THE FINALE THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING
by falmur
Summary: After we first met Clark, I knew he would mean troubles . This starts from his wife's death and It's a long journey . Trial, Zola, finally mc Baby
1. WE ARE MEANT FOREVER

Hi! Since I saw the last episode I started thinking how the season will go on. I've got some time... We have got some time... This is how I imagine what remains of the season, this is what I want, what I fear, what I'd like.

It's the first time I write a fic in English. Hope you'll enjoy and review.

See you soon

* * *

When Dr. Kepner arrived home it was 10 p.m. .

She was exhausted. She leant against the door she had just closed after her. She closed her eyes breathing heavily. It was an exhausting day. Since Derek Sheperd had hired her back her days were so hard. Working… But above all working for him, working with him. She knew she was special to him. He had hired her back, erasing the choice Dr. Webber had made. She closed her hands in fists going back to that day. Everybody had indicated her as a studip, her friends… What friends? The only person who had spent nice words to her had been Dr. Sheperd. She had overheard the conversation he had with Chief Webber after all doctors had gone. And he was so true: the chaos was Webber's fault, not hers.

She went in the kitchen and opened the water spraying cold drops on her face. She gritted her teeth.

She had never earned to be fired, in that way. It was not her fault that woman had died. People die every day. Sometimes doctors have just to fulfill their wishes and help them achieve their goal. Even Dr. Altman did that and nobody punished her for this. April did what she was asked for. Sometimes she did what patients were even afraid to ask. Just as today. She took another deep breath. She had to stay calm, no panic. Things were going to be okay. Her sacrifices were soon to be over: in a few days Derek would finally notice her, notice how good she was, how pretty she was.

She sat on the couch with a coke and remembered the first day they met: it was her first day at Seattle Grace, she was so nervous… The first case was with him and that slut of Grey, Lexie. She had tried to impress Dr. Sheperd with some stupid stuff about photographic memory. But then April had suggested a new way to treat the patient and that was it: the way he had smirked at her, looked at her had revealed her everything. He liked her. She could read it in his eyes, so blue, so warm to her, so deep.

It was a matter of time. Sure, Meredith Grey complicated everything. Their bound was heavy and difficult to cut. He felt guilty to her. April had to be patient and pretend she did not exist. She woke up and entered her bathroom. She started washing her teeth. On the mirror Sheperd's photo, a photo she had found on a newspaper. He was handsome. And hers.

* * *

A bright ray of light welcomes the new day. Derek is having breakfast in Meredith's kitchen. He is reading a newspaper. Alex enters the room.

Alex: morning

Derek: morning… (he looks up and sees Alex has dark circles around his eyes. Karev opens the fridge and take some milk. He never looks at him). You fine?

Alex: yep

Derek: your brother?

Alex: good

Derek: I did not know you had one

Alex: I did not know you had a wife either (Derek stops reading as he has been slapped. Alex realizes he has been really rude). Sorry…. (he stops drinking) I'm sorry. I said that without thinking.

Derek: never mind. I was just trying to make some kind of conversation, you know, the guy who steals your cereals thing but… (he goes back reading)

Alex: it's just.. First Izzie asks me the divorce

Derek: she did? (Alex nods). I'm sorry. I did not know it.

Alex: I thought Mer had told you.

Derek: no. It's the two of you who spent time chatting in the shower.

Alex: not in the shower

Derek: I hope for you not (he smiles at Alex). Anyway I'm happy the two of you are friends. She needs good friends. And you need it too. Anything I can do?

Alex: no. I just have to start my life new. I thought I could do it with Izzie but now she is gone and I can do anything about it. She has decided and I have to make a reason of it.

Derek: did you try to talk to her?

Alex: she never answers my phone calls. She left me with two hundred thousand bucks to pay for her treatments and nothing else.

Derek: I think maybe you should give her some space.

Alex: some space? She left me dude. It's been two months. How more space does she need?

Derek: you're right. But she nearly died. She went through a lot of surgeries, she lost her job and one of her best friends all in the same time. Maybe she just needs to take some time and let things settle down.

Alex: But I can't wait forever.

Derek: you can. If you want.

Alex: would you? (there is a sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Meredith enters the room and Derek smiles at her. She kisses him on the lips and takes the carton from Alex's hands. Derek is still smiling at her).

Derek: yes (Meredith looks at Derek, a frown on her face. Then at Alex)

Meredith: what?

Alex and Derek: nothing

Meredith: you're bad liars. What's up Alex?

Alex: why do you ask me? He is your hubby, not me!

Meredith: 'cause you are my friend and I told you secrets in the shower so you've got to tell me the truth (she smirks).

Alex: we were talking about my divorce.

Meredith: did you sign the papers?

Alex: not yet (he looks at the clock on the wall and stands up). I gotta go if I do not want to be late for rounds. You come?

Meredith: I've to be in in an hour.

Alex: chief's wife…

Meredith: take it back! (Alex is leaving the room, he takes his coat and opens the door. Meredith is still shouting after him). Take it back!

Derek: Mer… he is gone. Stop shouting.

Meredith: you like my shouting (Derek gets up and takes Meredith in his arms, he kisses the top of her head).

Derek: I so do (they are sharing a passionate kiss but they're interrupted by Lexie entering the kitchen).

Lexie: oh… sorry. I can come back later.

Meredith: it's ok Lexie. We are not going to have another sex marathon on the table (Derek is still kissing her neck and ears)

Derek: we are not? (Meredith pushes him away)

Meredith: No. I'm going upstairs. You stay here reading your chiefly paper (she gives him a pat on the ass and leaves. Derek sits on his chair and goes back reading. Lexie is waiting for her coffee and stares at him, unsure of what to do, if telling him about April or not. Derek feels her glare and looks up).

Derek: what? (Lexie is caught unprepared)

Lexie: nothing… I was…. Maybe I could tell you… but not! It's not important. It's just a thing, nothing important, a stupid thing. Never mind. It's not worth.

Derek: ok (his pager beeps. He looks at the screen). It's Doctor Kepner. Something is going on. I have to go (while Derek leaves the room Lexie looks up and takes a sip of her coffee).

Lexie: bitch

* * *

Mark enters the ER carrying Little Sloan in his arms. Teddy follows him.

Mark: I need a doctor here (Bailey is at the nurses station, her back to the entrance)

Bailey: feel like you're in the right place Sloan. What… (she turns on her heels to see Mark and his daughter).

Mark: I think she is in labour

Little Sloan: ahhhhhhh

Bailey: she is in labour. Take her in that visit room (she takes a look to the ER and notices April standing next the entrance) Dr. Kepner! (she does not answer). Dr Kepner?!

April: yes Doctor Bailey

Bailey: come here, I need help.

April: but I'm waiting for Chief Sheperd

Bailey: don't worry. The man can find the door without you. Move (April is not happy but she does what required. They enter the visit room together). Ok guys. Seems you're in labour. You need to stay calm, you need to take deep breaths (Sloan seems paler than her). You too Sloan. Sit down if you don't want to faint.

Mark: I think I should…

Little Sloan: get the hell out of here! You're not staying here while I… Oh God, it hurts!

Bailey: I know but I need you to stay calm and listen to me. If you want you can go, grandpa. I'll keep you posted. (April seems distracted. She keeps looking through the blinds to the entrance). Kepner will keep you posted. She seems she has nothing better to do than waiting for her Chief. Relax, he lived 35 years of his life without you breathing on his neck. Stop doing whatever you are doing and be a doctor here.

Little Sloan: can you send here someone? I do not know…. Your girlfriend or the lesbo…

Mark: Callie. Her name is Callie.

Little Sloan: whatever. Ahhh

Bailey: ok, Sloan get out. GYM is coming. You can wait outside (Mark leaves the room).

* * *

Owen is sitting in Dr. Wyatt's office. He is alone and he is reading a newspaper. The door opens and the psychologist enters. She notices Hunt and seems surprised to see him.

Wyatt: good morning

Owen: hi

Wyatt: it's a pleasure to have you here. Again. I thought you were fine (she sits behind her desk and puts her glasses on).

Owen: I thought I was but… I don't know. It's difficult and I don't know what to do. I have these memories and they seem to aggress me whenever they want. And then Teddy…

Wyatt: Teddy?

Owen: she is… she is a friend, sort of. She was with me in Iraq. We were always together.

Wyatt: what do you mean by together?

Owen: that we spent time together. I was in love with her but she never seemed to care. Then it comes up she has always been in love with me but … and now I'm with Cristina and it's…

Wyatt: complicated? (Owen shakes his head burying it in his hands). I think sentimental issues are the last of your problems. You should come up with war memories before going on (Hunt looks up but Dr. Wyatt stops him before he can talk). I know what you are going to say but do not do it. You are here. So you know there is something wrong with you. It's a good step, but it's the first one.

Owen: I know that

Wyatt: why are you here in the first place?

Owen: what? You've just said that…

Wyatt: I know what I've said. I meant… did something happen to take you here?

Owen: Cristina is scared of me and I can't stand it anymore. I want her to trust me, not to fear me.

Wyatt: is that all?

Owen: is it not enough?

Wyatt: I think you should come here for yourself, not other people. You hurt, it's clear. You should put pieces altogether before giving them away to someone else. Anyway… let's talk about this woman, Teddy.

(Owen nods).

* * *

Derek enters the ER and notices Mark sitting in the waiting area

Derek: hey, you ok?

Mark: Little Sloan is having her baby.

Derek: is she back?

Mark: she knocked yesterday evening while I was…

Derek: stop! I guess I don't want to know what you were doing (he takes a sit near Mark).

Mark: I'm serious this time. Teddy is good for me. And she is… passionate and clever. And in bed…

Derek: Mark, please. You are going to be a grandpa in less than an hour. Can you stop talking about sex?

Mark: I can try… Why are you here? I thought the Chief started working later than 8.30 …

Derek: I was paged. Kepner paged me.

Mark: she is in there with Bailey.

Derek: did she page me for Little Sloan?

Mark: you kidding! You are not going in there to look between my daughter's legs.

Derek: sure I am not. I must go to see what I was paged for (he pats Mark's shoulder and goes to the elevator. When the doors open he sees Richard inside). Hi

Richard: Derek.. You are early.

Derek: I was paged

Richard: since I see you… I saw Mr. Greene here this morning with a man who looks a lot like a lawyer.

Derek: another lwasuit? (he passes a hand on his eyes) Do you think it is for the DNR form or the surgery?

Richard: it is for anything Derek. That man is upset and he is coping with his loss in this way. Anyway… I brought Mrs. Greene's chart in your office as soon as I met him. If you need anything…

Derek: I will read it and then I'll call you (the doors open and Richard steps out). Richard?

Richard: yes?

Derek: is there something I need to know?

Richard: you'll find everything in there.

* * *

Alex is looking for Torres. Her scans are ready but he can't find her anywhere. He heard a noise coming from the OC Room and opens the door. Callie is lying on the bed, her head under the pillow, it looks like she is crying.

Alex: Dr. Torres?

Callie: yeah?

Alex: Nick's scan are ready.

Callie: and?

Alex: it looks like he has some broken bone.

Callie: what do you suggest?

Alex: surgery. And you should come out from there.

Callie: give me a minute (Alex is standing waiting for her). Alone (Karev closes the door leaving her alone. In the corridor she notices Arizona).

Alex: Dr. Robbins…

Arizona: Karev...

Alex: your girlfriend is in there and she does not stop crying. Maybe you should…

Arizona: go or I will be late in my OR. See you Karev.

* * *

Cristina has entered the cafeteria. She notices Meredith sitting in a corner alone, a cup of coffee on the table, a medical magazine open in front of her. Cristina sits on a free chair.

Cristina: hi

Meredith: ehi (she smiles brightly and Cristina stares at her carefully).

Cristina: what did you do to my friend?

Meredith: I'm sorry?

Cristina: what did you do to my dark and twisty friend? You look like a freak.

Meredith: I am a freak. A happy and smiling freak.

Cristina: did you and McDreamy start creating new little, chatty lives?

Meredith: we… practiced. All night. And you?

Cristina: I don't do kids. I did not practice. Owen…

Meredith: what? Did he have another outburst?

Cristina: yes… kind of. We were talking about kids and…

Meredith: were you?

Cristina: he was. But that's not the point. The point is that he hit me with a pan. Then he decided to go in analyses. Teddy was right… I can't understand him. I can't get what's going on in his head. Sometimes I trust him. Sometimes I think I don't know who he is. And he is talking about children…

Meredith: he loves you.

Cristina: are you going to give me the dovey dovey crap?

Meredith: Cristina… Why can you just not say "not at all" once in your life? You don't have to make kids tomorrow. But talk about them.

Cristina: I don't even know if I could still have them.

Meredith: does he know?

Cristina: what? That I aborted a child?

Meredith: you did not abort. You lost him.

Cristina: two days before going to abort. You were my person, don't you remember? (Meredith takes a cracker and starts chewing it). Oh god…

Meredith: what?

Cristina: you are serious

Meredith: about what?

Cristina: about the Mc Baby… You want it… You want a chatty, hair mussed, blue eyed toddler?

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: oh… don't tell me… You want a princess with dolls and spoiled by her daddy… This sucks Meredith.

Meredith: it does not. It's life. I am scared, but I also want this. I thought I would have been an awful wife. But it's not that bad. I'm not that bad. And Alex told me I would not be like my mother.

Cristina: did you tell Karev too? This really sucks…

* * *

Lexie is looking at Mark. She is 15 meters away, hidden by a curtain. She is suturing a patient. The girl seems to notice her mind is away. She is suturing her sleeve instead of her skin.

Girl: doctor Grey?

Lexie: yeah

Girl: could you… (Lexie looks down and notices her mistake)

Lexie: crap… I'm sorry

Girl: who's that? You know, the guy there.

Lexie: it's Dr. Sloan (the girl stares at her, not sure about the answer). It's my ex boyfriend. His daughter is having a baby.

Girl: you want to go to him? I can wait…

Lexie: no, I'm staying right here with you. We are almost done (The door of the visit room opens and April goes out. She looks disappointed and hurries upstairs).

Girl: you are lucky to work here. Doctors are really cute. Sexy I would say. Your Dr. Sloan, his friend…

Lexie: what friend?

Girl: dark hair, blue eyes, well dressed…

Lexie: that's Sheperd. It's our Chief. And my sister's husband.

Girl: is your sister the girl who just left that room?

Lexie: no, she is not. Why do you ask me?

Girl: nothing… I got the impression… you know what? I am just curious…

* * *

Derek is in his office, Mrs. Greene's chart open on the table. He wrote some notes and now he is looking out the window. The door opens without anyone knocked. April comes in.

April: Dr. Sheperd, good morning.

Derek: hi. Did you page me?

April: yes. Doctor Bailey told me too. I don't know why. I'm sorry I bothered you so early.

Derek: it's not your fault. You need anything?

April: no… I was told to come here, you wanted to see me.

Derek: yeah. I paged Doctor Webber and Grey too. It looks like we have another lawsuit coming. I wanted to ask you all something about the patient. Mrs. Greene.

April: the woman who had a stroke and signed the DNR?

Derek: yes… I think you are a bit early. The others will be here in half an hour. You can go and come back later.

April: I can wait if you want… Or do you want me to grab you a coffee or something to drink?

Derek: no thanks… I'm waiting for… (before he can finish the sentence Meredith runs in his office) here she is (he stands up and takes the lab coat off his shoulders. He leaves it on the chair. He takes Meredith's hands). See you later Doctor Kepner (April is frozen on the spot. Through the window she sees Meredith kissing Derek. She fights to control tears. She approaches the desk and put her hands on Sheperd's coat. She can feel his smell, his musky scent. She can not help taking it and leaving the room).


	2. LOVE ME, TRUST ME

Here we go with the second chapter.

I'm writing dialogues and scenes as they come to my mind.

I have a plot and I perfectly know where I want to go.

But sometimes I am going to lose myself...

Just follow me and review!

* * *

**Love me, trust me**

_How many times do we ask people to trust us along our life? Just every day._

_We need to feel the confidence, we need to feel the security._

_We ask patients to put their life in our hands, we ask our boss to believe in our capabilities._

_But above all, we ask our loved one to believe in our feelings. And return them on us._

_It is not easy… Because we have to earn everything. _

_And the most depressing thing is that it takes years to build this kind of feeling, it takes seconds to destroy it and lose it._

_Forever?_

* * *

It's late morning. Owen is sitting in the cafeteria, a sandwich on his plate. He is playing with a fork. Teddy notices him and walks to him with her tray.

Teddy: hey, can I?

Owen: sure (he gestures towards the chair). I heard the good news…

Teddy: what?

Owen: Sloan's daughter… she is back. Is the baby born?

Teddy: not yet, not ten minutes ago at least. He was so scared when she came yesterday night

Owen: were you together? (she looks up embarrassed and find him staring at her). Sorry it is not my business, I've no right to ask you how you spend your time.

Teddy: don't worry. You have. We are friends. We can talk to each other about our partners. Anyway I was with him (she smiles widely, a mischievous grin). We were eating strawberries and…

Owen: stop Teddy please. I am not ready to hear about this (he stands up abruptly). I just can't. Excuse me (he leaves)

Teddy: Owen… (he is leaving the cafeteria. Teddy sees Cristina following him and Mark looking at her too). Well done Teddy Bear…

* * *

Derek comes back to his office. He finds Richard, Lexie and April waiting for him.

Derek: morning

Richard: Derek

Lexie and April: Dr. Sheperd (he stops abruptly when he joins his chair. He turns around looking for something)

Derek: where…

Richard: some problem?

Derek: I swear I left my coat here when I left. Dr Kepner? (April is caught unprepared he is talking to her, her cheeks are pinker than usual)

April (God he knows I took it): yes sir?

Derek: did you see if someone of the staff came in here after I left?

April: no sir, but I left your office right after you. 're you sure you were not wearing it? Maybe you left it somewhere else. In an On Call room maybe? (both Webber and Derek look at her bewildered, Richard looks at her stunned)

Richard: Dr. Kepner… how do you dare…

Derek: it is fine Richard. Maybe I left it in the cafeteria. I will check on it later. Do not waste our time with this thing. Right now we have more important issues to discuss (he gestures to the three doctors to sit on the couch. Lexie is suspicious but April avoid her glare. Derek takes the chart of the patient and leans to the front of the desk).

Richard: did they report us?

Derek: not yet. But I think we are going there sooner or later. I need to know what happened after the surgery. Don't tell me what there is written here. I still know it. I need to know everything else.

Richard: after the surgery was done, and everything seemed perfectly ok, I sent Dr. Grey to the husband to inform him (Derek looks at Lexie and invites her to speak).

Lexie: I joined him in the waiting area and told him his wife was okay. I asked him if he wanted to see her but when we got to the room…

Richard: she had stroked out.

Derek: how did it happen?

Richard: I don't know. I left Dr. Kepner to check on her and push the morphine. Parameters were fine. Everything was quite. Dr. Kepner paged me back 'cause BPs were dropping and there was no more brain activity.

Derek: all of a sudden?

April: yeah… I pushed the morphine and she had the crises.

Richard: did you give her the dose written on there?

April: sure. What do you think? I am not an idiot. I know you think I am. I made a mistake once. I don't do them always. I did what you told me.

Derek: Dr. Kepner! Calm down. We are not accusing you of anything. I just want to make clear how things went. I am certain all of you did a good job. Now go. I'll give you news when I have and ask you more if I need other information (the three doctors stand up and make their way to the door). Richard…

Richard: yes?

Derek: can you stay some more? There is something else I would like to discuss with you (Richard nods and closes the door after the girls).

* * *

(Bailey comes out from the room Little Sloan is in. A wide smile on her face while she walks to Mark).

Bailey: man whore…

Mark: yes (he stands up immediately. He is sweated and Bailey notices he is really nervous).

Bailey: so you admit you are still a bad man…

Mark: come on Bailey. Don't play with my nerves. I'm a mess here. I she all right?

Bailey: yes. She is fine. And the baby too. A beautiful boy.

Mark: oh God (he let himself falling on the chair). I'm grandpa (he buries his face in the hands and it looks like he is sobbing)

Bailey: oh sweet God… You are really a mess… (she gestures towards Torres and Callie sits near Mark. Bailey leave them alone).

Callie: Mark…. (the man keeps sobbing). Come on she is fine, the baby is fine. You don't need to worry and cry anymore.

Mark: I am not crying for that.

Callie: what? And what for then?

Mark: I am old Torres. Not only I have a teenager daughter but now even a grandchild to take care of. What if I'm not good at it? What if women find this pathetic?

Callie: Mark stop! This is pathetic you know. I thought you were genuinely worried and now the only thing you are worried about is not being able to get laid anymore.

Mark: you would too if you had ever experienced what I did experience last night. Teddy is going to leave me.

Callie: come on, I am not buying this load of crap. She is not going anywhere.

Mark: she is. She was going to tell me last night right before Little Sloan knocked. For her it is just sex.

Callie: and for you?

Mark: I don't know…

Callie: you should talk to her.

Mark: you did to Robbins?

Callie: yeah

Mark: it didn't go that well. Did it?

Callie: I think she broke up with me (after a minute Arizona walks near them without giving them and her a word). Yeah… broken up.

* * *

Teddy is at the nurses station when Cristina joins her.

Teddy: Dr. Yang…

Cristina: Dr. Altman… can I talk to you… in private? (Teddy looks at her surprised and then she follows Cristina in a supply closet).

Teddy: what's up?

Cristina: what did you tell Owen?

Teddy: what do you mean?

Cristina: what I mean is that you were having breakfast together and suddenly he walks out of the cafeteria without noticing me and armours in an on call room. I've tried to talk to him but it seems like I am invisible. He was upset yesterday evening and he decided to go to Dr. Wyatt but as he talks to you…

Teddy: I told him nothing

Cristina: nothing? You were sitting with him talking about nothing? Seriously! Would you explain me how you talk about nothing 'cause I'm not sure I get it!

Teddy: Cristina…

Cristina: don't Cristina me! Listen… Don't be afraid of hurting me 'cause I'm strong enough to take it.

Teddy: fine. You wanted it… I told Owen I was spending the night with Mark when his daughter came.

Cristina: and?

Teddy: that's all. I think he is kind of…

Cristina: jealous?

Teddy: maybe. I don't know. Maybe he is just worried as Sloan is a well known bitch and he is afraid I'm too sensitive for dating him.

Cristina: you'll talk to him

Teddy: what?

Cristina: OC 4 (Cristina slams the door and leaves Teddy alone).

* * *

The guys are in the locker room. They're having lunch on the benches.

Meredith: how did the morning go?

Alex: perfect… First your knight in shining scrubs…

Meredith: whatever!

Alex: what?

Meredith: Derek is my knight in shining whatever. Not scrubs.

Alex: whatever… is fine for you. First he plays the friend to me, then I catch Torres crying like a baby on her gone girlfriend…

Meredith and Lexie: did they break up?

Alex: it looks like.

Lexie: they're gonna fix things. They are good together. You agree? (Meredith seems doubtful).

Meredith: I don't know… When Derek and I broke up we had a secret to pull things back together.

Lexie: can we know it? (Cristina enters the locker room and sits near Meredith).

Cristina: believe me… you don't want to know that

Meredith: make up sex (everybody stops eating). Do you think they…

Alex: come on Mer I'm trying to eat here (their faces are disgusted).

Meredith: I was just asking… I've never shared more than a kiss with a girl… (Lexie starts coughing) What?

Cristina: did you kiss a girl?

Meredith: when I was young, in high school. You haven't?

Cristina: do I look like the kissing girl type? And who was her? No… no… don't tell me! Sadie???

Meredith: we were just trying to make new experiences. We were young and stupid and drunken all the time.

Alex: does the knight know?

Meredith: I probably mentioned it… How did it go with Derek, Lexie?

Lexie: fine I think. We have not received the lawsuit yet. He just wanted to analyse things all together.

Alex: who was on the case?

Lexie: Webber, Kepner and me.

Alex: well… the drunken chief and the killer resident… Good company (Cristina laughs).

Meredith: that was mean Alex. Derek trusts the Chief.

Cristina: he trusted him so much he took his job.

Meredith: that was mean too! Webber is a good surgeon, he is our teacher and Derek's too. He had issues but he is going though them. And April? It was you Cristina who said everyone did mistakes that day. She paid for us all.

Lexie: I don't know (Meredith stares at her)… She is… weird. I don't understand her. She looks like she leaves in her own space.

Cristina: the Sheperd's minion space.

Meredith: I like her (Lexie breaths heavily and bites half of the sandwich she is holding)

* * *

Richard is sitting on his ex chair and Derek on the couch.

Derek: I don't know… I will hear what the lawyer has to say and then take a position. Jennings wants me to report tomorrow. They're afraid of another scandal…

Richard: such as the ex chief's drinking mode?

Derek: no… such as the actual chief's killing people mode.

Richard: come on Shep… Your mistake was an accident. It had never happened to you as you're the best (Derek looks at him, a frown on his face). You know you are. You were and you still are. What I did… to the hospital and myself… that was a scandal. Anyway… don't worry… You'll survive this…

Derek: I am not afraid for the job

Richard: not?

Derek: no, it's just… I have a feeling…. Before and even now. As something was lacking in the puzzle but I can't see it. I have this strong feeling something is not going as it should. People were starting to earn confidence and these problems…

Richard: are you talking about Dr. Kepner?

Derek: yeah… but not just her

Richard: she is weird. When she asked you if you had left your coat in an on call room (Derek burst out laughing)

Derek: yes… that was fun. Anyway you should now I don't use on call rooms anymore.

Richard: did you want to talk to me about this?

Derek: no… (he stands from the couch and looks for something on his desk. Richard is standing up) Stay. It's better that chair do not take the shape of my ass. Here it is (he takes a file and handles it to Webber. It is Izabel Stevens' file).

Richard: it's Stevens' bill (he looks again and again to the papers. He seems stunned like he did not remember that file).

Derek: I did not know there was one. Karev told me this morning.

Richard: was he cursing me?

Derek: not at all… We were talking… Just because you made some mistakes it does not mean people does not love and respect you anymore.

Richard: but this mistake was big… I pushed that girl away when she needed us more than ever.

Derek: do you think I can correct this thing? The economical problem at least?

Richard: are you doing it 'cause you think I did wrong or because Karev is your room mate?

Derek: what do you think? (Richard looks down thinking)

Richard: I think it is amazing how you can take your private life out of your job after all. I wish I could make it too (he stands up). I will write a note to the board saying I misread the papers. Being a staff member and being that I misread a lot of things recently, they will buy it.

Derek: thanks (Richard leaves the office. Derek sits back in his chair)

* * *

Callie enters the attending locker room and finds Arizona taking off her scrubs. She seems unsure of what to do, of how to behave. It's Arizona who makes the first step and kisses her on the cheek.

Arziona: hey (she notices the puzzled expression on Callie's face) what? Can't I kiss my girlfriend now?

Callie: am I still it? (Arizona laughs at her)

Arizona: sure… why? Did you break up with me? 'Cause I swear I did not realize it.

Callie: I thought it was you who broke up with me yesterday. After the kids thing.

Arizona: oh… I… Look… If you want kids now, well yes, we should break up as I'm not ready. But I get your reasons, I respect that. And if you will be patient, I will be ready someday. Maybe… I can, if you want.

Callie: really?

Arizona: I love you… You know it right? (Callie nods) That's all it takes to make agreements. I am not ready to live without you. You have to trust me about this thing. And wait. (Callie embraces her)

Callie: there is no problem in waiting. I do not want kids now. And above all, I do not want them without you.

Arizona: deal?

Callie: deal!

* * *

Teddy enters the OC4. Lights are off but she can see someone laying on the bed. She could recognize that silhouette everywhere.

Teddy: Owen… (he does not evens stir. Louder) Owen (nothing). Ok, you wanted this! (She turns all the lights on). I'm talking to you Major! The least you can do is looking me in the eye!

Owen: what do you want?

Teddy: I want you to look at me first of all (as he does not move an inch she takes his arm and pulls hard. Owen reacts to the unexpected touch and stands up violently). What the hell…

Owen: I'm asking you what the hell you want

Teddy: I just want to know what's going on with you 'cause, God knows, I don't know how to behave to you.

Owen: I don't know what you mean…

Teddy: oh you don't? Don't get me stupid! I tell you I love you and you avoid me. I tell you I want to be you friend and you keep avoiding me. Now I start dating someone else and we still can't communicate… You leave as if I did something wrong and close yourself in here when even your girlfriend can't join you. So… Who's got a problem? You or me?

Owen: I did not send Cristina away…

Teddy: You did! Otherwise she would have not come to me and sent me here. Do you know how humiliating it was to me telling her we were talking about Mark this morning?

Owen: wait… did you tell her I was jealous?

Teddy: you are not?

Owen: no!

Teddy: really? So you don't give a crap if yesterday night he has spreading cream on me and licking it away while we made love (Owen turns to look at her, a wild look in his eyes, he rises a hand and gets near Teddy)

Owen: don't… (he stops when he sees she has made a step back. He looks at his open hand). I… sorry

Teddy: you're saying too much often lately… You know what? I would grab my things and take the first flight if I thought I could help you. But it's not me the problem (Owen keeps going up and down the room). Why did you call me here if you can't even stand to look at me? (he looks at her but does not answer). Was this some kind of test? You wanted me here to see if you still proved something or did you want to torture me showing your new girlfriend? Come on Major I'm waiting here…

Owen: don't call me that! I… we were friends. I wanted you here and that was enough. I did not expect this to be so hard. I did not expect coming back to America being so difficult. I feel like I can't live here. This is not my home anymore.

Teddy: what are you talking about?

Owen: how can you do it? How can you forget what we saw in Iraq? How can you not see the faces of all the people who died in our arms? I can still feel the blood on my hands and I can do it anymore… When you asked me to help that woman die… it was not her I saw, it was him and I can't let him go. I can't let anyone go. At night I am afraid of sleeping. I have nightmares all nights and I wake up screaming and Cristina is afraid but I can't tell her why (he is talking rapidly and shaking violently) and I end up hurting everyone (Teddy hugs him and rubs his back, Owen has started crying)

Teddy: calm down… It's fine… Breath… It's okay (she lets go of him and takes his face in her hands. Tears are wetting his cheeks). You need help Owen. You need to let Cristina help you. You need to let me help you. We are going through this together. I love you. You know it. You have to trust me. I love you.

Hunt: me too.

* * *

_Forever is a long way to hold grudge._

_You can try, but finally you have to give up._

_Trust… is a state of mind._

_Just like love._

_You can do everything to built it and then destroy it._

_But it just turns back, like a boomerang._

* * *

Meredith, Cristina, Alex and Lexie leave the locker room ready to go home. They meet Callie and Arizona walking hand in hand.

Meredith: make up sex

Cristina: shut up! Get your ass out of there!

* * *

Meredith goes to Derek's office. He is there waiting for her. He turns off his office's lights but as they go out Meredith collides with April, already in her street clothes. April's bag falls down. Before she can react Meredith is helping her putting things inside. She stops abruptly when she notices Derek's coat in her bag. She pulls the item out. Derek is stunned as well and they both stare at April who seems frozen.

Meredith: what…. (she gets up taking the bag in her hands and holding the coat collar). What the hell are you doing with his coat in your bag? (April looks at her afraid). I'm talking to you! (her voice is very high now. People is staring)

Derek: Mer stop… We don't need a scene now. Give her the bag.

Meredith: but…

Derek: honey, please (he takes the bag out of her hand and gives it and its content to April). Let's go home. Please… (Meredith nods. She sends a contemptuous glare to April and goes away).

Derek: I wait you in my office tomorrow morning Dr. Kepner. 8.30 (April does not give any sign to have understood or heard. She stands frozen looking absent minded over Derek, who has already joined Meredith. Honey… he had called her honey… How could that be?

* * *

_Prepare yourself: keep your guard on._

_The more you trust people, the more they hurt you back._


	3. THINGS WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THIS WAY

**Things were not meant to go this way**

_

* * *

_

_In our life we make plans._

_We perfectly know how we would like things to go: our childhood, holidays, affairs …_

_We study every little detail: how to tell someone we are in love, how to propose._

_But there's one thing we can not foresee: other's feelings._

_We can love but we should accept we could not be loved back._

_And it hurts… so much…_

* * *

Derek is following Meredith into her house. She is mad, she walks fast through the door. She slams the door after her without waiting for Derek to enter it.

Derek: Meredith…

Meredith: what? (she throws her coat away and looks at him)

Derek: can we talk about this?

Meredith: talk about what? About the fact that your minion steals your things from your office? What will she do with it? Oh… I got it. Maybe she will use your lab coat as pyjamas keeping you close to her heart.

Derek: come on Mer. This is ridiculous. We don't even know what happened. Let me talk to her tomorrow. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding.

Meredith: sure (she enters the kitchen where Lexie is having dinner. She is embarrassed to have overheard the conversation) Ehi

Lexie: ehi. You ok?

Meredith: I am not. If I think that I was defending that bitch today I would … I would….

Derek: what? (Derek seems amused by Mer's jealousy)

Meredith: don't get me started on you! (Lexie looks Meredith and Derek trying to find out what's going on)

Derek: I found my coat.

Meredith: in April's bag (Lexie swallows a too big bite, she becomes red)

Derek: you ok?

Lexie: I…. just… ate too much and too fast….

Meredith: you knew it!

Lexie: sorry?

Meredith: don't play numb to me! You knew she had his coat!

Derek: Mer… you sound …

Meredith: ridiculous? You keep saying that! But she is my sister and I know her. She is eating like a pig, drinking coke like she never does and she won't look at me. She knows something. So?

Lexie: I knew she has a crush on him (she takes another exaggerate sip of coke)

Derek: she what? Girls… you are overthinking here

Meredith: it's you Mc Dreamy who do not see things! Go on!

Lexie: I realized a couple of days ago. She keeps looking at you with puppy eyes, even during surgeries. I faced her and she promised to pull herself together. But even today I noticed there was something going on. But I did not think she should have become a freaking fetishist.

Derek: anyway Mer… You can't be mad at me. Tomorrow I will talk to her. You have nothing to fear. Don't you trust me?

Meredith: that's not the point!

Derek: what is the point then?

Meredith: will I always have to live with tons of freaks throwing themselves on you?

Derek: I am afraid you will. I am Mc Dreamy after all…

Meredith: screw you… (she drinks directly from the bottle of tequila)

* * *

Teddy is sitting at Joe's bar. A beer standing in front of her. She is playing nervously with her glass. Mark enters the bar and takes the sit next to her.

Mark: hey

Teddy: hey… Your grandchild?

Mark: fine. He is a Sloan after all (Teddy smiles at him. But it's a sad smile). You can say it, you know. I'm old enough to hear it.

Teddy: hear what?

Mark: what I did not let you tell me last night. I knew you were going to…

Teddy: listen Mark… it's not you, really. You're amazing and I do not mean just… you know… for that. You are smart and nice and a good listener but… I… I don't know how to put it in words…

Mark: I'm not Hunt….

Teddy: no! That's not it!

Mark: yes, it is. Don't fool yourself. It's crystal clear. You like him and I think he likes you too. I thought he was gonna kick my ass when I asked you out in the first place.

Teddy: why do you say so?

Mark: he warned me. He told me you were not the kind of woman I usually date. He was afraid I was going to hurt you.

Teddy: but I did it.

Mark: not that much… I like you… But after all I'm a man whore and finally… maybe I should arrange my previous stories before starting new…

Teddy: are you still in love with Little Grey?

Mark: we can't turn love down whenever we want. I bet you know.

Teddy: yep… Let's have a drink…. To love

Mark: and happiness. Cheers! (Owen was entering the bar when he sees this scene. He leaves immediately).

* * *

Alex enters is room and drops his things to the ground. He sees an envelope on his bed. The letter head reports "Seattle Grace – Mercy West".

Alex: oh come on please… Other bills to pay… (he opens it frantically and scans the content, an amazed look on his face. He steps out in the corridor just in time to meet Derek and Meredith who are entering their bedroom). Dr Sheperd….

Derek: it's Derek here

Alex: I just found this and I…. I really don't know what to say…. Just thank you…

Derek: don't thank me. Say it to Webber. It was his work.

Alex: oh… Anyway thanks (he goes back to his room)

Meredith: what was that for?

Derek: you are not going to distract me… Baby making… (he lifts her towards their bed. Their laughter fill the air).

* * *

It's late night and Owen is resting in his bed with Cristina. He can't sleep and keeps watching the ceiling. He makes a move and Cristina stirs, she open her eyes to find him watching her.

Cristina: ehy… Is it morning already?

Owen: no… It's 3 a.m. Just sleep…

Cristina: and you? You are not sleeping?

Owen: I….

Cristina: can't? (Hunt nods) Do you want to talk about it?

Owen: I don't think I'm ready to do this yet

Cristina: ok… there's no rush…

Owen: I know you sent Teddy after me today

Cristina: I thought maybe you could talk to her if you wanted to ignore me

Owen: I was not ignoring you. I was just mad.

Cristina: at her 'cause she sleeps with Sloan?

Owen: no… yes… I don't know. This thing, the non sleep, is killing me. I wake up and I'm more exhausted than ever and I have to stay among people… I just can't do it sometimes and I end up barking against everyone. And Teddy is my friend and she is one target and the main is you and you don't know how guilty I feel to treat you like crap every time you try to help me. I am not sure you should keep staying with me.

Cristina: ehi, look at me! This is my choice to make. Not yours. Unless…

Owen: what?

Cristina: you want to dump me

Owen: how can you think this?

Cristina: you tell me… Are you jealous of her?

Owen: I am but not as you think. She is a friend. A close one. We spent so many years together and we got through so much. I just can't believe she ended up with someone like Sloan… He is not his kind of man…

Cristina: and you are?

Owen: that's not what I meant. She is fragile. She may look aggressive to you and self confident. I don't want people to take advantage of this.

Cristina: she is old enough to take care of herself. Don't get me wrong… I like her. She is fair and honest but if you keep going on this way you'll push her away.

Owen: are you a shrink now? (he smiles and she smiles back)

Cristina: no… that's why a prescribe you this treatment against sleeplessness.

Owen: what treat…? (he is cut off by Cristina kissing him passionately) Mmmm… Good way not to sleep…. (they roll on the sheets)

* * *

Alex exits the lift and notices Dr. Webber near the nurses station. Bailey is there too.

Alex: Dr. Webber…

Richard: Karev?

Alex: Dr. Sheperd told me about Izzie's bills and I wanted to thank you. It was really a burden to me and this means a lot. So…

Richard: ok… (Alex goes away and Bailey stars at Webber with wide eyes. He feels her glare). Miranda?

Bailey: can I ask you what was that for?

Richard: to make it short… I gave Karev Izzie's charges to pay some week ago. Now Sheperd has decided to have the hospital pay them. And he gave me the credit.

Bailey: How noble from him… So… are the two of you making up?

Richard: no (Miranda has a puzzled look)

Bailey: but you've just said that…

Richard: I'm making up with him. He still has. A long time ago. It was just difficult to accept.

Bailey: have you told him?

Richard: you're curious. You know that?

Bailey: I'm not. You are not my boss anymore. For the moment. I'm doing conversation here.

Richard: I won't tell him. Till I die. Or he dies… Can I ask you something, co worker?

Bailey: fire it

Richard: do you think he is good… as chief?

Bailey: you should tell me. It was your job for years. It will still be your job in a few weeks. You should know better than anyone else. But… since you ask me… He's not that bad. Nurses love him, patients love him. You know, all that hairs are good for something after all. I just think the way he took the job put him under a lot of stress. A lot of people see him as the usurper here. They just don't trust him.

Richard: that's another of my mistakes…

Bailey: maybe… or maybe not… But he's working hard to win their trust. And I think he's doing good for you too. It's good to have surgeries with you again.

Richard: yes

* * *

(someone knocks)

Derek: come in (April makes her way in the room)

April: Chief…

Derek: Dr. Kepner… Take a sit (she does what asked and does not take her eyes out of him. In the meantime, on the corridor, Meredith leans against the railing with Lexie and they observe Derek's office. Cristina stops by)

Cristina: hey… You stalking?

Meredith: no, I'm just checking on the traitorous bitch in there.

Cristina: wow… she really pissed you off… What did she do?

Lexie: just stolen Derek's coat

Meredith: and used it like her personal heater.

Cristina: another lame ass loser joined Mc Dreamy fan club?

Meredith: she is not a lame ass loser!

Lexie: oh… she is

Meredith: that's how you call me too?

Lexie: no! You are his wife

Cristina: post it wife… That makes you a lame ass loser as well

(Bailey arrives behind their back, her hands on the hips)

Bailey: have you nothing to do other than spying the Chief? (they turn around abruptly)

Meredith: we were not…

Cristina: yes we were…

Lexie: shut up!

Bailey: move… To the pit. Now!

Derek: so… can you explain me?

April: I found your coat in the cafeteria and I was taking it back to you.

Derek: look… I don't want to judge you and I find this thing quite stupid but don't take fun on me. I checked in the cafeteria myself and asked several staff members but no one saw it and no one remember to have found it. Not that I care about my coat but I had my keys in and I don't want to change all the locks. You were not going to give it back to me. The only question is: why? (April stands and turns on her heels without answering. She starts sobbing and sits on the couch).

April: I screwed everything… I screwed it again. You're gonna fire me. I'm gonna lose my job and … what will I do then? (Derek is affected to see her cry. He stands up and sits on the couch too. He starts to talk to April in a calm voice).

Derek: hey… Stop… This is not a process… I just want to know if there is something wrong… I am not going to fire you…

April: you not?

Derek: no, you're a good doctor. It's all I know for now and all I need to know

April: is that all? (before Derek answers his mobile rings. He gestures April to wait and he starts talking about some job stuff. All April can watch is his lips, his perfect hair, the way he smiles in the phone. She gets closer without Derek realizes it and as soon as he stops the conversation she jumps him. Derek is caught out of guard. Before he can avoid the contact, her lips meet his, he feels her tongue on his mouth. He pushes her away in a rough move. It has been a two seconds kiss but he feels ankward, dirty, disgusted to have felt another woman's lips on his. He stands up looking at April with an unreadable expression, hands on his hips: disappointment, frustration. Guiltiness. He shakes his head bewildered. April seems to get her courage back and makes a move to approach him again)

Derek: stay the hell away from me

April: honey… I…

Derek: honey? Are you out of your mind Dr. Kepner?

April: Dr. Kepner? Derek…

Derek: it's Chief Sheperd to you. You don't get to call me honey, you don't even get me to call me Derek. I don't know what the hell is your problem but stay away from me!

April: but I love you! I…

Derek: You are just a resident…

April: Dr. Grey is too…

Derek: Dr. Grey is my wife, the woman I love. Don't you ever forget! You are a worker, I have to work with you but, just to be clear, you are nothing else to me. I don't know where your idea come from but I don't even care. Don't you dare do it again! (April has started to cry again)

April: please…

Derek: it's all Dr. Kepner. I will charge someone else as my assistant. Dr. Bailey will assign you. I will call you if I need further information about Mrs. Greene case. Have a nice day (he goes back to his chair without looking at her)

April: Dr. Sheperd…

Derek: that's all (she nods stunned and makes her way out of the room. Derek closes his eyes leaning the head on the backrest).

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are doing charts at the nurses station in the pit. It's a really quiet day. Beds are empty.

Cristina: so… how's baby making going?

Meredith: good… It's exhausting, you know?

Cristina: yeh… you look stressed. And Derek is thinner too. Maybe he has not the personal to cheer and satisfy you.

Meredith: very funny… You underestimate Derek. Sex is never boring with him. He should give Owen some tip.

Cristina: that would be funny… (Meredith looks at Cristina and notices the mischievous look on her face)

Meredith: but… speaking of sex… there's someone else who is going at it (Cristina looks at her and Meredith speaks in a low, conspirator voice) Your smell: sex… (she pretends smelling her. Cristina does the same)

Cristina: that's not true!

Meredith: it is… But that's good! Are you ok now, with Owen?

Cristina: who knows… He is normal and after ten minutes he freaks out. He can't sleep and gets nervous. Sometimes I feel powerless.

Meredith: is he going to Dr. Wyatt?

Cristina: yes, he started yesterday. But you know… psyc is crap.

Meredith: ehi! That was my line… But now I'm here: whole and healed. And ready to be mum (Cristina stares at her unsure) Kind of… You'll see. Dr. Wyatt does magic (Meredith focuses on her chart again, Cristina is doing the same when she notices April entering toilette sobbing).

Cristina: she should go too (Meredith looks up just in time to see April disappearing in the toilet)

* * *

Lexie joins Little Sloan's room. The girl is holding the baby and she is alone. Lexie knocks at the open door.

Lexie: hey…

Little Sloan: hey

Lexie: can I come in?

Little Sloan: sure…

Lexie: so this is the heir… Very Little Sloan

Little Sloan: he is

Lexie: he is cute… Looks a lot like you.

Little Sloan: do you think so?

Lexie: yes… I'm kinda expert in similarities and he definitely looks like you.

Little Sloan: the main thing is that he won't look like my father…

Lexie: he is a good man… your father…. He is good man.

Little Sloan: you broke up

Lexie: yeh

Little Sloan: I said that 'cause I thought you were mad at him.

Lexie: I am a little bit… pretty much maybe but this does not mean he is not a good man.

Little Sloan: do you want to hold him?

Lexie: yeh… if you don't mind…

Little Sloan: you're kidding! My arms hurt…

Lexie: here you go… Hi cutie… This Is Auntie Lexie (Lexie holds the baby and cuddles him walking up and down the room)

Little Sloan: it was my fault, wasn't it? The two of you breaking up…

Lexie: no… It was just the starting point. There were other reasons I guess. Maybe I was more in love than him. It happens… sometimes (Mark was getting in his daughter's room. He sees Lexie through the window and stops. He can hear what the girls are saying).

Little Sloan: but I gave you a hard time when I arrived… I was always in the wrong place… and not very nice to you. I'm sorry.

Lexie: don't worry. You're a kid. We were the adults here. We had to manage the situation but, finally, we were not able to do it. The first trial we met… we dissolved. But you don't have to worry. Your Dad loves you. And I'm here too if you need support, chatting or whatever…

Mark: hi… (Lexie looks at him. She is still holding the baby)

Lexie: hi… I gotta go (she motions to the bed)

Mark: wait… give him to me (Lexie holds him the baby. Their eyes lock for a moment and then Lexie leave the room. Mark keeps staring at the door she has just disappeared in).

Little Sloan: dad… she is gone

Mark: sorry, I was thinking…

Little Sloan: that you are an idiot. With all due respect.

Mark: excuse me?

Little Sloan: it's crystal clear you still love her. Go and tell.

Mark: it's not so easy

Little Sloan: it is. Go and tell (Mark seems doubtful). Move! (Mark gives her the baby and goes after Lexie)

* * *

Owen's session with Dr. Wyatt is just over. He enters an OC room and lies heavily on the bed, hands covering his eyes. After some minutes, Teddy enters the same room.

Teddy: hi… I'm sorry. I did not know you were in here. I leave…

Owen: stay… don't go

Teddy: ok… (she sits on the opposite bed)

Owen: I've just talked to my shrink…

Teddy: you look pretty bad indeed…

Owen: thanks… We have planned a session with Cristina next week.

Teddy: that's good the two of you go together…

Owen: but she wants me to plan another one with you first.

Teddy: excuse me?

Owen: I told her it was a bad idea. I will report you are not available.

Teddy: I am available… that's not the point… I just don't see the reason of it…

Owen: I trust you… you know. You are my best friend. You were my best friend even when I was horrible to you. When I was down… We spent the worst period of our lives together…

Teddy: the worst? I'm hurting here…

Owen: not because we were together…

Teddy: Got you!

Owen: yeh… you always joke me around and I never notice it… Anyway… I get if you don't want to come. Mark would not be happy about it and…

Teddy: I'm done dating Mark… I told him yesterday evening. He was a good shoulder but I'm not in anymore.

Owen: I'm sorry…

Teddy: you're not…. But it's fine… I'm fine… So, therapy?

Owen: what do you say about tomorrow afternoon?

Teddy: it will cost you something

Owen: I can afford to buy dinner to a skinny woman.

Teddy: you'll regret this… See you tomorrow… (Teddy leaves Owen alone)

* * *

Derek is sitting behind his desk. He is signing official papers. The door is not closed and Bailey makes her way in.

Bailey: chief…

Derek: hi Bailey

Bailey: I wanted to tell you the wipple went fine.

Derek: good… You and Richard are a good team.

Bailey: he is doing good (she sits in front of him). But you know it… It's thanks to you.

Derek: me?

Bailey: you're supporting him completely, you never let him down, you never let him take a step back. And It must not be easy on you to be the new chief with Webber breathing behind your neck. He is… a changeling presence.

Derek: yep… but he makes us all better. He just has to regain self consciousness and takes his glory back.

Bailey: so that you can go back smelling Grey in the elevators?

Derek: maybe… (Derek looks outside the window. He seems sad).

Bailey: are you ok?

Derek: yes… I'm fine

Bailey: 'cause it looks like your cat just died…

Derek: it's just that… (he shakes his head. Bailey waits for his words) It's difficult to handle people. You give them trust and gets problems back.

Bailey: use your own words Derek

Derek: a resident kissed me today…

Bailey: so? You got married to the girl (when Derek does not answer and keeps looking down Miranda gets he is not talking about Meredith). Oh… not Grey

Derek: no

Bailey: did you fire the fool?

Derek: I did… in a certain way. She won't work with me anymore. It's up to you now.

Bailey: thank you. I really needed another girl pining for you in my team. Will you tell Meredith?

Derek: how can't I? We are making great steps. She is even considering to have kids someday. I don't want to fail her again. But…

Bailey: you are afraid she won't take it good.

Derek: you know her…

Bailey: yes… but I know you too. Don't worry. Not about her at least. When she knows, she will take the skin off Kepner's face.

Derek: how do you know?

Bailey: you are really stupid, you know?

Derek: you told me that already.

Bailey: but you are…. oblivious.

Derek: it's just that I don't see any other woman then Meredith.

Bailey: how cute… (she stands up and stops at the door). I'm on call tonight. Hope I won't find you bleeding outside my door.

Derek: I bet you'd love it

_The problem is that things never go like you had wished._

_You change your mind._

Meredith, Cristina, Alex and Lexie are in the locker room.

Cristina: so, Joe's?

Alex: I'm in

Lexie: me too

Meredith: I have to meet Derek

Cristina: and ask Kepner the authorization? Send him a message. He will join us when he is done.

Meredith: ok, you're right. (They exit the locker room. Lexie stops when she sees Mark is outside waiting for her)

_And sometimes you are not ready for others to change theirs._

Mark: hey… can we talk?

Cristina: no serious speeches tonight Sloan. We are going to Joe's to have fun. Come with us. We are going to get drunk

Meredith: and eat ton of peanuts

Lexie: you come?

Mark: sure… (they exit the hospital and go to Joe's)

Cristina: Mer?

Meredith: hu? (Meredith has the mouth full of peanuts and has a beer in front of her)

Cristina: you should not eat that crap if you want to do… the thing

Lexie: what thing?

Meredith: nothing (she ashes Cristina by her look)

Cristina: and you can not drink that! (she steals her beer)

Meredith: hey! That's mine!

Cristina: not anymore! But that's yours if you still want him (Meredith turns back and find Derek standing in front of their table. He looks hollow. She welcomes him with a kiss but he does not react in the usual way. The guys share worried looks).

Meredith: you ok?

Derek: yes… you?

Meredith: fine… and if Cristina was not hovering on me I'd be much better! Sit here…

Derek: no (she stops her). Can we go home? (Meredith looks at him. She sees something in his eyes she can not read)

Cristina: no serious speeches Sheperd tonight. We are celebrating!

Derek: Mer, please…

Meredith: ok (she takes her things) See you tomorrow guys. Keep an eye on her (she gestures Cristina)

Alex: Jeez… what a face

Lexie: do you think what I think?

Mark: he looks upset

Cristina: he's better not to screw up

Alex: maybe it's better we don't come home tonight.

Mark: not early at least.

_Like someone used to say: life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what is waiting for you._

Meredith and Derek are home. On the car he hasn't said a word. Meredith eyes him suspiciously but she is afraid to ask. She wants to give him space. Derek enters the living room. He sits on the couch and looks up to Meredith who is standing next the door. He swallows hard. Meredith comes to sit near him.

Meredith: hey… are you sure you're fine… You are scaring me.

Derek: I've got to tell you something

Meredith: ok… is it something bad?

Derek: yes… no… I don't know (Meredith takes his hands)

Meredith: are you sick?

Derek: what?! No… It's nothing like that.

Meredith: are you breaking up with me?

Derek: Mer, how can you believe I'd do that?

Meredith: 'cause you here and you are afraid to look and me and I don't have a clue. So just say it.

Derek: she kissed me (Meredith pulls her hands away)

Meredith: what? Who are you talking about?

Derek: April.. Kepner. She kissed me this morning in my office.

Meredith: how…

Derek: she was crying on my couch. I wanted to comfort her. I got a phone call and when I hang up she jumped me (Meredith is speechless). I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you since this morning 'cause I don't want this accident to ruin our plans. I wanted to be honest but it's hard to me as I know this will hurt you… It still is.

Meredith: how could it not be? (she stands up, her back to Derek)

Derek: Mer… please . It's not my fault. I could have never imagined she was so fallen for me. She is kinda obsessed. She kept saying meaningless things. I was afraid she could do something stupid but I would have never imagined she would have kissed me in my office.

Meredith: did anyone see you?

Derek: who can I know? This could be… Listen Mer… (he stands up and gets closer to Meredith, he puts his arms on hers. He could swear she is crying). I'm sorry. I… (she turns around and Derek is stunned seeing that she is laughing). What… Are you ok?

_It can surprise you for good._

Meredith: I am. I'm sorry but I can't stop… I thought you were going to tell me you wanted to break up. You look like your best friend died today. And then… April? Do you really think I would have dumped you for that slutty resident?

Derek: I… was afraid to tell you. You don't know how guilty I've been feeling the whole day. You don't care?

Meredith: no… I do. And she's better not to cross my way tomorrow 'cause I don't know what I'd do but you told me. And you said it is nothing. So we're ok. We are ok if you are.

Derek: I am (they both smile. Derek takes Meredith's face in his hands and kisses her deeply. She moans in his mouth)

Meredith: was that good?

Derek: perfect

Meredith: so the slutty intern wins on the slutty resident?

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: do you know what I miss about the breaking up?

Derek: no…

Meredith: make up sex

Derek: do you want sex?

Meredith: no… I want to make love to you (they kiss once more. Derek lifts her and climbs the stairs holding Meredith in his arms. He enters the door of their bedroom and kicks it closed. Keeping kissing her deeply, he pushes her against the window. She closes her legs around his hips and pulls him closer, her hands behind his neck).

_But it can leave you with the bitterest you've ever known._

From the road, April stares horror struck to the scene in front of her.

She keeps Derek's home keys in her hand.


	4. TRUTH WILL MAKE US FREE

Ok... I realized I was putting too personal stuff in the episodes and decides to bring some medicine back too.

I am not really good in hospital cases so I took inspiration from an old fic of mine (which none of you read being in Italian).

Hope you enjoy and review!

**

* * *

****Truth will make us free**

_When I was a kid my dad used to tell me the truth will always make us free…_

_That's where I started to think he was quite a fool… And, finally, after he left me for good, I knew he was._

_But not about truth…_

_I was the liar type all along my youth: but then I got the pretence can spoil your life, it can be a burden too heavy to carry, it can destroy your dreams._

_So I picked the "__rid the tooth, rid the pain" line._

_The problem is that it is not that easy to get rid of it sometimes…._

* * *

Lexie is having breakfast in the kitchen. She has not heard Meredith and Derek yet. Mark enters the room.

Mark: morning

Lexie: ehi…

Mark: news from the newly weds?

Lexie: no… I did not see them…. Do you think I should go checking on them?

Mark: that could be a really bad idea (they hear someone going down the stairs and Meredith enters the kitchen running. She is in her street clothes and look bright)

Meredith: hey!

Lexie: ehy… you ok?

Meredith: yeah, great!

Lexie: I was… we were kind of worried yesterday… Derek had a face….

Meredith: it was nothing. Just an hurdle on the way to our happily ever after. We jumped it together.

Mark: what are you? Kind of a poet?

Derek: no, she is my muse… (she hugs Meredith and kisses her on the cheek). Morning beautiful… You could have woken me up.

Meredith: you are so cute when you sleep…

Mark: so the two of you are fine?

Derek: sure

Mark: yes… 'cause you want me to buy that you were great at Joe's yesterday. You looked like someone kicked you balls.

Meredith: that is a good metaphor… You should be the poet.

Lexie: wait… Had it something to do with… You-Know-Who?

Mark and Derek: what?

Meredith: give up Lexie, they are too old to like Harry Potter… But it has. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stuck her tongue in his mouth. (Lexie opens her mouth bewildered)

Mark: that I understand… But who is she?

Derek: you'd like to know… Anyway I turned her down and she got it. I gotta go now.

Meredith: meeting the lawyer?

Derek: yep. Kiss me good luck (Meredith puts her hands behind his neck and kisses him deeply). Mmm. I can face everyone now. See you later (he takes his bag and leaves. Meredith drinks a sip of her coffee and then realizes that maybe Lexie and Mark were talking).

Meredith: I go too (she gets closer to Lexie). Tell me if I have to curse him with Avada Kevadra (Lexie laughs and Mark does too. Meredith leaves)

Lexie: Mark…

Mark: yes…

Lexie: I would not laugh if I were you. That meant she is going to kill you.

Mark: oh…

Cristina is on Teddy's service. She is looking for her and she finally finds her standing at the nurses station.

Cristina: Dr. Altman…

Teddy: Dr. Yang… Has Bailey already told you what we are dealing with today?

Cristina: no.

Teddy: A twenty two years old girl with heart deficiencies who the ER admitted yesterday. She had a transplant three months ago (they start walking towards the patient's room)

Crsitina: it's a little bit late for a rejection

Teddy: I agree. We get to know which is the problem. Here we are, Room 549 (they enter. The girl is really skinny, her mother is with her). Hi Ramona, I'm Dr. Altman and Dr. Yang is my assistant. How are you feeling?

Ramona: just tired. The engine seems not to work good…

Teddy: your temperature is still high. Any pain?

Ramona: nothing in particular

Teddy: can I? (she gestures towards Ramona to stand up from the backrest so that she can visit her) Breathe in… and out… Everything seems just fine. Dr. Yang will take you to run some test. See you later (she smiles at the two women and goes out). Have blood tests, urine, ECG, cardiogram and ultrasound. And see if you can find her previous chart. It should be here by now.

Cristina: is everything fine? I mean… you seemed annoyed while checking on her heartbeat…

Teddy: I have got a feeling… but that girl seems too thin to have just had a transplant

Cristina: I thought that too. Do you think she has other problems?

Teddy: it's early to say that. But it's important to check on her previous chart

Cristina: I'll see to collect all the information I can. I'll try to talk to her mother in private too.

Teddy: keep me posted. I have got to…

Cristina: go with Owen… I know. See you later.

* * *

Alex is in the ambulance bay. He is waiting for a patient. The doors open and the paramedic jumps down.

Paramedic: female, 25, seven months pregnant. She has sharp pains and nausea. The husband called us.

(Alex helps them to pull the gurney down)

Alex: what's your name?

Patient: I'm Sarah and he's Tom… What's wrong with me?

Alex: we'll see. Try to relax (they push the gurney in and enter a visit room. Alex calls a nurse) Page Dr. Bailey please! (Bailey arrives a minute later)

Bailey: what have we got? (she smiles at Sarah)

Alex: Sarah, 25, 30 weeks along. She has strong pains in the abdomen and nausea.

Sarah: is there something wrong with Steve?

Bailey: do you mean the baby? (Sarah nods) We'll take you downstairs to run a CT and see it soon. Let's go (Alex takes the gurney and pushes it away) You can wait there (the guy seems frightened and Bailey gets softer) We'll take care of them both

Tom: thanks (when he moves out from her space she notices both Meredith and April coming towards her from two opposite directions)

Bailey: that's going to be my day (the two doctors see one the other when they join doctor Bailey. Meredith does not take her eyes away from April, April stares at her shoes). Ok… Kepner to the Clinic (April looks up for the first time. She is going to open her mouth to talk)

April: I think…

Bailey: what?

Meredith: don't worry. Chief Sheperd does not need you today.

Bailey: Grey! I didn't say you could talk

Meredith: excuse me Doctor Bailey. I just wanted to tell Dr. Kepner I know

April: you…

Bailey: enough. You go where I told you to (April goes away disappointed). Are you proud of yourself?

Meredith: a little bit. I did not kill her. So I'm proud.

Bailey: you're right to be… You're on my service today.

Meredith: good

* * *

Derek is in a conference room. He is sitting with Jennings on one side of the table. On the opposite side Mr. Greene and his lawyer. The attorney is analyzing Mrs. Greene's chart.

Lawyer: can I have a copy of this?

Derek: there is a procedure to follow. But I see if I can have you get it faster.

Lawyer: thanks. Everything seems regular on here

Jennings: because it is.

Greene: you killed my wife! Is that regular to you? (Derek lets out a breath)

Derek: mister Greene…

Greene: don't you dare to talk to me.

Lawyer: Adam… sorry Dr. Sheperd. Please… go on.

Derek: I perfectly understand you are upset and broken but there is no way this thing is going to produce something good. We followed the procedure, we did all we had to do, Dr. Webber saw a chance to save her and he tried. But we are humans, not every chance we see turn out to be successful.

Greene: she would be still alive if it was not for you.

Derek: no, she would not. Your wife had a cancer who was eating her liver. She would have died in two weeks.

Lawyer: why to operate on her then?

Derek: 'cause the tumor was exposed when she came here. We saw a chance to be able to take it out. And we did. What we could not know is that a metastasis joined the brain and caused the rupture of a vessel.

Greene: so you taking her out of the ventilator was an act of mercy?

Derek: it was not. But it was her wish. And there was nothing we could do to avoid it. Another lawyer would have knocked to my door and blame me to have neglected her will.

Greene: she was my wife! If you were me what would you have done?

Derek: I would have fought like a dog to have her change her mind. But if she had not… I would have let her go.

Greene: you are not even married! How would you know? How would you know? You are just bastards playing God with other's skin! (Greene stands up and try to catch Derek's throat. Derek steps back and even the lawyer stands up to calm his client)

Lawyer: Adam! You need to calm down!

Greene: he just sits there taking fun of me!

Lawyer: he is not! And I promise that we'll go deep inside this story. Let me talk, ok? Wait me out (Greene goes out)

Jennings: are you fine Dr. Sheperd?

Derek: yes

Lawyer: I'm sorry. He is under a lot of stress. He is a nice man. I don't know what's got into him

Derek: it's ok. I got it, really. Do you still want to proceed with the autopsy?

Lawyer: by now, I think it is the only chance to put things clear. For you and for him.

Derek: fine then. But seeing what we are looking for, it is better Mr. Greene says goodbye to his wife first. After… it would not be a good … show.

Lawyer: thank you for warning us

Derek: I'll let you know when our scientist is available (they stand up and shake hands. Greene observes the scene with anger).

* * *

Owen and Teddy are in Wyatt's office. They are both sitting on the couch.

Wyatt: ok… let's get started… (Teddy smiles at her). Why did you decide to go to Iraq?

Teddy: oh… well… it was a natural choice. We… I had joined the army a year before and, when our platoon was alerted, I told I was in.

Wyatt: so it was not your free choice…

Teddy: yes, absolutely… We could have said no… but… we did not.

Wyatt: so two young and successful surgeons leave their careers to go in war? Excuse me but it's quite unreal to me.

Owen: yes… 'cause everybody is ready to jump at each other's throat down here.

Teddy: in the army… that's different

Wyatt: did you know each other?

Teddy: yes… we already did (they share an intense look. Dr. Wyatt does not miss it)

Wyatt: were you friends or…

Owen: friends

Teddy: just friends…

Wyatt: just?

Teddy: he was with Beth then and I…

Wyatt: did not like her?

Teddy: no, she was beautiful and smart.

Wyatt: but not the woman for him.

Teddy: it's not up to me to say that.

Owen: but you think it

Teddy: I'm sorry? What are we going to do in here?

Wyatt: I don't want to embarrass you but I think, to solve his problems, we need to clear this point.

Teddy: what? If I liked Beth or not?

Owen: I think she means us… our relationship.

* * *

(Cristina is sitting in a conference room, she is reading Ramona's chart and taking notes. Suddenly she stops, closes the file and looks at her clock)

Cristina: damn it… They'll still be in… (she finally decides to go in the girl's room. Ramona is alone) Hi, you ok?

Ramona: yes. A little bored

Cristina: your mum?

Ramona: she went to the cafeteria to eat something

Cristina: your blood tests revealed a high concentration of leucocytes. Adding the fever you could have an infection. I would like to check on your tonsils if you don't mind

Ramona: sure (she opens her mouth and Cristina looks in)

Cristina: everything seems good in here. I read your chart, you lost a lot of weight in the last months.

Ramona: after the surgery I was never ok. I have been suffering for many troubles

Cristina: but this is your first admission…

Ramona: yes. Everywhere I went doctors thought it was because of the transplant and they never ran exams on me. But I keep feeling bad and, finally, now you believe me.

Cristina: I think all doctors always believed you

Ramona: are you trying to tell me something?

Cristina: no… I just asked you some tip to complete your medical history. Later we'll have all results and we could be more accurate. See you later.

* * *

Lexie is eating a salad in the cafeteria with Alex. Mark stops standing in front of them.

Mark: can I sit here?

Lexie: sure (while Mark sits Alexs stands up)

Alex: it's better I go.

Mark: don't… (but Karev is already far). I think I scared him.

Lexie: a little bit maybe… So… I got the feeling you wanted to tell me something yesterday and this morning.

Mark: yes… I'm sorry (Lexie is surprised and does not speak). I'm sorry. I was not fair to you. We broke up, you slept with someone and I did it too. But some way I forgave myself but not you. That was not fair…

Lexie: no… but you did not just sleep with someone… You slept with your ex mistress, again. That's not just a fling. It's a kind of habit to you. And then… not satisfied, you started sleeping with Altman, just in front of my very eyes. Have you a little idea of how much that hurts?

Mark: I bet I don't… I'm sorry, really. And I get if you don't want to have anything else to do with me…

Lexie: why? Because you do? (Mark looks at her with puppy, guilty eyes) Oh my God! You want to ask me back together?

Mark: I am sorry. Now I know I don't have the right to do it. Just forget (he stands up but Lexie is faster and throws her arms around him)

Lexie: I say yes! I say yes! (Mark pushes her a little away just to look her in the eyes)

Mark: you do?

Lexie: yes (Mark kisses her)

* * *

April is in the Clinic. She is dealing with kids affected by louses. She is scanning a little boy's scalp. The children's teacher is besides her.

Teacher: I always tell parents not to bring their child to school when they have hangers but… I really don't know what they think sometimes… Do you think you can get rid of them?

April: I can try if you let me work (she is crossed and disappointed. The teacher seems offended by her mode and leave her alone). Whore…

Boy: I call her that too…

April: what? I was not talking about her…

Boy: not? Never mind. She deserves it as well. Who did piss you off like that?

April: a co worker.

Boy: did she steal your job?

April: much more. She looks like a hanger. Better, she is a hanger (she finds the louses and crushes it between her fingers till they are blood soiled) And that's how she will end too… You can go. All of you (she wears the gloves off and leave the clinic)

* * *

Bailey and Meredith are at the CT control room. They are waiting for Sarah's scan to appear.

Bailey: so Sheperd told you…

Meredith: you knew it?

Bailey: he was really worried and spit it out yesterday

Meredith: there was no reason to be. I just can't understand why people want to commit suicide in this way (the scans appear on the screen) What the hell is that?

Bailey: don't you know it?

Meredith: Mochsen cord… I thought it happened just in babies

Bailey: usually it does… They are unusual in adults. We have to take it out. Schedule the surgery and book the OR.

Meredith: yes sir.

* * *

Derek has come back to his office. He has just left a message in the lawyer's vocal mail and scheduled Mrs. Greene's autopsy. Richard stops by.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: Chief…

Richard: I should call you that…

Derek: it's the habit… Do you need anything?

Richard: no… I just wanted to know how it went… with Greene

Derek: I bet you still know it. There is no room for secrets in here.

Richard: true (he sits in front of Derek's desk). But I thought that maybe you wanted to talk about it.

Derek: they want the exam and we'll do it in a couple of days. I hope it will be over then.

Richard: he tried to punch you….

Derek: he was just… broken. I can't feel grudge to him. Just a lot of compassion.

Richard: but you should inform security in case he tries again.

Derek: I think he should stand in line for that… after you (Richard pager goes on) It's better you go (Richard stands up and joins the door. He stops and looks back at Derek. He seems really stressed and tired. He'd like to tell him something but pride stops him. They just share a look and then he goes away).

* * *

Teddy has left and Owen is alone with Wyatt.

Wyatt: did you already know all that?

Owen: more or less… She told me when she came.

Wyatt: why did you want her here?

Owen: the hospital was looking for a cardio surgeon and she was free…

Wyatt: Dr. Hunt…

Owen: you should tell me. You're the shrink here.

Wyatt: ok… since you ask… I think you've got what I call delayed rage.

Owen: excuse me?

Wyatt: you are good friends, you respect each other and all the crap you want (Owen is stunned). I think the truth is that you are mad at each other as, all along these years, you were not true. You have lived in a bullshit all your lives. You stayed with another girl, she dated another guy. But the attraction you prove… I could feel it even in here. You are meant to be together… You were at least. And you need it as you still feel the burden of taking her in Iraq with you. And have shown her hell. That's why you can't sleep at night. That's why you can let nightmares go. You feel guilty to her. You left together: she wanted to be with you but, once there, you were not able to.

Owen: I think you are out of line here… (he stands up)

Wyatt: I guess I'm not. Think about it (Owen leaves)

Cristina sees Teddy walking down the corridor. She runs after her.

Cristina: Dr. Altman!

Teddy: what?! (she turns around and answers Cristina in a really rude pitch. Cristina is taken unexpectedly) I'm sorry… I…. just tell me. News about the patient?

Cristina: maybe… I read her previous chart and it looks like she lost almost 22 pounds in the last three months. She was not a giant before the transplant but she has worsened rapidly recently. Blood tests show low degrees of red cells and iron, muscles are flaccid. I pretended to check on her tonsils and I have notices the teeth are wasted.

Teddy: do you think she is bulimic?

Cristina: I think so (Teddy takes the files and starts reading it)

Teddy: everything fits together but we forget that, was she bulimic, she would have never been introduced in the transplant list.

Cristina: maybe she started after it

Teddy: or maybe she hid it… or someone did it for her. I can't find the ultrasound result in here…

Cristina: they are not ready yet. It will take some hour.

Teddy: we'll have a clearer picture with them. Come and find me when you pick them up. Well done.

Cristina: thank you sir.

* * *

Bailey and Meredith are in surgery. Richard has joined them too. Sarah's on the operating table.

Bailey: here we go…

Meredith: my God… what a mess…

Richard: the umbilical cord has never been ejected and it has been growing for twenty years twisting everywhere. I have never seen one in a woman…

Bailey: okay… let's cut to free the intestine. I think we should take some away.

Richard: be careful to the placenta.

Bailey: Grey?

Meredith: thank you Dr. Bailey

Bailey: damn it… This stuff is too long.

Richard: do you want me to keep the clamp for you?

Bailey: that would be great….

Richard: have you seen Derek?

Meredith: not since this morning… Why do you ask me?

Richard: nothing… (Meredith and Bailey look at Webber) Have you heard about the meeting with the lawyer?

Meredith: did it go bad?

Richard: no… well… yes…. They want the autoptic exam but that's not the point. The point is that Mr. Greene tried to attack Derek…

Meredith: he what?!

Bailey: Grey! Keep your eyes on the baby!

Meredith: I'm sorry… Is he fine?

Richard: yes… sorry. I did not mean to worry you. He was just… a little upset.

Bailey: sure he has a lot on his plate in these days…. (she says these words looking directly at Richard). I guess he would appreciate some support.

* * *

After winning the last hints of fear and hesitation, April has finally put the keys in Meredith's house lock. She closes her eyes and turns it. The door opens and she enters. All the house is silent and deserted. She can smell the taste of coffee coming from the kitchen. She ignores it and goes ahead and finds Derek's den. She enters it and immediately perceive the same atmosphere of his hospital office. There are a lot of photos, of women very Derek-like and kids. Then April takes the frame on his desk: a cold chill runs through her spine. It's Derek and Meredith together. She puts it down so violently the glass breaks. She then goes upstairs and opens the doors on the corridors till she finds what she was looking for. His bedroom. She quickly recognizes his side of the bed. She lays on the sheets, putting her head where he usually lays his and inhales deeply, touching the shirt she knows he will dress that night too. She enjoys that moment but then realizes it's late noon and someone could come home. She gets up and makes her way to the exit when she notices the door opening to the bathroom. She decides to take a look in. In the shelf over the sink there are Derek's hair products, his after shave. April's attention is caught by a little box of pills: she takes and realizes they are birth control pills. When she opens the blister she sees with horror that the last 5 pills are still intact. She puts everything back and goes away.

* * *

Lexie and Mark walk hand in hand in Little Sloan's room. The girl is looking at her tv but switch it off when they come in.

Little Sloan: hey

Mark: hey… (he gets closer and kisses the top of her head) You ok?

Little Sloan: yes… just there is no tv on demand in here. It's quite depressing, you know…

Mark: no pain, no nausea… Anything?

Little Sloan: I'm fine dad, relax… (she notices Lexie is smiling) What are the two of you hiding from me?

Lexie: nothing…

Little Sloan: are you back together?

Mark: yes…

Little Sloan: give me five daddy… I knew you could do it (their hands collide and they all laugh together)

Mark: so… I was told you can go home tomorrow…

Little Sloan: no privacy for patients… I could make some money suiting you…

Lexie: no please… Derek can't take another one…

Little Sloan: who is that Derek?

Mark: my best friend. And the chief of surgery here… But seriously… where do you plan to go?

Little Sloan: I don't know… I haven't called mum yet… Not that she is going to run here anyway…

Mark: do you want to stay with us?

Little Sloan: I don't want to intrude again. I have already made a mess and I don't want to do it again.

Lexie: what intruder… You are family…

Little Sloan: seriously?

Mark: sure… And Very Little Sloan is going to cry the first nights. We can help you. I just have to pull the crib on again.

Little Sloan: thank you, both of you

Mark: you're kidding. I can't wait doing this

Lexie: even if it's going to be you versus two women?

Mark: I've got Very Little Sloan on my side…

* * *

Bailey is at the clinic. She was welcomed by the bad surprise of no doctor being managing the patients.

April comes in.

Bailey: can you tell me where the hell were you?

April: I was here…

Bailey: I paged you a thousand times but I never had an answer. So I wasted my time to come down here to check on you and I found the clinic unguarded and patients mad and tired. I'm asking this just another time: where the hell were you? (April pulls Bailey in a corner)

April: I'm sorry but… while treating louses on those kids I saw a bite on my hand and ran my own blood tests. I was picking them up when you paged me.

Bailey: are you going to die then?

April: no… it was nothing. I just have to take an anti biotic for some day…

Bailey: good. Open your ears here Kepner. Next time I assign you here and you leave this place…

April: it was an emergency… (Bailey talks louder than her and cut her off)

Bailey: without my permission, I wish you are dying as, were you not, I can swear you, I would have you regret it. Sheperd was to soft on you. But I'm not . It was unforgivable what you did in his office, you don't know what respect is. But I promise you this: watch out. I'll keep an eye on you.

* * *

Meredith is going to the locker room to change into her street clothes. She walks massaging her aching neck when she meets Cristina. She neither stops. They talk walking.

Meredith: are you not done yet?

Yang: no hope… I have to find Altman. See you at Joe's later?

Meredith: not tonight. We are going home.

Yang: see you tomorrow then. Don't waste Sheperd too much.

Meredith: haha… (Cristina turns the corner to find Teddy)

Cristina: Dr. Altman… I have Ramona's ultrasound.

Teddy: and…

Cristina: judge on your own (she handles her the scans)

Teddy: oh my God… This heart could fail even now…

Cristina: we have to write her on the transplant list again

Teddy: I don't know if we can. She is bulimic.

Cristina: are we even not going to talk to her?

Teddy: yes, we are. But even if she promises to change and accept the treatments, we'll be obliged to point out her problem in the file and she will never get another heart. She will die before having another transplant.

Cristina: so… what do we do?

Teddy: what I've just told you… Let's go (they enter Ramona's room together. She is with her mother) Good evening…

Mum: good evening… It took you a lot of time… (Teddy's look becomes colder at this comment)

Teddy: running medical tests always takes us time. But if you had told us the truth, we would have saved time and money.

Mum: what do you mean?

Teddy: you really don't get it? Just let me clear your head… On the chart, before the transplant, your weight was 140 pounds more or less. Now it's less than 110. Can you explain me why?

Ramona: I told you. I did not feel good in the last months. I lost weight.

Teddy: sure. And the glaze of your teeth? Maybe you lost it as you constantly throw up whatever you eat?

Mum: what the hell are you insinuating?

Teddy: stop taking fun of us, all of you! Listen madam, If you want to keep lying to protect your daughter, that's good to me. But I really hope that you intimately are aware of her problems. Blood tests reveal results completely out of normalcy, her kidneys are barely working and her heart is failing. She has been bulimic for years. I'm really surprised my colleagues did not realize it before.

Mum: why do you say this?

Teddy: 'cause had we known, your daughter would have never had another heart to waste (Ramona is sobbing, her mother stands up an takes her hands). And sure she won't have it another one now.

Mum: but you've just said hers is failing!

Teddy: I did. But no board will put her on the list for another transplant knowing her problems

Mum: do you really have to mention them?

Cristina: we are doctors madam…

Mum: that's why you know she does need a new heart

Ramona: stop it mum (she is still crying). They are right, I don't deserve another shot

Mum: honey…

Ramona: I've already lied four months ago. I thought I could be able to win the problem, but I did not make it. And now I did, it's too late. We both know that the truth would have come out sooner or later… It has now. We can not ask them to lie for us and set me before people who have bigger problems without looking for them (Teddy is impressed by her sincerity, she gets closer to the bed)

Teddy: I am not saying we will not ask a transplant for you, we'll do everything we can. But there is a board and conditions that can not be renounced.

Ramona: I got it, you don't have to explain anything.

Teddy: we'll let you know (they exit the room)

Cristina: are you fine?

Teddy: no, I'm not. My day has been awful and I just want to go home.

Cristina: oh…. Good night then

* * *

Cristina exits the locker room and finds Owen waiting for her. He puts his arm around her shoulder and they start walking together.

Cristina: hard day…

Owen: yep

Cristina: how did your session go? Teddy seemed quite upset…

Owen: just fine. No difficult topics

Cristina: you're lying…

Owen: I am not…

Cristina: you are… You'll tell me when you are ready (they reach the main hall and Cristina notices Teddy talking to Derek. Meredith has made some step away to let them room. She and Owen get closer)

Derek: I get your point . She is our patient and we have to give her the best possible care. But you also know that there are procedures to follow and requirements to fulfill.

Teddy: I know chief. I'm just asking you to let me know and summon me when her case will be discussed in front of the board. I am not going to hide her problems or lie. She was not ready three months ago. Now she is.

Derek: ethical decisions are not on us.

Teddy: I know, but to present cases and take them till the end is on us. And it's all that I ask to do.

Derek: I'll see what I can do (Derek walks to Meredith and they live the hospital together. Teddy is still there).

Teddy: I'm sure you will…

Cristina: maybe the board will listen to us

Teddy: I really don't think so. Sheperd is right. With the lacking of organs we suffer, to give two of them to the same person is a waste. And since she insists in having auto destructive attitudes, it is more than a waste to them.

Cristina: but we tried

Teddy: I won't sleep with this… Good night (she takes a glance to Owen too and leaves)

* * *

Meredith and Derek are finally home. They are in their bedroom already. Derek takes his shoes off and starts to unbutton his shirt. Meredith notices the dark circles around his eyes and decides to talk.

Meredith: ehi (she gets closer and pulls his tie off. She takes his hands and bring them to the collar of his shirt) Let me help you with this.

Derek: I don't need…

Meredith: ah…. Let me take care of you… (she unbuttons his shirt and takes it off. She pushes him sitting on the bed and has him roll on his stomach. He lays his face on the pillow and crosses his hands under it. She kneels on his ass and starts massaging his aching back) So… you are not going to tell me anything about the meeting…

Derek: there's nothing worth to be said

Meredith: yeh? 'cause some bird told me Mr. Greene tried to hit you

Derek: he did not… He had just an outburst…

Meredith: it looks like you don't blame him…

Derek: I don't in fact. I do not think he wanted to hit me for good. He was just upset. And… (he stops talking and breaths out heavily)

Meredith: and…. (Derek is not answering) come on Derek… say it

Derek: is he wrong after all? I mean… I was the man who gave the order to take her wife off the ventilator. I killed her.

Meredith: the tumor did.

Derek: yes. But try to be in his shoes Mer… He is not a doctor. He does not know how these things work. He is suffering and if hating me makes him feel better, I can live with that.

Meredith: ok… but this does not make good he tried to attack you.

Derek: of course not… (he hides his face under the pillow) Enough for today (he inhales and takes his head out). Did you change the washing powder?

Meredith: maybe… To tell the truth I do not even remember the one I use. Why?

Derek: my pillow smells different… (he keeps smelling it)

Meredith: let me check (Meredith lays on Derek, her breasts on his back, her arms take his wrists. Her hair brushes his nose)

Derek: that's the smell you'll never have to change…

Meredith: what?

Derek: lavender… I love it.

Meredith: that's all you love about me? (she kisses his right ear)

Derek: definitely not.

* * *

_Truth sets us free… when it does not make us ridiculous._

(April notices Bailey is staring at her and changes her way to the elevator)

_You can play the hero and hide things but, finally, they'll always reach the surface and drag you down._

(it's late night and Owen is awake. Cristina opens her eyes)

Cristina: ehi…

Owen: Dr. Wyatt thinks I'm in love with Teddy and the reason why I can't sleep at night is that I feel guilty to her.

_It drugs us down. And with us, the people we love._

_Dad… you were such a fool_


	5. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

We are getting near the heart of my story.

Hope you keep reviewing.

And enjoying !

* * *

**The calm before the storm**

_Seattle is a sea land… _

_Since I was a kid a spent hours looking at fishers, seagulls… you know the stuff of sea._

_I loved legends of sirens and tritons and monsters coming to the surface to eat whole ships._

_But there was something who really fascinated me: how the water always looked calm before a storm was going to come._

_Everything stopped: the waves, even the birds singing…_

_And you knew… you had to find a repair_

* * *

Derek rushes into the ER, his pager is still beeping.

Derek: who paged me?

Nurse Debbie: doctor Bailey, Chief. She is in there (Derek enters the visit room and finds Bailey visiting a boy. He is awake but has something sticking out from his forehead. Doctors has immobilized his head with a collar)

Bailey: Chief… This is Daniel… He was skateboarding and landed on a car. A piece of the windscreen wiper thrust in his forehead (Derek has put gloves on his hands and gets closer to the boy with his penlight)

Derek: Daniel?

Daniel: yes sir?

Derek: you can talk to me… That's good. Can you keep in mind three words if I tell you?

Daniel: I can try…

Derek: so… wife, dog, sea.

Daniel: wife, dog, sea.

Derek: that's it. I will ask you later about them.

Daniel: doctor… I'm scared…

Derek: I know… I know. But you have to try to keep calm. We'll take care of you. Have you already called his parents?

Bailey: they are on the way…

Derek: how many morphine did you push in?

Bailey: 5 cc. I Can give more if you…

Derek: no… we have to make an MRI first. If he starts seizing with that thing in his head…

Bailey: we are going to have troubles…

Derek: who is on the case with you? (Bailey hesitates a moment to answer, Derek perceives tenderness and guiltiness at the same time in her look)

Bailey: Kepner… but I can divert her on something else if you want… I did not expect to work with you… but when Shadow Sheperd turned the case off…

Derek: what?

Bailey: he said it was too much for him (April enters the visit room carrying some supplies and stops on her tracks when she sees Derek)

April: Chief… (she keeps looking at him with lost eyes)

Derek: Dr. Kepner… see you in the MRI in five minutes Miranda (he exits the room and April keeps staring at him till Bailey coughs and gets her attention back).

* * *

Cristina and Meredith are walking together in the corridors. Cristina is stretching her arms.

Meredith: athletic sex tonight?

Cristina: no, I slept on the couch from 3 am on…

Meredith: why?

Cristina: 'cause Owen spoke and I did not like what he said that much…

Meredith: will you tell me?

Cristina: he says he does not sleep because of Teddy… He feels guilty to her and crap like that. I knew the shrink was a bad idea. That woman has already made pulp of your brain and now she is doing the same with Owen…

Meredith: she did not…. (Cristina turns to look at her) Fine, let's not talk about me. Are you mad at him? 'cause it look more like you are …

Cristina: puzzled. I don't know what to do. Normally I'd have punched him. I mean, my man tells me he does not know if he loves another woman and I'm not mad at him. I feel like I'm going crazy here. And I'm not mad at her either.

Meredith: Cristina… you're rambling

Cristina: this must be a freak show…

Meredith: will you go to Dr. Wyatt too?

Cristina: next week. If we are still together…

* * *

Lexie is yawning, she sits in the cafeteria waiting for Mark to bring her coffee. Finally he comes and puts a paper glass in front of her.

Mark: here we go.

Lexie: God… I needed this (she attacks the coffee and in three sips drinks all the content)

Mark: ehi… Don't you tell me you want another one… I queued ten minutes for that

Lexie: I'm good… I needed coffee to run though my veins. You kept me up all night

Mark: you did not seem minding it (a mischievous grin curls on his lips)

Lexie: it did not. But I'm at work now. I have to be on top of my game.

Mark: you're good… Do you want on my case?

Lexie: you should tell Alex, I think

Mark: Karev?

Lexie: come on Mark. It's not his fault. You can't stop teaching him 'cause… you know

Mark: first, I do not teach anyone. Second: Karev? It may not be his fault but I'd punch him when we meet.

Lexie: it's not mature, you know that.

Mark: I know. But I need some more time. So?

Lexie: what?

Mark: are you in?

* * *

Teddy is riding the elevator upstairs. The lift stops midway, doors open and Callie and Arizona come in.

Arizona: hi!

Teddy: ehi…

Arizona: what a face… What did Sloan do this time?

Teddy: I'm sorry?

Callie: Arizona…

Arizona: what? We're friends! I'm just asking. So, Sloan?

Teddy: we are not dating anymore…

Callie: excuse me?

Teddy: I was not involved. So I broke up.

Arizona: because of Owen… (Callie's eyes widen) She's got a thing for him…

Teddy: I don't… whatever (doors open and Teddy leaves without saying goodbye)

Arizona: bye…

Callie: oh God… Mark will be destroyed. He really liked her (they get to the surgery floor and exit the elevator. Their attention is caught by the sound of a loud laugh. They look in that direction and see Mark with a nurse)

Arizona: yeah… irreparably broken

* * *

Alex and Avery are working together in the pit. They are taking care of a group of students involved in a car crush during their school trip. They are both stitching up, Alex a girl, Avery a boy.

Alex: so where are you from?

Girl: Denver, Colorado.

Alex: what are you doing here in Seattle?

Girl: I told you, school trip.

Alex: I got that. I just don't understand what you came here for.

Boy: the science museum. It's one of the most important in the USA.

Alex: really? I've never known there was one.

Avery: me either.

Girl: are you from here?

Alex: I'm…

Girl: I didn't ask you. I wanted to know about him.

Alex: excuse me, madam… (Avery laughs).

Avery: I'm from Boston. And I came here to do my internship.

Girl: and how is it? The internship, I mean… You know, we should decide what to do after the college and I would appreciate some tip.

Alex: I know what you'd appreciate…(the girl turns around and looks at him with anger). You can't decide to become a doctor just because you see a good looking doctor.

Girl: how do you know I've never had interests in medicine?

Avery: It's hard, you know. Our shifts can last even 36 hours. We don't have time for friends, for hobbies, there is no holiday.

Boy: a crappy life…

Avery: not if you like it.

Girl: what about love?

Avery: we barely have time for ourselves… It's difficult to find space for another person.

* * *

Derek and Bailey are in the MRI control room. They are staring at the images of Daniel's brain. April is in the other room with the patient.

Bailey: holy God…

Derek: the wiper has entered the brain.

Bailey: and he is still talking…

Derek: probably it has not touched nerves yet. That's why he still has his functions.

Bailey: what if it moves?

Derek: he would be brain dead in a matter of seconds… We have to take him straight to the OR.

Bailey: can you take it out without making damages?

Derek: that I don't know… This part of the brain is a mass of nerves and vessels. You touch one and everything blows up. Are his parents here?

Bailey: I think so

Derek: we need their authorization (April comes in the room. She comes close the screen and lean ahead to see better. Her hair is a few inches from Derek's nose and he can't help to smell her scent. He stops talking and turns to look at her. He does not speak, he just stares and his brain starts to process things. April looks at him for a moment, their eyes lock and then she leaves the room. Bailey looks at Derek doubtfully) What the hell… (he stands up and starts following April in the corridor)

Bailey: what… Sheperd… Where are you going? (she follows him too)

Derek: Dr. Kepner! Dr. Kepner!

April: yes, chief? (her lips are lightly made up and she looks at Derek with an angelic expression)

Derek: follow me in the office. Now (he walks quickly to his office without looking back. April is following him but Bailey is too. He goes behind his desk and puts his hands on it, looking down. The two women are there. Bailey has stopped behind, near the door). Did you go to our place?

April: excuse me?

Derek: save me the fake surprise and outrage. I repeat… did you go to our place?

Bailey: Derek…

April: I don't know what you are talking about, chief.

Derek: you had my keys and your scent is all over my bedroom.

April: I gave you your keys back yesterday and my scent… maybe your girlfriend uses it too

Derek: my wife does not use it and you never gave me anything back. Neither my coat nor my keys (he slams his hand on the desk, a file shifts slightly to reveal Derek's keys. He looks up incredulous. April has a smugly expression)

April: can I go now?

Derek: no… I f you dare to come close to my house or my wife again…

April: are you threatening me, chief? Because you have no evidence of what you are saying. I know you are stressed but that does not give you the right to harass me like that. I go back to Daniel (she turns on her heels and goes away. Derek punches a plastic bottle of water standing on his table and rakes a hand through his hair in frustration. Bailey is still there)

Bailey: Sheperd…

Derek: Leave me alone

Bailey: I am not. You are playing her game.

DereK: her game? Which are the rules 'cause I don't get them! She's everywhere. She is stalking me. Every time I look up I see her staring, I can feel her breath on my neck when we are in the same room, she steals my belongings… What I'm supposed to do? I know she went there Bailey, I know. And I'm afraid now. She is out of control. The only way I can keep an eye on her is having her work here. But she's driving me crazy.

Bailey: yes… but till you can't show this, you have to think straight. You are smarter than her. Keep that in mind. Let's go to Daniel now. (she moves towards the door, Derek calls her back)

Derek: don't tell anything to Meredith, please… (Bailey nods and leaves).

* * *

Meredith is sitting behind a desk in a little office. She is reading a medical book. Owen makes his way in the room and leans to the wall without saying anything. Meredith looks up and goes back to her reading. She waits for Hunt to speak.

Owen: how is she doing?

Meredith: messed up… but still holding on. Which are your plans?

Owen: do you think I've plans here? I don't know where my life is going. Every day is worse and I keep hurting her.

Meredith: so… which are your plans? Do you think to react or wait to see where the tide will bring you? If you don't get it, I tell you. You have the control of this situation. Not Cristina, nor Teddy. So, if I were you, I would stop crying on my ass and find a way to understand what the hell you want. You keep crying like a girl but this won't fix anything. Cristina is the weak here, not you.

You choke her and she takes it, you slam her to the wall and she takes it. You start saying that maybe you're in love with someone else and she keeps taking it. Wake up 'cause I won't take everything. This is the last warn I give you… (she closes her book and leaves Owen to weight up her words).

* * *

Teddy knocks at Dr. Wyatt's door.

Wyatt: come in… Dr. Altman… I was not expecting you….

Teddy: I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I left without saying goodbye and I was really rude all over the session… I'm sorry as it's not my attitude to be this way. My mum raised me polite and kind.

Wyatt: don't worry about this. I put you under a lot of stress…

Teddy: was it worth it? For Owen, I mean. Was it useful at least?

Wyatt: I guess we'll see that in a few days (Teddy makes a step to the door) You know I'm happy you came here as I wanted to point something out too.

Teddy: oh… do it

Wyatt: I don't want to give you the impression I'm trying to push Owen to make a decision about his personal life. 'Cause I really do not care about it.

Teddy: what's your purpose then?

Wyatt: to let him know he needs help. A help I can not give him. And you can't do it either.

Teddy: do you think Cristina…

Wyatt: no

Teddy: so… I don't see the point.

Wyatt: my point is that, no offense, Hunt should take a break from everything. Including the two of you. He should focus on himself and heal. Then he'll make his choice. Now… he is just a flag in the storm.

Teddy: whatever to make him feel better is fine for me.

Wyatt: good to know.

Teddy: but it will not be easy to convince him. He is stubborn

Wyatt: and idealist. It will take time but, you can believe it or not, I bent tougher nuts.

Teddy: good luck

* * *

Mark is scrubbing in. Callie enters the scrub room.

Callie: ehi

Mark: Torres… you fine?

Callie: good… listen I know you don't like talking about your problems but I heard about you and Teddy and I want to tell you that I'm really sorry.

Mark: for what?

Callie: for her dumping you?

Mark: I will survive…

Callie: are you sure? You seemed to like her a lot.

Mark. I did… do. But…

Callie: but?

Mark: after all I did not like her as much as I'm in love with Lexie.

Callie: excuse me?

Mark: you're not a good gossip girl, Torres. You were, you should have heard something else too… (before Callie can answer, Lexie comes in and kisses Mark on the lips. Then she starts to scrub in too) See? I've never been so better than now… Plus, I'm going to create a breast … This day is just perfect on me. And… I forgot…. Very Little Sloan and Little Sloan went home yesterday. Lexie and I have arranged a little party. Are you and Robbins in?

Callie: sure

Mark: see you at 9 then…

* * *

Alex and Avery meet in the laboratory. They are both waiting for their patients' exams.

Alex: your cheer leader is still upstairs asking of you…

Avery: how lucky, huw?

Alex: yep

Avery: I think my boy is in love with her.

Alex: she'd eat him for dinner.

Avery: she is shameless. Were you embarrassed?

Alex: of course not… It's just that my step sister is 19 too. It's a long time I don't see her. I wonder if she is as shameless too…

Avery: she certainly will be. They can play angels when they're home. But outside… they are bold. Much more than I was. Take my brother…

Alex: do you have one too?

Avery: 16… His teacher caught him and his girlfriend in the bathroom doing… you know. My mum nearly had a stroke when she was called by the school.

Alex: they're just kids.

Avery: to us. But in the real world, they have grown up.

Alex: it's just so bad…

* * *

Derek, Bailey and Kepner are in the OR. The clock shows 4 hours have already passed since the surgery started.

Derek: ok… that was the last one…

Bailey: are all the fragments out?

Derek: yes… I can't see any left. I just have to pull the wiper out now

Bailey: and then?

Derek: check on nerves and vessels

April: how much will this take?

Derek: two or three hours at least.

Bailey: have you something more important to do?

April: no…. I just wanted to know. .. Dr. Sheperd?

Derek: yes?

April: I think you have something on your left cheek…

Bailey: I can't see anything.

April: it's there… let me take it away…

Derek: don't move… I have my hands in this guy's brain. Keep your eyes on the table.. Here we go… (he takes the item and starts to pull it out. The boy's vitals seem stable).

Bailey: oh God….

Derek: he is lucky he did not die all at once. An inch more, he would be dead (Monitors start beeping)

Bailey: what's wrong?

Derek: crap…. There is one fragment in the temporal lobe…

Bailey: can you join it?

Derek: I have… but It's surrounded by a lot of nerves. Surgery is going to last more than expected. I'm sorry to ruin your plans Kepner.

April: I am happy to be here, sir.

Derek: sure… But now you have to do more than being happy. Hold this clamp and hold it tight. One move and you kill him.

April: I'm not sure I can do this

Derek: do you want to be a surgeon or not?

April: yes but…

Derek: hold the clamp then…

April: look… if you are still mad on me for before I…

Bailey: Kepner… do you think he would risk the patient's life to set a difficulty in front of your nose?

April: no but…

Bailey: just do it then or leave the damn OR. We need hands to trust in here, not sculptures. So? (April nods and takes the clamp from Derek's fingers. She hesitates more than necessary on the contact).

* * *

Cristina is doing charts In the pit. Owen joins her with a cup of coffee and puts it in front of her (Cristina looks up and find him smirking at her. She lowers her look on the chart again).

Cristina: what's that for?

Owen: what? Can't I bring my girlfriend I coffee now?

Cristina: you could… if I were.

Owen: you are… I….

Cristina: look, we don't need to do this right now. Take your time but do not torture me anymore.

Owen: Cristina… you (he stops when he notices Teddy getting closer. He stops talking and rakes a hand through his hair. Cristina looks up and finds Teddy in front of her)

Teddy: sorry… I did not want to interrupt you

Cristina: you are not.

Teddy: I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to discuss Ramona's case to the board.

Cristina: now?

Teddy: yes, Sheperd arranged me a meeting. Do you want to come?

Cristina: sure, it'd be an honor to me. Give me five minutes, I go change (she closes the chart she was doing and leaves)

Owen: was this necessary?

Teddy: sorry?

Owen: never mind… (he leaves too)

* * *

Meredith joins Avery and Alex in the pit.

Meredith: hei… are they all fine?

Alex: yes… just some scratches. And heart wound (Meredith looks up puzzled. Avery has stopped writing and looks at Alex amused). The blondie over there fell for him.

Meredith: she is cute…

Avery: like a pain in the butt

Alex: worse than that… (the two guys laugh. Meredith folds her arms on her chest and look bad at them)

Meredith: do you think you're less pain than her? You arrogant asses. You are always complaining on everything, sloppy and lazy. You would not try anything with a girl unless it's her who throws herself on you. But when she does… you call her bitch.

Alex: we did not..

Meredith: shut up! Do you know why sisters never go to their brothers to confide? 'cause they are just like you! She is a harmless teenager in a stranger city, she is probably scared and in a place she does not know. Maybe she just wanted to make a civil conversation and not jump you. You're sexist! (she sends another angry glare at them and leaves).

Alex: she had it in for you, dude (Avery is about to answer back when the girl stops in front of them)

Girl: we are ready to go.

Avery: fine… good luck then (she handles him a post it)

Girl: I'm in town for two days. If you want we could catch up for a drink or… you know (she eyes him naughtily and goes away).

Alex: don't flight high… She is harmless, she surely wants to talk about internship (they burst out laughing together). But, watch out, Sheperd ended stitched up by a post it… (he gives a pat on the shoulder and leaves. Avery throws the paper in the bin)

* * *

(Derek and Miranda are still in the OR)

Bailey: you did it…

Derek: it looks like… You're not very confident, did you?

Bailey: it's just that sometimes…

Derek: injuries look too difficult to repair?

Bailey: yes… But I should know Mighty Sheperd can do anything with a scalpel.

Derek: only if I have my muse inspiring me (he looks up to the gallery and finds Meredith smiling at him. He smiles back under the mask and then meets Miranda's eyes). That's not you, Bailey.

Bailey: that I know… you talk too much for me.

Derek: let's close him up. I go meeting the parents.

April: do you want me to come with you, chief?

Derek: keep holding the clamp, Kepner. Bailey and I can do it on our own (he leaves the OR, he can feel her stare on him but ignores it. They scrub out and go informing Daniel's parents. They find them sitting on a bench) Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs?

Mrs. Jacobs: how is Daniel doing?

Derek: he has not woken up yet. But I'm very confident. Surgery went good. We were able to remove everything and we noticed no damage.

Bailey: we just have to wait now.

Mr. Jacobs: is he really fine then?

Derek: I can't say it loud yet but I expect your son to recover perfectly.

Bailey: and quickly.

Mrs. Jacobs: thanks… just thank you (she hugs Derek)

Mr. Jacob: Rita… you're crushing him… (Bailey and Derek both smile)

Mrs. Jacobs: I'm sorry (she keeps crying)

Derek: it's fine, don't worry… just… If you let me… don't have your son skating among cars again.

Mrs Jacobs: I will burn that damn thing myself

Derek: ok then… I'll let you know when he is back in his room. If you need anything, no shame in asking…

Mr. Jacobs: thank you… all of you (Derek and Bailey go away)

Bailey: so… clamping

Derek: it's a shame she can't hold it forever.

Bailey: oh… wait…. You've got something on your cheek…

Derek: don't test my patience, Miranda…

* * *

_Some storms are difficult to foresee. You just see them when they're in front of you _(Alex comes back home and finds Izzie in the kitchen) _and thunders are already crossing the sky._

_But others… you see them coming and just linger in the open space anyway._

(Meredith is at Joe's. She is waiting for her drink. She notices April sitting alone and ignore her)

_You think they are just passing by, they won't affect you. _

_And then the lightening hits the ground._

_Home should be your shelter._

(in Mark's apartment a little party is going on, there are some doctors and nurses too)

_But with some kind of storm… not even there you are safe _

(Cristina arrives home and finds it empty. She goes into her room and notices a message on her pillow. She recognizes Owen's handwriting. She reads it aloud)

Cristina: I sleep at my place tonight. I need some time alone. I'm sorry. Love you. Owen.

(she throws It back on the bed, opens the fridge, takes a beer and starts drinking it on the couch)

_When the storm lives inside your heart… you are really in trouble_

(Owen is inside his bed, awake)

_And you make troubles of other's life._

(April switch the light off)


	6. WHAT WE LEAVE BEHIND

**What we leave behind**

* * *

_John kits had a theory about human beings: it's not having things which causes pleasure, but the longing._

_While you fight to win your target, you feel alive, happy, full of perspectives. _

_Once you get it, emptiness fills your heart and you start wishing something else._

_I do not know if that's true… but that's what I'm certain of: we realize we have stored things away and start missing when it is too late to regain them. We lose the moment leaving in the future._

_And our past, what we leave behind… is not going to come back… ever_

* * *

Alex enters the kitchen ready to leave for the hospital. He already has his coat on and his bag on the shoulder. Derek is there preparing coffee for Meredith.

Derek: morning

Alex: hi… (he takes a cookie from the jar and starts eating it. Derek looks at him and swallows) What?

Derek: can I ask you a favor, Karev?

Alex: sure (Derek stops doing anything and patters his fingers on the counter. He looks outside the window) So?

Derek: I don't want Meredith to be home alone for a few time.

Alex: why?

Derek: I can't tell you for now. Maybe I'm just hovering, maybe I'm going crazy, but I'd feel more ok if she never was home alone till I don't understand what's going on.

Alex: why? What's going on? (Derek keeps his eyes on the desk) Sorry… You can't tell me.

Derek: no

Alex: did you do something wrong?

Derek: no… it's not us. It's just I'm worried and…

Alex: ok, I just wanted to be sure not to nose into your affairs.

Derek: can I count on you?

Akex: sure. I'll keep an eye on her.

Derek: Thanks.

* * *

Bailey is preparing supplies in the clinic. She hears the door opening and checks on her watch. It's too early to admit patients. She goes to the door and stops in her tracks when she realizes who has just come in.

Bailey: that's a surprise! Izzie Stevens!

Izzie: Dr. Bailey… I'm glad to see you.

Bailey: come here… let me hug you… Are you ok?

Izzie: yes, treatments are going fine. I'm fine.

Bailey: I see… And work?

Izzie: I think I'm done doing the surgeon Dr. Bailey.

Bailey: but why? I thought you came here to take your job back.

Izzie: I'm not. I'm here to say goodbye. And finalize my divorce.

Bailey: divorce?

Izzie: Alex signed the papers yesterday. He got it… I just can't stay here anymore. And I'm sorry 'cause all of you did a lot for me but now… I want to start new. I'll go say hi to the chief. See you later (Bailey stares at her, her eyes are sad and she shakes her head)

* * *

Teddy is at the ER. Sheperd has paged her in to deal with a difficult case. She is waiting for the ambulance. The door's open and she sees Cristina.

Teddy: morning…

Cristina: morning (Teddy is surprised to see Cristina alone. She indeed needs Hunt too).

Teddy: is Owen already here?

Cristina: I don't know. I haven't seen him since yesterday evening

Teddy: oh… I'll page him then (Cristina goes away without adding anything, Teddy calls Hunt with her pager)

* * *

Meredith, Avery, Reed, Lexie and Alex are changing into their scrubs. Meredith notices Alex hasn't spoken yet.

Meredith: hey… are you ok?

Alex: Izzie's here.

Meredith: what? When did she arrive?

Alex: I found her home yesterday.

Meredith: how is she?

Alex: she looks good. And she is here to say goodbye (all their pagers start beeping all together)

Reed: it's the ER (Bailey enters the room)

Bailey: are you ready? Our patient is on the way. You are all on his case.

Avery: which case?

Bailey: male, 36. 680 pounds. He fell and broke some bone.

Alex: and the floor too…

Bailey: I don't want harsh comments and irony. Move (all the guys exit and pass in front of Izzie who is leaning against the door. Only Meredith smiles at her)

* * *

Derek is in the morgue with Green's lawyer, his expert and the hospital's scientist. They have just finished the autopsy.

Scientist: we are done here.

Lawyer: Dr. Wilson?

Expert: yes, I'm done. We have checked on everything.

Lawyer: do you already have an idea?

Expert: having read the chart Dr. Sheperd mailed me and seeing the exam, everything matches. I reserve to read my notes again, but, I think there is nothing to object to doctor's work. All was done carefully. And, let me say this Dr. Sheperd, you take risks in here. No one would have operated on Mrs. Greene. Every other hospital would have given her some comfort and wait for her to die. And, believe me, it would not have taken so much.

Derek: maybe you are right on other hospitals… but this is our policy. I would do everything the same way

(the phone on the wall rings and the scientist answers. When he hangs up there is a frown on his face)

Scientist: It looks like we have a problem outside. Security has just called me. Mr. Greene is outside the door and wants to come in.

Lawyer: I had told him not to come… ?

Derek: there is no problem for me but, as I've already told you, I do not recommend it.

Lawyer: I'll try to talk to him (he leaves the room and the others hear him talk to someone, he tries to convince Mr. Greene but, suddenly, he enters the door and runs to his wife)

Mr. Greene: sweetheart… (he starts sobbing taking her hand. Derek decides to give him some privacy and leaves the room. All he can hear are Mr. Greene desperate tears).

* * *

All the doctors are at the ambulance bay. They finally see the hooters and get ready. Dr. Webber and Altman are the first to approach the doors. When the paramedics open them they take a step back.

Paramedic: give me space doctors (everyone stares at him). Do you think we can lift him?

Webber: no

Paramedic: that's why I need to put the platform in position. Give me room (all doctors take some step back, they try to look inside the ambulance but see nothing. The paramedic is organizing the equipment. When he is done he pushes a button on his left and the gurney start to proceed ahead. When it starts its way down the slide, the others three paramedics come and help his colleague to slow its pace. The man on the gurney is enormous and the doctors look at him thunderstruck. When paramedics are done, they leave the gurney on the bay) It's all yours guys. Andrew…

Andrew: hi guys. Thank you for the lift (he speaks in a very childish way. The difference between his huge size and the tiny voice sounds grotesque)

Webber: ok… let's bring him in (he places himself behind the gurney with Bailey. They push but the stretcher does not move an inch. They look at the others) Do you mind to give us a hand please? (All the guys and even girls move and help to push the gurney in)

Alex: where do we go now?

Bailey: we have arranged a special visit room down the hall.

Avery: you're panting, Alex… No physical training lately…

Alex: shut up

* * *

Izzie is in front of the nursery. She looks to the babies through the window. She turns to go away and finds herself in front of Mark Sloan. What left her bewildered is that she is with a very young girl and, more than that, he is holding a baby.

Izzie: Dr. Sloan?

Mark: ehi… Stevens. Are you fine?

Izzie: I… am. Is this your child?

Mark: my grandchild… and this is my daughter.

Izzie: oh… I have lost something on the way.

Mark: yes… lot of things.

Izzie: I'm Izzie by the way (she shakes Little Sloan's hand). I've to go. To the Chief. See you.

Little Sloan: she is weird…

* * *

Arizona and Callie are walking together to the pit where Callie was paged.

Arizona: do you want to go out tonight?

Callie: yes, why not… Restaurant? I've heard there is a very romantic place near the docks. We…

Arizona: I was thinking of something different….

Callie: such as?

Arizona: theatre, cinema, ballet… Something we have never done before.

Callie: I don't do ballets. And theatre… just some kind of show (Arizona looks at her puzzled). My mum used to bring me all Saturdays to the ballet and I hated it. Really Hated it. And all the tragedies I had to witness… But we can go to a comedy or satira if you want. I can go for that.

Arizona: to tell the truth I had bought two tickets for tonight's Romeo and Juliet. I didn't know you had this thing against theatre.

Callie: Romeo and Juliet? Come on… It's the most boring story ever… And they all die in the end.

Arizona: that's romantic. Say yes please…

Callie: Arizona (Arizona is making puppy eyes to her)

Arizona: yes?

Callie: I hate you, you know?

Arizona: love you too (she gives Callie a kiss on the cheek and they turn the corner. Arizona is knocked down by a man walking in the opposite direction. On the way down she hits her head on the wall and falls to the ground)

Callie: oh my God… Arizona… Are you ok?

Arizona: kind of… Ouch (she sees on her hand there is blood). Owen? (they both look up to Owen who can barely keep his eyes open)

Owen: I'm sorry… I did not see you

Callie: how the hell can you see if you walks blind?

Owen: I have a headache. But I was paged (Callie helps Arizona standing up)

Arizona: You will not be very useful in these conditions. Come with me. I'll give you some pills.

Callie: are you sure you're ok?

Arizona: yes… this won't save you from Shakespeare .

Callie: uhm…. I go. And tell others you're coming.

Owen: thank you.

* * *

Derek is back in his office. He is doing papers when he feels a presence in his room. He looks up to find Izzie looking at him.

Derek: Izzie… (he stands up and makes some step to her)

Izzie: Dr. Sheperd… I've just heard the news. I guess congratulations are in order.

Derek: yes…. You look great

Izzie: I am….

Derek: I called you a lot of times and left many messages on your vocal mail….

Izzie: I should have called back… I know… but I knew what you wanted and I was not ready

Derek: are you now? (she turns back and goes near the glass. She looks outside, scanning the hospital from upside down)

Izzie: have you ever felt like you want to be in a place but you know you can't?

Derek: I guess I did. That's why I left New York three years ago. But that was different.

Izzie: how?

Derek: everything I saw, everyplace I went, reminded me of betrayal. I could not breathe in there. And so I packed my things and left without looking back. But there was nothing left for me there.

Izzie: what about your family?

Derek: my mum maybe… my sisters…. They supported my wife and my best friend more than me. It looked like I was the jealous husband overdoing things. This hurt more than betrayal itself.

Izzie: but you love them…

Derek: they are always family. You have friends here. And a husband. And a locker with your name on it. All you have to do is taking it all.

Izzie: I'll think about it.

Derek: let me know.

* * *

All the doctors in the pit are around the new patient. They are waiting for Webber's instructions.

Webber: so that's how we are working today. Meredith and Avery: you are with Bailey, Lexie and Kepner you're with me, Reed and Alex with Torres, Yang with Altman (Meredith and Cristina are side by side).

Meredith: where's Hunt?

Cristina: no idea (Webber stares at them disappointed)

Webber: as you may understand, it's very important to work together here. You will run tests for your attending but you will report results to all of us. Quickness and efficiency are today's keywords.

Good job everybody (every resident joins his attending. Cristina goes to Altman).

Teddy: ok Yang. We are the first to visit him. You ready?

Cristina: always (they get closer to Andrew)

Teddy: hi Mr. ….. (she scans the chart to find his family name)

Andrew: Andrew… it's fine. I always let girls call me by name. Especially when they are pretty (he smiles, Cristina rolls her eyes)

Teddy: ok Andrew… I'm Dr. Altman and she is Dr. Yang. I was told you fell and have some fracture so I will keep my visit short in order to let others take care of you as soon as possible. I guess you are in pain…

Andrew: not that much…

Teddy: bold… Anyway I will check on your vitals and keep an eye on you as long as you stay here.

Andrew: lucky you are the most beautiful here….

Teddy: yes… ok. Let's run a ECG now. Yang… (Cristina has already taken the cart and put it near the bed. She puts the sensors on Andrew's chest. She has to fix the armband to detect the blood pressure now. She tries to slip it on the patient's arm but it's too tight. She looks at Andrew embarrassed. He seems amused instead)

Andrew: it happens all the times…

Cristina: Dr. Altman….

Teddy: yes (she turns and notices the problem) Oh…

* * *

Alex and Reed are in the opposite side of the corridor. They are observing Cristina and Altman's efforts to visit the patient.

Alex: crap…. Look at that wrist…. It's wider than my leg….

Reed: do you think he has some kind of disorder?

Alex: I don't know… He has eaten four ice creams since he got here. It looks like he can't stop eating….

Reed: you know… I don't get how he fell… or better…. How he could stand to fall (Callie arrives behind their back)

Callie: that's a good question. But you won't fire it.

Reed: sure… I saw your wife is here (Callie turns to look at Alex)

Callie: Steven's here?

Alex: yep… but she is not my wife anymore. We divorced.

Reed: I'm sorry (but she smiles)

* * *

Meredith has just left to the toilet. Avery and Bailey are waiting for Andrew's tests.

Bailey: how is your grandpa?

Avery: fine… He wants to write a book on his awake surgery. He keeps talking of Webber and Sheperd.

Bailey: of how fool they were to go along his wishes?

Avery: no. Of how brave they were to deny it the second time. This tells a lot about him but…. they gained more respect with that refusal than saving his life (Miranda keeps looking at him as if she wanted to ask something) What?

Bailey: nothing… I was just wondering how your life was before the merger. Was Mercy West a good hospital?

Avery: I thought it was before coming here. There is no compare between our previous attendings and you. You're badass, you don't stop in front of anything. I've learnt more here in three months than there in 2 years.

Bailey: were you friends? You residents I mean… It does not look like you are really close and supportive

Avery: we were first… The merger has brought to the surface competition. Now I know maybe we has never been real friends. Unlike your guys here…

Bailey: do you know Kepner for a long time?

Avery: since the residency began. But we have never talked much with her. She is really shy and on her own. She looks like a lost puppy even in here. That's why I'm happy the Chief hired her back.

* * *

The guys are in the cafeteria to have lunch all together. Izzie is sitting with them too.

Alex: how did it go with Mr. Giant?

Cristina: it took me an hour to take his pressure. The armband did not want to go beyond his wrist.

Reed: does someone know why he is so fat?

Avery: I heard he wanted to be in the Guinness as the weightiest man in the world…

Cristina: that's stupid! I mean… he can either walk anymore. He has no friends…

Meredith: no friends?

Alex: I guess they are afraid to be eaten… Even his dog disappeared: in the oven (all the guys laugh but Meredith. She sniffles. Cristina looks at her)

Cristina: oh please…. What are you, crying?

Meredith: I'm not (she takes a hanky and blows again)

Alex: you're Mer…

Reed: come on… Are you really crying on fat ass?

Meredith: he is not…. (she really starts sobbing) How can you be so heartless! He is not much older than us. He leaves alone since his dog died. That has must been a tragedy to him. He is lonely. It's sad…. (all the others try to keep serious but then burst out laughing. Meredith goes away sobbing harder)

Cristina: Mer…. What the hell is wrong with her?

Alex: now I know why Sheperd asked me to keep an eye on her…

Reed: is she always so emotional?

Cristina: no… maybe it's her period….

Izzie: it's not, you morons (she gets up and follows Meredith who has just entered the toilets) Mer… it's me. Come out please.

Meredith: leave me alone Iz… I'm freaking out here…

Izzie: you are not (she checks no one is in the bathroom too). Mer…

Meredith: what…

Izzie: are you still taking your birth control pills?

Meredith: why do you ask?

Izzie: 'cause if you are not, I'd take a pregnancy test (Meredith slams the door open)

Meredith: what?

Izzie: you are emotional… emotional is not proper. You are a walking hormone. So…

Meredith: Derek and I have talked about babies and I stopped taking the pills

Izzie: it's wonderful! (she hugs her) Your kid will be the cutest ever!

* * *

Derek has finally arrived in the ER. He meets Richard.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: Richard… how is our special patient doing?

Richard: fine… Take a look yourself (Derek follows Webber's indication and looks at Andrew. The guy is eating a huge plate of meat and fries). Healthy Nut, uh?

Derek: his liver must be collapsing…

Richard: you won't believe this… (he handles Derek a piece of paper)

Derek: what? It's impossible… This guy's cholesterol rate is lower than mine

Richard: and mine too. We should stop cooking dietary…

Derek: and have some fun… The other exams?

Richard: Altman's told me his heart is perfectly functioning. Bailey checked on the kidneys and… guess?

Derek: they are more on time than a Swiss clock

Richard: exactly… Unbelievable… This man would be the living example of health…

Derek: if it wasn't for his size. Torres?

Richard: she is still trying to find a way to run a X-ray. But we should be near. How did it go in the morgue?

Derek: the expert confirms what we have asserted. Tomorrow they'll let me know if Mr. Greene gives up on the lawsuit.

Richard: I saw Stevens is here…

Derek: yes… I offered her position back but I think she will leave.

Richard: can I try to bring sense in her?

Derek: sure you can. But…(he shakes his head and goes away)

* * *

Alex and Reed are in the prototypes room. They are waiting for Torres to come back.

Reed: Grey?

Alex: Izzie went after her

Reed: that I saw… So you are not still married anymore…

Alex: no. But don't tell you are sorry again 'cause I know you are not (he sits on a chair and Reed sits in the near one).

Reed: no indeed… and I was thinking that Grey won't mind now if I do this

Alex: what?

Reed: kissing you… (she gets closer and meets his mouth with hers. Outside the door Izzie sees everything and goes away. Alex pushes Reed away)

Alex: I'm not ready to do this now. I love my wife.

Reed: but you divorced…

Alex: it's what she wanted. That does not mean I don't still love her (Callie comes in holding a big machine)

Callie: here we go…

Alex: what is that?

Callie: the old X-Ray's portable machine. I found it in the basement. It should work (even Arizona comes in)

Arizona: it will… You are a genius

Callie: are you ok?

Arizona: yes. Sloan gave me some stitches. And Shadow Sheperd ordered my quiet till tomorrow. I'm going home. And gave tickets to Bailey.

Callie: I'm sorry

Arizona: don't be. We'll go next time. See you home later.

* * *

Owen is in Dr. Wyatt's office. He is been laying on the couch for half an hour without saying anything.

Wyatt: this is not a rest room Dr. Hunt. You said you were here to talk…

Owen: I am…

Wyatt: then do it.

Owen: I got a call yesterday. The officer who sent us in Iraq.

Wyatt: uhm…

Owen: he said he has arranged a recovery path for people affected by PTS.

Wyatt: that's good, isn't 'it?

Owen: it would be if it was not 300 miles away from here.

Wyatt: but you could ask a leave of absence… Dr. Sheperd is your friend. He would not say no…

Owen: it's me who is saying no here. I can't live her.

Wyatt: who? Teddy? Or Cristina? Or your mum maybe?

Owen: how can you say it? I love…

Wyatt: them all? How you can say it? You are trying to find an excuse.

Owen: I'm not.

Wyatt: so you are… You've made up your mind. You know which is the right thing to do. But you are afraid. And you hide behind your women.

Owen: Cristina has opened up to me… She had bad experiences too but she trusted me. How can I fail her this way?

Wyatt: you won't if you are true. If you leave to heal, she'll understand.

Owen: and Teddy? I brought her here.

Wyatt: she'll get it too. She already does. You're lucky, Dr. Hunt. You have two women who love you, who are trying to do what's the best for you, who liked each other too in your name.

Owen: and I do not deserve none of them…

Wyatt: maybe. But the only way you can know this is coming back healed and decide what to do with your life. And with who you want to spend it (Owen stands up and leaves).

* * *

Cristina has been looking for Hunt in all conference rooms, on the OR board, in all OC rooms. She enters the last one but finds Teddy.

Cristina: I'm sorry… I was looking for Owen. Have you seen him?

Teddy: no… maybe he has taken the day off.

Cristina: what's going on with him?

Teddy: you should ask him, Cristina.

Cristina: I would if I found him. But we are here and I'm asking it to you (Teddy looks up and then down again). I told you everything, you know. And I have never felt so humiliated as now. Even then I was left on the altar I was better and more self confident than this. You owe me

Teddy: I don't…

Cristina: you do. 'Cause I've never asked Owen to make a choice between the two of us. I've never asked him to renounce to you as a friend and, you can swear it, I'd have won this. I let you back in his life and, God knows, maybe I'll regret it someday. But now the only thing I care is his health…

Teddy: I've found him a recovery program. In Arizona. Military hospital. Dr. Wyatt thinks he needs to go away form here for a while. And I made some calls and asked an old friend of ours to contact him (Cristina sits on the bed)

Cristina: is he going?

Teddy: I don't know. I don't even know if they have talked yet. But he is not here so… I think maybe they have (Cristina breaths out heavily) I'm sorry

Cristina: it's not your fault. I need to go now (she wakes up and leaves)

* * *

Webber finds Izzie outside the hospital, sitting on a bench.

Webber: here you are Dr. Stevens… You were difficult to find.

Izzie: Chief… I like this place. It's where George and I… used to have lunch (Richard sits on the same bench). Sometimes I can't believe he won't never come out from that doors again…

Webber: we never get used to these things… I heard rumors today.

Izzie: rumors sir?

Webber: yes… that a very special doctor is not going to stay here.

Izzie: I'm not that special. I have lost count of the patients I killed…

Webber: we all lose patients but, as I already have told you once, we come back the day after and work hardly than before to save the next. Do you know why I'm not chief anymore?

Izzie: Dr. Sheperd told me you had personal issues…

Webber: did he? (he laughs) It's the politically correct way to say I started to drink like hell right before the merger.

Izzie: sir…

Webber: I felt everything slip from my hands. My wife left me, the Board wanted my head, my hospital fell down in rankings and efficiency. So I started to drink and the best thing I came up with was the merger. And neglect my friends. And firing people on the first occasion. Does this remind you of anything?

Izzie: you did not fire me on the first occasion. It was the second… or the third.

Webber: but you did not deserve it. When I made mistakes, and I made a lot worse than yours, people did not push me away. They gave me a second shot. And a third. And they keep doing it. That's why Dr. Webber is still here. It's not my credit. That's why I think you should reconsider your decisions and come back where everyone … you know.

Izzie: this place was my family… it still is and always will be. But… I saw my husband kissing another woman today. He is over me. And I had a lot of time to think and you know what?

Webber: no…

Izzie: I'm not so sure I want to be a surgeon after all. I love medicine. I really do. But competition was never my daily bread. I fought as I am a fighter but I had no joy in winning. I love patients, I like to listen to their problems, I like talking to them, I like bonding. All the things you always scolded me for. That's not my place anymore.

Webber: what are you thinking about?

Izzie: I have not decided yet. I'm not going to join the army as I am a pacifist. But I'm considering some mission. In Africa maybe. I could really play the doctor there (Richard sends her a sad smile and leans his hand on her shoulder)

* * *

The doctors are back to Andrew. They are all looking at Callie, Reed and Alex who are trying to place the X-Ray above Andrew's thigh.

Callie: a bit left, Reed

Reed: this way?

Callie: lift it up Karev…

Alex: ok?

Callie: that's perfect! Stay still Andrew… it will take two seconds (she looks in the machine) We're done (a printer starts to show the images of the bone) It looks pretty bad…

Andrew: did it break for the fall?

Callie: no… It looks more like it broke because of the weight… But the good news is that we do not need to operate on it. We'll make a cast.

Andrew: it will cost you a fortune…

Callie: how bad for the insurance… (Callie gestures everybody to get closer). Ok guys… We are done here. We'll discharge you before evening.

Andrew: wait….

Callie: yes?

Andrew: you said it broke for the weight…

Callie: yes

Andrew: that means it's better I do not walk anymore?

Callie: it means you are at high risk.

Andrew: what can I do then?

Alex: making a diet?

Bailey: Karev!

Andrew: no… he is right. I spent ten years to become fatter and fatter. And I didn't enjoy food that much. It was a kind of sport. I thought people found this hot and funny but… the first time I won the Guinness, I realized people found me ridiculous. Everyone wants to watch this whale on tv but, when cameras are off, they avoid me. They don't see me. And it's strange as I'm a difficult person not to see (Meredith has started to cry again. Cristina eyes her)

Cristina: oh Mer… again? Please… what's the hell wrong with you?

Meredith: I don't know. It's just so sad! (she sniffles and Bailey eyes her puzzled)

Andrew: I have never realized what I was leaving behind my growing size… Life, a normal life. I just wanted to be extraordinary but now… I'd give anything to go back.

Bailey: Andrew… if you want, we can help you

Andrew: how?

Bailey: your tests are surprisingly good. You are less cholesterol and diabetes than half of us. Your organs are fine despite the weight. You want to go back, you can.

Andrew: really?

Webber: sure. We can study a food plan for you. You could stay here for a week and see if it works.

Andrew: that would be great!

Bailey: ok then (Meredith sobs are really loud now)

Andrew: is she fine?

Cristina: it's just that thin is sad (everyone bursts out laughing)

* * *

_It's sad to leave things behind._

(Andrew smells suspiciously some vegetables)

'_Cause you'll always wonder if they would have been good for you._

(Izzie is waiting for Alex outside the hospital)

Alex: So… you're leaving….

Izzie: I am... Good luck with Reed (she kisses him on the cheek, looks back to the hospital once more and leaves)

_You try to forget and look ahead to your new target._

(Meredith is at Joe's, in the toilet. She is sitting on the floor holding her pregnancy test two inches from her nose. The stick is blue)

_New hopes… new lives…. New problems._

Callie comes back home. Arizona is on the couch.

Callie: hey… you ok?

Arizona: bored…

Callie: I brought you dinner, drinking and a movie to see.

Arizona: I'm not in the mood to watch a movie.

Callie: even if it's Romeo and Juliet (she shows her the DVD)

_But the truth is that you'll always have regrets._

_We go ahead as we can't go back._

(Owen is putting his stuff in a bag)

_We look for new targets because, elsewhere, we would not know what to do of ourselves._

_And we pretend they are more important than the previous._

_So, my point is: live your life as tomorrow you should die._

_But think as you never had to die_

(a photo shows Andrew with all the doctors)

* * *

Ok guys.... next update will be my season finale. I hope to post it tomorrow. Let me know if you want me to go ahead after next chapter.

Enjoy and review!


	7. DEATH AND ALL HER FRIENDS

So this is my season finale.

I warn you: it's cruel.

We have two people breaking up and destroyed, we have a turnover in some other's character life.

We have tragedy and suspence.

I hope you enjoy it.

Review and let me know if you want more.

P. S. : Someone asked me if ehi stands for Hi or hey. It does. Italian just wins sometimes....

**Death and all her friends**

* * *

(Derek's voice over. We see the elevator's ceiling)

_Since med school, you are trained to handle every kind of emergency._

_You perfectly learn to know that __world can snatch your life away whenever it wants._

_You are amazed to see how many kinds of injuries a human body can suffer._

_But what affects you the most is realizing that the most brutal are those inflicted by another human being._

(in the elevator the light turns off)

_It takes a moment to a sick mind to take your life away…_

_My dad said hi to my mum one morning._

_The evening I went to visit him in his shop._

_He told me to go to the other side of the road to the backer's to grab some bread._

_I met two guys on my way out. Two perfectly normal guys._

_And midway, I heard the shots._

_I came back to find my dad laying in a pool of blood._

_His last words were my nightmare for many years…_

(lights come back)

* * *

Derek wakes up with a start. He sits on the bed, hands on his eyes. He turns back and notice Meredith is not in the bed. He hears a strange noise coming from the bathroom. He opens the door and sees Meredith throwing up in the sink. He lays a hand on her back, rubbing it.

Derek: ehi… what's wrong?

Meredith: I think I drank too much yesterday evening (she drinks a sip of water and turns back to look at him. She could get lost in his eyes. She could tell him, but decides it's not the right way to do it)

Derek: were you with Cristina?

Meredith: and Alex… He was depressed for Izzie and Cristina is worried about Owen (they go downstairs, in the kitchen)

Derek: they are not fine, uh?

Meredith: not at all

Derek: I saw him yesterday and he looked destroyed. He has not solved the PTS syndrome yet.

Meredith: he is seeing a shrink now. Dr. Wyatt…

Derek: I don't know her

Meredith: she is the hospital's psyc (Derek looks at her) I went to her too…

Derek: what? When…?

Meredith: an year ago. While you were dating Rose. I had some problems in sleeping and had some sessions with her. She healed me (Derek sits in front of her and takes her hand in his)

Derek: I'm sorry….

Meredith: what for? It was not your fault. Plus… it worked. It was one of the best ideas I've ever had. Except marrying you (she kisses him on the lips). I just hope it will work for Hunt too: Cristina does not need another letdown. I am afraid it'd break her (Derek's pager starts to beep). They can't live without their chief….

Derek: apparently not (he stands up and takes his bag)

Meredith: are you going to make late tonight?

Derek: It depends on what my naughty wife has in mind (he gets closer and kisses her)

Meredith: a romantic dinner, maybe some talking. I'd like to discuss something with you (Derek realizes she looks nervous)

Derek: sure… See you for lunch?

Meredith: ok

* * *

Alex and Cristina have been paged to the ER. They find Bailey and Hunt at the ambulance bay. Cristina and Hunt just share a look.

Alex: what's coming?

Bailey: a guy and his girlfriend. They were attacked in the park this morning while jogging. I don't know anything else (the two ambulances finally arrive, paramedics go out and pull the gurneys out)

Paramedic: girl, 25, suspect of fracture to the left cheekbone. She is awake but in shock. We were not able to have her say a word.

Paramedic: male, 28. Multiples fractures to the ribs, suspect of spleen rupture. He lost consciousness coming here.

Alex: what the hell happened?

Paramedic: I don't know. Another jogger heard the girl's screams and called the police. It looks like two strands have assaulted the girl.

Hunt: and he has tried to protect her. Bailey… I take Karev and the guy (Cristina looks at him shocked)

Bailey: ok… visit room 3 for us Yang (they push the gurneys in). Someone pages Sheperd please! (the paramedic calls her back. She gestures towards Cristina to go ahead)

Paramedic: her pants were shred. Maybe you should…

Bailey: ok… Thank you.

(Alex comes back to the visit room where Hunt is with the patient)

Alex: CT is free

Hunt: ok then… let's move

* * *

Mark is in the attending locker room. He is sitting in a chair squeezing a rubber ball. Callie comes in running.

Callie: hi… (he does not answer) I'm late… as usual these days (she changes quickly into her scrubs and sits on the bench to tie her shoes. It's when she looks up that she notices Mark hasn't moved or spoken yet) Mark? (she stands up and gets closer. She notices a tear rolling down his face. She kneels in front of him and touches his thigh). What's wrong? Is Lexie or Little Sloan? (he keeps staring in front of him). Is there something wrong with the baby? Mark… you have to give me something here (when she gets no answer she pages Lexie and waits for her in the corridor)

Lexie: hei, you paged?

Callie: do you know what's his problem? (she gestures to Mark and Lexie shakes her head. She makes a step to his direction)

Lexie: Mark? Come on, talk to me.

Mark: I kid died in my OR this night. He was 2. He was sleeping and his house went in flames. I could not…. (he swallows) I keep saying he is not my grandchild or son… but I can't stop crying. What happened to me?

Callie: you are a father.

Lexie: and a grandpa. You care more about your patients as you care more as a man.

Mark: I've always been caring…

Lexie: that I know but it's different now.

Mark: How? I saw my parents die, I saw Derek's father die. I saw hundred of patients die… many because they just chose to. These things should not happen to babies. Death should spare them and go somewhere else.

Callie: death does not choose, Mark. But we do sometimes. We make mistakes and we pay the price all our life.

* * *

Bailey is waiting for Derek in the corridor. He passes in front of April without looking at her and joins Miranda. She puts herself between Sheperd and the door.

Derek: what?

Bailey: the patient, Melissa, was attacked in the park with his boyfriend. She hasn't said a word since they brought her here. She is in shock. Very likely she won't answer you.

Derek: ok… (Bailey moves and he enters. He takes his penlight and approaches her) Melissa… I'm going to check on you, ok? (he touches her cheek, he notices a frown on her face). Your cheekbone is fractured but it's a clean fracture. It's going to heal ok. Can you talk?

Bailey: I know you are scared but you'd help us. You'd help Samuel too (a tear escapes from Melissa's eyes) I go to take a kit (in the corridor there are loud voices and a girl enters the visit room)

Girl: Melissa… (Derek notices Melissa is getting paler. He stops her way in)

Derek: you can not be in here madam.

Girl: but she's my friend…

Cristina: but you've got to wait outside. Come with me (she takes the girl away. April enters the room. Melissa has started sobbing. Derek takes her hand)

Derek: what happened in the park? (she closes her eyes and keeps crying). Has she something to do with it? Talk to me, please (she grabs his arm and pulls him closer)

Melissa: it was her… she was with them… (Derek hugs her. April can't take her eyes out of him. Cristina goes back into the visit room)

Derek: Dr. Yang….

Cristina: yes sir?

Derek: call security and have them take that girl into custody. Call the police then.

Cristina: I go.

Derek: it's over. It's all over.

* * *

Alex and Owen are at the CT.

Alex: crap

Owen: the spleen is ruptured

Alex: And the bleeding huge.

Owen: there are three ribs broken too (the phone rings and Alex answers, he hangs up quickly).

Alex: his girlfriend has started to talk. And identified the aggressors.

Owen: it's good.

Alex: not much. It's her best friend who arranged everything.

Owen: let God save me from my enemies. I'll defend myself from my friends.

Alex: yes…

Owen: page Webber or Bailey and book an OR. We need to stop the bleeding.

* * *

Derek is back in his office. He finds the scientist's report about Mrs. Greene and starts to read it. He turns the page and then goes back to the previous one, a frown on his forehead; he grabs the phone.

Derek: it's Sheperd, can I talk to Dr. Simmons please? Thanks (await) Dr. Simmons, it's Sheperd. I got your report but there is a page lacking. Yes, n. 3. Can you mail it please? Ok, thanks. Bye (someone knocks to the door) Come in… (Mr. Greene's lawyer comes in) Mr. Richardson… I did not expect to see you….

Lawyer: don't worry. We have not changed idea (April stops near the door and overhears the conversation). I have just convinced Mr. Greene to take part to your rehab program upstairs and I brought him in for the first session. He is… I don't know how to say it. It took me a long time to convince him there was nothing he could blame the hospital for. His sadness was turning into anger and, even if we have been friends all our life, I found it was better let him have some professional help.

Derek: it's a good idea. Our experts and volunteers are very qualified. They'll be of help (April leaves).

Lawyer: yes… so goodbye Dr. Sheperd. It was a pleasure to meet you (they shake hands)

Derek: goodbye Mr. Richardson.

* * *

Bailey, Cristina, Meredith and Avery are in the gallery to observe Hunt's surgery. Webber is in the OR too.

Bailey: I just can't believe she did this. For Christ sake, she was their friend.

Cristina: friendship sucks sometimes.

Avery: really?

Cristina: it does. Because when it's not true and honest… it can do more harm than good. Probably she was that kind of friend who never had a good word to them. Always stuck with them but never supportive. She was just waiting for her occasion with him and when it did not come…

Bailey: she made it up herself. Humans are beasts sometimes…

Meredith: cruel beasts (she changes suddenly expression and stands up) I'm sorry (she leaves)

Cristina: Mer… where….

Avery: did you have fun yesterday evening? She keeps going to the toilet.

Bailey: I guess you had one of your well known tequila parties

Cristina: we had not… whatever. I go to check on her (she leaves too and enters the toilet) Mer? Are you here?

Meredith; yes (Cristina looks for Meredith in every cubicle till she notices her legs and pushes the door open) What the hell! I'm trying to pee here

Cristina: you are pregnant, aren't you?

Meredith: I…. am

Cristina: how long?

Meredith: I don't know

Cristina: have you told Derek?

Meredith: not yet. I'll do it tonight (she looks down)

Cristina: what?

Meredith: what if he gets mad? I mean… we had talked about babies but maybe he did not mean so quickly. He is Chief now, he has lot of responsibilities and stuff to care. What if he has no time for me and McPeanut?

Cristina: Mc What?

Meredith; whatever….

Cristina: stand up from there (she gestures her to stand up) Come on… move your ass (Meredith pulls her pants up)

Meredith: my bladder is on fire… (while she is tying her scrubs Cristina hugs her. Meredith is stunned) Cristina?

Cristina: McPeanut will make him the happiest man in the world… And you too… (when Cristina lets her go Meredith puts her palm on her forehead)

Meredith: you don't seem to have a fever…

Cristina: shut up.

* * *

Webber: damn it…

Alex: what?

Webber: I can't save the spleen. The bleeding is too huge and I can't find the source. We have to take it out (Webber turns to take the surgical tools)

Owen: wait….

Webber: there's no time Dr. Hunt

Owen: Here it is (Webber looks at the body cavity)

Webber: It's the left kidney.

Owen: and it's what we have to take out.

Alex: but… if we can't stop the bleeding….

Owen: we'll have to take out the spleen too

Webber: and he will live in dialysis for the rest of his life (they start working on the patient and Alex breaths out heavily)

Owen: are you fine, Karev?

Alex: it's just it is not…

Webber: fair?

Alex: yes sir… They trusted her. How could she be so twisted to even think of doing that?

Webber: because the human being is the wildest predator, Karev. I'd like to tell you differently, but It will be the first thing you'll get aware of doing this job. You'll witness every kind of injury in your career: car crushes, hurricanes, earthquakes… But when a man does harm another one… It's there you see the worse. And what strikes you the most is that you don't realize a person is damaged till it's too late (we see April coming out from the elevator and walking down a corridor) That girl has probably been playing the good friend for years. But, in the while, she was planning to get rid of them.

* * *

April stops in front of a counter. The guy on the other side smiles to her but when he is about to speak the phone rings in front of him. He gestures April to wait.

Guy: Seattle Grace Rehab Program. What can I do for you? Mmm (he takes some note) Ok, fine. See you tomorrow then (he hangs up) Sorry… Can I help you?

April: I just wanted to join the volunteer program.

Guy: do you work here?

April: yes, surgery.

Guy: ok… you have to fill these forms and you can start next week.

April: next week? (she sounds disappointed and the guy looks up at her) I'm sorry. It's that I was just given the day off and I hoped I could start today (she smiles)

Guy: usually our volunteer have to make a training first (he looks at her) but you're a doctor after all. And this morning I received a patient I was not expecting so… if you feel ready.

April: I'm

Guy: good then. Do you see the man in there? He came here this morning. He lost his wife a week ago. Talk to him.

April: I go (she leaves the guy and lingers on the door)

* * *

Owen and Webber are scrubbing out.

Webber: nice work in there.

Owen: thank you sir (he answers without looking up. Webber stares at him)

Webber: are you fine Dr. Hunt?

Owen: I guess I'm not (Richard dries his hands with a towel and throws it in the bin)

Webber: can I do something?

Owen: no, sir. I can but… (he shakes his head. Suddenly he pulls the cap off his head and leaves. He walks through the corridor looking around and finally stops in front of Derek's door. He knocks and is invited to go in)

Derek: Owen…

Owen: Chief….

Derek: how was your surgery?

Owen: fine… We had to take a kidney out but we were able to save the spleen (Owen keeps staring everywhere but at Derek)

Derek: sit Owen.

Owen: No. I…. (he turns around and sits on the couch, his scrub cap still in the hands) I came here to ask you a leave of absence period (Derek sinks in his chair)

Derek: can I ask you why?

Owen: you still know it… I joined a PTS rehab program in Phoenix. I should start next week (Derek stands up and joins Owen on the couch)

Derek: are you sure of doing this?

Owen: no… but I have to try if I don't want to go crazy.

Derek: what about Cristina? (Owen lifts just to sink in the couch backrest)

Owen: is this the Chief talking?

Derek: it's Derek who double dated for S. Valentine's day talking. Did you tell her?

Owen: not yet but… she knows. She knows I was considering it and she knows it's the best pick I have. Even if…

Derek: knowing won't make it easier?

Owen: yes… something like that (he stands up) I know I gave you a short time notice and I get if you can't do this. I'll write my resignation stat (he is going to the door).

Derek: Owen… it's fine. I'll have Patricia fill the papers in the afternoon. You can take all the time you need. Just… come back, ok? (he stretches his hand to him and Owen takes it)

Owen: thank you (they quickly hug and Owen leaves. In the meanwhile Meredith and Cristina are walking on the corridor. When Meredith looks at Derek's office she stops abruptly)

Cristina: what?

Meredith: is that Owen hugging Derek? (Cristina looks up to see the two men) Oh God… he is leaving (she starts running to the door from Owen came out and she joins him in the corridor)

Cristina: are you leaving? (Owen looks back but don't stop. He keeps walking through the corridors to the attending locker room) When were you going to tell me?

Owen: Cristina… please (he finally enters the room but Cristina follows him. Teddy is in the bathroom and she is brushing her hair when she hears the voices)

Crsitina: I can't believe this… You were leaving without even saying goodbye

Owen: I was not… I was going to…

Cristina: what? Send me an e-mail? Like you did with Beth to break up with her? Are you listening to yourself?

Owen: I…

Cristina: what? Am I so meaningless to you? 'cause there is no more reason you hurt me like that! I gave you everything Owen. I gave you everything and you? You are not even able to look me in the eye and tell me you are going the fuck away!

Owen: I could not… (he lets himself fall on a bench) Do you have an idea of how much this is difficult to me?

Cristina: you tell me… as it's since your session with Teddy that you're not giving me anything here. Are you going with her?

Owen: no! How can you say that?

Cristina: because it's been three days you are avoiding me like I was plague. Not a call, not a message, not a sentence. It's like I never existed in your life. And now… this (Owen keeps looking down) You know what? I thought I was the wrong one here, I thought I was selfish and cynical and maybe I am. But there's something nobody will never charge me of: being a coward. But you… you Owen were a freaking coward. Good luck with your program (she leaves slamming the door. Teddy comes out from the bathroom and meets Owen's look).

* * *

Bailey has entered Melissa's room. She is checking on her vitals when the girl opens her eyes.

Bailey: you are awake

Melissa: kind of…

Bailey: how are you feeling?

Melissa: dizzy and… tired.

Bailey: you need to rest. Samuel's surgery went fine.

Melissa: really?

Bailey: yes… he is in the ICU now. You can go and see him in a couple of hours.

Melissa: thank you. What about…. Her?

Bailey: the cops brought her to the police station. You have nothing to fear (the girl starts sobbing).

Melissa: how could we get here? How could we… (she wipes her tears away)

Bailey: hey… relax….

Melissa: that's my fault. I knew she was weird. She was everywhere. We went downtown and we met her, we went out for dinner and there she was. I got the impression she was following us but Samuel… he told me I was paranoid. And then…

Bailey: there was no way you could see this coming. She was a little intrusive, obsessed maybe. But who does not have issues? It takes a long step from being curious to try to kill someone. You trusted her. It's not your fault. All you need to do now is having a nap and prepare to meet your boyfriend. He needs you.

Melissa: ok… (Bailey leaves the room. She sees Derek outside the residents locker room and gets closer)

Bailey: Sheperd….

Derek: Miranda…

Bailey: how is it going with Kepner?

Derek: good… I don't know where she is. So it's good (he smiles and looks up at her but notices she looks serious) Why? What are you, worried?

Bailey: I was… (Derek follows her look and sees Melissa's room)

Derek: affected by their story?

Bailey: yes… a little bit. A lot.

Derek: you don't need to worry Bailey. As long as Meredith is safe, I can take care of myself (his cell beeps and it takes it out from the pocket. Bailey leaves in the same moment that Meredith comes out from the locker room) Here she is… (he meets her with a tender kiss and a hug)

Meredith: wow… that's what I call a welcome! (Derek is still hugging her rocking her left and right)

Derek: I missed you… (when he lets go of her he looks her in the eyes) I guess you've heard about Owen.

Meredith: yes… I did. Cristina is… quite upset.

Derek: do you need a girl to girl speech tonight?

Meredith: no. I invited her to sleep at our place but she'll be off at 23 so… we have time for our dinner before.

Derek: and for what you have to tell me…

Meredith: yeh….

Derek: any spoiler?

Meredith: wait and see.

Derek: will I like it?

Meredith: I hope so.

Derek: I know so (Meredith puts her hands behind his neck and catches his lips with hers. She deepens the kiss but stops when she feels tension building up in his groin)

Meredith: Chief… this is not appropriate, you know?

Derek: maybe we could go to an on call room (he kisses her cheek)

Meredith: no, we can't.

Derek: why? (he has a pout on his face)

Meredith: you are adorable when you're pouting, you know? But it still is no. I have to go now (she turns on her heels to leave but Derek catches her hand and makes her look at him again) What?

Derek: I love you (he kisses her again and then let her go)

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: mmm?

Meredith: it will be hard on you to work with that wood in your legs (she bursts out laughing and leaves. Bailey has seen the whole scene from the nurses station)

* * *

April is still lingering on the door looking at Mr. Greene. She is trying to prepare a speech.

April: ok… April. Calm down. It's a great shot to you. Maybe the last one. If you convince him that the hospital had no blame for what happened… he will be grateful to you. More than grateful. You just need to be relaxed and all-understanding (she exhales loudly and go standing in front of Mr. Greene. The man looks up and recognizes the familiar face)

Mr. Greene: are you…

April: yes, I am (she sits in front of him). I'm really sorry for what happened. I wanted to let you know this.

Mr. Greene: why do you care? It's your job. I guess you see people die every day.

April: I do but…. It's always hard when you have to make choices like the one Dr. Sheperd had to do.

Mr. Greene: it did not look like it was. He was cold and detached.

April: he was not. He is an amazing doctor. And a really good man.

Mr. Greene: is he? Because you've got to tell me how a good man pulls a woman off a ventilator, why he lets a scientist to cut into her like she was an useless piece of meat? Why did he do that? (his voice has grown louder and his look agressive. April is scared and surprised by the man's reaction) As he is not what you say. He is an arrogant who likes to control and decide for other's lives. He killed my wife. He chose and killed her. I was… am his husband and had no power on it. He had it. And killed her in front of my very eyes.

April: it was not his choice

Mr. Greene: no? Whose then? And don't you dare to tell me it was my wife's as she loved life. She loved me. She would have never given up without fighting. So? I'm waiting here…

April: it was his wife's (the words roll out of her tongue before she could stop them)

Mr. Greene: her wife's? She… He is not even married….

April: he is… kind of. She is a doctor too. Dr. Grey.

Mr. Greene: I don't understand… Dr. Grey pulled Mary off the ventilator.

April: not Lexie Grey. It's Meredith Grey. She is in charge of Dr. Sheperd's cases. She had to care for the DNR forms. If you say your wife did not sign one…

Mr. Greene: she did it for her. Oh my God (he takes his face in his hands). They killed her… They killed my Mary…. I need to call Mr. Robinson (he stands up and leaves. April is still sitting, she looks up ashamed of herself)

* * *

Alex is changing into his street clothes when Meredith comes in.

Meredith: hey

Alex: hi. Tough day….

Meredith: yep

Alex: I heard Hunt is going away for a while.

Meredith: one month.

Alex: did you know?

Meredith: anyone did.

Alex: Cristina?

Meredith: you know her. She is playing the strong woman but… she did not expect this.

Alex: it's not a positive period for love… Sorry, except for you and McDreamy.

Meredith: do you know where Izzie is going?

Alex: she told me something about Africa but… I don't know for sure

Meredith: do you ever think of….

Alex: what?

Meredith: before… Where Izzie was here and George was alive. When we still were the fab five without problems and worries.

Alex: I prefer my life now as a resident. But I miss them too (he sits near Meredith on the bench). Do you remember when O'Malley did his first solo? (she starts laughing)

Meredith: I nearly had a stroke when Bailey wanted to have him cut my appendix out. But he kicked your ass in that elevator.

Alex: where Sheperd proposed

Meredith: how do you know?

Alex: you're kidding… Everything the two of you did is written in the SG chronicles.

Meredith: that's not true!

Alex: it is… You never told me Bailey caught the two of you together in a car… you know doing what. And you never told me the panties in the surgical board were yours.

Meredith: did you really think they were Callie's?

Alex: no hope. Her panties won't fit in the board (she laughs)

Meredith: we were lighthearted then.

Alex: but you are happy now. And I can see something good is going on even now (Meredith looks up to him puzzled) GYM squad… remember?

Meredith: is it so easy to understand?

Alex: only if you are an expert

Meredith: what are you going to do?

Alex: sleeping, finally. It was a lot of nights I could not sleep peacefully. You'll give us a break now (Alex leaves, Meredith is alone. Mr. Greene is outside the door. He is going to go in when he notices Dr. Lexie Grey running in. He hides in a corner and listens to their conversation)

Lexie: hey

Meredith: ehi, you ok?

Lexie: Altman is going to kill me. I can't find DNR forms anywhere. Do you know…

Meredith: don't ask me. I've never seen a DNR form in my life. Go and ask Bailey (Lexie leaves, the corner Mr. Greene was in is empty. Meredith walks out but a nurse stops her)

Nurse: Dr. Grey…

Meredith: Susan….

Nurse: do you want a piece of my chocolate cake?

Meredith: mmm. It smells good. Why not… (they approach the nurses station. Susan seems to be looking for something)

Susan: that's unbelievable!

Meredith: what?

Susan: it's the third knife which got missing today. This is the fourth and last one we have.

Meredith: I was lucky then…

Susan: voilà (she gives Meredith the cake)

* * *

Derek is closing his office. He is holding his bag and his jacket. April approaches him shyly.

April: Chief (Derek recognizes her voice without looking up)

Derek: Dr. Kepner… I haven't seen you the whole day

April: I was busy doing some stuff (Derek looks at her and notices her discomfort)

Derek: is there something you need to tell me?

April: I… (she remembers Mr. Greene's rage, the evil in his eyes. But he was just upset, he won't do anything stupid she keeps telling herself) It's nothing (she looks down)

Derek: ok then… See you tomorrow (he turns to leave)

April: I just wanted to apologize (Derek stops and looks at her). For everything. I've realized today that my behavior was… inappropriate. I did not mean to scare you but it's what I did. I'm sorry.

Derek: never mind. If you got that, we are fine. Good night (he smiles at her and goes to the elevator).

* * *

_(Derek voice over)_

_Death comes unexpected_

We see Derek meeting some nurse on his way and say hi with a smile. The doors of the elevator open and he is surprised to see a repairman working in the rear. He enters. He should tell him he has forbidden to make these kinds of repairs during the day but it's late. Meredith is waiting for him. He pushes the ground floor button and gives his back to the worker. He can't help smiling thinking of Meredith and the surprise she is holding for him. His mind has being flying high the whole day and it was difficult to keep it under control. He did not want to build false hope with too high expectations. He pulls his phone out of his jeans pocked to send her a message. He has just begun to type it when the elevators stop and a slight move catches his attention. He has no time to turn back that an agonizing pain hits him in the lower part of his back. He lets his bag and coat fall to the ground and legs would fail him too if a strong arm had not snaked around his neck. The pain is taking his breath away. The arm slams him against the wall and he finds himself face to face with two wild eyes. He tries to focus on the man's face but another unbearable stab pierces his flesh. He looks down to see a knife sticking out of his stomach. The attacker makes a step back and Derek falls on his knees and then to the ground panting for air. He tries to breathe but every time, pain shots through his wounds, it cuts him from head to toe. When he opens his eyes he finds himself staring at someone's feet. A kick hits him in the shoulder and has him roll on his back. This is the moment Mr. Greene's face comes into his perspective. The man kneels on Derek, on his groin, another knife in his left hand.

Derek: Mr… (Even these two little letters are too painful to say. He swallows and feels the bitter and metallic taste of blood in his throat)

Mr. Greene: I'm sorry. You have to believe me. I'm sorry. I would have never been pushed to do this. I have tried to talk to Mr. Robinson but he did not answer. And after what she told me… I had to do something.

Derek: she… (Derek closes his eyes. Pain is overwhelming)

Mr. Greene: she told me a lot of good things about you. She tried to convince me it was not your fault, that it was your wife's. But when I went looking for her… she sounded innocent and I could not… hurt her.

Derek: do not touch her… (Mr. Greene's eyes fill with anger once more. He lifts Derek pulling him by his collar shirt and shakes him violently)

Mr. Greene: I won't touch her because she has nothing to do with you killing my wife. She didn't do anything. And I'm nothing like you (he slams Derek back to the floor. A single groan escapes from Derek's lips) How could you do that to her? She trusted you all. And you failed her and cut into her like she was an animal (he takes a page from his rear pocket and opens it in front of Derek's eyes. He immediately recognizes the lacking page of the autopsy report. Mr. Greene lifts Derek's shirt and his underwear exposing his thorax, a wild look in his eyes. Derek closes his eyes as he well knows what it's going to come next. He tries to prepare himself and his body but the pain that assaults him is too cruel. He feels a rib breaking under the violence of the blade and then another with the following stab. He feels the edge of the knife tearing off his flesh. Husky moans make their way out of his gritted teeth. His whole body is shaking in shock. He is cold and feels the sweat wetting his forehead. His eyes are watering. He looks at the elevator's ceiling. He feels himself fading away but Greene's voice takes him back) Do you know how you feel when your wife dies in front of you? It's like someone knocked all the air out of your lungs (he takes another stab at Derek's chest) and then ripped your heart from your chest with a spoon (he takes a final stab to his chest. Derek's blood coats his hand and the elevator's walls. This seems to take him back to reality. He stands up and backs off. He lets the knife fall on the floor and looks at Derek with wide eyes. Sheperd is coughing blood. He lays still on the floor, his shirt blood soaked, his hands covered in his own blood. Mr. Greene starts to shake his head frantically) What did I do? Oh my God… What did I do? (The elevator gets the highest floor and the doors open. Greene turns the service key off and leaves Derek there bleeding)

* * *

_It may have the face of a friendly person._

(Melissa hugs Samuel from her wheelchair. They are both crying)

_It may come by the hand of a stranger_

(we see the elevator's ceiling form Derek's perspective. We can hear his heavy breathing)

_Death is smart._

_She unleashes her best friend against you: pain._

_And when you have had enough of him, when he has driven you crazy, she shows you promises of quietness_

(Derek is still on the floor. He sees Meredith in his land with a toddler in her arms)

_She jokes you around._

_Once you meet her, it's a presence you'll never forget_

( Owen is sitting at Joe's. Teddy joins him. He just looks at her and goes back to his bear)

Teddy: it's the right thing Owen. You know it is.

Owen: why do I feel so guilty then?

Teddy: because you love her. And that's why you'll go through this and come back. That's why you'll win death. And pain and doubt and all what comes with it.

_Even if many of us see death as a shelter and as a doctor I know she'll always win, I still think life is something to fight hard for._

(Meredith is in her street clothes and arrives in front of the elevators. She notices a little crowd standing there. She gets close to Cristina)

Meredith: what's going on? (she notices the surprised look on her face) What?

Cristina: the damned elevator is off service from half an hour (she speaks in Mer's ear) I thought you had dropped the bomb and you and McDaddy were doing the McNasty in the elevator.

Meredith: how could you believe that?

Alex: not the two of you don't have a story… (Meredith rolls her eyes and turns back going to the stairs)

Cristina: where are you going?

Meredith: home… I can take the stairs. For now (Cristina and Alex go with her. In front on the elevator Bailey and Webber are talking with a staff member. The man has a pocket radio near his ear)

Man: ok Bob, let's do it then!

Webber: doing what?

Man: it looks like the elevator is out of order. We'll take to power out and this will reset the settings. So, it will function again (on the elevator the lights go off)

_Even If since my dad died I've been scared of darkness, the thought of leaving my loved one always scared me more _(Derek's face is very pale and sweated. He blinks when the elevator starts to move).

Webber: it works… (they look at the light indicating the floors)

Man: of course it does… We'll see more tomorrow. Bye (he goes away. Richard and Bailey starts to walk down the corridor. Only a nurse is still standing in front of the doors. The elevator dings, the doors open to reveal a man in a big pool of blood. The nurse starts to scream frantically and hysterically. Even Meredith, Alex and Cristina can hear it loud and start to go up the stairs. Richard and Bailey run back to the elevator. When they realize why the nurse is screaming, look at all the blood painting the walls, they can't help taking their hands on their mouths. Bailey is frozen. It's Richard who reacts first ands steps into the elevator.

Richard: oh God…. Oh my God….. Derek…. (he lays two fingers on his throat) Hold on Derek… Hold on (he then looks at Bailey who is still frozen outside) I need your help Miranda, now (she kneels near Derek's head and takes his hand in hers) The pulse is weak. Derek… can you hear me? Just squeeze my hand if you can (he feels a quite imperceptible squeeze).

Bailey: oh God… he is awake

Richard: We need a gurney here! Someone pages Hunt! Now! (Cristina, Meredith and Alex are on the floor. Meredith feels a strange chill running down her spine when she sees a new crowd of people around the elevator. She comes forward all the people till she finds herself in front of the open doors. Richard is stroking Derek's forehead, Bailey is holding his hand. They both have tears in their eyes. Meredith starts to shake her head)

Meredith: no… no… noooo! (Cristina makes her way side to Meredith and takes a look inside the elevator)

Cristina: oh my God! What…. (Meredith is shaking violently) Mer… come with me (she looks catatonic) Mer .. please (she is crying too and tries to pull Meredith away. Meredith reacts pulling her arm away)

Meredith: let go of me! Let go of me! (Cristina does what asked and Meredith enters the elevator kneeling in front of Derek, in his blood. She takes his hand and squeezes it. She can feel a squeeze back. She touches his forehead. His skin is colder than ice and his eyes look distant) Der… please stay here. Stay here. With me (Alex arrives with the stretcher and lowers it to the ground level. Meredith seems not to see him)

Richard: Meredith… Meredith…. we need to go (she lets go of his hand and watches as Richard and two doctors she has never seen before prepare to lift Derek up) On my three. Slowly. One, two, three (they lift him on the gurney and move him quickly down the corridor. Meredith has leant to the wall looking at her hands and clothes dirty of Derek's blood. She is still in a haze. Cristina hugs her and takes her out of the elevator. They start walking down the corridor to the ER)

Derek is laying on the stretcher. He sees Richard's face upon him but he can't understand what he is saying. He closes his eyes.

_Leaving the people we love behind is difficult to bear. It's heartbreaking._

_So, even if sometimes breathing hurts like hell, we keep doing it._

_And hope that doctors can repair our injuries and heal us._

_That's why I became a surgeon._

_To try to help those who don't want to bend in front of death and all her friends._


	8. SINK OR SWIM

Going ahead.

I wanted to clear that I love Derek, he is my favourite.

I was just trying to follow GA path and doing something Shonda has not given us yet.

I don't know if she'll do it or not.

But that's why she is Shonda and we are just beginners...

Enjoy!

* * *

**Sink or swim**

_(Owen's voice over) _

_I survived a war and I was sure I could survive everything after it._

_(Teddy)_

_I survived the man I love picking another woman over me_

_(Cristina)_

_I survived the humiliation of my was-to-be husband leaving me on the altar_

_(Alex)_

_I survived seeing my wife coding in front of me_

_(Bailey)_

_I survived my husband's and son's surgeries._

_(Mark)_

_I survived to the worst betrayal I could do to my best friend._

_(Lexie)_

_I survived my Mum dying for a hiccups_

_(Derek)_

_I survived to have held the corpse of the woman I love in my arms_

_(Webber)_

_Sometimes it's just instinct who pushes you ahead._

_(Meredith)_

_It's a simple choice: sink or swim._

_When it was on me, I chose to sink._

* * *

Hunt bangs the ER doors followed by Teddy. He turns his pager off once again.

Owen: I am on leave since today. Who the hell is paging me? (they notice Bailey. She is leaning against the nurses station. They get closer and realize she is crying) Bailey… what… (she gestures him to go to the visit room. Teddy stays with her. Owen opens the door. He freezes there on the spot: all color draining from his face). Oh my God… what the hell happened to him? (he enters the room and put gloves on)

Webber: someone attacked him in the elevator

Owen: how long did he stay there?

Webber: I don't know.

Owen: move Karev (he pushes Alex away and with a rough gesture opens Derek's shirt shredding all buttons away. Even his underwear is covered in blood. Owen takes a scissor and cuts it away. Derek's wounds are exposed. Richard closes his eyes and backs off. Everyone seems to be in a haze. Only Owen is thinking straight. He bends on Derek and takes his cheeks between his hands) Derek…. Can you hear me? (Derek's eyes are open and after some wondering focus on him. He slightly lifts a hand from the sheet) I know it hurts and I'm afraid it's going to hurt even more but you are going to stay here, ok? You are not going anywhere (he takes a I.V. and sews it on Derek's skin, right near the throat. In the meanwhile Lexie and Mark enter the ER running)

Mark: we did the faster we could… What happened? (Teddy is still trying to comfort Bailey)

Teddy: I don't know. We were paged too and I found her like that. Owen went in there (both Lexie and Mark go to the glass. As Lexie realizes who is the guy bleeding on the gurney she starts sobbing. Mark enters the visit room like a robot. He can't take his eyes off Derek's blood covered body. He stands there doing nothing. Monitors starts to beep)

Alex: pressure is dropping

Hunt: he is losing too much blood (Derek's hold on Richard's hand tightens. He closes his eyes and his body starts to shake violently. Monitors beep even more frantically)

Alex: he is hyperventilating. Heartbeat is going on the roof.

Richard: Owen… what are you doing? (Hunt has taken a cart and he is filling a syringe)

Owen: I'm pushing potassium in

Mark: what? Are you out of your mind? Potassium will stop his heart!

Owen: no… pain will stop his heart if we don't do anything. So, if anybody's here has got a better idea, I'll do it (everyone is silent. Owen pushes Derek's face aside and inserts the needle directly in Derek's carotid. After some seconds vitals go back to normal and Derek opens his eyes again)

* * *

Arizona and Callie have just started their shift.

Callie is going around the department and sees a lot of sad faces. She is looking for her fellows attendings but is not able to find anyone. She enters a conference room where Arizona is reading a chart.

Callie: hey. You are here!

Arizona: sure I'm here. Where else should I be?

Callie: I was not able to find anyone.

Arizona: did you go checking why the elevators are off service?

Callie: no, but I guess Sheperd made some cut to maintenance.

Arizona: it's sad… all this people losing their job (when Callie wakes up she notices a nurse on the door)

Nurse: Excuse me sir….

Callie: yes nurse….

Arizona: Debbie….

Callie: Debbie…. sure

Nurse: I… we were wondering if you had some news…

Callie: news?

Arizona: you mean such as gossips?

Nurse: no, I mean…. (the nurse looks at the two doctors, at their relaxed faces and she gets) Oh God…. You don't know anything about what happened to the chief (smiles disappear from Arizona's and Callie's face. They immediately stand up)

Callie: what happened?

Nurse: he was attacked in the elevator by someone…. It's bad. There was blood everywhere…. I… I'm sorry (she leaves and the two doctors hurry to the ER)

* * *

In the visit room, Owen is still working on Derek. Richard is going to leave the room when he feels a grip on his hand. He turns around to see Derek staring at him. Sheperd takes the oxygen mask off his face and tries to speak

Derek: Mer…. (he swallows hard and clutches the iron side of his bed)

Richard: you don't have to talk Derek… (he tries to put the mask on his face again but Derek pushes his hand away. His voice is less than a breath)

Derek: look after her… (he tenses and the monitors start to beep again, he coughs blood)

Alex: The saturation level is too low. He is not breathing (Owen has taken a stethoscope and is testing Derek's lungs)

Owen: these stabs have pierced the right lung. There is blood in there. Lung is collapsing. Handle me a catheter Dr. Webber (Richard stares at Owen without doing anything) Dr. Webber!

Richard: you can't do that (Alex handles Owen what he required but Richard stops him). Hunt… for Christ sake, he is awake! You need to sedate him.

Owen: we have no time… (he swallows and looks at Derek) Derek… I know you can hear me. You remember I told you it'd have hurt? It is now. I'm going to insert this tube in your lung to let the blood flow away. Karev… (Alex looks frightened at him) You need to restrain his arms (Richard turns away and Alex keeps standing in the same place) Karev… please (Alex goes behind Derek's head and places his hands on Derek's forearms. He looks down) Are you ready? (Alex nods. Owen inserts the needle with a rough gesture in Derek's ribs. The pain is so acute that Derek tries to release his arms from Alex's grip. His eyes start to water heavily, he is panting in the mask. Blood start to drain from the tube). We are done, Shep… We are done.

Webber: let's run him to the CT (he covers Derek with a sheet and pushes the stretcher out. Both Lexie and Teddy go in the visit room. Mark is still standing at the same place he took when he entered the first time. He looks catatonic. Tears stream down his face. Owen has taken his gloves off. He looks at all the blood on the floor. He turns around and throws up).

* * *

Cristina has taken Meredith to a visit room. She has made her lay on a bed and she is laying with her. She spoons her the way Derek uses to do. She is stroking her hair and rubbing her back. She notices Bailey walking down the corridor and stands up to join her.

Cristina: Dr. Bailey? (Bailey turns around and Cristina can see the signs of all the tears she has cried) How is he doing?

Bailey: they have just moved him to the CT room. How is she doing?

Cristina: she does not cry. She does not speak. She is just staring dully in front of her. I don't know if I should sedate her or not…

Bailey: don't do it. We don't know if… maybe she'll have to…. (she closed her eyes and goes away)

* * *

Webber is in the CT control room. He tries to wipe tiredness away from his eyes. Bailey enters the room. Owen and Alex are with Derek.

Webber: you are here…

Bailey: it's the least I can do (Owen enters too. He presses the interphone button)

Owen: we are ready Karev (Alex nods and starts letting the stretcher in the CT. After some minute the screen shows the first images)

Bailey: Dear God…

Webber: the stomach is completely torn open.

Owen: it's not what is scaring me… (he points at a little spot on the screen)

Webber: what the hell is that?

Owen: I don't know. I would say the edge of a knife. And we missed that stab too (he lets his head fall behind)

Bailey: we need to page Altman. That stuff is close the aorta (Webber stands up)

Webber: go back with him. I need to inform Jennings and… (the emergency signal sounds)

Hunt: crap (he runs in the room followed by Bailey and Webber. Derek is almost out of the CT) He is coding. Take the crush cart, Karev (he starts making compressions. Derek's blood wets his hands. Karev comes back with the pads. He handles them to Hunt). Charge! (he gives Derek a first shock. There is no reaction) Again! Come on Derek… you can't do this to me (he gives another shock and the sound of the heartbeat comes back in the room. Bailey and Webber let out a breathe they do not know they were holding). He is not breathing. We need to intubate him (Alex's hands shake too much and Owen takes the tube. He pulls Derek's head backwards and insert the tube in his throat). Here we go… Book an OR, close all galleries. I wait the both of you with Teddy upstairs, ASAP. There is no more time left (he wheels Derek away)

* * *

Callie and Arizona enters the ER running. They notice Lexie looking into a room. They approach her.

Callie: Lexie! What's going on? Where is Webber?

Lexie: he is in the CT. We are waiting for news.

Arizona: how bad is it?

Lexie: I don't know. Hunt wheeled him away without telling anything. He was so pale… (she starts sobbing again) Who could do this to him? He is fair and loyal. He never harmed anyone in his life (Callie hugs her)

Callie: there are too many broken people, Lexie. Maybe someone fired in the merger, someone Webber cut out (Lexie pushes her away) What… (the door opens and Webber makes his way in the ER. Callie watches him and then Lexie. She looks for the first time in the visit room and sees Cristina hugging Meredith) Oh my God…. It's Sheperd…. (Webber is talking in his mobile. He hangs up just to meet all the them)

Lexie: how is he?

Webber: it's not looking good. Owen is bringing him in now. Dr. Bailey and Altman are already in. I have to join them. The two of you, please, manage the department. Take charge just of real emergencies. I've called Jennings and he's coming. Police will be here soon.

Lexie: Chief…

Webber: I am not the chief anymore Grey

Lexie: I'm sorry… What do I have to tell Meredith?

Webber: tell her…. I don't know (a tear rolls down his cheek) I need to go (Lexie looks up and then enters the visit room. She kneels in front of Meredith's eyes)

Lexie: Mer… (she is right in front of her but seems to be staring beyond her) Mer… please listen to me. Derek is in surgery now. We need to go upstairs. Mark is already there (she keeps being silent). Mer… please, get up. He needs you, he needs you now more than ever. You need to be there when he comes out. Dr. Yang… please (Cristina is crying too. She shakes Meredith's arm)

Cristina: Mer… she is right. We need to move upstairs. Come on… (she stands up but Meredith lies still). Mer… please. When you drowned he did not spend his time in a closet crying. He was with you all the time. And when the chief kicked him out, he sat on the floor till his ass became square. You need to do the same for him and for… you know. So get up or I'll kick you upstairs (Meredith wipes a tear away and stands up, leaves the door without noticing the sympathetic looks she is getting from all the nurses and doctors)

* * *

Owen and Webber are in the scrub room. They are washing their hands. Bailey and Teddy come in too. They all stop a moment to look beyond the glass where nurses are prep Derek for surgery. Richard turns around giving his back to the OR.

Richard: I can't do this… I'm sorry but I can't do this. Please, go ahead without me (he makes a step to the exit but Bailey stops his way) Bailey, I… (he tries to move around her but she moves to stops his way again)

Bailey: you are not backing off, sir.

Richard: I…

Bailey: you are not backing off. That guy saved your career three years ago. He saved your sight so that you could keep exercising the talent God gave you. He saved your career two months ago when he took your part with the board after you decided to drown yourself in scotch. And you never gave him anything, not a word, not a praise. And now he needs you. He is bleeding out. You saw that CT. When Owen does the first cut, we'll need hands in there. We are not going to make it without you. We could even not make it with you. But the least you can do is go in there and try to pay your dues. So I'm not going to give you way, you'll scrub in and you'll be the amazing surgeon Derek brought you back to be. And that's not a requirement. It's a call (she leaves the scrub room and enters the OR. She gets closer to the table Derek is lying on unconscious. She strokes his forehead and his hand)

Teddy: he would have made a great marine…

Owen: yes… she would have kicked a lot of asses… Let's get started…

* * *

Callie and Arizona are back to the floor. They walk in front of the open elevators and notice the contiguous area has been sealed. They look in the elevator and see the blood pooled on the floor and spraying the walls

Arizona: it's a butchery (Callie takes her eyes away just in time to see Mark entering the men's toilet. She follows him. Mark is sitting on the floor under a sink)

Callie: Mark… (she sits near him) I've just heard and I'm sorry. I f there is something I can do…. Please just tell me.

Mark: it's not fair…. This is senseless…. I… (he covers his eyes with his hands)

Callie: we have already talked about this. There is never sense in these things. They just happen.

Mark: no…. It was me who had to end stabbed by some crazy jealous husband or shot by some random woman. Not Derek. He is the golden guy, he has never hurt anyone in his life. Since he was a skinny kid …. and had his ass kicked to protect little girls. He prefers to suffer than having others suffer because of him. This can't be his reward…. I can't call his mum to tell her this… I can't tell her that her only son has been… just like his father. I just can't… (he lowers his head sobbing. Callie tries to comfort him. A nurse enters the bathroom and is embarrassed to break this moment. She clears her throat and Callie looks up)

Nurse: I'm sorry Dr. Torres… There are two ambulances on the way. Domestic accident. Two guys. Third degree burns. I was told to come and look for you.

Callie: I'm coming (the nurse leaves and Callie stands up pulling Mark to stand. She kisses him on the cheek)

Mark: I come with you.

Callie: Mark no… you have to stay here.

Mark: I can't. Please, Callie, please. Let me work with you. I'll be focused. I promise…

Callie: ok, let's go.

* * *

Avery, Reed and Charlie are entering the main hall. They notice cops in front of the elevator.

Reed: what's happening here? This place is swarming with cops…

Avery: maybe they are here for the guys hurt in the park (Their pagers start beeping) Crap… it's the ER

Reed: good way to start the day (they go to the ER and Callie is waiting for them. She handles them the yellow coats)

Callie: move… we don't have the whole day. Ambulances are on the way (they share an annoyed look and take the coats. Then follow Callie. They are standing in front of the doors when Reed sees Mark in a visit room. He is sitting in a chair and looks straight in front of him)

Reed: hey… is that Dr. Sloan? (the others follow her indication and they all see Mark. Even Callie)

Callie: wait here (she goes to the room but the guys follows her. When they reach the door they notice the mess in there, the blood and the disorder)

Charlie: looks like someone had some fun this night (they are walking around the room. Reed notices a bag and looks in)

Reed: oh my God! (Charlie and Avery gets closer to take a look in. In the bag there are two bloody knives)

Charlie: they're huge….

Avery: they're scary

Charlie: come on Avery, cheer up… We'll have a new corpse to practice on today (Mark glares at the guy. He stands up and before Callie can stop him he knocks him down with a punch)

Callie: Mark….. (he pulls him away) Calm down (Charlie is laying on the floor. He is trying to stand up but his legs don't seem to support him). It's not worth (she looks down at Charlie). What are you, all fucked in the brain? (Charlie is touching his nose which is bleeding badly)

Charlie: what…

Callie: shut up! Seriously, shut up…. The two of you, take care of him. Join us when you are ready (Reed and Avery share a look and then help Charlie to stand up)

Derek's surgery has started from a couple of hours.

* * *

Owen: crap…. I don't think I can repair this….

Teddy: what's the problem?

Owen: the laceration to the stomach is too wide. The acids have already aggressed the outstanding tissue. I can't find a way to sew and stop the bleeding. Stitches fail every time.

Richard: ok, let me do it (Owen looks up at him). Let me do it, Dr. Hunt. I've not grown old in an OR for anything (he takes the needle and starts to sew. They all look carefully to his hands. Richard breaths out). I'm done here (a stream of blood splashes high and dirties Teddy's glasses. Monitor starts to beep frantically).

Owen: what the hell….

Richard: it's not the stomach. There must be some bleed elsewhere… (Derek's body cavity is filling with blood. Monitors keep beeping).

Owen: more blood… give him more blood

Teddy: the heart is in distress (monitors start to beep continuously). He is coding…. Give me the paddles (the nurse handles her the paddles. Everyone makes a step back). Charge! Go!

Nurse: nothing…

Teddy: charge again! Go!

Nurse: still nothing… (Bailey takes the paddles from Teddy's hands)

Bailey: charge… (she sends Derek's heart another shock but the monitors keep beeping). Come on Derek, you must give me something here… Charge

Owen: Bailey…. I don't think this….. will work anymore (the silence of the OR is broken only by the horrible sound of the monitors beeping. Bailey looks up on her colleagues and realizes they have given up. She drops the paddles and starts to message Derek's heart with her bare hands)

Bailey: come on Derek… You are not going to die on me. You are not going to die today. You can't…. I saw you with Meredith all dovey dovey in the hall today. What will she do? This would break her. You have to fight, harder than this. You can do it. I know you can. You are too arrogant to die. Please… please…. (the heart monitor starts miraculously to beep. Bailey takes her hands away)

Nurse: we have a pulse…

Richard: let's go then…

* * *

Callie and Mark are at the visit room with both the patients they have just admitted. Mark is treating the burns of one guy while Callie is cleaning other's wounds)

Robert: excuse me, doctor… (Callie looks up at him) Could you move me into another room? I can stand to see his face anymore (the other guy rolls his eyes)

Pete: You are a pain in the ass, you know that?

Robert: shut up!

Pete: you keep acting like it was only my fault… It was our idea, not mine.

Robert: you insisted to do that… I knew it was a bad idea.

Pete: but you did it.

Callie: did what?

Robert: we tried to open the micro wave oven and….

Mark: invert the connections?

Pete: how do you know?

Mark: I did it that too. With my best friend. A lot of time ago.

Robert: did it work?

Mark: kind of… till his mum tried to heat her milk the morning after… She nearly blew up (he smiles remembering)

Pete: like we did (he sends an annoyed glare to his friend)

Robert: that's not the point Pete!

Pete: I guess you'll tell me what is then…

Robert: it's that you are never happy! You always want some more adrenaline, something more to open, to analyze. We are not freaking inventors! We can end up hurt or dead and, excuse me if I tell you, I don't think this is worth (they start to ignore each others. Mark pushes his chair away)

Mark: I'm done here. You can take him to his room Torres while I take care of our Einstein (Callie pushes the gurney out. She sees the three Mercy Westers in a corner but goes ahead. Avery is stitching up Charlie's forehead. Reed is sitting looking)

Charlie: what the hell did Sloan…. Ouch….be careful please!

Avery: Stay still…. I'd have punched you too. You could have saved that stupid remark.

Charlie: come on… it was a joke.

Reed: was it Charlie? It's not the first time you say stuff like that (She notices a cob sealing the visit room Sloan has punched Charlie in).

Reed: guys…

Avery: uhm….

Reed: I think something bad happened in there… (the two guys look up at her and then at the room. Reed stops a nurse passing by) Ann…

Nurse: yes doctor Reed?

Reed: what happened in there?

Nurse: there? (Reed gestures to the visit room and the nurse looks down to the floor). I guess it's the visit room they treated Sheperd in this night…

Avery: Sheperd as in Derek Sheperd?

Nurse: yes (they all look at her shocked). He is in surgery now. But it's not looking good.

Charlie: fuck…. I'm screwed….

* * *

Meredith is sitting outside the OR corridor. Cristina and Lexie are with her. They are sitting one on her left, one on her right. Which one of them holding her hand. Meredith's head is leaning against the wall, her eyes are closed. There are a lot of doctors and nurses waiting with them. Sometimes they take a look at Meredith)

Lexie: why is this taking so long? It's been 6 hours…

Cristina: long is good. It means everything is going fine.

Meredith: or he is dead and no one can find the nerve to come out and tell us.

Lexie: Mer…. It's going to be fine…

Meredith: how can you say it? How can you say that! (she stands up and gets free of their hands)

Cristina: Mer…. (Meredith runs into the bathroom. Lexie and Cristina follow her in)

Meredith: everybody out there is staring at me and smiling at me and saying it's going to be fine but…

Lexie: it is (Lexie makes a step to Meredith but Cristina stops her)

Meredith: it's not! If you had seen him when the damned door opened…. You'd not (she turns around and swallows through the sobs). He was cold and sweated and bleeding out. He could hardly breath and…. I am not sure he realized it was me squeezing his hand. He had to be in a excruciating pain…. He was so pale that…. (she closes her eyes like she is still living that scene in her mind)

Cristina: Mer… this is not good for you and …. (she shuts up realizing Lexie does not know. But it's too late. Lexie stares at her bewildered. Comprehension strikes her. She turns back to Meredith)

Lexie: oh God…. (she covers her mouth with her hand)

Meredith: what if he dies? What if he already has? He'll never know. He has been dreaming this all his life and…. I can't stand the thought of him dying without knowing he is going to be a Daddy (Meredith falls on her knees, shaken by sobs. Both Lexie and Cristina hug her) What will I do? I was not ready to raise a child with him… and now….

Cristina: it's going to be fine

* * *

Callie is going back to the visit room when Charlie appears in front of her. He has a big band-aid on his left brow. Avery and Reed are behind him.

Charlie: I'm sorry Dr. Torres . I didn't know what had happened to the Chief…. Had I known… (Callie looks at him offended, she shakes her head)

Torres: that's not the point.

Charlie: excuse me?

Torres: I really can't believe you don't get it… And you call yourself a doctor (Arizona is standing at the nurses station. The whole ER is silent and listening to Torres. Shame paints Charlie's face). Do you think the problem is that Sheperd almost died in there tonight and maybe is dying in an OR in this very moment? 'cause this is sure a great problem: he is a nice man who worked his ass for this hospital and gained all the support and the affection people is showing him now. He is fair and always available to anyone, including assholes like you. He has a family and colleagues, friends who love him and are working even now he could be dying because he taught us that the patient and the respect we owe to our patients comes before everything else. If he died…. It would be a difficult knock to stand. But that's not the problem here. The problem is that you proved once again that you don't give a crap about your patients. Dead or alive, they are just flesh to you.

Charlie: I….

Callie: Sheperd's situation bought you a blow. But your cynicism bought you this: you're fired (she moves ahead leaving Charlie stunned on the spot. He turns around calling her back)

Charlie: you can't do this…. You have no authority … (Callie comes back and stops an inch from his face)

Callie: I have…. And if you don't get the hell out of here, I swear I'll write such a bad report on you that every hospital on the east coast will close its doors on your face before you can even take a step in. Take your pick (she goes back into the visit room where Mark is treating the other guy. Sloan turns to look at her)

Mark: I could have not done better myself

Callie: he is an ass

Mark: but you rocked…. (he goes back to the patient)

Robert: I should choose better friends…. I am smart and nice. I could make better and harmless friends.

Mark: you can't pick friends. They just happen to you.

Robert: I love Pete, seriously. But he unleashes my imagination and I feel unbeatable when I'm with him.

Mark: you're young. You're bold. Things change then.

Robert: in better?

Mark: it depends on the points of view…. Pick me… I've never had a lot of friends. I was a shy kid. Nasty I should say. Always getting in trouble. I met a kid who was my opposite. Kind, sweet, easy.

Robert: the golden kid… (Callie smiles as she realizes Mark is talking about Derek)

Mark: that's the best definition…. We started to play together and we became inseparable. My parents died and I grew up with his family. But always getting in trouble. And putting him in trouble. I even broke his nose once…

Callie: that explains a lot of things….

Mark: and put his favorite frog in the oven too.

Robert: not so nice of you…

Mark: he always took me back. We attended primary, secondary, high school together. And then even med school and university.

Robert: just like brothers…

Mark: and then, this example, this perfect brother here screwed his wife in his marital bed (Robert looks up at him)

Robert: that's what I call …. screw

Mark: and you know what? It took a lot of time, but he took me back again (Mark looks at the guy in the eyes, he wheels his chair away and arranges a bandage on his wound). So, my point is…. Are you sure you want a single room? (he wakes up). There's nothing that counts more than friendship.

Robert: even if it finally ends? (Mark looks at him) I mean… you're not friends anymore, are you? You were sad while talking about him (Callie seems embarrassed and Mark keeps looking at the floor). What?

Mark: my best friend and I…. still are friends. The problem is that he could be dying while I'm here, chatting with you. He is a doctor here and he was badly hurt this night. He has always been the strong one… I'm kind of coward and I preferred to come down here working than staying upstairs waiting. But this ends now (he leaves the room)

* * *

Owen, Bailey, Richard and Teddy are scrubbing out. They all are silent.

Owen: he is barely alive… (Hunt puts his head under the cold water of the sink)

Teddy: and we could not take that fragment out.

Richard: what do you suggest?

Teddy: he is too weak to try another surgery. We have to wait.

Bailey: but it could move…

Teddy: yes… and it would be bad. By now we just can check on the blood pressure and wait. But I'm ready to hear other opinions if you want.

Owen: I think we should just wait and see if he survives the night and the next 24 hours (he throws his cap in the bin and goes out in the corridor)

Teddy: don't blame him. It was hard on him.

Bailey: on everybody and the worst part is too come. We should go out and inform Meredith (Richard swallows and nods. He exits the scrub room, Owen looks at him and follows him to the doors. Richard stops a second before going out. He sees Meredith and all the people waiting for news outside. He takes another deep breath and goes. His self confidence fails him when he is midway. But he sits near Meredith. She is looking up, some tear is rolling on her cheek. He clears his throat)

Meredith: just say it (his voice comes out a whisper)

Richard; it's bad Meredith. We have stopped the bleeding but the injuries were… are bad. We just can wait now. Next hours will be critical.

Meredith: is he dying, isn't he? (she looks directly in Richard's eyes and he looks away)

Richard: he is fighting (Meredith sniffles and goes back watching the ceiling) He is a fighter, Meredith. I've known him for years and he won't give up easily. He'd whatever to come back to you. You need…

Meredith: he told me he'd have not wanted to be alone. Once, he told me that, was he ever been in a coma, he'd have wanted his family near him.

Richard: you should call them

Meredith: I can't…. I need to go (she stands up and leaves. Alex is about to follow her but Cristina stops him)

Cristina: leave her some space. She'll come back.

Alex: Dr. Webber… can you tell us something more? (Richard looks at all the people and then at his hands)

Richard: I can't… (he stands up). Dr. Hunt, please inform them. Then, join me in Derek's office in half an hour. Police wants to talk to us (he walks down the corridor alone. Owen is still looking at him when notices Cristina is near him )

Cristina: Owen….

Owen: not here. Come with me (he enters a conference room followed by a lot of people. Lexie, Mark, Cristina, Alex, Avery, Bailey, Callie and Arizona)

Cristina: so?

Owen: as Webber said, it's not looking good. There were damages to a lung, spleen and stomach. Plus there is a wide hematoma near the spine and… a metallic fragment close to the aorta we could not remove.

Cristina: I don't understand…. What…. How….(Owen looks down, he clears his throat but speech fails him)

Bailey: he was hit by several stabs. Two to the chest, two pierced two ribs and damaged the spleen, the widest tore the stomach and one in the lower back (Mark hides his face and starts sobbing). I'm not talking to you as doctors here. I'm talking to you as friends and people who love Derek. You need to let him feel your affection, you need to show Meredith affection. God knows how much she'll need it. And pray (she leaves the room. Cristina is messaging her own temples)

Cristina: has he said anything? (Owen sits on a chair, he rakes his still wet hair. He shakes his head. Silence fills the room)

Alex: he said to take care of Meredith. It's… That's all he said.

* * *

_When life puts you to test, there is a lot of things you can do._

_(Meredith's voice over)_

_You can wait for it to pass _(Meredith lays in an on call room alone, she keeps a hand on her belly and seems to stroke it)

_(Arizona)_

_You can avoid the feeling keeping your mind busy differently (_Arizona is doing charts)

_(Callie)_

_You can find solace in helping friends making up _(Callie wheels Robert's bed into Pete's room)

(Bailey)

_But, finally, the truth is that each of us has a different thing that prevents from sinking down (Bailey and Richard are in front of Derek's bed. He is hooked up on too many tubes, a ventilator breaths for him, bandages cover his chest, monitors beep following his steady beat). _

_Faith._

_(Cristina)_

_Ambition_

_(Richard)_

_Will of redemption _

_(Derek)_

_Love_


	9. HEARTBREAKING REVERBERATIONS

Hi guys! I'm back...

It took me longer than expected but you'll see why: it was a long chapter and I wanted it to be fine.

I hope to be quicker next time... as, yes, I'm going on.

Enjoy and review!

**

* * *

****Heartbreaking reverberations**

_When you say something, you don't think that this could change your life forever._

(Charlie is taking his things out of his locker)

_You don't think either that your actions or non actions could do it. _

_But the fact is that sometimes, casually, life takes strange and unpredictable directions: so something you did with love and affection turns out to be meaningless to others, it ends up causing you trouble and pain. And it hurts even more because you did with such heart that, for you, it is written all other the sky _(the post it hangs on Meredith's and Derek's bed)

_Sometimes our actions are just like snowflakes._

_They fall light to the groud without making any noise._

_But flake after flake a little move is enought to have the avalanche begin its fall._

* * *

(Richard is walking to Derek's office in a haze. He feels glares on his back but his hard expression is enough to take everyone away. He finally enters the door and closes it behind his back. He takes a short look to the whole, Derek-y like room, and then lets himself fall on the couch. He covers his eyes with the hands and starts to breath in and out loudly. He feels like his head is in a balloon and someone is kicking it from inside out. His peace is short because after some minute Mr. Jennings and two men enter the same door).

Jennings: Richard... (Webber does not look up). I'm.... this is inspector Lewis and his assistant, Mr. Donald.

Man: Donner

Jennings: yeh... excuse me. They are taking charge of the investigations about... you know and would like to ask you and other employees some question.

Richard: Hunt should be here in a while

Lewis: is this your office?

Richard: no, it's Der... Dr. Sheperd's office.

Jennings: how is he doing?

Richard: holding on, but.... it's bad (Hunt knocks once and enters. He stills a moment on the door to look at Derek's desk. He can't help but remember their conversation the day before. Their condition seemed so different then: Derek was happy, his relationship with Meredith was going beautiful. His life... a mess. He rouses himself from his daydreaming and stops in the middle of the room waiting for instructions)

Lewis: so... everybody's here. We can start (he goes towards Derek's desk but, at the last moment, a kind of discretion and respect prevail and he sits on one of the chairs in front of the table. Hunt and Jennings sit near Webber). Ok... I want to point out this is just an informal and preliminary speech. We'll do more then (he takes a block notes and reads something turning the pages. He speaks without looking up). So I was told Dr. Sheperd was named Chief a short time ago...

Jennings: two months more or less.

Lewis: the reasons of the change? (Jennings stares a moment at Richard who keeps looking down)

Jennings: personal issues of the previous chief...

Lewis: did he resign or...

Jennings: we replaced him as a matter of course for a while.

Lewis: I guess he was not happy about it.... Do you think he could be our man? (Richard eyes go off high, Hunt's face is a grimace of disbelief)

Richard: that would be me...

Donner: oh.... Can you tell us where you were during the attack?

Hunt: what? Is this a joke?

Richard: it's fine... I was the doctor Bailey, another attending. We were discharging a patient.

Lewis: can she confirm it?

Richard: sure. I can page her even now if you want.

Donner: do it (a frown of surprise paints on Richard's face but he pages Miranda)

* * *

(Meredith is still laying in an on call room. She stares right in front of her. Cristina is on the door looking at her. She has had the impulse to talk to her sometimes but, finally, she has never found anything to say. Lexie joins her)

Lexie: how is she? Is she talking or... (Cristina closes the door and stands in front of it in the corridor)

Cristina: nothing. She is laying there and... nothing (Lexie lowers her voice)

Lexie: how long do you know she is pregnant?

Cristina: shot your big mouth up! Do you want the whole hospital to know? I know since yesterday and I don't think she knows it much longer.

Lexie: has she eaten something?

Cristina: no. She refuses to take her ass ouf of there.

Lexie: we must do something....

Cristina: I've tried but...

Lexie: I'll go grab something for her (she runs away and Cristina opens the door again: Meredith is in the same position they left her before)

* * *

(Alex enters the locker room. Avery and Reed are sitting silently on the bench while Charlie is taking his belongings out of the locker)

Alex: hey (anyone answers). What are you doing?

Charlia: Taking my things out of here.

Alex: I got that. Why? (Charlie breaths out without answering back)

Reed: Torres fired him.

Alex: what?

Avery: Torres fir...

Alex: I'm not an idiot. I can still understand a three words sentence. Why?

Charlie: I said a really stupid thing, Sloan knocked me down. That's it.

Reed: maybe he could try to talk to her. They are friends.

Avery: I don't think it's a good idea (Charlie closes the locker)

Charlie: it's not (He leaves the room. Reed stands up to follow him after some second but Avery stops her)

Reed: we can't let him go like this.

Avery: we can and we are doing it. He has always been a silly guy and this time he won the first prize.

Reed: have you seen April? It's two days I don't see her.

Alex: she was in the hallway before. She looked kind of freaked out.

Avery: everyone does. This looks like a nightmare (Alex has sit on a bench and is rubbing his temples). Are you ok?

Alex: sure... Yesterday morning I was having breakfast with Sheperd and now he is almost dead. I can't believe this is real. He had just told me to look after Meredith, not to leave her home alone. It seems like it's not her who needed to be protected....

Avery: do you think he was afraid of something? (Alex lifts his palms as confirm without saying anything else)

Reed: you should report it.

Alex: I don't even know if he was really afraid of something or if he was just hovering....

Avery: let the cops decide it (Avery's and Reed's pager start beeping)

Reed: it's the ER (they stand up and leave the room)

* * *

April is standing out of Derek's room. The blinds are off but she can hear the sounds of the monitors inside. She's crying and her hands are shaking. She puts them into her pockets.

Her body is tensed, ready to jump in if the monitor skipped a beat. But, second after second, the heart beat beep keeps going on. She looks at the door knob every now and then, as if she wanted to enter and lay there with him. Nobody would notice her absence.

Suddenly she takes a hand from her pocket and starts eating her nails nervously: a clear remember of Mr. Greene's face enters her mind. She has seen cops before and has risisted the temptation to go to them and tell the truth. But she has realized that she would put an end to her carreer: and she did not want to leave Dr. Sheperd. Ever.

* * *

Mark is walking up and down the hall. He keeps staring at his watch when he hears a voice calling his name. He turns around to find Derek's mum walking fast to him. She throws her arms around him and he realizes she is already crying.

Mark: Mrs. Sheperd... (he hugs her and rubs her back. He sees Derek's sisters standing right in front of him)

Nancy: what the hell happened? A car crash? You told nothing on the phone... How is he doing? (he lets go of Derek's mum and lead them all to a recess)

Katherine: we are waiting here, Mark.... (he sits with Mrs. Sheperd holding her hand and staring at them all. He swallows hard trying to find the words which don't want to come)

Mark: he hadn't an accident. It was.... (he looks at Mrs. Sheperd's eyes. They are so similar to Derek's that Mark's heart skips a bit) he was... (Nancy shrugs) hurt by someone...

Amelia: what does this mean? Oh my God... was he shot?

Mark: no... stabbed (he says the word like it was peeling off his tongue's skin. Horror paint on all women's faces). I'd like to tell you something more but we don't have a clue right now. I just called you to come here...

Mrs. Sheperd: I want to see him....

Mark: ok... let's go (he helps Mrs. Sheperd standing up and move to the elevators)

* * *

(Bailey knocks and enters the chief's office. She is surprised to see all that people in)

Lewis: hi Dr. Bailey. I'm Lewis, Seattle Police Department. We were making some questions to Dr. Hunt and Webber and we needed your help.

Bailey: sure...

Donner: do you know where Dr. Webber was in the time period Dr. Sheperd was attacked? (the same surprise which had painted Owen's face makes her way on Bailey's too)

Hunt: he is not kidding... Tell him.

Bailey: he was with me in the department. We were discharging Mrs. Carlson.

Lewis: are you sure?

Bailey: yes...

Lewis: ok... we can go ahaed now. No offence Dr. Webber...

Webber: none taken.

Donner: do you know is someone hold grudge to Dr. Sheperd? I don't know... some patient or patient's relative?

Webber: he takes care of a lot of patients. I should read his files to know...

Donner: do it... And his personal life? Does he have a wife or a girilfriend?

Webber: he is married. And faithful. You won't find anything there....

Donner: so you're saying he was...

Bailey: he IS...

Donner: sorry.... is the good guy type?

Webber: I'd swear on this.

Lewis: ok… if that's all… (he stands up and turns around)

Bailey: to tell the truth there was quiete a situation going on... (Lewis turns around and both Hunt and Webber look at her stunned)

Donner: situation? Explain yourself (Bailey speaks keeping her eyes low)

Bailey: a resident was... stalking him (Richard and Owen are even more bewildered)

Lewis: that's something... Go on...

Bailey: she has a crush on him. A huge crash. She stole things from his office, his home kyes. He also suspected she went to his place but... he had no evidence.

Lewis: does she still work here?

Bailey: yes (every word comes out difficult. Hunt shakes his head)

Lewis: is there something wrong Dr. Hunt?

Hunt: no... it's just... do you really think a woman could have done such a butchery?

Donner: I have seen women in my life doing even worse with a knife (someone knocks and another officer appears at the door)

Man: excuse me sir...

Lewis: yes?

Man: we need your presence upstairs.

Lewis: I'll come later.

Man: no sir. Now. It's really important (Lewis nods and goes out followed by Donner).

Richard: what the hell is this story, Miranda?

Bailey: I'm sorry... I thought it could be important to say it....

Richard: it is.... but why I don't know anything about it? (his voice is raising. Miranda stands up angry but Jennings comes between the two of them)

Jennings: I know that you are stressed and scared and worried but I don't think that discussing will make things better (Richard sits again and Jennings with him). I think we should talk about the position, Richard.

Richard: I don't care about it right now.

Jennings: I don't know Sheperd that much. But this is stressing to me too. I understand...

Richard: no, you don't. Do you want to? Have a walk in the corridors, talk to nurses and doctors and patients. It will take you five minutes to know who Derek Sheperd is. I need to drink something... (he stands up)

Hunt: Webber...

Richard: water... just water (he stands up and pours himself a glass of water).

* * *

(Arizona enters the ER and finds Callie laying on a stretcher. She awakes her with a kiss on the cheek)

Arizona: morning beautiful... (Callie open her eyes confuse). Or better good afternoon....

Callie: afternoon.... what time is it?

Alizona: almost 18.00 ...

Callie: crap.... I fell asleep....

Arizona: how could you not? You are on call since.... I can't remember when (Callie stands up and stretches her arms and then her back)

Callie: 31 hours (she stops abruptly). Sheperd?

Arizona: still the same... (they walk through the corridor till they hear an ambulance coming). That's my case... that's what I woke you up for.

Callie: oh...

Arizona: grab a coffee. I go to take him (Arizona exits the doors and Callie makes her way to the coffee machine. She keeps stretching her neck and arms. Reed and Avery comes in)

Avery: Dr. Torres... we were paged here...

Callie: I don't know why. Look around (she goes ahead)

Avery: she looks like crap...

Reed: and smells like crap too

Avery: do you want to be fired too?

Reed: no thanks... Anyway she has a right on it: she must be here from a lot of time (they finally arrive to the nurses station where they find Teddy)

Avery: did you page us Dr. Altman?

Teddy: yes... I have a boy coming in with heart distress. Do you want in?

Avery: sure

Teddy: ok... (she smiles brightly at them and go back to her chart). You can prep visit room 4 then (Reed and Avery go away)

* * *

Cristina is still standing outside the OC room. Lexie appears with a tray in her hands. Without saying anything, Cristina opens the door and lets her in. She goes in as well and then closes the door. Lexie has sit on the bed, near Meredith, she has started stroking her hair.

Lexie: Mer...

Meredith: uhm...

Lexie: you should eat something

Meredith: I can't... My stomach is in knots

Lexie: it's normal. But you should try... I bought you a sandwich (she lifts the bag from the tray and makes a disgusted face): jam and salad, your favourite.

Cristina: I don't get like you like that crap...

Lexie: some fruit...

Cristina: she is not a Health Nut

Lexie: and.... tatan! Surprise.... A chocolate bar.... So.... Where do you want to start from? (Meredith turns on the other side giving her back to them. Lexie let her hands fall defeated)

Cristina: ok.... enough Meredith. You can even want to starve but... think of the baby (Meredith flinches). McPeanut (Lexie turns to look at her stunned) What? She called her that! I was saying McPeanut needs to eat to become a Coconut. So eat...(she takes the sandwich and lets it falls in front of Meredith's nose. After some second Meredith moves, she lifts sitting. She stares at the sandwich in her hands. She opens the bag: the smell pricks her nostrils and nausea rises to her throat. But then she takes it out and takes a little bite. She starts chewing with more energy)

Cristina: Good... (there is a heavy silence in the room)

Meredith: is his mum here?

Cristina: I have not seen them...

Lexie: Mark told me they were supposed to arrive in the late morning. So I think it's some hours they're here.

Meredith: hours? What's the time?

Cristina: it's almost 20 Mer...

Meredith: 20? I should go home. It's late (she stands up and makes some step to the door. Both Cristina and Lexie look at her)

Cristina: home? Meredith... you should go to Derek...

Meredith: his mum and his perfect, freaking sisters are here. They are with him. And I need to go home.

Lexie: I'll come with you. My shift has just ended (they go out and leave Cristina alone)

* * *

Derek's mum is sitting in a chair besides his son's bed. She is holding his still, cold hand. She strokes his hair sometimes, some tear is rolling down her cheeks. Her son features are peaceful; if it was not for the ventilator and all the hooks and tubes sneaking out his body, she could swear he is sleeping.

Only the monitors beeping breaks the silence of the room. Mark is standing outside the door with Derek's sisters.

Nancy: where is she?

Katherine: who are you talking about, Nance?

Nancy: the slutty intern

Katherine: don't call her that...

Nancy: why? He is in there dying and she hasn't found the time to even show up.

Mark: she has been here the whole night. I guess her friends have driven her home to have a shower.

Nancy: sure.... (she goes back looking in the room) Jesus.... I can't believe this happened to him.

Katherine: I think you are not the only one in denial.

Nancy: what do you mean?

Katherine: to all the people who are throwing sympathetic looks at us. It's clear that a lot of people love Derek down here.

Amelia: yeh... the usual bunch of idiots who can't resist his charm

Mark: ehi... it's your brother you're talking about.

Amelia: that I know.... Don't give me lectures on respecting my brother.... (she makes some step down the corridor) Where the hell is Webber? I haven't seen him the whole day...

Nancy: maybe he's holding the slutty intern's hand. Derek told me he had an affair with her mother. It's a family fault to sleep with married men.

Katherine: you are harsh. And wretched.

* * *

Bailey, Hunt, Webber and Jennings are still in Derek's office. They have been in there for hours.

Bailey: do we have to wait here forever?

Hunt: he told us to wait.

Bailey: two hours ago. I had to check on Derek.

Hunt: Teddy did it. And will be doing it (the open doors and Lewis and Donner enter. Webber notices the two cobs have a serious look. Lewis is holding something in his hands and Donner seems to be holding a videorecorder. They make some step into the room just to stop in front of them all. Lewis clears his voice)

Lewis: it's not a woman

Webber: how can you say it? (the two officers look at each other. It's Donner who speaks).

Donner: after the merger your internal security staff was informed about problems and tensions rising between the co-workers. Stupid stuff like little thefts, spites. But, with the authorization of Mr. Falk..

Jennings: from the Board?

Donner: yeah... they installed security cameras in some strategic spots.

Lewis: and that elevator was one of them.

Hunt: wait... (he passes his hand on his eyes in a nervous gesture) Do you mean that the camera has filmed the whole scene?

Lewis: yes... Unfortunately, from the camera perspective, we can't see the attacker's face. But we can say for sure it's not a woman.

Bailey: so... what... ?

Donner: we need your help. You should make a list of all the people who could have had interest and reasons to harm Dr. Sheperd.

Webber: this is not so difficult to do. Derek had not... has not personal enemies. All I can think about is something work relied. Maybe some old patient or relative.... but even this.... is unreasonable.

Lewis: people can be sick Dr. Webber. Not necessarily the harm they get, if they ever got one, can be compared to the offense they do. But I would search in real cases by now.

Richard: all Derek's files are in there. You can take a look at them. Even now.

Lewis: I can but.... I am not very medicine oriented and it would take me weeks to understand a tenth of what it's reported in there. And believe me, we don't have so much time.

Donner: usually these kinds of things find a solution in 4-5 days when the track is still warm. I'd really appreciate your help.

Richard: ok....

* * *

Arizona and Callie are taking care of their patient. A 14 years old. He has been admitted for a fall during the gym lesson at school.

Greg: I hate soccer! I told my teacher I did not want to play. The others become fools while playing and kick everywhere but the ball. It's a miracle I have just broken my leg.

Arizona: Greg... slow down... we don't know if it's broken for sure

Callie: even if it's very likely. Why do you play soccer anyway? It's not a real sport

Arizona: what?

Callie: I don't call a sport a trick when you have to kick the ball instead of grabbing it. It's kind of.... girly game.

Greg: thank you

Callie: why?

Greg: if I end up here playing a girly game, I don't want to know what would be of me in a manly one

Arizona: smart...

Callie: ok brave heart... let's go to take X-Rays

* * *

Teddy, Reed and Avery finally join their patient room. The boy has a wide baseball cap on his head and they can hardly see his face.

Teddy: good evening Mr..... Doe (the boy raises his head and Avery stops in his tracks)

Avery: holy crap.... (Teddy turns to look at him)

Teddy: is there a problem Dr. Avery?

Avery: no.... he is Michael Waits.

Teddy: no, it's Doe in the chart. You must have taken him for...

Boy: he is right (Teddy stares at him). I gave a false name for the admission.

Teddy: why? I don't get it...

Avery: as he is the coolest quarterback Seattle football team has ever had.

Michael: and I didn't want press to know I was here

Teddy: ok... we'll respect your privacy. So.... are your medical history true or you cheated even in there?

Michael: it's true. I came here as, sometimes, after the training sessions, I have heavy pains in my chest. I told my coach but he has always dismissed me telling I was a coward. But it hurts and after today's session I decided to come here.

Teddy: we'll run some test (she starts writing) Blood, urines and then ECG at rest and under effort. Even if, with all the controls you make at NFL, I am not confident we'll find something. I leave you with my team (she smiles and goes away. She takes the elevator to the intensive care unit floor. She exits the doors and takes a corridor. She sees Mark out of Derek's room) Hey…

Mark: hey… are you still here?

Teddy: to tell the truth my shift started 3 hours ago (she looks in the room) I have to check on him but I can come back later if she wants…

Mark: no, just do it. She won't leave that soon.

Teddy: is she his mom?

Mark: yeah… mine too (he opens the door for her and they both go in. Mrs. Sheperd is stroking her thumb on Derek's backhand. She turns around to see the two doctors coming to the bed. She wipes some tear away)

Mrs. Sheperd: I'm sorry (she is stroking her eyes)

Mark: what for? You don't need to hide tears…. This is Dr. Altman, Teddy, she is the person in charge of checking on him.

Mrs. Sheperd: and your friend (she stands up and stretches her hand) Nice to meet you. I hadn't met you on my previous visit.

Teddy: no… I've been working here for three months (she feels Derek's mum grip on her hand. It's firm but gentle at the same time, warm and polite. She smiles and then lets go of her hand). Excuse me (she approaches the machines in the corner of the room. She presses a button and a print comes out of the equipment. A little frown appears on her forehead)

Mrs. Sheperd: what's wrong? (Teddy turns on her heels)

Teddy: excuse me?

Mrs. Sheperd: I've been a nurse for 30 years and, no offence, I've learnt to read doctors's expressions. Yours means troubles.

Teddy: no… don't worry. The pressure is a bit high but we can fix it (she opens the chart and writes some note). I'll come back later with a nurse (she turns around and leaves. Right after the corner she exhales heavily and shakes her head)

* * *

(Meredith is in her bed awake. She is wearing Derek's shirt and her right arm is spread to the place he usually sleeps in. Lexie knocks and enters the room)

Lexie: you're awake…. I just wanted to see if you needed anything…. Good night then (she is going out when Meredith calls her back)

Meredith: stay here… sleep here with me. Please…. (Lexie closes the door and approaches the bed from Derek's side). No! (Lexie stops thinking Meredith has changed her mind) This side. I don't want the bed to lose his shape… his warmth…. His scent….. (Meredith hugs Derek's pillow and Lexie lays with her)

* * *

(It's late night and Richard, Bailey and Hunt are still in Derek's office. They have analyzed all the files of Derek's patients. They all look exhausted).

Lewis: so?

Webber: I have found just one name. Greene. It's the most recent one. His wife died here ten days ago (he handles him the file)

Lewis: but it's not one of his cases

Webber: it's mine. But it was Derek who told Mr. Greene we had to take her off the ventilator.

Lewis: you don't seem so sure…

Webber: it's just… He is a middle aged man, he was upset but not a psyco murderer. I can't see any of these people doing something like that.

Lewis: Dr. Hunt?

Hunt: nothing here (he has a high pile of files in front of him)

Lewis: Dr. Bailey?

Bailey: only one. Jen's husband. Six months ago.

Donner: Sheperd's case?

Bailey: yes

Donner: was he the only one working on it? (Bailey scans the chart)

Bailey: Meredith, Karev and Addison worked on it too (the cop looks at her waiting for explanations) Addison is his ex wife. She leaves in LA. Alex is a resident here and his roommate. Meredith is his wife.

Lewis: we'll ask Karev.

Hunt: what? (Lewis inhales deeply)

Lewis: the only thing we have is the tape. You have seen these people. You are the only one who could recognize them.

Bailey: I don't understand… (Hunt sits on the couch raking his hand in his hair)

Lewis: I know it's the most cruel thing I could ask you… but I have. You should watch the tape. You and this Karev…

Bailey: you can't ask us this (tears start pooling in the corner of her eyes)

Donner: I'm sorry but it's the only way. Think about it (we'll meet here tomorrow morning).

* * *

_It rolls… (night becomes soon morning and the sun shines high in Seattle's sky)_

* * *

Webber is waiting in a conference room near the resident's locker room. He notices Cristina and Karev passing out of the door. He immediately stands up and goes after them

Webber: Dr. Karev…. (they both turn around)

Alex: yes sir?

Webber: I need you… (Alex looks down and opens his arms)

Alex: I have to change but I'll be ready…

Webber: no, it doesn't matter you change into your scrubs. It's not necessary (he gestures Alex to follow him)

Cristina: is there something wrong?

Webber: it's fine… everything is fine (he starts to walk down the corridors and Alex follows him without asking. A frown paints his face when he realizes they are going to the chief's office)

Alex: what…?

Webber: go in, I'll tell you (Alex enters and sees Hunt and Bailey are in the room too. There are also two other people) These are SGPD cops… We need your help and I want you to know this is not going to be easy on you.

Bailey: it's not easy on us too…

Alex: ok….

Owen: it seems that there was a camera in the elevator. We have isolated some people who could have it in for Derek

Bailey: one of these people is Jen's husband. You were on that case so…. (Alex nods without saying anything)

Lewis: we are ready…. (Alex sits on the couch with the other doctors) I know you are doctors and you are trained to face a lot of situations but…. I think it's better I tell you that images are really cruel and…. You can say stop if you want (he moves to a chair, the remote in his hand. He pushes the play button and images tune. The elevator's door open to reveal a smirking Derek. He has a moment of hesitation before going in. It looks like he is staring at something strange. Then he enters. Door close and he takes the cell from his pocket. Then suddenly looks up abruptly and a man attacks him from behind. The man closes an arm around his neck and the image pauses right before the knife enters Derek's back)

Hunt: that coward, son of the bitch attacked him behind his back… (Bailey has stated to cry and Webber keeps swallowing)

Lewis: so…. What can you tell me?

Alex: it's not Jen's husband… he was shorter than me…. That man (he points to the TV) is too high to be him…

Donner: are you sure?

Alex: yes… I'm pretty sure

Hunt: it's weird….

Lewis: what?

Hunt: he did not seem scared or surprised when he saw the person in the elevator. He also turned his back to him. It can't be a person he was afraid of.

Bailey: maybe he didn't think he could be capable of doing this…

Donner: what do you tell me about the other suspect…. Mr. Greene?

Webber: I don't know….. From the height it could be him. Or not. I really don't know (doctors seem upset and the two cops look at each other)

Lewis: can we…. do you feel to go on? (even if they don't answer, after some minute he resumes the video. The doctors flinch for the violence radiating from the screen. They watch horrified when Derek, laying on the elevator floor, rips the knife off his own stomach. He curls up on himself till the attacker kicks him and has him roll on his back. Bailey is shaking and suddenly stands up)

Bailey: I can't do this anymore….. I….I'm sorry (she leaves the room. The cop stops the images. The tv shows the unknown man kneeled on Derek)

* * *

Teddy, Avery and Reed enters Michael's room.

Teddy: good morning Mr. Doe…. How did the night go?

Michael: good…. A nurse has awaken me at 4, another at 5, the last one at 6.

Avery: didn't you know that hospital is the last place on earth you can sleep well?

Michael: no… but thanks for telling me…. So? Did you find something?

Teddy: no… Doctor Reed…

Reed: I have just picked your exams from laboratory. Blood and urines tests are fine.

Michael: you look surprised…

Teddy: I am indeed. I expected to find some strange parameter but…. Nothing.

Michael: sorry to fail you…. (Teddy sits on the side of his bed)

Teddy: I want to be franc to you…. I'm tired and I don't want to waste my time… Have you ever made use of drugs or pills or… whatever?

Michael: what? Are you kidding, aren't you?

Teddy: do I look like I'm doing?

Michael: no… And no! I'm a pro. And I'm a natural. I don't need to pump my muscles with crap to be an champ. Maybe it was a mistake to come here… (he throws the sheet away. Teddy stops him)

Teddy: no… you did good. I just wanted to be sure… (she handles his chart to Avery) Go on with the ECG….

Avery: it seems we are going to see you in action….

Michael: you won't forget it…

* * *

Callie is sitting in a dark room. Arizona enters with a big envelop.

Arizona: here I am…

Callie: well…. I can't stand that boy anymore. He can't do anything but talking…. (Arizona laughs and takes the scans out of the envelop. She puts them on a screen and turns the light on. Smile immediately disappears) Oh my God… Look at those bones…. They are like…

Arizona: Gruyere.

Callie: I've never seen such an advanced osteoporosis in a kid….

Arizona: he must be in a lot of pain…. How is it possible he never realized…. (a nurse enters the room)

Nurse: excuse me. Greg's parents are here

Callie: thank you (the nurse leaves the room and they keep staring at the scans)

* * *

Meredith is crossing the hall. Cristina sees and joins her.

Cristina: hey

Meredith: hi (they are in front of the elevator. The doors open and they go in. Meredith pushes the button of the surgery floor. Halfway, Cristina realizes she is shaking and sobbing)

Cristina: Mer… (she hugs her rubbing her back)

Meredith: I used to love elevators before… It's the first place we shared a real kiss, it's where we used to talk, it's where he proposed and I said yes…. But know….. I can't stand staying in here (she starts hyperventilating)

Cristina: Mer.. you need to calm down…. Breath….. Slow…… In and out (Meredith seems to calm down)

Meredith: Cristina….

Cristina: mmmm?

Meredith: I'm not giving birth

Cristina: I was just trying to be useful… I've never been that great in the supporting thing…..

Meredith: you are doing great…. And you can let go of me now

Cristina: oh… (she lets Meredith)

Meredith: have you seen Bailey?

Cristina: no…. and even not Webber. Why?

Meredith: I just wanted to ask some day off. Officially.

Cristina: it's a good idea. Are you going to see Derek? (Meredith does not answer) Meredith?

Meredith: I need to find Bailey

* * *

Lexie has joined Derek's room. She looks inside and sees that anybody is in. She opens the door and enters. She feels stifled by the silence filling the room. The monitors beep seems stranger and enemy. She gets closer, her knee can touch Derek's bed. She has to breath out loudly when she notices all the tubes and hooks coming out of Derek's body. This all feels so unreal that she can swear that, opening her eyes, everything will disappear, Derek will open his eyes and take fun of her. She tries…. But finally Derek is still asleep and a tear escapes her eyes. She sits down, she keeps staring at him but sorrow crushes her soul and she can't even speak. Finally she clears her throat.

Lexie: Derek?..... I'm Lexie….. I'm…. Lexie Grey…. (she hits her forehead) Crap, Lexie…. You are such an idiot! He knows who the hell you are and…. You're rambling… so stop and….try again. Derek… I'm Lexie and I'm here right beside you (she takes his limp hand from the sheet and squeezes it). I know that you can hear me… Maybe you can…. Do you remember the first time we met? I was at Joe's and I tried to pick you up… You said no…. And then the day after I got you were my sister's boyfriend… I was lucky you dismissed me…. She loved you so much and still does… I have never seen Meredith so happy than in the last weeks… not that I know her much longer. We have bound…. Thanks to you…. Don't you think I ignore you played a great role in that… She gave me a second occasion because you pushed her too and I'll always be grateful for that…. I'm sorry I disappointed you with Mark's thing…. I know he had promised you but…. I'm happy he broke it…. The promise I mean…. Not your face…. That, the fighting and almost killing one the other was not good. Not at all. You made up now… Mark will be your children's godfather one day…. I know you are tired but, seriously, you need to come back here. To Meredith and…. Us. You need to do it. Now (Lexie hears someone coughing and sees a stranger woman staring at her from the door)

Katherine: excuse me but…. Who are you? (Lexie is speechless, she puts Derek's hand down and stands up. When she finds herself in front of the woman, Mark enters the door)

Mark: Lexie… (he kisses her) Katherine…. This is Lexie, my girlfriend. Lexie… Katherine is one of Derek's sisters

Lexie: hi (Nancy has joined them too)

Nancy: girlfriend? (the three of them turn to look at her). Seattle's air has screwed yours and Derek's brain….

* * *

(Mr. Lewis comes back in the office. A thick silence is hovering in the room. He is a an unshakable man but he can't help to feel compassion for the three doctors in front of him. He pats Webber shoulder and is going to speak when his cell rings. He exhales and picks the phone up)

Lewis: Lewis…. Uhmmm… uhmmm. Are you sure? Another waterhole then… Ok… We'll cancel him from suspects. Bye Donner, good work (he hangs up and looks at them all). Mr. Greene has a alibi. He was here, in the hospital, in a rehab problem. My men went to check: the doctor who took him in charge confirmed he stayed there from 2 to 19. He can't be our man

(Hunt breaths out heavily)

Hunt: was there anything else strange in the video?

Lewis: yes… there were some spots who caught our attention but we were not able to understand them

Hunt: do you want us to try to do it?

Lewis: if you feel up…. (Alex stands up wetting his sweated hands on his pants)

Alex: I don't…. I'm sorry….. I'm going to see Meredith tonight and I'm not sure I'll be able to look her in the eyes after this (he points to the tv). I can't…. (he leaves the room)

Webber: keep going (Lewis turns the tv on. The image is still at the spot they left)

Lewis: it's going to be even….

Webber: I said go

Lewis: ok… (he resumes the tape. The camera is behind the attacker's back. Derek's lips move and the man keeps him from the collar, he slams him violently back on the floor and seeing Derek so unarmed and defenceless takes the air out of Richard's lungs)

Hunt: stop… (Lewis stops the registration). Derek has said something to him. Something like do not hurt her or touch her.

Lewis: how do you know?

Hunt: I have seen a lot of these things… in Iraq. I can read people's labial. He has told him and this has turned the attacker even more aggressive.

Webber: do you think she was talking about Meredith?

Hunt: who else?

Lewis: so… are you suggesting that we should look in his wife's life? (they don't answer….) Ok…. There was something else worth of interest… Look (he resumed the video and stops it after ten seconds). He has shown him something before hitting him again. But I don't have a clue of what it could be.

Webber: it looks like a headed hospital paper…

Lewis: yes… but this does not mean anything… (he lifts a block notes with the same logo)

Webber: it does not seem the usual logo to me.

Lewis: are you sure?

Webber: yes

Lewis: It'd be vital for us to know what that page was about…

Webber: I just can't remember it now.

Lewis: maybe you will after a good sleep. You deserve it. And me too. Let's go home (he stands but notices that Webber's and Owen's looks are fix on the screen) I advise you against going ahead but… (he leaves the remote on the couch and leaves the room. Webber takes the remote, his eyes lock for a moment with Owen's and then he pushes the button. They look at the stranger exposing Derek's body to take aim, they look at Sheperd closing his eyes waiting for the man to lower the knife on him again and again. Tears stream their faces while staring powerless to the stranger attacking furiously a defenceless man)

* * *

Michael is running on a running carpet. There are sensors on his chest.

Avery: wow…. You're not even sweating….

Michael: it's my job and this looks like a promenade (Teddy enters the room)

Teddy: hei… how is it going?

Reed: we are almost done. 1 minute to go (Teddy approaches the machine and looks at the values)

Teddy: everything looks normal… but

Reed: but? (the carpet speed has decreased, Michael is walking)

Teddy: I… here… (she looks up to see the guy clutching a hand on his chest) Are you ok?

Michael: it hurts…. (Teddy brings him to the stretcher)

Teddy: lay down (she takes the stethoscope and listens to his heart beat) Here it is….

Avery: what?

Teddy: a murmur… a huge one.

Avery: it's impossible… He could not be a pro with a heart murmur

Michael: is it bad?

Teddy: it is as you are a player… I just can't understand why anyone ever noticed anything…. Are you not tested?

Michael: every season… and we make visits also for sports insurance.

Teddy: oh…

Michael: what?

Teddy: do you take care personally of this?

Michael: no, my agent does.

Teddy: I think it's time you tell him you are here. And he gives us some explanations.

* * *

Greg's mum: I don't understand…. You told us he had a fractured leg and now… (his husband takes her hand)

Callie: we did not expect to find this. But X-Rays revealed it.

Arizona: his medical history did not let us foresee anything like osteoporosis.

Callie: I'm even surprised he has never complained about pain…

Greg's dad: he has but…. How could we know?

Callie: you couldn't. The most important thing now is treat him in the best possible way.

Greg's mum: what do you mean?

Arizona: osteoporosis is a degenerative illness. We have to start immediately to stop it.

Callie: there will be many things he could not do anymore. Playing soccer… gymnastics… It will be hard, he is just 14. He will need your support. We have to go and tell him now.

* * *

Meredith spots Bailey in a patient's room. She waits for her outside.

Meredith: Dr. Bailey…..

Bailey: Meredith…. (she rubs her arm in a tender gesture noticing how tired and upset Meredith is). What can I do for you?

Meredith: I just wanted to take some day off but I don't know who I have to ask and…

Bailey: I don't know it even… but don't worry about this. I'll fix things (Meredith notices Bailey can't stand her look). I saw all Derek's family is here.

Meredith: yes…(she looks down and kicks the air)

Bailey: but you haven't met them… have you? (Meredith breaths out. Bailey takes her hand). Grey… Meredith… I know this is hard for you more than for anyone else but you're strong. You're tiny but strong and Derek needs to feel you beside him. You don't have to stay away from him. Talk to him. Let him feel you are here.

Meredith: I'm not… (she looks up crying) I am not ready to go in there yet… I have tried when anybody was in but…. I stop at the door and I'm not able to step in.. He looks like he is sleeping now but… I keep seeing him in that elevator and…. I can't get rid of panic…. I'm not good enough to… (she wipes tears away)

Bailey: in health and sickness, Grey. You need to go in there. If something occurred to him and you weren't there…. You'd not forgive yourself.

Meredith: why do you tell me this? Is he worsening or….

Bailey: no… but you know it's bad… He needs all the support we can give him (Meredith looks at her in a haze, she is there but distant, she passes rapidly a hand on her stomach and tears start to roll on her cheeks again. Bailey has caught the movement). Meredith…. (but she is walking down the corridor. Derek's mum sees her too but the elevator's doors close before she can join her)

* * *

Lexie in the resident's lounge. She is brushing her hair and looking herself in the mirror. She stops when she sees Mark's image reflected in the mirror.

Lexie: hey…

Mark: you are here… I've been looking for you for a while after…. Listen Lexie, you don't have to pay attention to Nancy. She is nasty and she is even worse now Derek is… like this…

Lexie: she doesn't like me.

Mark: I can count on my fingers the people she likes. And, seeing she has three sisters, a brother, a mother, a husband and three kids… there is no much space left for others. Anyway… I found sweet what you were doing in there…

Lexie: yeah…

Mark: Lexie, please… look at me (he pulls her arm and turns her around). Don't push me away…

Lexie: I'm not but… I slept with Meredith last night and she has cried the whole time. I was there and there was nothing I could tell to comfort her… So I thought talking to Derek would have been easier but… (she shakes her head and goes back brushing her hair). It breaks my heart to see him like that knowing that Meredith is…. And he does not…. Screw … (she starts sobbing. Mark hugs her)

Mark: hey…. Slow down…. What are you talking about?

Lexie: nothing…. But…. I'm an idiot as I'm here crying and he is your best friend and I have not asked you yet how you feel.

Mark: I'm good. Kind of…. I've tried to keep my mind busy with some stupid stuff but… I took some day off…

Lexie: do you know who is responsible for the department now?

Mark: I don't have a clue.

* * *

Alex comes out from the men's toilet. He is rubbing his face after splashing it with cold water. The images he has seen flash in his mind. He breaths in and out trying to get self control back. Cristina joins him in the corridor.

Cristina: you look like crap…. He squeezed you like a lemon….

Alex: what are you talking about?

Cristina: Webber… the man who asked your help this morning. I guess you filled all his charts…

Alex: I did not (he stops and his voice is really annoyed. He looks upset)

Cristina: ok…. Relax…. It looks like you've seen a ghost.

Alex: kind of…. (Cristina looks at him stunned but she is more stunned to see Owen appearing behind Alex's backs)

Owen: hey…. (he looks so intensely at her that Alex understands they need some time alone and goes away)

Cristina: you're still here…

Owen: can we talk for a moment? (he enters an OC room and she follows him. He lays on a bed) I'm broken (he closes his eyes and buries his head in the pillow)

Cristina: where have you been the whole day? You were nowhere to be found.

Owen: I was in Sheperd's office with Webber and the cops. They wanted to know a lot of things.

Cristina: do they have some evidence? (Hunt looks deeply at her but decides to lie)

Owen: no. And all the suspects turned out to have an alibi (a heavy silence fills the room). I'm going to stay… for a while. I'm not leaving. Not after what happened.

Cristina: and your rehab program?

Owen: I'll find something else. Now I need to be here. If you are ok with it.

Cristina: why shouldn't I be?

Owen: as I was an ass to you. I didn't mean to hurt you, Cristina. You have to believe… I may have done it… I did it but I didn't want… It's just… I feel like a avalanche fell on me and I can't understand where the way out is… This is maddening to me (he is raking his hair)

Cristina: you were the only one thinking straight in there… You may be under an avalanche and a mess but… you still do a great surgeon… You always find the way out in medicine…

Owen: I think it's one of the few things that kept me alive… and it still does.

Cristina: what happened in there?

Owen: excuse me?

Cristina: both you and Alex… you seem shocked and even scared I would say… What happened today?

Owen: don't ask me that, Cristina… Just don't…. I can't tell you and even if I could…. I'd never…..

Cristina: ok…. (she lays a hand on his). I'm sorry (they share an intense look and Cristina kisses him on the cheek before going away. A smile appears on her lips and she feels the urge of talking to someone. Without even realizing it she finds herself sit in the chair besides Derek's bed). I think I'm in love this time… I really am in love… I'm… I can't not believe how cheesy it tastes on my tongue (she crosses her arms on her chest and stretches her legs). I don't know what to do… He is a mess… He is nice, intense and kind of impetuous. But sweet too… I can't believe I'm saying this crap. It's on you. You took the romantic stuff in our lives, you and all your overpoliteness. What should I do now? Maybe I should let him go or fight to convince him to stay here… What do you think? Ah… never mind. You're McDreamy after all. You're all for love… I suggest you to move your ass… You have always lost too much of McPeanut's life (she stands up and leaves)

* * *

An old man enters the department. He looks around disoriented and then joins the nurses station.

Man: excuse me madam…

Nurse: yes sir?

Man: my friend called me. He told me to come here and ask of Dr. Altman (the nurse picks up the phone but then puts it down when sees Teddy walking towards them)

Nurse: Dr. Altman….

Teddy: Yes?

Nurse: this man is looking for you.

Teddy: hi… I'm Dr. Altman. How can I help you?

Man: I'm Stuart Payne. You called me.

Teddy: yes… you're Michael's agent (they shake hands). Come with me (they enter Michael's room. He is there with Reed and Avery)

Stuart: Mike… what's going on?

Michael: you should tell me…

Teddy: Michael has come here because he felt strong pains in the chest.

Stuart: again? I told you dude… It's just stress.

Avery: it's not

Teddy: we have diagnosed him a heart murmur.

Stuart: what is that?

Avery: there is a little hole in his heart and it does not work properly.

Teddy: but that's not new to you… You knew….

Stuart: I don't know what you are talking about. Look Mike, you should come out of here. These are fools. We'll go to our doctors.

Michael: sure… so that they can lie again? How long have you been knowing this?

Stuart: I….

Michael: how long?

Stuart: since last year but you don't need to worry… I hid it for you

Teddy: his heart could fail any moment. You did it for you. With the smugness of your insurance.

Michael: this is the reason why you never wanted me to talk to doctors directly…. This is why you picked that company and never wanted to change it. I trusted you… and you put my life in danger…. Get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here! (the man leaves the room). What do we do now?

Teddy: we'll run some more test tomorrow. There is a chance we can fix the problem with a surgery. But I can't tell you anything till we have a complete picture of the situation. Just try to rest now.

* * *

Callie and Arizona enter Greg's room with his parents.

Greg: Mum… Dad….. you came back…

Greg's mum: of course we did… How do you feel? (she gets closer to the bed and kisses him on the forehead)

Greg: I'm fine. But I won't play soccer anymore (Callie and Arizona look at each other)

Callie: Greg… Your x-rays revealed something more than a simple fracture…

Arizona: you have an illness called osteoporosis

Greg: is it bad?

Callie: it can be… do you know what it is?

Greg: no… but I read on the milk box that you don't get it if you drink milk every day…

Arizona: it is not so simple… By the way it means that your bones are fragile… there are little holes inside and they could break easily.

Greg: so…

Callie: so you're going to start a treatment stat but…

Greg: there are a lot of things I won't do anymore…

Arizona: yes…

Greg's dad: but we can go fishing. You have always wished to go. I forced you in all other sports but… we can still go fishing if you want

Greg: seriously?

Greg's dad: sure… We'll go camping every time you want and catch a lot of trouts.

Greg: Mum hates trouts.

Greg's mum: you can say it loud…You won't take dead fishes in my house.

Greg: but you cook them all the time…

Greg's mum: when someone cleans them out. And the fish I buy at the supermarket is not so smelly… Anyway… I can make the sacrifice if you want…

Greg: I'd love it

* * *

Teddy pages Webber in a conference room. He arrives after few minutes.

Webber: Dr. Altman… did you page me?

Teddy: yes… it's better you sit. We have a problem. With Sheperd (she handles him the chart) I checked on him every six hours. Every six hours the pressure was a bit too high. I tried to fix it with drugs but… it's not working.

Webber: what do you suggest?

Teddy: we need to operate or he risks a brain haemorrhage.

Webber: is it because of the fragment?

Teddy: yes… the aorta is crushed. The heart does not work regularly. All the organism is in distress. We have tried but… we can't wait anymore. Tomorrow will be the third day he is in a coma. The more we wait, the more his body weakens.

Webber: we have to ask the authorization to the family.

Teddy: that's why I called you. I am not a gossip girl but, from what I know, Derek and Meredith are not legally married. What do I have to do?

Webber: I'll call Meredith and his mother too. And I hope this won't blow up on our faces

* * *

_It hits the first trees… and becomes stronger and stronger…._

* * *

(he leaves the room and goes to Derek's room. He finds his mum there. He coughs to make his presence known). Mrs. Sheperd….

Mrs. Sheperd: Dr. Webber…. I was afraid you were avoiding me…

Dr. Webber: not at all… I've been busy with… bureaucratic stuff… I'm sorry I could not come first.

Mrs. Sheperd: Derek has always told me you were franc and true… So I ask you this… Is he going to wake up? I have five children… They are all doctors and my daughters are saying a lot of things but I get a few of them… Tell me please…

Dr. Webber: I would like to tell you he will but… I don't know. His body suffered a great stress, it's still in distress. The surgery was really hard on him. It could take some day but… even more (Derek's sisters enter the room). I came here also because we have organized a summit tomorrow morning to give you the updates…

Mrs. Sheperd: we'll be there.

Webber: ok… Goodnight

* * *

_You see it coming… and you suddenly feel small and powerless._

* * *

(another night passes quickly. Rain welcomes the new day.

All the Sheperds and Mark are in a conference room with Richard and Teddy)

Nancy: so… what are we waiting for?

Mark: I think we are… (he stops when he notices Bailey arriving with Meredith. Everyone turns to look at her. Derek's mum stands up and hugs her)

Mrs. Sheperd: sweetheart…

Nancy: it's good to see you. Finally (Meredith does not answer and sits between Bailey and Webber).

Teddy: so… we wanted to inform you about his conditions. Maybe you are already aware that, in the previous surgery, we could not remove a fragment placed close to his heart. And it's what is causing distress now. We have kept a constant monitoring on his blood pressure but… by now…. We can't control it with drugs anymore. We have already faced and overcome some crises but, now, you have a choice to make.

Mrs. Sheperd: what do you mean?

Webber: she means that the high pressure is compromising the situation. Which is already precarious.

Mrs. Sheperd: I got that Richard… What I don't get is the choice we have to make. I'm not a doctor but I have understood there is no choice here. You have to operate again.

Mark: what they are trying to say is that surgery is very risky now. He could not… survive it.

Webber: I know it's hard but…. You need to decide…

Meredith: I think…. (everyone turns to look at her. Her eyes are on the table and she is fidgeting with her clock nervously) if he could decide on his own… I think he would choose to do it…. Surgery

Nancy: and how do you know?

Meredith: I… I'm….. He is a doctor. He trusts medicine and he trusts his co workers. I think he would pick the chance….

Nancy: please… you know what? I don't even know why you're here..

Mark: Stop bitching around! She is his wife and she has the damned right to be in here…

Nancy: wife?

Amelia: what are you talking about? Did he get married without saying anything?

Nancy: Jeez… this is ridiculous…. He is even more stupid of what I thought (Meredith stands up)

Meredith: I go… I have to go now (she leaves)

Nancy: yes… go the hell out of here

* * *

_It destroys everything you've ever wanted… your future… your perspectives_

* * *

Mark: you are overdoing here… You don't have the right to do this…

Nancy: shut up Mark! Are you going to pick her side in this thing? Because this is your family! Not her. We took you as our brother. We kept your secret all the months you screwed his wife behind his back…

Mrs Sheperd: did you know?

Nancy: of course we knew. Derek was the only one not to know it. He realized three months later when he bumped his pretty nose against it (all the doctors look at Derek's sisters bewildered. Derek's mum stands up and sends a strict look to all her daughters)

Mrs. Sheperd: that's why he got married without saying anything…. Maybe she is not legally his wife but… it's what Derek wants. He loves her. And you…. Just be ashamed of yourselves… I'm sorry Dr. Webber…. I thought I had raised …. different people… (she leaves the room leaving them all silent. Meredith is walking without destination down the corridors. She arrives without noticing in front of Dr. Wyatt's door. She enters without knocking and goes sitting on the couch without even realizing Owen is also there with the psychologist. They both look at her realizing she is in a deep haze. Owen swallows and gets up to leave)

Meredith: I screwed everything up. Just like you…

Owen: what?

Meredith: I screwed everything up. With the marriage… the post it…. I would have never thought this could happen to us…

Dr. Wyatt: I'm sorry Dr. Grey… I see you are very upset but…. You have to explain me better… I don't get.

Meredith: they kicked me out… Derek's sisters… As I'm not his real wife… And they're there deciding if he should have surgery or not and…. It's not fair because…. He could die…. He could die and I can't be there… It's…. I have never thought to legal stuff… to obligations… to settle our marriage because our post it was all we needed… And now…. It's meaningless…

Owen: it's not (he sits near Meredith). It's everything. You love each other. Derek loves you and needs you. You're the only person he cares of… Even when…. He always had you in his mind… You can't give up like that.

Dr. Wyatt: you see? I'm not the only one saying this. You've grown… If I remember the first time you came here… you were fragile and unsure. Now… you are here and Owen… is right (Meredith looks up at him)

Meredith: was he scared? (Owen swallows. The camera's images flash in his mind but he pushes them away)

Owen: no… he was worried about you. The only thing he said was for you and I think you should be in his room talking to him and holding his hand (a tear rolls on Meredith's cheek, she wipes it away and then stands up)

Meredith: I'm sorry I interrupted you… (she joins the door and takes the door knob. She turns around) Dr. Wyatt?

Dr. Wyatt: yes?

Meredith: fix him too. He is not that bad after all (she gives them a small smile and leaves)

Dr. Wyatt: I think we are not that far…

* * *

_But you need to hold on… to keep breathing under the mountain crushing you_

* * *

Cristina enters the resident's lounge running. Alex and Lexie are there too.

Cristina: crap… I'm late. That stupid motorcycle did not want to start… (she throws her helmet in the locker and pulls her scrubs out. She starts stripping quickly) Have you seen Meredith?

Lexie: no… she left early this morning, with Mark.

Cristina: why?

Lexie: Derek's conditions are worsening and there was a kind of meeting to decide what to do.

Alex: if they do surgery now… it's just like killing him.

Lexie: but not doing it will kill him as well. He could develop a bleeding in every moment. Organs are failing and if Dr. Altman can try something… she has to try it now (Bailey enters the door).

Bailey: ER paged us… we need to go downstairs

Lexie: Dr. Bailey….

Bailey: I know what you are going to ask but I don't know anything yet. They haven't decided. Move…. (she leaves and the guys exit too)

Cristina: where are the Mercy Wester's?

Alex: Avery and Reed are working with Altman… Kepner, I don't know. It's ages I don't see her.

Cristina: and Charlie Brown?

Alex: he does not work here anymore. Torres fired him.

Cristina: Torres? What, is she the new interim chief?

Lexie: no… I think the Board has not decided yet what to do. Do you think… they will restore Webber?

Cristina: that would be gross…

Alex: it's the only thing they can do… I don't see anyone else around.

Cristina: anyone better than an alcoholic? Shadow Sheperd would be better too. There is Bailey, Altman, Owen, Sloan… We have plenty of nominees.

Alex: I heard Hunt was taking a leave… Has he changed his mind?

Cristina: I think he wants to wait and see how the Sheperd's thing go… Have you met Derek's sisters?

Lexie: yes…. Two are kind but the others… are really mean

Alex: Izzie named them McBitchty…

Lexie: it's too generous… (they open the ER'S door and look stunned in front of them)

Alex: what the hell….

(the ER is a real mess, there are dozens of hurt, bloody people around)

Bailey: move! You are not here to watch!

Cristina: what happened?

Bailey: it looks like there was an accident during the circus show.

Cristina: accident? What…

Bailey: Yang… I'm not a freaking reporter. Take this chart and take care of the patient in there. Hunt will join you asap. Karev, you are with Sloan.

Lexie: but he is off today…

Bailey: I paged him as well… You come with me and the Dr. Webber. Let's go, move! (after some more seconds of staring, Cristina enters the visit room. A man is laying crying on a gurney)

Cristina: sir… (the door slams open and Owen comes in. He looks at her quickly and then takes the chart)

Owen: what have we got?

Cristina: I was reading it myself… I've just come in (he keeps reading and gets closer to the patient)

Owen: Mr. Vibe?

Patient: it's me

Owen: what happened?

Patient: the damned elephant went crazy and… it hurled me against a pole

Cristina: what?

Owen: ok… I need to visit you… (he starts touching the patient's arms to check eventual fractures). Do you feel any pain? (the patient laughs)

Patient: what do you think? That damned animal threw me away like I was a doll… I…. my chest hurt (Owen lifts his clothes and see a lot of dark bruises darkening the man's body)

Owen: Dr. Yang?

Cristina: yes sir…

Owen: book an OR

Cristina: excuse me?

Owen: book an OR

Cristina: but we've not finished the visit yet… How can you know he needs surgery?

Owen: because I still can see (he picks up the phone himself and Cristina glances at the patient's injuries)

Cristina: crap…

* * *

Sloan enters the visit room still in his street clothes. Alex is already in.

Sloan: what have we got?

Alex: Gretchen, 23 years, she has a suspected concussion and a deep cut in the left cheek (a nurse helps Mark to wear the emergency yellow coat and gloves. He gets near the patient). I paged Shadow Sheperd.

Mark: Gretchen… can you hear me?

Gretchen: yes.. how bad is it?

Mark: we have to check on everything but… let me take a look (he discovers the girl's face from the bandage. The cut is so deep that he can see the bone). It's deep. I need antibiotics and disinfectant. Gretchen… the cut is deep. I have to clean it and give some stitches.

Gretchen: stitches? On my face? No… I don't want… I… you can't do that

Mark: don't worry. I'm a plastic surgeon. I'll do a good job.

Gretchen: but there will be scars… I can't have scars on my face… I was called to make a set on the local tv night show. They won't pick me if I become a monster.

Mark: hey… you won't become a monster. But we have to sew the cut to prevent infections. And believe me, an infection would make worse damages then stitches. So just relax and trust me. Your face will be prettier than ever…

* * *

Lexie follows Bailey and Webber in the visit room. She freezes on the entrance to see the patient laying on the stretcher. The man's body is covered in blood and some broken bone has pierced the skin and sticks out from his body. A woman is holding his hand. She cries and keeps calling his name.

Woman: Mike… please talk to me.

Bailey: madam… you can't be in here. You need to wait out.

Woman: but he is my husband and he saved me. I was on its way and he pushed me aside and the elephant trod him. Is he going to be fine, isn't he? Please (Bailey is pushing her out)

Bailey: we'll do what we can but now you need to let us work. And we can't do if you are here. Please… wait there (the woman finally goes away and Bailey closes the door. She turns around and sees Webber has already started to visit the man)

Webber: Mike…. Can you hear me? (the man is unconscious) He does not answer to external stimulations… And he is not breathing fine. It's better we intubate him. Grey…. Handle me the tube please (Lexie goes to the cart and takes what necessary. She handles the tools to Webber. While he is intubating the man Callie slams the door open)

Callie: did you page me?

Bailey: yes… he is all yours… (Callie takes a look at the man and notices the bad fractures)

Callie: what the hell happened to him? Was he hit by a truck? (she starts visiting him)

Bailey: an elephant…

Callie: what? (she looks up at Bailey) Are you taking fun of me?

Bailey: I don't have the time (she is visiting him as well). Left lung is not working.

Webber: a rib could have pierced it. We need to take him to the CT. Torres?

Callie: ok, I will run X-Rays when you come back…

* * *

_You have to look into yourself and find a strength you didn't know you had_

* * *

Meredith has finally entered Derek's room. She has been waiting hidden in a corner till his sisters has left and now she is leaning to the door. A hint of panic has hit her when she has entered the room. A fear coming from the fact that a machine is keeping alive the love of her life, her baby's daddy. She stares dully at Derek's chest raising and falling following the rhythm of the ventilator. She has started to cry but, finally, she finds the strength to go closer. She arrives besides Derek's bed and sits in the chair. She hesitantly stretches her hand to take his but then stops and takes it back. She swallows and then stretches it again and keeps Derek's fingers in hers. He is warm and this gives her some more courage. She kisses his knuckles softly, like she was afraid to wake him up.

Meredith: hey… I'm here. I'm sorry I didn't come first but… I just couldn't. I was… I'm freaking out here, you know. I'm trying to be the brave, shining wife but…. I'm not that good at it. I'm scared Derek…. I need you. I need you so much I can't breathe. I need to hear your voice, I need to see your eyes. I like them so much… Please, come back to me… I know maybe it's more peaceful there… Maybe you met some friends and Doc too but I need you here. So stop chatting with them and come back to me and McPeanut. You've already missed too much of his… her… whatever… life. We need you… we need you here with us… Please (she kisses his hand again and keeps holding it)

* * *

Owen and Cristina are already in the OR. The surgery has started.

Cristina: holy crap… This is jelly…..

Owen: no… this is the spleen and these are kidneys. And we need to work faster. Take this (he handles her a clamp) Close that vessel… (Cristina puts her hands in the man's cavity) I need to move the spleen back to its place

Cristina: how the hell did it go so high….

Owen: he was knocked down and flipped by an elephant's trunk. The rebound must have been so violent all the organs moved. Can you take the left kidney into position?

Cristina: I can try… (the monitors start to beep) Damned it….

Owen: what?

Cristina: the adrenal artery is nicked. He is losing too much blood.

Owen: Suck…

Cristina: what?

Owen: Suck!

Cristina: I've never done this before!

Owen: I just have two hands and they are busy. You need to suck and stop the bleeding (Cristina takes the blood away and then works on the bleeding)

Cristina: I can't find the source… it's too much….

Owen: try again

Cristina: I…. (blood keeps going out. Then she lays a finger on the artery and it stops)… Ok I got it. I've plugged it with a finger but you need to come here and sew it.

Owen: Cristina… I'm trying to save the spleen. You need to do it on your own. Have you ever made a T-suture?

Cristina: yes… but on a heart…

Owen: it's the same thing just… smaller (she looks at him. Owen can read fear in her eyes) You can do this. It's your shot (she nods and takes the needle)

* * *

Mark has inserted a syringe in Gretchen's face.

Mark: does it hurt?

Gretchen: no… it tingles a little. I can't feel my face anymore.

Mark: good…. The anesthesia is kicking in…. We'll wait five more minutes to be sure and then we'll start.

Alex: what happened in that circus?

Gretchen: I…. don't know. I was near the exit. I was talking to the phone. I heard a scream and then the noise of people running. I looked up to see what was happening and something hit me. I lost consciousness and woke up in the ambulance. Are there a lot of injured people?

Alex: ER is full…

Gretchen: oh my God… there were a lot of kids in the first rows…

Mark: don't worry about it now. We'll fix you and then take care of the others (he has prepared all the necessary for stitching in a basin. He stands up and handles it to Alex. Karev seems surprised)

Alex: what?

Mark: you're doing it. Come on… sit

Alex: are you sure?

Mark: sit before I change my mind (Gretchen realizes the change between the doctors)

Gretchen: hey… you told me you'd have done the stitching….

Mark: he'll make just the inner ones. I'll do the rest.

Gretchen: I am not a learning experience…

Mark: of course not. I'd not let him do nothing without knowing he can do it. Relax. The both of you (Alex breaths out and starts sewing the girl's skin)

* * *

Callie comes back into the visit room with Mike's x-rays. She freezes on the door when she hears the continuous sound of the monitors. The patient is laying on the gurney. Webber has already taken his gloves off.

Lexie: time of death…. 17.45

Callie: what happened?

Bailey: the heart stopped.

Callie: ok… but why?

Bailey: the rib cage was crushed. The heart compressed. And it stopped. I…. need to say it to his wife (she takes her coat off and leaves. After some seconds, Callie, Lexie and Richard hear desperate screams coming from the waiting area).

* * *

Bailey has come back to the surgery floor. She is walking down the corridor when she hears two feminine, familiar voices. She recognizes three of Derek's sisters.

Katherine: what are insinuating, Nance?

Nancy: nothing…. Just that… police has dig in his life and job and has found anything. Maybe it's someone related to the intern…

Amelia: explain yourself

Nancy: maybe some drifter she was screwing or she has screwed in the past…

Katherine: stop! But… can you hear yourself? Why do you hate her like that?

Nancy: because she broke his marriage and joked him around for months.

Katherine: please…. His marriage was a wreck a long time before Meredith. And, by the way, I really appreciated your outburst this morning…. Did you really know it or was it just a tall story?

Amelia: we knew. We caught them together three months before Derek did.

Katherine: and why the hell did you say nothing to him?

Nancy: it was not on us to say it.

Katherine: really? He is your brother… You would have saved him an humiliation and a lot of pain.

Amelia: we didn't think it was a fling… we assumed it was just…

Katherine: fucking? So Addison fucking his best friend was good to you? Really… I don't know if you're kidding or not…

Nancy: whatever Kat…. Addison fucking Mark was anyway better than the slutty intern screwing everything walks in Seattle (Bailey can't take anymore. She enters the door and the three women flinch to see her).

* * *

_Even if under the snow you feel lonely and scared, in the surface, there must be someone fighting for you…_

* * *

Nancy: Dr. Bailey…

Bailey: I can't believe what my ears have just heard… And you call yourselves sisters…

Nancy: I don't think…

Bailey: shut up! (Nancy stops talking) You don't talk when I talk… So Addison fucking his best friend for months is good for you….

Amelia: we (Bailey burns her with one look)

Bailey: let me tell you a story. When Derek Sheperd got here, I fought him. I fought him with all my strength as I believed he was a stupid, fancy was-to-be model arrived to surgery by chance. He gained my, our respect in a really short time for his skills and for his humanity. I fought him when I realized he was dating an intern, his intern. I thought he was taking advantage of the girl but… I was wrong again. They were in love. From the first very moment, they were in love.

Nancy: please… he dumped her in five minutes when Addi came here…

Bailey: how do you know? Did you talk to him? Were you here? Because I was and I remember the day he broke up with Meredith like it was yesterday. Do you know why?

Katherine: no

Bailey: because he cried like a child. That decision, that choice he had to make, broke his heart. And from that moment on, he was not the same man anymore. He became a Shadow Sheperd (Dr. Nelson is passing in the corridor, he stops and goes back. His face appears at the door)

Dr. Nelson: did you call me Dr. Bailey ? (Bailey turns to look at him puzzled)

Bailey: no

Dr. Nelson: but I heard it…

Bailey: I told you no! Get the hell out of here, you moron (he goes away scared)

Katherine: what…

Bailey: we call him Shadow Sheperd. But that's another story…. I was saying that your brother lost his humor, he lost his cockiness. He was the ghost of himself. And he has never been happy anymore until Meredith and him finally made up. The girl had issues but… they found their way. It took time, it took sacrifice. But they are here, married on a post it. You can find it ridiculous. You won't if you knew why there wasn't the marriage they had organized in every little detail. You can't put that on her. Why can't you just accept they are madly in love from the first day they met? (she leaves them thinking and joins the nurses station where Webber is filling a chart. Dr Kepner is there too)

Webber: he is lucky he has four sisters….

Bailey: really?

Webber: yes… this means he still has some…. Don't tell me you have killed them all….

Bailey: no… one is nice by the way…. (April is listening to them when she hears someone calling her name)

Man: Dr. Kepner…. (she looks up and feels her heart beating madly when she realizes who is the man in front of her)

April: hi…

Man: I finally found you.

April: I was very busy (both Richard and Bailey follow the conversation stunned by April's embarrassment. She starts walking trying to get away from all the people listening)

Man: yes…. But you never came back after your first session with Mr. Greene (April stops in her trucks and turns back. Both Richard and Bailey are looking at her suspiciously). And he didn't either. Plus the police came upstairs to make us questions and I was worried there was something wrong… But if you say everything is fine… I'll see you when you're available (he turns back to go but Richard is on his way)

Richard: who are you?

Man: excuse me sir?

Richard: Do you work here?

Man: yes, in the psychologist rehab program.

Richard: how do you know Dr. Kepner? (April is looking down and her hands are shaking)

Man: she volunteered in the program some days ago… Is there some problem, sir?

Richard: I hope not. But it's better the two of you come with me. Now.

April: Dr. Webber… Dr. Altman is waiting for me… (Bailey approaches her, hands on her hips. Seeing the hard glare she is giving her, April stops talking)

Bailey: I have a bad feeling growing in my gut…. I hope I'm wrong because if I wasn't… (she shakes her head)

* * *

Mr. Lewis and Donner has finally arrived in Derek's office. April and the guy from the rehab program are in there.

Lewis: Dr. Webber…. I did not expect your call… Did you remember something?

Richard: no… but I want you to explain me why you have canceled Mr. Greene from the list.

Donner: well… we have talked to him and his lawyer and they said he was attending a rehab program. We checked and, actually, the doctor in charge signed him in from 14 to 19.

Richard: who was the doctor?

Lewis: I don't remember… I should check….

Bailey: do it (April is shaking violently but keeps saying nothing. Lewis picks up the phone and goes out. He comes back two minutes later)

Lewis: it was Dr. Kepner… April Kepner (Richard closes his eyes while Miranda goes in front of April who is shaking her head)

Bailey: what did you do? (April is still shaking and avoids Bailey's glare) What did you do? (her voice is really high and the two cops step in)

Lewis: hey… slow down…. You need to explain us…. (he pulls Miranda away)

Richard: she needs to explain us a lot of things

* * *

(Mark and Alex are walking down the corridor)

Mark: you did good in there

Alex: really?

Mark: like you've been always doing plastics stitching. It's not easy. You are a natural.

Alex: I'm not… I'm just one who likes watching and learning. And I have one of the best doing it in front of my eyes.

Mark: ok… I guess it's enough with the flattery for today… I'm…. I hope we will work together again, soon (he stops and stretches his hand towards Alex who shakes it). No grudge.

Alex: no grudge (they start walking again when they notice a little crowd standing out of the Chief's office. They get close to Patricia).

Mark: Patricia…

Patricia: yes Dr. Sloan?

Mark: what's going on?

Patricia: I don't know…. Dr. Webber went in with Dr. Bailey and Kepner and then asked me to call the police. Do you think she may have something to do with…

Mark: I don't have a clue…

* * *

In the office April is sitting on the couch and has a glass in her hands. She looks down and rocks ahead and behind. She looks nervous. Lewis hangs up the phone and then takes his block notes sitting in a chair in front of her. Both Webber and Bailey are still in.

Lewis: ok… so… can you tell me when you joined the rehab program as volunteer?

April: it was three of four days ago…. Thursday I think…

Lewis: Mr. Jarret said Friday…

April: it can be… I don't remember well.

Lewis: reflect longer before answering. We are not playing tricks in here. Why did you join it?

April: I had some free time…

Lewis: and you met Mr. Greene as first patient…

April: yes…

Lewis: and I should believe you?

April: excuse me?

Lewis: after three months at SGMW you decide you have spare time and go join a rehab program where the first person you help is a well known patient of yours. Isn't this not allowed?

April: I…. I'm…..

Lewis: we'll come back on this later…. What did the two of you talk about?

April: he was trying to cope with his wife's death but… he didn't seem to be fine… I told him we were sorry for what had happened but….

Webber: what? (Lewis throws an angry glare at Richard. April looks at her superiors and seems finally to realize what has really happened. Some tear roll down her face)

April: I…. can tell you….. I can because I didn't do anything wrong (she is rambling and talking more to herself than to others). I have tried to protect him but….

Lewis: Dr. Kepner… what are talking about?

April: Mr. Greene was upset. He thought it was Dr. Sheperd's fault his wife was dead. When he named him he became evil, aggressive and I got afraid. I got afraid he could do something bad to him… And I could not allow it because I…. he…. So I…. (all the people in the room are staring at her stunned) I've tried to tell him that it was her fault she died… she was the responsible… not him…

Lewis: who is she?

April: I could have not imagined….. (she closes her eyes and the glass falls from her hand) It was her fault…..

Lewis: what time was it when Mr. Greene left you?

April: I don't….

Lewis: what time was it? (his voice is louder and commanding)

April: six, maybe earlier…. I….

Webber: why the hell didn't you report this immediately?

April: I was afraid and shocked…. He is…. everything …. everything….. I could not stand what she had done to him…. (Lewis stands up and approaches Webber and Bailey)

Lewis: she is talking senseless…. Do you know who is the "she" she is talking about?

Bailey: no…. My God…. She has been here all this time and we have never realized she was….

Lewis: all people are normal till they do something horrible. I'll go back to the department. Donner has already collected Mr. Greene. We'll query him and let you know. It's better she stays here by now. And for here, I mean right here. I'll leave one of my man to guard the door. Don't leave her alone. But do not talk to her (he leaves the room)

* * *

(Owen and Cristina are in the scrub room and they are scrubbing out)

Cristina: It was amazing. I still have chills everywhere.

Owen: you did good

Cristina: no…. I did more than good… I rocked! I've fit two living, bleeding organs by myself! On my own…. Crap… I can't believe how extraordinary it was…

Owen: it's nice to see how you residents are enthusiastic about everything… This emotion… the high… then disappear.

Cristina: no… it won't… It can't go away. It's the reason I get up in the morning, it's why I'm not tired of studying and learning after all these years. We save lives… We can't get bored of this.

Owen: no indeed. It's surgery which becomes indifferent. For me at least. I love saving people but surgery… is just a means, not the aim.

Cristina: are you trying to disappoint me debasing what I was able to do?

Owen: of course I'm not… It's just…. This is not…. everything.

Cristina: whatever (she lowers her head and washes her hands energetically. Owen stares at her and before he can realize it, he is standing next to her. She feels his presence and looks up) What? (he kisses her passionately leaving the both of them out of breath. They part but his mouth is still an inch far from hers)

Owen: this is everything Cristina. This is everything… There is no surgery, no saving lives, anything like this…. Love is all… (silence fills the room) I saw Meredith today. We met in Dr. Wyatt's office. We talked a little…

Cristina: about what?

Owen: that's not the point Cristina… The point is that when we talked about Derek… there was fear in her eyes of course but…. All that I could read was love, pure love. And it's what I would like to read in my woman's eyes too (their eyes lock for a moment) Just like this… (he leaves)

* * *

Lexie has changed into her street clothes. She has joined the cafeteria when she is sitting alone eating something. Nancy and Katherine approach her table.

Katherine: can we sit with you? (Lexie has a bite in her mouth and answers with an hand covering it)

Lexie: sure… (the two sisters sit)

Nancy: I'm sorry for what I told you this morning….

Lexie: uhmmm (she keeps eating her sandwich)

Nancy: I really would like to tell you I was worried about Derek and yelled out with you but…. the truth is that I'm a bitch…

Katherine: yes, you are… (she laughs)

Nancy: I'm a jealous bitch…

Lexie: jealous?

Nancy: yes…. Mark is… was kind of universal property…. He pleasured each woman without loving any. And you can't imagine how many girls have tried to tame him.

Katherine: she tried too…

Nancy: he and Derek were the perfect cocktail…. Mark the bad boy screwing around, Derek the kind, loving boyfriend. Half New York had a crush on them. And it's difficult when you grow up with two men like that not to idealize them. And, somehow, along the way, I have lost consciousness of who they were. So Mark screwing Derek's wife was good because my brother was to perfect to be real… he had to pay back…. I'm an awful sister… I know…

Lexie: you really are…

Katherine: are you and Meredith sisters?

Lexie: step sisters… We have the same dad….

Katherine: so two sisters hooked the sexy brothers….

Lexie: more or less…

Nancy: why do you say that?

Lexie: it's just… Meredith and Derek… they're the legend here. They are the Couple. Mark and I… we are at the beginning. We have many things to settle yet. Now that his grandchild is born (Katherine is drinking her coffee and nearly spits it out)

Katherine: his what?

Lexie: his grandchild…. He has just found out he has a daughter and she has just had a baby….

Nancy: I knew there had to be secret daughters around… How is she?

Lexie: blond, young, really cute…

Nancy: she's Mark's daughter after all

Lexie: she so is…. (she notices Meredith grabbing a coffee and stands up to join her) Mer… I thought you were home.

Meredith: I went but… I couldn't sleep there alone. I'm in an OC room if… (she goes away and Lexie stares at her. Then she goes back to her table)

Nancy: she looks like crap

Katherine: that's probably how she feels… I like her… She is not the super woman Addi was. She is fragile, sweet, fresh… You should apologize to her too.

Nancy: I think it's too late… It's the second time I behaved horribly to her.

Lexie: but you're McBitchy

Nancy: excuse me?

Lexie: your nickname is McBitchy. After your first visit here… You are over protective to your brother but Meredith…. She knows how to forgive people…

* * *

Owen has stopped in Derek's room. He is laying on the couch. He is lost in his thoughts when he hears muffled coughs coming from the bed. He stands up immediately and gets closer to Derek. He turns the light on the night stand on and realizes his eyes are fluttering. It takes some time but he finally opens them. He seems scared and disoriented.

Owen: hey… Derek…. Can you hear me? (he has taken his hand and feels a squeeze). You are intubated. Stay the quieter you can (he pushes the emergency button and a nurse runs immediately in the room)

Nurse: what?

Owen: page Dr. Webber please… He is awake…

(in Derek's office Webber and Bailey are still with April. A cop is with them. Lewis enters the door. His face is a mask of gravity)

Webber: so? (The cop gets closer to Richard and Bailey)

Lewis: We have heard Mr. Greene and he has admitted everything. We have also found his dirty clothes and the page we had seen in the video. It was a page taken form the report of his wife's autopsy. I'm sorry but your doctor…. Dr. Kepner…. made quite a mess. And there is something worse. It's better you sit down (the two doctors go to the couch) She tried to convince Mr. Greene that it was not Dr. Sheperd's decision to take his wife off the ventilator. She told him that it was…. Dr. Sheperd's wife.

Webber: what?

Lewis: and he went after Dr. Grey indeed. But, at the last moment, God knows why, he went back to his first target. I'm sorry. I don't know how much this counts but… he is already in jail.

Bailey: what about her?

Lewis: technically… she did nothing wrong. She aided and abetted a suspect and manipulated his mind but… this won't imply anything. Legally I mean (April seems to have overheard the conversation).

April: can I go now? (Bailey closes her eyes incredulous and then goes in front of her)

Bailey: maybe you did not kill (she looks up, a tear rolls down her cheek) hurt anyone directly but what happened to Dr. Sheperd is on you. You armed Mr. Greene's hand, you and your lies. You have sent him after Meredith so that he could do what you will never be able to do: get rid of her. I… How could you do this to him? He just tried to help you… He offered you his hand and you bite him back like this…. you have betrayed him and if he didn't survive this… you would be the person to blame… not Mr. Greene (the phone rings and Webber answers)

Webber: It's Webber. What? We come… (he hangs off and starts to walk to the door) It's Derek (they both leave the room)

* * *

Meredith is laying in the OC room, her back to the entrance. The door opens and Nancy goes in.

Meredith: go away Cristina… I don't need anything…

Nancy: neither an apology? (Meredith turns around abruptly)

Meredith: you don't need to do it. You don't like me. It's your right. Just leave me alone please (she goes back laying on the bed)

Nancy: Derek would hate me forever if I did… (she sits on the bed) Maybe he already hates me… I haven't been a good sister to him lately. I really liked Addison. We were friends. And when I caught her with Mark… I thought it could be okay. Derek and Mark had always shared everything. Why not his wife? After I came here… I got how much they had really hurt him. And I…we had too. He wasn't the same person I used to know; the skittish, always smiling, ironic guy. But it hurt too much admitting this was also my fault: it was easier to point you as the home wrecker, the slutty intern who picked him up in a bar and joked him around. I get if you don't want to forgive me… You own nothing to me but… I just wanted to tell you that I love my brother. He is what I'll never be: fair, loyal, a little bit fool. And that's why it's so easy to me to blame him. He got married on a post it: just a romantic moron like him could do that. And just a woman who really, deeply loved him could have accepted it. Just promises, no obligations, no rights… Only love.

Meredith: it's the stuff of Derek…

Nancy: yes… it was our dad's stuff too…

Meredith: how is your mum doing? It must not be easy for her… after what happened to your dad…

Nancy: Derek told you his dark secret… Anyway…. she is trying to be strong but…. Derek is her baby… It's hard… even because she can't help you…. (Meredith turns around) We should stay all together Meredith… we should… (Nancy takes her hand. The OC room's door slams open to reveal a breathless Cristina)

Cristina: you need to come… It's Derek

* * *

Webber and Bailey have joined Owen in Derek's room.

Owen: ok… we are going to take the tube out now… On my three…. One, two, here we go (he pulls the tube out of Derek's throat. Sheperd coughs and he nearly passes out for the pain. He tries to roll on one side but Richard stops him holding his shoulders still)

Richard: slow down Derek… Slow down (the monitors start to beep)

Bailey: he is hyperventilating…

Richard: Derek… can you hear me? (Derek is shaking)

Owen: I think he is having a panic attack… Let go of him…. Richard… let him (Richard lets Derek's arms free) Derek… no one is touching you, ok? Our hands are on…. (Derek stops panting, he opens his eyes to see the three doctors, after some minute he starts to breath regularly. He seems scared and confused. He tries to speak but his voice is hoarse, his throat is burning like the skin had been peeled off)

Derek: water… (he touches his throat)

Richard: I can't give you water but we can try with ice chips

Bailey: I'll go and take them (she runs away. Richard and Owen share worried looks. Bailey comes back and sets a glass of ice chips in Webber's hand. Richard sets a cube in Derek's lips)

Richard: you need to lay still, Derek (Derek is chewing the ice chip, his throat seems to find solace and he tries to speak again. His voice comes out a whisper)

Derek: Mer….

Richard: she is fine. She is out here waiting to see you.

Derek: when…. What day….

Richard: it's Tuesday Derek. You have been in a coma for some day.

Derek: What happened?

Richard: you had a very long, complicated surgery.

Derek: why?

Richard: you don't remember?

Derek: I remember the elevator…. The visit room…. The ct…. then nothing.

Richard: you coded in the CT and then we rushed you into surgery (Derek winces and exhales loudly)

Derek: I… it hurts… (Owen looks down to the floor)

Richard: you are under morphine… Your organs are in distress and… we can't give you more. I'm sorry.

Derek: it's a hummer… I don't…. it's too much (he clutches the sheets wincing)

Richard: injuries were bad… (Derek rubs his eyes with both hands, his arms are lightly shaking)

Derek: I remember I ripped a knife out of my stomach…. I can't feel my ass…. I know my injuries…. (the three doctors are silent) Why can't I move my legs? (he lets his arms fall on the bed again and then starts touching his own body) Did he hit the spine?

Bailey: no (she gets closer to the bed and strokes Derek's forehead) he missed it but there is a wide hematoma compressing the lower lumbar vertebras. That's why you don't feel anything. You need to be patient.

Richard: and rest… We'll give you some sedative, it should help with the pain too (Bailey gives him a last pat on the cheek, they all turn around to leave)

Derek: what are you hiding from me? (they stop and look back at him)

Richard: nothing, Derek. I just want you to rest.

Derek: Richard please… I'm dizzy, I feel like every drop of life has drained out of me, talking is… a titanic effort and I can swear someone is squeezing my heart from inside. I'm awake from 5 minutes and I'm already on the verge of passing out. What's wrong with me? (Richard's and Derek's eyes lock for a moment but Webber breaks the contact and swallows. Bailey sits on the bed and takes Derek's hand)

Bailey: when he hit you in the chest… the edge of the knife probably collided with a bone and it broke. The fragment is near the aorta and we could not take it out in the first surgery. It is still there. That's why you feel a heavy weight and talking is so exhausting.

Derek: what do you plan to do?

Richard: you know it Derek… The choice is on you now…

Derek: but I could not survive the surgery… (he closes his eyes)

Richard: there is a chance by now… (Derek breaths out)

Bailey: Sheperd… hear me out…. I know you have just woken up, you are confused and I can't imagine the pain you are in. But you need to think straight. Your heart is in distress… You could develop a bleeding because of the high, increasing pressure. You can't go on this way. Every hour will be worse on you. You need to consider everything.

Derek: I'll do it… I will but not now. I only want to see Meredith.

Bailey: ok (she leaves his hand and stands up. Even Owen gets close to Derek and shakes his hand)

Derek: thank you

Bailey: we are quits now… (they all leave the room. Outside there is a crowd of people waiting for news. Richard notices them all)

Richard: we will update you but first…. Meredith…. go in (Meredith seems a little scared. She approaches Richard) He is exhausted, Meredith. Stressed and in pain. He is dizzy and nauseous. Don't have him talk too much. He needs to rest. And have him wear the oxygen mask. Ok? (she nods and opens the door. She feels his eyes on her while closing the door behind her and getting near the bed. She sits on the chair and takes his hand. She kisses every knuckle and smiles but her eyes are filling with tears)

Meredith: hey…

Derek: hey (even Derek is moved. Some tear escape his eyes but Meredith wipes them away with her thumb). How are you?

Meredith: I should ask that to you (she strokes his forehead and cheeks, she rakes a hand through his hair, she looks at him like she did not expect to have this chance again) but fine… Now that you are awake, I'm fine… I was so scared, Derek (he puts his hand on hers, still on his face. Their eyes lock for a moment and Meredith can't resist the urge of kissing him on the lips. They both savour the moment. Derek keeps staring at Meredith, his eyes are even bluer than she remembered)

Derek: I… (he stops talking like he was afraid to say loud what he is thinking. His eyes lower on their joined hands)

Meredith: what? (he looks up and Meredith sees a tear rolling down his cheek) Do you want me to call someone?

Derek: no… I have you and it's all I need.

Meredith: your mum and sisters are outside. They are so worried, Der…

Derek: I know but…. Later (he avoids her look). You know… I heard voices when… Maybe I dreamt, with all the drogues they gave me but…. I'm sure I heard voices and I heard yours too. You were crying and… I was…. I don't know where I was…. But I heard you crying and I could not open my eyes (Meredith is stroking his hair) and you were telling me to come back to you and to Mc…. (Meredith's fingers go limp with this sentence. She looks in Derek's eyes. Even if all the last events are shoveled and carved in his face stressing his beautiful features, she still can find a spark of hope and tenderness lingering in his eyes)

Meredith: Mc?

Derek: never mind… I'm just…. I've probably imagined everything… (he avoid her glare turning his head aside. Meredith puts her hand on his cheek and has him looking at her again. She is crying too now)

Meredith: Mc Peanut? (Derek nods and, after some second, Meredith nods back. They are both crying and Derek pulls Meredith's head on his chest. He kisses her hair hugging her)

Derek: I love you… (they stay like this for a while, then Meredith realizes she must be crushing him and lifts up. He tries to touch her belly but she is too far. She takes his hand and, sitting on the bed, lays it on her still flat stomach) Hi baby… This is your Daddy…. I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself before but…. I just want to tell you that I love you…

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: um?

Meredith: this was cheesy…

Derek: how do you feel?

Meredith: fine… I have to pee every five minutes but… I'm good. And I'm trying to be a Healthy Nut too.

Derek: so, last week in the bathroom, it was not tequila…

Meredith: no… it was the Thing taking control of my body… It's unbelievable like everything changes… (Meredith looks down at Derek and realizes he looks paler and exhausted) You need to rest now (she kisses him on the lips)

Derek: I love you… the both of you

Meredith: me too. Sleep now (she finally turns around and leaves. When she opens the door to go out, she sees he has already fallen asleep)

* * *

_You can survive the avalanche if you believe… _(Richard is sitting on the couch of Derek's room. He is watching him sleeping)

_In yourself and others too._

_Every action gives way to a reaction._

(Mr. Greene is in his cell. April arrives home alone)

_And a little snowflake can turn out to be a destructive force of nature._

_But when you are in peace with yourself _(Owen enters his lonely and empty house),_ when you know you did good and acted following your conscience _(Mark kisses his grandchild's nose and puts him back to the crib)_, you don't leave room to speculations and heartbreaking reverberations._

_Life is easier… if your love is true._

(Meredith turns the light off. Cristina is laying with her. The post it is enlightened by the moonlight)


	10. CHOICES

Here I am...

You'll never be able to understand my shock when I read the title of the season finale of the real GA: DEATH AND ALL ITS FRIENDS.

Coincidence is strucking...

There is no other way to say...

I can't believe it

* * *

**Choices**

_Since we are kids we learn to choose: pick the doll or the teddy bear, eat the candy or the ice cream. _

_Date the blond guy or the dark haired one. _

_Growing up choices become harder than this._

_You need to decide what you want to do of your life, if loving or letting go, if accept job offers or live your life easily._

_But sometimes the choice is even more critical: you have to decide if challenging death or peacefully waiting for it._

* * *

It's morning and Richard enters Derek's room. He has spent his whole night there and seen how difficult it was on him. Derek has dark circles around his eyes and is very pale.

Richard: hey… I hoped you were sleeping.

Derek: I can't… I fell asleep sometimes but always woke up for something (he is clutching the sheets, his eyes are prickling at the corners and Richard realizes he must be in pain. His breath is hollow, it comes out like a gasp)

Richard: we should sedate you…

Derek: no… I… no. Don't. Please.

Richard: Derek…. (he sits on his bed) I know I have been awful to you… for a lot of time but… please talk to me (silence is broken only by Derek's heavy breath). Have you made up your mind about surgery?

Derek: no… not yet. I want to take some time to think about it.

Richard: Derek… I know how you feel…

Derek: do you? (his voice is calm, but cold, Webber is taken aback) Excuse me Richard but I don't think you can get it (he looks around and his eyes are watering). I had a man kneeled on me, he kept hitting me and I could feel my bones breaking and my flesh tearing apart. And all I could think about was that I was grateful to God for that violence. I hoped he went on and on raging on me. As every stab he took, I hoped he would have felt satisfied. And leave my wife safe. If I think it could have been her, I …. (he closes his eyes and a single tear rolls down his cheek)... That's how I feel. When he told me he went after Meredith, I was scared out of my mind. His eyes were wild and he kept saying things on her, he talked senseless that it was her fault. I think he was hallucinating … he said it was her who had convinced him …. I think he was seeing his wife. I… (he closes his eyes and Richard realizes he can hardly breathe)

Richard: Derek… you need to calm down… This is not doing good for you. Breathe in, come on (Derek lifts his hands to cover his face and slowly relaxes). What I was trying to say is that you lived a dreadful experience, it's normal to be upset. And wanting to spend some time with your wife. But it's your life we are talking about. The more we wait, the more it will hard on you.

Derek: I know that but… I only want some more time to spend with her and… I have some matter to settle.

Richard: what are you talking about?

Derek: I will tell you when it's time (Richard stands up to leave)

Richard: try to rest… (he goes to the door)

Derek: Richard…

Richard: yes?

Derek: in the first drawer of the desk there is a business card. Mr. Wat's card. Can you ask him to come here today?

Richard: ok…

* * *

Cristina, Alex, Avery and Reed join the resident lounge all together. Each of them approach the locker to find an envelope sticking out of it.

Cristina: what the hell is this?

Reed: I hope not a firing letter

Alex: all together? Not possible (Avery is the first to open it)

Avery: it's the letter who invites us to choose our specialty…

Cristina: what? (she frantically opens her destroying the envelope). Oh God… we have one week…

Reed: it says the attendings have written a report on us. _"It's at your disposal at the chief's office". _

Alex: crap…

Cristina: what?

Alex: I thought I would have cleared up my mind by now but….

Avery: you don't know where you want to go? Cheers… you are not the only one.

Reed: that's not the only problem….

Avery: isn't it?

Reed: no… the fact is that even if your head is clear, top department has limited spots. Cardio 1, General 2, Neuro 1, Trauma 1. The others will be diverted on Peds, Plastics, GYM and ortho.

Cristina: I'd give up if I had to be stuck in Pediatrics forever…

Reed: as if you risked it…. I guess Trauma head will be more than happy to take you on board

Avery: what do you mean?

Reed: surprise… surprise … She is with Hunt

Avery: what? (Bailey appears on the door)

Bailey: do I have to bring you coffee or you are done with the chatting? (they put their letters in the locker and turn to look at her) So you have received your letters…. Good. Let me give you some tips. As you well know, many departments have limited space for new entries. This does not imply you can't make a request to be accepted. You can indicate 3 choices on the form, in decreasing liking. Once all the letters are collected, the chief will open them at the presence of the attendings. And they will decide all together according to objective and irreproachable parameters. Everything is clear?

Alex: more or less

Bailey: what? (she shakes her head) Do I have to make a draw or express this concept manually?

Alex: no… I mean… who is the chief? Who will supervise this?

Bailey: the Board is deciding. When I know, I'll tell you. Today it looks a quite day. You can update your charts and talk with the attendings. See you on the floor (she goes away. Alex and Reed go too. Cristina stands up from the bench. She makes some step to the exit when feels a tight grip on her wrist. She turns around to find Avery looking at her)

Cristina: what?

Avery: was it Hunt? When I kissed you and you told me you were involved… was it him?

Cristina: why do you care? (she leaves)

* * *

Owen arrives in front of men toilets to find a sign inviting to use women's. He breaths out and then enters the toilet looking left and right to be sure anyone is in. He is washing his hands at the sink when the door slams open and someone runs into the first cubicle to throw up. Owen turns around to see Meredith coming out from the bathroom. She looks up and notices Owen.

Owen: men's toilet is off. The sign told to come here… Are you ok?

Meredith: yes… I have a headache and…. (a new wave of nausea hits her and she goes back emptying her stomach. When she turns around she finds Owen behind Owen with a handkerchief in his hands. Her cheeks are blushed and he stares puzzled at her). What?

Owen: nothing… How is Derek?

Meredith: he is… dull (she looks up and Owen sees she can't stop tears). I don't…

Owen: Meredith (he puts his hands on her shoulders rubbing them)… I know it's hard but…

Meredith: do you think Teddy can do it? The surgery… without…

Owen: she is good… She'll do everything she can…

* * *

Mark is entering the elevator in the hall. He pushes the button to the surgery floor when one hand stops the closing door. Nancy and Katherine go in.

Nancy: hey… look who is here…. Grandpa…

Katherine: nobody has told us the great news (Mark keeps looking down). What, are you mad at us?

Mark: I am…

Nancy: what for?

Mark: because, after all these years and all these children of yours, you are still the old witches you used to be.

Katherine: ouch…. Where does this come from?

Nancy: never mind… I apologized to your teen aged girlfriend. She is cute… by the way

Katherine: I find funny you and Derek could become brothers in law. I guess he was happy when he knew…

Mark: he almost killed me… And it's not a metaphor. We bit the crap out of each others.

Katherine: why?

Mark: he didn't believe I was serious. He thought I was just screwing around.

Nancy: and you were?

Mark: maybe at the beginning… it was the heat… the forbidden fruit…. Then I fell for her.

Katherine: that's good… This brings us back to your daughter… Does Mum know?

Mark: No (the doors open and he leaves the elevator)

* * *

Richard is back in Derek's office. He is sitting on the chair behind the desk. In front of him the card Derek asked him to find. Bailey enters the door and stops right after it.

Richard: that's not our office. We should stop to go in and out like it was (his voice is a bit harsh).

Bailey: Is everything fine?

Richard: no (he takes the card in his fingers and waves it). Derek has just asked me to call a lawyer. He wants to meet him today.

Bailey: so?

Richard: you don't get it? He hasn't decided about surgery yet… He talks like he is going to die… he is scared and has closed in a place I can't get him… I can't stand to see him like this…

Bailey: do you want me to try to talk to him?

Richard: you can but… I think this was too much on him…

Bailey: maybe he just needs some time

Richard: it's the only thing we haven't… (Richard looks out of the office. The flag is waving high, the day is sunny)

Bailey: the residents received the letters this morning. All but Meredith. Maybe someone would like to talk to you…

Richard: I'll be on the floor in ten minutes (Bailey goes out and Richard picks up the phone. Looking at the card, he dials the number)

* * *

Cristina sees Teddy in a conference room, alone. On the walls, the lightened images of some scans.

Teddy is sitting at the table, she is writing some note and Cristina goes in without Altman notices. She gets closer to the scans. She finally recognizes the images of a spot near a heart's patient.

Cristina: crap…. (Teddy looks up and stares at Cristina)

Teddy: I didn't realize you were here….

Cristina: I've just come in… Are these Sheperd's scans? (Teddy exhales and nods. She rubs her fingers on her forehead, she looks distant) Has he decided to do the surgery then?

Teddy: not yet… but it's just a matter of time. If he doesn't make up his mind alone, we will bring him in after…

Cristina: what? After he codes? Is he crazy? He can't wait anymore with that thing in his chest (she points to the image)

Teddy: the choice is not on us, Dr. Yang. He perfectly knows the risks of waiting.

Cristina: so why doing it?

Teddy: because he knows as well the risks of surgery. He could not survive it. If it was on me, I'd have doubts too (she looks down)

Cristina: are you scared?

Teddy: wouldn't you?

Cristina: if my surgeon was, then I'd be. You can't go to Derek with that puppy face! It means "I'm sorry I'm the one who is gonna kill you". You need to believe this is going to work, you need to have confidence. If you don't, how can he? (Teddy stands up and gets closer to Cristina)

Teddy: do you think confidence can take this stuff out of his chest without stopping his heart for the third time? Because that's the point here: he has already endured a tough surgery. He coded and we could take him back by the skin of his teeth. And I don't know if we could do that again. So… yes…. I'm afraid (she picks the scans and goes away)

* * *

Owen is about to enter Derek's room when a man, elegantly dressed, goes out. They cross on the door and the man smiles at him shyly. Owen goes in.

Owen: who was that?

Derek: my attorney

Owen: oh…. how did the night go?

Derek: any spare question?

Owen: maybe you should reconsider the sedating thing…

Derek: maybe you should stop saying me this. I know what I want to do (Owen is taken aback by Derek's harshness) I'm sorry…. I'm exhausted and touchy. I didn't mean to be rude.

Owen: forget it (he sits on the bed). I met Meredith in the women's bathroom this morning. She told me you haven't decided yet

Derek: it's true. And how are you attending women's toilets now?

Owen: ours were off.

Derek: so…. Your leave of absence?

Owen: it can wait. Till you are fine.

Derek: or I'm dead

Owen: Sheperd… You don't have to say this

Derek: it's more than possible. You know that…

Owen: it could happen but Teddy is ready. She is good, she can do this. She has even asked the consult of someone you know pretty well: Dr. Burke.

Derek: and what did he say?

Owen: not to wait anymore. What's wrong Derek? You are one of the best surgeons in the world, you are one of the most rational and sensitive doctors I know. I know it's difficult when you are at the opposite side of the barricade but…. It's the best shot you have. You know it. You are stressed, you are in pain and you can't imagine to face another surgery but you did it the first time. I wouldn't have bet on it. I had almost given up on you. But Bailey didn't. She messaged your heart until it started pumping again. And you are here. You are a fighter. Plus… I need you if I want to have some more romantic dinner with Cristina. She wouldn't do that stuff without Meredith.

Derek: she loves you…. (Derek looks up at him for the first time) She really does. I've never seen her so taken before.

Owen: You don't know how much this scares me.

Derek: you don't have to be afraid. Things will straighten up. You look calmer than before. Even if you didn't leave, you look much more better

Owen: I am… and you'll be too

* * *

Reed join Avery at the nurses station. He is reading a chart absent minded.

Reed: it's a cemetery today…

Avery: yeah… I'm checking on this chart for the tenth time.

Reed: is it interesting?

Avery: no…. just an appendix. But it's all what I have (he puts the chart back in its place)

Reed: are you hungry?

Avery: not so much

Reed: oh…. I was going to the cafeteria by the way. Maybe later something will happen and I want to be ready.

Avery: I'll come with you (they walk to the cafeteria and cross Cristina. Avery lingers on her before going ahead)

Reed: is there something I need to know?

Avery: about what?

Reed: about the longing glare you have just sent her… (they join the cafeteria and start to queue)

Avery: longing glare? No… I was just thinking about specialties… (they pay and see Alex sitting alone. They join him and without asking take place)

Reed: have you cleared up your mind?

Avery: more or less. I think I'll go for general after all.

Reed: really? I thought you liked trauma.

Avery: no… that's yours (she is about to speak) Don't pretend… And you? (Alex looks up, a sandwich in his hands)

Alex: I haven't decided yet. I have spent some time in gym squad…

Reed: excuse me?

Alex: in the first year. I worked a lot with Montgomery.

Avery: her reputation is stainless. And she is a dish.

Reed: they had to be a wonderful couple… She and Sheperd…

Alex: I didn't like them that much… Maybe it's just because of Meredith but… they were too different…

Reed: how? I mean… they were married for 15 years… how could they be that different?

Alex: they were young… Sheperd is outdoors, easy and Idealist. He was and is really sensitive to obligations. Addison was sophisticated, snob. And kind of libertine.

Avery: ha ha…. (he looks at Alex knowingly)

Alex: what?

Avery: I guess I know why you went into gym squad…. (Reed looks up stunned and looks at Alex)

Alex: so? What are you, jealous?

Avery: no… So you slept with Montgomery and have a soft spot for gym… What then?

Alex: I like plastics but I didn't screw Sloan.

Reed: just his girlfriend….

Avery: that is why he'll never pick you.

* * *

Jennings is waiting for Webber in a conference room. Richard finally comes.

Jennings: Dr. Webber…

Richard: hi…

Jennings: how is Sheperd?

Richard: weak and walking on a edge. He should have another surgery in a short time.

Jennings: I'll go to say hi later…

Richard: no… don't.

Jennings: but…

Richard: I know you have good intentions but, really, don't. We have to give him time and space. He needs to be on his own for a while.

Jennings: ok…. So… I think you know why I wanted to meet you.

Richard: I can imagine it.

Jennings: we need to fill the position, Richard. We are going to meet in 2 hours and I need to know what I have to tell to the other members.

Richard: you have to tell them that Sheperd will be out of the game for a lot of time. You need to re adjust. Plus, this is a very important period for residents. They have to pick their specialty and the new chief will oversee this procedure. You need to find someone the Board trusts, but the attending and residents respect too. And, looking who is around, this will not be easy.

Jennings: is that all you can tell me?

Richard: it is (his pager beeps and Webber leaves the room)

* * *

Meredith is out of Derek's room. She is staring at him through the glass. Derek's mum joins her.

Mrs. Sheperd: Meredith… (she rubs her back) I've been looking for you everywhere.

Meredith: I'm sorry….

Mrs. Sheperd: don't be…. (she looks in the room too) He hasn't decided yet (Meredith breaths out without answering).

Meredith: do you think he is scared? (she looks at her and Derek's mum realizes she is crying) I… I have never seen him like this before. He doesn't react, he is there waiting for… I don't know. I know he must be shocked but…. I thought he would have fought… I thought… he would have tried… He has to… He can't leave us without… (she starts sobbing and Mrs. Sheperd hugs her tightly)

Mrs. Sheperd: he is scared, Meredith… He will never say it but… he is scared to leave the both of you behind. He saw how much I suffered when his dad died… He'd never want to put you through this… more than everything not now that the child he has always dreamt of is coming… (Meredith does not fight her hug). You need to talk to him. You are the only one who can (Mrs. Sheperd's leaves Meredith free from her embrace but puts her hands on her cheeks. Meredith is still crying) Will you do it? (Meredith nods and looks at the room again) Ok…. Go collect yourself… I will keep him company in the while (she goes in, Meredith lingers behind the glass. Richard, from the nurses station, stares at her).

* * *

Cristina is laying in an on call room. She is staring dully at the ceiling. Owen enters the door and she looks at him.

Owen: hei… slow day?

Cristina: yeah… You?

Owen: not better than yours… (he sits on the opposite bed) So you received the forms this morning…

Cristina: yep…

Owen: I guess you have already filled yours…

Cristina: no (from the coldness and the decision of her refusal, Owen gets there is something wrong). I want to take some more time…

Owen: time? I don't understand…. Cardio is your life…

Cristina: it was… now I don't know

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: I am a bit scared…

Owen: they won't pick you?

Cristina: no, it's not that. I know if I apply I'll get it but… I feel like my perspectives have changed… and I like it…. The change. If I go into cardio… maybe the old Cristina will come back roaring and I don't want… if it means to lose you (Owen is stunned, his lips open in a grimace of surprise)

Owen: would you give up on cardio for me?

Cristina: I think I could do it.

Owen: you don't…. I mean, you can't. I remember the first day we talked in this very on call room. You told me why you had become a doctor. You told me why you wanted to be a cardio surgeon. And I loved it. I loved the enthusiasm radiating from you, I loved your eyes sparkling…. I can't be the one switching it off. You don't need to choose. I don't want you to choose. I could never forget myself. And then? What will you do? Gym? You'd scare babies before they were born and peds… seriously? You'd scare them more.

Cristina: I'd not. I can be nice, if I want.

Owen: that I know (she lifts up quickly and gets near him)

Cristina: and I can be sweet…

Owen: I know that too (Cristina lays a hand on Owen's chest and pushed him down to the bed. She follows him and catches his lips with hers) But you can be bad too… (he rolls till he is over her. Their eyes lock and he kisses her)

* * *

Alex is wandering on the surgical floor. He finally decides to go into a lab to practice. He takes a cast and starts to model a nose. Mark passes out of the door and notices him. He leans against the doorpost and looks at his doing. Alex gives a rough blow and the cast breaks.

Mark: ahhh… (a grimace of pain paints his face. Alex turns to see him). You'd have broken all the bones… You have to be more delicate (Alex throws the hammer away)

Alex: I was just….

Mark: it's ok… (he sits near him and takes the tools in his hands. He starts working) You see? This must not be violent… This is sculpture, art…. A tender caress, not a kick in the balls…

Alex: you made it clear…

Mark: what?

Alex: that's not my job….

Mark: no… Why? Won't you pick plastics?

Alex: as if I had hopes to be picked…

Mark: you haven't?

Alex: stop taking fun of me… it's not good to my ego (he looks up at Mark who is staring back at him) You are not?

Mark: no… I told you are good at this. You need to practice but… we are here for this, aren't we?

Alex: have you always known plastics was your way?

Mark: yes… since I saw a pair of boobs (they both laugh). I hold the power to make people beautiful, to make them just like they want, to change things. It's fulfilling. But if you want to find power elsewhere… I'll have more boobs for me (Meredith appears at the door, slightly out of breath)

Meredith: Alex… (both men turn to see her, Alex notices her puffy eyes)

Alex: Mer… are you ok?

Meredith: yeah… I need your help… now. Can you?

Alex: sure (he stands up and, nodding to Mark, leaves. Meredith turns around to go)

Mark: Derek, has he consented to surgery? (Meredith turns around)

Meredith: no… not yet…. But he will after this (she leaves. Alex is waiting for her in the corridor)

Alex: what can I do?

Meredith: a scan

Alex: excuse me? (Meredith takes his hand and leads him to a free room. Alex notices an eco is already there. Meredith lays on the bed and lifts her shirt. She puts some gel on her belly. Alex follows her movements stunned)

Meredith: I need to convince Derek to try the surgery. His conditions are worsening rapidly and… (tears pool in her eyes)

Alex: what do you want me to do? (he takes the sensors)

Meredith: just check the baby is fine. I'll do the rest (she leans to the backrest and closes her eyes. She flinches when the sensor touches her skin and starts to move)

Alex: here it is… Everything seems to be fine… The heart is hammering… I'll turn the volume on so that you can hear it (he stretches his hand to the controls)

Meredith: no! Don't…. I…. it's ok. It was what I needed. It's on me now (she stands up and pushes the scan equipment out of the room. She nearly bumps into Bailey)

Bailey: what the hell…. Grey! What are you doing?

Meredith: I can't tell you now… Please… (Bailey just nods and Meredith disappears with the machine. She pushes it down the corridor till she arrives in front of Derek's room. She bangs the door open and approaches the bed)

Derek: hei… what are you doing?

Meredith: I'm showing you something… (she settles the screen in front of Derek and takes the sensor. She turns around the bed pulling the chair with her. She sits lifting her legs on the bed. She lifts her shirt and Derek's face lightens up in surprise)

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: shut up and look there (she turns his head towards the screen. As soon as she lays the sensor on her belly, the images of their baby fill the screen) Daddy… I am happy to introduce you to our McPeanut (tears fill her eyes watching the miracle in front of her. She looks down at Derek who is crying silently too. She realizes his breath is heavy) And you know what? He or she can talk too…. (she pushes a button and the baby's heart beat, loud and hammering, fills the room. Derek is speechless. He can't take his eyes away from the screen. Meredith feels his hand closing around hers. She waits some more seconds before lifting her hand. Both images and sound stop) So Daddy… I know this is much on you… You are hurting… but we need you. We need you to make it. You have to pick the chance of living Derek because God knows how much I love you and need you. I can't stay here seeing you … fading under my very eyes. You can do it, you are strong. Even if you feel drained, you can find the nerve to do it and to fight this (Meredith is crying). Just do it… for me … for us (Derek looks up at her and nods. Tears are streaming down his cheeks too. Meredith smiles and kisses him). I'll go inform Richard…. (she is standing up but Derek stops him. Their eyes lock and Meredith sees a need in Derek's, a wish. She handles him the sensor and goes back sitting. Derek puts the sensor on her belly again. Images and sound refill the room. He pats the night stand looking for something)

Meredith: Derek? (he does not answer. He finds his cell and, without saying anything, pushes the audio record button. He then relaxes completely. His hand still holding Meredith's)

Outside the room Richard joins Bailey. He takes a look in and a frown appears on his face.

Richard: what are they doing?

Bailey: listening to their baby… (Richard turns to look down at her)

Richard: baby? Oh my God… do you mean that Meredith is….

Bailey: fantastically…. happily… wonderfully pregnant….

Richard: did you know?

Bailey: I had growing suspects but…

Richard: now I get everything…

Bailey: get what?

Richard: Derek… I…. (he swallows and Bailey looks at him)

Bailey: ok…… (she takes the door knob but Richard stops her) What?

Richard: give them some privacy…

Bailey: he called me (she pushes the door and they both go in, stopping in front of the bed)

Richard: so… I guess congratulations are in order

Meredith: thank you (Derek is speechless, still mesmerized)

Derek: you can do it… surgery I mean…. (he takes his eyes off the screen. They are red and puffy). We can try… (Meredith stands up from the chair, she turns around the bed and pushes the ECO cart in a corner. Derek seems disappointed but she bends on him and kisses him passionately. Both Bailey and Richard look embarrassed as the kiss does not stop, their lips are stick)

Bailey: Grey…. You are raising his pressure… (Meredith breaks the kiss to look Derek in the eyes. Bailey notices Derek's body tensing) And not just his pressure I' d say…. (Meredith looks down on him to see his groin tensing)

Meredith: seriously? (her giggle fills the room and Derek can't help but smiling at the wonderful sound) You wave the flag under your child's nose?

Derek: McPeanut is not watching right now… and finally… it's good to see something still works… (he rubs his eyes with both hands. Even if the day has offered him a lot of good surprises and the overwhelming emotion of hearing his child for the first time, Derek seems really exhausted)

Bailey: ok… so we'll book an OR for tomorrow morning…

Meredith: I go and tell others. I'll be back in ten minutes (she leaves running, Bailey's pager beeps)

Bailey: I'll be back too (she leaves the two men alone. Richard sits near Derek's bed. He is still covering his eyes, his arms are shaking for tiredness and exhaustion. Webber realizes he is trying to hide his tears)

Richard: Derek…

Derek: just leave me alone Richard, please… (Richard takes his wrists and pulls his hands away. He is panting)

Richard: you need to calm down… Breathe, slowly…. (Derek breaths in and out. He closes his eyes because pain is throbbing through his wounds and ribs. He is sweating) Again… Come on…. I know you are scared. And now I get why. You are afraid to leave Meredith and not to have the chance to meet your baby. But this… this Derek will be your further motivation… Now you know there's nowhere else you want to be. Pain is much… it's cruel… it's stressing you…. But you'll come back here to your wife and your child. You'll not give up. We won't give up on you. I promise…

Derek: don't do it Richard… Don't make promises you are not sure you can keep….

Richard: I promise that if you are ready to fight… if you won't bend to all this, I'd not do it either. I'll drive you through surgery (Derek wipes his tears away and nods. Meredith comes back into the room with Derek's mum. Richard leaves and, standing outside the door, sees they're looking at the baby again. He smiles and goes back to Derek's office where he has left his coat in the morning. When he goes in, he notices Mr. Jennings sitting on the couch. He looks up when hears the door closing)

Jennings: Richard… I was waiting for you…

Richard: what have you decided (he goes behind the desk to take his coat)?

Jennings: the whole board, unanimously, has decided to accept Sheperd's request (Richard turns around abruptly)

Richard: excuse me? (Jennings pulls an envelope out of his jacket's pocket)

Jennings: I went to the meeting today… with few ideas and many doubts… but this letter arrived this morning… and…. (he smiles to himself) You were right, you know… It took me five minutes to understand who Derek Sheperd is. This was the answer. This was his answer. He is really a man of honour. Tomorrow the new chief starts the job. I won't take a no as an answer (he leaves dropping the envelope on the desk. Richard sits on one of the chairs in front of the table and pulls the letter out. His look runs on the lines and his expression is the image of surprise. His lips move silently)

Richard: _"I know it's not a long time, but Richard Webber has gained his self consciousness back. He is back to be an amazing surgeon and an unreachable leader. He helped me many times in these months to handle difficult situations and medical emergencies. That's why I think he is ready to resume his position._

_I'm grateful for the occasion you gave me and I hope to have fulfilled your expectations._

_With respects_

_Derek Sheperd "_

He rolls the letter into a ball and throws it in the bin. Then hides his face in his hands.

* * *

_The difficult to accept is that every choice has its pros and cons. _

(It's night, Richard is still in Derek's office)

_You can't know if you did right until it is too late to come back._

_So, sometimes, it's better to live the moment: after the choice is made and the world stay still._

_(_Meredith is asleep on the couch. Derek has his cell near the ear and listens to the baby's heart beat. His eyes are closed, a little smile wrinkles his lips)

_Then, you'll have the time to be sorry._

(Cristina sleeps in Owen's arms)

_To regret._

_Or to be thankful for the rest of your life_


	11. ONE

**One **

* * *

_Since when I work here, I got the impression that this hospital is like an enormous, only body._

_It lives its own life while you live yours inside its belly._

_It breaths, it thinks…_

_People and patients are just like its cells: someone feels good, someone is sick, someone dies._

_When you are in doing your job you never realize how frantic its pace is…_

_But once you stop… you feel it all._

* * *

(Meredith is leaning at the railing. She sees people and doctors walking fast up and down the corridors. She has a cup of coffee in her hands. Bailey joins her)

Bailey: hey…

Meredith: hi

Bailey: they are almost done preparing him.

Meredith: good… I'll go back then… (she turns on her heels but Bailey stops her)

Bailey: how are you?

Meredith: I'm fine… almost

Bailey: you haven't slept that much…

Meredith: no…. I kept hearing him moving and trying to change position. It was a really awful night for him. And I could not… sleep either.

Bailey: you should take care of you, Meredith. You need to rest, to eat and to decrease the coffee (Meredith crushes her empty cup). The baby needs it. Do you know how far you are?

Meredith: 6-7 weeks I think. I haven't planned the first visit yet. I want to do it with Derek… After his surgery… (she looks away and Bailey realizes she is crying. She takes her hand in hers). This was not supposed to go this way. I had to tell him that evening… I had prepared a gift, told Alex to stay out of the way. He was not supposed to know it in a hospital bed… What if this is not a good idea? He is so weak…

Bailey: it's the best chance, you know it. It's hard but… we'll do our best.

Meredith: it's what we say to relatives before each surgery… even those which don't go good.

Bailey: you need to have faith, Meredith. Sometimes faith is all we have (Meredith sees the doctors going out from Derek's room. She gets free from Bailey's grip and goes in)

* * *

Lexie is in front of the surgery board. A nurse has just canceled all the morning surgeries and is writing with a marker. Mark joins her. He is still in his street clothes.

Mark: hey… (he gives her a kiss on the cheek). Are you scrubbing in?

Lexie: no… the chief has suspended all morning surgeries. They are all on Derek's (the nurse goes away leaving on the board the following sentence. "OR1, 9.00. Sheperd, D. Attending: Altman. Assisting surgeons: Webber, Bailey, Hunt". Mark stares at the board thoughtful.

Mark: have you said the chief?

Lexie: yes… there was a communication in the resident's lounge this morning. Webber has been restored.

Mark: oh… I didn't think they would have picked him.

Lexie: who else? The hospital needs a reference figure now. We need a leader and Webber is.

Mark: ok (he looks at her askance)…. Are you ok?

Lexie: I guess I'm not… (her pager beeps and she looks at the screen). It's my patient… I need to go (she leaves and Mark keeps standing in front of the board)

* * *

Owen enters the still empty OR. Teddy is in checking on equipments and drugs.

Owen: hey… isn't this nurse's task?

Teddy: they have already done this but… I just wanted to check myself.

Owen: you are nervous… (she keeps looking down). This is not the Teddy I know…

Teddy: really? Which would be your Teddy?

Owen: self confident… smiling and focused.

Teddy: Focused…. I am. Self confident… it's not my skills I doubt but smiling…. That is too much right now. I can kill a guy in an hour, a guy I know and respect. And even like… His mum held my hand and…. (she exhales) Smiling… not so easy now.

Owen: you are doing your best Teddy.

Teddy: it could not be enough.

Owen: it's not on you. We are not responsible for what happened to him. We can try to fix things but… (Teddy leaves the room without saying anything. Owen is puzzled and then follows her outside). What's your problem?

Teddy: I don't have any. Just let me breathe, ok? I don't like to be bothered before a surgery.

Owen: bothered?

Teddy: yeah…. You don't get to come here all happy and smug and blame me if I'm not. I need to concentrate on what I have to do, to prepare things I know will be useful. I want to be ready when he codes as I still know this is going to happen, more than once. So, take your new found optimism and go to hell (she leaves, Owen is there stunned and hurt)

* * *

Cristina exits from a patient's room rolling her eyes and holding the chart close to her chest. Alex meets her in the corridor. From the room there are rumors.

Cristina: I hate this!

Alex: what? Talking to patients?

Cristina: no… telling the patient she is not going to have surgery today. This freaks her out (a guy comes out from the room Cristina hast just come out and joins her)

Guy: Dr. Yang?

Cristina: yes?

Guy: you are not hiding something from us, are you? I mean… she is fine… Emily

Cristina: she is. We had to cancel all surgeries this morning for a difficult case. All our surgeons are on it. But she'll have her surgery this afternoon or tomorrow at last.

Guy: so I don't need to worry…

Cristina: not at all… Just relax. I know it's not easy when you are in a hospital bed but… everything is going to be good (the guy smiles and goes back in the room)

Alex: wow… that was polite and kind.

Cristina: so?

Alex: usually you bark against patients and relatives

Cristina: that's not true….

Alex: it is…. Love does magic

Cristina: go to hell… (she puts the chart on the desk and leaves)

* * *

Meredith is back to Derek's room. She is sitting near his bed and stroking his forehead, his cheeks. Their eyes are locked in a silent conversation. Derek swallows some times, like he wanted to say something but does not find the courage to do it. Finally he speaks, his voice is a whisper.

Derek: Mer…. If (she puts a finger on his lips and stops him)

Meredith: ah… I don't want to hear anything. I'm going to wait for you here. You are going to come back to us. I won't have the time to miss you even.

Derek: Mer… (she stands up and silences him with a kiss)

Meredith: I love you. We love you (tears which had pooled at the corners of his eyes stream down his cheeks)

Derek: I love you too (Webber and Bailey has entered the room in the while. Bailey coughs to catch their attention)

Bailey: it's time (they go standing at the sides of Derek's bed and start to wheel him to the OR. Meredith walks with them holding Derek's hand. They arrive in front of the restricted area and Richard and Miranda stop. Meredith looks up at them and understands it's the moment to part from Derek. She bents on him and strokes his hair once more)

Meredith: see you soon

Derek: ok…. (the bed moves and Derek's hand slips out of Meredith's grip. She stays there looking at the bed till the doors close. In the corridor Webber and Bailey wheel Derek into the OR. Nurses are already there. Webber invites them to exit with a glare)

Webber: so… we are here (Derek looks around, he realizes how the OR is different from the patient's point of view). I know you are scared. I am too (Derek's looks up at him)

Derek: this is not a good thing to tell the patient…

Webber: I know…. But you taught me there's no shame in admitting to be afraid. It's just one of the many things I learned from you, Chief.

Derek: yeah… If I did good, I should not be chief anymore by now…. (he looks away). Richard…. If something should happen….

Webber: it won't

Derek: if I didn't make it….

Webber: you will

Derek: there is an envelope in my locker, in the attending lounge. You need to give it to Meredith. And take care of her.

Webber: Derek, I…

Derek: promise (Teddy, Owen and Bailey go near the stretcher. Richard stares at them all and understands it's time)

Webber: ok… (Bailey takes the mask of anaesthetic gas)

Bailey: it's a beautiful day to save lives (Derek's lips curl in a smile)

Derek: that's a good story… You could tell her

Webber: no… you'll do it ( Bailey puts the mask on Derek's face) Wait… (he turns around and switches the stereo on. A steady, fast, rhythmical sound fills the room. He goes back to Derek and takes his tied hand). One heart, Derek… One beat….. One family…. If you feel the need to go somewhere…. Just stay here in the nearness (Derek squeezes his hand, a single tear rolls down his cheek. Webber nods and the anaesthetist opens the flaw, Derek's eyes flutter for a moment and then close).

Teddy: what the hell is that?

Owen: it looks like a heart beat…

Bailey: it's his child's heart beat (Owen and Teddy look at her stunned). So let's start. I want to hear his boring story as soon as possible.

* * *

Avery and Reed are wondering in the ER, it's empty except for nurses. They get to the clinic, they push the door open. Nobody is in. They notice a sign saying the clinic is closed for the day. But they see a girl standing in front of the closed doors, a heavy bloodstream coming out of her nose.

Avery: we should help her…

Reed: the clinic is closed.

Avery: but he have nothing to do (he pushes the doors open. The girl seems scared) Hey… do you need help?

Girl: I… you are closed today (Avery notices a strange accent. The girl has Asian features)

Avery: we should be but… you can come in if you want. We could take a look at that (she nods and goes in. They lead her to a bed and have her sit on it) Ok… I'm Doctor Avery and she is Doctor Reed.

Girl: I'm Sandra

Avery: let me take a look… (he wears gloves and gets closer to her face) Crap… How long is it bleeding?

Sandra: two hours…

Avery: did you take a blow?

Sandra: no

Reed: do you use drugs habitually?

Sandra: no

Avery: did you take something recently, even occasionally? (Sandra hesitates) Hey… it's fine. The blood from the nose is a symptom of drug use, especially of birth control means.

Sandra: I took the morning-after pill today

Reed: usually it does not give problems

Sandra: and even yesterday and the day before (Avery looks at her surprised)

Avery: do you know that you should take it only the day after and not even the following? (the girl sends him an annoyed glare) Ok… that was stupid… We have to run some blood test and… in the mean while… take this (he handles her a blue pill) It should stop the bleeding (she takes the pill and swallows it, Avery takes her blood) Ok… done. I take this to the lab. Do you wait for me here?

Reed: sure (she smiles at him and Avery goes away)

Sandra: is he your boyfriend?

Reed: him? No…we are friends….

Sandra: oh…

* * *

Meredith is sitting on the floor outside the OR'S restricted area. There is a crowd of people there. Cristina is sitting with her.

Cristina: I slept with Owen yesterday…

Meredith: oh…. So, he is not leaving….

Cristina: not immediately by the way. And I'm trying to convince him not to do it.

Meredith: how… having sex?

Cristina: no… supporting him and letting him know that there is a lot for him here. He has issues but… we can face them together.

Meredith: mmm… (she stares at her)

Cristina: what?

Meredith: nothing….

Cristina: your nothing means everything

Meredith: you love him …

Cristina: kind of… (Meredith smiles at her and then looks away). I get this stuff now… Before… I didn't. And I realized I've been awful to you. About Derek. And to him. About you. I thought it was just sex, I thought it was an illness that kept the both of you together.

Meredith: illness?

Cristina: yes… you both looked intoxicated by each others. You couldn't stay together but you couldn't stay apart. My… relationship with Burke was so simple that I thought it was the only way love could be. But, finally, it was no love between the two of us. It's what there is between you and Sheperd… And maybe what is growing between Owen and me. Love is tough, it's challenging. But the more hurdles it puts in front of you, the happier you feel after you have overcome them.

Meredith: this looks like a poem, you know?

Cristina: shut up…

Meredith: I'll tell Derek… he made you a romantic moron too.

Cristina: just try to do it… He'd through little hearts around…. (they both laugh. But when they stop Cristina takes Meredith's hand in hers and squeezes it)

* * *

Mark, Lexie and Derek's family are in the waiting area. Little Sloan arrives with her baby.

L.S.: dad… (all women turn to look at her and the girl looks embarrassed) Hi… I…. had nothing to do and decided to come here to see if you needed anything… with the surgery and…(Mark gets up and joins her)

Mark: you were nice to think of this… Actually I need something or someone to cheer me up. And this kid is the best drug ever (a hint of deception paints Lexie's face. She goes back watching the floor. Nancy notices it) Ladies… this is Very Little Sloan (he turns around to face Derek's sisters)

Katherine: he is cute… (she goes near Mark and touches the baby's cheeks). But his mum is beautiful too so… no wonder in this (she stretches her hand towards L.S.) Hi, I'm Katherine Sheperd by the way

L.S. : hi…. (all the women are around the girl now to introduce themselves)

Nancy: who is your mum?

Mark: Nancy….

Nancy: what? I was just trying to make conversation here… Maybe I know her…

L.S.: It's fine dad. Railey…. Jenna Railey (Nancy is thoughtful)

Nancy: no… I don't. So… tell me something of you. I'm curious.

L.S.: I…. (Derek's mum comes in help)

Mrs. Sheperd: don't worry dear. My daughter is a gossiper. You don't need to tell her anything. I'm Derek's mum.

Mark: and my mum too. She raised me. Better… she tried to.

Mrs. Sheperd: I did good. You were a teen ager in the body of an adult but now… you've grown up. Thanks to all these wonderful girls. And this little boy too. He is really cute. He looks a lot like you (she looks up at LS.)

L.S.: thank you… Have you nephews?

Mrs. Sheperd: a little platoon (Mark bends towards her daughter's ear and whispers)

Mark: her daughters went at it like rabbits…

Mrs. Sheperd: nine nieces and four nephews. And one is on the way.

Amelia: what? (Derek's sisters look at each other. Amelia looks at July) Are you pregnant, again?

July: I am not (they all look at Katherine)

Katherine: don't look at me… I'm done with four (a enlightenment strikes her) Oh my God… Meredith? (her mother is silent) Why the hell didn't you tell us?

Mrs. Sheperd: because I'm not done with you all yet (she sends a deathly glare to her four daughters and leaves)

* * *

In the OR the clock shows two hours since the surgery started. Teddy is working on Derek. The monitors beeping raises its pace. She stops and, as soon as she raises the scalpel from the patient, they go back to normality.

Teddy: damn it…

Bailey: what?

Teddy: if I touch him the heart goes in distress…

Owen: why?

Teddy: this damned stuff is lodged between the heart and the aorta. If I try to move it, I alter the blood flow and the heart goes in distress.

Webber: what do you suggest?

Teddy: I'm thinking… (she is silent for some seconds, then she exhales)

Owen: Teddy?

Teddy: I'm gonna do it. Keep the paddles and drugs ready (she shares a look with Webber and he nods). Ok Derek…. Your child's heart beat is strong and steady. Just try to do the same, ok? (she takes another deep breath and lays her hand on Derek's cavity. The monitors starts immediately to sound frantically)

Bailey: pressure is dropping… (the sound becomes continuous)

Teddy: crap (she puts the tools down and takes the paddles Webber is handling her) Charge! Go (the first shock hits Derek's heart but does nothing) Push adrenaline and charge! Go! (she sent a second shock and the heart beat comes back. She lays the paddles and turns around. Owen looks at her worried)

Owen: Teddy…

Teddy: give me one second, please… I'm trying to focus…

Bailey: I don't want to press you but he's open on the table. He risks an infection (Teddy comes back to the table)

Teddy: he is risking much more than this. I can't do it this way…

Webber: what do you mean? (Teddy's eyes lock with Owen's and he gets what she is thinking)

Owen: do you think it could work?

Teddy: it's my last shot.

Bailey: what are you talking about? (she turns to face Richard and Bailey but her throat goes dry. She swallows and then talks)

Teddy: I need to put him under bypass.

Webber: are you sure you can resume the heart after?

Teddy: I hope… But I will never take this thing out if it's beating (she feels Bailey's and Webber's eyes on her) He has already coded twice. How long do you think we can restart his heart? I'd like to have different chances but I haven't. This is my pick.

Owen: I think she is right. And she has already done this before…

Webber: ok then (Teddy moves and Webber stares down at Derek)

* * *

Avery picks up Sandra's exams. He starts walking down the hall and, in the while, he takes them out. He looks annoyed. He enters the clinic and finds Reed and the girl laughing together. The blood flow has stopped)

Avery: are you ok?

Sandra: it looks like it stopped.

Reed: two minutes after the pill.

Avery: you said you knew how to take the morning-after pill

Sandra: I do, indeed.

Reed: Avery?

Avery: your blood tests show a high degree of the hormone contained in the pill, as if you were taking it for at least a week. This is why your nose keeps bleeding (Sandra looks down)

Sandra: I read the instructions and they didn't say anything against the long lasting use

Reed: that's because you should use it occasionally. There are other birth control means suitable for the long term. You should not take this pill (Sandra starts crying). We can help you if you want.

Sandra: I can't take the daily pill. I get fat. He doesn't want me to take it. He says I become ugly… He'll leave me.

Avery: who is he?

Sandra: my boyfriend. He bought me those pills (she takes the handkerchief she has in her sleeve. She discovers her forearm and Avery sees dark bruises. He takes her hand and lifts her t-shirt)

Avery: who did this? (she doesn't answer)

Reed: was it him? Where are your parents?

Sandra: home… in Pakistan. They sent me here to marry him and work.

Avery: and he hits you?

Sandra: I'm his. He can do whatever he wants.

Avery: we are not in Pakistan here. Do you want to be with him?

Sandra: no but… does it matter?

Reed: it does…. A lot. I'll call the welfare services.

Sandra: no, please! He'll come to look for me. He'll get me! He'll kill me!

Avery: anything of this will happen to you, we promise. We can help you. He'll never know where you are, you'll build a different life. You'll be free.

Sandra: I'm scared (she starts sobbing and Reed hugs her)

Reed: it's gonna be ok, I promise (she strokes her hair). Let us help you… (Sandra nods and Reeds lets her go)

Sandra: can I go to the toilet?

Reed: sure… down there. On the left (the girl stands up and walks to the toilets. Avery and Reed follow her with the look)

Avery: we have to admit her.

Reed: yes… till Bailey is free. Do you think she will stay?

Avery: I hope she will.

* * *

In the corridor, Cristina and Meredith are still sitting on the floor.

Meredith: I need to go… (she stands up)

Cristina: what?

Meredith: somewhere… I just can't stay here… (Cristina is standing up) No… I…. just need some time alone. Please… I'll come back (Cristina nods and Meredith goes away. She keeps sitting. She stretches her head till she looks at the clock)

Cristina: crap… (she stands up and pushes the doors on the OR'S restricted area open. She then enters the scrub room and stops looking at the OR. Teddy is working on Derek but what hits Cristina is the absolute silence filling the room. She quickly washes her hands and puts a mask on her face. She opens the sliding door. At the sudden noise, Owen turns around)

Owen: Cristina… what are you doing here?

Cristina: no… no… the question is what you are doing here? Why is he…. (Owen leaves the table and goes to Cristina. He tries to push her towards the door)

Owen: you need to leave

Cristina: no till I don't know what the hell is going on…

Owen: we are trying to save him. That's what is happening here. But it's more difficult than we expected.

Cristina: why? (Teddy talks without looking up)

Teddy: because the damned stuff is stuck and I could not take it out. He coded twice and I decided that I'd have had more chances stopping his heart and putting him under by pass. Are you ok with that?

Cristina: yes… but….

Bailey: what?

Cristina: do you think he… you…

Owen: we hope so (Teddy finally pulls the fragment out. She keeps forceps right in front of her eyes)

Teddy: damned it… damned you (she throws it in the basin and goes back to Derek). Ok… we are ready to take him out now…

Webber: I thought you wanted to control residual bleedings before…

Teddy: I should but… it's better to do it with his heart pumping (she settles equipments and prepares everything) It's the moment…. By pass off please (the nurse switches the bypass pump off and monitors start to beep stat) Come on Derek… Come on…. (they wait for some seconds but anything happens) Give me paddles please (a nurse handles her the equipment). Charge! Go! (heart is still not working) Again… Go! (still nothing) Push adrenaline… Move! (the drug is inserted in the line, they watch it enter Derek's arm)

Webber: Dr. Altman…

Teddy: wait….

Cristina: he has been down for too much…. You need to do something…

Teddy: that's all I can do… Charge! Go!

Nurse: no beat (Cristina pusher Owen aside and goes near Teddy. She takes the paddles out of her limp hands)

Cristina: what the hell are you doing? Have you impregnated her to die then? You are not going to do this. You promised. She loves you. There is a lot of people who love you and you are not going to let us down (she sends another shock to his heart and a hollow beat fills the room)

Teddy: oh my God… you did it…

Cristina: you don't know how long I have been waiting for this (she puts the paddles down and goes away)

Webber: Teddy… (she comes back to the table)

Teddy: yeah… I see it. But we can fix this. Clamp please.

* * *

Meredith is wondering in the hospital. She passes in front of the nursery to see two newly parents holding their baby. A little smile curls her lips. She crosses the floor and notices a woman crying desperately on an empty bed. She takes the stairs and goes down. She stops when she joins the open doors of the hospital church, the place where she had to get married, the place where Alex and Izzie finally did. Shelingers and then enters, sitting in the last row. She looks around for a while till she feels a grip on her shoulder. She turns around to meet Derek's mum's eyes.

Mrs. Sheperd: Meredith…. (the woman sits near her) I didn't think you attended the church.

Meredith: I don't, actually…. I was just trying to find a quiet place.

Mrs. Sheperd: oh… this is. You can find solace here. We attended church all together, on Sunday. The kids, my husband and I. But then he died and they didn't accept it. So I kept going alone.

Meredith: do you believe?

Mrs. Sheperd: yes… we have to believe in something. Believing I'll see him again makes me get up in the morning (Meredith looks at her for a moment and then looks away). I know this sounds ridiculous to you. You doctors are all for science and evidence…

Meredith: we are but…. I believe in what I see. And I saw there is something beyond…. (Mrs. Sheperd stares at her, a frown on her forehead). I nearly died two years ago. I fell in the ocean and drowned. Derek pulled me out of the water and breathed for me on the way to the hospital. Then the others succeeded in taking me back. I was dead for 6-7 hours and… I saw things… (Derek's mum is looking at her but does not force her). I saw dead people I knew and…. Then my mum. She arrived in there and I knew she was dead too. She told me to go away, to come back to life… and the next thing I remember is that I woke up in the hospital. Derek was there and told me she had died in the afternoon. I have never told him this….

Mrs. Sheperd: why? (some tear stream Mer's cheek)

Meredith: because it was my fault… in part. I fell in the ocean and… (she sniffles) I thought for a moment it was not worth to swim. I let myself sink and… I had never had the courage to tell him. Even if he knows… I couldn't tell him. I was afraid… And I'm afraid now that he could decide to give up as well…

Mrs. Sheperd: he will never do it.

Meredith: how do you know? I knew he loved me and I loved him too but… I did. Two seconds of indecision are enough to die.

Mrs. Sheperd: I know…. But two seconds are enough to live too. Derek loves life…. He loves you. He loves love…. He will never give up on this. He is a miracle. After what happened to him… after the worse betrayal he got from love… he found the nerve to open his heart again. And love again. Even if he had to fight, even he had to suffer…

Meredith: because of me…

Mrs. Sheperd: no… because life is a snake Meredith…. She can retort against you in every moment. You are a sensitive, strong woman. It does not take a lot to get you have suffered a lot. And when you suffer, what you fear the most is suffering again. Derek had his part in it. He had to make choices and… he forgot who he was.

Meredith: how can you say it?

Mrs. Sheperd: he cut all contacts with us… Now I get why he did it with his sisters… After what I heard this doesn't surprise me… but I didn't hear about him for months. And Derek would never do this… unless he was afraid of letting me know how bad he felt. And I regret I let him alone for so long… Addi came here, Mark came here. And they messed up with him again. You are the reason he survived. I can read it in his eyes. And this will never change.

* * *

Lexie is sitting in the cafeteria alone. Mark joins her and sits at the same table.

Mark: hei… you disappeared…

Lexie: I just wanted to drink a coffee… (she never looks up at him)

Mark: is it for what I said?

Lexie: excuse me? (She looks up and Mark strokes her cheek)

Mark: are you mad at me for what I said? (she is silent) Because I said that Very Little Sloan was the panacea I needed?

Lexie: no…

Mark: you're lying. Lexie… I just wanted to say something nice to her. She was kind to come here and I wanted to let her know I appreciated the thought. But you are here with me… This is helping.

Lexie: I'm sorry… It's just that…

Mark: I picked her over you once and you are afraid I'd do that again? I'm stupid… but not that much. I learnt from my mistakes. I like her, I like the baby too. But we are together… nobody will never change this (Lexie smiles and gets up to give him a kiss across the table. She takes a look around)

Lexie: I should do this more often….

Mark: I agree… I love the kissing…. (Lexie giggles)

Lexie: I didn't mean this… (Mark looks hurt) Well… yes, I like the kissing too but… no…I… (Mark bursts out laughing). What?

Mark: you're rambling… and I'm taking fun of you…

Lexie: shut up! Anyway I meant the public kissing. It discourages nurses and patients to hit on you.

Mark: no one is hitting on me (Lexie bends on the table and points at a woman at the opposite side of the cafeteria)

Lexie: and what do you tell me about her? (Mark is turning around) Don't look! (he stops) She hasn't taken her eyes out of you since she got here… Who is she?

Mark: how can I know if you don't let me take a look? (Lexie shrugs and he turns around. The smirk he had on his lips quickly disappears as he recognizes the woman) Oh my God….

Lexie: what?

Mark: it's Jenna (the woman is getting closer. Mark turns to look at Lexie)

Lexie: Jenna?

Jenna: Jenna Railey. He took me a lot to find you. And my daughter. And my grandson.

* * *

Alex and Avery exit Sandra's room and meet Alex at the nurses station.

Avery: Sheperd?

Alex: still in... Did you admit a patient?

Avery: yes… but nothing surgical. We found her in the clinic.

Reed: We are waiting for Dr. Bailey to call the public services

Alex: why?

Avery: she is from Pakistan. Her parents sold her to a guy who fills her with pills and blows.

Alex: bad story…

Reed: I didn't think these stories existed again. Selling children… marriage of convenience.

Avery: lucky her she came to the clinic. Better… lucky her there is a clinic… and Denny Duquette… Who was he by the way?

Alex: who?

Reed: Denny Duquette… (Alex does not lift his eyes from his chart. He breaths out)

Alex: a rich benefactor. And Izzie's fiancé.

Avery: excuse me?

Alex: he came here for a transplant and they fell in love. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. He died three days after the heart transplant. After he did, she discovered he was rich and he had left her 8 million bucks. The hospital was looking for money to open the clinic and Izzie gave them. And she named it after him. Are you happy now? (he leaves them)

Avery: more than you are… (Reed looks at Avery and then follows Alex)

Reed: Alex (she walks after him but he doesn't look back)

Alex: what?

Reed: can you stop please? (he does and breaths out) Are you fine?

Alex: I'm not. This place is falling apart and the two of you look like two students on trip.

Reed: we don't…

Alex: why were you at the clinic then?

Reed: we just wanted to give you space. We didn't want to intrude in this moment, the surgery, the await. It's not that we don't care… We thought Meredith and you all wanted it private.

Alex: I'm sorry… Give him my apologies as well (he turns around and leaves towards the Ors)

* * *

Owen and Teddy are in the scrub room. They are washing their hands. Teddy looks up to watch beyond the glass where Bailey and Richard are wheeling Derek away.

Owen: you did it…

Teddy: yeah…

Owen: it was a great surgery…

Teddy: yeah…

Owen: you are a great surgeon….

Teddy: sometimes I'm, sometimes I'm not… Sometimes I'm a good girl, sometimes I'm a bitch. I'm sorry for this morning. I was freaking out and I yelled at you. You didn't deserve it.

Owen: just a bit maybe… Not that much… But that's what friends are for.

Teddy: yeah… (Owen looks at her puzzled but Richard and Bailey come back in the scrub room. They feel the tension between the two of them) I have to inform Meredith… (Richard stops her way) Dr. Webber?

Richard: are you ok?

Teddy: sure…

Richard: I thought you could need some more time…

Teddy: I'm fine (she leaves them and goes out. Meredith notices her and walks in her direction). He is in the ICU now. It was far more complicated than expected but… he'll survive (Meredith has started to cry).

Meredith: thank you (Teddy smiles at her)

Teddy: his body suffered a huge stress, it is still under a lot of stress. To ease the situation, we put him under an induced coma. We will see tomorrow if letting him waking up or waiting some more (Meredith's eyes become doubtful)

Meredith: but he could develo_p_ pneumonia and infections.

Teddy: I know… but we couldn't give him more painkillers now and I don't think he could face it. We'll see tomorrow.

Meredith: thank you (she hugs Teddy)

Teddy: it's fine, Grey. But if you feel the need to pay back, I expect you to bring me a cappuccino every time you're on my service.

Meredith: you are an easy person to pay back (she breaks the hug)

Teddy: yes… I don't think it will be that easy with her (she gestures towards Cristina and leaves. Meredith looks at Cristina)

Meredith: what is she talking about?

Cristina: nothing… (she shrugs)

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: I went in to take a look. And I gave him a move.

Bailey: that's not how I'd say it but… you did good (she turns on her heels and goes away. Half corridor she meets Avery and Reed)

Avery: how did it go?

Bailey: it went… you shouldn't be ashamed in asking.

Avery: we are not…

Bailey: sure. I'm tired and I wonna go home.

Reed: ok but… we admitted a girl today.

Bailey: admitted?

Avery: she came to the clinic and…

Bailey: but it was closed.

Reed: we saw her outside and let her in. We need to call the public services.

Bailey: do it (she starts going down the hall)

Avery: but… (Bailey lifts a hand and says goodbye, her back to them) We waited for you…

Reed: I think it's her way to tell us she trusts our judgment.

Avery: maybe. Let's go then.

* * *

Owen enters the chief's office to find Richard sitting on the chair behind the desk.

Owen: chief…

Richard: it sounds weird now…

Owen: did you want to talk to me?

Richard: yeah… sit down… (Owen sits in front of Richard. Webber takes a file from the desk) I found this file on Derek's desk. I see he had given you a leave of absence period. From last Friday. I guess all the following events has changed your plans but I wanted to know what you want to do.

Owen: to tell the truth I was reconsidering the thing. It was a personal issue but… finally… I think I can deal with it. If Sheperd had already arranged the turnover anyway… there is no problem. I'll go.

Richard: he hadn't. And I won't as well. You are precious here, you're focused, you have composure. You were one of my best investments.

Owen: thank you, sir.

Richard: so (he waves the file) this?

Owen: you can destroy it.

Richard: good (Owen stands up but stops looking at Webber). Is there anything else?

Owen: yes.. but it's none of my business so. If you can't tell me, it's fine.

Richard: let's try

Owen: I didn't understand why the police finally arrested Mr. Greene. I mean… I was here when they said it had an untouchable alibi and then… (Richard looks out of the window and then down on the desk. Owen notices he looks uncertain). But, like I said, you don't need to tell me (he turns around and is midway to the door when Richard speaks)

Richard: I will (Owen turns around). Even if, for me, this was more painful than the video. And I think it will be a hard blow on Derek too. Not to talk about Meredith. Mr. Greene has covered up by a resident.

Owen: excuse me?

Richard: the same resident that was hitting on Derek. She gave him an alibi. And, what is worse, she had a direct part in the attack. She set Mr. Greene on . I haven't decided if I believe she was in good faith at the beginning or nor yet but, finally, she did the unforgivable.

Owen: I don't understand…

Richard: she sent Mr. Greene after Meredith. It was a miracle, if we can say this after what he did to Derek, he didn't hurt her.

Owen: is she still here?

Richard: for the moment. I've already made a report to the board and I expect them to give me the permission to fire her stat. In the while, I ask you and Dr. Bailey, who knows everything, to check on her strictly.

Owen: of course.

Richard: Thank you. I'll tell Miranda to assign Kepner to you tomorrow.

Owen: April Kepner?

Richard: yeah…

Owen: but she looks like a lost lamb.

Richard: you should tell me better… Wolves often hide in sheep's clothing (Owen nods and opens the door) And Owen…

Owen: yes…

Richard: don't tell anybody for the moment. This situation won't solve in a short time.

Owen: sure.

* * *

Lexie and Mark arrive home. Little Sloan is on the couch with the baby.

L.S.: hey… did the surgery go fine?

Mark: yes… it will take a lot of time… but Derek is gonna be fine (he sits on the couch and L.S. notices he is strange)

L.S.: why are you so said then?

Mark: I'm not sad. I'm… (he looks up at her) I received a visit at the hospital.

L.S.: visit?

Mark: yeah… your mum is here

L.S.: what?

Lexie: your mum is in town

L.S.: I got that… Why?

Mark: I think she was worried about you. You left some months ago. I thought you had called her.

L.S.: I did but… she didn't answer. I left her a message on the vocal mail. Will you send me home?

Mark: no… we'll decide together. You'll do what is best for you (the baby burps and they all laugh) And for you too… sure.

* * *

_Hospital eats our life and we don't evenrealize it._

_And, finally, we start to live as one thing._

_We fall in love in its walls (Derek is back in his room, he is hooked to the ventilator again and Meredith holds his hand), we grow adult in there, we win our hardest challenges, we lose our toughest battles (Teddy leaves the attending lounge and meets Owen and Cristina in front of the elevator. She smiles and then takes the stairs). It becomes our home (Avery and Reed exit the hospital)._

_But… as every place in the world, it hides problems and tricks on our way._

_And, as long as we love it, we get to know we have to keep our eyes wide open (Owen and Cristina exit the hospital. They meet April on the door. Owen lingers to look at her and tightens his grip on Cristina's shoulder)._


	12. THE TIME OF OUR LIFE

The time of our life

* * *

_Time is not always the same._

_A minute can be different from the previous and from the following._

_It's what Saint Exupery called length._

_It's the inner side of time, mathematical, physical time._

_Our clock marks minutes in a steady, rithmical pace._

_But our heart does the same differently._

* * *

(Teddy enters the chief's office. It's early morning. Bailey is already there).

Teddy: Dr. Webber… Dr. Bailey

Richard: Dr. Altman… (she sits in front of him, near Miranda). So?

Teddy: vitals are good, blood pressure is normal. For me it's ok.

Richard: Miranda?

Bailey: pulmunary functionallity is not that good. He'd have great troubles in breathing.

Richard: I know. But there is still fluid in the right lung. If we still keep him on the ventilator…

Bailey: I know… He could develop pneumonia.

Teddy: and this is the fourth day after surgery. Meredith is worrying. And his family too.

Richard: I'm not taking him off the coma because his family is worried. We need to consider all the facts.

Bailey: what about pain control?

Teddy: if we take him off the ventilator, anti coaugulating won't be necessary anymore. You can give him all the morphine you need.

Richard: ok then. Thank you (both women stand up) Bailey, just a minute please (Teddy goes out, Bailey stays there. Richard notices a frown on her forehead). Is there any problem?

Bailey: no

Richard: you don't agree?

Bailey: I do but… (Richard looks at her). It's Derek Sheperd we are talking about. I'm afraid we won't flow his body with morphine. He will overdo like he always does.

Richard: I know Bailey but… we can't keep him in coma forever. Even if it's to protect him. He'll adapt to the situation.

Bailey: sure… Did you stop me for this?

Richard: no… unfortunately not. Kepner brings service this morning after her three days off (Bailey sinks in the chair)

Bailey: I thought she was gone…

Richard: no… The board wants to take things slowly. Police's assessments are not enough for our lawyers. They want an official charge. So, she will be here for some time.

Bailey: what am I supposed to do with her?

Richard: we must be smart or she'll sue us. Keep her under control. Hunt knows everything and he's available to work with her. Anything has to come to the surface. Not before I talk to Derek and Meredith. Just be sure she doesn't get close to them.

Bailey: I'll harm her neck if she even tries.

Richard: I knew I could count on you.

* * *

Cristina enters the locker lounge and finds her collegues there, changing into their scrubs.

Cristina: hey…

Alex: morning… (Cristina notices their nervous faces)

Cristina: what? Didn't you have a good night sleep? You (she adresses to Reed) have wrinkles, he (Avery) looks like a milk shake. And you… look like crap like you always do.

Reed: thank you. And welcome to the not "dating attending" club.

Cristina: excuse me?

Reed: you are all smug and bright as you know you have your specialty in your pocket.

Cristina: actually, I am.

Reed: yeah… but not for your medical skills (Cristina stares at her, a deathly glare)

Cristina: say it again

Reed: you keep Hunt's bed warm. I'm sure he put a nice word for you to his war-friend Altman (Cristina stands up and approaches her threateningly. Avery comes between the two of them)

Avery: calm down… the both of you.

Cristina: just say it to the red-head bitch (Alex pulls her am and moves Cristina away)

Alex: shut up… all of you. And what the hell is your problem? (he adresses to Reed)

Reed: I don't have any. I just don't find it fair we have to fight a lost war.

Avery: it's not, Reed. They are good, just as us.

Reed: sure… And I'm sure Hunt will pick you over her or Sheperd will pick you over his wife too…

Cristina: let me tell you this… If I had the doubt Hunt recommended me, I'd never apply for cardio. And you know why? Because I've been working for all my life to becoma a cardio surgeon, I've given everything, incuding my private life, and I'd give up immediately if I realized I was not cut for it. Plus… Hunt never gave me anything here. Since the very first day. And Sheperd… he just gave Meredith a lot of worries and problems. We're couples but we don't take advantage from this. Don't try to do it (she storms out of the lounge).

Avery: you really pissed her of.

Alex: and for no reason. Why this now?

Reed: come on… Take a look around. We were four and now we are two. Charlie is gone and April… (April appears on the door, uncertain and shy). April… Well the hell were you?

April: I took three days off.

Avery: in the week we had to present our applications?

April: I had to think… (she gets near the locker)

Alex: you know guys… you are fools… And if I was you, I'd apologize (Alex goes to the door and stops before going out). Ah… and if you want, I could tell you the legend of Derek and Meredith sooner or later (he goes away, April slams her locker closed)

* * *

Mark enters a conference room to find Jenna waiting for him. He lays a coffee in front of her on the table and then sits.

Jenna: good morning… I've been here for hours.

Mark: I had a surgery. I'm sorry.

Jenna: surgery? You're really a doctor then…

Mark: yeah… how are you?

Jenna: fine. My daughter packed her things and went the hell away to her unknown father while pregnant. I'd say fine (she pinches the bridge of her nose with two fingers).

Mark: did the two of you fight for the baby?

Jenna: of course we did… she has always been easy with guys, flirty and glaring. I told her not to screw around… I didn't want her to end like… me.

Mark: you did a great job with her.

Jenna: I had to. You left me for hundred bucks and disappeared. I had to be strong, I had to be a mother and this was the last thing I wanted for her.

Mark: I'm sorry. I was an ass there. I was young and studip. I didn't want to assume my responsabilities. But I'm different now. I can help.

Jenna: seriously? Should I be relieved? What if I don't want your help? What if I don't want you in her life? You know, you can't go in and out from our lives like the hell you want.

Mark: Jenna…

Jenna: don't Jenna me! I want to see my daughter.

Mark: I told her you were here. She will come for lunch (the woman stands up and leaves)

* * *

Meredith enters Richard's office knocking. Webber is reading some files and looks up.

Meredith: hi… can I?

Richard: sure… come in…. (Richard notices her paleness and tiredness) Are you ok?

Meredith: yeah… just a little tired I guess… So… Bailey told me to come here.

Richard: yes… sit Meredith (she sits) We have decided to decrease his meds. He'll be awake within this afternoon.

Meredith: ok… It's good… isn't it?

Richard: yes. But you know it will be stressful for him. And you know he has a strong God-Complex.

Meredith: among a lot of other things… (Richard smiles)

Richard: yes… good guy complex, saviour complex…. It's better we stop or it'll take the whole day (Meredith giggles). We haven't made plans yet because we need to see how he'll react, how his body will react. But I think the first 2/3 days will be very hard on him. You need to be patient.

Meredith: I can do that. I'm not gonna choke him with his pillow if it's what you mean.

Richard: ok… we'll take him for a CT as soon as possible. And…

Meredith: what?

Richard: it's early to say this but… police will come here in some day. They need his witnesses. And there's a lot of things the either of you don't know about what happened.

Meredith: I don't understand…

Richard: I can't tell you nothing Meredith, not yet. But I'd strongly suggest the aid of a psycologist. For Derek… and maybe even for you.

Meredith: chief… you're scaring me. And you're not looking at me in the eye. It's something Bailey does as well. Is there something I need to know?

Richard: you will, when it's time. Just take care of yourself by now. And stay close to him. He'll need support.

Meredith: I also wanted to talk about work (the phone rings and Webber picks it up. A frown appears on his forehead. He puts a hand on the reciever)

Richard: we'll talk about this later… ok? (Meredith gets she has been dismissed and leaves. Richard stares at her, following her frame in the corridor too)

* * *

The residents arrive at the nurses station where Bailey is waiting for them. Cristina and Reed ignore each other.

Bailey: ok… first of all I wanted to tell you all that, seeing the last events, the chief has decided to delay the choice of your specialties. You have one more month to present your forms (the guys share curious looks. Only April seems surprised)

April: forms? I didn't get any…

Bailey: that's because you were on holiday (Bailey stares at her but April avoids the contact) Did you have fun, Dr. Kepner? (the other residents look at Bailey stunned. Her voice is cold and unpolite)

April: I… had some stuff….

Bailey: I'm sure you did… You are with Dr. Hunt. He is waiting for you there. Go (April goes away)

Reed: did she do something wrong?

Bailey: excuse me?

Reed: why did you treat her like that?

Bailey: I like to bitch around sometimes. And, as you may have heard, I'm the Nazi for some reason (Reed look at Avery and breaths out). Reed and Avery, you are with Dr. Altman today. She is in the ER (the two guys go). Yang and Karev… you are with me (she turns around and starts to walk down the corridor. She sends a deathly glare to April who is with Hunt and then goes ahead . Alex and Cristina share a worried look)

Alex: Dr. Bailey

Bailey: yes? (she doesn't turn around)

Alex: where are we going?

Bailey: our patient will awake from an induced come today. We need to check everything is ready.

Cristina: did you put us on Sheperd? (Bailey turns around)

Bailey: are you not okay with that, Yang?

Cristina: sure, I am.

Bailey: fine… because I thought he should have been happier to see friendly faces. You can keep Meredith company in the await and you are not going to be impressed when we take the bendages away.

Cristina: why?

Bailey: because you have already seen everything.

Cristina: I have but he (Cristina looks at Alex who is avoiding her eyes. They are in front of the door)

Bailey: shut up now. Be a doctor (they go in)

* * *

Hunt and April are in a conference room filling charts together. April snorts.

Owen: are you annoyed, Dr. Kepner?

April: no… I'm….

Owen: tired?

April: no… I was just wondering if there is nothing more interesting to do than this.

Owen: you are a surgeon. You need to take care of your patients even after surgery. Charts are important. Every story is written on here.

April: that I know… but I don't see why I have to fill all these. This is Avery's patient… This is Reed's. Why am I stuck here? You have no right to do this. This is mobbing… I should report you…

Owen: why? Because we are doing charts together? I should sue the hospital too. Go on. If something arrives, we'll take charge of it. If it doesn't, we'll fix all these (April follows his gesture and sees a high pile of charts all around. She breaths out and goes back to write. After some second Hunt's pager beeps. He looks at the screen and gets up) You're lucky. We have a stabbed guy. I guess you'll enjoy this (let's go. April swallows and then follows him)

* * *

Avery and Reed join Altman at the ambulance bay. She welcomes them with a smile.

Teddy: hi

Avery: Dr. Altman…

Reed: what have we got?

Teddy: man… 58. He felt sick at home. I know nothing more (the ambulance appear at the bottom of the road. After some seconds it stops and a paramedic jumps out)

Paramedic: male, 58. His wife and him were…. (he looks up embarassed) you know… and he felt sick. He is like we found him.

Teddy: what does this mean?

Paramedic: you'll see (he pulls the strecher out). His wife is on the way. She had to get dressed. He's Nick Haw by the way (he handles her the file and goes back onto the ambulance)

Teddy: ok… (she pushes the gurney in. Avery and Reed share amused looks) Mr. Haw? Can you hear me? (the man's eyes are fluttering but he does not answer). Ok… let's bring him in there (they enter a visit room. Teddy pulls the sheet away and she is thunderstruck. Reed was taking a cart, she turns around and lets the basin fall to the ground ashamed)

Reed: oh my God! (they all look really embarassed. The man is wearing sadomaso lingerie, appearently his wife's. His private parts are exposed. Teddy pulls the sheet back on again)

Teddy: I'm sorry… I didn't expect this.

Avery: me either.

Teddy: I'll call a nurse to… fix him (Teddy goes out)

Reed: that's why I decided not to be a nurse (Altman comes back with two nurses and gestures to the guys to go out. Avery lets out a nervous giggle. Teddy turns around)

Teddy: problems?

Avery: I'm sorry… I was just thinking he might be my father and… I couldn't help it. I'm sorry.

Teddy: I know this is a weird case but I invite you to be the more professional you can (the ER doors bang open and a woman enters screaming)

Woman: where is my husband? (Teddy notices the leather collar she is wearing and approaches her)

Teddy: excuse me madam…

Woman: yeah?

Teddy: are you Mr. Haw's wife?

Woman: yes, I'm. How is he?

Teddy: we are visiting him now. Wait there please. If I need to ask you something, I'll come to find you.

Woman: ok….

* * *

Mark and Jenna are sitting in a cionference room. The woman stubbornly avoids Mark's eyes. They hear a noise and turn around to find L.S. on the door. Lexie is behind her, holding the baby.

Jenna: honey (she gets up and hugs her daughter)… Are you fine? (she rubs her back and then kisses her on the cheek). I was so scared…

L.S. : I'm fine mum (she gets free of her grip. The woman notices the baby in Lexie's arms)

Jenna: oh my God… Is this my grandchild? (she gets closer and takes the baby from Lexie's arms). Hey… you're beautiful, you know that? (she is walking up and down the room holding the baby)

L.S.: why are you here? (Jenna looks up abruptly)

Jenna: excuse me?

L.S.: why are you here? You told me you didn't want to have anything elso to do with me. Why are you here then?

Jenna: honey… I was mad and I told you awful things. But when I got up the morning after and I found out you had left… I was worried. I started to look for you everywhere. I called your friends, hospitals… everything. And then I thought you might have come to look for him. It took me a lot to find you anyway. I went to New York and I was told you had moved to Seattle. I took the first flight. Why didn't you answer my messages?

L.S.: I was mad… for what you said to me.

Jenna: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

L.S.: you did (she starts crying). You did… You think I'm a slutty bitch and I deserve nothing more than ending up pregnant and alone. Maybe it's true. But I don't regret this (she takes the baby out of her arms)… I was afraid before but now… I'm not anymore. He helped me. When the baby turned out to be sick he brought me to Los Angeles to get me treated. Even he didn't know me. Even if I showed up here one morning to screw his life. It was you who were suppesed to do that. Go home. We'll take care of ourselves (she leaves bringing the baby away. Mark is getting up to follow her)

Lexie: I go… (she leaves)

Jenna: who the hell is that? Another daughter?

Mark: she is my girlfriend

Jenna: girlfriend? How old is she? Twenty five?

Mark: that's none of your business… What the hell happened to you?

Jenna: you happened to me… (she storms out of the room)

* * *

Cristina and Alex are in the cafeteria eating. Meredith joins them with a tray in her hands.

Meredith: hey…

Cristina: hi… I thought you were home.

Meredith: I'm done being home. I'm driving crazy. I came here this morning to talk to the chief but he dismissed me (she opens a sandwich).

Cristina: why?

Meredith: I don't know… I feel like they're hiding something from me but I don't get what. And why (Alex swallows, his eyes on the cafeteria)

Alex: Mercy Westerns come in peace… (Cristina looks up to find Reed and Avery standing in front of them)

Reed: can we? (her voice is shy and she looks afraid at Cristina. Meredith feels the tension)

Meredith: sure (Avery sits near her)

Avery: are you fine? (he squeezes her shoulder)

Meredith: a bit tired but fine. We should be at the end of the tunnel now (she bites her sandwich. Cristina and Alex look at each other and with a look Cristina invites Alex to talk)

Alex: Mer… (she looks up at him chewing) you know he'll have hard times for some time… I mean… he is pretty messed up (their eyes lock and Meredith puts her sandwich down)

Meredith: you know what? I'm done doing this.

Cristina: what?

Meredith: to have anybody in this damned hospital to patronize me, to talk to me like I was a freaking moron. I know he won't be at the top of his game for a lot of time. I've seen him crying for the pain when he was awake in the last days. But you know what? What is exausting me is that you all look at me like you knew something I don't know, like you had pity for me.

Alex: we are worried… (Meredith stands up)

Meredith: don't be. I'm done being the panda here. And, for the record, I'll go back to work in a few days. And I'll choose my specialty. Thank you for telling me by the way.

Cristina: Meredith (she leaves and Avery gets up)

Avery: I'll talk to her (he leaves too. Cristina hides her face in her hands)

Reed: she is a wreck… (Cristina stares at her). I mean… how could she not be? (Avery comes back and sits)

Avery: she has disappeared…

Cristina: I know where she is… I'll go (she leaves)

* * *

April is on the roof. She is staring at Seattle's skyline. The day is beautiful and she can't help thinking the first time she discovered this place. She was looking for Sheperd and she found him leaning on the railing, sudden gushes of wind ruffling his perfect hair. He had smiled at her saying this was one of his favourite spots. Because from there he could see his land. Since that day, she had always checked up there when she needed him. And now… she needs him. Almost two weeks from their last encounter. She is almost going crazy. He needs supp and she can not be there. Suddenly she hears the door slamming shut and turns around to see noone else than Meredith Grey coming to the railing. She is walking with her eyes to the ground to avoid the cold wind. When she looks up and notices her, they are so near they could touch. A hint of surprise paints Meredith's features. But April can't find anything else. Nor anger, not fear. Just tiredness.

Meredith: hi (she goes leaning against the railing)

April: hi… are you ok?

Meredith: I guess I'm. And you? (April is taken aback by the question. Meredith turns to meet her eyes) I haven't seen you around in the last days.

April: I took some day off.

Meredith: he is gonna be fine… Derek…. He's gonna be ok. You care about him and…. Even if I didn't like your behaviour, the stealing and the kissing…. I'm not mad at you (she looks down to the city). How could I? I love him more than my life… How could I blame you? (April is silent. At the same moment, Owen is stepping up the stairs. He hears a noise behind him, he looks two floors down to see Cristina rising as well. He stops and waits for her)

Owen: hey….

Cristina: hi… (Cristina is lightly out of breath). What are you doing up here?

Owen: looking for my resident… Kepner…. I was told she came up here…

Cristina: Meredith is there too (the smile curling Owen's lips becomes a grimace of worry. He starts to jump the steps) What…. (she follows him. Owen's heart skips a beat when he slams the door open to see April and Meredith leaning together near the railing)

Owen: Dr. Kepner! (the two girls turn around to look at him) Dr. Kepner! (he gets closer) I've been paging you for half an hour. Our patient is coming. Move (he gestures her to go away and she does. On the door they meet Cristina, a puzzled look on her face. April starts to go down, Ctristina stops Owen)

Cristina: what the hell is going on?

Owen: nothing… (she tightens the grip on his wrist) Not now, ok? Let go of me (she leaves him and approaches Meredith who, from down there, has seen the whole scene)

Meredith: is he fine?

Cristina: yes… Look… I'm sorry for not telling you about the forms. But you were worried about Derek and I didn't think it was the right timing for you.

Meredith: you are right… I'm sorry I yelled but… I'm trying to yelling out.

Cristina: do you really think to come back to work soon?

Meredith: yes… I think Derek will agree too (Cristina pager beeps)

Cristina: I need to go.

Meredith: I stay here some more.

* * *

Avery and Reed are back in the ER. Teddy is there with their patient.

Teddy: hey…. Take a look here… (she handles some papers to the residents)

Reddy: hormones are on the roof…

Avery: and testosterone too. Blue pills?

Reed: do you mean like viagra?

Avery: yeah… Am I right Dr. Altman?

Teddy: I think you are. And the symptoms match. The problem is that the heart doesn't want to go back to pump normally. He'll need a bypass. Is the wife still outside?

Reed: I think I've seen her two minutes ago.

Teddy: ok… Avery… just stay here with him. Reed… come with me… (Teddy notices the puzzled look on Avery's face). It's nothing personal and you did nothing wrong. I'm gonna ask that woman very personal questions and I think she could be more at her ease with two female doctors.

Avery: sure (the two women go out. Teddy enters the waiting room and sees the patient's wife. Also the woman sees them and immediately gets closer)

Woman: how is he?

Teddy: he is stable at the moment but I need to ask you some questions (she looks around. The room is full of people. She takes the woman's arm and brings her in a conference room) I know this is a very private argument but… does your husband take arousing pills?

Woman: excuse me?

Teddy: viagra or something like that?

Woman: no… he doesn't need that. Oh my God… you think we are some kind of weirdo, perverts, don't you? I know it was embarassing what we were doing. But we are good people, we were just trying to find new ways to pleasure each others and… Nick has never taken drugs or pills to raise its…. Excitement.

Teddy: ok… but his heart is working too fast. That's why I asked you. We need to take him into surgery.

Woman: what for?

Teddy: to make a bypass. Or he risks a stroke (the woman is crying and nods). You have to sign this consent (she signs the form without even reading it. Teddy pats her on the shoulder and the two doctors go out) I hate this…

Reed: what?

Teddy: the lying

Reed: do you think she lies?

Teddy: no. He is. Men are so stupid… They prefer dying than admitting their … stuff does not work properly anymore (they enter the visit room and burst out laughing) I can't believe I said this…

Avery: what?

Reed: men are stupid…

* * *

Cristina and Alex meet outside Derek's room. They look in to see Webber and Bailey standing in front of the bed.

Cristina: sir…

Alex: has he woken up yet?

Webber: no… but I think we are near.

Bailey: we should change the dressing

Webber: you know the protocol… Page me when he is awake. I'll give you a hand. Meredith?

Cristina: she was on the roof with Kepner…

Bailey: what? (her eyes grow wider istantly. Cristina is stunned)

Cristina: and Hunt took her away with him (Bailey seems to relax stat). Ok… enough with the bullshit and the Nazi thing…. What is your problem with her?

Richard: there is no problem, Dr. Yang.

Cristina: that's what Hunt told me. What he didn't tell me is why he grew pale when I told him Meredith and April were together. Alone. So, can someone tell me what the hell is the problem? (Webber looks down at Bailey and he is about to talk when a muffled cough catches their attention. Richard looks at Derek and finds him struggling to take the tube out of his throat. He goes closer and takes his hands).

Richard: hey… slow down. I'll do this, ok? (Derek blinks once). Do you remember last time? Your throat will burn and you'll cough. It will hurt and I'll keep you still. No panic, ok? (Derek blinks once more, then closes his eyes waiting). On my three… One, two, three (he pulls the tube out and a groan escapes Derek's lips. He pants trying to catch air. A single cough shakes his body, he closes his eyes and stays still)

Alex: he passed out…

Richard: that's why I didn't want to take him out of the coma (he passes a hand on his sculp in frustration)

Bailey: is everything ready?

Cristina: yes… (a thick silence fills the room. Alex sits on the couch with Webber, Bailey is pacing. Cristina is sitting on the bed. Derek's fingers move) He is coming back… (she gets up and lets Webber comes closer)

Richard: Derek… (he lays a hand on his forehead) Derek, it's me. Richard. Can you hear me?

Derek: I'm not a deaf (his voice comes out a whisper). Meredith?

Cristina: she is fine. And McPeanut too.

Derek: What happened?

Richard: you fainted…

Derek: that I know… surgery…

Richard: it was far more complicated than expected. You gave us a hard time. But I promised…. And you are here (Derek finally brings the room into focus, he touches his chest and feels bandages covering his whole thorax)

Derek: did you… (a grimace of pain contorts his features, he breaths out loudly). I'm sorry…

Bailey: about what? Being a chatty, arrogant, boring neuro surgeon? (he smiles and hides his face with both hands)

Derek: don't get me laugh, please… I don't think I'll survive it (Bailey sits on the bed and strokes his arm)

Bailey: it's good to see you awake (a tear rolls down her cheek)

Derek: thank you (his arms are shaking)

Richard: we need to control the incisions now. Do you feel for it?

Derek: I'll try (he lets his arms fall on the bed. His breath is hollow and his eyes are prickling. Richard pulls the sheet down to his waist. Derek catches Cristina's look on him) Do you want to see more? (a grin curls his lips. But even moving his facial muscles seems to cause pain and the smile becomes a grimace)

Cristina: no, thank you. It's just that Meredith always praises your skills and I wanted to make sure everything is still on its place.

Alex: even if, for my sleeping, I'd rather it was not… (they both laugh)

Baikey: these residents don't respect you that much, Sheperd…

Derek: I accept this only because they are Meredith's friends (he winces and breaths out). But… do you mind to go out now, please? (Cristina and Alex are lightly surprised, but Webber nods and they go out)

Richard: is everything fine, Derek?

Derek: yes… but I'm on the verge of passing out again and I'm trying to keep some dignity here (cold sweat covers his forehead, his arms are shaking).

Richard: I take this away… ok? (he pulls the bandages away. A hint of nausea hits Richard's throat to see the red marks on Derek's chest. Sheperd tries to lift a bit but a sharp pain flares down his broken ribs up. He groans and Richard pushes him down) What the hell are you trying to do? (Derek is out of breath and paler if possbile)

Derek: taking a look….

Bailey: you'll have time for it. Now rest (he swallows, all his strengh drained away by the ineffectual trial to lift his head an inch up. He feels new bandages covering his incisions. Stiches sting his skin. Alex and Cristina come back in). Tomorrow we'll take the first surgery stitching out.

Derek: I can't wait

Richard: Karev and Yang will stay here with you. Don't try anything studip Derek (he approaches the two residents) No conversation, no movements. I'll send Meredith here (he turns to leave)

Cristina: sir… what about before?

Richard: forget it. Trust me. We'll talk more later.

* * *

Hunt and Kepner are at the ambulance bay. The patient has not come yet and the road is silent too. April seems annoyed. Owen is trying his best to avoid her.

April: it wasn't fair.

Owen: what?

April: what you did up there… I did anything wrong.

Owen: maybe not today… but I suggest you to keep the distance from Meredith. And Sheperd too.

April: they don't seem to think the same.

Owen: because they don't know, you… I really can't believe how bald you are. Do you think if Meredith knew what you did, she'd talk to you?

April: you keep saying I did something but it's not true.

Owen: whatever helps you sleep at night, … (the ambulance appears. Ten seconds and the paramedic jumps out. Screams of pain fill the vehicle)

Paramedic: male, 24. Young pusher. The opposite gang caught him off his area and stabbed him several times (he pulls the stretcher out and handles the chart to April). Thight, stomach and left side. He lost a lot of blood (the guy is complaining). Have fun (Owen pushes the gurney in, April follows him in the visit room)

Owen: ok… what's your name?

Guy: what does it matter to you? Just do your job and give me somehing for pain… It's killing me…

Owen: we are in a hospital here. We don't treat strangers. Give me your name or I'll send you back on the road.

Guy: I'm Phil. And who are you?

Owen: I'm Dr. Hunt (the guy seems thoughtful)

Phil: Dr. Hunt… I read your name two weeks ago on the newspaper. Your Chief of I don't remember what was attacked here. Someone got him taste the bitter edge of metal. He looked a nice guy. I'm sorry.

April: he is alive

Owen: Dr. Kepner… help me here (she gets closer to the patient, Phil stares at her)

Phil: who is he, your boyfriend? (April looks at him scared)

Owen: I wouldn't talk if I was you.

Phil: why not, it's funny. She is blushing… The girls I know don't blush. It's cute… And I guess he fucked you… the chief… (April drops the syringue she was holding. Owen looks at him straight in the eyes)

Owen: okay dude… It's last warn I give you. Shut up. You have three open wounds which are bleeding badly. Your pressure is dropping and you need to lay still if you don't want to lose a leg.

Phil: what?

Owen: that stab nicked your femoral artery. You need surgery, immediately. So, shut up and let us prep you if you don't want to die here (Phil looks scared and gets silent. April seems to be in a haze). Dr. Kepner… you were pushing morphine… Do it (she gets closer to Phil and inserts the needle in his arm)

* * *

Teddy, Reed and Avery are in the OR.

Teddy: crap… look at this artery…

Avery: it's almost closed up…

Teddy: how would you procede?

Reed: inserting stents to free the coronaries and the bypass?

Teddy: yes… but? (Reed keeps being silent)

Avery: you can't do that now. You have to make the bypass and, then, another surgery for stents.

Teddy: right… Because stents…

Reed: are a laparoscopic surgery.

Teddy: fine… You don't like cardio that much, do you?

Reed: I do but… at Mercy West the attending wasn't good at all.

Teddy: what do you mean?

Avery: he was jeaulous of his job. Afraid that if he taught someone else, that guy would have stolen his spot.

Reed: unfortunately for him the merger did all this.

Teddy: it's sad. I love this job… but it's all about saving people. If someone could do it better, I'd set apart (they stay silent for some time) Have you already picked your specialties? (Avery and Reed share a look). What, do you think I'll go around waving it?

Avery: no, of course not… I thought to go for General…

Reed: and I thought to pick trauma…

Teddy: thank you for your consideration…

Reed: I'm not in cardio as I told you before. And then…

Teddy: then?

Reed: the spot is already taken…

Teddy: is it? Thank you for telling me that. The chief asked me to analize every form with interest but… since games are over… (she looks up, an annoyed look on her face). Do you know why Dr. Yang will finally get what she wants? Because she works hard and never says no. You ask her to go to the morgue and she goes, you ask her for a transplant and she is ready. I know you come from a different hospital… Maybe your teachers were not that good but… seriously… you have to fight to become a surgeon. And when you date attendings… you have to work even more to show that you deserve it better.

* * *

Meredith is going out from women's toilet when she hears a sigh. She turns around and realizes the souns comes from a cubicle.

Meredith: hey… is everything fine in there? (she gets no answer) Ok… seriously… I don't wall to call secutiry to have you out of the cubicle (after some second the door opens and L.S. comes out with the baby. She has just stopped crying). Hey… you are…

L.S.: Sloan's daughter

Meredith: and this must be his grandchild… (she gets closer) Congratulations….

L.S.: thank you… (L.S. recognizes Meredith). You are my dad's best friend's wife…

Meredith: yeah… Meredith (she stretches her hand and the girl takes it)

L.S.: I know he is better. Dad is so relieved…

Meredith: so am I… Why are you here, in a toilet, crying?

L.S.: my mum came here. And she hates me.

Meredith: why do you say that?

L.S.: because it's what she told me. I'm just a slut who ended up pregnant.

Meredith: it looks a lot like my story… And my mum used to tell me awful things too…

L.S.: how? You are a doctor, you're beautiful…

Meredith: the problem is that we are not good enough for some people. Whatever we do. And sometimes our parents try to make us different from them. And when they don't succeed, the hurt us.

L.S.: I don't get it.

Meredith: my mum was a very talented surgeon. She fell in love with a married collegue and screwed her family and carreer for that. So,when I told her I was going to be a doctor, she was not that happy. She tried to raise me indipendent and lonely. So that, one day, between work and love, I'd have chosen work. But it didn't go this way. I fell for a married man too. And what she believed were my strentghs became my weaknesses. I was sentimentally immature, I was in love but I couldn't be loved back. So… not a great work from her.

L.S.: my mum… she loves me. It's just that she raised me alone and…. probably…. She didn't want this for me. She didn't want me to end up pregnant and alone like she did. And I get it but…

Meredith: you chose to keep him. And you were very brave, I don't know if I'd have done it. Just give her some more time. And she'll be proud of you (Meredith goes out and crosses Lexie on the door)

Lexie: L.s….. you are here… I've been looking for you… wherever. Your parents are worried. Please… let's go.

* * *

Owen and April are in the OR. Richard goes in.

Richard: Dr. Hunt…

Hunt: Chief…. (April's eyes jump towards him)

April: Chief?

Richard: yeah… are you not ok with that?

April: I am… (she looks down)

Richard: how is it going?

Hunt: good… I could stop the beeding in the thight. Now I'm stiching these wounds up (he looks up at April) Do you want to go on, Dr. Kepner?

April: excuse me? (Hant handle her the tools)

Hunt: finish…

April: I…. can't

Hunt: why? You are at the second year of your residency… You should pick a specialty in a few days. You should be able to stitch up an organ by now.

April: I am, but…

Hunt: do it then… (he stares at her. She lays her eyes down and starts to sew) And talk to me… What do you see?

April: the stab has caused the laceration of the inferior part of the stomach. There was no exit of acids and juices so we can define the wound minor. The patient will recover in two weeks, if there are no complications. He will have to follow a liquid diet for one month after he leaves the hospital.

Hunt: good… are you done?

April: almost

Hunt: see you later in the conference room. Twenty minutes I'd say. And don't lose yourseld around (he goes out from the OR and Webber follows him in the scrub room. He waits till the sliding door closes)

Webber: Dr. Hunt…. What was this about?

Owen: nothing… it's just that she has been playing with my nerves the whole day. She complains about the fact that we babysit her and just… she doesn't understand. She doesn't get what she has done. I found her on the roof with Meredith at lunch time…

Webber: Yang told me…

Owen: I just don't understand how she can pretend so well… where she finds the nerve to talk to Meredith when she tried to convince Mr. Greene to kill her… I (he rakes a hand through his hair)

Webber: I don't know that either… I know it's stressing but we need to keep the control of the situation. The other residents suspect something and I can't let any rumor arrive to Derek or Meredith yet.

Owen: is he awake?

Webber: in and out… Keep it quiet, Owen (he pats his shoulder and goes out. April arrives in the scrub room. She starts washing her hands)

April: what did you try to teach me in there?

Owen: trauma surgery. It's what I do (he slams the door behind his back and walks quickly down the corridor till Derek's room. He enters quickly. Bailey and Cristina are there) Hey… (unease is painted on his face)

Bailey: are you ok?

Owen: sure… How is our special patient doing? (he gets closer to the bed and sits down, squeezing Derek's hand)

Derek: fine… when I don't breathe (pain is stressing him)

Bailey: we are arranging the morphine pump control. Two minutes and I'll give it to you.

Derek: I'm not going to turn myself into a drug addict.

Owen: ehi… it's just for the first hours. You need to rest. And I don't think it'll be that easy like this (Derek is sweating and shaking)

Derek: I just need Meredith

Cristina: she is coming.

Bailey: but Derek… seriously… you'll scare her. You need to relax… and to rest.

Derek: even Owen here needs it… And I don't think he'll shoot up of morphine

Cristina: I'll take care of him (Cristina smiles and Owen smiles back)

Owen: you see? I have my private nurse (he smirks and Meredith goes in)

Derek: me too (she gets closer and bends to kiss him on the lips)

Meredith: you ok?

Derek: yes… (Cristina coughs)

Meredith: what?

Bailey: nothing… he is being his usual "he". Stubborn and hard nosed.

Meredith: why?

Derek: just because I don't want to drown myself in painkillers… And then, you know, morphine is dangerous. I know someone who started to reveal her barest secrets under it (Cristina laughs)

Cristina: that was fun!

Meredith: shut up… But you don't have any, right?

Derek: no more secrets wives… I swear (Bailey stands up with a commander in her hand. She puts it in Derek's hand)

Bailey: here you go… We leave you alone. Grey… bring sense into him (they say hi and go to the door. Cristina stops)

Cristina: uhm… Mer…

Meredith: what?

Cristina: no hospital sex, ok?

Derek: get the hell out of here (Meredith giggles and follow their frames down the corridor. She looks down to Derek, he is pale and sweating. She strokes his hair)

Meredith: I'm sorry… Tell me what I can do…

Derek: tell me something… It distracts me (she sits on the chair and takes his hand)

Meredith: so… I have to pick my specialty in one month…

Derek: one month? I thought it was now. I had letters arranged myself.

Meredith: the chief gave us some more time. And he is waiting for you.

Derek: for me?

Meredith: what… you thought Shadow Sheperd could deal with this?

Derek: poin taken (Meredith giggles and she starts to talk. From outside the room Webber check on them. Even from there, he can see Derek is relaxing. Bailey stops by)

Bailey: he doesn't want more morphine.

Richard: I know… but that is his morphine (Bailey looks in and Derek is smiling at Meredith. His hand on her belly. She smiles and turns her head to Richard. At the end of the corridor, she sees April staring at the door and then going away)

Bailey: how did it go with Kepner?

Richard: she hardly tested Hunt's patience. She is… oblivious…

Bailey: chief… (their eyes lock) I know you think we can handle this situation… you are far more experienced than me…

Richard: but?

Bailey: do you think it is safe and wise that April can go near Meredith whenever she wants? Grey suspects nothing. When Yang told me they have found them together alone… I was…

Richard: scared? I was too. And finally, you are right. I'm sorry to put more stress on them but… I'll talk to them.

Bailey: and Yang too?

Richard: why?

Bailey: because she is the best bodyguard Meredith could have (Richard nods and leaves. Bailey looks in the room for the last time. Derek and Meredith are both sleeping)

* * *

Teddy and her residents are in Mr. Haw's room. The man is awakening from his surgery.

Teddy: Mr. Haw? Can you hear me? (he looks confused)

Haw: where am I?

Teddy: you are at SG hospital. You were admitted for heart problems. Do you remember you felt sick?

Haw: I… (he passes a hand on his forehead. Remembers strike his mind and a blush of embarassement paints his face). Oh my God… I was… with my wife… and I…. Did they bring me here like that?

Teddy: you don't need to worry… we are trained…

Haw: to what? To middle aged men wearing female sadomaso lingerie? Oh my God… What happened?

Teddy: you had a stroke… for the pills you swallowed (the man's eyes go wide)

Haw: Did you tell her?

Teddy: no… but you should. You were lucky, Mr. Haw. We made a bypass but you'll need another surgery to free your coronaries (he breaths out). There is no shame in having an active and fanciful sexual life… but you need to take care of yourself. The coronary problems may have caused the problems in… the impotence. Once fixed that, you can do whatever you want. Just… hear me out… tell her.

Haw: can you do it please?

Teddy: I…

Haw: here… I won't ask you to tell my wife by yourself… but….

Teddy: ok (she gestures Reed to call his wife. She goes and after one minute the two women come back together. Haw's wife runs to hug him)

Wife: honey… are you ok? (she kisses him)

Teddy: he is. The surgery went good. But he'll have to endure another one (Haw's wife looks at her).

Wife: why?

Teddy: his coronaries are almost closed up. We need to insert some stent to let the blood flow normally (Teddy looks at Mr. Haw's and he nods). That's what may have caused his impotence lately (Teddy drops her look to the floor)

Wife:impotence? What are you, kidding? Because I don't think it's professional to take fun of patients.

Haw: she is not… (her wife looks down at him)

Teddy: what I was trying to say is that your husband today had a stroke. This was probably caused by the pills he was getting to… raise his sexual…

Wife: wait… are you saying that he was taking VIAGRA?

Haw: I was… (she turns down to him) I'm sorry honey… I realized I had problems lately and I didn't want to disappoint you… I thought it was because of stress and… I was ashamed to tell you…

Wife: Nick…. How could you think that? We could have had a break… But you were so passionate lately that… I was afrais to fail you.

Haw: wait… do you want to tell me that you wore like that (he points to the collar) that to pleasure me?

Wife: I did… (they burnst out laughing) We are two stupid… (they kiss and then look at Teddy) I'm sorry… I really embarassed you all.

Teddy: we are not (she smiles but her cheeks are really red and blushed). We leavethe two of you alone now…. Have a good night sleep (she turns around and leaves. Reed and Avery follow her. She bumps her fist in her forehead)

Reed: are you ok, Dr. Altman?

Teddy: sure… but that the most humiliating speech I've ever had with a patient in all my carreer.

Avery: you managed it good (Teddy looks at him bewildered)… the case I mean (his cheeks blush too)

Teddy: got you! (she laughs and leaves them there. Reed is laughing too)

Reed: you should see your face right now…

* * *

Owen is laying in an on call room. It's dark and silent. Cristina enters the door.

Cristina: hey… you're here…

Owen: I was taking a nap… trying to.

Cristina: are you ok? You looked stressed… (she sits on the bed, near him)

Owen: just a bad day…

Cristina: did you lose a patient?

Owen: no… I just had a boy from a local band. Stabbed. I saved him…

Cristina: do you want to tell me what went into you this morning, on the stairs? You look frightened… (she strokes his thight. The door opens and Bailey comes in. Cristina takes her hand away)

Bailey: you don't need to do it…

Cristina: what?

Bailey: the non girlfriend thing (Miranda stares down at Owen). You can tell her…

Owen: excuse me?

Bailey: even the chief agrees… we need more eyes wide open… You can tell her. You need it (she sits on the opposite bed) I didn't think a day with her could crush you like that.

Owen: I didn't think it either (he rakes a hand in his hair)

Cristina: ok.. what are you talking about? Has it something to do with the lame ass loser?

Owen: who?

Cristina: Kepner… why are you all on her? And don't deny it…

Owen: ok (he shares a look with Miranda who nods. He stands up sitting near Cristina). How much can I tell her?

Bailey: all that you feel up to (he breaths out and Bailey stands up) Just… don't do anything stupid, Yang (she leaves the room and closes the door)

Owen: after Derek's first surgery the police called us. They asked a lot of questions and had us point out possible suspects. We had two. Mr. Greene and an old patient of his. Mr. Greene had an alibi at first and Alex… excluded it could be the other.

Cristina: I don't understand… how could he do that? (Owen looks at her and then his eyes drift away)

Owen: promise that what I'm going to say to you will stay here… (she nods) There was a camera in the elevator.

Cristina: what?

Owen: it recorded the whole scene and we had to look at it (Owen flinches at the memory). That's the first secret I was keeping from you.

Cristina: and the second? You said Greene had an alibi… Why did they arrest him then?

Owen: his alibi was that he signed in a rehab program the day Derek was attacked. His doctor signed him in the whole afternoon. But she lied…

Cristina: she? (Cristina processes the information she is getting) Kepner? Why? (Owen avoids her eyes once more)

Owen: she… I…. (their eyes lock for a moment). There is not a good way to say this: she met Greene that day. He was furious to Derek and she got afraid. And to protect him… if we can say so…. she tried to convince him that his wife's death was… Meredith's fault.

Cristina: what?

Owen: he went after her but… at the last moment… he didn't hurt her and…. waited for Derek instead (she stands up processing things)

Cristina: do they know?

Owen: not yet…

Cristina: why the hell is that psyco bitch still here?

Owen: the board wants an official charge to fire her. And this won't happen for a while (Cristina goes to the door but Owen stands up and blocks it stretching an arm)

Cristina: let me go out…. (she tries to open) let me go out! (she turns around and she is crying. Owen hugs her)

Owen: I'm sorry I had to tell you this but… Bailey is right. We need to stay calm and play smart.

Cristina: play? This isn't a game, Owen! How can I work with someone who wanted to kill my best friend?

Owen: like I did tiday… Breathing in and out. All we need to care now is Meredith's safeness. And the reason why we told you is that you need to help us, ok? (she nods)

* * *

_There are days which seem to drag eternally…_

(Owen and Cristina leave the hospital together)

_And moments which blow away like a blink._

(Derek and Meredith are asleep, hand in hand)

_Our life can be a wing beat or an everlasting fight._

_The truth is that we need to settle a compromise between our inner time and the real one._

_As if we don't do that… life leaves us behind._


	13. CUTTING WORDS

**Cutting words**

* * *

_During the first year of internship you learn to know surgical instruments: aracnoid knives, ten blades and the king of the OR… scalpel._

_You watch them shining under the white lights, you imagine how they would feel on the patient's skin. You shiver when you make the first cut…_

_But then you realize they are not that scary: they become your best friends, your third hand._

_Words…. Words are the really knives…._

* * *

(Meredith is in the locker lounge, she is changing into her scrubs. Cristina comes in and eyes her suspiciously)

Cristina: hey… back to work?

Meredith: I'm trying to (she is tying her pants and never looks up)

Cristina: are you ok?

Meredith: Derek sent me working… I guess I'm not that good in the sick thing.

Cristina: maybe he just wanted you to distract yourself, to take your life back (Meredith is fixing her hair in a pony tail). Mer…

Meredith: I know it Cristina but… I feel guilty…. (she looks up)

Cristina: why?

Meredith: 'cause I'm back at work and happy (she puts a hand on her belly) and he is lying there. In pain and bored to death.

Cristina: he needs space. Just like you. You went through hell together. Now you need to relax. Both of you. You can't stay stuck there anymore. You'll end up fighting. And trying to make up with sex. Now… not good for him (Meredith giggles). Even if… I'd like to see Webber running into the room and finding you naked.

Meredith: that would be an old story… (a smirk appears on Meredith's lips)

Cristina: what? Did you already show him your ass?

Meredith: once… he entered Derek's trailer without knocking… (a grimace paints Cristina's face)

Cristina: to make it shorter… who hasn't seen it yet? (Meredith thinks)

Meredith: the new entries…. Robbins… and I don't think she is interested…. Altman and Owen

Cristina: enough? Torres?

Meredith: she caught us in a closet together. Derek had his still his pants down…

Cristina: and Bailey?

Meredith: she was the first to catch us… In Derek's car…

Cristina: seriously?

Meredith: yeah… but you were the only one to arrange a strip for your was-to-be mother in law (Cristina's cheeks blush in remember). So don't preach me, you fatal lady

Cristina: ok… this round…. is yours (they leave the locker room and join the others at the nurses station)

* * *

Richard enters Derek's room to find him alone. His eyes are closed and Webber sits near the bed.

Derek: you should make some gym, you know… Your breathe could awake a dead (he opens his eyes and rubs them)

Richard: you're lighthearted this morning… Good night sleep?

Derek: less worse than the previous…

Richard: you are still refusing morphine (Derek lifts his hand, he is holding the controller)

Derek: I'd not say that… I just want to be able to feel… myself (he sets a hand on his chest and pats it)

Richard: if you were one of your patient, what would you prescribe yourself?

Derek: painkillers. I could not oblige a patient to stand the pain. But I can choose it myself.

Richard: right…. So Meredith is back to work this morning…

Derek: she needs to stay out of here. To live her life and distract. Just…

Richard: take an eye on her… Consider it done…

Derek: thanks (a light smile curls Derek's lips)

Richard: we are taking you down for a CT this morning. We'll control possible residual bleedings and, if everything is ok, we'll take the first surgery stitching out (Derek nods). Do you want me to keep residents out of your case?

Derek: no… I don't want to bother you and have you doing things a nurse could do. Just… not Meredith ok?

Richard: sure… Is there anything else I can do for you?

Derek: I'm fine (he rakes a hand in his hair and then stills, his arm is lightly shaking. Richard stands up). Go, I guess you're busy…

Richard: yeah…. Traffic controller…

Derek: excuse me?

Richard: I'm busy the whole day to keep a crowd of people out of here. Nurses, doctors, surgeons, staff… The office is stuck of flowers, candies and gifts for you… Let me know when you feel up for some visit… I want to get rid of them all (Derek laughs and immediately flinches).

Derek: who bought me candies? (Richard exhales and looks to the ceiling)

Richard: Dr. Nelson… (Derek laughs again, a pain throbs through his ribs and chest, he closes his eyes and then opens them, they are watering)

Derek: crap… there's a reason they call him Shadow Sheperd after all…

Richard: yes… such a brain man… We are bad without you Shep… (he closes the door)

* * *

Bailey is at the ER. The residents join her.

Bailey: good morning everybody

Residents: good morning

Bailey: and welcome back, Dr. Grey. So…. Grey and Avery, you're with Sloan. Yang… Altman is waiting for you upstairs. Kepner with Hunt.

April: again? (all the residents look at her)

Bailey: every day I tell you. Criticize my choices again and I'll stuck you in the pit forever. Karev and Reed, you are with me and the chief. Move (the guys turn around to leave). Dr. Grey… (Meredith stops). I know you are fine and ready and perfectly good but take it easy today.

Meredith: I'll do.

Bailey: I'll take Sheperd to have a CT in an hour… (Meredith looks puzzled at her) Just if you go into his room and he is not there…

Meredith: sure… (she smiles and goes looking for Sloan. She joins Avery in the corridor. He is already in front of the elevator. He smiles at her)

Avery: so you're back in the fight club.

Meredith: yep… Tell me some gossip, please. I need to breath the air of the hospital again (the doors open and they go in)

Avery: well… no great news to be true. Reed and Cristina don't smell each other. April was… kind of ghost (Meredith throws him a knowing look). I think she was really in the "I'm the chief's personal assistant" thing.

Meredith: too much in I'd say…

Avery: yes… I'd say that too. You don't seem disappointed anyway.

Meredith: I'm still in Whoville, you know? (she smirks) And finally, I had worse problems than April jumping Derek…

Avery: jumping?

Meredith: she tried to kiss him

Avery: she what? (Meredith laughs)

Meredith: excuse me but… you were supposed to tell me juicy gossips.

Avery: how can I if you know the best tips? You cheat…

Meredith: I don't (door open and Mark is outside)

Avery: you so are a cheater (he pats Meredith's shoulder smiling)

Sloan: hope you're not, Grey. I don't work with cheaters (he turns around and leaves. Both Meredith and Avery look at him puzzled)

* * *

April finds Hunt drinking a coffee in the cafeteria. She approaches his table and lingers there, standing. Owen is reading a newspaper when a shadow enters his field of view. He looks up to see her.

Hunt: Good morning (he smiles and goes back reading)

April: good morning…

Hunt: do you plan to sit or you want to stay there the whole morning? (he talks without looking up and April sits. He goes on reading and she seems embarrassed)

April: excuse me sir?

Hunt: mmm?

April: did you ask me on your service to get me read the news?

Hunt: no… But this news caught my eye (he turns the paper towards her and points out an article. April looks down)

April: it talks about the gangster boy…

Hunt: yes… it looks like he is kind of celebrity down here. Anyway… You are with me today because you need to check on him.

April: excuse me?

Hunt: do you think we had already dismissed him?

April: of course not…

Hunt: so… which can be our majors concerns about his health?

April: infections?

Hunt: good… and?

April: we need to run blood tests to exclude them (Hunt stands up)

Owen: I'll follow you

* * *

Lexie is at the clinic. There are a lot of people, most of them with flu and colds. She opens the curtain and finds a person sitting on the bed. His face is completely covered by a scarf. He looks young. Lexie is puzzled.

Lexie: hey…

Boy: hi…

Lexie: how can I help you?

Boy: I heard this is a free clinic… where you give advices and… information.

Lexie: it is.

Boy: are you a doctor?

Lexie: yes, I'm Dr. Grey. And you are? (she invited him to talk with a glare)

Boy: Ben…

Lexie: how old are you?

Ben: I'm 14

Lexie: ok… are you fine? Or… sick?

Ben: what kind of question is that? If I was fine, I'd not be here.

Lexie: yes… you're right. That was stupid… So… (they boy looks around, he seems scared of all the people in the room. His eyes cast to the floor. Lexie realizes he is not at ease and closes the curtain) You don't need to pay attention to other patients. Just tell me what's wrong… (the boy slowly pulls the scarf away from his face. He is defaced by the worse acne Lexie has ever seen)

Ben: is this normal? I mean… I know it's not. My friends are not like that. I can't live anymore now. I am ashamed to show my face. My family doctor says it's my age, it's normal but…. Is it?

Lexie: it could be. Or not. Let me take a look (she puts her gloves on and examines the boy's face. She touches him and he flinches) Does it hurt?

Ben: it… throbs. Sometimes.

Lexie: ok… I'll take some blood and run some test. Wait here (she stands up and disappears behind the curtain. She is back two minutes later with a syringe and a test tube. She puts the kace on Ben's arm) Here we go (she fills the tube). I'll take this to the lab. It will take a couple of hours. Can you wait here?

Ben: yes (Lexie stands up and opens the curtain) Can you just… (Lexie smiles and closes the curtain hiding Ben from the rest of the clinic)

* * *

Bailey, Reed and Alex have wheeled Derek to the CT. The residents are with Derek while Bailey is at the control room. Webber arrives too.

Richard: Bailey, have you already started?

Bailey: not yet… The journey down here was quite long (a frown appears on Richard's face) A little crowd was waiting for us, just to say hi and it took a lot to come down here (from the interphone Alex speaks)

Alex: can I let him in?

Bailey: yes… and Sheperd?

Derek: uhm?

Bailey: don't play tricks in there. I'm too old for these scares (she closes the interphone and Reed and Alex come in)

Alex: sir…

Reed: Chief (Richard nods in response. Images appear on the screen. All stare carefully)

Richard: everything looks fine.

Bailey: yes… just some under skin hematoma.

Alex: will they absorb by themselves?

Richard: it's possible… we are not going to operate on them now. The lung is still crushed.

Bailey: there was blood on the sac this morning.

Alex: it sucks to breathe with only a lung…

Bailey: especially when you're full of stitches and it hurts everywhere…

Richard: let's start to take the first stitches out then. One step at a time (he gestures to the two residents and they go out)

Bailey: when do you plan to tell him about Kepner?

Richard: I should do it today… Lewis called me even this morning. They want to come here. I hoped I could do it in a few days… It seems too early… for Meredith too.

Bailey: is there really anything we can do? I mean… how the board can think we can deal with this situation?

Richard: that's what I told them. But a lot of workers have already sued us for mobbing. They don't want another one. Another one of my mistakes weights on Derek… (Richard looks around)

Bailey: have you told him?

Richard: what?

Bailey: that the earth is round and the moon turns around… What the hell chief! That you are sorry, what else? (Webber stands up and leaves)

* * *

Avery, Meredith and Mark are in a laboratory. They are working with models of nose. Each one of them is making one. Meredith looks up, she blows moving a strand of her hair which had fallen on her eyes.

Meredith: what do you think? (Avery moves his chair backwards to see)

Avery: nice… French nose… And what about mine?

Meredith: it looks like… (she tilts her head aside) a thin line. Too thin for me.

Avery: thin is hot… (Meredith giggles and Mark fakes to cough. Both residents look at him)

Mark: this is not a freak show. We are making models so that our patient can choose the one she prefers.

Meredith: I know… and I'm done.

Avery: me too. I can't do better than this…

Mark: I'm almost done too… (he keeps working with his hummer). So… taking chance of the await… our patient is 23. She is hot and beautiful. But, apparently, she doesn't like her nose. And… (he puts the tools down) here is where I get into the scene (he takes his model and stands up). Let's go (he goes out without waiting for them. They follow him in a room. The patient is really young and good looking)

Sloan: hey Silvia, how are you? (Her eyes are locked on Avery)

Silvia: fine, thanks. But I'll go better when I get rid of this (she points at her nose. Sloan comes closer with his model)

Sloan: speaking of what… do you like it? (the girl takes the model from Sloan's hands and looks at it)

Silvia: not bad… (Sloan is disappointed)

Sloan: that's all? Not bad?

Silvia: no… it's great… just over here (she points at the model) I'd like it thinner (she looks up at Mark who is stunned. He takes the model back and stands up)

Sloan: I'll do some corrections, ok? In the while Dr. Grey and Dr. Avery will take you to run some test (he goes out and Silvia sighes)

Silvia: all that you want… sexy (Meredith and Avery share a puzzled look and then go back looking at her)

* * *

Cristina finds Teddy in a conference room, the door is open but she knocks.

Cristina: good morning Dr. Altman. Bailey told me to come here.

Teddy: yes, sit down… (Cristina sees a lot of papers on the table). Webber met me this morning to deal with a very delicate situation. And I beg you to keep it private.

Cristina: sure… what is it about?

Teddy: Dr. Tappeley contacted Webber to express his fears about a situation going on in his hospital. He can't deal with it directly and asked us to do it. I said yes and so we are here. There were some suspect deaths and he wants to be on to.

Cristina: what do we have to do?

Teddy: have you ever taken a heart out?

Cristina: more than once…

Teddy: we'll do that. And then we'll run special tests on these hearts (she looks down to a file). Samples will be here in some hours… could you read this in the await?

Cristina: sure… (she takes the papers and starts to read. Teddy clears her throat)

Teddy: do you know how Webber and Tappeley know each other?

Cristina: I think they worked together… And when Tappeley found out he had a bad disease, he came here to have surgery.

Teddy: who was the surgeon then?

Cristina: Dr. Hann

Teddy: oh… I heard about her… She is good…. (she smiles) Go ahead reading now (she stands up and leaves)

* * *

Owen and April arrive in Phil's room. The guy is awake. He has handcuffs who secure him to the bed.

Owen: good morning…

Phil: fuck (Owen is taken aback by his harshness)

Owen: problems?

Phil: stitches suck. And I'm sore. Can I have more morphine?

Owen: Dr. Kepner… (she looks at him) Which are the actual doses (she takes the chart and reads it)?

April: 5 mg …

Owen: it should be enough… (he goes back talking to the guy)

Phil: it's not. Why don't you try this?

Owen: we'll see after the visit (he gets closer to the bed). We're going to check on your incisions now, ok? (he lifts the guy's gown. Even the guy is looking down). Dr. Kepner? (he gestures her to come closer. When she is at the opposite side of the bed, he invites her to run the visit). The patient is yours… (April stays there stunned and then reacts)

April: ok… (she touches Phil's abdomen and the guy flinches. She then puts a hand on his incision)

Phil: what the hell… you bitch! Be careful (he groans and April is scared by his reaction. She has taken her hands away)

Owen: ehi… First of all calm down your language. Secondly… be quiet. She is checking on you.

Phil: she hurts me…

Owen: the wounds hurt you. So try to stay the hell still and let her do her work (he invites April to resume her visit. Phil seems to accept it and lays down. She breaths out and then starts to touch the guy again. Hunt follows her hands till he notices something wrong on the patient and waits for her to say it)

April: everything seems ok (she looks up at Owen who reciprocates the glare doubtful)

Phil: It's not. It hurts like hell (Owen writes some note on the chart)

Owen: we'll come back later (he goes out and April follows him. He stops abruptly and turns around). Are you up for working today, Dr. Kepner?

April: excuse me?

Owen: are you up for working today?

April: yes, sir… I don't understand…

Owen: I don't understand how you could run your visit and then tell me everything is fine with him. His incision is infecting. Haven't you noticed how red it was?

April: I….

Owen: but you told me that our primary concern were infections so, my question is, are you blind or do you want to be somewhere else right now?

April: no sir… I want to do my job…

Owen: so do it… (she nods, ashamed) How do you want to proceed?

April: I'll take some blood test.

Owen: fine…. Just don't go in there alone. Call a nurse to help you. Page me when you're ready (he leaves)

* * *

Lexie picks up Ben's exams form the laboratory. She opens the envelope and starts reading while walking. She stops suddenly and Callie bumps into her (the exams fall down)

Lexie: oh… sorry (she leans to pick them up)

Callie: what are you doing stuck in the middle of the corridor?

Lexie: I was reading my patient's exams (she collects all the papers and stands up). Do you know where Dr. Robbins is? (Arizona appears behind Callie's back)

Arizona: right here… Can I help you?

Lexie: yeah… I have a guy in the clinic. He has a acne… I can even define how bad it is. I ran some tests and found out this… (she handles her the tests. Arizona takes them and reads. A frown on her forehead)

Arizona: how old is he?

Lexie: 14…

Arizona: uhm…

Lexie: it could be it, right?

Callie? It? What?

Lexie: the gland which does not work properly

Callie: what if he just has pimples?

Lexie: you haven't seen him. And the exams seem to confirm it.

Arizona: they do… Admit him (she gives her the papers back). I'll meet you upstairs (she smiles and leaves. Lexie walk in the other direction to the clinic)

* * *

Derek is back in his room. He is laying in his bed. Alex and Reed are taking the stitches out while Bailey is watching his scans. The ticking of the metallic clips in the basin fills the room. Derek has both the hands on his eyes.

Derek: how are the scans?

Bailey: you should not ask, Mr. Sheperd… (she turns around and sees him wincing) But I'll make an exception with you. No bleeding. Everything is quite good.

Derek: quite? What is not? (Bailey is silent) Come on… Bailey. I can survive… (Alex pulls out another staple and Derek flinches)

Bailey: it seems there is a little bone fragment going around… But I'd not care…

Derek: ribs?

Bailey: I think so… (she sits near his bed, he looks stressed. She takes the commander and pushes the supplying up. Derek notices it)

Derek: hey… what are you trying to do? Blowing my brain up? Slow it down.

Bailey: I won't. For ten minutes at least. Till those inters down there won't be done. You're in pain (Derek exhales and looks up)

Derek: what about my back? I can't feel nothing yet…

Bailey: I brought your scans to Dr. Nelson on our way back.

Derek: excuse me?

Bailey: relax Mr. Sheperd. Our head of neuro is on leave at the moment. Dr. Nelson will do his job (Derek smirks)

Derek: do you know what he bought me?

Bailey: who?

Derek: Dr. Nelson, the man who should be looking at my spine right now.

Bailey: he made you a gift? How nice form him…

Derek: yes… what a shame he bought me candies when I probably will have to be fed by I.V. for the next two months (Alex and Reed try to stay serious but then burst out laughing)

Bailey: you are mean… Taking fun of your Shadow with your residents.

Derek: do you think I'm kidding here?

Bailey: you're not? (Derek winces once more. Alex stops and looks up at him)

Alex: sorry…

Derek: it's fine…. (he exhales some times, his breath is frantic. But it finally goes back to normal. Alex looks back at Bailey and she nods. He resumes his work) So… can I see my spine scans?

Bailey: I'll go to take them (she stands up and leaves. The room is completely silent but for the ticking. Alex clears his throat)

Alex: can I ask you something? (he doesn't look at Derek)

Derek: I can try this…

Alex: that morning… in the kitchen… at breakfast… where you thinking of this when you asked me… (Reed is staring at him and he looks down to Derek's stomach)… you know (Derek rubs his eyes and closes his eyes)

Derek: no… I thought I had different problems then… They just look ridiculous now… (he flinches again and the guys go back to their work)

* * *

Meredith and Avery are back in the patient's room. The girl is reading a magazine.

Meredith: hi. Everything fine?

Silvia: yes, thank you. Dr. Sloan?

Meredith: he will be here in a while. He was doing his best on your model (she points to her nose)

Silvia: your nose is beautiful. I'd like mine to become the same (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: say it to my husband… It'd be cute but I snore like a tractor (Silvia laughs, Meredith turns serious). Can I ask you something?

Silvia: sure…

Meredith: why a girl like you, beautiful, almost perfect, feels the need to endure a plastics surgery?

Silvia: because I'm not that cute. This is the fourth surgery I have

Meredith: oh…

Silvia: boobs, belly and buttocks (Avery and Meredith stare at her bewildered) Have you ever fell for someone and seen that this person doesn't consider you as you're not his type?

Meredith: no… but I don't think you should change your body to meet someone's liking.

Silvia: maybe you're right. But he's who I love the most by now and I can't let it go (she looks up at Avery). And you? I think you just have to blink your blue eyes to have girls jump you… (Avery is embarrassed, Meredith looks at him)

Avery: not that much… You know what sucks? You can have everybody at your feet but the person you'd want to know better (Meredith is puzzled)

Silvia: hey… what were you… hurt? (she giggles) That's why I do this. Perfect boobs, perfect butt, flat belly, French nose… he'll never leave me if I look like a freaking Greek goodness.…

* * *

Cristina has taken the first heart out. Teddy and her are doing some test.

Teddy: look at this… What do you tell me?

Cristina: the heart wall seems damaged. It's fragile.

Teddy: but this wasn't the problem… This man was admitted for a valve replacement.

Cristina: how can it be? This lesion seems a problem existing from years (Webber comes in)

Webber: so?

Teddy: there's something wrong here.

Webber: go on.

Teddy: the wall of the right auricle is badly compromised. The stroke was a cause of this.

Webber: natural problems?

Teddy: reading the chart, it doesn't look like. All tests and exams had shown it was in perfect form before.

Webber: before what?

Teddy: before being admitted and getting the med.

Webber: do you have checked just this one?

Cristina: I have prepared also the other two…

Teddy: but we haven't looked at it yet.

Webber: let's do it know (they get close to a table)

Teddy: do you want me to do it? (Webber lets her room and Teddy starts working) Sheperd?

Webber: CT was not that bad… Do you think he can try to lift a bit in a few days?

Teddy: technically there is no impediment for him to do it. It's just a matter of pain. A lot of pain. And problems in breathing. But he'll have to face it sooner or later.

Webber: yeah… (Webber looks down)

Teddy: our friend here… had bigger problems… What does the chart say?

Cristina: he was admitted for a by-pass. All exams were normal. Good, I'd say.

Teddy: two signs make an evidence.

Webber: we need to inform Tappeley. Can you write me a report for tonight?

Teddy: sure

Webber: I wait for it in my office. Good job.

* * *

April is looking for Hunt. She has been searching in the whole floor. Suddenly she finds herself in front of Derek's room. The temptation and the wish, the need to see him are too strong to resist and she goes in. She silently approaches to the bed. Derek is still, his eyes seem to be closed. A chill runs down her spine when she notices how pale and stressed he looks. He is still handsome, but thinner. A light stub covers his cheeks. She stands near his bed, few inches from him. The envelop of Phil's exams close to her chest. Derek's eyes flutter and then open. He rubs them and his arms are shaking. He then notices her presence. A hint of surprise paints his face.

Derek: Dr. Kepner…

April: Chief…

Derek: you're the only one calling me that by now… (he looks at her envelop) Do you need anything?

April: no. I…. I passed here and just wanted to see how you were doing… It's a long time… (she looks emotional, shy, almost frightened)

Derek: I'm not much for visits right now… (he winces and exhales deeply, closing his eyes and trying to control the pain. April is shocked. In the meantime, Hunt is walking down the corridor. As usual he throws a look into Derek's room to see if he's awake. He stops dead in his truck when he sees April in. He immediately opens the door)

April: can I do something for you?

Owen: just leave him alone and let him rest (April turns abruptly to the door. Derek has opened his eyes) You should not be in here (he gets closer, an annoyed look in his eyes. April's eyes fall down to the floor and then on Derek. Some tear roll down her cheek)

April: I'm sorry… I gotta go (she exits the room in a hurry. Owen follows her down the corridor)

Hunt: Dr. Kepner! (she goes on walking) Dr. Kepner (she stops and turns around. She is crying) Can you explain me why you were in there?

April: I… just….. (she keeps crying)

Hunt: you have no permission to go in there. I thought I had made myself clear yesterday. You don't get to go close to Meredith. You don't get to go close Dr. Sheperd. Stay the hell away from both of them.

April: I… needed to see how he is going…. And…. God…. I can't see him like this…. (Owen closes the distance between April and himself. He towers her figure)

Owen: you brought this on him (he goes away leaving April there)

* * *

Ben is in a room in the surgical floor. He is laying in a bed. Lexie and Arizona are with him. Suddenly his parents enter the room.

Mum: Ben… (she runs towards the bed and hugs him) What happened? (he lets go of him)

Ben: nothing… I came here this morning for my problem….

Father: your problem? Jeez, Ben… Do you want to accept that your problem is just passing by?

Lexie: it could not be… (Ben's parents turn to look at her)

Father: who are you?

Arizona: I'm Dr. Robbins and this is Dr. Grey. It was her who visited your son with morning.

Father: what for? He has just some pimple.

Arizona: he hasn't. Dr. Grey ran some test on him and the results are pretty clear. Your son has a dysfunction at the adrenal gland. That's what causes acne.

Mum: can you fix it?

Arizona: yes… but with a surgery.

Father: surgery?

Arizona: we need to operate on the gland to cut the part which is not working and causes the excess of acids in Ben's organism. This done, he will be okay.

Father: what if we don't agree?

Ben: dad…

Father: I mean… a surgery can be dangerous. He could die. He can live like this.

Ben: I can't

Father: don't be stupid Ben…

Arizona: Mr. Kim… acne is just the first symptom of this problem. There could be worse.

Mum: what do you mean?

Arizona: the gland could cause permanent damages to kidneys, and impotence at long term.

Father: what?

Lexie: I know it's scary… but this surgery… he needs it. To live a normal life. Not only esthetically speaking… but also for his health. It's not just a matter of shame or unease. It's more complicated.

Ben: Dad… please… (he looks at him with pleading eyes)

Father: ok then…

Arizona: we'll schedule the surgery for tomorrow. You can stay with him if you want… (she smiles and they go out. Lexie starts to walk down the corridor) Dr. Grey? (she turns around to face Arizona)

Lexie: yes?

Arizona: will you assist me tomorrow? (Lexie smiles)

Lexie: it's a pleasure (she goes away, a wide smile on her face)

* * *

Meredith and Avery meet Mark on their way to the locker room. He is already in his street clothes.

Meredith: Dr. Sloan?

Mark: mmm (he is looking at his cell which keeps ringing, but he looks at the screen and then ignores it)

Meredith: Silvia's exams are good. She is ready for her surgery. Physically at least… (he looks up at her)

Mark: what do you mean?

Avery: she looks a candle in the wind. She just wants this surgery to please her boyfriend.

Meredith: who probably won't notice the difference.

Mark: so what do you expect me to do? I'm not a priest… She is of age. She signs the consent, I do the surgery. And you'll do it too. (he goes away leaving them stunned on the spot. They share a puzzled look and then start to walk)

Meredith: so… I didn't know you were broken hearted…

Avery: I'm not

Meredith: you are (she swings and bumps Avery with her shoulder smiling). I just don't get who is the person you fell for. I've been thinking of this the whole day… but … I still have no clue.

Avery: you can't stop squeezing your brain. It's nothing important (Meredith looks up at him). It didn't become important. She never even looked at me. She was already taken.

Meredith: oh… ok… (they enter the resident's lounge. Cristina is already there) Hi! How was your day?

Cristina: good. I took three hearts out to run some top secret test.

Meredith: test?

Cristina: top secret (she puts her hands on her mouth. Avery is already in his street clothes)

Avery: good night everybody (he goes away smirking. Meredith follows him with her eyes)

Meredith: he's ok… Avery (she starts to strip)

Cristina: he's an ass. He kissed me (Meredith looks up stunned) in my apartment during a party.

Meredith: you gave a party with him?

Cristina: I didn't, you idiot… I don't remember the occasion. There was a crowd of people. I went to my bedroom and he followed me.

Meredith: I think he liked you… maybe he likes you…

Cristina: what are you… playing Cupid?

Meredith: of course I'm not… And you're taken… So, there's no possibility… (she takes her things and go. On the door she meets Webber) Chief…

Webber: are you going to see Derek?

Meredith: yes sir.

Webber: can you stay for an hour more? I need to talk to you. The both of you.

Meredith: ok (Richard goes away. Meredith stays there)

Cristina: did you piss him off?

Meredith: no

Cristina: you kept your ass in your pants, didn't you? (Meredith looks at her, an annoyed expression on her face and then leaves the room)

_Words can be arrows in our arch._

_Without we even know._

_We can hurt people without even realizing it… without even have planned it._

* * *

Bailey is Derek's room when Mark comes in. He has disappointment painted all over his face. He buries in the chair near Derek exhaling deeply. Derek looks up at him.

Derek: are you fine?

Mark: I'm the one supposed to ask you that

Derek: it's just that you don't seem that good.

Mark: and you look like a flower instead.

Derek: I do… if it wasn't a herd of enraged horns ran over me…

Mark: you look pretty bad indeed… (Bailey from the couch looks at them both)

Derek: so… how is your enlarged family doing?

Mark: Jenna is giving me hell. She is trying to make me pay for what I did to her. I think she plans to bring Little Sloan and the baby back with her.

Derek: maybe she just loves them…. She's her mum, Mark… I think it's normal she wants that.

Mark: and what about me? I mean… I got attached to them. I should have a voice on it.

Derek: only Little Sloan has. Don't put pressure on her.

Mark: you know, you already talk like a dad…

Derek: I don't

Mark: the fact is that I'd have never expected to like it… Being a dad… When she fell pregnant… it took me five minutes to run in the woods.

Derek: you were young… You'd have done differently later…

Mark: I'd have but someone chose for me then (he buries his head in his hands breathing out. Derek looks at him amused)

Derek: what? Wasn't she the only woman you knocked up? I didn't know all these performances of yours. Who also ended up impregnated by the New Yorker inseminator? (Mark looks at him and swallows. Derek gets a guilty look in his eyes. His smile fades immediately). My wife… didn't she? (Bailey looks up from her magazine, bewildered too)

* * *

_They just roll out of our tongue._

_And hit the target_

* * *

Mark: I thought she told you… (Derek has put hands on his face. They are shaking and he's trying to breathe)

Derek: when?

Mark: it was in New York… after you left (Derek is panting. Bailey stands up and approaches the bed)

Bailey: Sloan… what the hell are you doing?

Mark: I thought Addison told him (Derek's eyes are closed, he can't breathe)

Derek: if I could stand, I'd knock you down again…

Bailey: go away, Mark

Mark: I….

Bailey: how long do you want to torture him with these lies? And you think this is the proper moment to clean your conscience? Don't you see he feels horribly? And you came here to tell him your pathetic and sleazy stories… Get the hell out of here! (Richard is on the door)

Richard: what's going on? I could hear your voice from the corridor…

Bailey: last call Sloan, get out! (Mark stands up and joins Richard at the door. He looks back before going out. Derek is calmer now. He has settled his arms on his chest, his eyes are still closed)

Mark: Derek…

Derek: if you're lucky I won't remember anything tomorrow. Good night (Sloan understands she has been dismissed and leaves. Bailey gets closer to Derek and strokes his cheek. She can feel him trembling). I'm fine…. I'm fine….. (Hunt arrives in the corridor and approaches Richard)

Owen: chief… (Webber turns to look at him)

Richard: yeah?

Owen: I need to talk to you (Richard nods and goes to his office. Hunt follows him. He sits on his chair and looks up). You need to tell Meredith and Derek the truth. Now.

Richard: why?

Owen: Kepner went in Derek's room today

Richard: she what? I told you not to lose her and you let her go in?!

Owen: I didn't… I sent her to pick up a patient's exams and she took the chance (Bailey knocks and comes in. She feels the tension in the room and looks uncertain)

Bailey: Meredith is in Derek's room, chief.

Richard: I'm coming…

Bailey: do you think it's necessary to tell them tonight? I mean… after what happened with Sloan…

Richard: why? What the hell happened with him? I heard you scream from the nurses station.

Bailey: he didn't find anything better than telling Derek she knocked Addison up, in New York (Owen looks frozen. Richard closes his eyes)

Richard: good… but I can't wait anymore. Kepner went to Derek today (Bailey looks at Owen)

Owen: she just doesn't get it… (Webber stands up and storms out of the room. Bailey shares a look with Hunt and then follows him)

* * *

Cristina is finishing to change and Alex and Reed make their way in together.

Alex: hey…

Cristina: hey… how is Sheperd doing?

Alex: everything considered, not that bad.

Cristina: good (April comes in and Cristina follows her with her eyes. Kepner opens her locker and pulls things out. Alex and Reed go on with their conversation)

Reed: yeah… considering that man nearly ripped him off… We took 52 stitches out today. And they are just from the first surgery (April eyes them)

April: what are you talking about?

Reed: Sheperd… we were on his case today.

April: how is he?

Alex: trying to play the hero but he is in a hell of pain (April flinches, Cristina's glare is fix on her)

Reed: now I get why Sloan beat the crap out of Charlie… If I think back at all that blood in the visit room… (she flinches too)

Alex: it was a miracle he didn't bleed out.

Reed: six stabs… at the most painful parts… just like an autopsy (April closes her eyes)

* * *

_They can retort against you_

_And you can taste the bitter back_

* * *

April: stop talking about this! (all the residents look at her) I…

Cristina: what? (a defying look in her eyes. April gets she knows). Are you up to tell us something?

April: no…

Cristina: so just shut up… Don't you have the stomach to hear how a manipulated sick mind attacked Sheperd? And what he did to him while he was wide awake? You are a doctor. It could be you in front of the elevator when the door opened. Not Webber, not Bailey. And above all not Meredith (she stands up and goes away. April is sobbing and Reed hugs her)

Reed: I know you care about him… You've been working with him for a lot. He hired you back. But he's going to be fine (she rubs her back while she is still crying)

* * *

Meredith is in Derek's room. He has found him shaken but doesn't know why. She has tried to have a conversation but she hasn't succeeded yet. Derek is avoiding her glare.

Meredith: Derek….

Derek: mmm

Meredith: are you mad at me? (his eyes jump on her. He takes her hand)

Derek: no… why do you think so?

Meredith: 'cause I've been here for ten minutes trying to talk to you and you don't even answer. Is there something wrong? (he looks at her and then shifts his glare away. Meredith breaths out and Richard and Bailey come in).

Richard: Meredith…

Meredith: hi… (Richard gets closer and sits on Derek's bed. Bailey is on the couch)

Richard: go sitting there, Meredith (he gestures towards the couch)

Meredith: why?

Bailey: Grey, please (she notices the serious look on their faces and goes there)

Meredith: did the CT show something wrong?

Richard: no… it's nothing like that. But it won't be less difficult anyway… What I'm gonna tell you… is going to be a boulder on you… on the both of you (even Derek looks worried now). Derek… you need to promise you'll keep quiet, right? Everything I say, you'll try to control yourself.

Derek: why shouldn't I? (Richard's eyes cast down and Bailey takes Meredith's hand)

Richard: what I have to tell you is about the attack you suffered. It's about investigations. And the people charged of it.

Meredith: I thought it was clear it was Mr. Greene…

Richard: he is… but you need to know something else. The police asked me to inform you before they come here to take your deposition. And you won't like it. It will break you.

Derek: ok Richard… what the hell are you talking about? (Richard looks at Meredith and then breaths out. He looks at the wall speaking)

Richard: the day Mr. Greene attacked you, he signed up in our rehab program.

Derek: I know it… his lawyer told me.

Richard: on his first session, he met a doctor who took charge of his situation. And who was supposed to talk to him.

Meredith: that's what programs are for… I don't understand where you're going…

Richard: the doctor who took charge of him was… (he closes his eyes) April Kepner

Derek: excuse me?

Meredith: she couldn't do that. It was her patient… Mr. Greene's wife… (Richard avoids their glare)

Richard: I know. But she didn't care. She went in there and talked to him. In the middle of the conversation, she wasn't able to control Mr. Greene's rage against you and..

Derek: what? She didn't get he was completely out of himself? He kept talking about his wife in the elevator… I think he was hallucinating…

Richard: he was not… (Derek's eyes get wider in surprise)

Derek: what? How do you know?

Richard: when he told you she had tried to convince him it was Meredith's fault… he wasn't talking about his dead wife (Derek's eyes fill with understanding. His eyes start to prickle at the corners uncomfortably)

* * *

_But it's when words hit the person you love that you hurt more._

_There, they become sharp and cutting knives_

* * *

Meredith: excuse me but I don't get it… What are you talking about? My fault? What was my fault in here?

Richard: killing his wife

Meredith: what? I wasn't even on the case. I have never seen his wife's face.

Richard: he could not know it.

Meredith: chief, seriously… you need to give me a point here 'cause I don't understand

Derek: don't tell her, please (Derek's cheeks are streamed with tears and he's pleading. Richard swallows)

Richard: I'm sorry… She'll know it anyway… (Derek breaths out). Before attacking him in the elevator, Mr. Greene came to look for you. But at the last moment… he gave up… He got that she was lying. And he went back to the primary plan: getting Derek (Meredith's eyes fill with tears at the thought of the danger she has ran without even knowing. She passes a hand on her belly)

Meredith: just…. who was she? (she is looking straight to Richard and he looks away)

Richard: Meredith… you got it

Meredith: yes… maybe… maybe I have. But I need you to say it loud and clear. I want to hear her name… I want to hear the name of that bitch who tried to get rid of me… And who could have avoided this… (Derek is sobbing. Hearing the anger and the fear in Meredith's voice has broken his calm)

Richard: it was Kepner… ok? It was her… (Derek covers his eyes with both hands. His arms are shaking and are covered in sweat. Shivers cross his body. He is breathing in and out loudly)

Derek: I can't believe she did this… I can't…. she came to me that evening… right before I entered that damned elevator… she wanted to tell me something but… she just apologized…. I saw she was hiding something but… I thought she was just ashamed…. She could…. (sobs are sending pain though all his body, he feels his throat closing and can hardly breath. Richard sees his whole body tensing)

* * *

_They cut into your soul, into your body._

_They tear your flesh_

* * *

Richard: Derek… I know it's horrible… but you need to calm down…. Come on breathe (he puts a hand on his shoulder. He feels he is sweated and has goose-flesh. He is trembling. Webber lays two fingers on his throat. His pulse is too quick). Derek… come on… breathe in and out…. (Sheperd's is crying. For what he has heard mostly. But also because pacing has unleashed excruciating pains in his thorax: from his broken ribs to his stab wounds. He feels like a beast was eating his guts, his stomach is on fire and lungs can't provide him air. Monitors start to beep and Richard shakes his head). Derek… come on… calm down (he puts the oxygen mask on his face. Meredith stands up alarmed and gets closer to the bed. She strokes his forehead)

Meredith: Der… it's fine… I'm fine… Just breathe, ok? (Derek's eyes are closed, Meredith can see him panting in the mask. Suddenly he arches his back and a groan comes out loud from his lips. He exhales deeply three or four times, his chest rising and falling violently. Then he stays still. Passed out. Even Richard's eyes are watery, he shakes his head and lets Derek's shoulder. Bailey brings Meredith back on the couch, she starts crying frantically and Miranda hugs her)

* * *

_Until you can't take anymore_


	14. REDEMPTION

Redemption

* * *

_When you make a mistake, the first thing you look for is forgiveness…_

_You turn into an apologizing mess, you try to pay due._

_But there are people who are not cut for this: they just go on living their own life, pretending nothing occurred, they go into denial._

_And leave sorrow behind them._

* * *

It's early morning and Cristina is changing into her scrubs. The locker room is desert, she is the only one in there. Her pager beeps, she reads the message on the screen. A frown appears on her forehead and she walks down the corridors quickly to the indicated place. She arrives in front of Sheperd's Head of Neurosurgery office. Bailey is on the door.

Cristina: Dr. Bailey… (Bailey gestures her to drop her voice)

Bailey: Meredith is in here. She is sleeping.

Cristina: didn't she go home yesterday?

Bailey: no… we told them about Kepner yesterday evening. And it was a really painful process.

Cristina: what do you mean?

Bailey: Derek had a really hard time, he started hyperventilating. He passed out several times before we could finally sedate him. And Meredith was very upset too. We decided to give her a sedative and let her sleep here. She didn't want to go home, she was worried about Derek. I think you should keep an eye on her (the door opens to reveal Meredith. She has dark circles around her eyes, they are still puffy and red)

Meredith: I don't need that (both Bailey and Cristina look at her)

Cristina: Mer… how are you?

Meredith: I'm fine… How is Derek?

Bailey: still resting. The Chief is with him.

Meredith: I need to go change into my scrubs

Bailey: Grey…

Meredith: I'm fine and I need to work.

Cristina: you look like crap.

Meredith: I'll take a shower in the resident's lounge (she goes back in Derek's office to pick her things up. Bailey and Cristina follow her)

Bailey: Meredith… I can prevent you from working if you feel up to. But use this as your private locker. You could meet her (Meredith lets out a tortured gasp without looking up) and I don't want you to make something stupid (Meredith breaths out). I know she deserves it, and you'll have justice I promise. But you need to keep calm, for your safety and for the baby. And for Derek too.

Cristina: she is right Mer… You need to take it easy (Meredith throws all her things on the couch again)

Meredith: fine… I'll play the good girl. But if she dares to approach me again… or better…. To approach Derek again… I won't promise you anything.

Bailey: I'll make sure this won't happen. Derek will never be alone in his room.

Meredith: he won't. His mom is coming back today.

Bailey: good… get ready. You're on the same cases of yesterday. But I'll meet you in front of Derek's room. We are going to cheer him up.

* * *

Richard is lying on the couch near Derek's bed. He hears him stirring and stands up, getting closer to the bed. Derek's eyes are fluttering and finally he opens them. Light hits him and he tries to protect his eyes with his hands. He lets out a groan.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: what time is it?

Richard: almost eight… You slept all night.

Derek: my head is pounding…

Richard: we had to sedate you. You'll be fine in some minute.

Derek: Meredith?

Richard: she slept in your office, she is fine (Derek looks up at him, Richard reads a question Derek is afraid to ask). It was hard on her… Derek… But it was harder to see you fainting out of pain (he sits on his bed). I know you're worried about her… you have a right to be. But she is strong. She can take care of herself. And her friends are doing too. You need to focus on your own health.

Derek: how can I? She is still out there… She had the nerve to come into my room yesterday… She already went to Meredith's…

Richard: what?

Derek: she stole my coat and my keys. I was sure she went there. I had no evidence but…

Richard: ok, Derek.. listen. Today the cops will come here. And you'll tell them everything. They'll run their investigations and we'll get rid of April Kepner in a blink.

Derek: I'd like to be that optimistic too.

Richard: you'll be…. After my cheering committee will come here…

Derek: excuse me?

Richard: I've decided to insert you in the round. You need to see people… you need to see how much they love you… how much they respect you. How much they miss you.

Derek: you're saying like you mean it.

Richard: I do (he squeezes his hand and stands up. See you later)

* * *

All the residents are in the locker room. They are changing into their scrubs. Bailey appears on the door.

Bailey: Kepner… (April turns around to face her. She is wearing her coat) Hunt is waiting for you in the ER. The others… I wait you in five minutes for rounds (she goes out. April breaths out and leaves the room without saying anything. Reed follows her with her eyes)

Reed: she had a break down yesterday…

Avery: who? April?

Reed: yeah… we were talking about Sheperd and she couldn't hear about it.

Avery: she has a big crash on him…

Alex: how do you know?

Avery: it's written all over her face. And Meredith told me too.

Reed: she doesn't look pissed off…

Alex: she had to deal with a wife for a couple of years… she is used to half hospital having the hots for him.

Reed: what I don't get is why all seem to be mad at her (they exit the lounge and find Bailey, Meredith and Cristina already there. Alex looks at Meredith and realizes she is not good)

Alex: hey… are you fine?

Meredith: kind of

Alex: I didn't hear you to come back yesterday.

Meredith: I didn't…

Alex: is Sheperd fine?

Meredith: sure… (Bailey picks the charts up and gestures them to follow her. Meredith is the first. Alex takes Cristina's arm and pulls her close)

Alex: what's wrong with her?

Cristina: I'll tell you my secrets when you're up to telling me yours (Alex looks at her puzzled). Owen already did. With Webber's placet. You can do it too.

* * *

Lexie and Mark are walking into the hospital. Mark is silent and hollow. He has been this way the whole morning and the previous evening.

Lexie: ok… enough with the crap… What's wrong with you?

Mark: nothing…

Lexie: are Little Sloans ok?

Mark: yeah

Lexie: her mum?

Mark: good

Lexie: are you going to break up with me? Because if you want to, just do it. I'll take you out of your misery.

Mark: Lexie.. I'm not (they arrive in front of the elevator and Mark pushes the button)

Lexie: so? (Mark looks around and he sees they are alone)

Mark: you'll hate me for this. Everyone will.

Lexie: why? What did you do?

Mark: I stabbed my best friend's back. For the second time. And he really didn't need it (Lexie is puzzled)

Lexie: what? What the hell are you talking about? (horror paints in her face). Oh my God… You slept with Meredith?

Mark: no! (the elevator opens and they go in) Ok… I deserve this… I told Derek I knocked Addison up… in New York.

Lexie: excuse me?

Mark: after he left… we lived together for a while and she ended up pregnant. But she didn't want a kid from me. She wanted Derek back. And she aborted.

Lexie: wait a minute… All this time… when she came down here to win him back… Didn't she say anything to him?

Mark: apparently not.

Lexie: and why didn't you do it?

Mark: we weren't friends for a lot of time. We didn't talk to each other. And I thought she had told him.

Lexie: and how did he react?

Mark: he already has the world on his shoulders right now… What do you think? He kicked me out…

Lexie: you were lucky it's all he did (the doors open and she storms out of the doors leaving him there, alone)

* * *

Teddy is raising the steps to the surgical floor. She nearly bumps into Owen sitting on the stairs, his head down.

Teddy: hey… what are you doing here?

Owen: taking some relax before jumping in another hard day's work. And you?

Teddy: trying to keep in fit… and avoiding elevators… (she sits near him)

Owen: yeah… that's wise….

Teddy: so… you passed Arizona…

Owen: it was not the moment to leave… with Sheperd and everything…. But I'm better.

Teddy: I see it… better I saw it…. Now… for a couple of days, you look haunted again.

Owen: haunted?

Teddy: yes… like something is bothering you… crushing you… You are harsh with residents and sometimes to nurses too… It's not your habit…

Owen: why? Are they complaining about my manners now? (he stands up leaving Teddy stunned)

Teddy: no… but I heard you with Kepner yesterday… The whole floor heard you. You were really harsh. And she looks so defenceless…

Owen: she looks… you said it.

Teddy: excuse me?

Owen: you went through a war Teddy. You have learned to know on your skin that the worst dangers hide behind the most innocent people.

Teddy: I'm sorry… but are you comparing Kepner with some random and fool kamikatze?

Owen: you'll tell me…. (he goes up leaving Teddy alone)

* * *

Bailey and all the residents but April enter Derek's room.

Bailey: finally… here is the last patient (Webber is in there too)

Derek: hi

Avery: welcome back (Meredith gets closer to the bed. She looks down to Derek for a moment to make sure he is fine. Then she kisses him on the lips)

Bailey: Dr. Grey… do you kiss patients now?

Derek: I hope she doesn't…

Meredith: just one…. Don't be jealous (the residents laugh, Derek too. A sharp pain shots though him and Bailey notices it)

Bailey: well… Yang…. Talk to us….

Cristina: talk about what?

Bailey: about the patient, maybe?

Cristina: ok…. (she takes the chart). Dr. Sheperd is back from…

Derek: you couldn't use a better word

Cristina: from two surgeries because of the piercing of a lung, heart distress and internal damages. He has to be monitored to check the pulmonary functionality and rest.

Bailey: so… (Cristina stares at her not getting what she means. All residents are smiling. After some seconds Bailey points to the stethoscope Cristina has around her neck)

Cristina: sure… I visit the patient to hear possible murmurs to the lung (he gets closer to Derek, he looks amused by the scene and she lays the sensors on his chest. She checks her clock) Breathe in (she can't hear anything) you have to breathe in full lung, sir (Derek looks up at her not believing what she has just said)

Bailey: Yang… he was already doing it

Cristina: oh… (he turns to Derek again looking at him like she expected him to get cyanotic in a matter of seconds) A lot of rest and you should wear the oxygen mask for some day (she goes hiding behind Alex)

Bailey: Grey, the patient is yours if you want him. If he doesn't obey, doesn't cooperate and sucks like I'm pretty sure he will, don't wait to inform me (Derek smiles at them both)

Derek: I feel better. Maybe I could lift up a little bit.

Richard: Derek…

Bailey: don't you even think of it. Today and tomorrow you'll lay perfectly flat (Derek is going to answer back). Be a good boy or Webber authorized me to kill you without leaving evidence behind, cutie

Derek: seriously? You call a no evidence murder cutting into me in strict alphabetical order with all the surgical instruments?

Bailey: what a cruel thing! And why wasting the holy surgical tools? To tell the truth I thought I could kill you telling you a pretty, unbelievably funny and hilarious joke (Derek stops smiling and closes his arms around his sides)

Derek: no please… not laughing….

Bailey: will you be cooperative then?

Derek: just lifting up a bit…

Bailey: two kids walked towards the market….

Derek: ok, ok! I give up

Bailey: let's go then. Everybody out. Meredith… Sloan is waiting for you after your visit… (all the residents, Bailey and Webber go out. Meredith sits on the bed and takes Derek's hand. Derek's eyes are fixed on her face)

Derek: you look tired…

Meredith: I'm fine… And you? (she strokes his cheek) You scared me yesterday…

Derek: I'm sorry… I had promised, I know… but…. It kills me to know you could have been hurt….

Meredith: I'm fine… And you need to take care of you, ok? (Derek nods) Your mum will be here in a while (she strokes him again and then kisses him on the lips. She then takes the oxygen mask to put it on his face)

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: ah… you heard Dr. Yang's prescriptions… (she lays it on his face). I still miss you… (she stands up and leaves)

* * *

Cristina joins Teddy in the laboratory.

Cristina: Dr. Altman… I'm here

Teddy: good timing Cristina (Cristina gets closer to the table)

Cristina: what are you doing?

Teddy: Webber asked more investigation on that med. I think Tappeley asked it. Anyway… we have to inject the active ingredient of the med in a heart and see the effects it produces.

Cristina: but won't this take a lot of time?

Teddy: seeing the cases we have analyzed yesterday, not that much. Stats worsened really quickly, it seems in a few hours form the administration.

Crsitina: but…

Teddy: say it…

Cristina: how can we analyze the consequences if… I mean…

Teddy: the heart isn't beating?

Cristina: yeah…

Teddy: we'll have it beating artificially….

Cristina: are you saying that we'll do…

Teddy: right. I see your interest has grown, Yang (she handles her a list). That's what we need. Can you take care of it?

Cristina: sure. Thank you

Teddy: thanks to you.

* * *

April joins the ambulance bay and finds Owen there.

April: dr. Hunt…

Owen: dr. Kepner….

April: what have we got?

Owen: car accident. Abdominal trauma (the ambulance stops, the door opens and the paramedic jumps out)

Paramedic: male, 36. A truck hits his car from the side. He lost consciousness on our way here. We had to intubate him (Owen helps him pulling the stretcher out)

Owen: relatives?

Paramedic: he took his bag from the car (the other paramedic handles April a bag)

Owen: ok… I'll take care of this. Thank you, guys (the paramedics go back to the ambulance and Owen pushes the patient into a visit room. April comes in, the bag still in her hand. Owen notices it). Give that to a nurse, she'll take care of calling relatives… (April goes out and comes back 2 minutes later. Owen has cut the patient's clothes away. He is touching his abdomen, a frown on his forehead). What the hell….

April: what?

Owen: it looks like… the spleen is not there….

April: what? (she gets closer to the stretcher)

Owen: take a look yourself (he puts his hands away and April touches the patient)

April: I can feel something… but the size is…

Owen: small… it looks like a liver… We need to bring him to a CT. Move (April opens the door and Owen wheels the gurney away. They go down the corridor and arrive at the CT. There are two patients outside waiting) Wait here… (he leaves April with the patient and then comes out) Let's go (the other doctors look at them annoyed)

Lexie enters the scrub room. Arizona is there washing her hands.

* * *

Arizona: good morning, Dr. Grey

Lexie: good morning (she looks sad)

Arizona: are you ok?

Lexie: fine, thank you.

Arizona: good… because Ben is ready and this is going to be a great surgery (she goes in the OR. Lexie takes some more minutes and then goes in. She notices Callie in the gallery and smiles). Good… scalpel (a nurse handles her what asked and she makes the first cut). So… are Litlle Sloans fine?

Lexie: yes… the baby doesn't sleep that much at night… but it's normal.

Arizona: you know… I always call them Little Sloans… but…. What's the baby's name?

Lexie: Michael.

Arizona: it's nice.

Lexie: yeah… and he's really cute. And much more good than my niece.

Arizona: you are good with kids. And teens. I've worked with you a lot of times and… you create a good bond with them.

Lexie: maybe because I'm a kid myself after all… we are emphatically closed but…. I lack of experience and touch. All things you could sell to everybody.

Arizona: maybe… but that doesn't make me good with them in my private…

Lexie: why?

Arizona: I don't know. But this scares me (she looks up at Callie and then still at the patient). I'm ready to cut here but… Grey…. It's up to you….

Lexie: excuse me?

Arizona: you found out his problem, you convinced his father to let him have surgery, you'll make the final cut (she handles her the clamp. Lexie seems doubtful). One, clean cut… (Lexie breaths out and then cuts) Done. We were lucky…

Lexie: about what?

Arizona: great problem, easy solution. Not every problem finds a solution like that (she looks up at the gallery again)

* * *

Derek is in his room with his mum. Richard knocks and goes in with two people.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: yeah?

Richard: these are inspectors Lewis and Donner. They were and are responsible for the investigations (Richard gets closer to the bed, he's playing with his hands nervously). They'd need your deposition.

Derek: ok… but (his eyes lock with Richard and Webber gets Derek doesn't want his mum to stay)

Richard: Mrs. Sheperd… (she stands up understanding)

Mrs. Sheperd: no problem… I'll wait out (she bends to kiss her son's forehead and then goes away. The two inspectors approach Derek's bed and Lewis shakes Sheperd's hand)

Lewis: it's good to see you're fine… I've just heard a lot of good things about you. From everybody (Derek is silent). So… I know Webber has already told you something about our investigations, about the person we have arrested and about Dr. Kepner's… doing. Anything else?

Richard: no (he breaths out sitting near Derek's bed. Lewis and Donner do the same at the opposite side of the bed)

Lewis: that's why we are here… So… we can get started if you feel up to…

Derek: ok…

Lewis: tell us about that day… your day…

Derek: nothing special…. I was paged in the early morning for a couple attacked in the park. I came here and visited them. I got the visit from Mr. Greene's lawyer. He wanted to tell me that his client has decided to sign in our rehab program. I found the report of Mr. Greene's autopsy on my desk, there was a page lacking and I asked the expert to mail it to me.

Donner: did your office look different… in disorder or something?

Derek: no… but I'm not very ordained so… it's always a mess in there… (Lewis laughs)

Lewis: my desk is too. Then?

Derek: I left my office at 6 more or less.. I wanted to be home early. Dr. Kepner stopped me on the door. She wanted to tell me something… I got that…. But she didn't. She just apologized for the stalking thing…

Donner: Dr. Bailey told us about that… She said there were many episodes…

Derek: she stole my coat with my keys. And I'm pretty sure she went to my house.

Lewis: how can you be?

Derek: one evening there was a strange smell in my bedroom… the following day she had the same scent on her…

Donner: did you face her?

Derek: yeah… I got afraid for my wife. But she denied everything.

Lewis: could we take a look there?

Derek: I'm sorry?

Donner: at the house…

Derek: why?

Lewis: Mr. Greene made very heavy statements on Dr. Kepner. Legally she can't be charged of anything. But if we could show that she was stalking you… it'd be different.

Derek: I… Meredith doesn't know anything about this…. I don't…

Richard: I get that Derek. But it's the only shot to have her pay. And to have her fired. I'll explain Meredith (Derek nods)

Lewis: so she let you go away without saying you were in danger… And then? (Derek closes his eyes, sweat appears on his forehead)

* * *

Meredith and Avery are waiting for Sloan. It's afternoon but they haven't seen him yet. They are playing with the models of Silvia's nose.

Avery: you're silent today…

Meredith: I'm just tired… I slept here but I didn't rest that much.

Avery: something you want to talk about?

Meredith: I'd like, but I promised not to. And Derek had a really hard time yesterday (Mark is on the door). He fainted a lot of times out of pain before Webber decided to put him under without his consent.

Avery: I'm sorry…. This morning he looked… in a good mood

Meredith: he tries… but… (Avery lays his hand on Meredith's arm)

Avery: he's badass. He will jump out of this.

Meredith: I hope you're right (Mark clears his throat and the guys turn around, a puzzled look on their face)

Sloan: hi everybody (he keeps his eyes down). I'm sorry I didn't show up before but… I had stuff to do.

Meredith: ok… we finished all the tests and the exams. She is ready.

Sloan: ok… I've booked an OR in an hour. If you still want to scrub in… (he looks up at Meredith, a guilty look all over his face)

Meredith: Why shouldn't I?

Mark: I thought you couldn't stand seeing my face after what happened yesterday….

Meredith: what are you talking about? (Avery is embarrassed as he gets the conversation is going private)

Avery: I wait for you out (he stands up but Meredith pulls his arm and he falls back on the chair)

Mark: it was my fault… I was the reason of Derek's outburst…

Meredith: why? (her eyes are full of anger)

Mark: I told him… something bad…. I didn't mean to hurt him… I thought he still knew it…. (Mark swallows)

Meredith: my patience is over here…

Mark: I told him I knocked Addison up.

Meredith: you what?

Mark: right before she came down here to take him back (Meredith is breathing out loudly. Mark looks down)

Meredith: wait… so she won him back playing on his sense of duty and obligations and the ring and all this crap… and she didn't bother to tell him that she aborted your child the week before she brought her freaking stilettos in Seattle?

Mark: yeah (she stands up and closes the distance between them. She slaps him and Mark doesn't move)

Meredith: just for the record, this wasn't why he passed out a lot of times… (Mark looks up at her) but you're a whore (she storms out of the room, she nearly bumps into Callie. Avery stands up and then goes out following Meredith. Callie comes in)

Callie: Mark… what happened?

* * *

Cristina and Teddy are still in the lab. In front of them, a machine acts the cardio – circulatory system.

Teddy: now we just have to try to have the heart beat.

Cristina: will it work?

Teddy: we'll know it in thirty seconds (she settles the last connections, the mechanism starts to move. Some seconds after the heart starts to beat)

Cristina: it's unbelievable

Teddy: the heart is a perfect engine, the most perfect organ of our body

Cristina: how this test is going to work?

Teddy: the med is in the artificial blood pumping. We just need to wait it works its effects. The ideal solution would be checking on it minute after minute.

Cristina: I can stay… if you want (Teddy turns around to look at her) … yes… if you think I'm capable of understanding the eventual changes (Teddy bursts out laughing)

Teddy: I was just thinking that it's a very boring job and it will take the whole night.

Cristina: I have nothing to do

Teddy: really? No one is waiting for you?

Cristina: not tonight

Teddy: ok… I go away now. Then I come back and you'll be free.

Cristina: ok

Teddy: that is the form. You need to take notes every hour about the heart's conditions, even if there is no change. If something happens, page me.

Cristina: ok

Teddy: see you later (Teddy goes away, Cristina crosses her arms on the table and lays her face on them. She looks at the artificial system in front of her)

* * *

Owen and April are at the OR. Bailey has joined them too.

Bailey: it's like you thought… Liver and spleen are at the opposite sides… How did anyone ever notice it?

Owen: it can be asymptomatic…. Anyway… it saved his life…

Bailey: you can say it loud…

April: why?

Owen: do you know how long it takes to a man to die if the spleen ruptures completely?

April: ten minutes?

Owen: yeah… but if it's the liver to suffer the same injury…. We can fix it. If his organs were at the normal place, he would have died before the rescuers had the chance to take it out of the wreck. Nature can be a bitch but sometimes…. This saves you (they go on working)

Bailey: so, Dr. Kepner, have you cleared up your mind about your specialty? (April looks at unease)

April: not yet… I had an idea but…. I don't know.

Bailey: share it… maybe we can give you a suggestion…. (she meets her eyes and April immediately diverts them). Ok… no advises for you…

April: it's not that…

Owen: and what is then? The Chief gave you one more month to make up your mind. I've never received a resident asking me for suggestions.

Bailey: me either…

Owen: maybe Bailey they are so sure of themselves they don't need anything from us.

Bailey: no… they are not like me…

Owen: excuse me?

Bailey: I've always known which was my path. I was the best, I was talented. I was good. All things these kids are not.

Owen: I wasn't so self assured. But my mentor gave me a light to follow. And I think I did it good. It's not a fault to know what you want. It's a fault not to ask for help when you know you need it (he says the last sentence looking directly in April's eyes).

Bailey: stubbornness should be a sin…

* * *

Derek is still silent. He is rubbing his eyes like he could push remembers away.

Richard: Derek… I know it's hard…. But you need to do this…. Nothing you're going to say can change what you are… and nothing can…. (Lewis clears his throat getting Webber's attention, he shakes his head)

Lewis: Dr. Sheperd… I know it's painful. But we need your version (Derek clears his throat)

Derek: the elevator opened and I saw a man inside. He looked up at me when the door opened but… I wasn't looking at his face… and then he turned around again. He was dressed like a stuff member…. He had a tool case… I had forbidden maintenance works in the working hours but… I thought to let it go. I gave my back to him. The elevator moved down… then it stopped… and he attacked me behind my back. I haven't realized anything… I have only felt the knife piercing my back… I couldn't breathe… my legs failed and he knocked me against the wall… I tried to see his face but… he hit me again… and I fell on the ground… I could hear him walking around me… his steps were near… but all I could think about was the knife sank till the handle in my stomach… I couldn't stand the pain anymore… and…. against all my medical skills… I ripped it off… (Richard swallows hard). He kicked me and kneeled astride me… I recognized him then… He kept saying senseless things… and then he told me about Meredith and…. I…. he….. (he breaths out. Lewis and Donner share a look and they decide to tell him the truth).

Lewis: why didn't you try to defend yourself?

Derek: how? I couldn't feel my legs… I hardly could move my arms…. I was just trying to keep breathing… and I chose not to (Derek is looking at the ceiling)… I was afraid he could go on and looking for Meredith… so I let him… do whatever he wanted….

Lewis: it's the first time I see someone taking stabs without lifting an arm to protect himself… (Derek turns to look at him)

Derek: what do you mean?

Lewis: I'm sorry I had to make you remember those moments… but I needed to be sure you were saying the truth.

Derek: I don't understand…

Lewis: what Dr. Webber couldn't tell you… what I asked him not to tell you… is that there was a camera in the elevator… and it recorded everything… but Mr. Greene's face. It was thanks to your colleagues we could reenact everything. And finally get to him (Derek turns towards Richard but he immediately avoids the glare. He closes his eyes. A tear roll down his cheek). I know this is incredibly hard on you… but I'm also sorry to tell you that you have to be ready to say this in front of a court. There will be a trail. You'll have to witness. And this tape will be one of the main evidences. It's not going to be now but…. Everything will come out. We need to show this was a premeditate attack and it won't be easy.

Richard: why not?

Donner: first of all the place it took place. If Dr. Sheperd had taken the other elevator…

Derek: I never do it. Even if I have to wait… even if it's there… I always wait for the left one.

Lewis: why?

Derek: it's where I proposed to my wife. I always take that. And everybody knows it.

Lewis: it will be easier then to undo the defence line (the two cops stand up). Thank you Dr. Sheperd. Let Dr. Webber know when we can arrange the visit to your house (Donner is already on the door). I know you'll hate me for this but… I'm just an ambassador here... Mr. Greene has already expressed his repentance, more than once… And he would like to apologize to you…

Richard: what?

Lewis: personally… He has asked a lot of times to meet you (Derek breaths out, he stares directly at Lewis's eyes). He knows you are still in hospital and… in bad shape…. Just think about it… (Lewis turns around to leave)

Derek: tell him… (Lewis turns around and Richard looks down at Derek stunned) I'll go to meet him… when I'll be able to stand and walk…. I'll do it….. Just…. It will take a lot of time…. (Lewis smiles at him and goes away. Derek's mum enters the room and Richard leaves her his place. She wipes Derek's tears away)

* * *

Alex opens the lab's door and sees Cristina.

Alex: what are you… Frankenstein?

Cristina: I'm not. You shouldn't be here. This is a top secret test… (Alex sits on the chair near her)

Alex: have you seen Meredith?

Cristina: not since this morning… I've been stuck here the whole day… (Alex throws her a look). So… it was the tape which shook the ground under your feet… (he looks dully at the machine)…

Alex: yes…

Cristina: Hunt was really upset too…

Alex: we are doctors… we are used to see injuries but…. I had never seen something like this… I was like watching a movie… but…

Cristina: it was not…

Alex: I hope it won't become an evidence in the trail… Meredith…. shouldn't know. So… what about your secret?

Cristina: a resident knew Sheperd was in danger… and even tried to divert Greene's rage towards Meredith… so that she became his target.

Alex: what?

Cristina: think Alex… you are smart… Who is the person who worships Sheperd, who would jump into the fire to be noticed? (Alex seems to be clueless) Ok… who's the person attendings are treating like crap and never let go in these days? (Alex finally gets)

Alex: Kepner?

Cristina: bingo!

Alex: what are you talking about?

Cristina: it's a long story. But she knew Greene could hurt someone. She just tried to have Meredith killed instead of Sheperd.

Alex: does they know?

Cristina: why do you think she looked like a ghost this morning and Derek had to be sedated yesterday?

Alex: I just don't get why she is still working here. What do they wait? That she tries again?

Cristina: they need evidences before charging her of something. But we need to take care of Meredith (Alex is thoughtful). What?

Alex: nothing… I've just found the last piece of the puzzle (he stands and leaves)

* * *

Sloan and Avery are already in the OR. They hear a noise and look up to see Meredith scrubbing in. She approaches the table.

Meredith: I'm sorry Dr. Sloan… I'm late.

Sloan: never mind… We've just started… How do I proceed, Avery?

Avery: we make an incision on the nasal, free the bone. And then we break it (Mark has already made the cut and shifted the skin. He handles the surgical hummer to Meredith). Do you want to do it?

Meredith: no thank you. I'm too mad to handle a hummer… (Mark looks at her and then gives the tool to Avery)

Avery: me?

Mark: what? Did I piss you off too?

Avery: no, sir.

Mark: so do it. One blow (Avery seems to take aim and then hits the nose with the hummer. The bone breaks immediately). Ouch… it hurts just to watch.

Meredith: it will hurt more tomorrow… and the day after tomorrow when her stupid boyfriend will dump her.

Mark: how do you know he'll do it?

Meredith: she's 23 and there's nothing original in her. She looks like an air doll. Only plastics surgeon like bubble boobs. I think they are not so good to touch.

Mark: they feel natural… Avery… (Avery looks embarrassed)

Avery: I have never touched… them… (Meredith giggles) but I think Grey is right… I prefer natural girls…

Mark: I don't get why you are so old-fashioned. If a girl wants to correct her defects to feel better… why not?

Meredith: because plastics is useful to correct the blows that life gives you… for hurt people… not a girl like this. She is beautiful. The only thing she should correct is her brain.

Avery: it didn't seem she had one to me…

Meredith: I guess you were all busy to stare at her ass….

Avery: hey… that was mean… I'm not that kind of guy…

Mark: we are all good guys… till the day we are not anymore… and you find yourself in your best friend's bed, fucking his wife… till he opens the door and finds you there… You should apologize… but you can't. Because apologies mean that you did a mistake. And you prefer lying saying that it was not. Don't play the good guy, Avery… Did you look at her ass or not?

Avery: I…. did…. (Meredith looks at him amused) I am a man after all…

* * *

Owen is sitting at Joe. A glass of rum in front of him. Teddy arrives at the bar and sits near him.

Teddy: a bear, please (Owen notices her presence). So I heard you had a mutant today…

Owen: yes… tricks of nature saved his life… And you? Still running top secrets exams?

Teddy: it looks like they are not top secret anymore. The whole hospital is talking…

Owen: are you done?

Teddy: not yet… I left Cristina to check on the machine. I came here to grab something to eat and drink… Then I'll go back.

Owen: but you know the suspects are true…

Teddy: results are crystal clear till now. That med is harmful. I don't get how it could pass tests and experiments.

Owen: do you still think only harmless meds are sold or used?

Teddy: I'd hope so… When I give a med… I'd really want not to kill the patient.

Owen: it's just a matter of policy and marketing. Pharma don't care about people's life. If they did… many illnesses would be over right now… (he drinks a sip of his bear)

Teddy: haunted Owen is still here… (her pager beeps) It's Cristina. I need to go back.

Owen: can I come with you?

Teddy: sure…

* * *

Derek's mum is stroking his son's forehead. They haven't shared a word since the cops went away.

Mrs. Sheperd: you need to stop avoiding me… (Derek breaths out and finally looks up at her). What's wrong?

Derek: nothing… It was an exhausting day. And yesterday didn't go any better… I'm just tired of lying here… My life seems… I'm in some kind of Truman's show. My sisters knew Addi was screwing Mark and they didn't say anything… Now it turns out she was also pregnant with his child and… nobody ever bothered to tell me…

Mrs. Sheperd: Derek…. You are over this now. You are with Meredith and you're going to have a wonderful child. Addison had to tell you… I'm sure Mark thought she did… There is no reason he told you that… now then… The two of you made up… I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you…

Derek: I know that… and I'm not mad at him… not anymore at least…

Mrs. Sheperd: so I can tell him to pass in later? I saw him in the corridor and he had a puppy face. Plus I heard a mad wife of yours slapped him… (Derek laughs, pain hits him and a grimace paints his face). But I have the feeling this is not what is haunting you right now…

Derek: mum… please…

Mrs. Sheperd: I know you're trying to protect everybody here but… this isn't doing good to you. Do you think you can spare Meredith any pain like this? (he keeps avoiding her glare). Unlike me… you'll have to face the trial… the man who did this to you… you need to open up or this anger will eat you…

Derek: there's no rage in me, mum. Not to that man… I have already accepted to meet him once on my feet. I want to look him in the eye and get why he did this. I… (she looks down at him, a frown on her face). What?

Mrs. Sheperd: nothing… I didn't expect you to do it so quickly… I was sure you'd have but… not now. So… what is torturing you like this? (Derek closes his eyes)

Derek: I don't want Meredith to face this… I don't want her to see what happened in there, to hear it from me. Police wants to go to our house and… (he breaths out). I just want all this to be over. We need to start new with our life… to think of our kid…. But we can't do it till everything will be clear. And I can't protect her from this.

Mrs. Sheperd: do you know what your dad told me once? (Derek shakes his head lightly). You had just started to date Addison and I…

Derek: didn't like her…

Mrs. Sheperd: true… he told me that we can put our loved ones under a bell jar. We need to let them know the world. The good part of it. But even the bad. Under the bell… you'll see the bad anyway but… screaming… not that good. Let Meredith be here with you. Don't be afraid to show her your scars… you'd hurt her more.

* * *

Meredith is in a supply closet. She is picking up things for Silvia. The door opens and she looks up to find April in front of her (she lingers on her for a second and then looks away, she keeps putting stuff in her basin)

April: hi… (she comes in and talks shyly. She notices the unease in Meredith's behavior). Are you ok?

Meredith: don't pretend you care.

April: I do… How is Dr. Sheperd?

Meredith: my husband is fine. Despite you.

April: I'm sorry?

Meredith: stop the charade… I know everything. I swore not to beat you, not to look for you. But this doesn't mean I have to be nice (she keeps ignoring April)

April: what did they tell you?

Meredith: something about you getting into a rehab program without any experience… to treat psychologically the husband of your dead patient… All forbidden things…

April: I was just trying to help…

Meredith: sure… (she is done and turns around but April blocks her way out). Let me go…

April: no… (she stands in front of the door). I really wanted to help… you need to believe me…

Meredith: let me go out…

April: no! I love him… you said you got it… I love him… How could I have harmed him?

Meredith: like you did. You lied, you imposed yourself on him. On me. Even on a sick man who needed help. And you chose to push him on the edge. Your hands are dirty of Derek's blood just like Mr. Greene's. I hope you're proud of what you did. Because you could have really helped him. You could have saved him. You could have saved all this pain. But you chose to risk my life… I'm sorry Mr. Greene was less sick than you thought (April doesn't move even if Meredith takes a step forward) Seriously… Get the hell out of my way.

April: I love him…

Meredith: you don't… You did, you'd stepped in that elevator yourself… how could you look him in the eye and let him go in there?

April: I hoped…

Meredith: hoped? That's how you think love works? That was your pick: safety or harm. You let him face harm. I hope you are aware of this (she pushes her aside and walks out)

* * *

_Forgiveness is a long path to go…_

_Because sometimes the offender hurts more than the offended_

* * *

(Mark enters Derek's room shyly. He sits near the bed looking down. Derek looks up at him, a grin curls his lips when he notices the bruises on Mark's cheek)

Derek: she kicked your ass… (Mark looks up noticing the amused tone in his voice)

Mark: she took me off guard

Derek: sure… but your hard-face… won't be that good for a while (Lexie passes out of the room. She stops abruptly and enters the room, a frown on her face)

Lexie: what are you doing here?

Derek: crying on my wife hitting him.

Lexie: did she?

Mark: yeah… don't be mad at her… She had the right to be mad… (Lexie gets closer)

Lexie: do you really think it's Meredith I'm mad on? (Mark looks up at her)

* * *

_Sometimes you'd give everything to hear the magic word._

* * *

Mark: come on… do you want to punch me too?

Lexie: that would be a great idea. But since Meredith came first and he forgave you I thought of something different…. and better: no sex for you for a lot of time.

Mark: what?

Derek: she's really mad…

Mark: shut up (she looks down at Derek and then looks at Lexie)! You can't do this…

Derek: she can

Lexie: and I will. Tell he won't be out of here and on his feet, till he won't be able to fulfill his marital duties, we'll be supportive and you won't get any.

Mark: you're kidding, right? (Lexie turns around and storms out of the room. Mark is stunned). She was…. (Derek shakes his head)

Derek: I'm afraid of not…. So, if I were you, I'd really start to care about my health. It looks like my recovery will be very long. But you could knit in the while…. We could do it all together.

Mark: shut up! Do you really think she will resist? She won't… I can play ugly if I want.

Derek: that I know… but it will be difficult on you to operate on yourself so… think of it (Mark stands up and leaves meeting Mrs. Sheperd in the corridor)

* * *

_Sometimes the punishment scares you_

* * *

Mrs. Sheperd: you made up….

Mark: yes… I'm sorry I failed you.

Mrs. Sheperd: me?

Mark: you raised me like a son and I screwed up…

Mrs. Sheperd: you screwed…. a lot… … that's for sure… But I hope this is the last secret you had and the last blow you'll give him.

Mark: I promise… (he hugs her)

Mrs. Sheperd: go now… You're girlfriend is waiting for you… (he lets her go and starts walking) even if I bet that puppy face of yours is because she is going to deny you sex… not because of guilt…. (she enters Derek's room)

Mark: she won't deny me anything…. (he realizes nurses are staring and goes away)

* * *

Meredith is exiting Derek's office. She meets Bailey and Webber.

Meredith: hey…

Bailey: Grey…

Richard: are you ok?

Meredith: yeah… I guess you've heard… (their faces are puzzled) about my meeting with Kepner in the supply closet…

Bailey: no…

Richard: what happened?

Meredith: nothing… I was calm and quite and all the things usually I'm not. But I put my foot down and I hope she won't get closer any more.

Richard: you were wise…

Meredith: kind of…. It's unbelievable how she doesn't feel any regret… It's what hurts more… How did it go?

Bailey: what?

Meredith: Derek and the cops… how did it go?

Richard: hard… but fine (Meredith notices Richard has something to tell her)

Meredith: but….

Richard: they'd like to take a look in your house.

Meredith: what? Why?

Richard: to watch in Derek's stuff… nothing special…. (Meredith is doubtful)

Meredith: if it's necessary…. (she looks in her bag and takes out some keys) These are Derek's. I guess he won't need them for a while (she gives him her keys). Can they go when I'm not there?

Richard: I'll ask them. Don't worry Meredith… Everything is gonna be fine (he rubs her arm)

Meredith: sure…. (she gives a small smile and goes away)

* * *

_But what really frightens you… is the lack of consciousness._

_And of __redemption_


	15. TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE

**Tell me the truth about love**

* * *

_Life is messy… because people are screwed…_

_We fight for anything… for a car spot in the parking lot, for the best table at the restaurant._

_Up to important things…_

_Love, friendship, children, work…_

_Everything is good to put our foot down…_

_And show the worst side of ourselves…_

_The best one… buried somewhere… _

_But love… it can pull it out… _

_Love can pull out a lot of things_

_What is love? _

_Difficult question… Many people and poets tried to define it but…_

* * *

Richard is standing in front of the OR board. He feels a presence and looks around to notice Adele standing there, an annoyed look on her face. Surprise paints on his face.

Richard: Adele? (he smiles and gets closer) What are you doing here? (she answers hitting him with a newspaper). Hey…. What's on you?

Adele: what's on me? What's on me you've got the nerve to ask? That's on me! (she opens the newspaper under his eyes and comprehension kicks in. He takes the paper). Why the hell didn't you call me? Do you know I nearly had a stroke when I read this? How is Derek? And what the hell happened? And why the journalist calls him the Chief of Surgery? (her voice is escalating and people are watching)

Richard: Adele, please… (he takes her arm) not here. Come with me (he walks down the corridor till his office, Adele follows him in. She takes a look around and notices all the room looks different)

Adele: so? (Richard swallows not knowing where to start from)

Richard: first of all I tried to call you but you're never home…

Adele: I wasn't indeed. I was on cruise.

Richard: I didn't know…

Adele: and you can imagine my shock when, on our first stop, I bought the Seattle Daily to read the chief of surgery at Seattle Grace was attacked in the elevator. And, double surprise, there was Derek's photo on it.

Richard: he is fine… kind of… he's recovering…

Adele: what the hell happened?

Richard: a man whose wife died here… he… (he closes his eyes and goes sitting) It's a miracle he survived. And it will take a long time before he heals completely and can go home (he is rubbing his temples, Adele goes sitting in front of him).

Adele: are you ok? (he looks up) You look… different…

Richard: it was a very testing situation… for everybody… it still is…

Adele: and how Derek ended up being chief? (Richard looks away, someone knocks to the door and Bailey comes in)

Bailey: chief… we are ready in Sheperd's room (Richard nods and Adele turns around. Miranda recognizes her, a wide smile curls her lips). Adele… (she comes in. Adele stands up and they hug)

Adele: hi… (they break the contact and turn both to Richard) I have someone who is going to spill everything out now (Richard's face becomes serious and he stands up)

Richard: we need to go to Derek now. Don't go. We can talk more later… and you can go to say hi to Derek.

Adele: I won't move (she sits on the couch and Miranda and Richard leave)

* * *

The residents are in the lounge changing into their scrubs. Cristina's cell rings and she answers.

Cristina: Mer? Where are you? Oh… right. No, she is not here. You can come, ok… I wait for you here (she closes the phone and puts it in her pocket)

Alex: Meredith?

Cristina: yeah…

Avery: she isn't using the lounge anymore…

Cristina: she's using Derek's office. It's more private…

Reed: I overheard two nurses speaking yesterday… (Avery looks at her puzzled but she is looking at Cristina). They were saying that she is…. pregnant…. Is it true?

Meredith: it is (she is leaning on the door, a small smile on her face. She comes in). I wanted to tell you but… rumors were faster, I see (Reed seems embarrassed)

Avery: congratulations (he hugs her quickly). Are you fine?

Meredith: yes… I have to schedule my first visit but, for now, I am.

Reed: you must be head over feet…

Meredith: I'd never expected to say this but… I am… and Derek's is too…

Cristina: crap…. (everyone turns to look at her)

Meredith: what?

Cristina: now you went public I can already hear nurses and doctors and all the females talking about Little McDreamy… This will become epic… (Meredith laughs and also the others) Seriously? You laugh? If you had been around during the birth of Derek & Meredith you won't laugh that much… It's going to be creepy…

Meredith: what are you, jealous?

Cristina: no, I'm not. And then I was the first to know. It was becoming difficult not the smash the truth on all the morons pining for Sheperd…

Meredith: don't be too cruel… And, for the record, you weren't the first to know…

Cristina: And who was then?

Meredith: Izzie… she got it while you were mocking be because I was emotional. It was just the pregnancy…

April: pregnancy? (she arrived on the door without the others noticed her presence. Her lips are trembling. Cristina and Alex go closer to Meredith)

Avery: yeah… she is waiting for a baby…

Reed: I guess it will be a further push for Dr. Sheperd to heal first.

Meredith: I hope so (she goes away, she crosses and ignores April on the door)

* * *

Lexie is walking up and down the hall waiting for someone. Mark enters the door with Callie and notices her, he gets closer.

Mark: hey…

Lexie: hi

Mark: are you ok?

Lexie: yeah… I have just left early… cops were supposed to arrive at 8 and I didn't want to meet them.

Mark: who is home?

Lexie: Mrs. Sheperd… she volunteered and stayed there…

Mark: so…. What are you doing here?

Lexie: I'm waiting for my father… I've been in contact with him since Derek was…. And he wanted to come here to see me and Meredith…

Mark: it's good (he is looking towards the door and sees him coming). He's here. I leave the two of you alone. See you later (she kisses her on the cheek and leaves. Callie is still waiting for him in front of the elevator)

Callie: are you ok? (her eyes go from Mark to Lexie)

Mark: sure…

Callie: are you mad her father's here?

Mark: of course not.

Callie: oh my God… nurses were right (she smirks)

Mark: about what?

Callie: you're on sex starvation…

Mark: I'm not… she… it was just an idiom

Callie: she meant it! This is a judgment call…

Mark: what do you mean?

Callie: who hurts by sex is hurt with no sex (elevator opens and they step in)

Mark: shut up

* * *

(in the hall Lexie and Thacher are hugging)

Lexie: I find you well…

Thacher: I'm fine… And you? (they part and Thacher looks in Lexie's eyes. He strokes her cheek. Lexie's eyes are watering)

Lexie: now… not bad… but… it was awful….

Thacher: I know, sweetie (he hugs her again). Meredith? Does she know I'm here?

Lexie: no… I didn't tell her but just because I've hardly seen her in the last days. With Derek here and the work… it's difficult to catch up. But she'll be happy to see you (she takes his hand and they go to the elevator)

* * *

Teddy, Bailey and Richard are in Derek's room. Meredith runs in, a little out of breath.

Meredith: hi…

Derek: hey… you ok?

Meredith: yes, just late. The guys wanted to know about McPeanut and I lost track of time.

Derek: you're beautiful (she smiles widely)

Meredith: thank you (she kisses him). You are not that good but… I'll keep you anyway.

Derek: thank you (Meredith giggles and shows him her tongue)

Teddy: ok… we'll try to lift you up a bit now. You're ok with it?

Derek: yeah… I can take to lay like this anymore…

Meredith: you are a pain in the ass, you know that? All men are pains in the ass when they're sick (Richard turns to look askance at her). But you chief… you were a model of patient (Teddy goes to the bottom of Derek's bed)

Teddy: are you ready? You'll be dizzy at first… your head will spin…

Derek: I'm ready

Teddy: and I'm afraid you'll have a hard time in breathing. It will hurt. You need to find the right posturing.

Richard: Altman… He is ready, ok? Lift the damned bed up (Meredith gets closer to Derek and holds his hand. Teddy lifts the bed up slowly till Meredith can look directly in Derek's eyes. Derek closes his eyes and breaths in deeply)

Meredith: how do you feel?

Derek: like I'm boating… and it hurts…

Teddy: it will take some minute before the room stops spinning. It's normal. You've been laying flat on your back for more than two weeks (Derek nods without opening his eyes). There was blood in the catheter sac this morning. I'll come back later to make the treatment. If we're done… I'll go.

Derek: thank you (Teddy goes out)

Richard: since I was told you're becoming unbearable, I brought you something to read…

Derek: your Diabolik collection?

Richard: I'd never give you that… you were dying maybe… I brought you these (he handles him some medical magazines) so you'll have some leisure…

Meredith: and will be less boring

Richard: I go now… see you later (he pats Meredith's shoulder and leaves)

Meredith: so…seaman….

Derek: I can't breathe and my head spins widely

Meredith: do you want me to call Altman?

Derek: it will take too much time… I could be dead when you are back… I need a kiss of life (Meredith smiles but smacks his hand) Ouch…

Meredith: I was serious…

Derek: me too… Only a kiss… to be my steady rock while everything else spins in whirls (Meredith kisses him on the lips. April is walking in the corridor. She sees the scene through the open door)

* * *

Bailey is walking to the ER where she have to meet the residents. Owen runs to her.

Owen: I'm going out with the chopper…

Bailey: what?

Owen: they have just called… I don't know anything but I can't babysit Kepner… I need someone I can rely on, hands… (Bailey thinks while they walk together to meet the residents)

Bailey: ok, take Young with you (she gestures Cristina to go with him and they leave)… So…. Slight change…. (Teddy arrives there)

Teddy: hi (all the residents smile at her, a frown appears on her forehead). Is Yang off today?

Bailey: no… there was an emergency and I assigned her to Hunt… I hope you don't mind…

Teddy: no…. I'll pick someone else….

Bailey: as you want…

Teddy: so… Kepner… come (Bailey's eyes jump on. Teddy realizes it). Any problem?

Bailey: no… Keep a close eye on her (Teddy goes away with April)… Karev, you're with Sloan. Avery, you are with me and Webber… Reed with Torres…. Meredith, with Shad…. Nelson (Alex smirks leaning close Meredith's ear)

Alex: from the stars to the stalls…

Meredith: we can't always work with Gods…

Alex: I do…. Enjoy….

* * *

Cristina arrives on the roof and she finds Owen waiting for her.

Cristina: hey…

Owen: hi…

Cristina: where are we going?

Owen: I don't know… Somewhere downtown… There was a pile up or something… they should be here by now… (he searches the sky for the chopper). Are you ok?

Cristina: yeah… you?

Owen: I'm good… I miss you (their eyes lock and before Cristina can say anything the chopper appears in front of them. Violent gusts of air invest them and Owen snakes an arm around Cristina's shoulders to shield her. He hugs her tightly. The paramedic jumps out and opens the door. They jump in, fasten their seat bells and the chopper leaves the roof). What have we got?

Paramedic: a woman lost control of her car and hit a gas station. We can't take her out of the car… The situation is difficult because she is right above the deposit of diesel oil. She could blow up (a frown of worry paints on Owen's forehead. Cristina takes his hand and he smiles at her)

* * *

Teddy arrives in the conference room April is waiting her in. She lays a chart on the table.

April: thank you for asking me on your service.

Teddy: you don't need to thank me. It's been a long time we haven't worked together. Every resident has to be on my service at least once a week. You hadn't… (she looks up and smiles at her). I haven't any fancy case unfortunately.

April: you had…. I guess you'd have not asked for me

Teddy: why do you say that? Do you have a so little consideration of yourself?

April: it's… others have it…. They treat me like a moron… I'm getting accustomed to believe it as well…

Teddy: you don't have to let you demoralize by reproaches. You're here as you're a good doctor. Think of that.

April: ok… so… what have we got?

Teddy: this afternoon we'll run tests on a woman who needs a bypass. This morning (she looks at her clock), now, we are going to make a medication to a very special patient (she stands up).

April: a friend of yours or…

Teddy: no… our ex chief…

April: excuse me? (Teddy notices her bewildered expression)

Teddy: it's Sheperd… Are you ok with it? (April looks stunned)

April: I am… but….

Teddy: ok then. Let's go.

* * *

Meredith arrives at the Gynecologic area. She looks around, a little lost and at unease. She then sees a desk and gets closer. A girl welcomes her with a wide smile.

Girl: hi, can I help you?

Meredith; yeah… I am pregnant and I need to schedule the first control.

Girl: sure (she smiles widely and opens a book)… Have you already done the blood tests?

Meredith: to confirm pregnancy? Yeah…

Girl: no… I mean…. (she takes a list from behind her desk) these (she handles her the paper. Meredith's eyes go wide to see all the exams and tests she needs to do)

Meredith: no…

Girl: ok… they're routine tests… Do you work here?

Meredith: surgery

Girl: it will take it two-three days to have them ready… How far are you?

Meredith: I think 10 weeks more or less…

Girl: you're in time… What do you say about Friday morning at 10?

Meredith: I don't know… I could be in the OR… Do you visit also at lunch time?

Girl: sure… 12.30?

Meredith: that would be nice.

Girl: ok… so your name?

Meredith: Sheperd…. Meredith Sheperd….

Girl: see you in three days then (Meredith smiles, she puts the paper in her coat and walks away)

* * *

Derek's mum enters his son's room. He finds him up reading a magazine.

Mrs. Sheperd: hey… you're up…

Derek: mum… (he smiles)

Mrs. Sheperd: how are you? (she sits on the bed and strokes his cheek. He looks pale)

Derek: as usual…

Mrs. Sheperd: Derek…

Derek: as usual doesn't mean fine… I have a hard time breathing… and pain is still here…

Mrs. Sheperd: I'll arrange a little surprise for you in a few days… when you are in shape for that…

Derek: ok…

Mrs. Sheperd: what are you reading? It doesn't seem a best seller…

Derek: just medical stuff

Mrs. Sheperd: you look tired… when don't you put that away and try to rest? (she takes the magazine from his hands before he can answer) I'll sit there on the couch with my gossip news…

Derek: ok (she stands up and he closes his eyes. Mrs. Sheperd sits on the couch . Teddy enters the room)

Teddy: hey… we are here for the medication… (Derek opens his eyes and the left color on his face fades away when he sees April standing near Teddy. Teddy is smiling, but her face drops when she sees Derek's face tensing). You ok?

Derek: I am…

Teddy: as you are kind of green… You turned from dead pale to green in some seconds (Derek is searching Altman's face. He can read anything mischievous in there, neither worry. He gets that she probably doesn't know anything. His mum is there and he doesn't feel up to discuss). Anyway… medication….

Derek: ok (April doesn't meet his eyes. She lays the basin she brought in the room near his bed and waits for Teddy's orders)

Teddy: can you turn on the side? (Derek rolls on his right side, giving his back to April. Teddy looks at the catheter and a frown appears on her face). I'm sorry but you should go on the other side. I can't see like this (she turns around the bed and Derek rolls on the opposite side wincing. Teddy pulls a band aid off and Derek flinches). Sorry… (she checks the tube coming out of his ribs and Derek's face becomes a grimace of pain. His mum looks the scene from the couch)

April: does it hurt? (her voice is less more than a whisper. Teddy looks at her stunned)

Teddy: what kind of question is that? (she turns to Derek). Everything is fine by the way. The injection now… you can turn on your back (Derek turns on his back slowly. He tries to avoid April's face, but he can feel her stare on him. Teddy lifts his t-shirt and the lower part of the bandage. His abdomen is still covered in dark bruises and the scar is still red. April lingers there. Teddy inserts the needle and a single moan escapes Derek's lips. He closes his eyes. Teddy settles everything back and looks down at him). We're done (Derek nods). Page if you need something (they go out, April lingers behind to take another look at him and then leaves)

Mrs. Sheperd: Derek Cristopher Sheperd… can you tell me what the hell happened between you and that girl?

* * *

Sloan and Alex are working in the lab.

Mark: so…. With these strips of skin taken from the thigh we should improve the look of Mr. Trevis' hand. It won't be like new but the difference… light (Alex looks thoughtful). Am I boring you, Karev?

Alex: no… I'm sorry… I was just… thinking….

Mark: why do we use the thigh and not some other part?

Alex: because the thigh skin is more flexible and it's the one which best fits the hand movements. Its best rebound on the list is….

Mark: ok… ok… you studied…. Hand me that clamp, please… (Alex handles him the tool). Have you seen Mrs. Sheperd this morning?

Alex: yeah… she came in this morning early… She is quite a general…

Mark: don't piss her off or she'll turn you down

Alex: she is scary…

Mark: it's her mood… I heard about you and Stevens… I'm sorry

Alex: it was destiny… we were not meant to be together… she'll be happier in Africa or wherever she decided to go. I have to focus on my career now…

Mark: so, are you in?

Alex: where? (Mark turns to look at him)

Mark: plastics… creating things from nothing… being Gods….

Alex: I think I will apply for it…

Mark: do you know also what others want to do?

Alex: I guess Yang cardio, Meredith general…

Mark: general? I'd not be so sure…

Alex. Grey after Grey… Reed on trauma and Avery general too.

Mark: so Robbins and Torres will feel lonely…

Alex: they'll comfort each other

* * *

Owen and Cristina are on the accident site. They have landed some meters away but the fire men have not allowed them to get closer yet. From the car they can hear the screams of the woman. Hunt approaches a fireman annoyed.

Owen: what the hell are we waiting for?

Fireman: and who the hell are you?

Owen: Dr. Hunt from SGH. We were called here in a hurry and we've been waiting 10 minutes with that woman crying for help. She could bleed out.

Fireman: you can't go there till we have not checked on the deposit under the car.

Owen: how much this will take?

Fireman: 10 more minutes I think.

Owen: she can't have all this time. Let me go take a look.

Fireman: no… I'm responsible of you all… You could blow up if a spark hits the ground (Owen looks at the man and then at the car. Pleadings get desperate. He shakes his head and starts walking to the car)

Cristina: Owen… (the fireman catches his arm and stops him)

Fireman: you're not playing the hero down here…

Owen: I'm just trying to play the doctor (he looks into Cristina's eyes and reads the worry) Stay right there (he turns around and goes to the car. He tries to open the door but the car is contorted and he can't. He looks though the window). Madam…. Can you hear me? (the woman turns to look at him, a frightened expression on her face)

Woman: get me out of here… please

Owen: we're doing our best, ok? Do you have pain somewhere?

Woman: my side… it's crushed I think… (Owen tries to open the rear door and, after a tug, he succeeds. He goes into the car. As soon as he gets in, the smell of diesel oil bites his nostrils. A frown appears on his forehead). Oh God…. It's smoke (she starts pacing)

Owen: no panic, ok… I'm here with you. What's your name?

Woman: Anita…

Owen: fine Anita, I'm Owen…. Now I'm gonna pull the seat back. It can hurt but we need to go out of here, ok?

Woman: ok (he shifts on the rear seat. He kicks away what remains of the wind shield. Then he pulls the front seat back. After some pushes it moves and he can lower it down).

Owen: here we are… I'm almost done…. Are you ready?

Woman: yes… (he pulls the woman near him and then slowly exits from the back of the car taking Anita with him)

Cristina: what the hell is he doing? (she makes some step towards Owen who is walking to her holding the woman in his arms)

Owen: back off! It's going to blow up! (he hurries but suddenly an explosion shakes the air and Owen is thrown ahead by the airflow. He falls to the ground covering the patient's body with his. Cristina repairs herself behind the firemen car. When she looks up she notices Owen and the woman laying on the ground)

Cristina: oh my God… (she takes her case and runs towards him)

* * *

Meredith enters a conference room. Dr. Nelson is standing in front of the walls looking at some scans.

He notices her presence and a little smile curls his lips.

Nelson: dr. Grey…

Meredith: dr. Nelson… (she gets closer). Are these our patient's scans?

Nelson: no… these are your husband's scans (Meredith looks at him surprised and Nelson smiles at her). They look clear… (Meredith searches for something strange but, finally, finds anything strange)

Meredith: so why is he still not feeling his legs?

Nelson: the hematoma was really wide (he point to a scan) and still is huge. He must be patient (Meredith looks thoughtful). Life sucks…

Meredith: excuse me?

Nelson: one of the top five neurosurgeons in the world is stuck in bed with his legs unresponsive without any visible reason. I guess he is not enjoying the await (a smirk appears on his face)

Meredith: do you find this funny? (Nelson turns to her abruptly)

Nelson: of course not… (he switches the light off and goes to the table. Meredith follows him, her arms across her chest). Today we are taking care of Mr. Bredman's aneurism. Nothing special. Routine procedure (he puts the new scan on the screen).

Meredith: it's big… (Nelson shrugs)

Nelson: what are you, impressed?

Meredith: no… it's just big… You need to be careful to take it out…

Nelson: just because your husband nicked an aneurism, it doesn't mean I'll do it myself (Meredith reacts like she had been slapped but Nelson stops her before she can speak). I know my skills, I haven't the God complex, I'm good. I don't take advices from a third year resident, even if she is Dr. Sheperd's wife and she thinks she can teach me my job. Prep Mr. Bredman. OR 2, two hours (he goes away leaving Derek's scans on the table, Meredith picks them up and goes away)

* * *

Derek is awaken by the noise of steps. He opens his eyes, his mum is not sitting on the couch anymore. April is standing near his bed. His eyes meet hers for a second and then he looks away)

April: I need to take some blood (Derek stretches his arm, his stare is fixed on the empty couch. April breaths out). What they told you… it's not true (she closes a band around Derek's arm and prepares the needle. Derek exhales loudly feeling her fingers on his arm). I didn't….

Derek: don't talk to me (she flinches at the harsh and cold tone of his voice, at the lack of contact between their eyes. She looks down at his arm and start piercing it without finding the vein. Her hands are shaking and after some trial Derek turns to look at her. He takes the syringe from her hands and insert the needle. The tube is filling and he looks away)

April: do you really think I could do this to you?

Derek: I didn't… but I was wrong. You lied to me… And you betrayed my trust.

April: no…. I…. was just trying to help…

Derek: yourself maybe. And your sick mind (he turns around looking at his arm). It's full (April is frozen. She takes the tube away. Her hands are so shaky that, taking the needle out, the edge breaks before being all out). Ouch!

April: I'm sorry… I didn't mean… (she stays there frozen while Derek's blood soaks the sheet). I call a nurse (she goes away, tears fill her eyes. Derek leans his head on the pillow breathing out)

* * *

Alex, Callie and Sloan are scrubbing out from Mr. Trevis's surgery.

Sloan: how long will he take the bandage on?

Callie: one week if the hand doesn't swell

Sloan: I'll have to make medications every day

Reed: where did you take the skin from?

Sloan: update the girl, Karev

Alex: from the thigh. We have to hydrate it every day or it will go into necrosis. It's like a baby's ass.

Sloan: will you follow the post surgery with me?

Alex: sure

Sloan: see you in his room then (he goes out)

Reed: he is nice

Alex: who?

Reed: Sloan… we were told he didn't like residents and interns that much… and the teaching thing…

Callie: indeed… he doesn't (a frown appears on Reed's forehead. Callie leaves)

Alex: it looks like his girlfriend put him on sex starvation. He is weak and needs affection. Even from residents.

Reed: good for you…

* * *

Cristina and Owen are on the chopper, they are flying back to the hospital. Owen's face is bleeding, he has several cuts and scratches. Cristina is taking care of the patient. Anita is looking up at Owen.

Anita: thank you… (her eyes lock with Owen's. He smiles). If you hadn't pulled me out… (she closes her eyes. Owen looks up at Cristina and finds some tear in her eyes)

Owen: Cristina… (he tries to touch her hand but she takes it away)

Cristina: don't

Pilot: prepare for landing (Owen looks down to see SGH's roof. He notices Bailey and Webber waiting for them. The chopper touches the ground, he opens the door and jumps down. A frown appears on Bailey's face when she notices the blood on his face)

Bailey: what… Hunt….

Owen: it's nothing (Cristina comes out too and Webber can see she is upset. They help taking the gurney down and push it to the elevator. The ride is very silent. It's Owen who breaks the silence). I think she has some broken rib… and a strong contusion to the right kidney (they get to the ER, Richard stops him before entering the visit room)

Richard: it's better you have your face cleaned and stitched… Yang… go with him (without looking at him she enters the first visit room. Owen comes in too and takes his jacket away. He sits and covers his face with both hands)

Cristina: it's better you don't touch. You could infect them (he looks up to see her sitting in front of him, gloves on)

Owen: are you mad at me?

Cristina: why should I be? You walked in a car burning over a deposit of diesel oil. Against all advice. And you nearly blow up in front of my eyes. I'm sorry if I was scared (she touches a cut with a gauze and Owen flinches. He takes her wrist)

Owen: I had to do it. I am a doctor. I couldn't let her in.

Cristina: that's the point, Owen. You're a doctor! We treat patients! We don't rescue them risking our own life!

Owen: they were there standing and doing nothing. She'd have died…

Cristina: I know… and you were bald to do that. But I was scared… (he lays a hand on her cheek and smiles at her)

Owen: I'm healed… don't you get that?

Cristina: excuse me?

Owen: some time ago… I'd have frozen… before a fire… en explosion…. Today I had no hesitation. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I was no scared. I'm sorry you were… But I'm finally healed (Cristina smiles at him and then kisses him. They part and she resumes to clean his cuts)

* * *

Adele arrives in front of Derek's room. She looks in and sees he is alone. She enters. A quick glimpse on Derek is enough to notice he is pale and thinner than she remembered. She gets closer and he opens his eyes, a smile appears on his face when he recognizes her.

Derek: Adele… (he tries to lift up a bit pushing with his arms but the effort is enough to raise strong pains all around. He winces, the smile becomes a grimace). Shit… I'm sorry (she strokes his cheek realizing a cold sweat has appeared on his face)

Adele: honey… (she kisses him on the cheek)

Derek: my wife is going to be jealous… (she sits near his bed taking his hand)

Adele: of an old and fat woman? I don't think so… (she giggles)

Derek: I found you great… (he closes his eyes) I guess you can't tell the same about me…

Adele: you need to be patient… but I know from my own experience doctors are the worst patients…

Derek: we really are… (he gives her a small smile). I didn't know you were here…

Adele: I was abroad indeed. On a cruise. And I read what happened on the newspaper. Richard didn't call me… neither to say he wasn't the chief anymore. And he is avoiding me since this morning… (Derek notices an annoyed look on her face but he looks away) Can you tell me what happened? (Derek breaths out, he shakes his head and exhales another time. He fights the pain, Adele feels his hand shaking in hers). I'm sorry… You are exhausted and I'm here bothering you with a lot of questions I should ask my husband (Derek winces once more and Adele looks scared). Derek…

Derek: I'm fine… (he breaths out) It's just sometimes … it comes suddenly… and…. (Adele stands up and kisses his forehead) We screwed up…

Adele: excuse me?

Derek: Richard and I… we screwed up…. We started fighting for everything…. I was sure I was doing right and… he was too…. We ended up hurting each other and I… kind of betrayed him (Adele stares down at him, a frown on her face). I don't think we… I don't know…

Adele: rest now. I'm gonna talk with that stupid husband of mine and have him spit the truth. Usually I would do the same with you but… for now… I'm merciful

Derek: thank you

Adele: just today… but I'm going to come back… prepare yourself (she goes away and Derek closes his eyes)

* * *

Meredith and Nelson are in the OR. Meredith is holding the clamp right near him.

Nelson: so… you have a lot of experience with aneurisms… (she tries to ignore his tone)

Meredith: I have seen this kind of surgery sometimes…

Nelson: so… would you tell me how to proceed now, Dr. Grey?

Meredith: I would clamp the outstanding vessel, isolate the aneurism and take it off…

Nelson: that's the old school… I don't do that… Clamping is a loss of time…

Meredith: what if the aneurism ruptures?

Nelson: it won't

Meredith: but the blood will enter the brain…

Nelson: Dr. Grey… do you want to teach me?

Meredith: no sir. I was just discussing techniques with you (she goes back watching him working right in time to see the aneurism rupturing. Monitors start to beep)

Nelson: what the hell did you do?

Meredith: nothing… I didn't flinch.

Nelson: you did and nicked it

Meredith: I didn't do anything (she talks loud looking directly at Nelson)

Nelson: we'll talk about this later (he is working frantically). Suction, please… Sucker… Damned it… Blood has entered the brain (Meredith doesn't stir). What do we do now?

Meredith: put the patient under anti epileptic drugs for next week.

Nelson: fine… I guess you are happy with that…

Meredith: I am not. He won't be either.

Nelson: I'm done here. You can go scrub out (Meredith puts the clamp down and exits the OR. She takes off her mask and gloves and breaths heavily. She starts washing her hands when Nelson comes out. He looks annoyed, he throws his mask and gloves in the bin and washes his hands nervously). You have no right to do that…

Meredith: doing what?

Nelson: criticizing my skills and procedures…

Meredith: I have never done this. You asked me how I would have done and I answered. You criticized what I was taught. I have no experience to judge techniques, but I know what rupturing an aneurism can do.

Nelson: your husband is a good teacher in that… (Meredith breaths out and turns to look at him)

Meredith: he respects you. You should do the same. He made a mistake. You did one too. It happens. Only that your patient was not pregnant and the baby didn't reject the blood you had to push in to compensate the bleeding (Nelson shrugs) Ok… enough with this crap…

Nelson: excuse me?

Meredith: Derek made a mistake. He paid for it. But you know what? He learnt from it too. He knows how to prevent stress to patients, he knows what is best for them and he is not afraid to waste ten minutes of his time to do cheap procedures that can reduce complications and risks. Plus, he would have never treated a resident like you did in the OR. And not because it's me. He likes teaching. For you it's just a bother. That's why he is one of the top five neurosurgeons, Derek Sheperd and you're just Shadow Sheperd… (she throws the towel in the bin and goes away)

* * *

_So… love…._

_Love can let our weaknesses emerge _

* * *

April is walking down the corridor to the locker room. Her eyes are puffy since her last encounter with Derek. Teddy is sitting in the conference room and sees her.

Teddy: Dr. Kepner… (she stops and looks at her in the room. Teddy realizes she is not good. She stands up and pulls her in closing the door behind them) What's wrong?

April: nothing… I'm fine. I took Dr. Sheperd's blood and brought it down to the lab. If there is nothing more, I'd go (Teddy is between April and the door)

Teddy: what's up with you?

April: I don't know what you are talking about…

Teddy: why is the world mad on you?

April: because… I don't know… really

Teddy: you have a crush on him?

April: excuse me?

Teddy: don't get me repeat it…

* * *

_And it can humiliate us_

* * *

April: kind of… Everyone is mad on me but… I didn't choose this… Can I go now? This is so humiliating…. (Teddy lets her go and then she goes out as well. She enters the attending lounge and finds Owen changing into his street clothes. She notices a band aid on his forehead and a lot of scratches on his arms)

Teddy: hey… what happened to you?

Owen: I rescued a woman on a triage and her car blew up… we were invested by the explosion…

Teddy: are you ok?

Owen: just some cut… nothing important… Your day?

Teddy: a total tedium. This morning I took care of Sheperd… I had a surgery this afternoon but it was moved to tomorrow… Quite day…

Owen: I know I stole Cristina from you…

Teddy: never mind… I worked with Kepner… (Owen is buttoning his shirt. He stops)

Owen: on Sheperd?

Teddy: yeah…

Owen: does the chief know?

Teddy: I don't know. Should he? (Owen diverts his eyes) Is this because she has a crush on him? You are all treating her like she had plague because she fell for Sheperd?

Owen: what?

Teddy: he was the only one trying to treat her civilly. Better, at least he ignored her… (Owen shuts his locker violently)

Owen: did she say this to you?

Teddy: what?

Owen: the crush thing….

Teddy: more or less…

Owen: go report to the chief… stat (he storms off the room)

* * *

_It can make impossible for you to do your own job._

_Others try to take advantage of your status… they try to let you feel inadequate and out of place_

* * *

Cristina is sitting at the cafeteria. Meredith joins her. She sinks in a chair breathing out.

Meredith: you look like crap…

Cristina: you too… Owen nearly blew up today…

Meredith: I heard… Are you ok?

Cristina: yeah… he looked calm, you know. Perfectly in control of everything.

Meredith: maybe he has really healed…

Cristina: I think he has… And you?

Meredith: I sent Nelson to hell…

Cristina: Shadow Sheperd?

Meredith: he joked me around and nicked an aneurism in the while.

Cristina: he wanted to shine for once in his miserable life…

Meredith: he is mean and clumsy. I wonder how he became a surgeon…

Cristina: kiss the frog..,. maybe he'll get into a shining prince…

Meredith: all he can get into is a pumpkin! (they laugh). I'm a wreck (she stretches her legs), I fell like a run a marathon…

Cristina: it's better you go home… (Meredith stands up)

Meredith: yeah… I go see Derek and then I'll go. Good night (she smiles and leaves Cristina there)

* * *

_It leaves you alone… leaving a nasty pain behind itself._

_A trail of broken promises and shattered words…_

* * *

Richard enters his office to find Adele on the couch.

Richard: Adele… I thought you were gone…

Adele: you hoped I was… but you told me to wait for you. And I did. Plus I got an interesting conversation with Derek. I could not press him since he nearly passed out but… two words of his were enough to understand you made a real mess this time.

Richard: Adele…

Adele: sit down (he is going to answer back). Sit down (he sits). Derek told me the two of you had some problems… he said he was his fault… that he deceived you… (Richard breaths out)

Richard: I started drinking… again…

Adele: Richard… (disbelief paints on her face)

Richard: the hospital had problems, I could not manage them… the board wanted to give my job to Derek and I… drowned myself in scotch. It's me who betrayed his friendship… he told me he was offered the position and I got mad… I closed him out. And started to do what was best for me and not for the hospital…

Adele: go on…

Richard: I even fired him… because he was trying to do his job and I could only say no… I became a bad guy… I don't know if I became bad as I started to drink or if started to drink because I realized I was bad. Only Meredith knew… and I tried to convince her it was not a problem… not to tell Derek. But he got it. He offered me his help again but I was too mad and blurred to accept… and I let him no choice than reporting me. That's how he became Chief.

Adele: why are you still here?

Richard: he convinced me to stay here as a surgeon. Oh… I forgot saying that I have almost killed a man on a high surgery… I fought him… I told him several times he was not a good chief… but I was only jealous as people really appreciated him… and then…. (he closes his eyes) I don't think I can make up with him…

Adele: have you told him this?

Richard: no

Adele: he is like a son to you…

Richard: and look what I did to him… When that elevator opened… I thought he was dead… There was blood everywhere… he was laying there… still…. His eyes were glassy… and then he squeezed my hand and I felt … I couldn't think… I left him alone… I brought him here from New York for this and I left him alone (Adele takes his hand)

Adele: he respects you. And he loves you. Talk to him. Things will be better than before (she stands up and walks to the door). You are better than before (she leaves)

* * *

_But then… unexpectedly… it can support you where you never would have expected it._

_And when you really need it…_

* * *

Meredith arrives in Derek's room. A wide smile on her face. Derek is reading one of his mum's magazines.

Derek: hey… you're happy (she sits on the bed and takes the cover of the magazine)

Meredith: what are you, a gossiper?

Derek: I didn't know what to do… Good day?

Meredith: more or less… I helped Dr. Nelson today. Aneurism.

Derek: you don't seem enthusiastic…

Meredith: he is an ass… He bickered me all the time… and then made a mistake and got mad at me…

Derek: why?

Meredith: because he is not you… And he knows that… (Derek looks at her, a frown on his face)

Derek: Mer…

* * *

_But love can push you to do amazing things…_

* * *

Meredith: don't worry. He won't kick me out of the program (he kisses him). Mmm… I was forgetting (she picks a paper from her bag). I scheduled my first visit… it's in three days… I didn't know how many test a pregnant woman had to endure… Do you think…

Derek: even if I had to drag myself till that room… I'll be there (Meredith smiles and takes his hand)

* * *

_It can give you solace_

* * *

Meredith: and you? What did you do? (her eyes wander around the room and she notices the blood on the sheet). Did you try to slit your wrists? (she giggles)

Derek: no… the needle broke during the blood sample…

Meredith: ouch… (Mrs. Sheperd comes in)

Mrs. Sheperd: yeah… everybody is mad at him

Meredith: Mrs. Sheperd…

Mrs. Sheperd: more than a medication that seemed a torture to me. They had him roll left and right like he was a ball…

Derek: mum…

Mrs. Sheperd: and that young girl looked on the verge of crying all the time

Meredith: young girl? (a frown appears on her forehead and her eyes meet Derek's. He swallows). She came in here?

* * *

_It can drive you crazy with and worry…_

* * *

Derek: Mer… (he takes her hand and she notices the bruises on his forearm. She strokes it and then looks up). She didn't do it on purpose. And she came in with Altman… I think she doesn't know… I'm fine… Seriously… (Meredith looks up to see April walking down the corridor. She breaths out and Derek can't stop her from following Kepner in the toilets. She slams the door behind her and April turns around scared)

* * *

_It can raise your temperament till you do stupid things_

* * *

Meredith: I thought I was pretty clear in the closet but… it seems you didn't get my message straight…

April: what…

Meredith: shut up! If you dare to go close to him once more, charge or not charge, I'll tell the whole hospital what you did. You'll be banished from everyone. You'll never get into an OR again.

April: you can't…

Meredith: I can… Are you some kind of sadist? How much pain do you want to cause him? Because I think it was enough. If you lay a hand on him again… I will rip your puppy eyes off with my bare hands… Don't test me on that… (April goes away sobbing. Meredith goes to the sink and opens the water. She hears a cubicle door opening and notices Dr. Wyatt coming out)

Dr. Wyatt: sorry… I could not help listening…

Meredith: it's fine…

Dr. Wyatt: you were hard on her…

Meredith: never enough…

Dr. Wyatt: what did she do to him?

Meredith: today… she just broke a needle in his arm (a grimace of pain paints on Dr. Wyatt's face)

Dr. Wyatt: ouch… (she shrugs)… And before? (Meredith looks straight in the mirror in front of her. She stops the water and dries her hands. She turns around to face the psychologist. She shakes her head).

Meredith: I can't tell you by now (she leaves)

* * *

_But finally there's no proper answer to that question…._

_Anybody please…._

_Tell me the truth about love…_


	16. SEVEN SWEATED SHIRTS

Seven sweated shirts

* * *

_Hercules got his seven efforts…_

_So I studied at college... I don't even remember what they were about..._

_Then I started my internship and I guess I sweated more than seven shirts... coats... whatever..._

_Medicine sucks the life out of you..._

_It takes all your energy away._

_After a night of work, all you want is sleeping... resting...._

_But all you get is more work... and sweat_

* * *

Richard walks down the corridor to the conference room. He lingers a moment in front of Derek's door when he realizes he is completely under sheets and blankets, the only thing visible his face. He enters and gets closer, a frown on his face when he realizes Derek's sweating heavily. He lays a hand on his forehead just to feel it normal...

Derek: I haven't a fever (he talks sleepishly, his eyes closed. Richard pulls the sheet down and looks up at Derek crossed noticing he is trembling under the covers)

Richard: Derek... you are soaking wet... Whay didn't you call a nurse?

Derek: it has just started... (a grimace appears on his face, he exhales and Richard notices he is curling his legs). My legs have decided to work...

Richard: do they hurt?

Derek: it's my back... it sends shocks all around... and I started sweating like this...

Richard: you are an irresponsible, you know that? You should have paged someone stat (he takes the morphine pump control just to realize it's already at the height). Damn it... Wait a minute... I'll go page Bailey and Hunt (he turns around to go out)

Derek: why?

Richard: because you need to change that shirt if you don't want to get a stroke. And I want to see your scans right now (he storms out of the room)

* * *

All the residents and many attendings are at the main conference room.

Sloan and Bailey are on the podium preparing the slides, Callie, Arizona, Hunt and Nelson are sitting in the front rows.

Meredith: what's this about?

Alex: I don't know... a fancy case I'd say...

Reed: how fancy?

Alex: no idea

Lexie: I heard Isabel Swanson could come here...

Avery: who? (the guys share uncertain looks)

Lexie: have you ever heard about her?

Cristina: should we? (Lexie breaths out)

Meredith: wait... is she the woman who fainted at home?

Lexie: yeah..

Cristina: and why is she so famous then?

Lexie: beacause her dog ate all her face while she was on the floor (a grimace of disgust paint their faces). She has already had 32 surgeries. But she still can't feel anything.

Reed: do you think Sloan will try something?

Alex: of course he will... He is the best... (April joins them. She gets an annoyed glare by Alex and Cristina, Meredith just ignores her. She sits near Reed who realizes her discomfort and pats her leg)

Sloan: hi everybody... We are ready to go... So... Seing the miserable results we got in teaching you sensivity, we have decided to have this further training. I'm gonna talk to you about a really tough case we should be called to operate on in a few time (Bailey's, Hunt's and Nelson's pagers beep simultaneously. Mark sends an annoyed look to Miranda). I told you to be free this morning...

Bailey: and I told everybody not to page me... (she looks at the screen) It's the chief... It's Derek... (she sends a quick look to Meredith and stands up, Hunt and Nelson are already going out of the room)

Meredith: it's Derek...

Cristina: what? (she stands up and follows them) Mer...

Bailey: have I told you to come, Grey?

Meredith: there is something wrong with Derek...

Hunt: we don't know it yet...

Meredith: but you were paged... (they walk through the corridors till they join the elevator)

Nelson: I think we can deal with it without you (Bailey sends him a deathly glare)

Bailey: you can come upstairs to take a look, ok?

Meredith: thank you

* * *

They finally get into Derek's room. Richard has arranged a gurney near the bed. Derek is laying flat on his back, his legs curled, an arm on his face.

Bailey: chief... what's going on?

Richard: I don't know... but first of all we need to change him and these sheets too (Bailey gets closer and realizes Derek's state).

Bailey: what did you do? A steam bath?

Derek: kind of... (Meredith gets closer and puts her hand on his face, his skin is slick with sweat)

Meredith: hey... you move your legs...

Derek: yeah... (Richard gestures Owen to go to the opposite side of the bed)

Richard: on my three (they take the sheets to lift Derek up). Go! (they lift him and settle on the stretcher. Richard takes the scissors and cuts Derek's shirt away)

Derek: it was one of my favourite...

Bailey: shut up... Bandages are soaked too... We need new ones

Meredith: I go to take them... (she exits and Richard cuts the bandages away. Bailey exhales loudly seeing the dark bruises on Derek. Nelson grows paler)

Richard: they don't seem to get better... (Derek winces, arching his back lightly)

Derek: do you think I could take a look at my scans? This is not normal...

Nelson: I looked at them this morning... The hematoma is still wide...

Derek: this doesn't justify the tremors, the sweating and... (he closes his eyes and winces)... Shit.... (Meredith comes in the room, she arrives in front of the stretcher and she stops dead in her traks to see Derek's thorax covered in bruises and scars. She lets the basin she was holding fall to the ground. Bailey sees she has grown pale and takes her sitting on the couch. Her head is spinning)

Nelson: I think a little more morphine will be enough to stop the pain...

Derek: is that your professional opinion? (his voice is harsh)

Nelson: it is... I know it's difficult but a little pain is normal in this situation

Richard: little pain?

Derek: get the hell out of here...

Nelson: excuse me?

Richard: he said get out... I wait you in my office at 14 (Nelson goes away and Richard takes the scans and handles them to Derek. He waves them in front of his eyes)

Derek: there's nothing... (Meredith stands up and gets closer to Derek). Are you ok? (Meredith nods, a tear falls from her eyes. She wipes it away but she can't control herself and she goes away) Mer... damned it! This thing is killing her...

Bailey: give her time... It's the first time she looked at this... (Derek pulls the scans down and massages his temples)

Derek: it could be an infection...

Richard: where?

Derek: the cord maybe...

Richard: we should make a spinal drawing to be sure...

Derek: I can do that...

Bailey: I go arrange it... (she exits and sees Meredith sitting against the wall) Grey...

Meredith: I'm sorry... I could not...

Bailey: it's fine to be upset...

Meredith: how... he.... crap....

Bailey: hey... get up... get up! (Meredith stands up) We are taking him down for an injection in the spine. He suspects an infection. I know it's hard, it's painful even to watch but... he'd need you there... (Meredith looks up) If he's right... he is going to have a hard time... (Meredith nods). I'll page when we are ready... Go back to the conference...

* * *

In the conference room Sloan is showing slides of the potential patient. The photos just show pieces of her face.

Callie: why do you think he is not showing the big picture?

Arizona: I guess it's really hard to look at...

Callie: oh my God... Is that a mouth?

Arizona: I am afraid it is... What kind of dog did that? A pitbull?

Callie: If I remerber properly it was a cocker or something like that...

Arizona: it's impossible... Dogs don't do things like that...

Callie: it thought she was dead...

Arizona: and we define it our best friend...

Callie: you do it. You said you want a house full of dogs... I don't like them... I'm all for kids...

Arizona: shut up... (the slide change)

Reed: oh my God...

Avery: I've never seen anything like this...

Alex: 'cause you've never met black hole...

Lexie: Alex... (she rolls her eyes at him)

Avery: who is he?

Alex: the patient we had six months ago. He was defaced by a car accident. His face was... a black hole...

Lexie: the left part of his face was missing... cheek, mouth... everything... that's what he means...

Alex: Sloan made a face transplant and now he is really cute...

Cristina: he fools himself if he thinks to fix her face... (another slide) Look that... even if he can improve her appearance, he can not give her sensibility back...

Alex: maybe Shadow Sheperd can... (they eye the doctor coming back in the room)

Cristina: you owe me 20 bucks...

Alex: we don't know it yet...

Avery: what?

Cristina: I bet Sheperd would kick him out of his room in ten minutes... (she looks at her clock) They have not passed yet (Meredith arrives and sits back, the guys notice she looks sad and worried). So?

Meredith: not now...

Alex: Meredith...

Meredith: not now (her voice is firm and they give up. Sloan takes the last slide on. Murmurs fill the room)

Reed: holy crap... (the residents look one the other)

Cristina: what are you, Alex, vomiting?

Alex: No hope... I am already excited to do this...

Avery: doing what?

Alex: surgery...

April: who do you know he'll pick you?

Alex: first, since we are here, it means they will need a lot of people. Noone is out a priori, secondly I'm gonna be Sloan's resident in a few weeks. He won't let me out.

Cristina: good for you...

* * *

Bailey is at the nurses station. She is on the phone and Altman approaches her.

Teddy: hi...

Bailey: hey...

Teddy: is Sloan's conference over? (Bailey takes a look at her watch)

Bailey: it should be by now...

Teddy: I thought you were one of the speaker...

Bailey: I was till the chief didn't page me for Sheperd and now I'm here trying to have a damn spinal kit ready for the afternoon...

Teddy: spinal kit?

Bailey: he could have an infection to the cord. We need to check.

Teddy: what if he had?

Bailey: we'd have him take antibiotics... What the hell of question is that?

Teddy: nothing... he is not that lucky lately...

Bailey: no... (she hears a voice in the telephone and turns her attention there). Ok... so it's available? Right.. I'll be there at 3 pm, ok? Thank you (she puts the reciever down violently). Morons...

Teddy: mad?

Bailey: half an hour to check in the closet if they still have supplies... Maybe they don't know we don't have time to spare up here...

Teddy: they hava a different menthality... you shouldn't blame them for that (her pager beeps) It's the ER... Are residents available now?

Bailey: yes... just...

Teddy: don't have Kepner near Sheperd or Grey, I got that. I just would like to know why.

Bailey: trust me, you don't (Teddy goes away, Miranda sees her paging someone)

* * *

Richard is in his office. Someone knocks to the door and Jennings come in.

Jennings: Webber...

Richard: Mr. Jennings... (he sits in front of Richard)

Jennings: I was a little surprised to hear your call. Everything is fine?

Richard: yeah...

Jennings: you're back on the saddle... It's like bicycling.

Richard: more or less... I called you as I needed to talk to you about Kepner's situation...

Jennings: Webber... you know my hands are tied till the police hasn't something more concrete than a murderer's assessment...

Richard: they have now

Jennings: what are you talking about?

Richard: Lewis called me this morning. They have found plenty of Kepner's fingerprints in Sheperd's house.

Jennings: have they heard her?

Richard: yeah... and she denies everything... She says Sheperd sent her to pick up stuff from his house. A month ago or so...

Jennings: is that true?

Richard: in part.

Jennings: Richard...

Richard: her fingerprints were on a broken frame, in the bathroom, everywhere... Sheperd's roomates say that photo was not broken for that much time...

Jennings: you know we can't do anything...

Richard: listen to me. This situation can not be managed anymore. Kepner already went to Sheperd. Twice. She faced Meredith Grey. I can not live here wondering every minute of every day what she'll be doing. She's in denial. And dangerous.

Jennings: I'm sorry... (he stands up, Richard does too)

Richard: I will tell all the attendings.

Jennings: you can't do that.

Richard: I can and I will. If you can't suspend her, I will inform my staff. They need to know.

Jennings: she can suit us

Richard: I'm not afraid of this anymore. Every day there are complications with Sheperd. He needs peace, for himself and his wife. He doen't need to open his eyes and find her there.

Jennings: I get this, seriously, but...

Richard: there's no but. This is not a joke, it's not diplomacy. I won't let political choices interfere anymore in my hospital. I let it and I made a mess. You want to keep Kepner here? Hire her as your personal secretary... Her time is over here (Jennings goes away and Richard sits back in his chair)

* * *

Cristina has put his coat exiting the locker lounge. Her pager beeps and a frown appears on her forehead when she reads the sender. She arrives in front of Derek's room and goes in.

Cristina: hey...

Derek: hi

Cristina: did you page?

Derek: yes...

Cristina: you look like crap...

Derek: thanks.. I was in need of someone cheering me up

Cristina: so...

Derek: Meredith...

Cristina: your wife?

Derek: who else? Was she fine this morning?

Cristina: fine is a big word... Did something happen?

Derek: I am a serious canditate for a spinal infection... She came in and my hot scars and bruises were free to see...

Cristina: oh... She dumped you? (she giggles and shrugs seeing Derek's serious face). Come on Sheperd... relax... I'm trying to be nice here... cheer you up.... bury the battle-axe.

Derek: were we on war?

Cristina: no... but I didn't like you that much

Derek: you made it crystal clear. Why past tense?

Cristina: what do you mean?

Derek: you said didn't...

Cristina: did I? (Derek laughs)

Derek: you're too smart for me right now... Take a look on her.

Cristina: I will... but you should stop to draw bad luck. Did you pee in a church?

Derek: not last time I went in... So, can I count on you?

Cristina: sure... Am I going to be McPeanut's godmother?

Derek: I thought you didn't like kids...

Cristina: who told you that?

Derek: anybody.. I just had a feeling... (Cristina is leaving) I took the romantic stuff in your life... All for love... just like me. And for the record... I'd fight for him (Cristina turns around to look at him stunned)

Cristina: you... are a cheater!

Derek: I'm not

Cristina: I thought you were in the world of deads but you're listening... McAss... (she slams the door behind her)

* * *

Meredith is eating on her own in the cafeteria. Alex arrives to sit with her.

Alex: hey...

Meredith: hi... (Cristina arrives and sets her trays in front of them before sitting)

Cristina: oh... I needed this...

Alex: what? A tomato and a carrot?

Cristina: rest... lunch time... I'm tired...

Meredith: me too... my ankles are swollen...

Alex: already?

Meredith: yeah...

Alex: so, what about this morning?

Meredith: Derek could have a spinal infection... He can feel his legs now but... (she breaths out) We are going for a test in the afternoon.

Alex: is this why you're upset?

Cristina: no (both Meredith and Alex look at her). She is because she had a closer look on Derek and saw the havoc for the first time... (Meredith puts her sandwich down).

Alex: it's going to fix with the time... you know that...

Meredith: I'm not afraid of the scars... I... sometimes I think of what he felt... of what happened in there and when I saw all those bruises...

Cristina: you don't need to think of that, Mer... Derek seems to be fine, he is calm, maybe he'll need to talk with someone sooner or later but now, you can't fall apart.

Meredith: what did you drink, the water of wisdom?

Cristina: I went to see him... We had a talk... kind of...

Meredith: you and Derek... talking... Do I have to look for a new stab?

Cristina: I would not rage on a man who can defence himself... But he cheated...

Alex: on who?

Cristina: not on who... on what?

Meredith: Cristina... what are you talking about?

Cristina: I kissed Owen while he was in a coma... I went to his room and confided in him...

Meredith: in Derek? (her face is bewildered, Alex is laughing)

Cristina: I didn't think he was listening to me!

Alex: so you confided in someone hoping he wasn't listening?

Meredith: so much of Cristina...

Cristina: but the point is that he did! And he repeated this morning what I told him. That was mean! He wasn't supposed to do that... You know what? I started to like him but now... two steps back... (Meredith sucks from her glass loudly). Ok... one... he accepted me as Little McDreamy's godmother...

Meredith: you volunteered? (she laughs at Cristina)

Cristina: he begged me... seriously... I was afraid he could have a stroke had I said no... I did it for you Mer...

Meredith: sure...

* * *

Webber enters the conference room. All attendings are in there, Bailey and Nelson too.

Richard: good morning... (he sits at the head of the table). I'm sorry I gave you a short time notice. But there's something you need to know, it's quite about time. I want you to know that the board doesn't agree with what I'm going to do. But seeing what happened in the last few days, I had no choice. I rely in your professionalism, in your good sense and judgment. I don't want retaliations going on, I just want you all to protect two people. Then we'll see...

Nelson: excuse me, chief. But what are you talking about? I've never taken part in these meetings and what you're saying is meaningless to me.

Bailey: to others too. Just let him finish. Then you'll talk.

Nelson: sure... excuse me.

Richard: I know many of you have raised doubts and complains about the treatment a resident is receiving in the last weeks.

Teddy: are you talking about Kepner, sir?

Richard: I am... What I'm going to tell you is private, still under investigation. So don't run into conclusion. But don't ignore it. April Kepner is officially under investigation for the aggression Dr. Sheperd suffered within this hospital.

Mark: what? (he stands up)

Teddy: what are you talking about? I thought the man was arrested...

Richard: slow down... all of you... Sloan, sit down. Mr. Greene was arrested and admitted he was the material executor. But Kepner gave him an alibi at first. And she could have avoided all this.

Mark: seriously Webber... Don't play with words. What the hell are you talking about?

Richard: I'm talking about the fact that she knew Mr. Greene was dangerous and was going to do something bad. Instead of talking she tried to get Meredith killed instead of Derek. She tried to convince Mr. Greene it was her choice to unplug his wife. So, the reason I am mad at Kepner and some attending is babysitting her for some day, is this. So now you get why I don't want her to go close to either of them (Mark stands up and storms out of the room. Hunt follows him)

Teddy: oh my God... I... (she hides her face in the hands)

Bailey: you could not know...

Teddy: I had to understand.... when she entered Sheperd's room... it was like he saw a ghost...

Bailey: you could not know and he was strong enough to manage it. Just don't push further. He is walking on the edge now (Callie, Arizona, Bailey and Teddy leave. Nelson stands up)

Richard: Dr. Nelson... I wanted to talk to you... (Shadow Sheperd sits down)

* * *

The residents are bending against the railing, looking at the conference room.

Alex: attending party?

Cristina: maybe they're deciding the new chief...

Meredith: why? Isn't Webber staying?

Avery: maybe he's going to retire...

Reed: I don't think so... Maybe they're talking about our specialties...

Meredith: this is more likely...

Cristina: so why Shadow Sheperd is in there? Do you really think Webber will let him decide which resident to pick?

Meredith: I don't think he hasn't any other choice... Derek will be out of the game for a lot of time...

Alex: Mer... are you applying in general?

Meredith: I don't know...

Reed: it's impossible... We have to deliver the forms in two days... You must have decided something...

Meredith: I haven't. I'm still unsure if I prefer to play Ellis Greys's daughter or Mrs. Sheperd... What would you do at my place?

Reed: I don't know... you're good in both....

Cristina: Hypocrite... Yesterday we were whores screwing attendings and now we are good surgeons...

Reed: I apologized for that. You are both good surgeons. She became a star with the trial, so neuro is good. Not to mention that he could have the best teacher ever. But genes are genes... so general... not to throw away...

Meredith: I'll wait for a night lightening....

Alex: Sheperd can't do it now...

Meredith: I was not talking about sex... You know what? We are a healthy couple, we do more than screwing... we just do it quit... so you don't realize it...

Alex: ohhh... that was lightening... (they all laugh)

Meredith: and you, fret boy bitch?

Alex: I'm gonna be Sloan's pet

Avery: I thought you were too badass to fix noses and boobs...

Alex: I like this perspective... And you, cardio girl?

Cristina: my form is already on Webber's desk (Sloan's exits slamming the door. Owen follows him)

Avery: troubles in paradise... maybe they are fighting for you, Karev...

Meredith: enough with the spying thing, whatever is about we'll know it (she looks at the guys near her and realizes for the first time April isn't there). Where's... she?

Avery: who?

Alex: the third survivor of Mercy West...

Reed: I don't know. She is not spending a lot of time with us. Maybe she perceives you don't like her that much...

Meredith: I do... when she stays away from me and my husband (all the pagers beep)

Cristina: it's the ER...

Reed: something big...

Avery: let's move...

* * *

The residents arrive in front of the elevator. Bailey, Teddy and Owen are there too.

Cristina: what's up?

Bailey: a bunch of idiots found nothing better than killing each other at the football game... (the elevator opens and they all go in)

Owen: we have a lot of traumas coming in

Meredith: how are the consignments?

Bailey: I want to see how the things are (the doors open and they are welcomed by screams, people running by. There are two groups of people shouting at each other, throwing insults). What the hell is going on? (she walks out and gets in the middle of the room). Sirs... (the guys keep screaming) Sirs... Stop (she screams so loud everybody shuts up) Well... I got your attention... This is a hospital. We are doctors. And you're patients and in need of help. So shut the hell up. Major cases are already in the visit rooms. We'll call you later. If I hear a fly I'll kick you out (Hunt sees the stunned expressions of the people in the ER)

Owen: she will... really do it... (Bailey turns to look at him annoyed)

Bailey: thank you for supporting me... Grey, wait there. Shadow Sheperd should be here in a while (Meredith is about to talk) I'll page you when we bring Derek down. Move (Meredith enters the visit room). Yang, with Hunt (they go), Avery with Altman and Reed, with me. Karev... Sloan was waiting for you. Let's go people (every doctor goes where assigned)

* * *

Richard is in the conference room with Shadow Sheperd.

Richard: I've analyzed a lot of papers lately... and I've noticed you have stepped down from a lot of cases...

Nelson: some... not many...

Richard: why?

Nelson: I thought they were out of my league

Richard: what are you, kidding me?

Nelson: no chief

Richard: how long have you been working here?

Nelson: twelve years sir, since the last years of my internship

Richard: and you had never missed a surgery. If you thought they were too difficult for you, you asked an opinion to the head of your department. But since Derek became chief, you never did it anymore. Why?

Nelson: it's just a coincidence... I hold no grudge against him

Richard: I felt differently this morning.

Nelson: you're wrong

Richard: it looked like you enjoyed the situation. And even some day ago... you made a scene to Dr. Grey in the OR. It's not your behaviour. You've been handling Sheperd's scans for two weeks and never ran a test on him, not a visit, anything. Is this the kind of care you provide to your patients?

Nelson: scans were clear. We just had to wait.

Richard: and never informed him about that?

Nelson: he knew...

Richard: Derek is a patient right now. He can be a neuro God but... here.... he's a patient who suffered a traumatic situation, he is under a lot of stress and pain. Her needs to be updated. Have you problems with that?

Nelson: haven't you?

Richard: excuse me?

Nelson: everybody here knows he stabbed you in the back. He had not the talent and the skills to be chief. He had not the experience to manage difficult situations and diplomatic issues. What happened to him... he looked for that (Webber is stunned). It'd have never happened to you. You know how to deal with people, you know how to give them compassion, you know how to deliver the worst news. People respect you. Sheperd... is just a fancy, arrogant chick playing on female hots for him... Do you really blame Kepner? He probably sniffed her in the elevators... like he did with his so called wife before and while he was married... You're nothing like him...

Richard: are you done? (Nelson smiles at him). You should be ashamed of yourself... And you say you don't hold grudge to him... Did he ever do something to you?

Nelson: after stealing my job?

Richard: I gave him your job. And it was not yours. You're the interim chief of neurosurgery. There was a selection going on. And Sheperd was the best candidate. He still is. You know that. So, why? You're reporting a lot of things you heard around, you never witnessed one of them. Is this enough to hate a man?

Nelson: I don't...

Richard: you do... you are envious and you shut your eyes. You never looked at him like a colleague who could teach something to you. You have been working with the best for three years and got nothing.

Nelson: why do you protect him?

Richard: because I've known him since he was a twenty years old boy. What you think of him... has nothing to do with the Derek Sheperd I know... who is loyal like anyone I have ever met (Nelson giggles)

Nelson: yeah... that's why he took your job... that's why you two where jumping at each other's throat a lot of times...

Richard: what....

Nelson: seriously, chief... You don't need to do that... After what you had us understand...

Richard: what?

Nelson: that he wasn't cut for the job... that he managed people like he managed his OR: chaos and improvisation. We'd be much better with you back (his pager beeps and he stands up) It looks like I'm going to work with the post it wife again...

Richard: Dr. Nelson... I'm very deceived of your behaviour. If I gave the impression of underestimating Dr. Sheperd... it was an unforgivable mistake. I suggest you to build yourself a story with him.

Nelson: what do you mean?

Richard: you blacklisted a man on the base of a lot of prejudices... You've never been interested in knowing him. You've never got the chance of learning. You lived in his shadow seeding the ground with doubts and bad feelings. This stops now. I hope I won't have to repeat myself. Because next time I'll talk to you, I won't be this nice.

* * *

Cristina and Hunt are at the CT control room. They are waiting for the images to appear.

Cristina: are you ok?

Owen: yeah (he keeps looking at the screen)

Cristina: I saw you chasing Sloan...

Owen: what were you, spying?

Cristina: yes... we were trying to get what you were talking about... Our specialties, maybe?

Owen: no... just internal stuff...

Cristina: you haven't called me....

Owen: I know... I'm sorry... I haven't spent a night at home in the last week. Pages... pages.... pages...

Cristina: trauma sucks... (Owen laughs, a sound announces the images on the screen). Trauma is hot...

Owen: you change your mind quickly...

Cristina: it depends on the subject... Bones threatening to pierce the heart always get my special attention (Owen picks the phone up)

Owen: can you call Dr. Altman for me, please? (Await) Teddy... it's me. Are you free? My patient has a fractured sternum. Ribs are going to pierce the heart. I need you in surgery. OR3 in 30 minutes... See you there... Let's go to take him out (they go to the CT, the stretcher is coming out. They realize the patient is awake)

Patient: where am I?

Owen: Seattle Grace, sir. I'm Dr. Hunt. You have a severe wound to your chest and you need surgery. Is there someone you want us to call?

Patient: my wife... where is she?

Cristina: we don't know... Was she at the game too?

Patient: yeah... Katy...

Owen: we'll go to look for her. Now you need to relax (they wheel him out)

Cristina: sir... do you remember what happened?

Patient: Katy and I were watching the game. We were in the front rows. We had realized some idiots were fighting in the upper seats but... Suddenly we felt shouting... I looked up and a man fell on me from the higher sector... I... We were just watching a game...(he starts to cry)

Owen: you need to calm down... we got you, ok?

* * *

Meredith is visiting her patient.

Meredith: Mr. Key?

Guy: here I am...

Meredith: can you tell me what happened? (she has taken a penlight and she's making a first test on the patient)

Guy: a stupid ass, who occurs to be my brother, broke a chair on my head (Meredith stops visiting)

Meredith: brother?

Guy: he is a Mariners fan

Meredith: oh... this should mean something? (she goes on with her tests)

Guy: enemy, opposite...

Meredith: can you squeeze my hand please? (he does, his grip is not really tight) So because you support different teams you can kill each other? (she is writing a note of the chart)

Guy: it happens sometimes... I was in the wrong place in the wrong moment (she puts her hands against his)

Meredith: can you push? (he does what required) More?

Guy: that's all I can do... (she takes the light again and turns it on in his pupils)

Meredith: can you follow the light please? (he tries but does not succeed)

Guy: hey... I have only taken a blow on my head. Which appears to be hard. You don't need to worry, doctor...

Meredith: Grey... let me decide that, ok? (Nelson enters the room, an annoyed face. Meredith breaths out). Mr Key was admitted for a cranial trauma. Someone broke a chair on his head. Pupils are sensitive to light but he reveals lacking strength in his hands. He also has troubles in following an object up and down (Nelson is doing his own tests)

Nelson: what do you suggest?

Meredith: to run an MRI stat...

Nelson: let's go then... (he goes out and Meredith looks bewildered. Mr. Key is a huge man and Dr. Nelson has left her alone to wheel the gurney out)

Guy: gentleman... (Meredith collects all her strength and pushes him out)

* * *

Teddy and Avery are walking to the OR to meet Owen and Cristina. They pass in front of Derek's room and Teddy stops.

Avery: Dr. Altman?

Teddy: go ahead... I'll join you in the scrub room (Avery nods and goes away. Teddy breaths out and enters Derek's room. He is reading a magazine, he looks up hearing the door opening)

Derek: Dr. Altman...

Teddy: Sheperd... (she gets closer and avoids his stare, her hands are looking for something in her pockets)

Derek: can I do something for you?

Teddy: no... I... came here to apologize (she looks up at him, a frown appears on his forehead)

Derek: what for?

Teddy: Kepner... the medication... two days ago.... I....

Derek: didn't know? I thought you didn't. Don't worry, it's fine. How do you know now?

Teddy: Webber made a summit and updated us... I felt... feel horribly... Why didn't you tell me to get her out?

Derek: my mum was here and I didn't want a scene. A scene would have implied explanations. Tough explanations... It was better to pretend she was not here...

Teddy: aren't you mad at me?

Derek: no... you saved my life... Sure... you let Kepner try to kill me again breaking a needle in my arm... You lost points with that but... still... you saved my life (he smiles and Teddy seems relieved). Are you going in surgery?

Teddy: yeah... we have the ER full of morons who fought for a football match... (Derek turns his magazine towards her)

Derek: hot Seattle's derby?

Teddy: fool game... Your wife is treating a man for a cranial trauma. His brother knocked him down with a chair (Mark enters the room too)

Derek: rooting is an addiction...

Teddy: there are many things I don't get about people... I gotta go... See you later.... (she goes away and Derek resumes his reading)

* * *

Richard goes back in his office to find Adele there. He stops on the door and then closes it behind his back.

Richard: Adele...

Adele: Richard... I was in the nearness and came in to say hi...

Richard: you did good. It's a pleasure to see you (he smiles and pats her back on his way to the desk). Were you shopping?

Adele: hairdresser...

Richard: you dyed your hair... You're...

Adele: old?

Richard: beautiful...

Adele: who pissed you off?

Richard: excuse me?

Adele: Richard... we have been married for 30 years... Do you still think you can hide things from me?

Richard: I hope I can but... it's clear not... (he lets his pen falling on the table). I plan to resign from chief.

Adele: what? Wait... are you chief now?

Richard: yeah... the board gave me my position back... But... I don't think I want this anymore...

Adele: and what are you doing, retiring? (he notices a disgusted look on her face)

Richard: that's what you wanted... Why are you against it now?

Adele: first... my opinion doesn't count anymore

Richard: it does

Adele: second... you like your job. And I like you all surgeon after all. If you retired... you'd become an old, unbearable pain... (Richard laughs)

Richard: anyway... I don't plan to retire completely. I like to be a surgeon... In the last months I got that I missed it... being a doctor...

Adele: you've been a doctor all your life... What's the difference?

Richard: I just had surgeries before... I was bored to talk to families and parents and relatives. I liked my routine... Now that I broke it... I like it... the talking thing....

Adele: so... are you leaving your job to?

Richard: Derek... it's granted

Adele: does he agree? (Richard looks down) Well well Doctor Webber... you are still in your corner of doom... How long do you plan to wait to talk to the guy?

Richard: I'll do it... soon... (Adele notices he is writing a speech)

Adele: not privately (she takes the papers from his desk)

Richard: hey... that's mine!

Adele: don't be childish... (she reads the first lines and shakes her head). I'd try to do something better if I was you... I go to see Derek... (she stands up and Richard sees a gift in her bag)

Richard: what did you buy him?

Adele: a present... what are you, curious? (Richard lingers there saying anything. Adele mouth falls) I didn't buy him food. I'm not a moron like someone here (she points to the candies stuffed on the shelves behind the door and leaves. Richard smiles and resumes his writing)

* * *

Alex finally finds Mark in a conference room (patient's photos are all over the wall)

Alex: Dr. Sloan...

Mark: Karev... did you enjoy my conference?

Alex: very interesting and... tough

Mark: it looks impossible, right? Fixing this face...

Alex: yeah... was it really her dog?

Mark: little Toby... he still live with her...

Alex: after this?

Mark: His brother says she is obsessed with that dog.

Alex: was this his idea?

Mark: theirs... they are visiting hospitals all over the world. The problem is that a lot of scoundrels put their noses in this case. And many did damages and not good (Mark looks up at Alex). Ask it, Karev...

Alex: I...

Mark: you do... Say it....

Alex: do you think you can do something for her?

Mark: I've been studying her case for a month now... I can do a lot... if there are no complications... I'm trying to prepare a dossier to send her explaining what we want to do, the risks and the possible benefits.

Alex: we?

Mark: plastics is only a part of the big plan... Important but not the most one. This woman can't feel anything... Tastes, touch... all is off limits on her face. I talked with Derek and he analyzed the situation too. He was optimistic about improving her situation. Sure... she accepted, we'd have to wait some time now but... there is a lot of stuff to settle. So time is good. Do you want to give it a try?

Alex: to what?

Mark: surgery... the planning.... are you really so slow or do you pretend?

Alex: no.... it's just that it's a big, big surgery and I didn't think you wanted people around planning on it.

Mark: hands are welcome... And I need to explain this to someone in order to check everything has been foreseen and taken into consideration. This can be a big window for the hospital... but if we don't manage it well, it can come back against us.

* * *

Meredith and Nelson are at the MRI. Meredith is sweated, the ride toward the room pushing the gurney was hard. She is wiping the wetness away.

Nelson: are you warm?

Meredith: no... it was just tiring to get him down here.

Nelson: you could ask help to a nurse...

Meredith: I've never done it and I'll never do it... Not if I can do it myself...

Nelson: you are a hard worker... They'll be happy to have you in general...

Meredith: they would. But I'm not applying in general (Nelson looks at her). I'm in neuro.

Nelson: oh... (images appear on the screen) Let's see what you've got...

Meredith: excuse me?

Nelson: tell me what you see... (Meredith is embarrassed, she lingers a moment on Nelson's face and then she looks at the screen).

Meredith: there's a bleed in the rear part of the brain. A subdural hematoma. He needs a craniotomy. We need to start diuretics and anti convulsive stat before he seizes.

Nelson: good... anything else? (Meredith takes another look at the scans)

Meredith: No... (her voice is doubtful)

Nelson: this was just a question... Check if an OR is free... (he stands up)

Meredith: I don't know if I can assist.

Nelson: I'm sorry?

Meredith: I'm waiting for Doctor Bailey to page me...

Nelson: you can't step down from surgery. Prep him and the OR. Now (he leaves, Meredith breaths out)

* * *

Cristina, Owen, Teddy and Avery are in the OR.

Avery: wow...

Teddy: what the hell fall on him?

Cristina: a man...

Teddy: what?

Owen: a supported fell from the upper area.

Teddy: the rib cage is crushed

Owen: it's a miracle he didn't die at once. A man falling from 2-3 meters.... it's like an enormous brick.

Teddy: he hit him square in the chest... Forceps please... (the nurse handles her the tool).

Cristina: what are you doing?

Teddy: trying to lift the bones without damaging anything... Are the organs ok?

Owen: there was a light concussion to kidneys but nothing more

Teddy: ok guys... it's yours (she handles the tools to Avery and Cristina)

Avery: what?

Teddy: go on...

Avery: but...

Cristina: what are you, Harper-Avery... scared?

Avery: I am not

Cristina: so let's go... (she takes the tools and Avery does the same) I'm going to lift this rib and you'll take that fragment out

Avery: ok... (their eyes are fixed on the patient's cavity)

Cristina: are you ready?

Avery: when you want (they do the operation)

Teddy: good team work, guys... And now?

Avery: the heart seems not...

Cristina: at place... it has shifted...

Teddy: so?

Avery: we put it back?

Teddy: yeah... how?

Avery: inserting fingers and pushing slowly apart?

Teddy: don't be so shy, Avery. It's good. Do it (he seems doubtful)

Avery: I have never done this before...

Cristina: if you don't do it the first time, you'll stay like this forever...

Avery: I... (he looks up)

Owen: she is right... come on...

Cristina: ok... have you ever baked a cake?

Owen: excuse me?

Cristina: he's single... don't tell me you still live with Mummy...

Avery: I don't... and yes.. I did it... sometimes

Cristina: use your fingers like they were placing the pastry in the mixing bowl (she mimes the gesture). Gentle... slow (Avery inserts his hands in the cavity). And now curls your fingers... it will shift on its own (they all watch the heart moving lightly)

Teddy: that's it

Avery: wow... Thank you (he smiles under the mask) And I didn't know you baked...

Cristina: I don't indeed...

Avery: what?

Cristina: I saw a program yesterday and they were explaining boring stuff about cakes and... it reminded me of this... (Owen laughs) What? (she pats him on his arm) I haven't time for the crappy cooking... I'm a surgeon... I'm not Izzie...

Teddy: Ok... Golden Spoon... You can close if you want (Teddy and Owen leaves the OR)

* * *

Derek is in his room. He has started sweating again. He continuously shifts trying to find a better position. Adele comes in.

Adele: hi... (a frown appears on her forehead)

Derek: hey... (he tries a smile)

Adele: honey... are you ok?

Derek: not that much... (he wipes the sweat away from his forehead)

Adele: you're soaked... Are you always like this or do I have a bad timing? (she strokes his face)

Derek: I think Yang is right... I think I peed in a church without even knowing because I have no break... (he winces). But tomorrow it's going to be a great day (Adele sees his eyes go bright with happiness and sits down)

Adele: why?

Derek: didn't Richard say anything to you?

Adele: no... (a wide smile curls Derek's lips)

Derek: I'm going to be a Daddy...

Adele: seriously? It's wonderful! Congratulations (she stands up to hug him but her grip is a little too tight)

Derek: ouch... (she immediately releases him. Derek is paler)

Adele: I'm sorry... I hurt you...

Derek: it's fine... I'm easy to hurt... (he winces and breaths out)

Adele: that old hermit told me nothing... Not that we talked that much lately...

Derek: I'm sorry... you were good together... Richard is taken from the chief thing but... he loves you... he still does...

Adele: I know... I'm not a woman to break up with (she giggles)

Derek: so... is there any chance for the two of you?

Adele: you became a gossiper? (Derek lifts a magazine from the night stand)

Derek: kind of... I'm sorry... it's none on my business...

Adele: you're kidding? You're family Derek... You're the closest to a son we have ever had... You can ask everything. But I'm not obliged to answer back... (she gives him a mischievous grin)

Derek: acute...

Adele: are you and Richard better?

Derek: we haven't talked... after this thing. We haven't been talking for a lot of time... He is softer on me now... I think worry has overcome rage... I don't know if it will last or not...

Adele: he told me about how you became chief... and the alcoholism... You made the right choice...

Derek: is that your opinion or his? (Adele is silent) It's yours... Meredith was not happy about it either... I think he felt humiliated and... I don't know.

Adele: he knows you were right. It will take a life to admit but... he is grateful to you...

Derek: sure... (a new wave of tremors is shaking Derek, he pulls the sheet over his body)

Adele: are you in male menopause? Because when it was on me... I was like that...

Derek: I have just started my family... Menopause can take me after the fourth child...

Adele: four? Does Meredith know?

Derek: no... and don't tell her... I will convince her little by little...

Adele: I'm sure you'll do... McDreamy... (Bailey opens the door and comes in with Reed). It's time I go now... I hope I'll see you better next time (she stands up and kisses him on the forehead. Derek's eyes are closed. Going out she shakes her head towards Bailey)

* * *

Alex, Avery and Cristina arrive in the locker room where they were paged. Anybody's in.

Cristina: is this a joke?

Avery: no, magic Spoon. There's a note on there... (he gets closer the table and sees a hand-made note). Crap...

Alex: what?

Avery: we have to help in shifting old charts to the upper archive.

Cristina: what? (she gets closer and takes the paper out of Avery's hands). We are not donkeys...

Avery: have you ever done this?

Alex: what? Move? No... there was staff once to do this... Screw the merger...

Avery: you meant the cuts...

Alex: whatever... Is there a list?

Avery: everyone has a pile to bring up.

Cristina: Meredith too?

Alex: what do you mean?

Cristina: I mean she's three months pregnant. I won't let her lift heavy stuff.

Avery: it's nice of you.

Cristina: of you too. Because you won't let a woman do the hard work, will you? (she slams the paper against his chest and leaves towards the room to collect her charts)

Alex: could you not shut your mouth up?

Avery: lazybones... (they leave together)

* * *

Meredith and Nelson are in the OR. Suddenly the door opens and Webber comes in.

Richard: doctors...

Nelson: chief... can I help you?

Richard: I was just curious to see the man who's having a craniotomy because of his brother... (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: it sounds ridiculous even just saying it...

Nelson: do you find funny a man is having a craniotomy and could develop epilepsy or whatever? (Meredith stares at him)

Meredith: of course I don't... It's ridiculous two men fight for a game... more ridiculous they are brother and hurt each other for a cheap reason. That's funny... Better... it's sad...

Richard: I remember an old case of mine... Two sisters came in here because they beat during a beauty contest. The funny was neither of them could win after the beating... they were too ruined to even show their faces around...

Nelson: that's competition... Competition raises bad instincts...

Meredith: do you think so?

Nelson: of course, you don't?

Meredith: no... I feel competition but fair play... is necessary. I'd never damage someone to get an advantage. I want to earn what I get.

Nelson: I guess you have missed many surgeries like this...

Meredith: excuse me?

Nelson: internship and residency and even the medical career after are tough fights. You must be ready to do everything to win space.

Meredith: no if everything means hurting others and be unfair. The best wins finally.

Nelson: you're naïf... you know that?

Meredith: I don't think I am... and my fellows think the same. So we don't need to kill one the other to get space.

Nelson: how do you know they act like they talk?

Meredith: as we are friends... We'd work our ass to earn a surgery but not on others' detriment.

Nelson: idealism... can be a burden Dr. Grey...

Meredith: it may as well be a strength (Webber's pager beeps. He looks at the screen)

Richard: it's Bailey. They are taking Derek down. You can scrub out if you want. You've learnt enough here (Meredith goes out). And you too Dr. Nelson (he leaves as well)

* * *

Owen and Teddy are in the cafeteria. They sit together.

Teddy: oh... I'm exhausted

Owen: me too... I just want to go home and sleep...

Teddy: can you?

Owen: yeah...I'm not on call tonight

Teddy: I didn't mean that... Can you sleep now? You had problems before...

Owen: I'm fine now... Thank you (he swallows). Teddy... (he looks up serious)

Teddy: yeah?

Owen: have you ever had problems... like mine?

Teddy: no... I had some sessions with a shrink but... not for the Iraq's thing... Why do you ask?

Owen: I've been wondering for a lot of time why people could read my problems on my face...

Teddy: people?

Owen: Derek... when I got here and his mum too. She looked me in the eye and asked if I could sleep well. I thought I could manage my ghosts but... one look on me was enough...

Teddy: maybe it's them who are over sensitive... or had similar experiences...

Owen: who? Sheperd's mum? In Iraq?

Teddy: not necessarily... other things... You don't look bothered by this...

Owen: I am not... I was just curious... (he smiles) So you got why we were mad at Kepner... (Teddy puts her glass down loudly)

Teddy: yeah... it was humiliating and... God... I went to apologize to Sheperd... (she giggles)

Owen: what?

Teddy: he was funny... He's taking all this with much wisdom and philosophy...

Owen: he is a good guy... I found him arrogant at first but... I didn't introduce myself in a better way so... after we stopped barking at each other we bound...

Teddy: how did you get here?

Owen: excuse me?

Teddy. You've never told me how you ended up working here.

Owen: it's simple. I was on leave and I was driving to my mum's place. There was an accident and I helped people. I came here and some crazy stuff happened and Webber offered me a job. I said no at first but then... I gave up the mission and he hired me...

Teddy: crazy stuff?

Owen: I made a tracheotomy with a pen...

Teddy: you love dramatic entries, don't you? (they laugh together)

Owen: and then Cristina was hit by an icicle...

Teddy: she what?

Owen: crazy things... I told you...

Teddy: you're happy here...

Owen: I thought I could miss the platoon and... I do.... but... it's good to be back.

Teddy: it is... Cheers (their coffee cups collide)

* * *

Meredith sees Bailey at the end of the corridor. She runs and joins her and Reed in front of the elevator. With great surprise she sees Derek is on a wheelchair.

Meredith: hey... why is he sitting on that?

Bailey: because he is fat-head

Derek: I'm not a bag to push around... (Meredith bends on him and Derek notices she is sweated too) Are you trying to be supportive with the smelly thing? (she giggles)

Meredith: Dr. Nelson had me drag a patient around all day. He was not perfectly on fit... Men suck.

Derek: Men on gurneys suck. Men on wheelchairs are hot (he smiles and Meredith kisses him. The elevator arrives)

Bailey: hey... hottie.... wheels in (they take place, Meredith is behind Derek. The elevator starts his way down and in a few seconds they get onto the floor. Bailey points a visit room and they go in. The bed is ready and Bailey pats it). Come on (Derek stands up hardly and Meredith and Reed helps him on the bed. He lays down and then turns on his stomach. He breaths out)

Meredith: you ok?

Derek: yeah (Bailey stares down at him, a severe look on her face)... Just a little bit tired... and sore...

Bailey: Doctor Reed, explain Mr. Sheperd the procedure (Reed looks surprised)

Reed: sure... we will insert the needle in your spine, in the second lumbar vertebra to be precise, and we'll take a sample to control the presence of infections

Derek: ok...

Reed: it's going to be... painful

Derek: ok... (Bailey lifts his t-shirt and the bandage covering the wound. Also Derek's back is covered in bruises. The hematoma is still wide. Meredith takes a deep breath. She nods to Bailey who lowers Derek's pants a bit). Hey...

Bailey: yes, Mr. Sheperd?

Derek: are you undressing me?

Bailey: I need to see something to insert the needle in the right place. Tell me when you're ready.

Derek: I am (he puts his arms under his face. Meredith takes his hands in hers, she sees Bailey preparing the syringe. Miranda lingers a moment looking at Derek's exposed butt)

Bailey: cute thing (Meredith laughs)

Meredith: I thought the same when I saw him for the first time...

Derek: what? Me or my butt?

Meredith: the both

Derek: so you played the cold girl but you already liked me...

Meredith: kind of... (Bailey nods to Meredith and inserts the needle in Derek's spine. He immediately tenses and squeezes Meredith's hand)

Derek: you took advantage of me... (his words are whispers)

Meredith: maybe... Had I know the burden I was putting on my shoulders, I'd not (Derek's grip becomes stronger) Derek? (he lifts his head a bit and puts it on his forearm. After some second Meredith realizes he's biting his own arm. His body is tensed)

Bailey: Sheperd... try to stay still ok? I'm almost done... (the syringe is full and Miranda slowly takes it out). I'm out... (after some seconds Derek seems to relax a bit) Are you ok?

Derek: you said you loved me (Miranda is bewildered)

Bailey: excuse me? (Meredith and Reed laugh)

Derek. Not you, Bailey...

Meredith: I did...

Derek: did?

Meredith: do...

Bailey: you know what? I get why people don't want to work with you. You're nauseating. I can feel a decay growing on my tooth right now.

Derek.: how is it going with Ben?

Meredith: who? (she looks around and notices Bailey's cheeks are red. Miranda bends in front of Derek's eyes, the needle still in her hand)

Bailey: do you want another spinal injection, Mr. Sheperd? (Derek giggles and then hides his face on the bed)

Derek: no, thanks

Bailey: so, shut your big mouth up... (she turns around and puts the syringe in the box). Can we go?

Derek: give me some minute please... (Meredith puts a hand on his shoulder and realizes his shirt is completely soaked again. He is breathing out quickly and his arms are shaking a little bit).

Bailey: Reed, take this to the lab. We're done for the day. See you tomorrow.

Reed: good night (she smiles at Meredith)

Derek: bye

Meredith: hi.... (she looks down at Derek). Talking of taking advantage...

Bailey: you can't do it now... He can hardly breathe... do you want to kill him? (Meredith looks at her stunned)

Derek: thank you Miranda... You have to protect me, keep her in line...

Meredith: you are the one to be kept in line.

Derek: bossy...

Meredith: shut up (she strokes his hair, Derek is smiling. A grin appears on Meredith's lips)

* * *

_Many people are afraid of fatigue._

_They'd prefer their life easier..._

_So when they meet a mountain on their way... they just turn around._

_What I got from my first years of internship and residency is that the harder you work, the more you get back._

_From yourselves and others too _(Cristina, Avery and Alex are lifting piles of charts up. They laugh together).

_And when sweat soaks your clothes... your fellows are eager to help you. They feel you near, close... like you were an only person._

_When it sends chills down your body, when it warns you something is wrong, you learn much about yourself _(Derek is back in his room. A nurse has put a wet cloth on his forehead).

_You thought you were weak, you were about to give up... and, instead, you find resources you would have never expected to hold._

_So Hercules... only seven efforts? Light weight..._


	17. WELCOME TO MY TRUTH

Hey... I'm back... Some notes...

I know I had described Derek's dad's death at the beginning on "Death and all her friends" but, since a big truth was revealed, I decided to put it in my fic to make it more real. Forgive the contraddiction. More... I've started to call Mr. Grenne by his real name: Mr. Clark... When I wrote the first chapters I didn't remember it, now I do so... correction.

Enjoy and review... I'd also appreciate suggestions on your favourite lines...

**

* * *

****Welcome to my truth**

_I thought truth was an universal thing, something absolute, definitive…_

_Like saying the sun is hot and the sky is blue… _

_But it's not. _

_Everyone has its own convictions, its references and what you strongly believe in, for others, is just more than an opinion._

_So you don't need to worry or getting mad…_

_Live and leave others live as well…._

* * *

It's early morning. Richard is outside the laboratory waiting for someone to show up at the desk. Bailey arrives too.

Bailey: Chief…

Richard: Miranda… you are early

Bailey: you too.

Richard: I wanted to pick up Derek's exams. I found a note this morning. Nurses had to take care of him the whole night.

Bailey: I'm sure they didn't mind that…

Richard: no… but he did. He looks ten years older…

Bailey: and still nurses have a crash on him? No hope (Richard laughs, the laboratory man arrives at the desk)

Guy: Chief… Doctor Bailey… what can I do for you?

Richard: Sheperd's tests please… (the guy turns around and looks in a high pile of papers. He then takes a file and handles it to Webber)

Guy: say hi to him… We miss him here.

Richard: I'll do it… Thank you (they walk away and Richard open the envelop).

Bailey: so? (he gives her the papers)

Richard: take a look yourself… spinal infection…. Highly resistant

Bailey: we need to start antibiotics straight away

Richard: yeah… do you want to help me telling him?

* * *

Meredith is sitting alone in the cafeteria. She is reading a paper absent minded. She feels a presence a looks up. She is stunned to see her father right in front of her with Lexie.

Tutcher: Meredith…

Meredith: dad? What…

Lexie: I told him about Derek when we spoke last time…

Tutcher: I came here a lot of times but you were busy and I didn't want to bother you… I don't want to do it even now so… I'll go…

Meredith: no… it's fine…. I was killing time till my shift… Sit (she gestures to the chairs in front of her and they sit). You look good…

Tutcher: I am… you look… tired…. Are you fine?

Meredith: yeah… you know… with Derek here I don't have a lot of spare time but… I'm fine

Tutcher: and how is he? Lexie told me and I read the papers too… You must be under a lot of stress…. I'm sorry… He is a nice guy…

Meredith: he is… but he's going to be fine. It will take some time but… we'll fix everything… (she smiles and keeps staring at his dad. He looks back. An unpleasant silence falls on the table) I'm pregnant….

Tutcher: excuse me? (Lexie looks at him stunned) Ouch! (he looks down the table, rubbing his leg). Why this? (he looks at Lexie which blushes. Meredith laughs)

Meredith: I'm really your daughter, you know that, don't you?

Tutcher: what?

Meredith: I'm pregnant… Derek and I… we are waiting for a baby

Tutcher: it's beautiful… Are you ok? I mean… Molly used to be nauseous all the time and Susan too…

Meredith: I'm fine. I have my first visit today but at the moment… no nausea, no dizziness. I just eat like a pig (on the table there are several empty paper bags)

Tutcher: I'm happy… so when is the happy event?

Meredith: I think in September but… I want to wait today to be sure. What are you doing?

Tutcher: nothing… I'm playing the grandpa all the time. I take the girl to kindergarten, I go to take her, cook, play… all these things…

Meredith: you like them…. Babies…

Tutcher: I do… (Meredith's pager beeps, she looks at the screen)

Meredith: it's Derek… I need to go. Are you staying here?

Tutcher: till lunch…

Meredith: what don't you take him to see Derek later?

Tutcher: I don't want to bother him…

Meredith: you won't… He'll have someone to talk to. See you later (she goes away. Tutcher breaths out. Lexie pats his shoulder)

Lexie: it went good…

Tutcher: yes…

* * *

Cristina is in front of the elevator. Owen joins her.

Owen: morning… (he kisses her on the cheek)

Cristina: hi… you look relaxed…

Owen: I finally slept all night and I am great (he lowers his tone and gets closer to Cristina) I missed you though…

Cristina: seriously?

Owen: yeah (he smiles and the doors open. They get in, Cristina pushes the button up and the doors close. Owen turns to look at her deeply)

Cristina: what? (without adding anything he kisses her deeply. Cristina's bag falls on the ground. After the first moment of surprise she kisses him back) Mmmm… what was that for?

Owen: I missed you…

Cristina: I'd miss you too if you keep kissing me like that…

Owen: it's just my mouth you miss?

Cristina: no… not just that… (a mischievous grin appears on her face)

Owen: you're evil… Do I have to remind you that you always complained about Derek and Meredith kissing in the elevator?

Cristina: I didn't complain for that… I complained because they did the McNasty…

Owen: I'll do it too if you don't stop looking at me like that (they part. The elevator stops and the doors open. They go out still looking at each other. Webber and Bailey exit from the near elevator. Miranda catches the look in their eyes)

Bailey: it looks like we have another couple of turtledoves tubing in the elevator…

Richard: excuse me?

Bailey: nothing chief… it's better you ignore it…

* * *

Callie stands up. She doesn't find Arizona in the bed and goes in the living room to find her busy in making order. She massages her eyes trying to wipe sleep away.

Callie: hey…. Morning (she gets closer and kisses her on the cheek. Arizona doesn't even say hi) What are you doing?

Arizona: getting all the stuff I can out of the way… My mum is coming in town today

Callie: what? (Arizona sees she seems scared)

Arizona: relax… she'll love you… It's just that she is the perfect housemaid… She wants net and clean and this place is…

Callie: a pigsty. Let me help you… (they start putting stuff in the closet, in the drawers, to clean the sink. Callie clears her throat). Does she know about me?

Arizona: yeah… of course… I told her everything… She is curious to know you…

Callie: yeah… (Arizona hugs her behind her back and leans against her)

Arizona: she'll love you. I'm sure. She will put you on the top of her list…

Callie: which list?

Arizona: of my girlfriends…

Callie: wait… does she has a ranking?

Arizona: kind of…

Callie: with notes and marks and stuff?

Arizona: yeah… she wants to give me advice

Callie: advice? And if she doesn't like me?

Arizona: I'll break up with you… (she shrugs, Meredith stares at her)

Callie: what are you, kidding?

Arizona: of course I am… Do you think I'll let my mum interfere in our life?

Callie: how do I know? I don't know her

Arizona: but you know me… You broke up with your family for me… Don't you believe I'd do the same?

Callie: yeah… I'm sorry… (her pager beeps). I need to go (she runs away)

Arizona: see you at the hospital…

* * *

Richard and Bailey are at Derek's room. He is looking at his results.

Bailey: there's no mistake Derek… We need to start treatments immediately.

Derek: treatments has heavy side effects… Can I do this?

Richard: you can… it's going to be a bother but you can… and you have to… I'll assign you a private nurse today and tomorrow. Then… it should be easier on you.

Derek: I won't take anything till this afternoon…

Richard: what?

Bailey: Sheperd…

Derek: I won't… At midday I have to go with Meredith. She has the first visit for the baby and I promised I'd have been with her.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: I'm not bailing on this… Two or three hours more won't make the difference. Being with her… will . So stop Derek me… I'm not backing off from the visit, I'll spend some time with her. When I'll come back here, I'll do whatever you want….

Bailey: this is not about doing what we want. It's your health we are talking about. And you are a doctor. You know what a spinal infection like this can do to you. We need to aggress it immediately.

Derek: and we'll do it. Just not right now, ok? (the door opens and Meredith comes in. Derek puts the papers on the night stand). Hey…

Meredith: hi… are you fine? (she sits on the bed taking his hand)

Derek: yeah

Bailey: he is not (Derek looks up at her). Don't give me that look. You want to lie to her? Do it. I won't. He has a severe infection. Nurses had to change the bed three times this night, he also asked for a sedative but he refuses to take antibiotics till today.

Meredith: why? (she looks down at him. Understanding paints her face). Derek… I want you there. At the visit. But you'll come next time. It's not the end of the world.

Derek: It would be the end of my world. And I won't do that. So just stop this sermon. There's no reason in the world why I'll stay here while you go upstairs for the first visit. I want to be with you and with our child. And there's nothing you can do to change my mind. So stop trying (Meredith looks up, both Richard and Bailey has a defeated face)

Richard: we are useless here. See you later (he turns around and leaves)

Bailey: you pissed him off (Derek breaths out)

Derek: there's nothing left to waste (he breaths out looking up)

Bailey: I don't like to repeat myself… but you are really stupid (she leaves)

* * *

Lexie finds Mark in a conference room. She gets closer without he notices and blindfolds him with her hands

Lexie: guess… Who am I? (she talks in a falsetto. She feels Mark relaxing under her touch)

Mark: Hannah? Patricia? Jill?

Lexie: seriously? (he turns around, a surprised look on his face)

Mark: Lexie? I…. I'm sorry… I thought you were…. (his serious expression falls and he bursts out laughing)

Lexie: do you find this funny? Confusing me with your slutty lovers?

Mark: I was kidding Lexie… It was a joke (he stands up and kisses her). It's my payback for the no sex thing… (he takes her hand and kisses it). I'd recognize your scent everywhere. And your skin is so soft (he inhales her scent. Lexie flinches)

Lexie: ok… enough with the sniffling… This could end… badly (Mark closes the door and pulls the blinds off)

Mark: I like bad… (he gets closer but Lexie steps back, a worried look on her face)

Lexie: what are you doing?

Mark: getting closer… (he chases Lexie around the table)

Lexie: stay there… seriously Mark… I scream if you come too close (she is against the wall. Mark puts his hands on the wall, Lexie's face among them)

Mark: is this to close? (he catches her lips with his)

Lexie: definitely (she talks out of breath)

Mark: and this (he touches her leg)

Lexie: oh my God! (Mark suddenly turns around. He sees nothing and goes back to Lexie, but she is not where she was supposed to be any more)

Mark: what?

Lexie: I won the joke… See you later… (she opens the door)

Mark: but Lexie…. (she stares at him, excitement is all over his body)

Lexie: take a cold shower. It helps. Oh… I forgot… my dad is here, we'll meet him at lunch at 12 in the cafeteria (she gives him an innocent smile and goes away)

* * *

Arizona and Callie arrive at the ER. Callie spots a nurse.

Callie: I was paged…

Nurse: we have a trauma coming in… five minutes (Callie looks at Arizona)

Callie: see you later (Arizona leaves and Callie enters a visit room. She changes quickly and exits the room meeting Bailey on her way). Bailey…

Bailey: hi…

Callie: I have a patient coming in… Any resident available?

Bailey: I'm waiting for them… (the guys come closer) Ok… Yang, in the pit (Cristina rolls her eyes) with Grey. Avery with Torres. Karev with Sloan. Reed… (she is thinking)

Reed: yeah?

Bailey: I… Wait here till I decide what to do of you (Avery gives Reed a grin and then joins Callie towards the ambulance bay. Cristina and Meredith walks together to the pit and Alex walks away. Bailey is massaging her temples). I think…

Reed: did I do something wrong?

Bailey: no… why do you ask? Have you?

Reed: no… but you don't assign me so I thought…

Bailey: don't think… it's better… You had to be with me but I shifted my surgery to tomorrow…

Reed: can't I be on your new case?

Bailey: I have no new case… I'm gonna spend the rest of my day with Sheperd…

Reed: how did the exams go?

Bailey: bad… infection. He'll start antibiotics this afternoon but I'm afraid he'll have severe consequences… nausea… vomit… I don't want to bind you all day… Altman has no case in progress… Hunt… hey…. Didn't you apply in trauma?

Reed: I did…

Bailey: so go talking with your maybe attending. He's free and can advise you.

Reed: and then?

Bailey: you'll stay with him all day…

* * *

Callie and Avery's ambulance has stopped in front of the hospital. The paramedic jumps down.

Paramedic: Dave Jackson, 8 years. Got trapped by his house's sliding gate (he pulls the stretcher down). Lacerations to the left leg and suspected fracture.

Callie: Dave?

Dave: yeah…

Callie: I'll take care of you, ok?

Dave: where's mum? (Callie looks at the paramedic)

Paramedic: a neighbour called the ambulance… I think he was home alone…

Callie: ok… thank you (they take the stretcher inside) Can you give me your mum's or dad's number?

Dave: I have them on my cell phone… (Callie looks at him stunned). It's in my pocket… (they are in the visit room and Callie is checking her cart)

Avery: can I take it?

Dave: sure… (Avery takes the cell and Callie notices a bewildered look on his face)

Callie: what?

Avery: nothing (he is scrolling the list of contacts till he finds what necessary. He writes on a paper the number). I'll give this to a nurse. I come back immediately (he exits)

Callie: does it hurt? (she is examining Dave's leg)

Dave: yeah… (Callie realizes the baby is scared and he's crying)

Callie: I'll give you something for the pain. But you're brave.

Dave: I'm an idiot (Avery comes back)

Callie: why do you say so? (she is filling a syringe, she handles it to Avery)

Dave: I was told several times not to get near the gate… it's dangerous… My pants got trapped and the engine pulled my leg in…

Avery: what? There should be a safety catch (he is doing the injection)

Callie: the leg is broken… like crushed. I need an x-ray and a scan. Let's go (they move the gurney out)

* * *

Reed find Hunt in the attending lounge. She knocks and he looks up to meet her eyes.

Hunt: Dr. Reed…

Reed: Bailey told me to come to look for you…

Hunt: yeah… sit down (she sits). So you applied in trauma…

Reed: yes…

Hunt: I had never perceived this soft spot…

Reed: are you bothered?

Hunt: no… why do you think so?

Reed: I… It looked like a reproach…

Hunt: I'm sorry… it was not. Maybe it's just because we don't know each other really good. The merger has complicated things… For us… and for you too… Is this a long lasting passion?

Reed: it is… but…

Hunt: you adopted the exclusion principle… Don't worry. It's not a sin… Are you prepared to be a trauma surgeon?

Reed: I think I am…

Hunt: it's going to be hard… We deal with the most traumatic cases… injuries… accidents… People do not expect to arrive at a hospital. They just come here… in pain and we need to help them… There's no plan, no warning. One moment you're fine, the following you find yourself in the ER with a stranger doctor looking at you. You need to be over sensitive but cold at the same time. Do you think you can do that?

Reed: I do… (Owen nods at her) Can I ask you a question, sir?

Hunt: sure…

Reed: have you always been a trauma surgeon? Have you always known this was your choice?

Hunt: I… I was an army surgeon. You have no choice there… But even if things were difficult, even if they were tough… sometimes here is even worse.

Reed: how?

Hunt: you don't expect things to happen here… You don't expect people being shot, hurt… You don't expect to find one of your closest friend on a table because an angry man and a sick mind harmed him… You… have to face these things and struggle to keep your nerves of steel. And it's not easy. So.. what I want to tell you is this: you're a good doctor, you can do good in trauma. But this specialty is a matter of mind, not of skills. If you don't have nerve… don't do this (his pager beeps). Accident on the way… (he stands up). Let's go (they exit the room)

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are in the pit. The morning is calm and they are filling charts in a conference room.

Meredith: my dad came here this morning… (Cristina's head jumps up, Meredith is still writing)

Cristina: drunk?

Meredith: no… he came here to see me. Lexie told him about Derek and he tried to be… nice to me

Cristina: was he? Nice?

Meredith: yeah… I even told him about the baby… He looked happy…

Cristina: it's good…

Meredith: I don't know… I have a lot of stuff going on and I don't know if having him going in and out of my life is good…

Cristina: maybe he is not here for the in and out… Maybe this time he is here to stay… (Meredith lets fall the pen on the chart. She breaths out) Mer….

Meredith: I…. (she puts her hand on her belly)

Cristina: are you fine?

Meredith: yeah… it's just a cramp… (she flinches and tries to relax on the chair) Mc Peanut is getting his space…

Cristina: how do you know it's not a she?

Meredith: obviously I don't…

Cristina: would you like a boy or a girl? (Meredith rolls her eyes) You'd like a little Derek, don't you?

Meredith: I don't know… Maybe I do… with his eyes and his hair….

Cristina: but your brain (Meredith laughs)

Meredith: I think he'd prefer a girl…

Cristina: with his eyes, your hair, your nose above all. Do you imagine his trunk on a little girl's face? (Cristina's face becomes a grimace of disgust)

Meredith: his nose is just perfect…. Like all the rest.

Cristina: you mock yourself… But he's your husband so… if you're happy with it, I'll be too (Meredith smiles brightly to her)

Meredith: thank you

* * *

Bailey sees Richard at the nurses station. She gets closer.

Bailey. Chief…

Richard: Bailey…

Bailey: I was thinking… I could be Derek's nurse today (Richard looks up at her)

Richard: I don't know if it's a good idea… (he looks down) Maybe we should let him alone…

Bailey: what does this mean? (Richard takes the chart he was filling and looks at her)

Richard: it means Derek has a lot of things in his past which you don't know. And I'm not sure that pushing him is the right thing to do now. Maybe he just needs time… and space. Not people who keep hovering (he makes some step down the corridor)

Bailey: is this thing going to last for long? (Richard turns around to look at her. Adele arrives behind his back)

Richard: what thing?

Bailey: this fight of yours… The two of you can't communicate. And you both hurt for this. But, if you let me chief, it's you who have to do the first step right now.

Richard: I know… and I'm going to do it…

Bailey: when?

Richard: on Monday

Bailey: excuse me? Are you kidding me?

Richard: I'm not (he turns and leaves, Adele gives him a small smile that he reciprocates)

* * *

Mark enters Derek's room with Alex.

Mark: hey man… how are you?

Derek: I'm fine… and you? Can I be safe or you're going to jump me for sex starvation?

Mark: ha ha… Really funny… (he sits near the bed) You're not my type…

Derek: so she was serious…

Mark: I'm afraid she was… That's why I asked you how you are… I can't wait to see you standing…

Derek: no… to see me doing else… But I won't let you watch… I'll tell when we are clear and ready to go (he looks up at Alex who seems embarrassed) But I guess you're not here for this…

Mark: no… indeed. I had the conference yesterday… for Swanson's case. The chief is excited to have her here… I finished my dossier and needed to discuss something with you.

Derek: ok…

Mark: are you in with her surgery?

Derek: it depends on when you plan to do it. I don't think I'm going to surgeon anything for a few time…

Mark: Karev… tell him…

Alex: we are planning to take Mrs. Swanson here in a month… maybe three weeks… (he handles Derek a file)

Derek: I'm afraid it's too soon… What about Shadow Sheperd?

Mark: what is this, a kind of revenge? I won't let that moron come closer my patient. I need the best for this. I need you.

Derek: ok… (he handles him the file back). Talk to the chief. If he agrees, we'll find a way to get me in there.

Mark: I can count on you?

Derek: yeah (they touches their fists in agreement. Mark stands up)

Mark: so you'll finally start doing something to recover. You are staying there… lazy…. You need to get your ass off that bed…. And start doing something. So that I can start doing something too… (he smiles and they leave)

* * *

Arizona is sitting at the cafeteria. She is looking at the stairs nervously. She finally sees the person she is looking for. A blonde and beautiful woman makes her entrance and looks around. Arizona approaches her from behind.

Arizona: excuse me, beautiful lady… Can I help you? (the woman turns around, a bright smile on her face)

Mum: Ari… (they hug). I'm so happy to see you!

Arizona: me too… (they part) Just don't call me that, please…

Mum: what are you, afraid I'll make you look a fool?

Arizona: no… just to spill out all of my secrets (she gestures towards her table) I was sitting there (they cross the cafeteria, all people looking at them)

Mum: you work in a hospital of curious people…

Arizona: never mind (they sit). I find you super good…

Mum: I am… since dad retired we have more time for ourselves… so country club… wellness centre…

Arizona: is dad coming too?

Mum: I let him think I was courted and he started to come with me…

Arizona: I guess you didn't have to pretend that much (her mum gives her a mischievous smile)

Mum: what about my beautiful girl… Where's your girlfriend?

Arizona: she should be in the OR. But she's going to come later. She's really excited to know you… (her mum stares at her drinking her coffee)… ok more terrified you won't like her but… you'll do

Mum: you like her…

Arizona: yeah… she is great

Mum: did she try to convince you to have kids or this conversation hasn't come yet? (Arizona stops her arms mid air. The smile disappears from her face) She has…

Arizona: mum…

Mum: she has or she doesn't want them either…

Arizona: she does… (she looks down)

Mum: so you changed your mind… (Arizona keeps her eyes down) or pretended to do (she shakes her head). You're in trouble, Ari…

* * *

Derek and Meredith has joined the gynecological area. They are sitting in the waiting room. A couple walks in front of them, the woman visibly pregnant. Derek follows her with his eyes.

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: what? (he turns to meet her glare, a dreamy look on his face)

Meredith: you made an x-ray on that woman…

Derek: I was… just trying to imagine you with that belly and I…

Meredith: am afraid I won't enter our bedroom anymore? I was thinking the same too… (she laughs and Derek smiles at her)

Derek: you'll be beautiful (he kisses her). You are beautiful (another kiss). I can't wait to cook you pancakes in the middle of the night… to go out to grab ice creams and pizza and whatever you want… and McPeanut wants…

Meredith: will you? (a doctor comes out of the visit room)

Man: Mrs. Sheperd (Meredith looks up at the man)

Meredith: yeah… I'm here (he gestures to enter the door, Meredith turns around to see Derek looking up at her mesmerized) What?

Derek: Sheperd?

Meredith: are you mad? (he takes her hands and kisses them)

Derek: I'm the happiest man in the world

Meredith: let's go now (she pushes the wheel chair in the room. The doctor welcomes them with a smile)

Man: hi… I'm doctor Milton… and you must be Doctor Meredith Sheperd (they shake hands)

Meredith: and this is my husband (Derek shakes the doctor's hand too. Milton sits down and Meredith too)

Milton: so this is your first visit…

Meredith: yeah… mmm (she takes an envelope form her pocket) Here are my exams (she handles him the papers. The doctor takes them and reads quickly)

Milton: everything is fine… Are you ok? Nausea? Dizziness? Anything?

Meredith: just some cramping this morning… It's the first time

Milton: it's usual in the first part of the pregnancy… but you need to be careful. No efforts… you're a surgeon?

Meredith: yeah

Milton: do you plan to go on working?

Meredith: yeah… are you against it?

Miltion: no… if you feel fine there's no problem… You know, many women give up their job as soon as they know to be pregnant.

Meredith: pregnancy is not an illness

Milton: holy words… Lay there… we'll take a look at the baby (Meredith stands up and go lying of the stretcher. Derek wheels closer, he grabs her hand and gives her a reassuring smile)

* * *

When Hunt and Reed arrive at the ER the patient is already in the visit room. Webber is there. Owen slams the door open.

Owen: what have we got?

Richard: guy, 26 years old. A truck skipped a light and ran over his motorcycle (the guy is awake, he looks around scared)

Owen. What's his name? (Richard looks at the chart)

Richard: Anthony.

Owen: Anthony… this is Dr. Hunt… Can you hear me?

Anthony: yes.. is this bad?

Owen: we need to run some test… but you're here talking… it's good… Are you in pain?

Anthony: my stomach… I… (he swallows)

Owen: let's take a look… (he cuts his clothes away. His face changes color when he takes a look at the guy's thorax. He shares a look with Webber)

Anthony: is that bad? I… it can't be… I'm getting married next month… Please… don't let me die….

Hunt: you won't… Stay calm, ok? (Reed is crying. Owen gestures her to go out. A nurse is in the visit room. Richard exits too)

Reed: what do we do?

Owen: nothing…

Reed: what?

Richard: the abdominal artery is broken… The hemorrhage is too wide…

Reed: but we have to try… something… he is… so young… (she is crying. From the visit room arrives the continuous sound of the monitors. Owen and Richard rushes in. Reed follows them. She takes the cart and handles the paddles to Owen. He doesn't take them)

Owen: time of death… 14.40

Reed: you don't even try? We can…

Owen: we can't… We just have to let him go…. I'm sorry… (Reed runs out of the room)

* * *

Callie and Avery are in the OR.

Callie: crap…

Avery: it's tore to pieces… Will you fix it?

Callie: I don't know. The lower tibia is crushed… I need to insert a patch and nails. I hope they'll be enough… (Avery breaths out) Say what you want to say since this morning in the visit room…

Avery: I have nothing…

Callie: you have… since you took out his cell, a contrite expression appeared on your face. Spit it out.

Avery: it's just that this kid is 8. And he has a cell… a 500 bucks cell… I have never had a cell phone till I was 17 and started going out at evening. Why do parents make children to leave them home alone?

Callie: we don't know that…

Avery: we do… the nurse came to tell me she left several massages both on his mum's and dad's vocal mail. She couldn't reach anyone… Apparently they are two hot lawyers… The neighbor who called the ambulance is out waiting for news. She told me that Dave always plays alone in the garden… His parents are never home and he has a nanny somewhere… That lady had told him to stay away from the gate but his ball fell there and he went to take it…

Callie: aren't engines supposed to be protected?

Avery: I guess that the two hot lawyers will kick the property manager's ass…

Callie: this is the last of my problems… The gears has pulled the leg inside… Everything is mist… (she breaths out). Come on… baby…. You need your leg…

Avery: are you fine, Dr. Torres?

Callie: it's just… I don't like to have children on my table… I feel bad to know that this could be my child… He was just playing in the freaking garden… and he could lose a leg and be a gimp for the rest of his life…

* * *

Adele finds Miranda in a conference room. She knocks to the door and goes in.

Adele: Miranda…

Bailey: Adele…

Adele: I see you're the only one trying to get Richard thinking straight (she sits down)

Bailey: men can be useless suckers… They just hurt each other and can't apologize for that stupid proud of theirs.

Adele: they have their timing… But it's good someone keeps them in line… How is your son?

Bailey: he is fine. He is a little man by now… and he misses his dad.

Adele: do you miss him too?

Bailey: no… I've got used to the idea… I'm trying to build my own life…

Adele: some courter?

Bailey: yeah… we are trying to know each other… And you?

Adele: I'm too old for that… and I'm afraid I can't live without that old sucker of Richard…

Bailey: are you back together?

Adele: no… I'm just trying to understand what he is like… what he wants… if there is room for me in his life…

Bailey: of course there is… Since you came back, he looks more relaxed and self confident.

Adele: maybe it's just because he was given the chief back…

Bailey: I don't think so… This thing… Derek's thing… hit him hard… He looks different…

Adele: and what about Derek? I've met him twice and, seriously, I had troubles in recognizing him… He is the ghost of himself.

Bailey: he is under a lot of stress. He doesn't talk of what happened. Richard told me not to ambush him with questions, that there's something of his past I don't know… (she looks straight in Adele's eyes)

Adele: he likes you… He could talk to you…

Bailey: do you know what's this about?

Adele: I do… but it's something I can't tell you…

Bailey: why?

Adele: it's too private… And if you can't have him talk… I hope the hospital have a good shrink… (she stands up and leaves)

* * *

Mark is sitting with Lexie and Tutcher in the cafeteria. They are having lunch. Mark notices Arizona with a woman.

Mark: that's the parents' day…

Lexie: what?

Mark: I think that's Robbins's mum (Lexie turns around to stare at the blond woman)

Lexie: she looks more like a sister…

Mark: she hasn't sisters… plus Callie was very nervous because she was coming in town. It was a surprise… For Torres at least… (he looks up to see Arizona saying hi to him, he smiles. Lexie sees all the scene)

Lexie: I think she's inviting you there…

Mark: Where?

Lexie_ to the table, Mark. With them. To meet her (Mark cleans his mouth. He stands up)

Mark: excuse me Mr. Grey…

Tutcher: please… (he goes to Arizona's table)

Mark: good morning (he stretches his hand towards Arizona's mum) I'm Dr. Mark Sloan…

Mum: the plastic surgeon?

Mark: yeah… (he looks flattered)

Arizona: how do you know him?

Mum: my friends from the Country Club are always looking for hot plastic surgeons to fix their defects. I've heard a lot about you… I may need a retouching myself…

Arizona: mum!

Mark: I'd never operate on a woman like you. You look like sisters. You don't need anything (he sits)

Mum: I guess you know how to get what you want (Arizona's eyes go wider. Mark looks embarrassed). Will you leave me your phone number? My friends will be deadly jealous (Mark takes a card form his wallet). Do you just work here or have also a private practice?

Mark: just here…

Arizona: mum… enough with the questions… I see you have guests yourself, I don't want to keep you here…

Mark: I go back to my father in law

Mum: are you married? (Mark stands up)

Mark: not yet (he smiles and go away)

Mum: handsome colleagues… Nice place…

* * *

Derek and Meredith are done with the visit. They are walking down the corridor, Meredith is pushing the wheel chair.

Derek: I can't believe this is happening… (he shakes his head)

Meredith: what?

Derek: the baby… It's a dream… (she stops the wheel chair, they have almost reached their destination. She goes in front of him, her hands on his knees. She smiles) Are you happy about this? (a frown appears on her forehead. Derek swallows) I mean… you had told no babies right now and then… (she kisses him on the lips)

Meredith: you can't shut up… can you?

Derek: no (she pulls Meredith against him, she resists)

Meredith: Derek… it's not…

Derek: I just want to hold you… please (he looks her straight in the eyes and she can't resist anymore. She sits on his legs)

Meredith: do I hurt you?

Derek: no (he hugs her tightly, stroking her hair; they just part to kiss) I miss this… (he kisses her again)

Meredith: Derek… stop, please…. You're a bad guy, you know that?

Derek: don't talk like this in front of my kid… (they laugh. Someone clears its throat and they look up to see a woman smiling at them. Derek is surprised, Meredith recognizes Dr. Wyatt)

Meredith: Dr. Wyatt… this is Derek… my husband…. Derek, she is..

Derek: Dr. Wyatt… nice to meet you (he stretches his hand and she shakes it)

Dr. Wyatt: I'm happy to meet you too. I've been hearing about you… a lot

Derek: not everything she says is true… (Meredith pats him on the shoulder)

Dr. Wyatt: bad for you… Finally I thought she described you too good to be real… I'm happy to see you're fine… you gave us all a scare…

Derek: us?

Dr. Wyatt: yeah… I was coming to see you tomorrow…

Derek: what? Why?

Dr. Wyatt: the board has arranged a psychological care for private violence… They want you to have some sessions with me…

Derek: oh… (Derek's face grows paler)

Dr. Wyatt: just don't worry about it right now. Today is a happy day… I'll see you in the next weeks…

* * *

Owen finds Reed in the basement. She is sitting on a stretcher. A bottle of water in her hands.

Owen: you're here…

Reed: I'm sorry… I just needed some time… (she wipes some tear away. Owen leans on the opposite wall)

Owen: that's what I was talking about earlier… We must be ready to lie to our patients if it's necessary… Nobody is ready to hear he is going to die… We must be ready to understand where there is nothing left to do. It doesn't happen frequently thanks to God but… when it does… we must be able to understand it. I know we'd feel better to rush them into an OR and open them up but… we owe them our respect…

Reed: do you think he didn't know? (he breaths out)

Owen: at med school we are told that patients know… they feel… but it's different to feel it and to hear your doctor say it straight to your face… Many people are afraid of dying… I've seen people with a broken arm screaming they didn't want to die… and people who were fading away joking and laughing about what they were going to do the next day. We need to understand how they're like… even if we spend 3 minutes with them… we need to be able to get them. Many times we are the last persons they see… They need to know they're in good hands.

Reed: I don't think I'm cut for this after all…

Owen: I think you are instead… Being a good trauma surgeon doesn't mean to be insensitive… It means to manage this in public and then… coming down here to break down… Just take your time…

* * *

Callie and Avery scrubs out and they go to inform Dave's relatives. They find three people waiting for them.

Callie: are you Dave's parents?

Mum: yeah… how is he?

Callie: the wounds to his leg were bad… We had to reconstruct the bone… He'll need a plastic surgery in the next weeks… But I want you to know that, by now, I am not sure he will be able to walk normally…

Dad: what do you mean?

Callie: his leg was crushed… The fracture was multiple. It was difficult to insert the patch. We have to wait and see. I'm sorry (Dave's mum is crying. His dad turns around and look furious at the neighbor)

Dad: that's on you! (he points a finger against the woman, his voice is loud. Callie and Avery are stunned) You had to take him far from that damned gate! Where the hell were you?

Mum: Philippe… (the old woman is scared and keeps crying)

Dad: she was there and she did nothing (he gets closer. Avery comes out from the haze and puts himself between the man and the old woman. Arizona and her mum appear behind his back)

Avery: excuse me sir.. I know you're worried about your son but it's not her you have to blame…

Dad: who then?

Callie: just yourself (the man turns around and looks at her, a mad look on his face)

Dad: how do you dare? You don't know anything about my family! I should suit you and this hospital of incapables.

Callie: that's all you can think about? Blaming us.. her… the hospital? Your son is 8, he was home alone. He plays alone. His only company is a highly expensive cell. He could never walk again… If I was you I'd care about my priorities. Your son will be awake in an hour. You can go to see him (Dave's parents leave) Ass… (she looks at Avery). You haven't heard this

Avery: what? (he smiles and goes away. Callie notices Arizona and her mum getting closer)

Mum: iron lady…

Arizona: it's her (she smiles)

Mum: you have tastes, Ari… I give you that… (Arizona hugs Callie)

Arizona: you did great… (Callie starts crying)

Callie: I didn't… (Arizona flinches to hear her sobbing) That kid is 8… He can be damaged for the rest of his life… All because his parents are more involved in their careers than on family… Maybe you're right… We shouldn't have kids…

Mum: I leave you alone… Catch up later? (she goes away)

* * *

Bailey and Adele are in Derek's room. There is a big basin near his bed. He's sweated and laying on one side, curled on himself. Bailey is rubbing his back.

Bailey: is it any better? (Derek doesn't answer, he is panting). Derek… (he jerks ahead to empty his stomach in the basin again. He rests his forehead on the bed side, Miranda can feel him trembling)

Derek: I don't think this was a good idea…

Bailey: what?

Derek: antibiotics…

Bailey: it is… you know that… you just need to go through these first hours… (she is stroking his air)

Derek: I don't think I can do this… I'm… I can't….

Adele: I know Derek… but you're doing great…

Derek: great? Throwing my soul up… The ribs are killing me… I feel like a cat is playing inside my belly…

Bailey: well… you have an idea of what Meredith will be feeling in the next months…

Adele: wasn't the visit this morning? How did it go?

Derek: fine… She is the fine… The baby is fine… I hope she won't overdo… Bailey…

Bailey: yeah… yeah… I know… I'll keep an eye on her… The problem is who'll keep an eye on you…

Derek: I don't need that…

Bailey: I think you do instead… You're here, silent and dark… Where is the chatty, chatty guy I used to know? Do you know why Meredith is worried about you?

Derek: I guess you'll tell me…

Bailey: because you don't talk. Not to her. Not to her mum. Not to me. Not to Richard… Seriously Sheperd… Do you think the denial mode will do you any better?

Derek: I'm not in denial… It's just… I feel cornered… Meredith wants to know what happened in there… They want me to talk to a shrink. My mum looks at me like I'm going to break down any second…

Adele: she has a right to think that… Do you know how she must feel right now Derek? First her… (she stops noticing the bewildered look of Miranda)… now you

Bailey: what are you talking about?

Derek: nothing (he sends an annoyed glare to Adele). Why do you all want to know things? You saw them! What difference it can make if I tell you what you've already witnessed? You want to enjoy the show? Come to the trial… You'll see the full version…

Bailey: that's not the point, you idiot! I'm trying to help you like you did when my husband almost died and when my kid almost died and when O'Malley died… I'm here for you not to share a juicy gossip… You're hurting… It's written all over your face… And it's horrible to see you like that… You don't trust me enough to do it? That's fine… But there is a load of people out there queuing to do it. Just pick one…

Derek: yeah… I could tell my pregnant wife or my mum… Why not my sister Amelia… I guess she'd enjoy the sequel….

Bailey: sequel? (he tenses)

Derek: fuck (he throws up in the basin again… Bailey rubs his back while several coughs shake his body)

* * *

Meredith is changing into her street clothes. Lexie arrives in the locker room.

Lexie: hey… I haven't seen you the whole day…

Meredith: I'm sorry… the visit took more time than expected and I was paged in the pit then. Did Dad leave?

Lexie: yeah… after lunch. We waited for you but then… he left.

Meredith: I'm sorry… I didn't do it on purpose… It was just a crappy day…

Lexie: but the baby is fine, right?

Meredith: yeah… (she smiles and Lexie smiles her back)

Lexie: he's really happy for you… really… he doesn't show it… but he is. He is afraid to break your privacy asking things but… he is head over feet.

Meredith: did you go to see Derek?

Lexie: no… Bailey told me he was having a bad time and… we passed.

Meredith: Lexie… (she looks up and Lexie notices an uncertain expression in her eyes) Can I ask you something?

Lexie: sure…

Meredith: but you must promise you'll tell me the truth… ok? No lies…

Lexie: ok…

Meredith: did he forgive me? For Susan's…. your mum's thing?

Lexie: Meredith… He always asks me the same about you… He feels so guilty for what he told you and for the slap… He is ashamed to look at you… and he doesn't know what to do to approach you… He is not the easy type… you know that…

Meredith: he is just like me… (they laugh) Derek keeps repeating me that I have to give him a chance… and I want… really… it's just that I'm afraid… What if he doesn't like me? I did a lot of stupid things in my life… I was irresponsible… kind of a whore…. He sees me now that I'm with Derek, happy and pregnant but… if he comes here… he could know how I was like two years ago… Do you think he'll like me anyway?

Lexie: he does Meredith… Let him show you this…

* * *

Owen sees Cristina in the raised corridor. She is looking down the hall. He stops near her, his elbow brushing her arm.

Owen: hey…

Cristina: hi… good day?

Owen: not that much… I lost a patient… a young man… without even being able to try to do something….

Cristina: why?

Owen: rupture of the aorta… He died in five minutes…

Cristina: I'm sorry…

Owen: he was going to get married in three weeks…

Cristina: sad…

Owen: yeah… your day?

Cristina: boring… I was stuck all day in the pit giving stitches and taking blood samples…. A bunch of idiots went for a snack and ate poisoning mushrooms. We had to make all tests to realize that because they were sure to have found ceps. No one bothered to tell us the truth (Owen smiles) You know what? I just don't get how people like stuff like this… To go in the mountains… fishing… collecting mushrooms… Why don't they just go to the supermarket to buy them?

Owen: because you'd lose all the magic…

Cristina: you talk like Sheperd.

Owen: I think it's great a world class surgeon, rich enough to buy everything lives in the woods in a trailer. It's romantic. And easy. And simple.

Cristina: I don't like simple…

Owen: that I know… (he gives her a mischievous look and kisses her). What about going out for dinner…

Cristina: who?

Owen: you and me maybe?

Cristina: I told Meredith we'd have eaten something together…

Owen: can I join you?

Cristina: what? Do you want a threesome? (Malice sparkles in her eyes this time. Owen is embarrassed)

Owen: I… no… I… can't manage you alone… Two women.. too much for me. See you tomorrow, ok? (He turns on his heels but Cristina catches his arm and pulls him back. She kisses him)

Cristina: I was kidding… 20 in the hall?

Owen: ok…

Cristina: steak and mushrooms?

Owen: not those your guys found I hope…

Cristina: no… I want the after dinner then… So you need to eat healthy… (they part)

* * *

Arizona and her mum are at Joe's. Callie joins them and sits at the table. She stretches her hand towards Arizona's mum.

Callie: I'm Calliope Torres… you can call me Callie (the woman takes her hand). I'm sorry for today… You'll think I'm a moron…

Mum: no… on the contrary… I think you're a woman who thinks. Thinking usually brings doubts. And Arizona told me you're a very sensitive girl so… I appreciate that…

Callie: really? I thought you were the typical army wife… No hesitation…

Mum: legends… So… Arizona told me you had a bad time telling your father you were dating my daughter…

Callie: he didn't expect that… I had never shown interest in women before… He wasn't ready… But then he understood it's what I wanted and… we are fine now…

Mum: you're lucky. It's difficult for parents to accept this thing,

Callie: was it even for you?

Mum: no… after my son died… nothing could shock me like that… And Arizona is happy so… we are too.

Arizona: can we talk of something less serious?

Mum: sure… you could talk me about your hospital… It seems a nice place, nice people…

Callie: it is… We are colleagues but, more than that, we are friends, a team. It's a pleasure to go working in the morning. And sometimes, in the evening, we met all together to drink something.

Arizona: many of the doctors live in our building… Dr. Sloan…

Mum: the plastic guy?

Callie: yeah… he lives in the opposite door. Cristina and Owen live at the end of the landing.

Mum: I guess all the joint owners will be happy… If someone felt sick… plenty of doctors in the nearness…

Arizona: yeah… so… why dad isn't here?

Mum: you know him… always a lot of things to do… He went to a meeting in Portland with his fellow officers (her phone rings. She takes it and smiles). That's him… I go out… (she stands up and leaves. Callie follows her with her look)

Arizona: she likes you…

Callie: I don't think so… I was a mess today… Not the reliable and strong woman… I think she'll tell you to break up with me…

Arizona: I wouldn't do it anyway. I love you (Callie smiles)

* * *

_The main problem about people who looks for truth is that, sometimes, they are not ready for it…_

_They dig in reality to find answers and, most times, when they get, they don't like them at all._

_Truth can have the destructive power of a hurricane… It can leave you breathless… wordless… It can upset all your certainties and let you understand that you don't know people at all… neither your friends_

* * *

Richard enters Derek's room. Bailey is still there, sitting near his bed.

Richard: how is he doing?

Derek: I've nothing left to throw up so… at the moment I'm fine… (he speaks keeping his eyes closed. Bailey shakes her head).

Bailey: he has a fever… I guess it's a symptom of the infection…

Richard: pain in your limbs?

Derek: yeah… I feel like a truck ran over me… And it did in a certain way…

Richard: what do you mean?

Derek: you assigned me Bailey for the whole day. And Adele was here too. Do I have to explain more? (Richard breaths out).

Richard: they are just worried Derek. Like Meredith, me… and your mum… Is she coming back?

Derek: on Friday I think… she shouldn't.

Richard: you could make things easier on her…

Derek: how? Turning back time? This is the worst thing who could happen to her…

Richard: it's not… You could have died. This would have been worse. And it happened to you…

Derek: Richard… she had to deal with my sister almost dying… I…. know what I'm talking about…

Richard: but she didn't die. She is here. Accidents happen Derek. You couldn't avoid this. And either your sister's almost death.

Derek: I could… I knew she wasn't fine… She told me not to hover but… I knew.. And I also knew Meredith… (he breaths out and closes his eyes. Richard and Bailey share a worried look)

Bailey: what about her?

Richard: Derek…

Derek: I knew she wasn't fine the ferry accident day. But I let her go. And she drowned. She didn't swim…

Richard: what are you talking about?

Derek: she didn't swim… She gave up…. I found her three strokes from the dock… She just… How can I tell her everything without freaking her out?

Bailey: she grew, Derek… She is not like that anymore…

Derek: I am not either… I hold her corpse in my arms… I hold my sister's corpse in my arms… What should I tell my mother? That while I was laying on that damned floor I kept hearing my father's last words? Do you think this should be easier on her? You keep saying wonderful stuff about sharing and talking but… you don't know a damn thing… I'm trying to protect them…

* * *

_Truth can be a black hole. It can devour you… your strength and you can never find your way out._

* * *

Meredith, Cristina and Owen are sitting at a restaurant table. Meredith is showing them the baby scans.

Cristina: it's really a peanut… (Meredith is eating an enormous steak). You don't need to eat all that cow for the moment…

Meredith: you're kidding… Sometimes my sight fails for the hunger during the day… Pregnancy whets appetite…

Cristina: you'll become a fat whale…

Owen: she won't.

Meredith: thank you… And Derek volunteered to satisfy all my night wishes…

Cristina: he has always done that (Owen coughs almost choking on his salad) What?

Owen: she didn't mean that…

Cristina: didn't you? (she looks at Meredith stunned)

Meredith: no… I was talking about cooking… I don't talk always about sex…

Cristina: pregnancy really changed your priorities… Karev will be grateful too… (Meredith shows her tongue) So… is McMum coming back?

Meredith: on a few days I think…

Cristina: you don't seem too happy about that…

Meredith: I am… It's just that they have a hard time in taking…

Cristina: who?

Meredith: Derek and his mum…

Owen: they look really bound (Meredith plays with her fork)

Meredith: they are…

Owen: and she seems sensitive too….

Meredith: yeah… that's not the point (she looks up)

Cristina: what is the point then?

Meredith: this thing has opened old wounds… Derek doesn't want to hurt her… she is living bad memories and… (she breaths out)

Cristina: in English, please?

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: what?

Owen: I think it's a very private thing… (their eyes lock for a moment and Cristina looks down)

Cristina: I'm sorry… (a heavy silence falls on the table)

Meredith: Derek's dad was murdered… (both Owen and Cristina look up at her)… shot… during a robbery in his shop…

Cristina: that explains why he behaved like an ass to William Dunn…

Hunt: and why he snapped when that guy called him a murderer… He must be in hell right now…

Meredith: he doesn't talk… He is afraid to open up and… just keeps everything inside… We met Dr. Wyatt today… She said something about the board wanting him in therapy and he looked scared…

Cristina: it's Derek, Meredith… He wants to carry the world upon his shoulders… He doesn't want to hurt you, to hurt his mum but… He can't deal with all this…

Meredith: I know but… sometimes I wonder if I really want to know what happened in there… (Cristina and Owen share a look, Owen shakes his head and they go back eating)

* * *

_Sometimes it's too scary to look at… and you avoid it._

_But the straw is that it always comes back to you…_

* * *

Richard: who will protect you?

Derek: I don't need that…

Richard: really? Even if you were right, and you're not, who will protect them at the trial? Do you want to go in there without telling anything? Do you want them to watch that type without knowing what to wait for?

Derek: I…

Richard: believe me, Derek. You don't want that… Many times not knowing is worse than knowing…

Derek: all these years… I've kept wondering why I had to be there… to see everything without being able to do anything….

Richard: you can't change what happened to your father…. (Bailey looks at them both not knowing what are they talking about). Have you ever told Meredith?

Derek: she knows…

Richard: everything?

Derek: just that he was shot… (a grimace of surprise paints Bailey's face)

Richard: you've never told her you were there…

Bailey: oh my God…

Derek: no

Richard: do you plan to do it?

Derek: I… don't know

Richard: it sounds as a no to me… I thought you were over this…

Derek: about what? My dad being murdered in his shop for a watch?

Richard: of course not… Over the guiltiness… and the rage… Your father did nothing wrong Derek. And you either. You have no fault in what happened to you. I'd have done the same. I'd have told the same words. Mr. Clark had no right, no reason to do what he did. You accepted to meet him and it's wonderful. You have a great nerve to do it… But if it's guiltiness who had you said yes to this… take your time… Are you really sure you can't look him in the eye after what he did to you? After all that violence… all that brutality?

Derek: I…

Richard: Owen went through a war… God knows how many people killed he saw… how many friends died in his arms… but you know what? (Derek shakes his head) At the end of that damned type he was crying… and I was too… So Derek, the question is simple… do you really want your parents and relatives to face hell without knowing? I guess no (he stands up and leaves. Some tear is streaming down Derek's cheek. Bailey wipes them away)

* * *

_But truth is our passport to freedom and happiness. _

* * *

Owen and Cristina are home. Cristina has put the keys in and has opened the door. She lingers there.

Owen: so… good night…

Cristina: you won't stay? (Owen kisses her. His words are a breath)

Owen: I'm afraid of staying…

Cristina: what? Why?

Owen: I love you…

Cristina: I love you too…

Owen: I love you and I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself (Cristina pulls him inside the door)

Cristina: you're over PTS… (she kisses him)

Owen: I didn't mean that (she is unbuttoning his shirt, her hands are all over him)

Cristina: do you mean this? (he pulls her shirt over her head)

Owen: no… (they kiss)

Cristina: what then?

Owen: I'd like to ask you something but… I know I can't… (they fall on the bed together)

Cristina: it's something you want me to do?

Owen: yeah… but you're not ready and I have no right in asking after what I did to you… (their lips meet again. Their bodies slide under the covers and they give way to all the passion bottled up in the last weeks. They lay naked, embraced, finally satisfied)

Cristina: so… did I do what you were afraid to ask? (Owen kisses her neck)

Owen: no… but I didn't mean a sexual thing… (Cristina rolls over him)

Cristina: no? (she has a pout on her face) You had to tell me before… I was all docile and subdued to please you….

Owen: I wouldn't define you docile… But I'd never ask you to do things…

Cristina: so what is this about?

Owen: I told you… I have to deserve this…

Cristina: give me a tip …

Owen: I'll scare you …

Cristina: you choked me… Is this scarier?

Owen: in a certain way, it is…

Cristina: test me…

Owen: I want to marry you… (he looks her straight in her eyes, He can see a glimpse of fear. But she doesn't move. She just leans her head on his chest and falls asleep)

* * *

_Welcome to my truth…_


	18. FATHER AND SON

Sorry... I'm late. But the finale upset me and I couldn't be able to write anymore.

Tell me if you want me to go on or starting a new fic based on the season finale.

* * *

**Father and son**

**When we are kids our brain is full by a thousand heroes…**

(a toddler walks in the hospital dragging a bear)

**Robots… steel dolls…. Ghosts….. human saviours….**

**But nobody equals in greatness the image we have of our father and our mother…. (Derek kisses her mum's cheek)**

**Has it ever happened to you to unleash fights screaming "my dad is stronger than yours or my mummy is more beautiful than yours"? Sweet memories… **

**Then we grow up, our myths get boundaries, they lose their halo and become cruelly and crudely realistic…**

**And the problems begin…**

* * *

Cristina in walking quickly down the corridor, she seems to be running. Behind her, her mum tries to keep up)

Mum: so… Cristina…. Aren't you happy to see me?

Cristina: I'm mum but I'm working. I can stay here the whole day chatting with you. And why didn't you call me? You know I don't like surprises…

Mum: how do I have to repeat myself? I was going on holiday and my flight was diverted here… What was I supposed to do? Send you a carrier pigeon? I'm your mother…

Cristina: I know… But I can stay with you right now… I have to go to the clinic right now. If you can wait, we'll see later, ok?

(without letting her the time to answer she takes a chart and goes away. Her mum stands still for some moment, then she sits in a chair in the waiting room)

* * *

Richard meets Derek's mum outside his room. He notices she seems upset.

Richard: Mrs. Sheperd…

Mrs. Sheperd: Dr. Webber…

Richard: it's Richard, ok?

Mrs. Sheperd: only if I'm Sofia…

Richard: Sofia… are you fine?

Mrs. Sheperd: I'm… but he's not… (Richard looks in to see a nurse helping Derek throwing up. He lays his hand on her shoulder).

Richard: it's going to pass soon… I know it's hard…. being able to do nothing but… today antibiotics side effects should drop… He'll be better…

Mrs. Sheperd: I'd like to be so optimistic….

Richard: we talked yesterday (she turns around to look at him)… a bit…. He is really…. I don't know how to say….

Mrs. Sheperd: messed up?

Richard: yeah…

Mrs. Sheperd: since James died he felt in the due to take care of me, of his sisters… of everything. To give us support and advice…. But …. Now I realize he needed this more than anyone and my daughters… didn't do a great job… And it's my fault too…

Richard: it's not… He is just the kind of guy who always turns the other cheek, who always gives chances. And we misread that… I thought he was over a lot of things but… they were lingering there…. And now they burst out… He'll talk to you… Give him time…

Mrs. Sheperd: I go to grab a coffee… (they share a smile and Richard enters Derek's room)

Richard: morning… (the nurse goes out with the basin)

Derek: hi…

Richard: bad night?

Derek: not good… And the day didn't begin much better… I've already scared her….

Richard: you mum is a tough woman to scare… (he sits on the bed)

Derek: Richard, I appreciate your help but… I'm not in the talking mode right now…

Richard: I'm not either… (Derek looks up, Richard's face is really serious). We're done talking Derek. You must do it with someone else. Meredith will be busy the whole day with her interviews… Start with her… (he stands up and goes away, he meets Derek's mum on the door)

* * *

Bailey is at the cafeteria to have breakfast with her son. Walking with her tray she spots Ben sitting alone.

Bailey: Tuck… Mum is introducing you to one of her friends… be nice…. (she arrives behind Ben) Hey (he turns around, a smile curls his face when he sees her)

Ben: Miranda…. And the little champ….

Bailey: can I sit here?

Ben: sure…. (she sits holding Tuck in her arms. The child looks curious at Ben). Why isn't the little man at kindergarten yet?

Bailey: he was… but he hit a little girl and the teacher called me…

Ben: did she piss you off?

Tuck: yep

Bailey: she didn't… the little guy here is becoming to use his fists too much.

Ben: is it true, champion? (the baby shakes his head)

Bailey: I'm serious here… It's the third time I'm called for the same reason in a few months….

Ben: ok… but you and your husband divorced… Maybe he just want attention… (the child digests loudly. Bailey is stunned). And he knows how to get it (Bailey turns the child towards her face)

Bailey: Bless you… You look like your dad… you know that?

Tuck: dad (he laughs waving his little hands. Bailey smiles too)

Ben: you'll become strong like your dad and smart and beautiful as your mom…

Bailey: Flatterer…

Ben: hey… do you want to see a game? (Tuck nods and Ben takes a napkin from the table. With the towel and his fingers he makes animals and mimes a chase. At the end Tuck slaps his hands and Bailey laughs)

Bailey: you're good…

Ben: I've got 3 nieces I drive them crazy with this…

Bailey: I take him back now…. (she stands up, Ben does too. To her surprise Tuck stretches his arms towards Ben). What?

Ben: he wants to come here (he takes the child and they start going out of the cafeteria. Tuck pumps his arm showing his muscle) Wow…. You're a big man…

* * *

Arizona is in the bathroom with Callie, who seems upset.

Arizona: Callie… it's just for two days…

Callie: it's not that… I'm…. I….. maybe it's better I go sleep at Mark's while she's here (she steps towards the door, Arizona stops her)

Arizona: you'll not. I'll tell her to go back to the hotel (she exits, Callie breaths out and follows her in the living room. Arizona's mum is sitting on the couch, her luggage in front of the door)

Arizona: mum…

Callie: I've made up the bed for you (Arizona turns to look at her stunned) and prepared some clean towel.

Mum: so that's where you live…

Arizona: yeah… but we are thinking of finding something bigger…

Mum: you're right… It's small and… quite squalid… And the view is bad….. (Callie looks offended and Arizona takes her arm).

Arizona: do you know how much time we spend here? Or how much we would spend in any other house? Just the time to sleep…

Mum: yeah… but you could choose and arrange everything with a little more of class… What do you think Callie?

Callie: I'm not a very trendy girl… despite my mum (her pager beeps). I must go. See you later (she kisses Arizona on the cheek and then goes)

Mum: what did that mean?

Arizona: what? The kiss?

Mum: no… the mum's remark…

Arizona: oh… nothing… her family is rich and she grew up in some kind of castle…

Mum: she looks easy…

Arizona: she is, mum. You were too cruel with our home.

Mum: it's really a stable…

Arizona: home…

* * *

(Cristina finds Owen in the clinic)

Cristina: hey (he looks at her smiling brightly and kisses her) What?

Owen: nothing…

Cristina: why are you here?

Owen: it looked like a quite day and Bailey asked me to come here… I have a class over there to look at… Do you want to take part?

Cristina: to what?

Owen: louse search… (Cristina seems disgusted) Never mind… (he gets closer to a young girl who looks like the teacher) Hi… I'm Dr. Hunt…

Girl: I'm Ellen… and I hope you'll help us this time…

Owen: what do you mean?

Ellen: we came here last month. There was a young doctor. She told us everything was fine but… it's not… There's something going on…

Cristina: how was she?

Ellen: I'm sorry?

Cristina: the doctor…

Ellen: she was young, dark hair…

Child: she was pissed… with a colleague… She called her a whore…

Ellen: Max!

Max: what? She was mad as she had stolen something from her… and she didn't care about us…

Owen: we do instead… Let's get started (they check the first two children) Ok… a lollipop for all of you. Come on (he gestures two other kids to get closer. He starts examining a little boy) Hey…

Cristina: what? (she gets closer to Owen and looks at the boy's scalp). That's not a louse. It looks like… (Owen silences her with his look)

Ellen: what? What's wrong with Michael?

Owen: nothing… just sand…

Cristina: you're free to go (the little girl jumps down the chair, takes a candy and goes playing with others)

Michael: can I go too?

Owen: no, champ… Just stay here a moment… (he touches quickly his forehead and feels it burning). I come back in a minute (Cristina follows him)

Cristina: was that a tick?

Owen: yeah… he has a fever. I saw a sting behind his ear. We need to take a sample to all of them and have them analyzed. Michael first (they hear loud noises coming from outside, kids fighting and Ellen screaming to calm them down. Owen opens the door, he sees Michael on the floor fighting with another kid, they are beating each other and Mary can't part them. He runs back) Stop! (he lifts the two children, one in each arm). What are you doing?

Michael: he got started!

David: that's not true! You came to school to give us that thing…

Michael: he told my parents are dirt poor! (he puts them down)

Owen: that's enough… Ok? (he bends on his knees to look at them) Michael didn't give you anything, probably he got what he has at school, ok? (he speaks to Ellen) Now we take some blood and you'll be good till we have the results, ok? (the children nod). Let's go…

* * *

Meredith is walking down the corridor. She passes in front of the waiting room and goes ahead. She stops abruptly as she is sure to have seen a familiar face. She comes back.

Meredith: Mrs. Yang? (the woman, who is doing a crossword, looks up)

Yang: yeah?

Meredith: I'm…

Yang: Meredith! (she stands up) It's a pleasure to see you… How are you?

Meredith: fine, thanks…. I didn't know you were here…

Yang: it wasn't planned indeed. Cristina didn't know it either...

Meredith: have you seen her?

Yang: yes… but she had surgery, I'm waiting for her to have a talk. To extort her something to tell the truth. She doesn't say me anything… I've called her after I read what happened to your chief on the newspaper …

Meredith: did the news arrive in Colorado too?

Yang: just three sentences… Is he ok? (she notices the unease in Meredith's eyes. She takes her hand) Darling…

Meredith: I… he's fine…. He's my husband… (Yang's face becomes a grimace of astonishment) Derek Sheperd…. The witness at Cristina's….

Yang: you got married?

Meredith: yeah

Yang: it's beautiful! Cristina didn't tell me… It's a great step… You made up your mind. I hope my daughter will do it too…

Meredith: she is… she has… (she is rambling)

Yang: does she have someone? (Meredith's pager beeps)

Meredith: I'm sorry… I need to go…. (she stands up and walks away)

Yang: but… does she or…. (the question is suspended in the air because Meredith is already far. Cristina's mum goes back to her crossword)

* * *

Derek's mum is in his room. She is helping him shaving in his bed.

Sofia: stay still Derek… I don't want to add a scar… (she finishes what she is doing, she wipes the after shave away and strokes his cheeks. She notices he is staring at her without saying anything. She touches the scar on his forehead) You know you can tell me everything… (their eyes lock in a silent conversation)

Derek: it's not easy, mum…. (he gives her a sad smile)

Sofia: are you afraid to hurt me? (he nods and swallows) To scare me?

Derek: yeah…

Sofia: that it will be too much for me?

Derek: yes…

Sofia: this is a big day… my son said three yes in a sentence… It had never happened before… (she laughs but Derek is serious). I… I can't understand what happened in there… I can't imagine what you felt, what went through your mind but… I'd like to help… You have never talked to me… even when dad died… you kept everything in your heart and… when I look at you, I see a bottled up person… I'm afraid this was too much on you and I feel useless…

Derek: mum… I…

Sofia: you're my son Derek… You can have a wife, a family and be over your 30 from a lot of time but… you're still my boy…. It's me who should protect you….

Derek: it's just there are a lot of things you don't know and… they are difficult to explain….

Sofia: try… (she takes his hand and squeezes it. Derek looks up)

Derek: the girl who made the medication… on the verge of crying had… has…. kind an obsession for me…

Sofia: I heard you got the hot name of McDreamy down here…. (she smiles inviting him to go on)

Derek: she… helped that man… (his mum's look grows serious) and…. tried to take advantage of the situation…

Sofia: how? (he closes his eyes… the image of Derek and Sofia becomes more and more far, we can't hear his words, his mum sits on the bed holding his hand while he keeps talking)

* * *

Arizona, her mother and Callie are sitting in the cafeteria. They are drinking a coffee.

Mum: it's many years you live here?

Callie: yeah… some… five or six I guess…

Arizona: it's strange…

Callie: what?

Arizona: I made my whole residency here but we never met around…

Callie: I was a mole. I spent my time in the OR or in the basement…

Mum: basement?

Callie: I lived there… for some months….

Arizona: where? In the basement?

Callie: yeah… till Webber caught me and kicked me out. I lived in a hotel for almost an year and then I went leaving with Cristina…

Arizona: hot… (she smiles at Callie)

Mum: yeah… appropriate word… I can't get why you can live here. It's always rainy, it's cold. It looks like being in another world. Is it lively at least?

Callie: if you have spare time, Seattle gives a lot of things

Arizona: theatres, cinemas. Nice restaurants… Do you know I bought her tickets for Romeo and Juliet?

Mum: and how did it go? (she talks to Callie)

Callie: it didn't go… She was knocked down and we could not go out…

Arizona: karma… It was her doing…

Mum: so… if you didn't meet here, how did the two of you get in contact?

Arizona: I picked her up at Joe's… (her mum looks at her) It's a bar across the street…

Callie: doctor's bar… The owner is a friend, he owns us his life…

Arizona: just to Sheperd…

Mum: he is your chief?

Callie: how do you know?

Mum: what happened arrived home too. I just can't believe a patient's relative could do these things…

Arizona: we didn't think of it either… It's better not to think about it…

Callie: if we want to keep being doctors and do our job properly...

Mum: are your parents happy with your kind of life? (Callie laughs nervously)

Callie: despite working is honorable, enjoying the privileges would be better for them. But I want independency, I want to shine in the hospital, I want to build my own life and family.

Mum: this speech sounds really familiar to me…

* * *

Cristina comes back to her mum in the waiting room. She is still doing her crosswords.

Cristina: I'm here mum. We can go eat something if you want

Mum: sure (she takes her bag and stands up. They walk to the elevator without speaking. The doors open, Owen is inside)

Owen: Yang… (he has a very professional tone. Both Cristina and her mum looks up and talk simultaneously)

Mum and Cristina: yes? (Owen looks at the woman standing near Cristina and Cristina looks at her badly too)

Cristina: he was talking to me, mum.

Owen: nice to meet you, madam. I'm Owen Hunt, your daughter's colleague (they shake hand)

Mum: it's my pleasure, Owen. Are you new here? I don't remember you…

Owen: Yeah…I'm. Didn't your daughter talk to you about me? (Cristina stares at him, he looks amused)

Mum: she doesn't talk to me about anything. I met her colleagues and friends after the abortion (Owen's face becomes uncertain) and when I came here for the wedding… her wedding…

Owen: she didn't tell you bad about me. It's a good start, isn't it? (the doors open, Cristina goes out without speaking, her mum smiles at Owen and he smiles back)

Mum: good looking guy… Who is he?

Cristina: he told you, mum

Mum: but what does he do here?

Cristina: surgeon (she sits annoyed and her mum sits too)

Mum: why can't we talk civilly? Like mother and daughter?

Cristina: I guess we are…

Mum: you call this talking? I'm extorting you words with forceps… How are you?

Cristina: fine. Work is good, everything is fine…

Mum: is it? I'm worried about you…

Cristina: why?

Mum: you seem lonely… I'm afraid you'll end up be alone. You never call me and I'm scared to do it… I don't want to intrude in your privacy but… you disappear for months…

Cristina: I'm sorry mum… I'm not very communicative. It's not your fault… it's not for you… I've always been this way…

Mum: after your dad died… I know we are really different: you live for your career, you were the best of your class, always. You wanted to succeed. I'm just a rich housewife whose weekly main day is the Saturday's manicure. But I'm your mother, I'd like you to let me in your life. I esteem you. I'm proud of you and I know I'm the opposite kind of a mother you'd like to have: nosey, disorganized and lazy.

Cristina: you're what I'll never be. What I wanted to be when I was a kid. But I changed. And it's not I don't respect you, on the contrary. I'm just…. shy. But don't stop looking for me…

* * *

(Owen comes back to the clinic with the blood tests results. He finds Alex waiting for him)

Alex: Cristina asked me to cover her half an hour…

Owen: no problem… All the kids are fine but Michael. Blood tests are completely out of range (he puts the paper on the table so that Alex can look at it)

Alex: he has an infection… to the head?

Owen: I don't know it yet… We need a CT. I would send the others home and tell Ellen to call Michael's parents, stat

Alex: I'll do it… Can I do something now?

Owen: we need to push antibiotics. Do we have them here?

Alex: I go to take them. And inform Robbins too

Owen: thank you (Alex goes away, Owen feels someone tugging at his coat, he looks down to see Michael). Hey… you ok?

Michael: why can the others go and I can't? (Owen lifts him and sits him on the table). Do I have louses?

Owen: no… There's a little animal which lives with you. It's a tick

Michael: what's that?

Owen: it's a tiny tiny animal. But it can be dangerous and we want to be sure to have sent it away before letting you go home. Doctor Karev will call your parents now, they'll come here and will stay with you while we have some more exam.

Michael: my father won't come… David is right…. He can't leave his work…

Owen: I'm sure he will…

Michael: we don't have all the things others do. My dad tell me he stays out at night to defense me and mum. But I know what he does, where he goes…

Owen: will you tell me?

Michael: he has a second job. He's not a hero…

Owen: sure he is… He takes care of you and your mum to give you all that he can. And he works at night… he's brave… I'd be scared to stay out alone… in the darkness…

Michael: it's not true!

Owen: It is… I'm not that fool… If we finish late I'll tell your father to wait for me to go out… so he'll take me to the parking… to my car (Michael smiles) Will he do that?

Michael: I can ask him if you want…

Owen: would you really do that? (the child nods) Let's make a deal then. I set you free from your guest and your father will defense me… Ok?

Michael: ok…

* * *

Meredith is in the conference waiting for Webber to come. She is writing and drawing on a notes. Richard arrives.

Richard: Meredith… excuse me. I'm late

Meredith: no problem… quite day…

Richard: have you seen Derek?

Meredith: this morning… (Richard notices discomfort in her eyes)

Richard: Meredith… is there something wrong?

Meredith: no… I went even later but… there was his mum in and they look like they were having a very serious conversation… She was hugging him for dear life and… I didn't want to intrude… (Richard breaths out)

Richard: it's not up to me to tell you Meredith but… he will talk to you…

Meredith: about what?

Richard: everything… His past, what happened… There is a reason why Derek is the man he is… And I promise all will be clear in a few time… Let's talk about you now… (he takes the form on the table) Neuro… you won't follow your mum's footsteps… (he pulls his glasses off and looks at her)

Meredith: not if I'm in neuro… but we both know I'm not as talented as she was…

Richard: that's not true… You are… different.

Meredith: that's what I meant…

Richard: no… Ellis was… a force of nature. She could destroy you. She didn't accept a denial, she didn't leave space to anyone.

Meredith: she could afford that..

Richard: nobody can… You did great Meredith. With all the pressure on you… all the weight…. You are a very good surgeon but you are human. And you make mistakes. But you're also capable of great intuitions: look at the trial… and many surgeries… you thought straight while others didn't. Every surgeon has a dark moment: Derek had, I had, Bailey had… It's a wheel Meredith. But you'd do great. Whatever you decide to do. Whatever attendings will decide.

Meredith: what do you mean?

Richard: I can't assure your request will be accepted. It's up to the majority to decide. You know that.

Meredith: sure (she stands up). We were wondering when you'll decide…

Richard: in a week or so… I need to know when Derek will feel for it… (Meredith turns around, she is on the door) Uhm… Meredith…

Meredith: yeah… (she turns around to look at him)

Richard: tell the others not to wrack their brain to guess… We are unpredictable… (she smiles and leaves)

* * *

Lexie arrives out of Derek's room with her father. He is alone.

Lexie: wait me here, ok?

Thucher: I don't think this is a good idea, Lexie…

Lexie: it is, dad… You need to become part of Meredith's life and this is her husband. He is a great guy and it's his credit Meredith gave me a chance. You need to talk to him, ok? (he nods) Wait here… (she goes in. Derek opens his eyes, they are red) Hey…

Derek: Lexie…

Lexie: are you fine? (she is torturing her hands and nails)

Derek: my usual… And you?

Lexie: great! (Derek laughs)

Derek: you know what?

Lexie: what?

Derek: you and Meredith are really sisters… I can read things all over your faces… What's up?

Lexie: nothing… (Derek lifts a brow) It's just… my… our father came here last week…

Derek: Mer told me…

Lexie: he's here now…

Derek: oh…

Lexie: he'd like to meet you…

Derek: me?

Lexie: you're his son in law…

Derek: I had never considered that…

Lexie: Mer wants to give him a chance and… it would be great if you could too

Derek: I have nothing against him… but… Meredith suffered a lot because of him…

Lexie: he knows that… He wants to make up with her… starting new…

Derek: and this is great. But this topic is her weak spot. She is fragile now… I can't be with her till I'm stuck here… And she can't live huge stress… and I'm going to cause her troubles for a lot of time…

Lexie: I know you're worried… You're right to be… Last time they met… I know what happened… Mark told me. And I know she pushed you away. But this is different. He is different. Please, Derek… I… I'd not ask you this now if I wasn't sure he has changed… (Derek meets her eyes, she is pleading)

Derek: ok… ok, let him in (Lexie smiles and goes back to the door, Derek sees Tutcher coming in)

* * *

Mark is sitting alone in the cafeteria. He is drinking a coffee and, looking around, she notices a woman sitting alone. He immediately recognizes Derek's mum. He stands up and joins her.

Mark: Mrs. Sheperd…

Sofia: Markie (she is sniffling)

Mark: what's wrong? (she wipes some tear away) Is Derek not feeling good?

Sofia: no…. I mean, yes.. He has been throwing up the whole day… But… that's not this….

Mark: what is it then?

Sofia: he told me something about what happened and… I was sure I could do this but…. Actually I can't… (she sniffles again). Mark…

Mark: yes?

Sofia: can I ask you something?

Mark: of course…

Sofia: do you think he is afraid Meredith could run away? I mean… I don't know her that much but I know she had… has issues… she freaks out easily… Do you think Derek is afraid to scare her?

Mark: about what?

Sofia: about telling her the truth… about his dad… about Amelia… He told me he has never said anything to her about this…

Mark: I think he was in the past but… not anymore. They have grown, she has. They love each other, nothing will set them apart. It's just you know him… he doesn't talk about these things with anyone… Nobody knows anything about his past… he has closed them in a closet and put on his good face… There was just a moment all these weaknesses came out…

Sofia: when she drowned?

Mark: he told you?

Sofia: she did…

Mark: I think we should let him time to figure things out… He is going to talk… he has… there is a trial coming and… willing or not… he'll talk…. And finally he'll find his peace… about everything…

Sofia: I don't know…

Mark: but I do… (he taker her hand). He has changed… a lot. In better. And it was thanks to Meredith. He found his balance here. It's more private, more intimate. He can be who he is, playing the fresh man… the natural… I think, at a certain point, back in New York, he was just living the fake life…

Sofia: what do you mean?

Mark: he held his life because he felt he had to… but it was not what he liked anymore… Addison brought him on a road which wasn't his…. Her family didn't like him… and his didn't like her… He was lonely… And I gave him the final blow… But this is his life now… He won't do the same mistake for the second time. And I won't either (his pager beeps) I have to go now… (he leaves, Sofia stays there some minute. Her eyes are low on the table. She notices someone sitting in front of her and she finds Meredith there)

Sofia: Meredith… (Meredith notices her puffy eyes) I have lost the track of time… Can you suggest me a hotel near the hospital? The one I stayed in last time is full and I don't know Seattle… I can't go to my son's home as he is still living in a box with wheels… so…

Meredith: you could come home with me… I have a free room… (Sofia looks surprised) If you don't mind roommates and disorder… you can stay at my home… which is more our home till the new house won't be ready…

Sofia: you're kind but I don't want to bother you…

Meredith: you won't… I'd be a pleasure…

* * *

Owen arrives in Michael's room. The kid is in the bed, his parents and Arizona are there too.

Owen: everything's fine?

Michael: yeah

Mum: is he okay?

Arizona: yes… the infection was just at the beginning. Some day of antibiotics and he'll be fine. We have contacted the kindergarten and they made the necessary checks. They found ticks on the dog in the yard.

Dad: thank you doctor

Arizona: it's not me you have to thank. But Dr. Hunt.

Michael: so it's not here anymore, the tiny animal which lived with me?

Owen: no… it's gone… It packed and it will find a nicer place to live.

Dad: you need to sleep now, Michael. It's late.

Michael: is it dark outside?

Dad: yeah, it's time to sleep…

Michael: ok… you go away?

Dad: yeah… mum is going to stay here. I'll be out there to protect you (he kisses his forehead and goes towards the door)

Michael: dad!

Dad: what?

Michael: can you take Dr. Hunt to his car? He is afraid of darkness… (the man and Arizona turn to look at Owen uncertain. But they notice an imperceptible wink)

Dad: I'll take him, don't worry (Michael smiles widely and closes his eyes)

Owen meets Cristina in an On Call room, she is laying on the bed.

Owen: hey… are you still escaping from your mum?

Cristina: no… she is down in the cafeteria. I'll go see her in half an hour.

Owen: she looks… nice (he sits on the same bed)

Cristina: she is… We just can't live in the same place for more than two hours… She is too… communicative.

Owen: she adores you… (she giggles)

Cristina: how do you know?

Owen: I saw it…

Cristina: she'd prefer me married with eight children…

Owen: you are still in time to do this… (he swallows and Cristina looks up at him. He is looking around)

Cristina: I had a miscarriage if that's what you want to ask… (he looks back at her) At the beginning of my relationship with Burke… we were together for a few months… we were not public. He broke up with me before knowing I was pregnant. When the chief told him he was in the mix to be the new chief… he left me… Sheperd was in the dark place because of his story with Meredith and he didn't want to risk the same. But I had an abortion, the kid wasn't inside the womb.

Owen: I'm sorry…

Cristina: don't be. I wouldn't have kept it anyway… I wasn't ready to be a mum… Burke or not Burke… I didn't want a kid… I'm not even sure I'd like to have them in the future. Do you? (Owen looks around and then at her)

Owen: I'd like to be a daddy sooner or later(Cristina rolls her eyes)

Cristina: come on…. Meredith and I picked up the only two men in the world who want commitment and children? Where are the guys who just want sex and fun?

Owen: I don't know… I can try to get you one if you want… (Cristina pulls him down by his collar)

Cristina: no… I'll keep you anyway (she kisses him) Just… this is the most romantic stuff I'll do and say…

Owen: It's good… even if you want more…

Cristina: no hope… Sheperd won't poison my mind anymore with his crap…

Owen: too bad… (he is laying next to her)

Cristina: I have to bring my mum to the airport. Do you wanna come?

Owen: but… she'll know about us

Cristina: I want her to know. That I'm screwing my attending again (she laughs but Owen is looking down on her, a serious look on his face) I'm sorry… It was a bad joke… I love you…

Owen: I love you too… (they kiss)

* * *

Tutcher: so… will you let me see Meredith?

Derek: that is a question I should have asked you…

Tutcher: I came in too late… You love her… Don't you?

Derek: more than my life…

Tutcher: she loves you too… I get that in her eyes when she talks about you. She has a spark in her eyes… the same spark her mother had when she talked about Webber…

Derek: Mr. Grey… I want to be clear with you… I know you had stuff with Richard in your past, you blame him for a lot of things and I'm not saying you're not right in doing it but… if you still have things to settle down with him… don't get Meredith in the mid. She likes Richard… and he likes her too… It was an important figure for her… it still is… even now… here at the hospital… I'm not in good terms with him myself but… Richard is close to Meredith and we don't have to try to change this.

Tutcher: I'm not going to do it… I blame Richard Webber to be one of the causes of the end of my marriage but… he was not the only one… and leaving Meredith… it was my mistake… and I'll never forgive myself for that…

Derek: what about your wife's death?

Tutcher: it was not Meredith's fault…

Derek: you slapped her… I… she… it took a lot time for her to go over that…

Tutcher: it took a lot of time to me to get that it wasn't her fault… It's… kind of what happened to you… That man was grieving… he could not stand his loss and he blamed you… he vented on you… I did that with Meredith and… you can't imagine how bad I felt about that… I started drinking again and again… What kind of father slaps his daughter?

Derek: I don't know … I think you're a good man Mr. Grey… I can see that… The way you talk… you're sensitive… but Meredith is my main concern. You asked me if I'll let you see her… It's not my choice here… I lost my father when I was a kid in the most painful way… I know what's like growing up without a reference… but instead of Meredith I had a caring mother and four sisters…

Tutcher: your mother has to be a really strong woman…

Derek: she is… and I'm kind of a saint for growing up with five women without going insane (Tutcher laughs)

Tutcher: you really are…

Derek: I won't prevent you seeing Meredith… If there's a chance she can have her father back… I'd do everything to help her and you too…

Tutcher: thank you

Derek: but if you hurt her in every way… again… I'd become your worst enemy…

Tutcher: I won't… I promise… I did enough damage to her… She is happy now… She has a husband who loves her the way she deserves… she is going to be a great mum…

Derek: she told you…

Tutcher: yeah… (he stands up and stretches his hand towards Derek. He shakes it). Thank you for what you did with her… You made her happy… She couldn't find better…

Derek: thank you

Tutcher: promise you'll take care of her

Derek: I will… (Tutcher leaves his room, Derek breaths in and out some times)

* * *

Mark is going out of the hospital. He sees Callie sitting in the bench right outside. He sits beside her.

Mark: hey…

Callie: hi… I'm scared to go home…

Mark: Did you and Robbins fight?

Callie: no… her mum is in town for a week. She is staying with us…

Mark: you don't like your mother in law?

Callie: no… she is great.. I mean… she is Arizona's mum… how could she not be?

Mark: she doesn't like you?

Callie: no… I think she does…

Mark: excuse me Torres but I don't get what's your problem here…

Callie: my problem is that I hate her. Her mum is happy she is lesbian and my parents don't call me for… how long? One month?

Mark: did you do?

Callie: what?

Mark: calling them…

Callie: no…

Mark: are you mad at them?

Callie: no… we made up

Mark: so why don't you call?

Callie: I don't know… I'm afraid they'll start to try to convince me again to back off…

Mark: and you want to?

Callie: no! What the hell, Mark… What are you trying to do?

Mark: just understand what is going on in your head… 'cause I swear… it's not that clear… (Callie breaths out). Do you need some clarificatory sex? (Callie rolls her eyes) Not with me! I'm involved!

Callie: and on sex starvation…

Mark: Lexie will regret this… She doesn't know yet… but she'll regret this…

Callie: what do you mean?

Mark: I'll blow her mind… I'll blow her mind so many times everybody we'll hear us… So, Torres, get rid of the perfect mum asap… I don't want to traumatize her…

Callie: you'll just give her one more reason to hate our home…

Mark: your home is nice…

Callie: not to non surgeons… They don't get how we live…

Mark: lost souls… they don't know the truth… Lighten her up… (Lexie comes and he stands up)

Lexie: hey…

Mark: home?

Lexie: home… (they leave, Mark puts an arm on her shoulder and turns back to look at Callie. He mimes a words: blow. Callie laughs and stands up leaving)

* * *

Sofia meets Richard on the catwalk.

Richard: Sofia… how did the day go?

Sofia: better from this evening… before it was… he was a mess…

Richard: he is going to be fine…

Sofia: I know… we talked… he talked…. (some tear rolls down her cheek, Richard puts his hand on her shoulder). Could I… watch that type? (Richard swallows)

Richard: I'll ask the police… Just take your time. You have a lot of things to digest…

Sofia: yes… I'm going to Meredith's. She offered me a room. Derek's happy as I'll keep her company…

Richard: it's good… She is a beautiful and extraordinary woman, Sofia. She and Derek… are perfect together…

Sofia: you didn't think that some time ago… (Richard gets serious) You thought he was just sleeping around…

Richard: I have never thought that about Derek… He is not that guy… But he didn't tell her he was married and I was afraid she could know it in the worst way. And she did. I've known Meredith Grey since she was a kid… she is not the kind of person who trusts anyone. And I knew that, if Derek had broken that trust, it'd have been difficult to gain it again.

Sofia: can I ask you why you called Addison here without telling him? (Richard looks around and then to the floor)

Richard: I was trying to protect Meredith

Sofia: bringing my son's traitorous wife back in his life?

Richard: I made a mistake… I didn't know then… but I promise I won't do that anymore…

Sofia: good… Derek told me you want him to go to rehab…

Richard: I think he needs to talk to someone…

Sofia: he's fine with it… He told me to inform you to arrange the sessions with Dr. Wyatt… is that her name?

Richard: yes… she'll do great…. (Richard sees Meredith coming closer). Meredith… (Sofia turns around)

Meredith: I'm ready to go (the two women leave together). Can I go to say hi to Derek?

Sofia: sure… let's go (they arrive in front of his door and go in)

Derek: here are my favorite girls… (Meredith comes closer the bed and kisses him) Not before my mum…

Sofia: I heard that…

Meredith: we're going home…

Derek: we?

Meredith: I offered your mum my free room (Derek looks at her surprised and gestures her to get closer)

Derek: my mum eats cookies in the morning… get rid of the condoms in the cookie jar

Sofia: I heard that too… (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: I've already you idiot… I'm pregnant… Why would I need condoms? It's too late…

Derek: you're right… (they kiss again and Derek talks in her ear) Just don't tell her you don't wear panties… She's my mum… (Meredith laughs) Where were you today? You didn't find the time to come and see your husband… (Derek notices she looks sad)

Meredith: I came by twice but you were busy and I didn't want to intrude…

Derek: did you see your father was here threatening me and you didn't come in?

Meredith: he was here?

Derek: yeah… I asked him the permission to date you but he said no… We have to go secret… (Meredith laughs)

Sofia: honey?

Derek: yeah?

Sofia: are you always so stupid or is just the morphine that makes you so brainless? I don't know how she can stand you…

Meredith: I don't know it either (her belly grumbles)

Sofia: let's go darling. You need to eat and my grand child needs it too… (Meredith kisses him again and goes to the door)

Derek: mum…

Sofia: yes?

Derek: don't tell her embarrassing stories about me…

Meredith: that's why I invited her in the first place (her cell rings and she goes out)

Derek: and don't tell her anything about today. I will, ok? (Sofia gets close to the bed and strokes his hair) I'm sorry I hurt you like this…

Sofia: you didn't…. I'm happy we talked… It's going to be fine… (she kisses him and then goes away)

* * *

**We all join the age of reason**

Cristina arrives in the hall with Owen. She meets her mum.

Cristina: mum… this is my boyfriend (Mrs. Yang smiles at Owen. He takes her luggage and they exit)

**The myths we had when we were kids seem to crumble when we grow up, when we are becoming parents ourselves or when we join the age we could be.**

(Callie gets home. Arizona and her mums are looking at old family types)

**Our heroes lose their armour, they become human. With all their defaults and weaknesses.**

(Tutcher is sitting at Joe's. Richard comes in and sits near him)

**Then, we can just close our eyes and try to get if they were more heroes in the past or if they are now, when they try to support us and accept us for what we have become.**

(Cristina hugs her mum at the airport, Owen shakes her hand)

**We will never be like our parents. And we will never be like they would have liked us to be.**

(Derek pulls out his dad's photo from his wallet. He looks at it)

**Let's learn to accept this… and we all will be heroes…**


	19. THE UNSAID

Sorry for the await... I'm late, I know. But writing is not that easy in this period. This fic will go on: I know where to stop it. So be patient and review.

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* * *

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**The unsaid**

**I have grown up all dark and twisty.**

**In this I had the best teacher ever… **

**Lying… keeping silent and secret…**

**We are afraid of feelings, we keep them buried as we are scared.**

* * *

Jennings exits Richard's office and meets Adele on his way. He gives her a smile and leaves. The woman enters the room.

Adele: Richard… (he is sitting at the desk)

Richard: Adele…. What a surprise… What are you doing here?

Adele: waiting for the Chief's speech. As everybody else. There's no other topic in the hospital. Bets are everywhere.

Richard: bets?

Adele: on what you are going to say… (she looks him) Is it something good?

Richard: it's something I had to do months ago.

Adele: you look nervous…

Richard: I am…

Adele: and you're all secret…

Richard: this is my last shot and… I don't want to miss it…

Adele: last shot? (someone knocks, Adele sees Richard diverting her eyes, Bailey comes in)

Bailey: Chief… (she gives a nod to Adele)…. You paged?

Richard: yes… I wanted to ask you to take Derek in the hall for my speech.

Bailey: excuse me?

Richard: you got it, Miranda…

Bailey: and how the hell am I supposed to do that? He is too weak to walk, he can't even stand…

Richard: on a wheel chair, maybe?

Bailey: with all due respect, Chief, I don't think he needs that right now. He is not fine and work can wait.

Richard: this can't… It has waited too long…

Bailey: chief…

Richard: do what I asked you to do (his voice is high and Bailey goes away without adding anything)

Adele: you were harsh… and rude. What's this Derek thing?

Richard: you'll see…

Adele: Richard…

Richard: I'm busy now (his eyes are low on the table, she goes away)

* * *

Derek is in his room with his mum.

Sofia: have I told you Amelia is coming here for some day?

Derek: no…

Sofia: she is… and I arranged a little surprise for you too…

Derek: surprise?

Sofia: yeah… you'll love it (she kisses him on the forehead. She sees he looks nervous). What's wrong Derek?

Derek: nothing

Sofia: your nothing means everything…

Derek: it's just I thought my recovery would have been quicker. It's been three weeks and I can't even stand. I hurt everywhere … Meredith needs me home and I have no clue when I'll be able to leave this damned room…

Sofia: I guess it'll be soon… Have you talked to her? (Derek shakes his head looking away). Honey…

Derek: I know, mum…. I need some time, ok?

Sofia: ok….

Derek: how is it going at Meredith's?

Sofia: good… there are people going in and out at every hour… naked guys in the shower…. Dirty underwear everywhere…. It's homey….

Derek: it's a mess… But Mer loves her roommates… And I got used to their presence myself…

Sofia: you plan to stay there for long?

Derek: I don't know… I've started to build our house in my land but… with Meredith… I need to be careful…. One step at a time…. With the baby coming… I'm afraid too many changes could freak her out…

Sofia: she looks different… from the last time ….

Derek: I guess it's this thing… She feels she has to be strong but…. I don't know (the door opens and Miranda comes in with a wheelchair)

Bailey: morning… How are you doing?

Derek: fine… (she gets closer with the chair)

Bailey: Mrs. Sheperd….

Sofia: yeah?

Bailey: you know your son is a unrepentant liar?

Sofia: I do…

Bailey: you're so good today that I've decided to let you make a trip around…

Derek: what do you mean?

Bailey: chief's speech… He wants you there…

Derek: I'm not in the mood to play Richard's doormat.

Bailey: come on, Sheperd (she lowers the bed side and stretches her hand. She helps Derek lifting. He is panting at the change of position)

Derek: give me a minute….

* * *

Meredith storms in the resident's lounge where the others, but Alex, are changing into their scrubs.

Meredith: I hate him! I hate him! (everybody turn to look at her)

Cristina: the idyll is already over? Again?

Meredith: I hate Alex!

Cristina: what did he do? Oh no…. Don't tell me he hit on Derek's mum…

Meredith: I had recommended him order, cleaning, discipline and what does he do?

Avery: what?

Meredith: he left his underwear around and Sofia….

Reed: Sofia?

Cristina: McMum…

Meredith: found his dirty boxer in the bathroom! She was certainly running down me this morning with Derek (she leans her head against the locker). It's over…. I'm done….

Cristina: you're over reacting… He didn't strip….

Meredith: I'm dark and twisty by now… Tell me something… to cheer me up…

Avery: my interview went horribly. You have free game to general…

Cristina: like she cared…

Meredith: I am serious guys… I'm screwed…

Cristina: it's better I go and find Alex before you then… Tell him you're after his blood… (Meredith goes out)

Reed: she's after everybody's blood… (she talks in a low voice)

Cristina: what?

Reed: she treats everybody like crap… From April to Karev to anyone…. I know she's stressed but it's not our fault (Cristina comes closer threateningly).

Cristina: I told you this once…. Don't you dare to talk about Kepner with me again… Or Meredith… (she leaves the room. With Meredith she goes towards the lobby)

* * *

Lexie and Mark are walking down the hallway. They get into the lobby to see it's overcrowded.

Mark: Webber wants it big…

Lexie: but why?

Mark: I don't know. But I don't like it… (he looks at her and smirks)

Lexie: what?

Mark: do you remember last time we were here for a chief's speech? (Lexie is thoughtful and then rolls her eyes)

Lexie: we had just broken up. And you ignored me.

Mark: now we are here together… (he kisses her on the lips)

Lexie: and happy…

Mark: we could be happier if you stopped this stupid sex strike…

Lexie: Mark Sloan… are you playing the romantic card to get laid?

Mark: no… but I'm suffering here… You should give me something… (she kisses him)

Lexie: I'll give you everything… (Mark smiles) but that (she turns around abruptly, Mark's smile falls and he breaths out)

* * *

Callie and Arizona join the others. Meredith and the other interns are standing together, Owen is close to Cristina, Lexie and Mark are there too. Bailey arrives pushing Derek's wheelchair. Meredith looks surprised to see him there.

Meredith: hey… what are you doing here?

Derek: chief's orders (Mark bends towards Bailey's ear)

Mark: what the hell is he doing here? He looks like he is going to pass out in seconds…

Bailey: the chief told me to bring him here…

Mark: do you think it's a good idea?

Bailey: no… (Miranda notices Richard is looking straight into Derek's eyes. Meredith sees that too)

Meredith: what's going on?

Derek: I think we are rendering of accounts

Meredith: what do you mean? (Richard clears his throat, everybody gets silent. He is in the mid of the stairs, some paper in his hands)

Richard: I want to thank you all for being here. I know you're busy, so I'll try to make this quick (Derek's face tenses as he recognizes his own speech) As you may have heard, I have been appointed the new interim chief of surgery (all the surgeons now get he's quoting Derek's speech and they look stunned)

Bailey: what the hell is he doing?

Callie: he is not doing what I think he's doing, right?

Owen: that would be mean…

Reed: revenge is a cold plate (Webber ignores the murmurs and go ahead)

Richard: It's my personal goal to make this transition as smooth as possible. I know we've had a rocky few months. Mistakes have been made (he talks looking directly at Derek. Derek starts to wheel away) I intend to right those wrongs, and, bring this hospital back to its former glory. Doctor Sheperd… (Derek stops and looks up, Webber swallows and keeps looking at him, all people now is looking at him and is whispering) I'm not done yet… Stay here (he looks to the crowd, Mark approaches Derek from behind)

Mark: you don't need to do that… Let's go…. (Derek stops the wheels with his hands)

Derek: I'm staying Mark… I'm not running away like a coward…

Richard: I want to thank you for your support in advance… (silence fills the room) You want to know what was the problem? Nobody supported Derek Sheperd … And I was the first not doing it…. It took me time to get it but… I'm doing things straight right now… (he swallows and sees Adele in the crowd, she is smiling at him). I didn't resign from Chief… Derek didn't steal my job… I threw it away… I had issues… alcoholism problems…

Cristina: what?

Meredith: shut up!

Richard: and I was too involved to understand I needed help… I lost my perspective, my ability and capability…. I was offered help several times but… like many people who have problems… I didn't know how bad it was. So I pushed Sheperd away many times and let him no choice than reporting me… Don't blame him… blame me… I definitely resigned from Chief last week (whispers become loud voices). As soon as he gets back on his feet, Derek Sheperd will be the new Chief of Surgery… It's why I brought him here from New York… he is the best candidate… he 's going to be one of the most brilliant chief Seattle Grace will ever see… (Richard's eyes meet Derek's, he is shaking his head). Don't try to say no Derek… not this time… You turned it down twice since you got here… you won't do it now… The new chief will assest the departments following his personal judgment… If he believes, I will stay here as general surgeon. It's all people… go back to work and…. even if I'm going to step down soon…. It doesn't mean I'll be softer in these few weeks… (people laugh and start to go away, someone pats Derek's shoulder but he simply stays there, a bewildered look on his face. Then he goes away without saying anything. Meredith makes a step to follow him but someone stops her. She turns around to see Richard holding her elbow. He gives her a nod and follows Derek)

* * *

The residents are walking down the corridor to the ER.

Cristina: is that true?

Meredith: what?

Cristina: Webber was drinking his ass off?

Meredith: kind of…

Cristina: did you know that?

Meredith: kind of… (Cristina rolls her eyes at her). At first I didn't think it was a problem. He told me it wasn't. Then it got worse. He told me not to tell Derek… he taught me surgical secrets…. I realized too late he just wanted my silence…

Alex: he tried to get rid of him…

Cristina: who?

Alex: Sheperd… he fired him…

Reed: what? When?

Alex: after the spinal cord surgery…

Meredith: Derek never told me anything…

Cristina: maybe he didn't want to drag you in the battle field…

Meredith: he didn't want me to pick Webber's side again…

Avery: what about the turning down twice Chief?

Meredith: I don't know anything…

Cristina: come on Mer… what's the perks of having the Chief's wife as my person if you know less than us?

Meredith: it's not that we talk always about work…

Alex: that I know, Mrs. Chief… (Meredith turns to look at him)

Meredith: I am not Miss Chief!

Alex: well technically you are… (she storms away) What….

Avery: you pissed her off…

Alex: I just told her the truth…

Avery: everything is going to be hard on her… She'll have to prove twice her skills now…

Cristina: it's not what's bothering her right now…

Avery: and what is then?

Cristina: Webber didn't let Sheperd any choice… Maybe they are not that happy about the chief thing with the baby coming… She is scared…

* * *

Meredith enters a closet. She sits on the floor breathing heavily, her mouth open. After some seconds the door opens and Meredith recognizes her father's face. He looks uncertain on what to do. He lingers there on the door just looking at her.

Thucher: are you fine? I saw you running in here and you looked upset…

Meredith: I'm fine…

Thucher: do you want me to call someone?

Meredith: I told you I'm fine (her voice is harsh)

Thucher: I leave you alone then (he turns around to leave the room. Meredith stops him)

Meredith: what did mum do wrong? (he turns around)

Thucher: excuse me?

Meredith: what was her mistake? (she wipes some tear away) Why was she a bad mum? Did you push her to have kids when she didn't want any?

Thucher: no…. (he leans against the wall, his look down) We wanted kids…. At first…. We wanted them… but nine months are a long time and…. her career changed… She felt hostage… she wanted to shine in the hospital…

Meredith: has she ever considered to abort me?

Thucher: no… I wouldn't have let her… I wanted a baby… What's this about? Did you fight with him?

Meredith: no… it's just Derek should become chief permanently…

Thucher: it's good… isn't it?

Meredith: yes…. No. He'll have to spend a lot of time at the hospital… I…. What if he turns out to love his work more than us like mum did? What if I'm an horrible mother?

Thucher: Meredith… Derek is a good man… I don't know him that much but it's clear he loves you more than his life. He'll never neglect you. And you're nothing like Ellis… You are here making questions… questioning yourself… Ellis was too arrogant to do that… That was her problem… She was sure she could do everything and she tried but… she ended up hating the daily life… Her happiness was in the OR, just there and… you're not like that…

Meredith: how do you know?

Thucher: I think the problem is not the job you do. It's like you do it. There are a lot of people with top careers… they have a family. The matter is to find a balance between family and work… To be ready to make sacrifices on both parts… The two of you are both doctors… surgeons… you can understand each other better than anyone else… your needs… your problems… There is a strict connection with the two of you, just like Ellis and…. him…. I was out of that game… I have just realized it too late (Meredith is wiping her tears away). What does Derek think?

Meredith: I don't know… It was so sudden and unexpected… I…

Thucher: you are freaking out Meredith… Don't do it if it's not necessary… (she stands up and goes to the door)

Meredith: thank you (she goes away, Thucher stays there, a little smile on his face)

* * *

The attending are in their lounge, sitting on the couch.

Callie: did you know that Webber was an alcoholic?

Owen: I had no idea…

Teddy: nobody could suspect that…

Arizona: now it's clear why he acted so senseless in the last months… He was a different person (Sloan is silent)

Callie: has Sheperd ever told anything to you about this?

Mark: no

Callie: come on Mark… you're his best friend… Do you want us to buy that you've never asked him why he went rogue with the chief?

Mark: I asked but he didn't tell me. He said that it was not my story to tell.

Owen: he was trying to do the right thing…

Callie: what do you mean?

Owen: they're friends, right?

Callie: I know they know each other for a long time. Mark?

Mark: Webber was Derek's mentor back in New York. He was some kind of father to him. But it changed. When Meredith Grey came in the mix, it changed.

Arizona: so… what's going to happen now?

Mark: what do you mean?

Callie: do you think Derek will keep Webber here?

Mark: of course… I'm not even sure he will take chief. But don't worry about that: he's going to be a daddy, the corniest daddy in the world. He will cover peds of bucks (Bailey enters the door)

Bailey: what the hell are you doing here?

Callie: talking about events…

Bailey: well… when you're done talking, there would be an hospital to run (some of them stand up). Have you seen Webber?

Mark: he went after Derek after the show (Bailey leaves)

* * *

Richard sees Derek wheeling in his room. He follows him and closes the door behind his back. Derek turns around, Webber notices an annoyed look on his face.

Richard: Derek… (Sheperd is pacing around the room on the wheelchair). I know you're mad at me…

Derek: leave me alone…

Richard: listen to me, please… You know me… I'm a proud, stubborn ass. I could not apologize to you and I found no other way than this… (Derek looks up at him stunned)

Derek: do you call this an apology, Richard? (both Adele and Bailey are outside the door, they share a worried look). You did it again

Richard: what?

Derek: you decided for me… You stuck your nose in my affairs, in our lives. Again…

Richard: I didn't…

Derek: you did! (his voice is really loud) Like you did constantly all over these three years…

Richard: Derek… please…. I know I made a lot of mistakes… But what I did today… it was not to harm you… or Meredith… On the contrary… You got all the blame in this thing and you didn't deserve it. I was the one to blame. I used the hospital for my aims, I failed my people. I used Meredith… Yeah… you were right… I used her… I didn't want you to know the truth and I tried to convince her it was no problem, that you worried too much. I guess I created problems in your relationship too… And I tried to get rid of you because, in here, you are the only one who really knows me, you are the only one who is not afraid to do the right thing and to pay for it. You give everything you have and it's much more I have left… I can't be chief anymore Derek… I lost the respect of my staff and it was my fault… You are ready and you wanted the position. What's the matter?

Derek: maybe I wanted this before a man nearly killed me with a knife… before knowing I'm going to have a family with Meredith… What if you were right? What if I can't do both things? I know what I want more: I want be a good husband and a father. And I don't want to scare my wife like this anymore…

Richard: you're there again…

Derek: I don't know what you're talking about (Richard comes closer)

Richard: look me in the eye and tell me you are not blaming yourself… (Derek's eyes are locked with Richard's. He stands up. They are so close their faces can almost touch)

Derek: Who should I blame? You?

Richard: you should… I had to be in that elevator, not you. I had to tell Mr. Clark we had to pull his wife off the ventilator, not you. You did this things because you were responsible of me. Because, after thirty years of career, I turned myself in a student who needed to pee in a cup every morning and needed a tutor. That's on me. Nobody would have done that for me. You did (some tear rolls down Derek's eyes). Do you have a small idea of how I felt when I understood it was you in that elevator? (he puts his hands on Derek's cheeks) I was petrified. You were still… covered in your own blood and I couldn't breathe… And then you squeezed my hand… And I had flashes on the first day I met you… of all the moments we shared together… of all the things I did to you and I couldn't believe I did the half of them… I'm not going to ask you if you know how you feel when you see someone you love dying as I know you do better than me… but it's what I thought… I thought you were dying and I could do anything… (Webber swallows) You say you could forgive him but I won't… I won't Derek…. because it was my son he was torturing in there (Derek breaths out and Richard hugs him)

Bailey: finally…

Adele: finally (they linger there looking inside when Miranda notices Derek swinging on his legs. She goes in and Adele follows her)

Bailey: sorry to interrupt you… but he's going to collapse if he doesn't lay stat… (Richard breaks the embrace and realizes how pale is Derek)

Richard: come on… lay down… (they make a first step but Derek swings and Richard catches him, he puts his arm around his waist for support) Lean on me…

Derek: I can walk… and you're too old to carry me around… (he winces and leans heavily on Richard. He finally gets to the bed and lays down. He is panting)

Richard: tomorrow we'll take you down for a new CT. You need to rest now.

Derek: do you know where Meredith is?

Bailey: I saw her with the other residents. I'll go to look for her (she leaves the room)

Richard: I come too… See you later (they leave. Adele sits near Derek's bed, a smile curls her lips)

Derek: did you give him an ultimatum?

Adele: about what?

Derek: about this thing… something like: if you don't make up with Derek I won't talk to you forever…

Adele: do you think I'm that kind of woman? (Derek looks up at her, she looks offended but he giggles)

* * *

Bailey arrives in the ER where the residents are waiting to be assigned for the day.

Bailey: well… (she looks at a chart) Karev, you're with Sloan. Yang with Hunt, Avery with Webber, Reed with Altman, Grey you're with me (all the guys go away, Meredith stands near Bailey who is writing some note). Come to find me in room n. 3543 in half an hour.

Meredith: oh… (surprise paints her face)

Bailey: Derek wants to see you now (she looks up to see Meredith looking down). Are there problems?

Meredith: no

Bailey: Webber and Derek just talked to each others. They are fine. He is in his room, the morning was really tiring on him. Go to see him (Meredith seems frozen). Meredith (she looks absent and Bailey takes her arm and brings her in a visit room) What's wrong? You look upset…

Meredith: I'm scared…

Bailey: why? It's going to be a long path but Derek is going to be fine…

Meredith: I know… and till this morning I couldn't wait for him to come back home and come back to work but now… I'm afraid… This chief thing…

Bailey: Grey… slow down, ok? Derek is a grown up man. He knows what he can do and what he can't. His family is the most important thing. You are the most important thing. Go and talk to him (Meredith breaths out). Ok… this thing… is not working. You can't be mad at him. This was not his choice. Tell him and he will turn it down for the third time. Why do you think he turned it down the first?

Meredith: I didn't know he was offered the position when the chief wanted to retire

Bailey: well… he was…. Kind of…. I don't know the story but I know the chief didn't want to give him the job because he was with you. And he chose you Meredith. He'd do that all over again. Trust him… Let's go (she gestures towards the door and they both go out)

* * *

Cristina joins Owen in the ambulance bay.

Cristina: hey… what have we got?

Owen: a bricklayer fell from a scaffolding. He should be here in five minutes (he looks at the bottom of the road, Cristina looks at him)

Cristina: so…. How is the general mood?

Owen: about what?

Cristina: about the Chief's outing… Did you know that?

Owen: no… Sheperd told nothing to anyone… I had a suspect it could be something like that but… we knew what you did know…

Cristina: and what do you plan to do?

Owen: what do you mean?

Cristina: are you going to accept this change?

Owen: we don't have voice in this Cristina. And you either. Webber made a choice, the board took its choice. We will follow it. Sheperd is going to be a good chief.

Cristina: he can't be chief

Owen: what are you talking about?

Cristina: he… (the ambulance stops right in front of them and Owen silences her. The paramedic jumps down)

Paramedic: male, 33. He fell from a scaffolding. Trauma to the chest. He has some broken bone but is breathing on his own.

Owen: ok… thank you (the ambulance leaves and they wheel him inside) Sir… can you hear me?

Man: clear and distinct.

Cristina: what's your name?

Man: Philippe.

Owen: do you remember what happened?

Man: that son of a bitch pushed me down…

Cristina: excuse me?

Man: Wayne… he pushed me down… (Cristina and Owen share a look)

Owen: ok… we'll talk about this later (he touches his chest). We need to run a CT and some scans. Let's go.

* * *

Avery and Webber are scrubbing in. Avery seems embarrassed, Webber is singing without looking at him.

Webber: so… I read your form… You applied in general…

Avery: yes sir…

Webber: I guess your grandfather won't be that happy about it…

Avery: he is never happy about anything so… no problem… (they enter the OR, nurses and staff were talking but silence fills the room as soon as the two surgeons enter. Richard realizes that and breaths out)

Webber: Gary (he makes a gesture towards the gas man to say hi)… Are we ready?

Nurse: yes chief…

Webber: scalpel please (the nurse handles him the tool and he makes the first incision). So… who was your teacher in Mercy West?

Avery: Dr. Kieran…

Webber: oh… I know him… Bad temper, arrogant and too worldly

Avery: I'm happy to see someone realizes that too. He was more oriented to parties and brunches. We never cared about me till he got I was Harper Avery's grandson. Then I became his favorite student.

Webber: I know the kind… They don't like teaching… Do you kn**o**w what I think?

Avery: no sir…

Webber: a good doctor is also a good teacher. If you're not a good teacher, finally you're not a good doctor. I've met a lot of great surgeons. All of them were good teachers. Burke, Bailey, Sheperd… Each one has his own methods but…. Finally… each student long to work with them…

Avery: have you always worked here sir?

Webber: more or less… I have just stayed six years in New York… I had to leave Seattle for a while and I went in the big apple. It's where I met Sheperd and Addison…

Avery: they were your students?

Webber: yeah… And I was one of the most cruel teacher. I'm surprised myself my students still talk to me. I was a hummer, never gave them a praise. Not that I'm that different now…

Avery: but your results… were great… I mean they are two of the most renown surgeons in the country… I'd love to have a teacher like you…

Webber: maybe you'll have…

* * *

Lexie is taking a drink at the machine, Mark arrives behind her back and kisses her cheek.

Mark: hey, beautiful…

Lexie: Mark…. What are you doing here?

Mark: uhm… kissing my girlfriend? And you?

Lexie: trying to calm down… I'm still so excited…

Mark: I arrived at the right moment then (he tries to kiss her neck but she pushes him away)

Lexie: not that kind of excitement! Can you let it fall, please?

Mark: I will when you will… What are you excited about then?

Lexie: about the bomb, what else? About Webber being drunk, about Derek becoming chief… Do you believe that? My brother in law is the chief of surgery, your brother is the chief of surgery… Will I have to behave differently now? I mean… at work we must be professional but… he is my brother in law, I caught him having sex on the counter in the kitchen… he saw me naked…

Mark: hey… hey…. Slow down… What about this story?

Lexie: what?

Mark: Derek saw you naked? (Mark is stunned)

Lexie: it was an accident!

Mark: he saw Little Grey?

Lexie: I'm Little Grey!

Mark: he saw the Little Grey he forbade me to enter?

Lexie: what are you talking about?

Mark: don't you change the subject! He gave me lectures and then he saw you naked?

Lexie: Mark…

Mark: I'll kill him… (he leaves Lexie and walks away. He meets Alex on his way)

Alex: Dr. Sloan… (Sloan goes ahead without giving him a look, without giving sign to have seen him. Alex is surprised and approaches Lexie who is hiding her face) Hey… how did you piss him off like that?

Lexie: I told him Derek saw me naked…

Alex: what? When?

Lexie: one morning I was waiting for you in your bed… all sexy… you weren't coming and I undressed waiting for you. He came in asking if you needed a lift… It was the most humiliating thing in my life… Meredith got so mad…

Alex: not as much as him…

Lexie: he won't do anything stupid, will he? (he shrugs and Lexie follows Mark too)

* * *

Meredith enters Derek's room to find him alone, in his bed. He seems asleep and she sits on his bed. She strokes his hand.

Derek: hey… who are you? A weirdo who watches helpless men sleep? (he talks without opening his eyes and Meredith smiles)

Meredith: you know… stalking victims can turn into stalkers themselves… And you are so cute when you sleep… and peaceful…

Derek: that's because I don't snore

Meredith: really funny… you wanted to see me?

Derek: I just wanted to know if you were fine… (he takes her hand and notices a sad expression). Mer…

Meredith: no… I'm not. I feel like I missed a lot of things and… I… (she looks around)

Derek: what things?

Meredith: why the chief said you turned down the job twice? Is it true? (he nods) When? Why I don't know anything? (she seems upset)

Derek: Mer… slow down….

Meredith: don't …. You don't need to do this. If you don't feel to tell me things about your job maybe…. (he lifts up sitting, wincing at the sudden change of position)

Derek: don't say this… I want to tell you everything…

Meredith: but you don't….

Derek: the first time I refused the job it was Cristina's wedding day. Richard chose me but… I didn't feel ready and he still wanted his job… And I wanted to be with you… But you broke up with me that day… and I have never had the chance to tell you…

Meredith: what about the second…

Derek: it's complicated…

Meredith: I bet I can get it…

Derek: Jennings offered me the job. The wanted to cut Richard and… I took time to think about it and I told him… He proposed the merger and they kept him… I wanted the job Meredith… but I wanted the change to be clear and fair… I hope you believe me now…

Meredith: why didn't you tell me before?

Derek: I wanted but… you love Richard… we were fighting and I didn't want you to take a position or have problems because of me…

Meredith: do you think I' have taken his part had I known all the story? Or if you had told me he tried to fire you?

Derek: Mer… it's what I don't want. I can take care of myself. You work here too and I don't want to interfere in your path or creating you problems because I'm fighting with the chief or with some fellow attending. I love you, you're my wife but I don't want this to be a problem for you here. I've never given you advantages and I don't want to give you handicaps.

Meredith: I'll go to change my form then… (she stands up and walks to the door)

Derek: what do you mean? (she doesn't stop) Meredith… (he tries to follow her but she is walking down the corridor. He enters his room and slides against the wall, sitting on the floor)

* * *

Owen and Cristina are in surgery.

Owen: I need to repair the laceration to the liver…

Cristina: do you want me to clamp?

Owen: thank you… (he breaths out)

Cristina: what?

Owen: nothing… I was just thinking of what he said… about the accident…

Cristina: that he was pushed down? Maybe he was just in shock…

Owen: you can't misread if someone wants to kill you or not…

Cristina: we'll see it later then… (silence fills the room. Cristina looks up at Owen who is working on the patient) Ok… are you mad at me? Because you've not talked to me after I said that thing in the ambulance bay…

Owen: not now

Cristina: why? People is talking about this all over around… I want to know what you think…

Owen: you don't care what I think. You want to be sure I think the same you do. But I don't. They can handle their relationship perfectly, they don't need us to hover or force them doing choices. They can be together and co workers. They have been doing this for years and they did it good. They do it good.

Cristina: that's not the point

Owen: what is it then?

Cristina: She can carry all this on her own… She is afraid. Her world collapsed because of work, her family… It's human she is afraid this can happen to her too…

Owen: it is… But you know it won't happen… You need to give her faith Cristina, not to follow her in the dark and twisty place. Family is the top list thing… there's nothing that counts more than this… If it was on me, I'd do the same. We're surgeons, we're ambitious, we always want more. That doesn't mean we have to let family behind.

Cristina: I'm not sure I could do that.

Owen: because you can't it doesn't imply others can't either.

Cristina: is this thing about me now?

Owen: no. Don't get it to be

* * *

Lexie has been looking for Mark in all corridors and rooms without finding him. She storms in front of Derek's room.

Richard: Dr. Grey! (he gets closer). Do you need anything?

Lexie: I was looking for Dr. Sloan and I…. thought he might be in there (she looks nervous)

Richard: is there some problem?

Lexie: I… don't know. He was really pissed and I just wanted to take a look…

Richard: Dr. Grey… try to explain yourself…

Lexie: Dr. Sloan was mad at Dr. Sheperd for personal reasons and… I just wanted to check on them (Richard opens the door and is surprised to see the bed is empty. He looks around quickly to find Derek sitting on the floor in the same spot he was after Meredith left)

Richard: Derek… (also Lexie enters)

Lexie: oh my God… (they get closer) I'm sorry… (Richard silences her with a look)

Richard: what happened?

Derek: I'm too tired to stand up and go back to bed…

Lexie: it was Mark, wasn't he? (Derek looks at her surprised) Oh my God…. Don't tell me he hit you…I didn't mean to tell him… And I didn't think he'd go so mad but… how could he do something like that to you?

Mark: do what? (Mark has just entered the door and is looking down to Derek, Lexie is staring at him with wide eyes)

Lexie: you didn't hurt him?

Mark: no! What the hell are you talking about? And why is he on the ground? (Lexie just smiles at him and hugs him)

Lexie: I'm so proud of you… I was so scared… I was sure you could freak out

Richard: ok… I don't know what the hell is going on between the two of you but give it a cut. Dr. Grey… pull yourself together… And Sloan… help me to lift him up (Lexie and Mark part, Mark puts an arm around Derek's shoulders and helps him standing. He practically lifts him in one go)

Derek: hold me a little tighter… I have two more ribs to break… (he is panting)

Mark: Sorry… let's go to bed

Derek: no… I have to go find Meredith… We had a fight and… I need to talk to her…

Richard: you can't go anywhere like this…

Lexie: I'll go find her (she storms out. Derek sits on his bed)

Derek: I need to go home, Richard

Richard: excuse me?

Derek: I need to go home… I can't do this anymore… I need time with Meredith and I can't have it till I'm here…

Richard: you are too weak to go home. You know that. I'm sure you'll clear things out, Derek. Just rest (he leaves the room leaving Mark and Derek alone)

* * *

Meredith is sitting on the couch of Dr. Wyatt's office. She is fidgeting with her clock. Dr. Wyatt opens the door and a frown appears on her face when she notices Meredith there.

Wyatt: Dr. Grey…

Meredith: I screwed everything up

Wyatt: you keep saying that (she sits behind her desk and starts to write some note) What did you do this time?

Meredith: I broke my vows… The post it vows….

Wyatt: so it's real… this post it thing… (she looks thoughtful) Did you cheat?

,Meredith: excuse me?

Wyatt: did you cheat on your husband?

Meredith: of course not

Wyatt: so what's the matter now? Is it something so bad you can't discuss with your husband?

Meredith: I can't discuss… My problem is that I can't discuss with anyone. I overreact… and I put wrong on people… I think my life is a told story and…. (she is crying)

Wyatt: what do you mean when you say a told story? Are you still thinking at your mum? (she nods without saying anything) I thought we were over this

Meredith: I thought that too… but…. (she breaths out)

Wyatt: I couldn't do this… (she stands up and sits near Meredith)

Meredith: I'm sorry?

Wyatt: I couldn't do what I'm going to do… But… maybe you already know it…

Meredith: what?

Wyatt: Derek is going to be my patient.

Meredith: I know that

Wyatt: we're starting tomorrow

Meredith: oh…

Wyatt: he asked me if you could come too (Meredith is looking straight into Dr. Wyatt's eyes). This has been a tough experience, for the both of you. And you need to share it. But you love each other, Meredith. This is the only thing I've always been sure about you. You had a difficult life and you faced it for Derek, to be with him. And he nearly died. And all he can think about is you. He is worried about you. He is scared to reveal you what happened. This is love, Meredith. So I don't know what happened to upset you like this, but I'm sure it's nothing you can't come back from.

Meredith: it's a work thing…

Wyatt: has it something to do with Webber announcing Derek's succession?

Meredith: kind of…

Wyatt: he told things you didn't know?

Meredith: are you a wizard?

Wyatt: better…. a shrink… Life is a mess, Meredith. You know that. Don't look behind. Look ahead. I guess Derek is looking for you everywhere. Go find him. Go talk to him. And we'll meet tomorrow (Meredith stands up and leaves)

* * *

Cristina arrives in the resident's lounge. She finds Alex there.

Alex: hey

Cristina: have you seen Meredith?

Alex: Not since this morning. But I heard about her… nurses are excited. Their McDreamy is getting the power… Morons…. (Cristina closes her locker violently) What are you, jealous?

Cristina: no. But am I the only one who is worried about Meredith here?

Alex: I'm a little bit too. Sloan is going to kill Sheperd

Cristina: why?

Alex: apparently he saw Lexie's private parts… Not what you think but… Sloan wanted his blood….

Cristina: this is just perfect… (she runs a hand through her hair and then pulls Alex form an elbow) Let's go

Alex: where? What? (she drags him out of the lounge through the corridors till they get out of Derek's room. They find Sloan and Lexie there pacing)

Cristina: what did you do to him? (she approaches Mark annoyed)

Mark: are you talking to me, Dr. Yang?

Cristina: I'm not Dr. Yang, here. I'm the girl who is turning you into pulp if you laid a hand on Meredith's guy

Mark: Meredith's guy has a name.

Cristina: I don't care. I just care because he is Meredith's husband. He was not, you could kill him right now.

Mark: really nice… (Lexie arrives between the two of them). For a moment I thought you had become Derek's fan yourself…

Lexie: Dr. Yang…

Cristina: shut up, two. I'm not talking to you. And it was your VIRTU' that caused all this (Alex bends towards Alex's ear)

Alex: I told her…

Lexie: thank you so much, Alex

Cristina: so what, Sloan? Man's whore is jealous now?

Mark: you are bad cheap wine… you know that?

Cristina: just because I turned you down?

Lexie: you what? (she slaps Mark's arm) Were you hitting on her?

Mark: Derek asked me but it was the worst idea ever…

Alex: I would have liked to see that…

Mark: she was a pain in the ass…

Cristina: you so wanted to know me (Bailey arrives with Meredith, they are surprised to see all this people standing outside the door)

Bailey: what's going on here?

Alex: fighting on Lexie's virtue

Lexie: they are not fighting on my…

Meredith: vagina…. I said you were going to be in trouble …

Cristina: yeah… we told you….

Bailey: okay… We are done talking about Grey's…. thing. Don't you have anything else to do? Move!

Mark: I wanted to know if he was fine

Meredith: why shouldn't he be?

Lexie: he had a kind of collapse before…

Meredith: what? (she storms in the room, Bailey looks at her annoyed)

Bailey: you thought with your vagina right now (she enters the room too, Cristina is laughing)

Meredith approaches Derek's bed.

Meredith: Derek… (he immediately tries to lift up but Richard stops him)

Richard: lay down… You can talk laying flat… We wait out (he goes towards the door and Bailey goes with him)

Meredith: are you ok?

Derek: I'm sorry…

Meredith: no, I'm. I overreacted (Derek tries to talk but she silences him). I love you (she kisses him)

Derek: made up?

Meredith: made up… (Derek strokes her cheek)

Derek: Mer… I'm going to Dr. Wyatt tomorrow

Meredith: oh

Derek: I asked her if you could come too…

Meredith: it's not necessary, you know that? (Derek seems deceived) I don't mean I don't want to come 'cause I want to. You just don't have… if you are not ready. I can wait.

Derek: but I can't. Today I realized there are too many things I didn't tell you. And I'm not sure I could be able to tell you if I wait. It's not easy for me. I want you to remember this if I behaved like an ass to you during the sessions.

Meredith: you are worrying me…

Derek: I know (tears pool at the corners of his eyes). I'd like to change things but I can't… I'll give you worries and… (Meredith kisses him, their lips are still sticked when the door opens to reveal Sofia)

Sofia: sorry (they part)… Bad timing

Meredith: no… And he had enough cuddles today.

Sofia: oh… so I have to delay my surprise (there are noises and loud voices in the corridor)

Derek: surprise?

Sofia: the cheer up committee… Can I let it in? (Derek looks Meredith and she shrugs. He nods and Sofia gestures someone to go in. Voices become screams and four little boys run into the room and towards the bed)

Derek: oh my…

Meredith: God (she stands up to avoid the boys who are jumping on Derek's bed to kiss him)

Sofia: slow down, guys! What did I tell you?

Boy: uncle Derek is sick and we need to be gentle (he kisses Derek's cheek). Was this delicate enough, Utty?

Derek: perfect (Derek's eyes are watery, he stares at his nephews patting their heads)

Sofia: so… my committee…

Derek: the best ever (she sits on the bed)

Sofia: they couldn't wait to see their favorite uncle

Derek: it was a long time… (Meredith gets closer and takes Derek's hand. The boys look at her curiously)

Meredith: I have to go now. See you later?

Meredith: ok (they kiss again)

Boy: pfuaa… Girls… (Derek giggles)

Derek: this is the last time you'll despise kissing girls, Ben.

Ben: I will never kiss one

Derek: You don't know what you lose

Ben: wet troubles (Meredith smiles looking at Derek)

Derek: what?

Meredith: are you sure you're their uncle?

Derek: let them be here two days and they'll be all for kissing…

Meredith: don't teach them too good (she goes out smiling. She finds everybody out waiting for her)

Cristina: so? Do I have to kill someone? (Lexie rolls her eyes)

Meredith: no… he's fine (she turns to Lexie) What about your honor? (she laughs)

Lexie: can you stop joking on this and tell him it was a stupid accident? (Meredith gives her a smile and turns to Mark)

Meredith: it was an accident. She was naked and prurient in the bed and Derek went in. But you don't need to get mad too much. Twenty minutes later Derek found you with your pants down with a drug rep (she lowers her voice while Mark covers his mouth).

Lexie: what?

Meredith: only it's too late for your honor (she giggles) Good night (she goes away. Alex is trying to control laughter. Bailey's face is a mask)

Bailey: your heart lives in your penis. Good couple (she goes away, Lexie hides her face and Mark bursts out laughing)

Lexie: do you find this funny? (she goes away)

* * *

Richard enters his office to find Adele there.

Adele: you're a difficult man to corner

Richard: I was… busy

Adele: yeah… You've been busy for the last thirty years. I should know the turn of events by now

Richard: Adele…

Adele: it's fine. That's what you are… maybe that's one of the reasons I fell for you in the first place. So… now everything is fine I can go home (she takes her bag)

Richard: I'm sorry

Adele: excuse me?

Richard: I ruined your life.

Adele: Richard

Richard: you didn't deserve what I did to you. I ruined your life.

Adele: maybe you did mistakes… You did mistakes… But I did too. I tried to change you. It wasn't fair. She just understood more than I did. You were the two sides of the same coin.

Richard: we weren't. I didn't leave you because I felt guilty. I didn't because you are the only woman I've ever loved. I had some kind of obsession for Ellis but… I loved you. I still love you. I'm sorry (Adele smiles at him and turns around to leave. She arrives at the door and looks back at him)

Adele: so? (a frown appears on Richard's forehead) You don't come?

Richard: excuse me?

Adele: why do you think I've been waiting for you the whole day if not to bring you back home with me? Move (she goes out)

* * *

**Fear… is a powerful stop to our expression.**

**But it's not the only one…**

**Pride is … and men are its owners**

**Lucky them women sometimes come in help and pull them out of troubles**


	20. THE BEST OF US

I'm back. Sorry for the await guys. I was on holiday with my husband and son and I couldn't write (unless I wanted to divorce).

My fiction is close to be over, I know where I want to go, I haven't decided how many chapters left.

This episode is focused on Meredith and Derek, on their first session. A lot of things are revealed. In the real GA it'd take two years to know all these things...

But I like to hit the target.

I waiut for your reviews.

Bye

* * *

**The best of us**

_In our life we build expectations._

_We draw lines and put people in them._

_So there are the dark and twisty girls, the insensitive guys, and the princes in shining… whatever._

_But the truth can be so different… as life draws the real lines._

_And models people with its darts_

* * *

(Meredith arrives In Derek's room to find it empty, she breaths out and runs towards Dr. Wyatt's office, she knocks and goes in finding Derek laying on her couch, Dr. Wyatt behind her desk)

Meredith: hey… I'm late

Dr. Wyatt: we haven't started yet (Meredith notices Derek is rubbing his temples, avoiding her glare, she gets closer)

Meredith: hey… I went to your room…

Derek: sorry… I came here earlier than expected (he gives her a smile, Meredith notices he seems uncertain, almost scared)

Meredith: 're you ok?

Derek: yeah… I love you…

Meredith: I do too (Dr. Wyatt coughs to get their attention)

Dr. Wyatt: we can get started if you're ready

Meredith: sure (she goes sitting in one of the chairs opposite to the couch. Derek breaths out)

Dr. Wyatt: let's point out some rules, ok?

Derek: there are rules? (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: she likes rules…

Dr. Wyatt: I do. Usually I don't allow relatives to my sessions. But Derek asked me to let you in. I said ok but this can change (Derek looks at her surprised). First rule: you don't get to talk if I don't give you the permission (she talks to Meredith), second rule: you choose where to start, I won't force you in any direction, third rule: when I ask, you answer. Do you think you can do this?

Derek: I can try

Dr. Wyatt: ok then… let's go (Derek looks away massaging his temples, he breaths out and tries to speak sometimes but always stops. After a couple of minutes of silence, Meredith shares a look with Dr. Wyatt who nods)

Meredith: Derek… you said you could do it…

Derek: I just don't know where to start, Meredith. That's all.

Meredith: the end is often the right spot… (he is silent) I'm a doctor. I'm trained to handle…

Derek: it's different…

Meredith: what?

Derek: it's different to treat a patient with a bullet or a knife wound and to see someone…. (he stops talking letting his hands fall on the couch)

Meredith: why do you tell me that? (their eyes meet for a moment and Derek looks away, Dr. Wyatt gestures Meredith to wait)

* * *

Teddy comes out from the elevator and goes towards the attending lounge. She stops in her tracks when she hears a woman talking at the nurses station. The voice sounds familiar. She turns back and a smile paints her face. She gets closer.

Woman: where can I wait for him? (Teddy is behind her back)

Teddy: why not in the cafeteria drinking a coffee with me? (the woman turns around, a wide smile on her face too. They hug)

Woman: Teddy…. I'm so glad to see you… I didn't know you worked here too… Owen didn't tell me… (they part)

Teddy: you know how he is… all secret… I find you well, Sandra

Sandra: I am since the two of you decided to come back to civility (she turns to the nurse who is looking curiously at them). Thank you madam… I'll stay with Teddy till my son will show up (she takes her bag and Teddy gestures her to walk to the cafeteria)

Teddy: does Owen know you're here?

Sandra: he should. I threatened him I'd have come if he didn't come home to see me. He lives five miles from home and never comes to visit me. So I came here to check on him.

Teddy: he is fine… don't worry

Sandra: is he? Really? I mean… when he came he seemed so different…

Teddy: war changes people, Sandra. But he is good now. You'll see on your own.

Sandra: are the two of you… (Teddy looks away, the woman sees a shadow of sadness in her eyes) I'm sorry…

Teddy: about what?

Sandra: I'm your supporter

Teddy: what?

Sandra: I've always thought that you and Owen… would have… you know… sooner or later… I intrude too much… I know. But you'd be perfect for him.

Teddy: he doesn't think the same. That's it. And I'm going on with my life like he's doing with his. He has a girlfriend. You'll like her (they enter the elevator)

* * *

Cristina, Alex, Avery and Reed are in the resident locker room. They are changing into their scrubs.

Reed: so… is it for today?

Avery: it seems so…

Alex: what?

Reed: the attending meeting to decide our specialties (Cristina is silent)

Alex: is that true? (he asks Cristina)

Cristina: I don't know…

Reed: seriously? You want to tell us that you and your best friend don't know anything?

Cristina: right… You got that…. (Reed rolls her eyes, Avery turns to his locker)

Alex: where's Meredith? She left early this morning….

Cristina: I think Derek had his first session this morning… He asked her to go…

Alex: do you think he is going to tell her about… (he remembers Avery and Reed are still there and stops mid sentence)

Cristina: I'm afraid he will… It will become common knowledge in a while (the two Mercy Westers are looking at them curious). It's nothing about your specialty, you can relax…

Avery: hey… why can't we just stop bickering about that? It's boring. You say you know nothing and I trust you… and as regards Sheperd… there are a lot of rumors in the hospital…

Alex: what kind of rumors?

Avery: about a tape… (she talks shyly)

Cristina: that's perfect… Where did you hear this?

Avery: nurses…

Alex: the best gossipers in the world

Reed: oh my God… is that true? (Cristina closes her locker)

Cristina: don't say anything to Meredith please (she goes towards the exit)

Avery: is it true? (April enters the room)

April: what?

Cristina: ask your friend… Hasn't he given you a copy yet? (she pushes her aside and goes out)

* * *

Richard is in his office. Bailey knocks and comes in.

Bailey: chief… you paged?

Richard: yes. I just wanted to confirm you the meeting is for tonight, 18.00, at Sheperd's room.

Bailey: funny place

Richard: the only possible… Everything is ready, all the attendings are free from surgeries, I have the forms. It won't be long I guess.

Bailey: good… boring stuff (she turns around to leave when Mark storms in the room without knocking. He goes in front of Webber's desk, Richard is looking at him stunned)

Richard: can I do something for you, Dr. Sloan?

Bailey: teaching you good manners maybe?

Mark: is that true? (he has a really annoyed face and voice)

Richard: what?

Mark: don't play with me, Webber. I was drinking a coffee and overheard two nurses talking about a video taken in the elevator. Starring Derek being stabbed almost to death (Bailey looks at Webber stunned and Richard breaths out). I won't ask you again… Is that true?

Richard: it is. But I don't understand how it went public.

Bailey: walls have ears here…

Richard: only a few people know it. None of them would have said anything.

Mark: that's not the point. The point is that you said anything to me. I could have helped and I had to know this thing from two stupid nurses!

Bailey: calm down, Sloan. If Derek wanted to tell you, he'd have. But he didn't. Does that suggest you anything?

Mark: if you want to say something to me, Bailey, say it. Don't drive in circles.

Bailey: maybe you know nothing because Derek didn't want you to know. He is having a bad time right now. Even for this and for what is waiting for him.

Mark: that's why I could have helped!

Bailey: how? Saying you knocked up someone else he knows? Maybe one of his sisters? You were ready to fight with him for your girlfriend two days ago… He doesn't need this. So search your soul and go to hell (Mark leaves the room slamming the door. Richard looks at Bailey half smiling). What? (she leaves as well)

* * *

In Dr. Wyatt's office Derek is still silent.

Meredith: ok… There were rules, you remember? She isn't going to ask you anything…

Dr. Wyatt: Dr. Grey…

Meredith: but I'll do it. Has this something to do with my drowning? (Dr. Wyatt looks at Meredith but Derek keeps looking in front of him)

Derek: it has something to do with the worst day of my life…

Meredith: we haven't talked about it. Really. We were not talking that much about things then… because of me (Derek breaths out). I'm sorry for what happened that day…

Derek: I'm not talking about that Meredith…

Meredith: oh…. (she looks surprised)

Derek: that's the second worst day of my life…

Meredith: I can't imagine what happened in that elevator, Derek. But…

Derek: I'm not talking about that either.

Dr. Wyatt: ok… about what then? I know I promised not to make questions but you seem to be a little confused… You need to be clear, Derek… And these events you are talking about… I don't know but I have the feeling they are somehow connected… So… Take a minute if you need it but… talk to us…. You are not doing good to any of you… (he swallows)

Derek: I'm talking about the day my dad died…

Meredith: what… (Dr. Wyatt silences her with one look)

Dr. Wyatt: talk to me about that day… How old were you?

Derek: I was 19… It was Thanksgiving day… My dad had a shop, food shop, and it was open. My mum was mad because she wanted him home the whole day but he had never accepted to close the shop that morning. He said people always forgot something and he wanted to be there to help them… He didn't need to work… but he liked his life… he said he was close to people…. But…

Dr. Wyatt: what happened?

Derek: he was going to close when two guys went in for a robbery… They wanted his watch… they shot him…. (his breath is hollow, his look is wandering in the office without settling anywhere, he's sweating)

Dr. Wyatt: how do you know that? (Meredith looks at the doctor, a puzzled look on her face. But then she looks at Derek and sees all color drained away from his face. She starts to feel unease). Derek… how…

Derek: I was there (Meredith shakes her head). My sister and I…. we were there…

Dr. Wyatt: can you… (he breaths out)

Derek: we went to the shop to help him packing some stuff. We were putting boxes in the car. I heard him saying hi to some people… it was five minutes after the closing time… We went back in…. As I entered someone knocked me down…

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: I tried to stand but someone was holding me down… I heard my sister crying and I saw one of those guys pointing a gun at my dad's head… He had already taken the money… He asked him his watch and when he said no… he shot him in the chest… He took the watch from his wrist and they ran away… We tried to do something but… (some tear is wetting his cheeks). He died before the ambulance got in… I….

Dr. Wyatt: do you blame yourself?

Derek: I could do more… I could have done more….

Dr. Wyatt: medically? Or as a son?

Derek: I think both things…

Dr. Wyatt: are you mad at your father? Do you think he could have given up?

Derek: no… who could think someone could shoot you for a watch? I'm mad at them. The way they looked at him… like he wasn't a person… They killed a man, my father for what? A thousand bucks? (he rubs his temples) They shut down a life and ruined a family. And never paid for it… It's something you never forget…. There are moments I'm scared to remember… I've never told my mum… I've always told her he wasn't afraid but that wasn't true. He knew he was going to die and he told me… (he breaths out and stops talking)

Dr. Wyatt: you didn't face your grieve Derek… that's what I see. You buried everything in a corner of your heart. I'm surprised you didn't go in therapy when it happened. Either of you…

Derek: my sister reacted in a different way… I put on my best face and tried to be strong. I was the man of the family then… I couldn't stop and moping… My sister… she drowned herself in drugs… When I realized it… it was almost too late…

Dr. Wyatt: what do you mean?

Derek: my mum thought she was down… she became strange and silent… new friends… new school… but I could see there was something wrong. We shared the same room and we used to talk al lot before sleeping… She started to avoid me… I thought it was because she was afraid to live what happened in the shop again but… then I had the first suspects… She was distant… I thought to give her time and then… one evening… I came home and I found her in her bed… unconscious… she wasn't breathing… she was dead… pale…. I started to revive her while the others called an ambulance… I brought her downstairs and she was like a leaf…. She didn't stir…. Move…. Nothing. It was like having a corpse in my arms. Overdose. She was lucky she survived it.

Dr. Wyatt: you can put this on your shoulders…

Derek: I was the older brother… I knew she wasn't fine. I decided to give her space and she nearly died. And it was a mistake I did a lot of years later, again.

Meredith: with me?

* * *

Teddy and Sandra are laughing in the cafeteria. Owen sees them and joins their table.

Owen: mum… (she turns around and stands, they hug)

Sandra: I finally got to see you…

Owen: I'm sorry I didn't show up… I was busy…

Sandra: I know… I know… you doctors are always busy to save the world. Have you time to sit with us?

Owen: sure (he sits with them)

Sandra: it's nice here…

Owen: yeah… it's a good hospital…

Sandra: I heard doctors are good as well…

Owen: you still know everything… but you've already met Cristina…

Sandra: do you mean the two minutes meeting on my door two months ago? I'd like to see you more often than that…

Owen: you will, I promise (Sandra looks at her carefully)

Sandra: you look different… more self confident…

Owen: I settled some things and I feel better now… What about you?

Sandra: always the same routine. Home, church, home. But there's a news. Not that good (both Teddy and Owen tense)

Owen: are you fine?

Sandra: sure, I'm not talking about my health. I'm good. But your uncle's back.

Owen: what? (Teddy stands up)

Teddy: I leave the two of you alone

Sandra: you can stay, Teddy

Teddy: no, it's better I go. See you later (she leaves)

Owen: so?

Sandra: apparently he was released a month ago. Good behavior. And he came knocking to my door.

Owen: what did you tell him?

Sandra: what I always do… To look for your father. But you know… we are easily reachable…

Owen: Dad is nowhere to be found… Maybe it's better I come home for some time

Sandra: Owen… I can take care of myself…

Owen: he's dangerous, mum. If he needs money he can do stupid things and I don't want you to be alone. I'll come home for some week, if he calls you, tell him to phone me.

Sandra: Owen…

Owen: I can take care of myself too…

Sandra: ok… what about your girlfriend?

Owen: what?

Sandra: I don't want to cause you troubles. Will she agree if you move out?

Owen: we don't live together. Not yet (he drinks his coffee and his mum looks at him)

* * *

Lexie is sitting with Mark in a on call room. He is laying on a bed hiding his face in a pillow.

Lexie: seriously, Mark. What happened? (he is silent) Are you still mad at me for the no sex thing? As, you know, you are a bit childish. We have a mature relationship now, made of many things. Not just sex. You should be happy to stay with me, sex or no sex. Instead… you are here all silent, you barely talk to me when we are home. And now this… (nothing) Ok… is this about Derek seeing me naked 'cause I've already told you it was an accident, an innocent… ok, not the right word, a stupid accident. You are not jealous, right?

Mark: Lexie, damn it! Can you just shut the hell up for two seconds, please? (Lexie is taken aback by his reaction but seems also relieved)

Lexie: you talk…

Mark: and you do too, too much. This has nothing to do with the sex starvation and the naked thing, ok? I'm not mad at you or at anyone else. Just at myself.

Lexie: why?

Mark: I've done a lot of stupid things lately and I've pushed people away, people who really needed me…

Lexie: ok, but I'm here anyway…

Mark: I wasn't talking about you (a frown appears on Lexie's forehead and she seems upset). We are fine, for me we're fine. I'm a little bit disappointed for this thing but if it's what you want, it's fine. I'm frustrated, humiliated even. The hospital is talking about McSteamy collared by his young girlfriend, nurses send me pathetic looks, someone is even trying to tempt me.

Lexie: tempt you?

Mark: they're showing me boobs and puppy eyes but… I don't care. The fact is that this morning, I've realized they were sharing juicy gossips on something else… and… it was like a punch in the gut.

Lexie: what? That they are not talking about you anymore?

Mark: no… they were talking about Derek and… something I didn't know. But I was supposed to know as I'm his best friend… I thought I was but he didn't say anything to me and now I feel maybe I lost points with him… I was a bad friend… he is tired of me and my jokes…

Lexie: what are you talking about?

Mark: nothing, ok? (he stands up) Never mind (Lexie walks in front of him)

Lexie: why don't you trust me?

Mark: I do…

Lexie: no. Because you never tell me things about you. You are upset by this thing. Talk to me. I'm supposed to be your friend, maybe I can help. Maybe it's not that bad. I don't know what you are talking about but, maybe, you are just over reacting. It's something I don't know even. And I should. Meredith is my sister. She should confide in me. And she didn't. Maybe even Derek wanted some time…

Mark: Meredith doesn't know, Lexie. And that's the point. It's a burden on Derek and he hasn't told anybody. He shouldn't deal with this by himself (someone knocks the door, Alex enters the room)

Alex: I'm sorry to bother you, Dr. Sloan. But our patient is on the way.

Mark: I come (Alex goes away and Mark kisses Lexie) Don't worry about this. I'll fix things. And I love you (he kisses her again)

Lexie: me too

Mark: sex tonight? (Lexie's face becomes a grimace) I was kidding… See you later.

* * *

All the residents are at lunch.

Avery: any case this morning?

Reed: nothing. I stayed in the pit the whole morning to take blood.

Alex: it looks like the attending are not doing surgeries today. I was with Sloan, a patient was coming in but he gave the case to another doctor. And I'm here eating this crap again (he point to his sandwich). Who's that? (he gestures to Cristina Owen and the woman he is talking to. Cristina turns around and immediately stops chewing her salad)

Cristina: crap… it's Owen's mother

Alex: is she here so that you know the family?

Cristina: I don't know. But I don't like it (she gestures Lexie to move on her left and cover her from Owen's sight)

Reed: too late… He saw you

Cristina: oh God… What do I do? I should leave the cafeteria (she is going to stand but Alex stops her)

Alex: Lightweight… You need to corner the enemy. Like Lexie does. Where you kicking Sloan's ass this morning?

Lexie: no… we were just talking… He was kind of freaking out about Derek and a gossip he heard (all the guys go silent). Hey hey hey… You know something, don't you? (Alex lowers his look and the others too). Come on… tell me! He is my brother in law, Meredith is my sister. I've the right to know!

Cristina: it has nothing to do with their private life. You don't have any right.

Reed: but she'll hear it from someone else…

Avery: maybe she's right. She's rather to know it from you…

Alex: she'd rather not to know. Trust me Lexie

Lexie: no, I want to. So you'll tell me or I'll go ask the nurses and I don't want to play the moron here so, tell me please (anyone talks and she stands up, Alex pulls her down)

Alex: ok… Just don't freak out… promise….

Lexie: ok (she swallows)

Alex: there was a camera in the elevator Sheperd was attacked. It recorded everything. The tape will become an evidence in the trial (Lexie's jaw has dropped, Reed eyes Alex suspiciously)

Lexie: oh God… (Avery clears his throat)

Avery: you know what guys? This morning, in the locker room, you gave me the impression to know more than us about this thing. We heard gossips but the two of you knew it for sure. How? (they keep silent) It's going to become public.

Lexie: guys…. (Alex and Cristina share a look)

Cristina: Owen told me. He saw it.

Alex: and me too. Just… not the whole…. record (everyone looks at him). Trust me… You don't want to watch it (they go back eating) Cristina…

Cristina: yep?

Alex: Hunt is coming to get you (she turns around to see Owen smiling at her)

* * *

Dr. Wyatt: Derek… I've talked with Meredith about this episode during her sessions. She never gave me the idea of blaming you for anything…

Derek: but I do… You were bad. Your mother had come back and hurt you. You were upset. I hovered for a bit and then… I let you go. I let you go that morning without saying anything. And when that girl pointed to the ocean I knew…

Meredith: girl?

Derek: the kid with blond hair…

Dr. Wyatt: have you ever talked about this? (Meredith shakes her head) Don't you know how they found you?

Meredith: At first I thought the coast guard… but…

Dr. Wyatt: Derek?

Derek: she pointed to the water… it was dark and still… And panic rolled over me like a wave. I walked to the edge of the dock and looked into the water. I was…. relieved as I couldn't see anything. And then…

Meredith: what? (her voice is a breath, she's crying)

Derek: I turned around and I saw you with the corner of my eye… I saw blue scrubs sinking in the water… And I plunged… It was so cold that it took my breath away… I couldn't move my legs… I didn't feel my feet… I lost orientation. I plunged three, four times but I couldn't see anymore. I was scared out of my mind. And then… I saw you again, three strokes from the dock. I caught you and pulled you out of the water… You were…. nothing, bluer than your scrubs…. You weren't breathing… It was like my world had stopped… I couldn't believe you hadn't….

Meredith: swam? (she wipes away some tear)

Derek: After that (he shakes his head)…. I lost people I loved in my life but they hadn't had the chance to choose. You did and… I couldn't…. It didn't become the worst day of my life because you survived… But you acted like nothing had happened… You went in and out our relationship and I wasn't strong enough to take it… I wasn't honest enough to tell you I wasn't the knight in shiny stuff you believed… I loved you so much but… I couldn't wait… I was too afraid…. Even to tell you I was. You were so fragile and I didn't want to put pressure on you… I let you go… But every day… I came here and I saw you… I was with another person but my love was growing and… I thought to leave… I couldn't breathe in here without you…

Meredith: I'm sorry… I didn't know… I was too mad at you… blaming you… but it was my fault Derek. I'd like to turn back time but I can't… I love you so much and I can't stand to have hurt you like that (she stands up). But I get it now… the hovering thing…. When I saw you in that elevator… I thought I could die… without you… I can't forgive myself for putting you in that situation… knowingly….

Derek: you didn't do it on purpose, Mer…. Things happen…. Moments of weakness… But you came back… I should have hold on…. Waited for you….

Meredith: I should have told you the truth… I came back for you, Derek. For nothing else, just you. But when I was here… I couldn't make up my mind… I was scared to let you in… I didn't get what you felt… But I learnt to get it. And now… after what happened to you… everything is so clear that I am ashamed of myself… When you love someone you care… I shouldn't have blamed you for that… (Dr. Wyatt clears her throat)

Dr. Wyatt: I'm happy you cleared this… But you're over it… We should get to the other point right now…

Meredith: I think it's enough for today… It's too painful for him…

Derek: no Mer… If I stop now… I'm not sure I could do this again. I need to tell you everything… (Meredith nods and sits again)

* * *

Cristina and Owen are sitting in the cafeteria. Sandra has left the table for some minutes and Cristina looks nervous. Owen takes her hand.

Owen: relax…

Cristina: relax? I won't relax! Your mother is here and I have not good relationships with mums… They don't like me…

Owen: she does like you…

Cristina: no, because I'm too ambitious and self confident and I have a sign on my forehead with the sentence "I'll eat your son" (Owen laughs). And above all, I'm not Teddy!

Owen: you need to relax, seriously. My mum is a strong woman and loves people with that personality and you won't eat me… Plus, she likes Teddy, she is kind of a second daughter to her but she knows we are not together. I had many girlfriends…

Cristina: many?

Owen: yeah… since I was in college I had many girlfriends… What did you think? She knew most of them and was kind to all of them. She only cares I'm happy. And I am. So stop freaking out.

Cristina: I don't freak out, that's a Meredith's thing.

Owen: dark and twisty sisters' thing… Anyway, there's something I want to tell you.

Cristina: ok…

Owen: I haven't told you a lot about my family. It's time I do. My father left when I was a kid, I have seen him a couple of times since then. My mum raised me alone. Unfortunately, he left his brother in our lives. He is not a good man, always in troubles, in and out of jail all over his life. Now he is out and he has already knocked to her door for money. I'll go back home for some time.

Cristina: are you worried?

Owen: yes… my mum is sure he'd not hurt her but… I'm not that sure. I prefer to be there and face him… Do you mind?

Cristina: no… I'll miss you but it's fine… (he squeezes her hand and his mum comes back)

Sandra: here I am… (she sits)

Owen: so… where can I come back home? (his mum looks at him and then at Cristina puzzled)

Sandra: are you fine with it? (Cristina looks embarrassed)

Cristina: of course… It's not a problem…

Owen: is it for you? I don't know… some supporter to get rid of?

Sandra: Owen… I am an old and boring woman… I don't have men stuck in my attic… You can come even tonight if you want. I was just thinking… you could come too if you want (Cristina is stunned and also Owen seems surprised)

Cristina: me? No, no… I thank you but, you know, I have awful schedules… I need to be here early in the morning if I want to have the best cases… So… no thank you. I'll see Owen here…

Sandra: but you could come at least for dinner sometimes… (Owen looks at Cristina hopeful)

Cristina: yeah…. Yeah…. Of course

* * *

Reed joins April and Avery in the clinic. They are ordering shelves.

Reed: hey… we could be on leave instead of doing nurses' job… (she leans on the counter)

Avery: yep… what have you been doing?

Reed: nothing… just going around to hear gossips. But I guess Webber shut nurses' big mouths up.

Avery: it's good. I don't think he wants Meredith or someone else to know something like that from a nurse. Sheperd's family is here too.

Reed: I just can't get how they knew it…

Avery: nurses have twenty ears, they know everything… It was just stupid for the police to have them overhear this kind of conversation… (they notice April is ordering stuff absent mindedly, she doesn't seem to care of their speech).

Reed: are you ok, April?

April: yep

Reed: you look nervous

April: I am just tired… of everything…

Avery: we are all tired. But tonight we'll know our specialties… Aren't you excited?

April: I was… before. Now I'm thinking of going somewhere else…

Reed: what? Why? (she shrugs) Is that because they all treat you like crap? You don't have to bend to this, they are testing you. You need to focus on your job and you're good. Screw everyone… just focus on work…

April: it's easy for you to say… You are not stuck in the pit every day, you are not assigned to people who bark against you, the other residents don't look you up and down… I can't take any of this anymore. They hate me… but it's not my fault what happened… I cared… I (she lets some boxes fall on the ground and then leave)

Reed: April! (Avery and Reed share a strange look) What the hell is wrong with her?

Avery: I don't know (he clears his throat) Has she ever told you she has the hots for Sheperd?

Reed: what? No? I think she is just grateful because he hired her back…

Avery: Grey told me she kissed him…

Reed: who? April? She is shiest person in the world… How could she jump a married man? Her boss moreover…

Avery: I don't know… But what if this is the reason why the others don't talk to her right now? I mean… Grey would be pissed and Yang… they are kind of a couple… Karev lives with them…

Reed: ok… but what about the attendings? I don't think they would isolate a resident for sentimental stuff…

Avery: no… but I have a feeling that there is something we don't know. And we won't like.

Reed: ok… (she goes towards the door)

Avery: hey… where are you going?

Reed: to Bailey.

Avery: what? Reed… it's not wise

Reed: she is our friend, Avery. I want to know (she goes out and after a minute Avery follows her)

* * *

Lexie sees Mark at the nurses station. He is filling a chart. Some nurses are in a corner talking. She gets closer.

Lexie: hey… your patient?

Mark: I gave the case to Dr. Dent, I'm just completing the papers… (he raises his eyes to see the nurses whispering). I could do faster if there wasn't a swarm of mosquitoes boozing around (he talks loudly, the nurses stops talking and part. Lexie gets closer)

Lexie: Mark… that wasn't a good idea…

Mark: why?

Lexie: because they're nurses, they chat. They have always done and will always do. You don't need enemies right now. And having them stop will only feed the gossip.

Mark: I don't care… (he closes the chart and puts it on the desk. Lexie takes his hand)

Lexie: come with me (she takes him to an on call room) Sit (Mark breaths out and turns to leave but she pulls his arm) Please… sit (he sits on the bed). Lay down…

Mark: Lexie…

Lexie: lay down (he lays on his stomach and Lexie starts to message his back). Just try to relax… Fighting nurses won't help you.

Mark: I just feel so useless…

Lexie: you don't' have… You should… he'll talk to you when he is ready, when he needs it. Maybe he's just trying to protect you… (Mark tenses and turns around looking her in the eye)

Mark: what do you know?

Lexie: nothing… (he sits on the bed)

Mark: you're lying. And you are not able. Tell me what you know… Please

Lexie: ok… I know someone has watched it… (Mark seems to freeze)

Mark: who?

Lexie: listen to me…

Mark: who? (she breaths out)

Lexie: Hunt for sure. And Alex…

Mark: I can't believe it (he stands up and leaves the room upset. He slams the door and Lexie follows him. An elevator moves upstairs and Mark disappears behind the doors)

* * *

Dr. Wyatt: when you met Mr. Clark, would you ever have imagined he could become violent?

Derek: no… He was grieving and… he was trying to find someone to blame… But he seemed a good man… I think….

Dr. Wyatt: gossips say he had already tried to aggress you…

Derek: it was a stupid thing…

Dr. Wyatt: you say this after all?

Derek: I still believe it…

Dr. Wyatt: mmm… so… that evening…

Derek: he looked … I don't know… He didn't kill me… He wanted but he didn't…

Dr. Wyatt: do you think he just wanted to scare you?

Derek: no… He wanted revenge but… (Dr. Wyatt and Meredith share a quick look)

Dr. Wyatt: what do you remember?

Derek: everything… I… it's engraved in my mind… I can't forget… the surprise… the pain… the fear… and the feeling of powerlessness to have someone playing with me…

Dr. Wyatt: would you explain those feelings to me?

Derek: there's not much to explain… Surprise because he attacked me behind my back… Fear because he told me about Meredith…Powerlessness because I couldn't move… And the pain… (he breaths out) I had never felt something like that… I just wanted to stop feeling but… I couldn't… I knew I had to hold on…

Dr. Wyatt: do you know what is strange? When you talk about your dad, I can feel the rage in your voice. You talk about Mr. Clark and it seems like you think you deserved what he did. Am I wrong? (there's a long silence)

Derek: I don't think I deserved that… but maybe… I'd have done the same

Meredith: what the hell are you talking about?

Dr. Wyatt: Dr. Grey…

Meredith: don't Dr. Grey me! I won't let you do this! You're blaming yourself… You think he had the right to do this because he lost his wife but he didn't… Your mum lost his husband but she didn't kill anyone… It was not your fault his wife died! How many patients have we lost? Do we always have to think that some relative can take a knife and kill us? We are doctors, we have lives in our hands. But we can't save anyone. You told me this!

Dr. Wyatt. She's right, Derek… Why do you think he is different from the man who killed your father?

Derek: his eyes were different… When he hit me… I… (he rubs his eyes)

Dr. Wyatt: I read your chart… It didn't seem he wanted to keep you alive. He wanted an eye for an eye… (Derek breaths out) Are you really going to meet him?

Derek: yes

Dr. Wyatt: what do you expect? An apology?

Derek: I want the truth. I want to know how Kepner's words affected him… I want to hear it from him…

Dr. Wyatt: will this change things for you?

Derek: I don't know. I just want to understand…

Dr. Wyatt: What if sometimes there is no reason in what happens?

Derek: I can't accept this… Not anymore… I've been wondering for years why that guy had to shoot my father. I had never the chance to ask him because police never found him. Now I have this chance… I have the chance to look Mr. Clark in the eye. I'm going till the end of it. I want to know. Even for you. I need to be… ok with this before the trial starts…

Dr. Wyatt: why? It happened to you. Meredith will be fine if you are fine.

Derek: she'll have to face too many things…

Dr. Wyatt: not worst of what you suffered…

Derek: I'm not that sure…

Dr. Wyatt: you said it yourself… It's different to see someone you love being hurt and to live the after moments. Meredith saw you bleeding out… Do you think hearing what happened will be worse than that? (some tear escape Derek's eyes)

Meredith: I know you want to protect me but… I can face it. Together, we can. I can sit by your side, I can… You don't need to protect me.

Derek: I can't protect you, Mer. That's the point… Even if I could... say nothing about this… you'd know anyway. And I can't let you hear all from other people, let you see… (he breaths out and rakes a hand through his hair)

Dr. Wyatt: see what?

Derek: what he did…

Meredith: I have already seen…

Derek: you don't get it, Mer… You can't… (he pants shifting on the couch)

Meredith: I have seen you laying in a pool of blood, I have seen you crying out of pain and passing out. I have seen everything…

Derek: you haven't seen it happening… (Meredith's face becomes a mask of indecision)

Dr. Wyatt: what are you trying to say, Derek? (other tears wet his cheeks, Derek looks at Meredith for a moment and then covers his eyes with both hands, his voice is a whisper)

Derek: you'll see it happening, Mer…

Meredith: excuse me? (Dr. Wyatt silences her)

Dr. Wyatt: Derek?

Derek: there is a tape… there was a camera…

Dr. Wyatt: where?

Derek: in the elevator… They're going to show it… I can't protect you from this… (Meredith seems frozen, she swallows and stands up, she goes out without saying anything. Derek doesn't try to follow her)

Dr. Wyatt: so that's it?

Derek: what?

Dr. Wyatt: you're ready to face your slave-driver but you're letting her walk away?

Derek: I can't look her in the eye right now… I'm destroying her… All this thing is a nightmare…

Dr. Wyatt: for the both of you. You're drowning in your past, you can't drag her with you. You can fight this. You are strong… You want to protect her but the best thing you can do is open your heart, completely. You have started… Today it has been awful to you, I can see that. You did it for Meredith. I'd rather you to think for yourself now… but you did it. Now the hard part begins. You need to heal, but she needs to heal too. She is living what you lived in the bay: she saw you dying, she saw you suffering. And you're right: if she watches what happened in that elevator, she will be destroyed. But you'll be with her. Don't leave her alone. Don't let Gary Clark harm you again (he swallows and stands up, he gives her a small smile and leaves. Dr. Wyatt writes some notes and breaths out too)

* * *

Owen comes out from the attending lounge. His mum is waiting for him. Teddy comes out too and leaves, Sandra follows her with her look.

Sandra: sweet girl…

Owen: yeah… she is great…

Sandra: not enough for you (Owen looks at her, an annoyed look on his face)

Owen: mum, please. Can we avoid this speech, please?

Sandra: apparently you've been avoiding it for too many years (he breaths out). Honey, I just want you to be happy…

Owen: and I am. I love Cristina and she loves me despite everything.

Sandra: despite you're stubborn?

Owen: despite I nearly killed her (his voice is harsh, Sandra takes his hand)

Sandra: did you have one of… your episodes… again?

Owen: yeah… I nearly choked her. Listen, I know what you think. You like Teddy and I get that. But Cristina is great. She loves me. She helped me. And what I feel… is real. So please, give her a chance, ok?

Sandra: ok… So you're planning to stay here in Seattle? To settle here?

Owen: yeah. It's good to be home. The hospital is good, I like my colleges and I think they like me too (Sloan appears in the corridor, without saying anything he slams Owen against the wall)

Owen: hey…

Mark: is that true? (Owen tries to push him away but Mark tightens his grip on his collar, Sandra seems scared, both Cristina and Lexie run towards the two of them)

Cristina: what the hell are you doing?

Lexie: Mark, let him!

Mark: is it true?

Owen: what are you talking about?

Mark: about the fact that you saw a butcher killing my best friend and didn't say anything to me!

Cristina: you told him? (she sends a deathly glare to Lexie)

Lexie: I did but… Mark please… stop! (Mark seems to calm down and let Owen's shirt)

Owen: ok… (he looks around to see a lot of people looking at them). I think it's better you calm down.

Mark: I am… Sorry

Owen: let's go somewhere else talking (Lexie takes Mark's arm and pulls him away)

Sandra: are you ok?

Owen: sure, I'm fine

Sandra: your colleges do like you…

Owen: really funny… It's nothing personal. But I need to talk to him. Go home. We'll come later.

Sandra: not too late. I prepared your favorite dinner… (she leaves, Cristina gets closer)

Cristina: hey…

Owen: I'm fine. Let's go find them (Cristina stops him)

Cristina: don't you think we should call the chief?

Owen: why?

Cristina: he had been freaking out the whole day. There are gossips, ok. But what if you can't go public?

Owen: ok… page him (he enters the men's toilets and Cristina goes to the nearest nurses station)

Cristina: could you page me Dr. Webber, please?

* * *

Reed and Avery find Bailey in front of the OR board. They stop at the end of the corridor. Avery tries to stop Reed.

Avery: are you seriously going to do that?

Reed: what should I do?

Avery: maybe nothing

Reed: you don't need to come. If you're afraid to screw your career, just stay here (she goes towards Bailey and after a minute of hesitation, Avery follows her) Dr. Bailey?

Bailey: we haven't met yet. Your specialties are not settled.

Reed: I didn't want to ask you this (Bailey perceives indecision in her voice and she turns to look at them). It's about… (she stops noticing a frown on Bailey's forehead). I know what you'll say to me… That it's not my business…

Bailey: Adamson… I don't have the whole day. Spit it out. I will tell you if it's not your business.

Reed: it's about Kepner.

Bailey: that's not your business

Reed: she wants to go away.

Bailey: so?

Reed: it's our friend. And there's something going on but… (Bailey raises her hands)

Bailey: ok… I know you find strange what's going on with her. But the only person who can tell you, it's her. Not me. I'd like to, but I can't. And you really can't get how much I'd like. You think we're treating her bad, maybe it's true. But she deserved it, she deserves him. And she can play the innocent forever, but this won't change things. Unfortunately it won't.

Reed: but has it something to do with work? Because it looks like something personal…

Bailey: it is personal… But I can't tell you. Is she your friend?

Reed: yes

Bailey: bring sense into her. She is in denial. She has hurt a lot of people. You can't even imagine… I respect what you're trying to do but… hear me out… stop doing it (Richard joins them, he looks in a hurry)

Richard: Bailey!

Bailey: Chief? (she looks puzzled)

Richard: let's go

Bailey: where?

Richard: Yang has just paged me. Something happened between Sloan and Hunt. We must go (they leave)

* * *

_So stop drawing lines…_

_Stop making plans…_

_We are humans, we are flawed._

* * *

Meredith has changed into her street clothes. She has been looking for Cristina everywhere. A nurse has suggested to look on the catwalk. When she opens the door, she notices a crowd of residents there. They all are looking at the chief's office. She spots Cristina and gets closer.

Meredith: are you trying to spy the meeting again? (Cristina turns around and notices Meredith's sad face. She doesn't answer immediately, her face tells Meredith there's something wrong)

Cristina: Mer… (even Lexie looks embarrassed)

Meredith: no. I don't want to know, ok? (she wipes away some tears) I was going to Joe's. You come?

Cristina: sure. I need to change.

Meredith: let's go then (they walk away together. Cristina sends her some look)

Cristina: how did it go?

Meredith: don't ask, please. It was horrible. And I left.

Cristina: Meredith…

Meredith: I thought I was the dark and twisty one but… I couldn't imagine he… (she wipes other tears). Do you know what I can't stand? (Cristina shakes her head). I can't drink! I really would like to have a tequila right now but…

Cristina: we can have carrot juice… (they are silent for some second, then they burst out laughing together and enter the locker room)

* * *

_We can't build a picture of how we want to be._

_We can't control things._

_But we can decide how to react._

* * *

Derek is in his room. He keeps looking at the clock. The others are late. Suddenly the door opens and Teddy comes in out of breath.

Teddy: sorry, I'm late…

Derek: don't worry. The others are too. I was starting to think I had misunderstood (Teddy closes the door, a frown on her forehead)

Teddy: it's strange (she sits on the couch, a new silence fills the room. After some minutes Derek stands up from the bed and walks slowly towards the wheel chair)

Teddy: what are you doing?

Derek: I'm going to Richard's office (He sits down and wheels away, Teddy follows him. He stands up right outside the door. He opens the door without knocking. He freezes on the spot seeing Mark, Hunt, Richard and Bailey sitting on the couch, watching the TV). What… (they hadn't heard the door but turn around to look at him, Richard immediately turns the tv off, a guilty look on his face. Understanding paints Derek's face) What the hell are you doing in here?

Bailey: nothing… we were coming (she stands up pretending nothing was happening)

Derek: don't… Richard… (Richard looks away. Mark stands up and walks towards him)

Mark: it's my fault Derek… I heard nurses talking about it and I freaked out (Derek seems clueless). You didn't tell me anything and I thought… I needed to know…

Derek: why didn't you ask me then?

Mark: I thought you didn't trust me enough…

Derek: so you decided to go behind my back?

Bailey: Sheperd… he just wanted to help you. And we had already… (Bailey stops seeing Derek's surprise)

Derek: why didn't you tell me anything? (he talks to Richard)

Richard: I just wanted to protect you

Derek: don't do this to me… (Webber tries to put a hand on Derek's shoulder but he backs against the wall) Don't have pity on me. I don't need that. And I don't need you to protect me. Not after what I had to do today… (he rakes a hand through his hair)

Richard: Derek… I'm not pitying you, nobody is. You are proving to be much stronger than I am in this story. And I'm sorry you and Meredith have to go through this. Did you tell her? (he nods and Richard breaths out). I'm sorry for this (he gestures towards the tv) but I thought… I was wrong.

Derek: you can go on if you want (his voice is a whisper)

Bailey: I don't think it's a good idea…

Derek: I have already seen this… I lived it… Watching won't upset me more… And if Meredith and my family are going to … I want to be prepared… Go on… (after a moment of hesitation, they go to sit where they were, Teddy joins them on the couch. Derek keeps standing in a corner against the wall. Richard swallows and turns the tv on. The tape begins to show the images. Derek flinches sometimes but nobody says anything. The film stops and silence fills the room for some minute)

Derek: I wait you in my room for the meeting (he leaves)

Teddy: my God…

Bailey: how will Meredith take this?

Richard: I can't imagine. She needs to be prepared…

Mark: how can you be prepared?

Richard: let's go now (he stands up and invites them to follow him)

* * *

_Because sometimes reaction is the last thing left to us._

_No matter what you do…_

_No matter if you stop for a moment and surrender to weakness…_

_You can do it…_

* * *

(Meredith and Cristina are sitting at Joe's. Joe arrives and puts two glasses on their table. He looks at Meredith bewildered)

Joe: are you sure you want this? (Meredith shrugs) Call me if you change your mind (he leaves)

Cristina: it looks awful… (she takes her beer)

Meredith: no… it's funny… orange (she takes her glass) Cheers! (they take a sip of their drinks) It looks funny but it tastes awful… (she laughs) Carrots… I hate carrots… I don't know how Derek can drink this crap all the time… (silence falls between them, Meredith becomes serious )

Cristina: Meredith…

Meredith: I thought the hardest part was gone… but today…

Cristina: the worst is gone, Mer. Derek is fine, he is going to heal. I know it's difficult, you have to heal also psychologically… and to face the trial but you're together and nothing is going to change this…

Meredith: what if I'm not strong enough? I had no idea… I have always thought Derek was over protective because there was something wrong with me. Now I know he was because he suffered a lot. And if I think of all the things I did to him…

Cristina: you don't have to think back. And you don't have to blame yourself for things you didn't know. You hurt each other. But that's the past. The present and the future are different.

Meredith: I'm scared… Derek told me things today and I'm not sure I can face them without freaking out.

Cristina: you can freak out Meredith, that's the point. It's normal to freak out sometimes. Look at me… Owen is going to stay with his mum for a period (Meredith looks at her puzzled). Family problems. She invited me in.

Meredith: did you accept?

Cristina: of course not… But I accepted to go for dinner and now I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out here with you but, in an hour, I will knock at that door and be perfect- Cristina. I can do that. You can do that too. Did you and Derek talk after the session?

Meredith: no… I left…

Cristina: Mer… Derek could not tell you what he wanted directly, he needed to go to a shrink. That explains how hard it's for him too. You have to face this together.

Meredith: I wanted but… he had the meeting and… I didn't go.

Cristina: ok… go when the meeting is over. Oh… since you're there… you can phone me and tell me our assignments (Meredith makes a face) If you have time…

* * *

_But don't put your guard down…_

_Nightmares are always there to hunt you…_

_Even when you feel safe, when friends are with you… they are there lingering around you…_

* * *

All the attending are in Derek's room.

Richard: ok… I think this is going to be quick. As you know we have a spot in neuro, one in cardio, one in trauma, one in plastics and one in general. I'll read you the forms and we'll discuss them together. You can express your opinion on the resident, all of you can, even if the request doesn't concern your specialty. Let's start. First form: Cristina Yang. First choice: cardio (he stops reading and turns the page). It's the only choice (the attending laugh). Dr. Altman…

Teddy: I think she's the perfect candidate. She is self confident, she likes the specialty, she is prepared, always on the case. For me it's good.

Richard: anyone? (everybody is silent). Ok… one out. Second form: Alex Karev. First choice: plastics, second choice: general. Sloan?

Mark: we have discussed about it. He likes the specialty and he is ambitious.

Richard: he wasn't involved that much last years…

Mark: it was my fault. I was really jealous of my field. I've grown now

Bailey: you?

Mark: I'm ready to teach someone seriously.

Teddy: why? Was your teaching only for tricks before?

Derek: he just used residents and interns to collect his shirts from the laundry… He has grown up… Finally

Richard: so… is Karev ok with Sloan? (silence, he takes another form). Next form: Jackson Avery. First choice: general, second choice: trauma. Doctor Bailey?

Bailey: he is good… (Mark smiles). Also cute, but I'm too old and honorable to jump residents, unlike someone in here (everybody smiles). He is good in general, he is prepared. I guess being the son of Harper – Avery means something after all. But…

Richard: what?

Bailey: do you mind to check if there's someone else who applied in general?

Richard: why?

Bailey: if we have just one spot, I'd like to choose the best candidate (Richard makes a face). If we have situations of doubt, I'd be better to decide them in the end…

Richard: ok then… Reed Adamson… Trauma and orthopedics.

Callie: I started to feel ignored…

Richard: Hunt?

Hunt: I worked with her sometimes. She was too emotional at the beginning, she improved a bit. I don't know if it's enough to make her a good trauma surgeon. But if she wants to try… why not…

Richard: Torres?

Callie: to tell the truth she hasn't revealed great talent for my specialty. If Owen wants to take her, for me it's ok.

Richard: if there are no better candidates for trauma, she'll have it. April Kepner (he breaths out, the form in his hand and looks straight in Derek's eyes. He clears his throat). She applied only in neuro. Derek? (Derek rubs his temples)

Derek: I don't know…

Bailey: do we really have to do this?

Richard: unfortunately, we do. She is here at the moment and we need to assign her somewhere.

Owen: not with him, I think.

Derek: she hasn't to be with me necessarily.

Mark: what do you mean?

Derek: let's discuss her position now. And forget for a moment her… problems with me… Better… my problems with her. If there are no other candidates for neuro and nobody of you wants her… she could become Nelson's resident.

Richard: so, you were saying?

Derek: I don't know. She is a good doctor but, sometimes, she freaks out. I don't trust her fully. I get the impression sometimes she loses the control of the situation, she isn't lucid and, in neuro, you can't afford this. Nowhere I think… I don't know if she feels the pressure too much or if she wants to prove her skills no matter what… Anywhere she goes, she'll need to be monitored…

Richard: ok… we'll come back later. I put her form with Avery's. The last is Grey. Neuro and general.

Bailey: what?

Mark: are you deaf? He told…

Bailey: I heard what he told… Did you know it?

Richard: I had this suspect (Derek seems surprised). Derek?

Derek: I thought she'd have chosen general. After… I thought she had changed her mind…

Richard: I didn't mean that… Technically, you have to give me an opinion about her…

Mark: focus on what you can say here (he talks slowly)

Derek: she is good in neuro. Good with patients, careful. I think she likes it too. She had a great intuition with the trial and proved to be able to work hard. She is too emotional sometimes, especially when patients are kids. But she can work on in. In the end, she is a baby… surgically speaking. Like all the others. They think they can handle the world in their hands, they are stubborn and arrogant. But they want to learn. This makes them good residents… and her too.

Richard: anyone?

Bailey: I'm sorry to say this… but he's right. The point is: did she choose neuro for you? (Derek breaths out). I thought she wanted to repeat Ellis Grey's path…

Derek: I just think she wants to become a good surgeon… You ask me if she wants neuro because of me… I don't know… I try not to interfere in her career… Being my wife complicates things a lot… If you think she'd be better in general… talk to her… I'm not going to oppose to this… But if you are doing this just because she's my wife…

Bailey: that's not why. You can work together and you do it well. But she is good with others too. Meredith is one of the most talented residents I have ever seen. I don't want her to be wasted.

Derek: am I a waste?

Bailey: no. But don't forget you'll be the chief of surgery. You won't be in Ors like you used to. And Nelson proved to be an ass. Not to talk about the pregnancy…

Derek: I'm not thinking about the chief thing right now. It's a long way to come out of this whole. I'll decide in a few weeks. Pregnancy… You can say whatever you want and I get your point of view. For a third year resident it can be a problem but… it's the best thing which could happen in our life. I won't regret this.

Bailey: I was not saying that. So… what do we do?

Owen: if you let me… (Richard nods to him) I understand your opinion, Bailey. But our job is to give residents the chance they deserve and they want. We are not here to decide if they could be better in another specialty. We are here to say if they can be good in what they choose. If they are… we need to satisfy them. Meredith is an excellent resident. She could be good in every specialty. She chose neuro and I don't think she did it to be with Derek. They are married and they can be together in other ways. Push her towards something else… I don't know.

Bailey: she is too good to become a brain woman…

Mark: you still can have the cute guy… (finally Bailey nods)

Richard: so… Avery in general and Grey in neuro. Which reminds us about Kepner… Robbins and Torres, you are the only without a resident…

Arizona: she is too unstable to work with children…

Torres: don't look at me… I can live without residents…

Bailey: Adamson told me she is thinking of leaving…

Richard: if this was her will… she'd have already done it…

Derek: at this point, which are the chances the board decides to fire her?

Richard: we need to be patient…

Derek: Richard… come on… face the truth. If they wanted to do something… Legally there is nothing… it's going to be a problem between her and me. And Meredith.

Richard: what are you trying to say, Derek?

Derek: nothing… by now. But I'm going to find out the truth soon and then… we'll see if we can handle it. Till that moment we have to assign her or she'll suit us.

Richard: I'll give her a spot in general…

Bailey: what? Seriously chief?

Richard: Miranda…

Bailey: why do I always have to babysit all the fools?

Richard: I'll do it. Till we find another solution. I guess it's all (the attending leave the room. Only Bailey and Richard stay in)

Bailey: you stole my horse… but tomorrow I'll take my revenge. I'll bring you down for a scan.

Richard: if it goes good, we can start to think about your recovery and physiotherapy.

Derek: and home?

Richard: maybe… but I'd feel more comfortable if you stayed here for some more week… (Derek seems deceived) You know I'm right…

Derek: ok… but I need a day of leave on Monday (he meets Richard's eyes and then looks away)

Richard: where… (Richard processes) Derek… you're really going there?

Derek: I have to…

Richard: no, you haven't.

Derek: I decided Richard. I have already called Lewis to settle everything.

Bailey: Lewis?

Richard: he is going to meet Gary Clark in jail…

Bailey: are you crazy?

Derek: I'm not. And with all due respect this is none of your business. So stop trying to dissuade me. You won't (Bailey's pager beeps and she leaves after saying hi)

Richard: maybe I can't dissuade you. But I can come with you.

Derek: no, the hospital's lawyer will be there. You don't need to babysit me.

Richard: I don't need but I want. You are going to need support there. And I'll be with you (someone knocks to the door and Meredith comes in)

Meredith: I'm sorry… I thought the meeting was over

Derek: it is… come in (she gets closer, she looks doubtful. Derek hugs her). I missed you (Richard seems embarrassed)

Richard: I have to go. See you tomorrow (he leaves)

* * *

_The only way we can win our demons is facing them._

_And despite what we think… we can't do it on our own._

_We need help._

* * *

Meredith: I'm sorry I left in that way today (they part and Derek takes her face in his hands. He strokes her cheek with his thumb)

Derek: I'm sorry I had to put that burden on you… I love you

Meredith: I love you too (they kiss passionately and then keep hugging each other)

Derek: did you stay here all day? (he is rocking her)

Meredith: I went to Joe's with Cristina to drink something.

Derek: drink?

Meredith: carrot juice.

Derek: you hate it…

Meredith: I do. It's disgusting. But McPeanut can't drink tequila. I have to change my habits for a while. It's just strange to toast with that smelly dishwater.

Derek: remind me to thank Cristina tomorrow… (Meredith parts from him and gives him a knowing look) What?

Meredith: nothing… You could do something better for her but… I guess you can't… (she shows him puppy eyes)

Derek: this is cheating, you know?

Meredith: I'm doing nothing…

Derek: you're trying to corrupt your weak and helpless husband to extort top secret information…

Meredith: is it working?

Derek: yeah (they both laugh) but I was going to tell you anyway. I am just sorry we have nothing to toast with…

Meredith: toast? (Derek breaks every contact and his expression becomes serious. Meredith is puzzled). What's going on?

Derek: I just need to tell my resident the rules of my department (a wide smile curls his lips. Meredith is stunned at first and then smiles widely)

Meredith: really?

Derek: welcome in, Dr. Grey… (she jumps him) Ouch… (Meredith covers her mouth with a hand, she looks worried)

Meredith: sorry…. Sorry…. (she looks worried as Derek is panting). I'm listening for the rules, Dr. Sheperd…

Derek: it's forbidden to jump the attending, kiss the attending and flirt with the attending before 7 pm

Meredith: well… (she puts her hands behind his neck and kisses him). It's later now (their eyes are locked and Derek smiles)

Derek: I know… I looked at my watch before pronouncing them… (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: this is cheating, you know?

Derek: what? (Meredith becomes serious)

Meredith: distracting me. I had come here to talk to you about today, not to know about the specialties (Derek's eyes look a little bit more distant). Just Cristina wanted to know if she was assigned to cardio…

Derek: she was… (he gives her a small smile)

Meredith: I wanted to tell you that I'm not backing off. It's going to be hard. But I love you. And nothing is more important than this (they hug)

* * *

_No matter how strong and perfect we feel to be._

_Even the best of us needs help and support._

_Because there is no best… there is no perfection…_

* * *

Mark comes back home. He enters his bedroom to find Lexie in her lingerie waiting for him on the bed. She gives a mischievous look and makes some sexy steps towards him.

Lexie: are you still interested? (he looks at her, some tears form in the corners of his eyes. Lexie's smile becomes a grimace of worry). Mark? (he hugs her and starts to sob)

* * *

_And sometimes, despite all the odds, neither what we wanted more can give us solace._

_We are all flawed… _


	21. WAITING FOR THE UNESCAPABLE

Hi! I hope you're still interested in my fic.

**Waiting for the unescapable**

_Life is surprising._

_It gives you everything when you're expecting nothing._

_It leaves you anything when you held the world in your hands._

_Many of us like this rollercoaster, others like to know what to expect…_

_And then starting to fight it…_

* * *

It's early morning and Meredith and Cristina are entering the hospital together, they meet Alex in front of the elevator.

Alex: hey… you left early.

Meredith: yes, I have some problems in sleeping…

Cristina: and we had a wonderful breakfast at Joe's. You know what Mer? I had never realized how important Derek was in your life till we don't find any breakfast to wait for us in the morning… The man has its perks… (Meredith gives her an amused look)

Meredith: Derek has a lot of pros… one of them is that he cooks…

Alex: healthy things that anyone would eat…

Meredith: pancakes are magic…

Alex: they must be 'cause I have never had the chance to have one. You eat them all before I come down…

Meredith: I need to eat for two now… (the elevator opens and they go in)

Cristina: you don't plan to become fatter than a whale, do you?

Meredith: Derek would love that but… no. I want to keep my line. I need it if I want to keep working… And the real game is going to begin now (Meredith and Cristina both smile and Alex eyes them suspiciously)

Alex: what is it? (Meredith looks at him)

Meredith: what?

Alex: that smug expression of yours… (Meredith and Cristina share a look) You still know…

Cristina: what Evil Spawn?

Alex: the assignments… You are all bright and smiling… Are you in cardio? (Cristina turns to look at him, a self confident look on her face)

Cristina: I'm sure I'm. I'm the best. Nobody is better than me. So yes, I'm sure. I don't need to read it on the board this morning. I know it. She'd be a fool not to pick me…

Alex: you stole her man… you pissed her off…. (the elevator opens, they go out. Dr. Wyatt appears at the end of the corridor, they get closer)

Dr. Wyatt: Dr. Grey… Can I have a word with you, please?

Meredith: sure (Cristina and Alex go towards the lounge). Am I late? (she checks her clock)

Dr. Wyatt: no… no… I wanted to find you before the session.

Meredith: is there something wrong?

Dr. Wyatt: no… nothing. But I thought that maybe today I could have a session only with Derek… I would feel more comfortable… There are a lot of things to talk about and…

Meredith: you think I would be a burden…

Dr. Wyatt: no, Meredith. That's why I came to look for you. You did great yesterday. But I think Derek needs time to open and tell everything. His main concern are you. I'm afraid he's keeping a lot inside not to upset you more. I'm doing this for him, not because you didn't do good. Do you get this?

Meredith: yes…

Dr. Wyatt: you can come to my office later… I'd be happy to have some words with you too.

Meredith: ok… Will you tell Derek?

Dr. Wyatt: I will explain him everything. It's gonna be fine, Meredith. I promise (she goes away and Meredith starts to walk to the lounge)

* * *

Derek is in his room. He is standing and trying to wear a new t-shirt. Every time he lifts his arms he winces and breaths out. Bailey passes outside the door and sees him. She puts her head in.

Bailey: hey… what are you doing?

Derek: trying to get dressed…

Bailey: really? I thought you were trying to mime a film (she gets closer and gestures towards the t-shirt). Give me that…

Derek: I can do it on myself (Bailey eyes him and Derek gets she was looking his efforts). I thought I could (he gives her the t-shirt and sits on the bed. He raises his arms wincing for the new position)

Bailey: does it still hurt so much? (Derek's answer is a breath out) Sheperd…

Derek: yes, it does (his answer is a snap)

Bailey: that's not my fault (she puts the t-shirt on Derek's neck and stops seeing he is panting)

Derek: I'm sorry… (she gives him a smile)

Bailey: do you know I'm achieving the unsaid dream of half hospital?

Derek: that would be?

Bailey: I undressed and now I'm dressing McDreamy…

Derek: cheap dream… I guess I'm not that dreamy anymore. I'm like a child to babysit…

Bailey: Derek…

Derek: I hate this… I hate to be so vulnerable, I hate to depend on everyone. I hate I can't walk to the bathroom on my own… Till last month, I was McDreamy, I knew all the staff for professional reasons. Now nurses touch me all the time, they empty my urinal, they wash me in the evening with a sponge when I'm too exhausted to get up… There's no dignity left in here. And I can't even put a damned t-shirt on… I…

Bailey: need to be patient… Have you ever wondered why patients are called patients?

Derek: I have never be fond of etymology…

Bailey: but you were fond of patients, Derek. You were good with them, giving them advice and explanations.

Derek: if I was that good, this would have never happened…

Bailey: if Gary Clark wasn't a fool, this would have never happened (she raises her voice). You're one of the best doctors I know, the best maybe. And you're the most sensitive. You treat patients like they were family. If there's someone who certainly didn't deserve this, that is you. Stop talking non sense (Derek breaths out). Look… I know you are here and you are bored and tired at the same time. But you can't start thinking like that. You'll just destroy yourself. You need to focus on your health. You still have bruises all around, your inside are a mess, your bones are still cracked. You can't jump out of here, Derek. Take your time… That's a holiday (she resumes her work and Derek puts his arms in the sleeves, Miranda pulls the t-shirt down). Here you are… (Derek's eyes are fixed on the wall, he looks distant) Can I ask you something?

Derek: usually you don't do it…

Bailey: what?

Derek: asking my permission. You ask, that's all… (his eyes meet hers and she feels uncomfortable)

Bailey: never mind… (she takes her papers and goes to the door) I'll pick you up at 14 (she leaves)

* * *

Lexie joins Avery and Reed at the nurses station. Mark is there too. He is filling a chart.

Lexie: hey…

Avery: Dr. Grey….

Lexie: what are you doing here? (Reed is about to speak)

Sloan: drooling for answers (he looks up). They are here to know their specialties…

Lexie: is it today?

Reed: yes, in ten minutes…

Lexie: good luck! I hope you'll get what you want…

Sloan: they will (Reed and Avery share a quick look)

Avery: what do you mean?

Sloan: you want to be surgeons, don't you? You are going to be lifted to that level. You'll follow your path to glory or… whatever you want (he resumes his writing and Lexie shrugs to the guys. April joins them)

April: hey (Avery and Reed smile at her, Mark keeps writing). Are they out?

Avery: not yet…

April: were you told something?

Reed: no hope…

April: this await is stressing…

Sloan: you want to be a surgeon, right? (he talks without looking up)

April: yes, sir

Sloan: you should know by now that waiting is one of the most important qualities a surgeon must possess. Your nerves should not be in shreds… You all decided your future a long time ago…

Avery: what does that mean? (Sloan closes the chart violently and puts the pen in his pocket)

Sloan: you've been tested all over this year. Each attending wrote a note on you. I guess you are clever enough to get if what you expect is going to come or not. But… not all of you bothered to have their interviews so… I don't know if it's self confidence or stupidity… (he sends an annoyed look to April and goes away, Lexie follows him in the elevator)

Lexie: hey… you were harsh…

Sloan: I just can't stand her presence anymore. And I'm afraid she will play the dumb ass forever.

* * *

Derek arrives in Dr. Wyatt's office walking with crutches. He closes the door behind his back.

Derek: good morning… (Dr. Wyatt looks up from her desk to notice the sweat covering Derek's forehead. He sinks on the couch out of breath. She stands up and pours him a glass of water and gets closer the couch, she handles him the glass, a smile on her face) Thanks (he takes it)

Dr. Wyatt: you're walking on your legs…

Derek: I'm trying… but…. (he looks around) I thought I was late…

Dr. Wyatt: no… your timing is perfect… Let's get started (a frown appears on his face) Meredith won't join us today. I asked her not to (she sits in front of Derek, whose face has become a mask of worry) Don't worry… She wasn't bailing or something. I just wanted to talk to you privately.

Derek: why?

Dr. Wyatt: I don't know how to say it but… I'll try. Usually I climb mountains in my sessions, with my patients. They come here for help but I have to literally extort them words. With you… the mountain rolled on me… You said so many things, Derek… I need to go in the depths and I think that, with Meredith here, you'd not be too cooperative. These sessions are for you, don't forget this.

Derek: I don't need… (Dr. Wyatt raises an eyebrow and Derek stops talking)

Dr. Wyatt: sure… A man killed you dad in front of you, your sister drugged herself dead in your arms, your girlfriend drove you crazy for years and then drowned herself, a man raged on you with a knife… I think you're whole and healed to use an expression your wife loves so much… Seriously… Don't joke me around…

Derek: I'm not (he's messaging his temples)

Dr. Wyatt: you're a grown up man. The harm you suffered when you was younger… it healed. Not the way it was supposed to but…. It did. The problem is that this story ripped old wounds open. And I'm afraid you'll break down if you really go to meet Gary Clark without being prepared.

Derek: what do you suggest? I'm not backing off…

Dr. Wyatt: of course you're not… But you're here to talk. Do it. Without inhibition. Without fear. I won't get shocked. Tell me the truth.

* * *

Meredith, Cristina and Alex join the board. They notice the Westers there, waiting.

Cristina: still nothing…

Alex: what do you worry about? You are the best, aren't you? (Meredith giggles and Cristina rolls her eyes). Maybe after all, you too need to see it written to believe it's true.

Meredith: it looks like the await is over… (she spots Patricia getting closer with a document in her hands. The guys go closer the board. The woman joins them, her way blocked by their presence)

Patricia: so?

Cristina: what?

Patricia: can you step aside so that I can put this on?

Reed: can you just… (she stretches her hand)

Patricia: not at all, doctor. It's my task to do it and I will. So, if you want to know your fate… move (the guys reluctantly leaves her space. She opens the board and starts moving the other documents to make space)

Cristina: seriously? (her voice is a hiss but Patricia turns to look at her sternly, Meredith covers her mouth with her hands to hide a smile. Cristina bends to talk into her ear) She has super powers to hear… better overhear things…

Meredith: Derek didn't want to kiss me in his office because he said she could see and hear everything…

Cristina: and you?

Meredith: I told him not to worry… If we were loud… she could enjoy it as well (Patricia has done fixing the papers, she closes the board and goes away, not without letting Meredith know she heard her comment. The guys are pressed against the document)

Cristina: you see? (she talks to Alex) I'm the best

Alex: I'm too. From now on, if you want to improve your boobs, come to me (Cristina, Meredith and Alex leave laughing, the Westers stay there, Avery talks to April)

Avery: hey… it seems we are working together… I didn't know you wanted general…

April: I didn't indeed

Reed: but you were…

April: screwed… They screwed me… (she goes away)

* * *

Bailey goes in the attending lounge where she finds all their colleges. She seems surprised.

Bailey: did you found the suckers' club?

Torres: no…

Arizona: why… (Bailey stops her)

Bailey: because you spend more time here chatting than doing your work

Owen: we were just….

Bailey: chatting… I've already said that

Mark: we were relaxing. The real suckers are downstairs getting to know their future and we were here enjoying the last moments of solitude

Torres: I knew he was not serious…

Teddy: about what?

Torres: about the Karev thing, the teaching thing…

Mark: I'm serious. I'm getting old. It's time I choose the privileged who will continue my job after I retire…

Arizona: are you retiring soon?

Torres: he is not…

Arizona: how do you know?

Torres: I mean… he is Sloan… he likes too much to see boobs and asses to earn a living… He'll never give up on this…

Mark: thank you, Torres. For the record… I like my job…

Bailey: go do it then (she goes out slamming the door. The others make a face)

Teddy: does she always behave like that?

Owen: like what?

Teddy: like… I'm the sheriff, I own the hospital and everything is inside of it…

Owen: no… she is just Bailey

Mark: and she owns the hospital and everything inside of it (he stands up). I go to welcome my dauphin

Owen: I come too… Don't you? (he talks to Teddy)

Teddy: no. I think mine was sure to swim for a lot of time (she looks straight at Owen)

Owen: I didn't tell her…

Mark: don't mind, Hunt. These girls have their period today (he drags him out)

* * *

Derek is laying on Dr. Wyatt's couch. He's pinching his nose.

Wyatt: why aren't you and Meredith married?

Derek: we are…

Wyatt: I didn't mean the post it. I know it sounds real to you but… it's not. Do you know your sisters kicked her out when they were to decide if you had to have another surgery? (Derek breaths out)

Derek: no

Wyatt: well… they did. But my point is another: why haven't you amended your commitment?

Derek: she turned me down when I asked her to. Then she said yes. Then Izzie got sick, O'Malley died and we never made it to the city hall.

Wyatt: that's all? That sounds pretty lame…

Derek: it's not… it's just… I don't feel like it's necessary… It would be … legally but…

Wyatt: are you scared you'll fail another marriage? (Derek looks straight at her)

Derek: no… I love Meredith like I've never loved anyone. I'd never let our marriage die. But … I wanted to marry her to let her know once again I was completely in our relationship, I wanted to start a family, to have her feel safe. Then I got that she didn't care about these things. I cared more. She was fine like we were. With our post it.

Wyatt: and you're not?

Derek: I am if she is. But I'd like to give her more than this. I want to give my name and if something happened… But I feel like she changed her mind now. Maybe it's because of what my sisters did… maybe it's because of the baby…

Wyatt: are you happy with it?

Derek: happy? I've been dreaming this all my life… Meredith told me recently she wasn't for kids yet… now… She wanted to wait…. That day… when she told me there was something we needed to discuss… the first thing I saw was a child in her arms… I got the feeling.. but… She says she's happy about it. Do you think she might be over reacting for what happened to me?

Wyatt: what do you think?

Derek: I like… I hope not. But I'm afraid she does. A child is a huge step. I'm afraid she'd never tell me if… she is not ready. I made the mistake to force her into things before and… I promised never to do it again. A child… I can't help to be happy every time I think about him or her and… I feel selfish…

Wyatt: you're not… Meredith told me you wanted a family, strongly. And, but it's just my opinion, she wants that too. The only problem here is that you have to let go what happened to you. And it's hard.

Derek: I came into terms with it, I'm over it.

Wyatt: I'm sorry to disagree, but I do. You're hurting, I don't know you very much but that's pretty clear. Pain is something difficult to get rid of. And I'm not talking only about stress and nightmares. Physical pain can change people too. You should let Meredith see this side of the story.

Derek: I guess she just have to look at me to see it

Wyatt: that's not what I meant. Sharing is different. Talking is different. It makes things real. It makes you think. And I'm sure you need to do it.

* * *

Richard is in his office reading documents. Someone knocks.

Richard: come in… (Mr. Jennings enters the room, he looks annoyed). Mr. Jennings… what a pleasure… (the man sits in front of him)

Jennings: you won't say it again after I tell you why I'm here (Richard puts down his pen and looks at him). I have just received that (he lays a paper in front of Richard's eyes, Webber takes it). April Kepner resorts against the assignments. She says…

Richard: I see what she says (he slams the document on the desk). That's ridiculous and you know it (he looks at Jennings and sees his indecision). You won't tell me the board has decided to listen to this?

Jennings: Webber… think. We have to do it.

Richard: no!

Jennings: we have to open a inquiry.

Richard: you haven't! Picking residents is a task of the attendings, doctors, surgeons, not to bureaucrats.

Jennings: I agree with that. But when an attending picks his wife rather than…

Richard: an attending picked a skilled resident rather than a less talented one (his voice is harsh)

Jennings: that doesn't change the fact that she's his wife. And we need to investigate in order to prevent a lawsuit.

Richard: Jennings…

Jennings: I'm sorry, Webber. Really. But we have no choice.

Richard: you have a choice. You had to fire her one month ago and you didn't do it. She is still here seeding doubts. And now she criticizes the decisions of her attending? Do I have to remember you that I fired her because her negligence killed a woman?

Jennings: Sheperd hired her back

Richard: that doesn't mean she is the best doctor in Seattle

Jennings: no. But it means she deserves to be considered as well as others.

Richard: she is. I really don't know how Sheperd can stand her presence here but his choice was just work related.

Jennings: good. That's why he won't have any difficulty to explain it to our committee. Let him know. And tell me when we can arrange it (he stands up and leaves, meeting Bailey on the door. Webber is rubbing his temples)

Bailey: Chief… are you ok?

Webber: no (he handles her the paper Jennings gave him)

Bailey: she's got to be kidding…

Webber: apparently not. I go to tell Derek (he stands up)

Bailey: he is in rehab now (Webber sits back). I guess he'll need more after this.

* * *

Mark and Owen arrive at the department to find the residents there waiting.

Mark: hey Karev! (he pats him on the shoulder, the others look at him bewildered). Welcome aboard!

Alex: thanks sir… (the others are laughing silently, Sloan looks at them)

Mark: what the hell are you laughing at?

Meredith: nothing…

Mark: and you? (he looks at Cristina)

Cristina: nothing.

Mark: good. As I'm serious. And I can still kick your ass. Don't you have your attending to join?

Meredith: to tell the truth we were waiting to be assigned for the day…

Cristina: but don't be bothered by our presence. Go on with your welcome (Mark takes Alex's elbow and goes away. They all burst out laughing, Owen too)

Owen: he is really in this story…

Avery: it looks like...

Owen: congratulations everybody! I hope you have achieved your first goal…

Reed: almost everybody was satisfied…

Owen: are you not?

Reed: sure.. and, by the way, thanks you for picking me. I thought you'd not after I broke down on that patient…

Owen: being sensitive is not a fault. You can do good (Reed smiles and Cristina rolls her eyes)

Cristina: that reminds us someone was not happy. Who? (Reed and Avery share a quick look)

Avery: I think April. She was assigned to general but she didn't apply in it…

Cristina: that's impossible, isn't it? (she looks at Owen)

Owen: I can't talk to you about this. You were informed about what you can know. And now, if you excuse me, I have to explain my resident a lot of things. Doctor Reed (he gestures her towards the corridor)

Reed: sure… (they start walking down the corridor, their voices arrive far and low)

Owen: I'm sorry… I haven't prepared a welcome party or anything (Reed giggles, Cristina stares at them)

Cristina: do you think I need to threaten her or something?

Meredith: no, she looks fine. And what are you, jealous?

Cristina: no (she fakes indignation)

Avery: she is.

Cristina: have we asked your opinion? (Meredith and Avery laugh) Where is your tutor?

Avery: maybe with yours.

Cristina: I don't think so. Mine will be at church to thank God she found me on her way. Yours… no… maybe he is there too. Praying you don't kill anyone on his watch (she turns around to find Teddy looking at her). Dr. Altman…

Teddy: I'm done praying. Let's go (she turns on her heels, Cristina follows her. Midway she turns around and shows her tongue mocking Avery. Meredith laughs)

Avery: if I thought she was too self confident before… now she'll be out of control…

Meredith: she has just won her jack pot. She'll be gloating someday and then go back to normal. So… will you work with Webber or Bailey?

Avery: I don't know. It depends… with two residents in general… I have no idea.

Meredith: so… if Reed is happy and you're too I assume Kepner didn't get what she wanted (Avery shrugs taking a sip of his coffee)

Avery: To tell the truth I don't know what she wanted…

Meredith: I'd bet on neuro…

Avery: my mum didn't want me to bet but… I guess you're right. So… we're going to have two Sheperd working together… (he looks down at Meredith) waiting for the third…

Meredith: well… I think I'll work a lot with Dr. Nelson now. Then, we'll see… (Avery spots Nelson at the entrance of the ER)

Avery: speaking of whom… (he eyes him to Meredith, she takes a glance at the doctor and then goes to him)

Meredith: see you later

* * *

Wyatt: how did it happen?

Derek: what?

Wyatt: Gary Clark… did he face you? Did he jump you as soon as you got in there?

Derek: he hit me from behind… I was going to Meredith, he was kind of disguised. There was no talking… just a knife knocking me down. And then he talked…

Wyatt: did he insult you?

Derek: no. He… apologized. For what he was doing. He looked… like he was forcing himself to do something against his own will…

Wyatt: it doesn't look to me he was soft on you…

Derek: he wasn't.

Wyatt: He left you in an elevator bleeding out on your own. After hitting you brutally. I'd not define this like you do, almost like an act of mercy …

Derek: I've never said he was…

Wyatt: but you keep talking like it was not his choice. It was his choice, Derek. He neutralized you and…

Derek: I was there, I know what he did. He played with me, he kept me awake till he finished his job and then left me there. He wanted to kill me slowly and painfully like he was sure I did with his wife. I'm not an idiot, ok?

Wyatt: I'm sure you're not. So why are you giving him credit? The only reason he didn't kill you himself is that you didn't ask for mercy, you didn't try to react or protect yourself. Have you an idea of how long you laid there?

Derek: no

Wyatt: twenty minutes. Twenty minutes from the moment the others realized the elevator was out of order and they found you. What were you thinking?

Derek: nothing… I was just trying to breathe

Wyatt: come on, Derek. You can do better. A man had repeatedly hurt you with a knife, the least you could think was "Fuck, this hurt" (Derek's eyes jump to focus on her face). So?

Derek: it hurt too much to be real. It hurt too much in the while and it hurt too much after. But… I thought of my father, of how he looked after he was shot. I wondered if I looked the same… Pale… Lifeless… And I thought I had to hold on for Meredith, I didn't want to leave her. That's how I survived…

Wyatt: do you mean all the people who die haven't something or someone to fight for?

Derek: I mean… death tempts you in a lot of ways. You need to be careful… (he feels Wyatt's stare on him). Do you know what happens to our brain when we lose too much blood?

Wyatt: no

Derek: we start hallucinating. Mostly good things. And we fall asleep. It happened to me too. I saw…. I saw Meredith. She was in my land, there was a house, a big house. She turned to look at me, she was smiling brightly… So brightly the sun stopped existing. She had a girl in her arms, she was like … her. Only with my eyes. And she was perfect. She was ours. They called me. And then I knew I was dying. I forced myself to open my eyes… and I was drowning in my blood. Meredith and our daughter were better company. But I didn't want to die like my father. And I hold on. Even if every breath I took a knife cut into me. I wanted to scream, but I had no voice left. My body was shutting down and then the doors opened. I heard voices, I heard people pacing around me. And then I felt Meredith by my side. She touched me. I can recognize her fingers everywhere. And from her voice I knew I looked like my dad. I wanted to talk to her but I couldn't. I wanted to touch her back but I couldn't. I know it was Gary Clark who did this to me. I'll never forget those moments, like he looked at me while he… his eyes…. The smell of my blood soaking my clothes… its taste in my mouth. That's what you wanted to hear?

Wyatt: I don't want to hear anything, Derek. I just want to help you. All these feelings and remembers are dragging you down. You think you can heal better shutting them down. But it's not true. The only thing I want is that you are ready to face him in two days. Because, you can believe me or not, you could break down after meeting him. Even if you say differently, in your head, in your heart, you expect him to apologize, to tell you it was the greatest mistake of his life. What if it wasn't? What if he's just trying to save some months or years of jail?

Derek: how can I know if I don't meet him?

Wyatt: you can't… But is this so important to you?

Derek: yeah… I need to know. I need to hear it from his lips. And I don't mind if… (he lets out a gasp)

Wyatt: you're scared? (he nods getting up and he walks slowly to the door) Fear is human, Derek. You have to face the man who nearly killed you. But I have the feeling that there's more than this. I have the feeling you and Meredith haven't told me everything about this story. And this disappoints me a bit (he turns around to face her).

Derek: I'm sorry. Gary Clark nearly killed me but someone covered him up. Someone tried to take advantage from him. And that someone is still working here. I want to meet him even for this: I want the truth on her task in this thing.

Wyatt: her? (she looks thoughtful for a moment) Oh… It took some time but the puzzle is complete now. I guess you're talking about the girl who broke the needle in your arm…

Derek: how do you know?

Wyatt: I am ashamed to admit it but… I overheard the conversation Meredith had with her in the toilet…

Derek: you are full of resources…

Wyatt: keep that in mind… and good luck

Derek: bye (he leaves)

* * *

Sloan and Alex are in a conference room staring at Isabel Swanson's face.

Mark: we have to take tissue from her thighs in order to replace this (he's pointing at her face)

Alex: what about the bone?

Mark: I was thinking to replace it with a prosthesis.

Alex: a prosthesis to cover half of her face? (Mark turns to look at him offended)

Mark: first rule: don't doubt your attending. I know what I do.

Alex: I didn't mean you don't, it's just that this looks too much to fix

Mark: her face is easy to fix. The problem is to restore her nerves, her feelings. And this is not on us luckily. Derek will try to do it.

Alex: I thought she was coming in two weeks…

Mark: she is

Alex: and how do you think Sheperd can operate on her? He is still in the hospital as a patient

Mark: that's what I'm going to discuss with the chief. Now.

Alex: I wait for you here.

Mark: no, you come with me (Alex looks doubtful). Don't you know that residents can take in part in official meetings?

Alex: I didn't

Mark: well, now you know. Just keep your mouth shut (they cross the hall and Mark knocks at Webber's office. There is no answer but he goes in)

Richard: have I told you to come in?

Mark: no sir but I saw you were in

Richard: busy.

Mark: right… But this is about Swanson's case and it's pretty important.

Richard: and I told you I'm busy. I have a huge problem and I have no time now. See you at 15 (Mark looks hurt, Alex looks amused. They leave)

Mark: do you find this funny?

Alex: to be true, sir, I do. He doesn't kick only our asses after all…

* * *

Owen and Reed are drinking a coffee walking through the corridors.

Owen: so, these are my rules. What do you think?

Reed: I can live with them.

Owen: good (his pager sounds and Reed's too. They read them) Trauma coming. 12 years old girl.

Reed: mine says the same

Owen: sure… You're my resident. When I'm paged, you're too. Welcome to trauma (they run to the ER and wear the yellow coats. The ambulance arrives and the paramedic jumps out)

Paramedic: girl, 12. She fell with her bike during a race. Trauma to the left side. Apparently she is starting to have troubles with her legs, unresponsiveness and prickling. Parents are on their way. She is Emily.

Owen: thanks (they wheel her in a visit room). Emily, can you hear me?

Emily: yeah… it hurts

Owen: we are taking care of you, right? (he turns to Reed) Tell a nurse to page Nelson stat, please. Then come here (Reed goes out for a moment, Owen starts visiting the girl and then the resident comes back). Ok, Emily… I'm doctor Hunt and this is Doctor Reed.

Emily: hi, nice to meet you

Owen: nice to meet you too. Can you tell me what happened? (he starts filling the chart and gestures Reed to visit the girl)

Emily: we were racing and I was too fast at the dish. I crushed against the barricades.

Reed: are you racing with other girls?

Emily: boys… I'm the only girl who likes bikes.

Owen: you're brave (Reed touches her side)

Emily: ahi..

Reed: sorry…. The left side is crushed. There is no evidence of internal damages but it's better to run a CT.

Owen: good. But we have to wait for Nelson (the door opens and Nelson enters with Meredith)

Nelson: you paged?

Owen: yeah… Emily fell with her bike. She was good but she started to be unresponsive in the legs. I think you should take a look.

Nelson: did you order a CT?

Owen: yes

Nelson: we'll see that then (he goes out leaving them all there stunned. Meredith eyes Owen and the follows Nelson)

Owen: ok… (he looks bewildered). Let's go.

Emily: I don't like him. You are nicer (Owen smiles at her and they go. They get in front of the elevator just in time to see it closing with Nelson inside and Meredith out. Meredith looks up and then pushes the other elevator's button)

Owen: hey… did you piss him off?

Meredith: yeah, when I got married to Derek.

Owen: what…

Meredith: never mind (the elevator opens and they go in)

Emily: was this Derek his best friend or something? (Meredith looks puzzled)

Meredith: do you like novels?

Emily: yeah (she smiles widely)

Meredith: welcome to Seattle Grace

* * *

Cristina and Teddy arrive in a patient's room. The man is with his wife.

Teddy: Mr. Haw, welcome back!

Man: thank you, doctor

Teddy: how are you feeling?

Man: good, since the first surgery I've been really better (he smirks). In all ways (Teddy blushes for a moment)

Teddy: good to know. This is my resident, Dr. Yang. She will assist me in your surgery and prep you. Any questions?

Wife: this surgery, is it safe, right? (Teddy looks at Cristina)

Teddy: Dr. Yang?

Yang: it's a routine procedure. We are going to insert stents in his arteries to prevent them from closing up. It's a laparoscopic surgery.

Wife: what does this mean?

Man: no cutting, darling. Am I right?

Cristina: yes sir. You'll have just five stitches for a few days. In a couple of days you'll be home.

Wife: good

Teddy: ok… so, Dr. Yang… Run the usual tests and let me know if everything is fine. If it is, we'll schedule your surgery asap.

Man: thank you

Teddy: have a nice day (the two doctors go out)

Cristina: do you know him?

Teddy: yes, he came here one month ago for a heart distress and we made a bye pass. Now he's here for stents.

Cristina: smoker?

Teddy: no… He abused with blue pills and his arteries worsened a lot

Cristina: blue pills?

Teddy: yeah. Do you have a problem with that?

Cristina: no but… I mean… he's in his 60s and…

Teddy: he still has a sexual life. And, for the record, blue pills are for middle aged men with problems (she handles Cristina the chart). See you later (she goes away and Cristina stays in the corridor looking at her going far)

Cristina: welcome to cardio, Dr. Yang. Thank you, Dr. Altman.

* * *

Meredith arrives in Derek's room to find the bed empty. A frown appears on her face when she checks her clock. Then she hears noises coming from the bathroom. She knocks to the door and goes in without waiting for an answer. She sees Derek sitting on the toilet, the t-shirt half off.

Meredith: hey… what are you doing?

Derek: trying to get this thing off (she gets closer a rakes a hand through his hair)

Meredith: why?

Derek: I wanted to take a shower but… (he breaths out, Meredith leans to kiss him)

Meredith: let's do it

Derek: what? (she gestures him to stand up and, when he has, she takes off his shirt. The bandages are gone but she doesn't pay attention). Mer… (she takes off her shirt too)

Meredith: I have free time for lunch, ok? If you want to have a shower I can help. If you want me to call you a nurse, I'll do it.

Derek: I don't want a nurse

Meredith: that's good. Because it could be bad to my ego if you preferred a nurse to me (she smiles and opens the water in the shower trying to get the right temperature). Here we are… (she turns around and Derek takes off his pants and boxers gripping the sink for support. He goes in the shower and after some seconds she joins him) How is it?

Derek: good… (water sprays down his body, his hair plastered to his scalp, she handles him his shampoo but he doesn't take it. Without saying anything, Meredith starts to wash his hair, messaging his scalp, his neck. She then proceeds to cover him with soap, starting from his shoulders, going on with his chest and stomach. She doesn't hesitate when she passes her hands on the scars even if, seeing them, her heart clenches painfully. Its' the first time she takes a full look of him. Stitches and tubes and wires have left permanent signs on his body, on his neck, in his sides. He looks much more thinner than she remembered, his ribs can easily be counted through his skin. And she can see where the knife pierced them and left a step that only time will heal. Derek stands still, his eyes closed, his hands towards the wall for support. He flinches sometimes at the contact but Meredith can feel his muscles relax a bit.. She lingers in her movements knowing he needs this intimacy more than washing, she takes care that no part of his body is left untouched by her hands. She turns him around to wash his back too. She realizes his muscles are more tensed there and her hands hesitate on the knots under his skin)

Meredith: how is it? (he doesn't answer but turns around to face her. His hands go on her hips. His eyes lower to her belly which shows a little bump. He puts a hand on it stroking it tenderly). It's growing…

Derek: it is. I hadn't realized through your clothes (he messages her skin slowly). I miss you.

Meredith: I miss you too (she hugs him under the faucet till she realizes he is shivering a bit). It's getting cold in here (she lets him go and opens the shower. She puts a towel around her body and takes another for him). Come out (Derek exits the shower and Meredith covers him with the towel, he has him sit on the toilet, she messages his body to dry his skin). How do you feel?

Derek: clean.

Meredith: that's good (he breaths out and Meredith raises his chin to meet his eyes)

Derek: I feel awful Mer... I have lost weight and tonus. I must look like… a scarecrow.

Meredith: you don't. You look like Derek. Only a little thinner. We'll take care of this when you come home. I'll cook all the things you've always refused to eat and I'll get you fatter. We'll grow fatter together (he smiles at her and stands up swaying a bit on his legs). Take it easy.

Derek: I want to go home.

Meredith: I want you home too. But now let's get dressed, ok? (he nods sitting back on the toilet and Meredith takes his clean clothes. She helps him wearing a new t-shirt and a pair of pants. She then takes a towel and wets his hair. She fixes it by her hands and, when she's done, she rolls the towel around his neck). It's still wet. Take this for some minute, ok?

Derek: ok… I wait for you in my room (he kisses her on the cheek and exits the bathroom. Meredith starts to dress. Derek is walking slowly towards his bed when the door opens and Richard and Bailey comes in. A frown appears on Miranda's forehead when she notices he's just coming out from the shower)

Bailey: you promised not to do it on your own

Derek: I didn't indeed…

Bailey: and who… (the door of the toilet opens to reveal Meredith, her hair still wet too). Grey?

Meredith: I was in lunch time. I helped him (an embarrassed silence fills the room)

Richard: ok…. Did you put bandages on?

Meredith: no. We've just finished.

Richard: we'll fix him later. Meredith, do you mind… (he trails off not finishing the sentence, Meredith understands she needs to leave and goes to the door)

Derek: why?

Richard: it's work related, Derek. Nothing personal.

Meredith: I'll come back later, ok?

Derek: ok… Thank you (she smiles at him and closes the door behind her). What's this about? Is there something wrong in the CT?

Bailey: no. But we're not here for this.

Richard: sit, Derek (Sheperd sits on his bed). I'm really disappointed to tell you this… I've tried to reason but… My hands are tied (he handles him a paper. Derek takes it, he quickly reads and handles him back to Richard. He lays on his back. Richard and Bailey share a worried look). So?

Derek: let me know when I have to report.

Bailey: that's all you've got to say?

Derek: what should I say? It's clear that the board doesn't trust my professional judgment anymore. Good to know.

Richard: Derek…

Derek: could you tell a nurse to arrange my bandages on your way out, please? (Richard breaths out and leaves the room)

Bailey: it's not his fault.

Derek: it's nobody's fault, Miranda. But I don't think I can handle this anymore.

Bailey: what do you mean?

Derek: could you leave me alone, please? It's been a tiring day (Bailey goes out, Webber is waiting for her out)

Richard: is he mad at me?

Bailey: no. I think he is exhausted to live like this. And that If the board doesn't change its demeanor towards Kepner, it's Sheperd we are going to lose (she leaves, Richard stays there looking through the window)

* * *

Meredith joins Owen, Reed and Nelson in the scrub room. The neuro surgeon gives her a curious look.

Nelson: do you use to swim in your lunch time, Dr. Grey? (Meredith ignores his comment, Owen looks at his college stunned)

Meredith: no. Sometimes I take a shower. You know, it's important for a doctor to take care of her own hygiene.

Nelson: holy words. Are you ready? (she has finished to wash her hands and she keeps them in front of her eyes)

Meredith: yeah

Nelson: because I forgot to drink my coffee and I wondered if you minded to go… (he trails off not finishing and Meredith leaves the room without waiting for further indications). Take me one… (he sends Owen an amused look) I hope she remembers I like it with milk and sugar (Reed sees Owen looks mad and goes in the OR leaving the two surgeons alone)

Owen: do you think that was appropriate?

Nelson: what? (he fakes innocence) I asked my intern a coffee before a surgery. I guess you've done it a lot of times.

Owen: not once ready to scrub in. And, most of all, she's not an intern anymore. She's a resident, a neuro resident. Even if she's not yours, it doesn't give you the right to treat her like that (Nelson raises his hands)

Nelson: Hunt… slow down… You're doing a scene when it's not necessary. And, most of all, it's you who is not informed. Her assignment is under investigation.

Owen: what?

Nelson: apparently the resident who was skipped by the brilliant wife didn't take it good. She made appeal and, till the board doesn't hear from Sheperd and takes a decision, Meredith Grey is not a neuro resident (the doors closes to reveal Meredith standing there with a cup of coffee. She looks frozen. She puts the cup on the bin and opens the door to leave). Dr. Grey, our surgery is starting.

Meredith: I step down from the case. I guess you won't mind, sir (she leaves and Owen follows her)

Owen: Grey… Meredith (she turns around and Owen sees she's crying)

Meredith: did you know?

Owen: no. But you don't need to worry. The decision Sheperd took is sacrosanct. Nobody can except this.

Meredith: Someone has already. And now I'm not in the mood for surgery (she goes away)

Cristina finds Altman in the lobby.

Cristina: Dr. Altman…

Altman: yeah

Cristina: I have Mr. Raw's results.

Altman: good. Is he ready for surgery?

Cristina: yes. Everything looks fine.

Altman: have you already told him?

Cristina: no. I wanted to inform you before.

Altman: but you booked an Or, right?

Cristina: did I have to?

Altman: you're a resident, now. If you think that our patient is ready to have surgery, you can schedule it and then tell me. It's the good part of being a cardio resident. You're independent, you take choices and responsibilities. Are you fine with that?

Cristina: perfectly. It's just that you didn't point it out this morning and I thought you preferred to be updated like before.

Altman: of course I do. But before or after… it doesn't matter. Go to the patient and tell him you'll perform his surgery in an hour (Cristina looks at her surprised) I booked an OR myself (Cristina turns on her heels and then stops abruptly. She goes back looking at Teddy)

Cristina: sorry sir. Did you said I'll perform?

Altman: yeah. It's a simple procedure. Have you never done it?

Cristina: no

Altman: well… consider it my welcome gift. I'm not a fancy person. I don't like parties and things like that. See you in the OR, doctor Yang… (she leaves and Cristina starts to walk towards the patient's room. Her walking becomes soon a run)

* * *

Mark and Alex enter Derek's room. He is laying in the bed reading a magazine.

Mark: hey man… You're still wasting your time…

Derek: I'm trying to rest. Which is quite impossible in here. What do I owe the disturb? (Mark takes a chair and sits near the bed eyeing him suspiciously)

Mark: did Big Grey kick your ass?

Derek: no, Mark. What do you want?

Mark: Isabel Swanson, our shiny case. Do you remember?

Derek: of course I do.

Mark: you told me to update you. Here I am. She's coming here in two weeks and I wanted to give you the documents to read.

Derek: why?

Mark: as you agreed to be her surgeon, maybe?

Derek: I don't think I will be.

Mark: what? What's wrong with you?

Derek: nothing. But I don't think I'll surgeon anything

Alex: I'll wait out, ok? (Alex leaves them alone)

Mark: so?

Derek: can you leave me alone?

Mark: no. Did you fight with Meredith?

Derek: no

Mark: with the chief?

Derek: no. I just won't be your partner in the surgery, ok?

Mark: why?

Derek: maybe because I can't even stand?

Mark: but it's going to be in three - four weeks

Derek: and I'll probably be still a patient. I can't Mark. It's a tough surgery. It would be the first since... it would be difficult even at the top of my game, I can't do it. It's too risky and you believe in it. So I think it's better you find someone else. I can call...

Mark: I want you! You're the best and we are a good team. Do you need one more week? I think I can give you that

Derek: I need some months, not some week. I'm sorry. I know I told you I was in but I overestimated my healing process. I'm out, Mark. Seriously

Mark: fine (he stands up and storms out of the room)

* * *

The residents are in the locker room. The humor is really good and they are exchanging impressions about their first day.

Cristina: I made a surgery, all on my own!

Reed: did you?

Cristina: yes!

Reed: it's great!

Avery: fly down, Cristina. Or your head will blow for high pressure…

Alex: it already has….

Avery: I didn't have a solo surgery but the day was good. I start feeling like a surgeon.

Alex: we're not the bottom of the chain anymore… Have you seen Meredith?

Cristina: no

Reed: she was going out some minutes ago

Cristina: I go to join her (she leaves, from the catwalk she sees Meredith going out) Mer! (Meredith turns around and stops. Cristina goes down the stairs to meet her). Hey! I was waiting for you upstairs to celebrate! It's been a beautiful day! Teddy let me do the surgery and I rocked (she notices her sad expression). What? Did Shadow Sheperd suck again?

Meredith: haven't you heard?

Cristina: what? Is Derek fine?

Meredith: I don't know. He was last time I saw him. But I guess he'll be mad now.

Cristina: did you fight?

Meredith: no… it's just April resorted against assignments. I'm quite of suspended…

Cristina: she's got a nerve!

Meredith: she has… I'm just tired, you know… All this story is sucking the life out of me. And Derek… he must be frustrated…

Cristina: why don't you go to him?

Meredith: he's already stressed. He doesn't need a wife whining on him.

Cristina: maybe he doesn't need his wife whining. But he needs his wife. Move (she takes Meredith's elbow and drags her towards Derek's room)

Meredith: hey! Why are you so careful about Derek's wishes now?

Cristina: because even he's a moron you love him.

Meredith: he's not…

Cristina: he is, he is. Nicer lately, but always a moron. Here we are (they stop in front of the door)

Meredith: don't you come?

Cristina: me?

Meredith: just for a minute… Please (Cristina breaths out and opens the door. They both go in)

Derek: hey

Meredith: hi

Derek: I thought you went home…

Meredith: no. We were wasting time talking about the first day (she sits on the bed)

Derek: I'm sorry yours didn't go how you expected (he strokes her cheek)

Meredith: everything is gonna be fine. And I want my first day to be with you. By now… I contented to share her excitement…

Derek: how many people did you cut today?

Cristina: just one. But I feel for others if you want to lend your body to science… (Meredith giggles)

Derek: no thanks. You experienced too much on me. Are you going out to celebrate?

Meredith: with carrots juice? No thanks. It's better I go home.

Derek: and rest. You look tired. Maybe today's shower was not a good idea.

Cristina: did you have a dirty shower? Here, in the hospital?

Meredith: it was nothing dirty…

Cristina: if you say so…

Meredith: I do (she stands up). You need to rest too. See you tomorrow, ok?

Derek: but it's your free day…

Meredith: indeed. I'll spend it with my husband (she leans and kisses him). Good night

Derek: good night

* * *

Mark goes towards Richard's office. He's already in his street clothes. He meets Bailey on the way.

Bailey: the chief's busy

Mark: he's always busy. But I have to give him this (he waves a file). Two minutes and I'll go out.

Bailey: so you're doing it… the impossible surgery.

Mark: seriously… I don't know. Derek stepped down and without him… I don't know (he rakes his hand through his hair). Maybe Webber knows someone who is skillful enough to try.

Bailey: there are a lot of good neuro surgeons. Half of them would give a hand to take part in that.

Mark: you're not surprised. Why?

Bailey: as I'm Bailey. I know everything (Mark puts a hand on his hip)

Mark: Derek's CT was today… Is everything fine?

Bailey: all considering, it is. But he's not superman. His body needs time to heal like any other. Your plan is… ambitious. Fool to a certain extent. And Sheperd knows its limits. If he says no, you should hear him out.

Mark: it's not about the surgery (a frown appears on Bailey's face). Ok, it's for the surgery too. But the fact is that he looked… I don't know… defeated…. He is a fighter. He's not a baby who cries on himself.

Bailey: maybe he needs time to process things.

Mark: what things?

Bailey: everything, Sloan. Everything (her cell beeps). I'd like to stay here all night chatting with you but my son is waiting for me. Good night.

Mark: good night (he goes to Richard's office and knocks. He hears a muffled sound who invites him to go in)

Richard: Dr. Sloan…

Mark: chief… I just wanted to give you this (he lays the file on his desk). It's Swanson's report.

Richard: are we ready to welcome her?

Mark: we were (Webber's eyes go on him). I need you to find me a neuro surgeon, a badass who is going to try this.

Richard: I thought Derek had agreed…

Mark: he had. But today he backed off. Do you know why?

Richard: I have a suspect.

Mark: that's to say?

Richard: we have a bureaucratic issue with Grey's assignment (Mark's eyes are fixed on him). Not that bureaucratic to tell the truth. Kepner appealed (Sloan's jaw tightens)

MarK: no wonder he feels defeated. Nice job (he leaves)

* * *

_Sometimes things just happen._

_No matter how much we fight and scream and kick._

_They get into us like a train and leave us in shreds._

_It's the unescapable, something you see but you can't avoid._

_But that doesn't mean it hurts us less._


	22. IN THE EYES OF THE DEVIL

_**In the eyes of the devil**_

* * *

_I like reality dramas, crime shows… Stuff like that…_

_I like when people try to enter the mind of a serial killer to get why they do what they do, what makes them different from us: is it how they grow up? Is it an inner nature, to kill and do harm?_

_I felt compassion for William Dunn. But now I get why._

_He didn't harm me. He didn't hurt a person I love. I thought he was just a person who lost his track._

_Gary Clark… another story…._

* * *

Derek wakes up with a start, a hint of sweat on his forehead. He breaths heavily, a hand on his chest to fight the pain radiating from his breast bone. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again he sees Richard sitting on the couch.

Richard: are you ok? (Derek nods, still panting). I guess a bad dream…

Derek: yeah

Richard: does it happen often?

Derek: sometimes… What can I do for you?

Richard: I just wanted to make sure you didn't change your mind… (Derek shakes his head slightly) What does Dr. Wyatt say about this?

Derek: I don't think it's your business (his voice is sharp and Richard looks offended, he stands up to leave). I'm sorry… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be... It's just that I'm… (Richard turns around to look at him). She says I can do it. It won't be easy, but I can.

Richard: it's so soon, Derek. Why can't you wait some more?

Derek: waiting won't change things. And I want to put this all behind of me (Webber is about to speak). Don't try to tell me off, please. I don't need that right now. I need to believe I can do it. You telling me the contrary just… But I won't back off.

Richard: I won't do either. I'll meet you at Caldwell at 14.00 . I have some business to settle in town and I'll see you there. The lawyer will come to pick you up. And you have to report to the board at 17.30 . I tried to move it but…

Derek: it's fine. If I can survive meeting Gary Clark, I can survive your committee too (Richard smiles and he's about to leave). Do I have to be worried? (Richard stares at him) For Kepner's assessments… (Webber breaths out)

Richard: seriously… I don't know. This thing is out of control Derek. The board is afraid of a scandal and I can't say what they're thinking. I'm with you. All your colleges are with you.

Derek: but you don't know if it will be enough…

Richard: unfortunately not… Can I ask you something? (Derek doesn't answer) What if they imposed Kepner to you? To us? (Derek's eyes move away, avoiding Richard's) Derek…

Derek: I don't know (Richard nods and leaves the room)

* * *

Alex enters the kitchen finding Meredith and Cristina having breakfast. Cristina is sipping her coffee quietly looking at a newspaper, Meredith is literally choking herself with food. Alex eyes her and then sits near Yang.

Alex: what's wrong with her? Is she trying to enter the Guinness for the most pizzas eaten in five minutes?

Cristina: she's just nervous. Don't pay attention (Meredith stands up to take her plate to the sink. Midway the dish falls from her hands and ends up in shreds)

Alex: what the hell…

Meredith: sorry…. Sorry (she looks feverish for he broom. Finding nothing, she bends on her knees to collect the glass)

Alex: Mer… don't (he pushes her aside). Let me… Do you want to cut your precious hands?

Meredith: it's not that I'm gonna use them today.

Alex: why? Still that stupid Kepner thing? (Meredith sits and bites a cake. Cristina talks, her eyes still on her reading)

Cristina: yep. That on top of Derek going to Caldwell meeting Gary Clark. She's off today. Waiting for the decision of the grand jury.

Alex: Sheperd will kick their ass. Don't worry.

Cristina: I guess she's more worried of Sheperd coming back crying like a baby

Alex: is he going by himself? (Cristina shrugs)

Meredith: the chief will go with him.

Cristina: he's back to be daddy's favorite. (Meredith puts her cake down)

Meredith: I'm full

Alex: I started to fear you'd have never said that… (she picks up her bag) Where are you going?

Meredith: to the hospital. See you there (she leaves)

Alex: hasn't she said that she was off?

Cristina: do what I do. Ignore her. Pregnant woman. She changes her mind every five seconds. No wonder she will be back in three minutes (silence fills the room, Alex is chewing a piece of cake. Suddenly the front door opens and Meredith rushes upstairs). What did I tell you?

Alex: Crap… She'll stink everything with her vomit. I had to brush my teeth… (Cristina searches absent mindedly in her bag without diverting her eyes from the newspaper. She takes out a small purse and handles it to Alex) What's that?

Cristina: portable tooth brush kit. I saw it yesterday at the market. And I thought to buy you one. Don't feel in need to thank me.

* * *

April is in a supply closet. She is arranging and listing a lot of stuff. Reed and Avery come in.

Reed: hey, good morning

April: hi

Avery: you were early this morning…

April: yeah. I had some stuff to do (Reed shares a shy look with Avery and then clears her throat)

Reed: so… rumors are true. You resorted (April doesn't answer, Reed looks at Avery)

Avery: do you seriously think you were screwed?

April: I don't expect you understand.

Reed: but we want to. We are friends. And I'd like to stop you from making a huge mistake…

April: that would be? (Reed breaths out, defeated)

Avery: you're bringing disapproval on you from every attending in this hospital, not to talk about the others.

April: that's not a news. I don't think anything will worsen…

Avery: but April (he takes her elbow and let her look at him)… There was nothing wrong in Sheperd's decision. I know it, you know it (April lingers a moment looking at them)

April: so Grey took you on her side…

Avery: this is not a war, April. I get you're disappointed. I'd be pissed too if I wasn't accepted in the specialty I chose. But you can't seriously think Sheperd chose her on you because she's his wife.

April: why then?

Avery: I…. (he opens his arms and let them fall)

Reed: I don't want to be rude to you. But she is good in neuro.

April: I'm too. I've already told you. I don't expect that you get my reasons. I just want to see through this story. If the board will think the decision was clear and detached, I'll step down.

Avery: do you really think Sheperd would take you aboard after that?

April: why not?

Reed: you criticized his judgment and got him a report from the board. And finally… why are you so eager to work with him if you think he sabotaged you for his wife? What kind of a resident you want to be? You should have trust, April. It's clear he doesn't see you in that way. Maybe it's not that bad he didn't pick you.

April: he would have if…

Avery: what?

April: nothing… nothing… I'm done here. See you later (she takes her basin and leaves)

* * *

Bailey enters Derek's room. The toilet's door is open and she sees him there shaving in front of the mirror.

Bailey: hey… I was told you were cocky. I didn't think like that… (she gestures towards the hair products on the shelf leaning against the door frame). Do you use all that stuff?

Derek: Meredith thinks my hair needs to be cuddled (he is shaving his left cheek). Is this your turn?

Bailey: for what?

Derek: to check on me… First Richard, then there's a nurse who goes on and off every thirty seconds taking a furtive glance inside. Now the mother of all spies. I'm not going to cut my wrists.

Bailey: that I know. It doesn't mean anyway you're fine (Derek's breath hitches in his throat, the shaver falls in the sink and he bends on himself, his hands on the sides of the basin for support) What's wrong? (she puts a hand on his back to feel him tensing)

Derek: I…

Bailey: sit… now (she leads him to sit on the toilet, he has a hand on his side) Where does it hurt? (his eyes are closed and he breaths in and out slowly, color has faded from his face, a cold sweat has appeared on his forehead)

Derek: it was just a throe … It's gone

Bailey: why are you still not breathing then? (her tone is sharp but she softens to look at him). I bring you some water (she goes out and comes back a minute later with a glass of water, she handles it to him and he drinks)

Derek: thank you (he stands up weakly, his back straightening slowly and painfully)

Bailey: how long have you been standing?

Derek: half an hour I think…

Bailey: it's better you go back to bed.

Derek: I haven't… (on his face there is a remaining of after shave)

Bailey: you'll take care of that later. Now you need to sit (her arm is around his waist and she helps him to bed). That's why you shouldn't be allowed to go home by yourself…

Derek: why… Will you finally release me?

Bailey: the CT wasn't that bad. I think we can discuss it in a week. Only if we get where these pains come from. Lift it (she points to his shirt wearing her stethoscope. He discovers his chest snorting and she hears him out). Everything looks good…. (she starts to touch his abdomen, a grimace appears on Derek's face)

Derek: hey (he stops her hand)

Bailey: your stomach is in knots. Is it stress or are you feeling like that normally?

Derek: it's usual but today… (she breaths out and goes to the door)

Bailey: we'll make further checks tomorrow. Good luck today, Derek.

Derek: thanks

Bailey: and, for everything, you know… I'm here (she leaves)

* * *

Owen is going into the hospital. It's raining and he keeps his coat on his head to repair. He's walking fast but stops to look around when he hears his name called. Water splashes on his eyes and he can't see much.

Man: Owen… (surprise paints his face recognizing the man in front of him)

Owen: uncle?

Man: it's been a long time… (the man gets closer and lifts an arm to hug him, Owen makes a step back). Hey… your welcome is coldest than the air…

Owen: what do you want?

Man: I've been in jail for the last three years. I just wanted to make sure you and your mum were fine. I went to see her. She's great.

Owen: and worried that you reappeared on her door. A phone call would have been enough to make sure we're fine. What do you want?

Man: what do I have the impression you're not happy to see me?

Owen: because you show up just when you need something. Money usually. And I don't want you to come close to my house again.

Man: you made it pretty clear. Every evening you check on the estate like we were in Iraq. This is not Iraq, son. Relax.

Owen: this is not Iraq but there is someone dangerous too. Were you taking a look or wanted to come in for a coffee? I warn you… don't try anything with mum. She's scared. That's why I went back home. If you…

Man: hey hey… threatens are a little bit out of line, ok? I just wanted to talk to you. That's why I came here…

Owen: my shift starts in ten minutes. I can't now.

Man: do you have lunch or hot surgeons starve? (Owen looks thoughtful)

Owen: I'll see you at 13 in the bar around the corner.

Man: I thought you doctors attended the Emerald.

Owen: we do. That's why we're going somewhere else (he leaves entering the hospital's doors)

* * *

Webber is at the ambulance bay with Avery. Bailey joins them.

Bailey: doctor Avery…

Avery: doctor Bailey

Bailey: Chief… are you stealing my cases now?

Webber: they are mine too. I'm going back to be a surgeon in a few time, I told to page me whenever something comes in. What are you, scared of competition? (Bailey giggles)

Bailey: not of yours. Anyway… I thought you were busy today…

Webber: this afternoon. This morning… I just want to distract. Where is your resident? (Bailey looks at her pager and composes April's name once more)

Bailey: apparently she already feels in neuro. She's snubbing my pages since this morning… (Webber snorts). Have you seen her, doctor Avery?

Avery: earlier she was in a supply closet to fix things… I haven't seen her since then.

Bailey: I'll give her a punishment if she doesn't come here in three minutes (Avery looks away embarrassed, silence falls amongst them). I went to see Derek before. He has started to feel sharp pains to the abdomen.

Richard: you said CT was good

Bailey: it was. That doesn't mean he has healed. And stress is winning its game too.

Richard: I know. I went to him too. This thing will never end. If today didn't go well, do you think he might… (he stops realizing Avery is still there and Kepner is coming closer)

Bailey: what?

Richard: nothing. I'm just worried. Dr. Kepner…

April: chief…

Bailey: finally. I've been paging you for an hour.

April: I'm sorry. I left my pager in the locker room. What have we got?

Richard: dark code.

April: I'm sorry… what does that mean?

Richard: Dr. Avery?

Avery: paramedics haven't communicated anything yet. So it's black as we don't know what's about.

Richard: good… Hasn't Dr. Bailey given you the general's protocol? (Miranda's stare is fixed on April)

April: yes, sir

Richard: why didn't you mind to read it?

April: I thought I could wait till my assignment…

Bailey: your assignment was established five days ago. You may not like it, but since things don't change, if (she puts emphasis on this word) they do change, you must be ready to work with us. You should know the protocol by heart by now.

April: I'm sorry (the ambulance noise fills the space)

Richard: they're coming. Keep your eyes open and be ready. All of you.

* * *

Meredith enters Derek's room to find him in bed.

Meredith: good morning…

Derek: hi (Meredith gets closer and realizes he has shaved half of his face. She sits on the bed stroking his cheeks, a frown on her face)

Meredith: are you deciding if you prefer the smooth look or the macho one?

Derek: something like that. I thought to let my wife decide…

Meredith: well… I like macho Derek. A lot. But since you shaved a half of your face, I'd go on. And then… macho Derek in the hospital is dangerous. I want to have him all for me at home.

Derek: ok then… Could you bring me the shaver please? I'll finish the job

Meredith: sure (she stands up and goes to the toilet, she realizes the mess in the sink and gets something happened in the morning. She picks all the necessary and goes back, a small smile plastered on her face. She sits back on the bed) Here we go…

Derek: it was nothing… in the toilet. I was making my toiletry by myself and I got a little tired. Nothing happened.

Meredith: ok…

Derek: will you help me to get boring and good guy looking?

Meredith: that's why I came for… (she starts to put the shaving cream on his face)

Derek: I thought you're off today…

Meredith: I am… This is not my round…

Derek: I hope not. Shaving hot men is not good for my wife…

Meredith: you're the only one I want to shave. And the only one who dares to let me shave his face… (she has started to shave him)

Derek: why? You're hands are magic even in that… You're delicate and self confident at the same time…

Meredith: you're flattering me, doctor Sheperd

Derek: no hope, Dr. Grey. I'm just telling the truth (she dries his cheeks with a towel). Am I still worth a kiss?

Meredith: don't know

Derek: just to make sure my skin is smooth enough (she leans ahead and they share a kiss on the lips, a quick one. Then a more passionate). How was the test?

Meredith: perfect… I love you… do you know that?

Derek: yeah… I do too.

Meredith: whatever will happen today… in Caldwell and then with the board….. I love you. Don't you forget about that (Derek's eyes become lucid) Derek… (he strokes her face with his thumb)

Derek: I know… It's just… You didn't deserve this, Meredith.

Meredith: nothing has happened yet. For the moment it's a problem between you and the board. Between you and a resident. And I'm just another resident. What would you do if it wasn't me?

Derek: I would go in there and bark at everyone. And maybe in the end…

Meredith: what?

Derek: tell them to go to hell

Meredith: that sounds a lot like you. Do it then.

Derek: I won't compromise your career to have a personal satisfaction

Meredith: you won't compromise anything. And, since you're my husband, I can tell you. I wouldn't go in neuro if I had Nelson as a tutor. You're my first choice, then anyone else. Not him. I can't work with someone who doesn't appreciate my skills and hates you.

Derek: there are a lot of people who dislike me, Mer. You should come into terms with that.

Meredith: I'll do it. Not soon anyway.

* * *

Cristina sees Owen sitting alone at the cafeteria. He has some coffee cups in front of him. She sits there holding hers.

Cristina: hey…

Owen: hey

Cristina: bad sleep?

Owen: no, good. Bad morning…

Cristina: I thought your shift started at 8.30…

Owen: it did

Cristina: so twenty minutes have already knocked you down?

Owen: it wasn't work… (he lifts his eyes to meet hers) My uncle was here waiting for me this morning…

Cristina: where? Here, in the hospital?

Owen: outside… He was waiting for me outside. And from what he told me, I got he has been checking on my mother's home for some day.

Cristina: checking like spying?

Owen: yeah… he knows I'm sleeping there. And that I work here.

Cristina: you look worried… What did he want?

Owen: I don't know. I was kind of late and I dismissed him. We're going to meet for lunch.

Cristina: do you want me to come?

Owen: no (he laughs). The last thing I want is that my uncle gets in touch with other people I love. I think I can handle him, tell him to go the hell away…

Cristina: you could give him some money…

Owen: no. He would never have enough. It's better to cut relationships. Prevent problems (Cristina looks at him, Owen realizes she is doubtful, she looks worried). I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess. You don't need to worry. We have been dealing with him for a lifetime. Three days and he will be gone (he takes her hand, stretched on the table. She smiles).

Cristina: how is it going with your resident?

Owen: good. She is enthusiastic (Cristina pinches his palm) Ouch (he pulls his hand back)

Cristina: too enthusiastic…

Owen: what? What are you jealous?

Cristina: I'm not… I was just trying to focus the situation. She looked really adamant in pleasing you… (she is drinking her coffee looking around)

Owen: do you think I could be interested in someone else?

Cristina: you tell me (Owen's lips curl in a smile, he stands up, lifts Cristina from her chair and kisses her passionately in the middle on the cafeteria. She lets her cup falling on the ground. The liquid soaks her scrub pants and she backs off). What the hell was that?

Owen: A kiss… (he leans to talk into her ear) I was marking my territory…. (he straightens with a smirk) You can't go into the OR with those pants, Dr. Yang. Go and change them. See you later (he walks towards the exit where Cristina sees Reed waiting for him)

Cristina: ass… (he waves his hand in response without turning around)

* * *

Richard, Bailey and their residents are working frantically on their patient.

Bailey: what the hell is wrong with this city lately? Gunshots, stab wounds, attacks… This is not the freaking Bronx…

Richard: apparently it became without we noticed… How is the pressure doctor Avery?

Avery: 50 – 80…

Richard: it's too low. He is losing too much blood. Dr. Kepner?

April: we take him down for a CT?

Bailey: sure. If you want him to bleed out on the way… (she looks at April) We'll bring him in right now.

April: without…

Richard: without. We haven't time. Call the OR and tell them we're coming in three minutes (April goes to the phone on the wall and dials the number)

Avery: sir… he looks like he is waking up… (the guy on the gurney is opening his eyes)

Richard: sir, can you hear me? (there is no response) I'm dr. Webber, you're at Seattle Grace. You were shot. You need a surgery stat and we're bringing you in. Squeeze my hand if you get what I'm saying (the man has closed his eyes again, Richard breaths out. Monitors start to beep)

Bailey: chief…

Richard: I'm ready… Let's go (they wheel him out of the visit room and stop in front of the elevator. April looks nervous and when the doors open she steps in hesitantly. She is fidgeting with her clock, her eyes wander on the walls and then on the floor, she is panting)

Avery: are you ok?

April: I just… don't like… (she closes her eyes) elevators

Richard: I don't like this one anymore. But we have to live with this. There's a patient here, dr. Kepner. Have an hold on yourself.

* * *

Meredith comes back in Derek's room to find him leaning against the bed. He is wearing a pair of jeans and he is straightening a t-shirt. A blue shirt is enfolded on the bed as well. A frown appears on her forehead when she sees his lunch untouched on the nightstand. She gets closer and with a finger realizes it's cold.

Meredith: wasn't it good?

Derek: not that much… And I'm tired of soup (he turns to look at her). And I wasn't that hungry…

Meredith: but you should eat something… (she strokes his bare sides with both hands, he seems to relax a bit) Do you want me to bring you a jello or something?

Derek: no… I'm fine…

Meredith: ok… give me that (she takes his shirt from his hands, she leans a hand on his chest pushing him sitting on the bed. He raises his arms and she puts the t-shirt on. She takes the hem and flattens the fabric. Derek stands up, his hands on her shoulders, Meredith unbuttons his jeans to put the t-shirt inside and then she fixes the button. She takes the shirt from the bed and unbuttons it) It's one of your favorite (she looks into Derek's eyes, he seems unresponsive) and one of mine too (she helps him in the shirt, she fixes button after button, she rolls the sleeves in the way she knows he does when he's home. She can't help noticing he doesn't fit his own clothes like he used to. Jeans falls a little bit on his sides, the bottom seems a little bit emptier than before, the shirt hangs on his shoulders rather than folding them as it used to. She takes a final look and a lump forms in her throat when, looking at his face, she notices a tear rolling down his cheek. She wipes it away with her fingers)

Derek: I'm scared (she takes his hand and squeezes it)

Meredith: I know… and I should be surprised you were not

Derek: what if I can't look at him?

Meredith: nobody could blame you for that (she strokes his face wiping other tears away) You have to do only what you feel up for. Don't feel obliged to do anything… If you get there and suddenly you realize you're not ready… come back. Take your time, Derek. You have to do this for yourself, not for Gary Clark.

Derek: I hate to be like this…

Meredith: you're human. Wide emotions are storming inside of you. Don't keep them in… I'm here… (she hugs him, his face settles in the crock of her neck but his hands are still on his sides, he inhales deeply her scent, she rakes her hand tenderly in his hair). My mum tried to kill herself… when I was a kid… (she feels him tensing in her arms). She slit her wrists in front of me because Richard left her. I was there… looking at her blood pooling in the kitchen floor. But she had told me not to call for help and so… I was sitting there. I've never told anyone. Then I realized this was probably the burden which was dragging me down. And I went in therapy. I was so scared, Derek… I had lost you and I felt lonely. I couldn't sleep and I kept seeing her on the kitchen floor. But once I faced this…. Everything went to place. And I'm here. And you are here. There's nothing we can't face together… ok? (Derek's cheeks are wet with tears, he swallows, his words come out a whisper)

Derek: ok… (she pushes his shoulders to be able to look at him, she kisses away tears, her hand strokes his face, she kisses his forehead rocking him). I love you…

Meredith: I love you too.

* * *

Richard, Bailey and the residents are in the OR.

Bailey: I can't get where the bleeding comes from…

Richard: have you tried the kidney?

Bailey: it's fine. It's just that bullet entered form the left side… how could it come till here?

Richard: technology seems to be improving a lot. Not just for goods things… Do you remember the first bullets you took out?

Bailey: yeah…

Richard: and if I think back at my first years of residency… that's another world Miranda. That's another war. Do you know in my district citizens organize free guards?

Bailey: I guess Adele was one of the promoters (Richard looks at her. Miranda seems to feel his stare on her neck). Yeah… I know. You went back living in our Beverly Hills, in your huge home with your wife. Nice done, chief.

Richard: thanks… it's good to have your approval…

Bailey: and what is your wife doing now? I mean… she doesn't work here anymore. But I don't think she is the type to stay home or go shopping the whole day…

Richard: actually she is busy in fixing the house. She's doing some renewal. Furniture and stuff like that. She's even cleaning up the attic.

Bailey: why? Does she plan to send you upstairs? (Richard giggles)

Richard: really nice… She hopes Derek will come to our house once we release him.

Bailey: why would he?

Richard: Meredith will be busy at the hospital and he'd be home alone. She wants to offer him her company. You know her…

Bailey: yes, I do. That's why I think Derek will never accept. Otherwise… it would be a good idea. He can't certainly go back to that box in the woods.

Richard: I heard he's building a house…

Bailey: yeah… I saw the blueprints sometimes in the lounge. It's good. But I still can't believe how he can live that far, isolated from the rest of the world. I'd be scared just to drive through that road in the dark.

Richard: well… I guess Mr. Kew wasn't afraid to jog in his block till this morning. This is the evidence that crowded places are not always safe.

Bailey: nowhere is safe (she finally pulls the bullet out). Nowhere is safe.

Richard: could you close by yourself?

Bailey: sure

Richard: I need to go if I don't want to be late.

Bailey: see you later chief (he leaves the OR)

* * *

Owen has just steeped out the front door of the hospital. The sky is always cloudy but it's not raining. He meets Teddy.

Teddy: hey… going out for lunch?

Owen: yeah… I was tired of the cafeteria food (he avoids her eyes)

Teddy: you're lying (his eyes snap back)

Owen: excuse me?

Teddy: where are you going?

Owen: Teddy… (she folds her arms on her chest looking straight at him) I'm going at lunch with him…

Teddy: what? Is he here?

Owen: he came this morning

Teddy: it's not safe!

Owen: come on… What do you think he'll do? Punch me?

Teddy: you can't trust him

Owen: that I know… Why do you think I meet him outside the hospital? I want to keep him far (she breaths out) Seriously, Teddy. Thank you for your commitment but I need to go now. I want to put an end to this story as soon as possible (he tries to walk around her but she makes a step aside and stops his path)

Teddy: watch out (he nods and then goes away. Teddy lingers to see him cross the street and turn around the corner, she fixes her coat and steps into the hospital. She sees Cristina running towards her)

Cristina: have you seen Owen?

Teddy: He has just left (she stops at the door looking left and right) He didn't go to the Emerald… Do you have to join him?

Cristina: no… I just wanted to wish him good luck. He looked worried this morning.

Teddy: unfortunately he'll need more than luck to get rid of Sean Hunt… See you upstairs (she leaves, Cristina stares for a moment outside the doors and then goes back)

* * *

Meredith is sitting in the chairs right beside the front door. She is looking in front of her. Dr. Wyatt enters the hospital, she closes her umbrella which is soaked wet.

Wyatt: crap… (she rubs the water away from her hair and coat. When she looks up, she notices Meredith sitting there). Dr. Grey…

Meredith: don't you like rain, do you?

Wyatt: not that much.

Meredith: why do you live here then?

Wyatt: I guess because my husband does. Till now it was a good reason but… (she shrugs) Are you waiting for someone?

Meredith: no…

Wyatt: oh (she sits near Meredith). I didn't see you anymore…

Meredith: I had some day off ad I wanted to spend them with Derek. Today is the day…

Wyatt: I remember… How is he doing? (Meredith breaths out, avoiding her eyes)

Meredith: I'm not really good in the listening thing… He told me he was scared this morning and all I could do was telling him about my mother's attempted suicide … I don't know… it came out before I could stop…

Wyatt: it was a good idea (Meredith sends her a puzzled look). Letting him know you have weaknesses too, you gave him support. It's difficult for you, Meredith. It would be for anyone. You are scared but you don't want to show it. You have to receive confidences and vents and you can't do the same. You should come to talk to me.

Meredith: why?

Wyatt: your husband is leaning on you. He is relying on you in a way he probably had never done before. Usually couples share feelings, but it's a mutual exchange. Now… you are giving more than you're taking. It's normal to need to talk to someone. Do you talk to your friend, Dr. Yang?

Meredith: no… she's not… she… She likes Derek more now but… these things are private. I don't think he wants me to write them on the OR board.

Wyatt: but I know them. You wouldn't break his trust.

Meredith: I don't know if I want therapy now…

Wyatt: it's not therapy. You are not sick or in distress. It's… chatting

Meredith: Derek is chatty. His babies will be chatty and perfect haired. I'm just the dark and twisty wife.

Wyatt: but you could be chatty, right?

* * *

Richard knocks to a closed door. The officer who took care of investigations opens the door, a surprised look on his face realizing he's alone.

Lewis: Dr. Webber

Richard: Inspector… can I…? (Lewis makes a step aside and leaves Webber room to enter. Richard recognizes Gary Clark's shape from behind, a man is sitting near him, he turns around and stands up to shake his hand)

Man: I'm Richardson. I'm Gary's lawyer. And you are…

Richard: Richard Webber (they shake hands), former chief of Seattle Grace. I was his wife's doctor (his look goes to Clark's back)

Richardson: we were waiting for Dr. Sheperd… Is he not coming? (Richard gives him a quick look and turns around the table. He goes sitting in front of Mr. Clark. His jaw clenches and he breaths out staring at the man in front of him)

Richard: he is. I just wanted to have some minute with Mr. Clark before Derek gets here. I wanted to point out something. First of all, he doesn't know I'm here. We were supposed to come here together, he agreed my presence but what I'm going to say is a personal opinion. Take it like that.

Richardson: ok… Gary? (he nods)

Richard: I don't agree with this meeting. I think it's too early. He is in a really bad shape, physically and psychologically. You did a good job in there, Mr. Clark. Better… what you did in there was… inhumane…

Richardson: Dr. Webber… (Richard raises his voice)

Richard: I don't know what you want to achieve today. I was told you want to apologize… maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Maybe your lawyer gave you this advice to save you some jail… But let me tell you this, Mr. Clark. The man you hurt is one of the finest doctors I've ever met, he's one of the most sensitive people I know. Some years ago two men shot his dad and killed him during a robbery in his watch. If you feel the need to call him a murderer again… think of this. He wants to give you this chance and if I was you… I'd be very careful of what you're going to say. Do you want to apologize? Do you want to help? Ok... Tell him what happened in your head… Tell him why a man, honest and good, snapped like this and turned into a cruel and sadist killer. You can't turn back time… but maybe you can help him to go ahead (he looks at his watch and stands up) I go out now. He should be here in minutes. Like I said… we are going to meet for the first time in a few moments (he goes out)

* * *

Owen opens the door of the bar. He takes a look inside and recognizes his uncle sitting in a corner. He gets closer, his jaw tightens seeing three empty glasses on the table. He sits in front of the man without saying anything.

Sean: hey… I didn't hear you coming…

Owen: drinking all that stuff surely won't improve your hearing…

Sean: these (he points to the glasses giggling)? Just my breakfast… I find you good…

Owen: I am…

Sean: how long have you been home?

Owen: almost an year. And you?

Sean: three weeks.

Owen: what do you want?

Sean: this isn't the welcome I was expecting…

Owen: if you were expecting a welcome after all the mess you did… you are a fool. I ask it once more… what do you want? (Sean seems to be thinking, he's going to speak when a barman gets closer the table)

Barman: what do I take you?

Sean: a bourbon

Owen: for me a tonic (the barman goes away)

Sean: what the hell is a tonic?

Owen: something that doesn't screw your brain. So?

Sean: why do you think I want something? I was released and I wanted to see my family.

Owen: we're not your family. Where do you live?

Sean: here and there… (the barman sets the glasses in front of them)

Owen: your trailer?

Sean: some bad luck with darts… Nothing I can't arrange (Owen laughs setting the glass on the table)

Owen: You've been saying this since I was ten. You should stop betting…

Sean: maybe (he drinks what remains of his bourbon and sets the glass down). You have a new girlfriend… (Owen's face tenses). I saw her entering the house. She looks pretty… not that I like Asian women but… she is cute.

Owen: why can't you just stay the hell away from us?

Sean: Owen… I've been in jail for three years. I wanted to say hi.

Owen: people who want to say hi knock to the door and do it. You're spying us and I don't like that. So I ask you for the last time: what do you want?

Sean: you are a little bit rude, you know that? But… we are men now. As I told you I had some bad luck with darts and I hoped you could help me.

Owen: how?

Sean: give me some money….

Owen: no and don't even try to ask mum.

Sean: I don't want to give troubles to your mum. Why can't we make a deal?

Owen: that's to say?

Sean: you don't want to give me money, ok. But you're a doctor, you work in the hospital.

Owen: are you sick?

Sean: you're so naive sometimes. Just like your dad. I'm not sick. But drugs and treatments are a good business. I know someone who could place them if you… (Owen stands up abruptly)

Owen: you are really bold, you know that? (he takes the wallet from his pocket and slams a banknote on the table). I won't give you a damn thing. Don't ever look for me again. Don't you ever come close to our house again if you don't want to end up in jail in a matter of seconds. You'll never change (he goes away, a man approaches Sean's chair from behind)

Man: your nephew has a really bad temper…

Sean: I can convince him.

Man: unfortunately you're a bit out of time. I guess we have to change our plans (he pats Sean's shoulder and goes away)

* * *

Richard finds Derek sitting on a bench at the bottom of a dark corridor. He looks tired and pale. His head is leaning backwards against the wall for support, his eyes are closed. Webber sits near him.

Richard: hey… you're here

Derek: yeah

Richard: where's Mrs. Smile?

Derek: she went to take me some water (some seconds later the noise of stilettos fills the corridor, a woman appears with a glass of water in her hand. Derek opens his eyes and takes it) Thank you (he drinks, Webber looks at the lawyer and sees a worried look on her face)

Richard: Derek, maybe you should back off… just for today

Derek: I'm fine. I'm just a little tired for the walk. We weren't allowed to enter with the car.

Smile: but you're sore too… (Derek sets the glass on the bench violently)

Derek: you can stay out if you want (he stands up and arrives in front of the door. He lingers there a moment, his hand already on the knob. He breaths out and then opens it. His eyes settle immediately on Gary Clark, he stands leaning on his crutches for over a minute. He then swallows and walks slowly around the table. He sits right in front of Mr. Clark but, after a second, his eyes cast down on the table to avoid Clark's look on him. He leans the crutches against the table and strokes his sweated palms on his thighs. He can feel the two men at the opposite side staring at him. Richard and the lawyer have sit on his sides. Webber is looking carefully at Gary Clark, he is analyzing his reaction. The man seems upset, his eyes are scanning Derek's frame like he could not recognize him. Richard realizes the change in Derek's appearance must be shocking: his skin has lost color, from the healthy pink to a grayish tone, he is much thinner than he used to be, he has dark circles around his eyes and a light stub on his cheeks. He can't stand straight, his shoulders bends ahead a little bit. Clark's eyes seem lucid, after some minute of silence, the lawyer speaks, his voice is a little shaky because he has noticed the tension filling the air )

Richardson: so… we'd really like to thank Dr. Sheperd for being here… I guess it was not… it's not easy for you… (Derek's eyes are fixed on the table) You were not obliged to say yes so… I want to thank you, from my side and Gary's too (Derek just nods without looking up). Mrs. Smile has updated us on your conditions… how are you? (both Richard and Mrs. Smile look at Derek. He is breathing in and out and doesn't answer)

Mrs. Smile: Dr. Sheperd is recovering. It's a long path. As you can easily comprehend there were really bad consequences after… what happened. There were and are a lot of complications on the way.

Clark: why? (hearing his voice Derek snaps, a cold shiver runs down his spine, his hands grips his knees till his knuckles turn white, a cold sweat appears on his forehead and goose bump appear on his arms. Webber looks at Clark, annoyed by his question)

Richard: because he suffered damages to many vitals. And you left him bleeding out on a floor with several open wounds. He got infections and…

Derek: Richard… (his voice sounds confident, his look leaves the table to move into his friend's. He breaths out and turns to look for the first time to his attacker). I'm not here for this. I'm going to be fine. It's not easy. It was not easy. But I'm going to be fine (Derek's and Clark's eyes are locked for a moment. Lewis clears his throat)

Lewis: so… I wanted to give you some information before you go on. This meeting is official. Whatever you say in here can be used in the trial. An officer in the front room is recording everything. However… this is a private conversation. Nobody can do questions and, if they do, you're not obliged to answer. Is everything clear? (everyone nods). Ok… (he goes sitting in a chair against the wall. Derek is searching Clark's eyes, he can't look away and the other man can't either. The silence can be cut by a knife. Finally Derek swallows and clears his throat. His voice comes out like a breath)

Derek: what happened? How did you… (he shakes his head not finishing the sentence. Clark is playing with his fingers, fidgeting with his clock)

Clark: I was mad… I was… angry… Everyone kept saying everything was done correctly but… Allison wasn't with me anymore… and I couldn't accept she was gone… I couldn't…. A voice in my head kept saying you had killed her… you had looked to a scan and decided she had to die… I was… I even went to buy a gun in a supermarket… I went in there and looked in the shelves to decide which one to pick to come to look for you (Derek's breath hitches in his throat, Richardson puts a hand on Clark's arm)

Richardson: Gary… I don't think…

Clark: let me say the truth… I don't care about the consequences… I've nearly killed a man… with my hands… I will take my responsibility… (he looks back at Derek). Then I went home… I started to make order in Alli's things and I found a letter. Her letter. To me. I got why she didn't want to be kept alive. And, despite the pain and the grieve, I thought that maybe they… he (he gestures to his lawyer) was right. I had to make a reason of what had happened. My wife had cancer. She was sick. And she didn't want to live attached to a machine. I called him… we went out for dinner together… I gave that gun back… he convinced me to have support… and I came to Seattle Grace. I don't know if… I have no right… what I did… (he shakes his head and hides his face behind his shaky hands)

Richardson: Dr. Sheperd, I don't know what the police told you about that day

Lewis: everything… he knows everything but…

Richardson: I know, Lewis (he looks into Derek's eyes). I don't want to cheapen what Gary did because I can't. When I watched that type I… it was horrible. And I get why Dr. Webber here is trying to protect you. Nothing we can say today is gonna change what happened. Nothing can lessen your pain. And we don't want to find excuses or justifications. But I want to tell you this and I will let you decide if going on or not. I know Gary from college. He is a good man. Even after what he did, I still believe it. And I think you do to. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Nobody obliged him to harm you, nobody obliged to attack you like that but… something snapped him out of the thin balance we had achieved to find together. Someone made him think Allison was not killed by a cancer, but by a doctor. And he reacted. In a way he didn't have, in a way he is going to pay for. In a way he can't be forgiven for. I guess you know what I'm talking about… But, like I said…

Derek: I'm here to listen to what you've got to tell me (Clark rakes a hand through his hair and starts talking)

Clark: he brought me to the floor and left me in that room. A guy told me to wait for a trauma counselor. I sat there for... I don't know… it looked like forever. I felt horribly because that place reminded me of that day and… anger started to bubble again… Then she came. She sat in front of me… I was surprised… I didn't think that I would have met one of Allison's doctors. It was like… a punch in the gut. Like that hospital was taking fun of me. She said she was sorry but… there was something in her voice which told me she was lying. And I started thinking of the meeting in your office. We were discussing about my wife's life and you were so… professional and detached, like nothing was at stake. But there was my wife's life on the line. I tried to put those thoughts away… but she kept saying to me Doctor Sheperd this and Dr. Sheperd that… She didn't care of my feelings, it was just if she were trying to put you on the pedestal. And I tried to stop her. I told her that it was your choice to unplug her. My anger rose again and then… (he shakes his head)

Richard: what?

Clark: she told me it was not your choice. She told me your wife was the person in charge of DNR forms and stuff like that, she told me if I was sure Allison didn't sign one… your wife did it.

Lewis: finally she told you Dr. Grey had falsified the form? (Clark nods, Richard feels Derek's leg shaking against his, he puts a hand on his side to calm him, some tear is rolling down his cheek)

Clark: I saw red. All that I wanted was revenge. I stormed out that room and she didn't budge a finger to stop me. I found two knives on a nurses station, they were making some kind of party… I saw your wife entering the locker room and I was going in… but she wasn't alone… I stayed there and I overheard a conversation… She wasn't the one who did this to my wife. Your face came clear into my mind… the way you had decided… I waited for you for half an hour in that elevator… Every time the door opened a wave of rage took me… All I wanted was to have you feel the same I felt… I didn't want to hear your voice… your reasons… I jumped you behind your back… and I couldn't stop… I know I was I beast… an animal… I'm sorry… it doesn't count anything… But I'm sorry… If she hadn't told me those things… I wouldn't have… (he buries his face in his hands)

* * *

April, Avery and Bailey has brought the patient back into his room. His wife is there. Bailey is checking his vitals and the tubes.

Bailey: it looks like your husband is awakening, Patricia

Patricia: is he? (she stands up and goes near the bed, she takes his hand) Honey? (the man opens his eyes slowly, he looks confused)

Bailey: he will be a little stoned… It's just the anesthesia fading away… Brandon… can you hear me? (the man looks at her)

Brandon: am I dead?

Bailey: no, you're just in the hospital. Seattle Grace. Your wife's here

Patricia: honey?

Bailey: you see? You are going to be a little sore. Surgery went good and you're going to be fine. Do you remember what happened?

Brandon: I was jogging… I was a block from home… What happened to me?

Patricia: someone shot you and stole your watch. I told you not to go out with that stuff…

Brandon: like it's normal someone shots to steal a damned watch (he breaths out closing his eyes). Besides you insisted to go living in that fancy place…

Bailey: Seattle isn't the city it used to be anymore. No matter where you live. Anyway you're going to heal… that's the good news…

Brandon: can I have something to drink, please?

Bailey: I'm sorry, but you can't have fluids for four more hours. I'll tell the nurse to bring you ice chips. Is there something you want to ask me?

Brandon: no

Patricia: he is fine, right? I mean… no complications… problems…

Bailey: the surgery was smooth. But he lost a lot of blood. He'll need to rest and sleep. You can stay here if you want. Dr. Avery down there (she points to the young doctor who is looking at the vitals) will follow your post-op. Everything you need… ask him. If you need information or have doubts, have a nurse call him. He'll take care of you.

Patricia: thank you…

Bailey: he need to go now. I'll see you later, ok?

Patricia: ok, thank you (the three doctors go out, April looks at her clock)

Bailey: are you late, Dr. Kepner?

April: no… I just lost track of time… Do you think I could go to have a shower now? (Bailey turns around, hands on her hips)

Bailey: your shift is not over yet and we have three more post-ops to take care of

April: yeah… but I thought you could….

Bailey: my residency finished a long time ago. When you and Dr. Avery are done with your patients, you can go. Till then, be focused on your job (she turns on her heels and goes away. Avery eyes April)

Avery: do you still think this is worth?

April: I do (she takes the charts from his hands and goes to the following room)

* * *

Cristina sees Owen coming out from the men's toilet. He is adjusting his lab coat. She makes some step running and join him.

Cristina: hey… how did it go?

Owen: fine (he keeps walking down the corridors and Cristina can hardly keep his pace)

Cristina: fine like he just wanted to spend some time with you or like you sent him to hell and he will never come back again?

Owen: more like the second

Cristina: you told me about this story. If you don't want to talk anymore, that's fine. Just say it.

Owen: it's not like this.

Cristina: good. Teddy is waiting for you by the way. She was worried too (she turns on her heels and walks away when she feels a grip on her forearm. She turns around to find Owen staring at her)

Owen: I'm sorry, ok? It didn't go that well. I'm afraid he will be back in a matter of days.

Cristina: why do you say so?

Owen: because I know him. And, from what he asked, I guess he owns money to some criminal. He won't give up easily till he won't pay back everything. That means trouble (Cristina looks carefully at him, she can read worry in his face). He asked me to steal drugs from the hospital. It must be bad, Cristina. He had never touched this point before. He just asked for money.

Cristina: you should call the police

Owen: to tell them what? My several times arrested uncle is asking me money? They'd laugh. Listen… I'm worried but I think I can deal with him. I just want him to stay away from Britchwood (his pager beeps) I get to go now. See you later (he kisses her quickly and leaves)

* * *

Richardson: so… I just wanted to inform you that, as Gary's lawyer, I have asked to the district attorney the short trial (Mrs. Smile looks at Derek)

Mrs. Smile: it means that he will declare his guiltiness and the trial will be much shorter than usual. Three or four days at maximum. In this way Mr. Clark will have a meaningful reduction of penalty.

Richardson: if the attorney accepts…

Richard: why wouldn't he?

Richardson: this case has met the public interest. Newspapers talked a lot about it. And it's a good showcase for getting political approval. Anyway… we'll wait for his answer… If this is everything… (Mrs. Smile and Richard stand up, Derek's eyes are locked with Clark's)

Clark: could we talk alone for some minute?

Richardson: Gary…

Richard: no. I think we have done enough for today. Derek… let's go (he looks down at Derek whose eyes are still fixed on his attacker)

Derek: ok… (Richard takes the backrest of Derek's chair to pull him behind but Sheperd stops his hand). Leave us alone, please.

Richard: no. You're not going to stay here with him by yourself

Derek: there's an officer in the other room, you'll be right outside. I don't think he's gonna try to choke me. It's fine … (Richard swallows, after some seconds they all leave the room)

Clark: I… Richardson… Bob… he is a friend. We've known each other for years. I kinda think he feels guilty for this. He didn't see it coming. He thought he could support me better, help me more. And he is trying to do it even now. But this was my idea. I didn't want to meet you to have an advantage in the trial or something. That's not... I just wanted to apologize. Since the moment I ran away…. I wanted to do it. You own me nothing… I know you won't believe me but…. I'm sorry… if I could turn back time… I'd do it. But I can't.

Derek: no… you can't…. unfortunately it's the only thing we can't do (Derek looks around, he takes a glass of water in front of him and drinks it to fight the lump in his throat. He puts the glass on the table but keeps rolling it through his fingers). Since this happened… I've been wondering if I did wrong… what I did wrong… as there must have been something that I missed or misjudged. Was it for me? Was it something I said? Or you chose me just because I was the chief? I don't… (he shrugs shaking his head and words fail him. Mr. Clark drinks something as well)

Clark: you were the one who told me the decision. I didn't care who you were… if you were a doctor, the chief or anything… in that moment you told me my wife had to die. You signed the paper. This seemed enough for me. You weren't a person anymore… In my mind you were guilty… and you seemed to know it… You didn't try to talk me down… to defend yourself… You were just laying there… When they had me watch what I had done… I couldn't recognize myself (he closes his eyes trying to push images away).

Derek: you didn't kill me … (Clark swallows and his eyes cast down, he looks up again to meet Derek's stare)

Clark: I… I wanted to. When I left you there… I thought you were dead… I had lost count of the times I had hit you… I thought… (he looks at his hands). I went home, I put all my clothes in the washing machine but… the smell was still there. My hands were bloody and I… I couldn't believe I had turned into a killer… then the police came to knock to my door and they told me you were alive… If my Allison would have seen me there… she would have been ashamed. You know… I had never broken a law, neither a traffic violation. That day I had taken a knife, waited for a human being and stabbed him because I wanted him dead, I wanted him to suffer… I couldn't sleep at night… Even now I…. I have nightmares … Sometimes I can still feel your blood on me…

Derek: sometimes I can still feel your hands on me too… the way you touched me before… the way you were looking at me… (Clark's eyes cast down, a long silence fills the room). But I believe you were a good man… I believe you still are… I can see that… I don't think you want to save some jail. You've lost everything and nothing really matters now… You look sincere to me.

Clark: Thank you. Will you… (he stops mid sentence, Derek gets what he is trying to ask, his jaw tightens). Sorry… I have no right … I think we'll meet in the trial. I'm sorry for what I brought on you, on your family. I've nearly destroyed your life… and I was closed to harm your wife too.

Derek: You had hurt her… it would be the only thing I'd have never been able to forgive…

Clark: why did she do this? That doctor… why? (Derek breaths out)

Derek: I don't know. But she had a part in this. She nearly destroyed my life too. And she pushed you to destroy yours (Clark laughs)

Clark: I haven't been a man. My wife wanted me to go on, to live what remained of my life for the both of us. She didn't want to be a burden, to give me troubles. She thought I was strong… she thought I was a man. But I was not… I'm not. I behaved like a coward. I let a girl manipulate my brain… I lost everything. I failed her. Her sacrifice was useless… it's what hurts me more… It's what makes me believe I don't deserve anything else than what I'm going to have. Before I thought to prisoners like renegades, monsters. It's shocking like it takes nothing to become like them.

Derek: I think what makes the difference is the after… if we are remorseful or not… if we get what we did or not. You do.

Clark: this won't erase those minutes… the violence… There's no way back from here… (the door opens and Richard takes a look in the room, Derek gets the time is over. He takes his crutches and stands up, he lingers a moment to look into Clark's face. He walks slowly around the table and the man stands up too. They stand face to face for a moment, when Derek is at his side Mr. Clark brushes his shoulder with a hand. Derek walks out and Richard follows him in time to see him collapsing on a bench in the corridor)

* * *

Bailey is in the main hall. She has just said hi to his son and is going to catch the elevator when she notices Meredith sitting near the main entrance. A frown appears on her forehead and she gets closer. She sits near her.

Bailey: Grey… I thought you were off

Meredith: I'm just waiting for Derek (she looks at her watch). He had to be here half an hour ago (she lifts her eyes to take a glimpse of Jennings, April and three other people standing near a closed door), he's late (she breaths out, Miranda has followed her gaze and seen the committee. She sets a hand on her thigh)

Bailey: wait here (she stands up and goes towards Mr. Jennings. She ignores April). Mr. Jennings (she shakes his hand)

Jennings: Dr. Bailey… always hearing great from you…

Bailey: I'm doing my best. Have you heard from Dr. Webber? I thought your meeting was half an hour ago…

Jennings: yes, indeed. But he called me. It took more time than expected in Caldwell. They should be here in minutes.

Bailey: is it still for this afternoon?

Jennings: yeah… Richard tried to move it but… (he eyes the others) we are here and ready. Did you need anything?

Bailey: no. I just had to consult him on one of our cases. I'll wait for him. Thank you (she turns on her heels and comes back to Meredith). He told me the Chief called. The meeting was longer than expected but they are on their way back. There's nothing you need to worry about, Meredith.

Meredith: I'm not that sure about it.

Bailey: what do you mean?

Meredith: nothing… I've just got a feeling…

Bailey: like what?

Meredith: like… (she looks at Bailey's eyes and then away) Nothing. It's a stupid thing.

Bailey: but it's upsetting you

Meredith: I have just to wait for it to pass

Bailey: that's your theory about problems?

Meredith: it's Derek's to tell the truth.

Bailey: does it work?

Meredith: sometimes… (Meredith looks at Bailey, her eyes looks sad. Miranda seems touched but says anything, she reads fear and a hint of guiltiness) Thank you, Dr. Bailey. For everything you did for me. And Derek.

Bailey: I did nothing

Meredith: yeah… you did. From the beginning. From when you put fire hoops in front of me.

Bailey: that was fun (they laugh together) Why are you telling me this, Grey?

Meredith: no way (she shrugs). You were very supportive in the last few weeks and I've never thanked you properly. I just wanted to let you know I'm grateful for what you did for us (Bailey's pager beeps, she looks at it and swallows)

Bailey: do I have to worry about you?

Meredith: no, I'm fine. Go to save someone else (Bailey stands up)

Bailey: see you later

* * *

Cristina, Alex, Reed and Avery are in the locker room. They are changing into their street clothes.

Cristina: have you seen Meredith or heard anything about Sheperd?

Alex: no. Sloan called him several times but his cell was always off. He has not come back yet.

Avery: but the meeting was at 17.30 .

Alex: how do you know?

Avery: I worked with April today. Her shift finished at 17 as she had to get prepared

Cristina: of course she had… (she hisses the last sentence)

Reed: we have tried to have her reason but… nothing

Cristina: it was too late for that now. She is in the game completely.

Avery: what do you mean?

Cristina: nothing (she slams her locker closed). Have someone seen Meredith?

Alex: no

Avery: no

Reed: an hour or so ago I saw her sitting in the lobby.

Cristina: I go to take a look (she takes her bag and goes out)

Alex: wait… I come too (he goes out too. Avery and Reed share a look and then follow them. They all stand in front of the elevator when it opens. Bailey sees them. They let her room to exit the doors)

Bailey: do you move in troop now? (the four interns enter the elevator and the doors are going to close when Bailey turns around) If you're looking for Meredith, she's downstairs, in front of the entrance. Derek isn't back yet and the committee hasn't reunited. Just in case you want to know and sit with her (the elevator closes and after a few minutes they get into the lobby. They immediately see Meredith and gets closer)

Cristina: hey…

Meredith: hey… are you off?

Cristina: yeah… just over… (she sits down and the others do the same). Are you waiting for Derek?

Meredith: yes. I didn't think it would have taken so much time (Cristina sees the members outside the room)

Cristina: they don't bail…

Meredith: she doesn't. How can they? (she breaths out, Cristina stretch her legs and crosses her arms behind her head)

Cristina: you were lucky to be off, you know? That was really a crappy day…

Meredith: why?

Cristina: Owen wasted everything this morning kissing me in front of the world in the cafeteria (Meredith giggles)

Alex: why was that bad? (Cristina looks at him like he didn't get something primary)

Meredith: because the barman has the hots for her. I guess he would be frozen up right now (she pats her friend's leg). You need to resign. Owen is your future.

Cristina: yeah… maybe. For the moment he surely is Reed's future (Reed's blushes)

Reed: what? We are… nothing. We just work together… we are… (Cristina turns to look at her)

Cristina: relax, breathe (the others laugh). I wasn't implying anything but you're his resident (Reed seems to relax). If I thought differently, you would be already on a table, open (Meredith pats her shoulder)

Meredith: that's my girl (a smile curls her lips. Her eyes move out and her attention is caught by a car. Her breath hitches in her throat when she sees Derek coming out of the back seat. He looks really awful. The others follow her stare)

Cristina: are you still sure you want him as post it husband? He looks like crap (Meredith sends her an annoyed look and stands up to meet him in front of the doors. Derek walks past Meredith, he just gives her a quick look. She turns around to follow him when she feels a hand on her elbow. She finds Richard holding her)

Richard: leave him some time, Meredith. It was a bad day (she nods and turns around to see a man approaching Derek who is walking to the elevator. She sits back)

Jennings: Dr. Sheperd! (he quickly closes the space between the two of them. Derek stops) We were waiting for you…

Derek: I'm sorry. Would you give me two minutes to refresh? I'll be right back

Jennings: sure… (Richard joins Jennings, Derek starts to walk towards the elevator , he hears steps coming closer and is thunder struck to see April standing in front of him)

April: Dr. Sheperd (Derek turns towards the elevator and presses the button)

Derek: I'll be back in five minutes

April: why won't you look at me?

Derek: I'm in a hurry, Dr. Kepner. I need to go back to my room and then I'll be back to discuss your claim (Richard and Jennings come closer, the guys are looking at the scene. Cristina is keeping Meredith sitting)

April: you can't be mad at me… (Derek breaths out forcing himself to look straight at the wall. He pushes the button again)

Richard: Dr. Kepner… come with us. Dr. Sheperd will join us in a few minutes (he makes some step back but April is still two steps from Derek)

April: that's not fair… You can't boycott my career for what a murdered said to you

Derek: I'm not boycotting anything (his words are harsh and he keeps looking ahead)

April: why are you doing this to me? (Derek closes his eyes) I love… (Derek's eyes focus on April's face for the first time. He makes a small step back leaning against the wall)

Derek: you what? (Richard and Jennings are following the conversation stunned)

April: I… I lo…. I've just tried to protect you from him. I didn't…. He misunderstood… I've never told him to hurt her… (Derek makes a step ahead, his eyes full of anger)

Derek: no… you didn't (April seems relieved). You've just told a desperate man that my wife had falsified a document and basically signed his wife's death. That's what you did.

Reed: what the hell is he talking about?

Cristina: just shut up…

April: no… I… I've just said that if Mrs. Clark hadn't…. then maybe she… I didn't want to put her in danger… I knew she could be pregnant… I… (speech fails her when she notices Derek's face to tense up in anger once more)

Derek: how did you know? (April's eyes cast down, searching the floor for answers she hasn't). Let me say it… You knew my wife could be pregnant because you stole my keys, you stuck your nose in our house, in my bathroom. You even stuck yourself in my bed (he shakes his head). Look at me in the eye and tell me that you didn't look for Gary Clark on purpose… (April swallows; her mouth is shaking)

April: I wanted to help you… He thought you were a bad doctor… He thought….

Derek: do you think that was a great problem?

April: you didn't deserve that. You are a great doctor… You deserve the best and I…

Derek: what is the best?

April: I could… I would be… if you let me… I would be….

Derek: better? (April nods frantically) You had your chance to be a better person. You could warn me. You could warn Meredith…

April: she doesn't deserve… (she stops mid sentence meeting Derek's cold stare)

Derek: to live?

April: you… I would be a better pick… you know that. That's why you hired me back… You know I'm the best you can have…

Derek: are you talking about medicine, April?

April: I'm just…. Talking… When I met you outside your office that evening… relief washed over me… I had been so scared… I wanted to keep you there talking to give him time to… (she swallows)

Richard: oh my God… (Derek's face becomes a mask of disbelief. His eyes are prickling, his hands are shaking holding the crutches so tightly his knuckles are white)

Derek: kill my wife… Were you saying this? (a tear rolls down his cheek. April raises a hand to wipe it away. Derek flinches at the contact)

April: honey… I… (Derek's hand closes around April's wrist to push her hand away)

Derek: you took almost everything from me. You violated my privacy, you got to have my colleagues and superiors doubt of my professional capabilities. Your insabnity nearly got my killed. I've spent two hours with the man who hurt me today… He would give everything to come back. He apologized, I looked him in the eye and all I saw was sorrow and despair. I wasn't strong enough to tell him that I've forgiven him. After today… I've forgiven him. I looked at him and all the rage and the contempt faded away… When I look at you, all that I see are lies.

Richard: Derek… I think that's enough…

Derek: you did your job good (he shakes his head disbelievingly, forcing words out through the lump in his throat). You dragged my private life in this mess to get an advantage and seed doubts. But you know what? Maybe I won't convince my staff I'm a reliable surgeon as they can't trust my professional skills and judgment anymore. Maybe I can't have you fired on the spot for what you did, it would bring troubles and scandals in here. I fought and worked to have respect and you blew it up in a second. But now I don't care anymore. Because the only thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to spend one more day of my life, of my career in a hospital who does not respect me as a man before that as a surgeon. Good luck with your assignment (April's eyes are fixed on the floor, she is sobbing. Derek turns around, the door dings)

Jennings: Dr. Sheperd…

Derek: I'll deliver you my resignations later.

Richard: you don't have to do that, Derek (he enters the elevator without looking back)

Derek: no more lawsuits for the hospital. It's all you've ever wanted (the elevator moves and everyone is silent. Cristina is holding Meredith who is panting hard, her eyes are lost in front of her)

Richard: I hope you're happy now

Jennings: don't be unreasonable. I have nothing to do with this. How could I know?

Richard: I have been telling you for weeks with situation was out of control. We told you what had happened and you ignored it. You left him no choice. You treated him like a humoral and hormonal freshman and that's what we get in response.

Jennings: we couldn't do anything before…

Richard: you could! You had one of your people assessments. You had no right, no reason in doubting it. But you chose to do it. And finally this comedy… You told me you got who Derek Sheperd was… You know a damned thing Jennings! You just keep ruling this place like it was a court… It isn't. The damage you did today is beyond repair (he leaves him in the mid of the lobby and walks past April to the elevators. He starts to push all buttons nervously. Meredith on the other side of the lobby is still in trance, tears roll down her face while Cristina is hugging her. Finally she snaps back to reality and she tries to relieve herself)

Cristina: Mer…

Meredith: leave me, please. I need to go…

Cristina: stay here

Meredith: he needs me

Cristina: all that he needs is some time alone. Everything is going to be fine… He wasn't talking seriously… He isn't going anywhere…

Meredith: he is… (she finally frees her arms and looks straight in Cristina's eyes)

Cristina: Mer…. (Meredith breaths out loudly and goes to the stairs). You can't… (she is already far) go away

Alex: what are you talking about?

Cristina: she is leaving too (she rakes a hand through her hair, her eyes sets on April. She is still in the same spot Derek dismissed her. A wide rage takes control of Cristina). Bitch! (she makes some step to her direction when someone stops her blocking her waist) Leave me! Leave me!

Owen: Cristina… calm down… (she is fighting his grip. She has turned around and she is hitting his chest to get free) Calm down…

Cristina: I'm not… You weren't here…. You didn't hear…

Owen: I did… But attacking someone won't improve things and won't change their minds… (Cristina's eyes fill with tears). You need to trust me, ok? Webber is already upstairs… He'll settle things… I promise….

Cristina: what if he can't? (Owen hugs Cristina, her face against his chest) What if he can't?

* * *

Derek is riding the elevator upstairs. He is measuring the little cabin with wide, quick, nervous steps. He is panting heavily, starting to iperventilate. He leans his forehead against the wall trying to find solace in the cold surface, a wave of nausea hits him and he bends in two to empty the contents of his stomach. Cold shivers cross his body and he leans his back against the wall sliding slowly on the floor. The elevator joins the second floor and the door opens to reveal Bailey waiting outside. Her eyes widen in surprise and her mouth falls open a bit when she notices Derek inside. She stretches her arm to prevent other people from entering the elevator and she steps in, pushing the button to close the doors immediately. She knees besides Derek feeling his throat with her finger. A frown appears on her forehead when she notices he is looking right in front of him, ignoring her presence. A cold sweat covers his forehead and he seems unresponsive, in shock. Tears are wetting his face and she wipes them away with her fingers. But new ones are still spilling out)

Bailey: Sheperd… (she touches his shoulder and he flinches at the contact)

Derek: leave me alone, Bailey… Please…

Bailey: I'll do it… okay? But you need to tell me if you are fine… (Derek laughs, Miranda is taken aback)

Derek: do I look fine to you?

Bailey: no… but you look more in shock than in pain. Am I right? (Derek winces, she touches his forehead) Look… if you are ok, physically, I'll sit in that corner and leave you the hell alone. If you just need to be alone I will shut up, I promise. Just tell me that…

Derek: I'm exhausted… tired … and in pain. But that's not what is crushing me, ok? (Bailey nods, she makes two steps back and sits in the other corner of the elevator, her legs crossed, her stare on Derek. He stays there breathing heavily, wiping his own tears away with the back of his hand. He breaths out sometimes. Bailey realizes they have nearly reached the floor and pushes the emergency button. The elevator stops and they stay like this for several minutes. Finally Derek sniffles, he leans to the wall and staggers to his feet. Without saying anything, he pushes the emergency button and the doors open. Richard is outside waiting for him but Derek starts to walk to his room)

Richard: Derek… (he slams his door closed without turning around, Richard looks down while even Miranda has come out from the elevator)

Bailey: what the hell happened?

Richard: too many things I guess… Kepner faced him in the lobby. She started to talk nonsense and finally admitted everything.

Bailey: that's good (Richard looks at her). Isn't it?

Richard: he resigned, Miranda.

Bailey: he what? (she looks to Derek's room and then to Webber. Without saying anything she enters the room. Derek is near his bed putting stuff into a travel bag)

Derek: this is a private hospital room. Get out.

Bailey: this is a room of my hospital. And you're my patient. What are you doing?

Derek: preparing my stuff.

Bailey: why?

Derek: I'm going home. Don't bother to tell me you haven't cleared me. I'll sign a disclaimer.

Bailey: so that's it? You survived a knife and you're going to surrender to April Kepner? You proved stronger than this…

Derek: I'm done proving… I started proving something from day one in here. And now I'm tired.

Bailey: you have a right to be, Derek. But going away… seriously? There are a lot of people who love you here. What about us?

Derek: the fact I won't work here anymore won't change relationships, Miranda. I know I have a lot of friends here. I won't forget that. But I can't stay here anymore.

Bailey: you can. You have to. That fool will be fired within today. She will be a bad memory in matter of days. Everything is going back to normalcy.

Derek: nothing will be like it used to…

Bailey: no. It will be better. Meredith will be your resident and you're going to be a father. And maybe really get married in a real church. Time won't delete what you went through… but if you give up now… you'll hate yourself. This is your home, Derek. Jennings and the board are just bureaucrats who manage a budget. This place is ours. We can't lose you. And Meredith. And Cristina. And all the others who will follow you. I could think of leaving too.

Derek: are you blackmailing me?

Bailey: no. I'm just explaining to an angry and stupid and dulled Derek Sheperd how things will work out if you give the letter in your drawer to Webber (Derek's eyes snap to Miranda's face)

Derek: do you rummage in my stuff now?

Bailey: no. But since we told you Kepner had appealed, I knew you were brooding something like that. And I got it, Derek. Really. But the consequences for this place would be… unbearable. We wouldn't survive a hurricane like that. You're a part of this hospital, one of the best. You worked like a dog to get what you have. And I'm sure if you really decided to go away, hospitals would make bridges of gold to have you. But stop one second to think of what you're losing… why you're losing it. Is it pride so important?

Derek: it has nothing to do with pride…

Bailey: what is it then? Jennings could have behaved very differently. He could take a position from the beginning. But do you think she would have let it go? She drove this thing to the limit and it blew up in her hands. Don't let her drag you with her (she leaves the room, Derek throws the bag on the floor and sits on the edge of the bed stroking his face. He feels the door closing up again and he meets Meredith's form walking towards him. Outside the room a crowd of people was waiting for Bailey)

Richard: so?

Bailey: I don't know. I tried to talk to him but… (she breaths out) I hope she can do it better (their eyes lay on Derek and Meredith in the room). I go back to work (she goes away, Richard lingers a moment there and then turns around)

Richard: move people… This is a hospital (everyone go away. In the room Meredith is standing in front of Derek, he's still pinching his nose)

Derek: I'm sorry

Meredith: me too (she strokes his cheeks with her hand, he seems to relax at her touch. He lays his hands on her hips and Meredith hugs him, his head resting on her chest)

* * *

_Watching crime shows you realize that there is a little shadow between good people and those who did horrible things._

_A shadow made of respect, fear, shame, self control._

_Nobody is genetically engineered to become a serial killer, to harm._

_People just snap and you can find the devil in your roommate's eyes, in your neighbour's, in your colleagues'._

_The difference between them and us?_

_Many and no one in the same time.._

_That's why devil is frightening… because you don't see it coming till it's right in front of you._

_And the damage has already been done._


	23. AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hi guys! I know it's been a long (very long time), But life is messy and I couldn't go on writing.

Would you still be interested if I went on?

Let me know


	24. WHAT WE WERE

Hey, I'm finally back! Sorry if I stop writing but I had some stuff to do.

Now I'm here and I hope you'll keep reading and reviewing.

**What we were**

**

* * *

**

_When we look back to our life, we see o lot of stuff we used to consider important._

_We remember periods, people, feelings._

_Some good, some embarrassing, some bad._

_For some… we wonder how we could feel so much about them…_

_For some, we wonder how we could just stop feeling._

_We answer saying that time changes perspectives._

_

* * *

_

(It's early morning and Meredith is in the locker room to change into her scrubs. Cristina comes in. A surprised look paints her face when she notices Meredith)

Cristina: hey

Meredith: hey (she doesn't turn to look at her but Cristina notices her pale face)

Cristina: you left early (Meredith keeps putting stuff in her locker). Alex told me you were here…

Meredith: sorry I didn't wait for you. I just wanted some time alone.

Cristina: Kepner is gone

Meredith: so it looks like. So bad Derek is gone too (she slams her locker closed).

Cristina: he didn't mean it (Meredith faces her for the first time. Cristina is ashamed). Did he?

Meredith: how can you blame him?

Cristina: nobody can but…. Seriously? Isn't he thinking about you?

Meredith: I won't use this argument against him (Cristina is about to speak). You won't either (she sits on the bench breathing out). He was destroyed yesterday (she starts crying and Cristina pats her shoulder, she leans her head on her shoulder).

Cristina: you need to trust him. Derek is hurt but… he'll go over this.

Meredith: I'd like to be so confident too (she looks at Cristina wiping her tears away. The others residents go in and they stand up. Meredith clears her throat). So… ready for the first day…

Cristina: you're starving for Shadow Sheperd…

Meredith: I'm starving to cut into something. I can take Shadow Sheperd.

Cristina: this is my girl. The question is: can he take you?

Meredith: I hope so.

Cristina: you know, I almost feel for him.

Meredith: since when are you so kind-hearted?

Cristina: you have no idea of what I had to endure yesterday evening…

Meredith: don't want to know about your dirty sex in mum's attic…

Cristina: there was no sex. But it was dirty anyway.

* * *

Webber is outside Derek's room, a paper in his hand. The blinds are down. Bailey is walking down the corridor and stops near him.

Bailey: morning chief

Webber: Bailey… (she looks into the room)

Bailey: he is still sleeping on it. Maybe a hair-dream will bring sense into him (Richard looks down to her. Without saying anything, he handles her the document he is holding). What? (she reads) He is got to be kidding me! (she slams the paper into Webber's hands and goes into the room. Derek is wearing his coat) What the hell do you think you're doing? (Derek gives her a short look and then closes his bag).

Derek: going home

Bailey: I haven't cleared you

Derek: still going home (he takes the bag from the bed)

Bailey: Sheperd…

Derek: is there anything else you need to prescribe me, doctor Bailey? (Miranda looks at him stunned, there's a light knock and the door opens revealing Dr. Wyatt. Derek tenses)

Wyatt: good morning (a frown appears on her face seeing Derek ready to leave). You are late and I wanted to check why (she crosses her arms in front of her chest). No session today?

Derek: I… I'm sorry I haven't given you a notice. But I'm going home today.

Wyatt: I thought you had to stay here some while more…

Bailey: he had indeed (Derek gives her an annoyed look)

Derek: this is a private conversation, doctor Bailey. Do you mind going out? (Miranda shakes her head, she turns on her heels to go away)

Bailey: you don't need a shrink. A shrink implies you have a brain. And you don't. Don't bother calling me when you collapse in that box of cereals you call home (she leaves the room slamming the door. Dr. Wyatt flinches and Derek rakes a hand through his hair).

Wyatt: I'm listening

Derek: to what?

Wyatt: you told me this was a private conversation. I'm waiting for the conversation (she sits on the couch)

Derek: I can't do this today

Wyatt: why not? Did it go so bad? (Derek breaths out and leaves the room without adding anything). Really bad… (Dr. Wyatt goes out joining Richard outside. He is staring at Derek's retreating back)

* * *

Hunt exits the attending lounge fixing the collar of his lab coat. He enters a service room where he finds Teddy sitting reading a newspaper.

Hunt: morning

Teddy: morning (she sends him a quick look and notices dark circles around his eyes). Bad night sleep?

Hunt: no. Coffee?

Teddy: sure (he prepares two cups and gives Teddy one, he sits on the couch near her)

Hunt: it's just that you know my mum. She spent the whole evening showing Cristina embarrassing photos of my childhood. It was 2 am when she left. And 3.30 when I finally got into my room.

Teddy: does she still have those ridiculous photos of you, 1 year old, naked on the beach? (he nods, a red flush paints his cheeks). What? Are you ashamed?

Hunt: of course I am. It's not the kind of photo you want your mum to show your girlfriend.

Teddy: I think it's sweet… So… did he call again or…

Hunt: no. By now. But I think he is just taking his time.

Teddy: pessimist. Maybe he just went away

Hunt: it'd be too good (he stands up when his pager beeps, Teddy stands up too)

Teddy: what is wrong in hoping something good?

Hunt: that you always get your hopes up. And then you are deceived.

Teddy: so it's better not to hope at all? (Owen looks at her suspiciously)

Hunt: did you meet someone?

Teddy: I'm sorry? (she stops, hands on her hips)

Hunt: nothing… it's just that you sound so… so…

Teddy: what? Optimist?

Hunt: something more like Alice in Wonderland (his pager beeps again and he hurries down the corridor leaving Teddy behind)

Teddy: I like Alice by the way… (Owen lifts a hand to say hello). Even if Johnny Deep is so much better (she turns around to meet Cristina)

* * *

Mark is sitting in his office, he is reading a newspaper sipping a coffee. Callie comes in knocking on the open door.

Callie: morning

Mark: morning (she gets closer, a frown appears on her forehead when she sees the topic Mark is reading)

Callie: Karev is so good you're already trying to find a new job?

Mark: of course not. And I'm not looking for a new doghouse (he puts the paper down, Callie takes it)

Callie: so why this? I mean… "Hospitals of the West Coast" doesn't look a best seller to me (Arizona enters the room, a wide smile on her face)

Arizona: always being in touch with the surrounding competition. I know all the nearest hospitals. Before knowing you, I have sometimes visited some (Callie looks at her puzzled). Incognito.

Callie: so you pretended to be a patient to know the doctors and other hospitals?

Arizona: yeah (she turns around smiling and takes a cup of coffee)

Mark: that's insane

Arizona: it's not

Callie: he is right. You might be a fool if you spend your free days in other hospitals spying their methods.

Mark: no. You might be frustrated and have a real boring life

Arizona: You know what? It's frustrating that today your best friend finally goes home after 50 days in hospital and you're here crying on your sorry ass (Callie chokes on her coffee. Arizona handles her a towel)

Callie: what?

Arizona: what "what"? (she looks at them both). I've just met Sheperd on his way out. Poor guy, he was waiting for a cab. It's so sad (Mark's cell beeps announcing a new message in the vocal mail. He dials the number and listens to the message)

Mark: sad is that Mrs. Sheperd just landed here for a surprise to her stupid son and he has decided to leave. I thought Bailey would have tied him to bed.

Arizona: why?

Mark: where do you live, in Neverland? I must go (he goes out)

* * *

Meredith joins Nelson in the elevator.

Meredith: morning

Nelson: dr. Grey… We are waiting for some fellow surgeon from the east coast today. They sent a request to Webber to visit the neuro department some week ago. We are going to be their guides.

Meredith: ok.

Nelson: we'll show them our OR'S and our plan. If you're lucky they'll be out of here in the afternoon.

Meredith: ok (Nelson looks at her)

Nelson: I'm sorry

Meredith: excuse me?

Nelson: I'm sorry for how I behaved to you. And your husband. I was… unfair.

Meredith: it doesn't matter.

Nelson: I just had to say it.

Meredith: it doesn't matter anymore. As you well know, dr. Sheperd resigned yesterday. This morning he left the hospital against his doctors' opinion. It's not to me you should apologize (the doors open and they go out. Meredith stops recognizing Derek sitting on a chair near the door. They both get closer). Hey (Derek looks up and stands up)

Derek: hey… I'm waiting for my cab

Meredith: are you really sure about this? (Nelson is kicking the air trying not to overhear the conversation)

Derek: I just need some air. Don't worry about me.

Meredith: how can I not? You shouldn't go home in the first place. And you shouldn't go out of the world most of all (Derek puts his hands on her shoulders).

Derek: you get that I'm not running, do you? (she breaths out) I just want some time alone, Mer. I need to collect myself. After all that happened, I've never had five minutes to think. There was always something to distract me. And now I want to stop. And breathe. There won't be any beer, any bat. I swear (she smiles)

Meredith: no rings in the woods?

Derek: no (he strokes her cheek with his thumb). And there's no other ring by the way. You'd like another one?

Meredith: no. Your mother already hates me as I don't wear the first one.

Derek: my mum loves you.

Meredith: before knowing I let you do this stupid, stupid thing. Derek…

Derek: I'm going to be fine. Just a couple of days, ok? I'll be home when you'll be (Meredith looks at him without saying anything). Mer…

Meredith: are you really doing this? (he swallows and rakes hand through his hair)

Derek: I don't know anything anymore. But… promise you won't do stupid things.

Meredith: Like you did? (she crosses her arms in front of her chest). This thing is not only about you. Do you get that? (he nods, her pager beeps). I've got to go (she gives him a quick kiss on the lips and leaves. Derek sits back in his chair looking down, he hides his face in both hands when he feels a presence. He looks up to see an embarrassed Nelson)

Derek: dr. Nelson…

Nelson: dr. Sheperd. You're going home…

Derek: I am

Nelson: look… I know I was an ass. To you. And to her. But I've realized it. I'm sorry (Derek keeps looking in front of him). I wanted to believe you're a bastard as it was too difficult to admit you're better than me. I'll never be at your league. No matter what I do… even if you leave… I'll always be Shadow Sheperd.

Derek: I'm sorry for you

Nelson: don't be. It's an honor to be the shadow of someone so damned good (Derek looks up for the first time). And I regret I haven't learnt all that I could from you. I really hope you'll change your mind (he stretches a hand and Derek takes it cautiously. He gives him a small smile. Nelson looks at two people approaching). It looks like our guests are here… So… goodbye (Derek nods and looks at Nelson and Meredith shaking hands with the new arrived)

* * *

Reed is following Avery in a hurry. He is holding a paper high above his head and she can't get it.

Reed: Jackson! (he turns around smiling)

Avery: Reed…

Reed: I'm not joking. Give me that damned paper!

Avery: relax! Breathe out! (she stops breathing out). You see? It works

Reed: it does not work. Give me that paper or I swear to God I'll… (she doesn't realize Bailey is behind them)

Bailey: kids! (Reed turns around and Avery hides both hands behind his back). Are you done yelling at each other?

Avery: I'm sorry, dr. Bailey

Bailey: I see you are (she raises an eyebrow). What are you hiding?

Avery: nothing (he shifts his weight from foot to foot)

Bailey: show me your hands then (she gestures with her hand inviting him to move. Reed opens her mouth to speak). Avery… don't make me come and search you. I've sworn my fellow attendings I was not the kind of woman who touches residents. Come on (Avery eyes Reed and then gives Bailey the paper. Miranda takes it and starts to read, Avery smirks while Reed seems embarrassed). What the hell is this?

Avery: mr. Pattinson asked me to give it to her (Bailey raises her eye brow)

Bailey: why?

Avery: apparently he saw her in the hallway and fell instantly.

Bailey: enough with these things. You (she points to Avery) take care of your patient (Avery leaves) and you (to Reed) go find your attending (Reed starts walking). And stay away from my patient. He has to survive a tough surgery (she turns on her heels and looks at the poem again). Fairy…

* * *

Alex and Mark are in the laboratory to study Sloan's case. Webber comes into the room with a paper.

Richard: doctors…

Alex: chief…

Richard: how is it going?

Mark: fine. We are pretty ready. We just need to know who will replace Sheperd (he lifts his eyes to notice a frown on Webber's face). Oh…

Alex: what?

Mark: nobody has the balls to do it. That's what he came to say… isn't it?

Richard: yes (Mark slams the scalpel he was using on the table and stands up nervous, pacing in the room)

Mark: we have wasted one month of our time. And worst we gave false hope to that woman. I made myself ridiculous! (Alex looks at Sloan surprised by his overreaction).

Richard: Sloan… calm down. We can try to convince Derek to do this after all.

Mark: sure…

Richard: he won't back off if he knows he is her last chance

Mark: so you want to corner him? Let me out of this.

Richard: I thought you wanted the surgery

Mark: I'm not forcing him into something he has already told he doesn't want. He is no more part of our staff.

Richard: I don't think…

Mark: look chief… If this is an excuse to bring him back here… it's lame. How can it be that no surgeon feels to take this challenge?

Richard: because a lot of people around are talking about this surgery. I have already answered about this to our ethical committee. No one wants to take the risk. Blame is out the door. They call this "surgical fury".

Mark: I've been studying for two months all these papers and documents and scans and whatever exam was endured on that patient. I'd not try anything if I didn't think we have a shot. And all those who don't see that… they're just cowards.

Richard: I agree with you.

Mark: really? And since when you have started to encourage impossible surgeries again? You had become conservative lately.

Richard: I had become an alcoholic lately (Mark sits back). I'll try again to talk to someone. But I want to be frank, Sloan: this is a top surgery. There is nothing worse than a surgeon forced to do something he doesn't feel for (Mark's pager beeps).

Mark: crap… You're wrong. Worse is a mother who comes to see his son not knowing he fucking left. Hospital…. job… Everything (he leaves slamming the door)

* * *

Meredith is walking down the hallways with the guests, a man and a woman.

Rosemary: I have to say that newspapers doesn't make justice to this hospital. It looked old and antiquated. It's forefront on the contrary.

Meredith: chief Webber is really careful about never missing a step. He wants to improve the hospital. He is always focused on technological founds and research.

Greg: and picking kick ass surgeons all over the country (they arrive in front of the board and stop). I thought you had a computerized schedule.

Meredith: no. Chief Webber introduced it but it was too rigid and it didn't fit our needs. It lasted two days. Then we came back to the old, traditional board.

Greg : full, great board…

Rosemary: damn it… (Meredith looks at her puzzled)

Greg: what?

Rosemary: neither Sloan nor Sheperd are in the OR now. I hoped to see them working. Maybe together. Like back in Mont Sinai.

Meredith: do you know them?

Rosemary: just met them twice in New York. They made a great team.

Greg: are the rumors true? (Meredith shifts uncomfortably on her feet)

Meredith: which rumors?

Rosemary: about the impossible surgery. On Mrs. Myers.

Meredith: I think our heads are seriously considering it but… it's not something they discuss with residents anyway. This way please (she stretches her arm towards the galleries). I'll show you our Da Vinci (she turns on her heals and stops seeing Derek's mum right in front of her). Mrs. Sheperd… (the woman looks worried but gives Meredith a hug)

Sofia: darling… (she lets Meredith). I went in Derek's room but he is not there (Meredith tenses). The nurses were changing the bed and everything (every word she utters she becomes more and more hesitant). Are you ok?

Meredith: yeah…

Sofia: that stubborn son of mine didn't do anything wrong, right? I mean… He's fine… (Meredith is silent). By the way, where is he? I couldn't find him anywhere and I have a surprise for him (Meredith does not answer and Sofia gets her avoidance). Meredith…

Meredith: he left (she notices the worry in Derek's mum's eyes). The hospital.

Sofia: was he cleared? He didn't tell me he was going home…

Meredith: he wasn't cleared. He sort of cleared… himself

Sofia: excuse me?

Meredith: he signed to go home, ok? He didn't want to stay here anymore. And he resigned… I think you should know… he resigned

Sofia: what? (Meredith breaths out, a tear rolling down her face) I'm sorry (she hugs her again). You must be tired and worried and I'm here doing you silly questions I should do to Derek. I'll do it. I'll go to your place if you...

Meredith: he is not there (Sofia lets her, another concerned look). He went to his trailer. He wanted some time alone or… whatever. We are fine, by the way.

Sofia: you're not. I'm gonna talk to him, ok?

Meredith: yeah… Just be kind (Sofia raises an eyebrow). Not that you're not kind usually but… It's just he went to see him yesterday… Gary Clark, I mean. And then April faced him and I guessed it was too much to take in a day. He was… exhausted.

Sofia: ok… I won't yell too much. And then I have my secret arm (Meredith looks confused, Sofia makes a step aside and Meredith's eyes fall on a toddler, a little girl with curly red hair and green eyes). Morgan… say hi to aunt Meredith

Morgan: hi

Meredith: hey

Morgan: are you uncle's princess? (Meredith looks stunned and Sofia comes in help)

Sofia: yes, sweetie. She's uncle's wife (the girl smiles widely)

Morgan: I brought him a gift (she shows Meredith a fluffy puppet, a giraffe). Do you think he'll like it? Melman is my favorite (she hugs it)

Meredith: he'll love it

Sofia: ok then. Let's go to uncle Derek, honey (Sofia takes the baby's hand). I'll call you later, ok?

Meredith: ok (she watches the two of them walking away. Greg clears his throat and Meredith walks to the galleries)

* * *

Hunt sees Cristina at a vending machine. He sneaks behind her and gives her a pet on the cheek. She startles and turns around scared.

Cristina: what…

Hunt: hey, did I scare you?

Cristina: yes.

Hunt: seriously?

Cristina: seriously. The world is full of fools who kiss random women.

Hunt: so, am I a fool?

Cristina: no, you're my fool (Owen smiles widely). Despite yesterday evening (Owen becomes serious)

Hunt: you can't put that on me

Cristina: on who then? It's a miracle I survived the shock of you naked on the beach (she giggles and Owen rolls his eyes). You were cute, though. Under seized and rachitic. But cute.

Hunt: I was not rachitic (they start walking down the corridor towards the nurses station). I was 1 year old. I'd like to see your photos at that age.

Cristina: you won't. Never. And you know why?

Hunt: you tell me…

Cristina: I brought them away from my mum and hid them. Nobody will ever use them against me.

Hunt: I don't think my mum is going to blackmail me

Cristina: she won't. But I'll do it, Owewe (she bursts out laughing and he stops)

Hunt: Cristina…

Cristina: I wonder if all men are so…. little, if you know what I mean.

Hunt: Cristina…

Cristina: I'll go and ask Meredith. I'm sure Sheperd's mum took a lot of pictures of him. We'll make a compare between the two of you but… no worry… I'll keep you anyway (she leaves)

* * *

Derek is in his land. He is walking through the building area of his new house. He stops in the porch, leaning on a pillar, looking at the wonderful panorama of Seattle. He breaths out, a small smile stretches his lips. He tenses and sets an arm on his side breathing out. He crosses the yard and gets into his trailer. He stops at the door noticing the disorder inside. He kicks off his shoes and collapses onto the bed, fully clothed.

* * *

Bailey, Webber and Avery are in surgery.

Bailey: ok, chief. I'm done here.

Webber: I see. Dr. Avery… what's next?

Avery: now we can cut out the dead bowel.

Webber: fine. Cauterize here

Bailey: so… what's with Sloan and his puppy face?

Webber: I couldn't find any neurosurgeon for Mrs. Myer's surgery. Everybody says the same thing. Great case, great opportunity. But too big risks. And no one feels to piss the common judgment.

Bailey: so?

Webber: it's over. If I can't find anyone in a week, we'll tell Mrs. Myer we give up.

Bailey: any chance Derek can take a second thought on it?

Webber: I haven't the nerve to go and ask him to.

Bailey: it would be a single surgery. No commitment.

Webber: it's me you want to convince? He knows it would be a trick to bring him back.

Bailey: and what? Close him somewhere till he changes his mind?

Webber: not you wouldn't do it… (Bailey looks up at him). Look Bailey… I want him back, more than you do. But we don't have to press him. The more we do, the more he'll run. We need to be patient.

Bailey: ok… Finally you know him better than me.

Webber: I used to. Now… I don't know. And then… you like him. Despite the bitching, the bickering and everything. You are fond of him (he raises his eyes to meet hers).

Bailey: he is not that bad (she clears her throat). But since he is not here and we are… Avery… what the hell is going on between Reed and this patient?

All the guys are in the cafeteria to have lunch.

Cristina: so she shows me all these photos of Owen kid and… seriously… I thought I could die…

Alex: so boring?

Cristina: so… enlightening!

Meredith: what?

Cristina: I had never seen so many photos of a kid… male kid I mean (Meredith's face becomes a grimace). I didn't think you were… so little (Alex and Avery choke on their sandwich)

Alex: what the hell are you talking about? (Meredith and Reed are laughing)

Cristina: it's anatomy. And yours seem to grow very… very slowly

Meredith: so… you had a look in Owen's childhood and all you can think about is his penis?

Cristina: what else should I care for? The place he spent his holidays? I don't give a crap on that (Meredith breaths out). Don't tell me you didn't focus on the same thing when you saw Derek's photos.

Meredith: I haven't yet

Cristina: Mummy didn't bring any picture of his lovely son?

Meredith: no hope. By the way… you are a pervert, you know? All parents take pictures of their naked babies.

Lexie: she is right. I have a full box at home (Meredith looks away). I'm sorry…

Meredith: don't be. No way I'd let everybody watch my jelly pouch.

Avery: your what?

Alex: it's a code

Cristina: Sheperd would love that.

Alex: with all those he must have seen…

Meredith: I'm sorry?

Alex: four sisters, Mer. And kids are innocent and pure. I guess Mummy had them sleep together and have shower together…

Cristina: you mean that's the reason why he became a nymphomaniac? (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Alex: maybe

Cristina: and why did she…

Meredith: stop it, Cristina. If you are frustrated about Owen's dimensions, don't get me and Derek in the mix. He was surely a wonderful kid.

Cristina: little Mc Dreamy…

Alex: Mc Dreamy my ass (they all laugh)

* * *

Lexie finds Mark in an OC room, he is sleeping on his stomach, snoring loudly. She smiles sitting on the bed, near him. She has a rose in her hand and, with the petals, she pinches his nose. He crinkles and turns his face away. But she doesn't give up and nips his ear. He tries to push away the annoyance with his hand.

Mark: what the hell… (he looks up and meets his girlfriend's look). Lexie…

Lexie: sorry… You were a so easy target… (he sits on the bed near her)

Mark: what time is it?

Lexie: 2 pm

Mark: crap… I didn't show up for our lunch. I'm sorry.

Lexie: I thought you were concentrated on your surgery but you weren't in the lab. And I heard you snoring from outside.

Mark: that loud? (she nods) I have lost a lot of sleep lately. I guess I need some rest (Lexie's face becomes sad). What?

Lexie: I wanted to ask you sex tonight but… If you're so tired… (she stands up but Mark pulls her down on the bed again)

Mark: no tired for that (he kisses her. When they part she puts the rose between their lips)

Lexie: so do you accept my olive branch?

Mark: it looked like a rose to me (Lexie rolls her eyes)

Lexie: it was metaphorical…

Mark: ok… so sex tonight?

Lexie: if you feel up to…

Mark: are you defying me?

Lexie: no… but you look tired (she strokes his cheek)

Mark: I'm not tired, just frustrated. I've spent hours and hours in the lab in the last three weeks to prepare Mrs. Myer's surgery. And it blew up under my very eyes.

Lexie: I'm sorry

Mark: don't be. If we can't fix it, I'll go back mastering my OR. And I'll be less stressed. And… (he breaths near her neck, Lexie shivers) mmhm I'll be all yours.

Lexie: I can't look forward (her pager beeps and she stands). See you at 7 in the lobby?

Mark: sure

* * *

Sofia enters Derek's trailer. Her eyes immediately on his form, splayed on the bed, fully clothed. She breaths out and opens the curtains.

Sofia: don't bother to pretend you're sleeping.

Derek: trying to…

Sofia: you could tell me you were planning to leave the hospital (she sits on the bed)

Derek: I hadn't planned anything (his voice is muffled by the pillow). I just decided…

Sofia: against you friend's judgment…

Derek: according to their judgment I'd stay hospitalized for months..

Sofia: what if it's what you need?

Derek: I just need silence and peace (he rolls on his back, takes a look at his mum and then strokes his eyes). I didn't want to be rude, mum. But everyone is telling me what I have to do. And I just… couldn't do it anymore.

Sofia: I get that Derek. But I'm worried. You're here, in the middle of nowhere… by yourself. What if you hurt? What if the doctors were right and you start not to feel good?

Derek: I'm a doctor myself, mum. I won't climb hills and swim in the lake. I just want some quiet. And I'll go back home in a couple of days. Fine?

Sofia: ok

Derek: what about you? You didn't tell me you're coming. I'm sorry I blew your surprise…

Sofia: that's the risk of surprises. They work or they don't. But I had a surprise in the surprise for you.

Derek: what do you mean?

Sofia: I'm not alone (she realizes a frown on Derek's face). It's just that I'm not sure I'll let her stay here with you. Despite how much she'd love that. And you used to love that.

Derek: what are you talking about? (she stands up and goes near the window)

Sofia: take a look yourself… (he stands up and looks outside. He turns around stunned to look at his mum). We couldn't keep her far anymore.

Derek: God… she has so grown up.

Sofia: she has. But still she has a soft spot for you.

Derek: I have too

Sofia: what are you doing still here then? (Derek goes out of the trailer. Sofia sees him lingering at the door. Then Morgan, who was picking up flowers, looks towards him and she starts to run. Sofia goes out just in time to see Derek hugging his niece)

* * *

Meredith is sitting in Webber's office with the guests.

Meredith: so that's it. What do you think?

Greg: I'm impressed (his eyes are locked to Meredith's frame)

Rosemary: really impressed (she is reading a document). The Sheperd method looks so simple reading it on this pamphlet…

Meredith: it is, now. It was difficult to achieve what we wanted.

Greg: and how did Sheperd come out with this idea?

Meredith: to tell the truth I came out with this. I had a difficult, emotional case and I started to make researches on how to treat gliomas. Dr. Sheperd did the rest.

Rosemary: according to this you did more than just thinking of it. Labs, tests, surgeries even…

Greg: blood doesn't lies (Rosemary looks up to Greg and then to Meredith, who looks embarrassed). You're Ellis Grey's daughter, right?

Meredith: I am (she gives them a smile and turns on her chair). And I'm even Dr. Sheperd's wife. So that you can close the circle of blood or… whatever… (Greg sends her, and her hand in particular, a cloudy look. Webber comes in with Nelson).

Webber: doctors (he goes sitting behind his desk and Nelson sits near Meredith). So? I'm eager to know your impressions…

Greg: very good. And it's not kissing or flattering. Dr. Grey explained us a lot of things, showed us everything. Now I get why you raised to n. 4 again this year.

Rosemary: just bad your stars were not operating today. It would have been high top treatment (Nelson clears his throat).

Greg: you could make up giving us passes for Mrs. Myer's surgery (Webber's face tenses. Rosemary notices the silence)

Rosemary: I'm sorry Dr. Webber. Greg is a neurosurgeon and, no offence Dr. Nelson, neurosurgeons…

Webber: are arrogant people with over sized egos. It's part of their charme (they all laugh). So I expect good references from the two of you.

Rosemary: of course (Meredith's and Nelson's pagers sound. They share a quick glance to Webber)

Webber: go (they give a nod to the guests and go out)

Greg: is your neurosurgery department complete at the moment? (Rosemary looks at him). I mean… we spent all day with dr. Nelson and his resident and… heard the gossip around. About Sheperd.

Webber: the situation has to be cleared. We need to reassess. And expect Dr. Sheperd to come back as soon as possible (he stands up). I hope you found what you were looking for (they shake hands)

Greg: we have. Goodbye dr. Webber (they go out and Greg leaves a letter on Patricia's desk)

Rosemary: so… what's all this thing about?

Greg: nothing… but I like Seattle. And people down here.

Rosemary: planning to stay?

Greg: maybe… (he takes a look at Meredith who is doing charts at the nurses station)

* * *

Arizona finds Callie in a conference room. She has scans all over the table and is writing notes on a book.

Arizona: hey beautiful (she leans to place a kiss on her cheek)

Callie: hi. You disappeared the whole day.

Arizona: tough case.

Callie: are you ok?

Arizona: I am. I just wonder sometimes why people do kids (Callie raises her eyes on her). They end up hurting each other and, what's worse, they hurt these innocent little people.

Callie: sometimes people are just screwed.

Arizona: maybe. We won't do the same, right?

Callie: what? Screwing each other?

Arizona: no, I have no doubt on that (Callie raises her eyes again, a smile stretching her face). Putting our children in the mix, in our fights.

Callie: our children? (she raises her eyebrows)

Arizona: yeah. What, did you change your mind about that?

Callie: of course not. It's just strange you face this topic.

Arizona: why shouldn't I? I mean… we have talked, we have agreed. No taboos.

Callie: fine

Arizona: To tell the truth, I was just wondering how we are going to do it.

Callie: what?

Arizona: children. Are you too focused on your gossip paper to have this conversation?

Callie: no (she closes the paper).

Arizona: are we going to make actually a baby or are we going to adopt one?

Callie: it's going to be hard… the two of us making babies by ourselves…

Arizona: I know that… White coat: I'm a doctor. I'm over bees and cabbages from a long time. Would you…

Callie: carry a child? (she smiles brightly). Yes… I would. Unless you want to do it…

Arizona: I think it's something we need to discuss quietly…

Callie: yeah…

Arizona: what about dinner at Romeo's tonight?

Callie: it would be great

Arizona: perfect… I leave you with your broken bones now (she stands up to leave. She reaches the door)

Callie: Arizona!

Arizona: yeah? (she stands up and kisses her on the lips)

Callie: I love you

* * *

Owen and Reed are at the ambulance bay. Teddy and Cristina join them

Owen: hey… patient coming?

Teddy: apparently your patient is mine too

Owen: are you sure? Mine is a 7 years old who crushed his bike during a race

Teddy: the paramedics called to say he crushed as he was unconscious: heart was in distress during the way in (silence falls between them. They both look at their residents who are strangely silent). Are the two of you ok?

Cristina: sure

Reed: perfectly fine.

Owen: did you fight or something? (Cristina turns to look at him. She puts an arm around Reed's shoulder).

Cristina: we have just had lunch together, talked, gossiped and everything. We were enjoying the high which comes before saving a life. Right? (Reeds looks at her stunned)

Reed: we were…

Owen: ok… And what have you gossiped about? (Cristina bursts out laughing)

Cristina: you'd like to know it…

Owen: indeed… tell me…

Cristina: trust me, Owewe. It's better you don't.

Owen: have you… (he silences seeing the ambulance getting closer). We'll discuss that later… (the paramedics pull the stretcher out)

Paramedic: Evan, 7 years. He crushes with his bike during a race. Abdomen seems to be crushed. Bp dropping during the way in. Heart's rhythm showed abnormality.

Owen: ok, thanks. Let's go in there (they wheel the stretcher in a visit room. Cristina tests Evan's heart)

Cristina: everything seems fine but we should run blood tests.

Owen: doctor Adamson? (Reed is visiting the chest)

Reed: the abdomen is crushed. I think the spleen is damaged and … (the monitors start beeping continuously). Crap! He is coding!

Owen: crash cart, please!

Reed: haven't you said the heart was fine?

Cristina: it was… (Teddy has taken the paddles)

Teddy: 250.. charge! Clear! (monitors keep beeping). 300! Let's go! Clear! (the heartbeat comes back in the room, doctors breath out in relieve)

Owen: what do we do? Can he take surgery?

Teddy: do you have other options?

Owen: no (they share a quick look). Can you assist? In case he crushes once more and till you don't find out what's going on.

Teddy: sure. Let's go. Cristina… go ahead and book an OR. We're taking him straight in.

* * *

Bailey comes in Webber's office.

Bailey: chief… can I?

Webber: sure, come in.

Bailey: Mr. Davis is fine. Avery is doing Post op.

Webber: good. He is fine, good choice for our department.

Bailey: true. Just don't tell him. He has a thing for himself (Webber chuckles). Any surgeon yet?

Webber: no. They are just avoiding me now. No answers to my calls. And fellows chiefs of surgery are doing nothing to help me. I think they are afraid we could succeed.

Bailey: is this a race or something? (Richard takes off his glasses)

Webber: medicine is a call, Miranda. But it's also competition. No hospital is willing to help another. Sometimes the patient just sets in the lines.

Bailey: that's fool

Webber: I know. I hadn't realized before but we're feared. Since we climbed the ranking again, they fear us. Before it was no problem to have a surgeon come here for a consult. Now… It's always an effort. And I start to get why…

Bailey: that's to say? (he handles a newspaper and Bailey takes it). The surgery yearbook…

Webber: page 15 (she flips pages until she gets to the point. Her eyes narrow in surprise). You see?

Bailey: I do see. Worst moment to piss Sheperd off.

Webber: why so?

Bailey: not that he'd have troubles to find another contract but… this way…

Webber: what?

Bailey: don't you think if he actually wins Harper Avery the main hospitals will come and look for him?

Webber: they will. And this will bring more luster to SGH (Miranda looks at him stunned).

Bailey: not if he doesn't work here anymore. Like he actually isn't doing. Or do you think this is a small, irrelevant particular?

Webber: I think it's not a big deal as long as nobody knows it.

Bailey: everybody still knows it. What do you think all the people here is talking about today?

Webber: I wasn't talking about nurses and patients. But about people of the field.

Bailey: such as the two neuro guests from the east coast? From what I see they would be very happy to step in (she points to a letter on Webber's desk)

Webber: ok, fine. I'm trying to be positive but I'm not. I want to be able to think the situation can be fixed but I'm not. And maybe hiring this guy I can buy some more time. It would be too much…

Bailey: what?

Webber: another of my boys winning that prize and leaving.

Bailey: Burke was gone a long time before. And despite how good he was with a scalpel… I haven't missed him that much. This hair cut instead… (she breaths out) another story (her pager beeps)

* * *

Sofia is putting food in Derek's fridge. Her son and niece are sitting at the table.

Derek: no way…

Morgan: it's right! Tell him granny!

Sofia: yes, sweetie. Your niece has a full track of suitors.

Derek: aren't you too little for this thing?

Morgan: I'm almost six, uncle.

Derek: and what does dad say?

Morgan: nothing to me. But he always says something to mum when he thinks I'm sleeping (Derek raises an eyebrow to her). That boys wants only one thing… (Sofia shares a look with Derek). It's just that he never says what this thing is… Do you know it?

Derek: no… but Mummy and Daddy will tell you when it's time.

Sofia: speaking of time… My cab should be here by now. Are you sure about this, Derek?

Derek: yeah. We're going to have a lot of fun. Aren't we, honey? (Morgan jumps on his knees and kisses him on the cheek)

Morgan: yes. Can we have pancakes for dinner?

Derek: why not? But uncle is going to eat soup (Morgan shows a disgusted face).

Morgan: you hate soup…

Derek: true. But I've eaten too much lately and my tummy aches.

Morgan: so my tummy will ache too?

Derek: no sweetie. Uncle will take care of you.

Sofia: ok then. Her things are in that bag. Despite what she tells you, she must go to bed at 9 (a horn breaks the silence). I need to go (both Derek and Morgan stands up. The girl hugs her grandmother and then jumps on Derek's bed). Promise you won't overdo.

Derek: I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

Sofia: if you need anything… just call, ok?

Derek: don't worry, mum (he gives her a kiss on the cheek and she leaves. He turns around to see Morgan asleep on his bed. He smiles and gets closer. He takes a blanket and covers her)

* * *

Mark enters the elevator and finds Callie there.

Mark: hey

Callie: hey (the elevator stops to the following floor and two doctors go in. Right before the doors close, Callie takes Mark's sleeve and pulls him out without saying anything. Surprise paints Mark's face)

Mark: Torres… what are you doing? (surprise is replaced by worry when he realizes she is going to an OC room). Hey… stop! No sex! (she drags him in and slams the door). I'm not going to have sex with you!

Callie: sex? What are you talking about? (Mark seems to relax)

Mark: sorry. I thought…

Callie: I would rape you? (she sits on the bed) Can you be serious for once? (he sits near her)

Mark: ok. Did you fight with Robbins?

Callie: no. Not at all. She invited me out to talk about babies.

Mark: that's great (she looks at him nervous). Isn't it?

Callie: it is, it is. But I'm freaking out.

Mark: why?

Callie: as I don't know how to do it. The kid's thing…

Mark: what do you mean?

Callie: I mean that when I was with George it was clear how it had to go. You know…(she gestures with her hands to Mark and herself)

Mark: ok…

Callie: now… how is this supposed to be? Just one of us can carry a child. And how can we end up carrying him or her? Will we adopt one? This is driving me crazy…

Mark: hey… slow down. There are so many ways you can do this. Just talk and pick the one you love the most (Callie hides her face).

Callie: that's stupid…

Mark: what?

Callie: when I talked about Arizona's and my kids… I really meant it. Ours. But we can't do it. We can't have children together. They'll be mine or hers. Or none of us' . It's.. I had never thought about this.

Mark: ok… you know what Little Sloan taught me?

Callie: no

Mark: it doesn't matter if a child is biologically yours. What matters is that you love this person as yours. And that's how it will be. Adoption… artificial insemination. No problem. It'll be your kid as long as you love him (he strokes her cheek)

Callie: what the hell happened to my sex friend Mark Sloan? (she laughs)

Mark: he fell. And you fell.

Callie: we fell… And heavily

Mark: but if things go wrong … I can stand again… (Callie takes his hand). Would you consider me as your kid's biological father?

Callie: no! (she pushes his hand away). I don't want my baby to be a whore. In any way.

Mark: but you just told me I had changed!

Callie: deeply inside… you are not. That's how I like you so much.

_

* * *

_

Teddy and Owen are in surgery. Reed is with them while Cristina is not in the OR.

Owen: how is the heart going? (Teddy is sitting near a machine, checking Evan's vitals)

Teddy: fine by now. We'll know more when Cristina comes back. I sent her to pick his exams (the door opens and Cristina comes in). So?

Cristina: blood tests reveal a high degree of enzymes. It looks like he had a heart attack.

Owen: what? He is 7… (Teddy picks the scans and the labs). He is doing sport. How can he be cleared for activity if he has a malformation?

Teddy: it's what I'm trying to get…

Cristina: what if it's not a malformation?

Teddy: what do you mean?

Cristina: what if the heart is too big and it can't pump enough blood?

Teddy: I have thought about it too. But there is no way to check that unless…

Owen: opening him up. At the moment it's not an option. Adamson…

Reed: yes sir (she clamps in the child's cavity)

Cristina: we couldn't have another shot at it, though (her eyes meet Teddy's. The surgeon clears her throat)

Teddy: we'll wait till Hunt and Adamson are done with the spleen. Then we'll see what to do (she lets Cristina sit near the screen and she goes near the table). Look at that…

Owen: it's a miracle he didn't bleed out.

Teddy: can you save it?

Owen: not the whole… (he laughs)

Teddy: what's so funny?

Owen: do you remember our bicycles races? (Teddy laughs too)

Teddy: it's better I don't

Owen: we piled up every time.

Teddy: you piled up. I always tried to get my line but you… you just couldn't accept defeat and bumped me all the time…

Owen: that's not true!

Teddy: it is… you just hadn't enough balls to admit I was faster than you (Reed's giggles and sends a knowing look to Cristina. Owen catches it). Boy's pride…

Owen: it wasn't about pride. I just don't get how you could pedal so quickly… You hadn't muscles to do it…

Teddy: dexterity is not always about muscles.

Owen: I'd rather say it's not always about dimensions. Am I right dr. Yang? (a thick silence falls in the OR)

Cristina: I don't know. I don't do bicycles.

Owen: you just do a lot of words, though (both Cristina and Teddy look at him stunned)

Teddy: Owen…

Owen: we are done here (he takes off his glasses). Page me if you need something. Thank you everybody (he leaves the OR).

Teddy: what the hell was that about?

* * *

Meredith is crossing the lobby. Webber joins her, his briefcase and coat in one hand.

Webber: Meredith…

Meredith: chief…

Webber: you did great today… Dr. Watson and They were enthusiastic about the hospital.

Meredith: it's not my credit. I have just shown them stuff…

Webber: yeah… how is Derek? (Meredith looks at him and then avoids his staring)

Meredith: chief…

Webber: I just want to know how he is. It's not a second order question. I saw him this morning but we didn't talk that much. I thought it was better to let him be. I just want to know if he is fine.

Meredith: he is not. But his mom is in Seattle with his favorite niece. They can work him out (she breaths out). What do you plan to do? (Webber seems surprised)

Webber: I really don't know. I want him back. We all want him back. But first of all I want him to be fine. Yesterday was… awful (Meredith searches his eyes). Just meeting that man was exhausting, looking at him… I don't know how he could manage to do it.

Meredith: what did he… (she swallows, words fail her)

Webber: he apologized. And then… they talked alone for some minutes. I don't know what they said to each other. Derek loves you. He'll tell you.

Meredith: I don't really know if I want to know. I don't know what to do (she wipes some tear away). I need him to stay here, but I can't force him to. It's just that leaving this place would be… (she breaths out)

Webber: talk to him

Meredith: I won't play the guilty card on him.

Webber: it's not that. You're his wife. He'll hear you out. Do you really think leaving could solve his problems?

Meredith: I don't know. Sometimes starting new can help. Derek has already done it once. Driving 600 miles in a trailer across the country apparently helped him out.

Webber: that was different. Anyway… I'll think of something, ok? I'll let him alone a couple of days and then… I'll go see him. If you allow me to your home, it's clear.

Meredith: he's not home. He drove to his land.

Webber: alone?

Meredith: his mom should be there (her cell rings). I'm sorry, chief. I have to be back in an hour and I really would like to eat something.

Webber: sure. See you tomorrow

_

* * *

_

_Finally it's not time._

_We shape time. _

_We forge things according to our beliefs._

_Science can change boundaries between right and wrong, immoral and moral._

_But what we were taught to believe in…_

_Sometimes it bells when you wouldn't expect it._

_

* * *

_

Arizona and Callie are eating silently. Arizona passes the towel on her lips.

Arizona: so… have you thought about it?

Callie: about what?

Arizona: children… motherhood… adoption. All the topics we've been discussing and arguing for about three months.

Callie: yeah…

Arizona: and…

Callie: don't know (she nearly chokes on a potato. Arizona looks at her suspiciously)

Arizona: ok, Callie. Spit it out…

Callie: fine… Do you think it's right? I mean… I'm not judging… I'm just asking. Do you think it's right we want to have a baby?

Arizona: of course it is. We love each other.

Callie: is it enough? We are two women.

Arizona: I know. And two adults can wish to have a baby.

Callie: two adults of the same sex. Aren't kids supposed to have a mother and a father?

Arizona: you're freaking out.

Callie: I am. I keep dreaming about the Judgement. We are sinners… (she swallows a glass of wine and Arizona looks amused at her. She takes her hand)

Arizona: Callie, breathe (Callie is waving a menu to get some air). What all this comes from?

Callie: I don't know. I have wanted a baby all my life and now… now that I can have it… all way around…

Arizona: all way around?

Callie: whatever! I have a person I love, I'm ready to be a mum but…

Arizona: we are having ethical issues

Callie: yes. How are we going to do it in the first place?

Arizona: I don't know. Answering your earlier question… I wouldn't carry a child. Unless it's necessary

Callie: ok…

Arizona: and you?

Callie: I wouldn't carry a child which is not yours

Arizona: what does this mean?

Callie: I don't want to screw some random man to get pregnant

Arizona: I have never considered it an option.

Callie: no?

Arizona: I was rather thinking to insemination… if you want to…

Callie: what if we just adopted one?

Arizona: why not?

Callie: I mean..,. It wouldn't be mine. It wouldn't be yours.

Arizona: just ours…

Callie: ours (she smiles widely and they take each other hand)

* * *

_Life can make us shy and fearful when we used to be brave and self-confident._

_

* * *

_

Mark enters his home, he closes the door kicking it. He sets his keys on the counter and Lexie sneaks behind his back, putting a tie over his eyes.

Mark: hey…

Lexie: shhh…. We'll do it my way tonight…

Mark: that's not right. You have banished me and now I'm a blind slave?

Lexie: yes (she pushes him towards their bedroom)

Mark: Lexie…

Lexie: shut up if you don't want to be banished for the next month too (she pushes him down on the bed)

Mark: I surrender (he raises his hands and Lexie lies splayed on him)

Lexie: it's not going to be that bad (she drops kisses all over his face). I promise (she finally kisses him on the lips)

* * *

_It can rip apart old wounds . And have them bleed more than before._

_We were… _

_Are we finally sure life changed us so much?_

_

* * *

_

Cristina enters the dining room to find Owen waiting for her sitting on the couch, a glass of scotch in his hand.

Cristina: hey… I thought you went to your mum's

Owen: I'm going later. I just wanted to talk to you.

Cristina: Evan is fine (she sits in front of him)

Owen: I'm happy but it's not what I want to talk about.

Cristina: oh… ok

Owen: you can't do that, Cristina.

Cristina: do what?

Owen: talking about my private things with people to happen to be my employees.

Cristina: your employees? These people happen to be my friends too!

Owen: Reed Adamson is your friend now? How did it happen?

Cristina: it happened having lunch together. We were talking and she was there too

Owen: too?

Cristina: with the others…

Owen: so you talked to everyone about my… things?

Cristina: what are you… pride hurt?

Owen: this is not about my male ego.

Cristina: about what then? I'm your girlfriend but I'm even a resident. When I talked to my friends I'm supposed to talk about personal stuff.

Owen: that's right what I meant. Your personal stuff. Not mine.

Cristina: my personal stuff is about you.

Owen: you should choose what it's appropriate to tell and what is not.

Cristina: it happens that Meredith always talks about Derek. And I'm supposed to talk about you.

Owen: so you discuss who if the biggest and teen agers things like that?

Cristina: sometimes… But it's nothing mischievous (Owen strokes his eyes tiredly). It's a girl thing, ok?

Owen: I guess I will have to live with that… (Cristina stands up and goes sitting near him)

Cristina: I'm sorry if I bothered you. I didn't mean to have you feel embarrassed or anything. It's just that…

Owen: what?

Cristina: If I follow other's topics and I say something, I'm not forced to tell things about my youth. I talked about your stupid photos not to have to tell about me, of how I never had one as, after my dad died, we've never had a normal holiday again. I didn't feel up to share these things with all of them. With Meredith, ok. Maybe Karev… but not all the Westers. And Meredith does the same. I'm sorry (Owen hugs her)

Owen: I'm sorry I overreacted.

Cristina: no, you're right. And I should tell Reed to keep things we say at lunch out of the OR.

Owen: don't worry about that. I can live with some gossip.

Cristina: so you'll let your mum show me other tons of naked-you photos?

Owen: I got rid of them. Last night. After you left (Cristina giggles). I have to keep some dignity and my mum… she is too much in love with me to realize I was not that masterpiece after all.

Cristina: you are her masterpeice. And mine too (she looks at him, a grin on her face). Finally, spreading the seed in the hospital you are low equipped can just help me to keep nurses and fans away.

Owen: I don't have any fan.

Cristina: you've grown up. But you're still naive, Owewe (he pulls her in a hug on his knees)

Owen: shut up

* * *

_We are still afraid of being lonely, of being cheated, of being left behind._

_We grow adults. But finally we are still kids inside_

_

* * *

_

Derek and his niece are playing baseball in the yard in front of the trailer. Morgan hits the ball with her little bat and runs to hug Derek laughing loudly. Derek picks her up and kisses her forehead, he starts walking towards the porch.

Derek: ok, Morgan. We are done playing for today.

Morgan: no, once more please!

Derek: no. I've promised granny you'd go to sleep at 9. And you've been already playing in your pajama. If your mum knows…

Morgan: but she won't know.

Derek: she would… and, anyway, you have to sleep if you want to grow up.

Morgan: I don't wanna. I just want to stay here with you.

Derek: I'll be here tomorrow morning when you wake up (Morgan is about to say something, but she keeps silent. Derek arrives under the porch and sits on a wide chair, Morgan on his knees)

Morgan: what are we doing?

Derek: I want you to fall asleep looking at this beautiful sunset (Morgan crouches on his chest, her head on the crock of his neck. He strokes her hair)

Morgan: it's like a fable…

Derek: it is.

Morgan: is it true there are bears in your wood?

Derek: probably. But they don't come close.

Morgan: I'm scared of bears

Derek: you don't have to be. You're safe here. And tomorrow I'll bring you to meet rabbits and chipmunks.

Morgan: can I feed them?

Derek: sure.

Morgan: will you cook them pancakes too?

Derek: I think they prefer to eat nuts.

Morgan: just as they haven't eaten your pancakes… They are the most yummy in the word.

Derek: better not to share them…

Morgan: I met your princess today

Derek: Meredith?

Morgan: she is beautiful

Derek: just sleep now (he places a kiss on her forehead. Silence falls and Derek looks at the wonderful sight in front of him. He takes a bottle of beer from the table and takes a sip. After some seconds he raises Morgan's chin and realizes she is sleeping. He stands up smiling keeping her in his arms and enters the trailer. He kicks off his shoes and lays the little girl on the bed. He lies himself, pulls the sheet over them and closes his eyes. After some seconds he feels someone tugging at his shirt. He opens his eyes to see Morgan who, asleep, has rolled on her back and is hiding her face against his chest, her little arm on his side)

Derek: uncle… (she talks sleepily. Derek looks down at her)

Derek: shhh… I'm here… Sleep

Morgan: ok… I'm happy you are not mad at me anymore (the smile disappears from Derek's face. He strokes her face and a tear rolls down his face)

* * *

_We were kids._

_We were sincere, true and joyful._

_We could hurt people innocently_

_What happened to us?_


	25. LIGHTENING

__

Hope you enjoy! Please read and review!

* * *

_Lightening and realization…_

_Two sides of the same coin._

_Lightening is a bolt of thunder… like when you eat ice cream for the first time. Or have sex for the first time._

_Well… more like sex._

_Realization is more like a snail._

_It digs a hole under your feet and you don't get it till you're falling._

_Slow and painfully._

_Slow and painfully_

_

* * *

_

Derek is still asleep in his bed. Morgan is on her knees on a chair, she is looking out. A grimace of surprise appears on her face and she jumps down the chair and runs to the bed. She takes her pillow and starts hitting Derek.

Morgan: uncle! Wake up!

Derek: what? Whats going on? (he talks sleepily, his eyes still closed)

Morgan: wake up! (she hits him once more and he finally opens his eyes)

Derek: what? Don't you feel good? (she takes his hand and pulls him out of bed. He strokes his eyes following her to the window)

Morgan: look! (she points to the porch where three chipmunks are running and playing. A smile appears on Derek's face)

Derek: you see? I told you there were a lot. Just have breakfast now and we'll go to feed them later (he goes near the fridge and takes a plate out. He sets plates and glasses on the table and the little girl goes sitting. She takes her fork)

Morgan: pancakes?

Derek: sure (he sits down with a bowl of milk and cereals. He pours her a glass of orange juice). That's the best way to start a new day (Morgan is eating huge bites of pancakes. Derek looks at her, he swallows and looks down to his bowl)

Morgan: are you ok? Does your tummy ache again?

Derek: no, I'm fine. Can I ask you something?

Morgan: sure…

Derek: why do you think I was mad at you? (Morgan keeps silent and puts her fork down). Sweetie?

Morgan: weren't you? (she looks up and Derek notices her eyes are lucid. He stands up and kneels besides her chair)

Derek: I have never been mad at you.

Morgan: so why did you just leave? (Derek swallows once more noticing the sadness in her eyes)

Derek: I was mad at Auntie Addison, not at you. We had a fight and… uncle Richard called me and… I decided to move here…

Morgan: so it was not because of me?

Derek: honey… I love you (he hugs her) and I've missed you so much…

Morgan: I love you too… (Derek lets her go)

Derek: eat your pancakes… Our little friends are waiting for us outside (Morgan resumes her breakfast, Derek puts his bowl in the sink, he wipes some tear away)

* * *

Mark arrives at the nurses station, already in his scrubs. He meets Callie there.

Mark: morning (he massages his neck and Callie eyes him suspiciously)

Callie: morning… Little Grey had you sleep on the couch? (she keeps writing her chart. Mark leans on the counter with an elbow, his mouth close to her ear, a smirk on his face)

Mark: she had me… many times…. Not sleeping at all (Callie turns to him, she sees his smug expression)

Callie: so did you finally get laid?

Mark: told you she couldn't resist that much to me…

Callie: remind me to thank her (she looks up to him). You'll stop being an ass, won't you?

Mark: I wasn't

Callie: you so were. A frustrated, moaning, complaining pain in the ass.

Mark: thank you for supporting me (she starts walking down the corridor and he follows her). How did it do?

Callie: what?

Mark: your romantic dinner… (she stops abruptly and Mark nearly bumps into her)

Callie: I have a case now (a frown appears on his face to see her nervous face). I'll tell you later, ok?

Mark: when you want (she gives him a small smile and leaves)

* * *

All the residents are in the locker room changing. Meredith is tying her shoes, her stethoscope around her neck. Cristina is sitting near her on the bench, yawning and stretching. Meredith eyes her.

Meredith: dirty night?

Cristina: I wish … Owen went to Mummy…

Meredith: why don't you go too?

Cristina: sure… She already hates me… A shouting orgasm wouldn't make me go on top of the ranking…

Alex: why not? It's not that you'd be shouting by yourself… (Cristina looks at Meredith who is laughing). Every mum wants her son to be happy…

Cristina: to be happy… not to be screwed…

Meredith: this kind of screwing would make him happy…

Cristina: like you'd make Derek with She Sheperd in the next room

Meredith: I would make him everywhere… (Meredith lets out a breath and Cristina looks at her. She swallows realizing she must have touched a nerve).

Cristina: I'm sorry… It was a stupid thing to say

Meredith: don't worry. We are friends. Friends are supposed to talk and laugh about sex. It's just that I miss him.

Alex: he can be ready…

Cristina: I guess Derek is more than ready…

Meredith: I don't know. He used to talk about sex. Being flirty and all that stuff… Now… he doesn't even mention it.

Alex: he was in a hospital, Mer. We know that the two of you are wild at home and in OC rooms. But his room… I guess it would have been too much even for him.

Meredith: I think he has some issue… With himself… with scares and everything…

Cristina: have you talked to him?

Meredith: sure… with all that he's got in his plate now he surely needs his wife complaining about no sex…

Cristina: he needs his wife. And to go back to normalcy. Is there normalcy in your life without sex? (Meredith breaths out)

Alex: don't you dare to say yes… With all that I had to stand in the last years… (he closes his locker room)

Cristina: you shocked little Karev… (Lexie comes into the room, a wide smile on her face)

Lexie: hey (she opens her locker singing. Everyone looks at her)

Alex: you know Mer…

Meredith: what? (her brows are still up)

Alex: it must be genetic. Greys are addicted to sex (he leaves the room and Lexie turns to face them. She notices everyone is looking at her)

Lexie: what?

Meredith: nothing. We are just jealous as we are getting any (she stands up and pats her shoulder). I'm proud of you (they go out and Lexie is alone)

Lexie: I'm proud of myself too…

* * *

Owen is coming out from his mum's house. He closes the door behind himself and finds his uncle in front of him.

Owen: I told you not to show up here.

Sean: your mum's not home. I wanted to talk to you.

Owen: we have nothing more to say to each other. Go away (he tries to walk past him but the man takes his arm and stops him). What?

Sean: I'm trying to help you…

Owen: help me?

Sean: it's important, Owen. It will take just two minutes (Owen opens the door and they go into the house. His uncle lingers in the hall looking around). This place didn't change at all.

Owen: you know mum. She likes to keep things like they were (Sean touches an old frame of his brother). What did you want to talk about? (his uncle's eyes search the room and then settles on him).

Sean: you need to call the police

Owen: excuse me? (his uncle sits on a chair and hides his face)

Sean: I owe some money to a money lender.

Owen: what?

Sean: when I was released… I bet…

Owen: why in hell can't you just stay out of troubles?

Sean: I think I just can't. It's written in my DNA.

Owen: how much?

Sean: 50

Owen: for Christ Sake (he rakes a hand through his hair)

Sean: I didn't… I didn't want to come to your mum or to you. But I was scared.

Owen: it is a bit late to be scared.

Sean: I know…

Owen: why don't you call the police yourself?

Sean: I have no evidence. But you can have it…

Owen: how?

Sean: they plan to come here (Owen sits on a chair). They know you are a surgeon and… they think you may have jewels or something… (Owen strokes his eyes)

Owen: so I should prepare them a party…

Sean: yeah

Owen: how could you drag my mother into this again?

Sean: I'm sorry

Owen: stop saying you're sorry! You are just a selfish who can keep his ass off troubles. And put us always in the lines

Sean: I know. But I want to repair this. That's why I'm here.

* * *

Cristina and Teddy are outside Evan's room. They are checking the morning labs.

Teddy: Enzymes are still high

Cristina: we should do something…

Teddy: I know… But we have to wait for Dr. Hunt to check on the patient

Richard: doctors (they both turn to him). How is he doing?

Teddy: heart is still in distress. I suggest surgery. But I needed dr. Hunt to give his consent.

Richard: Dr. Hunt took a day off today

Cristina: what? (Richard looks at her but avoid answering)

Richard: I'm going to check on his vitals (he goes in the room with Reed and Teddy. Cristina pulls her cell out and dials a number. The answering machine starts its message and she hangs up. She goes in the room where Richard is reading the chart). Parameters are fine. What do you suspect?

Teddy: a stroke (Richard raises his eyes to her, the chart still open)

Richard: in a 7 years old?

Teddy: I know it's rare but it could be. Yesterday I thought of opening him up and take a look. But since the first surgery was more complicated, I'd try to make a scan first.

Richard: why?

Teddy: Dr. Yang?

Cristina: if we are lucky the scan could reveal the malformation which causes the problems.

Richard: if we're lucky?

Cristina: better than opening him up blindly (Richard is about to speak when Teddy comes in Cristina's help).

Teddy: I think that, what Dr. Yang is trying to say, is that we can have a chance to see the problem. And then making surgery when all is clear. Opening him up without knowing… the procedure would be longer and his little body got already so much stress… (Richard eyes them both)

Richard: ok, proceed. But keep me informed (he handles Teddy the chart and goes away. Teddy leans on a desk and starts writing)

Teddy: so… what about Owen?

Cristina: I have no idea. He told me nothing yesterday evening. And today he's not answering the cell (she tries to call again but all she gets is the answering machine). It's off.

Teddy: he is kind of a bungler… you know him. Maybe he just forgot about something he had to do.

Cristina: yeah… maybe

Teddy: don't worry about him. I'm sure he'll call you (she gives her a small smile). So… are you in?

Cristina: sure Dr. Altman

* * *

Alex joins Mark in a patient's room. He lingers at the door noticing the doctor is talking to her patient, a 65 years old. Mark throws a glance at him and keeps writing her chart.

Mark: this is your doctor, Mrs. Walsh

Walsh: weren't you my doctor?

Mark: I am. But Dr. Karev is too. He is my resident. And he'll take care of you today, have you in labs and prepped for surgery.

Walsh: is he good?

Mark: great… you'll like him

Walsh: I still do. But I'm too old for him (she sends Mark a mischievous look that he doesn't see as he's writing).

Mark: you are great, Mrs. Walsh. And after this you'll be even better (he closes the chart and gives her a smile). Now we leave you alone for two minutes, ok?

Walsh: ok. See you later (the two doctors go out and enter a conference room. Mark sits)

Mark: you're late

Alex: sorry. I got stuck in the pit.

Mark: you left me with her alone… (Alex shrugs and crosses his arms in front of his chest) That woman eats men…

Alex: what is she scheduled for? (he sits near Mark)

Mark: lifting to arms and lips. Apparently her date dumped her for a younger woman. She wants to shine up a bit.

Alex: how old is she?

Mark: 69

Alex: I wouldn't have said it… She looks much younger.

Mark: she does. And, what's more important, she feels.

Alex: that's good.

Mark: do you think so?

Alex: I mean… it's good that women take care of themselves even if they are over… their youth. And that they keep being light hearted.

Mark: I agree. But, in our job, there's nothing more dangerous that a mature woman who just can't accept the ruling of time.

Alex: and do you think Mrs. Walsh can't?

Mark: haven't you noticed how she mapped your ass? And how her eyes never left my…. low parts?

Alex: I've kind of noticed she was drooling on you.

Mark: it was not me. She feels younger, she sees herself younger. And she thinks others see her younger too. And it can be true, but not in the way she thinks.

Alex: sorry… I didn't get the meaning of what you were saying.

Mark: I'm saying she thinks… (Mark lifts his eyes and sees the puzzled expression on Alex's face) Never mind. Just make normal labs on her. I have to visit a patient to dismiss him. You find me in room 2657 if you need me. And when you're done with her… (he pats Alex's shoulder and leaves)

* * *

Derek and Morgan are on the ferryboat. Morgan is running on the deck.

Derek: Morgan… wait (she stops, the wind moving her hair)

Morgan: I wanna go there (Derek joins her and takes her hand)

Derek: and we are going there. Just wait for me, ok? I don't want to call granny to tell her you fell off the boat (Morgan breaths out)

Morgan: I'm not a kid anymore, Uncle. I know what is dangerous and what is not (she turns around and pulls him towards the railing. Derek picks her up)

Derek: do you like the ferry?

Morgan: yes. Mum never takes me at home. She says it's low and old. She used it when she was a kid and now she prefers the subway.

Derek: it's sad.

Morgan: really sad. And scary.

Derek: I think that too. So… these supporters of yours… Do I have to worry?

Morgan: what are you, jealous?

Derek: no

Morgan: you are jealous!

Derek: maybe, a little… Just protective, ok?

Morgan: ok (she smiles widely)

Derek: so… anyone in particular?

Morgan: John is my favorite.

Derek: and how is he?

Morgan: dark hair, blue eyes. It looks a lot like you.

Derek: I'm flattered.

Morgan: if your baby is a boy, could we get married?

Derek: you'd be a little too old for him…

Morgan: you're older than Auntie Meredith.

Derek: true… we'll see what happens, ok?

Morgan: ok (she kisses him on the cheek and they both look at the close city of Seattle)

* * *

Meredith joins Cristina who is leaning against a nurses station sipping a coffee.

Meredith: hey…

Cristina: hi.

Meredith: how is your day going?

Cristina: fine. I'm doing a surgery at 15. 7 years with heart failures. Tough case. You?

Meredith: I'm on Nelson's post ops. Nothing special (they keep silence for some seconds, Meredith's cell beeps and she reads the text on it). Derek's coming for lunch with his niece.

Cristina: it's good if he comes here.

Meredith: I don't know… How is it going with Owen's mum? No more hard photos?

Cristina: no. And I had quite a fight with him yesterday about that. He was disappointed I spoke about the photos.

Meredith: men… they just can't laugh about themselves. I haven't seen him today…

Cristina: it appears he took the day off. Without saying a word.

Meredith: maybe he got the flu…

Cristina: maybe. He hasn't answered the phone so I don't know (Meredith's pager beeps)

Meredith: it's one of my post ops. See you at the cafeteria in 30 minutes?

Cristina: ok…

* * *

Mark is sitting at the cafeteria eating a sandwich. Callie arrives setting her tray on the table. She sits breathing out loudly.

Callie: hey… I thought you'd be in an Oc room retrieving the lost time

Mark: I can wait till tonight. And Lexie is in the pit suturing a kid who fell with his bike on a cactus.

Callie: ouch… (she bites her salad)

Mark: so… did the two of you find an agreement?

Callie: kind of… Arizona doesn't want to carry a child. And I don't want to carry one if it's not hers. So I think adoption is the best option (Mark looks at her)

Mark: mmm

Callie: what?

Mark: nothing.

Callie: Mark… talk (she slams the fork on the table and Mark flinches). Sorry..

Mark: how much are you satisfied about this agreement?

Callie: it appears I'm not.

Mark: so why did you stop arguing?

Callie: because I think it's all I can have.

Mark: so if you push Robbins will run away?

Callie: I've got this feeling

Mark: look… I'm not the best counselor… on the contrary. I might be the worst. But you're young. And beautiful.

Callie: would it be different if I was ugly?

Mark: no. Just let me finish, okay?

Callie: sorry…

Mark: you're young. And you can make a baby in the traditional way. I mean… not absolutely traditional but… carry him. What is the difference between adopt a baby who is not yours and carry a baby who is not yours?

Callie: theoretically, nothing.

Mark: theoretically?

Callie: having babies for lesbian couples if sort of taboo, Mark. What if this is just egoism?

Mark: you want to build a family with a person you love…

Callie: who happens to be a woman. A baby would need a mum and a dad.

Mark: it's true. But take a look around. I've grown up alone. The closest thing I had to a mother was Mrs. Sheperd. Derek grew up with a lonely mother. Meredith… her dad left her and her mother was never around. There are ideal families. And there are screwed families. I think a kid needs someone who loves him. You're two women, nobody can deny that. And I can't tell you if what you want is right or wrong. But what I can tell you is that you're two good people. You'd do your best to raise a kid. It's up to your conscience, to your cultural and religious background to understand if that's enough or not.

Callie: I know. It's just that my religious background is kicking my conscience right now.

* * *

The residents are sitting at the cafeteria eating. Alex arrives and throws his tray on the table. It's full of cakes and biscuits.

Avery: have you a glycemic cryses?

Alex: patient's crises.

Cristina: so it's true…

Reed: what?

Cristina: he has a 70 years old after his bones (Meredith giggles)

Alex: she's after everything who breaths' bones.

Cristina: what are you, shocked again? (Avery laughs)

Alex: just imagine your grandma hitting on me… Would you be happy? (the others seem to shiver at the image). Yeah… just what I thought… I need this… (he hates a bite of chocolate cake)

Meredith: I told Derek's mum to bring her niece at my place tonight. I'll go to the trailer to talk to Derek.

Alex: not to talk to him (he keeps eating huge bites of cake)

Meredith: whatever… (she raises her eyes and sees Derek approaching with Morgan). Ok.. all of you, shut up now. Derek is coming here with his niece. No sex talking with her niece here.

Cristina: are you afraid she can take example?

Meredith: yeah… I'm already the slutty intern. I don't want to become the child's misleader. So shut up (she stands up to meet Derek, a wide smile on her face) Hey (she kisses him on the lips and then sits down again. Derek sits too with Morgan on his knees. The girl is eating an ice cream)

Derek: good morning

Morgan: hi (the guys look at her smiling)

Cristina: she looks like you

Derek: she's my niece (he kisses her, Meredith clears her throat)

Meredith: so… what did you do this morning?

Morgan: we've fed chipmunks and rabbits and fishes. And then we had a run on the ferry.

Meredith: it sounds funny!

Cristina: it sounds boring to me.

Morgan: it was funny… I have a thing for ferry…

Cristina: it must be Sheperd's trademark

Morgan: why are you so mean with uncle? (Cristina's eyes narrow at the question, the others start to laugh)

Derek: yeah, why? (he sets a chip in his mouth laughing)

Cristina: don't shield behind an innocent, Sheperd. Ferry are old and low

Morgan: it's what mum says

Cristina: you see? Mums are always right

Morgan: are you a mum too? (Alex nearly chokes on his coke)

Cristina: no. But I'm always right anyway (all their pagers beep simultaneously and they stand up to leave)

Reed – Avery – Alex – Cristina: dr. Sheperd (he gives them a nod and stands up setting Morgan on a chair, Meredith stands up too)

Meredith: I have to go.

Derek: I'll call you later

Meredith: no need. I'll come to the trailer tonight (she kisses him and rests her hands on his chest). And Morgan and your mum will go to my place

Derek: naughty plans, doctor Grey? (he gives her a smirk and Meredith smiles)

Meredith: maybe (she kisses him again, licking his lips). Wait and see. Hi Morgan (she leaves running and Derek sits back)

* * *

Bailey enters the scrub room and meets the Chief.

Bailey: chief… you paged?

Richard: yes. Altman is going to perform a heart procedure on a child who had a splenectomy yesterday. Can you assist?

Bailey: sure.

Richard: I've already paged Adamson. She'll be here too.

Bailey: ok (she has started to scrub in).

Richard: I have a meeting with the Board. We need to re asset some department (Bailey looks at him bewildered)

Bailey: already? You said you could buy some time…

Richard: I'm not talking about Derek. There… I think I can joke them around. I'm talking about general.

Bailey: what about general?

Richard: Derek was planning this for some time. We had agreed. Since what happened, it's up to me to close the circle.

Bailey: can you just stop using metaphors and crap like this?

Richard: I'm going to propose you as head of general (Bailey's mouth falls open). Since you overcome the peds crisis… the position fits on you.

Bailey: are you going to retire, chief?

Richard: no, I'd say no. But I've never lived a situation like this.

Bailey: what do you mean?

Richard: the person I chose to take my legacy is in the woods… again. And I see nobody now who could follow my path. You will, someday. But you still need to grow. I made my time, Bailey. As chief, I made my time. The only way, the only place where I still can do, give something is beyond this window, it's in there. That's why I want to name you Head of my… our department. This place needs a change, this place needs brand new. I raised my kids to do better than me. You'll do better. You have to do better (Cristina and Teddy enter the room, they both get they are breaking something)

Teddy: I'm sorry… We can wait out if we…

Richard: we're done. Fix that child. I'm gonna try to fix mine (he goes out the room)

* * *

Mark joins Alex who is waiting outside Mrs. Walsh's room.

Mark: you paged?

Alex: yes… I think you should see this (he handles him the patient's labs)

Mark: leucocytes and platelets are very low…

Alex: yes. Can she have surgery like this?

Mark: no. The risks of bleeding are too high (he is flipping the pages of the exams).

Alex: is this because of hormones?

Mark: Yes, but not hers, by the way. What she takes to look like a fancy woman. Her body is flowed with crap. And it starts failing (he closes the chart). Let's go in there (they enter the room and find the patient reading a magazine. She drops it smiling when she sees them coming)

Walsh: here are my favorite doctors…

Mark: Mrs. Walsh…

Walsh: you can call me Emily… (Mark sits on the bed smiling)

Mark: Emily…

Walsh: good…. So, are we ready to give me my perfect new lips?

Mark: to tell the truth there is some problem… (her smile fades)

Walsh: what kind of problem?

Mark: dr. Karev…

Alex: your exams showed low levels of leucocytes and platelets.

Walsh: what does this mean?

Alex: that your body is in distress and can not produce the right quantity anymore.

Walsh: so, is it bad?

Mark: not as long as you're fine. But enduring a surgery right now could be dangerous.

Walsh: can't you inject them?

Mark: these are not things you inject without reason.

Walsh: but there's a reason here. I need to have this surgery.

Mark: you don't need surgery, Emily. You want it. It's kind of different.

Walsh: but you agreed…

Mark: I did. And I'd do again. But not if your health can be compromised (woman's face hardens and becomes serious). I know what you're thinking. I'm not the one who wants to cheapen plastic surgery. I do that for a living. But I can't suggest you a not necessary surgery who could kill you.

Walsh: dr. Sloan… you're over worrying here. This can't kill me. I have done many injections till now. Nobody has ever told me about side effects.

Mark: they should have. Using… abusing hormones and botox at your age…

Walsh: my age? That's really rude to say to a woman

Mark: it's really rude but it's the truth. And the truth, in my job, is the only thing which counts. I can't let you have this surgery as it could kill you. The rate of leucocytes in your blood is under any recommended level. You've a great chance to get a mortal infection after the surgery. If you survive the surgery… As, we had a problem, we couldn't stop the bleeding as your blood is platelets less.

Walsh: so that's the point… you're afraid to surgeon me as you could make no mistake?

Mark: I'm the best. But complications happen. And I don't want to kill you if it's not strictly necessary.

Walsh: well… release me as I'm going somewhere else

Mark: Emily…

Walsh: it's Mrs Walsh to you

Mark: Mrs. Walsh… I highly recommend you not to try this surgery. Nowhere. And take this advice… No surgeon should accept to do that. If someone does, just question his reasons. I'm sorry (he stands up and they both leave)

Alex: do you think she'll back off?

Mark: I hope… but I don't think so (he signs a form and handles it to Alex). Let her go

* * *

Cristina is on the catwalk looking down in the hall. She notices a woman going into the front door and she recognizes Hunt's mum. She quickly goes down the stairs to meet her.

Cristina: Mrs. Hunt…

Sandra: Cristina! Sorry I'm late …

Cristina: late?

Sandra: for our dinner… (she notices Cristina's puzzled expression). Has Owen said anything to you?

Cristina: no… To tell the truth I haven't talked to him the whole day. He didn't show up at work and never answered my calls. Is he fine?

Sandra: I think so. I met him at home this morning. And he told me to come here to have dinner with the both of you in town (Cristina's face tenses). But I may have misunderstood… (Cristina is silent). I just go home… never mind… (she turns to leave and makes some step to the door)

Cristina: Mrs. Hunt … (she makes some step towards her and the woman turns around) I'm sorry… I'm sorry…. Maybe he just forgot to tell me. It's not important.

Sandra: it is. Are you worried about him?

Cristina: yeah… with your brother in law in town… Owen's always alert

Sandra: I shouldn't have asked his help. I messed up your life.

Cristina: don't say that. Owen cares about you. And I'm happy he cares (silence lingers in the air)

Sandra: so dinner…

Cristina: sure. Where are we supposed to meet him?

Sandra: at Sam's, in half an hour.

Cristina: I go to change then. Do you want to wait in the cafeteria?

Sandra: yes. I love your cappuccino

* * *

Derek is walking down the corridor holding his niece's hand. He looks down at her smiling.

Derek: would you like to see something special?

Morgan: more special than chipmunks?

Derek: far more special

Morgan: ok then… (they walked at the end of the corridor and turn left. They stop in front of the nursery and Derek picks her up to let her see through the window. Morgan's face lights up in surprise) They're cute!

Derek: yeah… they are really beautiful

Morgan: why are they so tiny?

Derek: we are all tiny when we are born

Morgan: mum told me I was big.

Derek: you were big amongst the tiny… I remember when I saw you for the first time. You had all this beautiful red hair. You were the cutest baby ever…

Morgan: I'm hungry

Derek: let's go (he carries her to the elevator and they step in when it opens. Derek sees Bailey in and he nods to her)

Bailey: Sheperd…

Derek: hi Bailey.

Bailey: I find you well

Derek: I'm, thanks (she goes back reading her chart and Derek looks at her. He swallows) I'm sorry (Bailey keeps reading) I'm sorry (she looks at him)

Bailey: are you talking to me?

Derek: of course I am. I'm sorry for yesterday morning. I had no reason to talk you off like that (she shrugs, her eyes fall on Morgan)

Bailey: and the beautiful princess is…

Morgan: Morgan… I'm his niece (she stretches her little hand and Bailey shakes it)

Bailey: I'm Miranda. And you're kind. Not like your uncle (Derek giggles)

Morgan: why do you laugh?

Derek: because she's funny.

Bailey: I'm not funny. I'm Bailey.

Morgan: is she your friend?

Derek: kind of.

Morgan: I like her

Bailey: thank you

Morgan: she doesn't look at you like all the others…

Derek: why? How do the others look to me?

Morgan: I don't know how to say it…

Bailey: I can try for you (Derek turns to look at her, a warning look on his face) All the others look at you like you're a candy to eat. Am I right?

Morgan: yes (she giggles)

Derek: I'm going to show you who is a candy right now! (he lowers her head and starts kissing her neck)

Morgan: let go of me! You are tickling me (Bailey laughs. The elevator joins the ground floor and Derek lets go of his niece, he sets her down and they step out of the elevator) Hi Miranda

Bailey: bye Morgan (she raises her eyes to Derek) Sheperd…

Derek: Bailey… (the elevator is going to close but Bailey stops the doors)

Bailey: Sheperd…

Derek: yes?

Bailey: thanks for the Head of General thing (Derek nods and gives her a smile). And you know… it's not that bad you resigned. It would be a pain in the ass to work under you (the doors close)

* * *

Teddy enters the elevator finding Arizona and Callie together.

Teddy: hey

Callie: Teddy (Arizona just gives her a smile)

Arizona: good day? I heard you saved a baby…

Teddy: yeah, we did it. And yeah, good day.

Arizona: it's always a good day when you save a kid

Callie: it's a good day when you save a life in general

Arizona: why in general? I mean… do you think it's not good in cardio, neuro or plastics? (Teddy and Callie look at her stunned)

Callie: I meant in general like… in general. It's good to save a life everywhere. In general.

Arizona: oh… sorry. I didn't get it. I heard that Sloan's patient went away cursing him…

Teddy: yeah… she wanted a lifting or something and Mark refused to do the surgery.

Arizona: is it for this?

Callie: yeah… why do you ask?

Arizona: nothing… It just sounded strange that Mark Sloan had refused to touch a woman for ethical reasons (Teddy and Callie look at her again, more stunned than before)

Callie: Mark is a great surgeon. He doesn't say people into Ors just for the taste to do it.

Arizona: if you say so…

Callie: are you mad or something?

Arizona: no

Callie: so why are you bitching?

Arizona: I'm not bitching

Callie: you are

Arizona: I'm…. Teddy… Am I bitching?

Teddy: a little bit.

Arizona: oh come on… I was just making conversation.

Callie: doubting our fellow attending professionalism.

Arizona: and why do you care?

Callie: because he is my fellow attending and my friend.

Arizona: ok (she looks at the elevator ceiling). To be precise he is not your fellow attending.

Callie: he is

Arizona: he's not. You are not an attending (Callie and Teddy turn once again to her. Arizona looks innocently at Callie). Technically there is dr. Branson.

Teddy: who is Dr. Branson?

Callie: an old dinosaur who does not step into this hospital from… the break-up

Teddy: I have ever met him indeed…

Arizona: still the attending though…

Callie: the chief has me do the main surgeries, the paper work. Everything (Teddy notices the furious look Callie is giving Arizona). And by the way… you're an attending just because Dr. Stark stroked dead doing his job (she storms off the elevator leaving Arizona behind. Teddy is silent, she just mutters a hi to Arizona and leaves)

* * *

Mark enters Richard's office. He knocks once on the open door.

Mark: did you page me, chief?

Richard: yes, come in (Mark gets closer the desk and sits) Do you know what is this? (he handles him a paper and Mark reeds, his eyebrows go high in surprise

Mark: a liking form?

Richard: yes

Mark: I didn't know we had one. What do you want me to do?

Richard: nothing. Just tell me why a patient of yours, Mrs. Walsh, just filled a two pages form full of complains (Mark raises his eyes)

Mark: that woman will be the death of me (he strokes his yes tiredly)

Richard: I'm going to ask you something and I'll ask you only once

Mark: shoot it

Richard: did you hit on her?

Mark: excuse me?

Richard: I'm just embarrassed to have asked you once. Don't have me repeat it please.

Mark: what are you, kidding? (Richard keeps silent) You're not?

Richard: no

Mark: that woman is 69, she could be my mom, my very old mum. My girlfriend could be her grand niece. Seriously, chief. I could be a whore some time ago. But I've never been that whore.

Richard: why does she hate you so much then?

Mark: because I released her without doing the surgery.

Richard: what kind of surgery?

Mark: a lifting to arms and lips

Richard: and why did you do that?

Mark: because she had a severe failure to her immune system. She could die because of post op and surgical complications. Why? Is she suing me?

Richard: no… I was just curious…

Mark: I'm sorry?

Richard: I was reading some random form and I picked hers up (he waves the form, a small smile curls his lips)

Mark: what? (Richard seems to fall back to reality)

Richard: what?

Mark: nothing. You looked thoughtful.

Richard: it was just… a thought

Mark: ok… can I go now?

Richard: sure (he stands up). Have you seen Derek today?

Mark: no. But I heard nurses gossip about his beautiful niece. So I assumed he came here. Did you meet him?

Richard: no. I'm going to leave him some space. And wait for the right time.

Mark: if it ever comes… Night, chief.

Richard: dr. Sloan…

* * *

Cristina and Sandra enters the restaurant.

Sandra: it looks nice.

Cristina: it is. And steak is fabulous. Excuse me? (she stops a waiter) We have a reservation.

Waiter: what name?

Cristina: Hunt (he checks on a list and gives them a smile). This way… (he leads them toward a corner of the dining room. Cristina is going to seat when she realizes the table has just two blanketed spots, she turns towards the guy but he has left. Sandra seems to get her feeling)

Sandra: Owen is going to be here soon. We'll add a plate for him (she sits and Cristina does too. She looks around the room and gives a small smile to Sandra)

* * *

_Lightening and realization._

_And then the third one._

_Understanding…_

_We face doubts and taboos._

_

* * *

_

Meredith enter Derek's trailer. He is leaning against the sink washing vegetables. He turns to the door and they share a smile

Derek: hey (he dries his hands with a towel. Meredith comes closer and kisses him)

Meredith: it's good to be here. It was a long time

Derek: too long time (he kisses her)

Meredith: naughty thoughts, dr. Sheperd? (their lips are two inches closed, Meredith notices the smirk on Derek's face)

Derek: maybe (he strokes her cheek). But you wanted to talk…

Meredith: it's not important (Derek kisses her neck)

Derek: it was… (he stops kissing her to look into her eyes)

Meredith: I'm ashamed…

Derek: why? (his expression changes into concern)

Meredith: because I missed you.

Derek: Meredith… (her name rolls out of his tongue with a sweetness that makes Meredith shivering)

Meredith: for so much time I couldn't touch you and kiss you and love you. I know I'm pathetic… (Derek kisses her)

Derek: you're not. So you're missing making love…

Meredith: a bit

Derek: on a scale from 1 to 10?

Meredith: 11

Derek: so my vegetables and romantic dinner…

Meredith: maybe can wait…

Derek: they can (Meredith pushes him on the bed and they lay side by side kissing each other). What about Mc Peanut… won't we hurt him?

Meredith: no… he'll be just fine. And he has to get used to intruders…

Derek: intruder…

Meredith: intruder… many intrusions

* * *

_And get they were taboos just in our mind._

_As what we want, is what our loved want._

_But sometimes, besides love and affection, competition can raise its ugly side._

_

* * *

_

Callie enters the apartment slamming the door behind her, she nearly bumps it on Arizona's face.

Arizona: you're acting irrationally, do you know that? (Callie hides her eyes and turns around)

Callie: irrational? Do you have an idea of what you did in there?

Arizona: it looks like I don't. Tell me.

Callie: you misspoke of a fellow surgeon. Who appears to be my best friend.

Arizona: best friend? Mark's your best friend? I thought I was.

Callie: don't change topic!

Arizona: fine. So I hurt your dear best friend Markie. Then?

Callie: then you humiliated me. You made me feel like crap! I had never felt this way before, not even when Webber told me Bronson was going to stay.

Arizona: you felt so good you changed hospital (Callie's eyes narrow in surprise)

Callie: I'm not doing this.

Arizona: what?

Callie: going on with this conversation. As I know I'd say something which I might be regret for the rest of my life. So I go to bed. Good night (she turns and goes towards the bedroom)

Arizona: and where I'm supposed to go to sleep?

Callie: there's a room for the attendings on the 3d floor. Since I'm not an attending and you are, go there (she shuts the door and Arizona breaths out sitting on the couch)

* * *

_And it's too late to repair the damage you've done_

_Realization… _(Arizona starts crying on the couch),_ acceptance…_

_We know we should deal with them._

_But deep inside, we still keep room for hope._

_That people can change._

_That there's always a reason for what happens._

_

* * *

_

Cristina and Sandra are walking down the sidewalk to the house.

Sandra: I think Owen played this joke to let me know you.

Cristina: he didn't need to do that. I mean… I'm not always that friendly person but… I'd accepted to go out with you (Sandra smiles)

Sandra: you're not rude or anything. You're just private… Like Owen. Despite me and my photos (Cristina giggles, they turn the corner and stop suddenly noticing the police cars in front of the house), What the hell… (they both hurry to the front door where an officer tries to stop them)

Officer: you can't go in, madams

Sandra: that's my house. And my son should be in there.

Officer: Owen Hunt's your son?

Sandra: he is. Why do you ask? What happened here?

Cristina: oh my God… did something happen to him? (she pushes the man aside and steps in. Her eyes wander on the room, there are objects on the floor everywhere. She then spots Owen sitting on a chair, his head in his hands). Owen… (she gets closer)

Sandra: son… (he raises his face and Cristina's eyes narrow in horror to see a deep cut on his eyebrow)

Cristina: what happened? (she kneels in front of him)

Owen: nothing, I'm good.

Cristina: I'd believe you if you hadn't hole on your face (two other officers come out from the dining room pushing a man whose hands are closed in handcuffs. Cristina looks at him and then at Owen)

Sandra: Sean…

Sean: he'll explain you everything (he goes out)

Cristina: is that your uncle?

Owen: yes

Cristina: seriously… what happened here?

Owen: we had the guy who was blackmailing him arrested (he touches his forehead and his fingertips come back dirty of blood. He raises his eyes to meet Cristina's)

Cristina: so that's what all this was about? The day off, the dinner and everything.

Sandra: Owen

Owen: I just wanted to be sure you both were out of here

Cristina: you can be sure (she stands up and goes away)

* * *

_Believing we've solved a problem can be the door to a bigger one._

_People do not change._

_Despite how much they try._

_Despite how much we want to believe it._

(Bailey is in an empty Or performing a test)

_You can focus on changing your perspectives but, finally, it's like fighting against the force of gravity._

_You want north and find south._

_Hence… realization…_

_

* * *

_

Derek is trailing hot kisses on Meredith's neck. She is wearing only her bra.

Meredith: Der….

Derek: mmm (he is trickling her earlobe)

Meredith: can you just (he bites her ear) stop doing that? (she giggles)

Derek: why?

Meredith: because you're driving me crazy. I'm here naked. On your bed. How is it that you're still fully clothed?

Derek: as you're lazy… And it's up to me to make everything (he lowers his head on her chest and Meredith closes her eyes. She suddenly rolls on her back shifting position with Derek who is now looking her from down. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her)

Meredith: I know you're for the kissing

Derek: all for kissing

Meredith: but I want you now (she pushes his hands down on the pillow and kisses his jaw)

Derek: take me for a ride, Meredith (she kisses him once again, a mischievous grin on her face)

Meredith: let's get rid of these clothes (she slides backwards teasing Derek's body. She stops when she is sitting on his lap and looks down at him. His face seems to have tensed but she bites her lower lip in an anticipating pleasure. She takes the hem of his t-shirt and raises it a bit. The smirk on her face fades immediately realizing that Derek's arousal has disappeared in seconds, he is looking at her with wide, frightened eyes. He is kicking on the bed like he wanted to scoot away from under her, his breath is labored and hollow) Derek…

Derek: get off

Meredith: what… (he hides his face in both hands and Meredith sits on the bed leaving him free. He stands up from the bed and go leaning against the wall, his face buried against it, his hands to support him. He is breathing heavily and Meredith stands up. She realizes his arms are shaking. She stretches her hand to touch his shoulder blade but Derek jumps behind to avoid her touch)

Derek: Meredith…. don't… (he gestures her to stay apart. Her heart aches to notice the pain and fear in his eyes. His chest is raising and falling quickly. Meredith sits on the bed waiting for this panic attack to pass)

* * *

_Realization hits you with the power of a train and leaves you breathless._

_And you just start wondering how your eyes could be watching without seeing…_

_

* * *

_

Owen enters Cristina's apartment. She is on the couch drinking some wine. He stops in front of her.

Cristina: are you done signing autographs?

Owen: excuse me? (she stands up and goes putting the glass in the sink, her cell is ringing but she doesn't take it) Cristina…

Cristina: how could you do that?

Owen: he asked me…

Cristina: so he gets to ask now? After everything he put you through? He gets to ask and you do?

Owen: it was the only way

Cristina: it was not. You could call police and let them do the job. Are you in some kind of permanent highness?

Owen: what…

Cristina: since you decided to stay here you've been behaving like a suicidal. First the car blown away, then this. Are you trying to hurt yourself?

Owen: I'm not. You know I'm not. Look… I get you're mad. I lied to you. But I just wanted you to be safe while I did this (Cristina crosses her arms in front of her chest). It was the only way. I know you don't get it, but it was. My uncle wanted to help us.

Cristina: please…

Owen: he wanted to help us. He came to me this morning and I couldn't turn my back to him. As if I had, I'd have damaged my mum. It was the only way to get rid of him and the trail of his problems. I'm sorry if I worried you (he gets closer, Cristina's cell keeps ringing). I love you, you know that…

Cristina: you had to tell me

Owen: would you have let me do this? Would you have been at the hospital working calmly? No… you'd have been scared. And I wanted to spare you this (her cell rings again and Cristina takes it)

Cristina: what the hell, Meredith! What… (she stops talking and starts walking through the room) What? Where are you? Wait there, I come (she closes the phone and takes her coat) It's Meredith, I need to go (she goes out and Owen follows her to Mark's)

* * *

_It breaks the cottoned silence you were living in…_

_

* * *

_

Lexie and Mark are in bed together. Lexie's head is on Mark's naked chest.

Lexie: and how was she?

Mark: who?

Lexie: the woman who were crying out against you when she left the hospital.

Mark: she was… sad

Lexie: sad?

Mark: yeah. She couldn't accept getting old, she pretended to be young and attractive.

Lexie: you call this sad?

Mark: I do. As she is probably a lonely woman who can't find any satisfaction than appearing. She has nobody to stop her when she's acting silly and that can be bad. Her body can look good outside but inside has been long abused

Lexie: I didn't know this side of you…

Mark: I thought you knew every side of me by now

Lexie: maybe (she raises on her elbows to kiss him). Maybe there is one left…

Mark: let's go find it then (he rolls on her and they start kissing. They are interrupted by someone knocking loudly to their door. Lexie stops and looks to the door. Mark keeps kissing her neck)

Mark: let it. They'll go away (he kisses her but the knocking does not stop and Lexie pushes him away) Damn it (He stands up and puts a towel around his hips, he goes towards the door while the knocking is still going on) I'm coming (he opens the door and Cristina enters without waiting and without making comments on his outfit. Owen is outside too) Please come in (he mutters in an ironic mode)

Cristina: get dressed

Mark: what? Why?

Cristina: Meredith called me. She was at the trailer with Derek and something happened. She was scared and told me he wants to go to the hospital

Mark: what?

Cristina: look, I don't know. Just get dressed. I need to take care of her and you take care of him, ok?

Mark: I come (he goes into his bedroom)

* * *

_It breaks curtains and reveals what we fear the most: truth, facts, the ghosts in our closet_

_

* * *

_

(Mark takes Derek to his car while Cristina is hugging Meredith)

* * *

_Just when you started to feel safe _

_

* * *

_

(Derek knocks to Dr. Wyatt's door, he goes in)

Dr. Wyatt: Dr. Sheperd (he closes the door and wipes some tear away. He feels Dr. Wyatt's look on him but she doesn't speak, he keeps stroking his eyes)

Derek: I'm sorry… (his voice is broken)

Dr. Wyatt: no way (she pours him a glass of water and sets it on the table near the couch. She goes back to her desk to leave him space. He lingers at the door some more time and then goes sinking onto the couch. He drinks the water and sets the glass down, he rakes a hand through his hair and breaths out loudly several times). Do you often have panic attacks like this? (Derek feels her weight on the couch too, looking down his knees he sees her sitting beside him. He shakes his head)

Derek: it's the first (he nearly chokes on the last word)

Dr. Wyatt: breathe… just breathe (she looks at him for several minutes without saying anything)

Derek: would you still be my therapist?

Dr. Wyatt: why shouldn't I?

Derek: I thought you just treated staff…

Dr. Wyatt: I do indeed.

Derek: I'm not staff anymore

Dr. Wyatt: well… I think I can do an exception for you… And if you don't come back here, I'll finally mail you my bill

Derek: I think I can live with that… (his elbow is propped on his knees and he strokes his eyes. Dr. Wyatt stands up and comes back to her desk)

Dr. Wyatt: when do you want to restart?

Derek: I'm quite free by now…

Dr. Wyatt: ok… (she looks at her planner). Let's say tomorrow at 14?

Derek: ok

* * *

_And no matter how much ghosts are scary_

_

* * *

_

(Owen and Alex are in Meredith's kitchen. Alex is eating cereals reading a magazine. Cristina comes back into the room and sits on one of the stools)

Owen: how is she?

Cristina: I don't know. She kicked me out and won't stop crying…

Alex: what happened? Sheperd couldn't get it up? (Owen sends him an incredulous look)

Owen: do you think this is about…

Alex: I don't know. I just know Mer went there for that.

Cristina: it must be something sex related anyway. She said they were kissing and sexed up and then Derek froze… and started acting like an haunted animal…

Owen: I think the best thing she can do is hear him out. He looked much worse than her in that trailer.

Alex: is he still there?

Cristina: he asked Sloan to take him to SG

Alex: wasn't he feeling good?

Cristina: I don't know (she leans her face to Owen's shoulder. He looks at her and clears his throat)

Owen: has Meredith said anything particular to you?

Cristina: what do you mean by particular?

Owen: what she did before he panicked or… anything

Cristina: no. Just muttered something about getting on top of him and trying to pull his shirt off. And It's not like I want to know any more detail. Why?

Owen: I think she… (he trails off shaking his head)

Cristina: what?

Owen: he could have had a flash back of what happened

Cristina: while having sex with Meredith? I think it's a strange association.

Owen: I think it's not strange (he stands up and goes towards the stairs. Cristina follows him)

Cristina: where are you going?

Owen: to tell her (he joins Mer's door but Cristina pulls his arm to stop him)

Cristina: what are you doing?

Owen: explaining her what happened

Cristina: I don't think it's the right move

Owen: it is. It's painful but it's right. I was there. And I get it. Derek has panicked because something Meredith did brought his brain back into that elevator. She needs to know not to do it again.

Cristina: don't you think it's not up to you to do it?

Owen: who then? I'm one of the few people who really knows what happened in there (he swallows and opens the door. In the darkness of the room he can see Meredith lying in the bed on one side. He nods to Cristina who turns on the light in the hall). Meredith?

Meredith: I'm fine. I just want to be alone.

Owen: you are not fine (he goes sitting on the bed. Her back is facing him. Cristina is on the door). You are probably wondering what happened to Derek. You're not fine.

Meredith: you are right. Because one second he was talking about our baby and flirting and be the sex god he has always been. The second after he looked like he hated me.

Owen: it's not about you.

Meredith: how do you know? You weren't there. You didn't see that look on his face…

Owen: true (he looks to Cristina and she nods) I think that, somehow, for some reason, he remembered Gary Clark (Meredith turns to look at him)

Meredith: excuse me?

Owen: it takes nothing Meredith. A smell, a movement, a noise. And his brain went there (Meredith keeps silent. Owen breaths out and rolls her on her back. Before she can say anything he kneels astride her)

Meredith: Seriously? In front of her? I don't like threesome. Even if Derek didn't finish me off I'm not going to screw you in our bed! Get the hell off!

Cristina: Owen… what are you doing?

Owen: I'm trying to find the best way to show her she did something he did.

Meredith: "I did something he did". What is this, a tongue - twister?

Owen: no. Were you like this?

Meredith: what…

Cristina: Mer (she gets closer the bed). Tell him… trust me (Meredith searches Cristina's eyes and then looks at Owen)

Meredith: yes.

Owen: and then?

Meredith: I pulled his shirt on (Owen takes the hem of her shirt and discovers her navel)

Owen: like this? (Meredith nods and Owen breaths out). You did what he did.

Meredith: Derek told you? (Owen goes off the bed and starts walking to the door)

Owen: no. I saw it (he closes the door behind him)

* * *

_When facts jump out of your closet…_

_When realization finds its way out of the ground_

_It is much more scary._


	26. HOME

Hi guys, I'm back.

Sorry it took so long but work, the kids and everything...

I hope you're still with me.

R & R !

* * *

_Home sweet home_

_As doctors we really learn to know the meaning of this word: home._

_Strange things happen at home…_

_We sense it, we feel it even if we are dying, even if we are blind._

_Home is a sixth sense, it's an addiction._

* * *

Richard enters his office, he closes the door behind his back and sets his hat on the hanger. He stops suddenly realizing someone was asleep on his couch and is now waking up. A frown appears on his face.

Richard: Derek? (Derek sits on the couch rubbing his eyes)

Derek: sorry… I fell asleep here

Richard: were you waiting for me? (he sits on the chair in front of the couch)

Derek: no.. I just… (he gives Richard a quick look and then turns his eyes away)

Richard: are you ok? (Derek simply breaths out without breaking the silence, Richard goes to his desk and picks up the phone). Patricia… could you bring me two black coffees and a danish? Thank you (he puts the receiver down and comes back sitting on the chair)

Derek: you're very nice, chief. But it's not necessary (he stands up but Richard pushes him back on the couch)

Richard: just stay here, ok? You don't need to talk if you don't want (there's a knock to the door and Richard opens it, he takes the trailer and sets it on the table in front of Derek. He pours him a cup of coffee. Sheperd takes it, Richard can't help but noticing his shaking hand and the uncertain way he brings the cup to his lips)

Derek: I couldn't go home

Richard: you slept here all night? (Derek just nods and Richard sinks in his chair). You look scared…

Derek: I panicked. Something… (he rakes a hand through his hair)

Richard: do you want me to call Meredith? (Derek's eyes cast down and he shakes his head) What happened? (Derek sets the cup on the table and stands up, he goes towards the window rubbing his eyes)

Derek: I don't know. I had a flash back and…. (he shakes his head and looks down. Richard swallows and stands up)

Richard: Derek… I respect you and I talk to you like I'd talk to my son if I had one

Derek: but?

Richard: I feel like you're running. You've been facing all this running. Why don't you just take some time?

Derek: what do you mean?

Richard: your world stopped that day. Your certainties blew up. You were hurt, you felt betrayed. You close the universe out. You left this place. Are you sure this is good for you? (Derek raises his look to Richard)

Derek: is this about work?

Richard: it's about you. You belong to hospitals, to your patient, to your OR. And I don't think that moping in your trailer can help you go through this (Derek takes another quick glance at the room and then goes away)

* * *

Mark is at the nurses station drinking a coffee. Bailey is there too. Owen walks in front of them, a dark bruise on his forehead. A frown paints on Miranda's face, she follows his steps setting her pen in the pocket of her labcoat.

Bailey: what the hell is wrong with all the male doctors of this hospital?

Mark: nothing is wrong. Just Yang. I knew she was a kick ass type. Poor Hunt…

Bailey: so you draw sex profiles of your co workers?

Mark: don't need that (he picks up his chart and looks down at her). Everyone has sexual DNA written on the face.

Bailey: so? (a wondering frown appears on her face)

Mark: what?

Bailey: what is mine?

Mark: you don't have sexual DNA.

Bailey: what?

Mark: you're Bailey. You are over rules, over my thinking. You're the Nazi. Can't think of your attitudes (his pager beeps). I gotta go (he makes a step to go away when Meredith appears behind his back)

Meredith: doctor Sloan… (he turns around)

Mark: doctor Grey… What can I do for you?

Meredith: have you seen Derek? I've been calling him since yesterday night but he didn't pick up the phone. I'm worried (he breaths out and takes her to a waiting area)

Mark: I brought him here last night. He wanted to do something but… (he shrugs)

Meredith: was he fine?

Mark: physically, he was. But he looked upset.

Meredith: and where is he now?

Mark: I don't know. I tried to convince him to go to my place but he didn't hear reasons. He stayed here in some OC room. I haven't seen him around this morning.

Meredith: so… I have to worry

Bailey: maybe not (Meredith looks up to her, she follows her eyes and notices Derek entering a toilet, Richard behind him)

* * *

Teddy enters the attending lounge and notices Arizona making stretching.

Teddy: hey (she pours herself a cup of coffee and sits on the couch)

Arizona: hey (she makes a grimace)

Teddy: does your back hurts?

Arizona: yes, it's killing me

Teddy: don't say anything. I was told getting older surgery would become tiring. I'd never imagined like that. I started attending a health club two months ago (Arizona sinks on the sofa).

Arizona: it's not surgery. It was sleeping on this damned couch (Teddy turns to look at her)

Teddy: where you on call?

Arizona: no. Callie kicked me out last night.

Teddy: was it because the fight you had while living?

Arizona: yes (she is rubbing her temple and Teddy looks at her)

Teddy: I don't want to worsen your mood but… you called for it

Arizona: excuse me?

Teddy: you got it. You were wretched. And mean.

Arizona: anything else?

Teddy: you tell me… (Arizona stands up)

Arizona: I think it's the baby's thing. We keep talking about it and I'm not happy of what we've decided. She isn't either. And we just pretend everything is fine.

Teddy: why?

Arizona: as we're afraid to tell what we think.

Teddy: hiding is never the best way to solve matters.

Mark: what matter? (the two women look up to see Mark and Callie entering the room. Callie is taking some coffee and is giving her back to Arizona)

Callie: hi Teddy (she leaves ignoring Arizona. Mark looks at the two of them. Arizona shakes her head and leaves)

Mark: what's going on?

Teddy: lover's quarrel. I'd stay out if I were you.

Mark: I never interfere in other's love life

Teddy: If you say so… (she stands up and leaves too)

* * *

Alex, Cristina, Avery and Reed leave the locker room and walk to the nurses station. Alex looks at Cristina who hasn't said a word yet.

Alex: are you ok?

Cristina: why do you care?

Alex: as we're kind of friends?

Cristina: we're not friends. We work together and you live with my best friend.

Alex: who happens to be my friend too

Cristina: so… as you think Meredith's your friend and Meredith and I are friends, the two of us are friends too?

Alex: yes… despite the explanation was a little bit too difficult to listen to…

Avery: it was not difficult. Transitive property (both Cristina and Alex look at him stunned)

Cristina: I've never heard about it…

Avery: it's math.

Cristina: no matter I didn't hear about it then. I've never lost my time with that crap.

Avery: crap? How can you be a doctor if you can't make counts of how many meds give to a patient?

Cristina: there's pocket calculator for that

Avery: do you always go around with it (Cristina stops and takes something from her pocket. She shows it to Avery smiling)?

Cristina: of course

Avery: what if you forget it?

Cristina: impossible

Avery: what if you lose it?

Cristina: I check my pockets every Sunday after the laundry.

Reed: do you make laundry by yourself?

Cristina: I haven't time for that crap.

Avery: so how do you spend your time home?

Cristina: studying. Reading. When Owen doesn't want to watch stupid films on tv (they are close to the nurses station and Reed notices Hunt arriving with a wide band aid on his forehead)

Reed: did he want to see one yesterday?

Cristina: no, thanks God no…

Reed: as he looks like you threw the commander on his face (Cristina looks up and stops just in time not to collide with Bailey who was writing charts. Miranda looks at her)

Bailey: what the hell, Yang. Do I have to set a stop sign ten steps far from me?

Cristina: excuse me, sir.

Bailey: have you already received the chief's memo? (all the guys nod) Ok… so you know what to do (they are starting to walk away). Oh… for the record… there is a new neurosurgeon from today.

Cristina: what?

Bailey: does the Chief need your permission to hire someone?

Cristina: no but…

Bailey: shut up then. Till Sheperd doesn't clear his mind, Doctor Brad will work here. Be nice if you meet him (the residents walk away, Owen makes two steps towards Cristina)

Owen: Cristina… (she turns around)

Cristina: yes Doctor Hunt? (he is surprised to hear her calling him that way, Bailey eyes them too, her brows arching in surprise)

Owen: doctor Hunt?

Cristina: that's your name. What can I do for you?

Owen: I hope you could help me fixing this… (he touches his head)

Cristina: I'm sorry, but I have an appointment scheduled with Dr. Altman in five minutes. See you later (she turns on her heels and goes away. Owen is still looking at her back when he hears Bailey laughing. He looks at her, a frown on his face)

Owen: what?

Bailey: I'm really sorry to say this, but Sloan is right.

Owen: about what?

Bailey: about who wears trousers in your relationship. And leads the game. And kicks asses (Owen looks at her, amused and surprised at the same time)

Owen: it was not Cristina who did this

Bailey: sure… (she is still smirking)

Owen: I surprised a thief at my mum's yesterday evening and all I got was a chair broken on my head (Bailey turns to look at him bewildered)

Bailey: did you imagine this to cover your dirty games?

Owen: I don't imagine anything. Sloan wasn't right this time (he massages his head grimacing)

Bailey: did you have a check up?

Owen: no. I spent all night with the cops and then fighting with her.

Bailey: why?

Owen: the story is a little bit more complicated than that.

Bailey: I thought it was. Lover's quarrels are always more complicated.

Owen: there is no quarrel here (Bailey is about to answer when she notices Callie walking fast down the corridor with Arizona following her. Torres is right in front of her)

Bailey: good morning (she walks away without saying anything)

Arizona: Callie (she is in front of Bailey too)

Bailey: Robbins (she doesn't answer either). You see?

Owen: what's going on?

Bailey: you can't manage your private life. That's what's going on…

Owen: I can manage… (he stops seeing Miranda is looking straight at him, her arms crossed)

Bailey: you can't. That's it (Owen shakes his head) Now do you want me to stitch you up or not?

Owen: would you?

Bailey: not that you have a queue of people who wants to do it (she walks past him and meets Meredith immediately) Grey…

Meredith: doctor Bailey…

Bailey: have you talked to Derek?

Meredith: not yet. Could I talk… (she stops seeing Derek right behind Bailey. Miranda looks at Meredith surprised and then turns around to find Sheperd)

Derek: hey

Meredith: hey (Derek breaths out)

Derek: doctor Bailey, could I talk to Meredith for some minute, please?

Bailey: sure (Derek touches Owen's shoulder and enters a conference room followed by Meredith. The two doctors see him closing the door behind him and approaching his wife. He strokes her cheek and hugs her tightly. Owen coughs catching Bailey's attention and they leave. Derek is still hugging Meredith)

Derek: I'm sorry

Meredith: shhhh. Just hold me, ok? (he kisses her on the chick and they rock each other). I was so worried for you.

Derek: I'm sorry. I just… (Meredith feels him swallowing and breaks the hug to look at him)

Meredith: did you remember something? (Derek looks away). It was something I did, wasn't it? (he sits on a chair raking a hand through his hair). Talk to me, please. I can't help you if you don't.

Derek: I just can't now (Meredith breaths out). Meredith (he stands up and takes her hands), I love you. I trust you. But I'm not ready. I thought I was over this thing. I thought I forgot but my brain hasn't. I need to breathe and to be sure you and the baby are safe.

Meredith: we are safe. Why shouldn't we be?

Derek: I could have hurt you yesterday.

Meredith: no

Derek: I could have hurt you. There was a moment you weren't you anymore. I saw someone different and you can't imagine what went through my mind last night. I remembered Owen chocking Cristina and I couldn't breathe. I can't control myself anymore.

Meredith: you can

Derek: I'm dangerous

Meredith: you are not (she closes the space between them and takes his face between her hands). Look at me (Derek is looking outside the room). Look at me now (her voice is commanding and Derek turns to look at her). You won't hurt me. You will never do something who can harm me or our baby. I know that. I'd put my life in your hands even now. I need you. And you need me. I'm not walking away as you had a flash back or something. I'm right here and I'm not bailing.

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: I love you. I love you. And all I can think about is that I miss you. Every day more. I want my husband. I want my husband. Will you do something for me? (Derek nods and breaths out) I get if you aren't ready to talk to me. But Doctor Wyatt…

Derek: I'm seeing her today. That's where I went yesterday.

Meredith: that's good. Everything is going to be fine (she strokes his face). I promise… (Derek gives her a smile)

Derek: I love optimist and happy you.

Meredith: I love me too. And I have to be positive if I don't want to have a dark and twisty baby.

Derek: you're extraordinary, you know that? (Meredith looks thoughtful)

Meredith: I kind of do know (they burst out laughing and Derek kisses her on the lips) Dr. Sheperd…

Derek: you know you're the only one working and breaking rules right now? I'm a visitor… I can kiss wherever I want and whoever I want (Meredith gives him a pet on the arm)

Meredith: whoever? (he shrugs her face with a thumb)

Derek: there's just a girl I want to kiss (he kisses her and then talks to her ear) and make love to (her pager beeps)

Meredith: I wait for you at home, ok?

Derek: ok (she gives him a smile and leaves. Derek sits on a chair)

* * *

Arizona follows Callie in a supply closet. Torres notices her with the corner of her eye.

Callie: I didn't know attending picked stuff up on themselves (Arizona breaths out)

Arizona: Calliope

Callie: don't Calliope me! You just do it when you want to move me. Or seduce me. And I'm too mad for that now.

Arizona: I know I was mean

Callie: you were more than mean. You hurt me.

Arizona: I know

Callie: you hurt my ego

Arizona: I know

Callie: and everyone knows surgeons have over sized egos

Arizona: I know too

Callie: stop humoring me! You won't get into my pants!

Arizona: I don't want to get into your pants. Well… not now by the way. I'm just trying to apologize, ok? I know I was awful yesterday. I was humoral and bitchy and I said things I don't think.

Callie: you do think Mark is a moron.

Arizona: I did. Not anymore. I'm just jealous, ok?

Callie: jealous? (she bursts out laughing) Of Mark?

Arizona: yes

Callie: my sex life with Mark is over. From a lot of time.

Arizona: it's not what I'm jealous about.

Callie: no? What then?

Arizona: you talk with him. You say whatever you think and feel. You don't do the same with me.

Callie: I'm not a liar

Arizona: that's not what I meant (she gets closer and touches her heart). Why don't you let me see what's here? (Callie looks thoughtful and keeps silent)

Callie: as I'm scared

Arizona: of me?

Callie: that you'll walk away. That what I want is not what you want. I love you. And I can't live without you.

Arizona: I love you too. And I'll stay, I promise. We'll work things out together. Always.

Callie: ok

Arizona: ok (they gets closer and kiss)

* * *

Cristina, Alex, Avery and Reed are behind a desk, each one filling patients' charts. They hear a loud laugh and look up to see the new doctor talking with a nurse.

Alex: is that the neuro guy?

Cristina: who else? There must be an exam during their class to become like that

Reed: like what?

Cristina: flirty, chatty. "Look at me baby and I'll rock you" type (Avery laughs)

Alex: he reminds a lot Sheperd.

Reed: not so hot by the way (Cristina turns to look at her and Reeds blushes). I mean… he is not so attractive and… if you like the type, you know

Cristina: I know… (she leans into her chair and crosses her arms behind her head). To tell the truth I don't know (she points to the new doctor). How can you feel interested in someone who clearly can love just himself?

Avery: you don't know that!

Cristina: I know

Avery: have you ever talked to him?

Cristina: I don't need. He's from New York too. It's engineering. It's DNA

Alex: shhhhhh (Cristina looks up and sees doctor Brad coming closer, she takes her pen and resumes writing)

Brad: good morning doctors (the residents look up and smile). I'm Greg Brad, new neurosurgeon. I wasn't introduced officially and wanted to say hi even if I know you're not my guys (Reed and Avery stand up).

Avery: doctor Avery. Nice to meet you.

Reed: and I'm doctor Reed, trauma resident.

Brad: good. And you must be the famous dr. Yang… (Alex laughs silently and Cristina looks up stunned)

Cristina: famous?

Brad: yeah… my source of information are nurses. They talked to me a lot about you and your friends (he eyes quickly Alex and then checks his clock). I have to go now. Meeting my resident and coworkers. Have a nice day (he leaves and the guys follow him with the eyes)

Cristina: I told you he was an ass

Alex: just because nurses gave him a full detail of your life you don't need to be so rude.

Cristina: I'm not. But I don't like him.

Reed: he's nice.

Cristina: he's a jackass.

Avery: maybe it's just his demeanor. Let's wait to see what Meredith says (Cristina is looking at Dr. Brad at the bottom of the corridor. She sees him sending a cloudy look to someone, a smirk on his face. Some second later Meredith appears out of the corner)

Cristina: or what he says about her

* * *

Owen is sitting on a stretcher and Bailey is preparing the necessary to stitch his forehead.

Bailey: so you are one of those men…

Owen: those?

Bailey: who just can't stay out of trouble

Owen: I didn't plan to have troubles

Bailey: you say so… (she turns on her stool and gets closer). Ok… (she takes a needle but Owe stops her lifting a hand). What?

Owen: I don't need that (Bailey looks at the needle and at his cut)

Bailey: why not?

Owen: I can do without.

Bailey: are you trying to impress me so that I can sing your praise to Yang?

Owen: I don't need to impress you or my wife, ok? She just had a very tiring day. First this (he touches his face) then Meredith… We didn't fight (Bailey puts the needle away and starts working on him)

Bailey: ok. So… how is it?

Owen: what?

Bailey: working with your wife (Owen chuckles)

Owen: it's like riding a rollercoaster every day. We are supposed to know our problems better but… it's a mess.

Bailey: one of the main reason my marriage failed is that I couldn't get my husband to understand my priorities, my schedules and the hospital's dynamics.

Owen: sometimes Cristina doesn't get that either. We are both surgeons but… it looks like another job sometimes.

Bailey: she is still riding the wave, isn't she?

Owen: yes. She is competitive, enthusiastic. The only place she sees herself is in an OR.

Bailey: and you'd like other things

Owen: maybe not now but… soon. I'd like to build a family. I hoped Meredith's pregnancy could open her up, let her see something else but, at the moment, no sign.

Bailey: it takes time. Some woman never gets to feel a motherhood instinct. But, for what it counts, she really loves you.

Owen: I know

Bailey: I'm done here (she turns with her stool). I give you this suggestion dr. Hunt. Do never take love for granted. Do never think love can be enough forever. It takes something else to make a marriage last forever.

Owen: I know

Bailey: hiding things, even for the best intention, is not a good way to begin (she stands up and walks away)

* * *

Dr. Wyatt is sitting at her desk, she hears knocking to her door and looks up in time to see Derek entering her office.

Wyatt: good morning

Derek: good morning (he goes sitting on the couch, his stare on her)

Wyatt: so… are you ready?

Derek: I hope so.

Wyatt: ok (she stands up and goes sitting in front of Derek). What do you expect from these sections?

Derek: to get better.

Wyatt: that's it? (Derek swallows and looks at her without talking). Don't you want to forget, to forgive… anything like this?

Derek: I'm afraid that, no matter how much I'd like to forget, some part of me will never do it.

Wyatt: mmm… What happened?

Derek: excuse me?

Wyatt: what happened to you? You were so sure and ready to say you were over this. And now you knock to my door and say you'll never be. I suspect something happened (Derek is doing everything but looking at her). Usually, from my experience, it's a flashback who sends good intentions and certainties to hell (Derek looks up). Here we are… did you hurt yourself?

Derek: no

Wyatt: did you hurt Meredith?

Derek: no

Wyatt: but you are scared you could next time.

Derek: kind of…

Wyatt: will you do a favor to me? Better… I'm not asking here. I expect you won't talk about Meredith during these sessions. You're here for you. Not for her, for the hospital, for the hundreds people who love you and wait for you to come back. You're my patient and I want to fix you. If I fix you, I'll make all the others happy. If you're not happy, anyone will never be. So let's focus on you. Can you do that?

Derek: I guess I have no choice left.

Wyatt: you got it. Fill this form (she pushes a sheet and a pen on the table in front of him and goes back sitting to her desk)

* * *

Meredith arrives in front of a conference room and takes a look through the blinds. She recognizes the doctor she had tutored during his visit to SGH. She knocks and is invited to go in. Doctor Brad smiles brightly at her.

Greg: good morning Doctor Grey. Come in, please (she closes the door behind her and approaches the desk without sitting). Sit down, I won't bite you, I promise (he flashes her a smile and she sits). So… I guess you are surprised I decided to stay here.

Meredith: I just didn't think you were looking for a new experience. I thought you were just visiting out of professional curiosity.

Greg: maybe at the beginning. Then I got to know there was a spot left and the chance to become the new chief of neurosurgery so… I decided to give it a chance (Meredith's face has tensed and she looks embarrassed). What, don't you like me? (Meredith blushes)

Meredith: no… I… it's not that I don't like you but…

Greg: yeah, I know. You all like Doctor Sheperd and look forward to see him back. I'll try to make my best not to make you regret him (he opens a chart). So… you are my resident. I have great plans for you.

Meredith: have you?

Greg: yes. I want great for me. And I usually drag my coworkers with me. Do you feel up to follow me into the stars?

Meredith: I am but… as maybe Doctor Webber told you, I'm going to take a maternity leave soon. Maybe you don't want to work with someone who is going to be absent in a few weeks (a frown appears on Greg's face)

Greg: are you planning a child, during your residency?

Meredith: I am not planning it. I'm already pregnant (Greg gives her a quick and appreciative look. Meredith is embarrassed to have him searching her). I am slim and you don't notice but… I'm almost four months along.

Greg: oh… (he looks at her for another moment and he starts writing on his chart again). What a shame…

Meredith: what?

Greg: nothing. I feel like I already know you, doctor Grey. A lot of people talked to me about you here. You are… how can I say it… quite a celebrity down here. But you'll get to know me and you'll like me. I always say what I think. You'll find it disturbing sometimes… but I'll improve your skills.

Meredith: that's what residency is supposed to do (her pager beeps and she stands up). Thank you doctor Brad. I'll look for you when I'm done with my post op.

Greg: I can't look forward (she goes away and the doctor hesitates looking at her ass)

* * *

Mark sees Callie on the catwalk and joins her.

Mark: hey, want to be mummy (she gives him a smile). Peace in heaven?

Callie: yeah, kind of. We talked…

Mark: not that much I heard (he gets close her ear). Nurses are talking about a hot meeting in a supply closet.

Callie: it was not hot. We are two respectable people. Not women who screw around in everybody's watch.

Mark: you liked it, once.

Callie: I even liked men, once.

Mark: so? Did you find a better agreement?

Callie: I think we did. Arizona wants to fix an appointment with the social services to know about adoption. And I'll fix an appointment to know about artificial insemination.

Mark: do you think to call Addie?

Callie: no, for the moment. Seattle has a great clinic. I'll go to take a look.

Mark: call me if you change idea about me as a donor.

Callie: I won't.

Mark: why? Do you spit in the plate you ate so much in?

Callie: no. But I don't want my child to be a sex addict. And since when do you want so strongly to become a father? Little Sloan wasn't enough for you?

Mark: I'm sorry she left (he looks down and Callie's smile fades away)

Callie: I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to say.

Mark: don't worry. I miss it. The chaos, the wiping… Even the baby…

Callie: you'll have one, someday. You and Lexie will make wonderful children.

Mark: I know. Meredith and Derek's kid will be a frog in compare. But I need to wait.

Callie: Mark Sloan… Are you high or something?

Mark: maybe I am (he takes an apple from his pocket and goes away giving her a mischievous look)

* * *

Dr. Wyatt is looking at the papers Derek has filled with his answers. She takes off her glasses and looks straight at him. He is fidgeting with his clock and looks nervous.

Wyatt: how many years have passed since you became a surgeon?

Derek: well… 15 years or so from medical school on. Why do you ask?

Wyatt: I'm just curious. And do you still love your job?

Derek: yes, sometimes it's not like you imagined it to be. But I love it.

Wyatt: what is different?

Derek: I'm sorry?

Wyatt: you said it's not always like you thought it to be. What is different?

Derek: you feel like you own the truth when you finish medical school. You think you can save anyone. But reality is different. So damned different. And you never get used to it.

Wyatt: you know dr. Webber for a lot of time, don't you?

Derek: yeah, he was my mentor in New York. He taught everything I know about treating patients and respect and addiction to work.

Wyatt: and …

Derek: nothing…

Wyatt: the two of you seem to like each other.

Derek: we do. It has not always been simple. But we do. I do, at least.

Wyatt: don't you think the same from him?

Derek: I know he respects me a lot. Even after what happened… he still does.

Wyatt: why should he respect you less after Gary Clark almost killed you?

Derek: I meant… I didn't mean that. I meant after I took his job.

Wyatt: oh… and is he happy now that he got his job back?

Derek: I don't know. It's not that I'm living the hospital so much right now. People love him. His life is here. I guess he appreciates to be back on the throne.

Wyatt: but his heir is missing at the moment. Do you think he is more happy or more concerned about this? (Derek breaths out and looks at her suspicious). What?

Derek: nothing. I was just thinking why everyone is so worried about me not working by now.

Wyatt: you tell me…

Derek: I… (he stands up and starts walking into the office raking a hand through his hair)

Wyatt: you? (Derek breaths out). Come on, just say it (Derek looks at her)

Derek: I miss here. I miss the hospital, I miss working. I miss patients. But I can't go back.

Wyatt: why not?

Derek: I resigned.

Wyatt: and Richard won't hire you back?

Derek: I'm not asking

Wyatt: why?

Derek: as I'm not ready

Wyatt: for what?

Derek: to everything. To cut into people, to stay among people.

Wyatt: are you admitting you're quite messed up? (Derek stops in the mid of the room and looks at her)

Derek: we all know I am

Wyatt: less than you think (she stands up and approaches him). You are not so messed up not to know you are. And that's a great start (Derek giggles). You just have to take the plunge and start swimming again.

Derek: what if I can't?

Wyatt: what if you keep saying yourself you can't and you can already? (Derek sits on the couch)

* * *

Hunt arrives at the attending lounge and meets Teddy in there. She is sitting drinking a coffee.

Hunt: morning.

Teddy: hey (she looks up and sees his face). How are you doing?

Hunt: fine

Teddy: despite the fact your uncle nearly got you killed this time (he sits near her)

Hunt: you know

Teddy: yes. Cristina told me. And your mother called me four times to know you were fine. I had to swear not to make her run here to her baby (she smiles).

Hunt: I'm fine. As long as Cristina doesn't kick my ass.

Teddy: I saw her really mad indeed. She is venting her rage on interns by now.

Hunt: did you let her?

Teddy: yes. They are morons. We won't miss any of them. You own me (her cell beeps and she takes it. A grin curls her lips reading the message and Owen looks at her puzzled)

Hunt: someone I know? (Teddy looks at him innocently)

Teddy: I'm sorry?

Hunt: your supporter. Is he someone I know?

Teddy: who says I'm seeing someone?

Hunt: your face does. You look like a child in a candy store. So… do I have to make a speech to the guy?

Teddy: no, thanks. I can take care of myself. And I don't want him to run into the woods as you scared him.

Hunt: so you really like him.

Teddy: what are you, jealous?

Hunt: now, just protective. You can't stay out of troubles.

Teddy: ha ha. Really nice. You don't need to worry by the way. He is a lawyer. Very nice guy.

Hunt: are you seeing him from long?

Teddy: two months.

Hunt: it's one of your longest relationships.

Teddy: I'm improving (his pager beeps and he stands up)

Hunt: let me know if you need that speech.

Teddy: let me know if you need more stitches (Hunt waves his hand hi going out)

* * *

Meredith joins the other residents at lunch. They are already eating when she lets herself fall on a chair near Cristina.

Meredith: how long will it take till we won't have to deal with post op asses?

Alex: three or four years more or less. Embrace it.

Cristina: why embracing? We can prescribe them some diuretics and have them pee all day.

Meredith: so that they could complain even more? No thanks (she takes a bite of her sandwich). I don't think I could take that.

Cristina: you are a pain in the ass. Are your hormones really so messed up by pregnancy? Meredith is about to speak but Alex does first)

Alex: they clearly are. She's eating tuna and cheese together (the guys look at her sandwich disgusted)

Meredith: what is wrong with tuna and cheese?

Avery: it's like pasta and sugar or milk with salt.

Meredith: it's an Italian cuisine, you idiots!

Cristina: whatever… how did it go with McSneaky?

Reed: Mc who?

Cristina: McSneaky. Doctor Brad, the one who walks down the corridors with an enormous sign stating: I'm the best and I'll take the chief of neuro. Follow me, baby.

Meredith: did you get that impression too?

Cristina: of course I did. Only Avery was charmed by his pretty face. All the time he wasn't looking at your boobs he was praising himself and his skills (Meredith looks down at her breast while the others laugh)

Alex: he wouldn't be so stupid to chase on a married woman. Sheperd's wife above all.

Cristina: why not? It's not he's peeing on Derek's feet by now. And the position is vacant.

Meredith: the position is not vacant and he knows I'm married and pregnant. And as regards my boobs, he is not the only one staring at them (she looks meaningfully at Alex)

Alex: you can't blame me. When I look at you, they're the first thing I see. Then all the rest (the others laugh)

Meredith: try to look up to my face first (she takes another bite)

Alex: where's Derek by the way?

Meredith: he… (she looks up and stops realizing Avery and Reed are still there) had stuff to do.

Cristina: rumors say Webber offered him his job back this morning

Meredith: it's too early. Unless…

Alex: what?

Meredith: nothing (she drinks some water. Doctor Brad enters the cafeteria and sends them a smile. He approaches their table with his tray)

Cristina: Romeo is here and coming to you (Meredith turns around smiling thinking to find Derek in front of her. She instead sees dr. Brad grinning at her. Her smiles fades)

Brad: good morning everybody. Can I steal my resident for lunch, please? (Meredith blushes and starts rambling)

Meredith: I'm… I can't… I'm done, actually. I was going back to my charts (she stands up but Greg doesn't give her room)

Brad: they can wait. I wanted to discuss our next case together (he points to his table and Meredith doubtfully follows his instruction. Greg follows her. He lightly leans his hand at the small of her back)

Avery: he is bold

Cristina: he's a vulture. She's better keeping her eyes the wide open.

Alex: Sheperd too

Derek: Sheperd what? (Alex turns around to see Derek standing in front of them)

* * *

Bailey comes out from an OC room adjusting her coat. She turns around to close the door and, turning around again, she bumps into Mark.

Bailey: what the hell, Sloan? Am I invisible today? (Mark can't hide a grin)

Mark: you'd like so much to be… (he sends a knowing look to the OC, Bailey shakes her head and seems embarrassed)

Bailey: what?

Mark: you don't have to hide, Bailey. It's great you're back in the dogfight.

Bailey: I'm not hiding and I'm nowhere in the dogfight. I was just taking a nap before my surgery.

Mark: if you say so.

Bailey: I do say so.

Mark: good, as I was looking for an OC to take a nap myself. If this is free (he makes a step to the door and stretches his hand to take the knob. Miranda hits his hand). Hey!

Bailey: don't touch that!

Mark: why not?

Bailey: as it's a female OC. You can't go in there.

Mark: female OC? We don't have separated OCs in here

Bailey: we should have. And we have them since today. Had we established this before, Meredith wouldn't be pregnant by now. And you wouldn't have screwed all the nurses of the department. So I say this is a female OC and you have to sleep your ass elsewhere.

Mark: ok, I go (he makes some step backwards). Say hi to Ben, by the way (he goes away and the door opens to reveal Ben)

Ben: hi Dr. Sloan (Mark says hi not turning around. Bailey sends a deathly glare to Ben)

Mark: I'll draw you DNA for tomorrow morning, Bailey

* * *

Derek is coming back to dr. Wyatt's office. He turns the last corner and sees a man in front of the door, sitting on a bench. He gives him a quick look and knocks to the door. He gets no answer. Looking down at his watch, he realizes he's early. He breaths out. He had planned to have lunch with Meredith but dr. Brad had ruined his plans. He sits on the bench too. The man sitting looks at him and then at the sign out of Dr. Wyatt's door. He breaths out.

Man: this place really drives us all crazy…. (Derek looks at him and then diverts his eyes, he looks at the ceiling)

Derek: sometimes it does.

Man: my wife is in surgery. I can't find a place where to stay. The church… I feel hypocrite. I haven't been attending churches since she got sick. The waiting area… too many people crying. And I have to believe in the illusion that she'll survive.

Derek: what's her prognosis?

Man: lung cancer.

Derek: I'm sorry.

Man: that's what everybody says. I have to stay here, waiting, while a doctor has her full arms in her chest.

Derek: they're doing all they can.

Man: I know. What if is not enough? (Derek swallows and looks up). I'd like to know what a surgeon thinks while operating. Is that just flesh? Or does it mean something? That's my Amy. She shouldn't be alone in there.

Derek: she is not. You're with her (the man laughs).

Man: I've been acting like a fool lately. Always complaining about everything. I haven't been a good husband. And she needed that so much.

Derek: it's not easy to help the person you love when she's sick. You start to wonder: why her? And you'll get no answer. And gets madder.

Man: yes… (he looks at his watch). Jesus, it's been three hours.

Derek: it's a long procedure. It will take three other more at least.

Man: are you a doctor?

Derek: I… yes, I am (silence falls between them). Patients are never flesh. You try to do your best. You try to stay detached as being involved can lessen your judgment and you need it perfectly clear. You do whatever you want. You face complications and problems. You survives crises. And when unfortunately the signals beep and you know you are really in trouble, the thought knocks.

Man: which thought?

Derek: what would I do if this was my wife or mother or sister or daughter? What if this was my friend? I'd fight like a dog. I'd try everything. But finally… sometimes we have to let them go. And deliver the news.

Man: do you learn that at school?

Derek: there's no school that can teach you to say to someone his loved one is dead. They try… they give you forms and sentences but… there's no way you can deliver that message properly.

Man: why do you do this job then?

Derek: someone has

Man: but… why do you choose it? How can you choose to say every day to people their family is dead?

Derek: as there's nothing like saying to someone that his family is alive and will survive. Nothing gives you more happiness than life, than saving. It's like be born again.

Wyatt: Derek… (Derek looks up to see doctor Wyatt leaning at the doorframe, her arms crossed in front of her chest)

Derek: I'm sorry… I hadn't heard you. I didn't think you were here…

Wyatt: I were. Engaged in a phone call. I opened as soon as I hang off but you were busy talking (she gives a smile to the man sitting near Derek). I'm ready if you are (Derek nods and stands up. Before entering dr. Wyatt's office he turns around)

Derek: good luck

Man: thank you. I hope dr. Bailey will rise again tonight

* * *

In the OR Bailey, the Chief, Avery, Teddy and Cristina are operating on their patient.

Bailey: more suction Avery, please. I can't see anything.

Richard: you can't see anything as there's blood in the lung.

Bailey: damn it. The capillaries are broken (she breaths out and looks up)

Cristina: can you repair that?

Bailey: I'm trying… Avery, what do I do?

Avery: mmm…. Clamp?

Bailey: that's clear I'm going to clamp. After I meant… (Avery and Cristina shares a quick look)

Avery: dissect the lung?

Bailey: chief?

Richard: It's the only shot we have. Come here, Avery (Cristina looks at him stunned while Bailey handles the instruments to Jackson)

Cristina: will you let him dissect a lung?

Teddy: doctor Yang! (Cristina looks at her). That's none of your business. Focus on her heart.

Cristina: but…

Bailey: have you something in contrary, Yang?

Cristina: he has never done that

Richard: and he'll never do it as long as we don't let him. There's always a first time. You should know better. Come on, Avery (Avery takes the instruments and starts working). Take your time… (he goes on operating). You see, dr. Yang. General has its perks too.

Cristina: yes, sir.

Bailey: having two tutors for example

Avery: I'm privileged.

Richard: or screwed (Avery looks at him). It depends on points of view.

Avery: my grand father was very happy to know you're going to be my tutor, sir.

Richard: that's not sure.

Bailey: you can say it loud. Now we just have one resident in general, I'm not going to let him go like that (Avery looks at her). Don't look at me, look at the patient. Do you want to tell her husband we removed the contaminated tissue and then killed her piercing her heart by accident?

Avery: no sir

Bailey: then look down

Avery: excuse me, doctor Bailey. I think I'm done here (he looks up and Richard nods, Jackson can say he is smiling under his mask). My God… I did it.

Richard: you did

Bailey: but if you want to become a surgeon, you shouldn't be surprised about that. Succeeding must be the habit, not the exception.

Avery: yes, sir.

Bailey: close her up, the two of you (they make a step to the door). Good job, everyone (Cristina and Avery nod and the attending leave the OR. They start to scrub out)

Richard: the habit, huh?

Bailey: I'm not going to teach them to lose. They have already learnt it the hard way.

* * *

Meredith and Greg enter his office, the office once belonged to Derek. Meredith stops abruptly on the door realizing the changes in the room, that everything belonged to Derek is gone: his letters, the cards from his patients, his recognitions, his qualifications. She notices two big boxes on the floor.

Greg: what?

Meredith: excuse me?

Greg: nothing. You just stopped like you saw a ghost on the door.

Meredith: I… this room… I remembered it differently.

Greg: it was. It was gloomy and messy. I made some changes. Dr. Webber told me to arrange it following my needs and (he turn on himself showing around) voila! Do you like it?

Meredith: I liked gloomy and messy

Greg: it's the charm of the chaos. You'll laugh of yourself in two months (Meredith's face hardens, she is about to answer but dr. Brad goes sitting behind his desk and she shuts up). So… how are our post ops? (Meredith takes a list of patients)

Meredith: mr. Ellis woke up at 15 form anesthesia. Everything looks fine. He complained for headache and I gave him some painkillers.

Greg: did you check his allergies?

Meredith: in the pre op. Nothing to say. Bps look good, pressure is good. I've already prepared his schedule to be cleared: if tomorrow there are no changes he could go home on Thursday.

Greg: that's what I love of medicine: we open you up on Monday and on Thursday you can enjoy a dinner on the Seattle Needle. Then?

Meredith: our shunt scheduled for Friday was admitted today (she pushes a chart towards him). I discussed pre op exams with dr. Nelson and that is the list we arranged for tomorrow morning (Brad looks at it carefully).

Greg: no blood tests?

Meredith: usually we do them two days before surgery, not before.

Greg: oh… I forgot you were on strict budget. Ok… Will Nelson perform this surgery?

Meredith: I don't know. He said he would discuss the schedule and the surgery planning directly with you.

Greg: ok. Anything else?

Meredith: no.

Greg: good. I'm impressed by your efficiency.

Meredith: it's work (she stands up). If there's nothing else I can do for you… I'd go

Greg: it's fine (he stands up himself and takes his labcoat off). I'm done for tonight (he takes his coat and one of the boxes containing Derek's stuff. Meredith looks at it). I just have to take this stuff to the deposit.

Meredith: but those are dr. Sheperd's belongings…

Greg: I know. But he's not here. And probably won't ever be. I need space (he makes a step to the door)

Meredith: I'll take them

Greg: what?

Meredith: I've never told you today as I thought you remembered.

Greg: remember what?

Meredith: Dr. Sheperd is my husband. That's his stuff. I'm going to take it.

Greg: oh… No problem (he gives her the box). I'll give you the other tomorrow (they go out and he closes the door by his key). Good night, dr. Grey

Meredith. good night (he goes away and she stays there looking at the door, the box still in her hands)

* * *

Callie is going out the hospital.

Arizona: Callie! (Torres turns around to see Arizona running down the stairs. She approaches her out of breath). Hey… are you going home?

Callie: no, I was thinking to go to Joe's. It's been a long time

Arizona: are you all alone?

Callie: yes. Bailey is still in surgery with the chief. Mark…I don't know. I sent you a message, didn't you get it? (Arizona picks her phone from the bag and shows Callie the display).

Arizona: Why do you think I'm running? (Callie smiles). I read my hot girlfriend is all alone at the bar and didn't want to lose the chance to share a drink. We go? (Arizona takes Callie's hand and they start walking out). Oh… I was forgetting… We have an appointment next week with the social services, on Friday.

Callie: it's good

Arizona: didn't you get an appointment to visit the facility?

Callie: not yet. I was very busy today. I'm going to call tomorrow (Arizona stops). What?

Arizona: why don't we just go home and have a bath together? It's been a long and tiring day and… even last night… I really want to spend some time with you and get your forgiveness.

Callie: forgiveness? We have cleared. There's nothing more to discuss. Maybe you just should apologize to Mark later but… It's ok. But I still accept the bath (they both smile)

Arizona: ok

* * *

Dr. Wyatt is writing on a paper while Derek is sitting on the couch.

Wyatt: seeing how your disorder has developed, I highly recommend you to work to achieve the following targets (she pushes the document on the desk, looks up and notices Derek looks far away). Derek…

Derek: I'm sorry?

Wyatt: these are the targets you have to achieve

Derek: ok

Wyatt: ok… (she stands up and takes the paper with her). It's crystal clear you haven't listened to me a minute in the last hour. Which I would find annoying if it wasn't you were already working on the first step.

Derek: excuse me?

Wyatt: go

Derek: where?

Wyatt: Where you want to be strongly for at least an hour. With him.

Derek: I don't…

Wyatt: aren't you thinking about that man? You have been looking absent since you got back here (Derek nods). Go. Be with him (Derek breaths out). You're a doctor. And he's a lonely man whose wife is enduring a tough surgery, so tough she couldn't survive. He was depressed and scared. And you want to help him.

Derek: how is it this is one of my targets?

Wyatt: as I want you to really consider if you want to give up being a doctor.

Derek: I have never said I wanted to give up my career.

Wyatt. You didn't say it but that's what you did. So just stop for a moment, close out all emotions and bad feelings and angst. Look deep inside you. Tell me what you'd tell me if I was doctor Webber (Derek breaths out)

Derek: I'd tell you I miss this place and my job. That I don't feel ready to come back full time. I'm not even ready to perform surgeries. I'm scared of crowded place and the idea of blood everywhere. But, so messed up as I am, I could help with paper work and teaching. I want to try to prove myself that deep inside, despite fears and worry and flashbacks of Gary Clark stabbing me, there's always the man I have grown up to be.

Wyatt. That's what I meant. So… what are you still doing here wasting my time? Get out (after some seconds of hesitation Derek stands up, doctor Wyatt handles him her paper and he goes away)

* * *

Meredith enters Joe's and sees Cristina at the bar. She goes sitting near her.

Meredith: hey (Joe comes closer). Hi Joe.

Joe: dr. Grey. How is Derek?

Meredith: good, thank you. Would you pour me an orange juice please?

Joe: sure (he takes the glass and fills it). Really turned into a healthy nut, um?

Meredith: yeah… Give her my tequila.

Joe: she doesn't need yours. I guess she has enough of hers (Cristina puts her glass down).

Cristina: who are you, my mother? I've just had two drinks and I'm an adult.

Joe: who is going to drive home.

Cristina: I'm not driving. My boyfriend is going to drive. Even if I could do that.

Avery: sure you can (he sits with them). Give me a beer, Joe. I have to toast.

Meredith: to what?

Avery: to my successful surgery. I removed a cancer from the patient's lung and dissected it.

Meredith: congratulations

Avery: everything despite her skepticism.

Cristina: I was not skeptic. I was just surprised you were allowed to do everything on your own.

Meredith: seriously? (Avery smiles and raises his glass before drinking). I should have picked general (Cristina takes an eye at the box under Mer's stall)

Cristina: have McSneaky already kicked you out?

Meredith: no, he hasn't. That's Derek's stuff.

Cristina: what?

Meredith: apparently the Chief gave him Derek's old office and he packed everything. He was going to through everything away.

Cristina: not kind from him.

Avery: even not kind from the chief

Meredith: I don't know. Derek had his stuff in both offices. It's normal they need space now. SG hasn't plenty of rooms but… it was sad. To go in there and noticing all his… our photos were gone (she takes a sip of her juice)

Cristina: oh my God…

Meredith: what? What's wrong?

Cristina: Did Derek have still that photo of you on the beach on his desk?

Meredith: I don't know. Why do you ask?

Cristina: as McSneaky has already taken it. Oh… oh my God, Mer…

Meredith: what?

Cristina: what if Derek had photos on his laptop?

Meredith: what do you mean?

Cristina: you know what I mean (she looks straight into Mer's eyes. Her expression gets ridiculous and Mer starts laughing)

Meredith: are you seriously suggesting Derek could have porno photos on his job laptop?

Cristina: why not? It's you and Derek after all… (Meredith takes Cristina's glass away from her)

Meredith: you're really high, aren't you? (Hunt enters the bar and gets closer)

Hunt: good evening everyone (Avery raises his glass and Meredith nods at him)

Cristina: hey (she slurs)

Meredith: she's drunk I guess.

Cristina: I'm not drunk. I'm sure that boy has your photos by now.

Meredith: sure, sure

Owen: what is she talking about?

Cristina: Derek had… Ouch!

Meredith: nothing. She's talking nonsense

Cristina: you'll see. Who is that? (she points to the corner of the bar and both Meredith and Owen follow her finger)

Meredith: that's dr. Altman

Cristina: that I know, you genius. The guy who's with her I meant.

Avery: I don't know him.

Meredith: he's hot

Owen: it's her date

Cristina: date?

Owen: date. That's what I said.

Cristina: Joe… Give me another (she raises her empty glass asking for another) I have to toast.

Meredith: to what?

Cristina: to McSneaky who has got Mer's naked photos (Mer makes a face, Owen looks puzzled and bewildered at the same time) and Teddy's date.

Meredith: you don't even know him.

Cristina: but he is going to distract her and make her forget my fiancé

Meredith: fiancé?

* * *

_Home… it's like an addiction._

_It's a castle or a prison._

_It's the place who reminds you who you are._

_It's the box of your life._

* * *

Bailey and Richard are at the chief's office. Richard is changing and wearing his white labcoat.

Richard: good surgery

Bailey: yes. I was not optimist before. But we were lucky. She was lucky.

Richard: yes. And Avery was good. We made a good choice, Miranda.

Bailey: I know (she looks outside the door and sees a light in the neuro's office). Is Derek here?

Richard: I don't know. Why do you ask?

Bailey: the light is on in his office… (they both go out and knock. No one answers and they go in). What the hell happened in here? (they look around and notice all Derek's stuff is gone. Richard goes to the desk and takes the nameplate)

Richard: damn it.

Bailey: what?

Richard: dr. Brad misunderstood. I told him to take the other office and he took Derek's.

Bailey: that guy is too taken from himself to get a two word sentence.

Richard: let's go to Mr. Beckett now. I'll talk to Brad tomorrow and set things back as they were in here (they switch off the light and walk down the corridor to the waiting area. They turn the last corner and Richard stops seeing Derek sitting with mr. Beckett. He stops Miranda too. The man is bending forward crying and Derek is trying to comfort him)

Derek: mr. Beckett… you need to calm down. I know it's hard and stressing to wait for news.

Beckett: she's dead. I know she is.

Derek: you don't know that.

Beckett: and you don't know she's fine.

Derek: no. But what I know is that you must have faith. They're going to come out soon and you'll know. But till then, you need to believe she's going to be okay.

Beckett: it's easy for you to say…

Derek: it's not easy. But I know dr. Bailey and Dr. Webber. If there's someone who'll do anything to save your wife's life, that's them. They saved my life too.

Richard: mr. Beckett (the man raises his head to look at them, Derek turns to them too)

Beckett: who did it go? (Richard lingers a moment staring at Derek)

Derek: I go now, leave you alone.

Beckett: no, please. Just stay here.

Bailey: Mr. Beckett… these are information covered by medical privacy

Beckett: I don't care. He's been sitting here with me for hours. I want him to stay

Bailey: ok (Richard is still looking at Derek who diverts his stare). The surgery went fine. Your wife is in the ICU now. But we were able to remove all the sick tissue and she'll be fine. She'll have to take tests constantly to check her lungs, but the tumor is gone (Derek's lips curl in a smile)

Beckett: really?

Richard: really.

Beckett: oh my God, thank you (he stands up and shakes their hand). I don't know what to say…

Bailey: thank you is enough. You can come with me to see your wife for a while now (Beckett stands up and takes his coat. He turns around to face Derek, who is still sitting)

Beckett: thank you. I wouldn't have survived here on my own

Derek: it was a pleasure. Say hi to your wife (they shake hands and Beckett and Bailey go away. Derek follows them with his eyes and then feels Richard's look on him). I'm sorry. I didn't want to interfere. I saw him outside dr Wyatt's office and he was breaking down. I just wanted to help.

Richard: you don't need to justify. And you did a wonderful thing to keep him company and holding him up. Thank you (Richard turns around and makes two step to walk away, Derek stands up)

Derek: Richard (he turns around)

Richard: yeah?

Derek: can I talk to you for some minute, please?

Richard: of course. Let's go to my office.

* * *

_You may think you can forget it._

_You may think you can move without regrets._

_You may think you can build another life elsewhere._

_But you fool yourself._

* * *

Meredith enters her kitchen and find Lexie drinking some coffee.

Meredith: hey (she takes strawberries from the fridge and sits at the counter. She starts eating).

Lexie: hey

Meredith: I thought you were going to sleep at Mark's

Lexie: I was indeed. But he got a page.

Meredith: you don't seem so disappointed by the way

Lexie: no. I need some sleep, you know.

Meredith: I know (she smiles and sets a fruit in her mouth).

Lexie: Derek?

Meredith: he should come home. He told me he would come home but… I haven't seen him in the afternoon so… he could even not come.

Lexie: I'm sorry

Meredith: what for?

Lexie: It's just that sometimes I think the two of you should have more privacy. Derek needs quiet and we are messy. We come and go, come and go (Meredith touches her arm).

Meredith: Lexie… He's been living here for a while now. He knows how it works. And he would never say it but… he likes here. He can't look forward to have the house in the woods but… he loves here. And even my roommates. He got used to you all.

Lexie: and you?

Meredith: I'm used to you all too.

Lexie: not that… Will you miss living here?

Meredith: I don't know. Maybe I will… I know I will but… for some reason I really want to leave. I don't know.

* * *

_Your home is who you are (the moon shines on Derek's trailer)_

_It's an appendix of your soul._

* * *

Owen enters his and Cristina's apartment carrying her. He tries to kick the door shut but it stays open.

Cristina: go back!

Owen: I'm going to put you in bed then I'll go back

Cristina: go back. I'll close it (he goes back to the door and Cristina pushes it closed). You see? I'm not that drunk

Owen: you closed a door, Cristina. You haven't solved an equation (he walks into their bedroom and puts her in bed).

Cristina: but I did something you couldn't.

Owen: I couldn't as I'm carrying my drunk and beautiful girlfriend.

Cristina: fiancé

Owen: whatever

Cristina: it's not whatever… Don't you want to marry me anymore? (Owen looks down at her stunned) What? You asked me some time ago and I didn't answer. I figured it out and I want. I say yes (Owen keeps looking at her wide eyes). Oh… you changed your mind…

Owen: I didn't change my mind but…

Cristina: what? You thought I wasn't even considering it?

Owen: kind of.

Cristina: men… (she turns on the bed giving her shoulders to him). They pop questions and then they forget

Owen: I hadn't forgotten. Anyway… I'd like to try this conversation when you're not rotten drunk (Cristina turns to look at him)

Cristina: I'm not rotten drunk. I have only had some drinks with my friends.

Owen: quantify some.

Cristina: three (Owen shakes his head at her). Ok, ok. Maybe five. No… six, considering the one for Teddy's date.

Owen: six tequilas. I'm wondering how you're still awake.

Cristina: I hoped to have some fun (she catches his lips with hers. Owen deepens his kiss and then stops)

Owen: I'd like to have some fun too. But you need to sleep over this (he kisses her on the cheek and turns around). Good night (she falls asleep, Hunt spoons her with his frame)

* * *

_It's your cocoon. A place where great things happen_

Derek and Richard enter Webber's office. Derek stops on the door seeing Jennings sitting at the desk.

Jennings: dr. Sheperd (he stands up and goes shaking Derek's hand). It's good to see you. How are you?

Derek: I'm quite fine, thanks.

Jennings: I've tried to call you several times...

Derek: I know and I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls but I wanted some space.

Jennings: you didn't need to apologize. On the contrary… the Board wants to apologize. Me specially. I'm really sorry how things worked out and you don't know how much I'd like to make up for my mistakes. I know that you took your decision but… if you'll ever change your mind…

Richard: Jennings… not now (he goes sitting on his chair). Actually Derek wanted to talk to me in private, can you wait for me?

Jennings: sure (he turns to leave)

Derek: stay (Jennings stops and Richard searches Derek's eyes for explanation). What I'm going to ask you concerns even the Board. We'll save time.

Richard: ok (he gestures the two of them to sit. Derek clears his throat)

Derek: what happened to me shifted my priorities, definitely. But, since I've started to face all the consequences, both physically and psychologically, it's pretty clear that, whatever will happen, I want to try to continue being a surgeon.

Richard: it's great to hear that.

Derek: and despite everything, if I can overcome my fears, I'd like to stay here. That's the place I've chosen some year ago.

Jennings: you can have your position back even today if you want.

Derek: No… I'm not ready. And probably I won't be for a very long time. I could even never be ready again. I want you to know. I want to stay here, but I don't know if I can. So you could take me back and then… I could leave

Richard: we won't press you into anything.

Derek: I'm in therapy (Jennings shares a look with Richard). I think is right you know even that. I still have panic attacks and… (he breaths out)

Richard: do you want to start to come here as an external observer?

Jennings: Richard… I don't think that…

Derek: that would be great. I can't make surgeries till my therapist won't clear me. But I can supervise and teach and do paper work. If you agree, of course.

Richard: Jennings…

Jennings: It's ok. You can start when you want, even tomorrow. I'll talk with the Board. But for internal procedures and insurance, you need to have a tutor, someone who is responsible for you, who can have information about your healing process.

Richard: I can do that.

Jennings: dr. Sheperd?

Derek: it's fine. Thank you, Richard.

Richard: I own you.

Jennings: we all do (his cell rings and he looks at it). I need to go (he stands up and shakes Derek's hand). See you around then (he goes out and Derek hides his face in his hands)

Richard: we are going to make it, Derek.

Derek: I'd like to be as optimist as you all are

Richard: you need to take it easy. Time makes miracles (Derek nods and stands up)

Derek: Meredith is waiting for me at home. Good night.

Richard: good night. See you tomorrow.

* * *

_It's where you find solace after the day worn you out._

_It's where you make plans, when your life… your idea of life takes shape _

(Callie and Arizona are on the couch reading infant magazines)

_It's where you suddenly realize you're not alone anymore._

Derek enters Mer's house. He finds her in the kitchen.

Derek: hey (Meredith is washing dishes, she turns around to see Derek leaning on the doorframe)

Meredith: hey… you're home

Derek: finally (he takes a look around, it's been more than a month since he last was in this room). I'm home.

Meredith: you still don't like here, don't you? (Derek gives her a smile and then goes in)

Derek: I do. I missed it. I missed the noise, the disorder and everything that makes this place special (he is in front of Meredith). More than everything I missed you (he kisses her on the lips)

Meredith: how was your day? (Derek shrugs) So bad? (she strokes his cheek)

Derek: how was yours?

Meredith: crappy. I worked for the first time with dr. Brad.

Derek: who is he? (Meredith makes a face and rambles)

Meredith: a neurosurgeon… (it's Derek's turn to be surprised). Hasn't the chief said anything to you?

Derek: no. But he has not to tell me. And how is this new guy? (he closes his arms around her)

Meredith: do we really have to talk about him? (Derek's eyes are locked with hers, he's smiling. He kisses her again, deeper. They are still kissing when Lexie runs into the room fidgeting with her belt)

Lexie: do you want me to stay here or… (she sees the two of them kissing and stops talking. Derek and Meredith part). Oh… I'm sorry… I didn't want to interrupt you….

Meredith: you didn't

Derek: she did

Lexie: I didn't think you were coming home so early. Are you ok?

Derek: yes

Meredith: Lexie… (she looks straight at her sister letting her know she needs to leave)

Lexie: of course. I go. Mark is home waiting for me. Have a good night sleep. Or… not sleep… whatever you want…

Meredith: Lexie…

Lexie: fine… (she waves her hand saying hallo and leaves. The door slams shut and Meredith giggles)

Meredith: you were missing this, right?

Derek: I was. Let's go upstairs, I'm a little bit tired. Do you mind?

Meredith: of course not (they go out the kitchen and start walking down the corridor hand in hand. Derek notices a box at the bottom of the stairs and stops realizing the content)

Derek: That's my stuff… (he looks at Meredith and she seems embarrassed). How did it end up here?

Meredith: We'll talk about it tomorrow (she kisses him quickly) Let's go (she turns around but Derek's keeps her hand and she has to go back)

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: the chief gave your old office to the new guy. When I went to him to discuss cases he had collected all your stuff in two boxes. He was taking them to the deposit so I picked the first one up and brought it home. Tomorrow I'll get the second. I'm sorry… (Derek keeps silent for some second looking at his objects piled up in the box, he then looks up)

Derek: you don't have to be. If everything goes fine, that stuff will be back in my office in no time.

Meredith: what do you mean?

Derek: I talked to the chief tonight. And to Dr. Wyatt the whole day. She thinks going back to work could help me to feel less isolated. It could decrease panic and everything.

Meredith: so you decided to go back to work?

Derek: not really. I won't operate till I'm not fine. And I really don't know how much it will take. I'll also have to talk to a physiotherapist to make rehabilitation. Anyway, in the while, I'll supervise, do paper work, easy stuff (Meredith smiles brightly)

Meredith: it's great. I'm so happy for you

Derek: it's not like they hired me back. I didn't… I didn't want that, I just wanted to try and see if I'm still able to work in this hospital.

Meredith: that's a start however. I'm so proud of you.

Derek: what if I can't do that?

Meredith: I'd love you anyway.

Derek: you said you wouldn't love me if I gave up being a surgeon.

Meredith: that was a stupid thing to say. I was worried about Izzie and… just said that. But I'd love you anyway. Whatever you decide, I'm by your side. Wherever you choose to go, I'll go too. Don't think you can dump me with a little you growing in my gut.

Derek: I'll never do it (he hugs her rocking)

Meredith: good. And I'm sure I'll be working for you in no time. And Dr. Greg Brad will go back to New York dragging his poor ass (Derek giggles)

Derek: you don't like him that much…

Meredith: as I said before, I don't want to waste your first evening home talking about him. We'll have time tomorrow if you still want my impressions. Let's go (she kisses him quickly again and then they go upstairs. She enters her room and falls on the bed. Derek lingers on the door taking a look around). There's dust everywhere, I know (Derek smiles and joins her in bed)

Derek: I wasn't thinking about that (he kisses her and falls on his back). God… this feels so good (his head is on the pillow, Meredith's face is in the crock of his neck, her arm on his chest).

Meredith: we missed you so much (Derek turns to look at her, he rolls on her and kisses her face). We are playing with fire, Der…

Derek: why? (he keeps kissing her everywhere). Do you want me to stop?

Meredith: no, but… (their eyes are locked in a silent conversation and Derek gets she's scared he could have another panic attack)

Derek: I'm fine. And we're gonna do it my way tonight (he presses down with his body on her and starts rummaging her body with both hands)

Meredith: it's a lame excuse, you know (he kisses her neck)

Derek: do I need excuse to kiss my wife?

Meredith: no… (her eyes are closed and her lips are swollen from excitement). But you need it to make me your sex slave (he's taking off her shirt, he lets it fall on the bed and lowers his head on her)

Derek: is it so bad?

Meredith: no… go on please.

Derek: like you command, lady (he kisses her again). Who's sex slave now? (they kiss again)

_Home makes you feel safe._

_It makes you feel loved._

_It's where you feel you belong to somebody._

_Forever._


	27. A NEW DAY

_Have you ever stopped to contemplate the magic of a new day which begins?_

_The sun rises… light takes over darkness…_

_You feel brand new… ready to anything…_

* * *

(Meredith is sleeping on one side, Derek is spooning her. The alarm sounds and she stirs. She turns around to see him waking up)

Meredith: morning…

Derek: hey (he kisses her on the nose). What time is it?

Meredith: half past six. I'm late (she pushes the sheet away and stands up, she starts dressing quickly). What time are you going to start?

Derek: don't know… I don't have schedules (he mumbles rubbing his eyes and Meredith sits on the bed)

Meredith: you're becoming a spoiled brat, you know that?

Derek: just the perks of being the almost killed chief (he looks up and sees Mer's frown). Sorry…

Meredith: never mind. I can forgive you anything after last night (she grins stroking his bare chest. The sheet moves down and she takes a look on his sides, covered by dark bruises). Derek…

Derek: I'm fine. They're healing.

Meredith: I hadn't noticed them (she passes her hand carefully on him)

Derek: you don't notice anything when you… (she silences him pressing her palm on his mouth)

Meredith: from 1 to 10, how is the pain today?

Derek: 7, 6 … going down since I'm home with you.

Meredith: will you have yourself checked?

Derek: it's not necessary

Meredith: it is, Derek. You're in pain and you need to heal if you want to stand and go back to work. Talk to Bailey. Maybe she can give you something.

Derek: it's fine, Mer. I had two complicated surgeries. Post op is long, you see it every day.

Meredith: not on you (her pager beeps and she looks at it). Dr. Brad needs me. I have to go (she stands up but Derek restrains her hand, he pulls her near him and kisses her)

Derek: have a nice day

Meredith: see you later (she leaves and Derek stands up)

* * *

_But are you really?_

* * *

Dr. Brad is opening the door of his new office.

Richard: dr. Brad (the man turns around smiling)

Dr. Brad: dr. Webber. You're early. Are you checking on me?

Richard: of course not. I just needed two words with you.

Dr. Brad: sure, come in (he goes in and switches the light on).

Richard: I'm gonna be quick. Probably you misunderstood me yesterday (Greg looks at him, a frown on his face)

Dr. Brad: about what?

Richard: about this being your office. I didn't mean this one. I meant the other on the opposite side of the corridor.

Dr. Brad: oh, sorry. But can I stay here? I mean… I've already ordered my stuff and Dr. Sheperd is not going to come back.

Richard: he is.

Dr. Brad: excuse me?

Richard: actually he is coming back today. Not as a surgeon, but as supervisor. He will be employed in bureaucratic stuff and advising for some time. I'd really appreciate your help.

Dr. Brad: what do you mean?

Richard: just keep him in your cases. Let him feel involved. He is a great guy and one of the best neurosurgeons in the world. He can even teach you things. You're both from New York, you can have a lot of things in common.

Dr. Brad: ok

Richard: thanks (he turns to go to the door and then stops again and looks back). And… I'm sorry you wasted one day to settle things here but… if you don't mind, I'd really like Derek to have his office back within today. I don't know why (he takes a quick glance around) but he really likes this place. Have a nice day.

Dr. Brad: you too (Richard leaves and Greg slams his wallet on the desk)

* * *

Mark and Lexie are entering the hospital together, hand in hand. Some nurses give them a nod.

Lexie: it seems like a life ago

Mark: what?

Lexie: when we started dating and everyone was pointing at us like fools.

Mark: they were pointing at you actually. You broke Big Sloan (Lexie rolls her eyes)

Lexie: and all the nurses you had been screwing for months were mourning it.

Mark: it was a great loss

Lexie: I'd not be so proud of it if I were you.

Mark: why not?

Lexie: they were mourning your stuff, not you.

Mark: I came with the stuff (Lexie sends a deathly glare to him). Not in that sense… I didn't mean that.

Lexie: it doesn't matter what you meant or not. It was the proper image to shove into my face. Sometimes I feel like the moron who believes in magic and will end up being screwed and left behind (Mark stops her by the elbow)

Mark: Lexie… I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. And I'm not proud of who I was. I was just a lame ass who slept around and was afraid to stop and make a balance of his life. My libido had the full control of my life and it nearly destroyed me, it destroyed my family, my best friend and every relationship I was able to build. I was miserable. You gave me a reason to settle down and I'm grateful for this.

Lexie: Mark… that's cheesy to say but… (he silences her kissing her passionately)

Mark: I love you. I love you, that's true. I'd go to the moon for you and back. I'd like to make steps but I'm scared you'd say me no again.

Lexie: steps?

Mark: living together, marriage, maybe kids (Lexie squirms). You see… I know you're young and you're in the middle of your internship, I'd never force you into anything. But I'm ready. I just want you to know that I'm ready for eternal commitment (he takes her hand and they join the elevator. The door open and they see Meredith inside. They go in)

Meredith: good morning

Lexie: hey… I'm sorry for yesterday evening. I didn't expect Derek to be home so early and so… (Meredith stares at her blankly and she shuts up)

Mark: so?

Lexie: nothing.

Mark: you're lying. How was he?

Lexie: fine, definitely.

Mark: Big Grey?

Meredith: he was fine. Don't worry. But this morning… he has bruises all around and they must hurt.

Mark: did you have sex? (Meredith blushes)

Lexie: Mark! That's none of your business

Mark: it wouldn't be normally. But Derek just left the hospital without medical approval, some of his ribs are still cracked, he spits blood when he coughs. Dancing the horizontal mambo all night won't make him feel better, Grey. You know that.

Meredith: I know. That's why I told him to have a CT or something

Mark: you really want to fool yourself believing he'll do it.

Meredith: I he doesn't today, I'll ask Bailey to oblige him (the elevator gets to the floor and the doors open). I'll take care of him (Meredith goes left and the others right)

* * *

Derek enters the kitchen to find Alex having breakfast.

Derek: good morning

Alex: good morning. You're back.

Derek: finally. I had forgotten how it feels to be here (he sits at the counter and looks around. There are the rests of several breakfasts, a pile of dishes to wash in the sink)

Alex: net and ordered?

Derek: dirt and messy. But homey (he sinks a glass of milk Alex has settled in front of him). So… what did you want to tell me yesterday?

Alex: about what?

Derek: about me keeping my eyes open (Alex looks at him and then down on his jam)

Alex: oh… you mean at the cafeteria…

Derek: I do

Alex: that was a joke, a stupid joke.

Derek: it didn't look to me.

Alex: we were just making conversation. Gossips, the stuff of residents. And we were taking fun of Meredith, that's all.

Derek: about the new surgeon?

Alex: look… it was really a load of crap. He is a cocky arrogant who thinks everyone will fall for him. He doesn't know where he is. Our girls will eat him alive, his expensive shoes included (he chews his sandwich and Derek plays with some cake on the counter)

Derek: is Meredith fine?

Alex: She looks great to me. Every day fatter. But proudly fatter. Why do you ask?

Derek: I don't know. I feel she wouldn't talk to me if she had some problems.

Alex: it was tough for her. Anyone can deny that. But she is reacting and she looks happy. She has all she wants: a baby coming, neuro in her pocket. She hit the jackpot (he looks at his watch and stands up). Do you need a lift?

Derek: no. I'll take a shower first, thank you.

Alex: ok (he turns towards the table behind him). That's coffee if you want some (he sets a cup in front of him and turns to the table again) and the remaining of Lexie's homemade sandwiches (he sets a trail with a place and a knife on if). Have fun (he leaves, Derek stays there looking with unease to the gleaming blade)

* * *

Cristina enters the cafeteria spotting Hunt in a table in the corner of the room. She approaches him from behind and blinds him with her hands.

Cristina: guess who?

Owen: Cristina? (she breaths out loudly)

Cristina: you're no fun. You had to pretend I was someone else and stand my game (she turns around and sits in front of him with a coffee in her hand. She is pouting)

Owen: sorry. I didn't know jokey Cristina. Have you just arrived?

Cristina: yes. I was almost late. Why didn't you wake me up?

Owen: you were sound asleep. I thought you needed some more time to digest your drunkenness (he resumes reading his magazine)

Cristina: I was not high

Owen: you looked really high (he grins)

Cristina: I looked but I wasn't. I remember anything of yesterday evening

Owen: do you?

Cristina: I remember you picked me up at Joe's. There were Meredith and Teddy and her date. You brought me home where you refused to make love to me. You see? (she drinks and looks carefully at him, he seems disappointed while sipping his coffee)

Owen: ok… maybe you were not completely drunk.

Cristina: you can say it loud, you stupid idiot. You think I forgot the last thing I told you before getting asleep?

Owen: that was?

Cristina: I would marry your sorry ass (Owen nearly chokes on his coffee spitting dark liquid on the table). What the hell are you doing? (she stands up and gets a towel, she quickly cleans the table and handles a paper to Owen)

Owen: I'm sorry but… that's the strangest approval I could have ever had (Cristina shrugs)

Cristina: what matters? I said yes

Owen: you did?

Cristina: yeah. Just don't get me involved in preparative crap. I'm the espouse and I'll come to the church when you tell me to. I don't want to have a word on the ceremony or everything else.

Owen: ok

Cristina: and I won't shave my eyebrows

Owen: of course not.

Cristina: and I won't wear a stupid tiara or anything who belonged to your favorite auntie or whatever (she takes another sip of her coffee and Owen looks bewildered at her). What?

Owen: nothing… just… are you kidding or are you talking to me seriously?

Cristina: I'm as serious as you were. Do you want to be my husband or not?

Owen: I do.

Cristina: so do I. So… cheer! (she bumps her glass with his. Owen is always more confused)

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: what's there now?

Owen: if you really want to marry me, I need to propose to you.

Cristina: you did already.

Owen: that was not how I have been imagining it all my life. And I'd like to do it my way.

Cristina: ok. Do what you want. I'll fake surprise (she stands up and leaves. Owen shakes his head)

* * *

Bailey and Jackson go in Mrs. Beckett's room. She is with her husband.

Bailey: hi Mrs. Beckett… how are you doing this morning? (she gives her a smile and the woman smiles back)

Mrs. Beckett: like someone just squeezed my lungs. But fine. And you can call me Brenda, doctor Bailey.

Bailey: ok (she opens her chart).

Jackson: Are you breathing better?

Brenda: definitely (he gets closer to hear her lungs). You see? (she takes the oxygen mask out)

Jackson: that's good

Brenda: but if you look at me with those eyes, it's gonna be difficult to breathe (Jackson blushes and Miranda giggles)

Mr. Beckett: Brenda! I'm sorry… she is lighthearted this morning

Brenda: come on Graham. It was a joke. He could be our son.

Mr. Beckett: or nephew

Jackson: may I? (he approaches shyly)

Brenda: of course, darling. And I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I'm just an old whale who says stupid things.

Mr. Beckett: you're not old. And you're not a whale. You look beautiful as usual (Jackson is visiting her while Bailey is taking notes)

Bailey: you're husband is a romantic, Brenda. How long have you been married?

Brenda: it's 25 years in a week.

Mr. Beckett: and we are going to celebrate it home together (they kiss and Miranda smiles)

Brenda: and you… are you married doctor Bailey?

Bailey: I was. But things don't always go like for the two of you.

Brenda: I'm sorry (Bailey shrugs). And you?

Jackson: no… not yet

Brenda: your moment will come, you'll see. Boys and girls are scared of commitment today. But I think is just because they don't meet the right person. Graham and I… we got married 4 months after we met.

Mr. Beckett: it was in Portland's ER, you remember? (she nods)

Bailey: ER?

Mr. Beckett: yes. She had hurt yourself baking biscuits and I was there with my brother. They shared the same room. You know… some year ago there wasn't all this attention to privacy and sex separation. You could even sleep with a woman without jumping her or being mischievous. It was more fun.

Bailey: I guess you're right. Everything looks fine by the way. We'll take more tests later. If everything goes as expected, you'll be out of here within 2-3 days to celebrate your marriage somewhere fancy

Brenda: thank you dr. Bailey. And thank you even for supporting Graham. He is proud and private but… he talks a lot about the doctor who helped him though my surgery. We'll never thank you enough.

Bailey: you have just done it three times. And it's more than enough. Take care of yourself. We'll come back later (they go out)

Jackson: do I have to plan blood tests for later?

Bailey: yes. And a CT. I want to be sure everything is fine before releasing her. See you later.

* * *

Mark enters his laboratory. The walls are covered by Mrs. Swanson's scans and films. He breaths out and starts collecting everything. Callie comes in.

Callie: hey

Mark: Torres

Callie: I knew I'd found you here (she sits). This case is absorbing every spill of your energy.

Mark: it's done spilling. We're done.

Callie: Why? Did she change her mind?

Mark: no. But Webber couldn't find me a kick ass neuro guy ready to try this. And without the neuro guy, I'm done.

Callie: I'm sorry

Mark: I am too. And I'll be more on Saturday. Mrs. Swanson will come here ready to have surgery and I'll send her home without.

Callie: isn't it better to tell her so that she won't come?

Mark: I tried to contact her but she's abroad. She'll come to the US on Saturday just for the occasion.

Callie: I'm sorry for you.

Mark: but not for the patient.

Callie: I'm sorry?

Mark: spit it out, Torres. You didn't agree with this surgery. You thought I was after a huge case.

Callie: I didn't (Mark looks at her)… not for the case at least. But I think sometimes we have to stop and admit life defeated us. Surgery has limits. Are you really sure you were not beyond them?

Mark: I was. I could do it. Try to at least (he sits near her)

Callie: it was just a bad moment Mark. There are awards in two months, people don't want to screw their chances for impossible cases, plastics is in the corner of doom. What happened yesterday didn't help you as well.

Mark: why, what happened yesterday?

Callie: you don't know? (Mark shakes his head) It was on every newscast and newspaper.

Mark: I had best stuff to do (he grins and Callie rolls her eyes)

Callie: what a shame the surgeon who did this mess hadn't too.

Mark: seriously, what happened?

Callie: a woman died for a lifting surgery. She had post op complications and died. It came out she had immunological deficiencies and no one cared. She had to be an actress or something as she had a familiar face (she takes the Seattle Press out of her pocket and handles it to him). Look… it's in the chronicles section (Mark takes the paper and opens it)

Mark: crap… that's Mrs. Walsh

Callie: was she famous?

Mark: she was a patient of mine. That's why she looked familiar to you. She was here last week. And I refused to make the surgery. I need to talk with the chief (he stands up and leaves. He meets Karev on the door). Come with me, Karev (he doesn't stop and Alex looks between him and Torres)

Alex: good morning everyone (he turns around and leaves)

* * *

Richard is at his desk. Someone knocks, he looks up to find Derek on his door.

Richard: hey… you're early

Derek: I can come back if you're busy

Richard: I'm not. Come in. I was just checking on the next trimester budget.

Derek: I don't envy you.

Richard: I know. But it's just temporary. If everyone goes as I expect it to go, in some week I'll be making surgeries and you'll be making maths (Derek sits in front of him and breaths out)

Derek: for what I asked you yesterday… maybe… we should reconsider that (Richard looks up and takes off his glasses)

Richard: why? Did you have another episode?

Derek: no… no. But I got to know you hired someone at my place. I didn't mean to impose myself on you. Had I known…

Richard: I didn't hire Dr Brad to replace you. I hired him to help Dr. Nelson as long as you're not ready for surgery. And I didn't give him your office. He misunderstood. He'll move out within tonight. We are waiting for you, Derek. We want to wait for you. I was very relieved you suggested that agreement yesterday. I think it's good for us both

Derek: ok

Richard: so… if you're ready you could help me with this thing. I'm trying to decide which instruments to buy. I have a lot of reports (he takes a pile of documents and settles them in front of Derek) here and the attendings' memos here (he takes the first and then sets it down again). No… I won't start with Altman's.

Derek: is she still complaining you disregard cardio?

Richard: what do you think? (Derek smiles)

Derek: give me those (Richard smiles back and they start to read their documents)

* * *

Meredith comes out from a room snorting, a chart under her elbow. She sets the chart on the nurse station and starts to write nervously. Cristina approaches her, she leans on her desk smiling.

Cristina: hey

Meredith: hey (Cristina notices her sad demeanor)

Cristina: I thought pregnancy upside down and breakdown would last till the third month. You look pissed.

Meredith: I am pissed. I am pissed as apparently my husband is the only reasonable neuro surgeon on this earth. All the others are just screwed people who screw residents and their hopes.

Cristina: what did McSneaky do this time?

Meredith: he exists

Cristina: come on, Mer… Someone could think you like him… (Meredith sends her a deathly glare). All this hate… and screwing talking

Meredith: he had moved your top week surgery for no reason you'd be pissed yourself. I have been studying for this all week.

Cristina: don't get mad. Is the patient dead?

Meredith: no, thanks God he's not

Cristina: so you'll have your surgery soon. What's the matter? (Meredith closes the chart and she handles it to the nurse, they start walking down the corridor and Cristina whistles)

Meredith: you didn't digest yesterday's crap. Are you sure you can work?

Cristina: I'm perfect. I'm going to have a heart transplant in an hour and I'm going to marry Owen soon (Meredith stops walking and Cristina turns around noticing she stayed behind her). What? (Meredith takes her sleeve and pulls her in a closet) What Mer?

Meredith: did you accept to get married yesterday?

Cristina: no, this morning.

Meredith: but how…

Cristina: Owen kind of proposed some week ago. And today I said yes.

Meredith: so you gave him a delayed answer

Cristina: sure. I needed time to figure this crap out

Meredith: crap?

Cristina: yeah, you know… the dress, the wedding, the church… I don't want to get involved in all this anymore. He'll do everything.

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: don't worry. I told him I'm not going to shave my brows and so on. I'm gonna be fine. We just have to make it fast.

Meredith: fast?

Cristina: you're gonna be my maid of honor. And I don't want you to blow my wedding up losing your waters on the aisle.

Meredith: that's what you're worried about?

Cristina: what else? It wouldn't be nice to get married on Torres' table as I broke my leg sliding on your fluids (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: you look happy

Cristina: I am. I have changed (Meredith come closer and widens her arms to hug her) Not that much! (she rises her hands to stop her) You're not going to… (Meredith hugs her)

Meredith: shut up!

* * *

Owen enters the men's toilet and finds Mark washing his hands.

Mark: hey (Hunt enters the cubicle and comes out seconds later, he gets closer to the faucet)

Owen: you're ok?

Mark: yeah. Just some trouble.

Owen: private or professional?

Mark: professional (Owen looks at Mark, surprised by his silence and discretion)

Owen: ok… are you nervous for the department financing prize?

Mark: no. I know I have that in my pocket. I was sure when I wrote my plan and since Derek is taking care of it… I'm even more sure.

Owen: Sheperd?

Mark: how many Derek do you know?

Owen: just one. But he was not working till yesterday.

Mark: he is today. Probably writing my name in golden letters right now.

Owen: don't be that smug. Sheperd's not a corruptible.

Mark: he owns me his life

Owen: to be true, he owns it to me, Altman, Bailey and Webber. You didn't do anything.

Mark: I supported him! And I'm making sure he remembers about it (he throws the paper in the basket and leaves, Owen smiles shaking his head)

* * *

Callie, Arizona and Teddy are eating in the cafeteria.

Teddy: do you know when the Chief will give the announce?

Callie: no. I guess tonight

Arizona: last time we cornered him he said he hadn't read all the memos yet

Teddy: you know him… What do you think?

Callie: I have no idea. Webber is unpredictable (Arizona takes a bite of her sandwich, she is staring at the room when she notices Derek entering and sitting at a table alone)

Arizona: there he is!

Callie: who? (she turns around to take a look)

Arizona: Sheperd… I have been looking for him all morning to say hi, but he was nowhere to be found.

Teddy: the chief gave him paper work

Arizona: he's skinny

Callie: and humpy (Owen arrives and sits with them)

Owen: hey… can I eat with you?

Arizona: sure

Callie: do you call that eating? (she points at his trailer) How can you not starve?

Arizona: he is a man. Men consume less calories and energy than women

Teddy: it's their luck (she looks at Derek, alone at the table). Don't you think we should keep him company? (Callie looks up just in time to see Mark sitting with Derek)

Callie: there's no need. Mark's with him. They need privacy (Owen giggles)

Owen: Sloan is just after the prize

Arizona: what prize?

Owen: our prize… Sheperd will give the bonus (the three women stand up and go sitting with Derek and Mark, Owen look at them bewildered. Callie gives Derek a pat on the shoulder and sits)

Callie: hi Sheperd. Good to have you back!

Teddy: we missed you

Arizona: really missed you (she gives him a sweet smile and Derek looks thoughtful)

Derek: thank you (all of them go on eating. Callie breaths out dramatically)

Mark: what?

Callie: nothing. I had a case this morning. A boy. He needed a reconstructive surgery urgently but I can't do it.

Arizona: why not?

Callie: we'd need an artificial limb to harvest and I have to ask Mont Sinai the results of the tests I took this morning. It will take a week. And in the while he could lose the use of the leg. If I just had my laboratory… (Derek looks up at her)

Arizona: everyone needs something. Take me… (Mark smiles)

Mark: take her (Callie gives him a deathly glare)

Arizona: I'd need a newincubator upstairs. This morning I had to move a patient to Portland as we hadn't enough space.

Teddy: welcome to my world.

Mark: enough with the tears, girls. He doesn't need that (he takes his glass and raises it). Do you want to toast to something in particular? (Derek looks at him and then takes his glass)

Derek: to the hospital. It's good to see something doesn't change (the others smile shyly). People don't change…

* * *

Alex, Cristina and Meredith are sitting at the cafeteria eating. Cristina is chewing her salad while Meredith is eating fish and chips. Yang look at the attendings' table.

Cristina: we are missing the party

Alex: what party?

Cristina: Derek's welcome back

Meredith: or Owen's happy marriage (Alex chokes on his drink. Meredith giggles)

Alex: Hunt's what? (he looks at Cristina) Are the two of you getting married?

Cristina: why do you ask it like that?

Alex: like what?

Cristina: like you don't think I could get married (she smiles). Actually I am. And you (she looks at Meredith) stop eating that crap (she pulls her plate away)

Meredith: hey… I hadn't finished yet (she tries to take it back but Cristina hits her hand). Ouch!

Cristina: You have finished (she starts eating the content herself). Take this (she pushes her plate and salad towards Meredith) it's healthier and it will help you fitting the dress.

Meredith: I'm gonna fit in your stupid dress.

Cristina: not if you keep fattening like that (she looks her up and down). I don't want to buy you a paper bag (Alex bursts out laughing)

Meredith: I am not… How do you dare?

Cristina: listen Mer, I'm your friend right? I'm your person. And I'm not blind like Derek. I haven't little love hearts obstructing my optical nerve. You doubled. You ate my friend. And I want her back. I want tiny Meredith back. I don't want big Grey.

Meredith: I'm just so hungry

Cristina: eat the salad (she points to the plate). It's magic (Meredith takes a bite of salad and chews it, Cristina takes a chip and settles it into her mouth)

* * *

Derek sits in front of Richard's desk and leans the dossier on the table.

Richard: so?

Derek: they tried to buy my vote (Richard laughs)

Richard: who did flatter you better?

Derek: it's too sickening to say.

Richard: but the winner is…

Derek: I don't know yet. To tell the truth there's neuro memo missing (Richard looks up)

Richard: I told Brad to deliver it within midday.

Derek: apparently he didn't. Maybe he's still working on it. The light is on in his office.

Richard: go and take it

Derek: I'm sorry?

Richard: go and take the report. We can't wait anymore. And you can meet him.

Derek: finally (he stands up and leaves Richard's office. He crosses the catwalk and finds himself in front of his old office. The door is open and he knocks entering. His stare locks with the man sitting behind his former desk. Derek can't help but noticing all his stuff is gone. Dr. Brad doesn't even look up)

Brad: yes?

Derek: I'm here to take your dossier about resources and requests

Brad: I'm not done yet

Derek: I'm sorry but you are (Brad looks up). We can't wait any longer (he gets closer to the table and stretches his hand). Derek Sheperd (Brad looks surprised)

Brad: oh… (he takes the hand without standing up) Nice to meet you. Dr. Webber told me you'd been flying around

Derek: flying around? (he giggles) Nice way to say it (he feels the doctor's eyes on him). So… you're from New York…

Brad: Boston to be true. I have just been working in New York for three years.

Derek: which hospital?

Brad: Mont Sinai

Derek: the world is small. I worked there too.

Brad: I know. The world is really small.

Derek: and how is Peter doing?

Brad: who?

Derek: Peter… Peter Fletcher. The chief.

Brad: oh… the old man (Derek feels a hint of irony in Brad's voice). He retired to buy the farm. Definitely if you know what I mean.

Derek: no, I don't know what you mean. He called me last Christmas for greetings and he didn't tell me anything about retiring.

Brad: that's because he didn't know. He found out he had a glioma two months ago. He just wanted to spend some time with his wife, Anna

Derek: Amy

Brad: whatever (he writes on a document and then handles it to Derek). Will you give it to Webber for me, please? (Derek takes it and lingers a moment to look into the new doctor's eyes)

Derek: of course. I'm gonna be here for now on.

Brad: I know. I'll let you know if I need something (his pager beeps and he looks at it) Work calls (he stands up and walks to the door). The room will be free within tonight. Have a nice day (he leaves, Derek stays there)

* * *

Teddy is running up the stairs. She is one rump up when Owen calls her.

Owen: Teddy! (she stops and turns around)

Teddy: hey (she is lightly out of breath, Owen joins her)

Owen: 911?

Teddy: no. I was thinking and I started to run. Without even knowing it (Owen smiles) What can I do for you? (Owen looks embarrassed and keeps silent)

Owen: nothing…

Teddy: oh (she looks surprised and gestures upstairs) I go…

Owen: no… (he breaths out) I have something to tell you

Teddy: ok…

Owen: I asked Cristina to marry me (Teddy's eyes narrow) And she said yes (Teddy keeps silent for some second and then hugs him)

Teddy: I'm very happy for you (Owen looks surprised)

Owen: really?

Teddy: of course. We deserve it. You deserve it (she lets him go) I was afraid Cristina would have let you wait forever. Does your mum already know?

Owen. Not yet. It's something we decided recently. Really recently… like in this morning

Teddy: wow… I'd like to be a butterfly to see her reaction. She'll drop dead….well… not that dead, I mean…

Owen: I know what you mean (they giggle) You'll better be in the nearness when I tell her.

Teddy: just let me know when and where. There I'll be.

Owen: I knew I could count on you (her pager beeps and she takes it)

Teddy: well… I go (she turns around and goes upstairs looking high)

* * *

Meredith and Brad are in a conference room. They are studying the patient's scans.

Brad: so… is everything clear, doctor Grey?

Meredith: of course. He cut the dura, open the skull and take the tumor out.

Brad: it sounds easy

Meredith: it sounds… but it's horribly difficult (Brad looks at his clock)

Brad: where the hell is dr. Nelson? He was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago…

Meredith: I saw him running to the ER (Brad giggles and Meredith looks at him)

Brad: running? (Meredith shrugs) I didn't think him capable of such an effort. Rolling… that could be more possible and suitable (Meredith looks at him bewildered) Come on doctor Grey… don't make that innocent face… Don't tell me you and your friends have never joked about him…

Meredith: doctor Brad… what my friends and I do during our spare time has nothing to do with how we behave during working hours. I respect dr. Nelson. We all respect dr. Nelson.

Brad: Shadow Sheperd…

Meredith: excuse me?

Brad: that's how you call him, right?

Meredith: nurses call him like this (Brad looks at her waiting) … and we do too…. (she rambles) sometimes…

Brad: I suspected that… And what about me?

Meredith: what do you mean?

Brad: every attending has a Mc name here… Mine is… (Meredith blushes) Oh come on… that bad? (Meredith makes an embarrassed face)

Meredith: McSneaky (there's a moment of silence and then Greg starts laughing. Meredith looks surprised) Are you mad?

Brad: for that? No, really. I'm new, you don't know me. My mum always says I look arrogant. So… no offence.

Meredith: good.

Brad: may I hope the committee will reunite in some week to take into consideration to change it into something more comfortable?

Meredith: you can hope… hope is free…

Brad: right (silence falls in the room and Meredith's stomach rumors. She blushes again and Brad looks at her) Haven't you eaten dr. Grey?

Meredith: I did. Apparently not enough. Cristina got me to eat salad and I could kill for a steak now.

Brad: let's go together…

Meredith: where?

Brad: to eat a steak… (Meredith opens her mouth to speak and then closes it. She smiles)

Meredith: I can't

Brad: why? Don't tell me you consider it not appropriate…

Meredith: no… it's not that. I mean… it's even that but… I have to go home.

Brad: it will take just half an hour. We can know each other and you can set questions to change my name (Meredith doesn't answer) I'm alone in town, I don't know anyone. I'm not trying to pick you up, I swear (Meredith is hesitant, she looks at her clock)

Meredith: ok. But let's be quick.

Brad: see you in the lobby at seven?

Meredith: ok (he takes the scans off the wall and gives them to Meredith)

Brad: see you later

* * *

Mark enters Webber's office with Karev and a chart under his elbow.

Mark: I got it (Richard looks up and then gestures him to come closer)

Webber: good… sit . I've just received an enquiry from the hospital. They asked me a copy of the chart (Mark handles him everything)

Alex: why? They had to do the pre-ops. Whatever is on there doesn't count.

Mark: it counts instead…

Alex: Why? (Mark waits for Webber to answer but Richard keeps silent)

Richard: tell him, doctor Sloan. He is your resident.

Mark: right… It counts as if the lawyer can prove Mrs. Watts had these problems even before, the hospital did a huge mistake.

Alex: and this will cost them a load of bucks.

Mark: definitely. What the lawyer does not know is that I wrote on Mrs. Watts's letter of discharge a strong advice against using that crap ever again. And I wrote why SG refused her surgery.

Alex: I guess that buddy won't be happy about that…

Mark: I just don't understand how they didn't find her medical history in the system.

Richard: maybe they didn't check.

Alex: maybe she flattered someone to have her surgery.

Mark: of course she did (he rakes a hand through his hair). Damn it…

Richard: what?

Mark: I didn't think this could end like that…

Richard: you think patients love their life and won't do anything dangerous. But people is not that responsible sometimes.

Mark: it's not that. What I diagnosed Mrs. Walsh was true… it was a real problem. But I'd have never thought she could strike out on the table.

Richard: what do you mean?

Mark: I was afraid she could have an infection or a bleeding. Not a stroke.

Richard: we don't know exactly what happened. Out of professional curiosity, I'll ask to have her chart too. It's really possible they'll ask you a private consult (he takes a paper from the dossier) There's the name of the person in charge of the survey (he gives it to Mark who swallows reading the name)… Have Patricia make a copy of it…

Mark: ok

Richard: I'll let you know when the papers are here. You can go (Alex stands up but Mark keeps sitting). Do you need anything else, dr. Sloan?

Mark: is this thing going to influence plastic position for the money?

Richard: excuse me?

Mark: you know… I've prospected a really high tech instrument for plastic treatments. I don't want this burden to drag me down.

Richard: this was not your mistake. If we'll choose another option, it won't be for this tragedy.

Mark: good to know (he stands up and leaves)

* * *

Derek is sitting on Dr. Wyatt's couch. She enters her office and smiles at him.

Wyatt: I'm sorry. I'm late.

Derek: no problem. Usually your patients are late (his cell beeps and he takes it) Sorry (he reads the display and smiles, then puts it in his pocket. Dr. Wyatt sits behind her desk)

Wyatt: so, how is your first day going?

Derek: fine. I have read a lot of papers and nothing else, but good.

Wyatt: how was it to see your colleges and friends?

Derek: good. They are still the same… Ambitious and ready to anything to get where they want.

Wyatt: did you meet even your alter ego?

Derek: yeah… I did

Wyatt: and how did it go? (he shrugs)

Derek: I tried to make some kind of conversation but he dropped it.

Wyatt: do you feel threatened by his presence?

Derek: no… why should I? I hope he won't try to kill me

Wyatt. I didn't mean in that way. Do you think he could be a valid enemy on the path to get your position back?

Derek: I don't know. I don't know him, I've never heard his name so… I don't think so.

Wyatt: but you don't like him…

Derek: I… (he smiles) how is it that you understand everything without I say it?

Wyatt: that's my job. That's why you give me 200 $ a hour… As I'm good… So?

Derek: It's not that I don't like him. We have talked like three minutes. But I have a strange feeling about him. He looks competitive and… I don't know.

Wyatt: mmm (she looks at him and Derek diverts his eyes) You look to smart to judge a person on a two minutes conversation.

Derek: usually I am. Maybe it's just because he gave me a bad news… Maybe it was the way it said that thing to me… I don't know.

Wyatt: what's this thing?

Derek: a friend of mine… my former boss… and his too… is sick. He left his work as he's probably going to die and… (he lifts his hands) I didn't know. Anyone told me…

Wyatt: maybe they didn't want to give you another worry

Derek: probably. But the fact is that I could save him… maybe. His illness… is the object of our trial

Wyatt: your's and Meredith's?

Derek: yes. How do you know it? (Derek and dr. Wyatt look at each other for some moment. Dr. Wyatt look doubtful)

Wyatt: I heard it in the corridors probably. The two of you became very famous.

Derek: or maybe it was Mer who told you. She was in therapy in that period…

Wyatt: you know it… (he breaths out)

Derek: she told me recently (he strokes his cheeks)

Wyatt: does it bother you?

Derek: it bothers me I got her in therapy. That was… my fault.

Wyatt: obviously I can report you the content of her sessions, but she never told me she considered you responsible of that.

Derek: but I am. We fought and I started dating another woman. I just…

Wyatt: made a mistake. Like people always do. And I know for sure she had a great part in that. But it's stupid to look back. What is done is done. Now you're happy and everything you went through was worth. And this allows us to focus on your present. And your shiny trial you wouldn't talk me about (Derek giggles)

Derek: it was a great success. Unexpected. We did it when I thought everything was gone. We got our hopes up every time and all these people died and kept dying. And then… the one time I was sure I was going to execute someone… she survived. And I became the genius.

Wyatt: it's really thin… the space between success and failure, between genius and idiot. It's details which make the difference. And not anyone is able to see them. Not anyone is willing to risk. You are. I read a lot of stuff about you. You're a doctor who tries the impossible.

Derek: someone says impossible is nothing…

Wyatt: that is a good advertising… But the question is: will you do that phone call? (she stands up and goes to the door). Your time is over today, I have a meeting in ten minutes down town. See you next time (she goes out and Derek stays there, sitting on the couch. He takes a look to the aquarium. Fishes are swimming through the bubbles. He takes his phone and looks at it. He dials a number breathing out. He takes the cell to his ear)

Derek: Amy… it's Derek… Derek Sheperd.

* * *

Cristina enters the locker room and finds Meredith changing into her street clothes. She is swearing her coat.

Cristina: hey… are you leaving?

Meredith: yes, I'm done.

Cristina: do you want to come with me to Joe's? (Meredith looks embarrassed)

Meredith: no… no… I have… I go out for dinner

Cristina: ok (she looks at her suspiciously). Mc Problems?

Meredith: no (she closes her locker)

Cristina: Mc Secrets….

Meredith: there's no secret Cristina (she turns around and looks at her, she breaths out). Promise you'll keep your big mouth shut.

Cristina: like always. What's on?

Meredith: dr. Brad invited me out for dinner

Cristina: jackass… Sheperd will turn green when he's going to know (she takes her shoes out of the locker and sits on the bench). Are you going to tell him tonight? (she looks up and reads Mer's uneasiness). Oh my God… you said yes!

Meredith: I did.

Cristina: shit Meredith! Are you crazy?

Meredith: why? It's just a dinner to know each other.

Cristina: and why do you need to know each other?

Meredith: as we work together?

Cristina: people work together all day without sitting at the same table. He's trying to get into your pants.

Meredith: he's not. He's just alone and wants to visit the city. That's all. And Derek won't be home till 21 or 22.

Cristina: so you're going to hide it?

Meredith: of course I'm not. It's something innocent, Cristina. I don't have anything to hide. Besides, Brad knows I'm married and I guess he can see I'm badly pregnant. What do you think he'll do?

Cristina: peel your dress off with his eyes like he always does.

Meredith: you're more paranoid than Derek, you know that?

Cristina: and you're numb. The only reason I let you go is that he won't be so stupid to try anything on the first date.

Meredith: it's not a date! (she hisses narrowing her eyes while Alex enters the room)

Alex: who is on a date? (he looks between the two girls). Oh… dove Meredith and dove Sheperd. Good… I'll have the tv all for me tonight.

Meredith: I have to go (she goes to the door)

Cristina: keep your eyes open and your legs closed (Meredith breaths out)

Alex. It's a little bit late for that…

Cristina: it's never late.

* * *

Bailey is writing on a chart at the nurse station. Avery arrives smiling.

Avery: I've just picked Mrs. Beckett's results up. She's fine.

Bailey: good. You can let her go then.

Avery: today? (Bailey looks up at him for the first time, annoyed)

Bailey: have you ever seen a patient leaving the hospital the day after the surgery?

Avery: no, sir

Bailey: so what kind of question is that? (Avery looks down) She's going to stay till Friday as we talked this morning.

Avery: of course.

Bailey: look at me (Jackson looks up). The fact that you all became residents does not mean you have to forget everything you've learnt in the previous years. You have to grow not to regress. Unless your head is so little that you have to move old things to make place for the new ones (she goes back to her chart and Avery keeps silent). So… is your head a nut or were you just excited?

Avery: I guess I was more happy for Mrs. Beckett.

Bailey: I hope so (she handles the chart to him). I know so. Go and tell them. See you tomorrow, dr. Avery (he leaves and Owen arrives behind her back smiling)

Owen: you scrambled him (he sets his chart on the desk and starts writing)

Bailey: he needs it. They all need to be kept in line. Too many cuddles are not good for these kids.

Owen: you are right (he keeps smiling writing)

Bailey: and with you and Sheperd who spoil your wives, it's up to me to keep the balance.

Owen: excuse me?

Bailey: you got it, dr. Hunt. You're getting married. And I'm happy for you.

Owen: thank you

Bailey: but, for the pars conditio, I'm going to set fire hoops even in front of you. And of Young if you give her advantages.

Owen: she is not my resident…

Bailey: like you care of these details (Meredith arrives behind her)

Meredith: dr. Bailey… (Miranda doesn't turn around)

Bailey: you see? She's not my resident but she is going to ask my help. That's what I mean. Move (Owen goes away and Miranda looks at Meredith, she is surprised to see her in street clothes). Yeah?

Meredith: I'm sorry to bother you but I wanted to know if Derek asked you to visit him today

Bailey: no. But since he didn't, I'm going to drag him to the CT tomorrow morning. I've already booked it.

Meredith: good, thank you (she breaths out, relieved)

Bailey: is he not fine?

Meredith: he is… and he is not.

Bailey: well, that's clear now Grey. What do you mean?

Meredith: he's still in pain. He's covered in bruises and breaths heavily. I know what he comes from but…

Bailey: you want me to keep him in line. And prevent him to do stupid things.

Meredith: more or less.

Bailey: I'll see what I can do.

Meredith: thank you (she smiles and turns to leave)

Bailey: and Grey… (Meredith turns around and Miranda takes a full look on her)

Meredith: yes?

Bailey: don't rub him too much. He should not do any kind of effort by now. I think you know what I mean.

Meredith: ok (Bailey leaves and Meredith goes to the door)

* * *

Derek is leaning on the catwalk. He is looking downstairs thoughtful. Mark approaches him.

Mark: fuck (he leans to the rail too)

Derek: you too

Mark: I didn't mean you.

Derek: I take it back then (he looks at him). I've heard about what's happening. I'm sorry.

Mark: you don't have to be. I won't have any problem for Mrs. Walsh. Any but this (he handles him a paper and Derek reads it)

Derek: Melinda Cole became an internal auditor? Did you know that?

Mark: no

Derek: So what's the matter? You did nothing wrong and she knows you (Derek looks at Mark but Sloan keeps avoiding his stare). She knows you, that's the problem. Isn't it? You've never told me why she cut you off. I mean… I have some suspect but… nothing for sure

Mark: she's going to ruin my life

Derek: come on Mark. A lot of water run under the bridge. It's been years.

Mark: she didn't forget.

Derek: what? (Mark swallows and Derek giggles) Come on… that bad? You can't even tell me?

Mark: it's too embarrassing to be told (Derek laughs)

Derek: it's Karma, Markie. You seeded crap and the crap is coming back.

Mark: this time I don't deserve it. I don't deserve Melinda to come here and mess my life with Lexie right now.

Derek: maybe she won't mention anything. We have to be optimistic (they both look down)

Mark: you're really cheerful considering someone have just stolen your woman

Derek: who?

Mark: Meredith… your wife. I've just met her and Greg Brad going out together (Derek looks down, a frown on his face) You didn't know it?

Derek: what should I know? Probably they just met on the way out (he looks at his clock)

Mark: I'm sorry to tell you he was waiting for her (Derek looks at him and Mark swallows). But I can have misunderstood…

Derek: I'll ask her (the man in Richard's office goes out). I have more important things to do now (he goes towards the office)

Mark: remember I'm your friend, brother

Derek: wife screwer (Derek's back disappears in Webber's office)

* * *

_There are so many things to be ready about…_

_Unexpected visits_

* * *

(Mark is sitting on a chair, the paper Richard gave him on his knees, Melinda's name in evidence)

* * *

_Coming questions_

* * *

Lexie joins him near the exit and sits on a chair beside him.

Lexie: God… I really need a shower

Mark: you want to take it here? I can't wait for you (she smiles and plays with his hair)

Lexie: no. I was more thinking of a shower with you (he smiles and she kisses him) just to let you forget the bad things which happened yesterday (she kisses him again) and will happen tomorrow (she pulls back and takes the paper in her hands). An auditor… that's really bad

Mark: not for us. I have nothing to fear.

Lexie: I know. But this woman won't come from New York to see the Space Needle.

Mark: I guess not (he is looking at her while she keeps reading)

Lexie: her curriculum is awesome. It says she worked at Mont Sinai. Do you know her?

Mark: yes, I do know her (Lexie is impressed by his tone and looks at him. Mark is really serious)

Lexie: what… what does that mean?

Mark: nothing. That we know each other.

Lexie: I got that. It's the way you say it that is uncomfortable.

Mark: it's in the past, Lexie.

Lexie: but it still bothers you

Mark: more or less.

Lexie. Who the hell is she? The love of your life you'll never forget?

Mark: no (he laughs and kisses her on the cheek), definitely not. You are the love of my life. She's just I woman I knew and who is going to drive me crazy for old stories.

Lexie: so I don't have to be jealous?

Mark: no way

Lexie: why does she hate you then?

Mark: I can't tell you (Lexie's face hardens) Just trust me, ok?

Lexie: ok

Mark: steamy shower?

Lexie: yes, Mc Steamy (Mark takes her hand and they go out together)

* * *

_Annunciations_

* * *

Owen parks his car and Cristina looks out the window.

Cristina: what the hell are we doing here? I thought we were going to some fancy restaurant to eat and toast!

Owen: we are. Later. Now I just wanted to say it to my mum.

Cristina: oh come on… is it really necessary?

Owen: it is. And we are going to fly to Los Angeles to say it to your mum too soon.

Cristina: no way (Owen takes something from his pocket and waves it in front of Cristina. She catches his wrist and recognizes two plane tickets) You're kidding me…

Owen: no. I'm not. I've promised to take care of everything and this is the most important thing. My family will be happy and yours too. I want to tell them personally, I want to shout it personally.

Cristina: my family is a bunch of gossip aunts who are still talking about my was-to-be marriage two years ago.

Owen: it's time to give them something else to discuss about, don't you think? (he smiles and opens the car door)

* * *

_Challenges_

* * *

Webber: I've tried in every way to bring him here, Derek. He won't hear any reason.

Derek: maybe he will now.

Webber: what do you mean?

Derek: Amy told me they're in San Francisco to visit their son now. He is going to announce a child. Maybe this will wake hum up.

Webber: even if he accepts to stop here, what do you think you'll do?

Derek: I don't know. I just want to know if he's really a goner. I want to take a look to the papers and scans.

Webber: his glioma is different from those you treated in your trial

Derek: I know. From what Amy told me, I know. But we could take a look and see if we can apply the same method.

Webber: I hope you can. And I'm happy you could convince his wife to come here. I'm sorry I didn't tell you first. How did you get to know?

Derek: Brad. He made a sharp comment.

Webber: I'm sorry

Derek: can I ask you something as a friend?

Webber: of course

Derek: what the hell were you thinking when you hired him?

Webber: his references are good

Derek: but he's an awful person. I'm really surprised he didn't stay in New York to vulture on Peter. Everything he says is harsh and critical. He doesn't show any respect for people and co workers. Have you read his report?

Richard: not yet

Derek: he basically assumes Nelson is an idiot and the department is going to implode.

Richard: your absence is really hard to compensate, Derek

Derek: this doesn't imply what he writes here.

Richard: maybe he just wanted to impress me. Don't forget that the position is vacant by now. He is playing his cards to become the new chief of neuro.

Derek: good luck with that

Richard: why don't we put an end to it and you go back to your place? (Derek looks at him without speaking. Someone knocks to the door and Miranda comes in)

Bailey: you paged, sir?

Richard: yes, sit down (Bailey sits near Derek, she scans his figure) Please Derek…

Derek: we have decided to assign the prize to your department (she jumps on her feet and hugs him. Richard giggles). Dr. Bailey, please… (his tone is amused) keep control please. This is an official meeting (Miranda let go of him and sits back into her chair)

Bailey: I'm sorry.

Richard: It's good to see you're happy

Bailey: I've been waiting for this from an year.

Richard: and now our department will have it. Congratulations.

Bailey: thank you, all of you (her pager beeps and she stands up)

Richard: I'll let you know tomorrow the time and terms of everything. Let's say… (he checks his schedule) at 9?

Bailey: no, I can't (a frown appears on Webber's forehead. He checks the schedule again)

Richard: but you're free (Derek follows the dialogue amused)

Bailey: I'm not. I have to visit him (Derek stops smiling)

Derek: excuse me?

Bailey: did you develop even hearing problems?

Derek: I'm fine

Bailey: we'll see it.

Derek: Miranda… (she gets closer and grabs his sides, a grimace appears on Derek's face. Richard stands up)

Richard: Miranda? (she lets Derek who is panting and pale)

Bailey: I'm sorry, sir. I just wanted to show to my patient that, even if he left my hospital, he can't give me bullshit. He needs treatments and further exams. So no… I'm not available tomorrow at 9 (Richard sits back. He looks at Derek)

Richard: are you ok with that? (he nods still panting)

Bailey: good. And I recommend you to rest and put bandages on at sleep. You shouldn't be in so much pain after two months (she goes out and Richard looks at Sheperd)

Richard: I'm sorry, Derek. I have underestimated your pain situation.

Derek: me too. I guess Meredith sent her after me (he stands up slowly). I go before she comes back to squeeze me again (Richard smiles and Derek leaves)

* * *

_Tentations_

* * *

Meredith and Brad are eating in a really fancy restaurant.

Brad: so, despite all the rain and the weather I really like it here

Meredith: well, it's good. And surprising. Seattle is so different from New York

Brad: yes, it is. It looks like a countryside city. Buildings are short, people is relaxed (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: you say that as you haven't taken the high way on Saturday…

Brad: indeed. And I read there are two meaningful museums to visit.

Meredith: I don't know. I'm not a cultural person.

Brad: really? I thought you were the good student… good girl type (Meredith laughs)

Meredith: I wasn't. More like pink hair festive girl

Brad: festive?

Meredith: that was before this (she points to her belly). Now I'm married and focused on work.

Brad: that's good. I'm focused too. And I usually get what I want (he drinks a glass of wine)

* * *

_The wheel turns._

_And it's evening again._

_And despite all that you lived along the day, you just wish to be home._

* * *

Derek enters the house. The kitchen is dark and he takes a glance of Alex sitting on the couch eating pizza. He goes upstairs in his room and starts to take his clothes off.

* * *

_With the person you love_

* * *

Meredith enters the room, she smiles brightly seeing Derek sitting on the bed taking off his shirt.

Meredith: hey (She gets closer and sits too. They kiss and when they part Derek licks his lips)

Derek: uhm…. You taste good…

Meredith: red wine

Derek: mm (he kisses her again, deeper). You intoxicate me (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: sorry I wasn't home when you arrived.

Derek: no matter. You're here now. How did your dinner go? (he pulls his watch off looking at the night stand and a frown appears on Mer's face)

Meredith: good. I was with dr. Brad… He offered me a steak.

Derek: nice of him (he keeps doing stuff, setting things on the night stand and avoiding her eyes)

Meredith: are you mad? (he turns to look at her)

Derek: no. I don't like him. But it's your boss so it's normal you sometimes eat together.

Meredith: are you kidding me or… (he kisses her shutting her up)

Derek: Mer… it's fine. Just don't make this an habit, ok?

Meredith: what? Kissing you? (Derek smiles and pushes her on the bed. He rolls on her)

Derek: I'm all for the kissing (he sets kisses on her face, she smiles up to him. She closes her legs around his sides but when Derek moves a moan escapes his lips and he grimaces in pain. He falls on his back covering his eyes with a hand. Meredith is sitting looking at him worried)

Meredith: what's up? (he pants not answering) Derek… (she tries to move his arm to see his face)

Derek: it's gone, I'm fine (he is breathing through his mouth. Meredith touches his abdomen)

Meredith: let me take a look

Derek: I'm fine, Mer (he stops her hands). And tomorrow Bailey will check on me. You don't need to worry (she lies on the bed next to him, leaning her head into his neck. Derek closes an arm around his shoulders)

Meredith: I like to worry about you (she kisses his cheek)

Derek: and I like that you worry. Just stop kissing me like that as I'm afraid I couldn't fulfill my marital duties tonight.

Meredith: I'm not kissing you as I want something. I just want you to hold me.

Derek: ok (he kisses her forehead). Good night.

Meredith: good night

* * *

_So you don't care that darkness overcomes everything._

_You feel safe._

_Till a new day begins._

_And everything starts again._

_And then ends again._

_And then starts…_

_On and on_


	28. SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK

Hey! You called for me and here I am. I hope you are still interested in my fic. I'm considering to bond it to the real Grey's (that's to say to make a connection to what is really happening now on the show. But I'm readsy to get suggestions if you want... Let me know if you have ideas you want me to write about).

At the moment, I'm going to mess up with MerDer a little. ..

* * *

_Sometimes they can back_

* * *

_No, it's not the title of some random horror film._

_It's what I learnt in these first 30 years of life._

_You go on, you build new things, you meet new people._

_But old ghosts just jump out of your closet when you wouldn't expect._

_It's like driving in circles._

* * *

Mark and Derek are leaning on the catwalk looking at the main hall. They're staring at Webber, waiting in front of the main door. Suddenly a small smile paints his lips and he shakes hand with a tall, good looking woman.

Derek: there she is… I have to say time was nice to her…

Mark: not to me

Derek: why? (he turns around to look at his friend, whose face is sad) You're still in shape, you don't have wrinkles… unless you didn't perform a surgery on yourself… you're good.

Mark: I wasn't thinking about that… I know I'm an alive advertising for natural beauty…

Derek: how humble…

Mark: I just didn't think to meet her ever again (he follows Webber and the woman going up the stairs towards her)

Derek: it seems it's going to happen soon (they straighten up), don't make that face… you're not going to the scaffold

Mark: are you sure about that? She's going to squeeze my balls.

Derek: we're going to have fun then (he smiles seeing the two doctors coming closer)

Webber: so… I guess you remember dr. Sheperd and Sloan…

Melinda: how couldn't I? (she looks at Derek smiling brightly) Look at you… You look even better than I remembered (she hugs him tightly)

Derek: It's my pleasure too… I didn't know you stopped practicing.

Melinda: I wanted to travel, to see new places. And admiring careers from a corner… Yours is breathtaking…

Derek: you're too nice…

Melinda: and you're too humble (Mark clears his throat as the woman has ignored him). Well… we'll talk later… Could you bring me to my office please, dr. Webber? I'd like to clean up before start hearing people out

Webber: of course (he looks embarrassed to Mark). Let's go (Derek and Melinda share another smile. Webber brings her away)

Mark: people… she treated me like I was a ghost…

Derek: you really did something awful to her

Mark: like hell I'm going to tell you (Derek pats Mark's shoulder and they part)

* * *

Bailey is filling a chart at the nurses station. She closes one and pushes it on the desk, she starts writing on another. A hand takes the chart and opens it.

Woman: your writing has not improved… Do you know that? (Miranda stops writing and looks up ashamed to see Addison in front of her)

Bailey: oh my God! Look who is here! (she sets the chart down and hugs her). What are you doing here?

Addison: I had a convention in Portland… have actually a convention tomorrow in Portland. And I've decided to come here and take a look at you all (she looks around and her glare sets on Miranda's budge). Seattle Grace Mercy West… long name…

Bailey: it's just for diplomacy we keep that name. Almost all Westerns are gone, they didn't survive our competition and skills.

Addison: and the sweet welcome you surely gave them (a frown appears on her face when she notices the title above Miranda's name). Head of General surgery? (her voice is pitched in surprise, Bailey looks at her)

Bailey: what? Don't you think I'm not worth it?

Addison: of course not… (Miranda looks at her stunned, she raises her hands realizing the mistake in her sentence)… well yes, excuse me…

Bailey: so is it yes or no?

Addison: yes, yes, a big yes. I just thought Richard was still here…

Bailey: he is. But his path of guiltiness brought him to step down even from head of general.

Addison: path of guiltiness? (she raises a brow) For the merger? (Bailey puts the pen in the front pocket of her labcoat and looks up at her)

Bailey: for Derek. Anyway… he'll tell you everything (her pager beeps). See you later?

Addison: sure

* * *

Meredith is adjusting her hair into a pony tail walking down a corridor. Cristina comes out from a supply closet and they meet.

Meredith: hey

Cristina: good morning. I thought your shift started at 6…

Meredith: it had. But Dr. Brad let me in two hours later. Our surgery is in the afternoon.

Cristina: he is already giving you privileges …

Meredith: he is not (her answer comes out an hiss). As I'm going to stay in the OR till late, he just shifted my schedule (Cristina shrugs)

Cristina: how did the dinner go?

Meredith: fine. It was just embarrassing.

Cristina: you turned him down?

Meredith: no. I didn't need that. He didn't do anything to jump me. It was just odd to have dinner with a man who is not Derek. You know… I've never been the girl who boys took into a restaurant. You wanted a quickie… there I was. But the conversation… I've never done that…

Cristina: so you'd rather him jump you on the table? (she giggles and Meredith rolls her eyes)

Meredith: why do I waste my time talking with you? I'm not the screwing girl anymore (she lowers her voice seeing a doctor and a nurse staring at her). I'm building up my reputation. I'm a reliable wife. And a professional doctor who can have dinner with a college without ending up naked and in random beds (Cristina lifts her arms in surrender)

Cristina: ok. I was just checking on you

Meredith: what do you mean?

Cristina: checking if you're still a bitch. I don't want bitches walking me down the aisle.

Meredith: so… did I pass the bride's exam?

Cristina: yes… (she eyes Meredith)

Meredith: what now? (Cristina stops and Meredith makes some step forward before realizing she is walking alone) Cristina?

Cristina: why don't we get married together? (Meredith raises an eyebrow)

Meredith: you and I?

Cristina: no, you idiot. Owen and me… Derek and you (Meredith bursts out laughing but stops realizing she looks serious)

Meredith: wait… are you serious?

Cristina: never mind (she walks away)

Meredith: Cristina…

* * *

Alex arrives at the nurses station and joins Avery and Reed.

Alex: hey… what are you looking at?

Avery: nothing (he blushes)

Reed: he's got the hots for a mysterious woman (Alex smiles writing on his chart)

Avery: I haven't

Alex: you don't need to be ashamed. You're home and work, home and work. Boring… I'd say. It's time you paint your life with something else.

Avery: like you do?

Alex: don't worry about me. I've done enough in the last months. Now I'm enjoying being alone and free (he closes the chart and sets the pen in his pocket). So… (he looks up) who's the target?

Avery: there's no target

Reed: target approaching

Avery: shut up. It's someone I feel I know but I don't remember…

Reed: you will as she's coming right here (she busies herself on the desk and Avery too. Alex turns around smiling and finds himself face to face with Addison)

Alex: Addison?

Addison: here I am (she looks at him smiling and Alex seems to recuperate from the shock. He shakes her hand). You've become polite (Reed laughs and catches Addison' attention). And these are…

Alex: oh.. sorry. Doctor Reed Adamson and Doctor Jackson Avery. They are new residents

Addison: from the Mercy West… I heard (she shakes hand with them). Impressed you survived (her eyes meet Avery's)

Avery: we are hard to die (Addison smiles)

Addison: well… I want to go to look for Derek now. Maybe we can catch up later for lunch?

Alex: sure

Addison: bye

Avery: nice to meet you (she is already walking away and Avery's eyes are fixed on her butt)

Alex: if you don't stop you'll be hard… really (Reed laughs and Avery looks at them)

Avery: what are you jealous she finds me good looking?

Alex: no. As I said… I like my freedom. And I'd walk around her (he takes his chart and walks away)

Reed: you are not thinking to chase her, aren't you?

Avery: she's Sheperd's ex. And Sloan's ex. I don't want to make a mess of my professional life (his pager beeps and he goes away)

* * *

Bailey enters a visit room to find Derek. He is sitting on a chair writing a message with his phone.

Bailey: could you even live without that thing? (she closes the door and Derek closes his phone)

Derek: sorry (he gives her a small smile)

Bailey: your grin won't take you out of troubles forever

Derek: I know. Above all with you. You're unresponsive to my appeal.

Bailey: good luck I am. As now you're going to take that shirt off and lay on that table.

Derek: as you want (he starts unbuttoning the shirt while Bailey writes some notes on his chart)

Bailey: it's been two months today (the turns around to see him sitting on the bench. Derek gets the pity in her eyes)

Derek: it still feels like yesterday (he lays down and she wears gloves. She starts her visit)

Bailey: 1 to 10?

Derek: seven (she touches his right side and a grimace appears on his face). Eight (he looks up at her). What? (she keeps silent). Could you stop the "I'm the doctor and you're the patient" line?

Bailey: no. As I'm the doctor and you're the patient.

Derek: who happens to be a doctor.

Bailey: who signed to go home against any suggestion (Derek breaths out). Stitches seem to have failed here. Abdomen is still tensed. Bruises are still dark and your bones don't look calcified. But we'll see more from CT and X-rays. How is the eating doing?

Derek: not that good.

Bailey: that means?

Derek: my appetite isn't working. And every time I eat I have to swallow some digestive.

Bailey: you know you could suffer chronically of gastritis…

Derek: I know (he giggles)

Bailey: funny?

Derek: no… I was just thinking I've been a healthy nut all my life. Good feeding, no excess. I've refused the pleasures of my mum's cooking for years not to waste my health. Two minutes with Gary Clark… (he pats his thighs breathing out)

Bailey: we'll fix things.

Derek: you can't fix everything.

Bailey: I know (she clears her throat). Do you know that my husband always blames you for his headache? He said that before you stuck your hands in his brain he had never suffered of head ache. Now he has always pills in his bag. And do you know what I tell him?

Derek: no

Bailey: it was not your hands. It was the wind shield. Without your hands his brain would have been useless pulp. Not that it produces better things like it is… but… He's alive.

Derek: I don't want to lessen what you all did for me.

Bailey: I know. So why don't you try to take care of yourself like we do?

* * *

Mark is in a supply closet sharing hot kisses with Lexie.

Lexie: mmm

Mark: what?

Lexie: it's hot in here

Mark: we're doing it hot (he kisses her again, his hands stop on her butt)

Lexie: it's better we stop or I won't be able to stop

Mark: who says we have?

Lexie: I have a surgery in ten minutes.

Mark: they're enough

Lexie: no (she pushes him away). It's not… I don't want to be thinking of you all procedure long.

Mark: it would be good thinking (he gets closer)

Lexie: too good. I'd not be focused. So nothing! (he lifts arms in surrender)

Mark: ok, let's wait to be home tonight

Lexie: good (she kisses him). So… I saw her.

Mark: who?

Lexie: your old friend… She is pretty… and nice. She stopped talking with us at the coffee machine.

Mark: well… apparently she is talking to anyone but me.

Lexie: I thought you met this morning.

Mark: technically we met. Actually she ignored me and was all honey to Derek. Even the chief was in discomfort.

Lexie: I don't understand… She is a professional. How can she mix private to work? And be so emotional? She could just fake not to know you.

Mark: you don't know Melinda. She is strong and determined to get what she wants. She doesn't take no as an answer. And when she does, God helps you.

Lexie: so it was a no which unleashed her blind fury towards you?

Mark: Lexie… you promised not to ask.

Lexie: fine… I go now. Good luck.

* * *

Addison is waiting out of Richard's office, on the catwalk. Finally she hears the door opening and her attention is caught by a woman. A frown appears on her forehead when she recognizes the frame. She gets closer.

Addison: what is this? New York meeting in Seattle?

Melinda: Addi?

Richard: Addison? What are you doing here? Why didn't you call?

Addison: as I'm here just to say hi. Had I called, you'd have prepared me a list of not refusable surgeries (she gets closer and hugs Richard).

Richard: you know me too good. I'm so happy to see you (he smiles breaking the contact)

Addison: and what are you doing here?

Richard: dr. Cole is here to get documentations for a case dr. Sloan treated some week ago (Addison eyes Melinda suspiciously hearing Mark's name, the woman pretends not to notice). The woman died in another hospital as no one cared to check her medical history.

Cole: well… it's a little early to say that. I'm just here to check your doing first. We'll draw conclusions later (her cell dings). Do you excuse me?

Richard: sure

Cole: see you later, Addi? You have tons of things to tell me

Addison: sure (she walks away and they both follow her steps)

Richard: that woman is going to give us troubles. And I guess Mark Sloan is the reason of this (he turns to Addison who avoids hid glare). Addison…

Addison: I'm here for a courtesy visit (he breaths out)

Richard: come with me. We'll talk a bit (he gestures to his office)

Addison: only if you promise you won't try to get me back.

Richard: I've lost any hope by now

Addison: really? (she walks into his office and he closes the door)

Richard: no

* * *

Meredith meets Owen on the stairs. She was walking down and he joins her running. She hears his steps and moves aside.

Meredith: dr. Hunt

Owen: dr. Grey (he stops running and goes down with her). So Cristina told you…

Meredith: she did (she gives him a smile and notices he is waiting her to say else). And I'm happy for the two of you.

Owen: really?

Meredith: really. I am a true person… I always say what I think and… I told you bad things when it was time for it… Now I say I'm happy as she's happy.

Owen: thanks

Meredith: you don't need to thank me

Owen: I do on the contrary. You are the twin twisted sister.

Meredith: I am what? (Owen chuckles)

Owen: it's a name I have minted with Derek

Meredith: so the two of you think you're dating screwed women?

Owen: no. you're just complicated or… like ET and Elliott…

Meredith: you're playing with fire here (she stops and closes her arms on her chest)

Owen: Derek said that but… I mean… it was a good thing. Anyway… you love Cristina and she loves you. She considers your judgment. That's why I thank you.

Meredith: your welcome. Anyway she is freaking out.

Owen: about what?

Meredith: about the marriage, what else? This morning she asked me to arrange a joined ceremony.

Owen: joined like what?

Meredith: like the two of you getting married and me and Derek getting married.

Owen: that would be perfect (Meredith opens her mouth in surprise and Owen gets she is doubtful). But I don't want to intrude in your lives so… I'll just care of my part. It's much… already (his pager beeps). 911… (he runs away and Meredith stays there doubtful)

* * *

Avery and Bailey are waiting for the ambulance which is approaching to the hospital. Reed runs out the door, ready and seconds later Owen arrives too.

Owen: what have we got?

Bailey: another fight between gangs. A pusher was stabbed in the enemy area.

Avery: like we were on war on a battle field.

Reed: we are. Last week in my district a girl was robbed, the thief dragged her for a quarter mile with his car before letting her go. When the police caught him, he was so drugged he didn't remember anything.

Bailey: too easy...

Owen: yeah… but it's like things work right now (the ambulance stops in front of them and Owen approaches the door. He opens it)

Paramedic: man, Richard Connelly, 38. He resisted a rubbery and was rewarded with a knife in the lower left quad. Conscious on the way here. We lost him two minutes ago for the pain I guess (Owen helps him lifting the gurney and they start walking into the ER)

Bailey: vitals?

Paramedic: BP is falling. We gave him morphine (he lifts the gown and the doctors see the knife is still in) and tied him up. He wanted to take it out…

Owen: we'll do it. Thank you, Robin (the paramedic stops and walks back to the ambulance bay). Where?

Bailey: room 4 (they enter the room and Owen and Bailey start to prepare things)

Reed: he is waking up (all the doctors go around the gurney and the man wakes up. He seems groggy but then takes the knife in his hands and tries to pull it out. Owen stops his hand)

Owen: Richard… (the man looks around scared). Richard… can you hear me? (the man nods) I'm dr. Hunt and you're at Seattle Grace. We are taking care of you. Just try to keep quiet, ok?

Richard: take it out, please…

Owen: we will, but you have to wait. We need to check on you first, to check is the blade has severed any vital.

Richard: please….

Owen: I know it hurts but you have to wait (he turns to Reed). Give him 10 mg of morphine, now. Avery…

Avery: yes sir?

Owen: help me flipping him (they take the man and roll him on one side)

Avery: there's no exit on the back

Owen: good. How do we proceed?

Reed: we should take a ct to see the damages

Bailey: Avery?

Avery: I think we should better opening him up. If the blade has severed the bowel, the infection could kill him before we finish the CT.

Owen: you're right, the both of you. Bailey?

Bailey: let's take him in the OR (she avoids looking at the patient and Owen gets unease in her voice)

Owen: ok (he takes the gurney and starts pushing it, Reed and Avery take his place and he waits for Bailey). Are you ok?

Bailey: sure (they go)

Mark is sitting at the cafeteria alone. Callie joins him and sets her tray on the table. She puts a chip in her mouth.

Callie: hey… you ok?

Mark: sure (his eyes wander in the area without setting nowhere)

Callie: Mark…

* * *

Mark: I'm just having a bad day. That's it (Addison has arrived at their table without being noticed)

Addison: maybe I can cheer you up? (both Mark and Callie look at her stunned, she's smiling. Callie jumps on her feet and hugs her tightly). Finally someone who misses me!

Callie: you bet I do! How are you?

Addison: fine. L.A. does great to my nerves (they sit). Seattle makes all of you sad and gloomy.

Mark: I'm not sad and gloomy. It's just that our old friend Melinda Cole is here after my blood.

Addison: I've actually met her. She was kind… to me

Mark: and to Derek too. She only hates me.

Addison: for that old story?

Callie: the old story he won't talk about?

Mark: I won't indeed (he looks at Callie pissed)

Callie: God… you really hurt her (Addison bursts out laughing and Callie looks at her)

Mark: I'm happy to see you find it funny

Addison: I'm sorry… but it is funny. I mean… what are we talking about?

Callie: I really don't know.

Mark: and stop trying to. So… why don't you try to make her reason instead that laughing behind my ass?

Addison: I'll do it. But seriously… how am I supposed to start the conversation? Melinda… I'm sure Mark didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It was just a bad day and he was stressed… so stressed he…

Mark: Addi (he sends her a warning look and she shuts up)

Addison: right… I'm going to finally find Derek. Any idea where can I? (she stands up and sets the chair under the table)

Mark: Bailey kidnapped him for exams this morning.

Addison: ok, thank you and… I'll see what I can do (she turns on her heels and Mark calls her back)

Mark: Addi… (she looks at him) prepare yourself (she nods and goes away. Mark stares at Callie who's smiling silently at him). What?

Callie: nothing. I think I have figured it out.

* * *

Derek is sitting on the gurney. His shirt is still unbuttoned, he is looking at the films on the wall. The door opens and Bailey enters.

Bailey: I'm sorry. I had a surgery and… (she takes his chart) good… I'm here now

Derek: I can see that (Bailey gives him a short look and gets closer)

Bailey: so… the CT confirmed the stitches have failed, here (she points to a scan giving it to Derek). There's no bleeding but we'll need to fix it. I'll schedule a local procedure next week. The rest seems good.

Derek: ok

Bailey: good meaning the ribs have not completely readjusted. You have to avoid efforts, to carry weights and avoid nocturnal activities.

Derek: excuse me?

Bailey: don't make me repeat it (she looks at Derek). I've already known too much of your sexual life for my liking. But, as your doctor, I suggest you to take your time in everything. Bruises won't improve by themselves. You need therapy, you need exercise. You need to be responsible. Great part of your muscles have been severed during surgeries. Do you want me to buy you don't hurt? (Derek looks away). As I thought… You hurt just standing, am I right? (Derek sits on the gurney rubbing his temples). Anyway I asked br. Brad to take a look at your back.

Derek: what? Why?

Bailey: as I'm not a neurosurgeon. I want him to check your reactivity (her pager beeps). Damn it… I have to go back to my patient. He told me he would be here in ten minutes (there's a knock on the door and Addison puts her face in the room. Derek is stunned to see her). I don't let you alone anyway… (she gives him a small smile and leaves. Derek starts to button his shirt but stops when feels Addison's hands on his. He looks up and meets her eyes. Without saying anything she opens the shirt again and looks at his chest. Derek can feel her breath stopping. She looks at him and without saying a word, she hugs him)

* * *

Meredith and dr. Brad are in the OR performing their surgery.

Dr. Brad: damn it…. (the monitors start to beep). What's wrong now?

Meredith: BP's dropping.

Dr. Brad: push 10 of adrenaline in the line

Nurse: yes sir

Dr. Brad: this guy just wants to die… (Meredith looks up at him). What do I do to stop the swelling?

Meredith: let the flap down and irrogate?

Dr. Brad: good… if it's not too late… BP?

Meredith: not improving sir.

Nurse: do I have to push anything else?

Dr. Brad: no. It would be useless (he stops working and Meredith looks up at him)

Meredith: and what do we do then?

Dr. Brad: nothing, dr. Grey.

Meredith: excuse me?

Dr. Brad: the swelling ceased but the heart is not responding. Pressure is too high. We can just wait and see if he overcomes this (he handles her the instruments). Do you want to close Dr. Grey?

Meredith: sure. Thank sir (she takes the instruments and starts to work looking in the microscope)

Dr. Brad: you look disappointed

Meredith: I really hope to save patients when I wheel them into the OR

Dr. Brad: thank God you do… And I do too. But some surgeries have a high mortality rate for a reason. You should know…

Meredith: I know… but… Last time we performed this kind of surgery we succeeded and… I kind of got used to it

Dr. Brad: every surgery is different from the previous one. Didn't your teacher say anything about this? (Meredith looks up sensing anger in his voice)

Meredith: of course he did. And I didn't underestimate the risks of the procedure.

Dr. Brad: but yet you think we'll never fail?

Meredith: I hope not to. Why are you concerned about my expectations anyway?

Dr. Brad: I just want to know who I'm working with.

Meredith: and how does this conversation fit in the picture?

Dr. Brad: it fits. And it's not like I can make interviews of all my stuff. I just talk. Aren't you a chatty person, Dr. Gey? (she giggles)

Meredith: definitely not. I'm more a doer, you know.

Dr. Brad: good… I like active people in my staff (his pager beeps and the nurse handles it to him). Look like my vip patient can't wait. Can you finish by yourself?

Meredith: yes, sir.

Dr. Brad: fine. Take him to the ICU when you're done. We'll see if he'll make it (he walks out of the OR and Meredith hears whispers behind her)

Meredith: any problems?

Nurse: none dr. Grey

Meredith: good

* * *

Lexie, Avery, Reed and Alex are in the cafeteria eating their lunch.

Avery: so I take the retractor to give a better view of the bleeding to Dr. Bailey and… (Reed shrugs and takes a bite of her sandwich)

Reed: and?

Avery: she let me sew the wound instead!

Lexie: what? You cured a bowl laceration by yourself?

Avery: kind of. I didn't think I'd be left so free during the first year. But both Bailey and Webber seem to trust my skill a lot.

Alex: maybe she was just tired (he drinks his coffee)

Reed: she looked more nauseated to me.

Alex: see? She's sick of your skills (the others laugh)

Reed: I didn't mean that. But she looked strange today. Even Hunt kept asking her if she was fine.

Avery: why wouldn't she be?

Reed: I don't know. But… (she lowers her voice so that just them can hear) I heard the nurses talking about her lover today

Lexie: lover? (her voice is high pitched)

Avery: sshhh

Lexie: sorry… lover?

Avery: why are you so surprised? She must have a sentimental life too

Alex: who? Bailey? (he giggles) You really don't know her.

Reed: why?

Alex: even if she had an affair you wouldn't notice. She is too professional to let it come into the light.

Reed: they were saying he works here…

Alex: better. Trust me… nobody alive would know it. Especially the black holes of the hospitals.

Reed: hospital…

Alex: what?

Reed: hospital… You said hospitals…

Alex: and which difference would it make?

Reed: our nurses weren't like this at Mercy. They were private…

Alex: please…

Avery: she is right. The gossip wasn't their favorite sport. Here… You know things even if you don't want.

Lexie: it doesn't look so bad to me. And I've never heard anything I didn't know already from them…

Reed: so how can you stand them talking about you or your family like they do?

Lexie: what… what do you mean? (Reed and Avery share a quick look) What are those looks? Were they gossiping about Mark and me, again?

Avery: no

Lexie: what then? (Reed swallows)

Reed: they were more focused on your sister…(Alex giggles)

Alex: the legend of Meredith and Derek. With Addison here… you know… it's kind of boring…

Reed: they weren't talking about Avery's dream woman (he sends her a deathly glare)

Avery: she is not…

Lexie: what then?

Reed: it looks like the new neuro guy is after her. And she's playing his game like… (Alex sets the cup down violently and Reed stops. Anyone look at him)

Alex: enough! You know what? Next time you hear such things, just tell them to go to hell.

Avery: it's not her fault. We like Meredith.

Alex: why do you find that funny they call her a whore then?

Reed: I don't find it funny. And anyway apparently they weren't the first to call her clearly that.

Lexie: what do you mean?

Alex: she means nothing. She means stupid things which happened years ago and have nothing to do with the person you know.

Reed: and why is she flirting with Greg Brad? (Alex breaths out) I'm not judging her or saying bad things. I'm just reporting you your friend is the object of bad talking. And I think you should tell her before someone gets really hurt (Avery's and Reed's pager beep). I need to go now (they leave)

* * *

Derek is sitting on the gurney and Addison is sitting with him.

Addison: I'm sorry I didn't come before.

Derek: never mind

Addison: it matters instead (they share a quick glance but Derek diverts his eyes). I wanted to come. As soon as your mother called Amy… I wanted to come with her. But then I thought I would be intrusive. And I stayed in LA.

Derek: you were with her? (Derek looks at her swallowing)

Addison: yes. It was a hard blow, Derek (he looks up stroking his cheeks)

Derek: for everyone I guess. All the time they were here… I just couldn't look at any of them in the eyes. And her in particular.

Addison: her sister loves you. And you love her. You should take the plunge and talk about what happened fifteen years ago.

Derek: love is not enough sometimes, Addi. And I'm… I couldn't face her right now (his eyes cast down on his lap)

Addison: you can't even look at me in the eye right now (Derek shakes his head looking away. She stands up and goes in front of him, she shrugs his cheek and she feels him tensing. She forces his face up till their eyes meet. Derek swallows to speak but the door opens suddenly and Dr. Brad makes his way in. Addison takes her hand off Derek's face)

Brad: sorry… I interrupted you

Derek: you didn't interrupt anything. Addison… this is Dr. Brad, he is from New York too. Dr. Brad… this is Addison Montgomery Forbes (they shake hands)

Dr. Brad: your ex wife, I know… The hospital is talking only about her today and… (he takes a full glance of her) now I get why (he smiles taking Derek's chart). So… Dr. Bailey asked me to visit you so (he gestures to the gurney) get that shirt off and lay on the gurney (he turns around to put gloves on and Derek does what asked. He lays face down on the gurney and a soft whimper comes out of Addison's lips when she notices the scar and the bruises on Derek's small back)

Dr. Brad: wow… (Addison looks at him and then goes to the head of the gurney, her hands stroking Derek's hair). Sorry… I thought to find a different situation after all this time

Derek: I hoped too

Dr. Brad: well… now I'm going to test your sensitivity. Tell me if you feel my fingers (he starts pressing on Derek's spine from the half of his back going down. Derek mutters some yes till the doctor arrives over the scar. Despite the touches, Derek is silent) Don't you fell anything here?

Derek: no (Brad takes a scan and waves it in front of his eyes)

Dr. Brad: maybe we should repeat the CT. It could be the hematoma still pressing on the spine.

Derek: Bailey has already done it this morning. It should be ready.

Dr. Brad: oh… ok then. I'll go to pick it up and let you know. You can dress (Derek stands up wincing). At the moment I'd prescribe you a painkiller. You have start working and standing for hours is not a good way to let the hematoma absorb by itself.

Derek: I'm not doing surgeries by now. I stay sit all the time.

Dr. Brad: but it's going to change soon so… (Derek looks at him)

Derek: what do you mean? (Brad shrugs without looking up from his pad)

Dr. Brad: nothing… I've just assumed that with Mrs. Myers and Fletcher outside the door you were coming back earlier. And it's not like Harper Avery is already under your belt.

Derek: what are you talking about? (Brad looks at him, he stops writing)

Dr. Brad: don't tell me the chief hasn't said anything to you…

Derek: about what? (his voice is harsh and Addison looks worried at him)

Dr. Brad: your name was put in the top list this year. You're running for the throne or better… your ass is pretty already on it. I think that's the reason Webber pressed you to come back. He wants to stop the speculations about you being without a contract (Derek rakes a hand through his hair) But I think you still know it. Otherwise, you'd take your position back without procastinating

Addison: excuse me?

Dr. Brad: uhm… temporizing (he raises his hands in an apologetic gesture). I'm not blaming you. You've got a big shot to be flattered and have the moon in your hands. You want to get all you can from this award and being a free duck, you can do it (Derek is shaking his head) I find it smart. Contracts can be shred but, this way, it's even easier and less painful. For your conscience I mean (he closes the chart and looks at Derek who is looking down at his feet now). Just one more thing… (Derek keeps silent and Brad talks looking at him). Out of professional curiosity, is it like we are taught? (Derek looks up at him, a frown on his face). When a knife tickles your spine… it's like we learn on text books? (he folds his arm on his chest and Addison looks bewildered at him) All your body gives out like jelly or… (he stops seeing Derek standing up, a furious look in his eyes)

Derek: I think it's nothing I want to share with you (he storms out of the room and Addison follows him after sending the doctor a deathly glare)

* * *

Mark enters the conference room Melinda Cole is in and shuts the door behind his back. She looks up and her face tenses recognizing him.

Cole: I'm not ready to hear you out, dr. Sloan (she goes back looking at her notes and he sits in front of her)

Mark: I'm sorry but you're going to.

Cole: am I? (she giggles looking at him) How do you dare?

Mark: you've got a nerve, I have to admit it.

Cole: excuse me?

Mark: don't beat your eyelashes at me that way, it doesn't work.

Cole: well… that I know. Only nurses can have their way with you.

Mark: so that's it? You are treating me like crap for what happened in New York?

Cole: I don't even want to remember that accident.

Mark: but you're making me pay for it. Do you have an idea of what is at stake here?

Cole: nothing is on the line. Not anymore. A woman died. And I'm going to make sure you were not focused on something else than her health when you treated her (Mark looks straight at her). Your brunette intern, maybe. The one you kiss in the closets. Years pass but you're still the same.

Mark: I'm not. Lexie is my girlfriend for a long time.

Cole: outstanding… Maybe you just can't keep your fuck rhythm anymore and you had to settle down with only a woman.

Mark: I settled down as I met the love of my life and I really want it to work (she looks at him and giggles. He looks hurt)

Cole: I'm sorry… really. But the love of my life line… it's kind of over abused in your mouth. You said that thing about Addison too. And why is she here by the way? Are you up to a "love of my life" trophy? (he swallows) Forget it… It's not like I want to know (she goes back writing and Mark keeps silent for a while)

Mark: is it proud or frustration that make you so poisonous?

Cole: you'd like me to be frustrated but… (she raises her head) I'm not. I'm a woman in career, I can have whatever I want. Whoever I want. You know… being an internal auditor makes me powerful and feared. I can destroy a doctor with one, only word.

Mark: should I be afraid?

Cole: who knows? Maybe you should, maybe not. I have not decided what to do of you yet.

Mark: you were a wise, capable woman. I really can't believe you're going to ruin me for a stupid thing which happened decades ago.

Cole: that's the problem with you, Mark. You managed your appeal like it was a weapon and nothing was meaningful to you. You were thrilled to chase and to make yours whatever you laid your eyes on. All was light and senseless. You seduced so many women that I guess you remember the half of them. Some were just bitches looking for a rich brat, others wanted to try your skills. And all along the way… you stopped to make a difference between them. But you know what? I wasn't a whore.

Mark: I've never considered you like that

Cole: you didn't even do the effort to consider me (he is about to speak) Save it. I'm going to end this report in an hour. I'll page you and Dr. Webber when I'm done.

* * *

Owen and Bailey are in the Chief's office. They are filling a report. Owen stops writing.

Owen: I think I'm done (he gives the folder to Webber who picks up his glasses and reads it)

Webber: when can we call him out of the woods?

Owen: I don't know. The surgery was smooth but we have to see if we prevented infections (he looks at Bailey prompting her to talk. She looks distracted and is silent. Webber takes his glasses off and looks at her)

Webber: Bailey… (she looks up)

Bailey: sorry sir… did you say anything?

Webber: what's wrong with you?

Bailey: nothing… nothing is wrong with me, chief.

Webber: are you sure? As you haven't been bitching around the whole day. You look hollow. All along the surgery you didn't utter a word. And you looked on the verge of vomiting all procedure long… It's not of you.

Bailey: I guess I'm just a little bit tired (an awkward silence falls in the room and Owen breaks it)

Owen: of stab wounds (Webber sets his eyes on him). That's what she is talking about.

Bailey: I'm not.

Owen: you are. Since we got that page your mood changed. You turned silent and nervous. You have never said a word to the patient. You hardly could look at him (Bailey breaths out). There's no shame in saying it. I was stressed too. It reminded me a lot of things and…it was not easy.

Webber: Bailey

Bailey: don't Bailey me! (she stands up and walks to the sofa, she hides her face in both hands) I was with Sheperd before we got that page. We ran tests and Ct's and everything. He needs a local procedure next week. And the only idea to rummage into his insides again just… (she looks up) Today's guy had just one blow. And he kept complaining for the pain. And I couldn't think… I couldn't close the thought out of my head. What we saw… I think I'm going crazy (she strokes her eyes)

Webber: you're not. You have just held it for too long. Treating a loved one is a trauma, we all know that. And that's why the regulations of every hospital in the country forbid it. But that day we had no choice. We had to take care of Derek. Otherwise… (he swallows). Nothing will never be like it used to be before. Anytime we'll have a stab wound, we'll think of it Miranda. Embrace it.

Bailey: I can't embrace it. There must be something I can do about it.

Webber: there's nothing. Trust me. I've already bumped my head against it.

Bailey: how?

Webber: I've asked the counsel of a shrink. For us all (both Owen and Bailey look at him). But when I met him… we talked and he said there was nothing he could do for us. This kind of wound will never heal completely.

Bailey: it wasn't the same with Burke.

Webber: that was different

Bailey: why?

Webber: it was an accident. He didn't get shot on purpose. He was in the wrong place in the wrong moment. Gary Clark looked for Derek. That makes things different.

Bailey: so?

Webber: you don't have to be ashamed of being upset.

Bailey: but I can't run for the hills every time we have a case like today (Owen stands up and goes sitting with Bailey)

Owen: it goes away, I promise (she look at him). Not the whole thing but… it improves.

Bailey: I want to trust you. If you survived Iraq, we can survive this. Can we? (Owen looks at her smiling)

Owen: this was worse than Iraq. But yes, we can (he rubs her back)

* * *

Meredith: time of death (she looks at her clock) 17.45 (she takes her gloves off) Page Dr. Brad, please

Nurse: yes Dr. Grey (she comes out of the room and the monitors beeping ends. Cristina sees her)

Cristina: hey… what's up?

Meredith: my golden surgery patient died. I've just declared the time of death.

Cristina: oh… I'm sorry. Bad day?

Meredith: really bad. I was so optimist about it and… (she shrugs)

Cristina: it happens (she gives her a smile and Meredith smiles back)

Meredith: I need to fresh up. Will you come with me?

Cristina: sure (they walk silently to the toilets and go in. Meredith opens the faucet and washes her face with cold water). This has nothing to do with the unexpected appearance of dr. Montgomery – Forbes, right? (Meredith is wetting her face in a towel and stops to look at her)

Meredith: Addison's here?

Cristina: you didn't know?

Meredith: I've been in the OR the whole day. How could I know? Did you meet her?

Cristina: I've seen her in the cafeteria at lunch. She had a conference tomorrow I heard. Maybe she has already left.

Meredith: maybe (she looks at her image in the mirror)

Cristina: Mer… can you talk please? Are you still pissed for what I said this morning?

Meredith: what? The double marriage thing? You were pissed, not me

Cristina: it's just that… (Meredith looks at her)

Meredith: what?

Cristina: you seem to be miles away in these days. In other moments you'd have liked my proposal.

Meredith: I did like it but…

Cristina: is the baby freaking you out?

Meredith: no, I'm happy about it.

Cristina: so what is freaking you out? Is Derek going psycho?

Meredith: Cristina (she scolds her)

Cristina: you are having doubts, aren't you? (Meredith breaths out)

Meredith: I'm not having doubts… it's just that (she looks at Cristina who shrugs). You asked me for the double marriage, Owen was enthusiastic about it too. But Derek… do you know he dropped the marriage argument? After the post it… he has never mentioned it again.

Cristina: maybe he thinks it's what you want.

Meredith: maybe he doesn't want commitment anymore.

Cristina: Mer… how can you say that? You turned him down. He probably doesn't want to press you. You're pregnant with his child. How much more commitment do you want? If you said one single word, he would drag you into a church in a matter of seconds.

Meredith: do you think so?

Cristina: I know so. But… why don't you wait some weeks? We could split the charges (Meredith giggles)

* * *

Derek enters an OC room and sits on the bed. He is rubbing his eyes and Addison follows him.

Derek: I'm fine, I just want some time alone.

Addison: you don't believe him, right? (Derek breaths out looking up). That man is a jerk. Richard wouldn't play with you like this.

Derek: how do you know it?

Addison: as he loves you

Derek: even if people do love you… it doesn't mean they don't screw up. And blatantly lie.

Addison: you are not talking about Richard now (she sits on the bed in front of him and Derek avoids her eyes). Derek…

Derek: Mark told me… (his words are loud but he deflates seeing Addi's concerned expression) he told me about the baby (Addison opens her mouth to speak but words won't come out. She looks away). How could you come here and never tell me? (Addison closes her eyes) You played with my guiltiness, with duties, with obligations. You made me think you did a one night mistake. In a hospital bed, I got to know you were screwing each other for months. And you also got pregnant with his child (he shakes his head at her and their eyes meet). Please… tell me how… why you could do that to me (Addison is crying and Derek stands up to leave. His hand is on the door knob)

Addison: I didn't get what I had done (Derek turns around) I didn't understand the gravity of what I… we had done (she stands up and gets closer to Derek). Now I know...

Derek: how?

Addison: it happened to me too (his brows go high on his forehead). The evening I run into Sam and Naomi in bed together I…. (she touches his chest) it was like someone stabbed me right here (she touches a spot she remembers to be covered by scars). And we weren't even married… we were just dating. Then I knew…

Derek: I'm sorry (she giggles and goes back sitting on the bed, he follows her)

Addison: you're still you… (she looks straight into his eyes) I miss it so much… (she swallows and forces her words out of her mouth) Did you know what I told Meredith about you? (he shakes his head) That I knew at once you were the one for me… I knew it as you were the kind of guy who would have never hurt me, not on purpose, not the way I did. And it's right. I've been lying to myself for too much now. I left Seattle as I couldn't stand we were over. I've tried so many times to build a new life but I can't. And then you saved Archer, I pulled you out of the tiny box and you didn't fit in anymore. I was a fool Derek, I was a fool. And what hurts me more is that I don't deserve you. Not before, not now. Had I told you the truth, you would have tried? With me?

Derek: no

Addison: I knew it. That's why I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't strong enough to let you go. I knew you would have felt responsible, you would have felt… to try. And I used it (Derek looks away, Addison sees a tear running down his face). I'm sorry you got to know like this (Derek looks at her)

Derek: it doesn't matter anymore.

Addison: it does (she wipes a tear away)

Derek: I… all that time… all those months we have spent hurting each other… hurting … (he looks back into her eyes). We could have… moved on.

Addison: I didn't want to move on (she strokes his cheek). I loved you, Derek. You may not believe me. I don't deserve you do but… I tried all I could. I tried all the wrong way… I had nothing good to give you anymore… after 13 years… I know I blew everything up into a ball of illusions.

Derek: it was my fault too. We had agreed in that. I let Mark come between the two of us. I let things drift away… a lot of things (his eyes bore into hers). But now… it's stupid to rip old wounds open. It was a shock, I can't deny that. But… life goes on. Mark is still my friend… Not as he used to be but… a friend. And we are here talking without yelling at each other. You still worry about me. I can see it. The only good thing I got from this story is that a lot of people love me, despite everything. Despite me (they laugh and Addison hand pats Derek's thigh)

Addison: you're a person easy to love, Derek (he gives her a small smile. Addison looks straight at him and gets closer, her lips closer and closer to Derek's)

Derek: Addison…

Addison: please… (she gets closer and closer and her lips are going to brush Derek's when he turns his face aside, offering her his cheek instead. The door opens violently and Derek turns to look at the visitor. His jaw tenses to see Dr. Brad)

Brad: sorry… it's becoming a habit… I'll go and look for another OC (the door shuts close and Derek turns to Addison, her mouth now at safe distance)

Addison: where in hell did Richard find him?

Derek: I don't know (he stands up and opens the door. He turns to look at her). I'm happy we cleared it all.

Addison: me too (he gives her a smile and leaves. Addison lets herself falling on the bed)

* * *

_The worst thing about ghosts is that you can't control them. _

_They live in your closet and you feel you own them. But they own you. _

* * *

(Addison is still laying on the bed. The door opens again and Avery comes in. He closes the door and only then he realizes there's someone in)

Avery: oh… sorry. I didn't mean to bother you (Addison straightens up)

Addison: no bother dr. Avery. I'm the intruder here (he gets closer and notices her red eyes)

Avery: are you ok?

Addison: not that much. But I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about it (she fixes her shirt and Avery's eyes scan her figure). I bring troubles, dr. Avery.

Avery: excuse me?

Addison: you got it. I bring troubles. All the way with me. And you're too smart and too good to wreck your life with me. Karev is right. I'm sorry… but he is (she opens the door and leaves)

* * *

_You can learn their les__son though._

_As every ghost, every person we left behind is ready to teach us good from wrong. _

_They're ready to give us lectures._

* * *

Richard is in his office with Melinda and Mark.

Melinda: so…. All this considered, there's nothing I can blame Seattle Grace for.

Richard: I'm relieved to hear that. And I was sure about it (Melinda stands up and puts her notes into her bag)

Melinda: lucky you hold all these certainties, dr. Webber (she looks at her clock). I need to go if I don't want to miss my plane (she stretches her hand to Richard). I'll keep you posted anyway, ok?

Richard: thank you (she sends a quick glare to Mark and leaves. Richard eyes his doctor suspiciously and Mark breaths out)

Mark: fuck (he stands up and marches on the catwalk behind Melinda's retreating back. Derek sees him walking and tries to stop him)

Derek: Mark… (Sloan avoids his grip and follows the woman)

Mark: Melinda… Melinda (she turns around). Don't you think you should give it a rest?

Melinda: no. I don't think so. I can behave like I want to such an ass.

Mark: that's it. You have been insulting me and my job all day long and, really, I can't take it anymore.

Melinda: so?

Mark: you said you're a fancy, important woman but you just look like a spoiled doll to me.

Melinda: your opinion counts nothing to me.

Mark: but what I did sets me in hell forever? I find it childish

Melinda: if you say so…

Mark: it was a stupid thing. So stupid I was even too embarrassed to tell my friends. Nobody has ever known why we fought.

Melinda: well… they should. It could give an hard blow to your latin lover image

Mark: don't you think I just stayed mute not to humiliate you even more?

Melinda: how kind form you… Please… you said nothing as it would have been humiliating to you.

Mark: it had been a long day, a tiring day. And I couldn't… (Melinda's eyes narrow at him and he takes a look around) It was not because of you.

Melinda: that's for sure. It was because of you (she turns on her heels and she goes away. Mark strokes his eyes tiredly and turns back. He can't help but noticing Derek's mischievous smile)

Mark: what?

Derek: I've just put two and two together (he grins at him). You misfired, didn't you? (Mark sets his hands on his hips and shakes his head)

Mark: I have never misfired once in my life

Derek: you did. That's why she's so pissed. You had never misfired with anyone before and maybe you've never misfired later but with her… you did, man. The only thing I can't get is why she is so mad about it (Mark approaches Derek and looks down the hallway. Their elbows touch)

Mark: as the morning after she caught me with a nurse into my office. She came to talk about it and she caught me…

Derek: oh…she was pissed as she was the only virgin you left at Mont Sinai, wasn't she? (Mark's face becomes a grimace)

Mark: shut up (Derek giggles and makes some step away)

Derek: it's better I inform little Grey not to push you too much. Little Sloan could need to take its time…

Mark: shut the fuck up, Derek (he leaves)

* * *

_Ghosts are thing we'd rather to forget_

* * *

Meredith is at the nurses station when dr. Brad joins her.

Brad: dr. Grey… nurses told me to look for you.

Meredith: yes, you need to sign Mr. Drummond's chart (she handles him the chart and he signs it)

Brad: anything else?

Meredith: no. It feels enough to me (a nurse approach them)

Nurse: Dr. Brad, here are the scans you asked for (he takes the envelope and takes the films out)

Brad: mmm… It looks like the glory can wait a little more.

Meredith: excuse me?

Brad: these are Sheperd's scans. He still has an hematoma the size of a peach in his back. No wonder he aches all the time (he looks at Meredith whose face is paint with worry). Don't beat yourself too much on it. He didn't. And his leggy ex wife was petting him all the time.

Meredith: what?

Brad: are you sure they're divorced? They look really close to me.

Meredith: why do you keep saying these things to me?

Brad: what things?

Meredith: like Derek and I weren't married.

Brad: are you?

Meredith: yes (Brad laughs into her face and Meredith's face is bewildered)

Brad: excuse me but… really…. How is it that your personal file declares you single? And his divorced? You don't even wear wedding bands. I don't want to be rude, dr. Grey. If he's your baby's father, it doesn't make him your husband (Meredith's face hardens). I've seen this lots of times. People feel to be in love, they feel to be coupled but still… there's nothing.

Meredith: it's not like that. We…

Brad: love each other? I heard that. All the hospital just talks about the never ending story of Dr. Grey and Sheperd. How you can't stay far but you can't either stay together. You tried. It didn't work. Give it a rest. I heard you liked to look around and experience. Do it. You're a doer, aren't you? (he goes away leaving Meredith breathless)

* * *

_Ghosts are words we fear_

* * *

Richard is putting stuff in his bag when his door opens and Addison comes in.

Richard: hey… I was afraid you had already left

Addison: without saying goodbye? I'm a lady, don't you already know that? (Richard smiles and she sits in one chair)

Richard: so… how was it? Breathing the hospital in again?

Addison: good… it was good (she gives a small smile but Richard reads even sadness in it)

Richard: not good enough though

Addison: no. Never like today I felt out of my world here (she looks up and Richard sees a tear in her eyes). I lost, Richard. I lost everything. And who can I blame about it? Just me.

Richard: Addison… we all do mistakes

Addison: yes, we do. But for some of them… there's just no way back.

Richard: I happen to disagree

Addison: as you were lucky. As Adele took you back. As Derek helped you through your weakness and waited for you. He didn't wait for me. He met Meredith. He built a new life and… it hurts …

Richard: you're young. You can build yourself a new life.

Addison: not the one I wanted. I let the only man I've ever loved walk away. Better… I made him walk away. I paid every sin I made. I aborted a child and I can't have anymore now. I see women giving birth all days, and it will never come my turn again. Funny, uhm?

Richard: why did you come here then? (she looks at him) If you knew all these feelings, why did you come here?

Addison: I wanted to know. I wanted to know for sure (she stands up and takes her bag). And now… I'm ready to go back to my golden cage in L.A. Call whenever you need anything (Richard nods and she goes away. She comes to a stop at the door) Oh… I met your new buy

Richard: Hunt?

Addison: no… Brad.

Richard: oh… him

Addison: yes, him. That guy is a snake. Someone is going to punch him sooner or later. If it wasn't I had just made my manicure, I'd have done it myself today.

Richard: what did he do?

Addison: you'll know soon. And Richard…

Richard: yes?

Addison: don't use Derek. He really need to trust something now (she closes the door)

* * *

_They are a shadow of loneliness_

* * *

Meredith arrives home. She enters the kitchen and finds Derek taking their dinner out of the oven. He sees her and welcomes her with a wide smile.

Derek: hey… you're late (she looks hollow)

Meredith: sorry (she puts her bag down and sits on a stool avoiding Derek's eyes. His face paints with concern and he sets the pot on the counter. He gets closer)

Derek: you ok? (she looks up and gives him a small smile. Derek's face gets more confused as her smile is nothing more than a grin)

Meredith: my patient died… (Derek strokes her face and kisses her on the lips)

Derek: I'm sorry… You want to talk about it?

Meredith: no… I'm a surgeon. Patients die sometimes (Derek pours her a glass of water and she drinks it. He turns around to take their plates). So Addison was here (Derek turns around to look at her, her voice was rude)

Derek: yes. Didn't you meet her?

Meredith: no. I was in surgery this morning. And apparently she was too busy to drool on you today (she stands up and leaves the room, Derek follows her in the foyer)

Derek: Meredith…

Meredith: just save it, Derek (he hurries and takes her hand before she comes to the stairs)

Derek: look at me… (she is forces to turn around snorting) What's this about?

Meredith: I've just told you what's this about.

Derek: no, you didn't tell. You have just assumed something which has no truth.

Meredith: no truth, uhm? So she wasn't with you during your visit? (Derek keeps silent) And what about the kissing in the OC?

Derek: there was no kissing

Meredith: just because dr. Brad interrupted you in the best moment…

Derek: who told you this crap?

Meredith: it doesn't matter.

Derek: it does. There was nothing between the two of us.

Meredith: sure… as you love me, don't you?

Derek: Jesus, Mer. Of course I love you. Are you really questioning about that?

Meredith: seriously… I don't know.

Derek: the only reason I was with Addison in an OC is that Brad upset me (she giggles). He told me stuff about Richard and I… I needed time to think and settle things down.

Meredith: and she offered you her shoulder to cry on?

Derek: she did.

Meredith: of course (the door opens and Alex comes in. He sees the two of them at the beginning of the stairs and gets there's a situation going on)

Alex: hey (Derek gives him a nod with his head and Alex goes upstairs)

Derek: Mer… I wanted to know about the baby. Her's and Mark's. We had a fight. And she apologized as she got the mistake she did. She knew that, without that lie, I'd have never tried again with her. I lost months because of her dishonesty and I couldn't let it go. She was here. I needed to talk about it.

Meredith: so she doesn't want you back… (Derek breaths out and clears his throat, Meredith is looking at him defiantly)

Derek: maybe she does (she giggles again). But I have a voice in it. And I love you. She boarded a plane. She won't come back. Why does she bother you so much?

Meredith: as she's your wife

Derek: she was. You're now.

Meredith: I'm not (she turns around and runs up the stairs)

* * *

_They are broken promises_

_And they blow in the wind whenever you don't expect them._


	29. ROLLERCOASTER

I was really fast this time. I hope you enjoy it and review!

I don't know when I'll post next chapter but stay with me...

I really love this chapter and you'll get why... I hope you'll like it too. It just came out natural and quick.

Rollercoaster... I really mean it.

* * *

_Rollercoaster_

* * *

_Life is a rollercoaster._

_A wild, blood curdling, thrilling rollercoaster._

_You have just to have the courage to keep your eyes open during the whole run._

_And it will bring you everywhere: high as you have never been, down as you have never fallen._

_The only question is: will you have the courage not to jump down midway?_

* * *

It's morning and Meredith wakes up. She turns around to see Derek's side of the bed is empty. She stands up and walks down the stairs stroking her eyes. She enters the kitchen yawning, finding Alex drinking a coffee.

Alex: hey… morning… (she opens a leaf to look for something)

Meredith: have you seen the tablets?

Alex: last time I saw them they were upstairs, in the bathroom (he is reading a newspaper). Headache?

Meredith: yes (she sits down stroking her eyes)

Alex: you were fighting….(Meredith frowns) you and Sheperd…

Meredith: oh… that… was it so clear? (she pours a glass of milk, puts cereals in and starts to eat)

Alex: you were yelling… It was longtime since you last fought. I lost the habit.

Meredith: gain it back.

Alex: what's wrong? (Meredith exhales)

Meredith: nothing's wrong. You all can stop hovering.

Alex: you look like you need hovering. If you go back brooding on Addison…

Meredith: so I should be happy she wanted to kiss my husband in a closet?

Alex: no. But you should be happy he turned her down.

Meredith: nurses have already sang the whole melody everywhere.

Alex: they haven't

Meredith: right (she keeps eating)

Alex: to tell the truth they are singing other songs.

Meredith: really? More than Meredith being dumped again? It must be something really juicy… Share it please… (she looks up and Alex looks uncertain)

Alex: they're singing Brad's trying to get into your panties. And they're blaming you as you don't even try to stop him (she sets her bowl down violently)

Meredith: excuse me?

Alex: you asked. I told you.

Meredith: what does this mean?

Alex: why do you ask me? It's you who should explain this. What are you doing Mer? You want to make Derek jealous?

Meredith: I'm doing nothing

Alex: or are you back to sleepovers?

Meredith: how do you dare?

Alex: I'm telling you as I'm your friend. People are talking. Old stories are coming to surface. And I don't think you'd like Lexie or Derek to hear about them. Do you really think Brad is all over you to make you a neuro Godness?

Meredith: he is just teaching me

Alex: give it a cut. You're too smart to joke yourself around (he stands up and sets dirty dishes in the sink. He turns around and leans against it). You're pregnant, Mer. Hormones play strange things to pregnant women. Just try don't screw your life in the while (he goes out leaving her alone)

* * *

Derek is leaning against the catwalk staring down at the parking lot. Lexie and Mark enter the hospital and go up the stairs.

Lexie: good morning (she gives Derek a wide smile and goes ahead. Mark pats both Derek's shoulders)

Mark: do you see how happy my girlfriend is in the morning? Never need to doubt my efficiency anymore (Derek gives him a small smile and Mark's face gets serious). Troubles in paradise?

Derek: I'm fine, Mark (he turns around giving his back to his friend)

Mark: you're not. Meredith's fine? (Derek answers breathing out) Is she freaking out?

Derek: she… I don't know

Mark: talk to Dr. Sloan. Dr. Sloan can heal you.

Derek: really? Since when did you become a heart counselor?

Mark: since you need me. I can help… (Derek swallows)

Derek: thanks Mark. But I need to understand what's going on before going worrying.

Mark: you're already worried.

Derek: I know (Mark's pager beeps and he looks at it)

Mark: I gotta go

Derek: ok (Mark leaves and Derek stands there alone. He turns around to see Richard entering his office. He goes towards that direction but, on the door, he bumps into Bailey)

Bailey: what the hell, Sheperd! I'm not a doormat

Derek: sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

Bailey: I hope so. I didn't check your sight as I thought you still could see a yard from your nose. Unless it grew longer tonight… (Derek breaths out) I was kidding… are you even touchy now? (she opens the door and goes in. Derek stays on the door and Richard sees him)

Richard: come in, Derek. Do you need me?

Derek: yes… I wanted to steal you five minutes but since you're busy… (he looks meaningfully at Bailey)

Richard: never mind. Miranda will take two. Sit down… I'll be yours immediately (Miranda notices Derek's demeanor, the way he drops on the couch and takes a newspaper absentmindedly. Richard clears his throat and gets her attention back)

* * *

Lexie is drinking a coffee in front of a machine when her attention is caught by two nurses whispering between each other.

Nurse: I told you they were flirting. Clearly and openly flirting in the OR

Nurse: It's impossible

Nurse: not at all… I thought she was done by now

Nurse: doing what?

Nurse: screwing random men

Nurse: Debbie!

Nurse: I'm just saying… Remember the time she broke that patient's penis?

Nurse: how could I? It was up to Doctor Sheperd to fix it…

Nurse: poor man… I felt sorry for him.

Nurse: yeah… but he was right… he called her a whore… remember?

Nurse: but I thought she would have pulled yourself together… She's pregnant for Christ's sake! (Lexie's face turns suddenly into their direction realizing who they're talking about)

Nurse: what if the baby wasn't his? (Lexie's eyes narrow with anger and she marches towards them)

Nurse: well… that would explain why she acts so careless towards Dr. Sheperd… Making doo eyes to the new surgeon with her boyfriend next door (Lexie clears her throat in front of them. The two women look up in terror noticing her. One of them lets her pen fall. They try a smile)

Lexie: don't you have anything to do?

Nurse: we were…

Lexie: gossiping (Cristina arrives in front of the nurses station). And saying horrible things about my sister (Cristina gets closer). Don't you have your own life to care about? (the two nurses walk away and Lexie looks up finding Cristina who is eyeing her suspiciously). What?

Cristina: I ask you what. Are you trying to be murdered by angry nurses?

Lexie: I'm just trying to make them stop to say bad things about Meredith. Wouldn't you do that? (her voice raises and Cristina takes her and pushes her away)

* * *

Owen enters the attending lounge smiling brightly. Callie, Arizona and Teddy are there.

Owen: ladies…

Teddy: hey (she sets her budge on her labcoat)

Arizona: you're happy… (Hunt turns to look at her)

Owen: why wouldn't I be? It's early morning. Good night sleep. No problems yet.

Teddy: lucky you… (he looks at Teddy and gets closer, he leans on the locker next to hers)

Owen: are you ok? (she breaths out)

Callie: she's not

Arizona: her prince charming wants her to leave with him (Callie elbows her) Ouch… (Callie mouths her to shut up. Owen looks at Teddy, his face concerned)

Callie: come to take that coffee with me? (she takes Arizona's arm and drags her towards the exit)

Arizona: coffee? We have just taken one. Hey… (Teddy laughs but stops realizing Owen is looking at her searching answers)

Teddy: what?

Owen: you won't talk to me?

Teddy: there's nothing to talk about

Owen: so you're just leaving…

Teddy: I'm not… well… I don't know yet, ok? I have to think about it

Owen: Teddy…

Teddy: why do you care, then? (her pager beeps) I have a surgery… (she leaves Owen there)

* * *

Derek is still sitting in Richard's office. He's alone, a newspaper in his lap. Richard and Bailey go in.

Bailey: it's great, chief! Do you know how many things we could do with that instrument? Next year we'll raise to number one… (Richard laughs)

Richard: fly down Bailey (his eyes settle on Derek who is looking outside the window. Miranda follows his gaze and gets closer to Derek)

Bailey: booh! (Derek startles on the couch) What are you, daydreaming?

Derek: sorry… I was thinking … (her eyes fall on the newspaper, her eyes lock with Derek's for a moment and she gets his unease)

Bailay: what's wrong?

Derek: nothing, I just need to clear something with the chief

Bailey: no

Derek: excuse me?

Bailey: I won't let the two of you bickering again

Derek: I don't think you get a choice in it

Bailey: I do. As I'm done playing the peacemaker between two stubborn people who can't talk to each other.

Derek: you're doing things bigger than they are (Bailey sits down)

Bailey: talk then (Derek grins bitterly)

Richard: Miranda….

Bailey: I'm waiting…

Derek: right (he throws the newspaper on the table. It opens at the page with his face on it, the nominations for Harper Avery in highlight) What's this? (Richard gets closer and takes the paper in his hands. He swallows)

Richard: I think you know what it is

Derek: and why anyone bothered to tell me?

Richard: it happened while you were in coma, Derek

Derek: I have been out for some time now (Richard and Bailey share a quick look). That's why you wanted me back?

Richard: no

Derek: as you could bind my name to SG?

Richard: Derek… it's not… (Derek stands up and slams the paper back on the table)

Derek: do you know how much it burns I got to know of this award by Greg Brad?

Bailey: what did he tell you?

Derek: he made me feel like a piece of ass as I was taking advantage from the situation, not taking my position back. I wonder if you'd really want me to take it back without this… (his pager beeps) I need to go. Peter is already down in the MRI (he walks to the door)

Richard: Derek

Derek: no, Richard. Not now. I need to cool down before I say something I could be sorry for (an awkward silence falls in the room. Bailey clears her throat shyly and goes away)

* * *

Meredith is in front of the OR board. Cristina joins her.

Cristina: hey

Meredith: morning (she looks at her clock). This time you should be already in the OR (she then looks at the board which indicates Cristina in OR3 with Altman)

Cristina: I'm going (she takes her scrub cap out of her pocket), I had 2 preparing the patient for me

Meredith: the perks of the cardio resident

Cristina: that's life, Mer. I gave away all the crap and just keep the best. I can even find the time to get bored (Meredith giggles) What about you? (Meredith face tenses)

Meredith: I don't know. I go for rounds in half an hour

Cristina: you don't look forward to

Meredith: it's not medicine. I kind of fought with Derek yesterday. We really fought. I got all red for Addison being here and… I don't know where we are right now (she shrugs)

Cristina: why don't you page him?

Meredith: no… we'll meet… I don't feel to face him. I'm… I don't know

Cristina: are you still upside down for the marriage thing?

Meredith: I think so. And there must be really something wrong with me. An year ago I was upside down as I didn't want to get married. Now I'm freaking out as I want. I got a headache myself trying to pick one upside down. And Derek… I told him awful things last night (she can hardly control tears)

Cristina: he loves you. He won't play hard feelings to you, Mer. Just talk about it. Don't let the situation slide out of control.

Meredith: what if it has already?

Cristina: it was just a lover quarrel.

Meredith: but you think I should be worried about it, don't you? (Cristina swallows, she sees her intern approaching with the patient)

Cristina: let's meet for lunch, ok? (she joins the others pushing the stretcher and goes away)

* * *

Derek is out of the MRI. He's talking to a man sitting on it.

Fletcher: impressive… Even if this hospital is little as a dog house, I have to say it's worth

Derek: you just have to get used to dimensions. Seattle isn't New York.

Flatcher: and how can a Manhattan boy leave here? Don't you miss the chaos?

Derek: I do, sometimes.

Fletcher: you were the New Yorker for excellence. It's always hard to believe you packed your staff and left without looking back. If someone ever told me, I'd have laughed.

Derek: it was a lot of things, put all together. I miss it, sometimes. I miss the noise, the crowd, even the smells. And the fact the, finally, despite everything, when you want you are lonely. In New York city, you can be absolutely lonely. Here is different. It's more me I guess.

Fletcher: yes… I see (Mark walks down the corridor)

Mark: look who's here… chief! (a wide smile spreads on his face)

Fletcher: Sloan… it's 9.30 . I see your habits didn't change. Rough night (Derek laughs and Mark's smile fades)

Derek: don't kick him too much. He is becoming a good guy down here

Fletcher: quite about time. Hope is the last to die (he clears his throat) About hope… I don't want you to give false hope to Amy (Derek looks up at him). After you called, she ambushed me with threats of every kind. I don't want her to get her hopes up, it's already difficult this way.

Derek: I'm not here for this, Peter. I really hope I can do something for you. We have just tasted the potentiality of the trial. This could be a chance for you.

Fletcher: I know… are you dealing with this by yourself?

Derek: what do you mean?

Fletcher: I read you had someone working with you on it. If I don't remember badly… you're wife. Dr. Grey… isn't it?

Derek: yeah

Fletcher: you won't introduce her to your old chief?

Mark. I think he's scared of all the stories you could tell her about Sheperd – Sky (Derek rolls his eyes)

Derek: I'm not. And I have already paged her. She'll join us in the MRI, ok?

Fletcher: ok… (he lifts his brows to Mark)

* * *

Teddy is filling a chart at a nurses station. Suddenly someone covers her eyes with the hands. She feels a hot breath on her neck.

Andrew: good morning (she turns around to find her date in front of her, he offers her a cup of coffee)

Teddy: Andrew… I'm surprised to see you here (he kisses her)

Andrew: good surprise?

Teddy: very good…

Andrew: I just wanted to check on you. You left quickly yesterday and… I just wanted to say hi

Teddy: it was kind of you (she smiles)

Andrew: your coffee? (he still has the cup in his hand)

Teddy: sure, sorry (she takes it) I will take it with me in the OR…

Andrew: you have surgery?

Teddy: they're actually waiting for me… Patient is ready… (he kisses her again)

Andrew: go then… Will I see you for lunch?

Teddy: of course (she goes away and Richard arrives behind Andrew's back)

Richard: dr. Perkins… (he turns around)

Andrew: dr. Webber…

Richard: did the board send you here again?

Andrew: no. I was here for personal reasons… to meet a friend

Richard: oh… any of our patients?

Andrew: doctors, actually (he looks embarrassed) How are your surgeons doing? Did they process their trauma?

Richard: not entirely. Doctor Bailey had an outburst yesterday. And it's proving as difficult as you painted in the first place.

Andrew: do you want me to talk to her?

Richard: if you feel this could help her… us. Why not? (Andrew smiles and takes his agenda checking for free spots)

Andrew: I'm free at 14

Richard: good. I'll arrange you a meeting.

Andrew: see you later then

* * *

Brad is reading a chart in a conference room and Bailey sees him. She passes ahead only to stop and turn back on her heels. She enters the door knocking. Brad looks up.

Brad: dr. Bailey… Good morning!

Bailey: thank you

Brad: I saw you earlier pushing a great instrument in your OR. The robot is finally here

Bailey: yes, it arrived in the morning

Brad: only a few hospitals can say to have it. You must be gloating

Bailey: I am (he searches her eyes as her voice is cold)

Brad: you don't look so (she sits down in front of him, he gets she seems to be biting her tongue) Come on… we are co workers… you can tell me everything (he gives her a smile) Have you personal issues?

Bailey: anything I want to discuss with you

Brad: ouch… it hurts

Bailey: it doesn't. It doesn't hurt. I really wanted to touch it

Brad: what?

Bailey: your insensitivity.

Brad: excuse me?

Bailey: probably in new York you didn't build relationships.

Brad: so?

Bailey: there's a big difference between not building relationships and seeding discord

Brad: I really don't know what you're talking about

Bailey: really? (she stands up) If you go against one doctor here… you challenge everyone. Keep that in mind (she goes away and he goes back to his chart)

* * *

Derek is in the control room of the MRI. Mark is letting Fletcher in. Meredith arrives in front of the door. She knocks lightly and Derek turns to her

Meredith: you paged?

Derek: yeah… good morning (they talk shyly, the remains of their fight still lingering in the air. Meredith approaches and breaths out seeing Derek wearing his labcoat, she strokes his back)

Meredith: I had almost forgotten how good you look in it (she raises her eyes to meet his and takes her hand away. Derek catches it)

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: I'm sorry. For yesterday. I slept on it and this morning I felt so stupid… I don't know what came in my head…

Derek: it's ok

Meredith: it's not. You don't need to do the thing

Derek: what thing? (a frown appears on his forehead and Meredith waves her hands looking for words)

Meredith: me freaking out and you taking it all. You can tell me I was a moron

Derek: ok… (he pauses looking at her and never letting go of her hand) Meredith… you were a moron (she rolls her eyes). Better (he stands up smiling) you got all jealous on me (he sits on the control desk leaning towards her)

Meredith: I didn't

Derek: you did (he strokes her cheek with his thumb) That's good

Meredith: really? From when cursing and doubting you is fine?

Derek: since it shows me how much you love me. You do… love me, right? (after a second of indecision, she smiles at him and they hug) I'm sorry you got to doubt me

Meredith: hadn't we agreed you need to stop blaming yourself on everything? (he giggles)

Derek: we have (there's a buzz in the radio and a voice comes out the speaker)

Fletcher: sorry to interrupt you, Derek. But I'm in this thing from a lot of time and you didn't switch the interphone off (Derek and Meredith part, Derek leans to talk in it)

Derek: sorry… we go now

Fletcher: are you sure? (Derek looks at Meredith and she arches her eyebrows)

Derek: why wouldn't I be?

Fletcher: as I remembered you as a focused and upright guy. That sweet lady makes you walk on your knees. I would have needed her in New York to keep you in line. Oh… nice to meet you, dr. Grey

Derek: shut up, Peter. You'll get to know her later. Let's take a look at your head now (he pushes a button and the voice disappears)

Meredith: who is he?

Derek: Peter… my former chief in New York. Remember I told you?

Meredith: he is here for his glioma? (Derek nods) Today?

Derek: he got worse. He had other seizures and accepted to stop here before than expected. Are you in the case, dr. Grey? (he gives her one longing look)

Meredith: of course, dr. Sheperd. I just need to inform Brad I won't be on his service today (she is going to take her pager but he stops her)

Derek: already done (images appear on the screen and he sits) Just sit now.

* * *

Alex and Mark are filling forms in a conference room.

Alex: do we really have to fill all this crap?

Mark: yep… new procedures…

Alex: all this as an old and unstable woman decided to get herself killed?

Mark: it's not that simple… She probably urged the surgeon to make the procedure. But he made a mistake though

Alex: what will happen to him?

Mark: I don't know. In Washington they ran all the tests, he just decided he could take the risk. The fact that I recommended not to make the surgery is meaningless

Alex: why did you do it then?

Mark: I hoped she could accept it. Seeing black on white sometimes clears your brain. But it didn't. And she had nobody to make it on her place. That's a big story of loneliness.

Alex: which brings us to the following step (he raises a paper in front of his eyes): are we really going to demand a relative for each surgery we are going to make?

Mark: I'm afraid we do

Alex: what about lonely people? What about next Mrs. Walsh?

Mark: that's what social services are for. To take care of weak and voluble people.

Alex: right… but not every surgery you perform is life saving. What about people who just want new boobs? I don't think social services are up for that.

Mark: no, they aren't

Alex: they already haven't the time to follow real cases. Now this…

Mark: we just have to be patient. Melinda Cole proposed this to the chief and he took the suggestion. Let's drive through the storm. In a month we'll go back to normal.

Alex: good… I've been interconnected with shrinks enough in my life… I chose plastics as it was light.

Mark: do you really think so? Wait to meet Mrs. Swanson in three days. You'll tell me how light it is (his pager beeps and he looks at it) Hunt is paging us for a consult in the ER. We are done with the forms for now

Alex: thank God

* * *

Teddy, Cristina and her intern are in the OR.

Teddy: more suction, please

Cristina: yes sir (she is staring in the patient's cavity)

Teddy: do you see it? (they look at the heart which does not seem to work properly)

Cristina: yes… it looks like a hurt murmure. Tests didn't reveal it though

Teddy: it happens sometimes. Can you tell me why, dr. Jesse?

Steve: it depends from the size of the hole

Cristina: hole? We are not talking about golf here

Steve: I beg your pardon… murmure

Cristina: better (Teddy looks at her strictly). Dr. Altman?

Teddy: you keep being a strict and harsh teacher to your interns…

Cristina: it's what they need. And it's the only way I was taught myself.

Teddy: so as your teachers were nasty and commending you can't do differently? Am I such?

Cristina: no. You are more available than others

Teddy: and you consider that a weakness, don't you?

Cristina: no. I respect that. But it doesn't fit me. In the OR I was taught to fight, not to lose concentration and focus. It looks more appropriate bitching than cuddling. But that's my opinion of course.

Teddy: what is yours, Jesse?

Steve: well… she bitches… all the time. But she also teaches and… I can stand the bitching as long as she is a good teacher. Just…

Cristina: what?

Steve: do you hate me or is it just for the show? (Cristina diverts her eyes from the operating table and looks at him, she then looks back at the patient)

Cristina: I don't think that's the time to discuss it. We have a patient open on the table. Look at his heart and don't think about yours. And mine.

Teddy: you are avoiding…

Cristina: I'm not

Teddy: you are. I'm an avoider myself and I recognize the others. Just… your problem is so little compared with mine that I envy you. You just have to decide if hurting his feeling or keeping the mask on. I have to decide if staying stuck here or taking the plunge.

Cristina: what do you mean?

Teddy: men take the wrong moments to show up and do wonderful promises

Cristina: don't I know about that…

Teddy: are you having afterthoughts about the marriage?

Cristina: no.. yes. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't. Considering what happened during the first, I'd be a fool not to be scared (Steve giggles). What 2? Do you find funny my fiancé dumped me on the altar? (Steve gets serious immediately)

Steve: no, doctor Yang. Of course I don't.

Cristina: what are you grinning at, then?

Steve: you were human. For the first time since I know you (Cristina looks at him bewildered)… with me… I mean… not that you're not in general

Cristina: stop kissing my ass. I hate you. You won't change that anyway (Teddy giggles and they go back working)

* * *

Bailey joins Richard and dr. Perkins in a conference room.

Bailey: chief… you paged? (she realizes he is not alone and a wide smile paints her lips) You got me the technical today? (she giggles) You're the best chief (she sits down, Perkins eyes Richard suspiciously. Miranda takes a lot of notes and settles them on the table). I have been reading the instructions all morning and I have written something I need to discuss with you. Do you want to stay here or do you prefer go working on the instrument? (she looks finally up and sees Andrew's astonished face) What?

Richard: he is not the technician, Miranda

Bailey: oh… sorry (Andrew smiles at her) Who is he, then?

Andrew: you didn't tell her…

Richard: no… she wouldn't be here

Bailey: what are you talking about?

Richard: Andrew Perkins… Dr. Perkins is the trauma counselor I told you about yesterday.

Bailey: and…

Richard: he stopped by today. I asked him to talk to you.

Bailey : why?

Andrew: dr. Webber thought it could be useful for you to vocalize your anxieties, your fears

Bailey: I don't have fears

Richard: Bailey…

Bailey: I don't have. Yesterday it was a bad day. Now I feel good. My Da Vinci got here. I'm becoming the master of it. I'm fine.

Andrew: so you got distracted?

Bailey: yes I… (she gets the look in the doctor's eyes) I don't need to be distracted.

Andrew: there's no shame in admitting to need help

Bailey: don't give me that speech. I use that speech with my critical patients. And I'm not a critical patient.

Andrew: I didn't imply that.

Bailey: so what do you want from me?

Andrew: talking… not yelling at me. Can you try to do that?

Bailey: yes

Richard: I let the two of you alone (he goes out and Miranda and Andrew stay sit in silence)

Andrew: I know you're a general surgeon… the new head of general I heard

Bailey: exactly. Do you want to analyze me on that? (Andrew giggles)

Andrew: Dr. Webber told me you could be very ironic. I like you.

Bailey: thank you. But I'm not on the market

Andrew: neither am I. So… now we have pointed out we are not going to get married, can we talk seriously?

* * *

Meredith and Derek are looking at Fletcher's scans in a conference room.

Meredith: bilateral glioma. Can we cure this? (Derek breaths out)

Derek: I don't know (Derek meets her eyes and notices questions she is afraid to ask). I know I should be the one to give answers, but I haven't any by now.

Meredith: it's really different from what we studied. Much more complicated. Much more extensive. It would require a lot of virus

Derek: I know

Meredith: is it safe?

Derek: I don't know

Meredith: we haven't really digged in possible side effects of the virus. What if too much kills?

Derek: I don't know.

Meredith: Derek… what are you going to tell him? That we don't know a damned thing? He came for answers. We led the trial. We should tell him if there's a chance it works or not.

Derek: I know. We'll tell him what we know now. And we'll take time to consider every side of the problem. Ok, dr. Grey?

Meredith: sure, Dr. Sheperd (they share a smile)

Derek: let's go. He should be in his room already (he takes the scans and they walk into his room. Richard is in the room and an elegant and good looking lady is sitting close to Peter's bed. She stands up when Derek goes in)

Amy: Derek (they hug) Don't you like Seattle's cooking? (they part and the woman's arms lean on his shoulders) Look at you… you're all bones.

Derek: my wife sucks the life out of me (Meredith rolls her eyes at him)

Peter: I really don't want to understand the right meaning of it (his wife sits back in the chair). So?

Derek: the MRI revealed a bilateral glioma. The first pre existing and completely developed, the second growing up and recently formed (Amy closes her eyes waiting for a death sentence. Peter takes her hand)

Peter: honey…

Amy: is there something you can do about it? (she raises her eyes to meet Derek's) Is your trial effectual to cure this kind of disease? (Peter sends Derek a warning look)

Derek: our trial proved useful to treat gliomas… single gliomas though… We have never faced a bilateral one

Amy: but you can do it, right? Can you try?

Meredith: the problem is not try or not, Mrs. Fletcher. The problem is that we don't know the effects of a double injection in the brain.

Amy: but it could work…

Peter: if I don't die (Amy looks at him). This surgery is all or nothing, darling. If Derek succeeds, I'm fine. He fails, I'm dead (the woman starts to cry silently)

Derek: being the situation like that, I'd need some hours to evaluate everything

Peter: it's not necessary, Derek

Derek: Peter…

Peter: no. I've been chief of surgery for thirty years. I've told hundreds of people they had to die. You don't need to sweeten my pill, Shep. I knew this was above science. Don't waste your time.

Derek: it's not a waste. And what have you to lose? Richard pays my bills (Richard smiles) Actually… he is not paying me at all now. So there won't be any waste. Maybe I can't do anything. Maybe I can think of something. Give me time, ok?

Peter: ok. Just as I like it here. And I still have to talk to your wife (Derek smiles) Give her hints not to let your child become like you (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: that's would be appreciated (Derek rolls his eyes)

Derek: how do you know she's pregnant?

Peter: you walk in the air. I know you since you were a little, pee wet intern. I saw you become a neuro star. You have always had whatever you wanted. But a child (Meredith and Derek share a look and their fingers interlock) And it won't take long time since your kid will kick your ass from her mother's belly.

Derek: why do you say "she"?

Peter: as it's a girl

Meredith: how do you know?

Peter: secret… but trust me. I've never mistook newborns sex (he adjusts his pillow). Go now… Meredith will keep me company

* * *

Owen and Reed are in a visit room with a family. A newborn, his mother and father. Hunt is writing something on the chart.

Owen: so… I've paged pediatrics to have a further check but, from what I see, Steven is fine.

Woman: thank God

Owen: I have also paged our head of plastics, Dr. Sloan. He could take a look to the baby's hand and sees if it's operable or not.

Woman: but… (Owen looks up at her, he smiles to encourage her to talk) I don't think we should afford the surgery

Man: shut up, Ellen. You don't need to give them explanations (Owen's face hardens a bit). I'm not going to justify myself for not being able to make ends meet.

Woman: Ed…

Man: that's it. What about her? (Owen raises his eyes to meet his, he closes the chart to his chest)

Owen: her? You told your wife wasn't in the car with you

Man: she wasn't indeed.

Owen: so she's fine, why do you ask?

Man: she is not fine. Are you blind or what? (Owen looks at the woman who is crying silently. All he notices is her belly. The woman seems to be in the last trimester of pregnancy)

Owen: I hope I got you wrong, sir (Reed turns to look at him noticing the coldness in his voice)

Man: don't test my patience

Woman: Ed, please (she touches her husband's arm but he pushes her away)

Man: I want you to tell me if the other baby will be handicapped or not

Owen: it's impossible to know now. You have to wait after he's born (the man gets closer to Owen)

Man: you don't get it, do you doc? I don't want him to be born if he's like that! (he points to his son and Owen looks up to control his anger)

Owen: if he was absolutely healthy and, 2 years old, he severed his fingers… what would you do? Would you kill him?

Man: that's not the point!

Owen: that is the point (his voice is high and Reed looks scared)

Man: look… I don't give a crap of what you think (he gets closer and closer and leans an index on Owen's chest) Do your job… it is what you're paid for (Owen breaths out, all patience seems gone. The man takes him by the collar of his labcoat and Reed makes a step back) Do a damned scan… is that out of your league? (a bolt of anger crosses Owen's eyes but Mark arrives in front of the door with Arizona)

Mark: what's going on here? (the man lets Owen)

Man: nothing. Your colleague is refusing to run tests on my wife (Owen giggles)

Arizona: Hunt?

Owen: he wants us to tell him if the baby who's gonna come will have the same malformation than his brother. I told him we can't know (Arizona nods)

Arizona: dr. Hunt is right. There's no way we can know. But we can help him.

Man: I won't let any of you touch my son! (his voice is high and the women look scared)

Mark: hey… stay calm, please. You came for help and that's what we are trying to do.

Man: he didn't help. He just pissed me off. And I don't want him anymore (he leaves the room hitting Owen with his shoulder passing by, his wife keeps crying)

Reed: are you ok, dr. Hunt?

Owen: I am… worry about the baby, not about me (he leaves the room)

* * *

Arizona joins Callie and Mark at the cafeteria. She sits, Mark is biting a sandwich.

Arizona: how is Hunt doing?

Mark: fine. I let him under a cold shower.

Callie: cold shower? (she grins) Did Cristina turn him on and off?

Arizona: no. Our patient's father nearly hit him.

Callie: what?

Arizona: how can a man be so despicable?

Mark: as people are screwed. The more I do this job, the more I get sure about that

Arizona: ok… but seriously… aborting a baby as he could be flawed? How does that?

Mark: a lot of people, Robbins (his voice is flat and Arizona looks at him frowning)

Arizona: excuse me but… do you agree?

Mark: of course I don't. But why do you think people do amniocentesis?

Arizona: that's kind of different

Mark: is it? Aborting a baby with Down syndrome and a baby with fingers lacking is so different? I don't think so.

Arizona: accidents happen all the time

Mark: and so do diseases (a thick silence falls on the table, Callie looks at them both)

Callie: ok… you don't need to fight about this. You have good arguments, the both of you. The only thing that matters is your patient. How is he in by the way?

Mark: the despicable man had an accident with his son. Hunt visited him and he's fine.

Arizona: except for the fact he has three fingers in the left hand

Mark: so he thought to page to see if I can do anything. But the despicable man stopped him and told him he didn't want surgery. Apparently he came here only to know if the upcoming baby will be maimed as well.

Callie: you really have a hot potato in your hands

Mark: and we need to be close (Arizona looks up at him). I didn't mean to fight and snap to you. I'm sorry

Arizona: never mind. I did my part too.

Callie: these are my guys! You are going to kick his ass (they all laugh and Mark smiles even wider to see Lexie approaching)

Lexie: On Call Room, now (Callie is drinking her coffee and looks between Mark and Lexie)

Mark: excuse me?

Arizona. Sex, Mark. She wants sex

Mark: she… shut up (he looks at Lexie and notices she seems upset) What's wrong?

Lexie: everything is wrong (she paces around the table and Mark stands up)

Mark: Lexie (he stops her) you're driving me lumpy. Sit down (he takes a chair and she falls on it snorting). What's wrong?

Lexie: nurses are calling Meredith a whore… That's what's wrong! (Callie nearly chokes on her coffee and a lot of heads turn towards them)

Mark: keep your voice low, please… Explain me…

Lexie: I overheard them this morning. They were assuming she's pregnant with some random man's child. Meredith I mean… everybody knows she has always been all on Derek and no one else (Callie eyes Mark but he ignores her). They said… they said he is the first one to know she is a bitch and that she is going at it with Brad… And I can't… (Mark touches her arm)

Mark: Lexie… calm down. Meredith is a grown up woman and she can take care of herself

Lexie: what's this supposed to mean?

Mark: it means you don't have to freak out. Not here, above all.

Lexie: so the fact they say she screwed Derek up doesn't bother you?

Mark: it does but…

Lexie: but what? (Mark swallows and words fail him)

Mark: they are just resuming old and dead stories to spend their time (Lexie shakes her head not believing her ears)

Lexie: which stories? (Callie gets Mark unease and touches Lexie's hand)

Callie: what Mark is trying to tell you is that things between Derek and Meredith were not always so smooth as they are now. But who cares? Every of us has a past, theirs is a little messed up. And the gossiping of Grey and Brad is a stupid thing. You shouldn't even bother to get mad on it. Better… don't get mad on it. If you do, suspects will become doubts and someone could really get hurt.

Lexie: can you talk English to me? If it was a metaphor, it didn't come out good

Mark: drop it, Lexie. That's the translation.

Lexie: good (she stands up)

Mark: OC?

Lexie: forget it (she goes away)

* * *

Bailey: I've grown soft

Andrew: you haven't. It's just life.

Bailey: I know life. I knew life. All good and bad things. I thought I knew them all (she raises her eyes to meet Andrew's but he keeps silent. She looks away under his scrutiny). I got degrees, I went to med school, I was the best. I was chief resident and now I'm head of an important department in an important hospital. I fell in love, I got married, I got a divorce. I had a kid and I had the bad luck to see them both lay on a surgical table.

Andrew: good summary

Bailey: and now I'm dating a man. That makes me softer.

Andrew: so do you think being upset for what happened to your colleague is a direct consequence of you dating someone? (he raises an eyebrow at her)

Bailey: that's your job to say (she snaps at him). That must be the reason. It's the only thing that changed. I didn't change.

Andrew: ok… so why don't you break up with him?

Bailey: excuse me?

Andrew: if he's the reason you changed and you don't like the change, go back. Break up with him (she breaths out and looks down) I'm kidding…

Bailey: lucky me. I got the only jokey shrink

Andrew: I'm not a shrink. I'm just someone who tries, and sometimes does not succeed, to help people to go through bad experiences. We have been talking for hours now. You haven't said why this upset you so much. You are a doctor, a surgeon. A good one. But I guess a lot of patients died under your care. And you look like a woman who cares. Why did this case hit you so much? (she breaths out) If I didn't get to know you, I'd think you had a thing for him…

Bailey: what? There are already too many women ready to jump his bones. We are friends. We pretend to dislike each other…

Andrew: but you don't…

Bailey: he is a gentleman… he has a strong sense of duty and morality. He could teach us all what the word respect means. And he survived all the hard blows life sent him. He didn't deserve this.

Andrew: people don't always get what they deserve…

Bailey: I felt… I felt something bad was going to happen. He was so confident about solving problems… He trusted people… but I felt… I felt wrong that day

Andrew: and you blame yourself not to have warned him?

Bailey: I did… at first. And I also blamed the chief. But now… I know it was stupid. It's the emotional part I can't get rid of. It's seeing someone you like suffering so much without being able to do anything. It's looking at him in the eyes and saying it's going to be ok when you know it probably won't be. Ever again. When I touch him… when we brush… I just feel him cold as he were, lying in his blood… How can I let it go?

Andrew: how did you let go your husband and son's surgeries?

Bailey: it just went away by itself.

Andrew: this will go too (she wipes a tear away). Good memories will overflow bad ones. And one day you won't feel the coldness anymore.

Bailey: so I don't have to get rid of Ben…

Andrew: no… not because of me at least

Bailey: damn it… I hoped I could use your name as an alibi.

Andrew: don't… I use to come here every time and then (she stands up). I don't need an angry ex boyfriend after my blood.

Bailey: well… thanks… this was… you are a relaxing person

Andrew: that's my job…

Bailey: how can you deal with traumatized people every day?

Andrew: how can you deal with sick people every day?

Bailey: as I believe I can fix most of them

Andrew: me too. Our jobs are not that different after all.

Bailey: they are (Andrew arches his brows). I don't talk that much… Never see you again (she goes out)

* * *

Meredith and Cristina walk through the tables in the cafeteria till they see Alex and go there. They both set their tray down and start to eat.

Cristina: ah… I love sitting and eating after surgery (she stretches her arms above her head). We fixed the pericardium. Despite all complications, my nanny dearest is going to be fine (she sets a chip in her mouth, Alex grins).

Alex: your intern was all adamant in saying Altman blamed you for your teaching…

Cristina: 2 can say what he wants. He won't buy my sympathy crying on his ass (she looks in the cafeteria, she notices some people looking at them and diverting their look when she looks at them but she ignores it)

Alex: how is Hunt by the way?

Cristina: how would I know? He was fine this morning. I met him in a hallway and he told me he had a case. Why do you ask?

Alex: as his case turned out to be a ticking bomb (Cristina's mouth opens in shock) Not in the proper sense…

Cristina: what sense do you give it?

Alex: the patient is a six months old involved in a car accident. Nothing bad. But he has a malformation to the left hand and Hunt paged us for a consult. The problem is that the father is a piece of ass who nearly punched him.

Meredith: why?

Alex: as the wife is pregnant again and he doesn't want another kid if he has problems. Sloan had to get that man off Hunt (Cristina is going to stand up) He should be in a meeting with the chief now. Eat your crap (she sits down)

Meredith: Derek has a tough case…

Cristina: he does cases now?

Meredith: his old New York chief has a bilateral glioma.

Alex: God bless him

Meredith: I left him breaking his brain on how to get it out.

Cristina: I don't think he should beat himself on impossible cases

Meredith: I think he wants to use the method… the trial… and I'm working with him today. It feels good.

Cristina: so you made up…

Meredith: we did. And now you can tell me what you meant this morning

Cristina: when?

Meredith: when you implied I should propose to Derek before he runs for the hills (Cristina sets her fork on the plate and chews looking at Meredith. She then takes a look at Alex too) Why are you looking at each other?

Alex: we aren't

Meredith: you are. And you were even telling me this morning about hospital gossips… So let me laugh, tell me what they were about (she bites her sandwich. Her face drops when Alex keeps silent) That bad?

Alex: it's useless crap, Mer. Just keep in mind what I told you

Meredith: not to get screwed by… (she lowers her voice) you know who? I really hoped you didn't need any reassurance about that

Cristina: it's just on you (Meredith shakes her head and puts her sandwich down)

Meredith: I just can't believe it… This… this reminds me of when Derek called me a whore

Lexie: he did what? (Meredith turns around to see her sister behind her. Lexie shakes her head and goes away. Meredith looks at Cristina and Alex)

Meredith: what's wrong with her?

Cristina: I guess hospital gossip affected her a lot

Meredith: so everyone is talking behind my back?

Cristina: just the ones who saw McSneaky trying to get into your pants. Lexie heard things…

Meredith: what things?

Alex: which happened long ago. But she didn't know.

Meredith: so now she thinks I'm going to sleep around soon?

Cristina: she doesn't. But as I said Mer… it's up to you to destroy gossips at their beginning (Meredith's pager beeps and she looks at it)

Meredith: it's the trial's patient. I need to go.

* * *

Richard enters the conference room Derek is sitting at. He leans at the desk looking at his notes. Derek raises his eyes to acknowledge his presence.

Derek: how is he?

Richard: three minutes ago he was telling Meredith embarrassing stories about your internship

Derek: good… if this can keep his moral high, I can live with Meredith teasing me (he goes back writing and then he stops stroking his eyes)

Richard: how is it going here?

Derek: I don't know… (Richard folds his arms on his chest) I don't know if I'm fooling myself but… I think the second glioma, the new one, could be not malignant. This could give us a chance.

Richard: how?

Derek: we could treat the tumor with the trial method… If he survives the surgery… he could treat the benignant mass with antibiotics back home

Richard: it does sound as a good plan (Derek breaths out)

Derek: it would be… But to make sure the glioma is not malignant, I need to make a biopsy. Today… tomorrow at last

Richard: and you don't feel to…

Derek: it's not that… A biopsy in a brain with two separated masses… it's like trying to stuck a bicycle in a Smart.

Richard: but you can do it. And you would recommend it. Let him decide.

Derek: you assume too much, Richard. It's not that simple. I haven't been in surgery for months. Brad gave me painkillers to cure an hematoma who could cause tremors. I'm sorry if I don't look so enthusiastic.

Richard: you don't get to be enthusiastic about opening a friend's head. But you could get enthusiastic about the fact he could have a chance, a real chance to survive. That's why he is here.

Derek: I wouldn't feel relieved if I blew his brain with a needle during a simple biopsy (Richard breaths out and Derek plays with his pen)

Richard: do you know what Fletcher told me about you, the second month of your internship?

Derek: no

Richard: he told me you would have achieved greatness.

Derek: please…

Richard: he told me he expected you to become a top-notch. And do you know why? (Derek strokes his eyes) As you saw things. You foresaw things in the OR before they happened. And that gave you… gives you a skill that you don't learn in Ors… despite the hours… the days you spent in them… you don't learn instinct. You have it or not. And you do.

Derek: right…

Richard: I didn't want you back as you may win… you may have won Harper Avery. I wanted you back for the same reason I wanted you back last year. You are one of the best. The best, maybe. You do mistakes… everyone does. But not everyone can put the surgeries you did under his belt. You always go forward, you risk. And not as you like it.

Derek: so now you're pushing me to go ahead? With Peter?

Richard: I'm just telling you not to stop as it's Peter. Think straight. Is the chance to try worth to take? (Derek arranges his papers, he takes them and goes)

* * *

Arizona, Mark and Owen are back with Steven's parents.

Arizona: the CT didn't show anything. Steven is perfectly fine as dr. Hunt diagnosed in his first visit.

Woman: good… (she kisses her son's forehead)

Mark: I also took the initiative to run some test in his hand. The two fingers are not lacking completely. The bone just didn't grow as it should have. But we could fix it.

Woman: how?

Mark: baby's bone are not like ours… They are flexible, they can be lengthened till the kid is 1 year old… Then they start calcifying and growing in a different way. But for now… we could try to make his fingers normal with surgery

Woman: ok but… who would pay for it? Our insurance?

Mark: we should work on it… Insurances are not oriented to what they consider extreme surgery. But this is everything but extreme. Our legal office would arrange things for you.

Woman: is it risky?

Mark: it's surgery. There would be anesthesia and there could be complications in the while but… I have a high rate of success with bone reconstruction. I'm optimist. And both Dr. Robbins and Hunt would be assisting all the time to give help in case of need.

Man: no (all faces address to him)

Woman: Ed?

Man: I say no.

Arizona: do you get that it's for your son's well being? We could give him his fingers back. And a normal life. The chance to write, to play the sport he wishes.

Man: I don't care. I won't let that so called doctor come close to my son again (he points to Owen, Mark's and Arizona's faces drop)

Owen: so you're jeopardizing your son's life as you don't like me?

Man: I'm saying no to a mercenary who came back from war to play the hero. Are you even suitable to be a doctor in the real world? (Mark and Arizona looks down to their feet. Owen's face is a mask of disbelief)

Owen: what if I didn't take part in it?

Man: I would sign the forms even now (Owen turns around and takes the baby's chart. He takes a form out and gives it to the man)

Owen: do it (he leaves the room)

* * *

Teddy is leaving the hospital. She hears footsteps behind her and looks back to find Andrew.

Teddy: hey… did you wait for me?

Andrew: yes. I got busy in some stuff and I spent here the whole day

Teddy: oh…

Andrew: your surgery?

Teddy: it went good. Patient is in the ICU eating ice cream.

Andrew: you spoil them

Teddy: chocolate ice cream

Andrew: stop…

Teddy: what?

Andrew: if you go on I'll feel envious of a man who endured heart surgery today. And not for one thing… (he snakes an arm around her waist and pulls her closer. She smiles closing her arm around his neck)

Teddy: that's to say?

Andrew: first I'd be jealous as he's actually eating my favorite flavor (he kisses her). Secondly you touched his heart today (he deepens the kiss)

Teddy: you find it good?

Andrew: yes… seekers keepers

Teddy: what?

Andrew: who finds keeps… don't you know?

Teddy: well… I heard about it in Africa but… how does it fit with me?

Andrew: it's so simple… you found his heart… It's yours now.

Teddy: oh (they share a longing look)

Andrew: you're dropping all my romantic lines… you know that?

Teddy: I'm sorry… I didn't mean to be so prosaic. What can I do?

Andrew: moving with me to Germany would be perfect (he kisses her) but I know I need to let you time to figure it out.

Teddy: so?

Andrew: dinner… dinner would be fine

Teddy: let's go eat then (they interlock their hands and walk towards the exit. Just after the exit they meet Bailey who is talking at the phone. She looks at Andrew bewildered but the couple walks away)

* * *

_Fasten your sit belt tightly. Smile to the person close to you. It helps when the run begins._

* * *

Derek and Richard walk into Peter's room. He is there with his wife, Meredith and Brad. Meredith is giggling wildly and Derek stops right after the door

Peter: there he is… I have to say you hit the jackpot with this girl

Derek: I know. That's why I would be grateful if you didn't scare her with stupid anecdotes about my youth

Meredith: you were not so young (she giggles again)

Derek: seriously… what did you tell her? (he meets Peter's eyes and the man grins at him) Come on… did you tell her about Randy Tay?

Peter: it's a funny story

Derek: it's an humiliating story

Richard: I don't remember it

Derek: Richard… please (he strokes his forehead while Meredith keeps laughing)

Peter: it was a little blow we gave to his big… over sized ego. He was gloating on his nickname and we decided to give him a lesson. I sent him into a patient's room, Randy Tay's room. And he was all smiling and dreamy like you say here. You had to see his face when he realized, feeling hairs on the wrist, that Randy wasn't a shy and polite woman but a trans... a man. He ran out from the room top speed (they all laugh and Derek rolls his eyes and the laughs cease)… Ok… After this light moment… pronounce it (Derek swallows). Come on Derek… I have already heard it a lot of times. Hearing from you I'm gonna die won't make it worse (Richard's stare is on Derek)

Derek: I don't want to give any of you illusions… but before pronouncing… I'd like to make a biopsy

Peter: why?

Derek: as the left glioma could be benign

Brad: how can you say it? (Derek gives him a cold stare before looking back at Peter)

Derek: as the first one is malignant

Brad: so the chances of a patient getting two malignant gliomas are too low? It sounds pretty lame to me.

Richard: dr. Brad…

Derek: no Richard, it's fine. I'm here to explain everything and fade doubts. What are the effects of a glioma in a brain? (Brad giggles)

Brad: are you really going to play the doctor with me?

Derek: no, you're not the subject I want to play to. But as long as you can ask me out of professional curiosity what I felt when a man stuck a knife in my spine… I guess I can ask you about a glioma. Can't I? (Richard breaths out, all the present share worried look and focus on Brad)

Brad: fine… a glioma eats the vessels and the blood supplies.

Derek: right. The second glioma appeared no longer than 10 days ago. Was it malignant, it's my opinion you would be dead already. The first one is really extended… But I need a confirm

Peter: what for?

Derek: if we have to deal with just a tumor, we could try with the trial method. The second could be defeated with antibiotics.

Amy: are you saying the glioma would become operable?

Derek: we could try

Brad: why not just operate with the method?

Derek: blindly? If both tumors were malignant, he'd die.

Brad: why?

Derek: the virus aggresses abnormal tissues. But the injection it's located. We would aggress one and not the other. And the untouched one would grow exponentially in hours. It will have free space to grow with the other shrinking. You'd be dead in hours.

Peter: so?

Derek: I'd try the biopsy

Brad: with two masses? Can you even make the withdrawal in that mess?

Derek: I think so

Brad: Peter… I don't think…

Peter: shut up, Brad. Which is the rate?

Derek: I don't do numbers

Peter: you do them when they're good. Come on, Derek. You want to convince me to let you open my head twice, the first one with me awake. Just give me a rate…

Derek: I give you 10… 15 maybe (Amy starts to cry)

Richard: it's better than nothing, Pete

Peter: less than living some month with my wife.

Derek: and never get to know your niece.

Peter: how much time do I have to decide? (Derek swallows)

Derek: half an hour

Brad: what? That's insane… Why this rush? (Derek ignores Brad and talks to Peter)

Derek: your tests show that the risk of seizures is very high. If you seized now… I don't know if we could take you back.

Peter: so the biopsy would be tonight…

Derek: yes.

Peter: I don't think I'm ready to…

Amy: Peter… (her eyes are glistering with tears)

Derek: could you please give us two minutes? (Meredith goes out and Amy too)

Brad: Chief…

Richard: let's wait out (Brad silences and they go out)

Peter: I asked you not to give her hopes.

Derek: you asked me not to give her false hopes. I didn't. I told you my opinion. I didn't say you're going surely to be fine.

Peter: no. Your draw wasn't that exiting…

Derek: it's my best

Peter: and I appreciate it. But Derek… I could even die during the biopsy. If you touch a vessel…

Derek: I'd kill you. Don't you think I'm aware of that?

Peter: it's not your skills I doubt

Derek: that's a start, a really good one. But I do. As after two months I'd have chosen a different procedure to warm my hands. Do you think Brad could do it? (Peter laughs)

Peter: please… I wouldn't let Brad cure my flu. Remind me to thank Webber as, thanks to him, New York lost an ass.

Derek: that bad?

Peter: I trust you, Derek. Really. I realized your potentialities as soon as I laid my eyes on you. But this…

Derek: this is entrusting me with your life. And It's much, I know (he stops on the door). But Chief saving is one of my specialties. Richard made it through.

Peter: that doesn't count

Derek: why not?

Peter: you were younger.

Derek: but I already was with Meredith (they share a smile) Let me know. I will respect you anyway (he leaves and Peter leans on the pillow)

* * *

_The rollercoaster starts going high and you wonder why you decided to ride it._

* * *

Richard approaches Derek at a nurses station.

Richard: he said yes, Derek (Richard reads indecision in Sheperd's eyes)

Derek: ok

Richard: OR1, an hour. I have already informed Meredith (he goes away patting his shoulder)

* * *

_That moment… the choice looks really lame_

_And it gets worse when the train looses the brakes and you speed down… without control_

_Some call it adrenaline…_

* * *

Cristina sees Owen out of the resident lounge and she gets closer.

Cristina: hey… where you waiting for me?

Owen: yes. I haven't seen you the whole day…

Cristina: I was in surgery this morning.

Owen: I know.

Cristina: how did you case go?

Owen: medically speaking good. Sloan will make the surgery tomorrow.

Cristina: the father gave his approval…

Owen: at the condition I won't be in the OR

Cristina: what? How can he even ask that?

Owen: apparently he hates me. But the baby will get the surgery and that's what counts the most (he gives her a small, sad smile)

Cristina: doyouwantahug?

Owen: excuse me?

Cristina: do you want me to hug you? (his smile widens and they hug)

* * *

_It rushes in your veins and you feel free._

_But then excitement becomes fear. _

* * *

Lexie enters the locker room and finds Meredith sitting on a bench adjusting her hair. She swallows and goes to her cubby.

Meredith: hey

Lexie: hey

Meredith: I'm gonna be late tonight. Derek and I have a biopsy to make

Lexie: ok… (she doesn't turn to look at her and Meredith eyes her frowning)

Meredith: are you mad at me?

Lexie: no

Meredith: but you won't look at me… (Lexie leans her forehead on the cubby) What did they tell you?

Lexie: nothing

Meredith: if it's nothing talk (Lexie turns around and Meredith realizes she's crying)

Lexie: I… I thought I knew you. I thought (she wipes away her tears) we were close.

Meredith: we are close, Lexie. What's this about? (Lexie sniffles) They told you about my sleepovers… (Lexie nods). Things are not like they look like…

Lexie: oh no? And how are these things? When you call someone a… (Meredith makes a step back)

Meredith: a whore… that's what you're saying? (Lexie turns around again) I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be a worthy sister (she storms out of the room crying herself. She exits the door and Derek is there. A frown appears on his face when he notices the tears. She is almost running but he stops her way)

Derek: Mer…

Meredith: move Derek.

Derek: what's going on?

Meredith: apparently a whore stays a whore (their eyes lock and Derek notices Mer's sadness) It doesn't matter… anything matters. We can live together… we can have a kid… I can perform surgeries and head clinical trials but still… they are going to call me a whore forever (Lexie appears on the door and Derek sees her)

* * *

_As the run leads you as low as you've never been._

* * *

Derek: come with me (he pulls Meredith in the locker room again), the both of you (Lexie turns around breathing out). What happened? (Lexie folds her arms on her chest)

Meredith: she heard old stories about me. She heard you called me a whore…

Derek: Lexie?

Lexie: I'm sorry, ok? I overheard nurses this morning and they were saying a lot of things, things anyone ever told me about. I think it's normal being upset

Derek: it is. But not to your sister

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: they're right. I called her a whore (Lexie's jaw tightens) as after I dumped her, I couldn't brace the idea she was starting to build a new life. Without me. I was jealous. And I said things. Awful things. It's me you should be mad at.

Lexie: I'm not mad at any of you

Derek: what then?

Lexie: it's just… why don't I know anything of this? (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: really? You expected me to tell you: hey Lexie, you know what? After Derek broke my heart I spent my night drinking straight tequila and bringing random men in my bed. I even broke a penis once. But that was before I slept with George and then become an adulterous bitch fucking Derek in a supply closet. Really? Do you think that was the presentation I wanted to give to my freaking perfect little sister? (Meredith sits on the bench while Derek looks worriedly at them both)

* * *

_It turns… it spins… it squeeze your gut until you feel like you're in hell._

_And you wish you could die. Or simply raise a hand and say: let me get the hell down of here_

* * *

Lexie: I slept with the postman… when I was in college (both Meredith and Derek look at her, Meredith's is stunned)

Meredith: what?

Lexie: I was home from college… I had pretended to have the flu as I had a crush for the postman. I told dad to go to the pharmacy to buy my treatments at the hour he was expected to come. And I made him. In the backyard (she closes her eyes). Well… technically he made me… and…

Meredith: enough (Lexie looks up to see Meredith's face disappointed) I prefer to consider you shiny and perfect Lexie rather than horny screwing Lexie.

Lexie: I'm sorry… I wasn't judging you… I just thought…

Meredith: don't think, Lexie. It's better (Derek's pager beeps and they leave)

* * *

_But if you just close your eyes for the moment and survive the shaking… you can start to go up._

* * *

Derek enters the OR, his hands in front of him… He approaches Peter who is sitting, his head stretched to the chair.

Derek: beautiful day to save lives…

Peter: you still say that?

Meredith: he always does. But nobody knows why.

Peter: well… if I survive I promise I'll tell you, ok?

Meredith: I count on that

* * *

_Better close your eyes or keep it wide open?_

_It depends on you._

_Is it better to focus on happy remembers which live in our heads or try to find out if the sky is really so blue after all?_

* * *

Derek is looking at a monitor to start to follow the path through Peter's brain. He feels a pressure on his side and looks at Meredith quickly.

Derek: what?

Meredith: nothing… I… (her face is doubtful)

Derek: what? You elbowed me

Meredith: I didn't

Derek: Dr. Grey… seriously. I'm going to stick my hands in his head (he turns to look at the patient again and he feels a new pressure) What… (he turns around but sees Meredith's hands high in front of her, her face a mix of surprise and worry. The only part of her touching him her belly) Oh my God…

Meredith: oh my… (Derek feels another pressure and he starts laughing)

Derek: Meredith…

Meredith: what the hell are you laughing at?

Derek: it's the baby! She's kicking! (all the nurses share smiles and seem to participate to their excitement)

* * *

_The sky can be so bright if you can survive the rollercoaster._

* * *

Peter: well… it looks like Little Sheperd's already bossying you around, Derek… (Derek closes his eyes and breaths in deeply, a tear runs down his face. He opens his eyes and breaths out violently)

Derek: needle, please (the nurse handles him the needle)

Peter: hey… have you stopped crying at least?

Derek: relax, Peter. I'm going to take you with me to the very high (he follows the images on the screen to enter the brain. He has to correct the angle of penetration sometimes). How are you doing?

Peter: alive

Derek: that's what you have to do

Peter: I… mm (Meredith looks at the screen and sees Derek is really close to the cerebral artery)

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: I know (monitors beep to signal a heart rate quicker than usual). Hold on, Peter. I'm almost there (he changes direction once more) Here I am… (he pulls the plunger and quickly extracts the needle. From the gallery Richard, Bailey and Brad are following the procedure)

Brad: that son of a bitch did it…

Richard: did you have doubts? (he smiles at Miranda)

Miranda: Mc Dreamy is back

Derek: I'm done, Peter (monitors stop beeping and Derek turns around the chair to meet his friend's eyes). Are you ok?

Peter: yes… Just stop looking inside my head and stealing my ideas. Close me up (Derek smiles at him under the mask)

Derek: yes sir (he gains the position behind the patient and Meredith gets closer)

Meredith: Mc Peanut is expressing all her happiness to you (she leans on him so that he can feel the little kicks the baby is giving her)

Derek: thanks… to the both of you (he kisses her on the lips through their masks)

* * *

_As… after all the upside down… it brings you higher than you would have never thought possible._

* * *

Peter: Sheperd… focus please

* * *

_And even wished._


	30. BLIND FAITH

Here I am. Read and review!

Just one thing: it's not that Mer's friends are judging her. They are by her side. But she is living on shadows, not realizing the potential threat Brad is. That's why they blame her.

Let me know...

* * *

_Blind faith_

* * *

_I took part to a study at med school. It was about how thinking positive helps you doing positive._

_You want to succeed and you do it._

_You want to get a guy and he offers you dinner the evening later._

_Think of what you want strongly and you'll get it. That's the idea._

_Trust leads to certainty._

_I tried it for a week and then… well… I realized I had wasted ten hours of my leisure time_

* * *

Teddy and Cristina are in the OR. The heart monitor is beeping continuously and they are all still.

Cristina: crap

Teddy: time of death 8.12 (she takes off her glasses and the light). Let's close him… (Cristina's eyes focus on her) His family will want to say goodbye (she goes out and Cristina starts to sew the man's body)

Cristina: you don't need to stay here, 2. You can go if you want (she is working on the patient)

Steve: it's fine. I can stay here. If you let me… (Cristina looks at him for a moment and just nods)

Cristina: will you give me more string, please?

Steve: sure dr. Yang (he handles her what required but she doesn't take it). Dr. Yang…

Cristina: call Dr. Altman back please…

Steve: what? Why?

Cristina: go take her back, 2 (her voice is commanding and her intern leaves the OR)

* * *

Arizona, Mark and Alex are walking down the corridors to the OR.

Arizona: so we agreed?

Mark: a hundred times, Robbins. You'll put him under, you'll check everything is fine and then I'll come in the game.

Arizona: ok… I just wanted to say it once more (she smiles at him and Mark shakes his head)

Alex: what about Hunt?

Arizona: he'll be in the OR but he won't touch the baby

Alex: why?

Mark: as the despicable man got to be in the gallery

Alex: what? And who will help you?

Arizona: Adamson

Alex: by herself?

Mark: you are all assigned residents. You can lead a surgery, Karev. She can do it too. And it's better Hunt stays put. The man is unpredictable and the chief doesn't want a scene. Not another one (they arrive in front of the board and Richard is there waiting for them)

Richard: doctors…

Arizona: chief

Richard: everything is ready?

Arizona: yes sir. Adamson is taking him up to prep him with my intern.

Richard: good. Where's Hunt? (Owen appears from the corner, his scrub cap already on his head)

Owen: here (Richard swallows)

Richard: good.

Mark: I go in to check everything is ready

Alex: I come too (they nod to the chief and go, Arizona smiles and leaves too to the OR)

Owen: well… (he looks around) the last but not the least (he makes a step to the door)

Richard: dr. Hunt… (he turns back)

Owen: yes chief?

Richard: I wanted to tell you have my complete support in this story. Yesterday I yelled and… I realized you could have misunderstood my words. That man is unreasonable. He insulted you careless and you didn't react. You stayed focused on your patient and his interest. I know it costs you a lot to be there without doing anything and… I've really appreciated your self control.

Hunt: thanks chief (his lips twitch in a light smile but it immediately fades away where Steve's dad arrives behind the chief). I go to see if Adamson is ready to go (he leaves and Richard turns to see the man)

Richard: good morning, Mr. Dean (he point to the stairs leading to the gallery) This way, please (they go)

* * *

The sliding door of Cristina's OR opens and Teddy enters followed by Steve.

Teddy: why did you page my back, Dr. Yang?

Cristina: I thought you should see this (Teddy sees that Cristina hasn't started to close the patient up. She gets closer and looks inside the cavity)

Teddy: what the hell…

Cristina: blood is black jelly. I thought it was a knot at first. I tried to take it now but it never ended and… I got all the blood was like that. What happened?

Teddy: I don't know. It was normal during surgery. It seems like when the oxygen stopped flowing the blood became like that.

Cristina: what do we do?

Teddy: we page Webber. And we are probably going to have an autopsy to make today.

Steve: autopsy? Why? I mean… he had a stroke… it was a natural death… Maybe he had a congenital disease

Cristina: do you know congenital diseases which turn blood into pudding, 2?

Steve: no, but…

Cristina: shut the hell up, then. This guy was 23. He went out jogging and never came back. I think we can spend two hours trying to figure out what happened. Go and look for the chief. Can you do that without getting lost? (Steve breaths out and leaves, Teddy eyes her) That guy unnerves me. He always talks without thinking. He wouldn't be a bad doctor… he has good hands… but he can't connect his brain to his mouth (Steve comes back without Richard and Cristina looks at him). Seriously… did you get lost? Where's Webber?

Steve: he says he can't leave the gallery of OR2. He told me to tell you to use the phone.

Teddy: ok (she goes near the exit door and takes the phone. She dials a number) It's me, chief. We lost a patient in surgery this morning. Male, 23 years old. Heart attack while jogging. Yang called me back as the blood has blackened and coagulated. I think we should make surveys. Oh… ok. No, if you don't need the OR I can keep the body here and wait till you're available. Ok, then. Ok. But what about his parents? What do I have to tell them if they come here? Ok…. Ok… Thanks sir (she hangs the phone)

Cristina: so?

Teddy: he can't come here. We're going to wait till Sloan's procedure is over (she pulls gloves off). He also told me not to say anything to the parents till we don't decide what to do (she gets closer the table)

Cristina: so if they are already here we shouldn't say their son is dead?

Teddy: yes. Till the chief won't come here, we'll do like this.

Cristina: can I go out though?

Teddy: of course. You have… (she looks at her clock) let's say an hour (Cristina goes away)

* * *

Derek is leaning at a nurses station reading a chart. Bailey comes out of the toilet and gets closer.

Bailey: dr. Sheperd… (he looks up and smiles to her)

Derek: Dr. Bailey… you know… it's a long time you didn't call me that. It sounds good.

Bailey: I guess it does. It's like bicycling…

Derek: what?

Bailey: surgery. After two months of inactivity you did go in there and drove a difficult procedure like it was nothing. Brad couldn't believe his eyes (Derek is back to his chart). And how do you feel?

Derek: about what?

Bailey: about yourself… You look tensed. And, as all surgeons whose muscles are tensed during surgery, you must be sore today (he breaths out). Derek… (he giggles)

Derek: you are back at Derek me… You scold me more than my mother (he sets the pen in his pocket and looks at her). I'm not that bad. I'm a little sore, my back hurts a little. But not too much.

Bailey: did you take your pills? (Derek looks around and sees nurses around them. Bailey sees them too and starts rambling) Back pills… not blue pills. Painkillers… that's what I meant

Derek: I did. Thanks for sharing, by the way (she takes her notes and goes away. Brad arrives near Derek)

Brad: dr. Sheperd…

Derek: dr. Brad…

Brad: Richard asked me to check on Peter this night.

Derek: I know, I found his note

Brad: he looks fine. Some headache, nothing too bad.

Derek: I know, I stopped by coming in (he leans on the nurses station looking for a bottle of water)

Brad: do you plan to make the second surgery today?

Derek: no. I think tomorrow but I need to see how he recovers from the biopsy.

Brad: can I be on the case? (Derek looks at him searching his face) Come on… are you still pissed for that stupid thing I asked you? I didn't mean to embarrass you or anything. I'm just someone who can't keep his mouth shut.

Derek: I got that. I haven't only understood if you are just inappropriate or inept. Both ways, I don't like you (he looks at him to meet his eyes). We are colleagues, though. You know Peter and you can help. Meet me and Meredith in the lab later, we are going to prepare and test the virus (he leaves)

* * *

Cristina exits the OR and pulls away her scrub cap. She walks tiredly. Meredith sees her from behind.

Meredith: Cristina! (she turns around and Meredith realizes she looks hollow) Hey… were you in surgery?

Cristina: yes. And I have to go back in a while. I just needed some air (Meredith looks at her, a frown on her face)

Meredith: you left the OR?

Cristina: yes. But it doesn't matter as the guy is dead.

Meredith: oh… I'm sorry.

Cristina: me too. He was 23 and his heart exploded like a bomb while jogging.

Meredith: crap… I just don't get why all these people wake up and go running while they could stay in bed and sleeping… They haven't check ups and just run. Don't they have someone to stay with?

Cristina: we did that too

Meredith: what?

Cristina: the jog thing

Meredith: you did it. I just wanted to keep you company. And we really looked like two lame ass losers.

Cristina: your patient?

Meredith: his recovery from the biopsy is going good, considering he's 65. He should have the trial's surgery tomorrow.

Cristina: so you're going to work with Derek today?

Meredith: of course

Cristina: promise you won't end up naked to celebrate McPeanut's first kicks (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: of course I won't. Bailey sent Little Derek in sick leave.

Cristina: as you would care (they have just walked in front of a nurses station and Meredith hears her name called)

Nurse: dr. Grey! (she turns around)

Meredith: yes?

Nurse: this guy is looking for you (Meredith sees a bell boy with a bunch of flowers who comes close to her. She looks at him frowning)

Guy: are you Meredith Grey?

Meredith: y… yes (the guy handles her a pen and points out a line on a paper. She signs and the guy gives her the flowers, she looks at it looking for a note or something) No card?

Guy: no. Bye (he goes away and Meredith looks at the flowers stunned)

Cristina: now I know you'll end up naked (Meredith looks at her and she is grinning)

Meredith: shut up

Cristina: you know… I have to give him credit. He gets to use his brain every time and then (they walk away)

* * *

In the OR Steve's surgery has began from 1 hour.

Arizona: look at those bones… They exist but never grew up (Reed and Alex are near the patient, the teachers one step back)

Sloan: ok… Karev, how do we proceed?

Alex: first we need to completely free the bones. Cut the flesh, cut the tendons and everything

Sloan: ok… the two of you can do it (they both look up in surprise). Don't look at me like that. It's a simple procedure that you can handle. And then (he takes a short look to the gallery where Ed is sitting with the chief) if something goes wrong… it is not me he will be looking for

Reed: but us?

Sloan: no… Not you. You're a woman. Even despicable man don't hurt defenseless women. Karev on the contrary… (Karev looks at him and then laughs, Arizona and Reed looking at him. Mark laughs too. The two residents go back working)

Mark: I was joking!

Arizona: oh…

Mark: Robbins… I know you have a poor sense of humor but Hunt… (Owen is leaning at the wall leading to the scrub room) I thought you kept your resident high in moral (Owen laughs)

Reed: he does but … not like this

Mark: and how then?

Reed: not giving the impression he would sell me away

Mark: I wouldn't… Well… enough. You don't deserve this, I'm a misunderstood.

Arizona: or maybe you don't understand the others. Or yourself. Maybe the both.

Mark: maybe the world. But there's one thing I comprehend: this kid is going to have a new hand (they all look at the baby's hand). And it's because I ruled tests against the subject's wishes. I defeated threats.

Arizona: you just can't drop it, can you?

Mark: drop what?

Arizona: your insecurity

Mark: my what?

Arizona: you are a cat. You dress like a tiger but you are a cat. You're good to patients, sweat even. But you fake superiority and insensitivity. It's your mask. As you're scared to show who you are and suffer. But… catty Mark Sloan is longer better than tiger. So drop these stupid jokes (she goes back to look at the patient) Oh… you will help me updating the despicable man. Just in case he wants to hit me…

In the gallery Richard and Ed are looking at the surgery.

Ed: why is it taking so long?

Richard: it's surgery, mr. Dean. It requires mastery and time.

Ed: how much time?

Richard: all that is necessary. You can go to take a coffee if you want…

Ed: no. I'm going to stay here. Make sure you don't break our deal (Richard looks at him and swallows)

Richard: we are not in war, mr. Dean

Ed: no? How do you let war sociopaths work here then?

Richard: Mr. Dean… you… (he stops talking realizing the furious look the man is giving him)

Ed: you don't get to give me lectures. I don't like marines. I don't like militaries. I don't like anything which reminds me of war. And above all I can't deal with another baby with physical deficiencies. It's already unmanageable this way. Do you think I don't love my kid? I do, my wife does. But it's not enough. Love is not enough. It's not enough to pay bills, it's not enough to pay treatments, it's not enough to make my salary enough for my whole family. And I'm not going to apologize to you or to feel guilty as I don't like people who went to far and crappy countries instead of staying home and caring for their loved ones (Richard looks down in the OR without talking)

Richard: I don't know why you feel this way towards veterans and I don't judge you. But let me say this: you didn't have a revenge today. You didn't get an answer. You didn't put your foot down on something. You just had an extraordinary doctor look at your son's surgery rather than performing it. I know very few about dr. Hunt… I don't know how you got all the information you seem to have… but the only thing I know is that he is a great doctor. That's all I care about. And that's all you should have worried about (he sees the doctors starting to close up and Sloan nods at him). They are done (he stands up and the man does too). You can go waiting outside now. They'll come to update you and let you know when you can go see your son.

Ed: I remember the way out (he leaves)

* * *

(Meredith runs to catch the elevator)

Meredith: hold the door, please (someone stops the doors with the hand and Meredith realizes it's Derek. He welcomes her with a smile)

Derek: hey… you shouldn't be running around (the doors close and he kisses her). Besides… McPeanut could get mad and start to let you know who commands now (he sets a hand on her belly stroking it)

Meredith: I do commend. Still.

Derek: you do? (he flashes her a dreamy smile that Meredith reproaches)

Meredith: yes. Till she won't pop out of me and upset our lives, we do command.

Derek: bossy mother, bossy kid. I'll really need help.

Meredith: you can defense yourself, don't worry (she gets closer and kisses him on the lips. A light kiss, then a deeper one)

Derek: have you already forgotten the rules we pointed out together?

Meredith: which rules?

Derek: no flirting, no kissing the attending in the working hours… (he strokes her cheek with his thumb)

Meredith: no. I remembered them. But since you broke them yourself first, I thought I could have a temporary derogation to kiss the delight out of you in here (their eyes lock). Thank you

Derek: what for?

Meredith: it was a small, tender gesture. Cheesy. But I have appreciated it. Even if it won't help you getting laid, I loved it. Now I'm going to turn into professional, rules respecting dr. Grey (she is looking at the floor numbers, hands in her pockets. She turns around to face Derek, his brows arched in a frown). The flowers, Derek… I got it was you.

Derek: flowers?

Meredith: the guy you sent in here with a big, embarrassing bunch of red roses (she notices he looks uncertain). Did you really think it would have taken me more than one second to know it was you? Give me more credit, Derek (she sends him a playful, stern look just realizing he really seems confused). What?

Derek: Mer… Despite how much you liked the flowers, it was not my doing (she looks at him stunned)

Meredith: what? (she sets hands on her hips) Whose than? (she shrugs and Derek is smiling)

Derek: so I have to compete with a secret admirer now?

Meredith: probably some sick patient who's already dead and spent his last money to buy me flowers.

Derek: generous, though

Meredith: yes (the elevator gets to the floor and they go out). Do you go to Fletcher?

Derek: yes. Surgery will be tomorrow. See you in the afternoon to arrange the virus and everything?

Meredith: sure (she bends towards him suggestively) So we can have some time alone in the lab… I used to have really porny thoughts on you in the lab… (she grins but Derek catches her hand)

Derek: cool down, Dr. Grey. Dr. Brad asked me in the case and I said yes. He'll be there too (Meredith pouts)

Meredith: what a shame… Now I have to go to Dr. Wyatt. She used to give me tools not to jump you in the lab…

Derek: tools?

Meredith: psych tools (she nods at him smugly)

Derek: did they work?

Meredith: no (they burst out laughing and she goes away, she turns around keeping smiling). And as you can remember I don't have self control (she finally turns away and leaves)

* * *

Richard enters Teddy's OR. Cristina has come back. He has changed into his scrubs and wears a mask.

Richard: sorry, Sloan's surgery took more than expected. So?

Teddy: take a look yourself (they go close to the corpse laying on the table)

Richard: all the blood is like this?

Cristina: all that we were able to see without cutting.

Teddy: have you ever seen something like that?

Richard: no. Any idea?

Teddy: nothing which could be connected to the patient.

Cristina: but… (all faces turn to her) plumb… plumb pollution can cause knotting.

Richard: do you think this could be his case?

Teddy: we don't know anything about him. Not where he lives… nothing.

Richard: the family?

Cristina: the nurse told me they were coming. Since you told us not to tell anything, I haven't checked out anymore (her pager beeps and she looks at it). They are here… in the waiting area

Richard: Ok. We'll meet them in my office. You'll explain them what happened and then we'll ask the permission to make the autopsy.

Teddy: what if they refuse? I mean… they could say no. If he wasn't sick… it could be very important to know what happened.

Richard: we'll deal with it later. Now… let's just give them the news.

Teddy: ok

Richard: my office, ten minutes (he leaves and Teddy strokes her eyes)

Cristina: are you ok, dr. Altman? (she shakes her head)

Teddy: are you? (her eyes meet Cristina's) I just need to make a phone call (she pulls her scrub cap away and leaves)

* * *

Avery and Bailey are in an empty OR with the new instrument. Bailey is reading instructions while Avery is going around taking a look at the device.

Avery: impressing…

Bailey: isn't it? This machine overcomes all the limits of the human being. It has several arms, hands, even eyes. We're going to have fun.

Avery: it's stunning how it improved… (he is passing a hand on the commands and Bailey look at him). Last device I saw and remember, 10 years ago, looks like prehistory if compared to this.

Bailey: have you seen it already? When you were a kid?

Avery: my grandpa had one in the basement…

Bailey: excuse me?

Avery: he had one in his den. He used to practice in his free days at home. He said that most people undertook the real potentiality of the machine. And even its risks. He wanted to be ready to anything and he had one to exercise on.

Bailey: Avery… I think you don't remember properly. This thing costs over 4 million dollars… Who would buy one just to fill a cellar?

Avery: someone who earns far more than 4 million dollars a year and is obsessed by his career (he gives her a small smile)

Bailey: what does your parent do in life? Are they doctors? (Avery bursts out laughing)

Avery: no. My father didn't risk the medical path with such an bulky first name. He is a broker. His head nearly exploded when I told him I wanted to become a doctor.

Bailey: I guess your grandpa was happy on the contrary…

Avery: yes. But I think it was only the satisfaction I chose medicine over finance. In some way… I preferred him to my father. Such a high for him…

Bailey: well… he looked like a balanced man when he was here. Full of himself… of course. And full of strange ideas but yet… a focused person.

Avery: he is. But he always thinks people will do what he wants. He thinks he can have everything, even what usually can't even be asked. He had a hard blow when Sheperd put him under and denied him the second awake surgery. It was the first no he got in years (he breaths out)

Bailey: my mum wanted me to become a teacher, a school teacher. That's what she did. And what her mother did. And her mother's mother. I was the family black sheep when I announced I would go for surgery.

Avery: they surely took it back after your achievements.

Bailey: no actually. But you know what? (she raises her eyes to meet his) It's a deviation you get when you become a parent. You start to want things from your children. And usually things different from the ones they want. You put a lot of expectations on their shoulders. And always end up crashing them.

Avery: so why doing it?

Bailey: as we can't help it. As it's what our parents did with us. And taught us. But… I learnt this great thing: screw the parents and their wishes. Are you happy with yourself?

Avery: I think I am

Bailey: that's it. Now… take that panel and let's turn this thing on.

* * *

Arizona and Mark are talking to Steve's parents.

Sloan: the surgery went absolutely fine. We could lengthen the bones removing the obstruction. We'll remove the bandages in three days and see if the swelling has decreased.

Ellen: what then?

Arizona: nothing. You could take him home. At this age he won't need to make rehab.

Mark: you'll just have to bring him back in two weeks for a medication. And after two-three months we'll consider a plastic to improve the aesthetic of the hand. But from now on…

Arizona: we can really say he has two perfectly working hands.

Ellen: ok…

Mark: good… so… you can go to see him. Dr. Karev and Adamson will bring you to the room. Remember not to touch the hand. The risk of infections is still really high.

Ellen: ok (she nods and she goes away with her husband. Arizona and Mark stay there standing, stunned. Mark talks in a really high pitched voice)

Mark: thank you, dr. Sloan (Arizona looks at him and smile. She talks with a low, deep voice)

Arizona: and you too, Dr. Robbins.

Mark: what you did for us is great. You changed our son's life. We'll never thank you enough (Callie arrives behind them tapping on her cell. She stops hearing their falsettos and looks at them)

Callie: what are you doing? (they both turn to look at her)

Mark: thanking each other

Arizona: patient's parents didn't do it. We are doing it by ourselves

Callie: it's kind of weird.

Mark: it's not. And it's warming (he leaves and Arizona kisses Callie)

Arizona: but this… this warms me more.

* * *

Derek is in Peter's room. He is checking the machines and then sits on a chair, reading the test results.

Derek: everything looks fine

Peter: had you doubts? (Derek looks at him) Brad took care of me all night. I have to be fine (Derek chuckles) So… my rate goes up after the biopsy or I am still one step from dying? (Derek closes the chart and looks up at him without talking). Ok… still walking on the precipice.

Derek: they are two complicated procedures. We went through the first. But the second isn't less risky. A lot of things could go wrong with the trial. Anyway Meredith will explain you everything today.

Peter: you trust her blindly, don't you?

Derek: she had the idea of this trial… She knows it perfectly.

Peter: good answer. But it's not what I asked you. What happened to your "you" who was literally walking on the moon yesterday? (Derek breaths out) Is this thing stressing you so much? You should give up, then. Maybe you weren't ready to handle all this.

Derek: it's not that. It's stressing, I can deny it. But it would have been even a year ago. I guess I have too many things in my mind. And it all happened so fast that sometimes I feel… I don't know (Peter takes the newspaper he was reading and handles it Derek)

Peter: you have every right to feel like you want. If this was going to happen to me, I really wouldn't be working. The trial is next week… (Derek nods) Do you want to talk about it? (Derek laughs, the sound is bitter though)

Derek: no thank you. I have a shrink to talk to. And my sisters and mother are calling me twice the day to have me talk.

Peter: and Meredith?

Derek: she isn't… she doesn't do much talking. I freaked her out sometimes and she avoids the topic. And it's not like I die for sharing (their eyes meet) I'm fine, Peter.

Peter: you're not. You even look like you're walking around Richard… I've seen shattered looks and heard cut off sentences (Derek is playing with his clock). So? (Derek breaths out, he waits some second to talk)

Derek: do you think… would you use one of your surgeons to get publicity?

Peter: care to explain what you mean?

Derek: would you push one of yours to do something you well know he is not ready for just to get light?

Peter: it depends.

Derek: on what?

Peter: on what are you talking about…

Derek: never mind (he stands up to leave but Peter calls him back when he's already on the door)

Peter: has it something to do with the rumors about Harper – Avery? (Derek is giving his back to him but Peter sees his head falling ahead) Touch down… (Derek turns around raking a hand through his hair) Do you think Richard forced you into saving my life to rush you to success?

Derek: no. He knows you, you're friends. He won't play with your life.

Peter: but you think he will with you?

Derek: he took me back without blinking. He knows I'm in therapy, he knows I have to hide from Bailey all mornings as she wants to track me down with tests and treatments. I resigned in front of everyone out of rage. And he took me back.

Peter: to have you under contract the day you'll raise the cup? (Derek nods resigned) Well… maybe I would do it too. But not with you. And Richard wouldn't do it either.

Derek: why can you be so sure? Things changed… between the two of us… They bettered after but…

Peter: Richard Webber can be many things but one: he is not a stupid. Only a stupid would rush you into surgeries. You know this world, Derek. You had to win Harper Avery for three times in the last years. You didn't as you don't bend to the stupid rules of sucking and kissing in the right places. Now you'll probably win. But if you made one wrong move, one wrong surgery… it would go away. Why do you think Hopkins send me away without even looking at my scans?

Derek: George is a respectable man. He wouldn't do that.

Peter: he did. And it didn't take much effort. All these guys stopped to have medicine as priority a long time ago. They still do because it gives them money and celebrity. But they are not idealist and open hearted anymore. You are. Richard wants you to win Harper Avery, he wants you in SG. He'll never want to screw your career and life. What would happen if I died tomorrow?

Derek: Harper Avery would be the last thing to cross my mind.

Peter: and Richard's too. Differently… he would have told you out of this surgery. He would have kept you sit in your perfect office to do paperwork and writing the speeches you'll have to give. Richard wants you to take your life back. Don't waste your mind around any other idea.

Derek: ok…

Peter: so my rate increases now I am the last hurdle to your award?

Derek: no. It increases as I feel a little better than half an hour ago. You relieved a stone from my stomach. Thank you (his pager beeps and he leaves)

* * *

Webber, Teddy and Cristina are in the chief's office with Joe's parents.

Mom: I don't understand… Where… where is my son? (the air can be cut, Teddy looks on the floor and the chief swallows)

Richard: I'm sorry Mrs. Simmons. We did everything we could but… the damage your heart's son reported was too extensive. He didn't survive the surgery (The woman sets a hand in front of her mouth and starts sobbing closing her eyes, her husband closes an arm around her shoulders)

Dad: can we see him?

Richard: of course. Dr. Altman will take you to him after this meeting (the silence is broken only by the woman's cries)

Teddy: mr. and mrs. Simmons… I know it's a really bad moment… the worst moment ever but… did your son have some diseases or health problem?

Dad: no… not that we know. He has always been a perfectly healthy boy… He played football till last year…

Cristina: why did he stop?

Dad: he just got he was not cut to become a pro and he gave up.

Teddy: so anyone has ever mentioned heart's problems to you or him?

Mom: no… why do you keep asking things to us? You said he had an illness jogging.

Teddy: he did, mrs. Simmons. But he was 23 and in fit. These things are not supposed to happen.

Dad: you're right… they are not (he hugs his wife again and Richard shares a look with Teddy. He clears his throat)

Richard: we noticed something strange after your son's death… (the two raise their eyes to meet his) that's why we're making you questions. To know if there's something which could explain what happened…

Dad: what do you mean? What happened?

Teddy: a strange reaction in his blood. It was full of knots and… we would try to understand the reason

Mum: is it why he died?

Cristina: not directly… I mean… The blood was perfectly normal during surgery. But we can't exclude there was something we could not see, which showed up later.

Dad: so… what?

Richard: with your permission, we'd like to run more tests

Mum: tests… like what?

Teddy: autopsy is the better thing we could do (the woman stands up and leaves, the man strokes his eyes tiredly)

Man: I'm sorry… she…. It's really a bad day…

Teddy: mr. Simmons… you don't need to apologize or anything. We are sorry for your loss. You may think that it's our job but… some cases are tougher than others, this is one of them

Cristina: can I… (she looks at the man and he nods. She goes out looking for the woman.

* * *

Meredith joins Alex, Avery and Reed at lunch. She sits smiling.

Meredith: I have a secret admirer

Reed: really? And how do you know?

Meredith: he sent me flowers this morning.

Reed: cute!

Meredith: I thought it was Derek at first. I mean… who sends flowers to a fat and knocked up woman? Nobody… But he denied. This… leaves the field to many possibilities…

Avery: that's to say?

Meredith: I don't know. It could be a patient I saved (Alex grins)

Alex: not many possibilities then. You didn't save so much people, Mer (she throws a chip at him). Actually I can count them on my hand… (Reed and Avery laugh)

Meredith: you're mean. But it feels good.

Alex: what?

Meredith: to have someone who thinks of me, spends his money to make me gifts without even caring I don't know who he is…

Alex: how can you be sure it's a him?

Meredith: what?

Alex: maybe Sadie misses you …

Meredith: last time I heard of her she was in Malaysia with her boyfriend. You're just gnawing as I still have fans all around and you have no one interested in your poor, decadent ass.

Avery: I have to disagree here (he drinks his water looking at Alex) There are a lot of nurses drooling after him.

Alex: let them drool. I am totally focus on my job.

Meredith: me too. But it's good to my growing ego

Reed: and what does your husband say? Isn't he any jealous?

Alex: I wish I had to work tonight. It's going to be pretty noisy at home (Meredith throws another chip at him)

Meredith: we won't do anything. And you know what? Derek laughed at it. Teasing me as he said it's surely some oldie who spent his last bucks on me. I just wished I knew his identity.

Reed: but this is more funny! It's romantic and then… he probably knows you're off the market. Maybe it's someone you know who feels ashamed of his feelings (Meredith looks at Alex and her smile dies on her lips. Alex's too). What's wrong?

Meredith: nothing… it's… what you said just reminded me of someone who… he could do these things… they were his things…

Reed: maybe they still are (she smiles and her eyes sparkle for curiosity)

Alex: he's dead, Reed. George O'Malley is dead.

Reed: oh… sorry (Meredith gives her a small smile)

Alex: but some unlucky soul still exists. It's comforting to know that. Don't bite the brake, Mer. You see… when you'll discover who he is… you'll be disappointed.

Meredith: that's for sure. I've got Mc Dreamy (she sets a chip in her mouth)

* * *

Owen takes a water bottle from a machine. He drinks it and turns around to go back to work. He stops finding Steve's father in front of him.

Owen: I heard your son is fine.

Ed: it appears he is (Owen walks away leaving him behind). Iraq or Afghanistan? (Owen turns around)

Owen: excuse me?

Ed: you got it. Did you go playing the cowboy in Iraq of Afghanistan? (Owen swallows not answering back) Let me guess… You are too civilized for mountains. I think desert and dust are a lot more like you. Am I wrong?

Owen: what's your problem, mr. Dean?

Ed: I have no problems.

Owen: you look like you have. Maybe you don't share the US military program… but you should at least respect it. And the people who died for it (he turns back leaving but stops hearing Ed laughing)

Ed: you know… it's not the program I don't respect. That's politics. What I don't respect is people like you. You take the chance to go to war places and earn more in those few months than in your whole life. You get hurt and they call you heroes. You cry and you get medals and lifelong privileges of every kind (Owen shakes his head). Do you agree at least with the cause you were fighting for or it was just the salary who brought you in war?

Owen: are you done?

Ed: Why? Do you feel hurt? You wouldn't be. As you know… you spend words like respect… honor and you don't even know what they mean. How can you be offended this way?

Owen: Like you did today. You just came in here after a car crash to give judgments on everything. Didn't you learn any lesson?

Ed: yes. I learnt that it took me one word to have you watch others doing your job. How does it feel?

Owen: it feels bad as I love my job.

Ed: my dad used to love his job too. He spent twenty years of his life in foreign missions. That was everything he had and believed in. He taught me a man is nothing without a weapon, he told me there were rules we had to respect if we wanted to survive. Then he came back on a wheelchair. And I saw him disappear in front of me. No friends. Anyone bothered to call and ask of him. He is a useless man waiting to die. And he became like that as the doctor who was assisting his mission thought to save his ass rather than staying and doing his own, fucked job. I came in yesterday. While I was waiting for you doctors… for the doctors… I read the yearbook and saw your face… dr. Major Hunt… And I started wandering: how much time will it take to him to screw up Steve's life? (Owen shakes his head in disbelief)

Owen: so you acted to me like this? For how a doctor I don't even know acted towards your father? How can you think I would harm your son? This is my job, I took an oath…

Ed: that guy did too

Owen: what happened to your father has nothing to do with Steve or the child on the way

Ed: it has instead. Everyone looks away in front of Steve… I have even lost my job as I needed to take care of him once born. Is this America? I'm not a monster, but I can't stand hypocrites. And I think you are a big one. With a maimed child you learn to see a lot of things. Everyone says things but does anything. If my child was an Iraqi or some random African child, we'll have social services at our knees. This way… nobody cares of a baby with two fingers less than expected.

Owen: I think we cared about him

Ed: you did. That was your were paid for today. Tomorrow… who knows

* * *

Richard enters Peter's room. He is alone, looking outside the window. The sun is still high in the sky. His wife arrives too.

Amy: I'm sorry it took me so long. I went out on a bench. There was a maintenance man cutting the grass and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.

Peter: I love it too… Can I open the window?

Richard: it's cold outside. I don't recommend it, Peter. You need to be perfectly ok for tomorrow.

Peter: yes… tomorrow (he keeps looking outside). I'd really like to smell it…

Amy: you will… Central Park will be blowing with grass and flowers when we go back.

Richard: spring has always been my favorite season to spend in New York.

Amy: I just don't get how you can live here. I went downtown yesterday… I didn't see many green areas and parks.

Richard: that's just because houses have great gardens all around. Everyone has his private park.

Peter: And what about Derek? Did he end on the top of some skyscraper? (Richard laughs)

Richard: he lives in the woods

Peter: you mean he has a big house with a big garden he spends his free days taking care of?

Richard: no. I literally mean he lives in a trailer in the woods (he bends looking out of the window and points in front of him). Do you see that hill over the ocean?

Peter: yes…

Richard: that's his land. He has a trailer in it.

Peter: so Mr. Attic on Central Park moved to a trailer out of nowhere?

Richard: he did. But he didn't tell me immediately. When he came here he told me he had found a nice place in the suburbs and I didn't insist. Six months later I got to know he lived in the woods. Wild and scary woods.

Peter: even?

Richard: he has a lake he fishes trouts in the morning. There are bunnies, chipmunks, deers and even bears.

Peter: not that he would fear them… It looks like he has a become a bear himself. What do you plan to do?

Richard: wait. And not to put further pressure. He uses to put pressure on himself too much already.

Peter: well… I'm not helping by now

Richard: I think work is keeping him upright. That's why I brought him back.

Peter: what if I die, Richard? It would be a failure difficult to recover from. It could be the end.

Richard: I know.

Peter: Dr. Grey explained me the surgery today. I've made note of thirty things which could go wrong.

Richard: ask Derek about them. He worked hard on this trial. I'm sure he could give you really exhaustive explanations. He would relax you.

Peter: I prefer him to be relaxed rather than being it myself. I trust him. I have blind faith in his hands. But sometimes things just happen. I don't want to be the reason of his professional murder (Peter looks at Richard and feels his discomfort). I'm sorry… I didn't think of it.

Richard: never mind. It's not like you think this kind of things could actually happen… We read about shooting, rampages, attacks. But you never think this could happen to you.

Peter: I know. You never think you could get sick either. You see people die, every day, all your life. But it's just a movie. And then… someday… you realize your clock has started to run in reverse, that you have no future left, just memories. It's quite a shocking knowledge, you know. And all the time you spent in the hospital, doing impossible schedules rather than staying home, just feels like spoiled. If I get a chance to live, I'm going to do all the things I've never had time to. I'm going to travel, I want to see the world with my wife.

Richard: it looks like a great plan. It's what Adele always complained about.

Amy: how is she?

Richard: fine. She spends time volunteering. But to win her back, I promised we will take more vacations together.

Peter: and you'll do it?

Richard: sure… after I'll give chief to Derek I'll be free as a bird to fly around (his pager beeps and he looks at the screen). I go now.

Peter: yes, go flight somewhere else.

* * *

Meredith arrives at the lab. With disappointment she sees Derek isn't there yet. She founds Brad on the contrary.

Meredith: dr. Brad

Brad: Dr. Grey… are we early? (she looks at her clock)

Meredith: no. Dr. Sheperd should be here by now.

Brad: I have read the protocol this morning and I was starting to check equipment. Can we do it or do you think we should wait for him?

Meredith: no, I guess we can start (she turns around and takes the list). So we need the standard set of instruments (he takes a tray and sets it in front of her)

Brad: which is here

Meredith: the standard set of drugs

Brad: which is here too… Comfortable way to have surgery, uhm?

Meredith: yes. Ask and get. What a shame it's not always so easy.

Brad: I think it is on the contrary. You should try to put more effort in your wishing.

Meredith: as if I do I'll get what I want?

Brad: of course.

Meredith: does it work for you?

Brad: absolutely. Sooner or later I always gets what I want.

Meredith: I guess you do (she giggles preparing the model of brain to try the injection and Derek walks in)

Derek: good morning. Have you already got started?

Meredith: one minute ago. We have only checked everything is ready.

Derek: ok (he goes close to Meredith). So do you have all your tools, Dr. Grey? (his voice is neutral but she looks up at him and sees dark sparkles in his eyes)

Meredith: absolutely.

Derek: let's put them to test then (Brad feels the tension in the air)

Brad: ok… what… what do you do now? (Derek turns around, two needles in his hands)

Derek: I arranged the virus in the morning. Now we make a simulation (he handles him a needle). Take this… you'll know how it looks like

Brad: ok…

Derek: we'll stick the needles here… (he indicates a point and Brad sets the first) and here (he sets the other one). Then Dr. Grey and I will do the injection (he looks meaningfully at Brad which makes a step aside, Meredith takes Derek's side). We need to be perfectly in sync, remember? (he sends her another stormy, worshiping look Brad notices)

Brad: do you have sounds or something to guide you?

Derek: no. It's just instinct.

Meredith: and practice (they share a look and start simulating the injection. They end at the same moment)

Derek: if your admirer saw this… he would give up the bone, dr. Grey…

Meredith: did you just called me bone, Dr. Sheperd? My secret friend is much kinder than you.

Brad: so it's true…

Meredith: what?

Brad: were all those flowers I have seen ten minutes ago for you?

Meredith: yes

Brad: they were gorgeous. Someone is really taken by you (Derek looks at him with disappointment)

Meredith: wouldn't I know how much… (she takes the needles out) So we're ready

Derek: yes… I'm going to take a look at Peter now. Do you come?

Meredith: sure (she goes away and Derek follows her)

* * *

Cristina is looking for Adam's mom. She has checked every waiting area and toilet on the floor. She passes in front of a closet and hears someone crying. She opens the door and finds the woman sitting on the floor. She sits near her.

Woman: I just want to be alone… please…

Cristina: I know

Woman: no you don't. You wouldn't be here asking me to… (she wipes tears away) to destroy and violate what remains of my son.

Cristina: I'm really sorry Mrs. Simmons… you have to believe me. And it's not easy for us to ask you that… but don't you want to know why your son died?

Woman: what does it change? I mean… knowing or not… he won't come back.

Cristina: no. But it could give answers and prevent someone else to die.

Woman: what do you mean?

Cristina: we really don't know why this happened to him. It's a tragedy… but it could not be a fatality… I know your only concern is your son but… don't you think he would like to know? If this had happened to you…

Woman: he would be here driving you mad with questions. Adam loved studying… he wanted to know the reason of everything. But this… (she starts sobbing again) I need to think it was God who called him… I need to believe there's a reason… and not to know… Give me a reason, dr. Yang. Why should I permit you to make this to him?

Cristina: your son's blood shows something was really wrong with him. You could be in danger, your husband as well. It could be a hereditary disease. But it could also turn out he ate something strange or drank something strange

Woman: Adam was not an alcoholic!

Cristina: I didn't imply that…

Woman: he was a clean guy. He had plenty of friends… even after we moved to Seattle he still heard of our old neighbors… and had already got in touch with new ones…

Cristina: did you change house recently?

Woman: one month more or less… Why?

Cristina: nothing…

Woman: do you think this could matter, don't you?

Cristina: everything could (a cell rings in the silence, the woman looks at the screen)

Woman: it's my husband (she stands up and wipes her eyes). I think I should go back… I just… let him alone (she snuffles). I have to go back (Cristina stands up)

Cristina: this way (they go out and Cristina closes the door)

* * *

Teddy is sitting at Joe's, Joe sets a beer in front of her and she drinks it one go. Joe eyes her frowning.

Teddy: what? I had a bad day. Give me another

Joe: ok, doc (he sets another glass in front of her)

Andrew: do you want to get drunk? (she turns around and smiles at him)

Teddy: that was the idea… (he sits on the stool near her)

Andrew: what do you want to forget?

Teddy: so many things… Today was a really bad day… (he stares at her) I was paged early for a guy with a heart attack and he died. He was 23…

Andrew: I'm sorry

Teddy: the day got even worse when I had to meet the parents to ask them to make an autopsy (she drinks her beer)

Andrew: can I do it better? (she smiles at him again)

Teddy: just stay here, it helps.

Andrew: ok…

Teddy: And don't analyze me. I'm not one of your trauma case.

Andrew: ok

Teddy: and stop saying ok… You make me feel like a fool…

Andrew: ok (they burst out laughing). I succeeded…

Teddy: in what?

Andrew: in making you show me that beautiful smile of yours (she smiles at him again). Did you think about it? (Teddy's face gets serious) My proposal?

Teddy: I…. (seeing her indecision he silences her)

Andrew: it's fine. It was really a bad day (she nods)

Teddy: if you don't have any plan… we could go out for dinner… or go to my place and order in… (her hands strokes his chest)

Andrew: I have just cancelled my last appointment… I'm all yours… (Teddy smiles to him and then kisses him)

Teddy: I go one second to the toilet and then I'll come back…

Andrew: I'll stay right here (she stands up and walks to the toilet. Andrew follows her with his eyes till she disappears behind the door)

Owen: extraordinary woman (Andrew turns around and sees Hunt in front of him, he frowns as they have never been introduced before) Owen Hunt (he stretches his hand) Teddy and I… we were fellow doctors in Iraq (he sits down)

Andrew: yes… she told me about you (he sits too). It's a pleasure to meet you…

Owen: for me too (he looks towards Joe and waves his hand, after some second Joe sets in front of him a glass of scotch. He takes a sip). So you plan to take her away (he turns to look at Andrew and he reads discomfort on his face)

Andrew: I… had an offer in Germany and… (he shrugs. Owen takes another sip of his drink)

Owen: it's a huge step…

Andrew: do you mean for me or for her?

Owen: for the both but… (he looks at Andrew) it's her I'm concerned about. She will be in a foreign country, she won't know the language and anyone. She would be alone.

Andrew: she would be with me

Owen: of course (he drinks all his drink and sets the glass down. Teddy comes back from the toilet)

Teddy: hey (she sees the empty glass). Bad day?

Owen: usual. Baby's surgery went fine (he leans to the counter, Teddy has set an arm around Andrew's shoulders).

Teddy: I heard… he really kept you out. Have you at least known why?

Owen: he hated military doctors

Teddy: what? Why?

Owen: he thinks we are just mercenaries who go to war to have a higher salary and live behind taxpayers' back.

Teddy: wow… Did you punch him?

Owen: no. You know I'm a really patient guy.

Teddy: lucky him. He picked the calm one. I wouldn't have been so nice (Andrew clears his throat)

Andrew: maybe he just had a bad experience or suffered some lost… (Teddy turns to look at him)

Teddy: maybe… that doesn't mean he had a right to insult him and kick him out of his OR.

Andrew: of course not but… people who suffered traumas have real troubles in seeing things in faded colors.

Teddy: what does this mean?

Andrew: it means they usually see them in black and white

Teddy: and?

Andrew: it's not like it is their fault

Teddy: so every time someone suffers for a loss we should make a step back and let them use us as punching balls?

Andrew: it means the wisest makes a step back.

Teddy: it depends on how behind we've already gone…

Andrew: so if you can't find a point of agreement you go to the face-off?

Teddy: what I should I do? Bend down and say: Kick me harder?

Andrew: Teddy…

Teddy: do you know how many times I've been called names as I was in Iraq? People from the place just insulted me as I was American, American insulted me as I was a sanguinary person.

Andrew: you got back indeed…

Teddy: I didn't come back as I was scared. I came back as I really couldn't take any other death. I really thought the massacre would be over then but… it seems like there's always a good reason to blame people (she takes her bag and leaves)

Andrew: Teddy… (he opens his arms but she doesn't look back. He stands up and follows her too)

* * *

Derek is writing some note outside Peter's room. Brad comes closer, he takes a look inside and approaches Derek.

Brad: so everything is ready…

Derek: so it looks like (he talks without looking up)

Brad: is he?

Derek: not he has different choices…

Brad: are you?

Derek: not that I have different choices… (he looks up)

Brad: I meant physically… Any pain? Does the painkiller give you any problem?

Derek: no, Greg. I'm fine.

Brad: good. I'm happy we're breaking the ice, Derek. We're going to work a lot together. Calling each other by name and having more confidence will make us a better team…

Derek: sure…

Brad: There's anything else I can do for you before going home?

Derek: no, thanks (Brad pats his hand on the desk)

Brad: I go then. Tomorrow it's going to be a hard day (he turns around to leave, Derek looks in front of him and then calls him back)

Derek: Greg…

Brad: yes? (he turns around smiling and gets closer)

Derek: to tell the truth there would be something…

Brad: shoot it…

Derek: I would really appreciate if you could stay the hell away from Meredith (Brad face drops)

Brad: excuse me?

Derek: you got it. Aren't you out of the phallic stage yet? Out of the high school pick up lines?

Brad: I don't know what you're talking about

Derek: about the flowers and the secret admirer crap (Brad stays silent). I can be professional with you on work… but I'm not blind. Do not cross the line with me (he closes the chart and Brad takes some second to answer back)

Brad: it's not your line I want to cross (Derek looks up at him and sees defiance in his eyes). And Dr. Grey didn't draw any line. And she doesn't look like she is bothered by my attentions. Besides, she looks flattered.

Derek: you don't even know her (Brad shrugs)

Brad: that's what I'm trying to do here (Derek looks at him, his eyes express rage and astonishment at the same time. Brad folds his arms on his chest). Don't give me that look. I'm not obliging anyone.

Derek: but you are taking advantage on a woman's insecurities and humors.

Brad: wooo (he raises his hands). Slow down, that sounds pretty heavy on me… I'm just trying to pick up a good piece of ass (Derek's jaw hardens). If you feel bad for that, talk to her. She will listen if you care, won't she? Now I really need to go. Thanks for the man to man speech (he leaves).

* * *

_Willpower can do a lot of things… but not everything…_

_So you may wish to find the love of your life… but this doesn't mean you will_

* * *

(Teddy's doorbell rings and she opens, a glass of red wine in her hand. She finds Andrew in front of her)

Teddy: I was going to bed.

Andrew: no dinner or ordering in?

Teddy: I'm really tired (she turns around and goes sitting on the couch. Andy follows her and she sets the glass on the table)

Andrew: what happened?

Teddy: can we not do this?

Andrew: what?

Teddy: over thinking things.

Andrew: what do you want to do? (her eyes meet and Teddy takes his face in her hands, she kisses him forcefully pushing him down on the couch)

* * *

_Your passions can take over …_

_But it's not the same, isn't it?_

* * *

(Cristina enters her home and finds Owen laying on the couch looking straight in front of him.

She sits on his lap kissing his forehead, she leans in the crock of his neck circling his shoulders with both arms)

* * *

_You can't forge people according to your wishes, you can't control their reactions and expectations._

_And you can't either prevent someday something or someone will blow out your perfect life_

* * *

(Derek is going out the hospital, he tenses seeing Brad chatting and giggling with as nurse)

* * *

_What will you do once you see it coming?_

* * *

(Meredith is in her bed reading a book, she drops and smiles rubbing her belly)

* * *

_We all want to have an easy life, we all want live long and healthy._

_But diseases and accidents happen… all the time._

_It's rocket science_

* * *

(Amy is asleep on the chair near her husband's bed. He's stroking her hand, some tear down his face)

* * *

_If I wasn't a doctor I could have faith in something else._

_But I'm a doctor and all I can have faith in is someone else._

_Someone who may want to do something…_

_Someone who dreams of doing something…_

* * *

(Bailey is still in the OR to practice with the new instrument, Richard passes by, he stops smiling seeing her)

* * *

_Still… my life wouldn't be any safer_

* * *

(Derek enters his bedroom and sees Meredith. He smiles closing the door behind his back)

Derek: hey… playing the sore and tired mommy? (he kicks off his shoes and kneels on the bed, crawling towards Meredith)

Meredith: you know… cuddling is one of the perks of being pregnant (they kiss)

Derek: you're becoming really demanding… (he smiles kissing her again)

Meredith: some say wanting is getting… (he giggles rolling off her, falling on his pillow)

Derek: I really would like it so simple (he rakes his hair, his hands resting tiredly on his forehead)

Meredith: are you nervous?

Derek: that's quite an understatement… (his right arm drops on the bed, he bends the other leaning the elbow on his forehead)

Meredith: everything is going to be ok… (she strokes his face)

Derek: how can you be so positive? (he looks at her and she gives him a small, teasing smile)

Meredith: well… wonderful things happened today…

Derek: really? (his brows arch) I didn't realize them…

Meredith: as you were distract (she rolls on one side and kisses him). Someone got me a huge bunch of flowers…

Derek: mm

Meredith: I got to dominate my instincts in the lab thanks to my tools (she draws circles on his mouth with her pinkie). They prevented me to think of your tongue the whole time we were there… Dr. Wyatt would be really proud of me…

Derek: she gave you those tools?

Meredith: yes

Derek: so you spent hours in therapy not to kiss me?

Meredith: exactly…

Derek: she must be pissed your hours proved to be wasted

Meredith: not at all. I can kiss you now (she kisses him quickly)

Derek: really?

Meredith: yes (she kisses him again). But there won't be any more kissing (she retreats). As kissing would bring to sex. And you can't have sex.

Derek: no sex… (he stretches a hand to touch her and she slaps it)

Meredith: not the night before friend's life saving surgery. Let's focus on good things. You need good things. Think positive (he smiles to her and his lips brushes hers. She pushes him down and he strokes his eyes)

Derek: we were saying?

Meredith: day's highlights…

Derek: flowers… tools…

Meredith: and you worked for the first time with Brad… (Derek looks at her) You were… cute together…

Derek: cute?

Meredith: you talked without snapping… Maybe he will be useful for you. He could help you with minor surgeries…

* * *

_Will you tell your loved one how you feel? _

* * *

Derek: maybe… (he looks at her eyes searching for answers, his dialogue with Brad ringing in his ears)

* * *

_No_

* * *

Meredith: you look thoughtful… Is something wrong?

* * *

_As true love just brings to one conclusion._

* * *

Derek: No, just much at stake, Mer… (he bores into her eyes)

* * *

_We can't have certainties…_

* * *

Derek: let's go to sleep now (he kisses her and switches the lamp on the nightstand off. He spoons her)

* * *

_Just blind faith that things, someway, somehow, will work out._

_Trust that what's in our heart will be enough..._

_So... yes... faith and trust_


	31. PROVERBS

_Proverbs_

* * *

_I hate proverbs._

_They are just stupid sentences people use when they're clutching at straws… rambling… I meant rambling…_

_You don't know what to say and you take a proverb out of your hat… well… mind_

_They are pieces of our culture, of our society._

_They are the truth we built by ourselves._

* * *

Derek opens his eyes, he strokes his eyes and realizes Meredith is already up. He tries to stand but a grimace of pain appears on his face and he touches his back, he breaths out closing his eyes. When he opens them he sees his painkillers on the nightstand. He takes a pill and swallows it with a glass of water. Meredith enters the room still in her pajama holding a tray.

Meredith: hey (she kicks the door closed)

Derek: hey… you're up already…

Meredith: I was hungry (she shows him her tongue) and I went downstairs to cook something (she sits on the bed). And I have prepared even your breakfast (she shows him a bowl of milk and cereals)

Derek: did you cook? (a frown appears on his face)

Meredith: all by myself…

Derek: oh… (he keeps serious for a moment and then grins at her) No offense, Mer. But I really can't spend the whole day in the bathroom (her face, from relaxed and smiling, becomes a mask of anger)

Meredith: you… (she takes the newspaper which was folded on the tray and hits him. Derek tries to stop the hit)

Derek: hey!

Meredith: you are an ass. And ungrateful. I woke up to be all nice and wify to you. I wanted to make you breakfast and have you dressed. I wanted to have you relax before the surgery (he is smiling at her outburst)

Derek: Mer… you did great (he kisses him). I was teasing you (he takes a toast and bites it)

Meredith: that would be mine (Derek cleans his mouth with a hand and stops biting. He sets the food on the tray again. He leans to the head board setting a pillow behind his back. A little groan comes from his lips and Meredith looks at him). Are you in pain?

Derek: nothing a good breakfast with my wify wife won't take away (she lays near him)

Meredith: so from killer I've been promoted to living treatment?

Derek: yes. Just a look at your stunning beauty let me touch the sky with a finger (he strokes her cheek and his arm sneaks around her waist, he leans his head to her neck)

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: mmm (he pours in her ear)

Meredith: I'm really sorry to inform you that what you're touching is not the sky, but one of my boobs (Derek looks up, he meets her eyes. Meredith's fake indignation becomes a smile when their eyes meet)

Derek: I hoped to get you distracted (he kisses her neck but she retreats). No sex before friend's surgery… I know (he goes back laying on his side of the bed patting his forehead)

Meredith: why don't you have a relaxing bath? You have time…

Derek: no… I don't… It's not appealing

Meredith: and what appeals you?

Derek: nothing… just staying here with you (he turns around and hides his face under her arm), thinking on nothing (he stretches an arm on her belly) saying hello to my baby (Meredith looks at Derek and then to her belly when she feels a kick)

Meredith: it looks like the two of you have a connection… Every time you say baby, she kicks.

Derek: really?

Meredith: really… (she turns around and takes a book from the nightstand) Even my book says it… (Derek raises his head from the pillow to look at the book and then at Meredith, he smiles). What?

Derek: you really will be a great mum, Mer (he hides his face again)

* * *

Owen enters the hospital alone. He gets to the elevator and Teddy is there waiting.

Owen: good morning (she turns around and smiles to him, she adjusts her bag on her shoulder)

Teddy: hey…

Owen: all right?

Teddy: sure (they smile to each other, the elevator opens and they step in)

Owen: I'm sorry I had you fight with… Andrew yesterday (Teddy looks at him surprised)

Teddy: it wasn't your fault.

Owen: I said that thing about my patient and you started fighting.

Teddy: no. I said that thing on your patient's father and we had a discussion. Not a fight (she diverts her eyes)

Owen: it sounds the same to me.

Teddy: it's not. As we cleared it out (They share a look. Owen realizes she has a hickey on her neck. She follows his eyes and covers the spot with her shirt)

Owen: I see… I'm happy for you.

Teddy: don't lie Owen. You're not.

Owen: what? (his eyes narrow in surprise and he opens his arms)

Teddy: you are not happy for me. And you're just trying to find a nice way to make your point, to tell me something. Do it

Owen: Teddy… how can you think I'm not happy for you? (he goes in front of her but the elevator joins the surgery floor. The door opens and Owen turns around to see Cristina already in her scrubs. He clears his throat and Teddy looks away). Hey… (he makes a step out and Teddy does too)

Cristina: morning (Owen kisses her on the cheek). We are ready dr. Altman… (Teddy looks at her)

Teddy: I'm not. We'll see in the morgue, ok? (she leaves and Cristina follows her with a stunned expression)

Cristina: what did you do to her? (she opens her arms)

Owen: me?

Cristina: yes you, smart boy (she slaps him playfully on the arm) Don't piss my attending. We have already to stay in the morgue all day… I don't need another corpse to interact with (she leaves and Owen stays in front of the elevator)

* * *

Alex enters the nursery wearing a pink coat and finds Mark standing in front of Steve's crib. The doctor is checking the baby's hand.

Mark: it's a great day Karev

Alex: really?

Mark: yes. Steve is fine, the wound is clean and the swelling has decreased impressively.

Alex: it's good. Adamson and I… we rocked.

Mark: yes, you were a good team. Are the two of you a couple? (Alex laughs)

Alex: no, that's why we are a good team.

Mark: why do you say so? Working with your woman should put wings under your feet.

Alex: well… in my case… it just cut by balls. And it's a mistake I will never do again (Mark eyes him)

Mark: mmm… still thinking about Stevens? (Alex breaths out) I can't blame you… she was very good.

Alex: she was… that's it. Can we go back talking about how much Reed and I rocked?

Mark: no. I gave you a compliment. That's enough for a week. Besides… it was the very reason I said it's a wonderful day.

Alex: oh

Mark: today is the day the king is coming back to claim his throne, crown and everything.

Alex: what?

Mark: if today everything goes like I hope, it's really possible we are going to have Mrs. Swanson's surgery soon.

Alex: how? Haven't you dropped it yet?

Mark: officially, I have. But if Derek gets some of his cockiness back today… I think I can convince him.

Alex: that would be good. I'll say a prayer for his patient then.

Mark: well done. Be useful (Arizona enters the nursery with a young, blond, good looking doctor. Alex's attention is captured by her)

Arizona: hey… how is he?

Mark: really good. And your co worker is…

Woman: Lucy Fields, OBG (she shakes his hand and Alex's too)

Arizona: we have to take care of the baby down there so… see you later (they go and Alex follows Lucy with his eyes)

Mark: you'll sever your balls down there… (Alex rolls his eyes)

* * *

Richard and Adele enter the hospital together, hand in hand.

Adele: do you really think it's a good idea?

Richard: I told you… It was Amy who insisted so much…

Adele: yes, but…. He is going to have a live or die surgery. Maybe they just want some time alone…

Richard: they just want to say hello to and old and dear friend. Follow me and stop arguing (they stop in front of the elevator and wait, when it arrives and opens Richard sees Amy in, she looks upset and goes out)

Amy: Richard… thanks God… I was looking for you (Richard's face gets serious and concerned)

Richard: is Peter fine?

Amy: yes…. Well no… He wants to back off from surgery, Richard and I can't… (Richard realizes she's crying. He takes her elbow and leads her to a chair near the entrance)

Richard: sit down

Adele: I'll go and get her some water (she goes away and Richard sits near her stroking her back)

Richard: Amy… calm down… It was probably just an outburst.

Amy: no! No! He has even tried to call Derek but he isn't answering the damned phone

Richard: that's good (Amy looks at him). This way he'll have time to calm down and rethink of it. It's going to be fine (he hugs her, her face resting on his shoulder. Derek comes in with Meredith and sees them. He stops, concerned)

Derek: what's going on here? (Amy looks up and Richard clears his throat. Derek's cell rings and he takes it, frowning reading the caller id. He quickly looks at the two people in front of him and then answers) Peter… (he stops talking listening to the caller) What? No… you can't… (he rakes a hand through his hair listening and even Meredith looks worried) Peter, you're not thinking straight. No… Look, I've just entered the door's hospital. I'll be in your room in two minutes, ok? (he closes the cell breathing out). What the hell happened?

Amy: nothing. I woke up this morning and he said he had changed his mind…

Derek: did someone talk to him or…

Amy: no. Nobody. You need to talk to him, Derek. Please… (he leans a hand on her shoulder in comfort)

Derek: I'm going. I'll do my best.

* * *

Bailey comes out of a OC room yawning and stretching. Callie sees her and smiles.

Callie: good morning (Bailey composes herself quickly)

Bailey: good morning

Callie: did you have a good sleep?

Bailey: yes… not much but… good (Callie gives her a knowing smile, she looks at the door of the OC room waiting for someone to come out. Bailey follows her look) I was in there alone, you curious idiot.

Callie: of course (she pats her on the elbow but Bailey looks even madder) You don't need to lie. It's good you have someone. Finally I'd say.

Bailey: I'm not lying. First I don't lie. Second I don't need to lie to you. I slept here as I practiced all night long.

Callie: that I know…

Bailey: with my Da Vinci. The only thing with a male name I can stay with for more than two hours before getting annoyed and pissed (Callie's face falls)

Callie: so did you work all night even if you were off?

Bailey: yes

Callie: and what about Tuck?

Bailey: he was on school trip. And I didn't want to stay home alone.

Callie: you could tell me and come to our place. We could have a +only-women party.

Bailey: you and Robbins have only-women party all nights. And I don't like to play gooseberry.

Callie: Miranda… we are friends. Don't be stupid (Miranda breaths out) Are you ok?

Bailey: I am ok. It's just that single life is messy and… you enjoy it at first… the new found calm… then… you realize that you were fooling yourself and that you miss someone near you.

Callie: and you don't know if the person you found can be the right one?

Bailey: No. I don't know if I can mess up more of my son's life taking him home.

Callie: Tuck is 4 now…

Bailey: yes. But he has already problems with daddy's girlfriend. Mommy's boyfriend could really be a blow now.

Callie: Tucker has someone?

Bailey: apparently… Tuck told me he met her some week ago.

Callie: are you bothered? (Bailey chuckles)

Bailey: no. It's just surprising how fast we forget decades of our life. It just feels so strong when you're in that…

Callie: you don't think it could ever end? (Bailey nods) I know… And I am much more screwed than you… I changed husband and sex of my loved one (she leans on the counter looking ahead)

Bailey: a slight different change in life, uh? (Callie smiles at her and Bailey leaves)

* * *

Derek enters Peter's room. He has changed in his scrubs. He stops at the bottom of the bed, leaning on it.

Derek: hey

Peter: hey… (they stay silent for some second) Don't give me that look, Derek. I'm not a senile old man freaking out.

Derek: I know

Peter: if you know, cancel the OR.

Derek: why?

Peter: as we rode the wave till now. But this night I couldn't sleep… and I thought it could be my last and, really, I am not ready to die (Derek sits on his bed)

Derek: is anyone ever ready to die?

Peter: that's not the point.

Derek: well… it is. I know the idea is scary. But it's not like you're going to live longer if you just go home.

Peter: I could have more time.

Derek: the time you have won't be enough for what you want more, for what you've always wished for. If I remember good, I'm not the only one who has been dreaming of weeping children all his life.

Peter: don't play with me, Derek.

Derek: do you think I am? I'm trying to be your friend here.

Peter: how? Rushing me into something I fear as death?

Derek: telling you that I know how you feel. And I respect your fear.

Peter: so if you get it, just don't press me. What would you do if you were me? (Derek swallows)

Derek: I'm not you and I don't know what I would do if I was you. But I can tell you what I'd do. I will call my attorney and make my will, I will write a letter to my wife saying all the things I have always been ashamed to tell her, I'd spend some good time with her. And then I'd try my luck (Peter looks away). Actually… that's what I did two months ago. And I felt worse than you.

Peter: Derek… I'm sorry, I've been insensitive but…

Derek: you say these things as you don't believe you're dying. I mean… look at you. You look like a man who is going to bossy us around in minutes. You can talk, you can walk, you could even play golf in the afternoon… But you're dying. You don't remember it, but you are. For me it was a little bit different. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't budge any part of me without regretting it, just breathing was a real torture. You know… the kind of pain you think is going to break you with every breath… the kind of pain you hope is going to end soon. But it doesn't. And your soul starts to fight with itself: you want to survive as you have many things to do but… (he shakes his head not believing the words he is uttering)… you can't stand the pain anymore. You are too exhausted to fight. You can give in… and die, stop feeling. You really feel death on your skin … you fell it inside you. So yeah… maybe I know what I would do if I was you. I'd try the surgery to end it, one way or the other (Peter lingers looking around)

Peter: I have to give you this… you know how to raise guiltiness in someone.

Derek: I didn't mean to have you feel guilty. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. But also that Amy doesn't want to be alone.

Peter: and so I should give it a try…

Derek: I think so. You have a try, Peter. In the bad luck of what happened to us… we got the chance to a try (he stands up as he sees Amy coming, she sits near the bed). Give it a thought… (Peter looks at his wife)

Peter: when she looks at me like this… I can't really deny her anything… (their fingers interlock and Amy starts to cry. Peter looks at Derek and nods)

Derek: I'll send Meredith here to prep you. See you in the OR, then… (he leaves and Richard is outside waiting for him. He just gives him pat on the shoulder when he passes by)

* * *

Teddy joins Cristina in the morgue. Yang has already prepared everything.

Teddy: dr. Yang…

Cristina: dr. Altman

Teddy: ready to go?

Cristina: yes but… Isn't Webber coming?

Teddy: he is, but later. He had a problem he needed to take care of. Let's get started (she puts gloves and glasses on and they get closer the patient). Scalpel, please… (she stretches her hand and Cristina sets the instrument in. She makes the cut but no blood comes out)

Cristina: if this guy hadn't died like this… I'd find it fascinating…

Teddy: well… that's a surprise

Cristina: what?

Teddy: that you feel for his family and him too (Cristina looks at her). Don't get me wrong… but usually you'd feel excited about this.

Cristina: I am excited.

Teddy: but you feel…

Cristina: I always feel. But sometimes it's better not to show it (Teddy chuckles)

Teddy: right… (she works a moment in silence)

Cristina: his mum told me they had recently moved to the dock area.

Teddy: that's something… (she makes effort to open the sternum) to investigate on…

Cristina: I think that too. That's why I have put some blood in the test tube down there… I thought to bring it to the lab for exams.

Teddy: it's great. Go there (Cristina seems doubtful and Teddy notices her look) It will take me ten minutes to open his chest. You have time to go and come back. I'm not kicking you out (Cristina nods, takes the tube and leaves. She walks down the corridor to the lab and stops in front of the reception behind Dr. Brad)

Brad: good morning

Cristina: morning, sir (he leans beyond the counter to look inside the office)

Brad: is anyone here? (Cristina raises her brows at him) I have been here from ten minutes.

Cristina: maybe Richard is in the lab…

Brad: the chief? (she grins)

Cristina: Richard… the guy from the lab

Brad: oh… I haven't been down here yet. I don't know anyone.

Cristina: he's good. And quick (he looks at her test tube)

Brad: that's what Altman uses you for? Taking blood from patients?

Cristina: actually we were doing an autopsy…

Brad: oh… fun, then.

Cristina: and you? Don't you have an intern to send down here?

Brad: no. Top case and I wanted to take them myself.

Cristina: you're assisting Sheperd, aren't you?

Brad: assisting… wrong word. Helping is more suitable. Bringing sense in him would be even better.

Cristina: why? Don't you think he can succeed?

Brad: doctor to doctor, no.

Cristina: well… from what I know about Derek Sheperd… and I can say I do know him… I can tell you I wouldn't hope on it (Brad smiles)

Brad: that he's saving Fletcher?

Cristina: no. That he's going to kill him (Richard arrives and Cristina passes in front of Brad, taking his place)

* * *

Meredith is in Peter's room to prep him for surgery.

Meredith: so… (she looks at the chart) Dr. Brad is down in the lab to pick up your last pre-ops. Ten minutes and we go (she looks at him and sees he is rubbing his temples). Are you ok?

Peter: just a little headache. I guess I thought too much yesterday (she gets closer with a penlight)

Meredith: let me check you (she turns it on and starts to examine Peter's pupils)

Peter: I'm fine, Dr. Grey. I am just tired.

Meredith: let me decide it (she examines his reactions)

Peter: so?

Meredith: everything looks good.

Peter: I told you (Meredith giggles and writes something on the chart and he snorts)

Meredith: just to kill the await… tell me something

Peter: about what?

Meredith: I don't know… (she sits on the bed) About Derek… it seems like you know him better than me.

Peter: no (he giggles) I know him. But you love him. That's different.

Meredith: right but.. you know… all the times someone from his past comes to see him… I feel like I don't know him that much… You talk about him like he was a sophisticated man. The Derek I know fishes trouts in the morning and just dismembers them with his hands… Not so sophisticated…

Peter: Derek was… he was…. (Meredith arches her brows at him and he lets his hands fall on the bed) Derek.

Meredith: that's enlightening… (they laugh)

Peter: you could take him to the fanciest restaurant in Manhattan and he did his great impression. You could take him to Mc Donald's and he did his great impression. He always gave you the feeling to enjoy everything. And I thought he did but now… seeing him here… I can really say he's better. He changed… you changed him.

Meredith: not so much better then…

Peter: why do you say so?

Meredith: as I know myself. And I've tried to kill Mc Dreamy so many times that I've lost the count.

Peter: but you didn't kill him. You saved him.

Meredith: I did?

Peter: don't you see it?

Meredith: apparently I don't

Peter: I tell you this Meredith… You could be my daughter… and I want to give you this tip. Maybe you're right. I know Derek, I know him pretty good. You see… it's the kind of relationship which exists between people when they share tragic moments of their life…

Meredith: I don't understand…

Peter: when you say to a guy his dad has just died… murdered… it's something which will connect you to his life forever. I was that doctor to Derek. And I saw the light leave his eyes. For a long time. During med school, during surgeries, during his marriage. Till now. Now I really can see the light back on. And we have to thank you for that.

Meredith: so… do you think he doesn't regret his previous life?

Peter: no. Do you?

Meredith: I don't know… he looked happy to me but… after the thing… I feel like he has built barricades all around. And sometimes I don't know if they are only for me or for everyone.

Peter: they are for you (Meredith tenses). He doesn't want to worry you, he doesn't want to hurt you. He can't find the nerve to talk to you, to get the load off his chest with you as he loves you. Do you have an idea of how much this is difficult to him? (Meredith looks away) Don't think that he wants to push you away. He doesn't.

Meredith: so I have to let him do it… the barricade thing…

Peter: yes. And build yours too. Don't let sharks come close to you. But you didn't answer the question…

Meredith: which one?

Peter: if you do regret your previous life…

Meredith: no, really. It's something I don't go proud of.

Peter: I didn't mean that… Not just that at least (Richard knocks to the open door and Meredith turns around. When she sees him, she stands up)

Richard: we're ready (Peter nods and he leaves)

Peter: will you do something for me, dr. Grey?

Meredith: of course

Peter: keep my wife posted. I don't want her to sit in the lobby forever by herself.

Meredith: ok

* * *

Alex is down in the ER. He is looking around, leaning to the nurses station.

Lucy: dr. Karev… (he turns around to see Lucy)

Karev: dr. Fields… (she sets her chart on the table and writes something) are you new here?

Lucy: yeah… I arrived from Atlanta some weeks ago.

Karev: so what do you think of SG?

Lucy: it's not that bad. Dr. Webber told me more, though.

Karev: when you want to have someone you say a lot of things.

Lucy: do you? I always say the truth. Giving illusions is the first step to deceive people

Karev: idealist… we didn't have one here (she looks to him)

Lucy: I just don't like liars. And you? What are you doing here?

Karev: nothing. Dr. Sloan sent me to the pit to babysit interns. It's a quite day.

Lucy: for you. I have a case coming in.

Karev: do you want help? (she giggles)

Lucy: why? Are you interested in obstetrics?

Karev: not anymore. But I worked a lot with dr. Montgomery when she was here. If you need help… (she smiles at him)

Lucy: no, thank you. You're not the kind of doctor I want to work with.

Karev: excuse me?

Lucy: you look more interested to your attending than to your patients. I don't like you (she goes away and Alex stays there bewildered)

* * *

Derek is in the scrub room to wash his hands. Richard comes in.

Richard: Meredith is bringing him up

Derek: ok

Richard: I've closed all galleries

Derek: ok (Richard folds his arms on his chest)

Richard: I'm going to wait out with Amy… if you need anything (he turns to leave)

Derek: Richard… (he turns around and looks at Derek). I'm sorry for what I told you two days ago. I overreacted.

Richard: it's nothing.

Derek: no, it matters. I hadn't the right to snap at you like that. I got mad and… (he shrugs)

Richard: I had to tell you about Harper Avery

Derek: it was not that… I don't even know what I got mad about. I've turned into a neurotic who yell at people without any reason.

Richard: you're just feeling the pressure, Derek. Who wouldn't?

Derek: I used to manage pressure before.

Richard: healing takes time

Derek: and I haven't it (he looks through the mirror, Meredith is wheeling Peter in. Richard follows his gaze, the door opens and Brad comes in)

Brad: doctors… (Derek nods to him and Greg goes to the other sink scrubbing in)

Richard: Brad… (Richard notices Derek avoids to look at the new doctor)

Derek: why don't you stay in the OR? (he raises his hands) Adele could sit with Amy…

Richard: sure… I want to see his face when you tell him (they share a smile). I just go out to inform our ladies (he leaves and Derek leans with his back to the sink, waiting for Richard to come back)

Brad: so you need a babysitter… (Derek chuckles)

Derek: no. Just someone I can trust to talk to (he puts emphasis on his last words, his hands on his sides. He then turns to the sliding door seeing Meredith on it) Is he ready?

Meredith: yes. The anesthetist wants to know if we can put him under.

Derek: no wait. I want to say hi. We wait for the chief.

Meredith: I heard… (she stretches the word and Derek feels unease in her voice. He smiles to her)

Derek: and I made up a little surprise for him. Nothing he won't complain about (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Meredith: some more whining… that's good (Derek walks to her and kisses her cheek)

Derek: men whine all the time, Dr. Grey (he enters the OR)

Meredith: I know. But there's good whining and bad whining (Derek smirks at her under his mask, his eyes sparkle in amusement)

Derek: give me a lecture about good whining (nurses are dressing them and Meredith looks embarrassed, Derek looks really amused)

Meredith: well… when you… I mean… when you complain about something right… that's good whining

Derek: oh… clear explanation, dr. Grey (nurses giggle, Derek and Meredith have a moment of loneliness, the closest person a nurse ten steps away, Derek leans to talk into her ear, he lowers his tone). Lame improvisation, Mer…

Meredith: don't push your luck…

Derek: if I pushed (their lips seem to brush and Mer's eyes narrow) my luck, you'll get some of my best whining… moaning actually. Everyone knows you were implying sex, Mer.

Peter: seriously? (Derek straightens up and they both walk to Peter) If I'm going to die, my last remember will be the two of you talking about sex (Derek giggles, Meredith blushes)?

Meredith: we weren't… dr. Dent (she talks to the anesthetist)

Dent: yes, dr. Grey?

Meredith: I think the sedative you gave him was too high. He is talking non sense.

Peter: this was mean.

Derek: anyway… I'll give you a better memory now (he nods to a nurse and she turns the radio on. A song fills the air)

Peter: you've got to be kidding me…

Derek: I know it's not your genre. You are too old for this. But the Clash are the best. And this is my OR.

Richard: our OR (Richard comes closer too)

Peter: well… now we are ready to dance (Derek nods)

Derek: beautiful day to save lives (Peter smiles at him) Let's get started.

* * *

Cristina and Teddy are still in the morgue. The patient's body is completely open now, they are extracting organs to weigh them.

Cristina: liver and spleen are fine (she sets organs on a table, Teddy is looking inside) Did you find something?

Teddy: maybe (she pulls a kidney out). Check this (she handles her the organ and Cristina sets it on the scales)

Cristina: it looks small… (she looks at the display) underweight… (she takes the kidney to move it but a splash fills the room. Teddy turns around and sees the organ on the ground) Crap…

Teddy: what the hell have you done? Can't you even hold a kidney, now?

Cristina: it broke

Teddy: I see it's broken (she points to the ground)

Cristina: no. It broke, that's why it fell.

Teddy: Cristina… you dropped it (she takes the other from the cavity and walks towards the scales), you don't need to…. (splash)

Cristina: It broke (Teddy looks at her and seems embarrassed. Cristina bends to look at the organ splattered on the ground) and it looks dead

Teddy: what? (she kneels and frowns) Can we… can we collect it?

Cristina: it's better to find a surface to put it on (she takes a metallic tray and they lift the kidney, they go back to the table) What the hell happened to this organ?

Teddy: I don't know. Page Bailey, please. And check if your results are ready (Cristina walks to the lab again, snorting this time. She gets to the reception)

Richard: dr. Yang…

Cristina: Richard… are my labs ready? (he bends under the table)

Richard: of course (he handles her an envelope) Here they are (she takes them and opens the envelope walking away. She waves the paper in front of her eyes but stops when she reads it. She goes back, the employee looks surprised). Yes?

Cristina: are you sure these are correct?

Richard: why do you ask?

Cristina: as this patient has more lead in his veins than half Americans all together (he shrugs)

Richard: I should ask Martin… he did the tests

Cristina: do it (her pager beeps). Better… tell this Martin guy to take a break and join me in the morgue (Richard grins)

Richard: gruesome request…

Cristina: it's not romance… It's work. And tell him to be fast if he wants to leave the morgue still alive (she walks away)

* * *

Avery and Reed join Alex in the ER.

Alex: are you in the pit, too?

Avery: no. Bailey was paged to the morgue (he sits on a stretcher)

Reed: and Hunt is not at the top of his game today (she sits near Avery and steels him an apple, she bites it)

Avery: and the chief closed Sheperd's OR gallery (he snorts)

Alex: they are cutting in a doctor's brain. I wouldn't like you to watch my head cracked in two.

Avery: why? (Alex looks up and Avery is smiling) Are you afraid we get to know it's completely empty? (Reed laughs and Alex smiles too)

Alex: I don't even know why I lose my time with you (he goes towards the ambulance bay, Avery and Reed follow him. Alex notices them). Do you want me to hold your hand? (Avery is about to speak when the doors leading to the ambulance bay open widely. Lucy is running pushing a gurney, a pregnant woman on it and a man yelling behind her. Avery and Reed make a step back, Lucy looks at Alex)

Lucy: can you move your ass, please? (Alex makes a step aside and she runs away with her followers. Avery eyes Alex and grins)

Avery: congratulations, Alex. That's why you're so happy to be in the pit (they hear a man screaming and run in the visit room. The man is yelling at Lucy)

Man: how is the baby?

Lucy: if you could just stay silent for a minute, I would know (she gestures him to calm down, her hands on the belly of the pregnant woman. She seems surprised to see Alex, the woman is crying)

Man: how long does it take to hear a heartbeat? (Alex gets closer and tries to take him out)

Alex: dr. Fields is doing her best, sir. If you want to help your wife, just go out. You shouldn't be here.

Man: she is not my wife…

Alex: it doesn't matter. Your baby may need care and she can't work with you yelling at her

Man: I'm not the father… I… I hit her with my car (Alex looks at Lucy and then at the man. Avery touches the man's shoulder and takes him away)

Alex: do you hear it? (Lucy looks up and shakes her head, she moves the sensors to gain better position)

Woman: oh my God… my baby (she sniffles and Alex gets close to her)

Alex: you need to stay quite. I know it's hard, I know it's scary. But the more you relax, the more dr. Fields will be able to do her job (he takes her hand). Breathe in… come on (he mimics the gesture and she does it, heart rate decreases) again (he repeats the gesture and she does too)

Lucy: here it is… (she smiles to the woman). Your baby looks fine, Susan.

Susan: thanks God (she smiles wiping tears away)

Lucy: we'll make an echography anyway and keep you on monitors for some hour.

Susan: ok (Lucy turns around to look for something)

Alex: I'm going to take you iron pads. We don't keep them in the ER (she looks surprised but nods and Alex leaves)

* * *

Meredith is making the incision in Peter's skull to have access to the tumor. Derek is behind her to check her movements, Brad and Richard are one step back.

Meredith: all these eyes on my neck make me nervous

Derek: you should be flattered: two neuro surgeons are looking at you and the chief himself is looking at you. You're the leading surgeon now (Meredith chuckles, she sets gauzes to absorb the fluids and take the flap away. A huge amount of blood comes out) What the hell…

Derek: move, dr. Grey (she makes a step aside and Derek looks inside the opening)

Richard: what's wrong?

Derek: there's a bleeding (he takes gauzes to stop it)

Meredith: he said he had a headache this morning… I checked the pupils and they were fine

Derek: and the pre-ops?

Brad: pressure was a bit high but nothing abnormal

Derek: how high?

Brad: 80 – 120 if I remember well…

Derek: 120? We told you it had to be under 110. Why didn't you say it?

Brad: he is over 65… I didn't think it was a great difference

Derek: well, it could be. It could be the difference between living and dying. We need to make a craniotomy.

Brad: what?

Derek: the glioma affected the blood supply. We need to repair the damage before doing the injection.

Meredith: but Derek…

Richard: have you already done this before… in the trial? (Derek gives him a short look)

Derek: no (nurses and doctors are pacing around to prepare for the new procedure. They are even shifting Peter to a new position). But I don't have any other option.

Brad: you could close him up and wait for the bleeding to stop spontaneously.

Derek: it won't stop bleeding by itself. And even if it did, the blood will store in the frontal lobe killing all his functions (Meredith and Richard share a quick, worried look. Richard swallows clearing his throat)

Meredith: it's a long procedure… the both… do you think he can hold on?

Derek: I don't know. But if we want to do something, we have to do it now.

Richard: you're the expert, Derek. I trust your judgment.

Brad: and your judgment should say stop

Derek: and leave him to die? If you don't want to screw your reputation, walk away.

Brad: this is not about reputation. It's about a surgery which was almost impossible and now has become impossible. We shouldn't rage on our patients, even if they're friends (Meredith's eyes narrow in shock and Derek turns around to stroke his eyes. Richard goes in front of him. He looks up)

Richard: do you think he has a chance?

Derek: yes.

Richard: to come out of here talking and breathing and walking? (Derek looks at him) Peter won't take any less, you know it. It's all or nothing. He said it. Can you try to give him everything? (Derek nods)

Derek: this won't be another Jen, Richard. I promise (Richard nods)

Richard: ok people, let's move (he stops in front of Brad) Are you in or out?

Brad: what?

Richard: if you want to stay here you need to help and do what you're asked. Derek is the surgeon, he has the responsibility of all this. If you want to stay, you need to do all that he asks you, even if you don't agree. Will you do it?

Brad: yes, sir (Meredith comes close to Derek, she touches his sides)

Meredith: are you ok? (he nods) You were in pain this morning and it's going to last long.

Derek: I have taken a painkiller and have a full box in my coat. I'll go for others if I need them.

Meredith: ok… maybe I should inform Amy about this… (Richard comes close to them) It's going to take hours. She should know (Richard nods and Derek does too, Meredith walks out. A nurse walks near Derek)

Derek: nurse Debbie…

Nurse: yes, dr. Sheperd?

Derek: would you please go to my office? In my coat there's a box of pills. I need them. With a bottle of water…

Nurse: of course (she goes and Richard looks at Derek breathing out)

Derek: I'm going to be fine.

* * *

Amy and Adele are in the waiting area. They are sitting side by side on chairs.

Amy: I've spent years of my life in waiting areas…

Adele: waiting for surgeries to be over, for meeting to end, for paper work to be dispatched… I know the feeling (they laugh)

Amy: you never think how it's like to wait for news on your husband… All the people I saw there…. Crying… I have never given them a word of support. I've never thought of the hell they were going through, till now (Adele takes her hand)

Adele: are you sure you don't want to wait in Richard's office? It's more private and comfortable.

Amy: no… I want to stay here. Doctors will look for me here and… (she stops seeing Meredith approaching, still in her blue scrubs, the cup still on her head)

Meredith: Mrs. Fletcher… (her voice is hollow and Amy sets a hand in front of her mouth)

Amy: oh my God (Meredith looks at her, quickly realizing the misunderstanding)

Meredith: your husband is good by now (Amy breaths out) but there's a complication and we need to make a craniotomy before the injection

Amy: what? (Meredith is taken aback by her reaction and Adele tightens her grip on her hand)

Adele: Meredith… don't talk medicine to us. Talk… simple

Meredith: ok… there was a bleeding in the brain. Derek needs to fix that before aggressing the tumor. It's a complicated surgery and it will take hours. I need to go back now but… I promise I'll come often to keep you posted, ok? (Amy nods looking down and Meredith leaves)

Amy: bleeding…

Adele: it sounds bad but you know doctors… they use difficult words just to impress us… to justify the salaries they get. Peter's in good hands (Amy nods and looks up)

Amy: Meredith… is she… (their eyes meet and Adele nods)

Adele: Ellis' daughter… yes… Meredith Grey… The world is really small, uhm?

Amy: smaller if you consider she ended up marrying Richard's second putative son.

Adele: he nearly got a stroke when he found out. Not he didn't deserve it. He had just had brain surgery without telling me. He saw them kissing in a corridor. But they're goods together… Derek is… Derek, I mean… mr. Perfect to me

Amy: still?

Adele: always… and Meredith is a nice girl (she looks up and sees Amy is looking at her) I was mad at her first… Then I got I was really stupid. She didn't do anything. She suffered more than me for that affaire. She lost her father, the man her mother chose… And her mother… well… she was not a great mum to her.

Amy: you don't seem to hold grudge

Adele: not anymore. Ellis is dead… She has been dead for years before dying. You can't hold bad feelings to a woman who died without even recognizing her daughter. And then… she was just making her interest with Richard… he cheated on me, not her.

Amy: you've grown wise

Adele: no, just old (they laugh). Years muffle excess and extreme views (she stands up) Come on… let's go

Amy: where?

Adele: to Richard's office. We'll sit on his leather couch and ask Patricia to bring us coffee (Amy stands up and they move)

* * *

Bailey, Teddy and Cristina are walking through the corridors. Teddy keeps a folder in her hands, she opens it time to time to take a look.

Bailey: I had never seen something like that.

Teddy: we need to call authorities

Bailey: immediately. A lot of people is in danger.

Cristina: do you think it's not limited to Simmons ' house?

Teddy: no… unless they have private pipes. And I don't think so. It could be the whole layer to be polluted. And hundreds of people to be drinking, eating, absorbing leaded water.

Cristina: what do we do?

Bailey: waiting for the chief, Yang. We are going to his office, remember?

Cristina: yes but… he is in the OR with Sheperd and apparently there was a complication. He'll stay there for hours.

Bailey: how do you know that?

Cristina: Meredith sent me a message (Teddy looks at Bailey)

Teddy: we can't wait so long

Bailey: I'm going in to inform him (they arrive at a corner and Bailey goes left to the Ors. Cristina walk with Teddy till they meet Owen)

Owen: hey (the two women smile at him) Are you done?

Teddy: yes. It was faster than expected. And the result so evident and bad we didn't waste any time to come back here.

Owen: bad?

Teddy: this guy was killed by a high concentration of lead. The heart gave up for the thickness of the blood. Organs literally broke in our hands (she handles him the folder and Owen opens it taking a look). We need to inform everyone. A great area of the city could be in danger.

Owen: it's unbelievable…

Cristina: will you excuse me for a minute, please? I need to… (she points to the bathroom, Teddy nods and Cristina goes. Owen gives her the papers back, he clears his throat)

Owen: I'm not happy you could leave (Teddy looks at him in shock). You asked… and I tell you. I would be happy if you found someone to love. I can't be happy if you move across the continent and an ocean (he sees her disbelief). Can you even believe this?

Teddy: it's not what I don't trust you on.

Owen: what then?

Teddy: you don't like Andrew (Owen breaths out) It's pretty clear, you know?

Owen: I haven't said… anything on him.

Teddy: and that's why you don't like him. You'd give me advice, you'd tease me. You are doing nothing of this and your silence lets me know what you think.

Owen: and is that important to you?

Teddy: if I was sure, nothing could stop me. But I have doubts myself… and yours just make me feel worse (Cristina comes out of the bathroom and joins them. Teddy's phone rings and she looks at it). Excuse me… (she goes away and Owen sees her answering. Cristina clears her throat and he looks at her. She's smiling and he smiles back. He kisses her)

Cristina: mmm (they are still close)

Owen: what?

Cristina: you fight and I have hot, angry kisses…

Owen: we were not fighting…

Cristina: you were and I don't care why. I just want more angry kisses (they kiss again)

* * *

Lucy enters the clinic, it's empty but she sees Alex adjusting stuff on a shelf.

Lucy: hey (he looks up, little surprised to find her there)

Alex: dr. Fields… how is your patient?

Lucy: both mother and baby are fine. I'll keep them in tonight though… I want to monitor the baby for 24 hours.

Alex: but she hadn't spotting or cramping…

Lucy: no, but she has a hematoma and I want to be cautious. I'm sorry

Alex: that she has an hematoma? (he bends to take boxes and settles them on the shelf) She probably bumped into something during the accident. It's nothing to be sorry about.

Lucy: to tell the truth I was talking about what I told you. I was unfair.

Alex: you just thought I was arrogant. You probably thought I was on you.

Lucy: I thought you were trying to strike up a conversation with me. And I don't do that. On work. I'm focused on my job.

Alex: me too. Not before, but now I am. So… save the apologies. We didn't know each other (she smiles)

Lucy: ok (she looks around) What's this place?

Alex: it's the free clinic. Haven't you ever been here?

Lucy: no. I didn't even know it existed

Alex: Webber has said nothing to you?

Lucy: no, why? (he lifts a box and walks to another shelf)

Alex: you work in OBG. We used to treat a lot of OBG patients down here.

Lucy: maybe he wanted to give me time to get acclimatized

Alex: maybe… or maybe he doesn't give a crap of the clinic anymore

Lucy: so? (Alex looks at her without answering) It looks like it's personal to you (Alex looks around and then to her)

Alex: it is, someway. My wife financed the clinic. It would be a shame if everything crumbled down like this

Lucy: are you married?

Alex: I'm divorced. But it would bother me anyway (his pager beeps and he takes it) Dr. Sloan pages me, I need to go. See you around dr. Fields (she nods and he goes)

* * *

Derek is working on Peter's exposed brain. The clock in the OR shows 2 hours have already passed.

Derek: damn it…

Meredith: what?

Derek: the bleeding is massive. I hoped it was something hollow… it concerns many vessels instead

Brad: It looks like it has interested a dozen… if not more. Can you control it?

Derek: I'm trying. More suction, please (Meredith cleans the spot Derek is trying to suture) He has waited too long. His brain is at the end of its tether..

Brad: gliomas are angry beasts. They just eat whatever they meet. And blew up suddenly. You're doing good, though (Derek looks at him quickly and then goes back to work)

Derek: thank you, dr. Brad. Your approval warms me up.

Meredith: dr. Sheperd… (her voice is stern)

Derek: yes, dr. Grey? (Meredith is about to speak but Richard gets she is embarrassed)

Richard: I think we should focus on surgery

Derek: I'm really focused, actually. It's the pessimistic boozing which annoys me. If someone doesn't think we can succeed, they should go. A doctor once told me we can enter open brains, that our word can affect them. Giving him for dead… it could lower his spirit. And mine too.

Brad: it's not your skills I doubt… just this mess . And it's not I can change who I am to go along with you (monitors start suddenly to beep)

Meredith: BPs raising…

Derek: I have to repair this…

Meredith: dr. Sheperd… (the beeping go on)

Derek: BPs are raising as I have clamped a vessel and I'm sewing one. The brain doesn't get enough oxygen. But I'm almost done (beeping continue, Derek looks up squeezing his eyes and the noise stops). Ok… (he shakes his head quickly)

Richard: are you ok? It's been more than two hours… Do you need a break?

Derek: we haven't time for a break

Meredith: you could rest ten minutes and dr. Brad could go on… (Brad looks at her) It's a simple craniotomy…

Brad: it's not a simple craniotomy… It's a massive craniotomy. I'm here to help, to assist. I won't take the leadership of this operation (both Meredith and Richard look at him stunned)

Derek: and I'll never ask you to. Suction, dr. Grey… (Meredith sucks the blood and Richard's pager beeps. He makes a step to the scrub room)

Richard: I have an emergency. Will you come with me, dr. Brad ? (he lifts his eyes from the microscope in surprise)

Brad: sure (they go out, they find Bailey in the scrub room). Dr. Bailey… what's the emergency? (she narrows her eyes at him in surprise)

Richard: your behavior is an emergency (Brad turns around to look at him)

Brad: excuse me, sir?

Richard: I don't think dr. Sheperd allowed you on his case to have you row behind all the time

Brad: I'm not… rowing behind

Richard: you are. And even if you're not, destroying his self consciousness won't help him. And tiring him up with all the bickering won't do either.

Brad: I'm not a cheerleader.

Richard: but you're a surgeon. You should be excited on what is going on there. And you should be concerned of the well being of your patient.

Brad: I'm concerned about Peter

Richard: I'm talking about Derek. Haven't you noticed how pale he has grown in the last half an hour? Standing still for so many hours is exhausting him. And he can't do mistakes. If you can't do nothing about that and you can't even hold the scalpel to make your job, at least be silent and learn something. Stop seeding bad grass all around (Brad breaths out)

Brad: right… Can I go back now?

Richard: yes. Tell Dr. Sheperd I will be in five minutes (he goes back and Miranda looks at the chief grinning)

Bailey: that guy won the prize

Richard: what prize?

Bailey: SG's most pissing doctor (Richard snorts)

Richard: why did you page?

Bailey: Altman asked me a consult about the autopsy of the jogging guy this morning.

Richard: and?

Bailey: he was killed by a massive lead pollution.

Richard: how massive?

Bailey: blood thickening… organs destroying massive. We need to inform authorities. Now (Richard nods)

Richard: do it

Bailey: what?

Richard: you got it Bailey. It's something you can do. So do it. I need to stay here. Actually I'll be here for hours. Call dr. Prey from Ecological Emergencies and Jennings. Just be discreet (he goes back to the OR and she goes away)

* * *

Cristina, Alex, Avery and Reed are sitting on a stretcher in the basement. They are having a snack.

Avery: how did the autopsy go?

Cristina: fine. We got the reason he died and we're taking all the necessary steps (she sets some chips in her mouth)

Avery: ok… then?

Cristina: then what?

Avery: which are the steps?

Cristina: it's top secret, Avery. I can't tell you (Avery giggles)

Avery: are you kidding?

Cristina: I'm not. We need to inform authorities before I tell everyone and you bust it with your big mouth.

Alex: dr. Yang working on national security cases… This was lacking under your belt

Cristina: mope, Karev. I won't tell you anything anyway. You'll read it on newspapers.

Karev: right… And why are you here eating chips while Bailey and Altman are in Webber's office with some black suited men? (Cristina stops eating and looks at him)

Cristina: Bailey is reporting to the chief, now.

Karev: she did, actually. Now they're going ahead without secret agent Yang. You did the dirty job… now they do the juicy one

Cristina: just shut up… You worked in OBG one morning and you're back to be fret boy Karev. What is it? Thinking of real vaginas screw you up? (Reed and Avery laugh)

Karev: I didn't work in OBG. You should check your sources better.

Cristina: yeah… you're right. You wanted to see more of new OBG's vagina. But she kicked you out (Alex laughs and looks meaningfully to Avery)

Alex: again… you should check your sources better. She kicked me out. And then she came to apologize crawling in the clinic.

Cristina: clinic? (she raises her brows)

Avery: is that place still working?

Reed: thanks God it's been months since I was sent there last time.

Avery: Webber wants to close it (Cristina and Alex looks at him)

Cristina: Bailey won't let him.

Avery: she stopped him once but… seriously… that place is desert. It's a waste (Alex jumps on his feet)

Alex: say that again and you'll be the next patient (he throws his sandwich in the trash and leaves)

Reed: what the hell is wrong with him?

Cristina: he's… we are attached to that place.

Avery: why? You've never been down there…

Cristina: it's Izzie's place. Despite I don't like to stay there, it would be an offence to close it like that (her pager beeps). I need to go (she makes some step ahead and then comes back) I would apologize for this to him…

Reed: for what?

Cristina: for the clinic's thing

Reed: come on… You insulted each other for half an hour and now it's me who should apologize to him? (Cristina giggles)

Cristina: Alex and I… that's our communicative mode. We bitch around… it's our way of expression. But you… you should apologize (she walks away)

* * *

Teddy is leaning at the catwalk looking outside. Owen joins her.

Owen: hey

Teddy: hey

Owen: are you ok?

Teddy: yes. I'm waiting for Bailey to call me inside (she gestures to the chief's office where Miranda is talking to some people)

Owen: that's not what is bothering you (Teddy looks at him)

Teddy: I'm not in the mood, Owen

Owen: I didn't mean to hurt you

Teddy: I know

Owen: so why do you close me out?

Teddy: as I'm not in the mood to talk, maybe? (she raises her voice and Owen looks around) Look… you don't like Andrew, that's your right. But I have a decision to make. And I need to focus on my needs, not yours. So leave me the hell alone (she walks away but he takes her hand and have her turn around to look at him) Owen…

Owen: no. Now you're going to listen to me, ok? (she rolls her eyes) I'm trying to be your friend, here. I'm trying to be supportive but you don't let me. And this scares me more. We used to talk about our affaires… I talk to you but you don't talk to me. And the reason why you do this is that you've something to hide. And this scares me more again. Are you mad at me?

Teddy: I'm not mad at you.

Owen: as it looks like after I told you about the marriage you changed behavior towards me

Teddy: what it looks to you is not my problem (Owen rolls his eyes). You need to get over yourself.

Owen: I am over myself. But I care about you. And I would like you to care about yourself too.

Teddy: and what is this supposed to mean? (Owen looks uncertain) You can't throw the stone and then hide your hand. If you're a friend and your heart is full of good feelings for me, say what you want to say.

Owen: Andrew is not the right man for you

Teddy: please…

Owen: and you know it. If you were sure, you'd have boarded a plane last week without looking back. The only thing I don't get is why you're keeping this affaire alive, why you haven't given him an answer yet. Do you think it can change? (Teddy looks down) It won't. It will only get worse. He is a great guy. He is charming, smart, good looking. But he is not what you want. It happens, it happens all the time. You gave it a try. But don't fool yourself, don't make this the greatest mistake of your life.

Teddy: nothing I do can equal the greatest mistake of my life (he sees tears glistening in her eyes, her voice is trembling. She turns on her heels and disappears behind the doors leading to the surgery department. Owen turns around and finds Andrew in front of him. He tries to walk over him)

Andrew: I don't like people to intrude in my personal life (Owen stops, they are side by side)

Owen: I didn't intrude in your life. I'm her friend. I have just told her what I think.

Andrew: nice of you.

Owen: don't you think I want her to be happy?

Andrew: don't you think I want too? (Owen gives him a look)

Owen: I'm sure you want. But you won't (he goes away and leaves Andrew there)

* * *

Derek's OR's clock shows five hours of surgery.

Derek: this should be the last one.

Meredith: don't you think we should move the injection? Wait till tomorrow, maybe?

Derek: no. He could seize. We need to go till the end today (he stops cauterizing and Meredith finishes to suction. He handles the tools to the nurse, his hand is lightly shaking. Meredith notices, she looks at the chief worried)

Richard: you should rest some minute, Derek

Derek: I'm going to. Dr. Brad… (Greg's eyes focus on him) Would you please check the situation for ten minutes?

Brad: ok

Derek: I want to be sure the vessels hold before starting the trial's procedure.

Brad: ok

Derek: dr. Grey will assist you (he makes some step back and goes towards the scrub room. Richard follows him with nurse Debbie. He sees him leaning on the wall for support, a grimace of pain contorting his features. He breaths out seeing Webber and the nurse). Would you please give me one of my pills, nurse Debbie?

Nurse: of course (she goes back to the OR and comes back seconds later with the box and a glass of water. She handles him everything. Derek opens the box with shaking fingers, he takes a pill and swallows drinking some water)

Richard: could you please go and take him something to eat?

Nurse: of course, sir (she is going out the room)

Richard: and a chair too (she nods without stopping. When Richard looks at Derek he sees him raising his hands. They are shaking and Derek closes them into tight fists. He looks up to Richard and sees his concern)

Derek: I'm fine. It's just my back. Five minutes and the painkiller will work its magic.

Richard: you're asking too much to yourself. It had to be a difficult but short surgery. It's becoming impossible and exhausting.

Derek: I know (he breaths out and Richard sees another little wince). But we're dancing and I won't bail.

Richard: you could ask Brad to help you.

Derek: he won't help. You know it and I know it (he massages the palm of his hand. Nurse Debbie comes back and sets a chair near Derek. He sits and she handles him a banana). Thank you. Would you go to take a look in there? If everything is fine, five minutes and we'll start (Richard nods and goes back into the OR)

Richard: how is he doing?

Meredith: stable. No bleeding for now.

Brad: and how is Sheperd?

Richard: he's going to be back in a few minutes.

Brad: he hasn't said a word during the whole procedure…

Meredith: it's his style. He just talks to himself (Brad chuckles)

Brad: I heard it's his method… Rambling and rambling (Richard looks disappointed, the door opens and Derek comes back. He joins Brad and Meredith and takes a look inside)

Derek: ok… we can start. Everything is ready?

Meredith: yes, dr. Sheperd.

Derek: ok… protocol of the clinical trial starts now. Let's go

Meredith: wait… (Derek looks at her, the aracnoid knife already in his hand)

Derek: what now?

Meredith: I should go to inform his wife

Derek: it looks like the worst timing ever, dr. Grey

Meredith: I know dr. Sheperd. But it's been four hours. She will be worried. Like horribly worried.

Brad: maybe she's right. Five more minutes… (Derek sets the instrument down)

Derek: ok… go (Meredith opens the door and leaves)

* * *

Bailey and Teddy are still in the chief's office.

Bailey: do you think they knew? (Teddy is sitting on the couch rubbing her temples, she is looking outside the window, apparently not caring to what Bailey is saying) Altman… (Teddy looks to her)

Teddy: what? (Bailey breaths out)

Bailey: I have asked you if you think they already knew…

Teddy: who? (Bailey rolls her eyes)

Bailey: were you here during the meeting or not? (Teddy frowns) Let it go. You're useless.

Teddy: I'm sorry (she strokes her forehead)

Bailey: it's ok. But I think that fools knew there was something wrong in that area and did nothing.

Teddy: how can you say it?

Bailey: it's a feeling… instinct

Teddy: and you rarely go wrong… You don't know how much I'd like to take it from you…

Bailey: what's your problem? (Teddy breaths out) You look like a truck ran over you

Teddy: it did. And I don't know if I want to stand back or just lay there waiting (Bailey sits)

Bailey: it depends what you're waiting for…

Teddy: nothing special. A man to love. A family. Babies. Is that something so difficult to get?

Bailey: it depends… I used to say no. Now I say a big yes. But your boyfriend looks like a nice guy (Teddy looks up to her)

Teddy: do you know him? (Bailey raises her hands)

Bailey: to tell the truth he psycho analyzed me. Webber arranged me a session and he turned me over like a sock (Teddy chuckles)

Teddy: I know the feeling. I always feel like that when we talk.

Bailey: he doesn't do it on purpose, I guess. It's part of him.

Teddy: I know. But it doesn't make me feel less awkward.

Bailey: so do you plan to break up with him? (Teddy lowers her head and strokes her eyes)

Teddy: I really don't know. I wouldn't… if he hadn't asked me to go to Germany with him.

Bailey: well… it's kind of an indecent proposal.

Teddy: I know. And I like him but…

Bailey: you're not ready.

Teddy: yeah… why do men never get they need to wait?

Bailey: because they are men. And they suck. It's up to us decide if let them wait and risk to lose them or face the unknown.

Teddy: good dilemma.

Bailey: indeed. Let me know if you find the solution (they share a smile, someone knocks to the door) Come in (Adam's parents come in, Bailey stands up noticing they look upset) Mr. and Mrs. Simmons…

Mr. Simmons: is that true?

Bailey: what?

Mr. Simmons: the pollution… A lot of people arrived in our district and told us not to use water anymore. They said there was a suspect death…

Mrs. Simmons: they were talking about Adam, right? (Bailey and Teddy share a look and Bailey clears her throat)

Bailey: it's better you sit (she gestures to the couch) Please…

* * *

Owen joins Cristina at Joe's. She is sitting at a table in the corner, watching the news on tv. In front of her a beer and a plate full of peanuts. Owen sits in front of her.

Owen: hey… your liver must be screaming (he point to all the skins resting on the table and takes a peanut himself)

Cristina: why caring? We could be dying for lead pollution and we wouldn't even notice (Owen watches to the screen more carefully and understands the topic of the news)

Owen: it's already public… It's not your fault… (Cristina grins)

Cristina: nice of you. And I don't see how it could be my fault.

Owen: I meant… you couldn't save him. And you made the diagnosis the faster you could. You have saved a lot of lives.

Cristina: I know (she sets other peanuts in her mouth) And how was your day?

Owen: nothing special… I hadn't surgeries… anything. Just post ops and dismisses.

Cristina: really soft day (Owen drinks some of her beer) You look tired, though. Or worried. Or the both (Owen looks up, he plays with the glass) You fought with Teddy…

Owen: we had just a different opinion on something… Nothing bad.

Cristina: you look like it's bad… I mean… Teddy is your friend… Is she fine?

Owen: yes. She has just… heart problems.

Cristina: she does that for a living. She cures hearts (she is looking at the screen. When she looks back at him he looks awkward and she frowns) Oh… you meant sentimental.

Owen: right

Cristina: why? She looked so happy with that guy. And he's really good (Owen looks at her raising a brow)

Owen: good?

Cristina: yeah… not to throw away… not a pity case. Don't give me that look. Even if we're together I look around. I don't screw around but I look.

Owen: you look…

Cristina: and he was good to look at. That's all. Why? Are you jealous?

Owen: that you look at other men? (he smiles) A bit… (Cristina laughs) A lot. But you love me, don't you? (he bends on the table and they kiss)

Cristina: really much

Owen: good…

Cristina: and are you jealous? (Owen is drinking her beer again and sets the glass down)

Owen: what is this? A replay?

Cristina: no. I meant if you're jealous of Teddy…

Owen: oh… a tricky question…

Cristina: it's not tricky. It's simple. I am jealous of Meredith.

Owen: really? So you suffer thinking of her and Derek together?

Cristina: a bit.

Owen: that's… (he raises his hands smiling) quite morbid. You know that?

Cristina: I know. But I feel like this and I don't hide it. Are you jealous then?

Owen: not in that way. But I would be really sorry if she packed everything and left for Europe with him (Cristina was drinking the remains of her beer and nearly chokes on it. Owen handles her a paper towel)

Cristina: left? Is she planning to leave?

Owen: he asked her to. And she doesn't know what to do.

Cristina: that ass… You need to tell her out of this (Owen smiles at her, rambling a bit)

Owen: but you've just said he was good…

Cristina: that was before knowing he wants to take her away from me

Owen: from you?

Cristina: yes. From me. I'm jealous of her. She's my teacher (she eats another peanut)

* * *

Derek: Are the needles ready?

Meredith: yes. And the virus is here (she points to a tray near them)

Derek: good (he stretches his hand). Preparation is over. The tumor is exposed. The path is ready (he breaths out). Needle number one, please (he talks looking at the screen showing the path to the glioma). This could be easy (he takes the needle and starts to push it down following the screen and working without looking directly in the brain) Needle number one is in (Meredith breaths out). Number two, please.

Meredith: you need to pass close to the cerebral artery…

Derek: I see, dr. Grey (he starts pushing it. He sometimes stops and then resumes his path to the tumor. Meredith looks at the screen)

Meredith: you're in!

Derek: I am (he turns to the tray and connects the wires to the needles. He gives needle n. 2 to Meredith). You're needle n. 2, dr. Grey.

Meredith: I know it. You would never leave me number one, dr. Sheperd, wouldn't you? (Derek smiles her through his mask)

Derek: be ready. If this goes fine, I could give you n. 1 next time. Now… on my three (they both look at the screen) One… two… three (they start the injection and their indicators match in rhythm till the mid of the liquid. Monitors start to beep and Meredith diverts her eyes. Derek doesn't). Go on, Dr. Grey…

Meredith: but… (she looks in the brain which is swelling quickly) the artery is swelling

Derek: go on, dr. Grey.

Brad: it will blow

Derek: just go on (Meredith finally goes back looking to the screen and they end the injection at the same moment)

Richard: what's going on?

Derek: the glioma is reacting to the virus. We need to take the needles out. Now.

Meredith: and how? My needle is surrounded by the artery

Derek: we need to take them out. At the same time.

Meredith: I can't do it (he takes her shoulders and pushes her aside)

Derek: Brad… take her place

Brad: what?

Derek: take her place, now (monitors continue to beep)

Brad: I…

Derek: we don't have the whole night. We need to take them out simultaneously. You can do it, she can't. Come here (Brad joins Derek and takes the place Meredith was standing at)

Brad: this is crazy…

Derek: when I tell you… just pull rotating the needle

Brad: what? Mine is right next to the cerebral artery. I will nick it.

Derek: you won't. Just do what I tell you and it's going to be fine (Derek is removing stuff from the needles to free them)

Brad: I don't…

Derek: can you just do what I tell you for once? Pull and rotate, the artery will roll. We won't nick it.

Brad: why don't you do it by yourself?

Derek: I can't. On my three. One… two… three (they pull the needles out. After some second the swelling start to decrease)

Brad: it worked… (Richard breaths out and Derek blinks several times. He hides his eyes with a hand to protect them from light)

Derek: any bleeding?

Meredith: no, everything looks fine. BPs are normal. You just need to close now (Derek breaths out)

Derek: ok… (Richard gets closer to Derek, Brad is leaving the OR)

Richard: you need to sit down

Derek: I need to put this flap on.

Richard: Brad can do it

Derek: Brad is throwing up (Richard turns to the scrub room and sees Brad bent in two. He eyes a nurse and she goes helping the doctor). Give me the flap, dr. Grey (Meredith sets the part of the skull on the opening. Derek takes the skin and settles it back) String, please (he is about to start sewing but his hand shakes violently and he lets everything fall to the ground. He closes his eyes, Meredith looks scared at him)

Richard: Meredith will close him, Derek. It's done. Come with me (he leans his hands on Derek's shoulders and pushes him towards the door. Derek pulls the mask and the cap away. A nurse helps him out of the surgical coat. He walks swaying on his legs and Richard snakes an arm around his waist. He winces with every step). We're almost out (they walk through the door)

Derek: I don't feel… (Richard turns to look at Derek. He is really pale, a grimace is paint on his face. He moans and his legs give out. Richard can't take all his weight and Derek starts to fall. Richard can only slow his coming down)

Richard: help… I need help (Meredith turns around and sees Derek's face, she understands he's lying on the floor)

Meredith: Derek! (she makes a step to him)

Richard: stay there, dr. Grey. Close the patient up.

Meredith: but he…

Richard: he collapsed. I'll take care of him. Do what he told you to do (she nods and goes back working. Richard tests Derek's pulse point on his neck. His skin is shivery and sweated. He tries to give him little slaps on the cheek, quick and weak but he gets no answer. He tests Derek's forehead and feels it warm). I got you, Shep… I got you…

* * *

_Proverbs are supposed to give us words when normal speech fails. _

_They are supposed to paint life._

_Bad moments_

* * *

(Bailey and Teddy are still with Adam's parents. They are comforting them)

* * *

_Good moments_

* * *

(Meredith is talking to Amy who is sitting in the waiting area with Adele. Suddenly the woman jumps up and hugs her)

* * *

_But sometimes they just don't fit_

* * *

(Peter is back in his room, his head covered by a big bandage. Amy is near him. He opens his eyes, the sun is high in the sky and Richard is there too, reading his chart)

Peter: it's still sunny (Amy and Richard looks at him)

Amy: honey… (she kisses him). How do you feel?

Peter: good… I feel good… (he looks at her) Why are you crying?

Amy: I've been so scared… All those hours… (he looks at her thoughtful)

Peter: hours? (Richard clears his throat)

Richard: it's Tuesday, Peter.

Peter: Tuesday? I have been out for so long?

Richard: the surgery was really complicated.

Peter: I don't…

Richard: when Derek opened you up, he found a massive bleeder. He had to make a craniotomy, a really long and difficult craniotomy. And then he made the trial procedure. And there were complications too. You've been in the OR for almost nine hours. But you're ok, now (Peter nods)

Peter: and what hospital is this? (Richard and Amy look at him worried)

Amy: you're at SG, honey (Peter giggles)

Peter: I know that. I'm not that stoned… I meant… what kind of hospital is that? My surgeon didn't find the time to show up to tell me hello? (Richard swallows)

Richard: he will come later (Peter's smile fails)

Peter: is he ok? (he looks at his wife and Richard)

Richard: of course he's fine. He just had a collapse. That's why he can't be here.

Peter: collapse?

Richard: he was exhausted. And his back start to really hurt. He pushed too much and, right after finishing to put the flap on, he fainted. But he's ok. I put him under antibiotics for the fever and drips to feed him up. He is unresponsive to painkillers but just as he took too many to stand during the surgery. He'll be fine. I had to threaten him as he wanted to be here.

Peter: can I go to see him?

Richard: no. You're going to stay flat in your bed. And him too.

Peter: but…

Richard: no but (Richard smiles) You'll enjoy his company though (he makes a step aside and Meredith appears, she is helping a nurse pulling Derek's bed. They set it near Peter's. Derek smiles to Peter)

* * *

_Sometimes words are not enough._

_Not knowing what to say, how to break the pregnant silence, we go back to proverbs._

* * *

Derek: hey…

Peter: hey… you don't look too good.

Derek: neither you do.

Peter: we're going to have fun together…

Derek: do you think so? (he winces arching his back a little)

Peter: I won't push the button for you…

Derek: and I won't give you my pudding

Peter: you will… you look like you won't eat. Unless you want to throw up on me.

Derek: maybe you're right

Peter: of course I am

Derek: just shut up (Derek grimaces and closes his eyes)

* * *

_A trouble shared is a trouble halved…_

_As misery loves company._


	32. REMEMBER ME

Sorry for the await...

This is an interlocutory chapter.

I'm writing the following and I want to know if you want me to mess up with Derek's health a little more or not.

Wait for your reviews...

* * *

_Remember me…_

_It really sounds like a prayer…_

_And it is… if it's a not a threat._

_As when we can't get people to do what we want with the good plans… we come with the bad ones._

_Remember me: remember I love you, remember what I did for you, remember what you did to me._

_Just remember…_

* * *

Richard is in his office. Someone knocks, the door opens and Bailey enters the room.

Bailey: chief…

Richard: Bailey (he gives her a wide smile). I was reading your report (she sits on a chair in front of him). You all made a great job. We received the mayor's public approval for the celerity and efficiency of our inquiry. We saved a lot of people (he looks up and sees her face tensed). What?

Bailey: nothing (Richard leans in his seat a bit more). I'm just sorry for that guy. And his parents. It was not easy to tell them the truth yesterday.

Richard: I know. Some deaths seem… unexplainable.

Bailey: we are in the 21th century, we are in the USA, the most technological country in the world. We are going to build houses on the moon some decade from now.

Richard: Luckily I won't live enough to see that

Bailey: but economical interests still count more than lives.

Richard: are you in melodramatic mode?

Bailey: I'm in realistic mode (Richard nods). Anything I need to point out about that? (she gestures to the file with her head)

Richard: no. It was all clear. I have already heard Altman and Yang. The file is closed.

Bailey: so why am I here? (Richard sets his glasses on his nose and looks at her)

Richard: don't you like meeting with me to start your day?

Bailey: no. Some morning I'd really prefer to stay home till 8 as my schedule allows me rather than being paged here to make conversation with you. I hadn't time to make my breakfast. And to drink my coffee. So please… tell me you didn't page me urgently to talk about your disapproval about NASA's developing research plan…

Richard: of course I didn't call you for that.

Bailey: so?

Richard: I just wanted to congratulate you.

Bailey: for what? (Richard shrugs)

Richard: for the brilliant contribute you gave to the inquiry. Your name was in the article this morning.

Bailey: I knew there was a reason to get up for so early this morning (she stands up)

Richard: what's the matter with you?

Bailey: that I have a life. And a child. And a sucking ex husband. I have no time for you. I thought… (she gestures with her hand and snorts)

Richard: what?

Bailey: nothing

Richard: come on, Miranda…

Bailey: I thought you were spending more time at home with your wife rather than losing it with these stupid things (her pager beeps and she takes it). You see? You wasted my coffee time. The morons need me down in the pit (she exits and Richard smiles)

* * *

Derek is reading a magazine in his room. He is in his bed, under the sheet, a black shirt on, an IV in his arm. He is pale and a light stubble is peppering his cheeks. He hears a knock and looks up, Dr. Wyatt is leaning at the doorframe.

Dr. Wyatt: here you are

Derek: good morning

Dr. Wyatt: good morning to you. It took me years to find you alone in here (Derek giggles)

Derek: Peter is a loud one

Dr. Wyatt: and you're an avoider (she sits in a chair near his bed and Derek closes his paper). You know… I was really happy you decided to go back working. I was positive you were going to perform high tech surgeries all around. I didn't mean your sessions were over. Hence… they are far from over. (Derek breaths out and looks away). Especially now the d-day is coming.

Derek: d-day?

Dr. Wyatt: the trial (Derek diverts his eyes). Did you really think I had forgotten?

Derek: I guess I got my hopes up about that

Dr. Wyatt: wrong move (she looks around). You don't seem to be moving around so easily though (her eyes settle on the tube sneaking into Derek's arm).

Derek: it's just a precaution.

Dr. Wyatt: according to the chart dr. Webber kindly delivered me this morning… not so much precaution. More necessity I would say.

Derek: I am not dying. It's just a fever (she opens the chart and reads in it)

Dr. Wyatt: high stress. Pain control. Failing pain control. Local procedure scheduled.

Derek: can you…

Dr. Wyatt: from what I see in here… (she makes a disgusted face)

Derek: what?

Dr. Wyatt: I didn't know there were photos in patients' charts… (she swallows and flips the page. Derek looks at the folder in her hands)

Derek: excuse me? (she looks at him and then flips the page back. She reads something on the corner)

Dr. Wyatt: evidence n. 3… (she flips the page) and n. 4… (she flips other pages) and n. 6 (she closes the folder and looks at him). So much on our plate. And we just have two days…

Derek: Dr. Wyatt...

Dr. Wyatt: ok… (she gives him a smile). You don't feel to talk with me. I get it (Derek breaths out) I'll give it to Meredith then (she stands up)

Derek: what?

Dr. Wyatt: is it a problem? She is going to see this all anyway (Derek rubs his eyes). Unless you have decided you don't want her there (he shakes his head). Cared to tell her?

Derek: no (a tear escapes his eyes and he brushes it away). Can you make this stop? (she sits back)

Dr. Wyatt: what?

Derek: the crying… I've never cried this much in my life.

Dr. Wyatt: if I were a shrink I'd say you really need to talk to someone (Derek smiles)

Derek: and I guess you have someone you want to recommend me…

Dr. Wyatt: of course. And it will cost you extra money. I have to leave my comfortable den to sit in this awful chair (she stands up).

Derek: why can you just let me be?

Dr. Wyatt: as I promised to fix you. And you accepted to come to me. What's the problem?

Derek: I really don't know what to do.

Dr. Wyatt: maybe I can help. And I can't let you be. See you later (she goes out)

* * *

Meredith and Brad are sitting in the control room of the MRI, a resident is letting Peter in the instrument. Greg is reading in a folder frowning.

Greg: so now we should be able to see the tumor shrinking…

Meredith: yes (she looks at him). Well not shrinking… smaller already (Brad laughs and she looks at him). What?

Greg: nothing… (he smiles at her) You're really funny, you know?

Meredith: how would I be funny?

Greg: as you always feel the need to point things out. Like I was stupid who didn't know MRI shows crystallized images and not changing ones.

Meredith: I am not funny! People use to misunderstand me. That's why I point things out.

Greg: it's lovely… so the tumor will be smaller, dr. Grey…

Meredith: it will, dr. Brad (images appear on the screen and they both bend to look at them. Meredith smiles and points with her finger). Seen? Smaller… like really smaller

Greg: impressive… Reading all this crap doesn't give you an idea of what you can do with the trial (Meredith giggles and Greg looks at her). What's funny?

Meredith: you've just called Dr. Sheperd's three months work a load of crap. And mine too.

Greg: have you worked on it from the beginning? (Meredith gets serious)

Meredith: I gave the beginning. It was my idea.

Greg: no way… (Meredith is surprised)

Meredith: why? Don't you think I can have clever ideas too?

Greg: no… it's not that (he looks down to the folder). But in all this crap… and in all the crap I read on the medical reviews during the last months… your name never appeared (he takes the folder and shows it to her). Sheperd method… (Meredith stops smiling)

Meredith: he was the attending… he took the credit. That's how things work in the medical food chain. Residents work and always get troubles.

Greg: is it what he told you? (Meredith breaths out) I'm sorry… but I felt for how he treated you in the OR yesterday.

Meredith: that's to say?

Greg: he was too taken by himself to say anything to you. He snapped and spat all the time. If it wasn't for you, Peter's wife would be still waiting for news.

Meredith: Derek is an excellent teacher. You don't have to take yesterday's surgery as comparison. Usually he is not like that.

Greg: ok… if you say so

Meredith: I know so (she presses a button and stands up). Scans will be ready in five minutes upstairs (Greg stands up)

Greg: I'll go and take them.

Meredith: and I will take him back to his room

Greg: see you in the conference room?

Meredith: sure

* * *

Cristina joins Alex, Jackson and Reed at the nurses station.

Cristina: hey everyone

Avery: good morning. You're cheerful (Cristina is tying her hair into a ponytail)

Cristina: it's going to be a great day of surgery.

Alex: really? I thought you're scheduled for a stent

Cristina: I am indeed.

Reed: and you're happy about it?

Cristina: of course I'm. It's medicine. It's cutting. And I love starting the day cutting (Avery smiles and Cristina looks at him) What are you doing?

Avery: excuse me?

Cristina: which is your great schedule for today?

Avery: oh… nothing. Bailey sent me to the pit (Miranda arrives behind his back)

Bailey: where you're supposed to be (Avery turns around quickly)

Avery: dr. Bailey… (her pager beeps)

Bailey: if you were down in the pit as I told you, I wouldn't be paged every five seconds. Run! (Avery runs away and the others smile. Bailey looks at them sternly). And you… (they all straighten up) busy yourself in doing something. Medicine, for example. You're not paid to keep walls standing. And they stand even without you (she walks away and Reed giggles)

Reed: poor Jackson….

Alex: I didn't see her pissed like that in months

Cristina: It's good. Bailey's back. She's going to kick asses all around (she takes her chart). And lucky me… mine is safe. See you at lunch to treat blue eye's ass?

Reed: sure (Cristina walks away and after some step Alex overpasses her, she speaks behind his back)

Cristina: you're looking for troubles

Alex: I'm walking

Cristina: to troubles

Alex: I can care of my ass. Don't worry for me (he turns right around the corner and Cristina turns left)

* * *

Avery walks to the pit. The noise increases and when he opens the door he stops realizing the mess and chaos in there. There are a lot of people, nurses and doctors are boozing around to treat everyone.

Avery: what the hell… (Owen arrives in front of him, wearing a yellow coat)

Owen: where's Adamson?

Avery: she was upstairs

Owen: I've paged her five minutes ago (the door opens again, nearly bumping into Avery and Reed arrives out of breath. She looks stunned to the crowd)

Reed: oh my God… (Owen gives them coats and they wear them)

Owen: there was an explosion during a school ceremony. We have many injured people here and many coming. Go to the nurse over there and take priority cases. I'm in visit room two if you need me (he leaves and they walk to the nurse. She handles Avery a chart and Reed another one)

Nurse: Finn Maloney, 25. He reports a deep cut to the left shoulder. He has lost a lot of blood (Avery looks at the chart)

Avery: he is not surgical… Isn't there anybody surgical? (the nurse eyes him harshly)

Nurse: dr. Hunt told me to give you urgent cases. He is one. He is behind that curtain (Avery nods and leaves). Greta Hyle, 12, she reports abdominal pains (she points to visit room n. 1). There (Reed nods and walks into the room reading the chart. She gets near the patient, a girl with red hair. She's tiny, her face is covered in blood)

Reed: hi, I'm dr. Adamson. You're Greta, right?

Greta: yes

Reed: you don't have to be scared. The nurse called your parents. They will be here in a while (she wears gloves and approaches). I'm going to visit you now. Jut s be relaxed… okay? (the girl nods and Reed touches her abdomen). Does it hurt? (the girl nods)

Greta: am I gonna die? (Reed looks at her)

Reed: no, you're not. The abdomen is a little rigid but it can be stress too. I'll take you down for a CT just to be sure (she writes some note on her chart). What happened?

Greta: I don't know. We were listening to the rector's speech and then… there was an explosion. I don't know what happened. Someone says the fireworks they had bought for the show… The big top collapsed… Some of my friends are still under it (she sniffles and Reed realizes she's crying. She takes her hand)

Reed: I'm sorry. Everything is going to be fine. We are very good here (Owen puts his head inside)

Owen: how do we go here?

Reed: good. I'm taking her down for a CT but she looks fine.

Owen: ok. Let her with a nurse for two minutes and join me (he gives a smile to the girl, a nurse enters the room and Reed goes out)

* * *

Avery is stitching his patient's shoulder. The boy is a athletic afro. He's chewing and listening to loud music with his I-pod. His head scans the rhythm of the song he is hearing and Avery looks bothered.

Avery: can you turn that down? (the guy doesn't show to have heard him and after some second Avery looks at him) Hey… (the guy still looks elsewhere moving at the music's sound. Avery waves a hand in front of him) Hey! (the guy takes his earphones away, Avery can hear the music coming out)

Finn: yes, man?

Avery: can you shut the thing off, please? We're not at the disco here (the guy looks disappointed but shuts the music) Thank you (Jackson resumes his working) Do you want more morphine?

Finn: no, I'm fine. It's kind of cool you're sewing me up like this.

Avery: cool?

Finn: damned cool (Avery grins) Do you know what would be cooler?

Avery: no

Finn: you could sew your name on my skin.

Avery: what?

Finn: yeah… I mean… you sewed my cut. You should close it up with your name.

Avery: strange idea.

Finn: cool idea. I would be your masterpiece.

Avery: just stay put, ok? If you keep moving I'll make a bad work.

Finn: and your boss will kick your ass. The guy looks a marine (he looks at Owen passing by)

Avery: he was. And he is going to kick my ass. And yours too. Just stay put. I'm almost done.

Finn: good. I'm tired of staying here. I want to go back to look for my brother (he takes a cell from his pocket and dials a number. A voice mail answers him). He doesn't answer the damned phone.

Avery: little brothers never answer phones (Finn giggles)

Finn: don't I know it (Avery pushes his stall behind)

Avery: I'm done (he sets the needle on the tray and looks at the wound). I didn't write my name but it's pretty (he smiles to Finn who looks down too). Now we put a good bandage on (he takes the gauzes and starts to dress his arm) and you'll come back next week for the antibiotic and to take stitches out (he handles him a paper). Here is your prescription.

Finn: thank you (he jumps down the gurney). Do you think I can take a look around? (Avery frowns)

Avery: excuse me?

Finn: to see if Henry is here… my brother….

Avery: oh… (he stands up) Let me check in the computer, I'll tell you if he's here (they walk together to the nurses station and Avery goes behind the desk. He tapes some letter and shakes his head). No… he's not in the hospital.

Finn: ok. Probably he was in some closet kissing his girlfriend (Avery smiles to him). See you next week then (he shakes Avery's hand and goes away)

* * *

Bailey and Richard are at the ambulance bay. Richard sends her curious looks she ignores.

Richard: did you take your coffee in the end?

Bailey: no… not yet. But if Tyler doesn't get lost in the cafeteria, I will in minutes.

Richard: you sent your intern to grab you coffee?

Bailey: I did. Do you want to scold me for that?

Richard: it's not what interns are supposed to do.

Bailey: I missed the memo (the door opens and the intern appears with Bailey's coffee. He handles her the cup and she drinks it in one go. The intern looks stunned when she gives him the empty cup) Go inside and report to Karev for today (the intern nods and goes away. Avery comes out of the doors)

Avery: chief…

Richard: dr. Avery

Bailey: how is it inside?

Avery: many injured but nobody bad at the moment. Reed's patient is fine, we treated some laceration but nothing important.

Richard: the worse is to come though. Many students got caught under the big top and four were near the area of the explosion. I have alerted everybody (the ambulance appears at the end of the road, it gets closer and stops in front of them. The paramedic jumps out)

Paramedic: John Doe, 16…

Richard: John Doe?

Paramedic: he is unconscious and nobody in the nearness knew him. He is hypovolemic shock. He has a severe trauma to the abdomen and a concussion. He has never gained consciousness back.

Bailey: did you transfuse?

Paramedic: three units. 2 mg of morphine (he takes the stretcher but Richard stops him)

Richard: we got him. You can go back.

Paramedic: fine. I'm afraid I'll see you again. There are a lot of people down there who need treatments (Richard nods and the paramedic goes away. They push the gurney into the ER and then into a visit room)

Bailey: it's better we page Brad

Richard: dr. Avery… (Avery picks up the phone, Bailey is visiting the guy)

Bailey: spleen looks ruptured.

Richard: I see. And also some ribs. It's better we take him down to the CT (Brad and Meredith enter the visit room)

Brad: doctors… did you page? (Bailey is writing on the chart)

Bailey: paramedics report a concussion. He has not woken up yet (Brad is fleshing a pen into the guy's eyes)

Brad: mmm… dr. Grey?

Meredith: pupils are responsive. But… it's better to make a MRI.

Brad: I agree (he looks up to Bailey and the Chief)

Bailey: ok… we're taking him down to the CT first.

Brad: MRI should come first (Bailey looks at him)

Bailey: he has a possible ruptured spleen.

Brad: and a possible brain contusion (Brad folds his arms across his chest and Meredith looks at Richard)

Richard: that's it! We are taking him down and see what he can have first (Meredith takes the stretcher). Leave, Dr. Grey. Brad and I will drive it (Meredith steps back, Brad breaths out and pushes the gurney away. Meredith and Bailey follow them)

* * *

Derek is lying in his bed, his eyes are closed but he is playing with his fingers on the bed. Peter is reading a magazine and sometimes looks at him.

Peter: you're annoying…

Derek: I'm just trying to sleep (he breaths out and Peter looks at him pushing his paper down)

Peter: you didn't look so bad this morning…

Derek: I can fake well…

Peter: what does Brad say about this? (Derek laughs)

Derek: he is too busy in drooling on my wife to care about me. He says to be patient… painkillers will work again… (he rubs his eyes)

Peter: and you don't trust him?

Derek: I trust myself and I know he's right. I took too many pills and now I have to digest them (Peter walks out of his bed and takes a box from his nightstand. He goes towards Derek's bed and sits in a chair besides it)

Peter: I wanted to give you this later but… you're all gloomy and I think that… maybe… it can cheer you up (he handles him the box)

Derek: what's this?

Peter: a little present

Derek: you didn't need…

Peter: open (Derek nods and starts opening the gift. He takes paper away and finds a fine box. He opens it and looks up at Peter)

Derek: you can't give me this

Peter: sure I can

Derek: it's yours

Peter: and I'm giving it to you

Derek: it was your father's clock (he takes a clock out of the box)

Peter: you remember…

Derek: of course I remember… You must keep it and give it to your son (he stretches his hand with the clock to Peter but he pushes him back)

Peter: When my father gave me this… he clearly said it was supposed to belong to a doctor. A very special doctor.

Derek: you were that doctor.

Peter: and you're now. Have you read my card? (Derek breaths out) Before opening gifts we open cards. Your mum did a poor work with you (Derek frowns reading it and a tear escapes his eyes, he strokes it away)

Derek: I don't know what to say…. I guess thank you is not much but… thank you

Peter: It's me who has to thank you. You gave me my time back. And you don't know how much I would like to give you other than a fancy clock… Derek… (Derek looks up)

Derek: I'm fine, really. I got distracted by your surgery and everything and now… we are close. We are close to the trial and I have to say things and… (he breaths out)

Peter: Meredith just wants to be by your side.

Derek: but I don't want her.

Peter: you have shame of your pain. You're a gentleman. And you have shame of your pain. It's normal. You don't need to beat yourself on that. But you also need to talk.

Derek: you all look to like psych lately

Peter: and you look to be more stubborn than usual (he stands up and goes back to his bed). You know I can come with you to your shrink if you want.

Derek: I know. Richard sent her after my blood this morning. She wants to have a session today.

Peter: and you don't?

Derek: I don't want anything. I'd like to sleep. That's all I want (he closes his eyes and leans into the pillow)

* * *

Callie, Arizona and Mark arrive to the ER.

Callie: oh God… (Arizona stops Lexie)

Arizona: where's the chief?

Lexie: down to the CT for a case

Callie: who's leading the ER?

Lexie: Hunt (she looks at her arm on hers). Will you… I need to go

Callie: sure (she lets go her arm and Lexie goes, they all reach Owen who's on the phone)

Mark: Hunt… (Owen sets a hand on the receiver)

Owen: I've got a 17 years old girl with bad burns on the way

Mark: ok… (he goes away)

Owen: and the guy over there is complaining for the pain since he got here.

Callie: I'm going to check on him (she goes away and Arizona looks at Owen)

Owen: you're free for now.

Arizona: what? But there are dozens of patients…

Owen: nothing pediatrics by now.

Arizona: but I can help

Owen: look… if you wanna help stitching and packing do it. Choose a patient and work (Arizona looks at him with wide eyes but Owen goes back paying attention to the phone). Yes… I'm still here. Ok… ok… we can take more trauma patients. Ok… let me know (he hangs the phone and goes back to the visit room. Arizona goes near Callie)

Arizona: Hunt sent me to the bench (Callie raises her eyes and smiles).

Callie: something about no kid in here?

Arizona: yes. It's frustrating to see many people waiting and doing nothing.

Callie: help me… (Arizona smiles to her) Our champ here… I think he has a dislocated shoulder (her patient is 16 years old, blond hair)

Daniel: it must be dislocated as it hurts like hell

Callie: we are going to make some scan and then see what to do.

Daniel: fine.

Callie: will you come with us dr. Robbins?

Arizona: of course (they wheel the patient away)

* * *

Mark is sitting near a stretcher, he is cleaning a wound on a patient's face. She's 28, brown hair.

Mark: try to stay still now, Joanna.

Joanna: will I have scars?

Mark: I don't know. Burns are deep. We have to see how your skin reacts.

Joanna: I can't have scars. I want to go working to a fashion store. I can't have scars.

Mark: so to sell dresses you need to be a model?

Joanna: you need not to be a monster.

Mark: you know… Peoples' appearance is my concern. It's my job. You were lucky you got alive from there.

Joanna: it's better to be dead than disfigured.

Mark: you should really shift your priorities… Anyway… I have to keep you in observation for some hour. Just stay here. I'll look for a room (he stands up and goes to the nurses station. Lexie is there too) Hey

Lexie: hey (she smiles to him) Tough day

Mark: crappy day. I need a bed for my patient.

Lexie: the nurse is in the lab. She should be back in a minute.

Mark: ok (he looks around and sees a paramedic running in with a stretcher. On the gurney there is a man, badly hurt. His face and arms are covered in blisters, he looks burned). Shit … come with me (Lexie follows him, he runs to the paramedic and gets closer to the patient)

Paramedic: Gerome Kirck, 24. He…

Mark: I see. Why in hell isn't he intubated yet? (he flashes a light in the man's eyes)

Paramedic: he refused…

Mark: his airways are closing up. Dr. Grey… handle me a kit, please (he feels a grip on his hand and the man looks at him)

Gerome: no tube

Mark: Mr. Kirck… I know you're scared but your airways are closing up. You won't be able to breathe. You can die. We need to intubate you.

Gerome: my daughter… (his eyes roll and he faints. Mark pushes his gurney near Joanna's)

Mark: intubate him, dr. Grey (Lexie nods and she tries to insert the tube into the man's throat)

Lexie: it's too swollen

Mark: try a smaller one

Lexie: I… (Mark takes the kit form her hands)

Mark: go and see if her bed is ready (he goes back working on the man and Lexie walks away. He inserts the tube and pushes the ambo bag)

Lexie: she can go to room 1445

Joanna: does it have a balcony? (both Mark and Lexie look at her)

Lexie: excuse me?

Joanna: does my room have a balcony? I like smoking…

Mark: this is a hospital, Mrs. Spur. It's not a beauty clinic. I'll have a nurse take you to your room and I'll come later. You'll start antibiotics as you get there. The nurse will make you sign forms (he talks to Lexie) Are you free?

Lexie: yes

Mark: book an OR. You're scrubbing in.

* * *

Bailey, Richard, Brad and Meredith are in the CT control room. They are waiting for images to appear.

Richard: how is Fletcher?

Meredith: good. The tumor reduced above expectations (she smiles)

Richard: so… when can he go home?

Meredith: I don't know. I should ask Derek. I found some note in the chart about antibiotics for the benignant glioma but… nothing definitive.

Richard: can you take care of this, Brad?

Brad: of course… if Sheperd agrees

Bailey: speaking of Sheperd… I'll have to move his procedure. It looks like the day is going to be busy.

Richard: I think so too. We'll fill him later (images appear). It blew…

Bailey: bleeding is massive. We need to take him into the OR immediately.

Richard: let's go. Where's Avery? (Bailey looks out and sees Avery talking to Reed and her patient)

Bailey: there (they stand up and go closer Avery). If you're not too busy we're going to operate.

Avery: excuse me, dr. Bailey. I was helping Adamson finding Greta's friend (the nurse pushes the guy's gurney and Greta grows pale)

Greta: Henry!

Reed: what?

Greta: it's Henry!

Bailey: Henry what? We don't know his name and couldn't call his parents.

Greta: I don't know his first name. But he hasn't parents. He lives with his brother (Avery looks up)

Avery: oh God…

Bailey: what?

Avery: the guy I stitched up this morning… he was looking for his brother…. Henry

Richard: phone him. Maybe we found his family (they start walking to the elevator)

Avery: and what do I tell him?

Bailey: that he's in surgery… splenectomy. Concussion doesn't look bad but Brad wants to wait for him to wake up (the elevator opens and Bailey and Richard go in) OR1, half an hour. Go and make that call.

* * *

Owen enters Derek's room eating a sandwich.

Owen: hey (he sits on the chair)

Derek: hey (he gives him a small smile). Bad day?

Owen: explosion in a school during a ceremony. We have a lot of tough cases going on and several coming (he looks at his meal). I needed to eat something (he takes a bite). What about you?

Derek: nothing special. My back hurts like hell, Bailey moved my procedure, my shrink has just killed me with questions… Bad day (Owen smiles biting his sandwich). Can I ask you something?

Owen: of course

Derek: I ask you as you told me once you don't talk about Iraq and… it's about it… not directly but… it's about it (Owen sets his sandwich down, unease clear on his face)

Owen: go…

Derek: have you seen accidents happening while you were there or… did they call you after everything happened?

Owen: I was there. Many times. You know… have a doctor ten miles away is useless. Many times we are useless even when we are on the scene… but… being far… no sense.

Derek: was it harder? (Owen swallows)

Owen: you don't want Meredith at the trial… is it about this? (it's Derek's turn to swallow)

Derek: yeah… We haven't talked about it lately but… I think she expects to be with me.

Owen: for you. She expects to be there for you. If you preferred her not to be… (he opens his arms)

Derek: she won't listen to me. Twisted sisters never listen to their husbands (Owen giggles and Meredith and Cristina enter the room together)

Owen: here they are

Cristina: what are you doing here?

Owen: eating (he takes his sandwich and bites it). And you?

Cristina: she wanted to come here and I came too (Meredith sits on the bed)

Derek: have you surgery?

Meredith: no. My patient has a minor concussion. I will monitor him later (her pager beeps)

Cristina: what does Brad want now?

Meredith: I don't know. But I need to let this in the chief's office.

Cristina: your thoughts on the day?

Meredith: no. My leave request for next week (her pager beeps again) It's better I go (she kisses Derek on the lips quickly). See you later.

Cristina: and the kicking lunch?

Meredith: I don't have time (she goes away and Cristina breaths out. Derek is rubbing his eyes. Owen clears his throat)

Owen: you should talk to her (Cristina looks at Derek and then at Owen)

Cristina: about what? (Owen offers her his sandwich)

Owen: eat this…

* * *

Meredith sees Brad running to the ER.

Meredith: did you page?

Brad: yes. We have a major case coming in (he pushes a door open and Meredith follows him)

Meredith: how major?

Brad: a guy with a severed spine. A pole fell on him. 2 minutes coming… (they exit to the ambulance bay) Have you experience with it?

Meredith: broken spines?

Brad: yes

Meredith: I have seen some surgeries.

Brad: good. Let's see what you've got.

* * *

Cristina sits in the cafeteria alone. She looks around but sees any of her friends. She starts eating her salad.

Callie and Arizona are back in the visit room with their patient. Callie is putting gloves on.

Callie: ok Daniel… the scan reveals your shoulder is really dislocated. Fortunately it doesn't involve tendons and nerves. I can fix it like this.

Daniel: like what?

Callie: like I'm going to take your arm and pushes the articulation back into its place (she gets closer)

Daniel: wait… wait… wait (he raises a hand but immediately winces) You can't do it like this

Callie: why not?

Daniel: it hurts.

Callie: yes. But it's just a second

Daniel: a screaming second

Arizona: you don't need to be ashamed if you scream…

Daniel: I'm not ashamed. I'm scared. Can't you give me something?

Callie: look… I know it's scary. But any med I can give you can't take the pain away. You'll feel it anyway. The only way you don't feel nothing is that I open you up with a scalpel. But you'd hurt later. So… really… relax. It will take a second. I'm good (she turns around and writes some note on the chart)

Arizona: she's really good at this

Daniel: it's kind of upsetting

Callie: what?

Daniel: adjusting people and bones like that…

Arizona: I think it's sexy (she smiles)

Daniel: as she's your girlfriend

Arizona: is it so clear?

Daniel: pretty clear… (Callie notices he's avoiding her eyes and she looks at him)

Callie: have you a problem with that? (Arizona turns to look at her)

Arizona: Callie…

Callie: don't give me that look. He told and… I felt….

Daniel: I don't like gays… and lesbians…. That's true. But I know it's my problem… not yours.

Callie: well… it becomes my problem if a patient can't even look at me

Daniel: so what? Are you going to fix me or not? (their eyes meet and Callie nods. She takes his arm)

Callie: I'm going to push up quickly now. On my three (the guy closes his eyes and nods)

Daniel: I won't scream… I won't scream…

Callie: One… two…

Daniel: I won't scream (she raises his arm violently and the boy screams). Oh… fuck…. (Callie lets his arm fall to the gurney)

Callie: it's in.

Daniel: I felt it…

Callie: now we put a strict bandage on and you can go (she turns around looking for something). Damn it…

Arizona: what?

Callie: they finished all stuff in here and didn't mind to resupply

Arizona: I go and take it (she leaves and an embarrassed silence fills the room).

Callie: you have to come back in ten days to put the bandage off and repeat the scan.

Daniel: do I have to come back here or can I go elsewhere? (Callie giggles looking at her pad)

Callie: you can go wherever you want (she looks up at him defiantly). Still… I prefer to treat my patients from the beginning to the end (Arizona comes back into the room. Callie starts doing the medication when Reed comes into the room)

Reed: dr. Torres… I'm sorry but we need you in the ER

Callie: two minutes and I'll be there. What's up?

Reed: girl with broken hip. She needs an implant.

Callie: I come (she tightens the bandage finishing and the guy flinches, she goes away without saying goodbye. Arizona looks at her and then at the patient)

Arizona: looks like you're free to go (Daniel jumps down the gurney). Good luck… (she turns around to leave)

Daniel: I didn't mean to offense you…

Arizona: you didn't. I got accustomed to that in years… She is not yet. And in young people it strikes more (she goes away)

* * *

Mark and Lexie are in surgery.

Mark is cleaning the wound. The skin is covered in blisters.

Lexie: crap…

Mark: crap doesn't say it all. This is more than crap (he breaths out) I thought they were trained for first help and emergency situations.

Lexie: who?

Mark: Paramedics. They pulled the dress off and this… (he points to the patient's arm, covered on plagues and completely burn) is the result.

Lexie: this should be one of the best memory ever.

Mark: what?

Lexie: prom… school parties…

Mark: if you can remember them…

Lexie: why wouldn't you?

Mark: if you were too drunk to remember?

Lexie: and were you?

Mark: all the time. Except when Derek obliged me to stay clean. And I'd rather not to remember the embarrassing dancing and singing…

Lexie: did you sing?

Mark: we were forced to sing… Stupid campus hymns and stuff like that

Lexie: really sad. Things really changed…

Mark: what does it mean?

Lexie: nowadays you just have fun.

Mark: nowadays? I'm not talking about 20s.

Lexie: but you're talking about 20 years ago. Parties had really to be different (her pager beeps and the nurse looks at it)

Nurse: it says it's your patient from room 1445

Mark: what the hell does she want?

Lexie: last time it was the TV which didn't have cable channels

Mark: go and take a look

Lexie: what?

Mark: she could really need something this time

Lexie: dr. Sloan… you're treating third degrees burns with interest of all layers of skin. We have a beginning of necrosis and need of irrigation. This is long way interesting then tuning TV for that psycho.

Mark: I know Dr. Grey. But go and take a look (Lexie breaths out and leaves the room)

* * *

Richard, Avery and Bailey are in the OR.

Bailey: oh God… bleeding is massive (the cavity is completely filled with blood)

Avery: I'm aspirating the faster I can

Richard: it's not enough. I think we have to take it out.

Avery: the whole spleen?

Bailey: any better idea?

Avery: no, but…

Bailey: what?

Avery: he plays football. And he is very good. If you take the spleen out he would be an invalid.

Bailey: better invalid than dead

Richard: what would you do? (Bailey looks up at him) What would you do Avery if you had the lead? (Avery looks at him and then at the patient)

Avery: we could try to stop the bleeding moving the kidney out of place.

Bailey: so he could lose the kidney. And the spleen would be gone already. And he'll live in dialysis forever on top of everything.

Avery: but… (Bailey eyes him coldly)

Bailey: what?

Avery: organs don't seem to be damaged for now. Maybe we can try (Richard looks to Bailey)

Richard: Bailey…

Bailey: this is crazy, chief. You know it.

Avery: but he's strong. And 17. It's worth to try (there's a moment of silence and Richard nods to Bailey)

Bailey: right then. Take a container, Avery. Prepare it to host the kidney all time necessary (Avery turns around and starts working, Richard and Bailey look at each other. A nurse enters the OR)

Nurse: excuse me, chief

Richard: yes?

Nurse: Mr. Maloney is here. He's in the waiting area.

Richard: ok… Dr. Avery

Avery: yes sir?

Richard: go and inform him (Avery looks down to the table)

Avery: I haven't…

Bailey: it's fine. I'll have a nurse do it. Just go (Avery takes off his mask and goes)

Richard: little rude.

Bailey: you pissed me and I took it out with the kid.

Richard: he didn't deserve it. Actually he deserved the prize this time.

Bailey: what for?

Richard: he won our bluff.

Bailey: oh that… do we need to tell him?

Richard: later… (he turns around and takes out a basin, already prepped) See? (Bailey grins under the mask)

* * *

Avery arrives in the waiting area and sees Finn. As soon as the guy sees him, he stands up and runs to him.

Finn: how is he? (Avery looks around and takes his arm)

Avery: come with me (they enter a conference room). Did you bring the photo with you? (Finn takes a photo from the pocket and shows it to Avery) It's him…

Finn: oh God… How is he?

Avery: still in surgery. He has a bad laceration to the spleen. We're doing all we can to save it.

Finn: save what?

Avery: the spleen. There's a huge bleeding. We're doing all we can not to take it out.

Finn: take it out? Wait… wait. My brother plays football…

Avery: I know

Finn: you can't take pieces from him.

Avery: I assure you we won't take anything unless it's not strictly necessary

Finn: well don't make it necessary! (he yells and Avery breaths out. Finn seems to realize and rubs his eyes). I'm sorry… I didn't mean…

Avery: it's nothing. Look… I promise we'll make everything we can. But now I need to go back.

Finn: sure

Avery: I'll come and tell you as soon as I have news (Finn just nods and Avery walks away. On his way to the OR he meets Lexie)

Lexie: that crazy bitch is driving me crazy!

Avery: who?

Lexie: my patient. Better… the patient Sloan dumped me this morning. First she had problems with the TV, now she doesn't like the food and wants to order in. Doesn't she see people are dying all around? (they arrive in front of the OR's doors)

Avery: I need to go (he enters his OR)

Lexie: me too (she enters the other OR)

* * *

Cristina enters Derek's room. He's not there and she looks around. She sees Peter.

Cristina: good morning…

Peter: morning

Cristina: I was looking for dr. Sheperd.

Peter: he is in the toilet

Cristina: oh… of course (she turns on her heels and then sits near Derek's bed)

Peter: don't listen to what he's going to tell you. He doesn't feel good. He hasn't improved. He still feels like crap.

Cristina: well… I'm not here for visiting him… (Peter looks at her coat frowning). I'm Meredith's friend and she sent me here.

Peter: Meredith's friend?

Cristina: dr. Grey… his wife (Peter giggles)

Peter: I kind of know who Meredith is. But you pointed out her friend… isn't Derek your friend?

Cristina: no… I can't really define him like that… (the door opens silently and Derek appears on it)

Peter: strange…

Cristina: what?

Peter: close friends melt their bonds… Your best friend's husband should be your friend too…

Cristina: do you think so? Seeing how Sheperd ended with Sloan… it's better I keep my distance (Derek giggles and Cristina turns around, he's walking to his bed)

Derek: you can sleep safely, Yang. I have no secret loves for you (he lays on his bed).

Cristina: I know. You sent Sloan chasing me, defining me cheap wine. I'm single malt scotch… And I'm out of your league.

Derek: to tell the truth I sent Mark behind you as I know you're worth the trial. But personally I don't want to try. You would be flattered though (he smiles to her and she rolls her eyes)

Cristina: yes… Keep saying yourself that, McDreamy. Anyway…. Mer told me to inform you she's in surgery. Long lasting surgery.

Derek: how long?

Cristina: hours. Broken spine.

Derek: oh… well I'll take a taxi then.

Peter: you'll what?

Derek: I'll take a taxi to go home.

Cristina: I didn't know you were going home…

Derek: Bailey has just told me. Better… she sent me a message. My procedure will be moved to day to be defined. And I'm not staying here. She'll come to discharge me in minutes.

Cristina: ok… (she looks at her clock) Owen leaves at 22. I'm off in two hours. I'll take you home and Owen will give Meredith a lift when she's done.

Derek: you said it'll take hours.

Cristina: I know what I said. But I drove her here today. I don't want her to take a taxi. And you don't want Brad to drive her… so… we'll do like this (they share a look) if you promise you won't chase me.

Derek: I guess it would be the last thing I do.

Cristina: you guess right. I keep a scalpel under my seat (she stands up) See you later (she goes away and Derek breaths out)

Peter: interesting person…

* * *

Teddy takes her car keys from her beg in the hospital parking lot. She slows her pace when she sees Andrew leaning against her car.

Teddy: hey

Andrew: hey

Teddy: I thought you were in Atlanta…

Andrew: I was. But it ended earlier and I couldn't wait to see you (he leans forward and kisses her) I missed you (she smiles and he takes a bottle from the ground) and I wanted to celebrate… (Teddy frowns)

Teddy: celebrate?

Andrew: dr. Lewis was in the convection too and I signed my contract (Teddy's face drops) and he gave me yours too.

Teddy: excuse me? (Andrew's jaw clenches in discomfort)

Andrew: I'm leaving, Teddy. In ten days. And I have been patient, I left you all the time to think and mope and think again. You have to decide now (she breaths out shaking her head)

Teddy: I don't… (he takes her hands)

Andrew: I know your friends are telling you off this. And I get them. They don't want to lose you… you're a great doctor and… you're you. But I don't want to lose you either (she breaths out again and sends a look to a doctor picking up his own car)

Teddy: can we just not do this here? (Andrew looks around) Just let's go to my place… (he nods) You'll follow me?

Andrew: actually I took a taxi at the airport…

Teddy: yeah… sorry (she opens the trunk and smiles) Put everything inside and let's go (she enters the car while Andrew puts his luggage in the car)

* * *

Arizona and Callie arrive in the ER, they both breath out seeing the place is a lot less crowded, they look around and go to the nurse station where Owen is filling some paper.

Callie: anything else we can do?

Owen: no, thanks. We treated them all. There is just some minor case but my interns are taking care of it (Arizona frowns when she sees a young doctor dropping a tray to the ground while treating a patient, she frowns more when he picks it up and is about to use everything again)

Arizona: I think… it's better you stop him (Owen raises his eyes quickly staring at the interns)

Owen: why?

Arizona: stuff fell and he is going to use them to stitch the guy up without sterilizing… Not good (Owen sets the papers down and walks to the small group)

Owen: dr. Tyler… what are you doing? (the doctor looks intimidated)

Tyler: treating the wound… (Owen stops in front of him, his hands on his hips)

Owen; what kind of wound is that?

Tyler: I… a cut

Owen: right. A cut. And what do we have to fear about cuts?

Tyler: infections?

Owen: perfectly right. So do you mind to tell me why in hell you dropped all the equipment and were ready to use it again?

Tyler: I… I didn't….

Owen: you didn't think it could be dangerous?

Tyler: no… it's clean in here and…

Owen: get the hell out! Get out! (Tyler runs away and Owen sits at his place and looks to the patient) I'm sorry.

Guy: mmm… he was clumsy (Callie and Arizona come closer)

Arizona: are you ok?

Owen: no. I'm not okay (Callie and Arizona share a look). Sometimes I'm sick of how stupid they can be.

Callie: you'll make the habit (she pats his shoulder)

Arizona: talking of making the habit… You didn't say any more word to our patient.

Callie: he was an ass.

Arizona: he wasn't. He just doesn't like homosexuals. Like thousands of people in the world. You can't behave like that to patients just as they don't accept us.

Callie: I acted professionally.

Arizona: you didn't. You didn't give him explanations or painkillers. Nothing.

Owen: what did he have?

Arizona: a dislocated shoulder.

Owen: ouch…

Callie: simple dislocation… Nothing bad.

Owen: it hurts anyway, I swear you

Callie: ok… so now I should be feeling guilty?

Arizona: a little bit

Callie: well… I don't. And I don't care if I'm terrible. I don't (she leaves and Arizona laughs)

Arizona: oh God… she is so childish sometimes.

Owen: she is just fragile (Arizona's pager beeps) Surgery?

Arizona: no… Callie. See you at Joe's?

Owen: ok (she leaves and Owen stitches the patient)

* * *

Lexie and Mark are scrubbing out.

Lexie: do you think he's gonna make it?

Mark: I really don't know. Injuries are really bad and extensive. The rate of infection is high… I don't know.

Lexie: he said he has a daughter…

Mark: Nurse Gillian told me she's fine. A little intoxicated, but fine. I need to go and talk to his wife.

Lexie: can I come or do you want to go alone?

Mark: come, it's ok (he opens the door and lets Lexie go out. They push the door open and approaches a woman, sitting on a chair). Mrs. Kirck? (the woman raises her eyes, red and bloodshot)

Mrs. Kirck: it's me. How is he? (Mark takes her hands and sits, the woman sits too)

Mark: I performed a very tough surgery on your husband. He suffered severe burns. I've done all I could to save skin and tissues. We just can wait now.

Mrs. Kirck: what does this mean?

Mark: it means I don't know what's going to happen now. We have to wait. And hope.

Mrs. Kirck: I ….

Mark: your husband was exposed to fire for some minute. Burns cover 30% of his body

Mrs. Kirck: oh my God…

Mark: the rate of infection is very high now. And we'll have to deal with a lot of complications. But we'll make all the possible, I promise (the woman sniffles and Mark rubs her back). How is your daughter?

Mrs. Kirck: your pediatric says she's fine. Darren protected her… and… she's fine (she sniffles again and Mark and Lexie share a look). Can I go and see him?

Mark: no (the woman looks at him and is about to speak). I know you're worried and that you'd want to stay with him. But you can't. You can't sit by his side for now. The risks are too high. Infections… Bacteria… You can't enter that room.

Mrs. Kirck: but he's all alone…

Mark: I know it's scary. But it's for the best. And your daughter needs you too.. You should go and be with her. I'll stay with him, ok? (she nods and stands up, a nurse comes closer and leads the woman away. Mark breaths out and Lexie takes his hand)

Lexie: hey… you did great

Mark: I know. I am great (he smirks and Lexie rolls her eyes). So… I'm gonna do what I promised and sit with the guy.

Lexie: lucky you. Me… I'm gonna see our vip patient and check on her.

Mark: wow…

Lexie: and then go home and take a long, relaxing, bubbling hot bath.

Mark: that's mean… I'm gonna sit on awful chair while you have fun all alone… Plus… I'm gonna be distracted by porny thoughts.

Lexie: poor man… Have a good night, dr. Sloan… (he kisses her cheek and leaves, Mark goes to the elevator, the door opens and he frowns seeing Derek walking out of it carrying a bag)

Mark: hey man… what are you doing?

Derek: I'm going home…

Mark: wasn't your little thing today?

Derek: it had but Bailey got caught in the emergency and I'm going home.

Mark: is Big Grey driving you?

Derek: no, she's in surgery. But I have a private car.

Mark: oh… (Derek raises his brows and Mark turns around to see Cristina approaching) dr. Yang…

Cristina: dr. Sloan (she looks strictly at Derek). Are you ready?

Derek: yep (she stretches her hand and takes the bag out of Derek's hand). I can carry… (she walks away quickly) my freaking bag.

Mark: don't make that face (he leans into his ear smirking). Maybe she's going to tuck you into bed (he enters the elevator and Derek leaves)

* * *

Meredith and Brad are in surgery. They're staring at their microscopes.

Brad: what did the hell happen to him!

Meredith: the chart says he fell off a stage. There was smoke and he was running and he fell down…

Brad: and landed on his back… What do you see?

Meredith: not much…

Brad: suction please…

Meredith: D3 and D4 look broken

Brad: kind of exploded… So?

Meredith: we should make an implant to stabilize them and check for neuro damages.

Brad: you're right… Can someone page dr. Torres, please? (a nurse picks up the phone) So?

Meredith: we keep the field clean and ready for her and start to make tests.

Brad: good. I'm right here if you need me (Meredith raises her eyes and meets Greg's eyes). It's your chance… Practice…

Meredith: ok… so I try to search for leg sensitivity… (she goes to the patient's feet and touches the pedal)… I can't see anything…

Brad: so?

Meredith: Uhm… he could have lost his functions… but it could also be some temporal problem… We should run further neurological tests …

Brad: I agree (Meredith nods)

Meredith: seeing the position of the trauma, we should also check his arms (Brad nods and Meredith punctures the palm of his hand. Fingers curl and she smiles). Everything looks good up here.

Brad: good (the door opens and Callie enters)

Callie: what have we got?

Meredith: male, 28. Two broken vertebras. We need an implant (Torres comes closer and takes a look)

Callie: definitely… What do you plan to do?

Meredith: we have run tests and got no response from his legs. But it could be everything. We need more but wanted to know what you planned to do.

Callie: well… I have to prepare all my stuff. It will take me half an hour at least…

Brad: we could go on doing tests…

Callie: with him open on the table?

Brad: better than closing him up and open again tomorrow…

Callie: not so sure about that… Anyway… I go and be back in twenty minutes. Run every test you can as, once back, he will be all mine (she leaves and Brad follows her with his stare)

Brad: friendly person… (Meredith giggles) it's better we proceed. What do you want to start from, dr. Grey?

Meredith: well… it doesn't look like the fractures have affected the marrow… but he could have some nerve severed…

Brad: so?

Meredith: I should try peripheral tests and see

Brad: ok… you have twenty minutes to do whatever you want. For what comes to me (he steps back and sits in a chair near a nurse) I'll be here relaxing and enjoying my crossword (he picks up a magazine and starts reading)

* * *

Bailey, Richard and Avery are scrubbing out for the surgery.

Bailey: do you want to go and inform the brother, dr. Avery?

Avery: I think he should be more comfortable with the surgeon who operated on him…

Bailey: I'll come with you. But I think he will feel more comfortable with the surgeon who treated him, who gave him news. And who happens to be little older than him. And more than that… you did great in there. You were focused, you were concentrated, you had nerve. And you picked a difficult choice.

Avery: what do you mean?

Bailey: you insisted to preserve what you thought was important to your patient, you were ready to take risks. And even to insist when your attending looked to have a different opinion.

Avery: I don't feel like it was a great moment of nerve. The contrary, I guess. You looked like you gave him for gone and…

Bailey: we have never given him for gone. We just wanted to let you think it.

Avery: I don't understand…

Bailey: you are smarter in the OR, Avery (she keeps washing her hands)

Richard: we had already decided to do that kind of repair. Everything was ready from the very beginning. We just wanted to put you at test and see if you would suggest it.

Avery: so that was a bluff?

Richard: yes. And you blew it (Richard pats his shoulder) We are in a teaching hospital, you are a student. I know sometimes you forget about it. But we are here to remind you, to let you see the thousand of things you don't know. You're at the beginning, dr. Avery. Always remember that (Avery nods) So… now we're ready to go out and tell the family he's going to recover fully and quickly. And to book a autograph in case he becomes the new Seattle's star in five years. Let's go (he opens the door and gestures Avery to go, they go out)

* * *

Andrew rolls off Teddy, they are in bed naked and sweated.

Andrew: oh God…

Teddy: you're really a God… (he bursts out laughing and she too, he turns around to kiss her, leaning on a elbow)

Andrew: you really can flatter my pride, honey

Teddy: I give you what is yours…

Andrew: what is mine is yours… You can have it whenever you want… You'll have it whenever you want (Teddy's smile drops and she looks away. Andrew falls on the pillow rubbing his eyes). You are not coming, are you?

Teddy: no (he pushes the sheets away violently and stands up)

Andrew: damn it Teddy! (he starts putting clothes on) What the hell was that then? Do you think you can use me like I was your manwhore? (she straightens up keeping the sheet close to her chest)

Teddy: I'd never do it. I care about you.

Andrew: well… not enough to come with me (he is buttoning his shirt angrily)

Teddy: moving far across the world is not just something about you. It's about me too.

Andrew: that's the point… (he looks up at her and she sees anger sparkling in his eyes). For you there is still "you and me" … For me there's just us.

Teddy: please… save me the psycho crap …

Andrew: psycho crap?

Teddy: you are mad at me as you say I can't give up everything and follow you but you couldn't say no to the offer you got. You thought to yourself. You thought to you. And then to me. There is no difference in how we see things.

Andrew: if you believe that… we had to stop this thing weeks ago

Teddy: maybe we had.

Andrew: well… we're doing it now (he takes his jacket and walks to the door, he opens it and Teddy is already crying. Andrew stops and looks back at her) What hurts me more is that in ten years I'll look back to my life and think about this and I'll regret the choice we took. I'll remember we could be happy together… And you'll remember it too (he closes the door behind his back and leaves)

* * *

_Memories are never dead things of our past._

_They are alive and vivid in our hearts._

_As meaningless things and people… just slip away without leaving any trace in our soul._

_It's what hits us, in good and bad, which marks a permanent sign, which earns a spot in our brain._

* * *

Derek and Cristina enter Meredith's home. Derek turns the light on and takes off his coat, he hangs it near the door and sets his keys on the table.

Derek: thank you

Cristina: that was nothing… (she waves her hand and enters the kitchen) Can I take some water please?

Derek: sure (he goes sitting on the couch, kicks off his shoes and sits rubbing his eyes. Cristina enters the room with a glass still in her hand)

Cristina: I'm afraid she'll need more than this (Derek looks up at her, surprised by her presence)

Derek: what? (she sits on a chair in front of him)

Cristina: you haven't said a word on the car… You haven't said a word once here. Meredith needs you.

Derek: I know.

Cristina: pull yourself together then! (she widens her arms and Derek looks away)

Derek: it's not that easy.

Cristina: no McDreamy…. It's easy. It's enough you talk. Your silence is freaking her out.

Derek: do you think me talking of how crappy I feel would make her better?

Cristina: maybe yes (he breaths out) She would know and she could help. She is not the dark and twisty running Meredith anymore.

Derek: I know that. But she can't help me in this. As for helping she should know, she should be in that court. And the last thing I want is having her there…

Cristina: you should let her decide.

Derek: no. I have decided. And I'm wrapping my mind to find a way to tell without hurting her.

Cristina: Meredith could deal with it (Derek stands up)

Derek: maybe she can. But for sure I can't. And I don't think you know what you're talking about (he leaves the room and walks up the stairs. Cristina hears the door of his bedroom slamming violently)

* * *

_Accidents …. People…. Fears…._

_Everything is stored in a long and alphabetical database._

* * *

Mark sees Mrs. Kirck and her daughter going out the hospital

* * *

_Brain is a sponge: it drinks everything and everyone._

_It sends us adrenaline when we remember something good._

_It lets us feel the sweetness we felt in the first place._

_The peace… the satisfaction…._

_Do you remember the first time someone told you you were a good doctor?_

_I do. And it was freaking delirious._

* * *

Meredith and Brad open the door of the scrub room and walk down the corridor.

Brad: I was really impressed by your skills, dr. Grey…

Meredith: what for? I have just found the reason he didn't respond the stimulations we were giving him…

Brad: do you call that a few? (Meredith shrugs)

Meredith: it's my job

Brad: give yourself some more credit. You caught up a nerve compression very rare and hidden. Not something you learn on textbooks. I'm very satisfied of your work. Residents like you make my job smoother (they get to the OR board and find Webber in front of it) Chief…

Richard: doctors (he smiles to them). How did the surgery go?

Brad: dr. Torres is still working on it but he should be going out of here on his legs. Dr. Grey found the reason of the momentary black out of his legs. He's neurologically intact.

Richard: good. Well done, dr. Grey.

Meredith: thank you (she looks at her clock) Well… I guess I should be looking for dr. Hunt now… (Richard sends her a quizzical look) He's driving me home.

Brad: I can give you a lift if you want.

Meredith: no, thank you. We had agreed before. He must been waiting for me somewhere. And then… it's part of the smoothing work… not driving residents home. You earn in sleep hours (Brad giggles and they part). See you tomorrow.

Brad: good night.

* * *

_Not like a hot night of sex_

_But delirious anyway._

_And it's something you don't forget. And you never get enough._

* * *

Teddy is still in her bed, she's leaning on her pillow and is still crying.

* * *

_It's difficult to let go of things you like._

_Their memory haunts you everywhere_

* * *

Andrew enters at Joe's. He gets closer o the counter and notices Hunt.

Andrew: a whisky, please

Joe: sure, doc (Andrew sends a furtive look to Owen)

Owen: good evening

Andrew: good evening (Joe sets the glass in front of him and he drinks It in one go. Joe's eyes widen at him). Another…

Joe: rough night?

Andrew: awful. Luckily I'll catch a taxi. Give me another please (Joe fills the glass and Andrew drinks it again. He sets the glass down and sits on a stool) Water… (Joe looks relieved and fills the glass, he leaves to other customers and Andrew rolls the item in his fingers staring at the content. He then drinks it, stands up and leaves a banknote on the counter, he notices how close he is to Owen). I think you might like to know that Teddy and I broke up. Unless you don't already know (Owen stops drinking and looks up to him)

Owen: actually I didn't know. I'm sorry (Andrew laughs bitterly and Owen looks surprised)

Andrew: you're not sorry. But before you start gloating about that…

Owen: start what? (Owen's voice raises but Andrew doesn't stop talking)

Andrew: let me give you one tip of wisdom, Hunt. Teddy broke up with me as she isn't ready to leave everything behind. She says it's too much and I would understand her. I would if it wasn't she isn't staying for what she assesses. She is staying for you.

Owen: what?

Andrew: so the next time you want to give smart advices, being the good friend, just think about the fact that she's still in love with you.

Owen: you're talking non sense.

Andrew: am I? You really don't get it, do you? I don't know what happened between the two of you… I really prefer not to know. Maybe it's because of the war thing… maybe it's some kind of PTSD… but she is still hoping. So my point is… next time remember about that before telling her off a relationship. You don't want to give her false hope, right? (he leaves and Owen stays there stunned)

* * *

_Until they stops being remembers and start being obsessions._

_Memories can't take people together._

* * *

Webber arrives in front of his office and finds Karev waiting for him.

Richard: I'm sorry… I missed our appointment for surgery…

Alex: I know you were busy but I hoped we could talk now

Richard: sure (he enters the office and Alex sits in front of his desk)

Alex: I know you may not like what I'm going to tell you (Richard's jaw tightens) and I want to point out that this has nothing to do with how you lead this place and the respect I have towards you.

Richard: get to the point, dr. Karev.

Alex: it's about the clinic. That place is empty and nobody even cares about it. Izzie… dr. Stevens and Dr. Bailey put a lot of effort to have it walk, you put a lot of money. And now it's dead. And I don't think it's right.

Richard: I know. I have tried to have it work but I haven't founds, I haven't people. Do you think I like seeing it like that?

Alex: still you don't do anything…

Richard: why don't you then?

Alex: I'm not cut for it. And me leading the Danny Duqette clinic… I don't think it's what Stevens had in mind… But I wrote some suggestions (he takes a paper from his pocket and settles it on Webber's desk)… I hadn't time to type it and… (Richard takes the sheet and opens it, he sets his glasses on his nose) I hope it can help you (Richard nods and Alex stands up). I didn't mean to criticize you… I just… I don't want that place to be wasted… (he goes away and Richard breaths out folding the paper on his desk)

* * *

_But they can let us feel them closer._

_Memories help…_

* * *

Meredith enters her bedroom and sees Derek's form in the bed. A small smile stretches her lips and she lays too. She kisses him on the cheek realizing he's already asleep. She takes his hand in hers.

* * *

_But love needs to be fed every day._

_Every moment._

_Every second._


	33. LOVE, LOSS AND LEGACY

Here I am. I put some upside down in this chapter.

I hope you'll love it as much as I do.

Our heros are both having a bad time in managing the situation they're living.

No judgments... I promise you good things (and bad too)

* * *

_Love, loss and legacy._

_Three sides of our life._

_We know people and we get to love._

_And somewhere along our path… our destiny is to lose them._

_Or they'll lose us. That's the same idea though._

_Love bring to loss._

_Fullness is the first pass leading to emptiness._

_Legacy fills the emptiness._

_It leaves us good things to bring with us, it gives us a treasure of experiences, a background of knowledge._

_But sometimes it can be a burden to keep on our shoulders, a shadow too big to overstep._

* * *

Meredith wakes up, she looks at the shining red clock showing 6.14. She yawns and frowns hearing a noise coming from the bathroom, she turns around and notices Derek is not in the bed anymore. She straightens up a bit but stops seeing Derek coming out of the toilet, only a towel wrapped around his hips, his hair still wet from the shower. He walks towards her smiling.

Derek: hey (he sits on the bed and kisses her)

Meredith: hey

Derek: sorry I didn't wait for you yesterday. I fell asleep on my book.

Meredith: never mind. I came very late and you were very very cute (she giggles and kisses him). Why are you already up?

Derek: I'm going to SG today.

Meredith: the Chief got you to work… today? (she lifts a brow and Derek strokes her cheek)

Derek: I want to work. I don't want to stay here the whole day… thinking… Work helps…

Meredith: I know… (she grins) I know something else which helps not to think (she raises on her knees and closes her arms around his naked back. She kisses him hard moaning into his mouth. A little elicited moan escapes Derek's lips too. Meredith's hands are in his hair and then roams on his chest, Derek stops her hand and breaks the kiss. Their eyes meet) What?

Derek: I want you (Meredith smiles)

Meredith: just relax then (she touches his chest again and is about to kiss him but he stops her)

Derek: we need to talk (she kisses his neck)

Meredith: later (her words are a whisper and Derek closes his eyes. He feels Meredith's lips and hands on his body and his mind gets fuzzy. With the last piece of rationality he stops Meredith once again)

Derek: Mer… (Meredith takes off her hands seeing all the unease and sufferance written on Derek's face)

Meredith: ok (she sits on the bed leaning against the headboard)

Derek: I love you…

Meredith: ok … (Derek swallows)

Derek: I want you. You were the only reason I kept breathing… but now… tomorrow… in next days… I need you to stay out of that court…

Meredith: why? (Derek looks around and stands up pacing in the room) We had agreed it was for the best. And Derek… I know you're worried about me but I can be there, I promise. And I wanna be there. I wanna be with you.

Derek: I know, Mer (he strokes his face nervously) But I can't have you near me. I couldn't… I don't know if I could make it through. Just staying up there telling things while you're listening… I can't.

Meredith: you don't want. That's the point. You have given me hell for months as I didn't share and now you're doing the same. Does it never come to your mind that it's frustrating?

Derek: I'm sorry

Meredith: well don't be! (she stands up and gets closer to him, he sits on the bed and she does too) I love you Derek… you know I do. And I wanna be there for you, it's not so difficult to understand. You keep closing me out and I don't want to press you but I just can't stay here watching you destroy yourself. I was patient… I have been patient for months but all I got was a session with dr. Wyatt where you threw a lot of facts on my face and I took them all. I want the sharing now, I want the talking. And above all I want to help you.

Derek: and I want your help (he takes her face in his hands) But you coming to the trial… won't help (Meredith diverts her eyes, she wipes a tear away and stands up. Derek looks to her concerned as she is sniffling)

Meredith: I'm going to be late for rounds (she enters the toilet and Derek stays sit on the bed)

* * *

Bailey and Jackson are in Henry's room. The boy is still asleep and they are checking on his vitals.

Avery: pressure is good, temperature is fine, he had no fever during the night, the pee-bag was full this morning and the urine was perfectly clear.

Bailey: good (she makes some signs on the chart). Did you take blood?

Avery: it's already in the lab (Miranda makes another note on her checklist)

Bailey: ok… so now?

Avery: we have to check the incision and possibly take out the tube.

Bailey: and what are you waiting for? (Avery nods and sets a pair of gloves on, he pulls the sheet down and discovers the scar, a red sign cutting the boy's abdomen)

Avery: everything looks fine. No sign of infection, no liquid coming out… It looks good. The skin is dry and tender (he sets the bandage back and covers the patient). Now I have just to feel his throat to check glands (Bailey makes a sign with the pen she's holding and Avery messages Henry's throat on both sides). They're normal.

Bailey: ok, the guy got lucky… (she starts writing on the chart again and Finn enters the room. He is wearing the previous day's clothes, they are creased and his face is tired and worried)

Finn: good morning

Bailey: Mr. Maloney… did you spend the whole night here?

Finn: of course (he is sipping a coffee). He is my brother… and it's not like I had someone else waiting for me at home (Bailey gives him a tender smile, feeling for the relationship between the two)

Bailey: we checked everything and the post op is running really smoothly. I expect him to wake up soon. He will be a little groggy and sore at the beginning... but he's going to recover quickly.

Finn: Can't I stay here? I mean… Henry is a lightweight… He'll freak out. I don't want to disturb you or the nurses but… (Bailey approaches him and sets a hand on his shoulder, giving him another smile)

Bailey: you can't stay all the time you want. It's your brother and that's his room. You don't bother anybody. Dr. Avery will come to take a look every time and then. If you notice he's waking up, push the blue button and we'll be here in seconds.

Finn: thank you (Bailey and Avery leave the room and arrive at the nurses station together)

Bailey: it's stunning how appearances can mislead us…

Avery: don't I know it… When I treated him yesterday I thought he was a brainless over pumped guy. Finally… he just likes loud music and tattoos…. And he loves his little brother.

Bailey: it must be difficult to raise a brother being a boy yourself… Do you have brothers, Avery?

Avery: yes, one. Colin… He is five years younger than me.

Bailey: it's good to have sisters and brothers… I was… I am a singleton. And I've always said I didn't want to make my own son singleton too.

Avery: well you have time (Bailey raises her eyes to look at him, an unreadable expression on her face) to have… to make… You're still young… (he clears his throat) I think his exams can be ready, I go and take a look

Bailey: yes, it's better (Avery walks away and Bailey laughs)

* * *

Mark exits his patient's room stretching and yawning. He feels a nasty pain in his neck, result of the uncomfortable sleep on the chair in the patient's room. He enters the man's toilet and open the flaw, splashing his face with cold water to wake up. He hears water flushing in a toilet, a door opens and the chief comes out smiling and stops in front of a free sink.

Richard: dr. Sloan… (he starts washing hands while Mark is still wetting his face)

Mark: chief… (Richard frowns seeing his demeanor)

Richard: are you ok?

Mark: actually I feel like crap. No offence… but if you want to avoid a lawsuit, spend some money to buy new chairs for patient's room … It's a small outgo but it will help a lot.

Richard: did you sleep with a patient? (Mark's face raises, a hint of embarrassment paint on his face)

Mark: not with a patient… in a patient's room. Male patient. In a chair, as I said.

Richard: oh… it's a news

Mark: I am a sensitive doctor. He was alone and I promised the wife I would stay with him.

Richard: so you stayed there to impress his wife

Mark: no. That's not the reason. I stayed in there as she couldn't. And that's not the heart of the problem. The problem is that those chairs cause new patients. A relative comes to SG to take care of the sick loved one, he just stays on your chair, and boo hoo. Next day he has a crick in his neck and needs sessions with a physiotherapist. It's not a good advertising. A good method to have more patients… but not a good advertising (Richard smiles, but Mark realizes his smile is full of irony and sarcasm)

Richard: probably you're not in strict confidence with our "visit protocol"… but our policy is really simple and clear. And when patient's dears are over a certain age, at the admission nurses provide rooms with very comfortable couches and special chairs. You had to request them, Sloan. The chairs you slept on… are just for younger visitors (he pats Mark's shoulder and open the door to exit)

Mark: I'm young! (Richard waves his hand saying hello walking away, out of the toilet Lexie takes a glimpse of Mark in the toilet, she approaches the door and stops it)

Lexie: morning (she smiles brightly and Mark arrives at the door) Did you sleep well?

Mark: like crap (he walks out and starts marching down the corridor)

Lexie: oh… I'm sorry… Is the patient fine?

Mark: yes. He slept in a very soft bed. Unlike me.

Lexie: well… I'd like to sleep in a very hard bed rather than being like him (Mark stops and Lexie nearly bumps into him) Ohm… sorry (she smiles to him and Mark seems to get some of his good mood back)

Mark: sorry (he kisses her) I wasn't very kind to you.

Lexie: it's ok. You had a rough night. And I couldn't sleep that good either… all alone (she adjusts the collar of his labcoat and Mark leans into her ear smirking)

Mark: get an OC room and have some sleep today. I have nasty thoughts for the night (he kisses her cheek quickly and Lexie shivers) See you later dr. Grey

* * *

Arizona, Callie and Bailey are sitting in a conference room. Callie is checking her I-phone.

Callie: do you know what's this about?

Bailey: I have no idea.

Arizona: the chief didn't mention a meeting in the week program.

Bailey: so probably it was not planned… (Teddy enters the room, slightly out of breath. Her hair is messy and she looks like she hasn't slept. Her demeanor is hollow and her smile doesn't light up her face as usual)

Teddy: hey

Callie: hey (she shares a worried look with Arizona) Are you ok?

Teddy: not really.

Arizona: you look like you're not fine indeed. Andrew?

Teddy: definitely Andrew. I broke up with him after the most earth shattering sex I had in months (Bailey looks at her, her mouth agape)

Callie: why?

Arizona: it was the sex. She wasn't used to it. You were confused, Teddy. Her head was still spinning. Call him… Maybe it's not too late.

Callie: she isn't going to call him because they didn't break up for sex ecstasy.

Teddy: right… it was not for that… He just cornered me and I couldn't lie to him anymore.

Arizona: and you had goodbye sex?

Teddy: no. I told him after. I feel so bad I used him and just kicked him out.

Bailey: you have a right to feel bad. Now just stop talking about your indecent behavior (Mark enters the room and eyes them), we're here to work (Brad, Owen, Richard and Webber finally get into the room. Richard closes the door and everyone takes a sit. Mark eyes Derek who sits near him)

Mark: what's this about?

Derek: don't know.

Richard: morning all. I'm sorry I gave you a short notice but this problem got my attention and I want to work things out. As you may have noticed, and I specially address to the old ones, our free clinic has become a desert lately. No patients, no activity, nothing. It has crossed my mind to close it some week ago… but some of you stood up for keeping it open. I talk about dr. Bailey in particular.

Bailey: Are you scolding me for that?

Richard: but… if we want to keep that structure open, we need to put more effort in it. We need to make it work. And this is not possible without your help.

Mark: I'm not going to show girls how to use condoms

Derek: just shut up… (Callie giggles but gets seriousness back when she notices the cold stare Webber is giving to her)

Richard: I'm surely not going to ask you to get involved in aspects which don't concern your specialty

Derek: condoms concern his specialty (the others laugh and Richard breaths out) Sorry…

Richard: but I ask you to be concerned. This said… I expect each of you to deliver to my office a plan with a list of activities and arguments your department is going to promote through the clinic (attending start to mumble and Richard raises his voice). There's not a lot of money and you have to count only on yourself, your residents and their interns. I want that place to be shining again. I expect your files on my desk in two days. You can go people (everybody starts to stand up). Just Sheperd and Brad… I need you two minutes longer (all the doctors go out but Brad and Derek). How do you plan to interact in this?

Brad: to tell the truth… I didn't know you had a clinic till today. I have never seen the place. And being Sheperd the head of the department… he could deal with that better than me (Derek eyes him coldly and Richard sees it)

Richard: you could be right except…

Derek: I'll do it. It's not a problem.

Richard: are you sure?

Derek: yes. I won't have patients today and I had prepared Peter's post op course before surgery (Richard looks at Peter)

Richard: did you find that file?

Brad: no. I had written it myself.

Derek: what are you talking about?

Brad: Fletcher's meds. The Chief asked me to prepare his prescriptions and I spent the whole day doing it. There was nothing in his chart.

Derek: I had it in my stuff

Brad: that's why I didn't get it

Derek: well… come to my office and I'll give you a copy

Brad: of course (his pager beeps and he looks at it) If there's nothing else the ER needs me (Richard nods and Brad leaves. Derek stands up too)

Richard: what's going on?

Derek: what do you mean?

Richard: I am not a stupid, Derek. What's going on between the two of you?

Derek: nothing. I don't like him and he doesn't like me. Nothing you need to worry about (he gives him a small smile and is about to leave) I go.

Richard: what about tomorrow?

Derek: what about it?

Richard: I haven't received Meredith's request of day off. It's routine but I need it.

Derek: she won't though. She won't come with me.

Richard: what?

Derek: I asked her not to. Better… I begged her. And I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about it.

Richard: your lawyer is coming here today

Derek: I know. I gotta go now (he leaves, Richard stays there doubtful looking at his form passing beyond the blinds)

* * *

Meredith, Cristina, Avery, Reed and Alex are on the balcony looking at the conference room all the attending were in.

Cristina: what do you think that was about?

Avery: I don't know…

Reed: but the two of you should know (Cristina looks at her annoyed)

Cristina: if I hadn't baby sit McDreamy probably I would know by now (Meredith sends her a deathly glare and Cristina shrugs)

Meredith: maybe there's nothing to know about

Alex: maybe… (he stops and everyone turns to look at him)

Reed: what?

Alex: nothing…

Cristina: what did you do Evil Spawn? (Alex breaths out and his cheeks paint in a light shade of red) It's about the clinic, isn't it?

Meredith: the clinic?

Cristina: yes… he's pissed as the clinic is empty. And you faced the chief, didn't you? (he keeps silent) I told you he was going to kick your ass but I swear to you, Karev… if I have go down there to show drunken boys how to roll a condom on their penis, I'm going to break your ass and Torres will have to fix my leg. So I'll get more surgery time and you'll get bed time.

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: what?

Meredith: it's Izzie's place. And I feel bad it was left behind. If there's need of help, I'll be in (her pager beeps and she leaves patting Alex's shoulder. Reed and Jackson share a look)

Avery: I'm sorry for what we told you some day ago. I had no idea that place was so special…

Alex: just cut the crap, ok? You hate it and you'll keep hating it. As you're too full of yourself to spend two hours a week to teach stupid things to stupid teen agers or to help lonely nannies. So don't pretend you care.

Cristina: and where does this caring come from? The clinic has been there for years and you've never given a crap for it… well… but for the time we caught you screwing the redhead nurse. Now… what's up with you?

Alex: nothing is up with me. It's just that before it was Denny's place. Now it's Izzie's place. And I won't feel guilty if I feel bad about it crumbling down (his pager beeps and he leaves)

* * *

Owen and Teddy are in the elevator alone. Teddy is looking straight in front of her, flashes of her steamy sex with Andrew popping in her mind. Owen sends her some look uncertain if speaking or respecting her silence.

Owen: I saw Andrew yesterday (Teddy looks at him stunned and Owen swallows) at Joe's. He told me about you (Teddy just nods and looks away) I'm sorry

Teddy: thank you

Owen: are you ok?

Teddy: not that much… but I'm going to survive. Was he mad at me?

Owen: no. More drunk I guess… And… more pissed at me.

Teddy: at you?

Owen: yeah. Apparently he thinks it was what I told you which made you decide in that direction (he looks at her waiting for a denial but she doesn't say anything) Is that true?

Teddy: I'm a grown up woman, Owen. I can make decisions by myself.

Owen: that's what I thought. Why are you so beaten up then? (Teddy giggles)

Teddy: do you want a full list or will you take the short one? (she turns around to look at him) I'm beaten up as I liked him, I was falling for him and, he hadn't the bad timing to leave now, it could work. He was smart, funny and good looking. And I liked him. And now you tell me he was in bar drinking his ass off for me. Andrew… who never drank anything but a good glass of red wine. This is not really improving my mood. And the clarity I did the right thing. So I'm sorry I'm not cheering up for the new notch on the tree of my love's failures.

Owen: Teddy…

Teddy: just drop it Owen. Think of your marriage preparation. It's better (the doors open and she leaves)

* * *

Derek knocks to dr. Wyatt's office and is invited to go in. He stops on the door and Dr. Wyatt welcomes him with a warm smile.

Dr. Wyatt: dr. Sheperd… good morning

Derek: good morning… I know I haven't an appointment but I wanted to take just five minutes of your time (she nods and invites him to enter, he sits on her couch). I know I'm an awful patient (Dr. Wyatt leans into her chair folding her arms on her chest, a curious look on her face). It's not that I don't respect you or your job… as I do

Dr. Wyatt: so what's the matter?

Derek: I think I'm not ready to say things out loud.

Dr. Wyatt: and what do you think you'll do tomorrow? Just keep your mouth shut and let the man walk away free?

Derek: no. Of course I won't.

Dr. Wyatt: so what is stopping you? Are you scared of me?

Derek: no, it's not that.

Dr. Wyatt: what then?

Derek: it's just that… there I think I don't have choice. Here, I have it.

Dr. Wyatt: so you're exercising your right of choice bottling everything up? (Derek sinks in the couch a little more). Look, Derek… I want to be frank with you. You're a smart man. And a good person. I'm sorry I was rude to you yesterday. I was trying to get something out of you, a response, an answer, a reaction, anything. And I failed. I failed like you acted like a punching ball in the morning and during our session too. This kind of interaction won't work. Not to you and not to me. It will hurt you and it will make me feel bad. I perfectly got your unease and the straws I sent you… you didn't deserve that. I thought that keeping pushing you would do something but I was wrong. At this point, I really don't know how to deal with you. You have to choose to be here. You have to be ready. You have to come here alone.

Derek: what do you mean?

Dr. Wyatt: leave everything and everybody else out of that door. Be true to me… do you think I talk to someone about these sessions?

Derek: don't you?

Dr. Wyatt: of course I don't. Dr. Webber is the person responsible of your path here but I keep him posted about your progress. I tell him if you're working on your fears, I don't tell him what you say in here. You're a doctor, Derek. How can you doubt I would break the professional secrecy?

Derek: I'm sorry (he rubs his eyes)

Dr. Wyatt: and Meredith… she never came to me asking for something. She wants you to talk to her. I thought this little thing was kind of assumed. Why are you so worried about what people can think of you?

Derek: as everyone is talking behind my back… Do you know someone is trying to get that damned video? They are excited to see what happened… And the thought that Meredith could do it just makes me sick.

Dr. Wyatt: there are a lot of people who are sick, who are morbid and want to see things. Why do you think crime dramas have a lot of fans? But you can't lose yourself behind those people. That's your life, Derek. That's you, Meredith, your baby and your family. Screw the others. Do you think they care if you heal or nor? Meredith does care. What do you think she'll feel when you tell her you want to face this all by yourself?

Derek: she'll feel like crap. Right how she's feeling after I told her this morning.

Dr. Wyatt: don't you feel sorry about that?

Derek: I do feel sorry. But I thought I had to do things which could help me feeling better.

Dr. Wyatt: you have indeed. But don't forget your wife on the way (Derek stands up and Dr. Wyatt stretches her hand, offering Derek his file)

Derek: I really want to try to do this.

Dr. Wyatt: your way or mine?

Derek: can we do mine till the end of the trial?

Dr. Wyatt: are you really negotiating with me?

Derek: I'm just trying not to implode before this thing is legally over (Dr. Wyatt puts the file back on her desk)

Dr. Wyatt: ok (Derek turns around to leave) And Derek…

Derek: yeah?

Dr. Wyatt: I don't know how your days will go or will be filled, but I'm here if you feel to talk.

Derek: I know

Dr. Wyatt: and if you don't want to talk… I wait for you once the trial is over. I won't chase you anymore.

Derek: I know.

* * *

Meredith is at the ER, she's writing notes while questioning her patient. The woman is on her 40s, brown hair and green eyes. She is sitting on a gurney.

Meredith: so when did the headache start?

Mia: yesterday… I thought it was stress… or the fact that I'm writing my romance and I'm in front of the notebook the whole day…

Meredith: are you a writer? (the tone in her voice is excited and Mia lightens up)

Mia: yeah… I'm… Better… trying to be

Meredith: we need to try to achieve. I'm trying to be a surgeon. I'm not yet

Mia: that's kind of comforting…

Meredith: were you saying?

Mia: well… yesterday I had a really harsh migraine. I took an analgesic and went to bed, I tried to sleep on it. But this morning it got worse and it had never happened. And I came here as it's not the normal headache you know… (she looks up at Meredith) Do you know?

Meredith: of course. I have headaches myself… Why do you say it's different?

Mia: the pain is different. It's not throbbing… It's like having ants in my head. And I have fever.

Meredith: maybe you're getting the flu

Mia: in June?

Meredith: it's rare but possible. Are you allergic to something? Pollen… trees anything which could cause this?

Mia: not that I know

Meredith: did you travel lately?

Mia: no…. I don't have time to travel. Don't you think it's a shame I spend my life imagining people and places rather than living them really?

Meredith: not if you like what you do (she sets her notepad down and looks at the woman smiling). So… we'll run some routine tests… blood, urine just to check it's not flu. I'll send you my intern and when you're done and the tests ready, he'll call me back, ok?

Mia: sure (Meredith gestures her intern to come closer)

Meredith: so dr. Michels will take care of you (her pager beeps) and page me when exams are ready

Dr. Michels: ok

Meredith: see you later

* * *

Avery is sitting in a conference room writing notes on some chart. His pager beeps and he looks at it. He stands up ordering folders on the table when a nurse comes into the room hastily.

Nurse: dr. Avery…

Avery: yes?

Nurse: you need to come… It's mr. Maloney

Avery: I know. I got the page. I'm coming (he smiles to the nurse and keeps adjusting things)

Nurse: not in ten seconds, now. There's something really wrong, he's hyperventilating and… (Avery runs to the room, the patient is trying to pull wires tubes away and his brother is trying to calm him)

Finn: Henry… Henry… calm down. You're ok (Avery pushes him aside and tries to have the guy lying down on the bed)

Avery: Henry… Henry… listen to me. I'm doctor Avery and I operated on you, you're fine, ok? Calm down…

Henry: I'm… I can't…. oh God

Avery: you were in a accident, you were in an explosion. But you're ok now. We got you and you're ok. But you need to lie down now. You had a surgery and you can't pace like that. Lie down, please (he pushes his shoulders down till Henry lies flat on his back). That's it… Ok… (Bailey enters the room)

Bailey: what's wrong?

Avery: nothing… he woke up and he had a minor panic attack. He's calm now… Are you Henry?

Henry: I'm not… I can't…. Why can't I… (Avery looks at him more carefully than before and notices he is staring blankly at something in front of him. He passes a hand in front of his eyes but the patient doesn't seem to notice)

Avery: oh crap… (Bailey looks at him and then gets closer. Avery flashes a light in his eyes but gets no response. Bailey takes the item and does the test too, without reaction)

Bailey: Henry… I'm doctor Bailey… Can you see me?

Finn: of course he can see you. What kind of question is that?

Bailey: can you see me, Henry?

Henry: I can't see… I can't see… It's all black… Why can't I…..

Bailey: stay calm, ok? Avery, page Brad, now

Brad is in Henry's room. He is running tests on the guy, trying to realize if the pupils react to light or not. When he's done he walks away from the bed, sets the penlight in his pocket and goes out. Bailey and Finn follow him, Avery stays in the room trying to calm Henry.

Finn: what the hell is wrong with him?

Brad: I don't know. Maybe the optical nerve was damaged by the fire.

Finn: what do we do then?

Brad: nothing

Bailey: what… (her face is painted with shame)

Finn: what does it mean "nothing"?

Brad: it means that we'll run tests to see what happened. It can be a temporary lesion… it can be permanent… it could ne the optical nerve, it could be not

Bailey: dr. Brad…

Brad: let me finish, dr. Bailey. I'm running tests and then we'll see what to do.

Finn: but how is it that you didn't realize this before?

Brad: your brother was unconscious when he got here, Mr. Maloney. He wasn't awake. There was no way we could realize he was blind (Meredith arrives and stops in front of them)

Meredith: did you page?

Brad: yes. Mr. Maloney (he handles her the chart and Meredith looks at it)

Meredith: the guy with the concussion?

Brad: him, right. He has just woken up and he is blind.

Meredith: blind?

Finn: he can't see

Brad: dr. Grey knows what blind means, thank you (Bailey looks bewildered at him, Finn goes back to his brother's room and Avery comes out)

Bailey: are you even capable of compassion?

Brad: when I want. The guy came out of an explosion. He's lucky he's alive.

Bailey: that's true. But he's 16. Just close your eyes and see how wonderful life is.

Brad: if I close my eyes I won't see anything. If you excuse me, I go to arrange tests to find out why he can't see (he marches away and Meredith follows him). Your patient in the ER?

Meredith: my intern is running tests.

Brad: suspects?

Meredith: some but I want to wait. And Mr. Maloney?

Brad: pupils react to light. We need to run an MRI. Get it available

Meredith: ok

* * *

Alex arrives in a conference room and sees Mark sitting inside. He's playing with a pencil absent mindedly.

Alex: did you page?

Mark: yes, sit down. Department meeting (Alex sits on the chair). I'm going to meet Mrs. Swanson tomorrow. She is supposed to land in Seattle this evening … I'm going to fill her with the news on her surgery… better… the non surgery. She's a particular woman, I'll ask her if she allows your presence, if not… don't take it personal.

Alex: it's not a problem. I mean… I would like to be here but… if she prefers not… I'll stay out

Mark: good. That's good talking… The second thing… as you have surely noticed the chief summoned us up this morning. He wants to give new shine to the clinic. We are asked to make proposals… (in other conference rooms every attending is making the same speech to the resident assigned to the department)

Teddy: to make a list of things we'd like to promote through the clinic (Cristina has an enigmatic expression)

Bailey: to give hints and cues of interests (Avery is reading a pamphlet)

Owen: we're lucky as I have a lot of stuff from my previous experiences (he is setting boxes on his desk and Reed is taking folders out)

Derek: and everything within two days (Meredith looks at him concerned)

Meredith: do you have time to make this?

Derek: I think so. I have some ideas (Meredith's pager beeps and she looks at it) Go, you're busy (Meredith walks away, after some step she turns back on her heels and approaches Derek. She kisses him on the cheek but Derek realizes her eyes are glistening with tears) Mer…

Meredith: I'm mad… but I'm with you, ok? (she spills more tears and walks away)

* * *

Teddy, Callie and Arizona are sitting in the cafeteria having lunch. Teddy is playing with her fork and lettuce, the meal untouched.

Callie: trying to starve to death, now?

Teddy: what?

Callie: you haven't eaten anything…

Arizona: not that salad is something… but… not nothing

Teddy: I'm just not hungry. And I guess I'm not a good company either, I'm sorry (she stands up but Callie stops her)

Callie: just stay here… (she sits back snorting)

Teddy: I didn't think it would be so difficult… I mean… I'm young, I'm not a pity case. And he was good. What do the hell I want from life?

Callie. You're not talking about Andrew now…

Arizona: no…. not at all.

Teddy: of course I'm talking about him (Callie raises her brow noticing Owen entering the cafeteria)

Callie: that's the him you're talking about (Teddy turns around and turns back abruptly, a frown on her face)

Teddy: no… not Owen.

Callie: so Owen. I thought you were over him.

Teddy: I am

Arizona: you are not

Callie: your mood towards Andrew has changed after Hunt popped Yang the question.

Arizona: are you jealous?

Callie: she is like green jealous

Arizona: you should do else

Callie: are you inviting her to jump him?

Arizona: of course not, she'd make herself ridiculous

Teddy: can you just stop talking about me like I was not here? As I am here. And I'm not involved in anything concerning Owen. Not like you suppose anyway. We are friends… we were something… we have been something. But it's gone. And it won't come back.

Arizona: every time you start a new story it comes back

Callie: it's the heritage the two of you created

Arizona: it's the compare you fatally make. Andrew just couldn't hold it up. And you dumped him.

Callie: it's simple

Teddy: it's crazy

Arizona: it's human. When a story ends you can have consequences for years.

Teddy: Owen and I never had a story.

Callie: oh

Teddy: we had a sort of platonic love. We were attracted… we had a feeling… but we have never been a couple. So I never do compares between him and others as I have no compare

Arizona: it's sad

Callie: what the hell are you saying?

Arizona: she's throwing away her life for him and she doesn't even know if he's worth

Teddy: he is worth (Callie and Arizona share a smile and pat their hands)

Callie: we got you

Teddy: excuse me?

Arizona: you had never admitted that… we got you (Teddy's face hardens and she stands up with her tray)

Teddy: thank you for the tricky game. That's what friends are for, right?

* * *

Meredith enters a supply closet and finds Cristina and Owen kissing passionately. They part out of breath and see Meredith frozen on the door. Owen cleans his mouth and Cristina takes the hand around his neck away)

Meredith: oh… I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It wasn't locked up and…

Cristina: don't worry. We are not shy.

Meredith: I leave you so that you can go on… working (Cristina bursts out laughing and Owen looks at her)

Owen: what?

Cristina: she is blushing… (Owen looks at Meredith whose cheeks are pinking visibly. Meredith feels the heat radiating from her skin and tests it)

Meredith: I'm not… I'm not blushing

Cristina: you are… What are you? Excited? (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Meredith: sorry if I'm ashamed to run into my best friend and her fiancé having sex in a closet

Owen: we were not having sex

Meredith: really? (Meredith stares at him and Owen's eyes lowers to his private regions, his excitement evident under his scrub pants, he turns around to hide)

Cristina: ok… I turned him on a bit. You used to do that too in the morning. Isn't Sheperd responding to you lately? (Meredith's face tenses and Cristina gets she's hit a nerve, she gets serious) Are you ok?

Meredith: I am and Derek is functioning perfectly like usual (the small smile Meredith is giving her is enough to reveal her unease and Cristina locks the door behind Meredith's back. Meredith looks surprised). I'm not staying here with the two of you.

Cristina: you will and spit it out. What Derek did to upset you like this?

Meredith: I'm not upset

Cristina: you are. Come on, Mer. What did Sheperd say to you?

Meredith: nothing… just that he doesn't want me tomorrow

Cristina: at the trial? (Meredith just nods sitting on a chair, she adjusts her hair biting her lip. Cristina gets closer and kneels in front of her, her hands on Meredith's knees, rubbing them)

Meredith: I don't know what to do. I want to help but he won't let me. It's like I don't know him anymore.

Owen: and you don't indeed… (both look at him, stunned by his sentence). Don't get me wrong… But the Derek you know and love is not the man concerned in this thing.

Cristina: what are you saying?

Owen: I say the man you married won't never close you out like this. But he is scared. He is scared to let you know this part of him, a part which lives only in what happened. And he feels that if you went there, if you went to the trial, you wouldn't be able to look at him like you did before this happened. And I don't want to intrude, Meredith, but he's right.

Meredith: did he say those things to you? As it looks too brooded from you to come out like this.

Owen: he did… not clearly… but he implied it in something he asked me. About Iraq. He knows I don't talk about Iraq but he asked me. And I would do what he feels if I were you.

Meredith: why?

Owen: it's complicated to tell

Meredith: try. As apparently I'm the only one my husband doesn't talk to.

Owen: you have a picture of him in your mind. Your husband, your Derek. The man we all know. If you took part to that trial… that image will be gone. You wouldn't look at him like a man anymore. You'll keep just seeing a victim, a ghost of the person you used to know.

Meredith: I wouldn't

Owen: you would. And you will. Why do you think I lived in Seattle for months without calling my mum? (he looks at Cristina) Tell her…

Cristina: as she couldn't see you? (Owen nods)

Owen: she couldn't see me. I wasn't her son anymore. And if you go in there, Meredith, you won't be able to look at Derek in the same way anymore. And he knows that. He is terrified by that. So don't do it, don't make it worse for him (he goes out leaving Meredith and Cristina alone, Meredith is wiping some tear away and Cristina is rubbing her knees soothingly. Mer's pager beeps and she stands up)

Meredith: my patient's lab are ready. I have to go.

Cristina: ok

* * *

Avery, Reed and Alex are having lunch silently.

Alex: you can call me names if you want… just for five minutes

Reed: why should we do that?

Alex: as I guess your attending has dropped the news about your new task

Avery: you mean the clinic….

Alex: that's it

Reed: I'm not that disappointed. Hunt has a lot of ideas… great ideas actually. He says he has a lot stuff to introduce and he is really excited about that…

Alex: really?

Reed: yeah… he didn't talk that much but he said something about the activities he led in his missions.

Avery: bombing tanks?

Reed: no, genius… They led a sort of camp for Iraqi or something like that… They don't do only war in those countries.

Avery: no? I' didn't know. I really don't picture marines having safe sex lectures to Muslim women

Reed: as they don't do sex lectures. But they do vaccinations, they do prevention. Don't you never see reportages? (Avery narrow his eyes at her and Reed shakes her head). Just forget it. And what does Bailey say?

Avery: she was just waiting for it. Clinic was her kingdom. She gave me a full load of papers to read and to be prepared on. It's just that I don't know where I will read them…

Reed: why? Busy night?

Avery: no. My patient…

Reed: the guy with the ruptured spleen?

Avery: yes… more the blind guy actually…

Alex: he's blind?

Avery: he woke up this morning and he couldn't see

Reed: oh my God… Can you fix it?

Avery: I don't know. Brad took charge and he has told me anything from this morning. All I could tell the brother is thank to Grey. That man is a jerk …

Reed: maybe he just wants to wait to be sure.

Avery: he had no touch to the family, no sensitivity… anything… Even Bailey got mad.

Alex: guys like him don't give a crap of patients or colleges.

Avery: but he wouldn't behave like that if Sheperd got his balls back… He'd lower his head and rest in the doghouse to cry on his ass.

Alex: we've just to wait for it to happen (Cristina sinks in a chair near them with her tray, Alex adjusts uncomfortably on her seat)

Cristina: your ass is safe by now

Alex: what a relief

Cristina: Altman was too stoned to give me the moral crap this morning. I just have to avoid her in the next hours and she'll do the job by herself.

Alex: that's what the chief asked for… team work

Cristina: just think of yourself… What Sloan will propose? Make up classes?

Alex: I don't know. We are not that concerned by now. Swanson will be here tomorrow. We are writing the official speech.

Cristina: your ass is not that safe then… She'll take the skin off yours and Sloan's face… And the clinic will be a mirage for the both of you.

* * *

Derek is sitting at his office behind his desk, he is writing notes. The light is low and the door is open, there are doctors and nurses going up and down the corridor, a house music in the background. A young woman stops on the doorframe, breathing out when she sees Derek. She knocks and Derek looks up, a welcome smile stretching on his face. He stands up and approaches the woman who has taken some step into the room.

Derek: Mrs. Smile… good morning (they shake hands)

Smile: Lauren… Lauren is fine, ok?

Derek: sure (he goes back behind his desk and sits, the woman still standing) Are you comfortable to stay here or…

Lauren: perfectly… it's fine. Can I sit?

Derek: sure… excuse me. I am not used to meet people in here (he starts ordering papers and charts and items on his desk. Lauren takes a look around, her attention is caught by the model of the Empire State Building she remembers being in the Chief's office)

Lauren: missing New York?

Derek: oh.. that? It's just a gift a patient gave me… He dreamt to go there and…

Lauren: he thanked you for you made it possible

Derek: right… so… I guess there are a lot of things I should know about tomorrow…

Lauren: yes. Did dr. Webber give you my memo?

Derek: yes… (he takes a file from under the pile). I read it, I got almost everything.

Lauren: I know it was boring and technical but I wanted you to know how the trial will work out. So… have you any question?

Derek: no… it was pretty clear.

Lauren: mr. Richardson informed me the district attorney accepted his request of short trial

Derek: good… that's good… isn't it?

Lauren: it depends on what we want… on what you want actually (Derek swallows and looks away). Dr. Sheperd… your position towards mr. Clark is going to be decisive for the outcome of this trial. If there's something I need to know… you should tell me now (Derek looks down on his desk, patting his fingers on the desk)

Derek: you won't like it

Lauren: I'm your lawyer. I'll like everything you want.

Derek: I feel for him… for Mr. Clark. I know it sounds fool… but I feel for him. He lost his wife, life, freedom, everything. And I'm sorry for it.

Lauren: he chose it

Derek: not the whole. Just the me part …

Lauren: that's what you should be concerned about.

Derek: I am. But the two things are kind of disconnected. I haven't put what happened behind me… but I have no grudge for him.

Lauren: so are you going to give him your forgiveness? As… well… I should know it.

Derek: would that be a problem?

Lauren: nothing you do is a problem for me. I'm here for you. And if your instinct says to forgive him and save him some jail… do it. I forced your instinct once and… I've always wondered what would happen if… Maybe I had to let you talk with him after our first meeting… I was so sure letting him go was for the best and… In law school we are taught that medical suits must be solved without feelings, no connections to patients… no admitting mistakes or doubts… This line proved to be ineffectual … So I guess it's better to make what you want.

Derek: I want it to be over. I want it not to start. There are a lot of things I want. But none will happen. So I guess we just have to do what we have and let the grieve and the regret slip away (Mrs. Smile put her files in her bag and looks up at him)

Lauren: I'm not trained to do this but I will (she stands up). I know it's not much… nut I'll try to protect you and your privacy as much as I can. No details, no images… I won't even call you at the deposal. I don't know you that much but I feel it's what you wish. It will be over soon, dr. Sheperd. I promise. I owe you this.

Derek: you owe me nothing

Lauren: you're not the only one who is disconnected here. See you tomorrow at the court

* * *

Brad is writing notes on his chart and Bailey approaches him.

Bailey: news about Henry?

Brad: not new ones from last time you asked me ten minutes ago. And not new ones since your resident asked me five minutes ago. Can you just let me work, please?

Bailey: I'd let you work if you were actually working.

Brad: excuse me?

Bailey: are you working now?

Brad: of course I am.

Bailey: it looks to me you're exercising your brain differently (she points to the crossword which appears from Brad's pocket)

Brad: what I do in my spare time doesn't concern you. Mr. Maloney is my patient now and I don't have to post you every two minutes. I do it as I know you're sympathetic with him and his brother, that doesn't mean I have to take your abuse every time you're upset on something.

Bailey: have you called me a moody?

Brad: dr. Bailey… I really don't get why you're so hostile to me

Bailey: I'm not hostile

Brad: you are. You keep barking at me but I'm not one of your students. I'm a fellow attending… how I busy my time is none of your business as long as I take care of my cases. And I am (Meredith walks down the corridor and joins them, she smiles to Bailey)

Meredith: I have just picked up Mia's tests and I was right. There is no doubt. She has contracted Meneng (she handles the file to Brad and he flips pages looking at it)

Brad: where is she now?

Meredith: I have started the emergency protocol. She is in a room by herself, a nurse is at the door and stops anyone going in or out. The infection seems to be at the beginning. I have already prescribed antibiotics and treatments. I just wanted to show you so that you could sign everything (Brad signs the chart).

Brad: good work, dr. Grey. Have you informed her?

Meredith: yes. I've just left

Bailey: were you in contact with a woman affected by Meneng? (Meredith frowns surprised by Bailey's question)

Brad: that's how we are supposed to make anamnesis. We stay with the patient, we make questions.

Bailey: that's not what I meant (her pager beeps and she breaths out) Excuse me… (she walks away and Brad follows her with his eyes, then he turns to look at Meredith)

Brad: do you want to stay on the case?

Meredith: sure. She is really scared and I have the feeling she trusts me. If you give me your placet I'll go back and start the meds right away.

Brad: good… Go on. If you are done early I'm gonna make further tests on Mr. Maloney… Look for me around, you'll find me (he brushes her shoulder with his hand and walks away. Meredith takes her folder and walks down the hallway. She stops seeing Derek on the catwalk. She approaches him)

Meredith: hey

Derek: hey… I haven't seen you around.

Meredith: it's a busy day… I have a lot of good cases.

Derek: yeah?

Meredith: yes. I have a guy with blindness we need to figure out and a woman with a rare form of Meneng

Derek: Meneng? (his face tenses and Meredith shows him the chart)

Meredith: yes. She came into the ER for a headache but from what she told me I got suspects. And I was right (she smiles widely and Derek's face hardens even more). And now I get to follow her full path of treatment (she stretches her hand but Derek keeps the chart in his, his eyes looks full of concern and Meredith frowns). What? (Derek swallows and then looks down, when he looks up to her Meredith is taken aback by the coldness in his eyes and voice)

Derek: I take on this case. Go find Brad for the blind guy.

Meredith: excuse me?

Derek: you're off the case dr. Grey (he turns to leave but she takes his elbow and makes him turn on his heels to face her. The Chief sees the scene from his office and goes out)

Meredith: what are you doing, Derek?

Derek: I'm doing nothing, dr. Grey. I'm just taking care of this case myself.

Meredith: no, dr. Sheperd. You won't. That's my case and dr. Brad…

Derek: I'll let Brad know I assigned you to something else. That's it (he tries to walk past her but she moves to stop his way, Richard is behind Meredith)

Meredith: I can't believe you're doing this… What's wrong with you?

Richard: dr. Grey… dr. Sheperd… what's going on?

Derek: nothing is going on. I have just told dr. Grey I want to take care personally of a case.

Meredith: my case actually (her voice is a hiss and Richard stops her)

Richard: I don't think it's the case you go on with this scene here. Let's go to my office

Meredith: but…

Richard: my office… now (he walks away and they follow him. They sit in front of his desk ignoring each other and Richard sits on his chair). So? Does anyone want to tell me what's going on?

Meredith: well, I won't. Ask him. I was just working on my case and he kicked me out (Derek shakes his head)

Richard: Derek?

Derek: dr. Grey…

Meredith: dr. Grey? (she narrows her eyes dangerously but Richard raises a hand and she silences snorting)

Derek: dr. Grey informed me she was working on a woman affected by Meneng. I thought it was my duty and responsibility to take her out of it

Meredith: duty and responsibility? Are you even listening to what you're saying? You just wanted my case and took it like you did in past. Isn't the paper work enough for you?

Richard: dr. Grey… (Meredith turns to look bewildered at Webber. She tries to speak sometimes but fails. Derek, near her, is showing signs of nervousness and uneasiness. She clears her throat)

Meredith: if you start with dr. Grey you're giving him right. But he hasn't. He has no right to do this.

Derek: I have. I'm your boss.

Meredith: you're not. Brad is (Derek giggles)

Richard: dr. Sheperd is still your attending. He is supervising Brad's work. He can assign people where and when he wants. And above all he can intervene when he thinks his staff is acting senseless. And, out of truth, I am even ashamed we are having this discussion (Meredith keeps silent, an incredulous look on her face. Derek finally snaps standing up)

Derek: it's useless. She pretends not to understand or she doesn't and I don't know what's the thing which upsets me more.

Mreedith: well tell me, enlighten me (she stands up to, her arms on her chest, a defiant look on her eyes). Let me guess… Are you trying to prevent Meneng?

Derek: it's your attending you're talking to now (Derek's eyes are sparkling with anger but Meredith doesn't back off)

Meredith: so I deserve an explanation, right? Colleague to colleague

Derek: fine. You want to be treated like a colleague, I'll treat you like a colleague. I'm not working on a sensational trial, I'm not after some extraordinary discovery. I'm only doing my job. And my job is to treat patients. But doing that, I have to manage people, I have to make sure my residents, interns, nurses… everyone… works safely. I have to make sure their health is safe. And today dr. Grey's health was not safe. As, five months pregnant, she didn't get that working on a infective woman could be dangerous for her and the baby she's carrying (Meredith's face tenses, a mask of anger and disbelief)

Meredith: you kicked me out as I'm pregnant? (Derek just swallows and breaths out, his head shaking in disbelief) Do you think I'd put my child in danger? Do you seriously think I'd do something like that? (Derek keeps silent and Meredith shakes her head) How do you dare? Meneng has a low risk of…

Derek: it has a low risk. It has a low risk (he raises his voice hissing) That means it is not riskless. What does the protocol say?

Meredith: I don't…

Derek: what does the protocol say? (his voice is very high and Richard comes between the two of them and sets a hand on Derek's shoulder to calm him down)

Richard: Derek…

Meredith: no, it's fine. Dr. Sheperd made his point crystal clear. I'm going to work with dr. Brad. That said to my attending… I'm going to cut the crap and talk to my ass of a husband. I've never been as insulted as now in my life (her eyes are glistening with tears and she walks out of the room. She opens the door and meets Brad, she ignores him and goes away. Brad follows her suspiciously with his eyes, then he closes the door and stops in the room)

Brad: you paged, Chief?

Richard: I did. Sit down (both Derek and Brad sit and Richard leans on his desk, standing in front of them). Today something really bad happened… and I expect you to give me… us profuse explanations for it.

Brad: what are you talking about?

Derek: have you read the internal protocol?

Brad: of course I have

Derek: so why in hell did you let your pregnant resident work on a very risky and infective patient? (Brad leans in his chair)

Brad: oh that…

Derek: right that (Derek is getting more and more annoyed and Richard stares at him worried)

Brad: that's simple… She wanted to. I asked her if she wanted out and she said no

Derek: so that was enough for you?

Brad: it was (Derek stands up pacing in the room nervously). She felt comfortable with the patient and she didn't feel she was a threat to her status. That said… (Derek is in front of the window looking down on the hall, he turns around to look at Brad, sensing the change in his tone, from professional to sneaky) I didn't think I had to worry more of her child if she didn't (Richard looks at him bewildered but his attention is soon caught by Derek who is marching towards Brad threateningly. He sets himself in the path between Derek and Brad before Derek can do something stupid)

Richard: it's not worth Derek…

Brad: if we're done I have a surgery in five minutes (Richard nods). Can I use Grey or is the surgery too stressful on her? (his pager beeps and Brad walks out, Richard looks worried at Derek who is standing in the room, his eyes closed, breathing in and out to cool down)

* * *

Meredith is walking down the corridor in a haze, tears streaming down her face. She wipes them when she notices Avery coming to her.

Avery: is it true?

Meredith: what?

Avery: are you operating on Henry?

Meredith: yes… he has something pressing on the optical nerve (she snorts and Avery looks at her. Cristina joins them from another direction)

Cristina: is it true? (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Avery: yes, they're going to operate on him

Cristina: him?

Avery: Henry

Cristina: good for him. I was not talking of that. Go away

Avery: but…

Cristina: go away! (Avery disappears taking a turn on the left, Cristina looks to Meredith who avoids her)

Meredith: not now Cris…

Cristina: come on, Mer… What happened? You look like you have just stopped crying

Meredith: oh I have… (she wipes more tears away and Cristina takes her hand stopping her)

Cristina: you treated the woman with Meneng?

Meredith: don't use that tone with me.

Cristina: which tone?

Meredith: the "what were you thinking Mer" tone. The Chief's and Derek's tone.

Cristina: did you fight?

Meredith: his head nearly exploded and he took the case. And I didn't get why till he said it straight in my face. How can he think I would do something… (she gets the unease in Cristina's face and stops talking)

Cristina: you didn't do it on purpose.

Meredith: but I did wrong… that's what you're saying?

Cristina: you know you did

Meredith: it's a remote complication.

Cristina: but it's possible. Look Mer… I don't want to fight with you. Anyone wants.

Meredith: Derek looked quite happy to scold me

Cristina: I think he was sick worried. And I am sure that if you stop two minutes and think about it, you'll agree too.

Meredith: well I don't want to think now (her pager beeps and she looks at it)

Cristina: my shift is officially off. See you tomorrow?

Meredith: ok. Good night.

* * *

Teddy arrives in the attending lounge, she enters the toilet and stops seeing Arizona and Callie kissing. They part sensing a presence.

Teddy: sorry… I hadn't heard you (she goes back in the main room and the two surgeons follow her. Altman is putting her belongings into the beg and Callie approaches her)

Callie: I'm sorry for today… we joked and…

Arizona: we're sorry.

Teddy: I know. I'm sorry too. Usually I have a good sense of humor. I blew your joke and over reacted. I don't behave like that usually.

Callie: luckily it doesn't happen all days to break a relationship you relied on.

Teddy: it's not that. It's just… I thought I could move on… I thought I could fall in love again and start a new life but apparently I can't. I just pretend I can. But I keep carrying around a big burden.

Arizona: named Owen

Callie: Arizona…

Teddy: don't…. She's right (she falls sitting on a couch, her head in his hands). How can I make it go away? (Arizona sits near her, rubbing her back soothingly)

Arizona: you can't. Unless you don't find someone you really like. It happened to me too. I had a girlfriend after med school. I was crazy for her and we were so happy. And then she dumped me for a hot doctor coming from Boston. It took me years to come out of that whole. Every time I met someone… she didn't look enough, I stayed in the relationship for some month and when it was starting to get serious… I ran away. And one day, I met Callie. And the ghost… the burden now rest in my closet.

Teddy: so I don't have to lose hope… that's what you're saying?

Arizona: I'm saying you have to lose the hope… the illusion he will come back as he won't. It hurts… I know it hurts. And you have to see him every day, being part of his new life which involves you as close friend. But you can't put it on him. He was clear to you, wasn't he?

Teddy: from the first moment I got here. And I like Cristina, I don't want to mess up with their life. I'm an honest person. I'm not a home wrecker.

Arizona: you're on the good way then… Andrew was not the good one to move on with.

Callie: and forget the mind blowing sex he was giving you. Any man can give you sex.

Arizona: even any woman.

Callie: Ari… I don't think she wants to go there

Teddy: no, actually. I… I'll wait for the right man for the moment.

Arizona: just don't wait passively. Enjoy the world, live the possibility… Go out, meet people, do something which can make you feel good. Cut your hair…

Callie: her hair is beautiful

Arizona: dye it. Make a change. Everything will come as a consequence. Trust me… I'm an expert

* * *

Bailey is sitting in the gallery watching Brad and Meredith operating on Henry. Webber arrives and sits near her.

Richard: how is it going?

Bailey: good, considering he has a knot of smoke pressing on his optical nerve.

Richard: smoke?

Bailey: yeah… somehow it stayed stuck on his airways causing the pressure. Our majesty picked up the exams an hour ago (Webber eyes her quickly). I heard you had a very exciting meeting in your office.

Richard: I'd define that anyway but exciting. First Grey and Sheperd…

Bailey: I tried to warn her when I got to know what she was working on. I guess Sheperd lost his wits.

Richard: that's an understatement. I don't know…

Bailey: what?

Richard: Sheperd had to say it loud. She wasn't thinking of the risks. Maybe they were really slim and we overstepped with our concerns.

Bailey: overstepped? What is the sense of eating deprivation for nine months if you then stay stuck in a room with a woman who is a living bacteria?

Richard: I don't know…

Bailey: you don't know as that's Grey… and you just have a thing for her which clouds your judgment

Richard: I don't have a thing for her

Bailey: you have. Don't even try to deny it. How could you manage to take Sheperd off Brad?

Richard: Fortunately he didn't lose completely control. He was on the brink though. And I wouldn't like to be Meredith when she goes back home.

Bailey: are you going to the trial tomorrow?

Richard: no. Derek doesn't want anyone. I met his lawyer today. She said to do what he wants. We will all stay here (she looks at her but she avoids his glare). I mean all.

Bailey: I get what all mean

Richard: so your day off is just a coincidence? (she narrows her eyes at him)

Bailey: it is. I have a life outside here. Even if you don't respect it paging me in for tricks. I have a meeting with my sucking ex husband for Tuck's custody (she breaths out shaking her head). Who would expect the wedding day that everything will sort out like this? Papers… lawyers… social workers…

Richard: It's a mess. Especially with a kid in the mid. The worst things in relationships is hurting kids (Miranda looks at him and his eyes borrow on Meredith's frame)

* * *

Mark joins Lexie in the hall, a wide smile splayed on his lips. He sneaks an arm around her shoulders and lifts her head to meet their lips.

Mark: ready to go? (Lexie stares at Mark and he reads doubt in her look). What?

Lexie: I… I have… I have heard of Meredith's fight with Derek and I thought that maybe it would be better if we stayed home. I mean… she's gonna need support and Derek too so I have thought that we could stay home… order in… watch a film…. Pretend to mind our business just to be there in case they need anything. Why do you look at me like that?

Mark: as you're rambling. And I love it (she hits his chest playfully) And that's ok for staying at you r place. If you really want to be there for the make up sex… just let's go there. It could be exciting and erotic to hear them scream and go at it ourselves…

Lexie: you're a pervert!

Mark: and you like me that way… (they kiss again) We can go everywhere but you're all mine tonight. You won't take me out of this giving me some familiar crap. Mr. Kirck improved a lot today. His wife is with him with their daughter. I deserve some family time too.

Lexie: family time?

Mark: yeah… you and me…

Lexie: family?

Mark: are we not? (Lexie's face shows a puzzled expression, she looks carefully at Mark searching for signs of malice or joke but she can't find any. A wide smile spreads on her face)

Lexie: family… (she takes her hand and they walk out of the doors holding hands)

* * *

Meredith and Brad are in the OR together.

Brad: everything is right, dr. Grey? You look thoughtful…

Meredith: I'm fine, thank you.

Brad: you stand there… all silent… Has it something to do with the chief's thing?

Meredith: I don't want to talk about it now.

Brad: why? Bottling up is never a good way to face things… Spit it out… It will help

Meredith: I don't think so. I just prefer to focus on our surgery.

Brad: ok… as you prefer… I didn't think you were the type of person who would accept to be set on the bench like this (Meredith looks up from the microscope at him). And as for the surgery… we are done. Good work dr. Grey. Will you close him up, dr. Nelson?

Nelson: sure

Brad: let's go, it was a long day (both Meredith and Brad scrub out, Meredith washes her hands quickly and goes away. Brad walks out of the room just in time to see her entering an OC room. He opens the door and sees Meredith sitting on the bed, her elbows on her knees, her forehead resting on her palms. She doesn't look up and he closes the door, he walks in front of her leaning with his back to the opposite bed) Are you ok?

Meredith: No. And I'm sorry the chief yelled at you for my superficiality.

Brad: superficiality?

Meredith: I didn't have to treat that patient. It's out of the rules, it's out of the good sense. It hasn't even crossed my mind it could be dangerous…

Brad: you were focused on your job. And probably it was my fault too. I had to insist… to tell you things.

Meredith: you're not my baby sitter.

Brad: I'm your referent at the moment. And I know that you're having a difficult period. I had to care more.

Meredith: I'm not a pity case

Brad: I didn't mean that. But tomorrow you'll go to a trial for attempted murder.

Meredith: I won't. I forgot to tell you I'll be right at my place tomorrow.

Brad: what?

Meredith: he doesn't want me there and I won't go. I will work… be on your service if you want.

Brad: of course I want. You're a brilliant resident, you're talented. I thought to give you more space and autonomy in the next weeks. We can start from tomorrow (Meredith nods and stands up, Brad straightens up). Let me know if you need anything… You're a good person and I'm sorry to see you always moody and sad.

Meredith: dark and twisty… not moody and sad

Brad: oh sorry (they giggle) So it wasn't that hard to have you laugh… My resident are always supposed to laugh

Meredith: we'll work on that

Brad: I count on it (they shake hands in agreement) Good night, dr. Grey

Meredith: good night, dr. Brad (he leaves the room and Meredith sinks on the mattress pinching her nose)

* * *

Derek is in the kitchen, he is drinking a glass of single malt scotch. He hears the door opening and looks into the corridor just to see Mark and Lexie entering together. Mark can clearly see the disappointment painting on his face.

Derek: hey (he goes back into the kitchen, Lexie looks at Mark worried and they take their coats off. They join Derek in the kitchen)

Mark: hey man… you're all right?

Derek: I'm fine. Have you seen Meredith?

Mark: no. Lexie?

Lexie: no. But I have seen her name in the OR board right before leaving. She must be still in surgery.

Derek: right. I've prepared this stuff if you want to eat something.

Mark: don't you?

Derek: I'm not hungry. I go upstairs to take a shower and I have some stuff to arrange for tomorrow. See you later… (he walks out the room and Lexie sits near Mark)

Lexie: I wouldn't bet on the make up sex tonight…

Mark: me either. I just go to talk to him five minutes, ok?

Lexie: sure (they share a quick kiss and Mark leaves, he goes up the stairs and arrives in front of Derek's room, he knocks and opens the door without waiting for the permission. Derek looks up at him, he's unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt and then proceeds to unbutton all the rest)

Derek: I'm fine, Mark. Just go and stay with Lexie.

Mark: I'll do it, we've got plenty of time. Are you pissed with Grey?

Derek: don't pretend you don't know. I guess everybody does. We've been fighting the whole day… when I thought we had made up, I got of her patient.

Mark: maybe she was just a little be nervous for tomorrow… It's a big deal for the both of you.

Derek: I know. But how can we talk about it if she doesn't show up? I don't even know where she is and I've been calling her for hours now.

Mark: Lexie told you she's in surgery. She'll come.

Derek: she said I have offended her like never before. Maybe she's right (Mark looks at him concerned and Derek goes on speaking). I actually assumed she doesn't care enough of herself and our child.

Mark: she did a stupid thing and you had every right to let her notice. You care about her.

Derek: I'm afraid that's not the message she got

Mark: Derek… Grey can be unpredictable but she's not stupid. She cares about you and your baby. Once cooled down, she'll get it. Maybe she didn't like the form but the meaning was right. You don't need to worry about that.

Derek: sure… (Derek stands up) my shower is ready… (he walks into the bathroom closing the door behind his back)

* * *

_The heritage every of us bring along himself is really a big deal._

_Our parents… our family… friends… build the person we grow to be._

_They hurt us, and once we are hurt, it doesn't go back as we find people who love us._

_We feel better… so much better… but the fear of being hurt again just stays there._

* * *

(Meredith is sleeping in an OC room, her cell, near her head on the pillow, vibrates without ringing, Derek's name on the screen)

* * *

_Some things are so big. Still they fit in a backpack you keep on your shoulders._

_The greatness of a love not reciprocated_

* * *

Teddy and Owen exit from the same elevator, Cristina is on the ground floor and takes Owen's hand.

* * *

_The weight of a lonely life_

* * *

Alex is at the clinic, he is staring dully at the space in front of him.

* * *

_The drama is that this old stuff can affect our life and destroy our love_

* * *

Owen and Cristina are asleep, Cristina's cell starts ringing and they both wake up suddenly. She pats the nightstand till she finds the phone.

Cristina: it's Sheperd… Hallo? No… She's not with me. She was in surgery when I left. Hasn't she come home yet? Maybe the surgery lasted really long… Ok… let me know (she hangs off) Meredith didn't go home.

Owen: what?

Cristina: it was Derek.

Owen: I got that (Cristina turns around and cuddles on his chest)

Cristina: he was worried sick as she's not answering the phone. Her car is in the parking lot though.

Owen: maybe she fell asleep somewhere

Cristina: maybe. She's acting weird lately

Owen: you're always weird

Cristina: but she is more lately and we were not talking about me. I think Brad is filling her head with crap.

Owen: Meredith is a woman… She can take care of herself.

Cristina: no, she can't. She's freaking out for the baby and Derek and that ass is taking full advantage of it. And she doesn't get it (she turns around and takes the clock from the nightstand, she adjusts the time on 5.30)

Owen: what are you doing?

Cristina: adjusting the waking time. I'm going to Mer's before work. And you're coming too.

Owen: ok… can we sleep now?

* * *

_It can cause losses._

_And once you have a new scar in your heart… life becomes unbearable._

* * *

Derek is pacing in the kitchen, it's morning and Meredith hasn't come home yet. He keeps looking at the clock and his cell. Mark enters the room yawning, still in his pajama.

Mark: morning (he opens the fridge and drinks some milk from the cartoon. Lexie arrives too)

Lexie: Mark… can you use a freaking glass, please? (Mark looks at Derek to find comfort but Sheperd is rubbing his eyes with both hands)

Mark: are you ok, Derek?

Derek: Meredith didn't come home tonight.

Lexie: what? And where is she?

Derek: I don't know. The only thing I know is that she didn't get hurt. I have phoned to all hospitals every hour to check (Mark leans a hand on his shoulder)

Mark: why didn't you call us? (Derek shrugs and rakes a hand through his hair. The front door opens and Lexie runs into the corridor, she comes back seconds later disappointed)

Lexie: it's just Cristina (Cristina and Owen enter the kitchen)

Cristina: who did you expect? The president?

Lexie: just my sister (Cristina looks at Derek, immediately getting his tiredness and worry)

Cristina: isn't she here?

Owen: apparently not

Cristina: I'm really going to kick her ass this time (she storms out of the kitchen but stops suddenly at the door finding Meredith in front of her)

Meredith: whose ass? (Cristina looks at her and then turns to look at Derek, whose eyes are fixed on Meredith. Meredith follows her gaze and meets Derek's eyes. The air can be cut and Mark clears his throat)

Mark: let's go people… Everyone out of here (they all walk away and Meredith sets her beg on the counter. She looks at Derek who is leaning against the fridge)

Derek: where have you been?

Meredith: at SG. I had a surgery and then… I needed some space. I have fallen asleep in an On Call Room

Derek: I was worried sick

Meredith: I was in the hospital…

Derek: that I know. As after calling every ER, every hospital of the state of Washington and after Cristina told me at 2.30 you were not there, a nurse called to tell me your car was still in the parking lot.

Meredith: I'm sorry. The surgery with Brad was longer than expected and…

Derek: Brad? (he nods and sets a glass in the sink)

Meredith: you don't have to be mad at him. It was my fault, Derek. I made a wrong choice. Even if he's going to take the fault for me…

Derek: taking the fault for you? (he approaches Meredith, hand on his hips. She can easily notice anger bubbling up in him) It has never crossed his mind to take the fault for you. He said he didn't feel obliged to care of our child more than you did.

Meredith: you probably misunderstood…

Derek: Don't play with me, Mer.

Meredith: what does it mean?

Derek: it means exactly that… Are you really so numb or are you playing with me?

Meredith: I don't know what's going on with you. But you should really stop calling me a moron. And you should stop that anger and hate you have to Greg Brad.

Derek: I have… I have controlled it. I have been controlling it for a long time. As I kept saying myself that I had nothing to fear. But now I'm really starting to be afraid. And that's not about him, it's about you.

Meredith: how can you say that?

Derek: as you keep saying that there is no problem, that he is not chasing you. He is all over you, Meredith. And believe me… It's not just jealousy. I'm used to men looking at you, you're a beautiful woman and men look at you. But you usually don't notice… you don't care. With him you look to appreciate these attentions (Derek tries to find a contact but Meredith looks down on the floor) What's going on? I know I've been distant lately… with all this stuff going on I have neglected you… But that guy is just going to use you (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Meredith: he is not going to use me and he is not after him. He is just kind and wants to teach me my job. What the hell is your problem with him?

Derek: my problem is that you don't see him for what he is. He told straight to my face he wants into your pants

Meredith: what?

Derek: who the hell do you think was your secret admirer?

Meredith: are you kidding me?

Derek: I am not. I didn't tell you because I wanted you to get it. But you just don't.

Meredith: good… I'm the stupid freak again

Derek: stop implying things I don't say! You're my wife and I trust you. You're my wife and I love you. I think it's my right to warn you about things I don't like. And I don't like him.

Meredith: so, what am I supposed to do?

Derek: keep the distance, don't let him intrude in our life

Meredith: he never has

Derek: he does. And I've never seen you so unsure and doubtful as lately.

Meredith: it has nothing to do with him.

Derek: are you sure? (Meredith looks away breathing out) I'm just worried for you.

Meredith: you're over thinking things (Meredith's stubbornness is setting Derek off and he raises his voice frustrated)

Derek: I'm seeing things. That man is hitting on you and is trying to manipulate your mind. Should I be sorry if I worry about this? (he slams the palm of his hand on the counter)

Meredith: no. You should be sorry about the fact that if you had worried earlier about hitting people and manipulating minds probably you wouldn't be going to a trial today (Derek makes a step back, Meredith's words thundering in the room living his mouth agape, the sentence hitting him like a punch in the gut. Meredith's lips are trembling, sensing the gravity of the sentence she has uttered. Derek blinks sometimes swallowing, his eyes are lucid and a little tear escapes his eyes, when he talks his voice comes out a whisper)

Derek: I'm running late (he walks out of the room, his eyes down, more tears spilling out. He meets Cristina on the kitchen door but he walks past her, she notices how upset he seems but doesn't say anything. After Derek closes the door behind his back, she looks at Meredith who is always standing there, staring dully at the wall)

Cristina: Mer… what the hell was that? (arriving in front of her she realizes Meredith is crying. She looks in a haze but, suddenly, she moves and walks to the front door)

Meredith: Derek… (She opens the door just in time to see Derek's cab leaving)

* * *

_Can the feeling of loss give space to love again?_

_When your loved one kills you with one word… can you survive it?_

* * *

(Derek is looking outside the window of his cab)

* * *

_Will you be able to look him in the eyes again?_

* * *

(Meredith is sitting at the counter and Cristina is pouring her some coffee)

* * *

_We have to believe so. _

_We have to believe that we are more than the heritage we got._


	34. PUT YOUR GOOD FACE ON

Ok... we go on. I left you with that horrible fight between Meredith and Derek...

Read and review...

Hope to update early...

* * *

_Put your good face on and smile._

_It's one of the first principle you learn in med school._

_Forget your problems to be professional, smile and always try to be at your best._

_There are people who are really good at it._

_Others… just can't_

* * *

Cristina, Owen and Meredith arrive into the hospital.

Cristina: you're doing things worse than they are, Mer.

Meredith: they are worse. Worse as… worse (Cristina stops at the elevator and pushes the button eyeing Meredith. Owen has a resigned face. They get into the elevator and Meredith looks around without saying anything. When the doors open Cristina and Owen turn right, Meredith left. Cristina realizes it and follows her)

Cristina: where are you going?

Meredith: to the Chief. I need the day off

Cristina: why?

Meredith: I need to go to that court. I had to be there already.

Cristina: I don't think it's a good idea. Actually it's the worst idea ever.

Meredith: Cristina, just let me do what I want (she opens the door violently and Webber looks up at her stunned)

Webber: dr. Grey… (Meredith steps into the office and Cristina follows her) Do you need anything?

Cristina: no, we just wanted to say hi. We're going to the locker room (she takes Meredith's sleeve and pulls but Meredith frees from her grip)

Meredith: I need the day off (Richard takes the glasses off his nose)

Webber: excuse me?

Meredith: I need the day off and I forgot to give you my request (Cristina is shaking her head behind her)

Webber: I am afraid it's too late dr. Grey. We have already made assignments for today.

Cristina: let's go, Mer

Meredith: get out of here!

Cristina: you're acting…

Meredith: get the hell out! I'm having a confidential speech with the chief and your presence is not necessary (Cristina breaths out and exits closing the door, Meredith wipes away some tear)

Webber: what's going on, Meredith?

Meredith: I need to go to Derek

Webber: I thought you had agreed…

Meredith: we had a fight this morning. And I said awful things to him. And now I need to make up (Richard stands up and joins her, he sets his hands on her shoulder. Meredith is avoiding his stare)

Webber: you had a fight as you were both nervous about this day. You'll talk to him when he comes back. I'm sure it's not so bad.

Meredith: it's horrific. Not bad

Webber: go and take some fresh air. Think it over. In half an hour I wait for you in the pit (Meredith exits and Richard sits back in his chair)

* * *

Bailey is sitting in an office by herself. The door opens and Tucker goes in. She smiles but tenses when she sees he's not alone. A man, well dressed and in his 50s, is following him.

Bailey: good morning

Tucker: hi

Bailey: and this gentleman is…

Tucker: William Fret, my lawyer (the man stretches his hand and she shakes it)

Bailey: and why are you here with an attorney?

Fret: my client thought I could claim his rights better than him.

Bailey: claim his rights? I thought this was just an informal meeting. Husband to wife.

Tucker: we are not husband and wife anymore.

Bailey: thank you for pointing that out

Tucker: Miranda… I'm not here to fight with you.

Bailey: it would be easier to believe if you hadn't felt the need to be represented by a third part (she sits).

Anyway… (both Tucker and the man sit)

Fret: you don't need to be bothered by my presence. It's a big step you're facing here today. And it's normal sometimes to need a shoulder to lean on.

Bailey: I get that. I'd prefer he told me.

Tucker: I didn't. But we're here now.

Fret: so… your son is five years old…

Bailey: six

Fret: sorry… and he's living with you by now.

Bailey: yes

Fret: I took the license to check your professional id in internet. You're named Head of General at Seattle Grace lately… Congratulations… I guess it's a big responsibility…

Bailey: why do I sense I'm not gonna like this conversation?

Fret: excuse me?

Bailey: why is my service status so important to you?

Tucker: as it affects the time you can spend with Tuck…

Bailey: that means… (she looks straight into Tucker's eyes and he looks down incapable to stand the contact)

Fret: raising a kid is difficult, dr. Bailey. It demands time and patience.

Bailey: and my husband… ex husband… doesn't think I'm suitable… That's what you're trying politely to say here?

Fret: yeah (Miranda stands up and takes her coat and beg)

Bailey: this meeting is over.

Fret: dr. Bailey (he stands too)

Bailey: no. It's quite evident I had to be accompanied by a lawyer myself. But I didn't. I didn't as I was positive we could talk calmly and reasonably. Which is actually not an option with you. And you're a coward as the only reason you took this man with you is that you couldn't bring yourself to utter those words personally, words you fully believe in. At this point and with these basis… we'll meet in a court.

Tucker: good… so we'll make our son a ball to play with

Bailey: that's what you want. As if you think I'm gonna stay here and watch as you take full and exclusive custody of him… you're just fooling yourself. Nice to meet you, mr. Fret (she leaves)

* * *

Derek is sitting in a wide corridor on a bench. He is wearing a black suite, his hair is still wet from the rain. He is rubbing his eyes tiredly. Mrs. Smile approaches and sits near him.

Lauren: are you ok?

Derek: I'm just having a bad day… and it hasn't even really started yet (he gives her a small, sad smile)

Lauren: are you sure being here by yourself is the best thing for you?

Derek: absolutely

Lauren: ok… I guess the judge will be ready in five minutes. We need to go in (Derek breaths out and stands up, he adjusts his tie and follows Lauren into the court)

* * *

Avery, Reed and Alex are sitting in a conference room with a lot of folders spread on the table. They are writing notes.

Reed: you know Karev… this clinic thing is going to rock

Alex: that was the idea

Reed: Hunt has so many ideas I have a bad time in choosing one on the other

Avery: don't do it. Let the chief pick up the best

Reed: yeah… after I have done it myself

Avery: what do you mean?

Reed: nothing…

Alex: come on, Adamson. Spit it out…

Reed: I am actually considering to stand up to lead the clinic in behalf of dr. Hunt…

Avery: what does that mean?

Reed: we all know we're going to make all the job. At least I wouldn't leave the leisure to Hunt.

Alex: and do you think he's going to let you?

Reed: I don't know. But I can try to ask. You should do the same.

Avery: no, thank you.

Reed: Why not?

Avery: Bailey likes this place. I don't want to be her punching ball if things don't work like she wants. And despite the enthusiasm and promises… I'm not very confident everybody will cooperate.

Alex: they will.

Avery: why are you so sure?

Alex: as the chief sounded the charge. He gave a clear message he wants the clinic to work again. He could close it but he didn't. And nobody is fool enough to piss him off.

Avery: I hope you're right.

Alex: I'm always right (his pager beeps and he looks at it). I have to go. Will you leave my stuff here, please?

Avery: sure

* * *

Meredith is standing on the rooftop, air ruffling her hair. Cristina opens the door and a freezes for the cold wind. She closes her arms around her chest to warm up and approaches Meredith cautiously.

Cristina: hey

Meredith: hey (they stand together silently watching to the town below them, they can hear the noises coming from streets, the buzzing of the city waking up, in the distance the ferryboats and the never stopping activity on the docks) It's Derek who showed me here… I've never been fond of outdoors… I was used to spend my breaks in rooms and at the cafeteria… He showed me this place…

Cristina: it's beautiful. Freezing… but beautiful.

Meredith: cold is good for harden our muscles.

Cristina: my butt is perfectly toned. I don't need to get any better than I am (Meredith giggles and Cristina gives her a smile, they go back looking down)

Meredith: you can go back to work, Cristina. Seriously.

Cristina: no. I'm going to stay here with you. I won't let you here moping by yourself.

Meredith: I am not moping.

Cristina: no, indeed. You're walking around like a living corpse. Derek is not dead, Meredith.

Meredith: that's not thank to me. I don't know what went through my mind this morning. How I could say that thing to him?

Cristina: sometimes we just say things we don't believe in.

Meredith: is that supposed to make me feel better?

Cristina: anything will make you feel better but making up with him, explaining him. And it's not going to happen till tonight.

Meredith: I'm not so sure he'll come back home after that.

Cristina: come on, Mer. It's Derek we're talking about. Are you really sure he's going to give up on you as you said a bad sentence to him? Do you think he loves you so little to walk away from you and your baby?

Meredith: He did that already. Why are you giving him so much credit now?

Cristina: because you grew. The both of you. He made mistakes at the beginning but you made too. I don't like him as he's a rockstar and he knows he is, but the one thing I'm sure is that he loves you more than his life. And you should know too by now.

Meredith: it's not his love I doubt

Cristina: what then? Yours? Don't you love him?

Meredith: of course I love him. But sometimes I wonder if I deserve it.

Cristina: well stop wondering! What's going on with you lately? You're freaking out on everything and don't tell me it's the pregnancy…

Meredith: I don't know

Cristina: look, Mer. You're my person, you're like a sister to me. More than a sister.

Meredith: but you think Derek is right about Brad. I should keep the distance.

Cristina: definitely. He is not honest, Mer. He is putting on his good face to flatter you. But with others… I placed 10 $ someone is going to crack his face within a week. He's making you feel unsuitable and miserable: he tells you Derek is not your husband, that he doesn't care enough to marry you, that he believes you're a bad doctor. Why do you allow him to do this? (Meredith looks at her and Cristina reads in straight into her eyes, she takes her face in her hands) You're an extraordinary person, Mer. You said it yourself. You and Derek can be extraordinary together. You are spinning down to the unsure Meredith but you haven't. Be yourself.

Meredith: and crack Brad's face?

Cristina: why not? We can split the prize (they smile and Cristina's pager beeps, she looks at it and frowns) Karev dragged me to do paper crap today.

Meredith: it's important to him…

Cristina: that's why you have to move your ass and come downstairs with me

* * *

Mark is sitting at the chief's office with Alex. The door opens and Richard enters followed by a man and a woman. Her face is completely covered by a scarf, Marks stands up to meet them.

Richard: mrs. Swanson… that's dr. Sloan and dr. Karev

Mark: nice to meet you (he stretches his hand but she sits on the chair refusing to shake it, Richard's face tenses)

Richard: and this is mr. Terence, Mrs. Swanson's curator

Mark: nice to meet you

Terence: it's my pleasure

Richard: take a sit (they all sit down). So… I'm happy we could finally meet.

Terence: me too. Even if this meeting isn't going in the direction my assisted and I were wishing… We hoped, dr. Webber. We really hoped this time. And you can get our disapproval when you communicated us the bad turn of things. What happened?

Richard: we couldn't find a neuro surgeon to take on the case, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Swanson: I don't get it (her voice sounds strange, deep and almost metallic, Mark shivers unnoticeably). I read your references, your web site page, you claim to have one of the best neuro surgeons in the world. Why is he bailing?

Mark: dr. Sheperd is not bailing…

Terence: still he is not operating…

Mark: things are a little bit more complicated than that

Mrs. Swanson: let me guess. He is afraid to mess up his score?

Richard: no. He had… health problems and is not part of my staff anymore … for now

Mrs. Swanson: bullshit

Terence: Isabel…

Mrs. Swanson: it's bullshit and you know as well as I do. This gentleman here used my name to get some focus and ink, he rode the horse and dumped me at the end. That's what I think happened in here. And it's disgusting.

Mark: it's not like that

Mrs. Swanson: I've lived that dozens of times and I can see liars when I see them. Do you know how many times I had this conversation before? Every time I knock to some world class surgeon, I'm received by a band and a red carpet. I leave my files, I read on local papers that surgeons are considering a sensational procedure and then I get a phone call and everything disappears.

Mark: well, that's not what happened here. I said yes as I thought we could arrange everything. And even after dr. Sheperd turned me down, I was positive we could find someone else.

Richard: you can't even imagine how many phone calls and e-mails I wrote to find someone.

Mrs. Swanson: sorry if I can't believe you.

Terence: what Isabel is trying to say is that we kept updated on your hospital since you got us hope. I know what happened to dr. Sheperd. But I also know that he performed an experimental life saving surgery last week.

Mark: and then he got hospitalized four days for the complications he got.

Mrs. Swanson: can I talk to him?

Richard: I'm afraid it's not possible. He's not here.

Terence: but I guess he has a schedule for appointments, right?

Richard: no. Mr. Terence and Mrs. Swanson… I can easily comprehend your disappointment but we did all we could. If there's any chance Dr. Sheperd changes his mind, I'll let you know. But at this time, I really don't feel to force him into a surgery that you perfectly know will be highly risky and experimental. I'm sorry you put your hopes in SG and we deceived you, I've never used your name to appear on medical papers. On the contrary… you don't even know the pressure I got to give up on your surgery. But we practice medicine in here. We treat patients. And the fact that I can't help you, that Dr. Sloan can't help you despite all the effort and the dedication he put in your case, bothers me as much as it bothers you (Mrs. Swanson stands up)

Mrs. Swanson: I'm sorry to disagree. Your life will be absolutely normal in five minutes. Mine… I'll keep living in the doubt of how I could be if I met a kickass surgeon willing to do his own job. Excuse me (she takes her beg and leaves. Both Sloan and Richard breath out)

Terence: I'm sorry… this situation is so painful and frustrating to her…

Mark: I can only imagine (even Terence stands up)

Terence: we'll be in town for some days. I leave you even my card (he sets the card on Richard's desk, everybody stands up). Goodbye (he leaves and Richard sits down)

Alex: just her voice sets chills in my bones

Mark: I'm pretty happy Derek is not here. That woman would chase him.

Richard: I don't think she's going to give up that easily (his pager beeps). Let's go to work now

* * *

Avery enters the ER running

Nurse: the ambulance is coming (Avery runs to the ambulance bay, the paramedics have already pulled the stretcher out)

Avery: what have we got?

Paramedic: Leslie Simmons, 19, her mother found her in bed this morning (a woman runs to the stretcher crying, visibly upset)

Woman: what's wrong with my daughter?

Avery: we have to visit her before we can say something (he eyes the paramedic and they wheel the gurney in)

Paramedic: she has never woken up during the way here, the pressure is a big high and pupils are responsive to light.

Avery: is she sick or something?

Mother: no. She was fine. Yesterday she went to a party with her friends. She was fine.

Avery: ok… you can't stay in here madam. Nurse, please… take mrs. Simmons to the waiting area

Mother: but I can't leave her!

Avery: you can't stay here. Please… (the nurse leads the woman out) Page dr. Webber, please… (Avery takes all the equipment and takes a blood sample, Bailey and Webber arrive in the visit room at the same time)

Bailey: what have we got? (Avery looks at her surprised and Bailey scolds him) I'm not a mirage, I'm dr. Bailey. What have we got?

Avery: her mom found her in coma this morning. She was healthy till yesterday evening. She went to a party.

Bailey: blood tests?

Avery: taken (a nurse exits from the room with a test tube)

Webber: how are the parameters?

Avery: pressure is high, frequency rate is over the normal, pupils are fine.

Bailey: ideas?

Avery: she could have drank something or taken pills…

Bailey: I saw some girls with the mother in the waiting area. Use your eyelashes and talk to them (Avery looks disappointed but goes out)

Richard: are you ok, Bailey?

Bailey: perfectly

Richard: I thought you had the day off

Bailey: and I thought I had a reasonable ex husband. I need to work. Can I? (Richard breaths out and nods, Bailey touches the girl's abdomen. She stops on one point) What the hell…

Richard: what?

Bailey: I can't… I can't feel the liver

Richard: excuse me?

Bailey: I can't… (Richard takes her place)

Richard: it's not you can't find it. It's pulp, that's why you can't.

Bailey: I go to talk to her friends

* * *

Meredith arrives in front of the nurses station and takes the patient's chart. She opens it reading through the notes, she finally enters Henry's room, a little smile stretching her lips seeing the brother asleep on the couch. She sets the chart down and writes something herself. Henry has two bandages covering his eyes.

Henry: who's here?

Meredith: it's dr. Grey… do you remember me?

Henry: yeah… I recognize your voice

Meredith: how long have you been awake?

Henry: some hours… it's quite impossible to sleep with my brother snoring like an old truck.

Meredith: I know someone who is much worse than him…

Henry: your husband?

Meredith: no, me

Henry: do you snore?

Meredith: you won't believe it

Henry: girls don't snore

Meredith: oh… we do (Finn wakes up, he yawns and stretches standing up)

Finn: hey…

Meredith: good morning

Finn: I fell asleep…

Henry: I noticed from the noise you were producing

Finn: cut this thing. I don't snore (Meredith looks at him smirking) Well… maybe just a bit. How are you?

Henry: I'm fine… I feel fine

Finn: and… his eyes… I mean… did you fix the problem?

Meredith: I don't know yet… The chart says he has slept all night long and we didn't take bandages off. I page dr. Brad and we'll do it now, ok?

Finn: ok (Meredith goes out the room and approaches a nurse)

Meredith: can you page dr. Brad, please? (she turns around and notices Finn is standing in front of her)

Finn: ok… I know that your boss probably doesn't allow you to talk to patients and… I mean… I don't want to judge him, he is probably a great doctor but… I can't really talk to him… and he doesn't talk to me but… what do I have to expect? How did the surgery go?

Meredith: it went good. We took the clot out and the nerve looks intact. But I can't give you the certainty he's going to see when we take the bandages off.

Finn: but you said that…

Meredith: I know what I said. The clot pressed on the nerve and there could be an inflammation… It's a really delicate termination and I don't want you to delude. We're optimist though.

Finn: ok

Meredith: dr. Brad will be here in five minutes. Go and fresh up. We'll face things together.

Finn: ok. You're far more nice than him… Thank you

* * *

Cristina is at the clinic looking around. She is writing notes making a inventory of equipments, gurneys and tables available in the room. Suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Cristina approaches her.

Cristina: sorry, madam. But the clinic is closed… you need to go to the main entrance of the hospital or to the ER…

Woman: I can't… (Cristina pays more attention to the woman and sees she is holding her throat, her neck looks really swollen and she talks hardly)

Cristina: are you ok?

Woman: I'm not… It must have been something I ate… I'm celiac (Cristina sets her notes on a table and gently takes the woman to a gurney)

Cristina: just sit here, don't move (she looks for her pager but doesn't find it) Damn it (she picks up the phone and dials Owen's number. She talks into the cell). I'm at the clinic. I need you, now (she closes her cell and approaches the woman. She is lying having great troubles in breathing. Cristina gently moves her hand away and starts to feel her throat) You said you're celiac. What did you eat?

Woman: I ordered vegetables. I told the waitress I was allergic… she said not to worry but after I ate… my throat started to close and I got scared

Cristina: just relax, now. Pacing won't improve things (she looks up visiting her). The trachea is closing. Where did you eat?

Woman: at Frank's… it's three blocks from here

Cristina: do you have the bill? I need their telephone number (the woman points to her beg, the door opens and Owen appears. He frowns seeing a patient on a gurney. Cristina walks to him)

Owen: what are you doing here?

Cristina: I was checking stuff for our development plan and she came in.

Owen: you had to take her to the ER

Cristina: I was. But she couldn't breathe and I thought it was better to have her lay down here before moving her (they hear a gasp and turn both to look at the woman, Violet. They narrow their eyes seeing she has stopped breathing and is now unconscious. They both run to her)

Owen: airways are closed. Give me an intubation kit

Cristina: we have none here

Owen: what?

Cristina: I have just checked! I go and take one (she makes to run away but Owen stops her)

Owen: the time you go and come back, her brain will be dead.

Cristina: so what? (Owen takes a swiss knife out of his pocket and opens it) You are kidding, right? (she looks at him stunned when he starts cutting)

Owen: I am not. Page Reed and tell her to take here gauzes and an ambo bag (Cristina runs to the phone and calls Reed, Owen has made a deep cut into the woman's throat, his hands are covered by her blood. He takes a tube and sets it in the opening. He starts to blow in it rhythmically. Cristina comes back)

Cristina: this is crazy…

Owen: what happened to her?

Cristina: she is celiac and went to a restaurant and…

Owen: call them. We need to know what she ate (Cristina rummages in the woman's beg, she finds a paper and runs to the phone. She dials the number)

Cristina: hallo… this is SG, I need to talk to your waitress. I don't care if she's working. We have an emergency here. Get her to phone, now! Hallo, I'm doctor Yang, SG. I have a woman in allergic shock, she is celiac and… You remember her? Ok… that's her. I need you to tell me what your chef used to make her vegetables. Don't tell me he did everything right as this woman is dying. Do you want her to die or do you want to help? Go then…

Owen: so?

Cristina: she's going to ask him… Yeah… who are you? No, I don't care. I want to know what you put in those damned vegetables… What? Do you even know what celiac means, you moron? (she hangs off the phone and runs to Owen). He put toasted bread in the vegetables.

Owen: she is in shock… Where the hell is Adamson? (the door opens and Reed comes in running)

Reed: I got everything (she stops realizing Owen has made an emergency tracheotomy) Oh God… (Hunt stretches his bloody hand to take the tube)

Owen: I set the beg, Cristina… go and page someone. We need a gurney and she'll probably need a gastric lavage.

Cristina: do I have to page Bailey?

Owen: I think she's off today. Page the chief… Stat (she runs away and Owen and Reed work together on the patient)

* * *

Mark is sitting in the lab, playing with a pencil. Lexie leans on the door, a smile on her face.

Lexie: hey

Mark: hey (she enters and sits near him)

Lexie: are you ok?

Mark: yes. I'm just bored.

Lexie: bored?

Mark: I haven't any case

Lexie: so you're killing the wait drawing?

Mark: I had nothing to do

Lexie: does the chief know he pays you for doing nothing?

Mark: what are you? Another auditor?

Lexie: no. But you become an ass when you have nothing to do.

Mark: thank you

Lexie: you're welcome. How did it go with Mrs. Swanson?

Mark: not good. She's pissed and mad. And finally right. Doctors just care of success and fame. If they can help the patient in the while… good. Otherwise… it's good anyway.

Lexie: maybe she'll find somebody elsewhere.

Mark: that's what I'm afraid of. I was the best. I am the best. That's my surgery.

Lexie: you don't have to beat yourself around… You made all you could. You're my hero.

Mark: hero?

Lexie: Yeah

Mark: Heroes usually get kisses and hot girls…

Lexie: Am I not hot?

Mark: too hot to be in a hospital… But a kiss maybe… (Lexie leans on him and kisses him passionately) I feel like a hero now…

Lexie: that was the idea… (she changes expression and looks at him)

Mark: what?

Lexie: nothing…

Mark: Lexie… you're my princess. Talk…

Lexie: it's a thing you said yesterday… I've been thinking of it… a lot… Not that I'm thinking of it all day but…. (Mark takes her hand)

Mark: Lexie… don't ramble… talk, ok?

Lexie: ok… you said we're family… are we really? I mean… (he kisses her to stop her rambling)

Mark: we're family as I love you. And you love me. And we can make plans, when you're ready.

Lexie: what plans?

Mark: moving in together… engaged… married… Every plan you want (Lexie smiles brightly). I am serious… You told me it was too early. You're in your internship… but my feelings didn't change. And yours either.

Lexie: I should say that…

Mark: you don't need to say it. I know. How can you possibly stop loving me?

Lexie: you're really cocky…

Mark: just realistic… So?

Lexie: what?

Mark: why were you thinking of it? Do you want to make a step forward?

Lexie: maybe… (her pager beeps and she reads it) I have a case, see you later

* * *

Avery and Bailey are sitting in a conference room with Leslie's friends. The girl's mother is there too.

Avery: it would be very useful if you told us something

Girl: there's nothing to tell… How many times do I have to say it?

Bailey: all the times that is necessary. You don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

Girl: we do. You keep saying it.

Mother: Dana…

Girl: I'm sorry

Bailey: no, you're not. You friend can die. If we don't find her a liver within the next ten hours, she's gonna die. And even if we find it and she survives the surgery, she could die anyway. As we don't know what happened. As if she had taken drugs she'd need treatments… If she had drank something, she'd need other treatments. Do you understand it?

Girl: yes, but we told you all we knew (Leslie's mother's cell rings and she goes out to pick the phone up. Bailey looks straight at the girls in front of her)

Bailey: people like you are the reason why I'd like my baby never to grow up (Avery turns to look at her stunned)

Avery: dr. Bailey…

Bailey: why I'd like my baby never to have friends (she shakes her head) Friends… You're an insult to all the people who are defined as friends (Dana looks at her defiantly, the other girl is crying). You were together yesterday, you didn't stop her from making a stupid thing. Probably you did it yourself. Just look at you… You look like you haven't slept in days…

Dana: we went to a party. We danced… we had fun…

Bailey: come with me (she stands up). I'll show you the fun you had (the girls share a worried look but they stand up, Bailey goes out and they all follow her. Avery approaches her)

Avery: dr. Bailey…

Bailey: just shut up, Avery. My day started awfully and I don't want to pour out on you. If you can't do this, get the hell away. Just stop talking to me (Jackson stops in the corridor and looks at the three women arriving in front of Leslie's room. They all look through the glass, Webber comes out of the room and looks at Miranda quizzically)

Girl: oh my God… (she sets her hands on her mouth and starts to cry)

Bailey: fun, uhm?

Dana: she was an idiot.

Bailey: you were an idiot (Richard looks at Bailey). You pushed her to do something wrong just to test her, you forced her to make this to prove she was worth your attention.

Dana: I didn't…

Bailey: what did you give her?

Richard: Bailey…

Bailey: look at her… look at your friend lying in that bed… and now look at me and tell me what you gave her… (Dana's eyes wander from the floor to Leslie, back on the floor again, she sets a hand in her pocket and handles Bailey a little packet)

Dana: she said she had already taken it… (Bailey takes the envelope)

Bailey: get the hell out of here (the two girls go away and Avery gets closer) Take this to the lab… Maximum priority (Avery runs away and Richard looks at Bailey)

Richard: how did you know she… (Bailey looks up and Webber stops talking)

Bailey: I have spent my morning with an hypocrite. I sensed she was one immediately. How is she?

Richard: we are on top of the list. Do you stay here?

Bailey: I dropped my holiday today.

Richard: Hunt has just paged me.

Bailey: go. I stay.

* * *

Brad and Meredith are in Henry's room. Brad is working on the boy's bandages to take them away.

Brad: ok… now I'm going to take these away…

Henry: ok

Brad: just keep your eyes closed while I do it. I don't want pieces of gauze to enter your eyes.

Henry: ok… should I notice something?

Brad: no (Meredith looks quickly at him and then to Henry)

Meredith: your eyes have been into the dark for some time now. What dr. Brad means is that you'll see foggy for some minute. Light will bother you a lot. You don't need to be scared if your eyes hurt or you can't see at first.

Brad: ok, thank you, dr. Grey.

Meredith: I was just explaining him…

Brad: take this (he sets a bandage in her hands and Meredith shuts up). Now … close your eyes (he pulls the bandages away. Henry's eyelids are swollen and red. Brad fleshes a light into his closed eyes). Anything?

Henry: they hurt…

Meredith: just take your time…

Brad: do you feel something?

Henry: they sting and…. it's like I'm going to cry

Brad: good. Now, when you're ready, you can try to open them

Meredith: we could switch off the light

Brad: we won't (he sends her an annoyed look). When you're ready… (Henry tries to open his eyes sometimes, his eyelashes part and then close immediately. He raises his hands to touch them but Meredith stops him)

Meredith: don't touch… okay? Don't touch and don't rub… Take your time (Finn, who was sitting on the couch, stands up and gets close the bed, he takes his brother's hand)

Finn: hey… I'm here. Just take the plunge, Henry (he squeezes his hand and Henry's eyelashes open)

Henry: everything is black (Finn looks at Meredith and then back to his brother) and red…. It's foggy… Oh my God…

Finn: what?

Henry: I'm…

Meredith: what?

Henry: are you blonde?

Meredith: excuse me?

Henry: is that you?

Meredith: that… who?

Henry: now I know why my brother didn't leave me for a second. You look like an angel…

Finn: Henry… just be serious, please (Brad smirks and writes some note on his chart)

Brad: he's serious. I'd say his sight is perfectly fine and I'll write he recognized dr. Grey as an angel

Henry: a hot angel (Meredith's cheeks are lightly flushed)

Meredith: I go now (she walks out the room and Brad joins her seconds later)

Brad: it was a great success… for him and for you

Meredith: please… I was called in many ways in my life. Nobody ever called me an angel…

Brad: it was nice… You're better this morning.

Meredith: I'm not. I've just put my good face on. And I'm trying to work (Brad notices she's avoiding his eyes, he looks at her puzzled)

Brad: are you mad at me? (Meredith looks at him quickly and then diverts her stare)

Meredith: no. I have personal concerns. Nothing to do with you. See you later.

* * *

Derek walks out of the men's toilet loosening his tie. He walks quickly towards the elevator and pushes the button.

Lauren: dr. Sheperd (he turns around to see his lawyer)

Derek: did I forget to sign something?

Lauren: no… no…. everything is good. I just wanted to know if you want to drink something or…

Derek: no, thank you. I just want to leave… (his eyes bore into hers for a second) I'm sorry… I'm not very kind to you but… that was not my idea of privacy

Lauren: I know. I'm sorry but…

Derek: I know. He asked and I had to answer. But I want to go now… if you don't need anything else (she shakes her head, the elevator opens and Derek enters, the doors close immediately and he disappears)

* * *

Owen, Reed and Cristina are in the visit room when Richard and Lexie arrive.

Richard: Hunt…

Owen: Chief…

Richard: what have we got?

Owen: woman, 39, celiac. In the restaurant she ate accidentally some bread. Airways closed up. I had to make a tracheotomy on the field (Richard looks down at the patient and his eyes narrow)

Richard: what does the hell mean on the field?

Owen: we were in the clinic, there were no intubation sets nor ambo. I had to cut straight there.

Richard: again?

Owen: I had really no choice chief…

Richard: and what is Yang doing here?

Cristina: I called dr. Hunt. I was in the clinic when she showed up and tried to help.

Richard: ok… I'm sorry. Yang, go back to Altman

Cristina: but the patient is mine!

Richard: the patient is not yours. She needs a gastric lavage. Last time I checked it was not a cardio procedure. You can go (Cristina leaves the room and Reed and Lexie share an embarrassed look). Have you started the protocol?

Owen: not yet. We were waiting for you…

Richard: ok. Let's go now. Adamson, prepare the drill. Grey… you are in charge of the saline (Lexie nods and starts to work). How much time passed from the ingestion time?

Owen: an hour… an hour and a half at latest.

Richard: we should check the intestine anyway

Owen: open her up?

Richard: I think so.

Lexie: I'm ready

Reed: me too

Richard: ok, go (Lexie and Reed share a look)

Reed: ok… we insert the tube (she inserts a tube in the patient's mouth) and check that I haven't entered the airways accidentally…

Owen: dr. Grey?

Lexie: we blow in the tube and see what happens (Owen nods and she blows). Ok, the tube is correctly at place

Reed: now we start to aspire (she pumps and a yellow liquid comes out, falling into a basin)

Richard: ok… I let you work. Page me when you're done

Owen: ok. And what do we do for the restaurant? Do I have to make denonciation?

Richard: let's see how it goes first

* * *

Cristina enters Teddy's office.

Cristina: dr. Altman…

Teddy: dr. Yang… I came to the clinic but you weren't there

Cristina: we had an emergency

Teddy: I wasn't paged…

Cristina: an emergency in the clinic (Teddy raises her brows). A woman came in while I was there. I had to page dr. Hunt and they are performing a gastric lavage.

Teddy: and you didn't find it interesting?

Cristina: no… it was. But the chief kicked me out. And I got your page. I thought you wanted to discuss my report (she sits and Teddy looks at her. She sits too, Cristina is turning pages quickly)

Teddy: no

Cristina: no?

Teddy: I paged you for a personal thing…

Cristina: oh…

Teddy: this is not easy to me. But I think that I have been driving in circles for too long and I need to be clear now (Cristina is looking at her, an unreadable expression on her face). I like you, you're an extraordinary resident. I couldn't ask more.

Cristina: I know…

Teddy: that's why I think that you should know that I'm still in love with Owen

Cristina: excuse me?

Teddy: I thought I was over it… I thought I could build other relationships… but I was wrong. That said… I'm not going to chase him or to intrude in your relationship.

Cristina: so why are you telling me?

Teddy: as I don't want you to think I'm going behind your back

Cristina: why? Where are you going?

Teddy: anywhere

Cristina: and why are you telling me then?

Teddy: it the name of honesty I think. I think… you should know. I'm staying here, I'm not leaving and I thought you'd like to know your mentor is in love with your is-to-be-husband. I'm staying here. Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore knowing the truth.

Cristina: I don't give a crap about the truth.

Teddy: what?

Cristina: you've been playing this card all over for months and… really… it's really unprofessional from you. You tell me things knowing I can't do anything to face them, to protect myself or my husband.

Teddy: you could…

Cristina: what? Leaving? Oh yeah… I could leave and let you green light. Or I could press Owen to leave himself. Seriously? I'm here to work. You're my teacher and I respect you. I even like you as a person. And I'm not scared you said it loud and clear. I knew… I know you still feel something for him. It doesn't bother me as long as you treat me professionally and as long as you keep your hands down. And finally… I don't even know why you're saying these things to me (she stands up and leaves)

* * *

Avery and Bailey are in the OR. Webber goes in. He approaches the gurney looking in the patient.

Richard: what a mess… How is it going?

Bailey: fine by now. But I need help (Richard nods and goes to the other side of the table).

Richard: Do we know what she took?

Avery: ecstasy… half pill. I picked her exams from the lab and we analyzed what her friend gave us. They match.

Richard: half a pill was enough to do this?

Bailey: apparently they put the world in it… Joy… thoughtlessness… lightness… all the wildest emotions in a little pill. The promises of happiness in your hand… just to swallow …

Richard: if I hadn't seen all these boys and girls open on a table… fighting for their lives… completely damaged by the effects… I'd be tempted to try the sensation.

Bailey: your liver should be accustomed to abuses…

Richard: my whole body seems to be accustomed to abuses. And my mind too. That's why I don't take your provocation, dr. Bailey.

Bailey: sorry, sir.

Avery: how did you get it was her friend who gave her this crap?

Bailey: I don't know. I got it. I would call it mother instinct.

Richard: what's wrong with you?

Bailey: anything I want to discuss in an OR, sir.

Richard: maybe you should. As when we got out of here, you'll have to talk to her mother. And to her friends. And despite how much you dislike them or some of them… you'll put your good face on and talk to them like you were taught. Like I know I taught you.

Bailey: not everyone deserves my good face

Richard: maybe you're right. But you can choose it outside these walls. Here… it's my rules you have to follow.

Bailey: so I should pretend to be sympathetic to that woman? She left her daughter go to a party, the fourth party in the fourth day of the week. Just because she had a date with her new boyfriend. She was blind to all the messages the girl gave her… we were lucky she wasn't busy this morning.

Richard: you don't know anything about her

Bailey: oh no… I know. She told me. She told me she wanted her custody just to piss her husband. Because he cheated on her and built a new family. She told me she hasn't time for her: she hasn't time to go to the school meetings, she hasn't time to have dinner with her, to help her doing homework. Why do you insist to have a custody if you have nothing to give to a child? That girl wanted to stay with her father… (in the OR there is a thick silence, Bailey looks up and meets Richard's eyes) Don't give me that look… (Webber goes back working) Adults can be egoistic and blind morons… We pull children in the mix like they were a couch or a precious piece of glassware…

Richard: Bailey…

Bailey: we don't even try to find an agreement as we want everything. We push our arguments killing people in the while. People we used to like.

Richard: rage can do terrible things.

Bailey: it's not rage, chief. It's envy. And lack of consciousness. And I'll never put my good face to hide the contempt I feel for these things.

* * *

Meredith is filling a box in a supply closet. The door opens and she takes a glimpse of Brad entering the room. He closes the door behind his back, leaning on it.

Meredith: I am preparing stuff for the clinic. Did I miss your page?

Brad: no, a nurse told me you were here.

Meredith: do you need anything?

Brad: no (she gives him a small smile and picks up her box, ready to leave. Brad doesn't move). Can we talk?

Meredith: about what? (he gets closer and takes the box out of her hands, he sets it on a shelf. Meredith looks at him worried) Dr. Brad…

Brad: dr. Grey… I just want to have a polite and civil conversation, ok? (Meredith closes her arms on her chest). What's going on? You have been avoiding me since this morning.

Meredith: I haven't

Brad: you talk monosyllable. Did I say something which offended you?

Meredith: no. But I realized that you can have misjudged my behavior. I like to work with you, you're a nice person. But I want to keep our relationship strictly professional.

Brad: and why does this thing come out now?

Meredith: as yesterday I made something which put my health and my baby at risk. I hurt my husband, I let my personal emotions cloud my judgment. And you didn't do anything to stop me.

Brad: why would I stop you?

Meredith: as you're my boss and you're responsible for me.

Brad: Meredith… I'm your boss. And I respect you. I think you're a talented resident who can pick her choices. You don't need a babysitter who tells you right from wrong.

Meredith: this thing bothers me.

Brad: what?

Meredith: you keep saying that others don't see me for what I am, for what I can do. But it's not true. Dr. Webber values me, he respects me. And so does Dr. Sheperd. We have arguments on work, but it happens. I don't need someone to mess up my head with that. And it's even worse as Derek is my husband.

Brad: here we go again with the husband thing…

Meredith: I am not a psycho who thinks she's married and is not. Derek and I are together from years. We're having a baby.

Brad: but I have been sending you clear signs since I got here and you never seemed disappointed by that.

Meredith: and it was a mistake. I didn't realize those signs. But everyone did apparently.

Brad: you don't need to feel ashamed as you find it interesting, as you find me interesting (he makes a step forward)

Meredith: I don't find you interesting… not in that way anyway

Brad: oh come on. You do (Meredith's mouth opens a bit in disbelief) I feel it. There's a connection between the two of us. There's a tension. I guess it must be confusing for you. But you don't have to fight it.

Meredith: I'm sorry to spoil your ego… but I'm not fighting. My head is pretty clear on the person I love.

Brad: love is a great word. I don't want love.

Meredith: everything you want… you're looking in the wrong place.

Brad: we'll see

Meredith: dr. Brad…

Brad: fine dr. Grey… you don't need to use that scolding tone with me. I find you sexy, I find you beautiful. But I am not an ass. I am not used to kiss women in closets, not if they don't want. I thought we could have a link. You say no, for me it's fine. I can work with you anyway.

Meredith: me too

Brad: ok. I won't turn into a serious and sad sulker though. I like joking, I like talking. I even like flirting. Deal? (he stretches his hand and Meredith takes it hesitantly)

Meredith: deal…

Brad: and hope is the last to die

Meredith: dr. Brad

Brad: got you! Joking, remember? (he smiles to her and opens the door, Meredith picks up her box and goes out, Cristina sees them from the nurses station)

* * *

Mark enters the attending lounge and finds Arizona and Callie sitting. They are reading a magazine holding hands on the couch. He opens the fridge a takes a bottle from it. Callie eyes him.

Callie: that's Hunt's bottle (Mark opens it and drinks it)

Mark: I'll apologize later (he sets the bottle back into the fridge)

Callie: it was empty…

Mark: he'll look for it.

Arizona: he'll look for the water, not for the bottle actually (Mark sinks in the chair rubbing his eyes)

Callie: just leave him alone… he is having a bad moment

Arizona: oh (she goes back reading and Callie does too, every time and then she looks at Mark)

Callie: I met your special guest, today

Arizona: who?

Callie: Mrs. Swanson…

Arizona: oh God… did you see her face?

Callie: no. She was blindfolded like a mummy. We had a ride in the elevator together and I heard her voice. She was talking to her friend and… God… her voice was… blood curling.

Mark: her vocal cords were severed. Her first surgeon was able to restore them but… he couldn't do better than that…

Callie: I feel sorry for her.

Arizona: it's a really sad story

Callie: for her… not the story. She had that terrible accident and now she can't find anybody ready to help her. Everyone is talking about her but anybody is doing anything.

Mark: and she knows it… I feel like crap…

Callie: I thought Lexie had cheered you up…

Mark: she has.

Callie: looking at you, I wouldn't say.

Mark: you say wrong. I love Lexie. And I'm happy she is considering to make some step forward. Moving in… cohabitation… all the things healthy couples do.

Callie: and what do you know about healthy couples?

Mark: I have been studying a lot… My friends have told me their stories for years… how to pick up a girl… the cuddling… living together. That was my university. I thought I would be scared. But I'm not. I'm ready. I know it sounds ridiculous… I'm grown up… almost old… but Mrs. Sheperd was right: I had the maturity of a horny teen ager. Now I'm a little bit wiser. And excited about the perspective of a life with the woman I love.

Arizona: have you told her?

Mark: more or less… I… (he gestures without speaking. His hand falls on his chest)

Callie: you're afraid she'll stop reciprocating?

Mark: I'd deserve it. With all the women I used and threw away… I'd deserve to learn the lesson the hard way.

Callie: Lexie is not that person. She is kind and sweet. She wouldn't stay in a story she doesn't believe in.

Mark: I know… (he pinches his nose breathing out). I need to convince Derek to operate on Mrs. Swanson…

Callie: it doesn't look so hard to do

Mark: it was easier to win Lexie back. This surgery… is a scary box nobody wants to handle.

Callie: I think you should let it go, Mark.

Mark: you said you feel for her.

Callie: but I also said it was too extreme. Feeling is another thing. And she doesn't look like she's going to take a failure as a result.

Mark: so I should give up not to have troubles?

Callie: it's what everyone did.

Mark: everyone are lightweights. The New York twins will rock. I just have to play it smart with Derek. He won't say no to me.

Callie: you've grown optimist

Arizona: he's in love

Callie: I'm in love too

Arizona: but I'm optimist for the both of us…

Callie: so I don't have to be worried for tomorrow…

Arizona: we'll rock…

* * *

Owen is still in the visit room with Reed and Lexie. They are proceeding with the lavage. Teddy appears on the door. She breaths out and looks at Owen who is sitting on a chair writing notes.

Teddy: dr. Hunt… (he raises his eyes and smiles to her)

Owen: hey

Teddy: may I have a word with you, please?

Owen: sure (he stands up and nods to Reed and Lexie, they go out). Are you ok?

Teddy: no, I'm not. I've just made a horrible mistake and I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… I didn't know what I was thinking…

Owen: what are you talking about?

Teddy: I told Cristina the truth… I told her about Andrew and the reason I didn't leave with him.

Owen: I don't understand… why is it a mistake?

Teddy: as I told her I still love you

Owen: what?

Teddy: I'm sorry… I don't know what crossed my mind… I felt to tell her… I felt to be sincere… I wanted to let her choose if working with me or not. But…

Owen: you had no right to talk to Cristina. You had no reason to talk to her. This thing is just between you and me. Better, it's only about you. What are you trying to do? Destroying my life?

Teddy: of course not

Owen: so just stay away from her! She has nothing to do with this, she has nothing to do with your doubts. I'm not so sure I should be concerned about them even (Teddy's eyes are lucid and Owen is moved). We are friends, Teddy. I like you, you know I do. But as a friend. And at this point… I really don't know if us being friends is a good thing for you (she nods). I need to go back to my patient.

* * *

Webber, Bailey and Avery go out the ER. They walk together to the waiting area. Webber's phone rings and they all stop. He picks it up.

Richard: hallo? Mrs. Smile… no… no… He didn't come here… I didn't meet him. No, don't worry. I guess I know where to find him. I take care of it… Oh… ok. Thank you (he closes the cell and notices Bailey is looking at him). It was Derek's lawyer. The trial was really hard and she wanted to know if Derek was here. Apparently he was really upset.

Bailey: go to his land… (Richard sends a looks to the waiting area and Bailey notices it) You don't need to guard me like a hawk. I can be nice if I want.

Richard: I know. The question is: will you?

Bailey: I don't know. I haven't decided yet (Richard breaths out)

Richard: I trust you and I'll take the risk. See you tomorrow (he goes away and Bailey looks at Avery)

Bailey: anything you want to add?

Avery: no sir…

Bailey: let's go then (they walk out the door and, as soon as Leslie's mother see them, she stands up and walks to them. Bailey notices the girl's friends sitting in the area too).

Mother: how is she? (Bailey takes her hand and leads her to the chairs, they sit)

Bailey: the transplant went good. We have to wait some day to shut out the risks of rejection though.

Mother: thank God…

Bailey: your daughter assumed drugs… that was the reason the liver failed… better… exploded.

Mother: it's impossible

Bailey: I'm sorry, but it is possible. And it's what happened.

Mother: these things happen to other people. Leslie is smart… she'd never do something so stupid.

Bailey: apparently she did… It's sure, mrs. Simmons . The labs don't lie. And neither the sample we got.

Mother : sample ?

Bailey : sample… (Bailey eyes meaningfully Leslie's friends and the woman follows her gaze, her mouth opens a bit in shock)

Mother: what the hell did you give her? (she stands up and Dana too) What the hell did you give to my daughter? (Bailey and Avery come in the mid to separate them)

Dana: nothing she didn't want to take

Mother: how do you dare? You are a not recommendable presence in Leslie's life. I kept telling her to keep the distance, not to go out with you… You're just an irresponsible and if something occurs to her…. It's on you!

Bailey: mrs. Simmons . I know that you're upset but this is not right.

Mother: don't come into this!

Bailey: I come instead. Your daughter is over her 18… she is a grown up girl. I'll give you an advise and you can think if you want to listen to me or not. From our experience… when a young girl does something like that… we can question ourselves on two things. She can be an addict and I don't think this is the case. She's trying to get someone's attention.

Mother: and that's not the case! She obliged her to take that thing… She plagiarized her!

Dana: I didn't! She's right… Leslie is looking for your attention for months and you don't even care. She is unhappy with you, don't you get it? You treat her like a canary in a golden cage. But she is not. She wants to go, to experience… I know that what we did is wrong… but she did it as she was miserable… She wants her dad… she wants her step sister…

Mother: as you can see nobody even cared to show up

Father: you're wrong (everybody turns to see a man, in his 50s, he is holding hands with a woman and a young girl). We took the first plane. How is she?

Mother: it's none of your business…

Father: Amanda, please. She's my daughter. Can you forget for one minute that you hate me and talk to me about her?

Bailey: we'll leave you alone

* * *

Cristina enters an empty patient's room and sits on a chair, she is chewing her chips looking straight in front of her. She frowns hearing the water flushing in the toilet, the frown becomes a grimace when she sees Meredith coming out of it.

Meredith: hey

Cristina: hey… back to the closed spaces?

Meredith: I needed to pee peacefully… (she sits near her and takes one of her chips)

Cristina: have you heard from Derek?

Meredith: nothing… I've tried to call him several times but the cell is off

Cristina: he'll call you back when he gets the message

Meredith: I don't think so. He hates me.

Cristina: maybe he does, maybe not. Just talk to him and you'll know.

Meredith: thank you for your support.

Cristina: damn Meredith… You've been dragging your ass around like a lost puppy and you don't even know if you have a real problem. You said a terrible thing, just wait and see what he does. I guess his day was full of crap… your sentence was just crap before more crap.

Meredith: that's what I'm worried about. He'd need to talk and I built a wall this morning. How can I look for him to hear his confidences if I can't even look at him without feeling like a dog?

Cristina: stop feeling like it and pull yourself together.

Meredith: right… (she eyes her quickly) What happened to you?

Cristina: nothing… Teddy has just told me she still loves my fiancée

Meredith: you knew already…

Cristina: I did. But I didn't think she was so desperate to come into the light.

Meredith: do you think she is planning something?

Cristina: no… I don't think so… She was probably just feeling guilty for abusing my patience and trust… Should I worry?

Meredith: as dirty ex mistress I can tell you your position won't be easy.

Cristina: but hers will be worse

Meredith: much worse. My day changed from normal to crappy every time I met Addison in a corridor… And when I caught her talking to Derek… when I caught them talking and having a normal conversation…. It was even worse. I felt like I was watching my life through a screen… I saw what I wanted but I couldn't live it directly.

Cristina: so I have to worry…

Meredith: what does Owen say?

Cristina: I don't know. We haven't met since Teddy cornered me.

Meredith: he'll be mad.

Cristina: to me?

Meredith: no… to her. And you'll take all his guilty cuddling… (they eat chips silently) Can I come to your place if Derek doesn't show up or just kicks me out? (Cristina nods) Thank you

* * *

Richard parks his car in Derek's yard, he walks to Derek's deck. Sheperd is on his knees hitting nails in the wood. His movements are nervous and Richard sits near him watching him working. He closes his coat, the air is cold.

Richard: it's getting cold (Derek goes on hammering)

Derek: the wind comes from the ocean… it's always cold

Richard: really? I've been living in Seattle from 15 years and never noticed… (he takes a look around to the house in progress) but things are so different from here… It's coming good

Derek: there are a lot of things to do…

Richard: I hope you won't do it by yourself (he looks at Derek hitting a nail violently) Does your insurance even covers this?

Derek: I don't know…

Richard: Mrs. Smile called me an hour ago… she wanted to know about you

Derek: I'm alive

Richard: I see. Do you want to talk about it?

Derek: no (he straightens up drying his forehead with the back of his hand). I've talked too much for my liking. And anything I said… (he shakes his hand) Nothing they got me say… (he goes back hitting nails)

Richard: when is the next session?

Derek: tomorrow

Richard: it will end soon

Derek: really? Sometimes I think it will never end. Everything looks so complicated…

Richard: as you're not facing it. Talk, Derek. You need to talk.

Derek: I'm done talking (Richard breaths out)

Richard: I saw Meredith this morning. She came to my office to ask the day off. She told me the two of you had a fight.

Derek: I wouldn't call it a fight… She killed me.

Richard: she was sorry… I don't know what she told you, but she was really sorry. And you should go home.

Derek: I can't. For the first time since all this happened… she looked really true to me. She was careless of my feelings, of my weakness… she didn't look at me like the man who could break down any second… she looked at me like her husband… she fought with me like we used to do. And she said that thing…

Richard: what thing? (Derek looks up at him and then goes back working)

Derek: that I looked for it… that I neglected the signals Kepner and Clark were giving me… if I had cared more… it wouldn't have happened.

Richard: she was probably upset, Derek. You know she doesn't think that.

Derek: but it's what she told…

Richard: why do you do this to yourself? What the hell happened to you? You are staying there, defenseless and passive while your life is drifting away. You used to fight, you kept attached to your life by your teeth… You didn't give up when it would have been easy to do it. Why are you doing it now?

Derek: I'm tired, Richard.

Richard: of what?

Derek: everyone is using to me to get something. Everyone takes something and I have nothing left to give (Derek looks up and sees Richard's worry, he throws the hammer away and stands up, walking in the garden). Today… for the first time… I really felt like a victim. I had never considered myself such. I've lived this thing like I was kind of a hero… I didn't react to him, I didn't try to protect myself not to turn him on more… Today… I had to say what happened again and again… I had to say those strangers what I felt, how it hurt… And that man kept asking… and I was forced to answer as I couldn't stay silent. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.

Richard: you shouldn't feel like that… You shouldn't be ashamed as you didn't choose it. You don't care about this trial, Derek. You don't care if mr. Clark will end in jail or will go home. You're living it in the wrong way. They're trying to make justice not to make you feel bad.

Derek: but I feel bad (he goes back sitting on the deck, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Richard sits near him)

Richard: I know it's difficult, I know it would be better to lay on the deck in your sleeping bag and stay here by yourself. But you have a wife, Derek. A pregnant wife who is worried about you. Who loves you, despite what she uttered today. Just go home. Don't talk if you don't want, be angry if it's what you feel. But don't close her out. This has been a living hell for the both of you. The only reason why you can't communicate is that you're still afraid of hurting each other. You have a set of emotions and fears not expressed… sometimes they pop out in a way that you can't control. But I know you and I know Meredith and the only thing I'm sure of is your love. Do you remember when you hit her ring in the woods?

Derek: how could I not?

Richard: she understood and she forgave you (he pats his shoulder). Go home… it's cold and you're soaked (he turns to leave) and your insurance agent… Jacob Price… is my friend… I couldn't lie to him if you broke your hand with that thing

* * *

Owen is taking the tube out of the patient's mouth. Reed and Lexie are with him.

Owen: you did a good job.

Lexie: thank you

Reed: fortunately she came here immediately.

Owen: yeah…

Reed: how could you have the nerve to make that? (she points to the cut in the woman's throat) Cutting blindly… with a knife…

Owen: it was necessary to have her survive. Sometimes… many times two minutes make the difference. And you need to be ready to catch them. It's one of the main tips of trauma. And before your internship is done… you'll be ready to do it too (he looks at them smiling and notices Lexie is really pale). Are you ok, dr. Grey?

Lexie: yes… absolutely

Owen: ok… you can go if you want. I'll keep her in observation for tonight and tomorrow we'll start the labs on the intestine to check if she got damages. Good work again and good night (the two girls smile and go out)

Reed: thank God… the smell was really starting to bother me

Lexie: lucky you… it has already bothered me (she opens the door of an on call room and closes it quickly. Reed goes on walking down the corridor. Lexie is leaning on the closed door, her eyes closed, she's breathing in and out quickly. She hears the bed squeaking and notices Mark was laying on the bed. He stands up smirking and gets closer)

Mark: right the person I was dreaming of (he kisses her neck but Lexie pushes him away and suddenly pukes all over his feet)

Lexie: shit… (Mark looks down on his clothes, a disgusted grimace paint on his face)

Mark: are you ok?

Lexie: I have doing a gastric lavage all day… (she straightens up and notices the state of Mark's clothes) Oh God… I'm so sorry…

Mark: never mind… it's fine

Lexie: no…it's not fine… Look at you… You shrink like…

Mark: vomit… I know…

Lexie: let me help you out of this (Mark takes off his scrub top, he throws it on the ground. He turns to look at Lexie)

Mark: so this was an excuse to get me naked, uhm? (she throws up on him again). Ok…

* * *

_As doctors we can at least try to be kind and polite and gentle at work._

_The result… it's not always granted._

_But when we get home, when we close the door behind our back, a switch turns and we go back to ourselves._

_Nasty and full of grudge… Deceived and disenchanted._

* * *

Bailey opens her front door and sets the keys on a table. She smiles when she hears her son giggling. The smile disappears immediately when, getting to the door, she sees her husband sitting on the carpet playing with the baby.

Tuck: daddy came here to play with me!

Tucker: I told Mrs. Vince she could go home… I stayed with him…

Bailey: it's fine. But now my boy needs to go to bed

Tuck: but daddy's here!

Bailey: and he'll be even tomorrow. It's late, sweetie, you need to go to sleep now (the baby stands up pouting, he goes out of the room). I'll come to tuck you in bed in three minutes (she diverts her eyes to her ex husband) What are you doing here?

Tucker: I thought we should talk

Bailey: there's no reason to talk. Really none. You think I'm a bad mother and you want our son. There's nothing else to talk about.

Tucker: I don't think you're a bad mother…

Bailey: no… no… you do. And now you're here to try to justify how you could say that thing to me, how you could even think I'd put my job before him.

Tucker: you did it already…

Bailey: when we were together I relied on you. Now… it's just me. And you can't imagine how difficult it is to have a job, to gain respect and to be a good mum at the same time. The whole day… I keep running around… I don't have five minutes for myself. But I take care that he has everything he needs, I'm always there for him.

Tucker: it's what mothers are for…

Bailey: that's your problem…

Tucker: what? That I want you to care of our son?

Bailey: no. That you want others to do what you can't. You always demand to everyone but yourself. You did it with me, you're doing it with him (Tucker closes his arms on his chest). Do you think he doesn't tell me about your suggestions at baseball game or at school? What are trying to do with him? Make him feel unsuitable… at 7?

Tucker: I just want him to be responsible… I want him to like what he does and to give everything on it. And finally… I don't expect you to understand this concept. You have never done (he takes his coat and leaves, Miranda snorts)

* * *

_When the mask falls down… it's the kaleidoscope of humanity you find in front of you._

_You see doubts when you were supposed to find strength._

_You find support where you were supposed to find anger._

* * *

Owen enters his house, he closes the door and sees Cristina sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in her hands. She looks tired but smiles at him anyway. He goes sitting near her, kissing her lightly.

Owen: hey… are you ok?

Cristina: just a little bit tired… How is your patient?

Owen: the procedure went good. Tomorrow we'll make further tests to check intestine and digestive system. The waitress came to the hospital, she wanted to know. She looked really sorry…

Cristina: will you signal the accident to the sanitary services?

Owen: I don't know. She said they switched two tables ordinations… We'll see Mrs. Thomas when she wakes up (Cristina drinks the wine and Owen looks at her). I know Teddy told you… (she looks at him and he silences)

Cristina: she still loves you… Are you surprised?

Owen: of course I am. Aren't you?

Cristina: no, it was pretty evident to anyone. But you.

Owen: are you mad at me?

Cristina: no. To her… a little bit. You are supposed to be friends… Friendship is difficult when one is more involved than the other. What do you think you'll do?

Owen: nothing… What should I do? I told her there was no chance for us, I'm in love with you, we're getting married. I'm sorry if she'll suffer but… I can't do anything about that.

Cristina: it won't be easy for her

Owen: I know… Should I avoid her? Should I stop to talk to her?

Cristina: no. If you can not to take advantage of her feelings, you should go on behaving like usual.

Owen: taking advantage? I'm not a narcissus who enjoys this situation.

Cristina: I know. But sometimes it's so easy to use these situations that you don't realize it till it's too late.

Owen: I won't use any situation. I love you. And I like Teddy. I'll try to respect the both of you, always.

Cristina: I know… (she sets the glass down and closes her arms around his neck) Are you working on the marriage?

Owen: yeah… I've had some ideas but before going on I need your suggestion.

Cristina: I told you no marriage crap for me…

Owen: yeah… but you should at least tell me if you prefer getting married in spring or summer or fall or winter

Cristina: well… we're in June… I won't wait till next spring… Winter is too cold… We could try for the end of the summer or the beginning of the fall. If you're quick enough to do things…

Owen: I'll be quick (he kisses her), very quick (he pushes her down on the couch)

* * *

_And sometimes you find the wreck right where you were supposed to find it_

* * *

Meredith is in the kitchen washing dishes, she hears the front door open. After some seconds Derek appears on the door frame, he is holding the clothes he was wearing in the morning.

Derek: hey

Meredith: hey (she gives him a small smile while drying her hands in a towel, he takes a bottle of scotch and pours a glass, he drinks it in one go, always careful to avoid Meredith's eyes). You're home… (he looks up a bit and just nods). I'm sorry… I didn't…

Derek: it doesn't matter now (he looks up at her and Meredith can clearly see the pain and the tiredness in his eyes)

Meredith: no… it does. I didn't mean…

Derek: you meant it, Meredith (his voice shakes a bit but Meredith is surprised by the coldness and also hurt in his voice). Maybe not in that way… but you meant it. But it's too much for me to fight with you on top of everything else. I want to talk about it… just not now.

Meredith: and when? You can't even look at me right now… How can we live with this argument floating around? Do you want me to pretend I didn't say anything?

Derek: no, I don't want that. But what you said hurts here (he points to his chest, to his heart), it hurts physically, Meredith. And I can't… I can't face it right now. I know you didn't want to hurt me, I know you didn't want to blame me. But I also feel you believe in what you said, in part at least. And it's a tough topic, it's a really delicate topic. And we'll talk, I promise.

Meredith: you've been saying it for weeks now, but the best moment never comes.

Derek: I know. But today is the worst ever. Please… (his eyes are glistening with tears and Meredith makes a step forward)

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: please, Meredith (a tear rolls down his cheek and Meredith stops). I'm begging you (she nods and Derek wipes tears away by the back of his hand)

Meredith: do you want me to cook something for you?

Derek: no… I… I just need a shower and… (Meredith sees him swallowing hard, all his face is a mask of tension and hurt. His eyes are down to the ground and she gets closer. She raises his chin to meet his eyes and she hugs him, enveloping his shoulders with her arms, leaning her face on his chest. She feels him relaxing in her embrace. They stay like that for some minute till she feels him trembling. She looks up and notices his shirt has signs of dried sweat)

Meredith: it's better you go changing or you'll get something

Derek: ok

Meredith: nobody's in. Take all the time you need in the shower. I'll be right here, ok? (he nods and makes some step to leave. Meredith keeps his hand in hers, he has to stop and look back at her) I love you

Derek: me too (she lets go of his hand and he walks out of the room)

* * *

_Then… it's not simply a good face you have to put on._

_But a full set of courage and bravery._

* * *

**I know some of you will probably be disappointed.**

**Meredith and Derek didn't talk about what happened and I didn't write anything about Derek's trial.**

**It was a precise choice and you'll learn more in the next chapters.**

**Here... I just put the seeds for what is going to happen next.**

**Hope you'll be with me.**

**I wait for your reviews and suggestions...**

**Many of you complained about the way Meredith was behaving to Derek and with Brad: Meredith is not careless, she is just confused and upset from all the situation, she wants to help Derek but she doesn't know how. She is pregnant and is scared about everything, she feels insecure (and I swear that, when I was pregnant, it was the same for me...) and Brad isn't helping with that. But don't worry (or better worry...) Brad isn't going to give up so easily on Meredith... There will be more turns in the story.**

**As regards the choice not to write of Derek's trial... I wanted to let you think whatever you prefered for now.**

**I will use it in the futures sessions with dr. Wyatt, the only person Derek can at least try to talk.**

**Many people have shame of their experiences, they can't show weaknesses. Derek is one of them. It's not he doesn't want to face the situation, he has great difficulties in talking about it, the same way he had troubles about talking about his dad's death. Dr. Wyatt will haver to do a great job... patient job.**

**Meredith is in the mid: she wants to help but she is scared to know, she doesn't want to press him but she feels he'd need that.**

**I'm available to your suggestions...**

**Hear you next chapter...**


	35. INSTINCTS

Hey!

In this update I've started to put some real storyline of GA.

You'll recognize some scene and character.

Let me know what you think!

R & R

* * *

_All the human kind is supposed to be reasonable and smart…_

_Intelligence is what makes us the masters of the universe. _

_When the darkest instincts seem to prevail on everything and we're going to act like animals, the light of thinking lights up and we cool down, we elaborate. Then we do._

_I think, then I am._

_But despite the fact we have been domesticated, we live in big… crowded cities, we wear clothes, we study… sometimes instincts are too strong to be silenced._

_Sometimes we serve them, not the contrary._

_Do you all think it's so bad?_

* * *

Cristina enters the locker room and finds Meredith tying her shoes.

Cristina: hey…

Meredith: hey (Cristina sits on the bench tiredly)

Cristina: I didn't see you yesterday evening…

Meredith: Derek came home.

Cristina: good!

Meredith: he didn't want to talk about our fight though… He was too stressed from the trial.

Cristina: maybe it was better… The both of you can cool down.

Meredith: maybe

Cristina: anyway I was happy you didn't come. It would have been embarrassing to have all this sex all around the house with you sleeping on the couch.

Meredith: oh, thank you. You're the dearest friend ever… I could be lonely and desperate at home and all you could think about was a screaming orgasm with Owen…

Cristina: not a screaming orgasm… several screaming orgasms

Meredith: and then I'm the whore here…

Cristina: you are not. You are a woman with a positive and active sexual life. For now (she eyes her belly meaningfully)

Meredith: it's strange, you know. I thought pregnancy would put to sleep the beast… but it doesn't. On the contrary. I'm as horny as ever. And Derek is all sad and shy. I'd kill for a night of hot sex.

Cristina: just ask

Meredith: I've never asked sex to Derek. Usually I have to lock in the bathroom not to have him inside with me. Now I could run all naked in the hospital and he wouldn't notice.

Cristina: but someone else would…

Meredith: no. I cleared with Brad. Probably you were right. He wanted something more and he thought I was interested. I told him I'm not. And he will keep the distance.

Cristina: huh huh…

Meredith: why are you giving me that look?

Cristina: what look?

Meredith: the look telling me you're ashamed of me as I still believe in Santa…

Cristina: well… you do believe in Santa. I guess you lived too much with Izzie. But… keep your guard on. Assholes like Brad don't take a no as an answer so easily.

Meredith: what do you think he'll do?

Cristina: I don't know. Just be careful…. Ok?

Meredith: ok… I hate motherly you.

Cristina: no problem. It's me who have to like motherly you (Meredith shows her tongue).

* * *

Derek is in the kitchen drinking a coffee. He is wearing an elegant blue suit, the tie lays abandoned on the counter, his hair is messy, his eyes show dark circles around. The front door opens and he hears Karev saying hi to someone. When he turns around he sees Owen on the doorframe.

Owen: hey

Derek: Cristina's not here

Owen: I know. I left her in front of the hospital (he enters and sets his beg on a stool). I came here to say hi and see if you need anything.

Derek: no, thank you (he turns around and sets the coffee cup in the sink, he opens the water and washes it. Owen can see him breathing out from behind, his shoulders raising and lowering for the movement. He sits on the stool)

Owen: are you sure? I don't want to press you but… if there's anything I can do for you… I owe you

Derek: what for?

Owen: you helped me with PSTD… even after I said terrible thing to you… you helped me and… I'm grateful… I'm not the guy who does great things or shows a lot of feelings but… I'm grateful to you. And I respect you.

Derek: you hated me at first…

Owen: just a bit… (Derek giggles) You called me uncle Sam after all…

Derek: just because you spoke to my patient without even consulting me. As you well know… I'm kind of arrogant.

Owen: you've got that reputation, I know.

Derek: really? Is that what they tell about me in the hospital?

Owen: one of the many things… you have a pretty enviable situation, you know? Usually arrogance is a fault. In your case, it looks quite a sexy quality.

Derek: sexy?

Owen: the kind of thing: Sheperd is arrogant but sexily arrogant. He thinks he's always right and he is most of the times. Other males could hate you for that…

Derek: please… Mark has nothing to be envious of. And concerning you… you've got a halo of mystery surrounding you.

Owen: maybe… but there's no chance if we compare to MC Dreamy.

Derek: it was your girlfriend who made up this funny nickname for me. Did you know?

Owen: no… It was so kind I thought it was Meredith's doing. Cristina is usually harsher…

Derek: I got to know it (he looks at his clock and stands up adjusting his tie)

Owen: why don't you come for dinner tonight? You and Meredith… We could grill some steak… have fun together…You could help me with the marriage preparing… Cristina is absent in this

Derek: thank you but… I don't think it's a good idea…

Owen: just don't say no now. We're at home anyway and then… it could be better than you think

Derek: how can you be so optimistic and marry Cristina Yang?

Owen: well… I tell you what she tells me. She got McDreamity…

Derek: McDreamity?

Owen: she says it's kind of an illness…. Love, positivity… romantic stuff

Derek: it sounds nice…

Owen: it is… I'm running late too (he stands up taking his briefcase). I hope to see you later…

Bailey is writing on a chart at the nurses station. Callie arrives smiling.

* * *

Callie: good morning everyone

Bailey: hey…

Callie: it's a beautiful day, don't you think?

Bailey: no. It's crappy.

Callie: oh come on… it's sunny.

Bailey: sunny doesn't mean beautiful

Callie: do you prefer rain and fog?

Bailey: no. I prefer a day where my ex husband doesn't try to take my son from me. I prefer a day which starts with a great night sleep, I prefer a day which starts with a good coffee and not the dark, awful thing which comes out of that machine. That would be a good day…

Callie: oh… I didn't know you were fighting with Tucker for Tuck's custody.

Bailey: I didn't know it even. I got to know when he showed up with his lawyer and told me I'm a crappy mother.

Callie: come on… he didn't say that… Did he?

Bailey: he did. But now the shock is gone. I'm going to wrestle if it's necessary.

Callie: that's my girl. Arizona and I are going to have the first interview for the adoption today.

Bailey: do you want to adopt a baby? (her voice is a little high pitched and Callie looks at her stunned)

Callie: yeah… why are you so surprised? (Bailey just stares at her without telling anything). Oh… you don't think lesbians and gays should adopt a baby…

Bailey: it's not that….

Callie: no, it is. You don't need to justify or apologize. You have a right to think like that. Many people do. My parents for example… and me too… I'm not that sure it's a good idea. But I want to try (Bailey takes her hand)

Bailey: it's not for you. It's just that the idea of two people of the same sex raising a kid… it scares me. I have a baby. I know how difficult it is. I know they need both their parents. Tucker can be an arrogant with me but he loves Tuck, he is there. And they do stuff only men want to do and like. I know that you and Robbins are great but… it's probably the teachings my parents gave me. The traditional idea of a family. My father still hopes Tucker and I can go back together…

Callie: well… my dad still hopes I can go back loving men… Will they ever stop wishing things from us?

Bailey: I guess no. But I behave the same towards my kid: I expect him to be good at school, I expect him to be polite and nice. I expect him to become the future chief of Seattle Grace

Callie: already?

Bailey: of course… After I retire it would be good to give him the shepter

Callie: Bailey to Bailey?

Bailey: technically Bailey to Jones…

Callie: I don't know what scares me more…

Bailey: funny… Do you prefer a mussy and chatty Sheperd to lead the train?

Callie: God no…

Bailey: so I can count on your vote…

Callie: sure

Bailey: good girl. I go to my patient now

* * *

Lexie and Mark are in an ON Call room, asleep on a bed. Lexie wakes up, she opens her eyes quietly, confused by the surroundings. She tries to straighten up but her head collides with the bunk bed above her

Lexie: shit (she rubs her forehead, Mark stirs beneath her)

Mark: hey… what's wrong?

Lexie: I have just broken my head on this thing… (Mark straightens up and kisses her forehead)

Mark: is it better?

Lexie: yeah, thank you… Did we sleep here?

Mark: yes (he stands up and stretches a bit). After you threw up on me several times, you fell sound asleep on the bed and I didn't want to wake you up.

Lexie: but you could go home…

Mark: and let you here by yourself? No… I was worried you could feel sick again. How are you now?

Lexie: I'm fine. I can't believe a simple lavage could churn my stomach that way

Mark: Gastric lavages are crap. Or you could be getting the flu… (he get closer and sets a hand on her forehead feeling her temperature). It doesn't look like…

Lexie: of course I'm not getting sick… I'm a doctor, remember?

Mark: yes… but I'm your doctor (he kneels in front of her) And you should stop yelling at me. Yesterday you used me like a living basin, now you yell.

Lexie: you're right… I'm sorry. You were so kind and full of attentions (she gets closer to kiss him on the lips but Mark makes a step back)

Mark: no offense but… (Lexie sets the palm of her hand in front of her mouth and blows, she smells her breath and a disgusted expression paints her face)

Lexie: oh my God… do you have a toothbrush or something in your locker?

Mark: I do. Wait two minutes and I go and take it (he stands up and opens the door)

Lexie: Mark…

Mark: yes?

Lexie: thank you (Mark smirks at her)

Mark: wash your teeth and you'll thank me properly later.

* * *

Brad enters Webber's office. Richard is sitting behind his desk reading documents and papers.

Brad: did you page me chief?

Richard: yes. I needed to talk to you. Sit, please (Brad sits in front of his desk and Richard takes the glasses off his nose). I was checking my staff files yesterday. I have a lot of contracts going down next month and I started to revise all the positions. Yours came out too (he takes a file from the pile and opens it). How is it going here for you?

Brad: well… all considering… I say good (Richard eyes him carefully leaning in his chair). I mean… the situation is a bit anomalous. The Head of my department is actually lacking… I noticed a lot of failures and disorganization … I guess it's normal in these conditions. Anyway my impressions were confirmed. You have a very good hospital, good staff, good reputation. Co workers are mainly nice and professional. I'm liking working here.

Richard: so you're telling me that you would consider a longer contract? (Brad's eyes sparkle with enthusiasm but his voice keeps blank)

Brad: we should talk about some aspect but… why not… (a thick silence fills the room, after some seconds Richard breaths out)

Richard: I'm sorry…

Brad: excuse me?

Richard: I'm sorry but I can't renew your contract

Brad: excuse me?

Richard: the staff of neurosurgery is complete

Brad: I don't understand… you hired me to fill the position of head of the department and it's still vacant

Richard: it's not. Dr. Sheperd will come back soon at full effect

Brad: did he tell you?

Richard: it's not your concern. I told you I could offer only a temporary contract and I told you as well I was positive Derek would come back after a while. I get that you're disappointed but I was clear to you. I didn't promise you anything. And with dr. Nelson all the spots are taken…

Brad: with all due respect… are you really dumping me hoping Sheperd will come back and Nelson will get out of his lethargy?

Richard: dr. Brad…

Brad: dr. Sheperd performed one surgery since I'm here. An epic surgery, I don't deny it. But it's a few to lead a department. He's going to be busy with the trial and you don't even know if he will feel to come back. And Nelson… he refused all the cases I gave to him, he trembles in front of everything… I understand you want to keep the head free if Derek comes back but… can you even consider to extend my contract for at least three months? I can start to look around in the while… but you wouldn't be in troubles if Sheperd doesn't come back so soon as you assume.

Richard: I'll let you know. It's all. (Brad stands up and leaves the room)

* * *

Meredith enters in Henry's room and finds him and his brother together.

Meredith: good morning…

Finn: good morning, dr. Grey.

Henry: good morning (he smiles widely at her and Meredith smiles back opening his chart)

Meredith: you're cheerful this morning

Henry: I slept good. My eyes hurt less and dr. Brad told me I could go home tomorrow

Meredith: actually it's what I'm here for. To check on you. Then dr. Bailey will check on you too. If everything is fine and there are the conditions to let you go, you'll be free (she approaches the bed and takes the penlight out of her pocket. She flashes him). How is the pain today?

Henry: good. It burns a little bit, but they tear less day by day.

Meredith: Cloud? Spots? Anything?

Henry: no. I see pretty good.

Meredith: good (she goes back writing on the chart)

Finn: which are the conditions you were talking about?

Meredith: well… from my point of view there is no restriction for you to go home. But dr. Bailey will be a little more strict. You need to have someone at home with you. You'll need to follow a diet for some week… Stuff like that (Meredith sees Finn's face hardening a bit)

Henry: when is the happy event?

Meredith: excuse me?

Henry: you're baby… You're pregnant, right?

Finn: Henry! You're inappropriate…

Meredith: no, it's fine. It's not a secret I guess. In three months… The due date should be the end of September.

Finn: do you know the sex?

Meredith: no. Last time my smart baby was keeping the secret. Leg closed.

Henry: have you decided the name?

Meredith: no, not yet. My husband and I have to work on it too.

Henry: it must be exciting. And it's a great responsibility. A wrong name can change the life…

Finn: you're quite melodramatic… don't you think?

Henry: I'm realistic… Luckily our parents were not fool enough to humor you.

Meredith: why?

Henry: have you checked my second name?

Meredith: no (she makes a grimace and opens the chart). Original…

Henry: crappy… and he wanted me to have that as first name.

Finn: it's wonderful… Elegant but not fancy, old and traditional but modern too.

Henry: yes… a masterpiece (Meredith laughs and Brad enters the room)

Brad: is it breakfast time? (his tone is scolding and Meredith turns serious, she handles him the chart)

Meredith: good morning. I performed all the tests and they're good. I would dismiss him (Brad signs the chart and handles it back to Meredith)

Brad: from our point of view you're free. Good luck (he goes away and Meredith shrugs)

Meredith: see you later

* * *

Teddy arrives in front of the nurses station. She picks up a chart and enters a patient's room. She finds herself in front of a guy on his 40s, brown hair and piercing green eyes. He smiles to her and she smiles back opening the chart.

Teddy: mr. Burton, I'm doctor Altman. Nice to meet you

Henry: It's my pleasure too… Just call me Henry, ok? I know we're going to spend little time together… you're probably going to dismiss me today but… Henry is fine

Teddy: why should I dismiss you today? From the labs and what I read on your chart, you should keep us company for a lot of time.

Henry: I should. And I would since the average of beauty of surgeons raised so quickly this morning… You know… dr. Webber treated me in the last months (Teddy flips the pages of his chart, frowning to notice the amount of surgeries Henry has already endured) but… in the end you'll know I have no insurance. And I can't afford to pay by myself.

Teddy: your insurance cut the coverage?

Henry: how to blame them? I had 34 surgeries in the last two years. I'm a dead man walking and I was more expensive than half of the citizens of Seattle. When the insurance expired, they didn't renew it. And no other new company accepted me… better… they did. But the price was about 150.000 $ a year… Much better to spend them to fulfill my last wishes. And my fiancé's wishes. Shame she dumped me last week as she couldn't take it anymore.

Teddy: I'm sorry

Henry: don't be. People around me get immediately sorry but it's useless. I want cheeriness. So please… smile (Teddy smiles to him). I feel my labs have improved right now (Teddy giggles and he smiles too)

Teddy: mr. Burton (he raises his brow to her)… Henry… dr. Webber sent me here this morning to check your lungs. I have to run some test on you and then we'll see what to do (Cristina enters the room)

Cristina: good morning… dr. Altman, did you page?

Teddy: yeah… this is mr. Burton…. Henry… and these are the tests I've prescribed. Look for me when you're done. See you later, Henry (she goes out and Cristina opens the chart, she reads and looks quickly at Henry)

Cristina: I beg your pardon, mr. Burton. Dr. Altman forgot to sign a document I need (she takes the chart and leaves, she sees Teddy walking down the corridor and joins her running). Dr. Altman… (Teddy turns around)

Teddy: yeah?

Cristina: I thought you were not going to punish me for the conversation we had yesterday (Teddy sets her hands in her labcoat pockets and frowns)

Teddy: excuse me?

Cristina: are you seriously going to stuck me all day with a man we both know won't have neither a surgery nor treatments in this hospital?

Teddy: what do you mean?

Cristina: he is actually a dead man walking with no insurance. The Chief won't let him even close to an OR.

Teddy: probably he won't. That's why I'm going to meet him right now. Just do your job and I'll do mine. And it's you who is using our conversation.

Cristina: I'm…

Teddy: you're my resident and I paged you. If you don't want this case, let me know. I'll pick an intern (she stretches her hand to take the chart but Cristina makes a step back)

Cristina: no… it's fine… I'm sorry (she walks away and Teddy starts to walk towards the chief's office)

* * *

Owen's pager beeps and he walks fast into the ER. He finds Webber, Bailey and Sloan already there.

Owen: what's up?

Richard: a school bus slipped out of the motorway down to a bank. We have a lot of patients coming.

Bailey: what the hell is wrong with schools lately? First the explosion, now the school bus…

Owen: where's Robbins?

Richard: she had a permission for this morning… And Torres too.

Bailey: how are we going to manage all these kids?

Richard: I paged dr. Stark (Bailey narrows her eyes at him and Richard closes his arms on his chest). He's all around a surgeon of Seattle Grace. I f we need help, he'll be useful.

Bailey: if you say so (Reed and Avery join them, Avery approaches Bailey)

Avery: excuse me, dr. Bailey…

Bailey: yes?

Avery: the nurse upstairs told me Henry is waiting for your approval to go home (he handles her the chart)

Bailey: did Brad sign?

Avery: yeah… dr. Grey confirmed me neurologically he's fine (Bailey looks at her clock and Richard anticipates her)

Richard: they're coming…

Bailey: Avery… let the patient know I'll be in his room as soon as possible. Then come back here (Avery leaves and Bailey looks at the chief). What?

Richard: I'm sorry?

Bailey: you look like you're thinking…

Richard: I always think

Bailey: you look like you're thinking at something work related which bothers you (Mark leans to talk into Richard's ear)

Mark: there's nothing to do, chief. Women can read us like open books

Bailey: just when there's something to read (Mark's smile disappears, the door opens and Teddy arrives too)

Teddy: hi everyone… Can I have a word with you, chief?

Richard: I haven't time now. There's an emergency situation going on. Everything you have to say has to wait.

Teddy: ok (she steps aside breathing out, Bailey looks at the chief)

Bailey: so?

Richard: it was nothing to do with you, Bailey. I have a hospital to run and sometimes I have worries and doubts (Bailey is about to speak but Richard silences her) and sharing won't help. So now let's concentrate on our patients (the door opens again and Brad and Meredith join them)

Brad: sirs (Bailey notices something changes in Richard's eyes). What's going on?

Mark: school bus down a hill. We're waiting for the patients.

Brad: do you already know the traumas?

Richard: nothing (the sound of several ambulances fills the air). We're going to know soon though.

* * *

Avery enters Henry's room and finds the boy alone.

Avery: good morning.

Henry: doctor…

Avery: I came here just to say that dr. Bailey is busy at the ER now, we have an emergency and she'll come as soon as she can to release you.

Henry: no

Avery: excuse me?

Henry: you can't dismiss me

Avery: why? Don't you feel good? Are you in pain or…

Henry: no, nothing like that. I'm fine.

Avery: so, what's the problem?

Henry: dr. Grey told me that I'll need to be supervised for the first days… weeks maybe

Avery: it's true. The surgery went good but you'll need assistance and recovery. And it's really important you're not alone… You'll need to be fed properly, to have treatments, to be quiet. And usually we recommend the presence of a relative.

Henry: you can't do that (Avery notices his eyes are glistening with tears and he sits on his bed)

Avery: what's wrong, Henry? It looks like you and your brother are really bound. He'd do everything for you. Don't you want him to take care of you?

Henry: no… and it's not as I don't love him. On the contrary. It's because I do. And I can't be the reason why he loses his job. He likes his job and he's going to lose it.

Avery: how can you say it? Maybe he'll get permissions and…

Henry: he's under examination. For the next two months. He hasn't a definitive contract. What do you think will happen if he has to take care of me? They're going to fire him. And he'll let them. But I can't. I can't as I have seen him working like a dog for years doing stuff he hates just to support the both of us. He's a great guy and he had to accept to work on boats as we needed money. He has attended a evening school to do what he likes and now he has this job. You have to keep me here. Please…

Avery: I… (Finn comes into the room with a glass of water and Avery stands up)

Finn: dr. Avery… Are you here for the final visit?

Avery: no. I'll come back with dr. Bailey after the emergency we're dealing with. I'm not even sure it's going to be today.

Finn: oh…

Henry: don't worry. Go to work. I'll call you if there are news (Finn looks at Avery)

Avery: he needs your signature to leave. He won't go anywhere. And he's going to be fine.

Finn: right… I go then (he leaves and Avery looks at Henry)

Avery: I'll see what I can do, Henry. But I can't promise you anything (his pager beeps). I need to go now.

* * *

Mark and Alex are near a gurney, they're treating a little boy. The kid seems scared and is looking with wide eyes to the needle Mark is preparing.

Alex: Mike, stay quite now

Mike: why?

Alex: as dr. Sloan here is going to treat your cut (Mike looks at Mark with wider eyes and talks to Alex)

Mike: can't he talk? (Mark looks at him while Alex laughs)

Mark: of course I can

Mike: you were there all silent…

Mark: as I'm trying to concentrate

Mike: why?

Mark: as I'm going to treat you

Mike: why?

Mark: you have a cut

Mike: why?

Alex: you don't remember?

Mike: of course I remember. The driver fell asleep. And my head collided with the glass.

Mark: so you know the reason…

Mike: which reason?

Mark: why you have a cut. Just stay still now

Mike: why? (Mark looks exasperated by his questions and retreats a bit)

Mark: are you not out of the "why phase" yet? Kids are supposed to stop making questions once at school.

Mike: mrs. Yates says that we have always to make questions. She says making questions is the door towards wisdom and knowledge. She says if we don't ask, we don't know and we don't get answers. She says….

Mark: ok ok ok… You'll make later the almanac of what your teacher says (Alex is laughing and Mark seems to lose his patience). Now stay still as you need some stitch. It won't hurt, I promise.

Mike: are you sure?

Mark: yeah… I'm sure

Mike: can I hold your hand?

Mark: I'm… you can't hold mine. Hold dr. Karev's. And squeeze if you're scared. Just don't move (Mike takes Alex's hand and Mark starts to stitch. The kid's fingers immediately wraps around Alex's)

Alex: you have a good grip, champ. Do you play baseball?

Mike: no. My dad says baseball is a girlie game. I play hockey.

Alex: hockey isn't less girlie

Mike: why? What do you play?

Alex: I used to practice boxe.

Mike: I don't like boxe. I'm scared of the pain. And I don't like the idea of punching someone for sport.

Mark: the little man here looks wiser than you.

Alex: he's too young to appreciate it. But he'll do (Mike looks around and his eyes settle on Lexie. She's leaning at the nurses station, a small smile plastered on her lips, she's looking straight at Mark and Mike feels at unease and moves on the chair)

Mark: still, Mike

Mike: that girl is bothering me (Alex follows his gaze and sees Lexie)

Alex: why? She's doing nothing

Mike: she's laughing about me. She keeps staring and laughs as I'm scared.

Mark: anybody here laughs as you're scared. We're in a hospital. People have a right to be scared. And kids more than others (he sets the needle down and looks at the kid's forehead) Here we go, we put a good, funny band aid (he shows Mike a stars and stripes band aid and sets it on his wound) and you're free to go (he wheels a little away with his stool and Alex helps the kid down of the gurney)

Alex: go and find your teacher now (Mike makes some step away, he stops and goes back in front of Mark)

Mark: what? (Mike raises on his toes and kisses him on the cheek)

Mike: it didn't hurt. Thank you (he leaves and Mark stays there stunned. Alex laughs again and Lexie's smile gets wider)

* * *

Lexie: have you seen that?

Meredith: what?

Lexie: Mark and the baby… He was so sweet…

Meredith: who? The baby?

Lexie: no, Mark… Well… the kid too… But Mark was so patient and nice. Usually kids bother him. This time he was… natural (Meredith's brows couldn't go higher on her forehead).

Meredith: the kid was a patient, Lexie.

Lexie: I know. But he talked to him and joked with him. He made him feel comfortable. Old Mark wouldn't do that.

Meredith: old Mark?

Lexie: he's changing… a lot

Meredith: what are you doing, Lexie? A test? (she smiles and Lexie looks at her)

Lexie: I'm not doing anything. I'm just saying that Mark's attitudes towards kids have changed. His attitude towards a lot of things has changed (Meredith's brows go higher). He 's considering to evolve our relationship.

Meredith: that's to say?

Lexie: well… I don't know… He talks about living together, us being a family… Stuff like that…

Meredith: and you're happy about it?

Lexie: now you're making me an interview…

Meredith: I'm not. We're talking. Sister to sister. You suggested the topic and I'm following you.

Lexie: we're in the mid of an ER, in an emergency…

Meredith: I know. But Brad is going to come back in ten minutes and Bailey told you to stay here. We're not breaking rules. Use the time, talk (Lexie looks around and swallows)

Lexie: do you think I should make a step forward with him? I mean… I love him. And I know he loves me. But deep inside I'm still scared he's going to dump me, he's going to get tired of me. Should I trust him?

Meredith: Lexie… I'm not the better person to give advice on trust and stable relationships.

Lexie: why not? You're with Derek… You know how things work with an older man…

Meredith: Derek won't be happy you called him an oldie …

Lexie: I didn't… (she starts to gesticulate and Meredith stops her)

Meredith: I was kidding (Lexie breaths out) I'm with Derek and we're happy. We have problems and I have learnt that it's normal, not easy but normal. Still… I'm not the right woman to dissipate trust and commitment issues. Sometimes making that step looks too great… it looks even unbearable. Giving up your comfort, your habits… to share them with someone. Are you ready to do it?

Lexie: it's not what is scaring me… I've been sharing my house with strangers since I was in med school. I got used to miss spaces and comforts like you call them. But it's different. There it was a necessity, here is a choice. And I'm scared I'm making things too fast, I don't want to regret I could wait longer and I rushed into a cohabitation (Meredith takes Lexie's hand)

Meredith: you're ready, that's my opinion

Lexie: you've just said…

Meredith: you asked my opinion and I gave it to you. You feel the way I felt. Do you know when I finally decided to let Derek in? To let him love me and love him back? (Lexie shakes his head) When he started to date other women. There I got I could lose him. And I got afraid. And I was afraid as I had someone to lose. That's what I told him. So yeah… according to my judgment, you're ready and you should jump in (Brad arrives at the nurses station)

Brad: sorry to break the family reunion but our patient is ready (he leaves and Meredith smiles to Lexie walking away)

* * *

Bailey and Webber are down in the CT control room, they look through the glass to Avery and the patient.

Bailey: you're pissed with Brad… (Richard turns to look at her)

Richard: I'm not…pissed (Bailey narrows her eyes inviting him to go on). He expects to stay here and I'm not sure I want him.

Bailey: you're not sure? What the hell are you waiting to kick him out?

Richard: Bailey… maybe the fact that I need a neurosurgeon?

Bailey: you don't need him, you have Sheperd!

Richard: and where is he now? I'm sure he will come back but I really don't know when.

Bailey: what do you mean? (Richard swallows and Bailey keeps silent) I don't want to know things you can't tell me… personal things… but I know that dr. Wyatt updates you. I hoped he was making progress…

Richard: apparently not many. And I'm afraid it will get even worse after the trial. I met him yesterday and he was… depressed. I had underestimated this situation, Miranda. And I have to do what is best for the hospital till I lead it. Brad is a neurosurgeon. Maybe I don't like him really much, you probably don't like him really much… but for now SG needs a neuro professional and I have to ponder if firing Brad and hiring someone new is better than standing him three months longer.

Bailey: I know… I'm sorry… but saying probably I don't like him is too optimist from you.

Richard: I know. The thing that scares me more is that Derek looks to hate him. There's something going on between the two of them… Sending him away would be a waste and a damage to the hospital, keeping him here would affect Derek's nerves.

Bailey: now I know you won't miss being chief… (Richard smiles and Avery enters the room)

Avery: he's ready, but scared. If you agree I would stay there with him.

Bailey: sure… keeping the patient calm is a real important thing. Especially when it's a little kid. Go, Avery (Jackson stays on the spot looking at her and Bailey frowns). Do you need anything?

Avery: I… I went to Henry Maloney before….

Bailey: I know, I sent you there

Avery: I think we might have a problem with him (both Webber and Bailey look at him, the interphone sounds and Bailey pushes the button)

Bailey: yeah?

Technic: we're ready

Bailey: ok, dr. Avery will join you immediately (she releases the button). We'll talk about it later… I have the feeling this patient will take us a lot of time (Avery nods and walks out)

Richard: the kid is growing finely

Bailey: it's my kid, what did you expect? I raise my kids to be the best. I raised Grey, Karev and Young and they all are excellent. Avery will be too.

Richard: well… technically… he's my kid too (Bailey turns at him, a strange expression on her face). Don't you like to work with me?

Bailey: I do. But if technically Avery is yours too, it means we're kind of professionally married. See how it went my first time… watch out (she turns to look at the screen and then turns again). And your wife has already accused once to be your mistress… I don't want to create scandals. Especially now Tucker and I are on the war path (Richard is about to speak but the images appear and they both shut up)

* * *

Owen and Reed are in a patient room with an adult, a 50s man who is lying on the stretcher. His face is bloody and his chest is covered in dark bruises. Owen is filling a syringe and Reed approaches him rubbing her nose.

Reed: dr. Hunt… (she gets closer and Owen can read her discomfort, he understands what she wants to say)

Hunt: I know. He smells like a distillery. Take the blood and order specific tests for alcoholics and drugs

Man: can I go home now? (Hunt rolls his eyes and gets closer to him)

Hunt: sir… I have already said you were in an accident. You have lacerations and wounds which need to be cleaned and sutured.

Man: my leg hurts…

Hunt: that's because it's probably broken and you'll need a cast. We are waiting for the X-rays to be available to run further tests

Man: what the hell are you waiting for? Aren't you doctors supposed to relieve patient's pain?

Hunt: we are and we do. But there were a lot of kids involved in the accident. While we wait… we'll take care of these cuts

Man: don't you have a plastic guy or someone specialized?

Reed: your cuts are superficial, mr. Fowler. You don't need a plastic surgeon. You just need to relax and stay still. I'll stitch you up and then we'll run more tests (Reed starts to clean the man's wounds, a nurse enters the room and handles Owen some scans, he places them on the screen in front of him)

Owen: did you hit against the steering wheel?

Man: I don't remember. Everything is a blur

Owen: the scans show a strong contusion to the thoracic cage. I don't see fractures though. How do we proceed dr. Adamson?

Reed: I'll go and check if the CT is free (Owen smiles to her and she stands up and leaves. The man's cell rings)

Man: can I pick it up?

Owen: sure… (he goes on cleaning the wounds and the man answers)

Man: hallo? It's me Jack… I wanted to call you… I don't know what the hell happened! One minute I was on the motorway, the following I was in a wreck down the hill… Probably an animal crossed the roadway or a wheel exploded… What do you mean? What? How you dare? No… no… you listen to me! I am perfectly fine, if anyone told you the contrary they're just a load of bastards! Yeah… do what you have to do, son of a bitch! (he closes the phone snorting and tries to stand up) Let me go!

Owen: hey… just lie down

Man: I'm not going to stay here while that bastard wants to fire me!

Owen: mr. Fowler… you're altered…

Man: I'm perfectly fine!

Owen: you're altered as you had a shock two hours ago. And I swear that, when adrenaline goes down, you'll feel like crap. You need treatments and you need to have all your labs done. Don't try to move or I'll call security

Man: you can't keep me here if I don't want to

Owen: I can. As you were the driver of a school bus where a dozen of kids got hurt. So, if you don't want more troubles than the ones you're going to have for sure, just stay here

* * *

Meredith puts a set of scans on the screen. She turns on the light and a frown appears on her face.

Meredith: crap (she takes the scans and rushes out of the door. She bumps into Brad and the scans fall down) I'm sorry (she kneels to pick up the envelope)

Brad: don't apologize, women always run to me

Meredith: yeah… especially when a seven years old girl has a brain hemorrhage going on

Brad: what?

Meredith: these are Victoria's scans

Brad: the girl with the headache? (he sets the scans back on the screen and looks at them) It's huge.

Meredith: do I book an OR?

Brad: yes, how is she? (he picks the scans and they start to walk down the corridors to the ER)

Meredith: she was fine five minutes ago. The nurse called me and I left her downstairs. She was talking without problems…

Brad: probably the bleeding hasn't affected the temporal lobe yet (they get into the ER and their attention is caught immediately by a girl seizing on the stretcher, they both run to the gurney) What happened?

Nurse: I was checking her IV… she was talking… she made a strange noise and then started seizing

Brad: dr. Grey… (Meredith is filling a syringe and Brad notices her)

Meredith: 5 mg…

Brad: good (he opens the IV for her and after some seconds the girl stops seizing)

Meredith: I go and book the OR

Brad: I did it already, let's go upstairs (they wheel the gurney out and enter in the elevator, Meredith pushes the button and Brad notices she gives a sad look to the girl). Are you ok working with this?

Meredith: why should I not?

Brad: as you're pregnant

Meredith: and?

Brad: I don't know. I should be paying more attention to your sensitivity after my last experience.

Meredith: I'm sorry if dr. Sheperd got mad to you. It was my choice and fault. But that was a mistake, this girl can't do nothing bad to me or my baby.

Brad: so you're not bothered to operate on a girl who could be your daughter?

Meredith: I'm bothered that this girl is lying here unconscious. She bothers me like every baby who got into this hospital. Babies are not supposed to get hurt.

Brad: I know… That's why it's really important to be focused and close out all feelings

Meredith: I do (the elevator's door opens and they rush into the OR)

Brad: is everything ready?

Nurse: yes, dr. Brad (he nods and both him and Meredith go out to scrub in)

Brad: are you aware that we could lose her?

Meredith: yes

Brad: are you aware that, if things go wrong, all we can do is trying to protect her organs in case her parents want to donate them?

Meredith: I am. I just hope we won't need it.

Brad: I hope you hope strong, dr. Grey. Let's go in there (they enter the room)

* * *

Arizona and Callie are sitting in an elegant office, the room is well furnished with old furniture and paintings.

Callie: this was the worst idea ever

Arizona: stay calm. Everything is going to be fine

Callie: we were the only two women in the waiting area

Arizona: no… there were a lot of…

Callie: I didn't mean that. We were the only couple not…

Arizona: hetero?

Callie: yeah

Arizona: so? The leaflets clearly say also homosexuals can adopt babies. We aren't doing anything wrong… (the door opens and a man enters the room, he is holding a folder under his arm and sits in front of them)

Man: good morning

Callie and Arizona: good morning…

Man: I'm Walter Bates and I'm responsible of the interviews for couples willing to adopt babies (he opens the folder) and you are… dr. Torres and Robbins

Callie: yes… that's us (she smiles widely and Arizona gets she's really nervous, she squeezes her hand under the table)

Bates: so you want to adopt a baby…

Arizona: yes

Bates: you know that the path for lesbians couples is longer than for hetero couples, right?

Arizona: we know. But it doesn't matter.

Bates: how long are the two of you together?

Arizona: it's been two years

Callie: two years and a month… (Bates smiles to her and Arizona squeezes her hand again)

Bates: dr. Torres… from your form you said you've been married before… with a man (he leans in his chair and Callie squirms under his scrutiny). I don't want to make you feel awkward… I'm not here to judge you but… can you tell me something more?

Callie: why? I mean… that was part of my past… it doesn't matter anymore now

Arizona: Callie… mr. Bates is here as he wants to know you, he doesn't want to criticize you or anything. We are here to ask the custody of a baby, it's normal he wants to make sure we're suitable and caring. He wants to know us as persons, he wants to make sure we're reliable and mature. You don't need to feel under accusation

Bates: she's right, dr. Torres. I'm sorry I put you in trouble, it was not my purpose. We can't go back to this late if you prefer (he flips some page)

Callie: I got married to a co worker five years ago. I was still in the phase I was denying my sexuality and he had just lost his father. We got married to make each other company. It didn't last…

Bates: and how did you know each other?

Arizona: we work in the same place… We're both surgeons…

Bates: I see… It's a big step for two doctors… two successful surgeons to have a baby to raise

Arizona: a baby is always a huge step…

Bates: do you think you will be able to manage your schedules and timetables to handle the situation?

Arizona: we wouldn't be here…

Callie: I know we'll have to organize things differently if we adopt a baby. This doesn't scare us.

Bates: good… I guess you've read all the papers we've sent you home

Callie: of course

Bates: this is just an informative interview. If you are sure you want to go on, which doesn't mean you'll actually be allowed to adopt a baby, just sign here (he pushes towards them a paper. Both Callie and Arizona sign)

Callie: which is the rate of couples who finally get to adopt?

Bates: 10-15% (the surgeons' faces drop)

Arizona: how can it be? There are hundreds of babies abandoned each year…

Bates: I know. But unfortunately there are very strict requirements to be suitable for the adoption.

Callie: and do you think that , being homosexuals, our chances are lower?

Bates: if I thought that… you wouldn't be here (he stands up). My secretary will call you soon to schedule a new appointment. Have a nice day (they shake hands and Arizona and Callie leave)

* * *

Bailey, Richard and Avery are in the same OR.

Richard: things looked worse from the CT

Bailey: fortunately the big eye sometimes sees wrong…

Richard: I'd say it sees and shows right, our eyes see wrong.

Bailey: so robots are better than doctors? (Richard laughs)

Richard: you'll never get me to say that… (a thick silence fills the room, it's broken only by the sounds of the instruments working and the monitors beeping)

Bailey: so, dr. Avery, which is the problem we have with Henry Maloney?

Avery: well… (he eyes Richard suspiciously) dr. Brad cleared him this morning. He just needs your visit and signature to go home.

Bailey: and it's good… He endured two tough surgeries but his recovery went really good. He'll need more care once home but… he and his brother must be happy…

Avery: they are… but there is a problem with Henry going home

Bailey: that's to say?

Avery: apparently his brother has just found a job and it's only temporary. Henry is scared he'll lose it if he needs to take care of him.

Richard: and how is this our problem? (both Avery and Bailey look at him)

Avery: Henry doesn't want to leave the hospital

Richard: dr. Avery… are you aware that this isn't kindergarten?

Avery: yes sir

Richard: we can't keep people in our hospital, in our departments, in our rooms as they don't want to go home.

Avery: but we can keep them here if they haven't anyone who can warrant them a proper care…

Richard: that's not his case. He has a brother who lives with him. We'll give him prescriptions, a diet and a list of labs to run in the next weeks. That's all the hospital can do for him.

Bailey: oh really?

Richard: dr. Bailey…

Bailey: no, dr. Webber. We're having a family conversation. You, our kid and I.

Avery: kid?

Bailey: shut up. Am I wrong or we're giving new life to the clinic?

Richard: how does the clinic count in this?

Bailey: it does…

Avery: we could keep him some more and make the treatments in the clinic…

Bailey: you see? Our kid gets what I think immediately. I should be surprised but I'm not as this is the further example of how the relationship between mother and son is natural and instinctive. The father…

Richard: the father is useful to keep all of you in line, to give you discipline. I feel for those guys. But I can't keep a bed busy for ten days if this patient is fine. A bed costs me 480 $ a day, 4.800 $ for a stay in hospital which is not necessary… What should I say in my budget and costs report?

Bailey: that your co worker… better the Chief of General surgery was worried by a rare but really dangerous complication which could affect the patient's health. She then decided to keep him here for some more day…

Richard: how many?

Bailey: let's start with five?

Avery: seven… a week would be safer…

Bailey: you're right… seven days to check on him and to make sure every possible problem is averted. In the while, he'll be visited and helped by our willing staff…

Avery: I could be with him in my spare time… I wouldn't use my working time…

Bailey: do you see, chief? Kids feel for each other (Avery laughs under his mask)

Richard: I'll keep that in mind. I thought there would be a sort of male solidarity in this family…

Bailey: when you deserve it… And when our kid will start not to fear me anymore…

* * *

Owen is writing at the nurses station when Reed joins him.

Reed: dr. Hunt…

Owen: yes?

Reed: I've just picked up mr. Fowler's exams. He was positive both to alcohol test and cocaine.

Owen: that bastard was driving a school bus out stoned (they hear loud noises coming from the ER and a man yelling. Owen and Reed share a quick look and walk to the other room. They stop seeing mr. Fowler yelling to a security guard)

Security guard: you need to go back to your room, sir

Fowler: get the hell out of my way! (he tries to walk away but the guard prevents him. Suddenly mr. Fowler pushes him against a gurney and the guard falls, he starts kicking him violently)

Reed: oh my God

Owen: call other security (he runs to mr. Fowler and pulls him back, he pushes him away roughly and two nurses run to help the guard)

Fowler: what do you want, doc? Do you want to clean my wounds? Clean his! (a grimace of disgust paints Owen's face, he punches him violently and the man falls on the ground. Hunt shakes his hand grimacing in pain)

Reed: are you all right, dr. Hunt?

Hunt: yes. But he's not. I think I broke his nose. Page Sloan (he walks away while the guards stop mr. Fowler on the ground)

* * *

Teddy joins Cristina in a conference room.

Teddy: are you done with all the exams?

Cristina: yeah… I would have been quicker but there was a mess today

Teddy: yes, I heard. The school bus crash.

Cristina: actually… (she pushes the folder towards Teddy) I don't know where to start. The kidneys are failing, diabetes is really bad. The heart is weak from all the surgeries he had and the poor feeding. Lungs work half service. And the tumor… just take a look yourself (Teddy flips the pages till the end, she finally looks up and searches the scans on the screen, a wide, black spot immediately catching her attention)

Teddy: it has already aggressed the pancreas…

Cristina: yeah (she looks down sensing the gravity of the situation, Teddy rubs her eyes) Do you really think you can convince dr. Webber to operate on him?

Teddy: I don't know. I couldn't meet him today. He has spent the whole day in surgery.

Cristina: do you think it will help him? (Teddy looks up at her)

Teddy: honestly… I don't know. He could have more time. He knows he is a ticking bomb. It's just too cruel to let him go home to die alone. Law should protect people like this. He had a normal life and he got sick. He lost everything. And now he hasn't either a chance to be treated and stay in a hospital as his insurance dumped him? That's not the America I grew up in (she breaths out and Cristina looks at her). I'm sorry… (she rubs her eyes tiredly)

Cristina: at this point which are our chances?

Teddy: I don't know. If I could do something I'd start with the pancreas. That tumor needs to come out as it's what affects diabetes and kidneys. If he survives the first surgery, I'll schedule him for a bypass. And then we'll see.

Cristina: the chief won't allow pro bono surgeries…

Teddy: I'll try to be as persuasive as I can. You made a good job today, dr. Yang.

Cristina: thank you (she stands up and leaves, walking down the corridor Alex joins her)

Alex: your lover is a sheriff… (Alex smirks and Cristina smirks back)

Cristina: why? What did he do this time?

Alex: he has just knocked down an ass in the ER (Cristina stops, the smirk becomes worry)

Cristina: what?

Alex: the guy was out of control, he aggressed a guard and Hunt jumped in the mix. He was the bus driver… drunk and drugged like a horse.

Cristina: do you know where he is?

Alex: in a visit room with a bag of ice on his precious hand. Waiting for the chief to kick his ass (he walks away and Cristina takes her cell from the pocket)

* * *

Meredith and Brad are in the OR.

Brad: suction, please. Do you see the source of the bleeding?

Meredith: it's this vein… How do we close it?

Brad: I don't know… keep suctioning (he moves tissues trying to find a better visualization). Where's Sheperd?

Meredith: he has the day off

Brad: stop the gardening and call him

Meredith: he won't answer the phone. He was at the court today

Brad: well try! (Meredith puts down the scalpel, she makes some step away from the table and takes off her mask and cap. She dials Derek's number but the answering machines speaks in her ear)

Meredith: it's off

Brad: leave him a message to call as soon as he turns it on (Meredith talks into the phone and then goes out. From the window Brad sees her scrubbing in again, she enters and gets dressed approaching the table)

Meredith: what do we do know? (Brad doesn't answer) I saw dr. Sheperd doing a surgery like this once (Brad's eyes go to her) He used a metallic clip to close the bleeding. After some day he opened the patient up again and fixed the problem.

Brad: homemade repair

Meredith: you asked and I answered (her cell rings, she takes everything off again and answers) Derek… oh… good morning. I'm dr. Sheperd's wife (Brad's eyes sparkle hearing this word) How is he? Oh… ok. Can I talk with him? Mrs. Smile… it's not a personal thing. I need to talk to him as I have an emergency in the OR and I don't know what to do. I promise I won't ask anything, ok? (there are some seconds of silence)

Brad: so?

Meredith: wait a minute

Brad: no problem… we got all day here (Meredith looks at Brad mad, in that moment she realizes someone is on the phone)

Meredith: hey (her voice gets smoother) How are you? No, ok.. It's fine. I called you as we have a girl on the table, 8 years old. The school bus crashed and she has a hemorrhage. She started seizing and we brought her in. The bleeding comes from the…

Brad: give me that phone (Meredith narrows her eyes at him and walks near Brad keeping the phone close to his ear) Sheperd, it's Brad. The bleeding comes from the vein near the hypothalamus. Grey said you treated one with a clip once… No, it's too close to try a bypass. Ok… ok… (Meredith notices the line is dead and closes the phone) He wasn't really talkative. Go scrub in (Meredith goes out and after some seconds and the usual operations comes back) Do you remember the clip he used?

Meredith: left, 3. But the bleeding was at the other side.

Brad: ok, we're using a right then (he stretches his hand and takes the little item in his clamp). Curious technique …

Meredith: dr. Sheperd can be really original

Brad: you don't become a world class neurosurgeon if you can't improvise in the OR.

Meredith: this was the only compliment you made him since I know you

Brad: you're wrong. I appreciate him professionally. Unlike him. We just can't built a relationship. It happens. We can't love everyone. And not everybody can love us. How would I do then?

Meredith: you're so humble…

Brad: I am. And I have got a reason to be gloating (he raises his hands from the table). Today I stole something from dr. Sheperd. I hope it's the first of many things. You can close, dr. Grey

* * *

Callie and Arizona exit the elevator. They enter the attending lounge silently. Callie pours a cup of coffee while Arizona sits on the couch. Mark enters the room.

Mark: hey…

Callie: hey

Mark: how did it go?

Callie: like crap

Arizona: good

Mark: between crap and good I guess there's normal (he sits near Robbins)

Arizona: it's just that she always feels accused when people do questions.

Callie: no, I feel attached when the person interviewing us, who should decide if we could adopt a baby and basically affect our whole life, asks me why I got married to a man

Mark: that was a youth mistake…

Arizona: it was the past, Callie. He just wanted to make sure we were convinced of the choice we're going to make.

Callie: yeah… yeah… (she sits near them and Mark pats her thigh) How did the day go?

Mark: you chose a good day to ask off. We had a school bus crash.

Arizona: oh my God… why didn't you call?

Mark: we could manage it. There were some tough case but the chief told me everyone is going to be fine. But the drunk, drugged driver.

Callie: Is he dead?

Mark: no, Hunt broke his nose with a right fist.

Arizona: he's my hero today

Callie: the chief won't be so admired though. And it looks to me our males got really wrathful lately…

Mark: we're not wrathful. You make us sound like dogs. But sometimes men have to use force. They go back to be men.

Callie: really hot… So you practiced to be the good daddy?

Mark: you'd be proud of me

Arizona: what do you mean?

Mark: I stitched up a boy, I comforted him. And he gave me a pet on the cheek. Am I promoted?

Arizona: completely. And we will be too.

* * *

Richard, Avery and Bailey are in the corridors.

Bailey: the day started bad but it is going to end good. Is Brad's patient good?

Richard: yeah. Grey sent me a message. He had to consult Sheperd…

Bailey: what?

Richard: maybe they can work together after all

Bailey: maybe he is just trying to sweeten you all (Richard rolls his eyes and they arrive in front of Henry's room. They stop and Bailey looks at Webber). Do we all agree then?

Richard: yeah. Two against one (Bailey smiles and makes a step forward) My presence is needed downstairs.

Bailey: what for? What is there more important than that? (she points to the room)

Richard: a possible lawsuit to avoid. I gave you my ok (Bailey sets her hands on her hips narrowing her eyes at him). I agreed with your recovery plan… you can do this by yourselves. See you later (Richard walks away and Bailey and Avery enter the room)

Bailey: good evening… I'm sorry you had to wait the whole day. We had a very testing day

Finn: we heard…

Bailey: anyway… I know dr. Brad cleared you this morning and I also knew that dr. Avery said you could possibly go home tonight

Henry: yeah

Bailey: but I'd feel more comfortable if you stayed here some more day (Henry's face relaxes, Avery winks, Fin stands up worried). You don't need to worry though. It's just that recovery is a little bit complicated, we have to make periodical tests, we have to remove stitches. You should come here every two days. At this point it's better you just stay here.

Henry: ok (Finn looks at them all, a frown on his face)

Finn: what did he tell you?

Bailey: excuse me?

Finn: I appreciate your concern, dr. Bailey. But I'm not a moron. I've dealt with hospitals before and I've never seen a hospital which keeps you inside more than necessary. So two things can be happening here: either you're hiding me something or he told you I couldn't take care of him. Which one?

Bailey: mister…

Finn: which one?

Henry: Finn, stop it! It was the second, ok? But it's not like you think (the older guy closes his arms on his chest looking angrily at the little brother)

Finn: oh but you'll tell me what's like, right? I have been taking care of you from years now, I'm your brother, your mother, your father…. Everything. I know I'm not the best but I try, Henry, I try.

Henry: I know and that's why…

Finn: what? You prefer a fancy room rather than staying home with me? Good… Enjoy your little holiday (he takes his coat and storms out of the room)

Henry: Finn! Finn!

Bailey: just stay here and calm down, I'm going to talk to him (Bailey goes out and follows the guy, he sees him opening the door to the stairs, she opens it too and sees him running down). Finn! Stop, please (the guy stops and looks up, he kicks the air and then sits on a step raking his hair. Bailey joins him and sits too)

Finn: sometimes I really don't know what to do with him. I should give him space and be his mate in jokes and experiences but… I'm scared. I'm scared something can happen to him. I know I must be a pain in the ass for him… but I hoped he got that I do everything for him.

Bailey: he knows. There was a big misunderstanding upstairs.

Finn: what do you mean?

Bailey: do you work?

Finn: yeah… I've found a good job some months ago (his features change in understanding) Oh crap…

Bailey: the only reason he doesn't want to come home is that he sees all the sacrifices you do for him, he sees what you're giving up to be there for him. He didn't want you to lose your job. He well remembers your schedules before, your tiredness. Henry doesn't want to be the reason you lose something you care for, he doesn't want to be a burden for you. And he cares of you as much as you care of him. You're an extraordinary couple of guys… the both of you. And I guess your parents are very proud of you from up there (Finn wipes some tear away and stands up, he helps Bailey standing up too). Will you help me up there too? I never do stairs…

* * *

All the doctors and residents are out of mr. Fowler's room. They all look through the glass to Webber who is talking to the guy.

Mark: what the hell were you thinking to punch a patient?

Callie: probably the same thing you were thinking when you punched Percy (Reed and Avery share an embarrassed look)

Meredith: he punched who?

Avery: uhm… Percy… Charles Percy…

Meredith: you have never told why he got fired (everybody looks down and Meredith stares at them all)

Cristina: I'll tell you, ok?

Meredith: thank you

Owen: I wasn't thinking anything. He was beating the crap out of a guard and nobody was doing anything to stop him.

Cristina: so you lent your right hand to justice… Really smart

Mark: the chief wasn't so pissed from a while…

Callie: he was this pissed even when Sheperd knocked you down on your first day here (Meredith giggles)

Mark: that was our explanation. And he didn't knock me down. I let him.

Lexie: not to talk about the second round on the catwalk

Brad: do you often use hands down here?

Mark: more often than you think. Watch out (Brad looks worried but finally Mark smiles)

Cristina: do you think he'll sue you?

Arizona: that would be gross. That man was drunk and caused an accident. He then came here to yell at everyone and almost killed a guard. The guard will sue him.

Meredith: the chief is coming out (they all pretend to be doing something else. Richard frowns seeing them all. He gets closer to Cristina and Owen)

Cristina: so?

Richard: I've almost convinced him not to sue you.

Cristina: almost?

Richard: he wants your apology

Owen: what?

Cristina: he can do that

Owen: what? (Cristina starts to push him towards the room) Cristina…

Cristina: go in there and say a fake apology. You don't want this on your service status, right? (Owen swallows and then opens the door, his eyes settle immediately on the man lying on the bed. He closes the blinds realizing everybody's looking in and steps close to the bed. Fowler opens his eyes)

Fowler: doctor… I was expecting the bastard who did this to me, not you (Owen's face hardens)

Owen: I did this to you (the man's face paints of surprise) and you're so full of every crap you swallowed that you don't even remember. Dr. Webber wants me to come down here and apologize to you, and I want to make something... quite clear. I feel good about what I did. I wanted to do it since I've realized you were drunk. And then I reviewed the security tape and I easily prevented you to hurt more people. Finally ten kids were not enough for you, you also put a man on the critical list. You were violent and abusive in front of dozens of witnesses and I will stand up in any court of law and say just that. I do not apologize for things I feel good about and I feel good about this. So... if you want to sue, you sue. And good luck with your recovery (he storms out of the room and the others approach him)

Cristina: how did it go?

Owen: good (Cristina smiles) I told him loud and clear he's a crawling jerk (Cristina's face becomes a mask of disbelief, Mark giggles and pats his shoulder)

Mark: our manly Hunt…

* * *

Cristina and Meredith are sitting in front of the doors waiting for Hunt.

Meredith: did you know that he invited us for dinner?

Cristina: no… but it's good Derek accepted…

Meredith: yeah… I hope, at least (she takes her cell and starts to type a message) So… will you tell me about Percy? (her eyes meet Cristina's) It took me some times to realize he was gone… he was probably fired the days Derek got hurt and… Avery and Reed have always been airy about it… (Meredith sees Cristina's doubts) What? (the silence stretches) Oh my God…

Cristina: what?

Meredith: was he implicated too?

Cristina: no… no… (Meredith breaths out) He just said a very stupid thing and Torres fired him

Meredith: Torres?

Cristina: ok… Torres was leading the hospital during Derek's first surgery. She was babysitting Sloan and they had a case. They entered the visit room Derek was first visited and Percy made a very stupid remark… something about the beauty of having fresh corpses every day and Sloan snapped, he punched him. And then Torres fired him.

Meredith: did he really say he would practice on my husband's dead body?

Cristina: no… to his justification, he didn't know the patient was Derek but… I guess we were all on the brink. And since I saw Derek… I don't say these things anymore.

Meredith: a lot of things changed… a lot of lives too

Cristina: yeah… I just hope that my stupid boyfriend didn't jeopardize his career today

Meredith: for a punch? Don't be stupid, Cristina. Everybody likes Owen

Cristina: even you?

Meredith: he's not that bad…

Cristina: thank you

Meredith: you're welcome… (they giggle) You know… I felt different today… in the ER… Seeing all those kids…

Cristina: it's always difficult when there are babies

Meredith: I know…. But I thought… that could be me… in some years. I could say hi to my kid one morning not knowing the driver is rotten drunk.

Cristina: it won't happen to you

Meredith: why not?

Cristina: first, with all the money Derek earns, my goddaughter will have a private car with a private, referenced driver.

Meredith: really?

Cristina: second… Mc Peanut will be a responsible kid. If she sees the driver is drunk, she'll take control of the bus and save all the others (Meredith bursts out laughing and lightly caresses her belly)

Meredith: did you hear, Baby? Uncle Cristina and I think you're going to be a very responsible and good kid. You'll never give me and your daddy scares like this

Cristina: that's for sure (she sees Hunt approaching). Let's go. We have to stop to the market to get some food. Your pregnant you can't eat frozen crap

Meredith: I miss frozen crap… (Cristina pats Mer's shoulder)

Cristina: four months to go, hold on. I promise I'll take you pizza and tequila after McPeanut is born.

* * *

Richard is wearing his coat, the door of his office opens and Teddy appears already in her street clothes.

Teddy: chief…

Richard: dr. Altman… I got your message but I was busy.

Teddy: I know. But Mr. Burton is waiting for me in his room and I wanted to talk to you before going to brief him (Richard breaths out and sits down). Please, tell me you have figured out something…

Richard: I haven't any wand, dr. Altman. I've done whatever I could, I've called all the people I know in insurances, anyone will give Henry Burton one more dollar of medical care.

Teddy: why did you put me on the case then? Why to put him through this calvary of labs and exams?

Richard: I wanted to gain one more day to try everything (he takes a paper from a file). The Board has officially denied me any room today. Tomorrow we're going to let him go.

Teddy: no…

Richard: dr. Altman… I assure you I made all that was possible.

Teddy: why don't you suggest a pro bono?

Richard: as we're talking about many surgeries… You've read the file. That man has a medical draw in continual evolution. Bad evolution unfortunately. I can't say what's going to happen in two days.

Teddy: why don't you just start with the pancreas?

Richard: if we start, we'll punt in progress a machine and a set of consequences which won't be stopped. One surgery implies more… That's why everyone is backing off.

Teddy: I don't want to back off

Richard: I'm sorry dr. Altman (he stands up and walks around the desk). Tomorrow we'll dismiss Henry Burton, there's nothing else we can do for him (he walks out of the room leaving her there. Teddy rubs her eyes tiredly, she then walks out. She proceeds down the hallway and takes Henry's chart from the nurses station, she enters his room)

Henry: hey

Teddy: good evening. How did the day go?

Henry: good. Your doctor got me through all the possible tests and labs (Teddy smiles to him writing on his chart). I'm happy it's going to be you.

Teddy: I'm sorry?

Henry: you're here to tell me your hospital won't take charge of my situation, aren't you? (Teddy's smile disappears). Don't be sad… I know the drill. Do I have to pack now?

Teddy: no. You can stay till tomorrow…

Henry: thank you

Teddy: don't do that…

Henry: what?

Teddy: don't thank me as I did something for you… I didn't…

Henry: I hope you couldn't…

Teddy: do you think this makes a difference?

Henry: it does for me… It really does… I have been living in hospitals for two years… almost three. A lot of people snorted to see my face. Doctors, nurses… It hurts, you know? I know I'm a patient, I know I'm going to die. I didn't choose it though. And I don't feel ashamed as I want to live. I came in there, you made all the inquiries you could, everybody was kind and caring. It's not you who decides the sanitary policy of this country. You tried, we lost. Goodbye, dr. Altman (Teddy takes his chart and leaves, Henry settles under the covers. Teddy stops out of the room and looks inside, she goes back and sits on the bed). I don't need you to hold my hand…

Teddy: I know… but… (she smiles shyly to him and he looks at her puzzled) would you take my hand?

Henry: excuse me?

Teddy: marry me

Henry: what? I know I'm good looking and surprisingly funny but…

Teddy: marry me. You need an insurance and I have one. Just marry me

* * *

_Sometimes instincts scream in our behalf._

_Words come out before we can stop them_

_It's like a force of nature_

* * *

Cristina and Meredith are sitting at the table drinking some water. Derek and Owen are at the counter to prepare their dinner.

Cristina: is that steak ready or are they going to burn it?

Meredith: my husband just got through the second day of a trial who is making him a living a wreck and you husband…

Cristina: not yet husband…

Meredith: boyfriend punched a patient… I guess we have worse problems than a steak (she takes a chip and sets it in her mouth)

Cristina: this is a relaxing dinner. Just relax (Derek is mixing the vegetables in the pot and Owen is piercing the meat on the grill)

Owen: it's ready

Derek: I'm done too (they take the pots off the fire and walk to the table)

Owen: make room, please

Cristina: that's not a problem… Meredith ate everything was on the table (Meredith pouts, Derek sits near her smiling. Owen sets the steaks on their dishes)

Derek: I heard the was a bus crash today

Cristina: Meredith spilled everything, uhm?

Derek: actually… I heard it on the radio. They said the driver was high

Owen: high is nothing. He was out stoned. We had to protect him from enraged parents.

Cristina: what a loss of energy… They had to protect him from you (Derek eyes them and Owen looks at Cristina)

Owen: I'm not going to apologize for what I did.

Meredith: ok… let's drop it, ok? Relaxing dinner, remember? (they eat for some second in silence) I think we should start to talk about the baby's name

Derek: I have been thinking about it… a lot

Meredith: have you?

Derek: yeah… I have already written my list…

Meredith: list?

Derek: five female names and five male names… We'll confront our choices and pick up one.

Cristina: I don't get it… Why for the both sexes? You'll know next week…

Meredith: no… we had decided not to know the sex…

Cristina: I don't agree

Meredith: what?

Cristina: I don't agree. I want to know it

Owen: I don't think you get a voice in this

Cristina: I have to. I'm going to be a Godmother… I want to know the sex of my… kid. It's the only kid I'll ever have (Owen's face becomes a mask and Meredith gets the uneasiness of the situation)

* * *

_Mother instinct…_

_They say we all have it inside of us._

_I thought it was crap an year ago._

_I liked babies but… having one…_

* * *

Meredith: don't cry on your ass. I could have more babies and you can have one on your own

Cristina: on the first point you're right… I guess it's the first of a full truck. But as it concerns me… I won't. Today I lost every doubt… I'll never be a mum (Derek looks worried at Owen, a thick silence fills the room)

Meredith: ouch (Derek comes out of his haze and sees Meredith has a little cut on her finger, it's bleeding)

Cristina: what are trying to do? Disable yourself?

Owen: I'm going to take a band aid (Cristina takes a towel and presses it on Meredith's finger. Owen comes back and sets the treatment on Meredith's hand)

Meredith: thank you… It's nothing (she finishes her steak)

Cristina: I go and take the cake (she stands up)

Derek: do you mind if I go outside for two minutes? (he stands up and leaves, Owen excuses himself and goes too)

Meredith: did he know?

Cristina: what?

Meredith: did Owen know that you don't want kids?

Cristina: I have mentioned it a couple of times…

Meredith: well… it didn't look to me like he knew…

Cristina: don't worry about me. Worry about the fact that your neuro husband can't stand the sight of blood anymore

* * *

_Now it feels like the most natural thing in the world._

* * *

Derek is leaning at the balcony looking down. Owen arrives and brings him a glass of water.

Derek: thank you

Owen: are you ok? (Derek looks at him and breaths out) You're really pale…

Derek: I'm just tired … (he shakes his head and Owen smiles to him) And you?

Owen: I'm good

Derek: it looked like Cristina knocked you down with that sentence… (Derek looks at him puzzled)

Owen: Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to make her someone she'll never be.

Derek: you're just trying to live your life with the woman you love. You shouldn't feel bad if you want kids with her.

Owen: I know… I wonder if I should feel bad as she doesn't want them with me (he breaths out looking down) What's on top of the list?

Derek: surprise… (they share a smile) Don't beat yourself too much. Even Meredith didn't want kids… we're here

Owen: so I should hope…

Derek: there's always hope…

Owen: Hope will be the name of my first daughter

Derek: cheers

* * *

_It came like a wave and rolled over me._

_So don't look for it… it will come to you when it's time._

_And when it's meant to be._


	36. WORDS AND SILENCES

Hey... I know it took a lot, but Christmas holidays and the kids at home it was impossible to write.

I'm still in this story though and I hope you're too.

I brought back a character I created and I grew to love.

I expect a lot of reviews! Have a nice reading...

* * *

_There are a lot of people who think that words can kill._

_They can destroy everything you've ever believed in. _

_They can hurt more than physical wounds._

_At least… someone say they do._

_And then you experience silence_

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are walking out of the locker room. Meredith is adjusting her hair in a ponytail.

Cristina: relax, Meredith. You know men are avoiders.

Meredith: Derek is not one. At least… he wasn't. He used to drag me into conversations and hovering stuff…

Cristina: because it was about you. Now it's about his ass and he's avoiding.

Meredith: and what am I supposed to do? Let him moping in his trailer again?

Cristina: He is not moping. He'll be somewhere in the woods fishing and doing the outdoor man. And then the party we had yesterday was so fun… Why don't we have another one tonight?

Meredith: so that you can avoid Owen? No thanks…

Cristina: come on… And I'm not avoiding him.

Meredith: so you talked about the no kids issue?

Cristina: no.

Meredith: you see?

Cristina: he went nuts with Teddy's marriage and lost focus on the topic. I guess it's not that important to him.

Meredith: his face said differently last week. I guess he's just planning how to start the conversation.

Cristina: and I'll wait. Patience is a great value.

Meredith: when you take advantage from it. You fear the conversation and you wait for Hunt to raise it. I just can't let Derek alone for so long.

Cristina: he wasn't alone (Meredith eyes her and Cristina snorts). Well he was but just as you were stuck here all the time. You had a 36 hours shift and he preferred to stay in the woods rather than home with Alex and Lexie and anyone else who's living there. I would have packed myself. But tomorrow his leave is over and he'll be back here (they stop in front of the nurses station and Cristina rubs Meredith's shoulders).

Meredith: I don't know (she breaths out and Brad passes in front of them. He sends them a smile walking away)

Cristina: He's going to be fine, Mer. He'll go in rehab and start talking to the shrink and Owen will stop talking nonsense about diapers and cribs. We are surgeons… not human incubators (Meredith grimaces and rubs her belly quickly)

Meredith: just talk for yourself

* * *

Dr. Wyatt is sitting at her desk, her glasses on her nose, she's sipping a coffee lazily when someone knocks to her door.

Wyatt: come in (the door opens and Derek appears on the doorframe)

Derek: good morning

Wyatt: dr. Sheperd (Derek swallows, dr. Wyatt's lips stretch in a smile), what do I owe the pleasure?

Derek: can I come in?

Wyatt: sure, sorry (Derek closes the door behind his back). I lose touch of reality when I drink this (she shows him her paper cup and drinks the content). It's cappuccino… nothing else… Please… take a sit (Derek sits uncomfortably on her couch raking his hair). I had lost any hope to see you…

Derek: I had to come first, I know. I have just taken some time off… everything.

Wyatt: everything is a lot of stuff to run from.

Derek: I was not running (dr. Wyatt's eyebrows arch in question and Derek looks away)

Wyatt: technically taking some day off is going away. Hoping problems will solve by themselves. But… surprise… when you come back they're right where you left them

Derek: don't I know it…. (he shrugs his eyes and silence stretches in the room, dr. Wyatt stands up and goes sitting in front of Derek)

Dr. Wyatt: Derek… (he looks up meeting her eyes and she smiles) do you remember what I told you in your room last time we met? (he nods) I'm not going to chase you anymore. I'm not going to let you lead these sessions like you want anymore. This is my den, I'm the expert here. If you want to be my patient, you have to do it my way from now on. Do you think you can do this? (Derek is about to speak but she silences him raising a hand) Just don't tell me you have no other choice as you have. You can go away without looking back and manage stuff on your own. You can fool yourself around believing you've healed and go on with your life. You have no obligation to come here, not for me, not for the hospital. I can clear you for surgery if that's what you want. It's on you (Derek stands up and walks to the window, looking out)

Derek: I'm… I'm a victim of an attended murder. I'm full of nightmares and fears and stuff I didn't know. And I can't manage by myself. I need help (he turns around and dr. Wyatt is smiling at him). I may not like what you have in mind for me, I may not like to talk about my stuff but… I guess it's time.

Wyatt: later is better than never.

Derek: I hope you're right (dr. Wyatt walks to her desk and writes a little note)

Wyatt: come back tomorrow. I'll give you your schedule.

Derek: thank you (he nods to her and leaves)

* * *

Owen is in his labcoat waiting for the elevator. The doors open and he sees Teddy inside. She smiles widely to him and he reciprocates with a small grin. The doors close.

Teddy: good morning

Owen: hey (he avoids her stare and she gets suspicious)

Teddy: are you ok?

Owen: perfectly fine, thanks. And how is your husband?

Teddy: who?

Owen: your husband… remember… the guy you married at the city hall last week?

Teddy: oh, you mean Henry

Owen: it's the only husband you have… Isn't he?

Teddy: Owen… can you give it a cut please? (Owen rolls his eyes) He was a man who needed care and help. I have an insurance and I offered it up. There's no commitment between the two of us.

Owen: that's quite strange as you married him.

Teddy: it was the only way (they both snort). Look, I know it was fool… I get that. But it's not like I had closer perspectives right now. Andrew left and I'm alone. And I thought it was a good idea to make myself useful in some way.

Owen: you're a doctor, that's what you're useful for.

Teddy: well it was not enough. That guy didn't deserve to be sent home to die alone. I gave him one shot to fight. I couldn't do it as a surgeon but I could as citizen. That's it. I'm not going to hold his hand or read him the paper in the evening. It was arranged. I'm fine with it and he's too

Owen: right (the doors open and Richard steps in, he holds the doors) Chief…

Teddy: Chief…

Richard: could I talk to you, dr. Altman? (she looks at her clock)

Teddy: I'm going to run late for surgery. Can I catch up later with you in your office? (Richard swallows and both doctors can read discomfort on his face)

Richard: it's not about work. I filled your husband this morning about the different options of treatments.

Teddy: I don't understand…

Richard: he says he wants you there to give him an advice.

Teddy: excuse me?

Richard: I wait you in his room after your procedure. Three hours should be enough (he lets go of the doors going out, the elevator start to move up again. Owen just sends her a strict look but she silences him)

Teddy: just don't, please (she rubs her eyes tiredly)

* * *

Mark, Arizona and Callie are walking to a conference room.

Mark: I hate turn over days

Arizona: why? It's fun to work with other people sometimes.

Callie: it's boring… You need to repeat the basis all over again, to get who is front of you.

Mark: it's a loss of time.

Arizona: you liked it before…

Mark: I have always hated it

Arizona: not in your sex life (Callie bursts out laughing and Mark looks hurt). You used to change partner daily… repeat the basics all over again.

Mark: I was never repetitive in sex.

Arizona: just because you didn't get a shot at it. Once and then… bye bye baby (Mark giggles)

Mark: it was my choice though… And you're wrong. I kept the good ones for longer (he sands a knowing glare to Callie but she ignores it). Anyway… you're the only one who shouldn't be bothered about turn over day. Anyone is going to pick you and the Gymn Squad.

Arizona: let's see (they enter the conference room where all the residents and the other attending are already in. Richard is there too. Everybody sits down. Brad lingers on Meredith and Mark pats his shoulder)

Brad: what?

Mark: I know you're new here, but the chief is over there (Callie giggles and Richard sends a scolding look to all of them)

Richard: good morning everyone. This is a very important day. It's the first turn over day. I know anyone of you has chosen a specialty, from the reports I get all the attending are satisfied by your doing. But this doesn't mean you have to let go of others branches. Being flexible in the OR is one of the main qualities a surgeon must have; to do that, you need to exercise periodically on procedures and routine which does not belong to your background daily. So today, any of you will work in its field.

Cristina: come on… I had a surgery in ten minutes with Altman (she whispers to the other residents)

Alex: I thought she was in honey moon

Meredith: shut up, the all of you

Richard: I will be generous though. I will let you choose who to work with (he looks at his folder) starting from doctor Karev (he raises his eyes to meet Alex's and Mark elbows Arizona)

Mark: look at my boy… he's the best and he has the first choice (he smirks wickedly and Arizona rolls her eyes)

Alex: well… I… I Know this will sound odd but… I'd like to smell the air of Pediatrics and OBG … if that's ok (Arizona turns to look triumphantly to Mark who is bewildered)

Arizona: it's more than ok. Dr. Fields and I will be glad to work with you, dr. Karev.

Richard: good… dr. Yang?

Cristina: well… since I have been preparing dr. Altman's today surgery for a week I thought that maybe I could be relieved from this thing… (Richard smiles at her and Cristina gets her hopes up, smiling back)

Richard: no, you're not, dr. Yang (her smiles falls). So? What do you want to practice your talent with today?

Cristina: I could pick neuro (her words are growl and Owen hides the grin painted on his face)

Richard: good. Dr. Grey?

Meredith: I'd like to work with dr. Bailey

Richard: Adamson?

Reed: ortho

Richard: Avery?

Avery: plastics

Richard: okay…everybody has a schedule. Have a nice day and remember your performances will go in your rankings so… it's not a holiday. You're free to go.

* * *

Bailey is sitting at the cafeteria with a hot dark coffee in front of her. She feels a presence and looks up. Ben sits in front of her.

Ben: good morning.

Bailey: morning (she picks up her coffee and drinks it, she stands up). I'm sorry but I need to go (he takes her hand restraining her)

Ben: Miranda…

Bailey: look, it's the first turn over day and I can't be late.

Ben: but you've been avoiding me for a week now. Don't you think I deserve an explanation?

Bailey: you're acting childish

Ben: no. I'm just a man who is being left behind by his girlfriend without a reason. And you don't even look at me (Bailey's eyes wander in the room and then settle on him. Ben can read sadness and discomfort, his face relaxes a bit). I don't want to put further pressure on you, really. I just want to be here for you, lean on me. We're in this together… that's all I want to say.

Bailey: I know that and I thank you. But I need to work out this by myself.

Ben: what are you talking about?

Bailey: Ben… really… I can't have this conversation now. I'll see you later, ok? (she leaves and Ben breaths out)

* * *

The residents are in front of the nurses station waiting for the attendings.

Cristina: GYM squad, Alex? The lack of sex is really affecting your choice… (Meredith giggles)

Alex: really funny. I have spent a lot of time there before and I didn't want to stress me out with new procedures.

Meredith: plus I heard you laid your eyes on the new OBG girl… Lucy Fields… isn't that her name? (Avery pats Alex's shoulder)

Avery: smart ass… you used the turn over day to have a date from the hot girl…

Alex: I'm not.

Cristina: like she's opening her legs for you… She sees so many vaginas in her day that she'll be sick at the idea of hers own.

Meredith: not to talk about the fact she really knows what she risks if she lets her guard down.

Alex: I guess you know it yourself (he looks meaningfully at her belly and Meredith pouts). Relax, Mer… I want to be readier if your water breaks at home and we are in alone.

Cristina: well in that case… I really hope you have an insurance on your miserable life. Sheperd will crack your neck if you lay your eyes on Meredith's… or even touch her…

Meredith: don't be stupid, Cristina. He knows someone will help me through my labor.

Cristina: not someone you know though. Would you feel comfortable if Alex stuck his hands in your vagina and next day helped you making coffee at home? (both Alex and Meredith grimace) You see… that's my point

Reed: do you think dr. Sheperd will assist to the birth?

Avery: why wouldn't he? I mean… he's a doctor… He's used to blood and everything…

Meredith: Avery…

Avery: what?

Meredith: I really don't want to think about blood and pain right now. And yes… I think Derek will be there. He has to be. I will be there, he has to be there too.

Cristina: and I'll too (Meredith smiles at her)

Meredith: thank you

Cristina: taking photos and recording everything

Meredith: just screw yourself! (she realizes all the attending are approaching and they get serious, everyone walks to the referent attending and they part)

* * *

Derek is sitting in his office, the light is off and just the lamp on his desk is on giving the room a white pale appearance, the table is covered in papers and documents and he's trying to make order. He hears a knock and looks up finding Richard on the door.

Richard: hey… I thought you would be back tomorrow (he approaches the table and Derek looks back to his folders)

Derek: you remember good. I was here and I've decided to take a look at my desk. Not a great idea as you can see (Richard chuckles and sits, he realizes Derek has a bad cold). I'm trying to adjust this stuff, I want to be ready tomorrow, not spending the whole day doing paperwork.

Richard: you could ask Brad to help you (Derek doesn't look up or answers and Richard looks at him worried). Derek, can I ask you something?

Derek: it depends…

Richard: you know that I hired Brad temporarily. His contract was to expire in two weeks. I renewed it for three more months and then he'll leave definitely. Is that a problem for you?

Derek: why would it be? I'm not used to discuss your decisions (Richard clears his throat and Derek looks up, a little grin on his face) not this kind of decision at least… if that's what you mean.

Richard: but you're still the Head of Neuro. Your opinion counts a lot.

Derek: He is a surgeon, you needed one. And Richard… I'm not the Head of anything right now (Richard is about to speak but Derek continues). I know what you're gonna say and I thank you for that. I'm grateful, Richard. I'm not cheapening what you're doing for me. But this doesn't take away my situation and the way I feel. I know I could have my whole life back if I just uttered a word to you, but it wouldn't be fair for you and the hospital. I'm not ready. Now I know for sure. The trial broke the bell I was living in. I'll try to build myself back. And today I did a huge step. I said it loud. And dr. Wyatt will set a schedule for me. And I'll even do physical rehab.

Richard: and stop building you house on your own? (Derek sinks in his chair looking at Richard) That would be asking too much, wouldn't it?

Derek: it's my outpour (he sneezes).

Richard: till you won't get sick. And you didn't answer my question about why you hate Brad.

Derek: it's nothing to do with work.

Richard: but there's something…

Derek: but you don't need to know. As you're the Chief. And you also care about me. And it's just one of the cases where mixing these two things can give you troubles. You'd lose your detachment. And you could kill him on my behalf.

Richard: so you assume I would pick your side?

Derek: you would. Like you always did (Richard smiles, a bit ashamed) Unless Meredith was in the picture, that's clear (Richard chuckles). We have never talked about this… You didn't approve our relationship at first… You set off my wish to become chief to protect her. Why did you change your mind? (Richard swallows and breaths out, he stands up)

Richard: I'll answer this one when you'll tell me about Brad

Derek: yeah (he sneezes again and Richard gets to the door frame)

Richard: take care of yourself. I know Bailey plans to cut you next week.

Derek: I'll never take that pleasure from her again (they smile to each other and Richard leaves)

* * *

Bailey is walking fast down the corridor and Meredith is trying to keep her pace.

Meredith: what have we got?

Bailey: Henry Burton, 38 . Multiple tumors and organ failing.

Meredith: dr. Altman's husband? (Bailey snorts keeping walking)

Bailey: now he has a medical insurance we can decide which procedures to put in act. He has a bad diabetes which needs to be treated. And that's where we're going (she arrives in front of the patient's room but stops seeing Richard inside). It looks like the chief is stealing our case (she waits outside the door, hands on her hips and Richard comes out) Dr. Webber… I thought we had agreed our schedule…

Richard: we did

Bailey: so why are you in my patient's room? (Richard gestures her to follow him and they walk some step away)

Richard: as he's refusing every care you have prospected him

Bailey: excuse me?

Richard: till he won't be able to talk to his wife and hear her opinion

Bailey: what? I thought she had just given him a covering insurance

Richard: she did

Bailey: why in hell does he want to wait?

Meredith: maybe… (Bailey turns to look at her, Meredith can see the hard stare she's receiving and her shoulders seem to become smaller) I mean… from what you say he's sick from years. And he's alone. I think it's normal he looks for support and some warmness.

Bailey: thank you for your opinion, dr. Grey (her pager beeps and she looks at it). Seeing we're not needed here anymore, we can go to the ER. We have some patients coming in.

Richard: do you need help?

Bailey: if you have nothing to do, you can come (Richard chuckles and they start to walk to the ER. Richard turns to look at Meredith)

Richard: I have just seen Derek

Meredith: is he here?

Richard: he was in his office trying to make order in papers and charts

Bailey: quite an impossible mission. I'll go and find him later, we need to plan his procedure

Meredith: what are you talking about?

Bailey: didn't he tell you?

Meredith: no.

Bailey: some stitches in his abdomen failed and herniated. We need to fix them or he'll have a bubble under his perfect abs. Nothing invasive, Grey. Don't worry (she pushes the door of the ER open and a nurse runs to her)

Nurse: your patient is in the visit room n. 3.

Bailey: thank you (they all go in and Meredith wears gloves, the paramedic is still in). What have we got?

Paramedic: woman, 25. She crushed her car against a pole. Multiple lacerations, trauma to the left side. Suspect of spleen rupture. She's in and out. 10 mg of morphine on the way here.

Bailey: thank you… Grey (she gestures Meredith to approach and Grey starts to touch the woman's abdomen)

Meredith: it's tensed. What's her name? (Bailey reeds the name on the chart)

Bailey: Susan Jackson

Meredith: Susan… Susan, can you hear me? (the woman's eyes flutter and then open, she looks confused)

Susan: where am I? Who are you?

Meredith: I'm doctor Grey and you're at SG. You had an accident… Do you remember?

Susan: no… (she looks agitated and starts to cry)

Meredith: stay calm. We're going to take care of you… Do you have someone you want us to call? Your parents… anyone…

Susan: I don't… I don't know… Who… (Meredith takes her hand and squeezes it, she turns to Bailey and Richard)

Meredith: she looks upset. I'd sedate her and run a CT asap.

Bailey: good, I call downstairs to be sure they have room for us right now (she picks up the phone and Meredith is filling an injection, she goes back to the patient)

Meredith: Susan… I'm going to give you something for the pain and then we'll run further exams, ok? (she nods and Meredith does the injection)

Susan: why do you keep calling me Susan? (Meredith looks at her in alert)

Meredith: that's the name on the chart… Did the paramedic misunderstand? (she takes the chart and reads it, she then looks back to the woman who is crying) Keep calm, please

Susan: I don't… I don't remember… Who am I? Oh my God… I don't… (Meredith takes her hand and squeezes it)

Meredith: hey… look at me… You have just had an accident and it's normal not to remember. Don't panic, ok

Bailey: the CT is ready

Meredith: let's go… (she starts to push the gurney out) and maybe we should call Brad for a neuro consult

Richard: I have already paged him

* * *

Arizona is with Alex in the pediatric area. She's reading a chart and Karev is leaning at the nurses station waiting for her.

Arizona: I was happily surprised you chose peds today (she smiles brightly at him and Alex shrugs). Dr. Sloan looked quite stunned instead.

Alex: he has no reason to be. I chose plastics. But I have also a past in peds and OBG. I like it here.

Arizona: good (she settles the chart on the desk and turns to look at him). And you're lucky, you know? As today we have a very interesting case. A new born with a rare malformation to a kidney.

Alex: so we'll run tests and draw the picture for the upcoming surgery?

Arizona: actually we'll do the surgery in the afternoon (she smiles to Alex and he smiles back). Anyway… Dr. Fields will fill you in now (Lucy arrives from the corridor). Lucy…

Lucy: hey Arizona (her eyes settle on Alex and her face hardens) Are you a kid to babysit today? (Alex is about to speak but Arizona does first)

Arizona: no. Today is the turn over day and dr. Karev chose to spend it with me (she smiles to Alex again). I plan to show him he chose his specialty wrong, remind him how much peds is hardcore (she bumps his hip with hers) and rocks.

Lucy: he doesn't look too excited though

Alex: maybe because you want to see me like that… like an ass who practices medicine just to fix boobs and bottoms.

Arizona: dr. Karev…

Lucy: and you're not?

Alex: maybe it's what I've chosen… but I've done lots else in my internship and I can do it well.

Lucy: finally… (she closes her chart and looks at him defiantly)

Alex: what?

Lucy: I was just testing your balls.

Alex: excuse me?

Lucy: I just wanted to check how much crap you'd take to humor me. Now I know you're not a lost puppy but a barking dog. Welcome on board dr. Karev… (she stretches her hand and Alex takes it), let's go to meet the patient's parents. It's going to be a long day.

* * *

Mark enters in the patient's room followed by Avery. The patient is a 23 years old in the room with her boyfriend.

Mark: Mrs. Vince

Boyfriend: not for so much again…

Tracy: Nick… (she hits him on the arm mockingly) I'm sorry dr. Sloan… my fiancé can't wait to change my name into Philips…

Mark: it's the male pride… Where is the wedding by the way?

Tracy: on 28 December, if this goes well…

Mark: you are a rare case, you know? All the people want to get married in spring and summer to enjoy the sun and the hot and the Caribbean sea.

Nick: we love the snow and the mountain instead.

Tracy: and the honey moon which is waiting for us. If you let me walk down that aisle on my 8 inch stilettos…

Mark: we'll do our best (he smiles and Tracy looks at Avery)

Tracy: and who's this new cute doctor?

Nick: Tracy…

Tracy: I'm getting married to the man I love but this doesn't mean I'll turn blind to good looking guys… (Avery and Mark chuckles)

Mark: he's dr. Avery (they all shake hands) and he's my assistant for the day

Tracy: and where is dr. Karev?

Mark: here in the hospital playing the little people doctor. He'll miss this.

Nick: and is he ready for the case? (he points to Avery)

Tracy: Nick… (he hits him on the arm again) I'm sorry, dr. Avery. He is just nervous, he hates hospitals. Of course he's ready, he is a doctor and a doctor can handle a lot of situations…

NicK: will he help also with this? (he takes the sheet covering Tracy and pulls it away from her feet revealing her fiancé's deformation. Three of her toes are fused together)

Avery: wow… I mean… I'm sorry

Tracy: don't be. Dr. Sloan is going to fix it, right?

Mark: yeah. With dr. Torres and Nelson we'll separate her toes today. Mrs. Vince going to be Philips has this malformation from the birth. She didn't feel the need to fix it before as it didn't affect her day life. She can walk, she can run, she can play every sport she wishes. But… she can't wear high shoes. And with the d-day… better m-day … coming… she wants to fix this.

Tracy: and wear a pair of hot ankle straps…

Mark: I've just picked up your last labs and they are good. I'll see at 14 in the OR. Is there anything else you want to know about the procedure?

Tracy: no. I went through the docs you gave me several times.

Mark: have you got the risks of it?

Tracy: yes. But they're nothing compared to the benefits

Mark: ok. Dr. Avery will have you sign all the forms later. See you in the afternoon (they go out and stop at the nurses station). So… are you happy with the case?

Avery: absolutely. A joint surgery is always interesting.

Mark: good (he signs the chart and closes it). Come with me… I'll show exactly how it will work out in there and what you're going to do.

Avery: me?

Mark: sure. Actors play, they don't watch. And you're the guest star today

* * *

Cristina is at the nurses station filling a chart. Owen approaches her smiling and sets a cup of coffee in front of her. She turns back and finds him.

Cristina: hey… thank you (she takes the cup and sips it)

Owen: so… how is the day going?

Cristina: like crap. I should be performing a procedure with Teddy. Instead I'm here stuck doing charts for Brad. Who is nowhere to be found. I don't know how Meredith can do this all the days.

Owen: maybe it's your punishment…

Cristina: what do you mean?

Owen: you chose neuro over me. I have to repeat it loud as I don't believe it. You chose neuro… and you hate neuro… over me. Do I have to read across the lines?

Cristina: it would sound gross I had chosen to spend the day with you.

Owen: why? You're not allowed to like trauma?

Cristina: that's not it. We have never chosen one the other in here. It would be stupid to start now.

Owen: so you're not avoiding me…

Cristina: why should I? (she lifts her eyes to meet his and immediately lower them again)

Owen: I…

Brad: good morning dr. Hunt (Brad comes out of thin air and sets a chart on the desk between Cristina and Owen, Hunt straightens up)

Owen: Brad…

Brad: do you need a consult or anything?

Owen: no, I was just having two words with dr. Yang…

Brad: ok… I hope it's something which can wait. We were paged for a consult by the chief.

Owen: of course… it was nothing important (he smiles briefly to Cristina and leaves. Brad and Cristina walk into the elevator, silence stretches between them)

Brad: you know…I find it pretty irritating…

Cristina: what, sir?

Brad: that all the residents here are sleeping with their attending (Cristina swallows without answering back). And what is worse… they can't keep their personal stuff outside these walls. You think you can do goo goo eyes everywhere. I hope you finished doing my charts (Cristina looks to the floor irritated without answering). I take it's a no?

Cristina: I did all the post ops you gave me and finished to update the charts of all your patients, sir (Brad looks at her and chuckles ironically)

Brad: well done. Dr. Bailey and the chief paged us for a consult. A woman involved in a car crash appears to suffer from amnesia. What do we do?

Cristina: we run an MRI to exclude damages to the brain. If there's no sign of injury, very likely it could be a post traumatic amnesia, it should solve by itself.

Brad: good (the elevator opens and they reach the CT control room. The area is really crowded as Bailey, the chief and Meredith are already there). Is there a party down here? (Richard's jaw tightens and Bailey spats at him)

Bailey: not now you're here. Dr. Grey… please go there and make sure the patient is calm and relaxed (Meredith nods and leaves the room)

Cristina: maybe I could help her…

Brad: don't worry. I know dr. Grey. She can have the patient in the CT without you.

Bailey: did you sleep fine, dr. Brad?

Brad: dreamily, thank you for your concern, dr. Bailey.

Bailey: I'm not concerned about your night activities which I hear are very intense. I'm just sorry you can't talk civilly to your co workers-

Richard: that's enough now. Brad behave and Bailey (he points to the screen) look at that

Bailey: the spleen is ruptured and the hemorrhage is huge. We need to take her straight in.

Brad: and my MRI?

Richard: just do it now and be quick

Brad: you heard dr. Yang? We have a quickie to make. Let's go (he goes out and Cristina rolls her eyes. Bailey is chewing without saying anything. Richard stands up)

Richard: I go to have OR2 prepared. See you there.

* * *

Teddy is in the OR during her surgery, the radio is on and she's working by herself. The doors open and Owen comes in.

Teddy: hey…

Owen: hey… How is it going?

Teddy: messy. I knew it would be difficult. I had planned this for long. But it turned out to be much more complicated. Cristina will bite her hands not to be here.

Owen: more than you think… (he approaches the table) I met her ten minutes ago. Out of foolishness she chose to spend the day with Brad and he is an ass to say it nicely.

Teddy: dr. Hunt… that's not good to say this. I could think you're jealous she chose him over you.

Owen: and I am. I'd never thought she'd go that far. Picking neuro… (Teddy giggles)

Teddy: I miss her, you know. After all these weeks doing my surgeries with her breathing on my neck… talking and criticizing… it's odd to be here without her knowing she's busy elsewhere (Owen chuckles)

Owen: she would be flattered to hear you say that.

Teddy: I know… (she takes a look at him quickly and notices something is on) Are you all right?

Owen: yeah…

Teddy: you're lying (he laughs but the sound is bitter)

Owen: I thank you but… it's nothing I want to talk about here

Teddy: ok… I'm sorry I disappointed you with the marriage thing.

Owen: it's not that Teddy… I am not disappointed. I'm just worried. You called me one morning to tell me to join you at the city hall. I thought you had some problem… I thought you were in jail for high speeding or drunk driving. I'd have never imagined to be your wedding witness.

Teddy: you were elegant though

Owen: Teddy…

Teddy: I was kidding. I know it was impulsive and senseless. But it won't do me any harm.

Owen: I hope so. Anyway… you know I'm mad and hedgehog but I'm here if you need anything.

Teddy: thank you. I really appreciate it.

Owen: have you talked to him?

Teddy: no. I scrubbed in this morning and never left the OR. And I even don't know if I will be able to stop this evening. Things got so complicated.

Owen: I can go if you want…

Teddy: I don't think it's a good idea Owen…

Owen: why not? If he wants a medical advice I can give him…

Teddy: I think he wants something else… (she meets Owen's eyes and breaths out). I think he just wants some human compassion… he wants to be heard by a friend…

Owen: well I'm your witness… am I not enough?

Teddy: you'd be perfect, Owen, you know that… But can you look at me in the eye and tell me you'd talk to him like he was me? Will you pretend you care about him as a man and not as a patient?

Owen: if it's important to you, I can (their eyes lock for a moment and Teddy nods) Ok then. Good luck with your surgery

Teddy: thank you (he leaves and Teddy calls him back) and Owen…

Owen: yeah?

Teddy: tell him I'll go to say hi if it's not too late (he nods and leaves)

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are pushing Susan's stretcher to the OR, they are in their scrubs and wearing already their scrub caps.

Meredith: I hope this day is going to end soon… I t was supposed to be a funny and easy day… Bailey won't talk to me…

Cristina: why?

Meredith: I don't know… She looks pissed or anything…

Cristina: you're lucky she won't talk to you. Brad does talk and I wished he wouldn't. I really don't know how you can stand him. He's an ass. And an arrogant. Not that you're not used to arrogance… Derek is the king of it…

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: Owen approached me while I was doing charts and McAss gave me a lecture about sleeping with my attending. He says it's a problem the two of us have in common.

Meredith: and why do you care? He's right after all. And Jealous. I heard some nurses whispering this morning… Apparently he's the new McWhore. He screws left and right.

Cristina: you broke his heart, Mer… That's on you (Meredith rolls her eyes and they arrive in the OR, Brad is there)

Brad: finally. I'll finish prep him. Go scrub in (Meredith and Cristina arrive in the scrub room and start to wash their hands. Richard arrives too)

Richard: everything is ready?

Meredith: almost, sir.

Richard: it looks like your day will end in neuro after all…

Meredith: just hypothetically… I don't want to take the fun from Cristina. That's her case, her bleeding.

Cristina: I can give it to her, dr. Webber. I can scrub out and look for something else…

Richard: nice try, dr. Yang. Let's go in there and show me what you've got (Meredith makes a face to her and they both enter the OR)

* * *

Derek is going out of his office, he turns the light off carrying his coat. He makes some step out of the room and bumps into someone.

Derek: sorry… I didn't… (he stops realizing who is the person in front of him) Peter?

Peter: hi Derek. Uhm… you don't look so happy to see me…

Derek: no… I am… really (he smiles to Peter). It's just a big surprise…

Peter: I meant it to be a surprise. Come here (he gestures to Derek to come closer and they share a quick hug)

Derek: are you here by yourself?

Peter: no… of course not. Amy guards me like a hawk. She stopped at Richard's to have some female gossip with Adele. And I thought to come here to see you.

Derek: well… you were lucky.

Peter: I see… Have you plans for the evening with your beautiful wife?

Derek: no. It's just my leave ends today. I was here to try to make some order in my papers.

Peter: and you're leaving already? You grew precise down here…

Derek: I didn't… and you know it (they share a smile and Peter pats his back)

Peter: that's my boy. I wonder if you and Meredith would like to join us for dinner… Richard and Adele, Amy and me…

Derek: why not? I mean… I have to ask Meredith as she's working and she could be tired but… I'd love it

Peter: good… and while we wait for your lady to give you the permission, there's something I want to show you (Derek's face is puzzled and Peter sets an arm around his shoulders) come on… Don't have me drag you around (he leads him to a conference room, Derek realizes there are some scans on the screen. Peter switches the light on) These are my last scans… two days actually (Derek goes closer and looks at them carefully)

Derek: they look clear

Peter: as they are… Why do you think I'm here? I finished antibiotics three days ago. I took a plane to go to Los Angeles to pay a visit to my son. But I insisted and blackmailed Amy: I wouldn't go if she hadn't accepted to stop here to say hi to you. And to show you this. So?

Derek: I'm afraid we're going to stand you for a long time…

Peter: I agree… and since you're done working… I'm offering you something to drink from your awfully healthy cafeteria. Let's go (they leave the room and arrive in front of the elevators. Peter pushes the button and realizes Derek is more tensed than before. The doors open and they go in. When the lift starts to go up, Peter realizes Derek is breathing heavily from his mouth. His eyes are closed and he leans against the wall). It's fine to be scared. I'm going to touch you, Derek (he approaches and sets both his hands on Derek's shoulders and rubs them). You had to tell me… we could wait for the other one.

Derek: I had never had problems to come in here.

Peter: we're almost on the floor (the elevator stops and the doors open. Derek walks fast out of the elevator and Peter strokes his back again)

Derek: I'm fine. But that drink would be perfect

Peter: ok… (they walk to the cafeteria and Derek sits in a table in a corner. Peter arrives some minutes later holding two coffees and a scotch). I didn't know if you meant metaphorically a drink or really. I took a coffee and this (Derek lifts the glass and drinks it in one go)

Derek: thank you.

Peter: ok… do you want another one?

Derek: and arrive drunk to our dinner? No… Amy and Adele still think I'm the good guy.

Peter: if I were your wife I would be pissed…

Derek: she knows they are inoffensive

Peter: oh, I know that too. But it must be frustrating to be with someone who's on the higher pedestal.

Derek: I guess it is, it's for me too. As far as I'm not that perfect anymore…

Peter : you know what's strange?

Derek: I feel a drop of wisdom coming…

Peter: people usually are die-hard with others and really generous to themselves. Why can you just give yourself a break? Allow to have weaknesses and fears and give out a little of the crap you got in these last months?

Derek: I'm trying to do it. But… How can we repair to the wrongs we did, Peter?

Peter: sometimes we can't. But I could be more helpful if you gave me a hint of what you're talking about.

Derek: I guess there are too many things… With my mum and my sisters… Mark and even Meredith.

Peter: you look so angelic and you messed up with all these people? (Derek takes a sip of his coffee) Or maybe… maybe you did something wrong. But you should even consider when you did these things and why. Time changes perspectives… it goes on and one day you look back and think your life was worthless, that you did more black than white. It's not true. Situations mess up with our nerves and head. Do you think I'd have ever let a patient talk to me like I talked to you when I wanted to back off from surgery? I'd have packed all his things and kicked him out. But that morning… I was sure it was the best solution I had. I wouldn't beat myself on that anymore. I was just lucky I had someone who got my head straight on focus. And I'm not that sure you had always someone who did that for you. Do you know what I think?

Derek: please… talk

Peter: you had to grow up too early and too fast. Responsibilities are not something you just put on your shoulders one morning. You need to learn how to handle them. Nobody gives you a manual… but time helps. And you hadn't (Derek is playing with his empty cup rolling it through his fingers, he looks down on the table and Peter drinks his coffee). How is it that we always end up making philosophy? (Derek chuckles)

Derek: I missed this…

Peter: what?

Derek: you and me talking. I know you were mad when I left.

Peter: why had I to be? You showed up in my office at 7 and resigned past recall. I guess one hour later you were already on the motorway. But it's fine. I was mad as I was disappointed to lose you. I thought I would eventually… Many hospitals had been knocking to your door for months and I was fighting with them. My guard was high. I just forgot to defense from Mark Sloan (Derek chuckles)

Derek: we were two (his phone beeps and he looks at it). Well… Meredith agrees at one condition…

Peter: which is?

Derek: I need to buy her something fancy to wear as apparently she won't fit in her ordinary clothes.

Peter: it's just a dinner with friends…

Derek: on the top of the Space Niddle… And she wants to be elegant… It's not we go out so often lately

Peter: vanity… women's favorite sin (they both laugh and Derek stands up)

Derek: I go then… We'll meet at the restaurant, ok?

Peter: sure

* * *

Lucy, Arizona and Alex are in the OR working on the baby.

Alex: wow…

Arizona: impressive… hum?

Lucy: I am still surprised how this didn't come out from the morphologic scan…

Alex: did they do it?

Lucy: yes. And I checked the results twice: the gynecologist marked the kidneys as absolutely normal at week 21.

Arizona: do you think he did a mistake?

Lucy: she… it was doctor Gennis who did it.

Arizona: your responsible?

Lucy: yes

Arizona: difficult position… Do you think you'll ask her?

Lucy: of course. It's not I blame her for anything, but I want to know if she is absolutely sure of what she reported.

Alex: like she would say she's not… (Arizona and Lucy look at him and he realizes as they both stop working). What? Do you really think she would admit a mistake like that?

Lucy: of course. Maybe you spent too much time in the pit fighting to get light. In OBG things work differently… Babies come before everything else.

Alex: if you say so

Lucy: I know so…

Arizona: anyway… let me know if you need help with this… I could write a report or something…

Lucy: ok… I'm done here

Arizona: ok, Karev… pull the graph and cross your fingers… Let's see how much it glows… (they stare at the little kidney and, after some second, it starts to become really pink). It worked! (the nurses and anesthetist clap their hands and Arizona elbows Alex smiling under her mask)

Alex: cool…

Arizona: only?

Alex: totally hardcore…

* * *

Callie, Avery, Reed, Nelson and Mark are in surgery.

Callie: dr. Adamson, handle me the saw please (Avery grimaces under his mask and Mark looks at him)

Mark: what, don't tell me you'll throw up?

Avery: no but… (Callie starts the saw and Avery winces) it's hard to believe what women can do for their looking…

Mark: welcome in plastics…

Avery: it's not that… I mean… Is a pair of shoes worth this? (he points to the fingers of the patient, whose bone are now severed)

Callie: it is… for me at least. If it helps her feeling more feminine

Avery: do you think she'll walk normally after this?

Nelson: why not? After dr. Torres is done, I'll fix the nerves, stitch the tissue around the tendons. If we don't have problems and I'm pretty sure we won't, after a two months rehab she'll be perfectly fine (he talks straight and Mark looks at him stunned). What?

Mark: nothing… you look… different (Callie grins under her mask)

Nelson: why? Did you think just because everybody here calls me Shadow Sheperd I'm a moron who can't finish a procedure straight?

Mark: no… I'm… It just that you always sounded so nice and shy. You talked… confident now.

Nelson: as I am.

Mark: good

Callie: so… (she stretches her words picking up a clamp) do you like Brad? (Nelson looks around letting Callie notice he doesn't want to talk about this with two residents in the OR)

Nelson: he's good (Mark leans into his ear)

Mark: you went back to shy and nice Shadow Sheperd now…

Nelson: and you talked like inappropriate Sloan as usual instead (Mark straightens up looking at him stunned and Callie laughs)

Mark: I'm not inappropriate

Callie: oh yes, you are. But now… your presence is as appropriate as ever (she gives him a quick look and makes a step aside)

Mark: come here kid, let's show these people why we're here (he moves where Callie stood at touches the bone). What do you tell me Avery?

Avery: we need to make measures in order to understand if the skin we withdrew is enough to cover all fingers now they're apart.

Mark: good… do it (Avery lingers a moment and Mark prompts him) You're not in school trip… You're here to work and I'm a good occasional teacher, unlike Torres who didn't give Reed anything to do but listening to our good gossips and Nelson, who hasn't even a one day stand resident. Pick the damned instrument up (Avery takes the instrument and makes some move) So?

Avery: it looks enough

Mark: see? Appropriate measures… Appropriate Sloan… The patient is yours, dr. Nelson

Nelson: thank you (Callie is now laughing widely and everybody looks at her)

Callie: I'm sorry… but Mark… you're too funny to work seriously with. But… I'll try I promise (she breaths in and tries to stop laughing) Ok… I'll collect myself (she clears her throat while Nelson is working)

Nelson: when do you think you'll apply the skin?

Mark: in two-three days. The swelling needs to go down first.

Avery: will I assist to that too?

Mark: I don't know. It depends on what the chief says. At the moment I'll let you reduce scars and make stitches where dr. Nelson is done.

Nelson: it will take long though

Mark: I don't have plans for the evening.

Callie: anything?

Mark: Lexie went to visit her family. I'm single tonight.

Callie: me too. Do you want to go to Joe's to drink something?

Mark: why not… Will you come, Nelson?

Nelson: no, thank you. My wife is waiting for me for dinner.

Callie and Mark: are you married? (they sound really surprised and Nelson looks up at them)

Nelson: why? Do you think it's impossible?

Callie: no… I mean…

Mark: you never told us you had a family

Nelson: you've never asked. And it's not that you new comers used to talk to me much first… Anyway… I'm married for almost two months.

Mark: you're a newly wed?

Nelson: it's what I said. Are you numb that you always repeat what I say? (Callie chuckles and Mark looks down)

Mark: congratulations by the way

Nelson: thank you

* * *

Owen knocks to Henry's room. The man was reading a book and looks up, he smiles to Owen.

Henry: dr. Hunt…

Owen: it's Owen now (he points to his clothes and the lack of coat), I'm not here to visit you (he approaches and sits next to the bed raking his hair, Henry looks thoughtful)

Henry: can I do something for you?

Owen: no… actually… I came here to do something for you. Teddy is still in the OR and she told me you had some concerns about the treatments Webber proposed you. She asked me to explain you so… (he opens his arms and Henry swallows looking at him)

Henry: you don't need to do that…

Owen: I know, but Teddy is a friend and I…

Henry: I didn't mean that. I know you're a doctor and explaining treatments is part of your job. I meant you don't have to pretend that you like me. Or pretend that you approve this situation.

Owen: should I?

Henry: no. But it's done. And you think that I'm going to be a burden for Teddy… I don't want that.

Owen: the fact that you don't want doesn't mean that you won't. And it's not true that I don't like you. I don't know you. And now you're married with my best friend. And I'm here to make you company. And I don't know what to talk about as I don't know if you like football or baseball or hockey. I'd really like not to mention your health problems… I guess you're sick to hear about that, but…

Henry: Teddy is lucky to have a friend like you…

Owen: yeah… I'm not that sure. She always complains about everything.

Henry: I know. Yesterday she was pissed as it rained. And she had her laundry on the terrace.

Owen: she's a terrible housewife

Henry: you said that (they chuckle). Look… I like baseball… I was a pitcher at high school. I was pretty good but then I broke one knee playing and I gave up. Health was never on my side. My parents died young and I was raised by an old and churchy aunt. She died and my cousins kicked me out. So I moved from Chicago… I was born in Chicago… did I mention that?

Owen: no, you didn't

Henry: well… yeah… I'm an Illinois boy… I moved here as I worked for a ferry company. And then the disease hit me full track and I lost my job. That's it.

Owen: short story…

Henry: I could tell you more. But I don't want to force you to hear my sad stories. I won't ask you either about you as Teddy mentioned something about war and Iraq and I know that you soldiers don't talk much about your missions. Finally… you don't need to do that. It's not like we'll share dinners or dates together… I mean… Teddy and I and Cristina and you (Owen looks at him surprised). Cristina… right? Is that your girlfriend's name?

Owen: yes. Teddy told you…

Henry: we talked a bit. Just to break the ice before the wedding. I appreciate she asked you to come here but I get I was out of line to believe she would come in my room. Tomorrow I'll discuss my treatment with Webber… I don't want to steal you other spare time you should spend planning your marriage. Good night

Owen: good night (he stands up and arrives at the door, he turns around to see Henry has started reading again. He thrums his fingers on the doorframe and then comes back sitting)

Owen: try the surgery (Henry looks up at him in surprise)

Henry: what?

Owen: try the surgery. Treatments are lighter but finally you should have surgery anyway and your body would be weaker.

Henry: but dr. Webber said…

Owen: he said he wasn't sure about the surgery now. And you could have bad problems indeed. But it depends on what you want to do.

Henry: that's to say?

Owen: if you want to live longer but you accept you're dying… endure the treatments and medications. If you want to try to win the disease, choose surgery.

Henry: this said it would be easy to choose

Owen: but it's not. Your situation is really complicated. But if you want to be better, you need to choose one point to start from and walk down your path. You can't just lay here waiting for the illness to get worse. And it will. You have an insurance now. Take advantage of it (Owen stands up and turns to leave, he realizes Teddy is standing leaning on the door) Hey…

Teddy: hey (she smiles to him)

Owen: I came here to explain Henry his options… now you're here… I leave (he waves his hand to say hi to Henry and leaves)

Henry: Owen…

Owen: yeah?

Henry: thank you (Hunt nods and goes away, Teddy sits on the chair snorting). You're tired, you should go home.

Teddy: and I will. I just wanted to see if you needed anything.

Henry: no. I had dinner… soup and vegetables (Teddy grimaces in disgust), now I'm reading my book. I'm fine.

Teddy: did you decide what to do?

Henry: I think so (Teddy's face leans aside, she waits for an answer). I'm afraid your insurance will raise its price next year… I'd go for surgery if you agree.

Teddy: why should I not?

Henry: do you think I do good?

Teddy: yeah. You're a fighter. I was sure you're going to try.

Henry: how? You don't even know me…

Teddy: I do…a bit. You came here to have exams and get bad news. And you knew your insurance was done with you. But you wanted to know, you didn't avoid. And I was sure that if you're given the chance you'd fight. That's how I know you.

Henry: so I'm the fighting husband…

Teddy: yep… (they share a smile)

* * *

Bailey, Meredith, Richard, Brad and Cristina are in the OR. Brad and Cristina are working at the woman's head, Meredith and Bailey on her chest. In the patient's cavity there's a huge bleeding.

Meredith: holy crap…

Brad: dr. Grey… choose your language please or they'll think I don't teach you good manners.

Meredith: you're too late for that.

Brad: it's never too late

Bailey: clamp here Grey or it will be (Miranda and Meredith work frantically on the patient).

Richard: can you save some?

Bailey: Grey?

Meredith: no. It's pulp. She'll be lucky if she doesn't bleed out.

Brad: well… tell me if we can stop working… Yang is helpless and I had plans for the evening (everyone look at him bewildered)

Cristina: excuse me, sir?

Brad: don't worry. Your shift is going to be over in half an hour and you won't be stupid enough to choose neuro on the next turn over. Hold on…

Cristina: how do you…

Richard: dr. Yang… (Cristina stops speaking and looks back into the microscope, she breaths out loudly) I'm sure dr. Brad was just testing you. Am I wrong? (Brad giggles and Cristina is even more stunned)

Brad: you're right, chief. It's just that she's so self assured that I like to joke her around. And with all due respect, I think that this mixing is a time loss.

Cristina: well… think of working as a difference…

Richard: dr. Yang (Brad giggles)

Brad: no problem… fortunately I work and talk at the same time. The bleeding is almost under control. Now dr. Yang will cauterize the vessel and we'll be done and my plans for the evening will be safe.

Bailey: they must be juicy if you keep talking about them… (Richard rolls his eyes at her)

Brad: nothing special… just routine… dr. Yang… shine in neuro (he takes his hands off the operating field and Cristina starts to work, the OR is silent, there's just the beeping of the monitors and the noise of instruments. Ben clears his throat)

Ben: talking about evening plans… (Bailey burns him with her eyes and Meredith grins under her mask) is anyone here willing to join me for dinner? (Bailey looks frozen at him)

Cristina: I can't. It's the game's evening (Ben's eyes turn to Meredith)

Meredith: no… don't look at me. I'll go to a fancy restaurant with my husband. I'd really like to come with you though…

Ben: how is it?

Meredith: I had nothing to wear and I sent Derek in town to buy something. I guess I was too impulsive to give him a task like that.

Cristina: don't worry… Muslims shops close at 6. He won't find burka or something like that.

Meredith: ha ha… really nice. You'd like to sit with me and Derek under my Burka rather than sitting with your husband waiting for awkward conversations on the couch in front of Chinese fried food and a smelly Irish beer…

Cristina: you've got a point in everything but a little, small particular… It's my boyfriend… I'm not married anymore

Brad: something else the two of you have in common (he eyes Ben quickly). And no… I wouldn't be alone and I guess you don't want to play the third uncomfortable all evening long.

Ben: so dr. Bailey… I was thinking to bring…

Bailey: no (her voice is commanding and embarrassed at the same time)

Ben: excuse me?

Bailey: I said no

Ben: to me bringing up the quantity of anesthetic? Why so? (Brad giggles)

Richard: ok then… it was funny but now let's focus on this woman. Our plans can wait for later (silence falls in the OR again, after some seconds a cell rings) Whose cell is that? (a nurse approaches the table where the mobile is ringing and reads the ID)

Nurse: it appears to be yours, sir (Richard looks stunned at the woman)

Richard: and who would that be?

Nurse: I think your wife, sir (she shows the display to him. Richard backs away from the table and picks up the phone)

Richard: hallo? I was and still am in surgery… No, he told me. I don't know if I'll have time to get home before going. No… no Adele… Do we really have to talk about this now? Well don't! I have my suit in my office and it's perfectly fine. No, I won't… Look I don't care what the others will do. I have to go now. I'll call you later… (he hangs off and goes back to the table, muttering something under his breath)

Bailey: are your clothes ironed and presentable enough?

Richard: of course. I'll be impeccable.

Bailey: that won't be a surprise. Your style is chiefly …

Richard: I just don't get why women have always to turn informal dinners to defile. We're going out with friends and she's been preparing since midday.

Meredith: maybe it's because you don't take her out often… She wants to live the occasion… savour all moments, show her stuff.

Richard: my wife doesn't have stuff to show

Brad: I thought you were divorced…

Richard: I thought we were operating. And what is your deal with the marital status of everyone?

Brad: nothing… It's just it looks to mean something else down here

Cristina: it depends on what you want it to mean. I guess that off the market means the same everywhere. We're all off the market in here but you.

Brad: maybe… But things can change

Cristina: I wish you good luck

* * *

_Silence is not a break, it's not relaxing._

_It is the lack of everything._

_And we talk to let our words fill it, the unbearable nothing._

* * *

Alex is approaching the elevator to go home, he has changed into his street clothes. Waiting for the doors to open, he takes a glance to Lucy who is outside the chief's office. He smiles to her and then goes back waiting for the elevator.

Lucy: hey (he turns and sees she is next to him)

Alex: hi (he gestures to the office with his head). Waiting to deliver your success to the chief?

Lucy: no… Actually… you were right, you know. She denied everything. I checked on the scan and the kidney was already detectable. She says she didn't run the enquiry personally… that a lot of people have the habit to use her signature.

Alex: it's kind of pathetic

Lucy: and ethically immoral. But she just wants to save her ass. She doesn't care her mistake nearly killed an innocent baby. It's the first time this happens to me.

Alex: you're lucky. Medicine is a train of crap. And you don't want to be the last piece of the chain (they burst out laughing)

Lucy: impressive image…

Alex: it fits though

Lucy: yeah… would you… would you accept a drink for apology?

Alex: you don't need it

Lucy: I know. But I was arrogant and I acted superior. And you gave me the evidence I'm not. Plus I misjudged you. You did good today. So… will you drink something or not? (the elevator dings and the doors open)

Alex: maybe another time (he grins to her but Lucy's smile disappears. He enters the lift and pushes the button, the doors close and Lucy stays there staring at nothing)

* * *

_And I don't think we always choose the words we utter._

_Sometimes they just slip out…_

* * *

Mark is sitting at Joe's with Callie. They're laughing loudly, in front of them two cocktails.

Mark: there must something really wrong in this world is Shadow Sheperd tied the knot and I didn't yet

Callie: I was laughing on his face in the OR.

Mark: are you numb that you repeat what I say? (Mark talks in a falsetto and Callie laughs again. Someone sits on the stool near Mark, he turns around and sees Brad) Brad… ehi Joe… give this man a beer. On my bill

Brad: thank you

Mark: are you here by yourself?

Brad: just waiting for my date

Callie: have you a girlfriend in town, already?

Brad: I wouldn't define her a girlfriend (Callie makes a face surprised and Mark whispers into her ear letting Brad listen)

Mark. He took my heritage… he's the new man whore

Callie: are you?

Brad: just having some fun waiting for the love of my life

Callie: this sounds really bad, you know?

Brad: bad or good, it's what I'm doing. And you? Where is your half?

Callie: just off surgery. She's coming (Brad takes a look around the bar)

Brad: cute place. Do you always come here?

Mark: more or less. We came more before.

Callie: he and Sheperd almost lived here (she laughs) Do you remember when Erica thought the two of you were a couple? (she laughs again)

Mark: poor woman. She was really delusional and confused (he looks at his clock) Lexie is late…

Brad: so you all have relationships with colleges, residents and interns…

Callie: we all looked elsewhere but finally… a surgeon can end up only with another surgeon

Brad: I would have a lot of things to say against that but… (he stands up) I'm running late. Have a nice evening and it's on me, next round… (he leaves and Callie follows him with her eyes)

Callie: I heard nurses say he's really an ass.

Mark: he's single and he's enjoying the white coat and the appeal of the doctor.

Callie: I don't know… it doesn't look to me he's a sex addict

Mark: what?

Callie: I don't know how to explain it… Everybody knew you did it for the sex… you couldn't stay without… Brad… he gives the impression he's following a plot. He hits one target and then move to another. And he won't spare married or engaged women.

Mark: did he hit on you too?

Callie: of course not

Mark: good. And he's better not to hit on Lexie or I'll kill him

Callie: don't worry. There must be an empathy man whore to man whore.

* * *

_When we fear we'd say something stupid, we let actions talk for us._

* * *

Cristina and Owen are lying on the couch under a blanket. They are eating while watching the tv.

Cristina: no…no… come on! The quarterback was free… He had to launch before…

Owen: he was pressed by the opposite….

Cristina: he lost time… Look! It seems he was looking for his mom in the crowd

Owen: it's impossible to look at the game with you!

Cristina: oh whatever… (he kisses her on the temple)

Owen: how did the day go?

Cristina: awful. I hate neuro, Brad sucks and I lost my surgery with Teddy. I just need to stay here with you, watch the game, eat crap and later… some hot, dirty sex (she turns around and kisses Owen on the lips, when they part she licks his lips archly, their eyes lock for a moment)

Owen: I wanted to talk to you about… (she turns around and stands up, Owen stops talking)

Cristina: but before sex I need a beer… Do you want one? (she goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge, she starts rummaging inside while Owen strokes his eyes tiredly) So?

Owen: what?

Cristina: do you want one or not?

Owen: no, I'm good and… (he picks up his glass, the remaining of red wine still in) I don't want to mix the flavors (Cristina drinks a sip of beer and leaves the can on the counter)

Cristina: you don't want to mix flavors, uhm? (she takes off her shirt and throws it to the ground)

Owen: what are you doing? (she walks towards him grinning)

Cristina: sweet after salty (she jumps on the couch attacking his lips and closing her legs around his sides)

* * *

_We use actions as diversions_

* * *

Derek, Meredith, Richard, Adele, Peter and Amy are sitting at their tables. The dishes in front of them are empty with the exception of Derek's. Meredith is fishing in his plate with her fork.

Amy: are you ok, Derek? You didn't eat that much.

Derek: I was not that hungry (he rubs his stomach while Meredith bites some of his fish)

Meredith: he's just trying to make me feel fatter and greedier than I am (he sneezes and a little grimace paints his face, he touches his chest). You ok?

Derek: totally… And you don't need to feel guilty as you eat all my stuff (as she manages with the fork Adele notices her ring and takes her hand)

Adele: my God, Meredith… It's beautiful…

Meredith: thank you (Adele elbows Richard)

Adele: you see? Derek can choose jewels, unlike you (they all laugh and Richard drinks from his glass. The smile on Meredith's face fades immediately and her eyes meet Richard's)

Derek: to come to Richard's defense I have to admit I did nothing. It was my mother's engagement ring.

Adele: and she gave it to you? (she narrows her eyes and Meredith smiles to Derek)

Derek: my mum loves Meredith. Not as much as I do, but she loves her (he turns her face to him and kisses her. Adele and Amy sigh and the men roll their eyes)

Peter: ok guys… end of playtime (a waitress join the table). It's dessert time (Derek and Meredith part)

Derek: not for me. I'm sweet enough (he sneezes again) While you increase your sugar level, I go out to breathe some fresh air. If you excuse me (he kisses Meredith on the forehead and stands up leaving)

Richard: for me a fruit salad

Amy: two

Adele: nothing for me

Meredith: and for me a cheese cake with cream (they give the list back and the waitress goes away). I had a tough day.

Adele: so this despot is wearing you out even if you're pregnant… (she eyes Richard scolding him)

Richard: it wasn't my fault.

Adele: that would be a news… (Richard rolls his eyes at her and Meredith giggles)

Meredith: he's right. The OR was full of people and everyone was in the mood to bitch around.

Richard: and Brad won the race with Yang...

Amy: that man can get on nerves as nobody else.

Richard: I agree with you. But he got what he deserved today (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: I thought I could die in surgery… Better… I thought Cristina would stick a scalpel in his heart.

Amy: like he had one

Peter: darling…

Amy: why? You hated him… (Peter leans in her ear)

Peter: it's not something we can say however (he kisses her on the cheek)

Amy: either you or Derek knew him before?

Richard: no… I guess we had the privilege to leave before he arrived. Derek doesn't seem to like him that much… (Meredith is playing with her glass)

Meredith: you know men… They have their primordial manners…

Peter: I don't know what that is supposed to mean but… let's change topic (he drinks something and Adele raises her glass too)

Adele: to men… even if they can't read through the lines, get what's in front of their eyes and most of all…

Peter: isn't that enough?

Adele: they can't listen to what silence says… Cheers (they share a toast and Meredith stands up)

Meredith: I bring this to Derek… (she takes his tuxedo and leaves)

Richard: what was that about? (Amy giggles)

Adele: I told you.

Richard: no, you talked philosophy.

Adele: ok… I'll speak straight for you.

Richard: thank you (he smiles to her irony)

Adele: the reason Derek hates Brad was sitting right in front of you (Richard gets thoughtful and then his brows rise in comprehension)

Richard: Meredith? (Adele nods knowingly)

Amy: why?

Adele: that I don't know. But it was work related he'd talk to you. Instead he avoids the topic… and she looked uncomfortable...

Richard: you watch too many dramas, love

Adele: maybe… or you see few (Adele follows Amy's look and her eyes settle on Derek and Meredith. They're leaning at the glass and looking down to the breath taking panorama)

Amy: they really do a wonderful couple (Derek folds Meredith's shoulders with his arms from behind, his hands resting on her belly. He kisses her neck and his nose tickles her hair breathing her in, he then rests his cheek against hers and rocks her)

* * *

_Old philosophers say that who can can't stand silence is either insecure or a coward._

_Nothing is more threatening than a blank space waiting to be filled._

_With questions and captious words._


	37. BREAKING POINTS

I'm sorry I had you wait but there are good reasons. First I went on holiday and my husband said: me or your ipad. I had to pick my husband and I couldn't work for 10 days. As you may notice, this update is very long, I worked hard on it. I hope you'll enjoy and send me lots, lots, lots of reviews, complains, appreciations... whatever you like. But you'll let me know you're still in this.

Probably some of you will be a little disappointed. But I promise you great (it depends on points of you) things for next update.

I'll start to work on it tomorrow, I don't how much it will take. But let me feel your support and I'll try to be quick.

Kisses

P.S. I've tried to change a bit my writing style, I tried but it's hard. I wait comments even on that.

* * *

_Everyone has a breaking point._

_It's kind of assumed._

_You stand… you accept… you take…_

_And suddenly you're done. You can't do it anymore._

_What happens next?_

_What happens when we lose patience? What happens when the dwelling gets broken?_

_Will you keep control of yourself or will you become someone you didn't know and recognize as your usual self?_

* * *

It's morning and Mark is signing a chart at the nurses station. The hallway is alive and crowded, nurses and doctors walk up and down the corridor to join their places and patients. Even Brad is busy scrabble his name on the charts Meredith filled for him. Despite the closeness, they aren't talking to each other, everyone concerned in his job. Owen arrives at the desk and flips a chart open on the table. Mark raises his eyes to look at him and he immediately realizes his college's face is covered in a thin beard, his shirt is rubbed and Sloan notices it's the same he was wearing the day before. More than that, Hunt looks tired even if it's early morning.

The trauma surgeon is thinking back to the steamy night he had with Cristina. His soul is fighting with itself: he is obviously happy for the closeness they got, for the time they spent pleasuring each other, on the other hand Hunt was clearly feeling the strangeness of the situation, the not casualness which brings Cristina to act like a horny teen ager. He sighs thinking of the topic he so would like to face… He sighs once again: does he really want to face her on this? Owen is well aware of Cristina's essence: she's a strong woman, self confident, work focused. He knows she loves him, he can feel it. Will that be enough to decide one day to set work aside and build a family with him? Just the thought of it… Cristina's and his family let his heart bit faster…

Mark: you ok?

Owen: yeah… yeah… I'm good

Mark: night shift? (Owen chuckles and shakes his head smiling. His eyes meet for a second with Mark's and he looks away. Mark grins widely) Hot night… (he pats his shoulder) Usually it's a good thing. It had a bad effect on you though (Owen breaths out expecting the jockey and bitter remarks he's going to get, he regrets he let his emotions come out with Mark Sloan) Just pull yourself together, Hunt. If your girlfriend saw you like this, she'd feel hurt.

Owen: she's too concerned in jumping me every time to get I can be disappointed.

Mark: you're disappointed as you're lover wants to make you every day and night? (Brad is still drawn in his charts but has been following the conversation from the beginning, he chuckles and Owen rolls his eyes) What's wrong with you, man? You should be cheerful and happy. Look at Brad, here (Owen looks at the new doctor resigned and Brad is grinning again). He had a date yesterday and he's the image of living happiness this morning. I guess his lady was worth the bill.

Brad: you couldn't be more wrong (Mark's face drops). She was nothing. I wasted three evenings trying to get into her pants and she proved to be not worth the effort. I dressed up the faster I could and left during the night. I hope I won't hear of her ever again (Mark and Owen look stunned). Don't look at me like that… I had to know. When you have someone in your mind, all other women are nothing but consolation and rebound meat.

Mark: uhm uhm (he looks up and sees Derek approaching in his labcoat) Lucky me Sheperd is coming to my rescue. We'll be pairs now. Two disgraced men and two joyful… (Derek smiles to him and Hunt and leans at the nurses station)

Derek: what should I be happy for?

Mark: for your sentimental life. As I am. Having a steady and rocky relationship make everything lighter.

Derek: I'm not used to hear you talk like this…

Owen: you're not the only one…

Mark: don't turn the attention to me (he leans towards Derek and bumps his hip with his own) Apparently your wife's buddy is sucking the life out of him. She doesn't let him any break if you get what I mean.

Derek: uhm… (his face softens and his lips curl in a weak smile. Owen looks embarrassed, he starts doing charts again trying to escape the discussion) I don't think his girlfriend's libido is something he wants to share with the whole hospital.

Mark: I don't get why… (Owen rolls his eyes at him)

Derek: Mark…

Mark: but ok… I'll stop to make conversation about that.

Owen: thank you

Mark: and what about you?

Brad: nothing more I said. A bad fuck waiting for the best of my life (both Derek and Owen get serious, shock painted on their faces. Derek's jaw tightens and he looks away, Mark becomes doubtful too)

Mark: you know what's your problem?

Brad: no

Mark: you'll never find the right girl if you speak like that. I mean… sex is good. But if you don't switch your language from fuck to making love… if you don't change your mind and get ready to find the love of your life… you'll be miserable all over again (Brad closes the chart he was reading)

Brad: was that a hallmark?

Mark: no… I read it on a magazine

Brad: well thank you… but I know how to make me happy and who can make me happy. If you excuse me, gentlemen (he walks away and the three doctors look at him)

Mark: was I like that?

Derek: I hate to say it… but you were never that mean and superficial.

Owen: he sounds disturbing

Mark: I wish he'll find a hot lady who will slap his ugly face (his pager beeps and he looks at it) My bride waits for me (Derek and Owen look at him stunned)

Derek: did you ask Little Grey to marry you?

Mark: no… no… my God. How did you come up with that?

Derek: you said your bride…

Mark: my patient… my patient is … wants to be a bride and she had surgery for that. I'm not going to get married… not yet (he leaves and Derek laughs after his back)

Owen: so he's doing serious now…

Derek: I think so (Derek looks up and sees Owen looking straight at him). He looks like he is… Commitment is a huge step for men like Markie. But he's doing fine. And what about you? (Owen looks away without talking. Even if he grew to like Sheperd, he isn't so sure he wants to discuss this with him. Talking would make the problem real and it feels so wrong now. Cristina would take it like a betrayal. And Hunt knows pissing her off is the worst idea ever, if he wants a chance to talk to her, a real chance to have a debate, he has to be careful and keep things for himself. Derek feels Hunt is contended and he gets his reasons. Cristina has become a steady part of his own life too, their relationship has improved a lot lately, he got used to her night visits, the bed sharing, he knows she was a real support for Meredith and he is grateful for her presence. Still he knows she is a difficult person to deal with. She is determined and arrogant and despite the fact he doesn't know that much of her intimate life, thank God there are still some boundaries on, he knows that her behavior, her attitude is out of normalcy and is shaking the ground under Hunt's feet. And he wants to help. Finally he is an expert when it comes to the twisted sisters, right?). I'm not interested in your… privacy. But I don't think you'd live that as a problem. Unless there's something which makes it a problem.

Owen: the problem is that Cristina refuses to talk to me. Every time I try to start a conversation she brings sex up… I thought she was just living a high at first but… it's lasting for too long now. I know it may sound stupid to complain about it.

Derek: it's not. Twisted sisters use sex to avoid topics. Meredith used to do that too. She had instated the "S & M" in our relationship.

Owen: "S & M"?

Derek: sex and mockery. We could have sex and we could joke but nothing else. No eating together, no spending the night together after or before, no talking. I accepted it first. The I got I was just fooling myself. I wanted the conversation too, I wanted a girlfriend.

Owen: so I should turn her down and bring the conversation up?

Derek: if it's important, you should. She'll never (Owen's pager beeps and he looks at it)

Owen: It's the ER (Derek's pager beeps too)

Derek: let's go

* * *

Meredith and Cristina are sitting in the cafeteria. Meredith is reading a magazine while Cristina is clipping her nails.

Cristina: so you'll keep working with McAss… (Meredith giggles looking up to her friend)

Meredith: yes. But he improved a lot after the day he spent with you. I guess you scared him.

Cristina: finally somebody got him to humbleness… You were too soft with him.

Meredith: maybe it's just because I didn't want to turn my life on his service into a living hell. I took his stupid jokes and ignored his cockiness. Sometimes this is a good exercise too.

Cristina: you say so? Take the bull by the horns is the way I know to face problems (Meredith looks up to her, Cristina is keeping her work with the clip, Meredith eyes catch a red spot on her friend's neck)

Meredith: and I see you got hurt yesterday night (Cristina chuckles)

Cristina: how is it I'd be hurt?

Meredith: the bull hit you before you could tame him (Cristina looks at her frowning). You have got a hickey the size of my fist on your neck.

Cristina: where? (she rubs her neck to check her skin)

Meredith: on your left (Cristina gets to the point and touches the skin). I wouldn't call what you're doing with Owen a brave rodeo.

Cristina: I'm sorry to disagree… It's really a rodeo and I'm a cowgirl… I ride him all night long (Meredith closes her eyes and flinches).

Meredith: this is not mature and you know it

Cristina: this is totally mature. Hot, pornographic, mature sex (Meredith's face is disgusted). Come on, Mer… How did you become so chaste? You screwed McDreamy in every room of this hospital and of your home. I couldn't remember a time I didn't knock at your place and didn't find you on top of him… Are you jealous?

Meredith: no, of course. Derek and me are perfectly fine, our relationship is healthy and we went back to the pre-accident sex rate if you really want to know it.

Cristina: oh, thank God. You'll stop hovering now.

Meredith: no, I won't. As I'm worried for you.

Cristina: well, don't. There's no need to be.

Meredith: oh really? How long do you think you can go on stopping Owen's mouth kissing him?

Cristina: it's been ten days now and it keeps working.

Meredith: well it won't forever. He wants a conversation with you. He may be horny and enjoy all the crazy sex, but he knows you're handcuffing him to bed to have him shut up… (Cristina looks surprised at her)

Cristina: did he actually tell you that? (Meredith raises her brows and looks around)

Meredith: what?

Cristina: that I handcuffed him to the headboard…

Meredith: my God, no… Wait… did you? (Cristina grins and crosses her arms behind her head) You're nauseating… (she closes her magazine and sips her coffee)

Cristina: try it with Derek. Owen was delighted (Meredith stands up)

Meredith: I don't care (she walks around the table and sets a hand on Cristina's shoulder). And for the record… I could give anyone lectures how to tie a naked man to the bed.

Brad: I knew the day would be worth the very early rising… (Meredith looks up and sees Brad in front of her, he has a mischievous grin stretching his lips. Meredith flinches as she gets to be under his scrutiny. Cristina starts giggling). Anyway let's cool down for now… We are needed in the ER, dr. Grey (Meredith's face blushes violently and then goes back to normal)

Meredith: sure

They start walking outside the cafeteria, Meredith sends a last glare to Cristina who waves her fingers smiling. Brad walks behind his resident, his eyes never leaving her swaying hips and her ass, an appreciative smile painted on his face. Greg Brad had always been an example of latin lover, or McWhore, like they started to call him in Seattle. And the truth was that he wasn't even bothered. He was flattered. He had never planned to settle anywhere, and Seattle was surely the last place he could decide to do it. But there had been something in the woman in front of him who had caught his attention immediately. It was not just beauty… he had known beautiful women in New York, he had also dated some. It was something else… the thrill of the chase, the thrill of hitting on someone and getting her even if she was clearly so off market. And pissing Derek Sheperd off… well … that was an added bonus. The more Brad knew Meredith Grey the more he wondered how she could end up with a jerk like Sheperd. And no surprise, he doubled his efforts to pee on his boss' feet. Meredith Grey was the only thing which poisoned his mind, she was the example of how a person with a difficult past and family issues could fight her nature and grow up. And that was why he was so determined to blow her life: this change was impossible for people like him and her. And he was rally determined to prove it. Mostly to himself.

* * *

Alex joins the pediatric area and gets closer the incubator the baby with damaged kidney is. He leans his hand towards the glass smiling at the baby stirring inside. A nurses passes by and he gets back his composure.

Alex: would you give me the chart, please? (after some second the nurse comes back and handles him the folder. He opens it and takes a look inside, flipping the pages)

Lucy: it's illegal and against privacy to look into patients' charts when the patient in object is not yours (Alex startles but relaxes when he notices Lucy is smiling despite the strict tone she used). You could come here and ask me how he was doing (she gestures him to give her the chart back), you didn't need to hide like a burglar.

Alex: I wasn't sneaking… I've been here sometimes in the last few days but he was never here. I just wanted to know how the recovery was going.

Lucy: perfectly. That's why you didn't find him here. He was upstairs to make rehab. And, if everything goes on this way, he'll go home within the end of the week.

Alex: good. I'm happy to hear that.

Lucy: are you working with dr. Robbins today? (Alex looks at her, he doesn't want to fool himself but he feels a hint of hope in her voice)

Alex: no. I went back to Sloan's service. I've just decided to pay a visit before my shift (he looks at his clock quickly). It started five minutes ago actually, it's better I go or Sloan will kick my ass.

Lucy: come and visit us whenever you want, dr. Karev.

Alex: yeah… have a nice day (he turns around and walks down the corridor, he opens the door and runs downstairs, after two floors he exits to the main hall and he bumps into Lexie. She was carrying stuff and treatments, everything falls to the ground. She narrows her eyes at him)

Lexie: what the hell, Alex!

Alex: what the hell Lexie… (they both knee to pick up stuff) Can't you look in front of you?

Lexie: I was. You've just got out of the stairs without looking.

Alex: yeah… like you want. What the hell were you doing with all this crap?

Lexie: this crap was headed to the clinic. We're starting the lectures today.

Alex: I know. And what these are for? (he takes a box and rolls it in his hand, he then reads the content and Lexie pulls it out of his grasp)

Lexie: you really forgot what condoms are for?

Alex: no (they straighten up)

Lexie: well, if you did, the lecture starts at 15 . I'll find you a spot, a private one (she goes away and Alex enters the plastics department)

* * *

Bailey arrives in the attending lounge, she notices Callie is looking at her smiling brightly. She frowns at her, setting her bag onto the bench.

Bailey: hey…

Callie: good morning (the smile doesn't leave her face and Bailey keeps looking at her)

Bailey: did you suffer a permanent paralyses?

Callie: no, I'm fine

Bailey: it doesn't look like you're fine (she takes off her coat and settles it on the bag. She turns to look at her locker and she stops suddenly realizing there's a red rose on it. She looks quickly to Callie whose face has the same expression it had before, then to the locker then to Callie again)

Callie: it's so romantic…

Bailey: who the hell did this?

Callie: I don't know. It was already there when I arrived an hour ago

Bailey: you've been in here for an hour?

Callie: I really didn't want to miss this… Anyway… there's a way to be sure from who it comes from (she gestures with her head to the flower, Bailey bends her face and notices a little card) if you really want to pretend you don't know it yet (Bailey takes the card and gestures Callie to shut up. She opens the little envelop and pulls the sheet a little bit up. She starts to read the first line and pushes the card inside again rolling her eyes. She looks around and stops staring at Callie)

Bailey: don't you have anything to do this morning?

Callie: not really… I can stay here if you want me to… (she smiles at her expectantly)

Bailey: no. I don't need you to breathe on my neck. And I'm a doctor, you know. I took a degree, I can read. So leave me alone and go to do your job (Callie walks out of the room, she closes the door behind her back and Bailey reopens the envelop. She smiles reading the card. She hears the door opening again and she snorts) I told you I can read this crap on my own

Ben: crap? (Bailey turns around stunned and narrows her eyes in complete surprise) It took me all the evening to find the proper words to devote you. And now you're saying they're crap… (he shakes his head but the irony is touchable in his voice). I knew my mum was right… I had to put more effort in poetry lectures (Bailey giggles and lowers her eyes on the precious gift, she feels a pressure on her thigh and find Ben sitting in front of her) now I could be getting my prize…

Bailey: what would it be?

Ben: a nice word…

Bailey: thank you. It was really… (she meets Ben's eyes and speech fails her, she looks up searching for word) it was really nice.

Ben: that's it?

Bailey: and tender

Ben: better… You're not used to play with rhymes yourself, are you? (Bailey slaps his knee playfully)

Bailey: you know I'm not. But this (she waves her card and flower)… this was the cutest present I got for a very long time…

Ben: I'm happy you liked it… So I could even hope for a better prize, maybe? (he looks expectantly at her and Miranda pretends not to get what he wants)

Bailey: better than the poetry I told you?

Ben: much more (he gets closer very slowly, letting her time to back off. But she doesn't and their lips meet. When they part, they share a little smile and then Ben stands up) I have to go now… I have a surgery in twenty minutes

Bailey: just go

Ben: see you at lunch?

Bailey: I'll keep you a spot

Ben: I heard there's gonna be a sex lecture at the clinic at 15. Do you think…

Bailey: just go (he chuckles and finally leaves)

* * *

Richard enters the clinic. Despite being the new opening day and the fact there's a little celebration planned, anybody's in the room. Webber stops just after the door, he takes a deep breath looking at the wide room in front of him, everything has been cleaned up and ordered, there are beds done, the shelves are full of supplies, the terminal behind the desk is on. Richard can't help but remembering the day the Denny Duquette clinic was first inaugurated. There was a lot of people then, there were journalists to clap at the generous and philanthropic initiative, there were dozens of doctors enthusiastic about taking part in it, about giving their talent and time free. There were all his interns, dr. O'Malley and Dr. Stevens. Life looked so different. Webber had never felt old before. Even after he had decided to step down and had started interviews to give the command to one of his attending, he was full of forces and will, it wasn't his tiredness to push him off the throne. Not for work, at least. Adele had finally blackmailed him, after all the years of sharing and comprehension, she had given him an out. And he had taken it. For he loved her, sure. But also for the guilt he felt, the ghost of Ellis Grey still sending dark and sad shadows on their marriage. Now it was different. Adele had come back into his life when he had lost hope, he was living a second youth, enjoying the ER, the teaching, surgery. Paper work and bureaucratic stuff had become suddenly a burden and he wanted to give it up. To who? Who was the one taking his job? The answer was not so sure at the point, he would have said Derek three months before, now… everything had got so messed up. A vibration coming from his left pocket called him back to reality. He took his cell off and checked the id, breathing out realizing it was Patricia. He approached the desk and picked the phone up, composing the intern.

Richard: Patricia, it's me. What? (he frowns hearing the message) No, I wasn't waiting for him. But let him wait in my office. I'll be back in ten minutes (he hangs off and makes some step to the door to go back to the hospital. Before he can open it, Adele appears smiling at him)

Adele: chief…

Richard: Adele (he kisses her on the forehead). What are you doing here? (he's smiling sweetly to his wife but Adele changes expression, she becomes serious)

Adele: having breakfast with you as agreed? (she frowns and Richard gets serious too) You forgot, didn't you?

Richard: to tell the truth I thought we had agreed for tomorrow… but I can have misunderstood.

Adele: yeah, you have. You have so much stuff in your small head than not everything can stay in. Don't worry though… I'm used to you passing dates by.

Richard: I'm sorry… Can I offer you a coffee at least?

Adele: ok… and maybe dinner out tonight?

Richard: ok… I owe you (he sets his arm around her shoulders and gently leads her through the door). Let's go upstairs. Patricia has just told me I have an unexpected visitor, ten minutes and I'll be yours.

Adele: I can't wait (they walk through the corridors and Webber smiles to everyone, he nods in acknowledgment to nurses and doctors, Adele looks at him stunned). And when did you become so groupy?

Richard: what?

Adele: the public relation thing… Last time we discussed it, you mentioned it was of vital importance to keep the distance and be feared

Richard: I realized it was an old and over estimated drill. Being respected… that's what I want. That's what fits a chief (he narrows his eyes at her and arrives in front of his office. His look immediately sets on the visitor, who stands up and gets closer) Dr. Avery… (Jackson's grandfather smiles at him shaking his hand)

Avery: Webber… it's nice to see you… And this must be your wife (he takes her hand and kisses it) Long time no see, Mrs. Webber.

Adele: I got the chance to miss your boring and sad surgical meetings lately (Avery chuckles)

Avery: sometimes I wished I could miss them too… (Richard clears his throat and Avery looks back at him)

Richard: I didn't expect you. Are you ok?

Avery: of course I am. I'm not here for my health (he looks around and Richard acknowledges the presence of a lot of curious people)

Richard: let's go to my office (he opens the door and Avery goes in, Webber turns to face Adele) I'll call you later, ok?

Adele: ok

Richard: sorry for our breakfast

Adele: don't be (Richard kisses her on the cheek and she leaves, he enters his office closing the door behind his back)

Richard: so… what do I owe the pleasure? I hope you won't be here to bitch on your nephew's assignment… (he sinks in his chair adjusting his eyeglass. Avery gets comfortable in his chair too)

Avery: you know I wouldn't interfere in a college's choices

Richard: no? (he chuckles and Avery smiles)

Avery: no when he did what was for the best. I was happy to know Avery went in general. I was scared he'd pick ortho or some stupid minor specialty. He'll be fine in general… with you. But… going to my aim, I didn't come here for that (Richard looks at him, any emotion is detectable on his face) Come on… don't tell me you don't get why I took the trouble to come here…

Richard: actually, I don't

Avery: right… let's pretend you really don't. I'll use the official protocol. As you may remember, Harper Avery nominees were published three months ago. Last week we endured the final voting. I wanted to tell you before delivering the news to the winner and to the world wide medical community… Sheperd won… Hands down (he takes a paper form his briefcase and sets it on Richard's desk, Webber takes it). The praxis is that he'll receive the award during an official ceremony which will take place here in Seattle in three weeks.

Richard: finally you considered him… (Richard gives him the paper back and Avery takes it)

Avery: I don't want to turn this into a fight… You know how these things work Richard. There are people in the committee which pretended he was nothing till ten days ago. They just couldn't do it anymore (he stands up and Richard does too) Will you show me the way, Webber?

Richard: it will be a pleasure

* * *

In the visit room a group of doctors is working around the patient, a man in his 50 with a lot of injuries. His head is blocked by a collar, his eyes are moving nervously scanning the room.

Brad and Meredith are making tests on his consciousness and the capability to follow orders and instructions. Owen and Reed are packing a wound on his side, Teddy and Cristina are checking the results displayed on monitors.

Meredith: mr. Lewis, will you remember three words for me?

Lewis: I can try…

Meredith: apple, plane and dog (the man start to repeat them silently) Try to keep them in mind, I'll ask you in a few minutes (Meredith writes some note and Brad is still doing his exam. He touches the man's cheekbones, his forehead)

Brad: there's no sign of fracture (he touches the man's skull too). The skull looks intact too. We'll run and MRI just to be sure. Do you remember what happened?

Lewis: I was working on the rigging with my son. We were fixing some pipes. I told him to fix one… I held it in place for him but… He hit my hand with the hammer. I recoiled and… fell off.

Brad: how high?

Lewis: I don't know. We were on the second floor…

Brad: so 15 feet? High

Lewis: I guess… (the man winces trying to move his leg. Owen holds him down)

Owen: we're almost done, mr. Lewis. Just hold on for one second

Lewis: I… (he closes his eyes breathing out, Owen eyes Meredith to keep the patient busy. Meredith goes standing in front of the man and takes his hand squeezing it)

Meredith: mr. Lewis… it's time for my three words. Can you remember them?

Lewis: dog… apple… plane

Meredith: that's it. Well done…

Brad: I think I can exclude neurological damages. There's a concussion, that's sure. I suggest a MRI. You were lucky, mr. Lewis.

Lewis: really?

Owen: let's wait to say it (monitors start to beep and Teddy approaches Owen)

Teddy: there's a light arythmia. It could be the shock… the adrenalin. I'd keep him monitored though.

Owen: what if I have to take him into surgery?

Teddy: page me if you have. I'll let Cristina here to monitor him.

Owen: ok

Teddy: Yang… watch enzymes and cardiac rhythm. Page me if it gets faster (Cristina nods and Teddy leaves)

Lewis: do you think I can see my son? (Meredith and Owen exchange a worried look)

Meredith: I think you should try to rest, mr. Lewis

Lewis: I'm fine… at least so you keep saying. I just want to have three words with him… I don't want him to feel guilty… please… (Owen looks at Meredith and then nods)

Meredith: I'll go to look for him (she leaves the room and walks to the waiting area. She stops to search the people waiting till she notices a boy in his 20. The guy looks frightened, his eyes run form the walls to the floor to the people surrounding him. Meredith walks towards him and the boy seems to freeze) Are you Tim? (he nods and looks down, Meredith sits near him rubbing his arm)

Tim: I killed him… I did actually kill my father

Meredith: he's fine, Tim.

Tim: you lie…

Meredith: no, I'm not. Come and see by yourself. He wants to talk to you (she stands up waiting for him to do the same but he doesn't budge and Meredith sits back, the boy is sniffling) I know you feel guilty but you shouldn't. You made a mistake… you didn't make it on purpose. He's going to be fine…

Tim: he's… (now he's crying loudly) I did it on purpose. I hit him (Meredith's face becomes a mask of disbelief). I wanted it to be something stupid… just a hit with my hummer… I didn't think he would recoil… (Meredith is thunderstruck and stays there while the boy keeps crying)

* * *

Derek is in a visit room. He looks at his clock snorting and leans on the gurney. He rubs his eyes tiredly. The door suddenly opens and Avery enters the room.

Avery: morning dr. Sheperd

Derek: dr. Avery… (Jackson smiles at him, he settles a little box on the gurney and wears a pair of rubber gloves)

Avery: I'm sorry I had you wait. The journey from the clinic was longer than expected. I had to earn space using my elbows. The waiting area is full of people waiting for the lecture.

Derek: safe sex is always a good bait

Avery: if you say so… you're surely a better fisherman than I am

Derek: probably… (he raises the sleeve of his labcoat and unbuttons his shirt wristband, he raises the shirt too discovering his forearm) I'm sorry dr. Bailey assigned you to do this.

Avery: it's not a bother, sir

Derek: I know, I'm a case now… (Derek smiles to Avery and the resident smiles back) Not so important and not so complicated… I don't know why Bailey takes so many precautions… (Avery takes the chart and reads some note. He picks a pen out of his pocket)

Avery: any fever in the last 24 hours?

Derek: no. And not in the previous 24.

Avery: so all the symptoms disappeared two days ago?

Derek: yes

Avery: would you define it a flu or…

Derek: just a cold. And a fever. Nothing to worry about.

Avery: ok… We'll take some blood anyway (he takes the needle and gets closer, Derek sits on the gurney and stretches his arm, Jackson sets a loop around Derek's forearm and touches the skin to find a vein. He pierces the skin and the tube starts to fill. He takes the needle out once over and sets a band aid on Sheperd's arm). I'll go to take this to the lab. If everything is clear and ready, we'll be ready tomorrow morning.

Derek: ok

Avery: dr. Bailey told me you won't stay here for the night…

Derek: no… I'll come in tomorrow morning

Avery: ok… just remember not to eat tonight and all night long till… (he raises his eyes and Derek is smiling to him resettling his clothes) Sorry… it's the habit.

Derek: it's fine (Avery handles him his chart and Derek signs all the papers and the authorizations required, the informative document and the insurance statement) You really don't notice how much crap patients have to sign till when you don't become a patient yourself…

Avery: I shouldn't say it, I know, but I think nobody really reads any of this (Derek gives him the chart back and straightens up)

Derek: I guess you're right. Can I go?

Avery: of course, sir

Derek: thank you, dr. Avery. See you tomorrow then… (he makes some step to the door but before he reaches it Richard and Avery's grandfather come in) Hey… (Avery turns up and smiles seeing his grandpa there, he gets closer to him and hugs him)

Avery: grandpa… what are you doing here? (the man looks embarrassed but smiles to his nephew)

Avery: just sticking my nose around…

Jackson: why you didn't call to tell me you were coming? I could take some time off to have lunch together (Derek pats Jackson's shoulder)

Derek: parents and relatives never warn you before showing up. It's a pleasure to see you, dr. Avery (he stretches his hand and the old doctor shakes it) The young boy here is really all there.

Richard: tomorrow he'll perform a minor surgery on dr. Sheperd

Derek: Watch out or he'll be the doctor Avery in a few time (Richard chuckles and Jackson blushes)

Avery: I hope he will. Time is on his side

Derek: yeah… I'd prefer not to taste his scalpel on my skin but… we're a teaching hospital after all (both Avery laughs) I let you to your family reunion and go back to my office. If you excuse me… (he makes a step back but Avery senior blocks his way. Derek stops frowning and looks at Richard)

Avery: to tell the truth I needed to talk to you

Derek: me?

Avery: yes, it will just take two minutes

Derek: ok… (Avery gets the conversation is getting personal and takes all his stuff)

Jackson: I'm going to take these to the labs.

Richard: ok

Avery: catch up later for a quick lunch in the cafeteria?

Jackson: of course (Jackson gets to the door, he turns quickly around before going out. He looks at Derek and sighs wondering if what Sheperd said was just out of kindness or if he really thought it. The neuro surgeon was about to reach a goal every surgeon dreamt of, a goal most surgeons could only dream and never achieve. He closed the door behind his back)

Derek: what can I do for you?

Avery: sit down

Derek: excuse me?

Avery: sit. I'm sorry to do it like this (he looks at Richard and then approaches Derek, he takes an envelope out of his briefcase and handles it to Derek. Sheperd looks at it cautiously, rolling it through his fingers. He notices the name of a legal office in the left corner and looks up to Avery, his face gets serious)

Derek: to tell the truth I thought this would come much earlier

Avery: I wanted it to arrive first… finally later is better than ever, isn't it? (Derek smiles and gets off the gurney)

Derek: you're a man of humor, dr. Avery. No hard feelings. I'll have my lawyer answer back (Avery's mouth opens a bit in surprise, Richard looks questioningly at Derek)

Richard: what the hell are you talking about?

Derek: he has just notified me an incoming lawsuit. The least I can do is… (Derek stops as Avery has started to laugh noisily. He looks at him bewildered. The old doctor is trying to get his seriousness back but he goes on laughing)

Avery: my God… sorry. I'm… (he wipes some tear away and catches his breath) it's not a lawsuit for God's sake (Derek looks down to the papers, his attention caught by the sender). Why would I be suiting you? For you taught me your lesson in your hospital? My God Sheperd… I was told you were an easy guy but I didn't think like this. The sender is a legal office as the legal office is the legal entity of the foundation.

Derek: foundation? I don't… (Avery makes some step towards Derek and sets his hands on his shoulders)

Avery: the content of that envelop is not bad news at all, dr. Sheperd. You won… (Derek's eyes jumps to meet Avery's and then Richard's who's smiling behind him) You got Harper Avery… I know you had a lot of stuff to deal with lately and I wanted to deliver this news personally… And it's an honor for me (he breaks the contact and turns back picking his briefcase from the ground). The official communication will be deployed in two days. I kindly ask you to keep the secret till then. You in particular Webber… One of my co workers will take contact with you in the next days to arrange a visit and to take some picture. It's for the almanac and the ceremony. We organized it here in Seattle for your honor. And, that stays between us, so I could have some free time to spend with my nephew. See you soon, Derek (he opens the door and leaves, Derek is still standing in the same spot)

Richard: I leave you some privacy (he goes out too)

* * *

Mark and Alex enter Tracy's room. She's reading a magazine and her boyfriend is asleep on the couch. He's snoring loudly and Mark grins.

Mark: he must love you really much to sleep there. Those couches really break your back.

Tracy: Nick loves camping. He's used to sleep on impossible surfaces. This is heaven for him. So?

Mark: I've just picked your exams and they're fine. I'll make the last treatment and tomorrow you're free to go.

Tracy: that's great… I can't wait to get out of here. I have so many things to do for the marriage. Sometimes I feel like I won't do it.

Mark: you will, don't worry.

Alex: and maybe even regret you did… (he chuckles and Tracy looks at him. Mark understands she doesn't know Karev)

Mark: this is my resident, Tracy. Dr. Alex Karev…

Tracy: nice to meet you dr. Karev. So all my wedding talking scared dr. Avery and had him run through the hills.

Mark: no. He was just lent to this department for your surgery's day. Now he went back to his specialty and I got my brat back. Dr. Karev is very good. Now I leave you with him, he'll make your medication and I'll see you later for the discharge and my best wishes (he smiles and leaves, Alex approaches the bed and wears his gloves)

Alex: can I?

Tracy: sure (he pulls the sheet off and takes the bandages away. Tracy winces seeing her new toes)

Alex: you can go on reading your stuff if you feel more comfortable.

Tracy: no, I'm okay (she leans the magazine on the nightstand) and this is part of Nick's duty. He has to go through that and choose which stuff to pick. It's not women can do all by themselves (Alex has started to make the treatment)

Alex: usually women are hell bent to wedding stuff. Men… they just fall into it

Tracy: are you married? (Alex looks up quickly at her and then goes back to his work)

Alex: not anymore

Tracy: oh… and how did it happen? (Alex shrugs)

Alex: Sometimes things are not supposed to work.

Tracy: it's just unbelievable… That day you walk down the aisle and you feel so sure everything will go perfectly, you'll build a family and a future with the person you really love. And then… it just goes away. How can it be?

Alex: stay still, please (Alex is avoiding her eyes and Tracy looks at him)

Tracy: I'm sorry… It was inappropriate. I guess it's hard to talk about it. I didn't mean to bother you.

Alex: you didn't. And it's not I'll cry. We take the lesson and start new.

Tracy: you talk about wedding like it was a procedure. You fail one and try another.

Alex: yeah… it's something like that

Tracy: and where is the soul mate? Where are the vows? Where is the commitment? You can't switch bride like you do with old clothes.

Alex: who does say that?

Tracy: everyone… (Alex chuckles and Nick stirs on the couch, he stands up rubbing his eyes and gets close to the bed)

Nick: hey (he straightens up massaging his back) I fell asleep… I'm sorry (he kisses her and she smiles)

Tracy: don't worry. Dr. Sloan came here and said I'm fine. I can live today.

Nick: wow (Alex looks up and sees a hint of hesitance on the guy's features)

Tracy: and dr. Karev here is doing the medication. And we're having an interesting discussion about marriage and vows.

Nick: watch out there… My girlfriend is a religious extremist (she slaps his hand)

Tracy: I'm not. It's just sad to see a young guy so delusional and pessimist about love.

Nick: some people are not as lucky as we are, honey (he looks down at her and they kiss. Alex stands up)

Alex: I'm done here. I'll see you later, ok?

* * *

Bailey, Hunt, Reed, Brad, Meredith and Cristina are in the OR.

Bailey: so how did this happen?

Owen: an accident on work…

Cristina: more a domestic accident I'd say…

Bailey: so it was domestic or on work?

Meredith: it was on work but his son caused it…

Bailey: things just happen when you work in a building site

Cristina: especially when your son decides to hit you with a hammer on purpose. You can be a smart ass but there's no way to avoid it (Bailey looks up at her and then goes back working)

Meredith: he freaked out in the waiting area… (Meredith looks up to Owen) Will you tell the police? (Owen breaths out)

Owen: how can I not?

Meredith: he repented…

Cristina: this doesn't erase the crap the contractor will have because of his joke.

Meredith: what do you mean?

Cristina: the area will be closed and there will be an inquiry, the public authorities will check all the security standards were respected. What do you think will happen if they think it was an accident? The guy will have to sell his boxers and it could not be enough. The sooner you talk the sooner he'll get off troubles.

Meredith: it's just so sad…

Cristina: do you know what is sad? That we've been in here for two hours and none of you said a word for this poorthing. He's the one opened on the table actually. Several opening.

Meredith: so now you feel for the patient?

Cristina: I've never said that. But he'll feel like crap when he wakes up and gets to know that the perfect little son, the one he used to wear with blue puffy caps has tried to kill him. Such a wonderful path… and his mum… she'll be delighted. She could even find him a justification like motherly mothers do to cover their children' tare

Bailey: if I didn't know you, Yang, I'd say you had a dysfunctional youth.

Brad: why? Had she not?

Cristina: no, my youth was perfectly fine, thank you for your concern.

Meredith: you don't have to be so radical. We don't know what happened between the two of them

Cristina: cut the crap, Mer. Anything your father did to you, you just don't handle a hammer and smash his head. Did you ever hit your dad?

Meredith: he left before I wished to do it. And you should probably ask that to him… he hit me.

Owen: I don't think it's a problem of what he did or his son did. It's not a matter of education. It's just that sometimes kids get crashed by their patient's shadow, they bottle up for years and then they get the breaking point. And do things like this.

Brad: come on, Hunt. Don't mourn this guy like he was a murderer. He didn't kill anyone. He just wanted to shut his father up.

Cristina: and then he'll find a girlfriend who will be annoying, she'll talk of dresses and jewels and toiletry and he'll find her stressful and he'll get to another breaking point. And crack her head to shut her up. Seriously… it's for people like you that some people blame us for death penalty. It's DNA engineering.

Owen: so this boy will become a serial killer for you?

Cristina: he has more chances than me. You often hear they suffered abuse, they were aggressive, they had strange hobbies

Meredith: but sometimes neighbours would set their hands on fire to assure they were perfectly good guys

Cristina: Well… hammering your father is not something so perfectly good. I'd say his neighbours will like to stay apart from him.

Brad: it's better not to have kids if they can be so disturbed and dangerous.

Bailey: unfortunately you can't know how they'll look like till they are here.

Cristina: that's his point. No buying closed box.

Owen: so what? Letting the human kind expire?

Cristina: no. Just letting the others taking the plunge even for you

* * *

Derek is leaning to the catwalk looking down. A small smile paints his lips, the conversation with dr. Avery still echoing in his ears.

So that's it. After years of studying, working, impressing, exercising, making mistakes he got on top of the surgical world. Someone would have told him twenty years ago… he'd have signed a blind contract right away. But now… he was happy of course, he was flattered… it was a sweet feeling. But not the apotheosis he would expect to feel. There was something missing. Derek searched his mind and heart trying to find the answer and it came clear to his mind. His surgeries had saved lives, his hands had achieved to improve the patients' conditions. But nothing had actually improved his own life. The life of the people he loved. He wanted to do something more than being a brilliant expression of science and techniques. He wanted to try to leave a tangible sign in the medical world. He wanted to find treatments, he wanted to heal inoperable illness. He wanted to improve his own world. He took a glance to the hall downstairs and his eyes were caught by a woman pushing a wheelchair, an older woman sitting on it, her eyes fireless and lost in the surrounding space. Alzheimer. Derek got it immediately. There was something in patients with Alzheimer which immediately caught his attention. It was difficult to explain… There was something in the demeanor of these people, they way they stood, the way they looked around… It was heartbreaking how people changed, faded… Derek remembered Ellis Grey, the day he went visiting her in the clinic. She looked so clueless and harmless. And he remembered her at the hospital in a moment of lucidity, cold and cynic. How could that be the same person? He pictured Meredith like that and his heart clenched. If only he could… He straightened up. Maybe he could. The tests he had processed two years ago hadn't been enough to build up a clinical trial then. But now things could change. He could try to find donors and sponsors. He smiled wider.

Mark: it looks like Derek-bee just had a good idea… (Derek turns around and sees Mark next to him)

Derek: probably…

Mark: personal or professional?

Derek: the both

Mark: you're hermetic.

Derek: and you're curious. Just wait and see.

Mark: ok… Can I help you with something?

Derek: no… I'm the neuro God and you're the plastic guy. I'm good (his smile widens even more)

Mark: why are you so cocky today?

Derek: nothing

Mark: you're an awful liar.

Derek: you didn't teach me well there

Mark: and I'm still the nurses' preferred one…

Derek: I'm not so sure about that…

Mark: Brad can think he's screwing but he's been screwed. Nurses met and voted. I'm still the favorite Mc Whore. And I was told you had a private meeting with dr. Avery, half of Harper Avery team. Anything you want to tell me?

Derek: no

Mark: anything you'd like to tell me but you can't? (Derek smiles) Come here, brother (Mark hugs him quickly) I don't know how you could become so good and I didn't. We studied all together, on the same books.

Derek: you're good. It's just that you don't give yourself too much credit. You should.

Mark: yeah… now I get why you boycotted my shiny impossible surgery…

Derek: you do?

Mark: you were scared I could beat you on the knife's edge, you bastard (Derek laughs) Can I ask you a favor?

Derek: I won't introduce you hot doctors…

Mark: I have Lexie, I don't need hot doctors.

Derek: good answer. Shoot it.

Mark: will you reconsider it?

Derek: what?

Mark: Mrs. Myers… her surgery

Derek: I thought she stepped down

Mark: no. we did. Webber wasn't able to find me a neuro surgeon. And she was pissed. Black pissed.

Derek: mmm… give me her dossier. I'll take a look.

Mark: yes majesty

Derek: Mark…

Mark: do you prefer another nick name?

Derek: Derek is still fine for you

Mark: congrats again, boy. Going to Joe's to celebrate tonight?

Derek: no. I have to keep the secret for some day. And tomorrow there's my little surgery.

Mark: right, I forgot. See you at the inauguration then.

Derek: ok… (Mark turns around and makes some step away) And Mark…

Mark: my lips are sealed, don't worry

Derek: thank you

* * *

Alex arrives at the clinic, in the hall the servants have arranged chairs and a podium. There are nurses going left and right to prepare things and there are already some guess sitting and waiting. Alex approaches a very agitated Lexie. The young intern is scanning some paper quickly. From the other side of the room even Lucy gets closer.

Alex: have you forgotten what safe sex is?

Lexie: no. As I have it every night (Lucy narrows her eyes at her). I can give you some tip however. But from what I remember, you prefer dirty transgressive sex so… at least you used to… (she picks up her documents and leaves. Alex giggles and Lucy follows Lexie with her eyes)

Lucy: funny girl…

Alex: she freaks out for everything and I enjoy to joke her around.

Lucy: she is Sloan's girlfriend, isn't she?

Alex: yes. And my roommate.

Lucy: do you live with her?

Alex: yes (Alex is sure he can read discomfort on Lucy's face). And her sister, her brother in law and whoever needs a roof and just knocks to the door. Actually… you don't need to knock… you just come in and find a bed to sleep.

Lucy: it looks like a funny place

Alex: it is. And you?

Lucy: I have a loft downtown.

Alex: fancy

Lucy: no. An old barrack cleaned up and sold. Really not so fancy.

Alex: but you go home and have silence, privacy… I miss that sometimes… I have to take showers with Lexie going in and out, she shaves her legs while I brush my teeth. And leaving with your boss… you call him sir here and then call him names as he eats all the chocolate corn flakes in the morning. It's messy. But I wouldn't give it up now.

Lucy: you have time to make the change

Alex: Yeah (his attention is caught by Nick, Tracy's boyfriend. He has opened the door and entered the room. His expression hardens)

Lucy: you ok?

Alex: yes. He's my patient's boyfriend. Nick… (the guy sees him and gets closer) Are you ok? Tracy's fine?

Nick: yeah… she's good. Painting her nails actually (he rubs his face and Alex realizes he looks nervous and is really pale. He pats his shoulder)

Lucy: I go to take a chair (she walks away and comes back after some second with a chair. Nick sits down)

Alex: something happened?

Nick: no… really. I know it doesn't look like but I'm fine. Just tired I guess…

Alex: I told you wedding plans suck

Nick: I was supposed to sleep… but I wasn't. I heard what you said. And you're right. And Tracy… she just… I'm sorry she prompted you on personal topics.

Alex: it doesn't matter.

Nick: it does. She scares away everyone with all her theories about everlasting love and commitment. My friends dumped me as they can't stand to share a dinner with the two of us. And now she gives her doctor lectures about soul mates and obligations. And doesn't stop even when you mention she's just selling crap (he rubs his eyes tiredly and looks up, both Lucy and Alex are looking at him). Don't give me that look. I'm not a groom freaking out as marriage gets closer.

Alex: I didn't…

Lucy: you did

Nick: I love her and I want to marry her. I hadn't realized yet how much she can push, how much she can pull. We'll walk down that aisle. But we'll be alone.

Alex: mr. Philips, your marriage will never be like you wanted it to be. Your girlfriend is planning everything, imagining every problem and finding two solutions. But you'll have problems. And she'll be pissed. Do you think she's giving you hell now? Wait when the aperitif won't be cold enough… (Nick giggles) But still… you're prepared.

Nick: do you think so? I'd prefer a sudden death than an agony like this

Alex: I happen to disagree. I had a sudden death. I got married at 6.30 pm and I got to know at 4.

Nick: what?

Alex: my girlfriend was sick, she had a tumor. And one of our friends gave us her wedding day. So I knew two hours before. I found myself on an altar talking a good speech while I was supposed to be cutting in an OR. With a tuxedo which was not mine and a pair of trousers squeezing my balls as they were too tight

Lucy: I really wanted to see that

Alex: why don't you just talk to her? Tell her to take it easier. You don't need to fight. Just to talk.

Nick: I don't want to waste things for her.

Alex: but you don't want to remember this like a nightmare (Nick's cell beeps and he looks at it. He stands up)

Nick: that's her. I need to go back.

Alex: I see you later for the dismissal

Nick: ok… thank you

* * *

Bailey is scrubbing out with Owen, they look through the glass to see Avery and Reed wheeling the patient away.

Bailey: will you come with me to inform mrs. Lewis about surgery?

Owen: if you want me to...

Bailey: why would I not?

Owen: I guess the right question is why would you?

Bailey: I don't want to be alone with them when I'll have to explain how this did really happen... (Owen nods and Bailey breaths out) Have you already called the police?

Owen: yes, they should be here in an hour or so. I told them there was a remote chance the guy would flake off

Bailey: why do I have to feel so bad for this? Your girlfriend is so intransigent and radical and Brad... Seriously... I should ask Altman to run a scan to check if he actually has a heart

Owen: I wouldn't be surprised if she found a roast potato...

Bailey: she'd be delighted then... She'd reveal a medical mystery (they both laugh) Let's go (they exit the scrub room and walk through the sliding door delimiting the restricted area. Bailey spots the patient's wife and son waiting together. They are both playing nervously with plastic cups. As soon as the woman notices the two doctors walking to her she stands up like a spring and meets them half way)

Woman: so how is he? Is he good? How did it happen? (Bailey looks around realizing there is a lot of people in the room. Owen feels her discomfort and clears his throat to speak)

Owen: mrs. Lewis, the surgery went good but there are some concerns and detail we want to share with you and I don't think this is the right place. Please, follow us to that conference room (he point to a free room and Bailey starts to walk without even waiting for the answer. Owen gives way to the woman and shares a quick look with the son who follows his mom. They all enter the room and Owen closes the door behind his back. Everyone has taken a sit and he does as well, picking a chair near Bailey)

Bailey: as doctor Hunt already told you the surgery went good. We had some complications but we were able to stop the bleeding and to repair all the damages. Dr. Brad made an accurate neurological check and he excluded any problem or residual bleeding.

Woman: so why do you say you still have concerns about his conditions?

Owen: as our Head of Cardio and her resident noticed some cardiac anomaly and your husband is still under strict monitoring.

Woman: I don't understand... My husband has never had cardiac problems... Is it a consequence of the accident?

Owen: it could be... Your husband was awake all the time during the ride to the hospital... It could be a reaction to stress or shock

Woman: or it could be the cause of the accident? Maybe he had a high pressure and felt down... (both Bailey and Owen look at the boy who keeps silent)

Bailey: mrs. Lewis, your husband's accident wasn't caused by a heart attack or pressure or a high...

Woman: did he tell you? As Tim was with him but...

Tim: it was me (the woman turns to her son and takes his hand)

Woman: honey... It's not your fault... You couldn't stop dad from falling down...

Tim: you don't get it , mom, do you? (he retrieves his hand from her grasp) I hit him... With the hummer.

Woman: what?

Tim: I hit him... On purpose... And he fell down

Woman: honey... You were working and (the boy jumps on his feet, the chair scraping on the floor noisily)

Tim: damn it, mum, stop it! I said I did it on purpose and I did it on purpose. We were working and he started the same old story of me being able of doing nothing on my own, that he had given me that job and I wasn't cheerful enough to thank him every morning. I was tired and I told him to stop but he just couldn't shut up and an lost control. For one, fucking second I lost control and I hit his fingers. He recoiled... And he fell. I didn't want him to fall but I wanted to hit him and have him shutting the hell up. So when I say that's my fault don't say the contrary. I guess the police is already coming here

Owen: it is (the woman has started to sob and the guy looks down at her)

Tim: can I go to take her something to drink? (he notices the glance between Haunt and Bailey and he gets their unsaid fear). I won't run, I promise. I could have done it before if I wanted (Owen nods and Tim leaves, his mum goes on crying for some second and neither Owen nor Bailey can find the nerve to tell her something. Finally she sniffles and cleans her nose, she stands up)

Woman: it's better I go and find my son a lawyer... Excuse me... (the woman leaves and Hunt rubs his eyes)

Bailey: it's on occasions like this that I hate being a doctor (Owen chuckles still rubbing his eyes and Bailey looks at him stunned). Do you find it funny?

Owen: no, of course I don't. But it's kind of educational..

Bailey: what? A son messing up with a tool?

Owen: no. A mother whose only worry is trying to protect her son despite the mistake he did. It's a lecture of strength and love I hope someday I will be able to give to my own son.

Bailey: I wish it to you

* * *

Derek enters the clinic and is happily surprised to see how many people are in the room waiting for the conference. He smiles and says hi to some doctors and nurses he recognizes, he can't help the grin of satisfaction painting his lips. Aft the encounter with Mark, he was reflecting that maybe his quarantine could start some hour later. He wanted to take Meredith to Joe's to celebrate, he couldn't wait to tell her about the award. He spotted her in a corner with her friends, his lips curled even more to notice how beautiful and relaxed she was. His wife was sex on legs, even the pregnancy and the new roundness characterizing her features had made her even more stunning. She was laughing for something Cristina had told her, he looked and noticed all the clear signs of hilarity that brightened her face: her nose seemed to crinkle a bit, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were almost closed. His heart clenched for the joy: after all the bad moments and problems they had gone through, apparently the time of serenity had come for them too. Derek breathed in deeply: the conversation with Avery had awoken a new enthusiasm in him. Both personal and professional. He wanted to start to plan a clinical trial for Alzheimer as on as possible. And Meredith... with the baby coming and their dream house on progress, there was just one thing missing to complete the picture. And he wanted to repair as soon as possible. He walked close to the wall till he was some step to Meredith and the other residents. This was an official occasion and even he wanted to feel the contact with his wife and stand close to her, he decided to stop near Hunt and Teddy. The Chief was already on the podium and the ceremony was about to start.

Cristina stared to the items resting on the desk in front of Webber, she recognized a box of condoms and other stuff.

Cristina: come on... He's over there with a banana and condoms.

Meredith: I hope this time won't still be Patricia to lead the lecture

Avery: who?

Cristina: the chief's secretary.

Meredith: this would be the second time I take lectures of safe sex from someone who hasn't sex for years.

Cristina: and how do you know that? Apparently even Nelson could find a wife after all.

Meredith: this doesn't mean he has an active sexual life

Alex: you're right. He could do crosswords... It's normal activity of new weds (Reed takes a look around the room)

Reed: I had never done something like this before...

Cristina: just because none of your friends has never spread Syphilis all other the hospital (Meredith giggles and Alex gets serious). It was a funny experience. And Patricia had a very good time rolling a condom on the banana (she looks to the podium where Lucy fields is doing the same operation). For her misfortune, she has lost the chance this time. See you in three years, banana (Meredith laughs and turns to look to Alex)

Meredith: Alex is excited though. Her new target seems to have a lot of experience with these operations... Her hands are magic...

Alex: just shut up

Brad: you all (the guys turn around and look back to the podium gaining seriousness when they see Brad next to them). It's the first time I see you so excited about something, dr. Yang (Alex giggles and Cristina sends a quick glance to Brad)

Cristina: that's because your specialty can't raise any excitement in me, sir. I'm a very enthusiastic person.

Brad: I see. This free clinic is very interesting.

Cristina: do you think?

Brad: yeah. I found it embarrassing this morning to go and buy condoms in the pharmacy in front of the hospital. The cashier looked at me like it was a crime to have plans for someone. Now I know I can find plenty here. I really start to like this place.

Alex: good... Just be careful, I wouldn't be surprised if dr. Fields put her intern to guard condoms. She looks to be really in the part.

Brad: yeah... And I have to say this part really fits her.

Alex: so who's making malignant comments about colleges now?

Brad: just relax, Karev. She's not my type.

Cristina: look how she's squeezing that poor thing... You don't want yours to be that banana...

Meredith: don't take example, Cristina. This game looks to be too hard (she grins to Cristina)

Cristina: and since then do you like fair play in bed?

Meredith: I don't actually... You know I don't (their attention is brought back to the chief who is back on the podium)

Webber: and now dr. Fields will be glad to answer your questions

Cristina: I don't have questions (she leaves like a lot of other people, Meredith does too and Derek follows her, Cristina notices him and grins to Meredith) I guess he's here for the practical lecture (Meredith rolls her eyes)

Meredith: don't care, Derek

Derek: do I never care when she bosses me? (he closes his arms around Meredith and Cristina snorts)

Cristina: no, and these are the results. See you later (Derek pulls Meredith in an OC room kissing her neck, she pours in his ear feeling his lips on her skin)

Meredith: apparently dr. Fields has a sexing power...

Derek: I didn't get one word of what she said. I was too busy to think of this moment (he kisses her lips and then stops to look her into the eyes)

Meredith: you're ok? You look like you're daydreaming...

Derek: and I am. I'm here with the most beautiful woman in the world who happens to be carrying my perfect baby and being my post it wife. And then... (he swallows and smiles and she smiles back) can you keep a secret?

Meredith: I'm not very good at it but I can try

Derek: it's mine, Mer...

Meredith: what? (he smiles wider and she frowns) the baby? (Derek chuckles and kisses her cheek quickly)

Derek: not the baby... I know it's mine... the award (Meredith makes a step back, her mouth opens in shock) dr. Avery in his shoes came here this morning to tell me... I have to keep it till the news gets public

Medith: oh my God (she hugs him tight) I'm so happy for you

Derek: I know (he rubs her back) and I know it sounds repetitive but... (he breaks the hug and sets his palms on his cheeks) I have to thank you... I couldn't have done half things without you near me, I love you (he kisses her)

Meredith: I love you too (they kiss again)

Derek: what about if we stop at Joe's before going home tonight?

Meredith: why not? I can't wait to see Cristina's face when you tell her...

Derek: not tonight though

Meredith: I know. I got that part: keep the secret, Mer. Keep your mouth shut (Derek laughs and she gets serious) Oh...

Derek: what?

Meredith: you want to go out tonight but your surgery is in the morning. You can't eat or drink anything

Derek: I happen to know that. Plus Avery clearly mentioned it.

Meredith: we can go home then...

Derek: no. Let's go out. You need to have some fun with all the others sometimes.

Meredith: ok (her pager beeps and she looks at it) Don't think I'll skip the pre-op sex though. That won't kill you

Derek: but doing sex starving and thirsty will

Meredith: go and take something now then! Don't waste any more time (she kisses him quickly and leaves the room)

* * *

Lexie is walking to the nurses station holding several folders. She sees Mark standing there and arrives slamming the papers on the desk, she snorts noisily and Mark looks at her blinking

Mark: you ok?

Lexie: yeah... Only I was sure this was going to end like this

Mark: like what?

Lexie: like every attending in the hospital is happy to cooperate to the success of the clinic, to give hints and time. But finally the only ones really running and doing the dirty job are the interns. Like usual.

Mark: well... It looked o me like even dr. Fields was doing the dirty job before (Lexie's eyes narrow in shock)

Lexie: Mark!

Mark: what? (he turns around and notices her expression) I was just saying...

Lexie: can you just stop saying things about sexy women doing sexy things about sex?

Mark: what? (Lexie looks angry, her hands on her hips but apparently Mark is not scared of her reaction, he grins) you're hot when you're pissed...

Lexie: don't think you can give me that crap now (he gets closer and talks slowly in her ear)

Mark: her hands are nothing compared with yours.

Lexie: all the men were looking at her in a haze in that room...

Mark: it's not true

Lexie: yeah... You're right. They were actually grooling on her feet.

Mark: she was cold, and detached.

Lexie: she was beautiful

Mark: frigid

Lexie: algid and perfect

Mark: she was handling that banana like it was an enemy

Lexie: she was damned sexy, her voice never cracked and she was talking about sex in a room full of strangers. Me... I am here talking with you and I feel as embarrassed as a girl at the first day of school... I'm rambling... Why can't I be like her?

Mark: I don't want you to be like her. As you're far more sexy and hot.

Lexie: please...

Mark: women like Lucy Fields eat men, they hate men. That's why they can have a speech like that without feeling any uncomfortable. And that's why men don't chase her. Who will go after her when you're in the picture? ( Lexie smiles) I thank God it wasn't you making that lecture on the podium. I think I could jump you right and there (he kisses her cheek), wasn't you thinking of me all the time?

Lexie: yes

Mark: so I think we should go home early and order in.

Lexie: why not...

Mark: I think I lost a passage of the procedure we were taught and you, resident who makes the whole dirty job, could surely give me a quick freshen up (he smirks and whispers in her ear) ... And then I could give it to you (he grins and she smiles back)

Lexie: crap!

Mark: what?

Lexie: Meredith has just texted me to go to Joe's tonight with her and Derek and I said yes. I'm sorry...

Mark: don't be. We'll go there, eat something and then go home to have our private lessons

Lexie: ok (Mark's pager rings)

Mark: see you directly at Joe?

Lexie: ok

* * *

Owen sees Cristina sitting alone in the cafeteria, she's writing on her cell and she doesn't notice him taking a seat in front of her.

Owen: hey

Cristina: hey

Owen: I brought you coffee

Cristina: thank you (she hasn't looked up yet and Owen starts to feel uncomfortable)

Owen: what are doing?

Cristina: answering my mum. She needs an address and she asked me

Owen: whose address?

Cristina: nothing important... (she looks up and sees he's waiting) the man who made my library... She wants one for the living room...

Owen: Did you have your own library?

Cristina: why do you care? (Owen smiles in disbelief) What?

Owen: I'm just trying to make some conversation... And I know nothing of your adolescence and I really want to know. Unless your library is covered by military secret...

Cristina: it's not. But my life at home is not great deal and I don't like to talk about it. I guess my mum told you a lot of things though.

Owen: she didn't and I'm happy of it. I want to know things from you not to have your mum telling me whispering while you are at the toilet

Cristina: I was very careful not to go to the toilet while we were with her (Owen breaths out and she gets he is starting to get mad) My mother is a very snob person and she tried to make me the same. But she couldn't as I was a tomboy. I spent the whole day closed in my room to read and study. I hadn't friends and I didn't like to watch tv. And we didn't get along that much. She always attended her stupid club with her stupid friends talking about French and manicure techniques. Do you think I was interested in that crap?

Owen: no

Cristina: so I don't have a lot of things to talk about. I refused to become a member of the country club as I thought it was the most idiot place in the world. And I couldn't help to feel relieved when I finished college and my admittance form was accepted in Yale. That's it (she resumes writing)

Owen: so university was a kind of liberation for you...

Cristina: yes. My personal Id was blank then. I wasn't the daughter of the dad engineer Yang anymore. I was just junior n. 23097 and I could behave like I wanted and do what I wanted.

Owen: do you know that impersonality and anonymity are the main reasons why young people don't get through university?

Cristina: no. And for me they were the reasons I could (she closes her cell and sets it on the table. Owen understands that for her the conversation is over. Her eyes are scanning the room while she sips her coffee lazily. He breaths out and decides to play her game)

Owen: how is mr. Lewis?

Cristina: good. I picked up his exams before the lesson and the enzymes went down. Probably the arythmia was caused by stress and shock. The rhythm was getting normal.

Owen: did you prescribe him anything?

Cristina: just rest for now. I'll talk with dr. Altman later and see if she recommends something different. I don't think though.

Owen: do you think the police can hear him out?

Cristina: why not? He can talk

Owen: his power of speech was not under discussion. If the arythmia was caused by stress don't you think that talking to the police will give him more?

Cristina: more than the fact that he well knows it was his son doing? I don't think so (she takes another sip and then looks at him)

Owen: mrs. Lewis first concern was to find the guy an attorney (Cristina shrugs)

Cristina: anyway... If the symptoms stay the same and the monitoring won't reveal anything new, I think tomorrow Teddy will give her ok for him to go home.

Owen: well it won't be that quick. He had a complicated surgery and the neurological draw is still under examination.

Cristina: Meredith told me the bleeding turned out to be shallow. Once Bailey will clear him, he'll join the perfect family at home.

Owen: Cristina...

Cristina: do you know what is sad in these cases? That man and his wife will minimize their son's actions. They'll define it like a moment of weakness. And they'll forget.

Owen: do you think it's a mistake?

Cristina: don't you? I know you all can think I'm cold and calculator but I'm not. It's just that, unlike you, I think that sometimes people do mistakes and they know exactly what they are doing. And I don't think they regret it after, they regret it as they are caught and they have to face consequences of it. Had he died, do you think his son would confess it was his fault?

Owen: we can't know that

Cristina: you're right. We can't. So you can't blame me if I pick the stay silent and get away with it version. And I don't blame you if you pick the regret and forgive.

Owen: that's who we are

Cristina: right, that's who we are.

Owen: but you think I'm a fool (Cristina sets her empty cup on the table and looks at Owen)

Cristina: do you want to know what I think? I think Sheperd avoided a punch and got a knife at the second try, I think he stood on a podium and said Gary Clark was a good man. He's not a freaking good man. And that boy is not a poor lump who lost his nerve. Forgiveness is a great thing Owen, but you can't sell forgiveness like it's granted or due. It's not. And there's something in that guy which upsets me. Which makes me believe that he'd do it again. It was deliberate, it was quick like kicking a cat. Anyway... Why do you care what I think?

Owen: as I respect your thinking. You don't see stuff like me and I appreciate it.

Cristina: you're pissed

Owen: I'm not. I don't want someone who repeats my words and has my own beliefs and tastes.

Cristina: beliefs... We could work on beliefs maybe but tastes (she gestures with her head to Owen's cup, filled with almost cold barley coffee) ... Seriously... I think you ask too much

* * *

Meredith is adjusting treatments in a closet in the clinic. Brad opens the door and she turns around to see him. She looks a bit surprised to see him there, she sends a quick and worried glare to her pager

Meredith: dr. Brad... Did you page me? (she turns the pager in her hands realizing the screen shows anything, neither missed nor incoming calls)

Brad: no, I was looking for you and I thought you could be here, engaged in the new mission of the hospital (Meredith goes back fixing and setting boxes on the shelves)

Meredith: it's not new and it's not a mission to us. It's the same clinic we used to work in a couple of years ago. And it feels good to be back

Brad: uhm uhm (he gets closer, resting an elbow lazily on a shelf, Meredith tries to ignore the awkwardness filling the space between them). And this is what you do in the clinic?

Meredith: if it's necessary... Dr. Grey took the boxes down this morning but she had no time to assess everything, so that's what I do now. mr. Lewis was fine, I checked his vitals before coming down, pupils were responsive and he was able to follow my instructions. I had already discharged all the patients in the department this morning before we were paged in the ER, post ops were normal... (Brad giggles and Meredith looks at him)

Brad: you know, I wasn't referring to you when I asked if that's what you do here. I see what you're actually doing in front of my eyes. And, for the record, I know you were perfectly efficient this morning. I checked all the charts and saw rooms n. 2308 and 2316 were cleared just after breakfast. And I went visiting mr. Lewis myself. I was speaking about the clinic and the activities you do in here. I took the bother to read Webber's dossier but, really, I couldn't believe my eyes seeing an OBG practicing safe sex with a banana and a condom.

Meredith: showing safe sex... Not doing it. It's quite different. Anyway... A lot of people came in, mostly young couples and even schools. I think we're going to do great with this place. There are a lot of good lectures planned, easy things... Not too complicated. People like simple.

Brad: do you think so?

Meredith: yes... Sloan proposed a lecture about natural ways to keep the skin hydrated and young.

Brad: I guess cosmetic producers will go after his blood

Meredith: maybe... But women will queue to come to listen to him. Then there's Sheperd's lecture about migraine, the first cause of sick leave in the USA last year.

Brad: I can't look forward to hear it

Meredith: and dr. Altman will give a lesson on good feeding to prevent heart diseases.

Brad: outstanding...

Meredith: why do I get the feeling that you're taking fun of me?

Brad: as I am. I read what the next lectures are about. It's just that you looked so enthusiastic that I didn't want to take it from you

Meredith: take what?

Brad: the satisfaction to tell me (Meredith sends him a reprimand look and Brad smiles to her) You look happy today...

Meredith: I'm always happy

Brad: today more. You have a special aura brightening your face

Meredith: I got some good news... And it's just a smile...

Brad: just? Don't you know that people like simple? (Meredith smiles to him and goes back working, Brad makes a step forward). And you? Won't you do any lesson?

Meredith: at the moment residents aren't allowed to do anything but assist.

Brad: and I disagree. it could be a good occasion to have you talk in front of people, to get confidence and courage.

Meredith: tell it to Webber then

Brad: maybe I'll do... I think you could be a good teacher

Meredith: I have nothing to teach

Brad: you said differently this morning in the cafeteria (a chill runs down Meredith's spine perceiving his allusion, she keeps silent) and I would be happy to know your secrets (she snorts avoiding any eye contact)

Meredith: I thought I was pretty clear to you, dr. Brad

Brad: but I wasn't to you (his voice is husky and he rapidly closes the distance between the two of them, he closes his hands around Meredith's wrists and she reacts to the contact. Even if she tries to relieve from his grasp he pulls her towards him)

Meredith: what the hell are you doing? (she pulls violently but his hands are strongly closed around her wrists, so firmly it also hurts)

Brad: what you want me to do (he gets closer and tries to kiss her but she avoids the contact, still fighting with his painful grip)

Meredith: are you crazy or what? (she pulls and even kicks, her eyes are wide in shock and anger, still he gets closer grinning) Let go of me or I'll start screaming

Brad: that's really a good idea (he pulls stronger and a whimper escapes Meredith's throat, she loses balance and he finally kisses her. Even if she fights with all her strength she can't break the kiss. It's Brad who finally pushes her roughly away, Meredith massages her wrists which really hurt, her eyes widen is shock when she realizes he's licking his lips, a grin painting his face) That was really a good entry (Meredith breaths in and out quickly, she can really decide if she is more mad or shocked. And scared. She makes some step to the door, she walks near dr. Brad but when she is over him, he catches her wrist again and pulls her making her turning on her heels. She can't control a little whimper. Brad's face is dangerously close to her lips and she wounds her free hand trying to slap him. He stops her and Meredith gets even more furious realizing he looks amused) wow... You like it rough, don't you? (he forces her hands down her sides and kisses her again) Tomorrow you'll come to me for this. You play the cold and pissed girl but you like this, I see it (Meredith pulls away and he lets her, she goes away slamming the door)

* * *

Bailey enters Webber's office, the door was open but she stops seeing nobody behind the desk.

"He's not here" Derek's voice echoes in the room, she looks to the couch and sees him sitting reading a magazine

Bailey: thank you for pointing that out (she sinks into the couch and Derek sends her an amused look, she catches him in the act). What do you want again? Are you here to complain about the high content of fat in the food? ( Derek answers chuckling and rubbing the thin beard on his cheeks)

Derek: you had a bad day... (he resumes his reading and MIranda rubs his eyes tiredly)

Bailey: why do you say so? It started with an encounter with my lawyer, the first audience for Tuck's custody is in a week (Derek sends her a sympathetic look), a bad case in the OR, a tough discussion about children, I had to tell a woman that her son, her teen ager boy, had deliberately caused an accident to her husband. The police is hearing him out.

Derek: I'm sorry... If there's anything I can do for you...

Bailey: just try not to make tomorrow even worse by dying on my table

Derek: it's not in my plans. But I'll make sure Avery won't cut my neck instead that my stomach (Bailey chuckles looking at Derek)

Bailey: he won't get distracted, I promise.

Derek: you see? I gave you the promise of a very good tomorrow.. Sheperd does magic (he goes back reading and Bailey stirs her neck to spy his magazine)

Bailey: and what are you using your brain for now, you Wizard?

Derek: I've got some plans… (Derek doesn't raise his eyes from the magazine and Bailey looks at him, she waves her hand trying to find the right words)

Bailey: qualify your idea of plans, please

Derek: what?

Bailey: saying you have plans implies a lot of things, some good, some bad. Do I have to think good or bad?

Derek: great… you have to think great (he gives her a look and notices she looks puzzled at him, he closes the review and sets it on the table). Look… I'm here to talk to the chief first. There's nothing decided or anything… (her brown eyes are boring into his and Derek decides to test his ideas. He opens his mouth to speak but words don't come out. Suddenly he feels insecure and a little bit stupid, maybe his arrogance and cockiness are bringing him too far. Maybe it's just the high of success, it's the weightlessness… Bailey is still looking at him and he swallows, he speaks and his voice comes out week and soft) Did you know that Meredith took the test for Alzheimer's gene? (Bailey's features seem to soften considerably, if she is surprised she doesn't show. She looks really concerned)

Bailey: no. Today?

Derek: no (Derek diverts his eyes, the catwalk suddenly looking attractive, the office oppressive), some month ago (he turns to look at her and Miranda sees a great sadness in his eyes, she shakes her head)

Bailey: you know that the fact she's got the gene doesn't mean she'll get sick

Derek: I know. But she… we don't know if she has it or not. I convinced her not to pick up the result. I… I just didn't want to know and… I thought it would be better for her too.

Bailey: it was a wise choice. And why is this bothering you now?

Derek: it's not. But… I feel it like a presence. A constant presence between the two of us. She accepted to humor me but… she's scared. And I want to do something.

Bailey: qualify something

Derek: I'm thinking of a clinical trial.

Bailey: to entertain your girlfriend?

Derek: To cure Alzheimer (Bailey's eyes narrow a little bit)

Bailey: it looks like an ambitious plan

Derek: I know. And crazy too. But I've made some research lately and I found some good starting point.

Bailey: and you're here to ask the chief to give you his approval.

Derek: more or less…

Bailey: he could find hundreds of reasons to say no.

Derek: I know. But I don't fear them. I can face medical skirmish with Richard. And my trial has solid roots, I have studies, I have theories.

Bailey: so why would he say no?

Derek: two reasons I guess. Budget…

Bailey: good reason…

Derek: I can find solution to it, I can find founds and sponsors.

Bailey: this leaves us to… (Derek swallows and stands up, he goes standing in front of the window facing the catwalk and the main hall)

Derek: Richard has a thing for Meredith…

Bailey: he has a thing for you too…

Derek: he had a thing… (he turns around and notices Bailey's curiosity) he knew Ellis Grey… If he took this personally, if he considered this personally, he'd say no.

Bailey: well… I can't say I wouldn't blame him (Derek sighs and Miranda goes on speaking) You are a scientist, Sheperd. You need to be perfectly focused and detached to practice medicine, you need to be even more focused and detached to lead a critical trial. It's a mess, you know that. Details make the difference, maybe Webber could think you wouldn't be able to separate your personal life, your wife from your patients. And seriously… he's got a point

Derek: this is bigger than Meredith and me.

Bailey: I know… would you still think this if you had to choose? (the door opens and Richard enters, he stops surprised to see the two doctors in his office, he closes the door behind his back)

Derek: chief… (Webber walks to his desk, on his way he pats Derek's shoulder, Miranda frowns, she adjusts in her seat)

Richard: what do I owe the pleasure to see my jewels of the crown at the same moment in my office?

Derek: it was a case actually…

Bailey: and to be precise, I'm the jewel.

* * *

Cristina arrives in the locker room, she is whistling, Meredith is sitting on the bench wearing her pants, she looks thoughtful.

Cristina: hey

Meredith: hey

Cristina: what a pissing day… (she takes her clothes out of the locker and sits near Meredith, she takes off her scrub top, the only garment on her bra)

Meredith: awful day I'd say (her voice is low and she keeps her eyes down. Cristina pulls her sweater on looking at her)

Cristina: what happened to you?

Meredith: nothing

Cristina: you were head over feet and I saw you entering an OC room with Derek. Wasn't he on top today? (Meredith gives her a strict look and bends to collect her purse, the sleeve retrieves a bit and Cristina sees a dark bruise on her wrist). Sheperd's an animal… (she chuckles)

Meredith: Cristina…

Cristina: I'm just saying… He has my appreciation though.

Meredith: right

Cristina: what's wrong with you and Owen? You should enjoy the marvel of sex, the new experiences, the hotness… Ok, maybe Derek was a little bit too vehement but… I guess it was worth, right? (Meredith finally gives her smile. She was on the verge of telling Cristina about Brad and the closet but, finally, this wouldn't do any good. She's insecure. Till today she was positive she could keep Brad in control but, after today… she's scared. Brad looked to enjoy the situation, to think she really wanted that. He hurt her, he forced her to kiss him. It was… she wouldn't say it loud as it was exaggerated, she knew, but… she felt violated… raped. She wondered if Derek felt the same when April kissed him. Yeah… he certainly did. What would he do to Brad if he knew? Better not to think of it… nothing he didn't deserve anyway. She'd think how to deal with this later, now she just wanted to go to Joe's and celebrate Derek properly. She'll think to an explanation of those bruises later. Derek certainly would notice during his evening message. She smiles lightly at the thought. Derek had always been full of care and attentions to her. But now she was pregnant… it was even better. He prepared her warm baths, he made her breakfast and in the evening, once in bed, he massaged her for minutes and minutes to wash tiredness and tension away. She was used to his hands, they were kind and strong at the same time. But they had gained a tenderness lately she hadn't known before. Even when he was dead tired it was a ritual he wouldn't give up. That was his way to tell her… well, them… good night. And it was something she couldn't help waiting for. It was the perfect closure of their day. The touch, the contact, the cuddling… and that new look on his face. He looked to her like she was a cathedral, a temple to worship and love. Yeah… sometimes she caught the mischievous , dirty look in his eyes, their look. At first she had been afraid pregnancy would turn her in a satisfied housewife. On the contrary, passion was still the same if not better. The only thing she wanted was to go home and lay in her bed with Derek holding her tight. Brad could disappear. Cristina brought her back from her daydreaming) Earth to Meredith?

Meredith: yeah… sorry. It's just… you know I want to lead the game and this time… I couldn't. But it was an earthquake and it's not the reason why I'm pissed. I saw the police accompanying Tim out before.

Cristina: yeah… Owen told me. But he won't have consequences. People like him never have.

Meredith: maybe you're right.

Cristina: so… (she stands up and Meredith does too) Ready to go and drink our ass off?

Meredith: positive

Cristina: let's go (they take their coats and bags and leave) And I could ask Sheperd to give Owen a lecture on this (Meredith rolls her eyes) ok… ok…

* * *

_Each one's breaking point is like an oasis in the desert._

_At some point you want it, you look for it as you can't stand to keep everything inside._

_But despite this… despite you're ready, you don't know you're there till when you don't start to fume_

* * *

Mark's pager beeps again and he crosses the hall with quick, resolute steps. He turns the corner and Alex joins him, his pager ringing too.

Alex: what's going on? (they hear screams and noise coming from Tracy's room, in front of the door they see the girl is in her bed and Nick is standing in front of her. They go in)

Tracy: so that's what you want, Nick?

Nick: no… it's not. I'm just trying to talk to you and you won't listen

Tracy: I'm listening. And seriously, I don't have a clue where all this comes from. I thought you were happy about the marriage.

Nick: I am happy

Tracy: it doesn't look to me. You have just told me I'm wasting everything.

Nick: I didn't say that

Mark: mrs. Vince

Tracy: just stay out of this (her eyes widen in anger towards Mark and Alex).

Nick: honey

Tracy: leave (Alex looks at Mark and Sloan nods, Karev leaves)

Mark: I get this is a private conversation and I give you the privacy you need. But this is hospital and you can't yell like that. Take your time from everything and slow down, you had a surgery and you're still recovering. I'll be right out if you need anything (he leaves and joins Alex at the nurses station)

Alex: what the hell is going on?

Mark: the guy raised his head. Finally.

Nick: Tracy… I love you, you know I do. I've been sensing this for long and I've decided to tell you.

Tracy: tell me what? That all your friends hate me?

Nick: they don't hate you. They just can't stand you talking and talking about our wedding and your ideologies.

Tracy: it's what I think. I have a right to express what I think.

Nick: nobody says you can't. But there's way and way to do it (the girl snorts and he goes sitting on the bed, he takes her hand in his). You're a beautiful woman, you have principles, you feel the values your parents taught you. But there are people who don't share the same things or, if they do, they had to change their mind… Do you like Andrea and Joelle?

Tracy: of course I do

Nick: well, they have a baby and they aren't married yet. Do you like them less now?

Tracy: no

Nick: it's what I think. I don't want you to forget who you are and where you come from, I just would like you to talk about different things sometimes. You are clever, you have a lot of hobbies. Can't we avoid to talk about morality if others don't bring us in the battlefield?

Tracy: I guess we can

Nick: and you can talk of organization. Girls like to hear about clothes and food and made of honors.

Tracy: just not every day, every dinner, every phone call.

Nick: that's what I wanted to say. I wouldn't do anything differently, love, I promise. I just want other people to know you. You built on a wall and everybody bounces on that. You have so many things to give and say. Don't close yourself in a cliché.

Tracy: ok.

Nick: really?

Tracy: yes. I'm sorry I turned our marriage in a nightmare for you.

Nick: don't be stupid, it's still my dream coming true. And now I'll be able to show my real princess to the world (he gets closer and kisses her, her face rests on his shoulder and he shrugs her back)

Tracy: so… who complained about my manners? (Nick chuckles and breaks the hug, he looks at her)

Nick: nice try

Tracy: what?

Nick: I may be showing you all around but I know you can be a green horrible monster if you want. I'll never tell you who is the traitor

Tracy: I'll figure it out anyway (they kiss again and Alex and Mark look at the two of them)

Mark: you owe me a twenty, Karev (Alex fishes a banknote out of his pants, he sets it in Mark's open palm)

Alex: I really thought he was going to dump her and never look back

Mark: you overestimated the guy's balls.

Alex: I just thought he got to the breaking point (Mark chuckles)

Mark: there's no breaking point with women like that. They just make a pudding with your bones and convince you you're wrong even when you're in the damn right. It's amazing like they always can do that.

Alex: amazing in a horrific way

Mark: see you at Joe's?

Alex: of course (Mark leaves and Alex lingers a moment to look to Nick and Tracy who are still hugging)

* * *

_Sometimes the moment dies before you can experience it._

_You realized you built useless castles in your head._

_Other times… , anger just bubbles up_

* * *

Bailey exits the hospital with Ben. They're holding their hands walking to the parking lot. Suddenly Miranda notices there's a man leaning against her car door. They walk closer and find Tuck waiting for them. She tries to free her hand from Ben's grip but he holds tighter and she can't. He gives her a reassuring squeeze.

Bailey: Tucker… what can I do for you?

Tucker: who's he? (he gives Ben a strict look, despite the harshness in his voice, Ben stretches his hand)

Ben: Ben Warren… nice to meet you (his hand stays limp in the air, Tucker turns back to Bailey)

Tucker: can we talk in private?

Bailey: he can hear whatever you want to tell me.

Tucker: oh… right. My lawyer called me this morning after he talked to yours.

Bailey: and?

Tucker: for a moment he had convinced me it was better to let it go… the appeal for the joined custody (Miranda breaths out) and I came here to tell you. But now (he gives Ben a meaningful and cold look) I realize I was doing a terrible mistake.

Bailey: what do you mean?

Tucker: is this the life you want to give to our son? (Ben feels Bailey tensing, he squeezes her hand)

Bailey: excuse me?

Tucker: how long have you been seeing him in front of my son?

Bailey: it's none of your business. But, for the record, much later you started to date Francine

Tucker: how do you know about her? (Miranda chuckles)

Bailey: relax, I didn't hire a private investigator or stalked you myself. Tuck told me (Tucker looks thoughtful) Oh yes… your son… our son… he may be six but he gets things. You told him she was a babysitter or anything but he got she was your friend. And guess what? He was happy for you. And I was too. I thought maybe you could build yourself a new life with someone closer to your idea of woman and family.

Tucker: and I'm doing it.

Bailey: good to know. So… did you come here to tell me you don't want to give up on Tuck's custody? Fine… We'll meet in the next few days (she makes a step forward with Ben but Tucker doesn't move)

Tucker: if I signed your custody… would you let me see Tuck?

Bailey: how can you think I wouldn't?

Tucker: and let him go camping with me in summer and holidays?

Bailey: every time he wants. You're his father, Tucker. I don't want to find him a new dad.

Tucker: what about him, then? (Bailey keeps silent and Ben looks down at her. She's tensed and he realizes she's fighting anger. He squeezes her hand but she stays silent. When she finally speaks, it's a hiss which comes out of her lips)

Bailey: how do you dare?

Ben: Miranda?

Bailey: how do you dare to judge me or the person I chose?

Tucker: I have every right to do it.

Bailey: no you haven't. You haven't a damn right to do it.

Tucker: you are the people I should allow to raise my son.

Bailey: I'm not people. I'm his mother. And he's my son too. You haven't learnt to come down that damned pedestal, have you? (Tucker chuckles and Bailey gets even more mad) You think you can spend your life judging others. Have you ever tried to build yourself something?

Tucker: here we go again…

Bailey: you've never worked a sole day in your life but you keep telling others how to do their job and how not to do it. I have even felt guilty about that. I thought I had taken something from you, that I had averted you from having a normal life, an occupation or whatever. Now I know you didn't want anything different. You are just able to destroy, to undergo. Now you have to do something on your own and you don't have a damn clue how to do it (her voice in now really high and Ben looks worried between the former husband and wife)

Tucker: are you done?

Bailey: no. I'm not. But I'll shut up as I don't want to make a damn circus in the parking lot.

Tucker: it's a little bit late for that, don't you think? (Bailey looks around and notices some people looking at them, they all look away crossing her look)

Bailey: you want to give up the appeal? Do it. You don't want? Go ahead. Just stay the hell away from me till I remember why and how I fell in love with you. As for now… I'm really questioning my mental health (she pulls Ben behind her and they leave)

* * *

_If it explodes or not… it depends on you._

_Sometimes it's a silent bomb._

_Heavy words without screaming._

_Some say it's what hurts more_

* * *

Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Owen, Mark, Lexie and Alex are sitting at Joe's. The bar is overcrowded, they have empty glasses on their table, others filled and a pot of peanuts Meredith is eating all by herself.

Lexie: so what are we celebrating? (she looks between Derek and Meredith, Sheperd gives a quick warning look to Mark)

Mark: nothing, Lex. Shep wanted to spend a night with friends before Avery cuts him up.

Alex: you're lucky he's not here. The guy can't take a beer without falling on his nose after (he gulps his own beer)

Derek: thank you, Karev.

Mark: you know, man… after teaching these people I can't get why you didn't ask the chief to make the procedure himself…

Derek: Bailey will be there, Mark. And I taught good. So I expect good.

Meredith: the same can't be said for you.

Mark: what do you mean? (she is chewing peanuts and peeling others)

Meredith: interns who worked with you… but Lexie of course… could be great waiters and laundry men (everyone laughs and Mark looks offended)

Mark: that was old Sloan

Meredith: maybe… But new Sloan is recently born so… it's better you take care of yourself till… what's his new intern's name?

Cristina: 3

Meredith: oh come on…

Cristina: what? 3 was assigned to him

Lexie: it's Richards… 3 is Richards

Meredith: so… Richards doesn't get the difference between a suit and a spleen (they all laugh, Alex takes a look around and notices Avery sitting with his grand pa. He swallows and lowers on the table)

Alex: Avery snobs us tonight as grand daddy has blessed him with his presence (Meredith and Cristina straighten up to see)

Cristina: good Avery is here?

Owen: good Avery?

Cristina: the doctor one

Derek: and what is Jackson? A vet?

Cristina: no, otherwise Meredith would have a thing for him (Meredith shows her tongue to Cristina and opens other peanuts). Do you know if he operated here?

Meredith: I didn't see his name on the board today

Alex: the Chief would spread the news everywhere for advertising. He was probably around and paid a visit to baby Avery.

Cristina: maybe you're right. I'd know if he was here to operate.

Owen: how?

Meredith: she'd receive a personal fax and invitation, don't you know that? (everyone laughs and Cristina slaps Meredith's wrist for joke)

Cristina: you bitch! (Meredith was holding her glass, she winces at the contact and let the glass fall on the table)

Owen: Cristina! (he tries to collect the liquid spreading on the table and soaking everything, Derek messages Meredith's hand, she still has a grimace of pain)

Cristina: don't blame me, blame him (she points to Derek and he frowns, Meredith tries to change topic)

Meredith: I'm fine.

Derek: what did I do this time? (Cristina looks at him and he's smiling, relaxed)

Meredith: nothing. You know she blames you for the rain and the sun.

Cristina: don't tell him that or he'll seriously think he's God. Don't be too smug, though. If you think I wouldn't talk of your dirty affairs here… you really don't know me…

Derek: dirty affairs? (he raises a brow and Cristina bends on the table)

Cristina: the way you did her hands. You were too taken in the aftermath to even realize she was all beaten up, weren't you? (Meredith is playing nervously with her sleeves, Derek looks at Cristina not knowing what she's talking about. She on the contrary believes he's embarrassed and chuckles) Don't worry. She said it was worth (she turns around to take a look in the bar and Derek looks at Meredith, his eyes cast down on her wrists and, while she plays with the sweater, he has the chance to take a quick glance to a bruise darkening her skin. He stops her hand and tries to pull the wristband on. She stops him)

Meredith: Derek, please (her voice is shaking and this worries him even more. He wins her resistance and raises her sleeves discovering long, dark signs on her wrists and forearms. Even the others look at them and Cristina laughs and pats Owen's shoulder)

Cristina: and you complain about me?

Derek: what happened? (he looks to Meredith who's biting her lower lip)

Cristina: sex Sheperd. Dirty On Call Room, today. Have you really forgotten? (Owen notices the tension of the situation and takes Cristina's hand) What? (she looks at Owen who lowers his eyes and then to Meredith and Derek) Oh…

Derek: Meredith…

Meredith: it's nothing. I was adjusting stuff in a closet and boxes fell on me. Seriously, I'm good (Derek passes his fingers delicately on Meredith's arms)

Derek: it looks like someone hold you (he looks up and Meredith is on the verge of crying. Derek searches her eyes trying to get why she doesn't talk to him. And then reality strikes. He lets go of Meredith's hands and sinks against the backrest of his chair)

Meredith: Derek… it's nothing (he's shaking his head in disbelief)

Derek: that son of a bitch (he stands up and storms out of the bar)

Owen: Sheperd!

Meredith: you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?

Cristina: what? (Owen stands up with Mark) What the hell is going on? (Meredith stands up too) Where are you going?

Meredith: looking for Derek before he kills him (she takes her coat and goes out with Owen and Mark)

* * *

_Breaking point…_

_End of transmissions…_

_Wide rage…_

* * *

Derek exits the bar and chills, he has forgotten his coat in the bar but he has no idea to go back. Anger is walking for him now. He searches the parking lot till he notices a familiar frame near a car. He gets closer quickly.

Derek: Brad (the surgeon turns around, before he has the time to even say a word Derek hits him on the jaw. Brad recoils against the car, standing only for its support, a hand on his face)

Brad: what the hell… (he turns around and Derek takes him by his collar with both hands. Owen and Mark are looking for him from the exit bar, they hear a noise and locate Derek)

Mark: crap… (they run in their direction)

Derek: I talked to you once and I thought I was pretty clear, wasn't I? (he shakes Brad violently) I told you to stay the hell away from my wife but you just couldn't…

Brad: what the hell are you talking about?

Derek: just shut up before I really hurt you (he jerks him again) You're a coward and a bastard. You like to feel the power and the control, right? (Mark and Owen arrives behind Derek out of breath, Meredith joins them too)

Meredith: Derek!

Derek: this is your last call, Brad. If you lay a hand on my wife again or if you lay a hand on someone else's wife again I swear to God this punch would fell like a caress in compare (Owen and Mark take Derek off Brad. Greg messages his face and then searches his hand for blood. His fingers and lightly red and he feels his lower lip bleeding)

Brad: how do you dare? (Derek's face hardens in anger once more but Owen stops him before he can approach Brad again. He restrains his shoulders)

Owen: Derek, he's not worth (Derek frees his hands pulling and Meredith gets closer, she touches his forearm to calm him down)

Brad: she wasn't worth (a bubble of anger explodes in Derek's chest, he tries to block it down but it's too strong. He feels it in his throat, a heavy ball which won't go up or down. He turns around and before Owen or Mark can get his intentions, he hits Brad's jaw again, knocking him down. Despite their college is on the ground, anyone moves to help him). You know… I think you can say farewell to your job, Sheperd… (he leans on the car to face Derek from the ground. A nervous chuckle escapes Derek's mouth)

Derek: do you think I care about it right now?

Brad: you should

Derek: no, I shouldn't and I don't. And you wouldn't do either. As you're the only one who harassed a resident and… (he forces the word out of his throat) hurt her. Which bastard does that? You can't take a no as an answer, can you? You behave like a latin lover but you're so damned wrong. You have to use the force to kiss a woman. You really have to be proud of that. So… now we have pointed out who you are, let's be clear on two things (he makes a step forward, Owen tries to stop him but Derek gets free from his grip). I was not kidding on what I said before… you touch my wife again, even for giving her a chart or anything, and you're dead. I pray for you those bruises it's all she has because I could even not wait for the next time, you're an animal and a sociopath and I'll treat you like that. Do I make myself clear? (Brad is looking to him serious now, his grin has disappeared quickly and he's pondering his chances, he swallows without answering) Did I make myself clear? (Meredith flinches as his voice is high and commending)

Brad: yes

Derek: as it comes to my work, tomorrow I will tell Webber I want to take the Head of the Department back, immediate effect. I will watch you, Brad. You'll have my breath on your neck every day, every second, everywhere. I won't take what happened in the hospital, not for you, but for my wife. I expect your resignation on my desk tomorrow or I'll make personally sure your life here will be a living hell for the next two months. Take this as your goodbye party (he turns around and folds Meredith's shoulders with an arm. He nods to Mark and Owen and they all leave Brad, still sit on the ground)

* * *

_Mummy taught you not to use hands, not to call names._

_But when it's time… it's time_

* * *

Owen and Cristina enter their apartment. He snorts turning on the light, his coat flies on a chair.

Cristina: I really wanted to see Sheperd kicking his ass (they both sink on the sofa) Better.. I wanted to take part to the kicking.

Owen: it was better this way (he rubs his eyes tiredly)

Cristina: yeah… men always take the fun for them

Owen: it was everything but funny (he leans the head to the pillow looking up) There was a moment I really thought… I thought Derek could lose control…

Cristina: Sheperd never loses control. He yells… a lot, but he never loses control.

Owen: you didn't see him there

Cristina: no, but I guess he went in Meredith-is-in-danger mode… better…. You-hurt-my-wife mode

Owen: who wouldn't?

Cristina: you'd beat the crap out of someone for me?

Owen: of course I would. If Brad did that to you… Derek was even too nice (Cristina grins and jumps on Hunt's knees, she closes her arms behind his neck and kisses him)

Cristina: have I ever told you how hot you are when you're pissed? (she licks his lips sensually and Owen closes his eyes, Cristina grins feeling his pants tensing under her, she attacks his neck but Owen opens his eyes and stands up lifting her) Hey… you want to go to the bedroom? (she keeps kissing him but suddenly he sets her down and stops her hands)

Owen: I can't do this anymore

Cristina: sure you can (she tries to kiss him again but he stops her)

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: what? (she looks up, her lips still swollen from the hot kisses)

Owen: I want to talk to you… I want us to talk

Cristina: and we'll talk (her hands snakes under his shirt, her fingers playing with his navel)

Owen: no (he takes her wrist and walks away, Cristina is bewildered. Owen rakes a hand through his hair and stops near the door, leaning on it). It's since that dinner with Derek and Meredith that you're avoiding me.

Cristina: avoiding you? I've spent the last days on top of you. Were you too out to remember?

Owen: don't play with me, Cristina. I know that's your way to avoid the speech we should do. Do you want kids or not?

Cristina: excuse me?

Owen: do you want kids or not? It's a simple question. Yes or no, in or out, take or leave.

Cristina: it's not so easy

Owen: it is. I am not asking if you want them now, I know it would be bad timing. I'm asking you if, in the future, in your future with me, you are considering the idea of kids (Cristina sits on the couch, head in her hands)

Cristina: you don't have any idea of what you're asking me (Owen sits near her)

Owen: is it for your abortion? (Cristina looks at him, her eyes are lucid and Owen takes her hand)

Cristina: I can have kids if it's what you're asking

Owen: I wasn't asking that

Cristina: I'm a surgeon, Owen. The only thing I wanted in my life was holding a scalpel and do surgeries. Then Burke came, he got me pregnant and left me, we got back together and he left me on the altar.

Owen: and you're scared I could leave you?

Cristina: I'm scared I could take into consideration the idea of changing my priorities for someone who could just disappear in thin air. I don't want a baby, Owen. Not for myself.

Owen: so what?

Cristina: do we have to talk about this now? (she stands up and walks through the room just to do something)

Owen: when do you want to discuss it? When we're married and someone gets really hurt?

Cristina: what do you mean?

Owen: people break up for stuff like this.

Cristina: excuse me?

Owen: wanting or not wanting kids is not like changing couch or moving in another place. This decision is life changing. And I'd like to know if you have preclusions of this kind.

Cristina: so if I don't want a kid with you you'll leave me?

Owen: I'm not saying that

Cristina: oh yes… oh yes instead (her voice is shaking but Owen can clearly see the anger in Cristina's eyes). How could I be so stupid? (Owen stands up to face her, hands on his sides, he tries to catch her arm but she answers hitting his chest) You are all the same. You say good things and make promises but you're so the damned ready to call yourself out if something puts at stake your career or your idea of perfect family. You are an hypocrite

Owen: it's not like that

Cristina: no? And what is like? Is it like you're going to love me anyway? Let's make a try… I don't want kids. I don't want anything which can interfere with my career. So… take or leave, Owen?

Owen: you've got to be kidding (he makes a step towards the bedroom but she takes his wrist and holds him tight)

Cristina: yes or no? (he pulls and she lets him go)

Owen: you can't do that… You can't manipulate me and use me like an object and then ambush me in this…

Cristina: but you can corner me and ask me if I want your stupid babies (Owen shakes his head in disbelief)

Owen: I wanted to talk to you. Have you ever done this with your partner… talking?

Cristina: not if it was not necessary. And this was totally unnecessary now.

Owen: so you want me to buy that you were going to face the topic by yourself?

Cristina: when it would be proper, yes.

Owen: determine your idea of proper, Cristina (she keeps silent and Owen chuckles) You see? You are not able to face topics as you're emotively immature, you think that to round the obstacle is the better way to find a solution but it's not like that. I could face you, I could face your determination and decision, really… I could. But what freaks me out is that you use your body not to use your heart. And you're my fiancé and I want you to speak to me from your heart. There's nothing you can't say to me, you should know by now.

Cristina: apparently there's something

Owen: I didn't want to corner you, Cristina. But you did. You did corner yourself and me too (he walks quickly to his bedroom and Cristina follows him, he's picking up his stuff)

Cristina: what are you doing?

Owen: I'm going out. We'll end up making sex and… I don't want that (he leaves, she stays in the bedroom and hears the door closing behind his back)

* * *

_Our best techniques sometimes don't suit the occasion._

_We pushed our luck too far and the consequences are there… lingering in the air_

* * *

Meredith and Derek are in the kitchen. Derek is taking medical stuff off a closet, Meredith is sitting at the counter. There's a heavy silence filling the room, the only noise the shutters opening and closing. Meredith follows Derek with her eyes, she can clearly see the stiffness of his movements, the nervousness radiating from his frame. All his muscles are tensed. He sits in front of her and gasps seeing her arms. He diverts his eyes opening a bottle of cream and dry ice.

Meredith: Derek… please… tell me something

Derek: I'm too mad to talk right now, Mer. I'm sorry

Meredith: you have a right to be mad at me, I know

Derek: mad at you? Why? (their eyes meet and Meredith gets sadness and tiredness)

Meredith: I had to be more careful with him. You told me and I… I didn't think he could go that far

Derek: I didn't either (he sets ice on her arms and Meredith whimpers. She lowers her eyes and sees a bruise on one of Derek's knuckles)

Meredith: you should put ice on that too

Derek: I'm fine (Meredith giggles) And finally my hand will be surely better than his face. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. The fact he touched you just…

Meredith: I know. Do you think he'll report to Webber?

Derek: he would be a fool if he did. But we can never let the guard down with animals like that (he sighs and Meredith realizes he looks awful)

Meredith: I'm sorry, Derek

Derek: stop saying that… it wasn't your fault… It's my fault

Meredith: what?

Derek: I had to do something before. He told me he was attracted by you. But you looked so sure to be able to control him, I didn't want to interfere in your work and I thought that maybe I was too jealous to be rational. If I had an idea of what he was planning…

Meredith: nothing could have. I said him clearly I didn't want to have anything to do with him. Even when he entered that room today I had no idea. We were talking normally and then he started doing the flirting thing and I tried to go away.

Derek: and he stopped you… (Meredith nods) I had promised myself not to let this happen ever again

Meredith: what?

Derek: it was my fault, Meredith

Meredith: why do you keep saying that?

Derek: I let him space to doubt of me, of my feelings. It's what happened with my sisters. And I had sworn not to let it happen again. I… the world should know how much I love you. You should know.

Meredith: I do know

Derek: but it's not enough, Mer. I thought it was but I was wrong. Every time I'll have an accident there will be someone telling you to go away, there will be a Brad telling you this baby has no father. Our post it is perfect but it doesn't protect you from the world, from stupidity, from the prejudices of other people, it doesn't protect you from the laws of this country.

Meredith: I don't give a crap of… (Derek jumps on his feet)

Derek: I do. And I won't let anyone treat you again like this

Meredith: so? (she frowns seeing Derek getting down on one knee) Derek?

Derek: I knew I promised not to get down on one knee… I know I promised not to pop the question. I love you, Meredith. I love you more than ever and I want to spend the rest of my life with you… the all of you (he touches her belly).

Meredith: I do too

Derek: will you marry me then? (Meredith's mouth opens in shock) I don't have a ring to give you, not another at least… This wasn't planned… I planned it a lot of time ago and then I never ended up like this. Please, Meredith (she pulls his hand and he stands up, his hand still in hers)

Meredith: you don't need to beg me (she giggles and Derek relaxes, he smiles)

Derek: I was not

Meredith: you so were (he pulls her standing and she closes her arms around his waist) I like begging Derek… (he kisses her deeply and she moans)

Derek: I'm not the one who begs usually. So what's your affirmative answer? (Meredith giggles and Derek rocks her)

Meredith: I might say yes

Derek: I love you (he kisses her neck and he feels her chilling, he strokes her sides and Meredith tries to stop his fingers)

Meredith: Derek…

Derek: what? (she can't see his face but she can bet he's smiling)

Meredith: I… (he straddles his groin against her and she clearly feels his arousal, he moves her hair to the side and attacks her neck)

Derek: what? (his hot breath tickles her skin and she moans again)

Meredith: please…

Derek: who is begging now?

Meredith: screw your pride. You won, just make love to me, now (their eyes meet and he lifts her carrying her up the stairs to their bedroom)

* * *

_But there's a great thing in breaking points._

_They clear the space, they erase the background._

_And you can start new_


	38. IN HEALTH AND SICKNESS

I know it was long time ago...

But I'm still in this.

I mean to close this fic with two great events: the trial affaire and, of course, McBaby's birth.

I'll try to be quicker next time (but I can't promise you anything).

Let me know you're still with me!

* * *

_There are words you simply dream all over your life._

_You imagine how they would sound on your tongue, you study how to utter them._

_And they never come._

_Because you learn that many times life is much more than a hallmark, is much more than a church full of people waiting for your tears, it's much more than a good party and some fancy dress._

_Happiness can be wherever you are, it can be simple and routinist . _

_It can be now and really forever._

_And forever… well… it's up to you to find a way to express it._

* * *

Derek takes Meredith's hand in the parking lot and pulls her to the entrance smiling.

Meredith: Der… are you sure about it?

Derek: I am

He gives her another shiny smile and keeps walking to the doors.

Meredith: Don't you think to your mother and sisters? They'll freak out…

Derek stops and turns around, taking her cheeks in his hands.

Derek: The only thing I want is making you happy… Don't you want it?

Meredith: I do…

Derek: So don't worry about my family, Mer. This was our first plan. If you really want to do it… let's just do it

Meredith: ok

Derek kisses Meredith's lips and they enter the hospital; Cristina, Lexie and Mark are there waiting. Sloan looks surprised to see Derek so happy.

Mark: Hey man… what's going on?

Derek: nothing… we just needed your help

Mark: has it something to do with Brad again?

Derek: no (Derek smiles, they are in front of the elevator and he pushes the button) And please, don't mention him ever again in front of me.

Mark: so what?

Derek: wait and see (the elevator opens and they all step in, Derek looks at Meredith and she nods, Derek gets he has to tell them something). I'm sorry I kicked you out of bed so early but we agreed to do something before my surgery and… I needed your help.

Lexie: ok but… I mean… is it legal? We're sneaking though the hospital and we don't even know where we're heading.

Meredith: wait and see, Lex. You're anything to worry about.

The elevator opens and Meredith and Derek walks out, hand in hand. The others look surprised as they don't recognize the floor.

Cristina: where the hell are we?

Mark: it looks like the basement…

Meredith and Derek: it's not

Leixe: but there's nothing down here, guys. Just archives and… (she stops in the hallway and Mark bumps into her)

Mark: what are you doing?

Lexie: oh my God… oh my God…

Mark: what's wrong?

Lexie: we are… they are… (Mark looks at her like she has driven crazy, Derek and Meredith has disappeared behind a corner and Lexie and Mark follow them quickly. Mark stops when he arrives in front of the chapel's door. Lexie enters and hugs her sister tightly. Cristina looks confused)

Cristina: why are we here? Do you want us to pray all together before your surgery?

Derek looks at Meredith, their eyes shine with joy and excitement.

Derek: actually…

He can't finish his sentence that a voice coming from the isle stops them.

Man: Derek… Meredith…

Cristina looks at the man, a frown on her face realizing he's a priest.

Priest: I supposed these are your brides and groomsmen…

Cristina: bridesman?

Meredith: bridesman

Priest: ok. Let's get you married then (the man turns around and Meredith and Derek follow him)

* * *

An hour later Derek, Meredith, Cristina, Lexie and Mark are in the elevator. Derek and Meredith are kissing passionately, Cristina is in a corner, pretending not to hear sounds and moans. Lexie and Mark look amused.

Mark: you're better to enjoy the moment as Mum will kill you when I drop the bomb.

(Mark doesn't get any answer or reaction and takes a look to Derek and Meredith, who are still sealed in a kiss)

Lexie: he's really enjoying the moment

Cristina: she's acting like his personal ventilator…

Mark: you could do that in the OR, Grey. Bailey would let you.

Finally Derek and Meredith part, giggling.

Meredith: but I think the ECG would go on the roof

Cristina: not to talk about Little Derek

Meredith: Big Derek…

Derek: thank you, wife (he kisses her cheek and Cristina rolls her eyes)

Cristina: you're really in the part, Mer, aren't you?

Meredith: totally (she feels Derek's hand on the small of her back and turns around. When their eyes meet, Derek claims her lips once more. The elevator doors open and all the others step out)

Mark: we let you to your honey moon… two floors to go

(the doors close again and Derek breaks the kiss, a little out of breath. He strokes Meredith's cheeks, blushed for excitement)

Derek: finally we got rid of them

Meredith: did you see their faces?

Derek: Lexie looked like a girl at the playground …

Meredith: yeah… I was happy she was there

Derek: Cristina looked weird…

Meredith: but I think it has nothing to do with us…

Derek: Owen told me something yesterday…

Meredith: I'll talk to her later… Let's not waste the remains of our honey moon

Derek: ok (she closes her hands around his neck and they lock in a passionate kiss. When the doors open, Richard and Bailey, already in their labcoat, take in the intimate scene in front of them. Apparently the sound on the elevator getting to the floor didn't reach the lover's ears. Webber clears his throat to get some attention and finally Derek and Meredith part. Sheperd give them a bright smile) Good morning.

Richard: good morning to you

Meredith: it really is

Bailey: good for you, Grey. Can you get off the elevator now? There are doctors who have to work here. And you had plenty of time to do what you had… to do.

Meredith: the night was too short (her eyes lock with Derek's)

Derek: And the morning too (he kisses her and Richard rolls his eyes)

Bailey: I thought I recommended you to have a quiet evening.

Derek: the evening was really quiet…

Bailey: you'd better not to strike out on my table, Sheperd. You're not twenty anymore.

Derek: don't worry, Bailey. I won't (he strokes Meredith's cheek and Richard notices the bruise on his hand)

Richard: what happened to your hand? (Webber sees how Meredith's face gets serious)

Derek: nothing… just a domestic accident… We leave you the elevator now… See you in a while, Bailey (they walk away and Bailey and Richard get into the elevator)

Bailey: those two made something…

Richard: no need to point that out, Bailey

Bailey: not … that. I mean… never mind (the elevator stops and opens and Brad steps in. Bailey's and Webber's face drop seeing the dark bruise on his face)

Bailey: what happened to you?

Brad: nothing… a domestic accident.

Bailey: hum hum (the rest of the ride runs silently, the elevator joins the surgical floor and they took different directions) Why do I think that their domestic accidents are somehow related?

Richard: because you think too much

Bailey: I go to practice medicine then

* * *

Cristina is walking down the hallway and Meredith jumps behind her back, startling her.

Meredith: hey!

Cristina: hey

Cristina turns around to take a glimpse of her friend, Meredith is smiling brightly, she seems to radiate happiness from every pore. Her state of mind crushes against Cristina's, whose face is a mask of sadness and seriousness.

Cristina: fall from the sky, Mer.

Meredith: I know… I'm sorry… but I can't help smiling

Cristina: don't worry. It will last some day, then you'll be back to dark and twisty days

Meredith: Cristina… aren't you happy for me?

Cristina: of course I am. But that doesn't take away I'm realist and my feet are solidly on the ground.

Meredith: so you think Derek is going to hurt me or make me unhappy?

Cristina: I didn't say that

Meredith: you implied it… (Meredith takes Cristina's hand and Yang turns on her heels) What's wrong with you?

Cristina: nothing, I'm… (she gets free of Meredith's hand and looks away) I'm sorry, Mer. I'm really happy for you and Derek, really. And I think you'll be very happy. I wish the both of you that.

Meredith: really?

Cristina: yes (she smiles and Meredith can see she's true and sincerely happy for her)

Meredith: did you fight with Owen?

Cristina felt embarrassed to admit it, Meredith had warned her several times, the last just the previous day. And she was right. Apparently Meredith Grey had grown wiser when it came to sentimental relationships. She had grown adult and the marriage occurred in the morning was a clear proof of that. She didn't run anymore, she faced problems, she was going to pop out a baby in some weeks, to raise him or her the best she could. And Cristina was sure she would do great. She had found her balance, she had found the love of her life. And Cristina had no problem admitting Sheperd had played magic, he had given Meredith everything she needed, day by day, pulling and pushing where there was need, waiting and being patient when it was time for it. He had been able to get her fears and give her support, following her in the darkest places of her youth, accepting the worst mistakes she had made without judging. And she had changed for him. Would she ever been able to do the same for Owen? Did she love him enough to do it? Cristina slapped herself metaphorically, she wasn't even trying to do it. Not because what he wanted was out of reason, but as she found pissing he didn't surrender to her wishes immediately. He had dared to ask and she felt childish as she was making him pay for it. Meredith touched her arm and Cristina focused on her last question.

Cristina: yes… we had a bad fight after going home

Meredith: about the baby affaire?

Cristina: yeah…

Meredith: I'm sorry

Cristina: don't be. I'll figure something out

Meredith: like what?

Cristina: like I'll think about it and talk to Owen clearly. If he gets it, fine. If he doesn't… fine anyway.

She shrugs and Meredith sees through her doubts and fears.

Meredith: do you want me to talk to him?

Cristina: no, stay out of this, Mer. You were right, I had to face the topic before. Now the last thing I need is outside interfering. Seriously… I'll sort it out. Now just go to your groom before Avery cuts him up.

Meredith: are you sure?

Cristina: go… walk away. Spread joy elsewhere

Cristina starts to walk down the hallway and Meredith turns on her heels. When she's midway Brad approaches her.

Brad: morning dr. Grey (she rolls her eyes and pretends not to see him). Come on… are you still pissed for yesterday?

Grey: no. Have you already written your demission letter?

Brad: I have no idea to do it.

Grey: bad for you. Just leave me alone if you want to survive.

Brad is about to speak but someone grips his shoulder from behind. He has to stop and turns around and finds Hunt in front of him. He looks at him from upside down, contempt evident in his look.

Brad: can I help you, dr. Hunt?

Hunt: no, but you can help yourself staying far from her, unless you want me to ruin your other side (Owen gets closer to Brad threateningly)

Brad: I think that's none of your business

Hunt: I can decide on my own whose business is mine or not. Move

Greg takers another look to Owen and Meredith and then leaves, Hunt snorts.

Meredith: I could take him… really

Hunt: I know. But I was hoping he would bring me to punch his face (Meredith giggles)

Meredith: seriously?

Hunt: yeah… is Derek ok? I know you came in here early this morning…

Meredith: yeah… we did. But it was not for surgery

Hunt: no? What for then?

Meredith: well… I hope you won't get offended but… we got married in the chapel.

Hunt: what?

Meredith: it was time and it looked funny to do it here so… I called Cristina to have her as my witness and you weren't there so… we were in a hurry… I… (Owen surprisingly hugs Meredith patting her shoulder, she looks really surprised)

Hunt: my best wishes, Meredith.

Meredith: thank you…

Hunt: I'll go to give them to Derek too

Meredith: ok… and… please… don't…

She shrugs and Owen gets what she wants to say.

Hunt: don't worry, I won't tell him about that ass. But hoot if he dares to give it another try.

Meredith: I'll do it, thank you.

* * *

Derek is setting his stuff into a closet in his hospital room.

He has changed into his pyjama.

Richard has been nice to him even this time, he has a big, private room with every comfort he could wish. He arranges the last items and takes a dossier from his briefcase, sitting on the bed and opening it. His eyes scans the pages quickly, flipping them from time to time.

He is interrupted when the door opens, Bailey and Avery entering the room.

Derek: morning

Avery: dr. Sheperd…

Bailey: what are you doing?

Derek: killing the time

He closes the dossier and leans it on the nightstand, Miranda approaches and takes a look at it.

Bailey: "Trial project – Alzheimer's treatment" (she diverts her eyes and looks at Derek) you are doing seriously then…

Derek: of course I am. Do I ever joke on work?

Bailey: no

Derek: the project is ready, I have founds. Richard will need courage to tell me no (he pats on the cover and smiles to Bailey)

Bailey: right…. So… let's get rid of this procedure so that we can let you to your big plans (she opens his chart and starts to write notes on it). Did you pick up the labs, dr. Avery?

Avery: yes, there's a small evidence of infection to the airways but it can be the aftermath of the fever the patient suffered last week.

Bailey: fever today?

Avery: no, sir

Bailey: leukocytes?

Avery: 100

Bailey: pretty low…

Avery: the value has been steady from the…. accident… on

Bailey: ok, so?

Avery: I'll prep mr. Sheperd for surgery, we'll give a local injection once in the OR.

Bailey: good (Bailey handles him the chart)

Derek: actually… I… (both doctors look at him and Derek swallows) hum…

Bailey: you? (Derek looks at her without speaking and she prompts him) What? Do you want to practice surgery on yourself? (Derek rolls his eyes)

Derek: I wanted to ask if it's possible to do it under general

Bailey: why?

Derek: I'd feel more comfortable

Bailey: it's stupid. Care to explain him the implications of it, Avery?

Derek: I do know the implications

Bailey: dr. Avery, please?

Avery: general anesthesia would imply a longer preparation, intubation, cauterization, some day stay in hospital …

Bailey: not to mention the impact on your weakened body. It would be a huge stress.

Derek: I know, but I have to insist.

Bailey: insist telling me more than this. Where's the trick?

Derek: there's none. Look… it may be look nothing to you. But it would be quite difficult to stay calm and still having someone with a knife over me…

Bailey freezes and Avery's eyes narrow. He looks to Bailey and sees her awkwardness. He picks up the chart.

Avery: I go to see if the OR is ready (he leaves and Derek strokes his eyes)

Derek: I'm sorry… I didn't want to screw up or anything but… I feel like this now (he breaths out and looks up)

Bailey: you could talk about it before…

Derek giggles and Miranda is taken aback.

Derek: Bailey… it took me three session of psych to say it loud and seriously… I like Avery, he's a nice guy. But saying this stuff to a guy I'm going to give orders to in five days… it's not that easy.

Bailey: I know. And I'm sorry I didn't think about it.

Derek: that's not your fault.

Bailey: right… I'm going to tell Avery. We'll pick you up half an hour later, ok?

Derek: thank you

Bailey left the room, breathing out once closed the door. She slapped herself mentally. She had been stupid and ignored a delicate aspect of this procedure, probably the main aspect. How could that be? Answers were many and none at the same time. The procedure had been postponed twice, for different reasons. She had lost focus on it, on the case, on everything. Having Sheperd back in the staff had modified her way to see him. From patient he had become college again, self confident, arrogant, cocky. All the things she hated about him. Fragility had disappeared, outside at least. But deep inside it was far from healing. And her personal problems had played a big role in her misjudgment, she had been distracted and uncaring. If Derek had found the courage and dignity to express his fears out loud, it meant they were really difficult to treat. Not that she could blame him. A local procedure with the patient awake was not for weak hearts, Bailey had never experienced it personally, but she tried to avoid it every time she could. This time… she had made a horrible mistake. Derek was a surgeon, he knew how it would look like, he knew how the OR would be. She thought he would feel comfortable, but he didn't. All the pros looked so lame now the cons blew on her face. And she felt ashamed too. Derek was a good friend, apparently she had misread him totally this time. She paged Avery and set Sheperd's chart on the desk, sighing.

"Dr. Bailey…"

Meredith's sweet voice took her out of her thinking. Bailey raised her eyes and met her resident. Lucky her… she was smiling.

Bailey: yes, dr. Grey…..

Meredith: is Derek ready? Everything's good?

Bailey lingered a moment looking in her eyes and Meredith frowned. She got something was not so good.

Meredith: what?

Bailey: he has just asked me to go under general

Meredith: what? Why? I mean… it's longer stay after, nasty preparation. Why would he do that?

Bailey: as he feels better to do it that way

Meredith: and do you agree?

Bailey: why would I not?

Meredith: he had a fever last week

Bailey: he has none now.

Meredith: it would be the third anesthesia in a short time

Bailey: true

Meredith: his lungs don't work properly yet

Bailey: true

Meredith: so why doing it?

Bailey: it's up to him to tell you, Grey.

Meredith stared into her boss' eyes, there was no reproach, just concern. Apparently Derek had said something which had convinced Bailey to change their plans. There was nothing medically wrong with him, nothing new at least. Probably he had made a confidence or whatever. Bailey closed the chart and looked at her, probably expecting a question or a debate.

Meredith: can I prep him at least?

Bailey: excuse me?

Meredith foresaw the you're-a-relative-no-doctor line. But what she wanted had nothing to do with medicine. It was a wife thing.

Meredith: dr. Bailey… I know I'm a relative and I won't be in that OR if you say no. But… can I least shave him, prep him? He'll need a catheter, a surgical gown and I don't think dr. Avery will think I'm stealing something from him.

Avery: I'm thinking what?

Meredith turned around and saw Jackson. He was a nice guy and they liked each other. She spoke before Bailey could do it.

Meredith: dr. Bailey told me there was a change of plan in Derek's surgery. And I'm fine with it if you believe it's better for him.

Avery: but?

Meredith: I'd feel more comfortable and I guess Derek will be too if I could prep him.

Jackson's face was blank and expressionless and Meredith thought for a second he could be pissed from her interference.

Meredith: I don't want to steal your surgery and breath on your neck, Jackson. That's my husband… it's just for his comfort.

Avery: I get it and there's nothing wrong for me.

He smiled and Meredith's face softened. He looked over her shoulder to Bailey.

Avery: dr. Bailey?

Bailey: it's your case dr. Avery. Everything you decide is fine for me.

Avery: ok then

Meredith: thank you. I'll see you in the OR

Avery nodded and Meredith walked away. Bailey sent him a quick glare and Jackson couldn't understand if she was happy or pissed. There was nothing wrong in what they had agreed. Ok… it was not a habit to have relatives work on each other but this wasn't surgery, it was just a preparation. Adjusting patients for surgery was one thing, breaking the privacy of one of his attendings another. And the truth was that he felt relieved. Sheperd's outburst had broken a shadow on his case, Avery had lived it from outside, getting confidences from all the people who had worked on it. Difficult stuff mostly, medical. Now it was his turn and he started to feel the pressure. He needed to know he hadn't done wrong.

Avery: had I to say no?

Bailey: it's your case, Avery.

Avery: I know but… I mean… she's his wife… He'd feel better to have her around.

Bailey: maybe… I don't know. But I'd do the same. See you later

* * *

Teddy enters Henry's room. He looks asleep and she sighs seeing how pale he looks. His skin has turned into a yellowish grade, sign of the tough surgery endured and of his kidneys giving out. She sits in the chair near the bed and takes a long look to his sleeping face.

The first thing she had been attracted from was his childish face, he looked much younger than he was despite the illness and the tiredness caused by long months spent in random hospitals. And, what had captured Teddy's attention, he was always smiling, there was a permanent expression of joy lightening his beautiful features.

Dr. Altman had know thousands of patients, she had known hell and back and Iraq, but she had never met a man who lived his condition with so much dignity and cheerfulness. Many could say he had nothing else to do but… it was short talking. There was much else in this guy, he didn't play and joke out of a role, he believed in that, he was that. And Teddy had felt for him from the very beginning, she felt that, if life hadn't been a bitch to him and they had met elsewhere, they could be husband and wife anyway.

He was good looking, smart, nice, everything she had always looked for in a man. And never found. After the failure in the attempt to take Owen back, she had stopped to think for a second. Her sentimental life had been a mess. Since the moment she fell for her best friend and never had the courage to say it loud, everything had spin out of control. She had been living a lie for months… years maybe and the woman she was now had nothing to do with the girl she was five years ago.

She was a successful surgeon, she had friends, but sometimes she felt horribly empty. She had tried to fill this space with sex, Mark Sloan had been a good way to do it. But despite the sweetness of the moments they had shared together, the crazy sex, she had no intention to turn herself into a whore who screwed left and right. With Andy things had gone bad but… she was still positive she would find someone. Maybe this someone had her ring on his finger already. Maybe things could go on reverse this time. First getting married, second getting to know each other, third loving each other.

She knew it was stupid, she knew she was stupid to believe Henry could love her back. But there was a strong connection between the two of them, the feeling which had brought her in his room even though it was not necessary. He sighed and Teddy realized he was waking up. She set his chart on the table and smiled, she wanted to be sure the first thing he saw was her smiling friend and not his doctor. His hand touched the cannula in his nose and he turned around, a frown on his face realizing he was not alone.

Teddy: "Hey"

Henry: "Hey… I'm sorry…"

Teddy: "about what?"

Henry: "Rummaging in my nose right in front of you… It's not really polite"

Teddy giggled, Henry had a thin sense of humor and could get her laugh every time he wanted. She saw him stretching his upper lips moving his nose as a consequence. Probably the cannula was bothering him.

Teddy: "It must be a pain in the ass I guess"

Henry: "yeah… more like a pain everywhere… Dr. Webber didn't tell me anything about pulling it out"

Teddy: "He needs to be sure your intestine and kidneys started working again. Trust me, you don't want them to insert that cannula back inside while awake"

Henry: "That's for sure. The problem is that, taking in my new skin color, it's not going to happen soon"

Teddy: "Don't say that… I saw your exams and they are improving. We are confident the surgery worked. And dr. Webber is trying to put you in the list of his diabetes trial"

Henry: "Why is everyone so nice to me?"

Teddy: "You're my husband, you're family…"

Henry: "I couldn't even invite you out for a date"

Teddy: "There will be time"

Henry: "Wait… will you really go out with me?"

Teddy: "Why not?"

Henry: "Except from the fact you caught me fingers in my nose and I have to push out smelly air to give you an evidence I'm good? No reason…"

Teddy giggled and Henry smiled, he was so different from all the others. He made irony on himself before than others, he was a natural in that. Her pager beeped and she looked at it.

Teddy: "Work calls…"

Henry: "Go"

Teddy stood up, ready to leave.

Teddy: "I'll come back later if I don't…. bother you"

Henry: "No bother. Have a nice day… honey"

Teddy: "You too, baby"

They both smiled and she walked away.

* * *

Derek is lying on his bed, a hospital gown covering his body.

He is reading the dossier he has prepared and looks up when the door opens and Meredith steps in, lightly out of breath.

"Hey"

"Hey wife… how are you?"

"Still fine, thank you"

She sits on the bed and they kiss.

"It sounds good to call you wife"

"It sounds and feels good to be such"

They kiss again and Meredith's eyes fall on the folder he's reading.

"Are you killing the await?"

"Yeah… just busying my mind waiting for Avery"

He sets the papers on the nightstand and Meredith sees worry in his eyes. She feels awkward as he hasn't mentioned her the change of program. She smiles anyway passing her hand in his hair.

"Did you come here to see how hot I look in this gown?"

"Yeah" they both giggle "I wanted to witness it myself. Are you ready?"

Derek smiles to her and takes her hand

"Mer…. You don't need to hide it. I guess you heard I asked for general"

Meredith's face drops and Derek squeezes her hand.

"I just needed it… I'm sorry… I know I will mess up with our plans and your schedule…"

"It's fine if you prefer this way… Anything you want"

"Thank you"

"You want to talk about it?"

"No"

"Ok…" she stands up and takes a shaver from the table "I asked Avery if I could prep you"

"Why?"

"Don't you prefer if it's me?"

"Of course I do but… you had surgery this morning"

"I gave it to Reed… I'm all yours if you want"

"I love you"

"Me too… let's get you in that OR"

Meredith approaches Derek's bed and he lays completely. She opens the gown and starts to shave his abdomen, her hands caressing his skin softly.

"This is hot… I don't want you to shave anyone else from now on"

"Why?"

"I'm starting to…" his breathe hitches in his throat and Meredith feels his groin tensing. She stops her movements. "I'm sorry…"

"About what? That your wife arouses you? I like it"

"Me too, but not here. Imagine Bailey's face if she finds me with a hard on in the OR"

"It would be very difficult to put a catheter in…"

"It would be a minor problem…"

"Little Derek is my main concern, you know that"

"Oh.. I know"

She stops the shaver and sets it on the table, closing the garment and covering Derek up.

"I'm done here… We can start with treatments now"

"Ok… Can we do it in the OR? I'd rather to get there on my legs if I can"

"Sure… let's go"

Derek stands up and starts to walk to the door but Meredith touches his shoulder and stops him.

"What?"

"Patients are not allowed to walk to the OR by themselves"

She pulls a wheelchair parked in the corner of the room

"Put your ass down here… now"

"I can walk"

"I know… but protocols are protocols, mr. Sheperd. I don't know who… but someone taught me that"

Derek snorts and sits. Meredith pushed him outside.

"I regret I did it"

"Remember you said that in a while…."

* * *

Cristina joins Teddy at the nurses station. Altman is reading a chart, she looks worried.

Cristina: did you page me?

Teddy: yes. I've just picked up mr. Jen's exams.

Cristina: and what? Aren't they good?

Teddy: take a look yourself

Teddy pushed the chart towards Cristina and she picks it up.

Cristina: crap… they were fine yesterday evening. I ran two series as you asked.

Teddy: I can't find the results in here

She is flipping the pages quickly and Cristina looks at her. She makes a step forward to help her.

Cristina: they're in the daily tests

Teddy: I know where to find labs in a chart, dr. Yang

Cristina: excuse me, sir

She backs away and Teddy strokes her eyes.

Teddy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. Today's the harvest day and we can't have complications like this.

Cristina: but we can't postpone the surgery though. He won't survive another day attached to that ventilator.

Teddy: I know. But we should report it to Webber and he could think it's not worth to try.

Cristina: let's not tell him

She shrugs and Teddy looks at her stunned.

Cristina: what? It's not like we never did it before…

Teddy: but we learnt from our actions, didn't we?

Cristina: yeah. And the patient is very grateful to us as we broke some rule.

Teddy: this case is different, Cristina. This organ wouldn't be wasted. Actually, we'd have another patient ready for tomorrow.

Cristina: no problem then.

Teddy opens her mouth to speak but words fail her. She laughs, stroking her eyes.

Teddy: I had to know you didn't give a crap for that man.

Cristina: I care instead.

Teddy: Yeah, you care as he is a good case and you don't mind if he's going to lose his heart for someone else. As of course you think you'll scrub in anyway. Well… you won't

Teddy picks up the chart and walks away, Cristina looks at her bewildered.

Cristina: excuse me? What's your problem?

Teddy: you're my problem when you act like this.

She storms away brushing Owen's shoulder in the process, ignoring him. Hunt looks at her puzzled.

Cristina: what the hell is wrong with her?

Owen: she looks pissed. What did you do?

Cristina: I did nothing. I have just told her that our patient couldn't be suitable for the transplant anymore and she lashed out on me. Like it's my fault.

Owen: she grew more sensitive since her husband is a long term patient in here

Cristina: husband? (she looks up and meets Owen's eyes) Oh… Webber's pity case

Owen: don't call him that. Last surgery went good. He could enter the trial now.

Cristina: this doesn't change the reason why they got married. Don't use the fake wedding as an excuse. She had no reason to treat me like dirt.

Owen: ok…

Cristina scribbles on her pad and Owen looks at her, she is beautiful and detached. He had left slamming the door the previous night and they were playing some kind of game right now. Nobody want to make questions, nobody want to raise an argument, not there at least. Silence sinks between them and Owen feels awkward. He isn't used to shut up where she is so close. She clears her throat closing the notes.

Cristina: where did you sleep last night?

Owen: here, in an OC room.

Cristina: uhm uhm…

Owen looks at Cristina, she is trying everything to ignore him but he needs to tell her something.

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: I have to go now. See you later

She picks up her chart and leaves Owen at the desk, a nurse eyeing him suspiciously.

Things were complicated this time, Cristina was still hurt for their fight and he couldn't blame her. It was a grave topic, an argument which was supposed to hurt one of them and it actually did. Owen sighed, building a family shouldn't be an issue between two people who loved each other, it shouldn't be a burden but a goal. But for women like Cristina. He had hoped that Meredith's pregnancy could break even this taboo but apparently things were more complicated. Cristina's mind had space just for career, Owen… well… he would pay gold to get where he was stuffed in her brain and heart. Cristina loved him, he felt it. She had a strange way to show it, but she did. And that was a starting point, a huge one. Future… it was impossible to get what was in plan for them and the night spent in the OC had played a clarifying role: it was useless to push forward, it was useless to foresee events. He had to accept Cristina like she was, he wanted to accept her like she was. Because the feeling he felt for her was greater than everything he had experienced before, it was overwhelming and consuming. He had to raise this feeling, to grow it, to care about it. This accident wasn't going to threaten all he had in his heart. The problem was getting Cristina beyond it and he knew it was difficult. She was susceptible and she wouldn't give up what happened easily. He had hurt her, he knew. He only hoped that she would make the same conscious exam and not waste everything.

* * *

Webber is sitting in his office, behind his desk, the usual load of papers spread anywhere. Someone knocks to the door and he looks up, the huge form of Mark Sloan standing in front of him.

Webber: dr. Sloan… please come in

Mark: thank you, chief.

Webber: what do I owe the pleasure?

Mark: just kissing Derek's ass…

Webber: I'm sorry?

Mark: Sheperd asked me to deliver you his precious plan

He sets the folder on Richard's desk.

Mark: so everything is running smoothly… He got sponsors, he got space… he got the approval of FDA top speed…

Webber: did he tell you that?

Mark: yeah… this morning… The guy he knows sent him the ok this morning.

Webber: it takes weeks to have a trial approved…

Mark: not if you are Derek Sheperd and the medical world is going to crawl at your feet in hours. How is your trial instead?

Webber: running up normal ways. It takes time.

Mark: but you're still the chief. It's going to be quick. So… SGH is going to have two fancy trials in ten days or so.

Webber: it looks so

Mark: do you know who is going to work with you and Derek?

Webber: I have no idea… why do you ask?

Mark: nothing special. Derek is not convinced to pick Grey on this stuff… I wondered if you had already chosen your coworkers…

Webber: I'll do when it's time… (his cell rings and he looks at it, Adele's name shining in the screen. He stands up) Now… if you excuse me… my wife is waiting for me.

Mark: of course, chief

They both exit the office and part, Richard walks down the hallway to the cafeteria. He stops at the door surprised as he can't see Adele in their usual spot. He picks up the phone to call her but Karev's voice stops him.

Karev: dr. Webber…

Webber: yes, dr. Karev? (he doesn't look at the younger doctor, he is dialing his wife's number)

Karev: I'm sorry but your wife is downstairs… she's asking of you

Richard stops the call, his face surprised.

Webber: we were supposed to meet here… (he smiles) And then women say men are forgetful …

Karev: sir, I think you have misunderstood. She was admitted in the ER ten minutes ago.

Webber: what?

Karev: nothing bad… just an ankle… She slipped during shopping or whatever…

Webber: and why in hell didn't you say it immediately?

He storms down the hallway and Alex follows him.

Karev: I did sir but…

Webber: I thought she had confused the place of our meeting…

Karev: it's nothing anyway

They march thought the doors and Webber nearly bumps into Meredith.

Meredith: chief…

Webber: excuse me, Meredith…

He walks forward and Meredith looks at Alex.

Meredith: what's wrong with him?

Alex: his wife's here… as a patient

Meredith: oh no…

Alex: just a displayed ankle. And I have to be in surgery in half an hour.

Meredith: I'll take care of her…

Alex: really?

Meredith: sure… I'm free… Give me the chart…

Alex handles Meredith the folder.

Alex: thanks Mer… I owe you one

Meredith: don't forget about it!

Alex runs away and Meredith walks to Adele's stretcher, hidden by a curtain. She opens it and finds the woman alone. She gives her a smile.

Meredith: morning Mrs. Webber

Adele: hi Meredith…

Meredith: what happened?

Adele: I fell off the ladder changing a light

Meredith frowns reading the chart and looks at her.

Meredith: you told dr. Karev you slipped at the supermarket…

Adele: who cares… I'm here, that's all matters…

The curtain opens and Richard enters again, he lingers on Meredith and she gets his surprise to see her there

Meredith: dr. Karev had surgery and I offered to cover this

Richard looks at his clock and Adele snorts

Adele: I'm not going to die, you can leave me here with her if you have surgery.

Meredith: she's in good hands

Richard: ok… keep me posted (he leans kissing his wife's forehead and leaves)

Adele: he always feels guilty to leave me alone

Meredith: it's what doctors do… they live at impossible rhythms and feel guilty to loved ones.

Adele: and what about you… do you feel that way too?

Meredith: not that much… and my husband works here too so… we kind of see each other

She looks at mrs. Webber smiling, expecting her reaction to the information she has a actual, official husband. Adele smiles to her indeed.

Adele: did you marry a doctor, dear?

Meredith's face falls, something is wrong in this conversation, but she has no time to answer that her intern comes in.

Steve: did you page, dr. Grey?

Meredith: oh… yes. Mrs. Webber needs a x-ray to the left ankle and a painkiller. Can you do that?

Steve: of course

Meredith: so… I leave you with my intern…. He's going to take you down for tests… I'll see you later, ok?

Adele: ok… Say hi to Derek if you see him

Meredith: sure…

Steve wheels Adele away and Meredith looks at her. There's something strange in her eyes. She looks present now but, before, something was off. She looked confused and out of time. When she asked her if she got married to a doctor… she wasn't cracking a joke. She really meant it. She took a look at her chart again and decided to ask a consult later.

* * *

Bailey is adjusting monitors and hires to Derek's bed.

Bailey: saturation is a little bit low

Avery: I've prescribed oxygen mask for the next six hours. It should go back to normal then.

Bailey: ok…

Miranda sits in the chair near the bed and Avery looks at her.

Avery: I thought to go back to the department. Are you staying?

Bailey: yeah… I'll stay some minute. Go.

Avery: ok (he turns to leave)

Bailey: dr. Avery…. Nice work

Avery: thank you, sir.

The door closes and Miranda is left alone with Derek. His eyes are still closed and she takes a look to the machines to make sure everything is fine. A moan catches her attention and she looks at him. His eyes are fluttering and finally open, he shields them from the light invading the room.

Bailey: good afternoon

He moves the mask from his mouth to his neck to be able to speak.

Derek: hey…

Bailey: it's better you keep that up

Derek: why?

Bailey: oxygen levels are low… as expected. You'll need some help for a little bit.

Derek: mm (he closes his eyes and a grimace of pain stretches his face) How did it go?

Bailey: good, the kid did good. You'll have a small nice scar on your supposed to be there turtle. We fixed everything, inside and outside. Everything went fine.

Derek: but my saturation…

Bailey: it's normal. Just keep that mask on and you'll be on your feet in two days.

Derek: it's hard to believe it right now (he groans and grimaces again). I feel groggy.

Bailey: you went under general and you've just woken up. What did you want to do? Dancing?

Derek: I was thinking to breathe without hurting

Bailey: put the damned mask on then (she stands up briefly and sets it on his mouth) You see? Don't stress your lungs talking. I'll do it for you (Derek giggles under the mask and tries to shift a bit) You know I'm curious, don't you? And there's something which is troubling my mind since this morning. Since the very moment I saw your battered hand… and three minutes later I saw Brad's battered face. So I started to think… and I thought that your domestic accident could have something to do with his (Derek looks at her from the bed). And I felt wrong to think such a thing about you as you're a nice man… you won't do that, will you? (Derek grips the mask and lifts it again. He doesn't talk but Miranda gets the guilt in his eyes and the anger which is bubbling in him)

Derek: this time I couldn't let it go

Bailey: he could report you

Derek: he won't. He knows he deserved it. And now if you excuse me… I've just had surgery and I want to rest (he sets the mask back on and looks away, the door opens and Richard comes in)

Richard: hey… how is he?

Bailey: fine. Surgery went good. We're monitoring his breathing now.

Richard: ok (Derek opens his eyes and Richard realizes he's awake) Have a nap, Shep. Great things are waiting for you, you need to go back on your feet asap (Sheperd nods) I'll have Meredith know you're awake. And I go to see how is Adele.

Bailey: is she here?

Richard: yes. Nothing important. She kind of fell. Meredith was taking care of her. I go now. See you later.

He leaves and Bailey stands up too.

Bailey: I go too. I told a nurse to come in here every five minutes to check you up. Be good. I'll be back.

* * *

Owen enters the cafeteria, there are only a few people sitting around. He looks at the clock noticing the lunch time has passed a long time ago, he queues to take a black coffee and a sandwich and searches the room to see if his favorite table, the one near the rear window, is free. Unluckily someone is sitting there and he snorts.

Teddy: you can sit here if you want.

He looks down surprised, he hadn't noticed Teddy. He smiles to her and sits.

Owen: thank you, I hadn't seen you.

Teddy: you were too busy looking around. So? Were you in surgery?

Owen: yes, car crush.

Teddy: how did it end?

Owen: bad. The patient died.

Teddy: I'm sorry

Owen: he had a massive bleeding and I discovered a laceration to the aorta so… game over (he takes a bite of his sandwich and looks up). And you?

Teddy: Good. I did the transplant finally, I got Webber on my side. It was tough but it worked. And I had to do everything by myself.

Owen: I heard you and Cristina this morning…

Teddy: almost anyone did. I really yelled at her.

Owen: you want to talk about it?

Teddy: not with you.

Owen: Teddy…

Teddy: you're her boyfriend…

Owen: and your friend. And fellow doctor. I can take complains on Cristina.

Teddy: I know… but… it's something bigger this time.

Owen: what do you mean?

Teddy: I was happy… I'm happy of her of course. But lately I feel like she treats me like her peer and I'm not. I'm still the attending here.

Owen: I think she knows that.

Teddy: she fights me, all the time. In the OR, in the official meeting. She's destabilizing my authority. I took it as a self confident behavior at first but now… she's overdoing.

Owen: have you told her?

Teddy: no, not yet.

Owen: well, do it. You know she respects you, a lot. Maybe she took more confidence than she had but she won't piss on your shoes. If you let her know…

Teddy: that's the point, Owen. I wouldn't need to tell her. She should get that on her own.

Owen: but she's too focused and arrogant to do it on her own.

Teddy: our relationship changed a lot in the last days. I did change it. I was colder and more detached. And for what? She had no doubt at all.

Owen: maybe you should be more direct… outing what you think

Teddy: more outing than putting her off my service?

Owen: well… that's kind of clear.

Teddy: I won't teach her anything till she starts questioning herself. She'll be admitted in my OR but stand far from the table. And I guess she'll have to pop me questions sooner or later.

Owen: she will… How is Henry?

Teddy: he was still under treatments this morning. The surgery worked though. Webber told me he has inserted him in the list of his trial. He should start the protocol in days.

Owen: that's good… I like him

Teddy: yeah?

Owen: hum hum… and you like it too, don't you?

Teddy: he's my husband, remember?

Owen: I'm serious on this. You do like him. And it's not just out of pity or this crazy thing you did for him. You're falling for him.

Teddy: Owen… How can you think that? I barely know him.

Owen: you know him enough to wish you knew him better. It's not a reproach. Just be careful, ok? I don't want you to get hurt… again.

Teddy: like with Andy?

Owen: yeah… and not only. You're an amazing woman, Teddy. You don't need to rush into anything.

Teddy: I am not.

Owen: and I know you don't need my stupid advice on love but…we're friends and I want to be there for you. I see you feel for this guy and I want you to be happy.

Teddy: thank you. So now it's up to me to play the good friend.

Owen: shoot it

Teddy: what's going on with you and Cristina? It looked like you didn't spend the night under the same roof….

Owen: is that so clear?

Teddy: enough for who knows you

Owen: we had a fight yesterday… a huge one. And I left.

Teddy: bad move leaving after a fight.

Owen: it would be worst to stay and mending it with sex.

Teddy: work related?

Owen: no… life related.

Teddy: can I help?

Owen: not with this.

Teddy: tell me if there's something I can do for you.

Owen: I will

Teddy: we're two screwed friends, aren't we?

Owen: definitely.

* * *

Meredith enters the locker room and finds Cristina sitting on a bench, eating a cereal bar.

Meredith: hey

Cristina: hey

Meredith sits on the bench too and steals a piece of her friend's snack.

Meredith: resting your bones?

Cristina: no. Just busying my time…

Meredith: I thought you had a transplant today

Cristina: I had. But it blew up. And Altman benched me.

Meredith: my day wasn't any better. Brad tried to approach me but Hunt scared him away. I killed the await during Derek's surgery taking care of the chief's wife. She is acting weird.

Cristina: and how is your hubby?

Meredith: I think good. I was expecting someone would tell me something more but… still nothing. Have you talked to Owen?

Cristina: no.

Meredith: and what do you plan to do?

Cristina: nothing. Going home, ordering in, taking a shower and then go to sleep.

Meredith: ok but… you live together. Will he come back home or not?

Cristina: I don't know

Meredith: you don't as you don't care or as you didn't bother to ask?

Cristina: the both I guess.

They both look blankly in front of them, Meredith passes a hand on her belly.

Meredith: ouch… Mc Peanut is kicking me hard

Cristina: it's not McPeanut anymore, Mer. It looks more like McBaloon… So you are going till the end…

Meredith: of course. I'm a little bit late for an abortion.

Cristina: not that, moron. I meant the no sex knowing thing.

Meredith: yeah. It's really exciting this way.

Cristina: it's stupid. You can't buy anything as you can't pick the color.

Meredith: we bought almost everything. Neutral stuff.

Cristina: so the poor kid will feel unloved from the very beginning. He'd think you wanted a girl or she'd think you meant her to be a boy. That's sad.

Meredith: ouch… it's rolling on my guts (she closes her eyes and Cristina looks at her. Meredith takes her hand and sets it on her belly)

Cristina: what are you doing?

Meredith: feel it (after some seconds Cristina feels the baby moving)

Cristina: oh my God…

Meredith: I agree

Cristina: she… he… whatever… how can you not throw up all the time?

Meredith: you get used to this

Cristina: can I…. some more?

Meredith: of course

Cristina moves her hand on the roundness of Meredith's stomach to find movements. She giggles when she feels the baby kicking and budging in the small space.

Meredith: it's not funny

Cristina: it is. Look… you have a bump on your side.

Meredith: it's stretching time in there

They both laugh and Meredith closes her hand around Cristina's, resting on her stomach.

* * *

Webber arrives at the pit, Adele is wearing her sweater and is ready to leave.

Adele: here he is… I thought you weren't coming

Richard: I'm sorry, love. I was upstairs and I lost track of time.

Adele: yeah… and forgot about me. I know the drill.

Richard smiles and kisses her forehead.

Richard: I didn't forget about you. Dr. Grey kept me posted all the time and I knew you were fine. Your x-rays and labs turned out negative, it's just a dislocation…. Light… you need to be careful for a couple of days and be perfectly fine.

Adele: so we can go now?

Richard: has Meredith signed all the papers?

Adele: how do I know? This is your hospital, right? Take care of it yourself…

Richard: ok, I'll do it. Sit there three minutes and I'll be right back, ok?

Adele: waiting… again?

Richard: just three minutes, I promise. I'll drive home with you.

Adele: ok

She sits in the waiting area and Richard smiles, he takes the chart and spots Meredith, who has just entered the pit. He walks towards her.

Richard: Meredith…

Meredith: yes chief?

Richard: Adele's dismissing papers are ready. She just needs your signature to go home so…

He handles her the chart and she takes it, fishing a pen out of her pocket.

Meredith: sure…

Richard: I went to see Derek. He was waking up from anesthesia.

Meredith: I'll go upstairs myself after finishing down here

Richard: he's ready with the Alzheimer's trial. He got the last approvals today. I know he already has a list of voluntary candidates. Treatments and drugs are in the restricted area, sealed. And the blind protocol got the liking of all the board members.

Meredith: that's good. He just needs to summon up his team now

Richard: talking about that… do you know I'm starting up my own trial… your mother's study trial on diabetes?

Meredith: yes. You talked to me about it, remember?

Richard: yes. But it was just an idea then. Now it's an actual trial. And I'd like you to be on board. With me.

Meredith: chief…

Richard: I know you probably want to share Derek's adventure and I get that. But please… think about it.

Meredith: ok…

Richard: will you sign the papers then?

Meredith: sure

She scribbles her name on the chart and handles it to him. Richard reds the notes at the bottom of the page and frowns.

Richard: you wrote you want to see her in five days?

Meredith: yes, I'd feel more comfortable.

Richard: why?

Meredith: just to take a look at her (Meredith sees the doubt in his eyes and doesn't feel to reveal him her fears) Chief… you know it's what we do. Mrs. Webber is not a girl anymore. I just wanted to check swelling or anything in some day. It's fine if you don't want to take her back. Finally she has her private doctor at home.

Richard: yeah… go to see yours now

Meredith smiles and turns around.

Richard: and Meredith…

Meredith: yes chief?

Richard: I got an extra note from the chaplain today… Extra cleaning due to a sudden marriage in the early morning.

Meredith: I'm sorry… We just wanted to do it and…

Richard: you did. Don't worry. You and Derek weren't meant to have an ordinary wedding after all. I'm happy for you.

Meredith: thank you

Richard: go now…

* * *

Cristina is exiting the hospital, it's raining and she spots Teddy some step in front of her.

Cristina: dr. Altman…

Teddy hears her and turns around, hands in her pockets.

Cristina: how did the transplant go?

Teddy: good. There are no signs of rejection for now. But we need to wait to be sure.

Cristina: I'm happy you convinced dr. Webber…

Teddy: I didn't. Papers did. He had no reason to deny surgery. Labs went back to normalcy and we couldn't waste the last chance.

Cristina: I'm sorry if I offended you this morning.

Teddy: you didn't. Not this morning at least.

Cristina: so why did you put me off the case?

Teddy: I didn't put you off this case. I put you off my service.

Cristina: excuse me?

Teddy: it was even my fault… but I don't like the way our relationship is running lately.

Cristina: that's to say?

Teddy: sometimes I have to think three seconds before remembering I'm the attending and you're the resident. You took space, you argue with me. You need to go back to your place.

Cristina: what does this mean?

Teddy: I think it's pretty clear. You're talented and you have a great future. But the now is mine… I don't want anyone to criticize my doing… not you at least. You can tell me what you would do. But you need to do what I tell you. Even if you disagree.

Cristina: it's what I've always done

Teddy: no. It's what you used to do. Now you insist, you say your idea loud in front of anyone. Others would kick you out. I just want to take some time to breathe. And you need to cool your head.

Cristina: my head is perfectly fine

Teddy: do like you want. But, for your knowing, you'll enter my OR but you'll stay far from the table till I won't let you close again. So… if you accept an advice… cool your head. It's a good suggestion, Cristina. Have a nice evening.

She walks away and Cristina stands there on her own. She doesn't feel the rain falling on her head, she doesn't see people going in and out the hospital. This speech was a shock. And it was true. In part. She respected Teddy, she liked her. Their relationship had been always frank and true, in every area, professional and personal. But now Cristina had overstepped. She was aware of it. The truth was that she didn't feel inferior to her, not much. She had the chance to stand at Altman's side every surgery, every patient, she could foresee her actions because they would be hers own. If she could deal with cases solo, she would do the same things, achieve the same results, fail the same procedures. They lived in symbioses. And now Teddy gave her an out. The fact she treated her like a peer didn't mean she was one. At the end of the year she would need to face her exam, she'll have to pick proposals and her new career. She could leave Seattle and never go back. It depended on many things.

Meredith, first. Will they ever be able to part? Cristina felt Meredith would give up her future for the baby and Derek. Their new house was under construction and certainly this wasn't the moment she would pack and move away.

Owen. What was the future planning for them? Troubles… that was for sure. They were in love with each other but apparently it wasn't enough to overcome perspectives and points of view. Cristina was facing her unsaid fear: changing again for somebody else. Switching her priorities for a man. Who could leave her like Burke did. A child was a huge step, it meant giving away the dream of a fellowship in the top hospitals of the country. Even if common sense said Middle Age was over for centuries, a baby in the curriculum was something nobody wanted to see. It meant reduced time, short schedule, less responsibilities. Cristina wanted to become the queen of cardiology, she wasn't ready to give away the kingdom yet. But motherhood with Owen… it was not out of the picture, not in long run at least. She felt hurt the previous night… she had avoided the topic but she didn't mean this to become an argument. She wanted to bring it up later. But Owen was everything but diplomatic and reflexive, he lived things deep in his belly and he couldn't wait to face her. The result… well… it was under their nose. They spent the day avoiding each other and grunting at each other. Cristina was scared to find him home. But she was more scared he would be gone. By now, she wasn't sure which one could be the best poison.

* * *

Meredith is leaning against the wall in the hallway leading to Derek's room. She tried to go in but the door was closed, nurses and doctors are probably in for treatments and the evening round.

She is typing a message on her phone when someone brushed her elbow, she looks up and sees Owen near her. He takes the same position.

Owen: hey… so?

Meredith: the chief told me he was awake but they must be in for labs and routine stuff…

Owen: it's a little bit late for that (he takes a quick look to his clock and then looks in front of him). Did you see Cristina?

Meredith: she was going home last time I saw her… twenty minutes ago…

Owen: yeah… she was supposed to be over at 20

Meredith: and what about you?

Owen: I'm off in an hour. I just… (he snorts and rakes a hand in his hair, Meredith looks at him)

Meredith: don't know if going home or not?

He nods and Meredith straightens up.

Owen: I guess she told you about our fight…

Meredith: something…. But you don't need to tell me.

Owen: I don't know how to communicate with her sometimes. She closes me out and… I freak out

Meredith: you need to wait for her… letting her decide the time… even if you think she'll never face the topic, she will…. She's not an avoider. She can act like one, but she's not.

Owen: the problem is that I'm not patient. I jumped to her throat yesterday and I think I lost her

Meredith: you didn't. And I don't want to bring your hopes up or anything but… she's considering it

Owen: what?

Meredith: kids. With you. Not now but… she's considering it.

Owen: did she tell you?

Meredith: no. But I got it.

Owen: how?

Meredith: it's difficult to explain. I know the type, ok? Cristina looks a lot like my mother. Her job is everything she wants: if you told me about this six months ago, I'd call you a stupid, blind, sadist moron. She was a cold doctor and that's all she wanted to be. And I would suggest you to let it go, to bury the idea. I was raised by a woman like that and it would destroy the baby. And your relationship. And Cristina too. Because, unlike Ellis Grey, she would care. And she wouldn't be able to give up her work and she would turn depressive and frustrated. And self destructive. But now… she is still detached and everything which makes her a great doctor but she grew a soft spot. I guess because of you. Just let her pick the time. Let her think it was her decision and idea. I know it's hard to pretend not to have a voice in it but… wait and the time will come.

Owen: she's not you

Meredith: oh… I know that. But trust me. I saw her face while she was touching my belly and felt the baby kicking. She'll be in this. Just let her time to win her stupid awards and then she'll fix a new target. And you'll be involved. She is really into you (she leans against the wall again sighing) Just don't let her know I told you that.

Owen: ok

Meredith: better…. Don't tell her I said anything. I promised to keep my mouth shut.

Owen: so this was a secret conversation…

Meredith: if you want to survive, it's better it stays put

Owen: ok

Meredith: what the hell are they doing in there? I need to use the bathroom.

Owen: just go, ok? I'll go to take a look in the while.

Meredith: thank you (she walks away rubbing her stomach and Owen reaches Derek's room. He pushes the door open and stops there, taking at the strange scene in front of him. Bailey is pacing around the bed and Webber is barking orders to a nurse. He gets closer, frowning seeing Derek with an oxygen mask on and really pale)

Owen: what's going on?

Bailey: temperature keeps going up, I sensed liquid in the lungs

Owen: pneumonia?

Bailey: it could be. What are you doing here?

Owen: I was out with Meredith. She's gonna be back in seconds.

Webber: keep her out

Owen: ok, but I should tell her something

Bailey: not till we don't know what's going on for sure

Owen is doubtful, his eyes meet Derek's and Sheperd takes the mask off his face.

Derek: bring her home… please

Owen would like to say something back, like she'll want to stay there and help, like she needs to know something is wrong. But he feels a grip on his arm and realizes Richard is very close.

Richard: it's going to be a tough night. He's right.

Owen: ok… but keep me updated please. She'll kill me if things get worse than this and she doesn't know.

Richard: I promise.

Hunt leaves the room and meets Meredith halfway down the corridor.

Meredith: come on… they aren't done yet?

Owen: oh yes. To tell the truth there was nobody in. The nurse told me they closed the door as Derek wanted to rest. He's sound asleep right now.

Meredith: oh… ok. I just want to go in there and say hi.

Owen: it's useless… He won't realize you're there.

Meredith: ok… but I will.

She walks past him and Owen looks up. How could they possible think to let Meredith in the blue? He turns around and grips her wrist.

Meredith: what now?

Owen doesn't say anything, he looks to Meredith and then to the ground sighing.

Owen: he asked me to take you home

Meredith: you said he was sleeping

Owen: he is now. But we spoke and he told me he was dead tired. He told me to lead you home and say hi.

Meredith: you're really a bad liar.

She turns on her heels and walks down the hallway, she pushes the door open and, seeing all the people inside, turns around to kill Owen with one look.

Meredith: so he was sleeping, right? It looks like there's a freaking party in here

Owen: Meredith…

Meredith: let's forget it

She marches into the room and Richard meets her half way.

Meredith: I thought you went home with your wife.

Richard: I did but Bailey paged me back

Meredith: why?

Richard: there's some complication, Meredith

Her eyes narrow to his boss and comprehension kicks in. She turns to look to Owen and her voice comes out a hiss.

Meredith: so you sent me the good Samarian to drive me home….

Owen: Grey, I…

Meredith: just shut up, seriously.

She gets closer to the bed, abandoning her purse and sweater on the couch. Her breath hitches in her throat realizing how pale Derek looks.

Meredith: hey…

She caresses his forehead, immediately sensing his skin burning. Derek leans in the contact and opens his eyes, Meredith can see a little smile stretching his lips under the mask.

Meredith: I'm here…

Derek takes her hand and his skin feels shivery, his eyes distant and unfocused. Tears form in the corner of her eyes and she turns to look to Bailey.

Meredith: what's wrong?

Bailey: we don't know yet. I suspect a light pneumonia. Fever is going up and we need to put him under antibiotics immediately.

Meredith: how high?

Bailey: it's 104 by now. But we can't drop it. Antipyretics don't work.

Meredith: we need to put him under ice…

Bailey: when the labs come back, we'll do it if it's necessary. You need to stay calm, Grey. I know it's hard but we were ready to this. You knew it could happen. We just need to control the fever and help him through these first hours.

Meredith: is he lucid?

Bailey: Up to now, he was. But if temperature grows again, you know how it will be like. Maybe that's why he wanted you home.

Meredith: how can I go home knowing his condition? He could seize…

Bailey: we're here to avoid this

Meredith: he could have permanent damages to brain or sight or…

Bailey: Grey… slow down. We'll face this time by time, ok? I know it's not easy, but keep it together.

Meredith: I want to stay here

Bailey looks to Richard and he nods.

Bailey: fine

Owen: I'll stay too… to help.

Meredith: I can deal with this…

Owen: I know. But the night is long and you need to rest. We'll make rounds. I go out to call Cristina, ok?

Hunt exits the room, the cell already in his hand. He dials Cristina's number, the line is free but she doesn't pick up. He tries again but gets the same result.

He snorts, Cristina is still mad at him and could decide not to answer on purpose. He types a message and sits on the bench waiting for an answer. He rolls the phone nervously in his fingers, tension rising quickly. She could be dining, she could have left the cell home, she could be in the shower. Everywhere. Not knowing Meredith needs her. He leans his head on the wall closing his eyes, trying to get some rest. Suddenly he hears worried steps getting close, steps he would recognize everywhere. He opens his eyes and sees Cristina in front of him. Her hair is messy and her face looks concerned.

Cristina: I did the faster I could… what's going on?

Owen: Derek isn't fine. Bailey suspects pneumonia and Meredith decided to spend the night here. I offered up to make her company and help her.

Cristina: thank you… it was… nice

Their eyes meet in an unsaid conversation. Silence fills the space between the two of them.

Cristina: I go in to take a look

Owen: Cristina…

Cristina: yeah?

Owen: I love you

She gives him a small smile and walks in.

* * *

_There's really a meaning in formulas and ceremony writings._

_We can study how to say it, we can have fantasy._

_But still… simple words say it all. _

_They used to sound banal and empty, but they can acquire full force in a second._

_I take thee to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer_

* * *

Meredith is close to Derek's bed, she's wetting his forehead and lips with a soaked cloth.

Meredith: I'm here… It's going to be over in a while

Meredith's heart squeezes realizing Derek's state. She isn't even sure he can get her words. Despite Bailey's attempts, his temperature isn't going down. He's burning up, his arms shake with tiny little tremors. She sees his lips moving under the mask and tries to read his whispered words.

She straightens up reading an apology.

Meredith: don't even try to apologized for this. It's not your fault and I'm your wife. Remember what I said this morning? In sickness and in health, I promise to love and to cherish you; and I promise to be faithful until death parts us. So you think not to die and I'll think not to screw you around.

Cristina: Mer… I don't think that's the moment

Meredith: it is instead… it's always.

* * *

_Every day is forever._

_Every moment is worth saying these things. _

_As you don't know till when you'll possibly be able to do it._


	39. THE SLEEP OF REASON PRODUCES MONSTERS

So called holidays are over and I'm ready with the new chapter.

Some warnings (and some thoughts I'll wrote in the end)

This episode owes its title to one of my favourite paintings, by Goya: the sleep of reason causes monsters.

It's a long chapter and I like it as we'll see some flashbacks I had very pleasure to write and create.

I expect your kind reviews!

* * *

_Sleep is relax, it's a warm cocoon._

_It's leaving worries to enter a world of warmth and magic…_

_Fantasy… dreams_

_A few know but… our brain is alive in this._

_It sends shocks around and produces emotions, suggestions._

_It absorbs everything during the day and frees everything all night long._

_But sometimes cruise controls give out._

_Darkness takes place._

_And the sleep of reason produces monsters _

* * *

The clock in Derek's room shows two twenty five.

Meredith is standing near the bed, wiping Derek's forehead with a wet cloth.

Despite the relieve his wife is trying to give him, his face is covered in sweat, big drops leaving his brows and eyelashes. The oxygen mask is clouded by his shortened and fast breaths, gasps, his lips opened in the vain attempt to catch more air.

Meredith is trying everything to give him solace, she is buffering his arms. Her fingers rest on his forearm and hands, trying to stop the tremors.

Tiredness painted on Derek's face is reflected on Meredith's.

She hasn't slept in the previous hours, her eyes show worry and the need to rest despite everything. But she can't. She had assumed the hard part of this story was behind their back, she had thought everything was going to be alright. But apparently fate has an open account with Derek. Every possible complication… every rare complication is making his path to recovery harder than expected. And painful. A lump forms in her throat every time her eyes rest on his face. She doesn't call him, she doesn't say his name. As she can't know if he's awake or not, she can't stand to see him so armless and weak, she can't watch him in pain without being able to do anything. She prefers to think he's out, he's stoned enough not to get what's going on.

105,00 .

The thermometer doesn't mean to go down. Fever is at guard levels from two hours by now. It means Derek's brain is burning, his thoughts must be cloudy, everything is shutting down. He could seize. A needle is flowing his veins with antipyretics and anti convulsing treatments. But he could have a grand mal seizure, he could pee on himself, he could throw up. Meredith closes her eyes, awful images filling her mind. She sways on her legs and two strong hands grip her shoulders.

Owen: Meredith…

Meredith: I'm fine

Owen: you're dead tired. How long have you been up?

Meredith: I'm fine, Owen… really

Owen: Meredith… how long?

Meredith: 20 hours…

Owen: and I guess you didn't have dinner…

She turns around and Owen sees her uncried tears. He strokes her arms.

Owen: why don't you go lying down on the couch with Cristina?

Meredith's stare shifts to the left corner of the room. Her best friend lays splayed on the small couch, her chest rising and falling rhythmically. She is asleep. Despite everything. The mere thought of stretching her aching legs and back is bringing her comfort, her eyes want to close. She knows she needs to rest. But it really does feel like a betrayal. Derek can't rest, he can't choose to stop it. And just go to that corner and closing her eyes feels like an abandon. She needs to be in this with him, she needs to give him whatever he may need, to be there if he calls her name. She looks at Owen and swallows.

Meredith: I'm not leaving him

Owen: you won't. You'll just go there and I'll call you if everything changes or he says anything

Meredith: I need to be here if he opens his eyes

Owen: no, Meredith. You need to be fine as the baby needs to be fine. This won't go away so quickly, you know that. It can take hours, days in the worst scenario, and you seriously can't think you'll sit here all the time. Please, rest for some minute, I'll keep an eye on him.

Meredith: promise?

Owen: sure

She breaths out and gives the wet cloth she was using to Owen. She passes her palm on Derek's forehead, flinching for the warmness radiating from his skin. Usually she found his temperature comforting, he was her private furnace, he used to warm her up in the freezing winter nights, complaining about her icy feet sneaking between his. And she felt it adorable. But now this had nothing to do with her husband, it was not romantic and cuddly, it was a tangible sign he was sick, really sick, nobody was taking advantage of it. Not her and surely not him. This was the paradox of fever: others could feel you burning up, you just couldn't stop freezing, shivering, shaking, sweating. Hot fever was one of the most common reasons of death. People use to underestimate fever, like it's an inconvenient, stupid stuff. But it's not. It's mainly an outcome of something bad, worse, something which mines your organism from inside out. For Derek the silent killer was pneumonia, an infection of lungs which let him feel like he was drowning in his own fluids, filling his chest with awful liquids, risking to choke on them, pumping his chest like it could explode. It must maddening and she really hoped he would remember nothing of this.

She sighs and finally turns her back to him, she lets her drained legs give out and sinks on the couch, her back immediately resting against the soft cushions. She closes her eyes and sleep takes her seconds later.

_"'Meredith, wake up. You're going to be late for kindergarten again"_

_The voice sounded really rude in comparison with the sweet dream she was making. Her father had taken her to the park and they were about to jump on a wonderful horse carousel. She had chosen her destrier, a magnificent horse with purple garments and golden sets. Daddy picked her up and set her on the horse, brushing some hair off her eyes. _

_"You chose the best one, sweetie. You really look like a princess". _

_But everything disappeared when Ellis spoke. The park, the carousel ... And Daddy ... Light invaded the room and she shrugged her eyes, still sleepy. _

_"My head hurts, mummy"_

_"Nice try... Come on, I can't be late today"_

_"I really feel sick... Daddy said…"_

_"Meredith..." the voice was commending and she got she had broken rule n. 3, do never talk of your father again. She shut up as her mother got closer and touched her forehead "you don't even have a fever. Get up, Meredith"_

_That was it. Her mother marched out of the room and she knew she had ten minutes to get dressed and cleaned up for school, she lunched her feet off the bed and her tummy churned. She really didn't feel good. She wore her clothes, she wasn't five yet and she was totally independent in the morning. _

"_You are a little girl, Meredith - mum told her one morning – you have to take care of yourself as I won't ever be here to do it"._

_She went to the bathroom and washed her teeth, her stomach protested when the tooth paste entered her mouth. She went to the kitchen but nothing was on the table. Her mother was already wearing her jacket and Meredith knew her breakfast could wait. She sent a searching look to her daughter: Meredith wondered what could be out of order this time: she had stood on the little stool in front of the mirror to brush her hair and adjust it. Ellis sighed and opened the door._

_"Let's go"_

_She didn't say anything else to her, she didn't wish her good day leaving the daycare. Mrs. Lay came close and invited her to have breakfast but she didn't feel for it. She really felt bad. And she threw up, once, twice, again. Mrs. Lay had her rest on a little bed._

_"Lay here, sweat heart. I'll call Mummy and she'll come to take you home"_

_"She won't come. She's working"_

_Meredith covered herself with the sheet and shivered, her lower lip trembling. She rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. She heard her teacher dialing a number, asking for her mother, she heard her saying something about her and from the silence which followed she knew anybody was coming for her. She tried to go back to her dream but it didn't come back, her Daddy was gone, horses were too. But the voice came back, she didn't know how many hours later, but she heard it again._

_"Meredith..."_

_There was no concern in her name, just hurry. She turned to the other side and a new voice reached her ears._

"_Dr. Grey… Hi, I'm Mrs. Lay's assistant. I'll wake her up. Anna is waiting for you in her office"_

_Meredith could hear her mother hiss something, and that meant that she didn't like Miss Bonnet. At all. But she liked her, she had taken care of her all day, she had told her a story, sang a lullaby, she was nice. Someone caressed her cheek and Meredith opened her eyes, mrs. Bonnet was standing over her, a warm smile lightening her face. _

"_Hey sweetie… your Mum is here. Let's get prepared"_

_She stretched her hand and helped her up, Meredith's head was heavy, she felt weak, legs like jello._

_Mrs. Bonnet started to dress her up, helping her in the fancy dress she had chosen in the morning. But something else caught her attention. Voices coming from Mrs. Lay's office. _

_Meredith liked it there, it was decorated with nice draws, cheerful draws. Meredith had made some of them too. Mrs. Lay liked them. Mummy thought it was a waste of time. Meredith had brought home her masterpiece once, she had smiled to her mother and handled her the precious paper. She had worked hard on it, three days, using all the finest colors, being careful to respect the borders and not to be too childish. Mummy had looked at it and smiled, she said it was nice and set it on the table. The butterflies Meredith had been feeling the whole day disappeared, maybe this time she had made it, maybe this time her mother would hang it in her office. Kelly's mum hanged all her draws in her office, Tom's father too. Meredith had thought it was her fault, she wasn't a good painter. But this time… this time she would like it. Excitement died the following day, she went to put a paper in the trash and found her work there. She hadn't cried, mummy didn't want her to cry. She had picked her draw up and given it to mrs. Lay. She had found a place for it in her office and Meredith was proud. She liked that office._

"_Dr. Grey… Meredith has a flu, a bad one"_

"_Excuse me, but are you a doctor?"_

_Her tone was arrogant but mrs. Lay didn't seem impressed._

"_No, but five kids had the same symptoms and the parents confirmed me it was a flu. Your daughter started to throw up as soon as she got here"_

"_Meredith is an impressionable kid. She didn't want to come here in the first place and got sick in response"_

"_She's not impressionable… she just looks for your approval"_

"_She has it, when she acts properly"_

"_For a five years old it can be difficult to get what is proper or not… She behaves, she's always nice. But she's shy, she always plays the doctor and says she wants to be like you"_

"_And do you think it's bad?"_

"_No. But she's sensitive"_

"_Sensitivity is weakness, mrs. Lay. I don't want her to be weak like her father. I don't want her to fake to avoid her duties. And if you don't mind, I don't want to discuss her education with you anymore"_

_Meredith saw her mother coming out and approaching her._

"_Are you ready?"_

_She nodded and her mother walked out of the room._

_Meredith hugged her bunny tighter and followed her._

* * *

Derek opened his eyes. They felt sticky, his sight was cloudy. He tried to breathe and an acute pain shot through his lungs. He coughed and more pain cut his throat. His eyes rolled in his orbs and he tried to get where he was. He wasn't home, that was sure. There were noises and there was too much light. The mattress scratched his back and he felt it was not his bed, their bed. He moved his thumb and touched naked skin, his bare side. How could that be? Panic started to fill his brain, he formed questions but he wasn't able to get an answer, everything moved slow motion. And it was hot… he felt hot. And freezing. Everything at the same time.

It was like plunging into the ocean in an august summer day, it was like taking a swim in his lake. That time he and Meredith had… he didn't remember it really good. He closed his eyes trying to remember. Slumber took him away.

"_What the hell are we doing here?"_

"_I promised you freshness, remember?"_

"_And I thought we were going to the swimming pool!"_

_Meredith was mad, he could really tell. And his smirk wasn't relaxing her, on the contrary, it was worsening her mood. But he couldn't help. He liked when she got mad, she turned him on. She was bossy, with her tiny ineffectual fists, with her baby pouting. They were in the middle of nowhere, and he meant to take full advantage of it._

"_Are you the country club type?"_

"_I am not. But I brought my hottest bikini and I don't think your trouts will be interested in it"_

"_Who can say it? Maybe they'll be"_

_Her eyes narrowed dangerously at him and he dropped his bag. She couldn't know, but he had prepared a picnic, he had arranged sandwiches, strawberries, fruits, fresh beers and whipped cream. Not for eating but she didn't need to know right now. He took a look around and it was beautiful. There were birds chirping around, the breeze was moving the tops of the trees and he found it peaceful, relaxing. The water was still and crystal clear. It had to be freezing, Derek knew that. It was an ancient rule of nature: the more the water is clear, the colder it is. But he really wanted to try it. He pulled off his shirt from his head, without unbuttoning it and Meredith closed her arms around her waist, shivering. Derek frowned and worry grew at the pit of his stomach. He got closer and rubbed her shoulders._

"_Are you cold?" _

_She smiled to him and he rubbed her cheek with his thumb. _

"_No, it was just a reaction to your strip"_

"_I meant to warm you up with that"_

"_Oh you did… my inner part though…"_

_Derek closed the distance and his lips captured hers, a static ran down his spine, a familiar feeling, the emotion of their bodies colliding. He savored her taste and parted, leaning his hands to her stomach, gripping her tee shirt and lifting it up over her head. She hadn't lied. Her top was really fancy. His heart beat faster imagining the rest. His fingers hooked the hem of her jeans and he distracted her with a kiss. She started to ruffle his hair and got lost in his ministrations. When she parted to get air, he had already unzipped her pants and was maliciously massaging her through the fabric._

"_I thought this was a harmless trip to the countryside"_

"_Oh it is… just relax and enjoy the ride"_

_He pushed her pants down and Meredith stepped out of them giggling, she kicked off her shoes and gripped Derek's pants kissing him. He moved her hands around his neck and lifted her. She was lost in their kiss but sensed the movement when he started to walk._

"_What are you doing?"_

_Her voice was husky and Derek hoped he could respect his plans._

"_Derek?"_

_His eyes sparkled and Meredith looked around. Her face turned from delight to fear when she saw where he was leading them, a little wooden deck._

"_Derek… what are you doing?"_

"_What I told you… a swim"_

"_No!"_

_She started hitting him and trying to free from his embrace but he was too strong. Her eyes narrowed in horror when he reached the deck and walked into the emptiness, free falling into the water. The impact was sweet but the water bit their skin. Meredith jumped out to the surface rubbing her eyes and face, immediately looking for Derek._

"_Are you crazy or what?"_

"_It's a solace, uhm?"_

"_Like hell! It's freezing!"_

_He closed his arms around her shoulders and kissed her. He felt her surrender to his kiss and his voice whispered sweet words in her ears._

"_Are you still cold?"_

_He kissed her lips, his tongue playing with hers._

_When he parted her eyes were still closed, her lips swollen from excitement._

"_And now?"_

"_Better"_

_He hugged her tighter and his lips attacked her clavicle, her neck. He felt her shivering and lifted her, her legs hooking his waist, their lips engaging into a new fight. Meredith's hands traveled down his back out of habit, touching the curve of his spine vertebra after vertebra, she moaned when she felt his jeans, soaked and stitched to his skin, instead of his ass._

"_I want…"_

"_Ssshh"_

_He closed her mouth with a kiss and one of his hands moved her top aside. He touched her breast, cupping it and tickling her nipple, Meredith's head rested on his shoulder but he gripped her hair roughly and pulled it behind, exposing her neck and chest. His mouth attacked her chest and she roared in his ears, arousing him more._

"_Tell me you want me…"_

"_Please… Derek"_

"_Say it"_

"_I want you"_

_She tried to get his mouth to kiss him but something really better distracted her. His fingers insinuated beneath her slip, touching her, teasing her, making her whimper. She was close, closer and he was just touching her. Cold enveloped her back and hair but she didn't pay attention, her core was on fire and she was riding her first orgasm, she bit Derek's shoulder blade and suddenly she felt her back scraping the deck, the sky fell and Derek was over her, his hand still massaging her, arousing her. She arched her back moaning, serving him her breasts again and he fully took advantage, caressing and sucking. She was a puddle underneath him. Her eyes were half closed, her eyelashes, bright with drops of water, looked longer and blonder and Derek thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world._

"_I love you"_

_She was too luxuriating to form a coherent thought and answer back, but Derek was satisfied anyway. _

_He loved sex, he loved the way Meredith reacted to him. It made him feel good. It made him feel a man. He wasn't a sex slave, he wasn't addicted to lust like Mark. Making love was not a purpose but a way to achieve a complete and intimate reunion with the woman he loved. It was ridiculous thinking to his first meeting with Meredith, it was the first time he picked up a woman in a bar. Or he was picked up, it depended from points of view. It had felt awkward, wrong on so many levels. But he had felt a connection with her, he had understood that unknown and intriguing woman could be a real date and not just an adventure. _

_And now they were there, in his land, making love in a day off._

_Their relationship was at the beginning, again, they had started new. He had told her his feelings many times but she didn't say it back. The ghost of Addison still lingered in the air and he knew he had to win her trust back. It was in moments like this that he could see straight to her soul, she was pure and innocent and he wanted to link their lives forever. _

_He lowered to kiss her again and Meredith felt his knees spreading her legs. Somehow he had succeeded to get rid of his jeans, she sighed in anticipation and then the reunion happened, they were one, fused together. Making love to each other. Derek was cherishing her body, kissing, caressing, petting her, delaying his own pleasure to let her feel loved and desired, his whole body serving her. It was a total experience and Meredith surrendered to him completely, she raised her hands over her head and let him take care of her. She moaned quietly when she came again and Derek felt her relaxing completely. And he knew he could go. He felt his own climax rising and he didn't have to wait long to ride it completely. He collapsed on his back and to his surprise Meredith rolled on top of him, hugging and crushing him. But she was a little weight and he loved to feel her body against his. They fell asleep, drained out and tired. When he opened his eyes cold had enveloped his body, he was still wet and his skin was freezing. _

He felt the same exhaustion now but he could say it wasn't for a sex marathon.

His muscles felt heavy, they didn't want to answer his orders and Derek started to be scared. He tried to speak but no sound came out. There was something wrong with him, his arms ached and he patted the bed and found a little, plastic tube. He followed its path and he felt it entering his skin. It was hurting him, making him nauseous and he needed it out.

* * *

Owen was sitting near his friend. It was unbelievable how life could change in a blink, how hard it was to do this as a relative and not as a doctor.

He had left Iraq as he couldn't take it anymore, the fights, the deaths, the horrors of war.

He had truly believed in his mission at the beginning, he had truly thought he could go to these places and help.

But then he had touched the truth: this wasn't just about bringing peace, it wasn't just about helping. It was more complicated, it was politics. And politics could be good or bad, it could have good intentions but bad ways to express it, to achieve its goals. It was difficult to seed love with a gun and an automatic weapon, it was difficult to preach friendship and shoot anyone who refused to say his name out loud.

War was war. And his pacific mission had turned out to be a violent, bloody, no holds barred contest.

Too many times kids had been used like living bombs.

Talibans didn't have second thoughts to use innocent for their destructive purposes. They promised them heaven, they promised them to take care of their families, to remember them as heroes. And this was enough for these poor souls to wear an explosive corset and bring death all around.

So many times Owen had been called to help victims of these suicidal plans, too many times he had seen fellows, soldiers hit, first in their trust and then in their bodies. So many times he had sit to someone's bedside perfectly knowing he was witnessing someone's last hours, pretending everything was going to be ok. He stroke his eyes, trying to push bad memories away. He looked up and the light on the ceiling sent his mind back to three years before.

_Brad was sweating heavily, for the warmth of the day which was sunny and hot and breath taking, and the infection which was devouring his body._

_The hospital campus was unsuitable for emergencies like this and Owen was trying his best to save his life. The previous day, Khalid, the US third platoon mascot, had entered the refectory and take a sit in the corner of the room, heavy with his terrible secret. A belt filled with explosive._

_He had been silent and shy eating his lunch but nobody had paid attention._

_Ten minutes later the room had blown up and two marines had died right there, two were in serious condition and Brad was one of them._

_All considered, they had been lucky. It could be a carnage._

_Of course Hunt couldn't say this to the families of these two guys, who hadn't reached 24._

_This boy had lost three fingers and the infection from the wound was affecting his whole body, his arm showed severe signs of gangrene and Owen didn't know what to do. He had made surgery, he was ministering antibiotics and every treatment he could. But he felt it wouldn't be enough. He had asked an urgent transfer to a hospital in Europe but the authorization hadn't arrived yet and every hour was a death sentence getting closer._

_Fever was going up, the boy whispered confused sentences, he was very likely being delirious, calling someone. A parent, a girlfriend, Owen didn't know. He just could alleviating his pain, trying to do it, and hope for the best._

_Hope… was that a verb to be pronounced by a doctor? By a man of science? Against all the odds, Hunt had learnt that in places like this hope was his last, more intimate friend. _

_Mastery and techniques were important, but wishing for the best and never giving up were good allies. _

_Despite that, deep in his heart, Hunt knew this guy would hardly see the next day._

_He was too weak, he had lost too much blood._

_His friends, brothers were queuing outside to donate theirs but that couldn't be enough. Temperature had reached 104,50 and there was no sign it would go down._

_Ice settled under his armpits and groin melted in the 55°C degrees of this 21 August and Hunt was going to finish it soon. Generators had been damaged in the explosion and the conditions were really border line. He was soaked himself. The soldier was trembling, his eyes were rolling to no direction, his lips were dry and bloody. He needed a miracle. They needed a miracle. But they didn't happen on demand._

"_Brad…"_

_Owen tried to establish a contact but the guy seemed not to hear him._

"_Brad, it's me, major Hunt… Can you hear me?"_

_Suddenly the guy turned to look at him and his eyes looked present and focused. He nodded and Owen saw a tear rolling down his cheek. He had to swallow as this man was a marine, he had been raised to fight, to drag in the desert carrying 20 pound of equipment without complaining, he had been trained to shoot and kill and now he was crying. It was the last evidence of an old teaching: man feels death approaching. Doctors can tell everything. But a human being feels when death is close. He pushed the thought away and forced a smile on his lips._

"_I know it's hard… I know it's hot… but you need to hold on, ok? The others are here outside to give you blood, the chopper is on the way, you need to hold on, right?"_

_Brad nodded but it was a weak sign, it was because major Hunt was his superior and he was supposed to say yes, despite everything. _

_Owen took his good hand and set the other on his sweated forehead._

"_It's fine to be scared, I would be too. But it's going to pass"_

_Another tear rolled down the guy's cheek, their eyes locked and Brad whispered something. _

"_Help… please"_

_The words were just a whisper and slurred, Owen got them just because he could read lips. If this wasn't a tragic moment, he would laugh. Two years in hell and he had got something: reading labial. It could be a word or a sentence, he got it from movements. In noise and in the battle field his senses had grown finer and he had learnt this talent. _

_Brad didn't stop. There was something else he wanted to tell him. His voice came out louder this time and Owen bent on him, his ears an inch to his mouth. His eyes snapped wider catching his words. There was a long sigh ending the sentence and Owen didn't need to look at him to know that was it._

_Brad Michaels, 24 years old from Chicago, had just exhaled his last breath._

_He looked down and saw his eyes open, with a kind gesture he closed them._

_He pulled the wet cloth on his forehead away and threw it to the ground. _

_What was he supposed to do with his last words?_

_Why this?_

_He wasn't a priest. He took a look around and sighed. He wasn't a priest but he was the only one close enough to get this confidence. At this point he didn't know what he should do about it. He looked to the dead body on the gurney and his heart clenched. _

_What could bring a man, always faithful to his country, who had sworn on a flag, to a betrayal like the one Brad had just confessed?_

_Despair, disillusion, loneliness._

_The same feelings which were filling his soul right now._

_28…_

_This was the 28th man he lost in this crazy journey and he really didn't see a reason anymore._

_He started to pace in the room raking his hair when someone entered the room and stopped at attention._

"_Colonel Ledger asked me to inform you the helicopter is on the way, sir"_

"_Thank you, Kirbie but… tell Ledger we don't need it anymore"_

_Kirbie's face fell, he knew what this meant. He sent a furtive glare to his friend's lifeless body and nodded, his voice depurated from the formality and the resolution told out loud seconds before._

"_Yes, sir…"_

_He left Owen alone in the tent and went informing his friends that their family had lost another piece._

Owen had thought time would change his perspective of what had happened in Iraq, but he was wrong.

It only grew worse.

As every time he turned on the tv he was welcomed by the news of a new death, a new loss. It was a never ending stream of pain weakening their country and nobody was doing anything to stop it.

There weren't many things to do to tell the truth, just one. Retire the troops and letting these people to their destiny. Nobody could say if it was right or wrong and there were too many interests on the plate, Owen wasn't so naïve not to know it.

War industry was something huge, never sleeping and always ready to find new stages.

What he hated was the hypocrisy behind it, it was politics denying the evidence.

People were dying down there and he had to stand talk shows with big maps like it was a great RISIKO game.

He couldn't come to terms with this and he had stop watching.

Sometimes he got a letter from the front from old friends and marines, they informed him about their achievements, about targets. And about deaths.

He had stopped answering a long time ago, he had stopped opening the envelops a long time ago. But he could recognize from the paper good news from bad news.

He had made two boxes at home and stuffed everything inside.

A part of him wasn't ready to throw everything away.

But he couldn't just plunge in that reality every day.

He felt like a traitor. He felt like he had turned his back to these people. But he had chosen, he had chosen to go back home and he couldn't feel guilty about that.

A part of him died in that desert, in that tent.

The living part couldn't take that crap anymore.

A moan took him out of his thoughts and he saw Derek pulling the drip.

He had to blink twice to push Brad's face out of his mind, the room was really different but the conditions were the same. Here there was no bomb, there was an inside killer. And he had treatments, he had every equipment a doctor would need. He jumped on his feet and stopped Derek's hand.

"Sheperd… let it in"

Derek reacted to his touch and Owen thought he had understood. His movements stilled and his eyes focused on him. But something was off, he didn't show to recognize him or whatever. He looked paralyzed. Hunt squeezed both his wrists and Derek moved a leg under the sheet.

"Sheperd…"

_He had ripped the knife out but the pain didn't go away._

_He thought he would feel relief but he was wrong. He felt blood soaking his shirt, he literally felt it pouring out. He knew he should do something to stop it, apply pressure or something but he felt drained out. Something was wrong with him, his limbs didn't obey his orders, he was slow and motionless._

_Maybe the knife had snapped his spine, he had felt a contact, he had felt a friction between the blade and his cord. He tried again and this time his hands moved, they settle on the hole in his stomach and he closed his eyes. It was unbelievable how simple gestures could cause pain and exhaustion. He was trying really hard not to throw up, he was trying not to scream, he was trying to stay awake. Maybe it wasn't so bad like he felt it. But he sensed it was bad. He was a doctor and he knew the blade had severed tissues and pierced vitals, his chest was burning, he was on the verge of passing out._

"_Sheperd…"_

_Clark called him and he opened his eyes. His face was near but everything was a blur. A slap hit his face and he bound to the inertia of the motion, his head tilted to the side and then went back to the normal position, his eyes snapped open and his attacker's face tuned. The man took his wrists and splayed his arms violently. Derek's brain wanted them to resist but a thud announced they had landed to his sides. He hadn't felt the impact. Maybe his spine was severed._

_That man had gone after Meredith and was clearly out of mind. He was not the man Derek had known, his loss had changed him for the worse and it was useless to try and find a contact with him. _

_What was going to happen… he preferred not to know._

_He was at this man's mercy, he was a puppet in his hands… his bloody hands._

_And it was maddening._

_He couldn't do anything to stop him, he couldn't do anything to defense himself._

_Clark was touching him now, he was discovering his torso God knows to do what._

_It was a strange feeling, someone who was not Meredith touching his skin._

_The gesture was supposed to be intimate but it was rude, it was an intrusion and he shivered at the feeling and tried to stop his unwanted hands. His shaking arms were shoved away like the last time and Derek promised to himself no one would never touch him again against his will._

_He closed his eyes and thought of this while the blade entered his flesh again._

"Sheperd…"

Owen called his name again when he felt him making force against his grip, trying to release his wrists.

"I know it hurts but you need to let the needle in"

He saw Sheperd's lips move but the oxygen mask prevented him to understand his whisper. He put it away for a second.

"Can you repeat please?"

His lips, dry and broken, moved again.

Don't touch me.

He hadn't mistaken… these were his words. He put the mask back on and straightened up, his hands to his sides trying to get the meaning of this.

Was he giving up?

What was wrong with him?

He tried to get closer and Derek's eyes never left him, it was like he was controlling his movements.

There was a hint of panic in the way his eyes grew wider when he sat on his bed.

Owen decided to ignore and stretched his fingers to touch Derek's arm.

Sheperd's eyes closed and he inhaled once, twice, his breath coming shorter for the malfunctioning of his lungs. Before Owen could realize, he was starting to iperventilate and the machines beeped frantically. Meredith and Cristina were startled from their sleep and stood up stroking their eyes, getting closer fast when they realized something was wrong.

"What's going on?"

"I think he's panicking"

He made a step back and Meredith took his place.

She tried to touch Derek's cheek but he turned his face aside, avoiding the contact.

_It was a slow and horrible torture. The knife pierced his ribcage and all the air left his lungs. _

_He didn't scream but it was not for self control, it was because he hadn't the strength to do it. His fists closed along his sides and his fingers stretched immediately, his nerves were deciding on their own. _

_The retrieval was as painful as the entrance, Clark pulled, forcing the knife out and he tore more flesh, he leant his other palm on Derek's chest for leverage._

Meredith stepped back and Owen tried again to create a contact with Derek.

He leant a palm on his chest and felt it soaked under the t-shirt he was wearing.

Sheperd's lips moved again and Owen felt shocked.

Clark.

That was the name he read.

That was the sign everything was going downhill.

"He is hallucinating"

Meredith looked at him like he had gone crazy and then to Derek. He was breathing heavily, it was sure, but he looked calm or… or he was terrorized. Hunt took the thermometer and despite Derek's opposition took his temperature.

"104,80… Cristina… bring ice, please"

Cristina ran out of the room and Meredith looked to Owen in panic.

"The temperature isn't going down, he's allucinating, Meredith. We need to do something"

Cristina entered the room with a basin and Owen helped her to prep it. Meredith took the chance to approach Derek, she bent on him and tried to sooth him, caressing his face.

"Der… it's me. Please… calm down"

He pulled the mask away with violence and forced words out of his mouth.

"Leave me… please… stop"

_Every wrong he had possibly made, he didn't deserve this._

_No alive, awake and aware, human being deserved this._

_The knife pierced his chest and Derek could feel it vibrate through his body for the collision to the floor. The edge jabbed in his shoulder blade._

_Clark was still yelling at him._

"Derek…"

"I didn't … kill ... Stop"

Meredith froze and Cristina's mouth fell agape.

"He's not seeing us, Meredith. Cristina, bring her out… now"

"I…"

"Out… now!"

Cristina dragged Meredith away and Owen took the ice from the tray. There were several blue, big packs and he picked up one. He pulled away Derek's sheet and ignored his reaction of fear, Sheperd moved his arms to protect himself and Owen shoved them away. He took a scissor and cut the soaked t-shirt away, it was useless in that condition. With the corner of his eyes he saw a pool forming on the mattress, between his legs but he went on. He put two packs under Derek's armpits and forced his arms closed. Derek's brain was producing his worst fears, but it was irrational and, as a doctor, Hunt knew his brain wouldn't reject the solace coming from the low temperature. He set another pack on his chest, it was not a recommended spot, but the situation was a little bit further the text book and he needed to regain the time lost waiting. He turned around quickly and took a gown, he lifted Derek's shoulders a bit and framed it, folding his chest to prevent the ice from slipping. He chose not to elaborate whatever was coming out of his friend's lips: prayers, curses, moans. Derek was living his aggression and Hunt felt he was violating his privacy, his need to keep it private and hidden. Forcing Derek's stiffened thighs, neglecting the smell of urine, he opened his legs and sets two packs under his groin, rolling a towel around his hips to secure them and he last proceeded to do the same to his ankles.

He had hoped ice would act quickly but he was wrong.

Clark was gone now and Derek's mind was filled with other presences.

Dad. Why 're you here?

Hunt felt his heart clenching, he wanted to get out of here, his head was exploding. He couldn't stay here, he couldn't watch a dear friend breaking into pieces. Still he knew Derek needed that. He stepped closer again and this time Sheperd looked calmer.

"Derek… it's Hunt. Can you hear me?"

A grunt was everything he got in response.

At least he had stopped fighting him, he had stopped struggle. He was just shivering and whispering awful secrets about his past.

Owen decided to free him from the home made strings he had created with gowns and towels. He knelt near the bed and lowered the rail, he was working on the knots when his eyes met Derek's. They were wide with fear again. He touched his hand to have him focus but, before he could react, Derek's elbow collided with his lower lip. The impact sent him backward against the machines. The impact and the surprise let him breathless on the floor for some second, his fingers tasting the wetness of blood. Apparently the noise was clearly hearable from outside as Cristina and Webber entered the room quickly, they both saw the blood spreading from his mouth and got closer.

"What the hell happened?"

Cristina tried to pull him upright but he was too heavy. She stumbled the first time but then Owen used her for balance to stand up, massaging his lips and jaw.

"He hit me"

"What?"

Richard and Cristina talked together and Owen looked at Derek. It seemed impossible looking at him, his breath was laborious and complicated, ice was working but it worsened his appearance, the sweating had increased a lot and his hands and arms were moved by tiny tremors.

"He is delirious and… he hit me. I'm fine, though. Cristina… go and wait with Meredith"

"But you need to stitch that wound"

"I'm fine"

His voice sounded more aggressive than he meant and she recoiled, frightened. He rubbed his eyes, this situation was stressing his nerves.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to yell at you, I'm sorry"

"It's fine"

Webber's voice sounded rich and soothing. One look was enough to get what was going on in there. Even Cristina seemed relieved.

"I want to help you…"

"If you want to help me, stay out of here, Cristina. You don't need to see this, you don't need to hear this. Derek would hate me if he knows I let you stay here. Please, just go out and stay with Meredith. Please…"

There was something desperate in the way he talked to her. Owen's nerves were collapsing, she knew him enough to tell. She just nodded and left. Owen rubbed his eyes again and felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and Richard was looking at him.

"He's saying stuff about Clark and his father…"

Webber looked at Derek and his heart squeezed. He looked horrible and he knew he felt worse. His stillness had been replaces by a continual and casual movement, his legs bent and stretched under the sheet, his Adam's apple moved no stop up and down his throat. He was talking, but nobody could get his words. A great part of him hoped he wouldn't understand them.

_He was lying in the elevator alone, Clark had left. Knives, him, everything. He had prayed for this loneliness minutes before. But now it was frightening. Every second which passed, he grew weaker. His brain was shutting down his body, only his pain receptors seemed to be on and perfectly functioning. That was the moment. He needed to choose if living or giving out, breathing or sleeping. It was in his hands. Stillness versus pain, peace versus torture. His mind activated for a second and it chose by itself: he was a fighter, he had to hold on. He had responsibilities, he had duties, he could do it. Counting one by one. _

_One._

_Two._

_Th.. four_

_Or three?_

_Everything looked so complicated._

_He needed help and fast._

_With a last ray of rationality he thought that his cell should still be somewhere._

_He gathered every drop of strength remaining and tried to move his arm._

_It felt like Clark stabbed him again._

_Every energy slipped away, this trials were like raging on himself and he had suffered too much already to try again. His stomach churned and he felt like vomiting. Only nothing happened. He felt something reversing inside him, more burning, blood in his nostrils. He hoped this wouldn't last long. And fate seemed to listen to him. He felt voices coming from outside. Clark or anybody else… his agony was going to end soon._

"Did the fever go down?"

"I don't know"

Owen's and Richard's eyes crossed and Hunt saw an invitation. He took the thermometer once again and made a new try. He shook his head.

"104,70"

"There must be something we can do…"

Owen sank on the couch hiding his face.

"I don't know…"

"Hunt… "

"I don't know!"

Richard looked up, this couldn't end like this.

He could hear Derek hallucinating and he had to try something. His senses were switched off, his unconscious had prevailed on everything. They needed to wake him up, they needed to root his memories to something good or, at least, less awful.

Webber sat on the bed and Owen straightened up, he breathed out when the chief took Derek's hand.

"Derek, it's Richard… I know you can hear me… just squeeze my hand if you can"

_He felt a contact, a good one. And a familiar voice. His voice was gone, he used his fingers to send a message._

Squeeze.

"Good… you need to hold on in there. Treatments are working, you're going to be fine"

_He needed to believe other doctors could fix this._

_Everything ached, he couldn't get where one part of him finished and the other began. Everything was a massive block of pain. _

"We are here with you… we are just friends. Nobody is here to hurt you"

Derek looked around but Richard was sure his eyes couldn't see. He said something and his eyes bored in his, he didn't need to read labials to get what he wanted to know.

"Meredith is fine. How are you feeling?"

Hot.

But that wasn't Richard's worry.

Well, it was.

This damned fever didn't want to go away.

But Derek's face had changed color in the last five minutes, it had gone deathly pale, a clear shadow of green.

He had started to chew and Richard got what was going to happen.

"He's going to throw up… Hunt"

Owen reacted quickly and took a can. He hurried to the bed just in time to see Richard rolling Derek to the side. He started to vomit, the contents of his empty stomach falling into the basin. It was heartbreaking, pneumonia was attacking and weakening every part of his body, it was destroying his neurologic system. And the neuro system was the key to everything else.

"Give me more ice"

Owen handled Webber some pack and he adjusted them on Derek's back and neck. He got a complain in response but he ignored it. They settled Derek on his back again. There was nothing else they could do.

"Take a nap, Hunt. I'll stay here for a while"

"Ok"

Hunt didn't even try to say no, he didn't even pretend to stay here. He just gave his back to this scene and his legs took him elsewhere. He needed to rest, he needed to relax for three minutes. He needed to relieve the pressure.

He entered an OC without thinking but stopped when he realized there was someone lying on the bed.

That someone raised its head: it was Teddy.

Owen sighed, she was a friend, he could stay.

He sat heavily on the mattress raking his hair and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I heard… how is it?"

"A mess… I…"

He just couldn't stay still and seated. He stood up and paced in the small room.

"We are not able to control the fever by now. Nothing works…"

"How is Meredith?"

"What do you think?"

Their eyes met and Owen regretted to spat at her. Teddy was trying to let him feel better and he was being rude.

"I… it's tough, Teddy. He's been delirious for hours and I… I have troubles in talking that crap and I'm a man… I worked in Iraq… I should be trained to it but… "

He hid his face and Teddy stood up too.

She knew Owen too good not to know what he was feeling.

He had remembered something.

His mind had dusted a horrible story again and he was running away.

"Lash out on me… you need it"

"I…"

"You need to keep it together with Cristina and Meredith, I get that. But there nobody here except the two of us. What's haunting you?"

"Nothing"

"Hunt… this is major Altman and you can talk to me"

He took a look at her, she was really her friend, she was really Major Altman, the woman he had probably loved for months without knowing. She was there to listen to him. And he knew anybody else could take this confidence. It wasn't a confidence to tell the truth. Not anymore. It was just a secret he had kept in his mind, he didn't know why. Just his conscience had chosen to bury it with the person it belonged to, this truth didn't need to come out and destroy more people. But now… it felt meaningless. And he didn't get why his brain had found this memory among thousand.

"It's nothing, Teddy. I don't even know why I thought about it"

"Well, it's better if it's nothing. No reason to keep silent, right?"

She was disarming, like the day she arrived in Seattle and ran under the rain to enjoy it. Iraq had made this to Teddy. Everything looked simple to her. It looked natural and original and worth to be lived. How could he possibly think to leave a friend like this behind?

"Do you remember Brad?"

A frown appeared on Teddy's face.

"Who?"

"Brad Michaels"

"Yeah… I mean… he was one of the guys who died in the attack in the refectory, right?"

Owen nodded.

"Well… what does he have to do with this?"

"I just remembered his last hours… he had the same symptoms… and… I don't know… why I thought about him"

"You thought about him as he had the misfortune to be at the wrong place in the wrong moment. As he trusted a kid to help him and he got betrayed. Guys like him got a medal for something Owen, they're heroes"

Owen closed his eyes and backed against the door. He stroke his eyes.

"He is not …"

"Excuse me?"

"I…" he giggled and Teddy thought exhaustion was really playing tricks on him. "I'm sorry but… you called him a hero and he's not a hero. He is everything but a hero and people honor his grave and cry on him but he was not a damned hero!"

There was no more amusement on his face and Teddy got Owen had kept a secret all this time. Only his heart didn't want to give out, it wanted to stay faithful. His eyes met hers and she knew it was just a matter of time.

"Right before dying he told me he had helped that kid with the bomb… He was not a hero, Teddy. He was a fucking kamikaze"

Silence stretched and Owen knew questions were coming, questions he had avoided years ago. The answer was probably less clear now than then.

"And why in hell you didn't say anything?"

"I… I…. I just couldn't"

"Why?"

"There was no sense in accusing him, he was dead. They had a guilty. There was no sense"

"No, there was instead. Two guys died for that bomb and they were honored and buried in the same place, with the same ceremony, they are resting with their assassin, Owen. That was the sense"

"I couldn't tell that mother… She had already lost her son and I should go to her and say he was a traitor? No, Teddy. There was no sense. It was better everyone remembered him as the guy he was before, it was better to define him a hero than a shame for his family and the US army. That's why I did it"

"But you're a having a second thought…. Or you had it a long time ago if this story is still in your head"

"How could it not be in my head? I stayed with him two nights and days straight, I did everything I could. God knows how happy I was he confessed everything in the end. I don't know if I would be able to cure him had I known immediately the truth"

"You would as you were a doctor"

"I know. But he did this to us, to our people. You give me too much credit, Teddy"

He stood up and stroke his face. He was the same man she had known in a hot and dusty day in Iraq. He was idealist and honest. And all the guys had respected him for this. And probably that guy had told him the truth for the same reason.

"You don't think he told you as he wanted you to say it?"

"I don't know"

"Why then? You weren't a preach, you weren't supposed to forgive him and give him a absolution"

"We had not a load of people down there… I was the only one in that room for hours, I was alone when he decided to speak"

"You don't say stuff like this to a random person, Owen. He talked to you. And I think he wanted you to tell the truth. That was his request of forgiveness"

"Unfortunately redemption would not be so easy. You know what would happen if I talked"

"Oh yes… dishonorable discharge, by now exhumation and transfer to another cemetery. A civil one"

"His mother wouldn't survive it"

"But Richard and Eric's mothers deserve to know it"

She had a point, he knew that. But everything sounded so difficult. Would the advantage be greater than the wrong? All those guys were dead... God... He had become a calculator himself. He had hidden the truth like politicians use to do when reality is too painful to be admitted. How many times attacks were committed by internal people and not enemies? Hard to know. War was a place where right and wrong melted and confused. Somewhere... He got lost too.

"I know you still receive letters from the front. And I know you don't open them. There will be a commemoration next week, Owen. Just think about it"

She left the room and he knew she wouldn't face the topic anymore. It was up to him now. Opening the box or keeping it secret. His pager beeped, Webber needed him.

* * *

Burke, Meredith twice and now Derek. Twice.

Doctors had to take care of patients, not to become patients themselves.

And this... This was worse than anything which had occurred before.

Burke had been an accident, he was unlucky to stand in the path of a bullet. His situation had worsened as he hadn't been true, but his life had never been on the line.

Meredith and Derek... Apparently they shared a bond even in this. From the bomb emergency they had been both involved in, till the ferry accident.

So different, still so same.

Brave or stupid, the line was so thin sometimes.

Derek's words had opened a new scenario on Elliott Bay, the insinuation Meredith had someway given up had shaken Richard's ground. He had promised Ellis to take care of her daughter and he had failed. Lucky for them all Sheperd was there.

Of all the days at Seattle Grace, of all the things which had happened under his management, this was surely in the top five. He would never forget when Bailey paged him, he would never forget how lost Derek looked, his eyes lucid with tears he was not afraid to cry in front of everyone, how dead Meredith looked. And was. That was the day he recognized these two were meant to be together. But spilling this knowledge in their hearts... Well... It was another story. Meredith Grey was a hurricane. She had played hide and seek for months with Derek and he had taken it all. But, some way along the line, the light switched off and Richard had truly thought he would give up on her.

And that would be the end.

As the guy he knew... He never bailed in front of anything.

He was restless and arrogant enough to keep going.

His lectures and the attempts of all his attendings when he was a resident back in New York had failed. Or succeeded. He had been forged to be a top class, and here he was, fifteen years later, proud winner of a prestigious award and happy almost father.

Unfortunately Gary Clark had stood in the middle of this.

Months had passed but Webber still found it shocking... The idea that a man had waited for one of his guys and hurt him in the hospital, their hospital, their home. It was just like a domestic violence.

The trial was over, justice had been made. For the US law at least. Clark would stay in jail for six years thanks to his lawyer and Derek's help.

It wasn't fair. And what was even more unfair was that Derek's life was another time at stake. Because of that man, because of the damages he had caused to a healthy and trained man.

He pushed bad thoughts away, he needed to think positive, he needed to believe things were going to sort out positively. Derek would come out of this stronger, a phoenix from its ashes, just like the first time he had an accident.

_Dr. Webber raked a hand in his short brown hair reading the text on his pager._

_"Problems?"_

_"No, Peter. Sheperd wants to meet us downstairs, asap"_

_His friend chuckled, the case they had assigned to the young resident was really becoming a medical mystery._

_"Has he found anything?"_

_"No, scans are clear, MRI is clear, blood tests are fine"_

_"So?"_

_"I don't know... We are going down to listen, remember?"_

_His face was serious and a little crossed, Peter was having the time of his life._

_"Don't you find this funny?"_

_"What? That we have a man who can't say anything but that boring sentence? I could really start to think he was actually kidnapped by aliens or something"_

_"Relax, Webber. It's a beautiful day to save lives"_

_They both chuckled entering the elevator._

_"Don't say it in front of Derek. He's been hearing these words from yesterday's morning..."_

_"The kid needed harder bread. And some little failure. What are we here for otherwise?"_

_" I thought to help residents to succeed and learn, not to enjoy their bad outcomes"_

_"And you're right... That's why we gloat in the elevator, outside we'll be the concerned and worried teachers"_

_"If I think Derek sees you as his model..."_

_"I am... And you're too. But he's still the pet and we're the lions. We are building his bones" They walked out of the elevator and turned a corner, spotting a snorting and apparently tired dr. Sheperd._

_"More like breaking them"_

_"Shut up and keep it together"_

_They approached the young doctor who was focused on his papers and didn't seem to acknowledge their arrival. Webber cleared his throat._

_"Dr. Sheperd... Did you page?"_

_"Yes, sir..." he looked up and there was a dark shadow in his blue eyes, tiredness and disappointment. Richard knew he was on call from 32 hours, the guy should be dead tired. Still he was there trying to solve the problem. Badass. "I've just picked up last exams and they are all clear"_

_"I know... What do you plan to do then?"_

_"I was considering a psychological consult... Maybe an hypnoses session"_

_"Excuse me?" Peter couldn't control his reaction and Richard rolled his eyes. This didn't attach Derek's confidence though._

_"We have ran every possible text on this man. He hasn't physical injuries, all scans are clear, he is negative to schizophrenia, neurological diseases, everything..."_

_"So you want to hypnotize him to hear how green men took him for a ride in the space?" Peter was playing ugly to Derek and Richard had to fight the laughter which was threatening to explode, it was unbelievable what a good actor his friend was. They were playing the final exam to their resident, a comedy where they had to destroy his theories and see if he was strong and good enough to fight for them. They both liked Derek Sheperd, they knew he respected them; so they were pushing the game a little beyond the normalcy. This didn't seem to upset the young doctor. If he was pissed, he hid it well._

_"I really don't think he was kidnapped. But I think he has stored some memory in his brain which could help him coming out of this deadlock. It's been three days and we have found anything"_

_"You have found anything"_

_"Did you?"_

_That was it. The boy had become a man, the pet had grown lion. Few people, few doctors could roar against Peter Fletcher like this and not being spanked right and there. Silence stretched in the waiting room and Derek realized many doctors and nurses were openly staring at them. Maybe he had overstepped this time. He had been unrespectful, he had spat back to his boss. Who happened to like him but it wasn't enough. He swallowed trying to think of what to say to excuse himself. Dr. Fletcher made a step in his direction, his face serious and tensed. After four years, apparently Derek was going to be the subject of a major scene. He swallowed again but, to his surprise, Peter's face softened in a smile, his hand stretching in his direction._

_"Well done, Dr. Sheperd"_

_"Excuse me?" _

_"Will you shake my hand or not?"_

_Derek didn't get what was going on, His bosses had to be mad and they were being all smiley to him. Was it a joke? He took the offered hand anyway, doubtful like his mentor could knock him down with a sudden move. There was no surprise though._

_"You saw past our game and managed the case well. If you think mr. Yawl needs a psycho consult, ask for it. You passed our test today"_

_"Test?"_

_"Come on... Don' tell me you have never heard about it. Richard and I... choose the most brilliant resident and put him through the ringer to see if he's actually ready to become an attending. You were... You are. So don't botch your exam as we have already a contract ready for you. Head of Neuro... I hope it's enough for you Sheperd... I personally sponsored you... Don't screw my career with yours. And now leave, go home. Females support your candidature for your pretty face. If they saw you now... They could even rip the papers off ... See you tomorrow" _

_Dr. Fletcher turned around and left, Richard smiled seeing Derek's mouth agape, the doctor had been really surprised... Almost shocked. That was another sign this guy was hundreds feet above the others. He was so good he didn't know it, he was a natural and thought everybody had his same gifts. It was not like that._

_"See you tomorrow"_

_Webber walked away and Derek stood in the mid of the hallway for many minutes before going away._

_Peter and Richard were walking to the ER, their pagers had sounded simultaneously._

_"I really don't get why he paged us to the ER... What can he possibly do there?"_

_"Wait and see... Maybe he found something in the end"_

_"I told him to go home, not to look for medical miracles"_

_"Yeah... but you also told him a six zero contract is waiting for him in months... Did you really think he would go home to celebrate?"_

_"Of course I did... He has a great, proud family and a beautiful girlfriend"_

_"Who is on call tonight..."_

_"And some crazy friend to toast with"_

_They pushed the doors open and approached a nurse._

_"Elizabeth..."_

_"He's down there, dr. Webber"_

_Richard and Peter shared a confused look. How the nurse could possibly know Derek had paged them? And why did she look so worried? Webber followed her anyway, his heart sank when she opened the curtain to reveal a patient... the patient... No other than Derek._

_"God... What the hell happened?"_

_Peter took a pair of gloves and wore them, approaching their student immediately._

_"The paramedics said he crushed his bike on the way home... By himself probably... The road was slippery... A taxi driver noticed the debris passing by and called 911"_

_"How long did he stay there?"_

_"Almost an hour probably... The accident was two blocks from here"_

_"And we are in New York city..."_

_Peter was making a first visit, touching Derek's abdomen looking for internal bleeding. Richard was reading the chart._

_"Why didn't you call us stat?"_

_"I did as soon as I recognized him, sir"_

_"Yeah... But I thought he was paging us, not that he was the object of the page" _

_Richard looked down to Sheperd, he was unconscious, the only trauma, apart from bruises and some cuts, was to the head._

_"Has he ever been conscious?"_

_"Yes, but he was confused"_

_"How can you say it?"_

_Peter's voice was harsh and Richard read the answer on the nurse's face before she said it loud._

_"The paramedic told me I should call his father... as he was mumbling something about him"_

_Everybody in the hospital still remembered that evening, the evening when Derek was brought in covered in blood. His father's blood. The story had been on local newspapers for weeks but, unfortunately, the police wasn't able to find the responsible and the murderer was still around, free to harm again._

_Peter moved Derek's eyelashes and flashed a pen in his pupils. He got a reaction._

_"I think he's waking up... Pupils are responsive"_

_They all stilled, the patient was moving and his eyes were fluttering open. They adjusted to the light with discomfort._

_"Derek..." _

_Richard's voice was gentle and captured his attention, when their eyes met the black man smiled to him. _

_He was a doctor... He thought this man was a doctor... And he called him Derek... Was this his name? Panic washed over him when he tried to focus on himself, his family, his house. Nothing. And where was he? He looked around scared and Peter and Richard read this fear before he voiced their sudden worry._

_"Where am I?"_

_Wrong, wrong, wrong. Peter's eyes screamed this to Richard._

_"You're at Mont Sinai Hospital, son"_

_Derek's eyes scanned the room like it was the first time he saw it. He tuned the two faces standing over him, he tried to place them somewhere in his memories but everything was blank._

_"Who are you?"_

_Peter turned around, Richard knew he wasn't able to do this. And he also knew he somehow felt responsible. He looked back to Derek, he was suffering for amnesia and they needed to discover how bad, how far. They needed to keep him calm. He smiled soothingly,_

_"We are dr. Webber and Fletcher, Chief of General surgery and Chief of Surgery"_

_Nothing, their names and qualification didn't say anything to him._

_"You had an accident with your bike. Do you remember that?"_

_Derek shook his head._

_"Crash victims rarely remember their accidents"_

_Derek had uttered those words so calmly that Richard thought he had remembered everything. But it wasn't true. He looked scared by his own knowledge._

_"It's true. We are taking you down for some test, ok?"_

_"Ok..."_

_Richard took Peter's elbow to lead him out but Sheperd's voice surprised them again._

_"Sir... Do you know me?"_

_Richard turned around to look at him. It was impossible to say what he remembered or not, for sure he didn't recognize them and the place he worked in. And Richard was quite sure he didn't know his own name. But the first rule in cases like this was not losing track or patience, they had to let him time and space. It could be a temporary amnesia due to the impact and the shock, it could be something worse. But just tests could say it. By now he needed to stay calm and know he was in good, friendly hands. _

_"Yes, we know you. Just rest now. It's gonna be ok"_

_Tests revealed there was no sign of brain injury, nothing meaningful. Just a concussion which probably caused the memory loss. It was a matter of time and every piece of the puzzle would go back to its place. Addison and Mark had stopped by and it was strange to Richard to watch them interact without the usual complicity and lightness coming from years of friendship. Derek had started to remember something, good and bad things. He knew he was a doctor here for example and he was breaking his brain to get more memories out of it._

_"You need to be patient, Derek"_

_"It's easier to say than doing it"_

_"I know. But consider this as an extra day off. Just rest and call me as soon as you remember something. Anything"_

_"Ok..."_

_"Anytime... Come to look for me. It's important to insist when the memory opens by itself"_

_"I'll do it"_

_They left Derek in his room, a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants as pyjamas. He was reading a magazine... Trying to at least. Doctors and nurses and residents stopped in his room to say hi and saying a good word. It was good on one hand as they kept him company, but from the other Richard and Peter knew that memory would come back relaxing and thinking which, with a dozen of people around, wasn't easy._

_It was just four hours later, in the middle of the night, that something epic happened, something which printed on Derek's skin one of his most famous trademarks. _

_Richard and Peter were in the OR together, like many times. They enjoyed to work together, they were a good team, in and outside the hospital. Their wives were friends, proud members of the Country Club and, for their luck, they were fancy and elegant but not mindless as many other ladies of the Big Apple. They liked shopping, good clothes, jewels but they didn't like wasting money just to get new stuff every day. They devolved their time to social, Adele had started to work as syndicalist for nurses. They had reached the top but didn't forget their roots. _

_For Peter and Richard it was the same. They had become famous surgeons, they could afford to be part of the big world but nothing was as relaxing and exciting like a night surgery. Many colleagues thought they were fool to stand night shifts at their age and position, but that was the essence of being doctors. _

_Younger fellows would kill to be able to share an OR with the both of them. Galleries were always full and even this time, with the clock striking 2am, it was the same. _

_They had just ended a conversation about New York mayor and the projects on the requalification of Brooklyn area, the room was deathly silent when the door hissed and someone entered._

_Dr. Fribbs, the anesthesiologist, grew paler at the sight in front of him and Richard turned around quickly to take a look. His eyes went back to the table before his brain could get and decode the images his eyes had seen. He turned around again, surprise and disbelief evident in his voice._

_"Derek?"_

_Peter's hand shook a bit for surprise, lucky him he was choosing an instrument and not operating. He turned around himself and saw Derek sitting on a wheelchair, dressed like the last time he had seen him in his room, apparently alone in this enterprise. He look disoriented and probably not so sure about the place he was and what he was doing. His hands rested on the wheels and that was a clear sign of Peter's fears._

_"Please, tell me you didn't come in here without scrubbing in..."_

_Derek frowned... Scrubbing in... Definitely the idea hadn't crossed his mind._

_"And how could he possible scrub in a freaking wheelchair, you genius!"_

_Richard set the instruments down and approached Derek. He took away his gloves and masks. The guy really looked disoriented and he needed to be rooted down to something or someone. Richard ignored the gossips in the OR and the whispers coming from the gallery, everyone was expecting a wide rage outburst but he wasn't going to make a scene. After all he had told Derek to come and look for them if he remembered something. This wasn't probably what he meant but... Screw the people around. If he had felt to stand up and come in here, they would listen to him._

_"Did you remember something?"_

_Derek just nodded and Richard knew it was other bad stuff, not something he probably wanted to share with all the people in here. Probably his father... From the first moment they had realized he had suffered a temporary amnesia, Richard had thought of this moment. It must be awful. Forgetting who you are. But it must be worse remembering how you lost one of the main figures of your life, it must be like living it again and again. It must be heartbreaking, and it was happening now. There was nothing he could tell to release the pain, there was nothing he could do. Derek met Peter's eyes and his words, uttered months ago, echoed in his ears._

_I'm sorry, son. We did everyone we could but... _

_Peter sensed the moment too._

_"I'm sorry, Derek. I'm really sorry"_

_"I know"_

_"There's something else you remember?"_

_"I don't know..."_

_"Excuse me? What does it mean you don't know it? You remember or you don't"_

_"I can't place this memory... It's strange but I feel like it's strong..."_

_"Can you share it?"_

_"I guess I can"_

_"I mean... No secret lovers, scandals, dark secrets, right?"_

_Someone giggled in the room, after all they would pay to hear something juicy about Sheperd-sky._

_"Lucky me I chose to wait for the right one by myself and not to accept your blind dates"_

_Richard erupted in a laughter, it was loud and sincere. Unluckily for Peter, Derek's memory was not selective._

_"You really remembered about the girl I introduced you to? Don't blame me. I really didn't know she was such a pain. Anyway... Skip memory... I could help you with the new one..."_

_"It's not a memory to tell the truth... It's not a face or something... It's just a sentence"_

_"A sentence?"_

_"It's a beautiful day to save lives... That's what I remember. It's always the same voice repeating it in different ways but... I can't place it"_

_"So you came in here to tell us this?"_

_"You told me to look for you anytime I remembered anything"_

_"It's true. And I can promise you this... Let me finish this surgery and I'll come to your room. You'll remember everything then, I promise"_

_Derek went away and Peter was right. His memory came back in full force after an hour. When they joined him in his room, they didn't find him excited or happy like he was supposed to be, but beaten up and kind of depressed._

_"I don't get how I could do that... Entering an OR on a wheelchair, without scrubbing in or anything... I would really understand if you fired me"_

_"I'm not going to fire you. But I have to say it was pretty funny"_

_"It was humiliating..."_

_"You have the alibi you didn't remember a crap of your life. People are supposed to be confused"_

_"Yeah... Not to screw around"_

_"Don't worry... Your reputation won't be affected by this but..."_

_Derek flinched seeing him grinning._

_"What?"_

_"Do you feel for seeing something?"_

_He didn't, he felt like crap. His ribs ached. They weren't broken but they hurt. And his head was exploding. But Derek sensed Peter was treating him like a pair, he was cracking jokes and taking fun of him. And despite the bad day and the accident, he liked it. He pushed his legs out of the bed and stood up, gripping Richard's shoulder for support. They led him to an OR and he started to think this hadn't been a great idea. They stop in the scrub room and started to wash their hands, Derek was looking beyond the glass. When he looked to the two old doctors they were staring at him, waiting._

_"You'll scrub in this time, won't you?"_

_He washed his hands quickly and wore a gown. They entered the sterile zone and Derek finally recognized the patient._

_"It's my patient. Why is he here?"_

_"The hypnoses session proved to be a success. He woke up and that stupid sentence was gone"_

_"So why is he here on the table?"_

_"He had an accident driving home and he has a small bleed... Nothing bad, dr. Odry is going to fix it. We just thought it would be nice if you started the procedure with a good wish"_

_Derek quirked his brow questionably and Peter smiled. Everything got clear in an instant._

_"Come on... This one?"_

_"It's a tradition, you know it, and why not? It's short and pertinent and simple. And today was the day... It's relied to the test and your definitive affirmation, I think it's perfect"_

_Derek looked to Richard, he was smiling too._

_"Ok..."_

_That was it. This would be his motto from now on. Every surgery, every procedure, every failure, every success, every day of his life. He smiled pronouncing it in his head, it was true. He sounded good. And today his life had been on the line too so... It was really pertinent. His thoughts were interrupted by the hiss of the sliding door. He looked up and saw dr. Odrey coming in. He waved his hand cheering, everything was ready. Apparently everybody knew what was going to happen. Peter cleared his throat. _

_"The procedure is going to start soon. We leave the honor to initiate it to dr. Sheperd... Dr. Sheperd, please..."_

_This was the famous baptism of the future attending, Derek took a look around and saw admiration in the doctors' eyes. He cleared his throat, his voice came out a little bit shaking, but it was forgivable. His head had smashed against a pole some hour ago._

_"It's a beautiful day to save lives"_

His career had lived a milestone that day. Now it was on the top. Harper Avery and incoming trial to cure Halzheimer. Everything after this night of panic.

The temperature had dropped a bit, much less than expected, they had flowed his body with rivers of medicines and treatments and the results had been weak, if not minor. Richard had paged Owen, he couldn't move Derek by himself, he was too heavy and unpredictable.

In the await, his mind spaced far away.

It was unbelievable to take care of a loved one in these conditions. He sighed thinking back to Ellis, the strong, independent woman he had loved and known, stack into a bed, not able to move, to stand. Meredith had to do this stuff for days, moving her mother, feeding her, washing her. She was a tiny woman with a great strength.

When you get married you promise this: to take care of each other in health and sickness. But a daughter shouldn't be called to do that. There had to be a husband, someone... And he had to be that one. His cowardice had brought her there, his story had broken the marriage between Ellis and Tatcher and, when it was time to take the place of her father, he had walked away. Sometimes we say great words to prove love and feelings. Sometimes gestures and actions say much more. The relationship between mother and daughter had been tough, to say it easy, Ellis had often voiced her regret for mothering a daughter. And Meredith was there to hear it. Despite that, she had never abandoned her, she had never neglected her duties. And today fate had asked her the same to her husband. A little bit much to take.

But this was health... You never care till you have it and regret when it's gone. Ask a doctor his best wishes about death. He would tell you the same thing over again: it's better to die a bit younger but with every function active than vegetating in a bed for years. The problem is that you never get to choose and getting older fears grow bigger and more haunting.

Despite how active and good he felt, he was entering the last stage of his life with Adele. They were becoming two pensioners riding together towards the final sunset. They were fine, thank God. Lately Adele had acted a bit strangely, she looked a bit out of it, distracted and short of memory. But she had left her work and her activities at the foundation so it was normal. Brain if not stimulated properly could quickly lose its quickness and elasticity. And Richard doubted that, despite Adele's assessments, the country club women speeches could be enough to keep her thinking hemispheres working. He had promised to take more time from work to spend with her, but everything had spin out of control lately. Chief of Surgery seemed to follow him everywhere, he wanted to get rid of the duty but it always came back to him, unwanted and doomed of bad luck.

He stop his stream of consciousness when the door opened and Owen appeared on the door. His face didn't look more relaxed than before.

"Did you page, Chief?"

"Yes, I wanted to flip him to change the ice but... I guess I'm too old to do this by myself"

"I'll help"

Owen didn't accept the joking, he just approached the bed, a soldier obeying orders.

"Are you fine, dr. Hunt?"

"Yes, sir. This story has just awakened old memories and... I hoped I wouldn't deal with them anymore"

"I think I know what you mean... Anything I can do?"

"No, thank you anyway..."

He looked down to Derek who seemed to be staring at them both.

"How is he?"

"The same. Let's change the packages and see if it gets any better. I'll get closer first, ok?"

Owen nodded, even if Webber's delicacy really looked useless here. Sheperd really looked out of everything, he was mumbling something but nobody was paying attention. Richard sat on the bed and brushed his shoulder.

"Shep?"

_The evening had been a perfect, absolute failure._

_And it was frustrating._

_His sisters had treated Elizabeth like Ellen an year ago._

_Like crap._

_They had invaded her space and made embarrassing questions. Even if his parents had tried to control the situation, he knew he had made a poor figure. She had left now, a little bit upset but still smiling. But he knew their relationship wouldn't survive the first familiar date. It was pissing. Probably things were not supposed to be anyway, but he would rather to get it by himself, not to have his sisters choosing for him. He could hear their comments even now, they were adjusting the kitchen with mum, saying harsher things like he weren't right outside to hear them. He sighed and a strong hand gripped his shoulder. He looked back over it and saw his father sitting on the steps next to him, two cold beers in his hands. He handled him one smiling and a little bit of disillusion faded away._

_"She was nice"_

_Derek chuckled, brushing his lips with the back of his hand._

_"You don't need to lie, dad"_

_"I'm not. She could be worse... She could be a republican or support Giants"_

_"She does indeed... I told her not to out it"_

_"Oh... So bad"_

_"I know she wasn't the right one... I felt it but... I really wanted to give it a shot"_

_"You still can"_

_"Do you really think she'll date me again after what the girls told her about me?"_

_"Why not? If she has brothers or sisters she'll know how these things work"_

_"She has none... And it's not only what they told her about me... It was more what they implied about her. She's not a stupid, dad. This was not a welcome to our family dinner"_

_"Don't be mad at them... Maybe they sensed your doubts and voiced them for you"_

_"I don't need that. I can manage my stuff. I just want to bring home a girl without this, the judging, the bitching... Why are women so harsh to each others?"_

_"I don't think the problem is each others. I guess it's you. Your sisters love you... They can have a strange way to show it, but they do. And they think you're an easy target, you're a good guy and you think good of everyone. They don't want you to get hurt"_

_"You picture me like I'm a moron, dad"_

_"You're not... You have a rare quality to be a guy, Derek. You are sensitive and you don't hide it. You talk about your feelings and this makes you an easy target"_

_"I can take care of myself"_

_"I know... I also know you could take care of everybody in here if something happened to me or Mum... But you're still my son, and I feel to tell you this pathetic stuff" _

_Derek looked away, his father was staring at him with his piercing blue eyes and he sensed he was trapped, the question was coming. He had stayed out for hours in the previous days to avoid it, but now he had no way out. He took a sip of his frozen beer and it felt good._

_"Markie told me about your quarrel with Devin..."_

_He swallowed the bitter liquid with a gulp, cleaning his mouth once again. Mark was a good friend, his best, but he was also Sheperd's sixth son, the most talkative one. And he had spilled his parents the embarrassing contents of his fight with his sister's flirt. With Sarah, an year younger than him, it was useless to talk about boyfriend, she changed company with the quickness of a train. This last was an ass and Derek knew him pretty good. He was one of his mates at college, last year and he didn't do anything to be nice to him. On the contrary, he praised his conquers during classes and last time Derek heard a naughty comment on his sister, he lost his balance and faced him. It was a loss of time as Sarah had dumped him the previous day, that was probably the sense of the moron's outburst. But it had felt bad; this guy had attended his house, eaten dinner with them twice or so. Calling his sister a whore was definitely out of lines. The problem was that the fight had degenerated, words had slipped to actions and Derek had come home with a bruise on his cheek. He had avoided the conversation mumbling something about an accident during the basket game, but he knew his father wouldn't buy it, he was a man, he had been a boy himself, some signs are impossible to neglect. Sarah had thanked him for his help and Derek had obtained her silence. Apparently Mark's mouth was deeper. And it was not a surprise. He breathed out hearing his father's words, the topic wasn't worth, he had nothing to do with that guy anymore and so did Sarah. What was the meaning of this?_

_"So you know. There's nothing I want to add to this thing"_

_He tried to stand up but Dad stop him. It was a firm grip, strong but gentle, and Derek fell on his ass again snorting._

_"But I do. Violence is never an answer, Derek"_

_"Words sometimes are not enough though. What was I supposed to do? Pretending not to hear him?"_

_"Of course not. But getting a punch on your face wasn't better, don't you think? And Mum got a letter from the principal. You don't want to waste your top class ranking for an ass, do you?"_

_Derek sighed, his father was right, as usual._

_"I know that sometimes you feel trapped in here. Four sisters are a difficult burden to take around, I feel the same you know? We'd need space, we' d need silence. And five women under the same roof are everything but quietness. And I feel guilty as lately I spent much time at the shop and I don't have time for our manly days... I miss those"_

_"Me too"_

_"I promise I'll make up for it. We'll take a couple of days to go fishing... I've found a place full of trouts and isolated... just you and me, what do you say?"_

_"Just tell me when..."_

_"You'll find time for your old... Seriously? In your full schedule of school, lessons, basket and the horde of girls hitting on you according to your sisters?"_

_"They oversee things... And now they got rid of Elizabeth, there's nobody after me"_

_"That's good. So I can count you won't spank my girls in there?"_

_"Sure"_

_"And you won't get involved in other fights?"_

_"I'll try"_

_"Good"_

_There was a moment of silence but it wasn't awkward, it wasn't empty. Derek got lost in the beauty of New York skyline shining in the warm and clear evening._

_"Derek..."_

_"Uhm?"_

_"Now that your Mum is not overhearing anymore behind the door..." Derek turned to look to his father stunned by his words and the smirk on his face "I wanted to tell you that I'm proud you kicked that stupid's ass. I would have done it myself but... It would feel worse coming from a grown up. Your sister cried for hours and she refused to tell what had happened. She was truly happy for what you did for her, and she decided to do the same for you"_

_"She beat someone?"_

_"No... But... How can I say it without saying anything? She wanted to open your eyes tonight. And they got the purpose"_

_"So they had the evidence Elizabeth was fooling me around?"_

_His father raised his hands in surrender._

_"I didn't tell you anything, remember?"_

_Derek nodded and looked away, for the second time his father's hand gripped his shoulder._

_"You'll find the right girl, son. And when you'll do it, we'll be the first to cherish her"_

_"What if it never happens? What if I can't get it?"_

_"You'll do it. It's in your genes. You can lie to yourself but not to your heart. And I'm sure you'll recognize mrs. Derek Sheperd at once, just meeting her eyes. It's how it worked for me and your mum... And you know what? It's still the same. Some say love changes along the years but it's not true. We get wiser, we have children. But the feelings is the same and I wish you'll prove it in all its strength, I know you will. As you are just like me. You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings, they don't make you weaker. On the contrary..."_

_Derek sighed, he really needed to hear those words, this was his weak spot. Guys of his age were just interested in fooling around, they went from girl to girl, they experienced all kind of sex, some called it an initiation and his best buddy was the master teacher. A part of Derek didn't want to know, but he was pretty sure Mark had been involved with his sisters too but it was an image he didn't want to enter his brain. _

_For him everything was different. He was a good looking guy, he liked the flirting and the dating, but if a girl didn't match his liking, he didn't push further; with Elisabeth he had realized days before there was something out of the picture, she had shown aspects of her character not so likable, but he was nervous about his exams and didn't want to rush into sudden decisions. What his father had told him had opened a window of disillusions and warnings but also of self satisfaction, his instinct hadn't botched, it hadn't lied. A bell had rang in his head and this made him happy and self assured about his ability to understand people._

_The door of the porch opened and his mother made her appearance. She was holding a tray full of empty glasses and plates, she smiled to her two favorite men._

_"I was starting to think you had disappeared"_

_"No, we were just enjoying the panorama and this delicious breeze"_

_"Come in now though. Tomorrow you both need to wake up soon"_

_It was a gentle request but it had the same impact of an order. That was the magic of Caroline Sheperd. She didn't need to yell, even if she was really good at it. Her words were gentle but commending and nobody had doubts anymore: she was the one leading the family. And Michael Sheperd was proud of it. Many men felt cheapened for stuff like that, but not his father. He was present and caring, and he gave a lot of value to his wife's role in the family. She was a concrete woman, she had to be to manage five children grown teen and women even. And her babies were aware of what they were allowed to do and do to behave properly. _

_Both the Sheperds men stood up and entered the room quietly, mr. Sheperd kissed his wife's cheek quickly._

"Derek?"

Richard saw his pupils reacting to light and tuning the image, he squeezed his shoulder a little tighter and with the other hand felt his forehead, for the first time it wasn't burning but just warm.

"Dad…"

"Derek, it's Richard... Wake up, it was just a bad dream"

He knew he was lying, but Sheperd's brain was reactivating after the consuming feather, he'd rather let him think he was sleeping rather than telling him the truth about this night.

"Come on, focus on me, take your time but focus on me right here"

He stopped talking and waited for a response, a reaction, anything which confirmed he was actually taking control of his functions again. For several minutes Derek's eyes were blankly fixed on the wall behind Richard and Webber thought his wish to see improvements was taking fun of his medical skills. He sensed Derek's skin again and he breathed out in release: it was not just an impression, the temperature was going down, Owen handled him the thermometer and the instrument gave him the confirm. 102.2 .

He took a pack of ice and set it on Sheperd's neck, on his pulse point. A groan left his lips and he looked to the disturber.

"Cold…"

He tried to move his hand towards the ice but a grimace appeared on his face and he bailed. Richard smiled though. These words, weak, almost whispers, were sweet music to his ears.

"How do you feel?"

Derek chewed sometimes, he tasted an awful smell coming from his mouth, his tongue was sticky, his saliva was acid but he didn't remember vomiting... One thing he was sure of: he felt like crap, literally.

"Like I ran a marathon... But I'm sure I didn't so... I don't have a clue of what happened..."

"Your temperature raised suddenly... You got pneumonia..."

Derek's closed his eyes, it was just like a brick fell on his head. He knew it was a possible complication, but in his case it was minor. He had stayed under ventilator less than two hours. Apparently it was enough to attack his lungs. He felt pain breathing hard, he felt pain breathing anyhow to tell the truth. Fever, high fever, taste of vomit... His brain had taken his time but was starting to function now.

"How high?"

"It picked to 105,00 and stayed there for some hour before we could control it... You didn't seize though"

"But I had convulsions and vomited on you"

Richard sighed and nodded, Derek raked a hand in his hair and stop horrified to feel them sticky and pasted with sweat. His hand fell on the mattress and his eyes lingered on Owen's face, there was something strange in it but his mind was not ready and quick enough to process it at once. He forced himself to concentrate and realized what was out of picture: Owen's lower lip was bleeding... had bled recently.

"What happened to you?"

Owen eyed Webber quickly and decided to play his game.

"Nothing and..." he looked to his pager like it beeped but it hadn't "I think it's better I go downstairs. They're waiting for me..."

He smiled to Derek and left, the ball was in Richard's hands, Webber sat on the bed.

"Would you please tell me everything please?"

"There's nothing more to tell, Derek, but what I already did. You had a bad fever and now it's over"

"What happened in the while? Did I punch him?"

" You hit him but it was not on purpose"

"And my stats worsened so much I lost control of my body... Don't try to deny it... I can still feel the wet between my legs"

"Ok, so? You are a human being and when internal temperature hits 105 you know it can happen, you were lucky you won't have consequences. Do you want to feel bad about that?"

"No, I feel bad as I can imagine the rest. Did I talk?"

Richard looked away, he hated this aspect of Derek's character, he always wanted to know. He still knew his mouth had said something inconvenient, but he didn't want to let it go, to give it a rest. He wanted to know everything, to get how deep his weakness had been, it was an exercise of self-destruction and it was useless.

"Richard..."

"You were delirious and probably hallucinated".

He watched while Derek's eyes filled with tears.

"You didn't tell anything I didn't know though. And I kept Meredith and anyone else out of here"

Derek looked to him and Richard read something in his eyes... Hope

"Really?"

"She's out with Yang, she didn't see and hear any of it, Derek, I swear. I knew you would want it like this and I did it, you're fine and your memories are safe with me, you know that. Drop this topic please. There are so many things to think about and this must be your last worry. My main concern now is your health. How do you feel?"

"Tired... Sore..."

"Do you want me to give you something to sleep?"

"Later maybe... Can I see Meredith now"

"Sure"

Webber stood up and walked to the door, he took the handle to open it

"Richard..."

"Yes?"

"Thank you... It meant a lot to me"

Webber just smiled, he knew Derek was sincere and he was happy he could help.

"Don't even say it..."

"Bring my apology to Hunt, please"

Webber nodded, it had been an awful night, he had let many thoughts enter his mind, some bad, other good. He had taken some space to think about hospital matters and even some gossip. Without meaning it, Derek had just given him and inevitable assist. The mood had sobered up and he tried, speaking using a light tone.

"Just him?"

"Why? Did I punch someone else?"

"Don't know. Nurse Anna had a band aid on her nose this morning. It was nice and it gave... something to her charme... And your assistant had a very dark bruise on his face... It would match perfectly with the scratch on your knuckle"

Derek chuckled, apparently there could be no secrets in this hospital.

"Go and find Meredith, please"

"Ok..."

* * *

_The room was dark but for the candles surrounding her tube. _

_She really liked candles._

_Red, green, yellow... Spreading exotic aromas everywhere, helping her relaxing after a tough day of work. _

_The water was cold, she had been lying there for more than an hour now. She had meant to wait for Derek but he hadn't showed up. Probably he had called to warn her but she had left her cell in the purse, downstairs, and the tube was too good to stand up and walk to take it._

_Music was sounding softly, Meredith had closed her eyes to abandon to the great pleasure she was feeling. She was totally under water, just her face emerged. Bubbles soap had dissolved, the water was clear, sometimes a drop fell from the faucet and disturbed the atmosphere with its unharmonious, gross sound. _

_She had to get out now if she didn't want to get a cold or something. And she needed to call Derek._

_She opened her eyes, ready to stand on her feet._

_The feeling of cold she had been sensing disappeared suddenly, a new warmness spreading into her bones. She smiles to herself and looked to the water._

_The breath hitched in her throat and a wave of nausea risked to have her vomit._

_She raised a hand from under the water and it came out red... With blood._

_The tube was full of blood._

_She jumped on her feet and out on the white carpet, soaking it with red, awful liquid. She took a towel and it became red._

_Red, red, red... _

_Blood was everywhere._

_She searched her body but she was fine, she hadn't cuts, she wasn't hemorrhaging. She took a step and heard the unmistakable sound of a pool... Her foot had trodden a pool of blood._

_She looked around confused and horrified... The liquid flowed under the closed door to the corridor._

_She wore her bathrobe and followed it._

_It had probably soaked the floor everywhere, she needed to get where it came from and where it went. _

_"Derek"_

_His name echoed in the empty house, lights were off, nobody was in._

_Her instinct told her to go to her room, she walked trying to avoid the liquid spread on the ground., _

_She didn't want her bloody footsteps everywhere._

_She opened the door and something captured her eyes immediately._

_There was something on the floor._

_She had probably forgotten sheets or clothes in the morning._

_They rested there, abandoned and crumpled all together._

_She knelt to pick them up but to her surprise the mass wasn't soft, it was hard..._

_The crumpled mass tuned and she recognized a form... a human form._

_"Derek!"_

_In the darkness her fingers had caressed his silky hair and she had recognized it immediately._

_She turned him on his back and he was covered in blood..._

_Blood came from there... From him._

_He was unconscious, his eyes closed... Not completely... His skin was pale... Too pale. She tried to shake him, call him but he didn't give her any sign he was awake._

_Every stimulation she gave him was useless... He didn't budge, he didn't stir, he didn't open his eyes._

_She stared at his body, not to his face. His beautiful features had captured her eyes and attention and she had ignored all the rest. There was a hole in his chest... Maybe two. And one in his abdomen... And his chest... It didn't move. There was no sign of respiration. She set two shaky fingers on his pulse point and she started to scream._

_He was dead._

_"Derek... Nooooo! Derek!"_

_She doubled on him, crying and sobbing, screaming his name like she could wake him up. She didn't know how long she kept doing that, the silence broken just by her whimpers and cries. Her chest ached, her throat burn, her eyes were swollen and almost unrecognizable. She looked to the ceiling, through it to the sky, like to get how these kind of things could actually happen In the world._

_There was no sense, there was nothing but tears and despair._

_"Mommy..."_

_The tiny voice broke her private hell and she turned to look to the door, her son was standing there waiting for her, unsure of what to do._

_He was two by now, he had his father's eyes and curls, but his mother's color of hair and size._

_He was beautiful and clever and chatty._

_A chatty little Sheperd._

_His eyes were fixed on his father, filling with tears._

_"Daddy's gone, Mommy"_

_A bright light entered the room and she screamed again._

_"_Derek! No!"

Meredith's voice filled the room and Cristina was startled by her slumber. She took a look around but anybody was there but her and Meredith. She got closer and realized her friend was sleeping... Probably having a nightmare from what she heard. She was crying but her eyes were closed.

"Derek... Derek..."

Cristina took her arm and shook it forcefully.

"Mer... Mer... Wake up"

She opened her eyes, fear evident in her stare, more tears coming out. Cristina took her cheeks in her hands, trying to calm her. But sobs were still shaking her petite form.

"He... He... He's dead, Cristina... Derek..."

"It was a nightmare, Meredith. Derek is fine, he's fine. It was a bad dream... Just a bad dream". She hugged her rubbing her back, trying to soothe her. "Derek is fine"

"He was dead... He really looked..."

"I know... You were sleeping and your fears took control. He's fine, Meredith"

The door opened and Owen appeared on the doorframe. His expression changed as he saw Meredith's tear streaked face.

"Hey... What's wrong?"

"Nothing... She had a bad dream... Only a bad dream..."

She hugged Meredith tighter and tried to comfort her. Just some minute later she realized Owen was still there, probably waiting for them.

"Any news?"

Even Meredith raised her head and Hunt was happy to have good news to deliver.

"Fever lowered considerably... He's lucid and... He asked for you"

Meredith sighed again, tears flowing down her cheeks.

A part of her was still afraid this was not real, the images of Derek's dead body still too clear in her eyes, Cristina was still stroking her face and gave her a wide smile.

"He's fine, Mer. Derek is fine. Let's go"

She helped her up and this help was never so appreciated. Her whole body ached despite the nap she had taken, she felt drained. Cristina took her arm under the elbow and led her to Derek's room.

* * *

Derek couldn't keep his eyes open, it was too tiring. They drooped closed despite his efforts and it was frustrating. Everything ached, his legs, his arms, his shoulders, his groin, his chest, his ribs…

It was like he had played a tough match of Basketball with Mark and Ben against the radiology guys, but he hadn't. And his back... his neck were killing him. They were like stone, impossible to move.

This physical misery was amplified by the results of this night.

Nurses had come in and changed the bed and he had blushed. When they had taken the sheets to change them with new ones, he had spotted a dark spot and he had been ashamed of himself,

He was an attending, he was a Neuro God and he had been so senseless to be hospitalized in his own work place. Where everyone knew him and respected him. Now on... It would be different.

This illness had made him human in a bad way.

It had opened a door to his weaknesses and fears and it was something he didn't have to allow, he had to avoid. But he hadn't.

Richard had sworn they were alone in there and he trusted him.

But some part of him also thought Webber wouldn't tell him anything different.

He sighed and felt stupid.

He knew he was thinking stupid.

He had risked his life tonight, he had frightened Meredith to death, caused her stress she didn't need, not for herself and not for the baby. The last thing he should worry about was his pride and reputation. He was a man after all, and men whose brain gets that kind of temperature are supposed to screw up. He had like he was supposed to do.

This didn't make him less respectable or more vulnerable.

His indecisions were inside of him, he didn't have to surrender to them but to fight, to react.

They wouldn't die, he knew it.

Every time he lowered his guards level they would show up.

Every time his brain would give out, they would come out.

He was the specialist, he knew this crap by heart.

It was a text book case of "sleep of reason".

He needed to calm down and take control of his nerves, he couldn't ease the physical pain by now, but he could win his fears.

He forced his eyes opened and Richard was still there, looking down at him smiling.

This time he smiled back, he was McDreamy after all, he could be nice, try to, to a man who had supported his crap all night long.

Richard was reading through his eyes his inner fight, he knew that. And he wouldn't stop hovering till he was sure he was raising his head.

Maybe it was time to give him a sign.

"Do you think I could change this shirt? It's..." he snorted taking the hem of the shirt. He couldn't find the right word to describe it. Awful, smelly, sweaty... "I feel like a piece of trash"

Richard fished something from behind his back, Derek recognized a shirt.

"I knew you would like to get elegant for Meredith. Can you straighten up?"

Richard regretted his question immediately.

Derek shook his head in defeat.

"I'll call a nurse then"

"No... I... I can take it off anyway. No nurse please"

He started to move awkwardly, taking off the shirt lying down. First one hand, then the other. He stopped panting, his breath quickened. With a last effort he took the shirt off his head and hold it on his chest, closing his eyes to regain strength.

He heard the door opening and he was rewarded by the most beautiful image ever: his gorgeous pregnant wife. She had cried, he could say it. She hadn't slept and her make up. Was everywhere but where it was supposed to be. Still she was beautiful and he smiled to her.

"Hey..."

"Hey... How are you?"

"Fine... Now I'm fine... Really"

Meredith sent a quick look to the Chief for confirm and he nodded, he stood up sensing his presence wasn't needed anymore.

"He'll need to take antibiotics for a while, but the worst phase is over now. I leave the two of you alone... See you later"

Richard walked out but nobody cared, Meredith's and Derek's eyes had locked, she had sat on his bed. They both could read tiredness and exhaustion in the other's features. Derek shivered, he was still half naked and the sweat dried on his skin didn't help to feel comfortable. With the dirt shirt he had taken off, he started to dry his skin.

"Let me help you"

"No... It's fine"

He continued his work and Meredith stood up, she disappeared into the bathroom and came back seconds later with a sponge and a bottle of liquid soap.

"I think it's easier with these..."

She sat back on the bed and Derek stilled, he saw what she was holding and smiled.

"You're right"

"I am... So now... Throw this away" she took the shirt from his hand and let it fall on the ground near the bed "and relax. I'll do the washing"

Derek closed his eyes, relaxing in Meredith's touch. The sponge touched his skin, soft and perfumed. Every stroke it made, he felt cleaner. It was like Meredith was peeling dead skin away, layer of sweat after the other. It felt awesome. It was like being born again.

"Can you roll on one side?"

"I'll try"

He rolled pushing with his elbows and Meredith turned around the bed.

She sighed seeing the marks on Derek's skin.

She had seen he was in pain and now she got why. When the fever didn't want to go down, Webber and Hunt had lodged ice under his back, under his armpits and loins. Even if the packs were supposed to be harmless to the skin, with the pressure they had left bad signs, similar to cold burns. She passed the sponge on one of them and Derek moaned.

"Ice packs has burn your skin..."

"I kind of suspected it... The kidneys are killing me"

"Hold on one minute... I'm almost done"

She cleaned his back like she had done with his chest, warming his skin up, trying to ease the circulation that the low temperature had slowed down.

"I'm done"

Derek rolled on his back and Meredith adjusted soap and sponge on the nightstand. She stroked her hands to dry them and looked down to Derek. He seemed thinner and he was clearly in pain.

"I'll go and take a cream for your back, I'll be right back"

"No... Just stay here"

"Ok"

She sat on the bed and hold Derek's offered hand.

"I'm sorry"

"You don't get to apologize for this"

"I'm sorry..."

"Derek Sheperd... You don't get to apologize for this..."

The sentence was meant to be authoritative but her voice shook and she started to cry. She tried to wipe these tears away but new ones arrived. She rolled her eyes, trying to hide this outburst.

"Hey... Mer"

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to cry on you. But I was so scared...and now you're fine... But the dream was so true and our son was..."

She snorted, she had started to ramble again.

Derek found it funny, she hated it. It made her feel like a student on her first day at college.

"You dreamt of our baby?"

Yes, plus the fact that you were dead. Really dead. But this wasn't something to tell someone who had just overcome an acute pneumonia, it didn't sound like an encouragement. She decided to skip that part and focus on their baby. She nodded but it wasn't enough. Derek was waiting for something else, like the image she had seen was the foresight of how McPeanut would actually be.

"He was two... And beautiful... And a lot like you. And a little bit like me. I think we're having a boy, Derek"

"How do you know?"

"I don't... know. But dr. Zeiss told me mothers have a feeling about this stuff. I didn't believe it but now I have a feeling it could be true... It could be a boy"

"It would be your pick"

Meredith was speechless. She had never voiced this preference loud. She had been careful not to.

Neither with Cristina, nor with Derek.

Since the moment the stick turned blue, her heart had wished and hoped for a little Derek. But Derek wished and hoped for a little girl and she had been careful not to unbalance. Apparently she had. But Derek's sentence didn't sound like a reproach or a bitter realization. He had read through her emotions, this made her happy and afraid at the same time.

"I've never said this"

"But I got it... It's normal to have a preference. I have too, Mer. This doesn't mean I'll love less my son if you're right or you would love her less if she was a girl"

"Ok..."

She felt relieved. She had been feeling a monster for this secret. She had been feeling a bad mother, already. Now Derek told her it was the same for him and a stone had fell from her heart.

"I'm sorry"

"Again?"

"I had imagined... even dreamt of our first day of marriage so many times. I wanted it special... I wanted it perfect for you... And I wasted it"

"Don't say it"

Meredith was touched. She had felt all his pain in these words. Derek was cheesy and romantic, he would give her the sky and the moon if she asked for them. He had meant that. He would organize a crazy, fancy ceremony, she knew that. He hadn't as she was not the type. But, even accepting this sobriety and easiness, what happened was beyond his limit of acceptance and she knew he would beat himself on it, he would feel more disappointed for the screwing marriage thing than for the almost dying part.

"Derek... You didn't..."

"Oh come on... I had surgery and almost died for a post op complication. We were supposed to drink our asses off, celebrate and have crazy sex all around. Cleaning me up like I was a kid is a slight different change in plans I guess"

"It is. But I wouldn't change anything in my life... But the you almost dying part. We have plenty of time for everything. And we couldn't drink our asses off anyway. Pregnant, remember?"

Derek chuckled and Meredith pouted.

"You can't get drunk in front of me as I can't because you empregnated me. And too much sex could induce a premature delivery so I think we'll slow down a bit from now on"

"What?"

"We decided. It's a deal"

"You decided"

"Yeah... And it's set. Don't whine on it anymore"

"I love you"

It was so natural... And special. Derek used to tell her the magic sentence a lot. Every day. And despite it, it felt new and true every time. She couldn't help to blush and feel a warmth radiating from her heart up. She smiled and thought of saying it back. An ancient fear and shame strangled the words in her throat. She swallowed several times like she couldn't force the words out of her mouth. But that Meredith was dead. This was a new person, she felt new. The baby she was carrying filled her with love from inside out, it made her stronger, it made her bolder.

"Me too"

Maybe it wasn't the same thing that saying it out of nowhere. But it was a great step, for her, it was. And Derek, the maker of this change, knew and appreciated it. His face lit up in a smile and she bent forward to kiss him.

When they parted she was still smiling... grinning like something had entered her mind. She straightened up.

"So you dreamt of our marriage, uhm?"

"Sometimes..."

"I guess they were the nights you woke up screaming..."

She giggled and Derek rolled his eyes.

"No, it was one of my favorite dreams actually"

"Was?"

"It came true now"

"But you've just said you screwed it up!"

"I screwed up yours, not mine. I married you, my dream came true, the surround was just a detail"

"Oh ok... So I can use it against you whenever I want..."

"You won't be that cruel"

"You think so? Princess can turn out to be a witch sometimes"

"Your nose is too pretty for you to be a witch"

He pulled her arm and their lips met again.

_The sleep of reason causes disasters, it raises fears and nightmares, it causes monsters and skeletons. They take control of people and bring them to self destruction._

_But then the light comes again._

_It puts things in order, it brings great ideas and the conviction that reason can master the universe, lead it, make it better. Science is its main expression and we are its slaves._

_It's a comfort... knowing that one and one is two, that surgery can heal people, that the human mind is able to build marvels and go deeper in the problem._

_And when we feel good in it, when we feel safe, the Gooseberry comes in the field._

_Love screws up our self made rules, the rigidity of rationality._

_And it comes a moment that one and one is not two anymore._

_(Meredith and Derek are stroking her belly)_

_And you wonder how you could live without it before._

* * *

I really love the considerations which start and end the chapter, the final part in special.

I truely believe in it.

Reasons helps us to win our superstitions and fears, love messes up with our life.

In a great way.

I hope you'll like my flashback and I want to tell you something about Owen's storyline in this chapter.

I'm not from USA, I'm not pro war or against it.

I think reasons are many and none at the same time, they overcome my rationality.

I didn't mean to offense anyone, for me it was storyline to fill the chapter.

For "It's a beautiful day to save lives"... I really like my explanation! I hope Shonda will give us the original sooner or later.

Wait for comments


	40. GLORY DAYS

Hey! My PC decided to faint two days ago and it left me right there... with a ready chapter to post and not being able to do it... Luckily I recovered all data and I'm back.

We're entering the last part of my fic here, I'm sure you'll get what I'm talking about. I had a very clear opinion on the trial's affaire but I'll try to be above parts and rational (even if I think I won't succeed...). Hope you enjoy this chapter and I wait for many and many reviews.

I'll start a new chapter in a few days. For the ones who follow also my other fic, I'll update it within Sunday top.

Your comments keep me going, don't spare them

* * *

_Pride is one of the seven deadly sins._

_The best known in medicine. _

_As every surgeon has a reputation in arrogance._

_More or less, you can hide it good or not…_

_You just feel like you can keep the world in your hands._

_It's the knowledge you can save lives, you can build organs and bones out of nothing. _

_You can grow skin, you can fix nerves._

_You can do everything… and the world crawl at your feet when you're the king of the OR holding a scalpel as scepter._

* * *

It had been three weeks after Derek's night of terror, twenty one days and it looked like nothing had ever happened. He had healed good and completely, his lungs were perfectly functioning again. He had spent a week home, cuddled and in bed, to recover from this new bad adventure. And now he was fine.

Not Derek fine but… fine.

He couldn't make efforts, he couldn't play sport, he had given up his weekly basketball games, no more swimming, no more baths in his lake. A limited life still for some week, then everything would go back to normalcy.

He had purged his nightmare first day of marriage giving Meredith and the baby a lot of attentions. More to his horny wife to tell the truth. They had made up the lost time and chances and were enjoying their honey moon every day, rising complains from Lexie and Alex and everyone who attended the house.

But they really didn't give a crap of their opinion. They lived in a bubble of oblivion.

The previous Friday Derek had received Harper Avery in a hall full of ecstatic audience, doctors and surgeons arrived from every part of the United States to shake his hand and congratulate him. Even Peter Fletcher and his wife had made it to Seattle. Derek had accepted every interview, every request of meeting and Richard had been gloating for it. To Meredith's surprise, he hadn't enjoyed it that much though. He was happy of course but it was like his brain was already somewhere else. And she was sure she knew where: Alzheimer's trial was about to start. It was his baby, his favorite one. And he hadn't lost a chance to talk about it and divert conversations on that. From her side Meredith had played the good wife role, standing at his side, smiling, avoiding and letting the hard and inappropriate questions fall. It was unbelievable how people thought they could ask him and her everything just as he was at the center of the stage. Some stupid slut had asked her how they met and her bad girl side would be really ready to shove on their faces the wild sex encounter at Joe's. Still she had smiled and let it go, this along with the comments about Gary Clark and how Derek looked good now. But the truth was that he did… really did look good. His tuxedo drew his chest and shoulders like a second skin and his ass was… perfect. She had bitten her lower lip all evening long gaining wicked grins from Derek. He knew what she was thinking of the whole time and he had made sure she got satisfied once home.

Apart from that… which was really already a lot, also all other things were really going great: the house was almost finished and Meredith was impatient to see it done, despite Derek's pressure she didn't want to go first, she wanted to wait for it to be finished. And all his attempts had proved to be useless.

They were in the kitchen making breakfast, Meredith was sitting at the counter while Derek was making her pancakes.

"Meredith…"

"I told no, no and no. I don't want to drive out there till everything is ready"

He snorted and turned around to take cheese and eggs out of the fridge. He couldn't help but snapping the door closed and Meredith got his disappointment.

"Derek… I really want the surprise… we want the surprise…"

He was frying butter and once it had browned, he set bread in the pot, stabbed it with a fork to turn it around. He sighed.

"Ok… Are you going to play the mad card at me?"

"That would be good… You could stop the night screaming for a while…"

Meredith turned and spotted her sister entering the kitchen, sitting on the stool near her.

"Go on, Derek. Be mad at her"

"Very nice, Lexie. I don't remember I asked your opinion on this. And, for your information, it's important stuff. I won't trade sex with it… anyway".

Lexie rolled her eyes and picked up the cup of coffee Derek had poured for her. When Meredith looked at him, he was deeply concerned in cooking, rolling her pancakes and making them perfect for her.

"Can you just talk to me, please?"

Derek raised his eyes and met hers, he was making puppy eyes and she quirked an eyebrow in question.

"I am not going to argue with you for this, Meredith"

"Sex is safe then… What a shame…"

Lexie mumbled and Meredith gave her a deathly glare.

"I'd like you to come to the land and see the house, that's all"

"And I told you I will but when it's done. What is wrong with this?"

"It's wrong that you haven't seen the blueprints, you haven't made any improvement to the original plans, you have given no suggestion. What if you don't like it?"

"I will"

"You can't tell that… The house is not a pair of shoes you can throw away if you realize you chose wrong. I've invested a lot of money and effort in it. I want it to be perfect for us and the baby. We could still change things now…"

"There's nothing I want to change. You put all yourself in it and I'm sure you worked wonderfully. I don't understand anything in this… I'm not a constructor or an expert"

"But you're a woman and women see stuff… I could have missed something you need, built your walk-in closet in the wrong way… What's your deal with it?"

"I have no deal. But I have a picture of this house in my mind and I don't want to waste it with wood and bricks camped in our porch or whatever. I want to see it when it's finished… I trust you Derek and it's not I don't give a crap in it… I care, really much"

"But you want the magic…"

"Yeah"

He fished the pancakes out of the pot and set them on a plate, he took a bottle of syrup, Meredith's favorite one, and reversed a huge quantity on her breakfast. He handled her everything and excused himself.

"I go upstairs to take a shower while you eat that"

He left the room and Meredith attacked her pancakes, getting a stunned look from Lexie.

"Do you really let him leave like that?"

Meredith shrugged, placing a bite in her mouth. Syrup spread on her lips and she cleaned it, leaking her finger.

"We're fine, Lexie. Thank you for your concern"

"He looked hollow to me…"

"He's just trying to make me feel guilty"

She kept eating, savouring the dish Derek had prepared her.

"And you don't?"

"No way"

"Mark told me he's very nervous about the house, Meredith. He keeps complaining about the contractor… he says he is not working like he would. Do you know where he was last night?"

"In the hospital… discussing the trial with the Board"

"No, he told you that. He was in the land to build the porch on his own… hitting nails or whatever"

Meredith looks at her, starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

"And Mark was with him… to take a look. He shouldn't do those efforts, it's just been three weeks. He is putting all himself in that house, not just his brain but hands, lungs…. Everything"

"So what would this mean?"

"Nothing, Meredith. If you agreed to go to the land at the end of the works, it's fine. But it doesn't mean you have to turn down every conversation about it, Derek is frustrated and anguished. He thinks you're going to hate it all"

Meredith set the fork down, the plate was empty, she had really enjoyed Derek's cooking. And guilt was raising in her gut. Maybe she had been too harsh on him.

"I'm going to be late for work"

She stood up and left the room, getting upstairs holding her belly. Day by day movements got more and more difficult. She didn't feel it at work, but at home it was another story. She had to walk, bend, lean her knees, stretch… and her body was showing limits she had never known. Her back ached every evening. Today she had to discuss with her gynecologist about the maternity leave and she wanted to hold on, one month at least. Derek's trial was beginning, they had a meeting today and she wanted to help. To throw in the towel was out of the picture now. She opened the door and Derek was sitting on the bed, he had already worn his jeans and was now putting socks on.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She stood in front of him, taking at the breathtaking image of his abs and chest. She loved everything of him. He was muscular but not too much, his chest was peppered with dark hairs and she could feel them under her fingers even now. They became thicker near his belly button and disappeared under his waist line. She bit her lower lip but she would bite him right now. He looked up and noticed her eyes fixed on him, he couldn't help but smiling seeing traces of syrup close to her mouth. He stood up and took her chin in his hand, kissing her. His tongue cleaned away the remains of her breakfast and she moaned under his touch.

"You taste good"

"Your pancakes are the best…"

"Happy to serve you"

He gave his back to her, picking up the shirt resting on the bed. Meredith could see his muscles twitch and flex under his soft and smell clean skin. She closed the distance between the two of them and closed her hands around his waist. She couldn't tight the hold very much as her belly acted as an insurmountable obstacle by now. He looked at her over his shoulder.

"I can't hold you better than this right now. Mc Peanut wants to stand between the two of us"

"I feel flattered… I can have a double embrace this way"

"Yeah… I'm so nervous about today…"

Derek turned around stroking her belly, frowning at her.

"Everything is fine, Mer"

"I know but… I have so much to think of in these days… I need to decide about my leave, there's your trial coming … and I'm scared at the perspective of the labor… I'm excited about our baby coming but… I'm scared"

"It's normal to be… I will be there with you, Meredith. The whole time"

"I know… I'm sorry for the house thing, Derek"

"It's nothing"

"No, it's not nothing. It's important. To you and even to me. I know you can think I don't give a crap and just want to leave all the dirty job to you but… it's not like this. I really want it to be ready for us but…"

"But what?"

Derek stroke her cheek with his thumb.

"I have already built our dream house, with the candles, do you remember?"

"How could I not?"

"I just want to remember your land like that… Wild and amazing and ours… And when I'll see our house on it it will only grow better. I just can't stand to see foreign people around, excavators and all that crap. It sounds like a violation to me and… I just want it to be just ours… yours and mine"

"Ok…"

"Really?"

"Really… You'll take your time and decide when you're ready"

She smiled to him and a little tear rolled down her cheek. Damn it, hormones were really taking the control on her.

"Let's go to meet Mc Peanut"

* * *

Richard is in a conference room, staring at the desk in front of him.

There are several folders, all equal, one in front of every chair.

Derek's trial protocol. Approved by the FDA and the Board after a close and tiring negotiation.

All the project is ready to start now, two days and the first patients will be admitted.

10 people for the first wave, then… many others.

It's a good sensation, SGMWH is at the centre of the stage once again, leading an innovative and potentially world changing medical trial. And if everything goes as expected, there will be soon another, his own trial for diabetes. The heritage of Ellis Grey.

Richard had found her idea in the diaries Meredith had given him. Just two lines, a probability, a thought of a brilliant and genial medical mind. Ellis had never pursued this road by herself, she hadn't got the potential of this intuition and it had stayed buried in old paper till Meredith had decided to clear the closet. Apparently she hadn't found the reading so appealing and it hadn't taken much time to Webber to get why: Ellis had never mentioned her daughter in those diaries, never. That was her kingdom, her soul. And there was no space for her own child. Richard wondered how the woman he had loved could turn so detached and cold. And he feared the answer, it was his fault too. He had taken away the last pieces of joy and happiness from her life and Meredith had been left to pick up the pieces, to take all consequences. And this is was why he wanted her badly in the trial. He wanted her to bring on this study, to take advantage from Ellis Grey being her mother. It would be the first time and it would be great.

But he also knew that, once asked, Meredith wouldn't look so enthusiastic about that and it was not only about Derek's upcoming trial. She would refuse to take part into anything which could relegate her to the role of golden daughter, she wanted to shine by her own light, she had the chance and the talent to do it. Sheperd's first trial had been her idea, she hadn't the maturity yet as a surgeon to develop it by herself, to give a further contribution apart from the psychological and material help. But it had been her idea and she had given all herself for it to be successful. Now there was the Alzheimer's trial and Richard felt a little bit worried.

He had witnessed Derek's intentions, he knew he meant it to be for Meredith, and this could be a boomerang, for the both of them.

_I'm gonna find a cure for Alzheimer's._

_The cure for Alzheimer's... With $1 million?_

_With $1 million. It's a start._

_You're talking about a clinical trial… A clinical-surgical trial?_

_Yes._

_Start-up costs alone, never mind the FDA., Derek, it's…_

_Today I watched Meredith perform an emergency craniotomy by herself. She was perfect. She's got her mother's talent. She's got her mother's looks, Richard. What if she has her mother's disease? Ellis was young when it started. Every time Meredith forgets her keys or asks what day of the week it is, I... When that $1 million runs out, investors are gonna throw money my way for the same reason I am gonna throw everything I got at this trial, because their dad has it, or their wife. Breakthroughs don't happen because of the medicine. Real breakthroughs happen because someone is scared to death to stop trying._

And Derek hadn't stop. Richard had denied him 1 million dollar grant and Derek had knocked to other doors and found sponsors, big sponsors. He had studied around his impulsive idea and made it a real, beilievable, medical project. Which was now ready to push off. He had a strong feeling Derek didn't want Meredith in his trial, she would be distracting and too personally involved. But he knew for sure he hadn't told her yet. Today he was going to present to protocol to all residents, start a contest and then decide which one to take on board. Despite Meredith was the neuro resident, she hadn't her hands on it yet.

This wasn't just about medicine, it was treating hard cases, young people destroyed by a black hole devouring their brains and life, it could be tiring and heartbreaking. Something the elected had to want by all his or her will. Richard didn't know who could be that guy.

Cristina Yang was a big number, she was talented and extremely brilliant. Unfortunately anything outside cardio earned her interest and effort. She was a top notch, but monotone. Avery was a good doctor, not an extraordinary one. And this weighted a lot on the young Avery's shoulders. He had noticed the look on his face three evenings ago when they had all took part in the delivery of his grandfather's award to Derek. He looked like a kid in the candy store. He could want this trial to impress his relative, to show him he could be considered and chosen by a world renown surgeon. It could be two edged weapon. Karev was a pain in the ass to everyone. He was offish and egoistic. He lived everything like an opportunity to learn and stand up. And he didn't bail in front of everyone. Was it Meredith or any other friend. It was cruel, but it was work. And Meredith… she was Meredith. Extremely good with patients, great skills in the OR, and she felt this trial in her soul. It would be difficult to Derek to let her out. If only Richard could convince her in his plans, it could be easier to anyone.

He took a look at his clock and he noticed it was early. The meeting was supposed to begin at 09.30 and he had half an hour to fill . He picked up his phone and decided to call his contact at FDA, he wanted to have his approval as soon as possible.

* * *

Mark entered the elevator on the ground floor. Some doctors were in and, among them, Hunt, leaning on the back wall. Sloan approached him and mirrored his position.

"Good morning"

"Hey"

The doors closed and the elevator moved up, stopping at the next floor. Two nurses entered and Mark gave them a wide smile, the two female employees didn't answer though. T hey just nodded their head and gave their back to him. They left on the following floor and another came in, a young brunette Mark remembered working in OR2. He smiled to her and she raised a hand to greet them just to go lost in her charts and papers. She left on the following floor and Mark couldn't hide his disappointment. Owen looked at him and chuckled shaking his head.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"Nothing… it's just they know you're taken. You shouldn't feel so beaten about that"

"I'm not beaten and I'm the first to know I'm taken, really taken. It just hurts"

"What? They respect your relationship?"

"No, they changed flag, dude"

"What?"

"I spotted them looking at the Harper Avery ceremony yesterday online. And they were even flipping pages of a magazine. And Derek was on it. They are all at his feet now"

Owen stroked his eyes laughing, Mark Sloan could be more childish than a three years old.

"It was the same thing last time with the tumor trial. His baby face was posted on every medical reviews and nurses were all over him. He was an alive advertising to human perfection… even if they made image manipulation on his ugly nose and skin… Not something those dud could realize though"

"You give too much credit to that stuff… It's an important medical award but nurses don't care about that crap. It's out of their league"

"So why do you think they didn't… care about me?"

The elevator opens and they get out, Mark heading to the attending lounge and Hunt to the surgical wing.

"I told you before… You are taken… by a doctor actually. And I guess you made your time in here. No nurse could spend any more time imagining to hook you so… They are just being professional"

"So you don't think he is more good looking than me?"

"I don't think I'm the one to judge that…"

"But you just said…"

"I've only said I think they don't flirt with you anymore as you have a girlfriend they all know. I'm not a beauty judge"

"Hmmm"

Mark looks at his feet and looks thoughtful, Owen rolls his eyes, usually women are cocky and touchy to this stuff. Men… they shouldn't worry about that. But Sloan was the father of Beauty, he helped people to correct their defects and improve their aspect. Maybe it was normal he was so worried someone could threaten McSteamy's score and power. Sloan snorted.

"I know who to ask…"

He disappeared in the restricted area and Hunt chuckled. Today was going to be a funny day. He raised his eyes and met Cristina's. His pace slowed when he realized she was giving him a longing look. He got closer and she went back reading the monitor in front of her.

"Good morning"

"Morning"

"Can I bring you some coffee?"

"No, I had breakfast already" she wasn't looking at him anymore and he thought he had misread her feelings "at home". She stretched the word and finally met his eyes. Here it was. She was accusing him as he had avoided her in the past days, almost weeks. He had spent a lot of his free time with Derek, at Meredith's house. He wanted to take time to reflect, to think of what Meredith told him, to understand if he had it in him, the strength and patience to wait for her. He had come to an answer and he had showed up the previous night, only she didn't know. She was already asleep when he got home.

"I left before you woke up"

Cristina's eyes narrowed in surprise.

"You came home?"

"Yeah… it was very late though and I didn't want to wake you up. So I slept on the couch and left early"

"You came home…"

"We need to talk Cristina"

Her pager went off and she jumped on her feet like a spring.

"Sheperd's crappy meeting… I'll see you later"

She walked away and Owen followed her retreating back sighing.

* * *

Meredith enters the conference room, all the other residents are already in.

She smiles to anyone and seats near Cristina.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She flips the pages of the folder in front of her, taking a first glance at the presentation. Alex's sneaky voice captures her attention.

"Are you really going to pretend you haven't read any of this?"

She looks at his smirking face and closes the folder.

"I haven't actually"

"Don't give him credit, Mer. He is just pissed he will be out of any fancy trial being displayed here"

"You'll too"

"But I don't care. So I don't mope. Smile, Karev. Life is too short to cry on your ass"

Richard and Derek enter the room and they all stand up.

"Morning, people"

"Morning"

Meredith smiles seeing Derek's face, he looks happy and relaxed. He sits and invites them to do the same. Richard takes word.

"As you all know by now, dr. Sheperd has found grants and gained FDA approval to start an Alzheimer's trial. The protocol has been set, all papers have been done, we're ready to go. The reason you are all here this morning is that dr. Sheperd needs help in this. And we don't want to close this trial to a neuro thing. Everyone will be given the chance to put in for, you'll be called to take part in some cases. Then dr. Sheperd will decide who can be suitable and cares enough to work in this. Now he's going to explain you profusely some aspect of the trial. Questions in the end please… Derek"

"Good morning. I'll try to make this quick not to steal you more time than necessary. This trial is based on a research I started in New York six years ago. I kept working on it during my first year here and now I decided to go further. I'm going to inject proteins in the patients' brains. These proteins are expected to compensate the effects of the disease, to slow it down, to help the neurological tissue to recreate again"

"A sort of glue stick" Cristina couldn't help to express her comment loud.

"Yes, exactly. FDA gave me the approval to inject proteins on the 25% of the patients"

Meredith looks up at him, surprised.

"Before you ask, you need to know this is a blind trial. Every patient will be brought to the OR, we will prep him, make a drill in the skull, then we'll open an envelope and see if he or she is supposed to get the drug or the placebo, a mix of mineral salts which will give strength to the cells but are not supposed to cure or fight the disease. No patient will be allowed to know if he gets the drug of the placebo and we won't know either till we are in the OR. A computer will match patients and envelops using a binary code; envelops, drugs and placebos will be stored in an interdicted area. This is very important stuff… in a blind trial the regularity of the procedure keeps everything standing. Patients will stay here for three days and then leave, then come back after a month to appreciate eventual improvements or worsening. We'll admit ten patients in two weeks, suspend the trial for five days and then start new. A have a list of ten people I have already called. I'll explain you details case by case but I want to point out this: we cure early Alzheimer here, but we could have old as well as young people. It's going to be tough and I want to have residents who believe in this, who believe we are doing medicine and not just wasting our time. I'll give every of you a chance to take part in it, you'll work with me in rotation starting from tomorrow. If someone is not interested, this is the time to say it"

Residents look up, searching each other eyes. Cristina cleares her throat.

"With all due respect for your work and ambitions, I'd step down, sir"

Derek meets Yang's eyes for a second, Meredith tries to search into his reaction, but for the first time, she can't.

"I kind of expected that…"

His words sound… deceived and she feels disoriented. Derek was used to Cristina's aversion to his specialty, he knew she didn't feel excitement for neuro, she didn't feel anything actually. During her rotations, she used to comment days spent with him like a deathly boredom, just a little bit more than doing rectal inspections. In her mind he would be happy she bailed. But he wasn't.

"Anyone else?" Nobody talk "I'll give dr. Yang the chance to think of it over the night, I'll write the name of the first resident in force on your board tomorrow morning. Thanks to anyone"

He stands up and Richard does too.

"It's all people"

Residents stand up and leave, Meredith does too after smiling to Derek. Cristina is outside waiting for her.

"It's all yours, Mer"

"What?"

"The trial… what else?"

"I don't think so"

"Who would Derek pick? Avery?"

"I don't know. It looked like he wanted you"

Cristina stops in the hallway, looking at her like she had grown crazy.

"Excuse me?"

"He looked pissed when you stepped down…"

"Of course he was… I'm the best, remember? Everyone would kill to have me…"

"Yeah… just keep saying yourself that"

* * *

Teddy is at the nurses station in her street clothes.

She is reading a chart, signing the last page.

She slaps herself mentally: she always cares to tell her residents and interns the importance to fill the documents correctly and completely, today she missed this.

The night shift tired her to death, but it was not about surgeries and cases she got. On the contrary… she spent the whole night in the On Call Room ready for anyone who would call. But nobody did, she had the whole time to think and reflect on her following day. And the stupid thing she had done accepting dr. Keller's invitation to go out for lunch together. She didn't know what got through her mind in that moment. She didn't like the man. He was charming, for sure, but he had never raised a spark of interest in her, he had never fascinated or intrigued her. Still she had decided to go out with him and it felt pathetic. She was thinking of Henry, of how her date would be with him. And this was twice stupid as they weren't going to meet anytime soon. He had been discharged in the early morning and she was sure he wouldn't come back to say goodbye or anything. Their marriage was just out of interest and she felt stupid as her intentions were somehow different than that. She wasn't in love of course, but she cared about him, she'd really want to hug him and tell him bye. She sighed and raised her eyes, a tall man standing in front of her smiling, dr. Keller.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She smiled to him the best way she could manage and adjusted her bag on the shoulder.

"Going home?"

"Yeah…"

"You didn't forget about our date, did you?"

He flashed her a wide smile and she felt bad. She really didn't like him. She could even play the numb card but… hell… she couldn't be that impolite.

"I didn't, really. I just want to go and take a shower and a nap. I'll be ready"

"Good…"

Teddy's eyes narrowed in surprise when she noticed Henry standing behind Keller. He look thoughtful… crossed… she couldn't tell. His eyes were focused on the man in front of her. Even Keller realized Teddy's attention was caught somewhere else. He turned around and saw the young man staring at them, he didn't miss the way he was looking at Teddy.

"Who's that? One of your patients?"

Good, the right question. She gasped when she saw Henry coming closer. He stop in front of her.

"I'm sorry if I bother you… I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye"

"Don't worry, you were…. nice"

She smiled widely but turned serious again. She couldn't act like a cheerleader to him.

"And I wanted to leave you my address… for sending me back the documents. I'll take care of everything…"

Teddy's eyes grew concerned and she frowned.

"Which documents?"

"You know… to solve our situation. You won't need to look after me from now on"

He set and envelope in her hand and gave her a peck on the cheek. He turned on his heels and left, smiling to Keller too. The doctor looked confused and curious at the same time.

"You behave friendly to your patients…"

"He wasn't a patient…"

She could read curiosity in his stare. He was waiting for more as she had implied more. She bit her tongue, this wasn't a news to drop before the first date. Her husband. It would be difficult to accept it was just an agreement. She rolled the envelope in her fingers and felt odd. It was painful holding divorce papers in her hands. But why so? The marriage had been a farse from the very beginning, she had never kissed Henry, made love to Henry. Even dated Henry. But she felt sad. She heard someone calling her name and turned around. A nurse. Why was the world looking for her right now?

"Yeah?"

"Mr. Burton left these papers on the nightstand. I thought you could give him"

Teddy looked blankly at her, not taking the offered papers. Why was she supposed to give anything to Henry? Didn't she know the truth?

"He is your husband, right?"

Apparently the nurse was stubborn or stupid and Teddy felt a wave of rage bubbling in her chest. Keller had squirmed hearing the word husband and Teddy perceived a hint of amusement in the woman's face. She wasn't going to give her any more satisfaction.

"Mr. Burton is not my husband. I'm sure he left his contact address. If you can read his chart, I'm sure you can find it. Don't bother me again with this. It's your job, not mine"

She turned around and gave her back to the nurse, breathing out seeing Keller's stunned face.

"You didn't tell me you were married…"

"As I'm not… Look, it's a long and difficult story and I have no heart to tell it. Maybe accepting your invitation wasn't a good idea after all"

"I guess not"

They both sighed, for different reasons. Keller had really hoped he could take her out. Finally. But apparently it wasn't the right timing. Not again this time. First he had heard rumors about Teddy's past with Hunt, then the flirt she had with Sloan and dr. Andrew Perkins, now this. But he felt disoriented as a husband had never been in the picture. The woman was a full truck of surprises.

"I'm sorry you lost your time and… hope you won't hold this against me on work"

"I'm a little grown up for moping on a woman… even if she's beautiful and special like you. Good luck, dr. Altman"

He smiles to her and leaves. Teddy didn't know why, but a weight fell off her shoulders. She wasn't cheating anymore. She had never cheated actually but… she had a husband and she felt attracted by him. She turned around and spotted the so called husband staring at her from a corner of the waiting room. She walked towards him.

"Why are you still here?"

"A nurse came to look for me in the parking lot, I forgot some paper…"

"I'll go and take it"

"Don't bother… I don't want to waste your date"

"I have no more date to waste. And you're my patient… so… just wait here"

* * *

Meredith is laying on the stretcher in the visit room. Derek is sitting near her holding her hand, his nose tickling her earlobe, the contact causing her goose bumps. She giggles and Derek smiles, kissing her.

"Derek…"

"What?"

He smiles again, she is using her scolding tone and this is turning him on.

"We're not home"

"I got that"

He kisses her check again and she shivers, she tries to avoid the contact.

"Stop doing that then!"

"Why? I'm just trying to relax you"

"But you're not. You're sexing me up and it's not good. Behave"

She has no time to scold him for the grin stretching his lips that the door opens and her gynecologist walks in. Derek stands up greeting him.

"Good morning mrs. and mr. Sheperd"

"Morning"

"Sorry I'm a little bit late"

He sits behind his desk and Derek sits back too. Doctor starts to rummage in his files to find Meredith's one.

"So… how is it going?"

"Good…. I'm pretty good"

She smiles and strokes her belly, Derek joins her hand with his.

"Here is your file…. So… you're entering the seventh month… Do you feel it coming?"

"W… What?"

"The moment" he bursts out laughing and Meredith bites her lip "it's getting closer. Two more months and you'll meet your baby… I know nine months to a pregnant woman look and feel long but… it's close"

"We know"

Derek's soothing voice relaxes Meredith. She would like to be so enthusiastic and calm too but she's not. Better, she is. But fear has a great role in all this stuff as well. Fear she's gonna suck like a mom, fear she won't be able to breastfeed, fear for the labor. A lot of freaking fears. Dr. Milton stands up and gets closer.

"Let's take a look to baby Sheperd now"

He wears gloves and turns on the sonogram. He raises Meredith scrub top and fishes a meter out of his pocket.

"Drop your pants and panties a bit please"

Meredith sighs, it feels so different when you're the patient. She uses to do every kind of exam to patients and she has never felt embarrassed to run any of them. But having a doctor looking at her private parts, a man actually, with her husband standing two feet from her is making her really nervous. She does what asked anyway and dr. Milton measures her belly.

"I'd say everything is in the normalcy. Any pain, bleed, contraction?"

"Nothing"

"Good… You could start feeling some movement in a few week"

"I know"

"Sorry… I always forget you're a doctor… I'm ready for the scan. Are you?"

"Sure"

"Still avoiding to know the baby's sex?"

"Yeah"

"Good, I'll sail far from there then"

He leans the instrument on Meredith's belly and both her and Derek look at the screen. Derek's hold on her hand tightens as soon as their baby appears on the video. Perfect. Legs, feet, toes, arms, hands, fingers, even the little mouth moving… A person. A tiny little person. Their person.

"Baby Sheperd looks restless…"

"It is"

"I just need to take some measure… the usual stuff… head, thighbone, arm… I'll let you take a look in the while"

Meredith's and Derek's eyes are fixed on the screen where dr. Milton is tracing lines picking up the measures on their unborn baby. Science can really do miracles if it can show unborn people letting the parents dream for the best. And the best.

"Have you thought about epidural or natural birth?"

"I would go for natural… without epidural"

"Brave…"

"I hope I'll be brave and not stupid"

"If you have decided this… it means you have idea of what you're doing"

He sets the instrument down and goes back his desk.

"Everything is fine. Weight should be between 7 … 7,5 pounds in the end of pregnancy… Have you decided about your leave? I guess it's going to become more and more difficult to do your job"

"Mc Peanut acts like barrier between the world and me… Anyway… I'd go on working another month or so…"

"Uhm uhm"

Dr. Milton looks doubtful and Meredith shares a worried look with Derek, who clears his throat.

"Do you think it's gonna be too stressful for the baby?"

"No, more to your wife. Your job is very demanding dr. Grey. And it's not like you can bail during surgery or a shift. This is a personal choice and I respect yours. Don't overdo anyway"

"Ok…"

He writes a note on a document and handles it to Meredith.

"Here is the memo for your last labs… you have to do them in four weeks. I'll see you then" he stands up and stretches his hand "Good luck and take care of yourself"

"Thank you"

They stand up and leave the room, Derek leans an arm on Meredith's shoulders and kisses her temple. She sighs.

"He thinks I'm a stupid"

"Why?"

"I shouldn't be working…"

Derek takes Meredith's hand and she turns on her heels. He holds the contact.

"He said it's a personal choice and you're doing great. It's not a problem if you want to keep working"

"But you aren't happy either"

Derek swallows, Meredith has touched a wound he doesn't know how to heal, how to cure. It's not about her working or not, he knows she loves her job and staying home waiting for the labor pains would freak her out. It's about a conversation he had to face time ago and he decided to delay, but now there was no space left.

"Come on, Derek… just say it"

"I was wondering if this has something to do with my trial…"

"Of course it has. It's going to start now, it's a big thing. And I wanted to help. But I have the impression you're not so hell bent about it"

"It's not that. I love to work with you… you know that… but… the day I had to work on the grant proposal, I just… I couldn't do it. And then I realized... It was you. It's a clinical trial for Alzheimer's. It's a serious work, and I couldn't think of anything but you. I know you want to be a part of the trial, but I can't have you anywhere near it. I feel like this now"

"That's why you got mad to Cristina this morning? You hoped she would volunteer?"

"I hoped she wouldn't give up without even trying… I want someone concerned in this and I'm afraid any of them will take this seriously like you would"

She squeezes his hand and smiles.

"They will when they realize you're fight like a dog on this. You'll have to build gates then"

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"No… I kind of suspected that after you convinced me not to pick up the Alzheimer's gene result. But I still hope you'll realize they are all morons and you need me"

"I already know that"

He kisses her lips quickly and they walk away together.

* * *

Owen enters a supply room and finds Cristina in.

"Hey…"

"Hey… this place is circling the drain if we're supposed to come here and pick up stuff by ourselves"

"It's funny, though… we get to choose what we prefer…"

Cristina turns around and sees him holding a yellow box, his look curious while he rolls the object in his fingers.

"That should be a new feces collector…"

"Oh…" he immediately sets it down on the shelf "he looked… nicer than that"

She chuckles.

"Like most thing in here"

She picks up a tray, ready to leave.

"What are you looking for by the way?"

"Nothing… just gauzes and a forceps"

"They should be over there" she waves her head pointing to the last shelf in the room.

"I kind of remembered it…"

A thick silence fills the room and Owen clears his throat.

"How did it go?"

"What?"

"Your meeting… with Sheperd and the Chief…"

"Oh… just a load of crap and I said I wasn't interested"

Owen's face paints in a grimace, disbelief evident in his voice.

"What?"

"What?" she shrugs careless and Owen chuckles.

"Cristina… everybody would kill to be part of that trial… it's a great chance even if you didn't choose neuro. It's ambitious but Sheperd will spit blood for it…"

"He was pissed actually but I don't care. I have already too many problems with Teddy to lose time with Sheperd"

"You didn't make up with her?"

"No, I did. But she didn't with me so… we're in a deadlock by now"

"I think she's waiting for you to apologize"

"I have nothing to apologize for"

"So I guess your probation won't end that fast"

She chuckles shaking her head.

"I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do. If she's going to abuse me longer I will report her"

"And you'll lose as you're wrong"

"How do you know?" her voice raises and she opens her arms in disbelief.

"As I see you. You act like you're the best one, always knowing, always doing right but it's not like this. Teddy is your attending and you need to show her respect. This isn't a democracy, Cristina. You should know. You're still soldier, a very good one, but a soldier and she's the general. So you just obey even if you think she's doing a mistake"

"And let someone die?"

"No one died… and this should tell you she wasn't wrong at all. Maybe she sees things differently, maybe she sees further than you. You have still so many things to learn"

"Oh right… Sheperd's crap we're still babies"

"You are. And I don't want to argue with you. I know Teddy and she won't bail. If you don't do it, you'll lose months in this stupid fight. You'll lose it and you're already losing it" Cristina snorts and paces in the room "just stop and think of all the surgeries you've been losing in these days. Is your pride so important to you?"

"Yeah" she spats back and her eyes are shining with rage and frustration.

"Sometimes life is much more than pride and ego Cristina" his voice gets softer and he closes the distance between the two of them, he strokes her arm and their eyes lock. "It's also about the chances we lose for our impulsivity … I don't want you to jeopardize your career for it. And I don't want to lose you for my own"

Cristina looks at him and senses he's trying to apologize for their fight. It's been a long time, days of silences and misunderstandings and they need to clear the field and start new.

"I won't waste my career… and we have still to talk… just not now, ok?"

He nods and lets go of her arm.

"I'll see you at home tonight?"

"No…" Owen frowns but Cristina takes his hand "Meredith invited me… us for dinner and I said yes. We'll talk later"

"Ok"

"I need to go now"

"Good luck"

She gives him a small smile and walks away.

* * *

Teddy enters the attending lounge and finds Callie and Arizona sitting on the couch, reading a magazine together. Their faces light up in a smile when they see her.

"Look who's here… How was it?" Callie's face shines in excitement and Arizona looks at her puzzled.

"What?"

"She had a date with Mc Throaty"

"No!?"

Arizona turns to look to Teddy, curiosity pouring out from every pore. Teddy is still standing in the same spot, surprised by all the rumors and excitement filling the room. She sits on the couch sighing, messaging her temples. Arizona's and Callie's smiles drop.

"Oh… that bad?"

"I told you he's too self confident. Too self confidence means low sexual performances and there's nothing worse than ending a date with bad sex"

"You slept with him after the first lunch together?"

"I did not sleep with anyone! Can you stop it please?" She stands up and goes to the table to pour a cup of coffee. She sighs and Callie and Arizona share a worried look. "I didn't go out with… him"

"Didn't he show up?"

"He did but… a nurse screwed everything up"

"He was double dating you and a nurse?" Arizona's face is horrified and Teddy can't control a chuckle.

"No… no… it's… he wasn't. It's more complicated than that" She rolls the cup in her fingers and looks up just to hide her eyes onto the floor again. "Henry was there too and…" she shakes her head as it felt stupid to say out loud what she was feeling. Callie looked to Arizona and then prodded her.

"And?"

"He gave me an envelope… I guess the divorce papers and… Brandon got suspicious. And then a stupid nurse came and asked me to deliver a document to my husband… I guess he lost the magic by then"

"What a bitch!"

"Who is she? Is she a scrub nurse? As if she is… I'll give her hell in my OR…"

"Don't. To tell the truth I'm not that disappointed about it"

"Really? You look so beaten up…"

"I am… but not for that…"

"Ohh…" Arizona looks thoughtful and Callie smiles wickedly.

"I guess there's someone else in your head…"

Teddy looks at her and diverts her eyes.

"There so is… Who's the guy?" Teddy sighs and Callie gets serious.

"Please… don't tell me you're after Owen all over again"

"No… no… it's not him"

"Who then?"

No word comes out of Teddy's mouth and Arizona gets impatient.

"Is he married?"

"Arizona!" Callie slaps her hand and she rolls her eyes.

"What? She doesn't talk and I thought she couldn't tell… What other reason exist for her to shut up like that?"

"He is married actually…" Teddy's voice comes out a whisper and the two surgeons look bewildered at her. She turns her head to look at them and speaks again "to me".

Both Arizona and Callie open their mouth in astonishment, they knew the crazy story of Teddy and the guy she had married to give him a medical insurance. They also knew sometimes she went to his room to see him and that he had been discharged in the morning, just a short pause before the beginning of Webber's trial. No way they could know something was going on between the two of them.

"Did you sleep with him here in the hospital?"

"God, no! Why do you always think screwing comes in the first place? Have you ever dated someone before getting naked? I didn't sleep with him…"

"Ok… but you said he was a pity case. Why is it bothering you now?"

Teddy stands up pacing in the room, stroking her eyes tiredly.

"I don't know. I feel a connection to him and I feel… he does the same"

"Which kind of connection?"

"I don't know… we haven't talked about it but… he's a nice guy and I…"

"Could fall for him?"

Teddy looks at her dazed, suddenly aware of the extent of the words she's uttering. She sinks in the couch rubbing her eyes tiredly.

"It's not a shame to feel attracted by someone"

"I know… It's just I let him walk away without even asking for his number. The trial can start in weeks or months and I won't know how he is till he shows up"

"Maybe it's not that bad…"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you're an expert doctor… you practice from a long time and… you know how to relate with patients…"

"Just come to the point, ok?"

"Maybe you have just idealized him… for this crazy marriage thing. I think you should wait and question your real feelings to him… see if you magnified your emotions due to the situation or if you are still interested in him when he comes back"

"It's not I have a choice in it, isn't it?"

Callie smiles to her and rubs her back, Teddy's pager goes off loudly and she takes it.

"Emergency?"

"On my call day… Just great… That date wasn't meant to be anyway"

She stands up and walks to the door, she opens it and turns around.

"Thank you for… the vent"

"When you want"

* * *

Derek knocks to a familiar door and familiar voice invites him to step in. He puts his face in.

"Dr. Wyatt… do I bother you?"

"Dr. Sheperd… you're welcome here… Please come in"

Derek smiles to her and closes the door behind his back.

"I started to miss you"

"I'm really glad to hear that every time and then"

He flashes her a smile, finally a bright, without shadows smile and dr. Wyatt makes mental note of his nickname. Truly fitting. She focuses again and pointes to her couch, inviting him to sit.

"What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Nothing in particular… it was long time I didn't stop by and wanted to say hi"

Dr. Wyatt leans on her backrest and arches her brow, Derek looks down, almost squirming under her scrutiny. This woman could really read through him and that was why he liked her so much. Derek didn't like to talk about himself and his life, that was assumed. And he had found a woman, a professional, who could get his feelings and thoughts without him to say them out loud. And this was a perk. And also a bad thing. She had dragged him out the whole he had fallen after the attack he had suffered, she had dragged him out the bad memories of his father's death. And she had also helped him through his relationship with Meredith. During their sessions he had understood something which he was too ashamed to admit before, a feeling which was, from his side, the loose cannon for their relationship. He had overcome it but now… now it was there again. It always happened when he tried to protect Meredith, to decide for her. The guilt took over and he needed to talk about it with dr. Wyatt. She made him feel self assured, she made him feel like a caring husband and not an ass. And he needed that today. He needed a confrontation.

"Ok… it's not just for that I came here"

Her facial muscles move undetectably, Derek can see a kind of grin under her expression. Dr. Wyatt is a sphinx when it comes to her patients, she gets everything but gives you nothing. She looks a lot like his mother. Only she is not thanks God and he can talk freely.

"My trial starts in a couple of days"

"I heard that… How are you feeling about it?"

"Excited…" He smiles again, something which lights up his face and dr. Wyatt gets he is true, a little boy in the candy store, the same expression he has when he talks to her about Meredith and the baby. This guy is a rara avis on earth, he has survived and finally tamed Meredith Grey, one of her toughest patients ever. And he is still enthusiastic and optimist. He can cheer up for simple things like a little boy. Very rare considering the hurdles like shoved on his face and the kind of job he practice. But excitement is not the only thing he is feeling right now.

"So you came here to share your excitement… with me?"

Her brows quirks again and Derek bursts out laughing. There is always malice in dr. Wyatt's words, a twisted mind could think she was talking dirt to him, hitting on him. Mark had suggested that when Derek had told him about her. But this is how she worked. She is direct and doesn't use the cold vocabulary of shrinks. She looks puzzled at him and he gets serious again.

"I'm sorry… It's just… you destroy my defense every time I get in here"

"You're paying me for that… so… what's your deal with the trial?"

"This morning I had the briefing with the residents and started a contest…"

Dr. Wyatt smiles intimately, Meredith Grey… that was the problem again.

"And I told Meredith I'd want her out of it"

"Do you think she couldn't handle it?"

"No"

"Why?"

"It's going to be tough"

"More than your usual job?"

"I think so… We'll have young people… mothers… and I don't want her to feel involved in it… She could be too emotional…"

"It looks to me you can be too"

Derek sighs and looks to dr. Wyatt, he sinks in the couch fidgeting with his clock.

"I am… in the close of a lonely room. But when I'm with patients, I close it out. She doesn't"

"Why did you start this trial, Derek?"

"I have told you already…"

"I know… I'm not a stupid senile woman. You told me but I want you to tell me again"

"I wanted to do something which could change my world. Meredith's mother got Alzheimer, Meredith is afraid to get it too so… I just wanted to try and find something to help this people… to fight this… horrible disease…"

"Don't you think this can make you emotional too?"

Derek breaths out.

"Have you told Meredith about the case you studied… from England?"

"No" his voice is flat and defeated.

"The 32 years old woman who can't recognize her 3-year-old daughter?"

"No" he closes his eyes, the mere thought of it is terrifying.

"So you can figure out Meredith being a 40 years old mother not remembering her own child and you don't want her to do the same? That's it?"

"Yes"

"It looks to me it's your problem, Derek, not hers"

He looks to the wall, avoiding her stare and dr. Wyatt gets she has scored a point.

"You're keeping out your wife from the trial not your resident"

"So what should I do? I told her and she knows it"

"She knows you're scared she'll get sick?"

"No… I told her I couldn't work with her on this even if I know she'd be better than anyone else"

"So you're damaging your own patients denying them a good and caring assistant?"

"I'll deny them a wonderful assistant not to waste their chance… I really can't do this with her"

"But the guilt is still there…"

"Of course it is… I've never made choices this way before. I always put the patient before and gratified the best one. I feel like I'm punishing her for something which is not on her"

He strokes his eyes and dr. Wyatt sees a ghost in front of her, the broken man she had known months before. Where the hell was the happiness she had seen three minutes before? Derek Sheperd was a balanced man, that was what he showed at least. But knowing him, and she thought she knew him pretty good by now, she realized he had a tiny little box inside where he hid fears and insecurities. He stored everything in it. And she was sure there was something more than this which was bothering him, something which made it impossible for him to work with Meredith on Alzheimer's. Only she didn't get what. And she was sure it had nothing to do with Meredith's mother.

"Maybe you are… you feel like you're punishing her to protect her. It sounds odd but it fits Derek. Meredith should work with people who had her mother's disease, this could awake bad memories and her fears to get Alzheimer's herself. She could come up again to the idea of picking up her tests result"

A flash of fear cloud his eyes and immediately disappear. Dr. Wyatt tilts her head to the side.

"Is this what is scaring you?"

"Of course it is"

"Why?" the question sounds pitiless to her own ears but it has to be made. Derek recoils lightly on his chair and then, magically, confidence appears in his eyes again, his voice grows louder and firm.

"As we're having a baby. Last thing she needs to worry about is a gene which could or couldn't bring the disease. Our life is about to change, it's going to be wonderful and scary at the same time. She'll be under a lot of pressure and I want to help her in it. But I don't want Alzheimer's ghost to enter her brain again"

"And what did she say when you told her she was out?"

"She said she already felt it"

"Is she mad?"

"Not now but… I know her… she'll be when the first procedure starts and she'll be out of the game"

"You could always change idea…"

"I could but… I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it"

Their eyes meet halfway and dr. Wyatt gives him a reassuring smile.

"You'll be if you have to"

"What does this mean?"

"You give yourself too little credit, Derek. Your fragility is your strength. It gives you hints to think and face your problems and fears with humility and rationality. I know that you feel bad for it… I feel it… but you underestimate this quality. As it's a quality. In men specially. You're used to stand and man up also when it's not worth. Sometimes it's better to stop and think than yell. You do it. And I'm sure that you're honest enough to change your mind if you get it's time. And if I can tell you something without affecting you…"

"I'm not that easily influenced"

"I'll bet a drink Meredith will be on your service within the end of the week. You'll be once the other support in this. Just wait for it to come"

"What?"

"The awareness…" she stands up and sits behind her desk. Derek stands too "I wait for you when you want to tell me your impressions"

"Ok… thank you" he walks towards the door and dr. Wyatt calls him back

"Oh… dr. Sheperd…"

"Yes?"

"If I'm right… I expect you to invite me out for that drink"

He chuckles and turns to leave.

"Just keep it quiet though… my husband works here too and dr. Sloan has a deep throat already…"

"He's waiting for it to come… our first date… I mean"

She grins to him adjusting the glasses on her nose.

"Close the door, please"

* * *

Bailey enters the Chief's office and finds him deep concentrated reading.

She closes the door and frowns seeing he's not focused on magazines or hospital stuff but some hand written papers.

"Are you writing your memories, chief?"

He looks up, taking off his glasses.

"No, not yet. Even if I guess I should start"

She sits in front of him, puzzled.

"Still riding the stupid idea to retire?"

"No, I'm just trying to find good occupations when I'll be a surgeon and leave all bureaucracy to Derek"

"It doesn't look to me like he wants to take over…"

"Everything is settled. In two months he'll take the throne and I'll take the glory"

"How is it?"

"I'm working on something which will give us a lot of visibility"

"More than the Alzheimer's trial?"

"No more than that but… just the same"

He smiles and she looks doubtful.

"Are you having second thoughts chief?"

"About what?"

"Stepping down…"

"No, on the contrary… I'm counting days and I'm looking forward to start this"

He handles her one of Ellis' diaries. Miranda flips the pages quickly.

"And what is it?"

"These are Ellis Grey's journals. Meredith gave them to me. They describe all surgeries she made in her career and… I found a note which could open a motorway to the cure of Diabetes"

"Uhm uhm" she looks doubtful and little interested.

"I could not tell you before now and I even now I prefer to stay buttoned up. I send a plan to the FDA for a trial and I'm waiting for their approval"

"Is this the thing you proposed to Altman's husband?"

"Yes"

"How could you if it has not been approved yet?"

"As I'm sure it will. It's a milestone, Bailey. When I'll give you the papers you'll agree with me"

"Of course, Chief" She sets the journal back on his desk "Anyway I came here to talk to you about mrs. Green"

"Your patient with the tumor to dissect?"

"Yes, I ran the tests today and we can't push the surgery further. Organs are going to fail if we don't operate soon"

"Ok… arrange everything then"

"I need your help with it… we had talked about it… do you remember?"

"Of course I do"

"So can I schedule it when I want or do you need to consult your agenda?"

"No, whenever you want. I kept free from surgeries to go on with the trial preparations" he smiles to her but Bailey is serious and Richard starts to get mad "What's your problem with this?"

"I have no problem, chief"

"No, you have. You've been looking at me like I was a fool since I told you about the trial. It's not out of jealousy, it's not out of nowhere. I led trials when Derek still had diapers on and I don't need to prove anything to you or anyone else"

"I've never said that. I've just thought that two trials at the same time can bring disorders in our organization"

"What does this would mean?"

"Who will help you through it?"

"I don't know it yet"

"Well… you should think about it. Grey is going to take her leave in four weeks tops and Sheperd will need permanently a resident to help him with his study. We're running short with hands in here"

"You don't need to worry for human resources. You've never have and you'll never will. The moment you'll have complains to raise, I'll be here glad to take them. Now, if you excuse me, I have a presentation to write"

"Of course, sir"

She stands up and leaves.

* * *

Meredith spots Cristina in the cafeteria and sits with her.

"Hey… we should be leading surgeries in some fancy OR… Instead we're here drinking crappy juice… Attendings really suck"

"Don't cry on your ass… You can go home and give sex to yours… Tomorrow you'll have all the fancy Ors you want. What a shame I can do the same with Teddy" she drinks her coffee.

"I have never corrupted Derek with sex…" Cristina eyes her wickedly "Not for surgery at least"

"That's crap… You stole surgery from me on our first day as you had sex with him… Things didn't change along years… It just got worse" she eyes her belly meaningfully and Meredith snorts.

"You're nasty… you don't get laid with your attending and lash out on me. You should be careful to my feelings… I'm pregnant and over sensitive"

"Yeah… I forgot that…" she takes a look in the cafeteria and then looks back to Meredith "How did the visit go by the way? I guess good…"

"Yes…" a bright smile paints Meredith's face and Cristina rolls her eyes "I got to work one more month"

"What's the perk of starting Derek's trial if you'll leave in a while?"

"I won't work on it actually…" Cristina's eyes narrow "I guess that was the sense of the contest thing"

"Sheperd is really recruiting residents?"

"Resident… he'll pick one"

"I really thought that was a false for the chronicles…"

"It wasn't… And he really thought you could be interested in it"

"He doesn't know me then… I've my hands on something more juicy than that"

"What would that be?"

"You'd like to know…"

"Cristina…"

"We're enemies in that, Mer. And you already have too many advantages in here for me to tell you" Meredith drinks again and Cristina looks at her "Did you get me a photo of McPeanut's private parts?"

"No, I told you we don't want to know"

"That's childish, Meredith… You could just tell me and I'd keep the secret"

"No, you wouldn't. You'd buy me colored gifts and the color would break the secret. If I can wait, you can too"

"Have you picked the name at least?"

"We're down to four now. Tonight we'll have the final struggle"

"Keep your legs closed or I already know who will win it" Meredith gives her a deathly glare and Cristina chuckles.

"What now?"

"Nothing… I was just figuring out a Derek junior or crap like this"

"Mind your own names instead"

"I will when Owen and I will adopt a canary or a red fish… and I still have names for them"

"Good, I take you have solved your little quarrel then"

"We haven't talked about it yet. Tonight, after your dinner and before Sheperd thrusts his names inside of you" Meredith picks up a paper towel and throws it against Cristina, she stops it and chuckles "you're my person and I know you so damned good…"

"You don't… and I'll show you"

"I'll ask you about it tomorrow morning… I have a drink in my pocket already"

"Don't count on that"

* * *

Derek is walking down the hallway. He stops in front of a closed door, a nurse in front of him. He turns around when she's about to dial a security code on the keyboard on the wall. He feels stupid but he prefers not to know how to enter that room by himself. Inside a fridge there are all the envelopes containing the data of the first ten patients of his trial. A numerical id marks each of them. Yesterday the computer the FDA provided him made the draw. To each id the system paired an envelope, that envelope containing their destiny: placebo or drug, palliative or active agent. Solace or cure. It's a tough thing and he preferred to give only a nurse the access code of the area, no doctor, resident or anybody else would be allowed to enter there without her. It was a safety procedure the FDA supervisor demanded and got without resistance. It was Derek's purpose to ensure the trial would display in absolute regularity and clearness. The door clicked open and he was going to walk in when Mark's voice sounded in the hallway.

"Finally… I looked for you everywhere"

"I was going in to check things for the last time"

"Can I come in or the national guard will arrest me?"

Derek rolls his eyes and Mark smirks, they enter the room together.

"I'll wait you out dr. Sheperd"

The nurse smiles to him and leaves, almost ignoring a hurt Mark.

"I slept with her and now she just ignores me"

Derek takes all the envelopes outside the fridge.

"What would you expect? That she crawled after you all over again?"

"No, but we share a good memory together. We could be friends"

"Maybe the memory wasn't that good to her"

"Really nice, man"

"I'm just saying…"

He's checking all the papers and Mark takes a look around.

"So this is your castle… pretty modest as location"

"I didn't need much space, just a private and safe room. Richard gave me an office downstairs, I'll use that to keep all documents and datas"

"So that's the beginning"

"It is" Derek breaths out and Mark looks at him.

"Your baby is going to weep for the first time but you don't look so happy… Are you feeling the pressure?"

"How could I not? This is big, Mark"

"Awfully big… But last time you succeeded. Last week you showed your good face in the big world and if someone could try something so ambitious and fool… that's you"

"What is this, a compliment?"

"No way… I leave this crap to journalists… I just say the truth"

Derek looks up and meets Mark's eyes. In moments like this he swore he could see the young and shy boy he had met in New York. Lonely, affective, true. Mark Sloan used to wear a mask of arrogance and swagger, but it was just a disguise. He hid himself behind it. And even the sleeping around thing was a form of insecurity and self declaration. He had found something he was good at and he had spent… wasted most part of his life doing it. Now he had converged his good energy and qualities in a serious and healthy relationship and all his person as well as the professional had earned a lot from it. He was more balanced and had thrown over his heads the rivalry Derek and him had always fed. They could say to each other their respect without sounding lame. And Derek liked it. There was no second meaning now. There was no flattering. The fight they had on Lexie had been overcome, the punches they threw to each others had paradoxically cleaned the field once forever. Things had gone back to ages ago when Derek could lean on Mark and confide in him.

"Thank you. I wish I could be that positive too"

"Just be… It's not time to be scared or to have second thoughts"

"I'm not. But I feel something heavy on my shoulders"

"You could talk to your favorite shrink"

Mark sets his hands in his pockets and grins to him.

"I've already done it"

"Really?"

"I've just walked out of her office actually"

"And what did she say to you?"

"To go ahead"

"Just that?"

"Isn't it enough?"

He put stuff back in the fridge and checked the door was sealed.

"No dirty talking this time?"

Derek looks at Mark who is still grinning.

"And I thought you had grown up"

He walks out of the door and leaves Mark room to do the same.

"I have and I'm just worrying about you"

"Worried? What do you think can happen to me?"

"She could kidnap you and tie you to her couch"

"You look too many porno movies, Mark"

"I have never watched that crap, I don't need it"

"Then your fantasy runs too much"

"And you're too naive. You're an easy target to witches like that"

"Gentlemen…" they look up and see dr. Wyatt right in front of them. Derek straightens up immediately, guilt painted on his face. Mark is trying to keep serious and Derek elbows him; from the look of the woman's face, he can tell she heard something. He tries a smile anyway and dr. Wyatt speaks again "Aren't you too old for fairytales?"

"We never are too much for that… am I wrong?" Mark tries a seductive smile and dr. Wyatt arches her brow. He feels awkward under her scrutiny and Derek comes in help.

"I've just shown dr. Sloan the room I keep the trial's stuff"

"I see… I leave you to your sightseeing then. I wait for you dr. Sheperd… and my drink too"

She leaves and Mark looks at Derek grinning, his courage back. Derek meets his face and shakes his head.

"Just shut up"

"How cute to take her out… Can I come too for a double date?"

"Why not… She could try to bring sense into you"

* * *

All the residents and the attending are at Joe's for an aperitif before dinner. They are all sitting around a table drinking and eating peanuts. Meredith is giggling as Lexie is telling about her day.

"You're mean… Who does that?"

"Anyone Lexie… it happened to Derek too"

Derek rolls his eyes warning her.

"Mer… please"

"Come on, Shep. Don't be that shy… It was a sort of initiation in New York and you fell in it with all your shoes"

"So I don't need to feel bad as I didn't recognize a trans?"

"No, baby… you're in good company. But cheer up as apparently it gets better with the time… Derek made it to recognize men from women finally"

He eyes Meredith's belly meaningfully and Meredith smiles seeing Derek shaking his head. She strokes his cheek tenderly.

"Nobody would never dare to doubt his manhood now …"

"We don't actually…" Alex picks up his beer and drinks "on the contrary… it's fine Sheperd… we got it. Keep it quiet"

Cristina and Meredith laugh seeing Derek's flushed face. He swallows and answers back.

"It's not me who has to slow down his pace here… At least I don't change woman very night"

"I'm young… I need to make experience"

"That's crap Evil Spawn… you're waiting for the gynie to give you private lessons"

She swallows some peanut and Mark eyes Alex.

"So you're have a soft spot for gynie squad, Karev, again?"

"I haven't"

"Watch out as we could start thinking you attend the floor to see some for free"

"I don't need that"

"Just saying… Anyway there's just the problem to choose in here"

He takes a look around and Lexie slaps his hand playfully.

"Eyes down here"

"I didn't…"

"You did! Keep your eyes on the table, now"

"Lexie… I'm just trying to help Karev"

"He'll help himself… anyway he likes"

Alex chokes on his drink and everybody burst out laughing. Lexie covers her mouth with her hand.

"Oh God… I didn't mean that…"

"That would be really the last drop" Derek mutters grinning seeing Alex's face blushing.

"Be merciful, Derek. Nobody gets around here like you do"

"You're wrong… I got once and that was forever"

He smiles to Meredith and she smiles back and they kiss. Cristina rolls her eyes.

"So cheesy, McDreamy. But you hooked all Greys in here…"

Meredith bursts out laughing and it's Lexie's turn to blush now. Derek leans on his chair uncomfortably while Owen looks uncertain to him.

"What?"

"I met him here the first time"

Lexie tries to sound casual but Mark looks between the two of them.

"You hit on her?" His voice sounds incredulous and Derek feels a hint of panic in it.

"Mark…" he warns him but then decided to play the game. "Fine, she hit on me. Actually asked me out but I turned her down"

"You bastard… I got a punch as I just talked to big Grey when we met"

"But you were dirty Mark and she was just…" Meredith clears her throat arching her brows and Derek gets what she's thinking… "a stranger in a bar. I had my girl from the bar waiting for me home"

"And I didn't know him… and her yet… so… it doesn't count anything"

Lexie waves her hands and Mark stops her.

"We'll discuss this later" he leans and whispers in her ear "and you're going to pay for that"

Lexie grimaces and Derek smiles, he notices empty glasses all around and picks them up.

"I go and take the last round. Dinner is waiting"

He kisses Meredith's head and stands up, dodging chairs and walking to Joe's counter. Mark realizes Meredith's eyes never leave Derek's ass level, she looks magnetized and he grins sipping his beer.

"Are you up for a game, big Grey?"

"Which game?"

"I'm gonna grill Derek's butt a bit… but this will turn you on, I swear"

Derek is leaning at the counter waiting for his drinks to be ready, his shoulders to the room. Suddenly he hears Mark's loud voice and turns around frowning.

"All right people… may I have your attention, please?"

"Mark?"

"Many people here work in the hospital so what I' gonna say it's not new to you" Cristina eyes Meredith and she shrugs "As you all know dr. Sheperd here is starting a new, fancy trial. He got grants and sponsors but" he grins "to his misfortune… there are some hundred bucks missing so… in agreement with his wife here… we decided to instate an auction and… the prize is nothing less than a dance with him"

All their table bursts out laughing and Derek's face goes pale.

"So just don't be shy… offers are free… Let's start people"

The bar fills with noise, voices, murmurs, laughs and Derek starts to walk to the table. A yang woman stands on his way though and he has to stop. He shivers seeing her smile.

"Five dollars"

"Oh come on…" Derek looks for Meredith's help but she's laughing with Cristina.

"Ten"

Voices bounce from one corner to the other and Lexie turns around stunned.

"See baby… it's not my ass they want anymore… Watch out Grey… McDreamy has a lot of McFans"

"Didn't I know it" she sips a gulp of her juice and looks at Derek, encircled by a group of women and even a couple of men. Even Cristina realizes that and chuckles.

"I beg you, Mer. Let that guy win the auction. I'd hold Derek's balls for the rest of our residency"

"I think it's time I go and get back what's mine"

She stands up and makes her way to Derek, she clears her throat.

"Fifty dollars"

People space out and she can approach and embarrassed and clumsy Derek.

"That's all folks! Big Grey won the contest… Joe… music please!"

"Mark…"

Meredith closes the space that separated her from Derek smiling to him. She closed her arms around his waist and pulled him closer.

"Time to enjoy my dance, dr. Sheperd"

"Mer…" there was a hint of panic in his voice and Meredith chuckled.

"It's time you win that stupid thing of public dancing… Besides… we've never had our romantic marriage dance… It's time you make up. And I wasted fifty bucks for you so… sway your ass sweetie" she lifted on her tiptoes and kissed him, her arms moving around his neck. Derek relaxed a bit and closed his hands on her waist. They started swaying slowly.

"I'm gonna kill him this time"

"Why? This was cute… And I had further prove I need to shorten my leave here… All these owls are ready to jump you"

"Jealous much, hum?"

"Shut up… you owe me… and I still can leave you to that puny and toothless guy… He's stripping you down with his eyes" she giggled and Derek's hold on her tightened.

"I have never been so happy to have dinner with Cristina like now… Don't let her know I told that though" Meredith giggled again and they enjoyed their dance.

* * *

_The problem of proud people is that they often fall on their faces._

_They assume too much and just end up having nothing to show._

_Climbing mountains and not being able to make one step after the other._

_You want to run and you just can't walk on your own._

* * *

Derek and Owen are in the kitchen. Derek is taking the meal out of the oven and Hunt is opening some wine.

"It's done"

"Do you always cook?"

"Most of the times… Meredith is not fond of cooking"

"What am I not fond of?"

She walks into the kitchen followed by Cristina, her hair tied in a pony tail. She has changed into comfortable clothes, a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt. She gets close to Derek and leans on him to get a kiss. He breaths her scent in.

"Cooking… you don't like cooking that much"

She steals a potato from the plate and Derek tries to slap her hand playfully.

"Why should I have all that bother? There are take aways and restaurants for a reason…"

"Yeah… to poison us. Let's go or it will get cold"

They all walk in the living room and sit two opposite to the others. Derek pours them all a cup of wine and they raise them all together.

"Hunt… you want to make the greeting?"

"Ok… to the baby… Cristina told me the visit went fine so… to the new comer and… to Derek's trial… I wish you all the best"

"Thank you… no more auctions I hope though"

"That was worth the evening, Sheperd"

They laugh and their glasses tickle, they take a sip. Cristina puts her glass down.

"So… who are you gonna work with?"

She lowers her eyes on the plate non chalantly while cutting her potatoes and Derek's face falls, he leans his glass on the table and clears his throat.

"I don't know it yet. I started a contest, remember?"

"Yes" she sets a fork in her mouth and chews looking at him. She gets he is embarrassed and looks at Meredith who is smiling "but Meredith and I are out of it so… it doesn't leave room to many others candidates"

Derek grips his fork and Owen sees he's disappointed. Meredith comes in help before he can talk though.

"Cristina… we had agreed not to talk about the hospital… Drop it"

"Ok…" she lowers her head in the plate again "you know, Health Nut … this stuff lacks of salt and spices…"

"I'll go and take them" Meredith stands up and walks to the kitchen

"Bring some sauce too, Mer, since you're going"

"As you like, princess" her voice comes from the kitchen and Owen stands too.

"I'll go to help her"

"Thank you"

Derek smiles to him and then adjusts the towel on his groin. He lowers his eyes on the plate but Cristina can catch the unhappy glare he sends her before doing it. She stops mid air with her fork.

"What? Are you mad as I'm going to profane your healthy cooking?"

"No… don't worry… I'm used to your insane habits by now"

He doesn't look at her and she grimaces.

"Ok… so what? Is it still about my backing off your trial?"

Derek looks up at her chewing, his face confirms Cristina her suspicion.

"You can talk Mc Dreamy… I'm not going to get offended"

Derek looks over his shoulder and sees Meredith and Owen aren't coming yet. He can hear their voices in the kitchen and the noise of shutters opening and closing. Cristina prompts him.

"So?"

"Nothing… I just thought you could be interested in it… that's all"

"Why would I be? I thought you got I don't give a crap of neuro by now"

Derek recoils on his backrest sighing. Cristina's words sounded like a punch to the stomach.

"That's what you think? That this is just about neuro?"

"Alzheimer's doesn't affect hearts or kidneys last time I read an article on it"

"Right" he talks through his teeth and Cristina looks at him stunned. She hasn't time to answer though that Meredith and Owen come back into the room.

"Here we go with crappy sauces and salt"

She sits near Derek and kisses his cheek. She then turns around to look for something. He looks puzzled at her.

"What?"

"I was sure I brought the garlic sauce with me but I can't find it"

She turns to take a look on the little table behind and Derek sees she's holding the little jar in her left hand. He sighs and takes her hand.

"You've got it right here, Mer"

She turns around and looks to her hand like she had just noticed it was there. She smiles but Cristina bursts out laughing.

"Sorry"

"Where's your head, Mer? Watch out or he'll admit you in his trial"

Cristina and Meredith both giggle, Meredith reversing the sauce on her plate, her eyes down. Derek's face has paled considerably and Owen sets a hand on Cristina's thigh to warn her, she looks at him and then to Derek and her laughter stops immediately. Meredith has noticed anything.

"He'd like to have me a like a patient. With all the oldies who will be growling on his coat… he'd have a sexy woman to hang on with" she smiles to him and he smiles back, kissing her lips.

"I don't need an excuse to hang on with you. Just stop eating that crap or I won't kiss you anymore"

Meredith looks offended and arches her browns seductively.

"Would you really do that?"

She's making him puppy eyes and he grins at her, sipping his wine.

"He won't, Mer. They play the hardcore with us but we keep them from their balls"

She is going to take another sip of wine but Owen stops her.

"What?"

"I think you drank too much already"

He takes her glass away and she rolls her eyes.

"You're just boring and… monotone men"

"But you love me like that, right?"

Cristina smiles to him and they kiss gaining a smile from both Meredith and Derek whose hands interlock on the table.

* * *

_Great achievers are not brave and fearless as they want to appear._

_They are just ready to face defeat._

_And accept it._

_As losing is part of the game. It's the other side of the victory coin._

_Fate flips it and we are left to wait for the landing._

_Heads we lose_

* * *

Teddy is sitting in a conference room and her pager beeps. The monitor shows 911 form the ER and she jogs down the hallway. She pushes the doors open and a nurse meets her right in front of the admittance.

"What have we got?"

"Jogger found unconscious on the street. No ID. Dr. Karev's running the code"

"Okay"

The nurse leads her to the visit room and she stops dead in her track recognizing the man lying on the stretcher, his shoulder bleeding: Henry. Alex talks to her.

"He's in V-fib"

Teddy focuses again, ignoring her heart squeezing seeing Henry unconscious there.

"Okay"

"Clear"

The static invests Henry and his body jerks, Teddy closes her eyes for an instant not bearing the sight of it. When she opens her eyes again, Henry's awake, breathing heavily from his mouth. He looks disoriented and scared and she gets closer.

"Henry…. It's me. You're in SGH again. How're you feeling?"

"Sore"

"We had to shock you. Do you remember what happened?"

"I was… I got home and decided to have a walk around… I started to have a pain…"

"Where?"

"My chest and…"

"What?"

"I jogged to go home faster"

Teddy's eyes narrow in surprise and shock.

"You had chest pain so you decided to go for a jog?"

He flinches when Alex sets a disinfectant on the wound on his shoulder.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry"

"How much morphine did you give him?"

"10"

"He shouldn't be in this much pain. Give him more"

Alex looks strangely at her and then obeys, taking a needle form the tray behind him.

"So what is this, a heart attack? 'Cause it sure feels like one"

"I don't know. We're gonna have to run some tests to find out. Tomorrow morning possibly… Now I'll take you here to monitor you and check out if you injured something else"

"Just my shoulder I guess… I fell on it"

Alex leaves the room for a moment and Teddy looks at Henry again, worry and anger and frustration mixing on her face. Before she can control the storm of emotions agitating her she starts yelling.

"A jog?!"

"Hey, it's not like I went out for a cheeseburger"

She sighs, defeated. Even if she tries, even she wants, she really can't stay mad to Henry. He is so innocent and pure. He says whatever he thinks, living like anything would bring to consequences. Maybe it's because he hasn't long perspectives… he lives today as tomorrow isn't granted. He wanted to have a walk and he just did. He didn't feel good and he ran home. Simple… yet fool.

* * *

_Tails we win._

* * *

Meredith is lying on one side and Derek is spooning her, placing soft kisses on her neck. His hands are caressing her belly tenderly and she's smiling for his ministrations.

"So… we have to go through names tonight"

"Do we really have? I'm really enjoying this"

He turns her around, laying on her back and kisses her lips passionately.

"We could join business to pleasure"

He kisses her neck and she closes her eyes.

"We could"

He straightens up a bit and takes off his shirt, then he covers Meredith's body with his, supporting his weight on his elbows not to crush her. He places hot kisses on her collarbone and she grips his hair.

"This is not fair"

"Why?"

"You're going to corrupt me with this"

He kisses her again and backs away.

"We could take it slower… first talk and then…"

Meredith shows him her intentions gripping his face and bringing it down to kiss her again. Their tongues dance together till they part.

"Ok… talking in the while"

He traces the curve of her chest with his nose and disappears under the sheet, when he comes back his face slides under her shirt and she giggles feeling his lips on her skin.

"This is dirt…"

"No fair play… I thought you told that"

He reappears from under her clothes with a smirk on his face and attacks her mouth again, getting a moan in response. He tilts her head to the side and bites her neck, gaining more whimpers and sighs.

"Do you want to tell me yours first?"

His hot breath on her face makes her dizzy and she shakes her head.

"I'm the one who decides so you can suggest"

Their eyes lock and he smiles to her, Meredith feels him lowering her panties and his lips distracts her while he enters her.

"Oh yes…." She closes her eyes and rolls her head backwards. Derek grins above her face.

"I haven't said anything yet…"

"I'll let you be an ass as this feels just too good…"

He kisses her and starts moving getting evident signs of her arousal. He had always thought that sexual life could get boring after years of cohabitation and frequentation. It had always been like that. But with Meredith things were only getting better. She could turn from angelic to dirty in a second but she was never vulgar and this appealed him a lot. Their reunion brought him excitement like the first time, it was always like a first time as it was always new and total. He hoped Meredith would feel cherished, she could feel how much he loved her. As this was just love, not sex. And she had started to call it like that herself. He had never doubted her emotions during this. Meredith Grey could lie talking but her body betrayed her. She had totally surrounded to him right now and it was just the beginning. Her cheeks were flushed… a rosy shadow which made her look more beautiful than ever, her lips were lightly open and swollen and he would keep her like that forever. Her skin felt soft and smooth and perfect, just like silk to his fingers. And then there was the bump… their baby… the ultimate evidence that their love was meant to be forever. Derek had to squeeze his eyes shut sometimes and reopen them to really believe this was all true. He couldn't wish for nothing else in his life. He had all. Right below him now.

"How does it feel?"

He attacked her neck again and her back arched in response, he felt her belly press against his stomach and couldn't resist to stroke it.

"You're… uhm…."

"Good?"

He couldn't resist to smile seeing how she was reacting to him. Just looking at her was pure bliss.

"More than good"

He kissed her lips again thrusting in slowly.

"How does Sofia sound like for our little girl?"

"It sounds wise and… caring"

"Do you like it?"

He tickled her arms and she shivered.

"Yes…"

He couldn't help but grin.

"The name, Mer…"

"Yes… she'd be daddy's girl, you can pick it"

She pressed his face down to hers again. When they parted he thrusted slowly again and she closed her eyes sighing.

"And what about Michael for mommy's boy?"

"It's perfect…"

"Is this a deal?"

"Yeah"

"Are you sure?"

"Kiss me"

Her soul was looking at him right now through wide, clear green eyes. He kissed her deeply and fastened his pace consuming their passion. He kissed her once again rolling off her and hugging her tight, her face pressing to his chest. Her breath was short and he caressed her hair soothingly.

"I love you, Meredith"

He kissed her forehead and she looked up at him smiling. She giggled.

"It's easy to say it after… this…"

"What is this?"

He attacked her lips again, his eyes boring in hers.

"Making love…"

"You're not fair… This is glorious making love"

He tickled her ear and she giggled again.

"After the last week's standing ovation… all doctors clapping you… Harper Avery in your hands is there still something you call glorious?"

"This was the most glorious round of love making I can remember…"

He caressed her face and she smiled to him. Suddenly he frowned.

"Wasn't it for you?"

"Oh yes… I didn't get a word of what you were saying"

He kissed her grinning.

"You won't get off our deal so easily. The die is cast"

"You took advantage of me"

"And I want to do it again, dr. Grey"

He rolled her so that she was laying on him, his lips capturing her in a sear kiss.

"And again…"

"Impressive, dr. Sheperd…"

* * *

_Only sometimes we hit the jackpot, others not._

_And there's no more bitter taste than the one you savour after the sweet taste of success._


	41. HERE IS THE DAY

Hey... here I am.

It took long to write as the chapter is very long.

I tried to explore my character's feelings here and I hope you'll enjoy it.

I notice I have new followers and I'd be very pleased if you let me know your impressions.

We're almost at the end of this ride and I hope you won't leave me right now.

R & R!

P.S. : tomorrow I'll start writing the next chapter of my other fic.

* * *

_We always have a day to look forward…_

_A birthday, a wedding day, exams…_

_Everything rolls around it._

_We are so excited and scared that it seems never to come fast enough._

_And then it does… we blink and it's gone._

* * *

It was early morning, really early morning. The alarm showed 4.13 a.m. and Derek was sitting on the bed buttoning his cuffs. Meredith was still sleeping, her snoring filling the room and bringing a smile to Derek's lips. He could stay there forever, listening to her breathing, her hands resting protectively on her belly, her chest raising and falling peacefully. She was wearing a silk night gown and she really looked sexy, hot, gorgeous. Pregnancy had added something to her natural and elegant beauty. Something sweet and… reassuring. Her form had changed along these seven months, much more than the simple added weight. Looking at her from behind nobody would get she was pregnant, Meredith had earned a few pounds, mainly concentrated on her belly. Her legs were skinny like they used to be before and that's why she always complained about backaches in the evening. But her breasts… they had grown magnificently and Derek couldn't get enough of them. Her body was more sensitive to his hands, it was more demanding.

This was another phase of their relationship and he loved it. Things had changed, radically. There was more sweetness, delicacy, intimacy. Sometimes in the past their interaction had been rough, physically speaking. They had been so taken by each others, passion had been so strong that the game had been often tough, she wanted to be dominated and he wanted her to be just his. The equation had brought to screamy and hot sex, not always what he wanted.

It was not a mystery he had been in love with her… forever. Every time he had kissed her, made love to her, that was the meaning of it. But for her it hadn't always been the same. Apparently not. Meredith Grey was a sex addict. He hurt thinking of it, but she was. When she had a problem, she used to find someone and forget about it, possibly naked. Her never ending list of sleepovers proved that. He had known some himself and the mere memory of it made him sick to his stomach. The guy with the broken penis, George… he had sworn to push everything away not to go crazy. It was something he couldn't do anything for, it had happened and it was over. And he had a double feeling about it. If Meredith hadn't been that girl, they wouldn't have met. Not the way they did. They would at the hospital but he had never fooled himself on this: without the hot and porn encounter the day before starting her internship, she would never go out with him. If she had played the cold girl to him for months before surrendering, he was sure she would never without that drunken precedent. So he was grateful she went to Joe's that evening. But, after Addison got in town and they broke up, this habit of hers brought him a considerable amount of pain.

Then they got into the Sex and Mockery period.

And it equally brought him pain. Derek was in love and he hoped she would give their story another chance, he hoped she would open her heart again. As, from some point of view, giving her body was her way to give him her soul. Just it wasn't enough and he was too weak to deny her this pleasure, he preferred like this than anything. Till he stopped and realized it couldn't be enough.

The place they were now… it was heaven on earth, it was love in the round. It was taking and giving and he had never experienced something like this. He had never loved anyone more than he loved her now. It was a primordial instinct… his woman carrying his child. He worshiped her body as it was the cradle of his lineage, he would never use it like he did before. It was sacred now, holy and precious. And he knew she felt that way too.

All the fears and insecurities she had fed in the previous years had disappeared when McPeanut had taken seed in her belly. She was going to be a great mum, she would care for him or her, she would give everything she had.

Good or wrong, everything, for all the time they would be allowed to be on this world.

Derek had never thought about death so much like in this period. And he was sure it was not about Gary Clark and the hell he had put him through. It was about having someone to leave behind, someone who depended on you. Who was defenseless and innocent. Leaving Meredith would be torturous too, but she was a grown up woman, she would suffer but she would raise her head somehow. A kid… it would be another story.

It was like wasting this little life from the beginning, taking away one of the biggest affective figures he or she would never experience. It was what Derek felt for himself sometimes. His mother had given everything to him and his sisters, but she was never able to replace his father and it was a loss he deeply felt in his heart.

For Meredith the hole was double. Her father left her. Her mother never loved her enough.

He hoped they would be able to cherish this baby like deserved.

And his trial was meant even for this.

It was the first day today and he felt nervous.

He had decided to wake up earlier than necessary and go to the hospital to check everything the last time.

He stood up sending a last glare to Meredith, he would meet her later at work.

He kissed the top of her head and left, closing quietly the door behind his back.

* * *

Cristina stood up stretching her stiffened spine, the room was still dark even if she could start to see light outside. She took a look at the clock yawning, it was 5.45, she stopped surprised noticing Owen wasn't in the bed anymore. Apparently her boyfriend was one of the few people who didn't like to cuddle under the covers, she knew his shift was supposed to start at 11.00 that day but, more than five hours earlier, he was already up and active. Doing what… she didn't know. The bathroom was silent so she decided to go to the living room and find him. And there he was, in front of the oven rummaging in pots and cups, wearing only a pair of shorts. He smiled seeing her approaching.

"Good morning"

"Hey" she stretched again and sat in front of the counter, propping her head on an elbow, her expression still sleepy. "What are you doing up already? You could stay in bed a little more"

"I was awake and… I thought you would need a black coffee to win the hangover effect"

"I have no hangover effect…" she spat defensively. "I wasn't drunk" he giggled to her anger.

"Trust me… you were. You fell sound asleep as soon as you laid your head on the pillow. And you snored all night long so… you so were drunk"

"Shut up" she dismissed him, grinning at his own grin. She rested her cheek on her displayed forearm and busied herself looking at Owen. It was pretty evident he was not a house husband… not that she was better but… at least she knew where to find stuff in the kitchen. And she had lived alone for years so… she could manage the everyday routine quite easily. Owen was on the contrary clumsy, every time he moved he splashed or broke something. She flinched hearing a sudden noise and straightened up, looking over the counter. She started to giggle wildly seeing a cup in pieces on the floor and Owen's mortified look.

"Crap… how" he was holding a pot in his hand, a towel on his shoulder to protect himself from oil splatters.

"I guess you turned around and hit it with your giant elbow"

She dropped down the stool and rounded the kitchen to take scoop and broom raising Owen's complains.

"I can do that"

"I know… but I can too. And it's not like I was doing anything else so…"

She collected the broken slivers, the room got silent but Owen smiled. This was a perfect, ordinary morning. Him doing breakfast and seeding disasters all around, Cristina picking up the pieced and teasing him. Really domestic. And he loved it. The problem was that she hated it on the contrary. She hated staying home, she hated to enjoy an afternoon on the couch doing nothing, she hated to do house works. Cristina was a hospital animal, she found her essence in those walls, she was another person. And this brought him to pop the same, overrated question which was ringing in his ears from weeks now. Had he the right to pretend something else from her? Had he really the courage to run her into someone different? Against her own will? He sighed, no, he hadn't this strength and boldness. He loved her too much. And this brought to another question he had worked on lately. Was he ready to give up his idea of a numerous family for her? He would say no before but now… now he had learnt a lot from twisted sisters. He knew pushing was the best way to make them running, he had to wait, follow Cristina's pace like Derek had done with Meredith. She had grown woman with him and he had been able to wait. Cristina had waited for him after and during his PSTD. Owen loved her. The problem was so easy to solve… he just needed to take the plunge and talk.

"What time are you supposed to go?"

She was still busy in cleaning up the floor.

"My shift starts at 09.00, but I want to go first"

"Why?"

"We're up for the Chief Resident and… other stuff"

"Such as?"

Owen chuckled to Cristina's cryptic mode, she was keeping things from him like he could threaten her strategies, take something from her.

"There are good things coming and… I want to be at the right place in the right moment"

He arched his brows.

"And what would this mean?"

"It means nothing, Owen. Just resident stuff. Working my ass off for some surgery and good chances. Nothing you attendings seem to remember any way"

"I do, instead"

"Oh, really?" she chuckled "like you treat us, I wouldn't say you remember it. We drool for attention and approval and you just don't give a crap"

"That's not true"

"It is"

"No" his lips let escape a little, nervous laughter. Cristina stopped cleaning and looked at him.

"What was the last time you let Reed make a cut by herself?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh, you got that. When was it?"

He opened his arms in disbelief, shaking his head.

"I don't… it was… I don't know it"

"It was last Tuesday. And we're not friends. But I know it. As she told me"

"She complained with you about me?"

"Nope. We were eating and we compared our days. None of us held a scalpel in a week. Happy residency to anyone"

She resumed her working.

"Residency is learning, the good and hard way. If none of you held a scalpel in days, it means none of you was ready to do it"

Cristina laughed, ironic and icy.

"Really? Good to know. We're a bunch of idiots"

"You're not. But you're sloppy and arrogant. You don't focus on what you do as you think you already master it but it's not like this. You need to be able to make stitches before doing a harvest. But stitches are no fun. And Reed let a wound infect last week. Next time she complains about her schedule, make me a pleasure and remind her that"

He spat the last words and Cristina got he was upset.

"Ok. And what about me?"

"I guess you know the answer. Teddy is still waiting for you"

"Oh right… And Meredith? What did she do for Sheperd to cut her off the trial?"

"It doesn't take a genius to get that. Didn't you last night?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Just this. You're sloppy and arrogant. And you don't see things, even the most simple"

Cristina's alarm clock sounded and Owen took the broom from her hands.

"Just go. You're going to be late for your stuff"

* * *

Alex entered the residents lounge and frowned seeing Avery and Reed already in.

"Hey"

"Hey"

He opened his locker and started undressing, picking out a new change of clothes, scrub pants and shirt.

"I didn't see your names on the board yesterday… Do you have a surgery?"

"No"

"Me either"

Alex turned around, his brows lifting seeing Reed filing her nails and Avery texting with his phone.

"So why are you here?"

They both looked up staring at him like he was a fool.

"Do you need a draw or I can speak English to you?"

Avery burst out laughing and Alex snorted.

"Sorry if I thought you were less screwed than this"

"We're not screwed…"

"You so are. Webber will pick an active and hard-working resident. And, guess what, I'm active and totally addicted to Sheperd's trial. I don't do nails, I don't ask mommy's advice. Bite the next Chief Resident's… Webber's trial's right hand arm ass"

"You're so fooling yourself if you think you have it in your pants"

"I don't think that. But staying here passing your time won't improve your status. If you have to stay here like this, just stay home. You won't waste a good hour sleep at least"

"We'll see which strategy wins…"

Reed went back to her nails and Cristina entered the door.

"Morning"

Alex eyed her suspiciously too and Reed arched her brow.

"You see? Everyone is going to sleep here in days. As it's what Webber wants. Just waste your time pleasing Sheperd and everyone else. We'll be alert like hawks"

"Be glad with what"

He slammed his locker closed and settled a stethoscope around his neck.

"I go to welcome my patient... actually today's second patient. And it's just 8 a.m. Just stay here to sulk and suck"

He walked out of the room, Cristina was sitting silently on the bench.

"What an ass…"

Jackson was back texting, his eyes focused on the screen, he leant on a closet.

"He just feels so sure of himself… Bad wake up, dr. Karev"

Reed giggled and then silence filled the room. After a moment they all looked to Cristina, they were waiting for her sneaky remark or spat towards Alex but it never came. She looked up from her now stringed shoes and frowned at them.

"What?"

"Nothing… I was expecting you'd grace him with a harsh comment or something"

"Why would I?"

"He's peeing all around to mark a territory which is not his"

"It's not yours or mine either so… what should I waste my energies to fight him? I'll prove my skills on the field, you should do the same too"

"From when did you become so wise?"

"I have always been. And it's not like bitching around is making me running faster so… I just don't care of Karev's expectations"

"Uhm uhm…" Jackson eyed her suspiciously, his lips stretching in a grin "unless you don't know something Hunt told you"

Cristina's eyes moved lazily to meet his, her stare full of disbelief and rage.

"If you want to imply I know something to justify your upcoming defeat ad feel better about it… just do it. Other way drop it. I thought we were over this"

Avery swallowed, realizing he had maybe said something inopportune.

"It was meant to be a joke, I'm sorry"

Cristina nodded and adjusted her labcoat on her shoulders.

"See you later. Have good job" she walked down to the CT where Chief Webber himself had just paged her.

* * *

Meredith pushed the button of the elevator forcefully. She snorted seeing the lights signaling the lift coming down from the higher floors. She adjusted her purse on her shoulder.

Her days had begun in the worse way.

Since she woke up and rolled in the sheet just to realize Derek wasn't sleeping besides her anymore. She had set the alarm half an hour before the necessary to say hi and wish him good luck. Apparently it was too late anyhow and he had left without leaving her a note or anything.

She rolled her eyes when the lift took more time than expected.

She pressed the button anyway, several times quickly and a voice sounded behind her back.

"You're sending the stuff out of order if you keep abusing it"

She turned around and saw Bailey approaching, Tuck in her arms.

"It's taking an hour to make three dam…" she stopped acknowledging the kid's presence "floors. And I haven't the whole day to waste here"

"What have you so urgent to do? I guess I saw your name in the pit"

"I am in the pit indeed. But since I'm working here for a month again, I don' want to be late. And I'm going to be, pit or not. Besides... it's not like you have to treat me all with compliance"

"I wasn't. I was just trying to be nice since we're not on yet"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be"

The elevator dinged and they both stepped in.

"I know how it's like… being pregnant and on work. Everybody looks at you like you're a different species. But you're not"

"That's for sure. But what annoys me is that they talk of me like I wasn't here anymore. Everybody is freaking out for the Chief resident's name. They place bets… and my name never comes in the mix. Is it so impossible that the Chief picks me?" Meredith looked at Bailey searching for a sincere answer, she was about to speak "and please, don't sugarcoat things for me. I can take it"

"Has I ever given you the impression I played gentle to you?"

"No, that's why I ask"

"And that's the answer you're looking for. The Chief would pick you for Chief Resident, even if you're pregnant" Meredith's lips curled up in a smile "but he won't"

"Excuse me? You've just said…"

"I knew what I said. And I repeat it. He would pick you even if you're pregnant but he won't. As Chief resident is not something he values so much. You do, but he doesn't. Evidence is that he didn't pick me when it was my turn in the game"

"So you're cheapening it?"

"No, Grey. But Chief Resident is good to bureaucrats. And you're a great doctor. You want to spend time in the OR, not to arrange others' schedules in the OR. That's why I think Webber will never choose your name. And some other too"

"So what's your idea?"

"I keep it for me"

The doors opened and they saw Avery and Reed trotting down the hallway. Meredith frowned.

"But as you can see, horses are already in the wild"

"I think they're sleeping here"

"They are, I can tell you that. And Karev is sleeping in a car in the parking lot"

"What?"

"I saw him coming out of it this morning"

"Now I get why his bed is always made and the room net"

"It's kind of pathetic. They are just adding gross to odd"

They got in front of the men's toilet and saw Reed, Avery, Karev and Cristina leaning at the nurses station.

"Hey"

No one answered her and she got closer.

"What are you doing here?"

"The Chief's in there"

Cristina pointed to the toilet and Meredith frowned at her.

"And?"

"Nothing… we're waiting here"

"You're all morons"

Bailey's voice sounded behind their back and they all turned to face her.

"The only reason the Chief would be happy to see you all here is that he finished the toilet paper in there. If you want to have a chance to be appointed to Chief resident or to be chosen for else, practice medicine. And stop stalking him"

She walked away and the door opened in that moment. Webber stopped to see them all here. He frowned.

"Morning"

"Morning chief"

They all talked in one voice and he nodded, walking down the hallway he stopped feeling their presence behind him. He turned on his heels and they all stopped, pretending to do other.

"Can I do something to help you?"

They all looked to each other and Reed cleared her throat.

"We were wondering when…" Webber closed his arms in front of his chest, his stare darkening "you know… you mean to…" her voice trailed off and she cleared her throat again.

"When there's something I want to tell you, I will. Now just go away and do your job. I don't need a train. Yang… I thought I had paged you ten minutes ago"

"I was on my way, sir"

He walked away muttering something between himself.

"If you never had a chance to get it, it's gone now"

Alex smirked to Reed and walked away with Cristina. Meredith opened her arms in disbelief.

"Cristina…"

"See you later, Mer. I'm the Chief's girl now"

* * *

Teddy arrived to the CT room, she stopped seeing a nurse helping Henry off the gurney and on the machine. She had seen him the previous day… yet he looked so fragile and week. His color was gone… no wonder… he had fainted on the road but… she was feeling uncomfortable and worried.

To raise this feeling, her stupid intern had decided to page the Chief who, her good luck, was the general surgeon available this morning.

So now she was sure she would get a preach and, after the hellish night she had just spent, she hoped she wouldn't snap at him.

She heard passes getting closer and her remaining patience went through the window seeing no one else than Cristina Yang walking behind Webber. Her arms closed around her chest and her brow arched quizzically. Cristina hid better she could behind the Chief's back who, apparently, was unaware of the little situation going on in her department. If her brilliant resident thought to come out of the corner using this… she was just fooling herself.

"How is it going?"

"His E.K.G. and cardiac enzymes were normal all night long, so a heart attack seems unlikely. We're doing a C.T. angio to rule out dissection or aneurysm"

The Chief was checking the chart himself, his glasses on the top of his nose. Teddy rolled her eyes, apparently there was more than one person doubting her skills in here. The folder closed in a thud and Altman looked to his boss. He was going to speak but it was clear he was choosing his words carefully, his eyes were a mixture of discomfort and concern.

"Dr. Altman, you okay to stay on the case, considering your personal relationship?"

Teddy sighed and cleared her throat trying to sound more firm than she was.

"Richard, we've been over this. It's a business arrangement. Nothing more"

He sighed too nodding and a hiss in the interphone announced them Henry was almost ready for the exam. Teddy walked to the CT room, avoiding for the moment to face Cristina's presence down there. Her face softened when she reached her in-law husband. He was struggling to keep a sitting position on the little bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Great… Great… Really great"

"Painkillers finally kicked in, huh?"

She helped him lying down, giving him an encouraging smile.

"Well, enjoy the ride"

She was going to push the button and let him in the CT but he touched her arm and their eyes locked. His voice was a bit slurred, sign the medicines were really starting to affect his brain and calm his pain receptors.

"I've been thinking lately, and I think... I, uh, I think I figured it out. And... why all of your dates go so bad"

Teddy's brows quirked in shame and curiosity, she didn't get what he was talking about. A grunt was everything her mouth produced and Henry went on, his fingers still brushing her hand.

"So, so bad. Laughably bad. And it's not your fault. It's mine, 'cause I'm... I'm not the guy on them with you"

Teddy could feel her face blush and she was painfully aware that the Chief and Cristina were probably listening to this embarrassing and completely inappropriate conversation. She tried to cut him off.

"We're ready to start"

She tried to walk away but her labcoat was held prisoner by his strong grasp.

"Teddy, wait, wait. You're my wife. You're my wife"

She felt completely lost hearing these words. As she had thought the same too but… she didn't expect him to take this all out now, right now, right there. With her boss listening and probably already regretting his permission for her to be on the case, Cristina Yang laughing her ass off.

"Henry…"

"I'm your husband. Let's do it. Let's be together. I mean, look at you. Look at your eyes. Look at... you're not

looking at your eyes. I could look into your eyes my whole life"

Someone clearing his throat in the microphone was what she finally needed to push the button and send him into the machine. She walked into the control room, her face still red in shame and excitement, her eyes taking in Cristina's hiding hers in both hands, and, above all, Webber's cold and pissed look. She hoped he would pretend not to have overheard, apparently she didn't know the man.

"Business arrangement?"

"He's hopped up on painkillers. Which just means his inhibitions are down"

Webber's jaw just tightened and Teddy felt her patience leaving. She got the Chief was pissed for this story, she had acted by instinct and probably unprofessionally. But this had nothing to do with her job, with her reliability. He couldn't like the reasons she had decided to do what she had done. But it was done and he needed to let it go.

"Oh, come on, Richard… even if he meant what he said, I... I don't feel that way. I... I don't"

Before they could start a conversation on their mutual feelings, Cristina's ironic voice called them back to their duties.

"And scans are up"

Teddy focused on the screen and her eyes narrowed in shock. What had Henry done to deserve such a bad luck?

"Damn it. He's got a mass. It's close to his heart. I'm gonna have to take it out right away"

"You?"

She didn't expect this objection, she looked up to the Chief, his face hadn't relaxed a bit since their last spat.

"I'm not sure I should allow you in that O.R. … allow you to operate on him"

"Chief, with all due respect... I can do it"

"It's an extremely delicate surgery"

Silence stretched between them. If Teddy didn't like it, she liked even less what came next from Cristina's mouth.

"I soloed on a similar surgery last month. I nailed it... is what you said"

She interlocked her fingers behind her neck, a small grin creeping on her face. Teddy was starting to feel really mad. Yang was using this occasion to escape the golden cage she had built herself, and the Chief was helping her as, of course, he didn't know anything.

"Problem solved. Yang will do the surgery. You'll supervise"

"Chief..."

"I've made my decision, Dr. Altman. Now if you'll excuse me…"

He walked away and Teddy's eyes constricted in slow slits. If Cristina thought to get off troubles like this, apparently she didn't know her too good. She was giddy, gloating for her own smartness.

"He was gonna kick you out of the O.R. At least this way, you get to stay in. It's win-win"

Altman rolled her eyes and walked down the hallway. He reached the Chief when the elevator was going to close. She stopped the door and the Chief looked at her, more pissed than ever.

"Dr. Altman…"

"No, Chief, you're going to listen to me right now as I'm the cardio attending and this is my department"

"Your department happens to follow the general rule of this hospital… my hospital. And family is not admitted in the O.R. I made an exception for you as you claim it was just a business arrangement and I want to trust you. But still… you're not operation on him"

"And I didn't come to bitch on this actually…"

"Excuse me?"

"Dr. Yang is on probation right now"

"Probation?"

"Yes, probation. As she constantly fights my decisions and argues with my medical opinions which, she likes it or not, turn out to be right. So if you say I won't operate on Henry I'm fine with it, but she's my resident, she's on probation and, until she doesn't figure out how to come out of it, I won't let her near any of my patient"

Cristina appeared out of the wall, Webber sent her a furtive, severe look before addressing Altman again.

"I didn't mean to interfere in your department, dr. Altman. I wasn't informed about this situation"

"I was sure you weren't"

"But that patient needs good hands for surgery. I hope dr. Yang will find what she needs to come out of this… probation. Otherwise, let me know if I have to find someone. I guess you'll schedule the OR for this afternoon. You have some hour to sort things out" He gestured her to leave the doors and she made a step back "if you excuse me now…"

She nodded and the elevator closed, she sighed and turned around ignoring a bewildered Cristina standing near the wall.

* * *

Derek was standing in front of the OR board, waiting for Karev.

They had their first surgery in the early morning, the first Alzheimer's trial patient. A chill ran down his spine thinking back at it.

Everything was exciting. The unknown, the surprise, the unpredictable.

Trials snapped you out of your routine: surgery, the OR, procedures… awards. It was like putting yourself on the line again.

Derek loved this. It brought him back to reality, it made him feel he had done much, of course, but he could do even more. Much more. Infinite more.

Possibilities and chances were borderless.

He just needed the courage to plunge, leave the cocoon of his home and experience new roads.

As this was the reason of medicine, this is how great illness were cured.

He didn't fool himself thinking he could win this disease, it would take years, decades to do it. But the premises of his study looked good, he could put down basis, try to find ways to slow it, give others the means to go on and finally achieve. This adventure, started today, could go on forever.

Forever of his career and life as a doctor.

This was what made him shiver.

For emotion of course. But also regret. As that morning, in that OR, when he raised his eyes and met Karev's, his heart sank. He was supposed to meet green, to meet the love of his life, his muse. It was a once in the life moment, and he couldn't share it with Meredith. It hurt.

Surgery had gone smoothly, he had made a drill in the patient's skull, made some conversation with him while he injected the placebo. The wheel of fortune had denied John Driscoll the chance to get the active drug, he had been delegated to get the saline. Alex hadn't been able to control a sigh reading the envelope content. He had to be sure lately he would check his emotions better. Silence was vital in this trial.

He felt a static running up his arms and knew he wasn't alone anymore. He looked up and his eyes met Meredith's. He smiled to her, his eyes back to his journal again.

"Hey"

"Hey…" her arms were closed in front of her chest, typical sign Meredith was on defensive mode "You didn't say goodbye this morning"

A sigh matched her words and he looked up, she was almost pouting and he felt a wave of tenderness bubbling in his heart. He smiled again, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. He wanted to do more, hug her tightly and kiss her, but they were right in front of the board and the hallway was crowded. Since she got pregnant, Meredith had developed a new sensibility when it came to kisses and cuddles in public. She wanted to keep the line, being serious and he respected that. Only sometimes it was impossible not to touch her, especially when she was making this face to him.

"I had a surgery" his fingers brushed her face once again and he felt her relax in his touch "I didn't want to wake you"

She smiled back but then her lips painted in a mischievous grin.

"No, you were starting your clinical trial… and you feel guilty that I'm not on it, so you snuck out"

He sighed innerly as she had caught him, she had got his intensions and his embarrassment. Yet, she was smiling so, he tried to keep his head up, he chose the light line.

"You're right… but I don't feel guilty and I didn't sneak out"

He went back to his journal and Meredith's brows arched in surprise when Alex approached the both of them. He grinned to her before addressing Derek.

"Uh, patient number two, Daniel Cobb" , Meredith's face fell in understanding, she hissed and Derek looked up to her "admitted and in his room. His wife has some questions for you"

"I can't believe..." her voice was high pitched but Alex didn't feel awkward, on the contrary, he appeared to have the time of his life. He straightened up puffing out like a peacock and Derek was on the verge of laughing. He decided it would be better for his well being and not to be called names in the mid of the hospital to keep being serious.

"Uhm"

"He picked you for this thing instead of me?" Her mouth was open in shock, her hands resting on her hips. She was beautiful. And royally pissed. Derek took a quick glance at her. He was happy the question wasn't for him… for now.

"Well, Dr. Shepherd didn't want to leave anything to chance"

Derek's eyes rolled in his orbs. Karev really wanted to be spanked. Only his torture would be quick… his on the contrary… he really didn't want to sleep on the couch for the next weeks. Meredith's reaction confirmed his fears. She really didn't like Alex's gloating.

"Now you can both go to hell"

Sheperd thought it was time to stop the babies' quarrel and put an end to it before it slipped out of control. He had already saved Karev from Meredith's ineffectual fists once… and he wasn't sure he would do the same. He looked up producing his best smile ever.

"Meredith, it's open to all the residents. Karev is just doing a better job of pitching me"

He brushed her cheek once again and then walked away. Her eyes were shining in anger and he was sure he wouldn't have the last word on this. To his… their misfortune… Alex gave her a sneaky grin before going away. Meredith hissed again and Derek sent her a kiss. She lost it when he was almost at the end of the hallway. Her voice grew louder and everybody turned around to look at her.

"It 's open to all the residents except for one! Ugh!"

She rolled on her heels and stormed away, her nostrils flaring. Damn it… she needed… she fucking needed to cut into someone this morning. But karma hated her and she had to spend the whole, long, painful day in the pit making sutures. She just hoped no lame ass would come with some broken leg or arm to fix… otherwise… she wasn't sure how it would end.

Derek had left the storm behind his back, momentarily at least. He had heard Meredith's scream and sighed, forcing himself not to answer back. Not to her and not to Alex cheeky laugh. It wasn't his place to defense her, it wasn't his place to come between residents' fights and mockeries. He would set Meredith off... More than she was already. And he would make it an official problem. Which was not. He was sorry for a hundred reasons by now. He had kept her out of the trial for selfish reasons, he had given her friends hints to take fun of her... Seriously... Not a lot of things to be proud of. But now he had to focus on his patient, the new one, he could be the first to get the drug and he had questions so... Guilt could wait. He had only something to point out before.

"Karev..."

Alex rolled his eyes and turned on his heels. He met Sheperd's dark blue eyes. Dark blue was pissed, clear blue was happy. He sighed and prepared for the charade. Unexpected, though. Sheperd was a man of humor, he never took part in their stupid spats. Alex knew his words had turned Meredith off. And she was pregnant. He had overdone this time. And her husband was taking him down now.

"Sir..."

"Before we go in there I have a last recommendation to do"

Alex relaxed. Maybe he had misjudged this time.

"I clearly saw you sighing before in the OR... when you read the delegation"

"I... Did I?"

"Yeah... I know it would be better to push drug to everyone but it's not possible. And we are the only one to know what the patient gets finally. So I would really appreciate if you tried to control every part of you while you work on this... A little mistake... The FDA is going to stop us"

"Ok... I'm sorry..."

Derek smiled to him and patted his back. He put pressure on his shoulder and they started to walk together towards the patient's room.

"Oh... And if you don't want me to sleep with you tonight... Stop starting Meredith off..."

Alex stopped in the hallway, staring at Sheperd's back, his mouth open. Derek realized he wasn't at his side anymore and turned around, a grin appearing on his face.

"I see we have the same feeling about that so... I guess I can count on your brain from now on... Move"

Alex breathed out, half amused, half horrified. Meredith was humoral enough to send Derek in the doghouse for the trial's thing. He had turned the knife in the wound to have fun but, hearing Sheperd's threat, his enthusiasm had died right there. As Derek the roommate, the guy who wandered in the corridor just in his boxers in the middle of the night, who wasn't ashamed to get them hear their moans and screams and... everything... was really going to sleep in his bed if things turned out bad. And this wasn't an experience he wanted Sloan to tell around.

He breathed out again and they both entered the patient's room, a black man in his late 50 whose hand was held by a woman, his wife.

Sheperd sent them both a radiant smile, the two people relaxed visibly and Alex felt like shit.

How did he get to do that just showing his teeth?

"You having a good day, Daniel?"

"Yes, I am, Dr. Shepherd. You give me that new wonder drug of yours, I'll be even better"

Derek chuckled but his heart clenched. He was prepared to the pressure the patients and their relatives would push to have the drug. They all signed the rules of the trial, their acknowledgment, their acceptance... But one thing was having a new hope of fighting the disease, another was having nothing to show for. Everybody hoped to be the one out of four... But they weren't all and... It was tough. For him too. He had to make sure Karev got this message too. He prepared a smart answer to Daniel, he liked him... Really. And he knew his situation was really further, one of the worst case he had met in the interviews.

"Well, if it came down to how much I like the patient, you'd be a shoo-in"

Daniel laughed too, waving his hand to acknowledge the doctor's flattery. The light moment broke when his wife talked, her face looked more tensed and hollow and Derek got serious. He treated patients in his trial, but also their relatives, people who everyday faced the hell of a loved one not recognizing them, screaming, kicking, sometimes even beating. Alzheimer was like a hurricane, it destroyed one person but took also others along the way. This woman was a living evidence of this.

"Now if Daniel gets the drug, how soon will he stop slipping in and out of things?"

Derek swallowed before answering, the unbelievable thing about trials was that everybody gave for granted they worked. He wasn't so confident instead.

"Well, at this stage, we don't know any more than you do, Mrs. Cobb. That's why we're gonna do a 2-year follow-up"

"And the idea that his condition could be reversed altogether, is that completely out of the question? Because I just read that when the drug was used on rats and monkeys... There was some reversal in tissue damage"

This woman was four-five years ahead in his study. As this was the time to appreciate such a result. The worst part of magazines which talked about science was that they rarely made a clear point of the time necessary to build bibliography, medical history, tests in a quantity enough to start to suppose the treatment was succeeding and it was not just a coincidence, a lucky case, a freak of nature. He had decided to devote his whole professional life to this and Mrs. Cobb expected his husband to improve from the following day. He sighed and Alex read his unease.

"That's rats and monkeys. It could be different for humans"

Karev's sentence sounded a rock and Derek tried to seed more optimism.

"Well, I don't want to rule out a reversal altogether. But right now, we're trying to stop the progression"

This was the truth, no sugarcoat, no bad thoughts. The woman held her husband's hand tighter.

"All right, Dr. Karev is gonna take you down for an M.R.I. later, so if you have any more questions today, page him"

He could tell Karev hated him right now from the look he was producing, but he didn't care.

"I'm feeling better already, Dr. Shepherd… here we go"

He chuckled and Derek did too stepping out of the room and answering his good wish with the same words.

"Here we go"

But when he turned around he noticed Alex's hollow demeanor. Derek cleared his throat.

"A clinical trial is a little different than a regular surgery. You can paint a rosier picture"

"Yeah, I... I didn't want to give them false hope"

"You didn't give them any hope"

Karev looked crushed. One patient and a half and his tail was already between his legs.

"Look, if Mrs. Cobb thinks this is gonna give her husband a better chance, she'll be a better caregiver, and in the end, he has a better chance of success, okay?"

"Yes, sir"

"Good"

* * *

Owen saw Cristina entering a supply closet and followed her. He opened the door and she was busy rummaging on a shelf. She gave him a quick look and went back searching.

"Are you still here to find new science refunds?"

Owen closed the door and approached her, he took her chin in his fingers and kissed her passionately. His arms immediately snaked around her shoulders and he grunted feeling Cristina answering his kiss, their lips and tongues played in a sensual dance till he broke the contact, both of them panting.

"Wow"

Cristina adjusted her hair, loosened from the ponytail she had managed to fix.

"What do I owe this?"

"Do I have to hold a special reason to kiss you now?"

"It depends..."

She went back to her shelf and Owen looked stunned at her.

"To what?"

"If this was an apologetic kiss or not..."

"No" his voice was firm and resolute and Cristina looked at him, Owen continued. "I have no reason to apologize"

She took a box from the shelf and made some step towards the exit.

"Ok..."

Owen gripped her hand and she turned on her heels.

"Don't walk away again"

"I have to work"

"I didn't come here for this"

"What for then?" she opened her arms in disbelief, snorting.

"Why can't we just talk for once?"

"I thought we were doing it..."

"Do you call this talking?" he chuckled and Cristina swallowed "this is spitting and fighting. I guess it's a step ahead from having crazy sex but it's not yet talking. Cristina... I didn't mean to argue with you, not now, not this morning... I was trying to start a civil and polite conversation. Can we do it?"

"Of course we can... But here? Seriously?"

"I've tried for days now... It's never the moment"

"I guess it's quite a complicated speech... I'd rather to face the topic with comfort and enough time, not here in this rat box"

"I can agree with you for the location but... Not for the difficulty"

Cristina's eyes searched his eyes and she shivered. She thought he would give her a preach on children and motherhood. Apparently she had been crystal clear, so clear he had decided to dump her in a closet. After a last, consuming kiss. She tried to fight the lump in her throat but she couldn't. She had to talk before, she had to express her feelings before. Now it was too late. It was over. He was gone, she had lost him, the thought killed her inside. Her lower lips quivered and she looked down to her box.

Their lips moved in the same moment, their words mixed halfway in the air.

"I love you even if you don't want kids"

"I think I could be ready to have a child someday"

Their faces shone in surprise at the same time.

The next word came out of their mouths simultaneously.

"You what?"

Cristina's head shook in disbelief and Owen's lips twitched in a smile.

"I love you... And all I wanted to tell you is that it's fine... If you don't want kids. I could live with that. It would be... a pain. But I would survive. As what I feel for you is important and I can't forget it, I can't ignore it" he swallowed and closed the distance between the two of them, stroking her cheek tenderly "I had to think and make a clear... true exam to come out with this but... I did. And I tell you that I love you. And I want to be with you"

A tear rolled down Cristina's eyes. She was speechless and over whelmed. She had never experienced such a confession. And what more, she had never felt so loved as now. Because Owen didn't want to change her, didn't want to turn her into a different person. Unless it wasn't her wish to. She looked into his eyes... And she felt it was it, she had found home. She was scared to admit it, even ashamed, but she had done herself an exam lately. She had always been afraid to open her heart and surrender to a man as she feared the consequences, she feared it wouldn't be enough. Like it hadn't been with Burke. She had been scared the pole would raise, today a child, tomorrow up, then up again. Until she would discover she wasn't herself anymore. And her life would be wasted. As the person who pushed her to do this to herself would be gone. But Owen was another kind of man, was another kind of lover. He valued her needs and feelings, he was able to shape his own around her. And this had given her the confidence and humility to change her priorities, not now maybe, but in the future. She thought she would be scared to say it aloud. She was wrong. She wanted to.

"I love you too... I would be a liar if I told you I want a kid now or I'm excited about it... I'm scared at the mere though. But I'll do it. As I love you. And I see myself outside the hospital with you. I'm sorry if I freaked out about it... I know it sounds stupid to you but... It was the first time I pictured myself as a woman and not as a surgeon... And I was scared. That's why I jumped to your throat..."

"You don't need to apologize about it. It's normal to be scared of changes... Don't you think I'm too?"

"You survived a war, Owen. Is there anything scarier than this?"

His thumb caressed her face and he felt mesmerized by the woman in front of him. She had helped him so much during his first months home and she didn't even realize. Most women would have ran away top speed for his behavior. She hadn't.

"Yes... Many things, Cristina... The fear to hurt you... that was much scarier"

He kissed her lips softly. When their eyes met he couldn't control a little chuckle.

"What?"

"We are two... really complicated people. We have probably poisoned our last days... Feared the outcome of this speech... Pushed it far and far away... And now it comes out like this"

"I was really thinking you were going to break up with me..."

Owen took a deep breath and looked at her, he had never felt Cristina so vulnerable like now.

"Did you..." he swallowed as he feared the question he was popping. But she got it, her fingers laced his.

"No... I didn't say those things out of fear... I mean it"

He hugged her and rocked her. His pager broke the moment, he looked down to check it.

"It's the Chief..."

Cristina picked up her box and opened the door.

"After you, dr. Hunt..."

He walked out and took a quick glance at her grinning face.

"Your face means troubles"

"Nope... I'm ready to kick asses now... Dr. Yang is ready to rock again"

"Don't I know it..."

Their paths split, each one with a huge smile plastered on the face.

* * *

Bailey entered Webber's office, snorting seeing him overcrowded with papers she assumed connected to the Diabetes' trial. She sat in front of him waiting for a nod, a sign of acknowledgment, anything. She cleared her throat and leant on the backrest.

"I can come later if I disturb you"

"You don't"

"So now you got this new habit... Receiving people without giving any sign of kindness or welcome..."

Richard chuckled, he finally looked up, taking off his glasses.

"You're right... I'm sorry. It was very rude from me... So? I'm all yours"

"How is the Chief Resident contest going?"

Webber's smiles fell, shame painted on his face.

"As I thought. They expect you to choose a name in three weeks and you haven't even considered it yet"

"I wouldn't be over dramatic, Bailey. I've got all the time"

He went back reading his files and Miranda cleared her throat again. Richard stared at her waiting.

"What?"

"Maybe you didn't realize the residents' excitement this morning..."

"Why? What happened?"

Bailey rolled her eyes.

"Besides they wanted to make sure you came out alive from the toilet? Nothing..." she emphasized her last word and Richard got serious. "Seriously? Most of them live here, in the locker rooms or in the cars. They are smelly and shabby. They want to impress you but they're just making this hospital look ridiculous. They're neglecting their duties"

"And how is this on me?"

"You don't even realize it" Richard breathed out, his jaw tightening. "Look, Chief, I get you are head over heels for this project and I get that... As your coworker and fellow surgeon I get that. But you have still other things to do. Why don't you delegate them if you don't feel for it?"

"Delegate?"

"Ask one of the attendings to pick the name for you. We need that assignment quickly and you haven't even started the protocol yet..."

"Fine... Will you do it?"

Bailey smiled and Richard smiled back.

"No. I raised those kids. I'm not gonna choose among them"

Richard's face fell.

"Who then?"

Miranda rolled her eyes standing up. She was about to speak when someone knocked.

"Come in"

Hunt opened the door, he smiled to them both.

"Did you page, Chief?"

"Yes. And dr. Bailey was on her way out"

"I was, for sure. And guess what... If the Mohammed doesn't go to the mountain, the mountain goes to him..."

She grinned ironically and left, slamming the door behind her back. Owen rubbed his chin frowning and Webber snorted.

"Sit please..."

"Sure, sir"

He sat and Richard took a folder from his desk. He set it in front of Owen. Hunt looked at him quickly and then to Webber.

"What's this?"

"Mohammed giving the power to the mountain"

"Excuse me?"

"It's the protocol to choose the name of the upcoming Chief Resident"

Owen arched his brows.

"And?"

"I don't have time to do it myself. So I decided, before Bailey's suggestion and just so you do know I'm not blind, to delegate it to you"

"Me sir?"

"Do you see other people here?"

"No"

"Good... You've got three weeks from today. Have fun"

He lowered his eyes on his desk wearing his glasses and Owen picked the folder up silently, he silently left the room.

* * *

Meredith's day was really starting to get crappy.

She was visiting her tenth patient since morning. Not fancy, hardcore patients, but boring kids a aggressed by a swarm of bees. Not she could blame the bees by now... These children were really infuriating, they kept yelling at each other and fighting even if she had several times told them to shut the hell up. Only this seemed impossible and her temple was pulsating, this meant she was going to get mad in seconds and then, more important, she would have to live with a strong head ache all day long. More than this, the teacher which was leading these devils on school trip was a complete and useless moron. She was freaking out on her stings, two in total, and despairing as she had a romantic first date in the evening and she didn't know how to mask the imperfection. Meredith wanted to suggest her to leave her face free and stay silent all evening: her problem was not she had two pimples on her cheek, but that she was brainless. Only this wouldn't fit the protocol of the best doctor of the year, so she bit her tongue and tried to be as kind as possible. She took off her gloves after treating this little girl and gave her a reassuring smile.

"As for the others... Just keep the skin hydrated and take the pills I wrote on the general prescription"

"And if I get a fever or swelling in my throat I have to come back..."

"That's it. You're a good listener"

"It helps sometimes. If that stupid hadn't been so busy with her phone call, she would have listened to us and not trodden a hive. And we wouldn't be here"

"Mrs. Jenkins stomped an apiary?"

"That's what I said"

"You should tell your parents and make an official complain to your school. She was responsible of you all..."

"I know. But all I heard from her mouth was her lipstick color and the time of her date. She sucks"

"Really..."

"She has been drooling on that guy the whole day. She's what? 30? Jinxed"

Meredith arched her brow quizzically.

"What?"

"Nothing... You just implied she was... old..."

"Well she is... She should hurry up as she is going down the hill by now"

Meredith's eyes widened in shock. What did this stupid kid think? She was 31 herself and she didn't feel like she was going down the hill, on the contrary. She felt sexy... A sensual bomb.

"There will come a time you'll realize life doesn't end after you turn twenty"

The girl giggled and Meredith did too.

"I know... I used to do that myself but... You'll see. You're free to go"

The girl stood up and thanked her, Meredith saw her joining her friends. They started whispering between each other and she saw Nancy, her patient, pointing at her and then laughing. She ignored it, after all she had been a teen ager herself, she used to take fun of women and ladies. She sighed thinking one day that could be her daughter. How will she do not to rip her eyes off? She shorted. Derek... Derek would do the dirty job...

Her mind stopped... Derek... Dirty. He said he wanted a little girl but, apparently, he was underestimating the meaning of this sentence. One day Daddy's little girl would grow up, become a teen, start to have flirts, pet afro boys in the car... and do worse... much worse in the car. If her daughter did the half of the nasty they did... my God... they were surely going to die of heart attack. She reached the nurses station and invited Mrs. Jenkins to step closer. She obliged rubbing her face and Meredith started to feel uncomfortable again.

"Ok, all the kids were treated. I explained them everything but I think it's better you repeat my instructions to their parents. Here is my prescription if someone felt bad" she handled her a paper over the desk "and if I were you, I wouldn't rub your face like that"

The teacher's eyes grew wide in horror and she hurried to fish a mirror out of her purse.

"Why do you say that? What's wrong with my face?"

"Nothing. But stings are annoying as liquid forms under the skin. If you keep scratch it, it will feel worse. And look worse"

"Oh my God... It's already a mess like that... Can't you just give me something to make it go away?"

"I told you already. Ice and a lotion. It will go away in a couple of days"

The woman sighed dramatically and stuffed the mirror back in her bag.

"Right... So, if you just can't do anything else for me and them... Can we go?"

"Of course, I cleared you all. Goodbye"

Mrs. Jenkins walked away without even thanking her and Meredith hissed something she hoped her child wouldn't get to learn for a lot of time. She lowered her eyes on the paper she had to fill to complete this case.

"Dr. Grey..."

She raised her eyes and met a nurse. From the grin she was giving her, she got she had heard the name she had just uttered.

"Yes?"

"I have a new patient for you"

"I hope it's something good this time as I have enough of teens and teachers and their stupid dates"

"Sorry but...it's just a woman who fell during shopping"

Meredith took the new chart the nurse was handling her and walked away.

"I hope she broke something at least" she muttered under her breath. She opened the courtain forcefully and stopped, her mouth agape, in front of the patient in front of her.

"Mrs. Webber?"

She hadn't a broken leg, not at all. But a really ugly cut on her forehead gushing blood. She was tapping it with a tissue but Meredith could see it pouring out.

"What happened?"

"As I've already told the guy on my way in, a stupid thing. You don't need to worry about me. I just need a band aid"

Meredith put gloves on and reached for the gurney, she pushed away Adele's hand and grimaced seeing the deep cut.

"Unfortunately it looks like you'll need more than that. You'll need stitches"

"I don't want to bother you, darling. I guess you have so many patients to take care of"

"Actually nobody. And anyway, being the Chief's wife, you still would win the prize of most important"

"Lucky me..."

She rolled her eyes and Meredith smiled.

"I'll go to take something which I need, maybe page dr. Sloan for a consult. Just stay here and relax, I'll take care of you"

She closed the curtain and walked away, paging dr. Sloan and heading to the surgical floor to inform Webber of this new, unexpected visit. She pushed the door opened and looked around, apparently the Chief was barricaded in his office, she took that direction when she heard yells coming from a patient's room. She wouldn't have paid attention if Alex's voice hadn't enter the mix. She approached the door quietly and focused on the scene in front of her.

"No! I'm not doing this without my wife"

The man's face was frightened, his eyes wide with fear. Apparently he was confused and it didn't take much to Meredith to get he was an Alzheimer's sick patient. Alex was in trouble and even the woman with him, his wife, whom, anyway, he didn't remember.

Karev tried to reassure him.

"Sir... Mr. Cobb, your wife is right here"

He pointed to the woman near his bed and the man looked at her, he did. But his brain didn't want to accept the information. He shook his head and Meredith sighed seeing the expression radiating on the poor woman's face.

"That's not my wife"

"Mrs. Cobb. Look, it's your wife"

"That's not Victoria"

The neglected wife tried to approach him again.

"Daniel... Daniel, it's me. It's Allison"

Her face was close to his, her hand of his cheek and Alex hoped he would recognize her now. But after a moment of hesitation he shook his head again.

"You're not Victoria"

"It's Allison" a tear was rolling down her cheek.

"You're... you're not my wife. You're not Victoria"

"It's Allison" she repeated her name like this could reveal him the truth, the big picture, but Meredith knew better it wouldn't be enough. She had too many of these conversations with her mother and she knew it was pointless, utterly and completely pointless, trying to reach these people when they had sank in their dulled and fuzzy reality. A new plead startled her out of her memories.

"I want Victoria. I want my wife"

"It's Allison"

"Get away from me!"

He pushed her away roughly and Meredith got it was time to do something. She cleared her throat from the doorframe and talked to him, loud and slow like she had been taught years go.

"Sir, who is your wife?"

This clearly set him off as he shook his head, clearly in lack of words.

"I don't know. I don't know"

"Sir?"

"I told you. It's Victoria. I want Victoria"

"Is she here?"

Meredith was trying to understand if this woman, Victoria, was actually a real person or a product of his sick brain. Judging from his wife's face, she feared the first hypothesis.

"No"

"Do you know where she is?"

"I don't... I don't know. I don't... I don't know"

"Okay, okay. I..." she took a quick look to the woman standing next to Alex, she detected a quick nod on her face. Meredith gave the patient a quick smile "Well, I'm gonna go find Victoria for you, okay? I'm gonna find her and bring her to you" He shifted on the bed and Meredith knew she needed to be more persuading, Webber would be mad if they got a confused patient wandering through the hospital looking for someone who could be miles away.

"You sit tight. I'll find Victoria"

"Okay. Okay. Okay"

He leaned quietly to the pillow and Meredith gestured Alex to come out before he could start getting agitated again, Karev touched the man's wife and she went out too, wiping her eyes tiredly. This wasn't of course the first time this all happened.

"Who is Victoria?"

"The woman he loves"

She walked away without saying anything more, but Meredith got from her eyes she wasn't walking away, she was somehow bent to this reality, to this new life where she wasn't anything to her husband. She was going to find this woman as she perfectly knew where to find her, she sighed and looked back to Alex who looked tired and shaken. Before she could say a word of encouragement to him, she heard hurried footsteps behind her and turned around, seeing both Derek and the Chief coming closer.

"What happened?"

Derek was clearly worried, she could well say this as he had a little wrinkle on his forehead, and this was his worry trade mark. But this wasn't her case, she wasn't the one working with him o she ignored the question and looked down. Alex cleared his throat.

"Mr. Cobb had a blackout... He started to ask for a woman who appears to be... a close friend to his" he swallowed and Derek realized from the accurate choice of words Daniel probably had a double life running out in his head "his wife went to look for her". His boss's eyes settled on Meredith and he answered the silent question. "She was passing by and helped me out of it... Thank, Mer"

"Don't worry" she smiled to him and Derek too, he didn't tell her anything but she was sure she read a thanking in his eyes which twitched with a sparkle of... Pride? She broke the moment when she realized the Chief was there too, she needed to tell him why she was here.

"Chief, I need a word with you"

"Me too"

He frowned but walked away and Meredith felt a little bit disoriented when she noticed he was heading to his office.

"Chief..."

"My office is more private... What I need to tell you is important"

Meredith felt guilty as she felt a hint of enthusiasm in his rich voice. But she had to inform him.

"Ok but... not now"

Webber turned to face her.

"Your wife is downstairs, sir. In the pit..."

* * *

Cristina knocked to the attending lounge, she had just seen dr. Altman going in and she had decided to face her. There was no sense in procrastinating, she had to put this fight behind her back and go on. Today she hadn't touched a real case, she had been relegated to do charts the whole day, do routine checks, stupid exams. She had tried to round the hurdle but this had turned out to be a boomerang. Altman had got even madder and the Chief was probably thinking she was a fool. It was time to adjust things.

She wanted her life back and if this meant to do a stupid apology, she was going to swallow her tongue and do it.

The door opened suddenly and Teddy nearly bumped into her. Cristina jumped back, when her eyes met Altman's she could tell she was really upset.

"Dr. Yang..."

"Dr. Altman... I was looking for you"

Teddy sent her a quick glare and walked by, Cristina followed her.

"What for? Did you have problems with your charts?"

"No sir"

"Do you have problems now?"

"No, sir"

Teddy suddenly stopped and turned to face her, her arms closed in front of her chest. Her face was sharper than usual.

"What then?"

"I hoped I could have a word with you"

"You are. And you're wasting it. As you know, I have a case to work on"

"I hoped we could have it somewhere more private"

Teddy's eyes sparkled, Cristina could clearly see she was enjoying this.

"Ok, I was actually going to the bathroom, let's go"

Cristina's face painted with shock, she opened her arms in disbelief when Teddy entered the toilet. She had no choice than following her, she closed the door behind her back and made sure nobody else was in. Altman was checking her face in the mirror, she stroke her cheeks and then opened the faucet, splashing her tired face with cold water. She wiped it with a paper towel and her eyes met Cristina's in the mirror.

"So? I'm listening..."

"I wanted to apologize"

The sentence didn't produce its magic, when Altman turned to look at her, her face was as hard as before. Cristina squirmed against her own will, shifting uncomfortably her weight from one feet to another.

"Apologize? What for?"

"I didn't mean to be irreverent to you. I know I'm overconfident, I know I'm arrogant. But I never meant to be disrespectful of your skills... Of your authority"

Teddy breathed out shaking her head.

"Is this all?"

"Isn't this enough?"

"No"

She walked through Cristina, but the resident's voice stopped her when she had already her hand on the knob.

"Ok... What do you want from me?"

"Nothing. I'm very good as we are right now"

"But I'm not. I apologized and I meant it... I mean it. What do you want from me? That I change?"

"You can't change"

"What then? Are you going to handle this against me? As you knew how I were when you picked me"

"When I picked you I made pretty clear that there were the rules"

"And I didn't break them"

"You did instead. The very first one. I'm the attending, you're the resident. I teach, you learn. Not the other way around"

"I have never..."

Teddy's eyes closed in thin slits and Cristina stopped. She pondered what she had to say. Her future with Owen wasn't the only thing she had been thinking of. She had analyzed her behavior towards Teddy after things got complicated. She was sincere in this apology. And her recent confrontation with Owen had even taught her that being true was always the best way to face problems.

"I wasn't implying you were doing mistakes... I was just saying out loud what I would do. I know I did it in the wrong way... But it was what I felt"

"And what about the fact that what I did always turned out to be right? I didn't use your methods but I saved the patients. Does this say anything to you?"

"That I still have many things to learn... I'm aware of that... But keeping me doing charts won't help"

"I stuck you doing charts so you could have the time to think what could happen to you if you don't learn to control your instinct"

"What do you mean?"

"That you'll never be a good surgeon... You'll end up being slave of your impressions and doing horrible mistakes. It would take just one to jeopardize your career"

"My instinct is what I am"

"I know that. And I had never tried to change that before. But now it's slipping out of control. I have great plans for you, Cristina... great plans. But you need to learn to control your spirit. Do you know I have instincts too? Most time, in the end of the case, they turn out to be wrong. Intuition may be good in the OR if you have technique to support it, it becomes a burden if it overcomes instruments and exams"

Cristina looked down and Teddy's features softened.

"Sometimes I get the impression you're trying to shock me with genial diagnoses... Do you think I need that?"

"No"

"Then just do me this favor... Procedures and protocols are boring... But there's a reason why we have them. Medicine is made of steps, you do them all, more likely you'll succeed. You want to jump? You'll fall on your face. You don't need to show me you can jump right now. I need to be sure every time I leave you with a patient you'll do what I would do, you'll take the same time, you'll draw the same conclusions. This is not a contest, this is not about who is faster..."

"Ok"

"Good... Just drop your charts to some of your intern and join me in room 2334. I'll tell the Chief I found a reliable surgeon to operate on Henry. But Cristina… you break this deal… you'll write charts for a long… really long time"

"Ok, sir"

* * *

Derek's and Alex's await hadn't been long.

After Meredith had walked away, they had spent ten minutes exchanging medical information and details about the upcoming surgery.

They were still talking at the desk when Alex shut up, Sheperd looked at him and then realized his stare had scanned something else, behind his back. He looked in that direction himself and saw Daniel's wife getting closer with two people, a woman and a man in their 50', the man looked as crushed as Mrs. Cobb. And the reason got pretty clear as soon as the woman noticed Daniel in the room, her face shone in happiness and she lunched on his bed, hugging him. Victoria. She existed. She was real. And she was sick as well.

Derek's heart froze. He had promised he would love Meredith anyway, he had promised he would remember for the both of them. Would he ever be able to stand the sight of the love of his life kissing another man like it was him? Just the mere thought was like dying right there.

But he also knew that people found strength and courage in the more unpredictable way, he had done it himself when it had been time. He took a deep breath, keeping in his emotions as best as he could as Karev was openly and curiously looking at him. Sheperd nodded and they both approached the two, neglected groom and wife. They were staring through the glass at their own respective partners flirting and cuddling, Derek's heart ached for the both of them.

Mrs. Cobb acknowledged their presence with a nod.

"They met at the home last year. One day he asked me to wheel her towards him. And that was it. I watched him fall in love with her" She looked sympathetically to the man standing near her, a soft smile curled her lips "Well, Ben and I watched"

"You're Victoria's husband?"

Derek folded his arms across his chest, he shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

"Until she leaves me"

"Oh, she's not gonna leave you, Ben"

"We'll see"

And they saw... Daniel striking her cheek tenderly and her giggling. A perfect couple. But they were not. Her behavior was different though. Her movements were sharp and almost robotic, Derek wondered if she had Alzheimer's too, even if he suspected not. Mr. Ben seemed to reed though his mind.

"Victoria was diagnosed with vascular dementia. It's not Alzheimer's, but it might as well be. She's like Daniel. When she's lucid, she knows I'm her husband. When she's not..." he waved his hand to the glass, Derek had just the time to see her kissing Daniel. He lowered his eyes, it was like invading their privacies, all of them and all of theirs, he felt out of place, he looked back to the man when he resumed his speaking "I go from being her husband to, uh, somebody that gets to hear about Daniel all the time"

"Daniel can still be in the trial, can't he? This doesn't mean he can't do it?"

There was a hint of panic in Mrs. Cobb's voice, as this was her last chance and she was seeing it fading under her very eyes.

"No, he can still do it. The rule for the study is that we need his consent. Once we have it, it's okay if he's not always lucid"

She breathed out, visibly relieved. But another question froze him.

"You don't have any more openings, do you?"

"Unfortunately, the trial is only for Alzheimer's dementia"

"There's no chance?"

"I'm sorry"

The chances of Mrs. Cobb to have her husband back were slim, really slim. But the chances of Ben to have his wife back were... nonexistent. His life was going to be a downhill slope, and he was pretty young, Victoria was too. Dementia had a very low and nonstop development, she could go on for thirty years like this. Derek had read a study once... Relatives of people affected by dementia had a really high chance of committing suicide, killing their sick relative, getting sick themselves. And they surely were good, healthy people.

Brain had always amazed him, it was a mystery to understand, a friend to help healing. But, as no other part of the human body, it was frightening and horrifying, it could get a monster. What he was trying to do here was big, was enormous for his world, but for the world in general... There were so many enemies outside. And a few people were working to win or at least fight this battle.

* * *

"I was in the cereal aisle and I tripped on one of those big display... fruit spreads or... or some nonsense and the whole thing came down"

Meredith quirked her brow, this wasn't the story she had heard an hour ago. But the already worried Chief's look suggested her to let it go. For the moment. She turned around and asked treatments to a nurse.

"Lido and an epi, please. 5-0 prolene"

"Here, dr. Grey"

She handled her a needle and Meredith took it, she stopped when she heard the curtain opening and dr. Sloan appeared smiling.

"Sorry if I had you wait"

Adele rolled her eyes to Meredith and her husband.

"It's just a cut, Mark. You didn't have to show off. You can give me a couple of band-aids and be on your way"

He sat on a stool near the bed, putting gloves up and looking at her forehead.

"That's not how this is gonna go"

He touched the lips of the gush and she grimaced wincing, Chief Webber held her hand tightly.

"You... you tripped on the display or you tripped over your feet and fell into the thing or..."

He was concerned and worried, Meredith could say. And she even thought Richard had absolutely ignored her warn last time this had happened.

"The chronology escapes me, Richard. I was more focused on the fact that there was jam and... and shard glass all over my coat and my pants and the pants of the store manager, who would not leave me alone until he packed me away into an ambulance"

But this time was different. As even this speech was senseless.

"Oh! You know, this whole thing is just ridiculous! This is twice, honey. I mean, your wrist..."

"It's those shoes. Now they are supposed to tone your derriere, but I cannot feel the ground

when I walk on them. I am going to throw them away. If somebody would just give me a couple of band-aids, I can be on my way"

She tried to stand but Webber pushed her flat on her back.

"You're not going anywhere"

"Mrs. Webber..."

Sloan came in the mix, ready for the treatment.

"Hmm?"

"I'm about to put a needle in your face… just stay still please"

"Just stay here, quiet. I'll arrange you also a general checkup"

"Richard!"

"Lay down for dr. Sloan. This is my hospital and you'll do what I tell you"

He ignored the sigh and eyes rolling and walked away. Meredith stood too. She could see the Chief was shaken but she needed to tell him her opinion. She reached him when he had almost joined the exit door.

"Chief..."

He turned round, lightly surprised. His jaw clenched when he noticed Meredith's serious face.

"Meredith..."

She felt bad to tell him this, but she had a strange feeling since last Adele's visit to the ER.

"I have some concern on your wife, Chief"

"Which kind of concerns?"

She didn't like his tone, apparently he wasn't going to make this any easier for her.

"The same concerns which brought you to run a CT on her last time even if she had no sign of head injury?

"Yes, sir"

"Well, drop it. I checked Adele's head C.T. myself. It was clean"

"Well, I still have some concerns. And if her C.T. was clean, then I have even more concerns"

"Thank you, Meredith, but I assure you, Adele is fine"

"Chief, she's been getting things very confused"

"Meredith, she is fine"

"She told the paramedic she had fallen at home, not in that supermarket. That's why he signaled on her chart she was confused"

"See you later, dr. Grey"

He turned on his heels and walked away but she wasn't going to back off that easily. She followed him keeping talking.

"Last time she asked me if I had really married a doctor"

"Okay, that's enough" he turned around hissing but Meredith knew him and wasn't going to get impressed.

"Now I know what you're implying. And while I appreciate your concern, that's enough. Adele had a scare today. She had a fall. Any number of things could account for her mixing up a couple of details, not the least of which is her being interrogated by you. Now if something bigger were wrong with my wife, I would know it. You've got Alzheimer's on the brain. Derek cut you off his trial but you read all his files and his plan, if I know you, I guess you had already studied and got prepared to work on it with him but.. this doesn't justify what you're implying here"

"If you're implying I see things as I'm kind of frustrated, with all due respect, you do not know me. I was the doctor in charge of your wife..."

He cut her off.

"You said right, my wife... my wife. Adele is not your mother, Meredith. She's my wife. I want her to have the best care possible, but not like this. I've paged dr. Bailey and asked her to follow her exams today. I think you, but your help is not needed anymore"

His pager beeped and he looked at it.

"I have a meeting now... Come to my office tomorrow, I will tell you what I... about... the stuff I wanted to tell you about".

He walked away and Meredith sighed. Doctors often wondered why people waited so long to get checked. At first she thought they didn't get the signs, the symptoms. And it was true, in part. But the ultimate truth was that they were scared to know. And she thought the Chief was too. Only waiting wouldn't change reality. It would just make things worse. She went back to the ER and handled Adele's chart to the nurse.

"Dr. Bailey is going to take over this. She'll be here in minutes"

Her day was officially crappy.

* * *

Cristina was having the time of her life.

This was her day, she felt it.

She had cleared things out with Owen, she had cleared things out with Altman. And now she was going to fly solo on a big surgery.

Screw the others, she felt awesome.

The only thing which disturbed her happiness was the identity of the patient lying on the table.

Altman's husband.

She could see her boss was very nervous and touchy. She had grown to know Teddy in the last months, they shared a lot of things.

First weeks it had been the passion for Owen, than cardiology, than… a lot of stuff.

Cristina felt a strong bound to her.

As Teddy was not a superhero, she was a great surgeon who liked to teach and didn't feel threatened by her will to learn and stand.

She wasn't Burke, she wasn't Hahn.

She had the same skills and qualities, but she was softer and more human. She was less egoistic. As deep down Cristina knew that, both her previous mentors, had been hesitant to teach her everything. They were perfectly aware someday she would become an attending herself, a surgeon to fight with for the most prestigious contracts. So they let her down, hid their secrets, tried to break her spirit and self confidence. Burke had been more discrete in doing it, sometimes he let her out of the OR, took excuses and justifications. The only period of his life he had really opened his textbook to her was when she was actually doing his surgeries, when she was his hands. And Cristina had learnt more in those two months than in the whole period they had spent and lived together. Hahn… another story. She had been pissed to her as she was Burke's ex girl friend. She had been pissed as she didn't kiss her ass, she was finally a woman who wanted to look self assured but actually had a lot of weaknesses and fragilities. And aggressiveness was her way to hide it. Her world of self frustration had come out when she had yelled to the Chief and asked him to fire Izzie for the heart thing. Possibly Webber wasn't waiting for anything else, as he had taken the first chance and packed her away without second thought.

Altman was a mixture of them both. She wasn't as talented as Burke, she hadn't the same skills. Her experiences had brought her somewhere different. This was her quality and her fall at the same time. But she didn't see residents and interns as a future threat, she gave all that she had. And despite probably the medical world had bigger names to show off, Cristina Yang had long time ago realized she didn't want any of them at her place.

So now the truce being signed… this case was going to be complicated.

She had started working an hour ago or so, the patient was open on the table and she had cleared the field, isolated the mass and was taking a real look at it. It was huge. Not she was impressed but… the tumor was big and really close to the heart. She took a deep breath handling the retractor back to the nurse.

"Ready to resect the tumor"

Her voice sounded firm at her own ears and Cristina couldn't help but gloating inside. She liked how her voice sounded in the OR, she liked to be the one to instruct and not being instructed. She liked to be the one handled the instruments and asking for them and not just a spectator.

"Bovie"

Teddy's voice from the back of the OR. Cristina had almost forgotten she was there.

"Slow and steady. Any disturbance to his heart and he could go into a hypertensive crisis"

"He's pre-medicated. I'm all over it"

"Steady, Yang"

There was something strange in Altman's timbre. It was shaking, but Cristina was too involved in what she was doing to look behind and take a look at her. She was about to remove the tumor, Teddy's freaking out could wait. The forceps closed around the mass.

" I got it"

"Good, good"

Even from there Yang could see her breathing out in relief. The tumor hit the basin with a thud. It was like a nut, hard and round. Bad thing…

"Now just irrigate and explore"

As soon as Cristina touched the surrounding tissue, the monitor started to beep in protest.

"B.P.'s shooting up"

The anesthesiologist's voice sounded worried and Cristina looked up to the monitor for support. Teddy wasn't going to help her through this anyway. If Cristina needed quiet and calm to think, Altman wasn't the one to give her those this time. She started to flow her with questions Cristina had no time to answer right now.

"What did you do, Cristina?"

" I don't know. Suction"

The cavity was filling with blood and it was becoming hard to see through it.

"Damn it, Cristina"

She saw a clot and tried to reach for it.

" I got it. Don't worry"

"All right. Check for residual tumor"

"I am. You know, I need more light. Pickups"

The beeping in the room was becoming unbearable. Teddy was doing her best to keep calm but she couldn't control her nervousness. Henry was extremely weak and his heart was in distress. She didn't know if they could take him back if he coded now"

"Hurry up. Come on. Did you find anything?"

Beeping.

"Cristina?"

Beeping.

"Cristina, I need you to talk to me right now"

Cristina snorted. The surgery was difficult and doing it with Teddy yelling in her years was making it even more complicated. But what was stressing her now was that Altman didn't mistrust her qualities as surgeon, she was freaking out as the patient was her husband and she was being emotional about that. It looked like the sweet words in the CT weren't just from one side after all. Good to know… but right now she needed to calm her, otherwise she couldn't focus on the patient and she really needed to do that to save him and put this one under her belt. Suddenly Teddy's voice sounded nearer.

"Do you need me to do this?"

She was one step behind her, her breath literally on her neck and Cristina snapped at her.

"I need you to shut up and stop acting like a scared wife"

Teddy sighed and Cristina finally reached for the clot which was obstructing the circulation. She took it out and the monitors silenced immediately.

"There, I got it. I... I got it" she turned around and saw Altman pale and sweated, her eyes closed. Technically she had just broken her rules again. Teddy had punished her for expressing thoughts and different opinions. Yelling and snapping, calling her a hysteric wife in the OR wasn't surely better than that. Cristina locked her eyes with her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

Surprisingly she cut her off.

"No, no, it's... it's okay. It's just..." she narrowed her eyes snorting, fear and worry leaving her lungs with the remaining oxygen. "Thank you"

Cristina nodded.

She didn't want to admit it, but she felt relieved.

And she had flown solo again.

* * *

Bailey was in a conference room, she had adjusted a set of scans on the magnetic board and was looking carefully through them. Noticing nothing wrong. Unfortunately when she had delivered the message to the patient's medical proxy, instead of getting a thank you and a pat on the shoulder, she had received a grunt in response and the more or less kind request to go ahead and search better. Searching what? Was the Chief putting her to test? She didn't think so, not involving his wife who in the last two weeks had visited the ER more often than in the last ten years all together.

First time with a spangled ankle, now with a cut on her head. Which sounded perfectly normal and accidental if it wasn't for the nonsense she had just got from Mrs. Webber. Her upset had grown when she had noticed that the chart had been signed at her admittance by Meredith Grey, a doctor Webber trusted, both personally and medically, but, for some reason she was sure she wouldn't like, he had decided to put her off the case and leave her holding the baby. She made a mental note to look for Grey somewhere. She hissed some insult taking the scans down, she turned to exit and met Avery on her way out.

"Dr. Avery..."

"Dr. Bailey..."

"What can I do for you?"

"What I asked you to do this morning maybe?"

"I took care of that... I thought that maybe I could work with you on this case"

"I have no case, Avery. I'm just running some test for an... employee. It won't turn out into anything so..."

Her eyes bored into his and she got this wasn't his only motivation.

"I tell you this as you're my resident and I don't want you to mess up with my cases"

"Excuse me?"

"If you really think that sleeping here and turning into a stalking burglar will help you to get chief Resident, you're more cute than smart, Avery. Hours spent doing nothing in the hospital don't count anything" he breathed out and Bailey got she had touched a nerve "just focus on your job, this will help" she walked away but then stopped and turned to look at him "and... As you're my resident and I don't want you to look a complete and dumb fool, the choice is not on Webber anymore. He delegated to someone else"

His lips moved and she anticipated the question.

"Someone I won't tell you anyway. So just cut off that face and go doing something"

Her pager beeped and she snorted.

"Change of plans... Meet me in half an hour in the room 2334. Apparently we're going to scrub in with dr. Webber in a difficult procedure"

"Thank you, sir"

He turned round and left, a new high in his steps. Bailey started to walk down the corridor too, after a turn she saw Meredith entering the stair case. She followed her and called her back.

"Hey, hey, Meredith... "

Grey stopped looking up.

"Yes?"

"what was the deal with Adele Webber when you saw her a few weeks back?"

"Oh, she just had a strangled ankle"

"Yeah, but you ordered a head C.T."

"Just to be sure, and it was clear"

"Okay, I read the file. What I'm asking for is a more complete impression of the patient. I myself just accused her of being either a wino or a junkie, and that seems not to be the case 'cause the tox screen was clear and so was the breathalyzer. So I'm wondering what the hell is going on"

"She fell down, and she couldn't get her story straight. I tried to talk to the chief and he got very angry with me because I suggested that there was some indication of early dementia. And he thinks, because I'm familiar with Derek's study and he cut me off, that I see Alzheimer's everywhere" she rolled her eyes and Miranda got she had felt offended, she would be too. But Grey was a woman who didn't hold grudge, she had many falls, but not this. She was sincerely worried "Are you concerned too?"

"Yeah. She messed up stuff with me too and... I don't know..."

"Did you really call the chief's wife a wino?"

"My finest moment"

"Maybe if you tell him... He'll listen to you"

"I don't think so. But if nothing plausible comes out... I will have to do it anyway"

"I guess this won't put me in better ranking for the position..."

"Can you all just stop talking about this? You're kind of annoying"

"It was worth a try"

Meredith started to go down the stairs and Bailey went back to the floor, heading to the pit. She didn't like this. The Chief wasn't being objective, rational. He was avoiding. Meredith was a good doctor. She was too but she was having a strange feeling about what was going on here. She was feeling used. This wasn't her field, she wasn't an expert. Someone else was. And Webber was driving in circles around it. As he was scared. Who wouldn't be? But this didn't justify his keeping his head under the ground. Unless it was something else which stopped him from asking help. What that could be... She didn't know. She would anyway face the problem soon. She entered the pit and took the chart near Adele's bed. The woman looked asleep. She checked the labs she had ordered and all the exams. The Chief had expressly told her to run every kind of possible test on his wife. It all proved to be a great waste of money and time, nothing was wrong. Blood tests were perfect, all disease markers were low. She sighed signing at the bottom of the page. Mrs. Webber stirred. Her eyes fluttered open and Bailey smiled to her.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'd feel better if Richard came here and took me home"

"I'm sorry but it will take time... He's going to scrub in in a complicated surgery. Did he promise he would?"

"Yes... But... What's new in this?"

She tried to straighten up but she stopped wincing.

"Take it easy, Adele. Your head trauma was pretty bad"

"I know... You have been saying it since I got here... I'm just done waiting here"

She tried to push her legs out of the stretcher but Bailey stopped her.

"You can't go away"

"Of course I can"

"Dr. Sloan has just given you 15 stitches, you have to take another antibiotic before going home"

"Give it to me then"

"I can't. We have to wait at least three hours so... Just do me this favor, lay down and rest. It's not my intention to keep you here longer than necessary"

Adele went back to the gurney snorting.

"Like I don't know you ran a lot of unnecessary tests on me. What do you think... That I'm really that stupid?"

"Absolutely not. But this is what we do when a patient comes to the ER twice in a few week. We try to understand if there's something more than confusion and fear. So I guess it's your own interest to stay he and let me do my work, ok?"

"Ok... But this pill is better to come quickly. I have a lot of work to do here..."

She folded her arms around her chest and Bailey frowned at her last sentence. She took a deep breath and prepared a mental speech to deliver to dr. Webber, something, she was sure, he wouldn't appreciate at all.

* * *

Alex checked his pager. The OR was ready, Sheperd was waiting for him.

He had just finished preparing the patient, Daniel. He was alone in his room and quiet now, the accident of minutes before forgotten. Victoria was out of the hospital, back to the house again and Alex looked to the man behind the glass trying to imagine what was going on in his brain. Who was his wife now? Victoria... Allison? Impossible to know... He sighed.

"He followed me through a snowstorm"

He looked up noticing Mrs. Cobb standing near him.

"Sorry?"

"In college. Daniel saw me in the student union and he followed me to my class in a snowstorm. Introduction to French Poetry... It was in this big lecture hall, and he sat there for an hour and a half twice a week for five months, just trying to get up the nerve to meet me. That was 40 years ago"

These two people were together before he was even born. And now Daniel didn't remember about her. Who she was. Alex's life hadn't been easy... But this too was a real crap. He didn't know what to say to this woman. Maybe he wasn't supposed to say anything... Just listening.

"Please. Give my husband the drug"

Lucky him he had just finished signing the chart as the pen slipped out of his hand. This conversation had crossed every line.

"Mrs. Cobb..."

"You could do it if... if you wanted to. You know that you could"

"No, I couldn't. It... it's completely random. The computer decides. We don't even know if he's getting the drug until we're about to inject it"

"Well, then change it if you need to" her voice sounded desperate. Still Alex saw a pair of heads tuning to their direction. He sighed shaking his head. "I need my husband back. I need Daniel back"

He could get her state of mind humanly speaking. But she... They had signed a consent, she had no right to ask this. Even if he had compassion for her, he had to be firm and categorical about this.

"I'm sorry. I just can't do it. And Even if the drug works, It's not gonna reverse things"

"But I can live with that. I can live with what... what... what we have right now. I can live with being a part-time wife. But I cannot live with losing my husband all the way. So... for God sake... give him the drug. Please"

"I'll pretend this conversation never took place, Mrs. Cobb. If dr. Sheperd knew, he'd kick me out of the trial and your husband too. I'm already late now... If you excuse me"

He walked away ignoring her sigh.

When Sheperd had told him about pressure he had underestimated his words. He thought he was paranoid. But now he got it. These people we desperate. And desperation brought to desperate measures. He was sure Mrs. Cobb was a decent woman, respectful of laws and rules, no act in her life out of line. But the line had been crossed here. Her life had been upset and, with it, probably also the feeling of legal and not. It was starting to happen too often lately. People felt authorized to push and pull to claim their rights or their supposed rights. They lived hospital dynamics as a personal offense. Protocols and procedures had been issued to protect them but, when they ended to conclusions they didn't like, people forced you to ignore them, to close an eye. Otherwise they started to look at you like you were the bad guy. Gary Clark had been the classic example of this new wave of patients and relatives.

In the hallways they had never talked about that often. Derek was a close friend to many people inside those walls. Facing the topic felt somehow to lack of respect towards him and what he had survived. Alex had witnessed it with his eyes. Not the whole... but just the few frames he had seen had cleared his mind about something: most people would be dead after all of that. He wasn't. But speculations and conversations about this had stopped before even beginning. Only the feeling was still there. Nurses and doctors seemed to fear people in front of them, they acted careful, every word had a meaning and every word was uttered after long reflection. This wasn't the way he wanted to work anymore. The trial was fancy and hot, the idea of it. But Alex felt like he was swimming in a water he didn't know. And by now, he was even sure he didn't like. There was too much strain, too much on the line. He felt flattered but he also felt like a betrayer as he didn't share the same excitement Sheperd felt, he didn't share the same emotions, the same attachment. For him it was just a way to stand and get a name, a better position for what he really wanted.

Two hours later he was absolutely sure he didn't want to spend the next two years of his career like this. Daniel hadn't received the drug, he had received a syringe of hope. And now Alex felt bad at the mere idea to meet his wife, he was scared she could read it on his face. He saw Meredith practicing on a bust. If there was someone he could talk about this, that was her. He snorted approaching the table, suddenly aware she could send him to hell after the way he had behaved and teased her. But she didn't. She smiled to him and he felt like they were in her kitchen.

"Day one, and this thing already blows. You got one guy begging us to get his wife in the trial, then this other guy's wife wants me to steal the drug for her husband"

He stroked his face and Meredith giggled.

"Well, you're the one who wanted in on the trial of the century"

"Yeah, but with plastics, the problem's right in front of you. Also in a good way sometimes. You look and you see. And they know they need help. Here, you... you've got a sick parent who doesn't even know they're sick"

He sank on his stool and Meredith gave him a knowing smile.

"Well, about five years ago, I was visiting my mother. And she starts telling me how she thinks she's got herpes and how she doesn't want to go to the hospital and get checked out because she's afraid everybody will know. So I realize that she thinks I'm her best friend from med school, and it's 35 years ago. So... I had to just sit there and talk to my mother about her possible herpes for two hours, two very long hours. I couldn't cure her Alzheimer's, but at least I could give her what she needed in that moment"

"Advice about herpes?"

Alex's face was a mixture of disgust and hilarity.

"Advice about herpes"

"And how were you an expert about it?"

Meredith quirked her brow smugly.

"Are you sure you want to know about it?"

"Don't know. Sheperd doesn't look like the guy who can give you herpes"

"Well… you don't look like the guy who could give syphilis"

Their eyes locked and they both laughed.

"You're right. But as Derek is going to spend the night with me… I guess I prefer not to know if he's the guy or not"

"And why would he sleep with you? Are you celebrating?"

Alex rolled his eyes. Of course Meredith was taking fun of him but, just the mere thought of sharing a bed with his boss, made his stomach roll and churn.

"Mer, stop that. Maybe you're turned on by the thought of two hot men but… I'm going to throw up here"

"I'm not turned on. But it's really funny picturing you and Derek under the same cover. And the question is this one… why are you thinking about it?"

"Don't fly high. It's just that he told me you were pissed about the trial and I wasn't making it any better"

"Hm hm"

"Are you? Pissed I mean…"

"No. I'm sorry. I have a history with Alzheimer and I could have helped. That's all"

"Maybe he doesn't want you as you have a story behind your back"

"Knowing Derek… he fears I could picture a story in front of me and…" she rolled her eyes "I've already done it so… he's got a point maybe"

"I can't do this, Mer"

"Come on… you could meet someone with hot memories who needs a shoulder"

"I wouldn't be right then… I can give all you want but shoulders… it's not my stuff"

"You're too full of yourself"

"That's why I never got herpes… I'll make sure to look better at Derek next time I met him in the shower… Catch some good detail to spread around"

"It would be last thing you do, I promise"

* * *

Cristina's day had turned out to be a success under every possible profile. Personal and professional. Usually she wouldn't leave so early even if her shift had ended, she would stay in the hospital to get new cases. But today she felt completely satisfied and she longed for a steak and a beer. She jogged towards the elevator in her street clothes, jumping in and almost bumping into Derek.

"Hey"

Her voice sounded cheerful and the smile that splayed on her face made Derek frown. He was in the contrary mood instead. The world was really upside down if Cristina Yang was happy and he felt like crap.

"Had a good day, dr. Yang?"

The doors closed and she turned to look at him, despite the question he had just popped, his eyes were fixed on the floor, his hands buried in his pockets.

"Not good, awesome… perfect… extraordinary… every word you can find is not enough to describe it"

"Good for you"

She could tell he was true but there was something odd in his behavior. McDreamy was never sad… not openly at least. He could hide his professional disillusions good. But today apparently he was not able to keep his discomfort for himself.

"Didn't the trial start good?"

His face raised to meet her eyes and he shook his head, his eyes now on the ceiling.

"How do you care?"

"I don't actually" she shrugged and adjusted her purse "I was just trying to make conversation with you. I can drop it if you prefer"

He sighed and Cristina rolled her eyes. She flinched seeing they were three floors from the ground floor. McDreamy was really starting to get on her nerves.

"Did I bite your ass or something?"

"You don't need to do that"

"Doing what?"

"Ask me things you don't want to know"

"Excuse me?"

"Yang, you don't give a crap of my trial. You don't give a crap if you say things which bother me. You never have… so just don't do it now"

"What is this supposed to mean?"

He pushed the button and sighed seeing the ride was lasting longer than he wanted. Cristina dropped her purse and stopped the elevator.

"What are you doing?"

"Talking to you. If you think I did something to bother you, just spit it"

"Yang…"

"No, don't dr. Yang me. Apparently I said something to you yesterday evening. Owen has been arguing with me about that but I didn't realize so just enlighten me"

"That's the point. I shouldn't enlighten you about that. It should be clear. But it's not. And this tells me I am wrong, not you. I feel differently about some stuff and my sensibility suggests me you should too but… you don't. People are different. I came into terms with it"

"Really… If you implied something, I don't get it. Can you just stop poetrying and speak clear?"

Derek snorted and turned to face her.

"Right… have you never taken into consideration that my trial could be much more than a waste of time?"

"I did. But I don't do neuro and you know it. I thought it would be better to leave space to people who really appreciate to work on it… who like the subject and are involved in it"

"As you aren't…"

"I have no reason to be"

"I happen to disagree. Your best friend has just lived two hellish months as she thought she could develop Alzheimer. She didn't want to have kids, start a family, get married as she was scared one day she wouldn't remember any of it. I guess she told you… and I thought this could be enough for you to feel Alzheimer's a little bit more personal" he breathed out, a rock rolling off his heart. Cristina's eyes narrowed seeing his Adam's apple bubbling in his throat, like he had finally swallowed something which threatened to choke him. He looked away. "But like I said… apparently your brain works differently from mine… It's your right"

Cristina was silent after his outburst, the elevator still. She hadn't really thought about this, she had never considered she could take part to the trial for Meredith. And it was not as she didn't care. She just… hadn't thought about it.

Meredith used to freak out about everything. She had also for her mother's disease, she had convinced her to take a blood sample to have the gene tested but then had backed off. The topic had died in that moment and she didn't think it was big deal. But apparently she had misjudged the problem.

Derek was still worried about it, prove that Meredith was herself.

In the mess of her fight with Altman and Hunt she had lost the direction in this thing.

"I…"

She tried to say something but she really couldn't.

She didn't feel to apologize about it, it was not a wrong or anything…

Sheperd had said it perfectly… her sensitivity was different… probably worse… and she had never felt the moral obligation to do anything.

"I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I didn't care about Meredith… you know I do"

"Apparently not enough to feel involved in this"

"Why should I?"

Derek turned to look at her, for a moment she could tell he had something on his tongue. He swallowed and looked away.

"She dropped the stupid idea to have the test. She's over that. And she would be more than ready to work with you"

"Don't I know it"

"So let her…"

Derek sighed, raking a hand in his hair. It was evident the thought had crossed his mind several times during the day.

"She is not a breakable doll. She knows what she would deal with and she's ready. I even think she could get a benefit from it"

"I'm not going to discuss my assignments with you, dr. Yang. This wasn't about that. I was just saying my wife's friend, who I happen to consider some kind of family too, that I was disappointed by her lightness about this. I thought you could care more… I hoped you would. My hopes got crushed. I'm gonna survive it anyway"

The doors opened and he stormed out. Cristina hadn't the time to answer back. When she lost track of his figure, she met Owen's uncertain face. He was standing out of the elevator.

"Hi…"

Cristina looked to him and then to the point Derek had disappeared. Her lips spilled a laughter.

"He told me he considers me family…"

Owen smiled at her surprise.

"It's quite understandable… You're Meredith's best friend and we go out together sometimes so…"

He trailed off seeing she looked bewildered.

"I thought he just hated me"

He chuckled seeing her expression.

"Why?" he entered the elevator and pushed the button. "He likes you… I think you got to know after… his thing"

"It's not that we talk about it all day… And I just thought he had grown softer then… that it was temporary"

"Liking or disliking people is not temporary"

"Isn't it?"

"Nope… take me" he closed the distance between the two of them, stroking her cheek "I loved you from the very beginning"

"Did you?"

"Yeah… and it looks like it's not going to end soon"

He kissed her and she dropped her purse for the second time during this ride. Her hands traveled in his hair and she giggled parting.

"Are you coming home?"

"In an hour I guess"

"I'll wait for you…"

"Mmm.. that sounds promising…"

"As it is… You know what I'm capable of"

"I thought crazy sex was just a distraction"

"No, it's gonna be a habit"

The doors opened and she stepped out smiling. Owen was smiling too but his face fell when he met the Chief's serious stare. Webber stepped in pressing the button. When the doors closed he cleared meaningfully his throat.

"Have you already taken a look to the task I gave you, dr. Hunt?"

"No, sir"

"And I guess I don't need to tell you this task of yours is covered by professional privacy and secret, right?"

"Of course not, sir. You didn't need to tell me before and you don't need it even now. I won't let my personal life interfere in any way. I thought I could give it for granted"

"You can… as long as I can"

The doors opened and the Chief walked away.

Webber kicked himself mentally. He didn't mean to snap to Hunt, he knew he had been unfair. After all he had given him this task as he perfectly know he was impartial and objective. He needed to apologize later… tomorrow at last. By now all he wanted to do was taking his stuff and take his wife home. He was almost done for the day, he just had to go to the OR he had left and pick up the chart. He needed to sign the journal and then he would be free.

He pushed the door of the scrub room open and nearly bumped into Bailey. His eyes rested on the folder resting on the chair, he made a step forward and took it.

"Sorry, I left before signing this"

"No problem, it didn't go anywhere"

Bailey heard him scribbling something and then closing the chart.

"Here we go… Tough day, uhm?"

"Absolutely"

Miranda's voice was lazy and flat. Webber knew her for too long not to get she was hiding something.

"Can I take Adele home?"

"Everything's clear"

"Good. Well, she's just got two left feet"

He walked to the door but stopped as Bailey apparently hadn't finished with him.

"Could be. I didn't check for that"

He breathed out and Miranda got it was his way to let her go on.

"Sir... something's clearly wrong"

"Dr. Bailey, when you're rolling down the far side of the hill, things fall apart"

"Really? That could be… a good theory for everyone. But being a doctor… if it was me and my wife was suddenly accident prone and losing track of details, I wouldn't make philosophy. I would ask for help. And, if it was for me or course, I wouldn't ask the general surgeon who's only been an attending for a year to check her out. I'd ask the neuro guy... the very fancy, extremely good neurosurgeon who happens to be studying neurological disorders, like Alzheimer's, who happens to be a close friend. That's who I'd ask. But that's just me. And I'm not that fond of philosophy"

She walked away and left Richard alone in that room. With his worst nightmare. The fear to lose the second woman of his life for Alzheimer. He hadn't lost Ellis Grey for her disease to be true, he had left her decades before out of his own will. But the impact of seeing her sick and confused had knocked him down. As he was sure he wouldn't survive seeing Adele going though the same tunnel.

* * *

_Here is the day..._

_The day you get the clock is turning backwards, that the time you have left is less than the one you've already lived._

* * *

Teddy was visiting Henry in his room. He was still groggy from the surgery he had just experienced, bothered by tubes which snaked out of his body. She had just checked the drain coming out of his wound and was readjusting the bandages.

Even if Cristina had already briefed him on her success, she wanted to be sure he got clear everything was right.

"It was a clean excision and we got clean margins. You're gonna be okay"

"Dr. Yang told me… Why did she operate on me?"

"Well… the Chief is not so happy about our arrangement… You are my husband after all so… we're not allowed to operate on family"

"Ok…"

"I could convince him but… what you told in the CT… he got pretty mad on me"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. I told him you were probably high on painkillers but… he didn't want to take any risk with insurances and… stuff… so… he preferred to have Yang on you. But I was with her all the time and she did good. I know you don't feel… good… right now. But you are"

She turned around and completed a check list in his chart. Henry's eyes never left her form. He cleared his throat.

"So what I said before... about your eyes… It wasn't just the painkillers"

Teddy leant the chart on the table and looked at him.

"Henry, you have to stop. You have to stop talking to me about my eyes and flirting with me in front of other doctors"

"You're right. I'm sorry"

"Okay"

She didn't know why, but she wasn't happy anyway.

"I'm sorry for your job… as I caused problems to you on work… but I'm not sorry in general… I meant what I said. All of it... if not more"

Teddy's heart skipped a bit. She looked at him, her voice was hoarse when she spoke.

"I get it. It's a great story. We get married to save your life, then we fall in love... I mean, how romantic is that? Not to mention that you are... smart and funny and not at all hard on the eyes. And I would be lying to say that it has never crossed my mind. But I... I don't feel it. It's... it's not real. It's just a good story"

"What's so wrong with a good story?"

Good question. She hadn't a good answer to this.

"I'm sorry"

She walked away, overwhelmed by her feelings for this man.

The previous day she had the strength to admit to others she felt attracted by him. She was confused. And Torres had a point saying that maybe she was in love with the romantic story and not the prince in it. She had to take time to think about it. But fate had brought Henry back into her life and she hadn't had the time to stop and split her feelings. Love of infatuation? Feelings or pity? She really wanted to be the first, but she needed to cool down. She hated to be that woman to him, he was alone and in pain and she was pushing him away. How would she feel in his shoes? Terribly… she'd feel terribly. She stopped for a moment and took a deep breath… two… three. She could be better than that, she could be a good doctor. And above all a better woman.

She turned around and entered his room again, his eyes were closed but opened immediately as she leant on the bed.

"I like you… I really do. And I'm feeling confused. As I didn't expect it. But you can't ask me to ride a horse and live in fairytales Henry, I'm too grown up for that"

"I know and… I'm sorry. It's just that… I've never had anyone in my life… I've never found anyone… and now I met you, you helped me in a way nobody ever did… And you happen to be beautiful and cool and… I'm sorry if I wanted too much…"

Teddy sat on his bed, taking his hand.

"It's not too much, Henry… wanting someone to love. But here… we're playing with fire. I just don't want to hurt you… and I don't want to be hurt myself. We need to take things slowly… we need to help you out of here… Then we'll see"

"Ok"

"I want to be around you even when you're out… I want to know how you are and where you live… Yesterday when I realized you were gone and I didn't know where and how to find you… I felt lost. I like you and I don't want to lose you. That's what I know for sure now… The rest… our story is still to write"

He squeezed her hand and gave her a small smile.

"You're even smart, you know?"

"I studied a lot… It was worth I guess…"

"Totally…"

He closed his eyes and flinched, Teddy realized he had to be dead tired. She stood up.

"Just rest now… I'll see you tomorrow"

* * *

_The time you start to believe in fairytales all over again._

* * *

Derek had taken Karev's page and they were both waiting in Daniel's room. His post op had ran smoothly and he was supposed to wake up in minutes. His wife was with him, stroking his hair quietly. Suddenly she stirred seeing his eyes fluttering open.

"Honey?"

His pupils scanned the room and then settled on her. She smiled.

"Hi. How you feeling?"

Derek didn't know why, but he saw something turning off in his eyes.

"Oh, I'm okay. I've got a slight headache"

He silenced one moment taking a look around.

"Where's my Victoria? Can I see her?"

Mrs. Cobb recoiled like she had been slapped and Derek felt bad for her, somehow he had hoped Daniel would recognize her after surgery. But this trial wasn't a miracle, it was a slow and long path towards success and he had to stop being emotional himself. He had already done too many mistakes. He raised his eyes and saw the old lady walking away, curved under an invisible and giant weight. He was about to tell her something in support, but Alex did first. He approached the woman.

"Mrs. Cobb, he just came out of surgery"

She sighed in response.

"Look, this doesn't mean it's not gonna work. We won't know that for a while. When he acts like this,

you just need to tell yourself, this is not your husband. But he is somebody who needs your help.

So whatever you can give him..."

She understood what he was meaning. And with the last strength she had, she approached the bed and took her husband's hand.

"Daniel... I'm gonna call Victoria and get her here as soon as I can. Okay?"

"Thank you"

She left the room and Alex did the same. Derek called him from behind.

"Karev… I couldn't have done it any better myself. You reassured her. You got her to focus on what was important"

"I'm off the trial"

He fired the sentence and saw Sheperd recoiling a bit, clearly surprised.

" What?"

"It's too depressing. I can't handle this for the next two years"

"You just handled it"

"No, that was Meredith talking. She told me what to say. She's been saving my ass all day" he stopped to catch breath, he could see Sheperd had been affected by his last words. Maybe it was time to push a little bit more, they were roommates after all, they shared the bathroom every morning, he could tell him his opinion without being thrown out of the program.

"You need to get over this thing where you're just thinking of her as your wife, because your wife is

the only person twisted enough to handle this crap"

He turned around to leave but a last thought crossed his mind. He faced Derek again, he was standing at the same place, frozen by the news he had just received.

"Oh, and that said, I'm in the race for chief resident. And so far, I'm kicking ass, so I'd appreciate it if you mention to Dr. Webber that I prioritized the patient's needs over my personal gain"

He finally walked away and Derek chuckled.

* * *

_The time you finally get over the guilt._

* * *

He had never been a fan of signs, but this was the last he needed. This thing had started wrong from the beginning and he needed to fix it.

He took a look at his clock, it was 20.45 and Meredith was probably already home. Better… at Joe's. This was twisted sisters' evening. She was probably having a drink with Cristina. He had half an hour to kill in the await.

He had spent the whole day in the OR and in the close of the hospital, he perfectly knew where he wanted to go now.

He headed to the attending lounge and pushed the door open. He quickly took his clothes off the locker and changed from his scrubs. He was buttoning his shirt when the door opened and Hunt came in.

"Hey…"

"Hey"

"Going home?"

"Not really. Meredith should be out with Cristina so… I thought to go to lash out on the roof"

Derek turned around the locker and reappeared, his golf bag on his shoulder.

"Are you up for some swing?"

"Of course"

They left the room together and stopped in front of the elevator. Derek's lips twitched in a smile when the doors opened and saw Meredith standing behind them.

"Hey… I thought you were already at Joe's"

"I'm going indeed… I just had to check on the last patient"

"See you later then?"

"Of course…"

The doors were closing and Derek decided it was time to stop running in circles. He stopped the doors stepping in.

"My next Alzheimer's surgery is tomorrow at 7:00. Put your name on the board"

* * *

_The time patience came to something._

* * *

He kissed her lips and stepped back. The doors closed and last thing he saw was Meredith smiling brightly.

Sheperd smiled himself and Owen looked at him.

"You changed your mind…"

"I just…" he diverted his eyes looking for words which could explain his feelings on this. "I have just realized I cut off the best candidate I had for personal reasons. I had to make up"

They stepped into the elevator joining Mark and a very silent dr. Wyatt.

The three men walked out when the elevator reached the roof top.

Derek turned around.

"I'll see you soon dr. Wyatt…"

"Of course, dr. Sheperd. It looks like you owe me a drink… Have a nice evening"

She disappeared behind the doors and Mark patted his shoulder vigorously.

"Well done, Shep. Grey is probably making doo doo eyes to some hot chick and you're going out with the old witch"

Derek bent to pick up his club.

"Shut up, Mark. Here is just for steaming off. No shit"

They all settled their personal field and started to hit ball after ball.

Derek loved it there.

There was a wonderful panorama on the city, the air was chilly and pure. It cleaned his head.

Mark shanked his last shot and Owen giggled.

"I hope your surgeries go smoother than that"

"No shit, Hunt"

Derek laughed. He looked at Owen who hit his ball, tracing a hyperbolic path.

"No bad…"

"I can do everything today"

Sheperd eyed him suspiciously. He didn't know if pushing the conversation further. Mark was there too and he knew Owen was a very private man.

"Hum hum"

His mumbling het the trauma surgeon the chance to manage the situation like he wanted. He could go on or drop it. Their eyes met and Hunt smiled.

"I figured it out with Cristina… She said she could consider having a baby… Someday she could…"

Derek smiled genuinely to him. He was happy, really, for the both of them.

Hunt hit another ball, his arm resting midway.

"The ridiculous thing was that I'd have given up the idea… if she didn't want it. I could have lived without it"

"So it was a good surprise…"

"You can tell …"

"I have something to celebrate with…"

Derek patted his shoulder and rummaged in the bag, magically fishing out some bear. He lunched one to Mark and one to Owen, keeping the last for himself. They started sipping the cold liquid in silence, savoring the peace and magic of the moment. The elevator hissed open and Owen turned to look at the new comer. His face relaxed seeing Webber coming closer.

"Chief…"

"Dr. Hunt…"

Even Derek turned to look to Richard. He never came up there, he frowned seeing his serious expression.

"Do you want to hit one?"

Owen gestured to clubs and balls but Richard shook his head.

"No, thank you. I just wanted to borrow Shep for a minute…"

Mark and Owen shared a worried look, Derek gave his beer to Hunt and walked away with the Chief.

"What's up?"

"Adele was in the E.R today"

Derek's face fell.

"Is she all right?"

"Yeah. She just… she took a spill. Nothing serious"

Derek got there was something else. He stayed silent but he could clearly see Richard was worried, he was forcing the words out of his mouth.

"But it's the second time recently. So I had Bailey work her up. Nothing comes up. C.T., everything's clean.

But she's... foggy. I need you to take a look"

"Of course"

Derek patted his shoulder and held his stare for a moment.

He knew Richard for a long time. He knew him enough to know it was bad.

* * *

_The time you realize that the fall is more destructive if you were standing on the top._

_Here is the day…_


	42. BICYCLING

_Hey, Grey's back and my life is messy..._

_Here is the chapter, hope you'll enjoy and review._

* * *

_It's one of the first things we learn as kids._

_And it stays there… imprinted in our DNA. _

_As babies it's easy to learn, our brain is a sponge and some movements, automatisms, root in our mind. So it doesn't matter if we train or not, if doesn't matter if we practice or not, everything flows natural and spontaneous._

_It's a shame we can't graduate at that age… as later we need to force concepts and ideas in our head._

_Till our head refused to assimilate any kind of information… and just remembering three words becomes a titanic effort… it becomes the line between a healthy life and a sick living death._

* * *

It was early morning and Meredith was sitting in a conference room, several files spread on the table. She was making interviews for Derek's trial, hearing out people who wanted to be admitted.

She had already met these people, months earlier. She had ran a test, told them some stuff she wanted them try to remember. And now she was checking.

Truck.

Cabin.

Spoon.

Truck.

Cabin.

Spoon.

Some of them remembered, some not.

If was like climbing a mountain… remembering three simple, short, meaningless words.

And it was becoming even from her…

This part of the trial was awful, tiring, boring. But it needed to be made to arrive into the OR, to try to practice magic.

She had noticed that Derek had ruled most part of the tests himself, the files were full of his signature, notes on the patient. Apparently he had grown a sixth sense and, from the first meeting, he had been able to pick up the most complicated cases. Eight patients out of ten she had selected in the morning had three Derek's stars on their file.

She didn't want to tell him but he would know anyway.

Some feeding for his ego.

The morning's surgery had gone smoothly, another woman had been appointed to get the placebo. Meredith hoped the late morning's patient would be luckier. She knew Derek hoped the same too. As the patient was a woman, a young woman with a very young kid.

He had sent her "relaxing" with the new interviews before welcoming the new family.

She signed the last check list and adjusted the pen in her front pocket.

Her pager started to vibrate on the table, moving jumping on the glass surface.

She took it and frowned, reading the invitation from the Chief to join him downstairs, in a conference room. The previous day she had forgotten he wanted to talk to her of very important stuff, her fight on Adele had rolled out of proportion and she was sure he would be pissed with her. Apparently he wasn't… or he wanted to bitch around some more about her noosing in his personal and marital life.

She picked up her folders and enjoyed the ride on the elevator, it was silent and lonely and she needed it after the rambling and fighting to get memories and speech.

She walked out and headed to the room Webber was waiting for her.

To her surprise, when she walked in, she realized even Derek was in there, focused on his cell, his back resting on the wall behind Richard's desk.

The Chief looked calm… happy even. And excited. Meredith smiled quickly to Derek, blushing taking in the hot gaze he had embraced her body with.

He could send her in flames without even touching her.

She cleared her throat and focused on work… work was good to steam her off.

"Chief… You paged?"

Derek was smiling widely to her and she couldn't pretend to be ignoring him. She greeted him too.

"Hey"

"Hey… How's it going?"

"Well, the word "Spoon" has ceased to have any meaning for me, but I'm through the first test set. I have a few more consults today, but what's up?"

She had watched the exchange of looks and glares going on between Derek and Richard. Webber had given a knowing and patronizing smile hearing the routine protocol Meredith was running on Derek's behalf. It was true, an intern could do it. But Meredith knew this was the price to pay to take part in the more glorious phases of the trial. And, to tell the truth, she even liked this part. Her experience with sick people could help her to make them feel in ease. She knew barking and investing them with questions they didn't know how to answer could set them off. The research was to give a hand and she would use every mean she had to do it. The Chief had no reason to be pissed if one of his more promising residents dealt with this apparently ineffectual protocol.

Richard took off his glasses and looked down to his desk. Meredith realized he had one of her mother's journals open on the table.

"Meredith... I would like to initiate a clinical trial" He stood up and Meredith's face painted in surprise. Now everything made sense. The way Cristina and the others were following him through all the hospital. Apparently the news had filtered out his office and everyone was willing to take part in it. She didn't know what it was about but, of course, it was something big. The Chief was back in the saddle, he was applying to a study and it didn't take a genius to get that, with Webber's name behind it, residents would kill to be in it. She focused on him again, he was still talking and she really wanted to know what this was about.

"One that would be the next major advancement in the fight to cure type 1 diabetes"

Really big… huge. She couldn't control her astonishment.

"Wow"

She saw Derek smiling dropping his head. She could detect even a nod. What was going on?

"And I'd like you to participate"

The Chief dropped the bomb and everything became clear.

Richard had paged Derek and probably informed him about this indecent proposal. He had followed the normal… civilized path this time. But something was still missing in the picture though and Meredith vocalized her doubts.

"But I am on Derek's Alzheimer's trial, so I don't think I can do both"

Derek shook his head.

"Just listen"

Meredith felt a wave of nervousness raising in her throat.

She didn't like this.

They were treating her like a toy. Or maybe she was being hormonal and emotional and the truth was that Derek had decided to act like an attending and let her choose between two chances, two great chances to tell the truth. She swallowed her rage and shut up. The chief was showing her one of her mother's diaries.

"The basis of this trial was something that I found in here"

"In my mother's journals?"

"Yes. She was working on islet cell transplantation when she became ill, trying to eliminate the need for anti-rejection meds altogether. With her notes, drugs, and new technology, there's no way we can't take this the rest of the way down the field"

Meredith arched her brow quizzically.

"We?"

She had the strong intuition Webber wasn't using a plural by chance. He reacted to her surprise squirming a bit. His voice softened.

"Well, it's your mother's work. I wouldn't feel right moving forward if you weren't a part of it"

Meredith had really hard times trying to control the laughter which threatened to erupt from her throat. This thing sounded ridiculous. If it didn't sound mind blowing. If she just could tell this to Cristina and Karev and their stupid security to have Chief Resident under their sorry belts… But she couldn't let pride and egoism prevail. She had to think rationally.

"You should look at them both. Just think about it. It's your decision"

Derek's words sounded so true and wise…

Her eyes locked with his and she saw concern, even happiness for her. She didn't think he had a second meaning though. Derek was happy to have her on his trial. They had talked about it the previous night and he had apologized for leaving her out at first. So she was sure he wasn't having a second thought. He was just putting her wishes and prospective in front of his own. He wanted her with him. But he was also aware this was a great chance for her career. And probably doing it even for Richard. Despite all the problems they had behind their backs and all the times Meredith had fought and argued with him, it was clear there was anyone else he wanted on this but her.

"It's your birthright, Meredith. It's your mother's legacy to you"

He gripped a red folder and stretched his hand towards her. His study… a potential world changing study was lingering in the air, an inch from her fingers. She looked up and shifted her attention from brown eyes to blue ones. Derek nodded to her and she took the files from Webber's hand. The Chief sighed in relief and clapped his hands once.

"Ok… just think about it till tonight… and give me an answer"

He patted Sheperd's shoulder on his way out. Meredith arched her brows hearing him whistling down the hallway.

* * *

Callie joined Arizona at a nurses station, she kissed her cheek taking her by surprise.

"Morning…"

"Hey… how are you doing?"

"Perfectly… What is wrong with them?"

She eyed Cristina, Avery and Reed sitting in a corner of the room, apparently doing nothing.

"I don't know…" Robbins sent a furtive glance to the residents and spotted Bailey approaching resolutely. "But we will soon… hey Bailey"

"Hey ladies"

She looked thoughtful and mad and Arizona looked at her.

"Troubles in paradise?"

"What do you mean?"

Robbins' smile fell hearing hints of scold in Miranda's voice and seeing the cold gaze she was giving her.

"Well… nothing… it's just… you didn't say anything about Ben for a long and… I thought that… maybe you could… have problems" she trailed off rambling, squinting under the strict look her college was giving her.

"I have no problem. But curious people who just can't mind their own business"

Arizona's mouth opened in shock and then closed. She swallowed and looked at Miranda smiling.

"I am just worried about you and… I just thought you could need… a friend… someone to talk to… but…" she shrugged looking back to her folder and Bailey looked up, sensing maybe this time she had been too harsh.

"Ben and me are good. Great even. And my son finds him… nice. But there's nothing more I want to share with the big hospital"

She rolled her eyes to make her friends realize there were nurses close. Arizona's face lit up.

"What about lunch today?"

"Excuse me?"

"We could take something from the cafeteria and close somewhere to talk. It's been a long time since we last did it… please" She bit her lower lip and pouted at her.

"Torres… is your wife really doing puppy eyes to me?"

"I think she is"

"Well stop doing it!" she hissed and Arizona recoiled. "I have a little boy who makes puppy eyes to me every day and guess what? I say no to him. So just take off that face. I'm going to have this stupid lunch with you anyway"

"Really?" Robbins clapped her hands enthusiastically and Bailey rolled her eyes.

"Just drop it now before I change my mind"

She went back to her chart and Arizona glared at Torres who winked at her. They both gloated for a moment before going back to work. Bailey closed her chart and she sighed when she spotted the residents busy doing what they were told not to do.

"What's up?" Calliope asker her.

"Nothing… the morons are trying to impress the chief… doing nothing"

Torres giggled, a sudden memory of her as Chief Resident raising in her head.

"Chief Resident Contest is up… they're volunteering to hell. It was the most useless job on earth"

"You said that as you got fired…"

Arizona glared at Bailey and then at Torres.

"Excuse me?"

"Have a nice morning… See you at 13.00"

Bailey walked away but Arizona's eyes were fixed on her girlfriend.

"Did you get fired from Chief Resident?"

"Yes… well… no. I kind of left it after… three days"

"Why?"

"I wasn't cut for it. I didn't want to schedule Ors for others, I want to be in. And you know me… I'm chaotic and… mess up everything I touch so… the Chief asked me to go and I gave it to her"

"I didn't get appointed as Chief Resident…"

"Little deal… it's crap…"

Arizona sighed and Callie got she had something which bothered her.

"What?"

"Nothing… I'm… bored. I don't have any good case. That's why I came up with this crazy lunch idea"

"It's not crazy… it's cute. We'll have some girl to girl time. And know news about Bailey's life… We should invite Teddy too…"

"Good idea… I send her a message now"

She walked away, typing a message. She stopped when she reached the point where the residents were fooling time waiting for Webber.

"Are you all free this morning?"

Nobody answered, they all looked away trying to avoid her eyes.

"Because I happen to be going for rounds and… I'd really appreciate a hand…"

Nobody answered and she frowned.

"Let's see… I happen to remember I worked with Karev a couple of weeks ago… with Avery… Yang… it's better I don't take you to my department or you'll scare my kids… so this leaves us to you, Adamson"

Reed looked up, a shy smile on her face.

"I'm…" she tried to find an excuse but nothing came to her head.

"Good… let's go"

She walked away and Reed had to follow her.

* * *

Teddy was wandering in a hallway of a building, she looked around disoriented, searching for the address she was given. She didn't expect this. She didn't expect to be called the day after Henry's discharge. She didn't expect him to call her, not after the spat they had in his room. She had said out loud that she needed space so… this came unexpected. Good hitch though. When she picked up the phone that morning, she was surprised, worried as she got he wasn't good. But she felt relieved too. Relieved he was leaning on her, relieved he hadn't cut her off, relieved she could help. And happy she could see him. She finally found herself in front of the apartment n. 15 and knocked. She waited for some second and Henry appeared on the doorframe, visibly shivering for the cold. His arms were crossed around his sides, he was trying to warm himself a bit.

"Hey"

His eyes lit up and Teddy smiled. He showed her the living room and went sitting on the couch. Her eyes scanned quickly the room, the flat looked small but welcoming. But what got her attention immediately was the low temperature.

"I'm sorry. The place is, uh..." he shivered again and Teddy got closer, she sat near him dropping a bag on the floor.

"You were just supposed to tell me if this is normal or if I need to... if need to go to the hospital"

"Did you check your blood sugar?"

He didn't look pale, he had a short, one day beard and Teddy found him sexy and adorable. Not what she was here for. ..

"Uh, 56, but I don't have any juice. I just have half a can of diet soda, so..."

"Okay, okay"

She took his forearm and felt his pulse, his hands were frozen but the rate was fine. Henry lingered a moment to look at her, it was early morning but she was perfectly dressed, perfectly combed, perfectly made up. A torturous thought crossed his mind and he snorted. He had been so worried about his condition that he hadn't thought she could be busy… she looked like she was busy as she was stunning. No woman he had ever known was so stunning at home.

"Oh, damn it. Look at you"

His eyes travelled down her body and she looked down, sure she would find a spot on her skirt or something out of place. Apparently she had messed up somewhere she couldn't see. What?

"What?"

"You look amazing. You were on a date, weren't you?"

Teddy smirked, she had to fight a laughter. There was nothing wrong in laughing at him, he was so… she couldn't even find the word. Henry didn't realize she was amused, he went on in his self-deprecation.

"I made you come here in the middle of a date"

He was rambling and she found it cute, but she had to stop it.

"Henry… the only date you wasted was the one I had with my cannolis …"

"Excuse me?"

"I enrolled on a cooking course… I was there when you called and…"

Henry was looking at her strangely and she felt ridiculous. She hadn't told anyone about this stuff, her colleges would think she had gone crazy. And now Henry was thinking that too.

"I know it's crap but… I just thought it could be a good way to take some space and time for me… to do something else"

"It's great"

Teddy smiled and blushed against her own will. Henry had this rare and wonderful quality: he made her feel beautiful and special even when she was a moron.

"It's not… I know you say it just to be nice but… you don't need to"

Henry's brows arched and Teddy started to rummage in her bag.

"Anyway… we were making cannolis so… it is exactly what someone needs when they're having a hypoglycemic episode"

She fished out a packet and set it on the table, she started to unwrap the contents, licking her fingers were sugar deposited on them.

"Okay… so… how good are you in this course?"

Teddy looked up, her thumb still in her mouth.

"What?"

"Are you skilled as cooker as… no offense but… you're asking me to be your guinea pig so… I just need a recommendation and… did you teacher make one or…"

Teddy smiled and giggled.

"I'm an awful cooker but… surprise… this is the first time I don't burn anything"

"So I should try one…"

He gestured to the desserts on the table and Teddy smiled.

"Yeah…"

"Your Guinea pig and Webber's pig …" He took one cannolo and rolled it in his fingers, he hesitantly set it in his mouth chewing. Teddy was looking at him expectantly.

"So?"

"Not bad…"

"You see… I have a recommendation now…"

Henry giggled, wiping sugar and crumbs out of his mouth.

"I like you but… not that much"

"Ungrateful …"

* * *

Meredith was walking down the hallway smiling to herself. She thought her last days at work would have been boring and empty and… would suck. On the contrary, the wheel turned and the medical world was now at her feet. Derek had asked her back in the trial and she was actually going to meet her new patient. Richard had asked her in a really promising general trial, the thing Cristina and the others were drooling on for weeks.

Now she got it...

They weren't stalking the Chief just for the Chief Resident thing, this was the big, secret project everyone wanted in. And she had the chance to. The very first chance. The first choice. She hadn't cleared her mind about it yet, it had been so sudden and unexpected and… she really wanted to think about it. Really think. As too many things were on the plate here and she couldn't make a wrong step. She didn't want to screw up.

This day was going to be really emotional. The patient she was going to meet was young, 45, a woman. With a kid, a young kid. On top of that, after the papers and the preparations, Derek and her were going to meet Adele downstairs for the final row of tests. He had ran a lot of scans, labs, everything. And just like her, he had found anything. Or, at least, that was what he told her. As she clearly could see he was worried and, knowing Derek, he had found something he didn't want to talk about, something they had missed. Something which had pushed her to be his student. As he saw things, he saw great marks where others saw clear scans.

She took a deep breath where she finally arrived out of the room, she picked up the chart from the nurses station and went in.

"Hey… good morning everyone"

"Good morning"

The woman was young, and she looked even younger than her 45 years. She was blond and had beautiful, calm, deep green eyes. Her husband was with her and from a metallic noise coming from the corner of the room, she got the kid was too. He looked to be 7 or 8 top, he was blond and cute.

"_Not cute as ours… but cute"_

She remembered she used this line with Derek an year ago, he froze hearing these words and went on freaking out for the following two days. She thought she had frightened him, scared him as he didn't want her crappy babies with crappy DNA. Actually, she had just given him the evidence she was finally ready to commit. And he had a ring. And he wanted to get married. But, as always in their story, the twist was waiting round the corner. As Jen, the beautiful woman who was going to have a cute but not cute as theirs baby, died under his watch and Derek lost it, Derek, who had gone emotional with her, who liked her, who had promised her she would be fine. Meredith stroke her belly as she felt her heart squeezing painfully. What was of that baby? What was of that guy? She knew Derek still blamed himself for her death, it was a wound which would never heal. Her eyes crossed the boy's look and she went back to reality.

"I'm dr. Grey and I'm going to prepare you for your procedure"

"Thank you"

"So… here I have the last forms to fill" she handled her the papers and the woman took them. She started to scribble, her hand shaking lightly. She sighed when she finished and gave the papers back to Meredith.

"Is it fine if I make you some more question?"

"Of course"

"Have there been any changes to your memory in the last week or so?"

"Oh, I don't... I don't think it's worse" Her face said differently though "Went to see Dr. Kesten, and, couldn't figure out what floor he's on, but that's... that's always the case"

"Did you have a problem or was that scheduled?"

"No, well, he's... he's the one who first diagnosed me, and I was kind of angry when he said it was Alzheimer's. I... I called him a quack. I figured I should apologize"

"Well, I'm sure he gets that a lot… Have there been any changes in your schedule in the last week or so?"

"I... I don't work, and I got lost on the way to the post office, so I don't do so many errands"

"So how about your sleeping and your eating?"

"Well, we have, uh, breakfast together before the boys leave"

"And lunch?"

She looked at her with pure panic and then turned to face her husband. It was clear she didn't remember anything of her routine. Not without a push at least. But the man's expression changed too. He looked apologetically to Meredith.

"Well, I... I'm not home till pretty late, so I... I don't know..."

Silence fell in the room till a tiny voice broke it. Kyle's voice.

"Half a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Well, I make one when we get home, and we share it"

"Okay. And what about the drugs... any side effects?"

Mrs. Dell thought a minute and then shook her head.

"No"

"Okay"

Meredith started to write these few information, but the boy interrupted again.

"The pink ones make you thirsty"

The woman looked at his son like she had just realized he was there too. Her face relaxed and she nodded.

"Right, right"

"And water helps with that?"

Meredith popped her the question, but she knew who was going to answer that. Actually, Kyle spoke again.

"Yeah"

"Okay. Very good"

She put down the chart and picked up the basin the nurse had previously left in the room. She put gloves on and prepared to take some blood.

"I just need to take some blood, ok?"

"Well, if there's any left, it's all yours"

Meredith inserted the needle and the woman flinched. She spoke trying to distract her.

"Well, Dr. Shepherd is going to come up and take a look at you, and if these labs are clean, then we're gonna move you up to the O.R. floor"

"Good"

She took out the probe and pulled off gloves. Both the husband and Kyle approached the bed. Mr. Dell leaned his hands on his son's shoulders.

"Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that mom gets the good stuff, okay?"

"Okay"

The kid looked up to stare at his father's eyes and Meredith spotted something which made her throat dry. There was something on the kid's neck, something which definitely hadn't to be there, something that she hoped wouldn't be what she thought. She tried to calm her rising pressure and addressed to the boy calmly, nonchalantly.

"Hey, Kyle. What's this on your neck?"

"Oh, that's just my bump. It doesn't hurt or anything"

It was really a big bump… awful bump. And it didn't hurt, but was potentially mortally dangerous.

"We've been meaning to make an appointment, but... with everything there's been going on..."

"I'm a full-time job"

"No, you're not, okay. I should've called"

"Well, we have doctors coming out of our ears here. So I'll have someone come up and take a look. It's just one less thing to worry about"

Or, to be precise, a big thing to worry about. As, if Meredith was right, that thing required immediate and urgent surgery. Just a good thing to better the day and the await of the procedure already planned. She gave them all a last, anxious look and then walked away. She happened to remember Adamson had been assigned to peds for the day and she paged her immediately.

* * *

Derek was sitting on the chair behind his desk, in his office.

Dark, gloomy, completely messy office.

He had entered it to pick up some paper, test to run on Adele.

Only this stuff wasn't where it was supposed to be. Or better, it was. Only just below another sea of papers, department documents, financial stuff. Everything that Brad had first volunteered to do when he was up to the ride for Head of Neuro and they were pretending to stand each other. After Richard had reinstated him and they had that little argument in the parking lot, he had adamantly refused to give him a hand. And worse, he had become sloppy and superficial in his papers. Sign that he didn't fool himself and he already knew that his contract wouldn't be renewed once over in ten days. Derek was rummaging in that chaos for ten minutes when he finally spotted what he was looking for. He sighed relieved, or anguished. He was experiencing a certain difficulty to split up his feelings lately. He felt stupid and childish. But dr. Wyatt said it was perfectly fine and normal after all the crap he had been through. He was more emotional, he cried for everything. Only, that God, he had learnt to do it in private.

He stroked his eyes to gain back a little composure, Adele and Richard were waiting downstairs and he needed to be perfectly focused and detached. Only the Chief was doing his best to bother him and his balance. Derek had been feeling constantly his breath on his neck since the morning, since when he had paged him in that conference room to invest him with a river of questions, tried to extort him impressions and opinions and finally given him some more hour to sort things out.

Luckily he had his own trial to think about and Derek was happy about it. He was even happy had asked Meredith in. He wanted her in his own trial, badly. But he had to let her choose, to let her decide what was the best option for her and her career.

He sighed and stood up, ready for the new encounter. He took the papers under his elbow and went out, the light invading the hallway bothering him. He was walking resolutely towards his destination when a voice, familiar and soft, sounded behind his back.

"Sheperd…"

He stopped and turned around to wait for Bailey, welcoming her with a smile.

"Bailey…"

"Are you going down to Adele?"

"Yes… I have some test for her"

She was worried, he could tell. But she looked even concerned about him. Probably she imagined the Chief was pressuring him.

"How is it going with the Chief?"

He breathed out and looked away. It was difficult to explain this. As Richard was worried about his wife, this was normal and absolutely fine and Derek was ready for this, he was trained to deal with agitated relatives. Only things were messed up as the said relative was his boss, his humoral, bully boss. Who had already started to corner him and was trying to mark the territory. And things were only meant to get worse if Adele's problems proved to be serious.

"As expected… he's the Chief…"

He smiled to her trying to sound light and started to walk again. They rounded a corner and entered together the room where the Webbers were waiting for them.

"Here I am" Derek smiled to the woman and leant to kiss her cheek "How are you doing?"

"Fine… and I would be better if you stopped this stupid thing about my head… I'm good"

"We'll see. Now just relax, aren't you happy you'll spend the whole day with me?"

"That's the only thing that cheers me up a bit"

"Good"

He took his penlight and flashed it in her eyes.

"How are you instead? You look to have fatten a bit…"

"I'm fine… love keeps me in line"

"I see… So…when are you going to get married?"

Derek frowned but then relaxed, Meredith and him had got married in secret so… she could really not know it.

"He is already, honey"

Adele rolled her eyes for Richard's pointing out.

"I know… on a post it. I mean a real wedding in a real church with a real couple of rings"

"I did that…"

"What?"

"I'm sorry.. we decided suddenly and we wanted it done privately and secretly. We got married a month or so ago… I hope you'll forgive me"

"Maybe… and what about the honey moon?"

"Our life is every day a honey moon. We don't need fancy journeys or exotic beeches… And then… the baby will be here soon so… it's better to stick around"

"You're right… just promise you'll come to dinner one of these evenings"

"I'd love it"

"I do to. You know I like to have you and Addison around"

A thick silence fell in the room and Adele looked to Derek curious.

"What?"

Derek looked to Richard swallowing. The Chief had been the first to refuse his wife's diagnoses. But it was pretty evident by now that something was really going on. The previous tests he had shown him… these continual messing up details.

"Meredith, honey… Derek is with Meredith"

"Of course"

"You said Addison"

"Did I? It was a slip …"

Richard looked sighing and Adele rolled her eyes.

"Come on… I had a slip … this is not Alzheimer's"

"Adele, the tests we ran in these days showed findings consistent with early-onset Alzheimer's"

"I was a nurse for 30 years, Derek. I know what Alzheimer's looks like. I also know that 20% of the people that are diagnosed with it turn out to have something else. I don't have Alzheimer's. I don't"

Derek nodded and smiled to her, he exited the room sighing, closing her chart and tests to his chest. He turned around when he heard the door closing, Richard and Bailey standing in front of him. He looked straight in Webber's eyes and then looked away breathing out. That's why doctors weren't allowed to take care of family…

"I'm sorry, Richard. You know it… A lot of patients need time to come to terms with their diagnosis. Meredith told me the same thing happened to her mother"

"We don't have time. Derek, we need to get Adele in your trial right now"

Derek's jaw tightened. He flinched sensing this wasn't a request. But he was the head of this trial, he was the guarantor of its regularity. Richard was upset but he had to go back thinking as a doctor.

"We need her consent to even consider her"

"Look, I'll take care of that. Don't worry"

"We don't even know if she fits the criteria. And the trial is full. Even the waiting list is full"

"I know all of that. I also know that you'll do whatever you need to do to help my wife"

He stormed away and Derek started to pace in the room. He needed to calm down.

"Sheperd…"

"I'm fine, Bailey"

"He'll go back thinking straight again… you know that"

"I do… Meredith should be ready with my patient. I'll see you later, ok?"

He walked away and Miranda sighed. She hoped Webber would gain his nerve back. As she truly didn't know how much of this abuse Derek could take without snapping back.

* * *

Mark was sitting in the cafeteria by himself and Lexie spotted him. She smiled widely noticing his form curled on the table, some biscuit in front of him, a newspaper abandoned randomly. She approached him from behind, snaking a hand under his nose and stealing a biscuit. Before he had the time to react, she sat on the chair near him grinning.

"Hey… you eat too much sugar, you know?"

"Not I have anything better to do by now"

He mumbled the answer and set another sweet in his mouth, chewing it energetically.

"Do you remember when you and Derek were fighting because of me and I kept eating like a pig?"

"How could I not? I had to be really in love not to notice your growing ass"

Lexie frowned chewing her own cookie.

"What would that mean?"

"What?"

"That you had to be really in love?"

Mark raised his brows and Lexie hit his hand. She straightened up on her chair.

"Had to be? Like past tense? Like it was different then?"

She was furious and Mark found her lovely. Her brows furrowed in a special way and she started to ramble when she was mad, something she had in common with her sister, big Grey, and, finally, with her father. Her nose crinkled in way which was just hers and her eyes… her eyes turned dark green. Wasn't she beautiful? Only he thought better to keep serious or she would reinstate the ascetic period. She went on and on with her charade.

"Would you care if I grew fatter? As you know… women do that… When they go on with age, they grow fatter and… their buttocks drop and… why would you care if I don't?"

"You don't care you take weight?" he set another biscuit in his mouth and tried to control his grin the better he could. But her answer froze his face and jaw too.

"No, I don't care you go old too"

"What?"

His hand lingered midair, his hurt proud merging from his tone.

"You do think you're always the same?"

"Of course I am"

"No, you're not. Your muscles fall… and your hair is graying"

"Grey loves grey…"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that"

She smiled wickedly and jumped on her feet but Mark stopped her, gripping her hand and pulling her towards him. She gulped from the sudden obstacle and found herself sitting on his knees, his face grinning at her and his hands circling her waist.

"Little tease"

"Mark…"

She had still a scold on her face but he kissed it away.

"I was just taking fun of you… you're beautiful and I love you now as before and as ever…"

She smiled, her heart and rage melting hearing these words. He kissed her again and she whispered her forgiveness parting.

"Okay…"

Mark smiled but got somehow serious when she kept silent. She looked at him quizzically.

"What?"

"This should be the time when you say you love me back"

"I do"

"Loved me"

"I did"

"Will love"

"Maybe"

She rolled her eyes and Mark got she was teasing him back.

"And that I'm perfect and handsome and sexy as ever"

She patted his abs and stood up.

"I'd work a bit on that… Love you anyway"

She uttered these words with the same, cocky, Mark's tone and grinned. She started to walk away and Mark felt his own muscles, he breathed in flatting his stomach and patting it.

"See? Perfect…"

* * *

Cristina arrived out of a conference room and saw Owen inside. He had paged her and it was really strange as he never did. Not since she had been assigned to cardio, not since she was not a general resident anymore. But apparently today was different, maybe he knew they were all stalking the Chief, they had nothing to do… maybe he wanted some good time with her girlfriend. The location was strange though, too central. She knocked and closed the door without waiting for his approval, she shut the blinds and approached him, ignoring the look of surprise which crossed his features when he realized what she was doing.

"Cristina…" he stood up welcoming her. To his surprise she attacked his lips, her hands on his face to hold him still. He answered the kiss and enjoyed it. But when he realized it was going further than expected he backed off, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Hey…"

"Hey to you…"

She leant her hands on his shoulders and pushed him backwards, his ass bumping against the table. Owen was twice her size but clearly he was taken aback by her behavior. He stumbled and nearly fell on the desk, Cristina giggled taking his coat off his shoulders, her hand exploring his chest.

"Cristina… what the hell are you doing?"

He stopped her hands and pushed her away gently, straightening his coat.

"I was just trying to be nice"

"Ok but… you never did that… here and… it's…"

"Exciting?"

"No…" her face fell and he tried to make up "well yes… but… I would keep this for later, ok?"

"Ok…" she turned around and opened the blinds, she met his curious and amused look and shrugged "What? If you want to be all chaste and work let them see… They won't think we're having sexy moments"

She sat on a chair and looked up at him.

"So what? Why did you page? Do you have a good case to share with me?"

Owen swallowed feeling the embarrassment raise in his throat. He felt stupid for it but he couldn't control this feeling, the feeling of awkwardness he had been feeling since the Chief had given him this task. He was sure he could be above parts, he could be lucid and impartial. But keeping it from Cristina felt like a betrayal. Only he didn't know how she would take this. Because she was so competitive that she wanted that nominee with all her being, so much that she didn't get it would be a burden and not a praise. She would do everything and he wasn't sure she'd understand his choice if it didn't comply with her wishes. He breathed out and sat near her.

"No, I have no good case" her face was blank and he knew she was wondering what the hell he wanted to screw up her time like that "even because I was appointed with something more important and urgent…"

"Like what?"

"Like choosing the next Chief Resident"

Her eyes showed her excitement before her body did. She jumped off her sit and started pacing in the room.

"That's great… It's…. just awesome…"

Owen felt a wave of panic raising in his stomach. She didn't think he had just chosen her, right?

"Cristina… how is it great?"

She stopped abruptly in the mid of the room, her eyes locking with his. Owen could almost feel her brain working.

"Oh… oh God… it's awful" she sat back on the chair and looked at him "as if you chose me they'd think you did as I'm your girlfriend… Oh God! It's a bad bad thing" she covered her eyes with both hands and Owen had to fight a chuckle. "Who the hell had this crappy idea?"

"The Chief… he said he was too busy to do it so… he asked me"

"Then say no!"

"What?"

"Tell him you're too busy and you don't like this stuff… Pass it to someone else"

"I can't Cristina… He trusted me and I'm honored he did"

"So you have just forgotten about me?"

"How can you think that?"

"He made you promise you wouldn't pick me?"

"Of course not… he trusts me in this and I hope you do too"

"I will if you look at me and tell me you won't cut me out just as I'm with you"

"How do you think I would? It never crossed my mind"

She nodded and stood up. She reached the door knob and turned to face him.

"The others will hate me…"

"I'll love you for the all of them"

Her lips curled in a smile and then she got serious.

"I'm screwed…"

She went out shutting the door behind her back.

* * *

Meredith was with Reed and Robbins in a visit room. Adamson had paged her as Kyle' scans were ready. She went in there hoping to get a good news. But from the images she had spotted, it wasn't the case.

Her fears became reality when Reed spoke.

"At first I thought it was a benign cyst, but it looks like it's probably a cystic hygroma"

Right what Meredith had feared from the beginning. It was huge and spread, Kyle's airways were going to close off and this meant Robbins had to operate soon, like today soon.

"We could move your diverticulectomy. Or maybe Dr. Stark has time for it"

Meredith looked at her, almost pleading. Dr. Stark was an ass, to say it nicely. He was rude with kids, nasty with their parents. And his colleges really hated him. That's why Webber didn't have second thoughts to pick Robbins over him when the previous head of Peds stroke out. Instead of opening his eyes about his reputation and pushing him to make a self-conscience exam, this only embittered him more. His behavior went from awful to unbearable, his manners always on the line between bluntness and impoliteness. The only surgeon who stood to have lunch with him was Brad, and this said it all.

They heard steps in the room and Mc Frustrated made his way in, apparently he had overheard the last part of their conversation.

"Dr. Stark has time for what?"

From the indolence and flatness he uttered this sentence, Meredith hoped Robbins would give her schedule a second thought. By now she really loved the woman. She was all smiley trying to communicate with her ass of a coworker.

" I've got a diverticulectomy. We're hoping that you could take it, 'cause this hygroma needs to come out right away"

He moved his eyes to the scans.

"Oh, good lord. Why did you wait so long? This thing is a time bomb"

Arizona bit her tongue in time. She always tried to be nice and Stark didn't lose time to point out he was the best, to let her feel like dirt. Only he only thought this of himself, the others knew why he was overstepped by a younger college for the position. Right what happened to Shadow Sheperd. Suckers. Robbins put on her best face and explained calmly.

"We just saw the patient for the first time today"

"Well, so what, the parents don't have health insurance?"

Meredith's blood boiled. Why couldn't he just shut up and say if he had time or not? But Robbins had traced the line to follow and she tried to be civil as well.

"They do"

"Well, why didn't they get this kid to a doctor?"

"Kyle's mother has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed a few months ago, and the father has been working like a dog so their insurance doesn't lapse. And Kyle's taking care of his mom as much as anyone's taking care of him. They're just underwater right now"

He sighed and Meredith did too. Apparently he had got the drill and would stop bitching.

"Yeah, all right. I will call protective services"

"What?"

The three female doctors spoke together, rage creeping out of this short, little word.

"At least one of you here understood that, right?"

He took the scans off the screen, sign he had decided to take the case. Only he was going to do worse than better. Meredith stopped his way.

"You can't take Kyle away from his parents"

"You just told me they're not caring for their son"

" They are dealing with an extraordinary set of circumstances"

"This happens all the time. That's why the state set up a whole department to deal with this"

Meredith looked to Robbins, she was the head of the department and she had to deal with this stubborn, useless doctor.

"Dr. Stark..."

"You've got a surgery to perform, assuming the patient's airway is not already closed. If it has, well, he's probably dead, and then, well, yeah, nobody has to call anybody, right?"

Robbins' face was as tensed as Meredith had never seen it. But Stark was enjoying this. He was the surgeon on the case now. If he wanted, he could call whoever he wanted. He was in the high of vengeance.

"And dr. Grey here has a fancy trial to go back to… so… this routine procedure won't fit her qualities and talents. I think Brad is free so… let me have Kyle's parents' consent to surgery. Have a nice day, my ladies"

He walked away and Meredith's face went red. Robbins touched her arm to stop her.

"Dr. Grey… Let's think straight, right?"

"Ok, but you have to call him off"

"Well, we could call a social worker, have 'em go in and say hello, ask if they need any help. It'll placate him"

"No, because once you're in the system, it'll only get worse. You're registered as a parent who neglects his kid. It's over. You have to call him off"

"I can't do that, you know it. Believe me, I like it way less than you do"

"I really don't think so. Kyle is taking care of his mother, but they're doing the best they can"

"Maybe Derek's drug helps her"

"Or she could get the placebo, and in 18 months, she doesn't even know who Kyle is. We can't let their last

couple of years together become some nightmare where they're fighting to keep Kyle in their house. It's enough of a nightmare already"

She walked away. She wanted to help, they would be worried about Kyle's surgery, they couldn't worry also about someone taking away their son.

* * *

Bailey opened the door of the attending lounge, the place she had to meet the others fellow females. She smiled to Teddy and Callie, who were both sitting on the couch, their lunches still packed on the table.

"Hey… Am I late?"

"No, Arizona is"

"So what? She organizes this and then backs off?"

"She texted me she has a rough case… but she's gonna make it"

"Rough case?" Miranda opened her tray and took a carrot, she started biting it.

"Yeah… apparently she fought with Stark again…"

"Why am I not surprised about that?"

"As the man is an ass and he's being bossy all around. Only this time a kid's wellbeing is involved"

"Isn't always in peds?"

"What is it… the questioning day?"

Bailey shrugged and the door opened, Robbins stormed inside snorting, disappointment painted all over her face. Callie's face tensed and she stood to welcome her.

"How did it go?"

"What do you think? I can't tell him out of it and he's going to blow what remains of that family"

She sat and Torres sat near her, her hand rubbing her back soothingly. Bailey was still eating her vegetables.

"Care to explain us?"

"Grey asked me a consult for her patient's son. The boy has a cystic hygroma, I asked Stark to operate on him. And he will, but he'll call social services too"

"Why?"

"As the parents didn't come here sooner. Kyle's mother has Alzheimer's and… they kind of neglected the bump on his neck"

"So maybe it's not so wrong doing it…" everyone turned to look at Teddy like she was mad. She blushed under their angry looks "I mean they could help him… making him company"

"They only would take him away… I just feel so bad about all this…"

"You'll sort things out, I'm sure about it"

"And how? That man is just trying to defy me… He wants to do this to prove he's manly or… whatever…"

"Men… they always try to prove something more than necessary. And they hate to be put under by women" Teddy finished her sentence and then put a cannolo into her mouth. Bailey specified her thinking.

"In every field…"

All the three of them looked at her and Bailey frowned.

"What?"

"Nothing… it sounded dirty…"

"As it was… her and Ben… they became famous users of OC rooms…"

"We didn't…"

"You did… and I'm really proud of you. He's really cute"

"He's not cute, he's hot"

"Hey… stop talking about him like that! Didn't you change your flag and went into women?"

"I did, calm down. But I still have eyes. And he's a good looking man"

They ate for a moment and then Bailey realized what Altman was eating.

"Don't you have a normal lunch? That stuff must be full of fats and sugars…"

"Unlike us, she can do it, Bailey" Callie patted her soft belly meaningfully and Bailey aggressed a potato.

"I have cooked them myself this morning so… it felt bad to trash them"

"Did you wake up and cook cannolis? That's gross…"

"I didn't…" they were all staring at her and she licked her fingers "Ok… I enrolled to cooking lessons, ok? Just laugh your ass off me but… I did. And it's fun. And Henry liked them too this morning so… I might be good at it"

"Henry is coming too?"

"Nope… he had some trouble this morning and called me. I brought them to him"

"So the time you needed to think at this romance?"

"I buried it. But we're just seeing each other as friends…"

Her cell beeped and she took it. Her lips twitched in a smile before she could realize it. Callie quirked a brow at her.

"Is this your friend Henry?"

"Yeah… he said my sweets raised his sugar level"

"Everything starts like that… till it won't raise anything different"

Teddy nearly choked on her coffee. She looked stunned to Bailey.

"Excuse me?"

"What? She invited me to talk about mature relationships… don't lose time pretending to be Red Hat. I bet 50 bucks you'd fall for the guy the first time I laid my eyes on you. And I'm winning… I guess I'll have to book OC rooms in a while…"

"Well… Callie and I… we never do it here"

"Baby?"

"What? I just want to make it clear in case they hear sounds coming out of it. We wouldn't be the ones to blame"

"Just like someone would care who that is… With Mark, Bailey and all the others going at it… I'm surprised the Chief didn't instate strict rules and protocols to occupy the rooms"

"He could as well install cameras…"

"Yeah… and sell the movies …."

Bailey burst out laughing and the others followed too. The hilarious moment lasted for some second till Bailey broke it.

"This looks more like the horny attending party…"

Callie smiled to her, her hand gripping Arizona's.

"No, it's just happy attending party. We deserved that… we all deserve that. And I hope your expectations won't be broken by those stupid men"

"They're not stupid…" Teddy argued and Robbins smiled.

"First stage of infatuation… not realizing defects and enjoying crappy food"

"Shut up"

* * *

Mark joined Derek at the cafeteria, he set his tray on the table sitting gravely near his friend.

His face was serious and Derek grinned while chewing his salad, noticing the unusual food his buddy had chosen, a salad with tomatoes.

"Are you on dietetic regime?"

"Just trying to achieve damage control"

"Damage control? What is it? Your cholesterol is too high?"

"No, Lexie told me I'm getting fat and old"

"Oh… wow… how nice from her…"

He took another fork of his lunch and Mark scrunched his nose. Derek frowned, his lettuce still midair.

"What?"

"You were supposed to defend me… say it's not true… say I'm still the body"

"Why would I say that? It's not I care about your figure. And you never did yourself so…"

"I do"

"You don't… You've always been lazy and leaving on what mother nature gave you. But Lexie is right… You need to work and sweat to keep the fit"

"Yeah… as you do it…"

"I do. Playing basketball and golf and health nut. Witness the outfit"

Derek gestured to his flat stomach and Mark rolled his eyes. He set a bite of salad in his mouth. He grimaced tasting it.

"That's crap" he put the fork down and wiped his mouth in disgust.

"You need to suffer to appear, Markie"

"You're so wrong in this… Poor fellows need to suffer, I'm a natural"

Derek giggled nodding.

"So why is Little Grey saying this stuff to you?"

"She just wanted to turn me one"

Derek arched his brows and grinned.

"Saying you're not so desirable anymore?"

"I'm totally desirable"

"Really?"

"You'd like to be as desirable as me"

"Keep say yourself that… Women spent all their money for me not later that a couple of weeks ago"

"Lonely women with no future…"

"You're jealous…"

"Never"

"We could go to Joe's and give it another try… with you this time… I'd die to see who buys your ass"

He set a carrot in his mouth and chewed it happily.

"Just screw the fit… I'm gonna have a steak"

Mark stood up and walked to the self-restaurant.

When Derek looked up from his plate he saw Owen entering the bar. He waved a hand in his direction and Hunt approached, taking a sit across the table.

"Hey… not eating?"

"Yeah… I had a very abundant breakfast this morning… Cristina insisted to cook and it was like a wedding menu"

"Cristina's cooking? Sounds like the end of the world"

"It was… I feel like I need something to unplug my stomach"

He rubbed his belly and Derek smiled, he spotted Mark coming back and his lips twitched up in a smile noticing a huge amount of fries and ketchup on his plate.

"That's a meal!" Owen looked at him doubtful, clenching his aching stomach tighter. Derek laughed.

"Don't come cry to me when Little Grey dumps your sorry ass for a younger horse"

"She'd be a stupid to do it"

Derek spotted her sister in law sitting at a table with her fellows interns, she was genuinely laughing for something one of her male friends had just said to her.

"Uhm uhm…"

Mark followed his gaze and noticed Lexie, she was leaning against the young doctor's shoulder to get the words he was probably whispering her. Mark's face tensed, his jaw tightening.

"Looks like a cute colt…"

"Shut the fuck up, Derek. That guy is going to do my laundry for the next three months"

"What's going on?"

Owen was grinning for the exchange of lines, it was clear that Sheperd was joking with Sloan and what was more amusing was that Mark was completely falling into his net. He was irritable and touchy and so much of an easy target. He snorted hearing the question Hunt popped him. Derek answered for him.

"Nothing… he's just having a middle age crisis"

"I'm not"

"You are… You know Hunt… Mark is a man who just can't take the changes. He still feels like the twenty years old who could sleep two hours per night and shine the day later"

"You can tell…"

"Well… good for you as I can't"

Mark looked up to him.

"Me neither…"

He turned to look at Hunt.

"Time passes, Mark. We don't realize it, but it does, every day. And it's useless to fight it. So we just need to adapt to the change, grow healthy habits, play sport, train our body, have good night sleeps. And take advantage from the weapons maturity gives us"

"What would those be? Wrinkles and wisdom?"

"Appeal and charm. You can't compete to that chick showing up muscles. It would kill you"

"So what? Talking about the sense of the universe?"

Owen burst out laughing and Derek rolled his eyes. He stood up picking up his tray and empty plate.

"I don't even know why I waste my time with you… Just screw your brain, Mark… This befits you"

He walked away and Mark froze. His hand rested midair, still holding his glass. Owen looked at him strangely.

"He's a genius!"

"What?"

"I know what I have to do now"

* * *

Meredith had just come out of mrs. Dell's room. She was leaning at the nurses station with Reed and they were both drained for the scene they had to assist seconds before.

They had blown the news about Kyle's condition and the procedure he had to endure and that part had gone smoothly. Surprisingly. Maybe because they had pointed out the importance of surgery but avoided the possible consequences of this illness, luckily they had found out and it was useless to scare them with death and choking. But when social services came in the mix... the bomb blew up. Kyle's father got they didn't want just to take a look, they wanted to make sure their son was loved and taken care of, probably they already thought he wasn't. And Mrs Dell lost it, she got up and was ready to leave. And then the magic came again. Kyle started to sing a song and she calmed down, she went back to her bed and everybody was ready to meet anyone. He was the kid, the sick boy, but he was stronger than everyone else.

Meredith had promised not to do that, but right now she was thinking if her son would be in Kyle's shoes some year from now. She rubbed her belly sighing. If was useless to think that, it was pointless. As she couldn't change her fate anyway, she could get sick, she couldn't. She could end up drooling on Derek, she could be the one holding him upright. Unfortunately, or luckily, life had a plan for everyone. And they held some cards, not all. Even the Chief's situation was borderline now. He had won his wife back recently, probably made up for his previous mistakes. He had avoided to live the drama of Alzheimer's with her mother, he was up in the game now with Adele. There was no escape to karma. Karma really kicked ass...

Their trial looked so little now in front of all of that...

Their trial... Had she the right to think like that? It was Derek's baby and Meredith felt he was his favorite creature. He had enjoyed and hated the glioma trial, he had worked for it with all his strength and talent, but the Alzheimer's trial owned his heart and soul. And not just for its medical importance... It was more like a call. And Meredith was scared and ecstatic at the same time. Scared how he would feel he failed, ecstatic to see him joyful like a baby in the candy store.

And this brought her back to the choice she had to pick within the day.

Someone patted her shoulder and she startled, she hadn't realized she wasn't alone anymore.

"Earth to Meredith"

"Hey"

She smiled genuinely to her friend leaning to the nurses station. She had been so busy that it was the first time they had the chance to meet and share two words.

"You didn't come to lunch"

"I was busy with my patient"

"Uhm uhm..." she was chewing chips and Meredith stole one. Cristina swatted her hand.

"Ouch"

"I got a bad news... I need crappy food to cheer up"

Meredith scrubbed her hands to throw the left salt away.

"What happened?"

Cristina looked at her and then her gaze drifted away. She swallowed and Meredith got she repented to have spilled that sentence.

"It's fine if you don't want to talk about it"

"I won't be Chief Resident"

Meredith looked at her frowning.

"The Chief told you?"

"No"

"So what... Did you screw up one of your cases or..."

"Owen will pick the name"

"Oh..."

"Webber didn't have time or whatever... He decided to delegate and chose Owen to run the dance"

"And told him to let you out?"

"No but... I know him... He says he can do it... Be my boyfriend and eventually choosing me but... He won't do that"

She rolled into a ball the empty bag and trashed it. She leaned against the desk too and Meredith looked carefully to her. She didn't look pissed or mad, just resigned. Probably Owen had found the right words, or most likely Cristina was crossing the bridge before coming to it. She hadn't anything to better her mood. On the contrary...

"Webber asked me in his trial"

As expected her person's eyes narrowed in shock.

"What?"

"You got it... He paged me this morning and asked me in his trial... In front of Derek"

"To do the both?"

"No... What am I ... Wonder woman? I'm supposed to choose by the end of the day"

Cristina snorted and walked away.

"Cristina..." She followed her "What are you... Mad at me?"

"No... But I'm not going to stay here with you wavering to decide what kick ass trial to keep under your belt"

"Well... Thank you for your support"

Cristina turned to face her, her hands resting on her hips.

"Support for what? You don't have to take a life changing decision, Mer. It's about what you prefer to do, who you want to work with. I guess I already know it and you do too. And anyway... You'll survive... Pretty good"

"So you don't hate me..."

"Just a bit... Don't screw it up, Mer"

"What do you think I'm trying to do here? I'm happy you know what I'm going to do as I have no idea. There's just so much stuff in my head right now... That kid, my patient, the Chief's wife... Everything is messing up and mixing up and I can't decide what's better... Leaving this mess behind, looking away or just... Take the plunge"

"It's up to you where to crash..."

"I knew I could count on you"

"I've just known I'll have to live with Adamson or Avery or Karev as Chief resident. Did you really expect me to give you my best shoulder?"

Meredith arched her brow and then shook her head. Cristina started to walk away but a sudden thought crossed Meredith's mind.

"Wait!"

"What now?"

"Did you just say Avery or Adamson or Karev?"

Cristina opened her arms in question.

"So?"

"What about me? Am I out too?"

"That goes without saying... Hunt or not"

* * *

Teddy crossed the hallway in her street clothes, she had experienced a really bad day. It was rotation time and she had to work with a sloppy and superficial resident, nothing to do with the robotic precision Cristina spoiled her with. Luckily she had her cannolis to raise her mood, a good amount of sugar and fats was scientifically proved to better the spirit of everyone. And she made no difference. Her friends hadn't laughed of her when she had shared the cooking lessons thing, after all they were all women, successful surgeons, it was normal to pursue leisures different from medicine. They were buried in tough cases and studies all day, they needed something light, something to distract their brain. And cooking was also a good way to train her cutting talent and ability, the others looked at her with wide eyes when she chopped carrots and vegetables, her teacher was scared she would severe her fingers or whatever. But she couldn't help it... the rush and top speed she maneuvered the knife with. She wanted to change subject for a while, but surgery was deep in her soul and habits. She had never taken into consideration gym or sport, she was not suitable for that. She was too puny, she liked it when she played football with other soldiers in Iraq... But that was Iraq, it was another life. And she was another person. She loved another man. Now everything was different. After years of illusions and disillusions, she could really say out loud that she was over Owen. Her heart was starting to beat again and for another person. What this would mean... well... It was too early to say it. She raised her eyes towards the sliding door of the hospital exit and she stopped seeing Henry coming in. He spotted her too and smiled, she rushed towards him.

"What's wrong? Do you feel bad again?"

"No... I don't... I just..." he giggled rolling his eyes and Teddy smiled too amused "I just wanted to come here and thank you for this morning help. You were really kind and caring and I... Just wanted to thank you"

"There was no need to do it, really"

"Yes, instead... Nobody has ever done this to me"

"And I'm happy I'm doing it"

"So good... There's something we agree on. I'm happy too"

There was something magnetic in his green eyes and Teddy blushed adjusting her purse to occupy her hands in something. When she looked up to him he was still giving her that warm, hypnotic gaze.

"So will you let me buy you a drink and maybe something to eat to pay my dues?"

"It's not really necessary, Henry"

She shook her head but her eyes moved to his hand stretching towards her.

"Will you?"

She smiled and nodded. She took his hand and they walked outside together. And it felt great to her, it felt right, it felt good. They crossed together the parking lot, illuminated by some hollow lamp. They met on their way to Joe's some doctor and nurse and she greeted them, she didn't care if they would gossip about this, finally they were friends and she had every right to accept a drink from him. He pushed the bar door open and kept it wide for her, she smiled to his chivalry and stepped in. All the noises and smells of Joe's invested her but it wasn't unpleasant, this was like a second home to her. She took Henry's hand again and led him through the tables and stools to her favorite and usual spot, a little corner near the juke box, hidden from all the rest of the wide and crowded room. She dropped on the chair and left him space near her. If she felt completely at ease, it was pretty clear Henry had never been there before, he was studying the environment and furniture, the people around. Teddy wondered when was the last time he had a drink in a bar with someone...

"What do you think?"

"It's... Nice"

"It is. It's some kind of a second house for us... A lot of people come here after the shift to drink something... Do you see the little group of women near the counter?"

Henry scanned the room and his eyes rested on the object of their speech, he recognized some of the faces.

"They are nurses..."

"Right... and if you stay here for some time, you'll see all my colleagues arrive and stop by for one..."

She raised her hand to catch the waitress' attention, when she turned around Henry was looking at her seriously.

"What?"

"Don't you bother they see us together?"

"Definitely not"

Butterflies flew in her stomach when she noticed a new spark in his eyes. The moment was broken when Joe's friendly and energetic voice sounded behind her back.

"Hey doc... the usual?"

"Yes, with a double cheeseburger please"

Joe stopped scribbling and his eyes rested on the young man he had never seen before. Even Henry was silent and Teddy broke the pause.

"Joe... This is Henry... Henry... Joe"

"Nice to meet you"

"My pleasure... So... What do I bring you?"

"A coke, please... A coke will be fine"

"Here in a minute..."

The bartender walked away and Teddy coked her head to one side stroking her neck.

"So you took me out for dinner and don't eat anything?"

"I guess I exhausted my calories need with your powerful breakfast... Breakfast is the most important meal of the day... Did you know that?"

"Yeah... I happen to remember someone told me"

* * *

Derek was sitting in his study, a fuming cup of black coffee on his desk. His scrub cap was resting on a pile of documents and he was finishing to update the report of the day's trial activities. Mrs. Dell's surgery had gone smoothly and, to everyone's excitement, she had been delegated to get the drug. Meredith's eyes shining in enthusiasm were still vivid in Derek's mind, it was right like he had imagined this, her being with him in the Or in the first injection of the active agent. And he was even happy as he was aware the case had been tough. First of all as for the traits of the patient and her family history, secondly for the complications added by the son's new found disease. Meredith had updated him when she had found out about Kyle's problem and the necessity of surgery, she had updated him about their problems with Stark and the social services involvement,

He had himself paid visit to the Dells to reassure them about everything. And finally they had succeeded to calm that woman and have her face her surgery with a good state of mind. All of this while in the opposite OR Stark and Brad, a good asses team, were operating on her boy. Both surgeries turned out to be a success and now all what Derek needed was a good coffee and a moment of break before diving again in Adele's problem.

It had been constantly on his mind. Because he knew where her draw was leading them, he had no doubt by now on her diagnoses. She had Alzheimer's, even Richard had said it out loud. The problem was getting if there was something he could do for her. Because, willing or not, his hands were tied on the trial. He had settled the rules and limits himself, Webber had approved them in accordance with the FDA supervisor and now it was impossible to round the protocol. He couldn't let her in the trial... Not short term... even if she fitted the criteria, and it was still to prove, he couldn't let her in. Unless someone stepped down. Which, by now, was really unlikely. He raised his eyes when he heard someone knock to the doorframe. His irises focused Richard's frame and he straightened up tensing, he had the feeling this was not a courtesy visit. Since their encounter in the morning when Richard informed him about his intention to ask Meredith into his own trial, their interaction had deteriorated hour after hour. As Richard was acting like a worried husband and was pressing him in every possible way. And Derek got that. Only he couldn't accept and bend to his boss pushing him for personal reasons. He couldn't let him interfere with the natural process of the trial, of the patients' recruitment and treatment. All this while he was himself genuinely and truly concerned and sorry for Adele, a woman he considered like a step mother. He breathed out waiting for a new assault.

"Chief..."

Webber made some step in the room, placing his hands on his hips. He was smiling though, so his intentions weren't so clear.

"Uh, Derek. I need a favor" Sheperd's face stayed blank and Webber went on "I'm applying for an emergency waiver with the FDA. I need you to call the guy that helped you through your trial over there, see if he can push my request through"

Derek's back and shoulders relaxed. He smiled to Richard, almost relieved.

"All right. I'll see what I can do. But you're the chief of surgery. I'm not sure how much more pull I'm gonna have"

He started to scribble on his journal again, his ears registering the sigh coming from his interlocutor. He knew there was something more urgent behind this innocent and fake request.

"There's always ways to work the system, Derek. We both know that"

Sheperd dropped his pen on the open page, he sighed looking straight into Richard's eyes. There was no reason to beat around the bush again.

"I can't put Adele in my trial, Richard. I've looked at it all day"

"Well, go over it again" Richard remarked stubbornly. It was like there was no way out from here, the Chief was refusing any solution which was different from what he wanted.

"You're not hearing me. I love Adele, but I can't pull a patient off the waiting list. It could compromise the whole trial. It could get us blacklisted by the FDA"

"Adele has no future without this!"

Richard's voice raised and Derek flinched. He was about to answer back when a voice came from behind Webber's back, a voice he had been hearing in all difficult moments that day. Bailey was always there when the Chief started to go beyond limits. And if the first time could have been a coincidence, the second a lucky case, the third an odd, the fourth time was too much to believe. She was tracking Webber down and not just for her case.

"Chief..."

"Yes..." his voice was still harsh and commending and Bailey staggered.

"Sorry. It... it's Clara green. You need to come now"

Webber stared for a last moment to Derek and then turned to leave, he didn't say him anything more, he just left. Derek picked up his pen again. He chose to ignore the sympathetic look Miranda was giving him. He didn't want to talk about this and she had a patient.

"Could you close the door on your way out, please?"

* * *

Alex sank on one of the soft stool in front of Joe's counter, he lifted two fingers and this was enough for the bartender to get he wanted his usual, a red beer with a lot of chips. He straightened up to take off his jacket, the air was chilly outside but the temperature in the bar was nice, so his shirt was enough. He looked around, none of his friends was around. Meredith was still worked up with the trial, Cristina went home morning the Chief's trial and the westerns were both on call.

His day had been calm, slow, he had assessed stuff in the clinic, ordered Sloan's charts, checked the post ops. Nothing interesting. Only every now and then these days were good to charge batteries back again, to catch a breath and be ready for what was next. And, in his case, it was pretty meaningful. Sloan and him would be doing a really testing surgery in two days, an old woman needed the reconstruction of her neck, damaged in a car accident. And, from what he heard, it would be difficult, surgery was borderline for the complications and the lady was a good candidate to die on the table.

He had read everything about the procedure and it was really awesome, testing and rare. It was a kind of surgery which you met a few time in a lifetime and he was excited about it. Still... There was something which didn't satisfy him completely in his new specialty, he couldn't place it. Maybe it was depending on Sloan which was a good teacher but a too huge personality with whom fighting, where he was around, nobody didn't give a crap about him, he became a ghost. And, till now, he didn't have his own spaces. Everywhere he went, Sloan was towering him. Apart from frustrating his surgeon being, it frustrated his personality. He'd like to do something on his own, to have a project and work on it, to get some responsibility. And, impossible to think, he appreciated the clinic for this reason. He took another sip of his beer but nearly choked on it when someone bumped against his raised elbow, the liquid spilled on his shirt and pants despite his attempt to back off on time.

"Fuck..."

He wiped the drops away from his hand and set the glass on the counter with a thud, Joe was already behind it ready with some towel. Alex took it, he tried to clean his shirt but the damage was too bad and there was nothing he could do, he raised his head to see who had done this and met a girl who defining desolate was nothing.

"I'm so sorry... Look what I did"

"It's nothing"

"No... No... I did a mess. It's just that guy shouldered me and I fell behind... I bumped on you and look"

Alex actually looked down and he had to admit his outfit was pretty messed up.

"I'm so sorry... Will you let me at least offer you a drink or something?"

"It's fine, really"

"I insist... Joe... Give him another please"

She sat and he did too, they exchanged a look and a smile, the girl stretched her hand towards him.

"I'm Karen by the way"

"Alex... It's the first time I see you around"

"I don't come here for long instead... I've just found a job three blocks from here"

Joe left two glasses in front of them and they cheered.

"Don't tell me you work at the hospital too..."

"No... No... Why? Do you?"

"Surgeon"

"Oh... Cool... I work at a charity association, sponsorships and stuff like that"

"Hardcore..."

"Well... That's hard for sure. We are specialized in sick babies from Africa and... It's really hard"

"I guess it is... Do you have facilities down there?"

"Well... If you can call facility a tent, then we have. We do everything possible but... It's a hell down there. Nothing to compare to your shiny hospital. We have kids who need vaccines, kids with chronic diseases... And no one who can help"

"Doesn't anyone give you a help?"

"Just private people. We have an insurance here but... They are there"

They took another sip and Alex looked at her. He was starting to think and his thoughts were producing strange things, a project who didn't belong to him, to his expectations, to his perspective. But to his past. A project to help desperate kids, as desperate as he was at that age.

"I visited your clinic a couple of days ago... It looks nice. And you do useful stuff"

"We are really proud of it... But do you have a list of the children more in need of medical cares?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said you have a little horde of kids to help and I asked if you have a list... some names with their problems"

"And why would you care?"

"As maybe I could help you... Help them"

"And how?"

"I don't know..."

"Well, that's a good start"

They both burst out laughing and Alex smiled to her.

"What I was saying is that I could try to find you sponsors... And if you have a plan... I could work on it"

"And why?"

"As it looks like a good thing and I'm pretty bored of my job right now. I would work hard on it. But you look all wary so... Just forget it"

He stood up and took his jacket, Karen stopped him.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to give you the idea I don't appreciate your interest"

"Well you don't, that's your right"

"It's not that... I just have to fight for this all day, begging some help and listening, and then I just come here and find a doctor who offers up without I even ask. Do you know how this makes me feel?"

"Happy?"

She giggled and shook her head.

"No, dazed. I just could come and practice here"

"Well... If you do, I'll see you again. Do you have a card or something?"

"Sure" she rummaged in her bag and fished a little card out, she handled it to Alex "and I have a list. It changes often as kids die and... It changes. But I have it and you can find all the information about my association if you look around"

"I will... just mail it to me. I'll see if I can do something. See you"

He turned around and left, Karen followed his form till the exit and then focused on Joe.

"He's a good guy"

"Do you know him?"

"He's a regular. He looks stand-offish but he's a good guy"

* * *

"Another, please"

"They're cute together, aren't they?"

Callie rolled her eyes when Arizona pointed out the same thing for the fourth time. After work they had decided to drink something and had spotted Teddy and Henry together in a corner. They were cute, but Torres was more interested in spending the evening with her girlfriend than spying their colleague. She threw a peanut at her and Robbins turned on her stool to face her. She gave her a wide smile and a kiss and they resumed their conversation.

Callie took another sip of her cocktail through the straw.

"Wow... That's good!"

"It's brand new, doctor" Joe was drying glasses actively behind the counter, he smirked hearing Torres' appreciation.

"And what do you put inside?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore... And bye Emerald Fresh"

"Like I die to steal you cocktail formulas"

Both doctors were relaxed and were swaying their heads following the rhythm of the music. Suddenly Joe talked again.

"Oh... I got called again"

Callie and Arizona exchanged a look. They didn't get what he was talking about.

"Excuse me?"

"The adoption manager... I got a second call"

"Really?"

Callie's face shone in excitement, Arizona was drinking her juice silently.

"Yeah... It was a couple of days ago. He called me and asked for a new appointment. We scheduled it for next week"

"And do you know what's about?"

"No idea… but I guess it's a good sign, isn't it?"

Arizona shrugged and Callie smiled widely.

"Of course it is… I'm happy for the both of you"

Joe gave her a small smile and then looked down.

"I guess you're…"

"What's wrong? Isn't Michael happy?"

"He is but… not ecstatic… I'm really starting to believe we should give up"

"Why do you say that?"

"As this would be part we're head over feet and ready to face everything to get what we want… and he already has doubts. I don't know how he could feel when the road starts to go uphill and we'll have actual problems, be heard by shrinks… Maybe we should stop before we mess up our own relationship" he sighed and Callie felt all of his discomfort and pain. Something she knew pretty good. As it was hers as well. After their first interview with the adoption association, Arizona had never talked about it, mentioned it, asked it, expressed some kind of disappointment as apparently their position wasn't worth to be examined. Callie lived this every day. Every day she hoped she would get a call, a sign, something. And every day ended in silence, it brought the deception it was gone and left the hope the following would serve instead. "What about you instead?"

"Far worse than you… we didn't hear anything after the first time"

She lowered her eyes and Joe smiled sadly.

"If I don't remember bad it was a couple of months ago. Ours was almost six. It takes stuff for this thing"

"I hope it won't take a life"

"Let's hope not… I have a customer… a girl… she works in an association who helps kids from Africa… Karev just met her here… she says that we have no idea which kind of interests and traffics exist under adoptions. It's a jungle, and not always who holds the power manages things for the best"

"And it's just so sad… there are so many kids who need help"

Arizona talked for the first time and gripped Callie's hand. She smiled to her partner and to Joe.

"It was why I went in peds…"

"Well… your college took her number. I didn't want to overhear their conversation…" both Callie and Arizona raised their brows and Joe blushed "really I… I was just here doing my stuff"

"It's fine, Joe. Really… What is it that you heard?"

"He asked her to send him her papers or… stuff she had collected. He said he would try to help her"

"And how?"

"I don't know… you're the doctors… you should know better"

A customer called him for an order and he left her. Callie looked to Arizona.

"That was weird…"

"What?"

"What do you think Alex has in mind?"

"I don't know… He could have great things in mind but he needs bucks… and we don't have them… Maybe he wants to prepare a plan and then present it to me or Webber but still… we have no money"

"And you're not pissed he is working in your field?"

"Why would I? He was good in peds and… I have to say I was sorry when he chose plastics. But if he wishes to do something like this… it means he has double thoughts… This said… do we really have to talk about Karev again?" She smiled and Callie smiled back, they got closer and kissed in front of the counter.

* * *

Derek and Meredith had paged Richard and Adele back in his office. Never like now they were feeling the pressure of what the trial implied.

Hope or despair, yes or no, in or out.

Simple, yet complicated.

Derek was pacing in the room, his hands buried in his labcoat pockets, he snorted sometimes and Meredith was eyeing him worriedly. It was evident he was trying to prepare a mental speech to deliver the news which came with their tests. And it wouldn't be easy. As these were known, loved people and as the Chief was the Chief after all. She raised her eyes again and cleared her throat.

"Derek…"

"Uhm…"

He didn't even look at her.

"Can you just sit? You're giving me a headache"

He stopped and sighed, he took a sit near her, raking a hand in his hair.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault…"

She gave him an encouraging smile and he brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"I'm sorry you'll leave the trial but…" he stopped hearing a soft knock on the doorframe and turned around to see Adele and Webber standing there. He tensed and the new scene he was looking at prevented him to see the look of shock which painted on Meredith's face.

He thought she would leave him, let him alone. He thought she would pick another trial.

But for sure this wasn't the moment to discuss this. Derek stood and invited the couple to enter, he gestured to them to sit and swallowed seeing the two different, opposite expressions and hopes radiating from his friends' faces. Adele was still trying to prove she didn't have Alzheimer's. All Richard wanted was having her in the trial. When Derek had received a phone call from Boston and heard one of his patients was dead suddenly, he had immediately gone in search of Richard and arranged the admittance test for Adele. The Chief had treated him with superiority and defeat. He hadn't let him time to say what he was there for and had started to blatantly talk about his surgery, gloating as he had done a procedure without authorization and using a method the FDA hadn't approved yet. He stated he didn't fear the consequences as he had saved a life, the truth was that he was too upset and scared for Adele to really and fully comprehend what he was doing. Derek had swallowed his pride and hurt another time and told him apparently Adele could have a chance. He was sure she would fit the criteria…

This was… hell.

"So? How did it go?"

It was the first time since he was a doctor that someone popped this question hoping for a bad answer and a bad outcome. He shared a quick look with Meredith and then talked.

"You needed to score a 26 or below to meet the criteria of the trial. You were above that"

Adele smiled like she had proved something, she gloated of her success while Richard's face fell. It was like Derek had slapped him in the face. He couldn't believe his wife, so messed up and confused as she were, had passed this test out of all those she had failed in the last days. It wasn't fair… on top of everything, it wasn't fair and he couldn't believe his ears.

"Well, what is it?"

His voice was harsh as usual on this subject and Derek tried to talk him out of it. Knowing Adele had failed was already tough, painful, hard. Knowing how much she scored would be a hoax, a stab to his heart, the same feeling Derek had felt when he had added up her answers and her result. He had read thorough all the lines of the protocol, seen if there was a way out but… it had been pointless. They had armored the trial and there was no way to force it.

"It's not important, Richard ..."

"Derek..."

Sheperd lowered his eyes as he couldn't stand to meet their faces.

"It's 27"

"One point?" There was so much hurt and disbelief in his words that Derek almost flinched on his sit. He raised his eyes and met Richard's.

"You're going to deny her this because of one point?"

No, he wasn't going to deny her anything, the trial was. He couldn't do anything about it.

"I'm so sorry"

"Sorry? No. It's good. It means I passed. I... I'm not sick. I told you, Richard"

She took his forearm all smiley and happy and Derek felt sick. Richard was fighting his feelings, probably his tears. Derek didn't remember once he had seen him cry but he was close now. His lips trembled and he sighed deeply.

"That's not what it means. You have Alzheimer's"

Even Adele got the hardness and despair in his voice. Her face dropped and she started to process what was happening in that room.

"It just hasn't progressed enough to get into the trial"

"But Derek said I passed. I passed" she looked to Derek for comfort but he cast his eyes down "Meredith... I'm okay, right?"

"When I asked you to repeat the three words back to me, you said "pool" instead of "spoon." I asked you to identify my stethoscope. It took you a while to find the word. And I asked you where you took your honeymoon and you said Hawaii. But you were here, because the chief was a medical student, and he had to work"

"You're just a resident. What do you know?" she hissed backing against the backrest " What the hell do any of you know? You work in a hospital all day around sick people and disease. You're obsessed. That's what this is. So I got a few answers wrong. That's all? It's normal to forget things at my age. I... You can never remember where you parked the car whenever we go to the movies, and they're not saying that you have..." she couldn't brace herself to say it. She knew they were right, she knew it. And she was breaking down, this was her way to accept, to process. She sniffled and looked away "It's not fair. I finally... It's... We're finally happy... you and me... Loving each other the way we should have all these years. And now? It's not fair!" she brought her fist down on the table and Richard looked at her with concern " Don't look at me like that... like... like I'm damaged goods. I... I'm still me. I'm still here. I'm still me. I... Maybe... maybe I won't be here much longer, but I'm right here, baby. I'm right here. Help me. Please. I'm so scared" she started sobbing and Richard hugged her.

"I'm here… I'm not going anywhere"

Derek's heart broke in one million pieces. He saw himself in that desperate hug, in that despair. He just wanted to stand and go away, not as he couldn't take it. These people were his family after all, he wanted to help, to support. But this moment was so private that he felt out of place, he didn't know where to look, he didn't know what to say, if say something. His eyes locked with Richard's and he shivered when he read an accusation in them, blame. But it was fine. As if Richard needed a valve, a person to lash out, he was ready to be that person. He was ready to take all the pressure and his bitter remarks. His boss would probably need a quantity of patience and strength almost out of human possibilities, if he needed to burst out to keep standing, Derek was ready to be that for him.

* * *

_Put your foot on the pedal and push… there's no arrival without starting point._

_You've learnt to brake, to swerve, to stop. And then you've perfected these techniques._

_You've started to feel safe, to avoid bumps, to even enjoy the panorama while going._

_And here came the fall._

_Painful as unexpected._

_And when you were lying on the ground bleeding, someone offered you a hand._

* * *

"You can't be serious on that!" Henry faked indignation and Teddy smiled sipping her beer.

"Absolutely…"

"So if I eat this you'll send me on probation again?"

"I will"

He rolled his eyes and pushed his plate towards her.

"This is cheating and blackmailing, you know that?"

"Yeah… I know"

She smiled and staffed a chip in her mouth.

Her eyes were stunning and so green, her eyelashes covered her eyes for a moment and Henry felt his throat tightening. She was beautiful. He smiled to her and stretched his hand. She had a bit of mayonnaise on her lip and yet he found her adorable.

"What?"

She felt his soft thumbs brushing her face and closed her eyes for the emotion. She opened them again when the pressure and the warmness disappeared. Henry looked embarrassed.

"You just had…" he waved a towel in his hand, still dirty of yellow sauce "some… I'm sorry" he threw the towel in the plate and looked down. Teddy wasn't a charmer, but she got when a man was attracted by her. Henry was and she was by him. The simple contact they had shared had sent shivers down her spine. Maybe it was time to stop beating around the bush.

"Henry…"

"I… I'm…"

He was avoiding her, her stare, everything. She got closer and raised his chin with her hand. Their eyes fused and her mouth approached his slowly, she left time to him to back off hoping he wouldn't. And he didn't. The kiss was perfect.

* * *

_Riding the bicycle again is more complicated than giving up._

_It means being ready to fall again._

_And hurt again, much more than the first time._

* * *

Alex entered his room, his eyes rested a moment on Karen's card.

* * *

_Denying people something doesn't get any easier with the time._

* * *

Meredith entered Derek's office. The room was dark and silent and he was sitting behind his desk, his hands on his face.

"Hey… Did you hear back from the patient on the waiting list?"

"I haven't called yet" he raised his eyes and Meredith saw through his sadness, she knew how much the Webbers were important to him. She had tried to stand once in his relationship with Richard when she still blamed him for her parent's marriage failure, he had accepted her position but it had cost him sacrifice. And even after bad things had happened between Derek and the Chief, Meredith knew they both respected each other and loved each other. Webber wouldn't treat no one like he did with Derek if he didn't care. Only love wasn't just favors and good stuff, it was also complicated and tangled. And this was another situation which could shake balances.

Derek didn't hold her stare for long, he looked down.

"Maybe Richard's right. It's just one point"

"But it's a point that could ruin the trial for everyone else that we're trying to save. Call them"

When she didn't get any reaction, Meredith got closer and picked up the receiver herself, offering it to Derek. He followed her movements and took it. "Just call, Derek"

Sheperd opened his agenda and scanned it till he found what he was looking for. He dialed a number and Meredith felt the line ringing.

"And… just to be clear… I choose you"

Derek's eyes filled the surprise and relief at the same time. He smiled and this was his way to thank her. No words, just a smile.

* * *

_It's just like facing a long and winding road. _

_You can be trained, but it's hard anyway._

_As the bicycle doesn't go ahead on its own._

_And you're the one who decides which way to choose._

_Only to regret later._


	43. HOW MUCH IT TAKES

Hey...

I'm sorry it took so long.

Let me see you're still here!

R & R

* * *

_How much it takes to create a life?_

_Nine months where your body changes, your priorities shift… the idea of beauty gets round… sensuality blossoms like a summer flower… and you have never felt so beautiful_

* * *

Meredith was laying on the bed, Derek besides her propped on one elbow. Their mouths were fused and his tongue was exploring her lips in a hot, consuming kiss.

She loved his tongue, his silk mouth, the way it felt soft against her own.

It was a drug and it turned her on in a way she had never considered possible.

Her body was exploding for the desire of him, she moaned when Derek's hands brushed her sides through the thin material of her gown, pressing her curves against his chest getting a growl in response.

"You're impatient…"

"I need you"

He smiled attacking her lips once more and Meredith felt he was as aroused as her, his erection poking against her hip.

Her head rolled backward when he attacked her collarbone.

Where had he learnt to kiss like that?

It was almost a divine experience and she had never met anyone who used his mouth like that.

She was close and he hadn't even started to love her.

His fingers were petting all her most sensitive spots and she was panting under his touch, her legs opening out of instinct, like inviting him to be where they both needed. But Derek wanted to take it slow. He was honouring her body, flowing her with wild and primordial sensations. His fingers touched her core and she shivered riding her pleasure.

"God…"

"I'm here…"

She was too excited to scold him. And even if she wasn't, there was so much a truth in his words.

She moaned again where a new wave of pleasure crossed her body, she held his wrist to keep him in place, her lips parting slightly.

He took advantage to slid his tongue in her mouth again, tracing her cavern with his tip in a sensual and erotic gesture which led her to the edge again.

His fingertips tasted her wetness and it was his time to moan in her mouth.

"You're so beautiful… and hot… I want you so much…"

Their fingers intertwined above her head and he slipped inside of her, eliciting a moan from the both of them.

Derek had never thought sex could be so hot and great as now.

It was delicate and loving, but it brought them both a pleasure they had never reached before. He wondered how many things he could discover with Meredith, how many heights they could reach, how many taboos they could break together.

He moved slowly inside of her, cupping her breast in his palm and covering her mouth with his again. He wanted to love her in a way he had never done before, imprinting himself in every cell of her body, letting her know he was the man she belonged to, investing her with a storm of emotions she had never experienced, bombarding her with all his and her senses.

Sight. He loved to see her riding the pleasure they gave to each other, and he wanted her to see he felt the same too, it was mutual and, for this reason, maximized and elevated to the nth power.

Ear. He knew she loved the way he talked to her while they were making love, anticipating what he was going to do, turning her on with his praises. Meredith wasn't conscious of her beauty, it was a burden she had on her back since her youth. Nobody had ever told her the simple truth. That she was stunning and breath taking. He had started to do it from the very beginning of their story. Still it mesmerized him how her eyes widened in surprise when he repeated it.

Smell. Her hair smelled like lavender and it intoxicated him. Her skin was soft and fragrant, reminiscence of the lotions she used to keep her skin elastic during pregnancy. He liked to splay on her, mixing his cologne with her delicate aroma, her clothes absorbed his scent and everything felt complete and whole.

Taste. She was like a cake to bite piece after piece, enjoying the flavour and waiting for the next one to ravish your senses. There was a lot of cuddling in their sex, but Meredith also loved to nudge him and use her teeth to mark her territory, to rouse his erogenous spots. And Derek loved to kiss her after, when his smell and taste ware still on her lips.

Touch. He hadn't become a neuro God for anything. The human body, and female as well, was full of nerve endings. He loved to awake every of them, playing Meredith's body like he would do with an invaluable violin. And she was sensitive to his ministrations, she surrounded to his skilful hands relying on the advantage she was going to get in response.

Her back arched beneath him when he slowly thrust inside of her.

He smiled when he felt her riding her orgasm… which one… he didn't know. He left space to his own release, kissing her hot and flushed cheeks in the while.

Reviews and magazines reported how four women out of ten used to fake an orgasm to give satisfaction to their partner. Meredith wasn't surely one of those. Her body talked for her, her moans did too. And that colour which spread on her face and neck were the signs and evidences he had no reason to worry about a frustrated wife.

He giggled looking down to her and she covered her eyes to wipe sweat away.

"What?"

Her voice was still throaty and hoarse. They were home alone and they didn't have to bother about roommates complaining. Meredith didn't do it usually anyway… but this time she had given free expression to all her feelings. Derek kissed her cheek tenderly, tickling her earlobe with his nose and eliciting a giggle from her side too.

"You're beautiful… and you look a little peasant with those pink cheeks"

"Just shut up…"

She slapped him playfully and he rolled to her side, playing with her locks, splayed on the pillow. His lips twitched upwards seeing her pouting.

"A lovely peasant"

He kissed her lips again and his heart swelled seeing the light shining in Meredith's eyes. It was the same he felt in his.

"I'm gonna lose my vagina"

"What?"

"I'm gonna lose my vagina giving birth… I know it"

"Mer…"

"This is my karma. I have just had three orgasms… three mind blowing orgasms… it's right I lose my stuff… I mean… which woman can have three in a row, Derek?"

"Every woman who sleeps with me"

She rolled her eyes at his cockiness, smacking his hand.

"I'm serious"

"Me too… Everything is going to be fine, Mer. And then it would be our karma, not only yours. It would be unfair… I have nothing to be punished for"

"Oh… you're so wrong in this. As I told you no dirty jokes this morning"

She sat up, resting her back against the headboard, closing her arms in front of her chest, an adorable frown on her face.

"I didn't do anything dirty"

"You did. You stuck your amazing mouth into mine and I…"

"Loved it"

"Yeah… screw me… I loved it. And now look… it's 6.35 and we're late"

"But it was worth being late, right?"

Meredith's face softened against her will. Derek was so cute when he did this, being reassured on her liking his attentions. He sounded like a child… or puppy. She made mental note to inform his sisters about this. Not the orgasm factory of course… but the lost puppy attitude. It looked so strange to think of Derek as the little brother, the pet to protect and take care of. But this was how his sisters felt about him. He had protected them when they were younger, provided them a male shoulder to rely on. And now they were paying him back sticking their wicked noses in his life, giving Meredith advice, scorning him. And she felt odd to say it loud, but she liked it.

Her relationship with the Sheperds had improved surprisingly in the latest seven months. Derek's mother used to call her once a week at least and they never talked about him. Meredith had tried to divert the conversation on the prodigal son, but Sofia had read through her game and said straight to her face it was for her and the baby she called. Her ungrateful son had the gift of the gab and she knew about him everything she needed. Also thanks to Mark of course.

Coming to Meredith… she enjoyed these talks. She could complain about Derek all the times she wanted, mrs. Sheperd wasn't one of those women whose son could walk on the water. She knew pretty good his defects and was ready to shoulder her when she needed. And despite the eyes rolling, Meredith knew Derek was head over feet about this link. He was a little bit more cautious with his sisters. Which were gossipers and nasty, at least that's what he said.

But Meredith knew it was just a reminiscence of their youth, when they forced him to take them to shop, to parties, everywhere they wanted. It must have been a hell with four women.

After their disastrous meeting for Derek's surgery and Nancy's apology, Meredith had decided to bury the axe and she was in good terms with them too. She exchanged some text with Amelia, talked to Kathleen some times. Even Nancy used to call her every now and then and she had to admit they were not so bad. They would die to know how Derek crawled at her feet when she wanted.

"You're a bad guy"

She shifted her legs out of the bed and stood up, stretching her back and heading to the bathroom.

Derek did the same, following her.

"A bad guy who has just given you three mind blowing orgasms… what do I have to do to be promoted to nice guy?"

Meredith giggled, malice spreading over her face. Derek caught her in the act and smiled.

"Just tell me your secret fantasies, Mer. Surprise me"

She smiled innocently brushing her teeth.

"You're too old for those"

Satisfaction twitched in her eyes at the hurt painting on his face. This was Derek's soft spot, their age gap. It awakened his pride and proud Derek… could really make her most pornographic fantasies real. He raised the zip on his pants and kissed her cheek, surprising her.

"Nice try, Meredith. You have to ask if you want to be pleased"

He smirked and walked back into their bedroom, picking up his blue shirt from the chair and wearing it. He grinned seeing Meredith approaching him, her tooth brush still in her hands.

"My fantasies are really bad"

"Worse than the thing you wanted to do in the shower?"

His brow arched quizzically and Meredith frowned.

"That was for boy scouts in compare…"

"Wow… I'm lucky you didn't rape me up to now"

"I kind of thought it sometimes… while you were sleeping and I was horribly horny"

"This explains while I woke up wet in drool some morning"

"Derek… I'm serious here. Do you know how it feels to be constantly ready to jump you?"

"Hot?"

"Frustrating… I can't work thinking of kissing you all the time"

"Don't think of it… just do"

He leant into her space and tilted his head to have better access to her lips. As expected she didn't recoil, on the contrary, she opened her lips to welcome his mouth. He straightened up smiling to her, amused of her desperate expression.

"I'm a horny pervert"

"You're just a pregnant woman whose hormones are making parties night and day. I'm here to help you with that. Every time you want" he kissed her again quickly "but now get dressed… our patient is waiting for us and… he'll have a stroke if you appear in his room like this"

He walked out and Meredith looked down stroking her belly.

She cupped her breasts and snorted.

"You're better contain piles of milk… or I swear God… I'm gonna cut you off"

* * *

_How much it takes to write the story who will change who you are?_

_And your friends too?_

* * *

Mark and Alex were walking down the hallway, engaged in a strict conversation.

"Did you read all files?"

"Yes sir"

"Studied the whole procedure?"

"Of course"

"Got to know the patient?"

"For what I found there… I did"

"Good. As she looks much better in here. She's kind of bitchy"

"There wasn't a psych profile in her medical story…"

"That's why I accepted her case… The woman is loaded and can't take no as answers" they stopped in front of the open door and Alex took a look inside. The patient looked much older than her 72. She was wearing a nasal cannula and her image was gross. She looked innocuous though. And these were the most dangerous patients.

"Grow a pair Karev or she'll eat you alive" Mark patted his shoulder and they both stepped in.

"Good morning, mrs. Warren. How do you feel this morning?"

Sloan produced his better smile but the woman seemed unresponsive to his charm and body language. She didn't lose the scold on her face, on the contrary. Her expression darkened even more.

"I feel like hell and, for God's sake, I'm in hell. I was told this was a good hospital. It looks like a pigsty to me"

If Sloan hadn't told him the woman was a real pain in the ass, Karev would have laughed of her complain. This kind of language coming from the mouth of an old woman sounded ridiculous, gross… even funny. But it was evident his boss wasn't having a good time. On the contrary. Alex knew Sloan enough to know he was trying to cool down, nobody could criticize his wing without raising his protests and pride.

"Something got bad?"

"This crap you served me for breakfast is bad. My canary would refuse to eat it"

"Our cooking is one of the best of the West Coast, madam"

"I'm better to migrate to East then"

Mark ignored her remark and gave her a smile.

"And it was perfectly suitable for the diet I recommended you"

"I'd rather die than be fed like this for the rest of my life"

"You won't say that after your surgery"

"We'll see. Remember if something goes wrong my attorney will sue you and your miserable line to the next century"

Alex rolled his eyes and focused on Sloan. This woman enervated him, he could see that. It was a matter of antipathy but it depended also from the difficulty of surgery. Sloan had clearly and openly given her a 15% rate of survival. She needed a neck reconstruction. That said, it meant they had to build back and transplant part of her carotid. Which was nearly impossible.

"I'm pretty confident of what I'm going to do. Unfortunately it won't all depend on me"

"I know. And now I feel already dead as I'm in this rathole. And who the hell is that?"

Alex squirmed under her scrutiny and he didn't find the voice to introduce himself.

"He's doctor Karev, my assistant"

"From bad to worse"

"He'll spend the whole day with you for your labs and pre-op exams"

"Can't wait"

"You'll start within a couple of hours. Now if you don't have any more question for me, I'd leave you alone to run all the routine"

Mrs. Warren cleared her throat in a very noisy and clumsy way.

"Good… see you later then… dr. Karev"

He smiled to the patient and then to Alex. His grin expressed all the happiness to be finally able to get out of there. And the smugness Alex had to endure that torture for the rest of the day. He handled him the chart and walked away. Karev looked down to the folder and was distract from his thoughts when the unpleasant and croaking voice called his attention back.

"So what? Are you a complete idiot? Will you stay there the whole day just looking around or will you do something?"

"Mrs. Warren… I'm going to do all the tests you need, don't worry"

"I'm not worried"

"Good…" he put down the chart and wore a pair of gloves. He approached the bed and mrs. Warren recoiled.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Visiting you"

"You won't touch me"

"Then it will be pretty difficult to visit you… I need to do this"

"No… you need to touch me, you sick and jinxed loser"

Alex rolled his eyes, his patience was over now and, patient or not patient, he didn't mean to take this abuse any longer. He started to touch and visit her neck.

"Mrs. Warren… I don't want to be rude to you as I get you're alone and scared about surgery"

"I'm not scared. And I'm not alone. Loneliness is a bad thing. And I enjoy it on the contrary"

"Nobody likes to be alone"

"I do. No people to round me for money and stuff… It's great to be alone"

"And have no one to share your things? Looks sad to me"

"How would you know? You look a penniless"

"I am… But I have a lot of friends and people who care about me. And many interesting and stunning plans about my future. I'm pretty rich"

"Keep saying yourself that"

"Will do"

* * *

_How much it takes before past turns into future and future revolves into past?_

* * *

The elevator opened and Richard walked out smiling, his bag and coat under his elbow. He headed to his office, greeting people, patients, doctors, nurses on the way.

He liked this. And he would miss this. Being the centre of the hospital, the referent. Being loved and hated and greeted and ignored.

His time as Chief was going to end soon.

A couple of months and then dr. Wyatt would finally clear Derek.

Richard had followed his work up constantly, received encouraging reports, read with care and attention all the notes the shrink had felt to share with him.

Sometimes he realized how much he had underestimated Derek's healing process.

He thought he would be fine after getting his work back, but things were much more complicated than that.

Sheperd still suffered for panic attacks, depression, anxiety.

It was getting better day by day, still, once read about it, Webber reproached himself not to be close enough to help him. On the contrary, they had gone back to their old relationship, made of fights and quarrels. Especially after Adele's diagnosis had been confirmed.

The unpredictable result of her admittance test to the trial had put strain in their relationship.

Richard knew deep down Derek was right. They had instated a regulation, signed for it and now they couldn't throw it away just because it was not suitable for their purposes.

But this meant other time. And Adele didn't have much.

Derek had sent the FDA the request of dispensation to admit a patient whose disease had developed and was developing very quickly even if her score was 1 point over the criteria. He had omitted the said patient was Adele Webber but this was pointless, he was sure he would get the permission to get her into the trial. Then she'd have to wait for someone to step down. Which was, as usual, very difficult.

For Richard it was a double torture. Seeing his wife worsening day by day and having under his nose a treatment potentially able to help her. This sucked… a lot.

He snorted pushing the door of his office open.

It was dark and silent and relaxing. He switched on the light and abandoned his briefcase on the couch, hanging the coat behind the door. He reached his desk and found a note from Bailey. Her patient…. Their patient to tell the truth, had gone through the night calmly, post op was good, the new method had apparently worked.

It was officially the beginning of his trial.

He smiled to himself and sat on the chair, twirling his fingers behind the nape of his neck.

It felt good… it felt…. incomplete.

To his surprise he realized Meredith hadn't given him an answer the previous day. After Adele's test she had probably preferred to leave them privacy and tranquillity, omitting to bother him with work matters.

Meredith was sensitive to this stuff. And he hadn't apologized yet for lashing out about her doubts. She had seen further and he had been unfair.

A hit against the door warned him that his morning peace was over, he raised his eyes and met Bailey on the doorframe.

"Good morning"

"Chief…"

He picked up her message and waved it smiling.

"I got your message… everything is fine…"

"Yeah… for now it is"

She walked towards him and Richard got serious.

"What does "for now" mean?"

"Nothing… that we're not out of the woods yet. I want to wait another 24 hour to declare her good"

"How are the labs?"

"Pretty fine"

"Glycaemia?"

"Perfectly on range"

"You see? And you didn't want to let me operate on her…"

Webber set on his glasses and started to rummage in the papers in front of him.

"That wasn't my worry, chief"

"And what was that then?"

"That you were rushing things to press Sheperd… to impress him… to score a point or anything"

"That's the consideration you have of me?"

"No… but you're in a lot of stress and it must be difficult… seeing something so close and not being able to catch it"

"It is"

"So pushing the surgery without the FDA approval was just a casualty?"

Richard dropped his pen and his eyes locked with Bailey's.

"I got the approval"

"After… and we were lucky it worked"

"We were good, not lucky. Anyway… since you look so interested… Sheperd asked a dispensation for Adele. He is waiting for the answer in hours"

"Good… sometimes the traditional ways are the best"

"Or if we don't push our borders and take some risk, they won't never budge"

"True"

"Now…" he out his glasses back in his nose "will you let me combine my report please? I plan to visit our patient later and I need to fix this"

"Of course, sir"

"See you around, Bailey"

* * *

_How much it takes to grow… grow new expectations and shift your priorities?_

* * *

Cristina joined Teddy at the nurses station, she was reading a chart carefully, rubbing her temples in circling moves.

"Morning, dr. Altman"

"Dr. Yang… morning"

Teddy looked up quickly and then diverted her eyes, squinting for the light irradiating the hallway. Cristina looked at her curiously, Altman was usually a cheerful person, nice and all smiley. This morning she looked… like she was dealing with a strong hangover. Which could make pretty sense. Unless it was unreasonable.

Cristina knew those signs far too good.

Her evenings at Joe's with Meredith were written in the chronicles. Beer, straight tequilas and bad girls time.

Rampant women at night… zombies in the morning when the headache kicked in, the brain screamed in protest, every source of light was a hammer digging holes in the skull, every noise became unbearable.

Bad situation.

Teddy didn't look the type though.

Cristina knew she was having a bad time.

She broke up with the shrink, her flirts turned out to be unsuitable and finally the fake marriage with the fascinating green eyes guy.

Hunt had expressed his worry for his friend. He suspected she was falling for the man, which Cristina found quite improbable. Altman she knew wasn't for romances, she was romantic, but also practical and down-to-earth. This stuff… looked out of normalcy here.

"Are you feeling good?"

"Just a headache"

"Can I help you?"

"Just shut up and let's go in there"

Teddy straightened up and realized how impolite she had been. She didn't mean it like that.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"It's fine. I know what you meant. I had to face many hangovers myself so… buzzing in your ears is not what you want to experience in mornings like this"

"I didn't drink…"

"Like you want" she stretched her hand and took the folder "let's go"

They entered the room, a guy in his 30s was waiting for them. He smiled when they got in and the woman besides him, the wife or girlfriend, Cristina didn't know, shook his hand tighter.

"Good morning, mr. Franklin"

"Hey…"

Teddy smiled to Cristina, brushing her eyes, and Yang got it was her permission to talk.

"So… I'm dr. Yang and I'm dr. Altman's assistant. As we pointed out in our previous meeting, we're going to take you to surgery to correct a malformation of the heart… an inter atrial defect to be precise"

"And what is that? Oh… Sorry"

The woman looked down to the floor, suddenly embarrassed of her outburst. The patient shook her hand, trying to sound reassuring.

"It's fine, baby… I know you want to know about my surgery and the doctors are here for this… Aren't you?"

"Of course… I'm sorry I sounded so clinical but we had already discussed this in our previous visits"

"I know… but Sharon wasn't here so… I haven't explained this to her and… if I did… I wasn't that effectual"

"It's not a problem, mr. Franklin" Teddy told softly "dr. Yang is here to explain you everything you might want to know. To you and your wife as well. Dr. Yang…"

Cristina cleared her throat and smiled to the couple.

"The inter atrial defect is a congenital problem of the heart"

"But he never suffered of it… I mean… He always did sport and stuff and…. He never had these problems… How is it possible?"

"It's more than possible, actually. It's a little hole between the atriums. It's there from the birth but, growing up, it gives symptoms as it alters meaningfully the blood flow"

"I don't understand…"

What was there to understand? He had a hole in his heart that needed to be fixed. End of the story. It was simple. And scientific. Rare, but possible. She heard Teddy clearing her throat and she got this was part of her job too. Explaining and reassure.

"Ok… just wait"

She set the chart on the table and fished her notes out of her pocket. She started to scribble with her pencil and, once finished, approached the two people.

"You see this line here? It's the wall separating the atriums. Your husband has a little hole here and the blood flows through it. Probably it's been there since he was born and, sometimes, it closes by itself. Here it didn't and now it causes tiredness, short breath and alteration to the heart pace. We are going to insert something which will act like a sealant, in some month the tissue will cling on the device and the hole will be filled"

"It sounds safe…"

"It is… it's a standard procedure… but it's always a surgery and it implies risks"

"Bleeding, infection, possible need of second surgery…." The guy locked eyes with his wife smiling "death"

"In 12% of cases… one of these horrible things happen. But we are confident we can do it right. You're young, mr. Franklin. Pros overcome risks for sure"

"I know… that's why I'm here. And we're ready… aren't we, love?"

"Yeah…"

The couple kissed and Cristina went back to the end of the bed. She took the chart and smiled to them.

"Ok… I will be back to prep you in a while… an hour… ok?"

"Ok… thank you"

Both Cristina and Teddy left the room, Altman patted Yang's shoulder.

"Well done… you were simple but clear. Couldn't have done it better myself"

"Thank you"

"I'll see you in the OR… 11 a.m."

She walked away shielding her eyes and Cristina chuckled, unaware of Owen's presence behind her.

"What's funny?"

She turned around, a small smile stretching her lips.

Owen looked relaxed. Very peaceful. His face was cloudless, smooth and she couldn't fight the urge to caress it. He leant in her touch, cocking his head to the side and trapping her wrist between his jaw and shoulder.

"Happy and cuddling… love this"

"Let go of my hand now"

She snaked it away grinning.

"Good surgery?"

"Heart repair…"

"Oh… it looked cooler than that"

"Really cool as I'm going to fly solo"

"Will Teddy let you do it?"

"If she doesn't want to kill the guy… she will. She doesn't know it yet… but she will"

Owen's face couldn't be more surprised.

"What's this supposed to mean?"

"She bent an elbow yesterday and she's dragging around with a headache. She won't do the surgery. I will. I love Henry…"

She turned on her heels and walked away with a high in her steps.

Wasn't she lovely?

* * *

_How much it takes to pick bad choices… to begin to feel at the last ditch?_

* * *

"What the hell happened?"

Meredith took off her scrub cap, leaving her hair in a mess. Her action mirrored what Derek had done seconds before.

They were shocked, both.

They were preparing the patient for the drill, talking to him and in less than five minutes his conditions had first deteriorated and then caused him to stroke out.

A death in the starting phase of the trial. Derek was shocked and worried, Meredith couldn't place which of these two feelings was prevailing in his mind. He was pacing in the hallway, trying to relive those moments in his head, to remember every step he had made, to understand if he had made a possible mistake.

"He had a stroke, Meredith. What did his history say?"

"Nothing… he had never suffered a heart malfunction…"

"The tests?"

"Pre-ops were good. And I didn't prescribe further analyses as he was not reported to be at risk"

"We weren't told at least"

He rubbed his face tiredly and shook his head.

This was the final evidence of how much desperate people were when they were forced to face Alzheimer's. They hid things not to be excluded from the trial because it was their last shot. And they were ready to take enormous risks.

"What would this mean?"

"It means that he probably had heart problems but the relatives hid them from us not to have him out"

Webber walked into the conversation hurriedly, the news had already spread in the hospital and he was expert enough to know this event could mark the trial indelibly.

"Did he really die?"

Derek nodded gravely and Richard breathed out.

"I'm going to send a report to the FDA and let them time to decide what to do"

"Could they shut down the trial?"

"By now I am… I want to go through his papers one by one and then wait for an official statement. If we did things good, I guess I'll have their placet to go on for the end of the day"

"And what about me? Is there something I can do?"

Derek looked at Meredith and smiled, she was dead tired, he could see that. And , apart from this, he really needed to analyze things by himself. He knew she was careful and meticulous, but he needed to go through papers by himself to exclude mistakes or superficial evaluations.

"No, dr. Grey. I need to reassess this by myself. I'll keep you posted, ok?"

She nodded. Dr. Grey meant he wanted to do this by himself, he needed to. And she was free to go to the cafeteria to have a real lunch and kill the await.

"Ok, dr. Sheperd. See you soon"

She walked away and Derek sighed, raking a hand in his hair.

"Is this bad?"

Derek had almost forgotten Richard was still there. He looked up and met his eyes, he could see his concern was more personal than professional. He had just witnessed the result of bad judgment. A man had died for a hidden prognoses, for a false medical history. Would Richard do that too if he was set in front of a crossroad? Better not to ask or wonder…

"It feels bad, Richard. A man has just died on my table and I didn't see it coming. I was ready to everything… but not this. I don't think the FDA will consider it a trial's decease but… it happened in the OR and I can't ignore it"

"I know… have you already informed the family?"

"I've called them… Mr. Thomas was here by himself. His son was supposed to arrive in the late morning and I called him. I just need to go through all this mess before he arrives so… if there's nothing else you want to know…"

"No, I guess you'll deliver me your final report anyway…"

"Of course… ok then"

Derek made some step towards his office but Richard called him back.

"Shep…"

"Yes, Chief?"

"Have you heard anything about… the derogation you asked?"

"No, not yet. But I've found some lost call on my phone so… it might as well be for it. Unless anything changes now"

"I'm sure it won't"

Derek nodded sighing and walked away.

Everything changed here.

Maybe he had to revisit the protocol, set some exam as obligatory.

Patients and their families could lie on previous deficiencies and he really couldn't afford to lose more people before even making the drill. It was already difficult that way.

Only changing the methods would mean to stop the experimentation, elapse times and hospitalizations. A mess. And the budget would have to be reviewed as well. Not so good in the long run.

Derek entered his office without turning on the light, he sank on his chair and picked up the phone. The line became alive some second later.

"Philip? Hi, it's Sheperd. How are you? Good… I'm good, thanks. I've found your calls but I was in the OR so… Oh… ok, that's great. Really… really great. Thank you. But to tell the truth it's not the only reason I called. I've just lost a patient… in the preparing. I guess he neglected a heart malfunction or something as he stroked out even before I made anything. I suspended all the operations till I have the confirm it wasn't any of my mistake. You're too generous, Philip. I'll send you a report as soon as I finish it. Wait for news… thanks… bye"

He banged the receiver down, suddenly feeling exhausted.

He had to make things right, he had to prove no protocol was broken and no mistake was made. As he had finally found the way to get Adele in the trial and there was no way he would let the FDA close it for a lie.

* * *

_It takes moments… and you don't even get it while it's happening…_

* * *

Alex was pushing mrs. Warren's wheelchair down the hallway. They were heading to the CT to take a last scan.

All blood tests, ECG and cardiogram had proved the woman was in good shape and ready for surgery. They had this last hurdle on their way and then Alex could go and have a proper lunch. A very caloric lunch. He needed this… a load of majo, chips, jam… everything which would help him to forget about this humoral and bitter lady.

Even now she was sitting on the chair rigid, a nasal cannula to add a nasty shadow to her face. She wore a scold which made everyone ran away. Usually nurses like oldies, they approached to crack a joke and exchange some impression. But Mrs. Warren had already barked to a couple of unfortunate assistants and now anybody was getting closer than necessary.

Alex was looking forward to his lunch.

"What are your big plans about?"

Dr. Karev startled, he wasn't expecting the luny to talk again. He hadn't even understood her words, probably she was complaining about something.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you even deaf now? Stupid and deaf?"

Alex rolled his eyes, he really was going to kill this woman.

"I didn't hear you, I'm sorry"

"Well… you should be. Having me repeat what I say ten times… I've just asked you what your pathetic plans are about…"

"Kids… I have plans about kids"

"So fathering some bastard is on the top of your priorities?"

Alex chuckled, if he didn't find this woman hateful, he'd find her funny. She used the vocabulary of a coarse teen, they could be friends in different circumstances.

"Not in that sense… I plan to treat kids"

"Don't you do it here usually?"

"We do… but not like I want. I have a project to bring sick kids from Africa here"

"For what?"

"Treating them"

"And have those monkeys infest our oxygen?"

"Mrs. Warren… you don't think that. They are just kids who need treatments and they can't have them home… as they don't even have a home"

"So sad…"

"It is. They're orphans and have nobody to take care of them. And the state hasn't money… for sure not for babies nobody wants"

"And what do you need to accomplish this crazy plan of yours?"

"I'm a penniless… remember?"

"Impossible to forget it"

"Money… We need funds…"

"Nobody is going to give you money to treat those…"

Alex wasn't ready to hear another nasty definition, he warned her.

"Mrs. Warren…"

"Little creatures… The world is falling apart, this country is falling apart. And nobody gives anything for anything. I f I told how many people have asked my help during years… I once gave a man a check of several zeros. He said he was going to open a recovery for lonely mothers. He never did anything but buying himself an expensive suv"

"There's a lot of business behind charity, that's for sure. But it's unfair people like you stop helping as a pig head fooled you"

"Nobody fooled me. He came to my house crying and I was tired of that, the game was starting and I wrote a check to get him out of my sight. The day after I started to make researches on him and his stupid organization. He didn't do anything of my money and I sent my lawyer after his bones. I got every penny back and nobody never came to knock to my door ever again"

"I am not so surprised about it… What do you do all day? Do you have something you like to do?"

"Crosswords and tv. Nothing more"

"Any friend or relative?"

"People just want to suck my wallet. I have no friends and relatives… those miserable only came to ask for help. Never a phone call, never a visit. Just tears to get economic support. I think I'm going to leave everything to my Wally…"

"And who's he? Your partner?"

Mrs. Wallace chuckled, it was an unpleasant sound, raspy and throaty.

"No, for God's sake… it's my dog"

"Excuse me?"

"A dog… you know those animals with four legs, two ears and a tail?"

"I know what dogs are… you can't give money to a dog"

"I can, like hell. My lawyer has already arranged my will and Wally is going to have a golden old age"

"That's crazy…"

"It's not. He's the only one who loves me despite I'm disappointing and nasty. He makes me company and just asks for a little bone in exchange. Not all my bones… just a little, no matter what, bone. And he's going to become Mr. Wallace after I'm gone from this hell"

"I can't believe it…"

Alex pushed the button of the elevator nervously. He had always thought people who donated all their belongings to animals were the result of romantic and imaginary press. Just advertising. As it was unbelievable that a human being hadn't someone… a friend, a relative… anyone worth to receive a heritage. Everyone had a family, a person, something to belong to. Or not? Didn't Mrs. Wallace really believe in anything? She was crazy… unbalanced… but she looked realistic and rational. She looked like she had earned every dollar she had. And now was she really leaving everything into a dog's hands or… legs… ? It sounded insane.

* * *

Owen entered the cafeteria and spotted Teddy in a far and isolated corner of the room. She looked… down. Tired, sick… he didn't know.

He knew she had to be really off as Cristina had finally had her solo.

Teddy had backed off from surgery and this was a sign she was really out of anything.

She had assisted in the OR, supervised the procedure but she hadn't felt to touch the scalpel. Really bad.

Owen took another look at her and a small smile stretched on his lips.

Since he knew Teddy, and it was a long long time, he had never seen her drunk once.

She was groupy but balanced, she liked to share amusement and fun with others but she never lost the direction. Till now. He wondered how much of this change was his fault… A big part, he was sure. He had broken her heart, probably not wanting, but he had. She was in love with him and he had moved forward instead. He had used her and her friendship to overcome his problems and then sailed to a new shiny life with Cristina. Leaving her behind. It was difficult for him now to play the good friend as some topic was taboo between the two of them. He was sure she didn't want to know anything of his cohabitation with Cristina and he was pretty sure he didn't want to hear about her romantic outcomes.

He was jealous of her… just as she was of him.

But it was time to overcome this stuff now, she needed a friend and he was ready to be such. He took his tray and headed to her table, bringing a black coffee with him.

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Can I sit here?"

"Yeah… of course… please"

Owen sat and stretched his hand towards her, placing the fuming cup under her nose.

"Oh… thank you"

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good"

She smiled but Owen recognized the smile type. Fake.

"Cristina told me you weren't good this morning… you let her do the surgery"

"Yeah… a migraine… and it was a standard procedure. She could sort it out"

"I know… from all the messages I got… I know she rocked… and how are you now?"

Teddy set her cup down and frowned. There was something strange in the way Owen kept asking her how she was.

"Still having migraine… but it's not what you want to hear. What did she tell you?"

"Nothing" Owen shrugged trying to sound casual.

"She told you I was drunk… didn't she?"

"Were you?"

"No… my God… I wasn't. I have just had a drink, nothing more. Is that so awful?"

"Not at all. It just sounds so odd from you. And I'm worried"

"That I become an alcoholic?"

"No, you…" he stopped realizing he was going to call her names. Her eyes narrowed too and they both laughed.

"Were you going to insult me?"

"No… I just…" their eyes met and Owen sighed.

"Remembered the time we used to talk and laugh and have fun together?"

"Yeah…"

"I miss it"

"Me too… but we're back on the horse now"

"Looks like"

She took another sip of her coffee and saw Callie and Arizona approaching their table. She smiled when the two women sat near her.

"Hey"

"Do we bother you?"

"No, we were just…. Eating" Callie arched her brows seeing Owen's expression. He said he wasn't disappointed but his face said differently. Torres cleared her throat when Arizona elbowed her. She met her lover's look and found the courage to pop the question she was dying to do.

"So… how did it go your date yesterday?"

Hunt nearly choked on his salad and Teddy looked at her curious and awkward at the same time. She had played the headache card but, telling about her meeting with Henry, she'd burn her covering.

"It wasn't a date"

"You were out together"

"Drinking something"

"A date"

"Nope"

"You kissed…"

Arizona smiled sweetly but Teddy felt the urge to kill her. What was her thinking to say this out loud? In front of Owen on top of everything…

"I…" Altman didn't really know what to say. First of all she hoped her effusions with Henry hadn't been seen. Secondly, she really had hoped not to have to discuss them in front of Owen.

Owen… what was her problem to deny him she felt for someone else?

It wasn't embarrassment, it wasn't she still had feelings for him. She breathed out finding the right word for it. She was scared of his judgment. She read concern in his eyes and squirmed under the gaze he was giving her. Arizona seemed uncaring of this though.

"You looked great together"

"We… had a good time"

Owen sighed and stood up. This was a woman to woman conversation and he really didn't want to be involved in gossip and all the possible details. It was for his own benefit and Teddy's too. She wouldn't feel free to talk with him there, he wanted to face the topic but also needed some time to process the blow. Teddy was in love with another man.

* * *

Cristina was sitting in the basement on a gurney, a sandwich in her hands.

She had chosen to avoid the cafeteria and have a lonely snack, she needed peace, she needed to enjoy the aftermath of post op exhilaration and ecstasy, she needed to keep feeling the adrenaline. And this was the right place, alone with herself.

She heard footsteps down the hallway and sighed, apparently someone else had her same thought and wish.

Meredith appeared from a corner, a banana in her hands.

She smiled seeing her person alone and sat next to her.

"Recovering from your solo?"

"I'm cherishing it. It felt so good and I missed it for so long… I thought Altman would keep me in the doghouse forever…"

"You made up, right?"

"I did… and I guess her new love brought advantage too… She's softer… and light hearted"

Meredith looked at her arching her brows.

"She was sobering up this morning"

"Really?"

"Yeah… and you're not the only one who loves banana…"

Meredith swallowed with difficulty, she blushed against her own will thinking back of her hot wake up. Cristina realized the change in her attitude.

"And you look like that's not the first one you ate today…"

She giggled and Meredith nearly choked on her bite.

"Damn it, Cristina. I'm trying to eat here"

"Do it… It's not my fault if you have a guilty conscience"

"I haven't. I hate him…"

"Who?"

"Derek…"

"Why so?"

"It's making impossible for me not to jump him. He is so flirty and sexy all the time. And I'm mush in his hands"

"And underneath his hands I guess"

"He gave me three this morning… I couldn't recover from the first one and he was building me up again"

"So mean from him… You moaned in protest I guess…"

"You have no idea what I'm going through"

"Nope… no idea"

"It's like I'm on fire all the time. I thought pregnancy would sate the beast but… it's right the contrary"

"And what's wrong with it? Really, Mer… you look crazy you know?"

"What?"

"From when screaming orgasms are object of complain here?"

"I'm not saying…"

"You are… and it's gross. So just enjoy and shut up"

"I hate you"

"Well… your affectivity is kind of screwed lately. It's no big deal"

They kept eating in silence till when new footsteps echoed in the basement.

"We need to find another secret spot… this is kind of overcrowded"

A pair of mail legs appeared in front of them and they both smiled seeing the owner of them.

"Dr. Karev… came down here to hide for Mrs. Angst?" Meredith sent her a curious look and she shrugged "his patient is kind of bitchy"

"Every woman who needs a new pair of boobs is bitchy"

"Mrs. Warren doesn't need boobs" Alex pointed out sitting on the gurney himself "she's a 80 years old who needs a neck reconstruction" both Cristina and Meredith looked at him, he got they were interested in his surgery "and a carotid work up"

"Cool"

"Yeah… if she survives. And if I survive… she's… sharp"

"A nurse was telling around how she's beating your ass…"

Alex could read the amusement in Yang's voice.

"I'm giving her a job she can get her teeth into, don't be worried for me"

"I'm not… not for that at least"

"What for then?"

"A birdie told me you were in good company yesterday evening"

"I met someone at Joe's"

Meredith elbowed him.

"Joe's is dangerous"

"I'm not going to get hitched, Mer. I have just met… better bumped into a girl and she offered me something"

"You got a woman offer you a drink on the first date? Crap, Karev… it's going to be hard to get you laid"

"No problem for that, Yang. Like I said, don't worry about me"

"As you want… just remember we're here if you want to confess your repentance for choosing plastics"

"What?" Meredith looked between Alex, who looked embarrassed, and Cristina, whose face was blank as usual "why would he be repented?"

"Don't know… But the same birdie told me he's after a kick ass saving kids plan"

"Are you?"

Meredith's voice filled with excitement.

"No bucks, no plan"

"It's more complicated than that"

"No, it's not. Are you investing your time in peds… seriously?"

"I'm not. I had an idea when the girl I bumped in told me what her job was about. It's a good stuff but… no money for solidarity"

His pager beeped and he looked at it.

"Sloan is waiting for me… Have a good day, girls"

He stood up and left, leaving Meredith and Cristina still sitting in the same spot.

"Evil Spawn grew up"

"He did… did you tell him about Owen's… task?"

"No. I want to grill his ass a little more"

* * *

Derek was waiting impatiently in his office.

For a fax from the FDA which could clear him to go on.

He had spent the last three hours to review and analyze all the papers concerning the dead patient. To his great relief, and he was sure this would be the result, Meredith had done everything perfectly, strictly according to the protocol. She hadn't neglected any sign, any symptom. She had ran all the required tests, popped all the necessary questions, collected all the meaningful labs. There was no way they could predict what had happened.

And this had awakened two opposite feelings in Sheperd's heart.

Happiness as he was pretty sure FDA would give him all the trust and confidence he needed. They would give him the authorization to continue his study in a short time.

Sadness for the fate of that man.

Derek had met his son, a very unpleasant guy. He had invested him with insults and threats, he had suggested and implied Derek had made mistakes, had underestimated his father's condition. Sheperd had mastered his patience and finally got him to admit his own faults. He had seen doubt and guiltiness set on this man's shoulders and, despite everything, he had felt for him. One thing was to better a clinical condition, probably not thinking to cause damage, another thing was assuming the responsibility for your own father's death. No son wanted that, no matter how desperate or tired or depressed. This guy had the best possible intentions. Unlucky him, they had kicked him in the ass.

A light knock to the door startled him and a smile appeared on his face seeing Meredith on the doorframe with a fuming cup of coffee.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She walked in, her hips swaying with their new roundness. It was a movement which hypnotized him. His gorgeous wife and his baby.

"I didn't see you in the cafeteria and I thought you'd still be here"

"I wasn't hungry actually. And I wanted to be here… in case they called"

"They will call, we did nothing bad"

"I know… I just want to hear someone saying it loud, that's all"

"I know"

She sat the cup on his desk and sat on the chair smiling. She loved to see Derek's lips in action, even just to drink a coffee. They embraced the edge of the paper cup softly, she imagined the delicate tissue's warmness, his nose scrunched in disappointment when the sugar free liquid excited his taste buds He swallowed everything with a gulp and his Adam Apple jumped in his throat. He moaned in appreciation throwing away the empty cup.

"I needed this"

"That's what wives are for"

"Good wives… bad wives just poison their husbands with nasty venoms"

"Just wait… it'll work in seconds"

Derek chuckled, his smiled widened taking in the witchy look Meredith was producing for him.

"Would you do that to me? Killing me slowly and painfully after all the things I did for you?"

"I don't remember any of these things you assert you did for me"

"Short memory, uhm?"

"Maybe I need a little refresh"

Derek smiled again, deciding to play her game. He stood up and rounded his desk, stopping right in front of her chair. He bent his knees and touched hers, locking blue and green.

"I did this for you"

He traced large circles on her knee caps, feeling her muscles relax immediately.

"And then this"

His fingers moved to her thighs and Meredith stretched her legs out of instinct.

"I kind of remember I did this too"

He raised enough to kiss her lips and parted almost immediately.

"Even though I was too deep in my perfect dream to remember anything more"

"But I do… and I guess I'll remind you later"

"Can't wait"

He kissed her lips again and went back to his chair. His eyes catch immediately the e-mail icon flashing on the screen. Her selected it and read carefully the content of the message. His face relaxed and Meredith got curious.

"What?"

"We're back on board, dr. Grey"

"Really?"

"Yes, FDA just analyzed my report and they agreed nothing was omitted from our side. We're cleared to keep going"

"That's great news!"

"Yes, it is. And it's not the only one" he loved Meredith's adoring look "I got the derogation, Mer. Adele is in. And since mr. Thomas died and we have a free spot, we can schedule her procedure in a couple of days"

"That's a great"

"I agree… Do you want to go and tell Richard?"

"No, that should be you, Der"

He sighed, sign that the recent fights with Richard were still weighting on his shoulders.

"What's wrong? He said stuff but he was upset. Now Adele is getting in the trial and it's all we can do for her. More than the both of them could hope for"

"I know…"

"So just lift your pretty ass and let's go find him"

A mischievous look shone in Derek's eyes as he stood up.

"Stop thinking about my ass…"

"I can't"

He joined her and she stood, her hip brushing his groin.

"You're playing with fire here"

"I won't get burned"

"I'm not so sure about that"

They walked towards the exit, Derek's hand resting protectively on Meredith's small back. They were on the door but he stopped, raising surprise in Meredith.

"What?" she inquired seeing him going back to his desk and searching something. He took a big envelop she recognized being the placebo or drug blind assignment.

"This was mr. Thomas' file. I need to take it back to the trial room. It stayed in the Or with all the mess which came after he crushed. Marcia should be on the floor now"

He joined her and they walked out in search of Richard.

* * *

Teddy had stopped and found solace in a conference room.

The light was off and the dim light which filtered through the blinds was enough to let her read and write on the chart she was filling.

Her head was still exploding. After she didn't remember how many pills the situation was still the same. Apparently the previous evening she was more drank than she thought.

She had smartly left Callie and Arizona behind, they were investing her with questions and she wasn't ready to answer. In that moment she wasn't. As Owen had shown embarrassment and she had to process his behavior.

He was in love with Cristina but he cared about her.

It was a simple thing, but in the last months she was ashamed to admit she had doubted it, several times. As everything she did, he snapped at her or simply didn't talk to her and that was a sign of blame. But had she really deserved anything different? She had messed up lately, she had screwed up her relationship with Andrew, a man who really loved her. But she hadn't been ready to leave everything behind her back and move to Europe with him. Then she had done that crazy thing with Henry and thought Owen could hold grudge against him. But it wasn't true. He was just worried for her.

He had softened and started to give her advice. Still, the thought she was with someone else made him blush.

They were at the end of their personal path. One more push and they could finally go back to their pre-outing relationship. She needed to apologize and let bygones be bygones. She sighed and startled when a hand leant on her shoulder.

"Are you ok?"

Bailey was concerned about her, anything else.

"I'm just having a bad day, that's all. And my brain is going to explode"

"Headache… the bogeyman of doctors. We can treat tumors, attach severed limbs. But headache… we just can live with it"

"Holy words… I guess I deserved it"

"Headache?"

"Yeah… I drank and was irresponsible…"

"Sounds like having fun"

"I kissed a man"

"Fun…"

"My husband… actually. And it felt… good"

She smiled but it drop noticing the seriousness on Miranda's face.

"Ok… don't say anything. I know I said it was just business arrangement but… from thing came thing and I…. like him. It was supposed to happen but it did and now the Chief is gonna hate me"

"Nobody is going to hate you. We don't hate people down here. Maybe you didn't manage your stuff properly, but Webber was just worried for the medical consequences of it. We see people, Altman. And we all have noticed the two of you got along. We're happy… if you're happy"

"Ok"

"And don't hide from your colleges. I know they are nosy sometimes. But I guess we're the only family you have here so… they worry. It's not they just want to stick their mouth in your affaires. Well… they probably want also but… it comes as a package. I realized that too"

"How?"

"When I got a divorce. And everybody here helped me out of it. Nobody judged, they just helped. I also prayed Sheperd and Grey to invite me for Christmas eve as my father was in town, he didn't know I had got a divorce and I wanted to prove him I had a life outside of here. And despite all the problems I caused them at the beginning of their story… they did… without even blinking"

"You like Sheperd… and he respects you too. It's kind of clear. For me… sometimes I just think they stand me as they have to"

"It's not true. It's just you're a private person and they respect that. And act as a consequence. Nobody here is going to get scandalized if you fell for your husband, even if it happened after you got married. We're all grown up, we have all screwed sentimental lives, we all messed up so… we're all at the same level"

"So you're basically telling me I'm reckless?"

"How could you work here otherwise?"

Teddy laughed and her giggle captured the attention of Torres and Robbins, walking down the hallway. They reached the door arm in arm and smiled seeing them inside.

"Are you having a woman moment without telling us?"

"No, we were just chatting, nothing important"

"But now the gossip team is here…" Bailey patted her fingers on the table.

"I'm not a gossiper" Arizona faked indignation.

"We are…" Torres elbowed her "but you don't need to tell us anything if you don't want. We thought you liked sharing… it could help. But if you don't, we're here if you might need anything"

They turned around to leave and Teddy met Bailey's eyes. She was right. As usual. And she felt a bitch.

"Wait…" the two doctors turned around "you were right, you know… about me and Henry. And I guess you saw us yesterday at Joe's"

"Kind of… but it looked like you didn't want to be seen"

"It's not that. I was just trying to decide if it was good for me… bounding with him. Now I know it is… that I want it… I have no reason to hide or not to talk about it"

"So you're together?"

"Yes… I can say yes"

"That's great, Teddy. I'm happy for you. We could double date if you want. If he hasn't problems with gay couples of course"

"He hasn't and I'll let you know, ok?"

"Right… Bailey?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you in?"

"Where?"

"In our enlarged date"

"No"

Teddy's eyes narrowed in surprise.

"And what about the comradeship you've just told me about?"

"It was about people who haven't friends around. And I have"

Miranda stood up and left, nearly bumping against an amused Callie.

* * *

Alex was walking down the hallway, rubbing his face tiredly.

Mrs. Warren had died during surgery.

One of the complications they expected had actually occurred and Sloan hadn't succeeded to take her back. The surgery had failed, their plan had failed and it burnt. You didn't expect these top notch to fail, Sloan was a guru of plastics, everything he touched turned into pure gold. Not this time.

Alex felt frustrated and, to his surprise, also very sad for the woman they had lost.

He had grown to find her nice after all.

She had an iron heart at face value, she was nasty and piercing. But also smart and funny.

If she had become an egoistic and lonely person, it was not her fault but the result of a world which had isolated her, the result of relatives who cared just because of her wallet. And with a dignity and a strength which was out of normalcy, she had decided to make a step back and spend her last years in loneliness.

Now all the vultures would have free way, this was the circle of life and nobody could stop it.

Alex heard his name being called behind his back and turned around, surprised to see a man he didn't know. He was tall and elegant, all polished and refined. He had no idea who he could be.

"Are you doctor Karev?"

"Yes, I am. How can I help you?"

"I'm Gilmore, Nathan Gilmore" he stretched his hand and Alex took it trying to activate his brain. He really had no idea who this was. "Nice to meet you"

"Me too. Can I do something for you?" Alex realized this repetition could sound impolite but he was tired, he had no idea what this was about and, to be true, he just wanted to go home.

"I am Mrs. Warren's lawyer"

Alex's jaw tightened and he swallowed. Mrs. Warren had promised Sloan she would have sued them for years if she had died. She did die. Was this her final wish becoming true?

He stared blankly to the man in front of him. If he had news, it was his task to deliver them.

"She asked me to come here if something had happened to her during surgery. She had a very precise and rational view of what was going to happen here today. She had been settling stuff for weeks… we had been doing that. And I have to say that, when she called me this morning, I thought she was just talking nonsense. She looked so taken in this and I…. it felt strange"

"I don't know what you're talking about and how this can have something to do with me. I'm really sorry for the result of the surgery. She was…" a definition crossed his mind but he wasn't sure he could use it in front of a lawyer, especially in a case involving a dead woman.

"A pain in the ass, it's not a problem. It's how she used to define herself"

"Right… but she was also very clever and intelligent. I'm sorry we couldn't help"

"I know… but apparently what you told her this morning struck"

"I don't understand"

"She called me to tell she had to change something in her plans"

"She had decided not to sue the hospital after all and I made her change her mind?"

"Excuse me?" the lawyer looked confused but Alex was more. "She never meant to sue the hospital. She used this line to keep everybody focused"

"So what did I say to bother her?"

"Nothing… no bother here. On the contrary. She called me and asked me to give you this on her account, had she died"

He handled Alex an envelope, big, closed. The doctor rolled it in his fingers. He wasn't sure he could do this, taking stuff on account of the hospital. He wasn't an attending, he wasn't the chief. Whatever this envelope contained, it wasn't his place to open it. He stretched his hand back to mr. Gilmore.

"I don't know what this is about but… I'm not the person delegated to take official papers. I have an attending over me and the Chief of Surgery. These are the persons you should talk about"

"Mrs. Warren instructed me to look for you, personally. She said this wasn't about the hospital, but about you. So you're the person to get this, just open"

Alex sighed and did what asked. His eyes grew wider when he fished out a check. They went even wider when he read the numbers and the reason of the payment.

"Crap…"

"Well… that's not the kind of reaction I expected but… good anyway"

"She gave me 200.000 $? To accomplish my plan?"

"It has to be a really great plan"

"She insulted me in every possible way, told me it was a waste of time"

"Well… you said it yourself… she was a very special person. I hope she didn't get mistaken with you"

The man turned on his heels but Alex called him back.

"Mr. Gilmore…"

"Yeah?"

"Can you give me your number please?"

The man looked quite surprised but took a card out of his pocket. It gave it to Alex and the surgeon got he was waiting for an explanation.

"I'm gonna let you know if I can accomplish my plan… otherwise, I'll give you this back"

"Ok…"

"Thank you"

"I hope to have good news for you soon"

"Me too. Bye, dr. Karev"

Alex lowered his eyes to the check he was holding.

In the morning he had received an email from Karen and, for the few moments he had spent reading it, he had realized it was a serious organization. Those kids were really in need of urgent cares. And thanks to Mrs. Warren, he was probably going to be able to help them.

A wide smile spread on his face.

He wanted to tell the world this, he wanted to tell Karen and, above all, he had a medical project to write overnight.

* * *

_Sometimes it's difficult to pick up the right moment when things happen._

_They just do. _

_And warmth comes back to your heart._

* * *

Hunt was wearing his shoes in the attending lounge, sitting on the bench.

The door opened and he raised his eyes, smiling lightly seeing Teddy standing there in her street clothes.

"Hey"

She closed the door behind her back, approaching to Owen and sitting beside him.

It felt good, it felt familiar.

They had been best friends for a life and the distance separating them in the last months had become almost unbearable.

A lot of stuff had happened to the both of them and, for the first time, they hadn't been there for each other. Or they had been but not completely, not sincerely. It was time to make up.

"Are you going home?"

"Yeah… my shift is over. I'm looking forward to a beer and a steak"

"Sounds like a good plan"

"What about you?"

"I'm over too"

Their eyes met and Hunt got it was the time when he was supposed to ask if she was going to be alone, if she was going to see someone. How did it feel so difficult?

"Are you going to see Henry?"

His question took Teddy by surprise. She had come here to build their relationship back, apparently he had the same idea as Owen wouldn't have dared so much yesterday. She smiled to him before answering.

"Later… we're going to meet after dinner. Yeah"

Her eyes lowered and before she could realize she was fidgeting with the strap of her bag.

"I wish you happiness, Teddy"

His voice was so low that she had troubles hearing his words, her eyes raised though.

"I know I wasn't so supportive lately. I was so judgy and… hateful. But the truth is that I was scared of losing you. I had hurt you and… I was afraid you'd leave. Henry is a nice guy… he's… I hope you'll be fine with him"

"Thanks. I know it was senseless… what I did. But I never regretted it. He's a good man, Owen. Nobody deserves to be left to die without doing anything. I didn't plan to like him. But now I do"

"I know… and I want you to talk to me, to rely on me. We're friends, Teddy. What hurt me more is that I closed you out and left you alone in a moment you needed me. I'm sorry"

"You needed me too. I saw you went through hard times. I guess you had problems with Cristina but… I couldn't bring myself to ask you. I was afraid you'd have misread my intentions"

"It doesn't matter"

"It does instead. We let so many things come between us. I want to be there for you too. As I can do it, Owen. You don't need to protect me from the fact you love a woman"

"I know… I know"

"So… you're fine now?"

"Yes… we sorted things out… it wasn't a real fight. It was just different perspectives on life and family"

"She didn't want kids…"

Owen turned to look at her bewildered. How would she know? Right… Cristina and him had spats on this also in the hospital, maybe she had heard one. But it didn't look like this.

"How do you know?"

"Well… I know you quite good to know you don't put a relationship in discussion unless it's not for something important. I was sure she didn't cheat on you so… you always said you wanted kids… Cristina doesn't go for the hospital claiming she wants to mother a horde of screaming babies"

"No, she doesn't" he chuckled and looked at her "but she says she could someday so… it's enough for now"

"I'm happy for you"

He nodded and Teddy hugged him. It was so long they didn't share an intimacy. It wasn't just for respect to their respective partner. It was because they weren't good, they'd feel awkward. But now everything had been solved and they were back at being friends.

Teddy broke the embrace and took her bag.

"Have a nice evening, Owen"

"You too"

* * *

_It's not happiness… just a sparkle of hope._

_As that's what keeps us alive._

_The thought that things can possibly go better._

* * *

Derek and Meredith had found Richard out of his office.

They had given him the good news and shared with him the plan of Adele's admittance.

"So you can organize everything for the day after tomorrow?"

"Yes, Richard. Our schedule is free. We can admit her Thursday if that's ok with you"

"It's perfect… really. Thank you"

Derek's pager chose that moment to beep, he looked down to his scrub belt where the item was fastened.

"It's the ER"

"You can go, Derek. Everything is clear and I can wait till tomorrow if some questions pop in my mind"

"Ok… don't hesitate, Richard. And Adele too of course"

"We won't. Thank you again"

Derek brushed his shoulder smiling. He couldn't say more, he didn't need to say more. He hoped his feelings were pretty clear there, both for Webber and Adele.

"Don't thank me. Now it's better I go. I have to stop to the lab and lay this down"

Sheperd raised his hand where the big envelope still was.

"I can do it. The ER paged you" Meredith offered smiling to him. His pager beeped again and Derek sighed.

"Ok… look for Marcia, she'll open the door for you"

He handled her the documents and left, not before placing a quick peck on her cheek. Meredith giggled and Richard thought he had never seen her so happy as now. She was radiant and beautiful, there was a new aura surrounding her. When their eyes met she was still smiling, she lowered her eyes clearing her throat. Displaying affection in front of the Chief was never professional.

"I didn't see that"

"I know we shouldn't but… it's like we're walking on the moon right now"

"I know… and I think you should savour this moment till the end"

"Yeah…"

"Thank you, Meredith. I know you helped me… us a lot in this thing"

"It was a pleasure, Chief. And I did nothing. Derek did"

"Yeah… but I guess you played a role in it. You did everything to help Adele, even when I wasn't ready for it. And I'm sure you'll keep doing it… in every way you can"

There was something odd in Richards's voice and Meredith couldn't place it. Was this an invitation or a wish? Was it sincere or did it bring a subliminal meaning?

She couldn't decide there, she just nodded and made a step back.

"I'm gonna put this at its place before Marcia goes home… See you around, Chief"

"Bye, Meredith"

She turned on her heels and walked down the corridor leading to the elevators. It was late afternoon and the quantity of people around had meaningfully reduced if compared to the usual chaos, she got to the lifts and pushed the button. She rolled her eyes out of habit and she stopped seeing Mrs. Webber sitting in the waiting area. She was waving her hand at her and Meredith thought it would be nice to say hi. She approached smiling, her expression getting serious seeing how Adele's face changed where her hands lowered revealing her belly. It was like she had never realized she was pregnant before. Meredith decided to ignore the feeling and sat in front of her.

"Mrs. Webber…"

"Dr. Grey…"

She had never called her that. It was like she was scared. Or mad. Mad… definitely from the way she was staring at her and sending her piercing looks.

"Are you waiting for the Chief?"

"Yes, as usual. He said he would be done soon. Did you see him?"

"Yeah… three minutes ago. He was going to his office. You should call him, maybe he doesn't know you're here"

"He does… he does. Only he doesn't care. Not anymore"

Adele's eyes moved across the room and Meredith swallowed. It was pretty clear she was having an episode, she was not present. She stopped focusing on her face, a disgusted expression spreading on her features.

"Don't give me that look, Ellis. What do you think? That you can get pregnant of my husband and stop here so we can have a friendly conversation? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

Meredith's mouth opened but no sound came out. She was horrified. And astonished. She knew Adele's conditions were deteriorating rapidly, but she didn't think like that. She had actually confused her with her mother, she thought she was pregnant with Webber's child, she thought she was a whore. What was she supposed to tell her?

"Well… apparently this time you'll grace me with your silence. It's not you can deny this time, uhm?"

Meredith shivered. Adele and her mother had fought over Richard? She thought it was a secret affaire, she thought nobody ever knew. But it wasn't like that. Probably Adele had never mentioned it to her husband, but she had understood something was going on between him and Ellis Grey and she had chosen to face her rival. To scare her away, to awake some kind of moral hesitation. But she had overestimated Ellis' morality and dignity. Her mother hadn't cared of her warnings, she had decided to do what was best for herself and had kept seeing Richard, meeting him secretly, loving him.

"Are you sure that's Richard's?"

Meredith wasn't used to hear Adele Webber hissing like that. Even if she knew she had nothing against her, these words heavy with venom weren't for her, she couldn't help but flinching and feeling hurt. She needed to stop this.

"Mrs. Webber… this isn't Richard's baby. It's Derek's"

"Excuse me?"

Adele's face looked outraged, like she couldn't understand the meaning of the words Meredith alias Ellis was uttering.

"Derek who?"

"Derek… Derek Sheperd"

"Did you sleep with him too?" Meredith swallowed, she looked around hoping someone would come and help her, but nobody was in the nearness. She hadn't the time to turn around that Adele attacked her verbally again. "My God… Ellis… he could be your son. And he got married a few months ago. Can't you just keep your hands off married men?"

She stood up and Meredith mirrored her. The situation had slipped out of control and she needed to take the control of it. Some people were already staring at them, apparently their voices had raised of volume and attracted the curiosity of the people passing by.

"Mrs. Webber… You need to calm down now"

"Don't you dare to tell me what I need to do"

"I'm Meredith…"

She made a step forward but Adele recoiled.

"I'm Meredith… I'm not Ellis. I'm Meredith"

She pronounced her words slowly, grabbing Adele's hands in the while. She held her tight to root her, trying to take her back to present days, to her today, where the only thing she had to fear wasn't another woman in her husband's life, but a disease which was destroying her brain. Adele's eyes seemed to focus, fear and rage went away and she sighed, relaxing in Meredith's touch.

"Do you know where Richard is?"

"He was on his way here… He is going to arrive soon"

"Ok"

She sat, her eyes cast down on her hands.

"You can go, Meredith. Derek will be waiting for you"

Their eyes met and Meredith nodded. She couldn't stay here, not after what she had just witnessed. She needed to breathe.

She started to walk down the corridor and pushed the door to the stairwell open. She raised steps one by one, slowly, breathing in and out. She didn't know why this had bothered her so much. Adele was sick, she didn't know what she said or did while she was like this. But Meredith knew Alzheimer's good enough to know this wasn't a fantasy to her, she had really lived these things, at least these feelings. Ellis Grey had really destroyed her life, her marriage, her happiness, her chance to have a complete family with Richard. Meredith had wondered several times if her mother had been the reason why the Chief had never had kids. Today she had got the answer. Webber and her mother had always fooled themselves believing their affaire was secret and undiscovered. Adele knew about it, she had always known. This bound had destroyed two families, two couples and marked her life forever. So much of a secret… She bumped the door to the floor violently, almost hitting a nurse passing by. The woman stared at her oddly but Meredith didn't care. She approached the nurses station decided to find this Marcia as soon as possible, she needed to get out of here.

"Do you know where Marcia is, please?"

The man behind the desk raised his eyes and smiled to her. His eyes captured the approaching figure and he smiled wider.

"Right behind your back, doctor Grey"

Meredith turned around, noticing the short and round woman trotting to her direction. She addressed to her politely, trying to let her rage fume away.

"Marcia?"

"Yes, dr. Grey?"

Apparently everybody knew her in this hospital.

"Dr. Sheperd asked me to bring this back into the lab. Could you open it for me, please?"

"Sure…" she rounded the desk and took another giant envelope from the surface "I had to take this in too" Meredith frowned and the woman explained walking to the confined room.

"It's the new trial's patient file. Dr. Sheperd left it here before for me to deposit it. We'll do everything"

They arrived in front of the door and Meredith discovered herself to fix the woman's fingers while she typed the right combination and the door opened with a beep.

"Here we are"

Marcia held the door open for Meredith who stepped in. The nurse did the same and approached the filing cabinet where all the patients' files were stored. She opened it and set her envelope in an empty spot, turning around to see where Meredith was, expecting her to do the same with hers. Grey smiled, a sudden thought had just crossed her mind but she was trying to push it away. It was wrong. So wrong. She approached the cabinet slowly and startled when the man previously sitting behind the desk appeared in the room, calling his college.

"Marcia, the pit has just called. They need us down"

"So much of an easy day… Can you close when you're done, dr. Grey?"

"Sure"

"Thank you"

She left Meredith and her wrong thought in there. She was holding an envelope full of hope. A useless hope as the man it belonged to was dead. But she had another person who needed hope… another couple of people.

Before she could stop herself, she opened the cabinet and took the envelope she knew belonging to Adele, the new trial's patient. She raised it over her head trying to read the content of the inner paper. But it was too thick and she couldn't. She snorted in frustration and decided to do it in another way. She closed the furniture and hid the envelope under her coat. She walked out the lab, closing the door behind her back and heading to a view room ten steps far. She entered it and closed the blinds, turning on the screen. She leant the envelope on the light and sighed. Fate didn't love her, fate didn't love the Webbers.

Placebo.

That was the only thing Adele was going to get.

The computer had decided for her, the last trick of an unbelievable game.

She settled the files under her coat again and walked in the corridor.

A voice called her from behind and she jumped.

"Meredith!"

Alex…

She turned around and smiled, she needed to sound natural.

"Hey!"

"I got it, Mer"

"What?"

"The money for my plan"

"What?"

"My patient… she signed me a check to finance the plan. I'm going to write a kick ass plan and to bring sick kids here. Look"

He handled her the papers he was holding and Meredith took them forgetting about her hidden secret. As soon as she raised her hands, the papers fell from under her coat. Alex lowered to help her but she was quicker. She took everything and straightened up, trying to look casual.

"What are you doing?"

"Working… So is this your plan?"

She didn't look at him and Alex sighed, worried. There was something wrong in what he had just witnessed.

"What are you doing, Meredith?"

"I was working till you stopped me to show this. It looks great" she handled him the papers back "I'm sorry but I have to go now. We'll talk about it later and… congratulations"

She walked away and Alex turned to look at her.

"Mer…"

"See you"

She disappeared behind the corner, rolling her eyes.

* * *

_We fight like dogs to get this hope, to build it._

_But how long does it take for it to disappear?_

_The time it takes to read a word._

* * *

Derek was in the OR, he pulled his glasses and gloves off calling the time of death of her patient, laying on the table.

* * *

_The time it takes to set your scalpel down_

* * *

Alex laid a folder on the Chief's desk, he smiled leaving the room.

* * *

_These moments last the same…_

_Good things and bad things… awesome and horrible._

_World splits in two._

_And sometimes you're just standing in the mid._

* * *

Meredith was pacing in the lab, rubbing her belly.

She couldn't force herself to do what she was thinking of doing.

What was the sense of being a doctor if she couldn't help the people she loved?

She snorted and opened the cabinet, she took the unnamed file belonging to Adele and another envelope. She was determined to find a paper reporting the magic word in it. She repeated the same procedure she had done an hour before. She went into the view room and placed the anonymous delegation on the screen. Fate loved her this time.

Active agent.

* * *

_What makes you choose one side or the other?_

_Many things…_

* * *

She took this document out of its place and switched it with Adele's.

She reassembled the envelops and went back to the lab, reassessing everything.

She walked out, closing the door behind her back, this time nobody was walking down the hallway and she breathed out in relief.

* * *

_You just need to remember one of those when the world comes crumbling down._

_As, even for this, it just takes a second._

_And you really don't see it coming._

* * *

I hope to update soon (also my other fic)

Wait for a lot of comments


	44. CHANGE ISN'T EVER FOR THE BEST

_First of all Happy New Year!_

_I'm sorry it took so long._

_Two months are really a long time and I knew I promised to be faster._

_I hope it would be at least worth!_

_See you at the end of the chapter for my comments (and yours too!)_

* * *

_Picture yourself as an actor on the stage._

_Picture yourself worried and sweating and excited.._

_What are the chances you break down in front of everyone?_

_Nearly none._

_As you're a professional, you're an expert, you live with this…. adrenaline and excitement. _

_But sometimes the world just screws you up, it decides you can as well crumble down and fall into million pieces, it decides to shatter your dreams, it finds it funny and new._

_Everything starts to work in that direction…_

_Casualties and coincidences._

* * *

It had been one week after Adele's surgery, seven days Meredith's conscience had sometimes jolted up in her stomach.

Her interference with the Chief's wife had been decisive, she had changed her destiny in the trial, probably her whole destiny.

Derek had been happy Adele had been drawn to get the drug, excited to say it all. But he had respected both protocol and procedures, he hadn't told Richard about it. Nobody had to know. Meredith still remembered vividly the evening just right after Adele's surgery. They were lying in bed, exhausted and trying to relax. In the silence and darkness of the room Derek's voice had sounded like a whisper, but it had been enough to snap her back into the world from the slumber she had fallen into.

"I wish I could tell him…. Richard. I wish I could tell him his Adele got the medicine. I just hate keeping it from him"

Her stomach had jolted then, and it hadn't been because of McPeanut continuous rolling into her. A stab of guilt had crossed her soul. She was lying to the both of them, Richard and Derek.

Her husband was so crystal honest that he had never doubted her actions, he had never doubted she could have done anything to change the trial. And the thought to do it himself had never nearly crossed his mind. He had fought to do things legally, from Adele's early tests to her admittance. She couldn't tell him the truth and she wouldn't.

That's why she was feeling so bad right now, sitting on a stool near Derek and Alex.

Sheperd was free talking about the trial, the first evidences, the first results, how he was happy about it.

"So we collected all these data in a few weeks… they prove the drug is at least not damaging. We'll see if it works in the long run. But I'm optimist, the premises are good. And my team is wonderful"

His eyes were shining with happiness and tenderness, he flashed a dashy smile to Meredith and she smiled back. Cheerfulness disappeared as soon as she laid her eyes on Alex, he was staring at her with searching, accusing eyes. She felt awkward and prayed for him to stop before Derek realized something odd was going on. Lucky her, her husband chose that precise moment to stand up, picking up his empty mug and heading to the sink.

"Well… I guess I'll go upstairs to finish preparing. I'll be back in ten minutes" he kissed the top of her head and left the room, leaving the two residents by themselves.

Alex and Meredith exchanged a pregnant look and then he cleared his throat.

"He sounds head over feet for this trial…"

"And he is… after the accident of last week everything is going smoothly"

"What were you doing when I caught you with documents under your coat?"

Meredith dropped her cup snorting. Since their encounter out of the lab Alex had been acting weirdly with her, he always sent accusing glares into her direction. He had sometimes made allusions to her behavior but she had joked on it, hoping he would give up and stopped minding others' business. Apparently this wasn't his plan and she tried to sound insulted.

"I told you I did nothing, why do you just keep saying differently?"

"As I saw you. And I saw your face when you dropped those files. What the hell were you doing Mer?"

"Nothing… I did nothing"

"Well, for someone who did nothing you look pretty guilty, you know?"

Meredith snorted again and stood, she reached the sink and opened the faucet just to busy her mind. She needed to stop this conversation. He heard the chair scraping the floor and, after some moment, Alex joined her.

"I don't want to judge you, Mer. But I have the feeling you screwed up here"

"I did nothing and I don't know how I can drum it into your head. Just give me your cup now. Derek is going to be ready soon"

"Mer…"

"Cup"

Alex sighed and gave her his empty mug, it was pointless to argue with her now.

Meredith was in stubborn denial and was using her you-pissed-me-off tone. Apparently Derek being in the house didn't leave him much space. He could hear and Alex didn't want it either, at least till he didn't know what had actually happened.

"I need to go now… My patients need me"

Meredith smiled to him sincerely. His plan to bring sick kids from Africa had been a complete success. His contact had been efficient and quick and the kids had arrived two days earlier. The whole hospital had summoned at the entrance to welcome the new comers and Alex had been in the front row.

After all he was the leader of the Warren Foundation project.

Cristina and Reed had turned up their nose thinking this was just an attempt to jump up for the Chief Resident race, but Meredith knew Alex was really into this and she was by his side.

Today he was going to work with Derek, the simply thought brought the smile away.

He wouldn't tell her out, would he?

* * *

Bailey stepped out the elevator in a hurry, she was late and in seven years it had never happened.

Tucker had decided to caprice at the day care and she had spent there twenty minutes trying to soothe him. His baby crying while leaving him in the morning just turned her day off, she felt inadequate and lacking.

She felt a presence behind her and Ben appeared out of nowhere, a smile plastered on his face.

"Morning, dr. Bailey"

"Hey…"

He frowned as this wasn't the kind of welcome he thought he would get. He kept following her by her side.

"Bad night sleep?"

"No, just a bad wake up"

"Well… it happens when you open your eyes and I'm not there to cuddle you"

"To tell the truth, it happens when Tuck decides to screw up my schedule"

"I missed you too, Miranda"

She muttered something under her breath and he couldn't catch it, he rolled his eyes.

"Right… just to know… will you talk to me or it's better I disappear through the day?"

Bailey stopped in the mid of the hallway, frantic and disturbed.

"Is it necessary we do that right now?"

"I just wanted to say hi and you reversed your bad mood all over me"

"It happens in couples to reverse staff on your lover"

"I know and I love you do it" he leant and kissed her cheek "but… cut it now. I'm sorry your son messed up but you can't be mad or ignore me the whole day"

"I was just trying to reach the lounge, Ben. I have stuff to do and I hate to be late"

"Just stopping bye and say hi to me shouldn't be a bother, you know? If you had done this kindly, I would be gone by now. But I guess it doesn't count for you as it does for me"

His pager beeped and he look at it.

"Looks like you're not the only one busy here… Have a less crappy day"

He walked away and Miranda sighed.

"Ben…" he didn't stop though. She raised her eyes breathing in deeply. She hadn't meant for this to happen, she hadn't meant to be so rude and cold to him. She made mental note to apologize later and entered the attending lounge with quick steps. She spotted Arizona and Callie sitting on a bench, Teddy in front of the mirror to adjust her hair.

"Morning"

"Hey Bailey!" Arizona's voice sounded so joyful that Miranda felt irritated more than ever. "Did you meet your patient?"

Bailey dropped her bag on the bench and took off her jacket vigorously.

"I'm here changing into my scrubs. How could I have already met my patient?"

"Well… I thought maybe you had stopped by"

"I happen to have a kid myself and I have stuff to do for him"

Callie frowned, Bailey was a little bit strange. She always visited her baby patients before surgery. It was clear something had happened that morning. They were aware she was having a hard time with her ex husband, she wondered if problems were extending to her son too.

"Is Tuck all right?"

"He is" Arizona quirked her eyebrows but Callie shook her head. "He wasn't in the mood to stop at daycare. And his teacher wasn't in the mood to let it go. She got me to stay there and give some speech about the importance to be there for my kid… to give time and attention…" she closed her closet violently and Callie got the teacher had hit a nerve.

"You're a good mother, Bailey"

"The mere fact everyone feels the need to said it loud to me…. I guess says it all. My patient is waiting for me"

She put her stethoscope around her neck and left the room.

She headed to the conference room when she was supposed to meet the chief and have a presentation of the case. She really needed to work, she really needed to lose her mind… busy her brain to fade bad thoughts away.

She had never thought to be a bad mother, even when her husband had made everything to let her believe that. She worked, but she cared about her baby, she gave him all the time she had. Maybe it wasn't much, of course it wasn't like she was home the whole day, but she played with him, helped him with his simple homework, told him fairytales before going to sleep. She didn't deserve the patronizing looks she got every morning, she didn't deserve to be judged.

She sighed trying to push these worries away, today was a great day, she had to welcome a foreign and very far baby who needed help and the case was going to be very demanding, at the limit of her possibilities. That's why she had involved the Chief too. The press was looking at SGH, they had captured the attention and focus with this great program about African kids and they needed to make it right.

Her patient needed a liver transplant in the long run, but now they had to solve a congenital defect to the spleen, which was not located in the abdomen but rested somewhere in his chest.

It had been a miracle the kid had survived eight years like this.

It was unbelievable how the world could be so different. It took five minutes with an MRI to notice the defect, it had taken seven painful years for this baby to be treated. They were places where a hospital was a privilege, where a scan was a miracle.

Hunt and Altman had made them all a training session the previous week, they had explained them how things can work in Africa, in places where people don't have flowing water but they have to reach far spring, walking even 20 mile to go and back; you can't expect these places to have anything but a local clinic with simple treatments. It's easier to die for dysentery and fever than for a dislocated spleen.

The boy she was going to cure was much similar to Tuck, he was smaller than his age suggested.

His body hadn't grown how it was supposed to be. Only nobody had cared as malnutrition was also a good cause of underdevelopment. And this had been the possible case he hadn't died right then.

She sighed looking at the scans attached to the walls, Webber was staring at the glowing mass popping out of the image. He smiled to her when she entered.

"This is going to be a good one"

"I hope so"

"You know… when Karev came to me with this idea I thought he was out of mind"

"He had an ace in the hole instead"

"Yes, and it looks like they selected a lot of interesting cases"

"Interesting in the bad sense… you wouldn't believe in this…"

She pointed to the image and Webber patted her shoulder.

"We're the right people to fix this. We have all the means and equipment. These are the moments I remember why I became a surgeon in the first place. I'll see you in half an hour"

Webber left the room and Bailey stood in front of the wall fixing the scans absent mindedly.

* * *

Alex entered the locker room quickly, he was late and he couldn't allow it today.

He threw his case on the bench and took off his shirt quickly.

Someone cleared his throat from the corner in front of the mirror and he realized it was Cristina. She was staring meaningfully at his paper bag, she raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"You took this stuff pretty seriously"

Alex continued to change into his scrubs sounding casual.

"What stuff?"

"Baby saving and plan promoter… You look to be flying pretty high"

"I'm just doing my job. And you're biting my ass as I was a genius"

"You gave us some pretty good case, that's for sure"

"And started a program which can open a golden way for our hospital. And the doors to chief resident to me in the while. But I'm not thinking about it today. Today three of my kids will have their first visit and probably surgery. I have to present each case and work with Sheperd all day. I'm really busy actually"

"Minor procedures"

"Keep saying yourself that…"

Cristina was spreading a cream on her hands, she stroked her forearms carefully and adjusted her long sleeve green shirt. She sat in front of Alex stretching her legs, observing his final dressing operations.

"Just to be true to each other… are these kids your primary concern or you made this up to get chief resident?"

"You're not serious on this one…"

"Do you think?"

Alex chuckled, he stretched his scrub top and secured his pager to his belt.

"If you listened to me sometimes, you'd know I was pretty tired of fixing boobs and buttocks. I was looking for something new and met Karen"

"So Mrs. Africa changed your twisted soul?"

"She didn't change anything. She had a good idea and I had bucks to realize it. That's how programs work, Yang. And yes… this will buy me points for Chief Resident too"

"You really pine for it…"

"Like others. I pine, you're drooling"

"Not anymore"

"You're already accepted I'm gonna get it? Is this you downing your arms?"

Cristina bit her lip and Alex looked at her suspiciously.

"I'm not recognizing you deserve it. I'm just saying you will probably get it"

"What would that mean?"

"Meredith is going to take her leave soon"

"It's not like she's gonna stay home forever"

"And Hunt will never pick me"

"What does Hunt figure in this?"

"The Chief asked him to make the choice. He's not going to pick me. Almost wife… remember?"

"So me winning it is not out of credit. Is it what you're saying?"

Cristina's lips twitched slightly upwards, she stood and patted Alex's shoulder.

"You're anyway better than the Mercy Westerns. And you scored with this Save Africa kids thing… so… not as good as me but…. passable"

Alex smiled, from Cristina this was a compliment, the best compliment she would never make him.

But despite her words, he wasn't that self confident.

If Webber had appointed Hunt to make a choice, Cristina wasn't out of the game. The residents were all good, Yang and Hunt were going to get married and nobody would object he would pick her for partiality, the stage of their relationship was much further than this. And for Meredith… she had all her chances too. She was running a successful trial, she had made good things all over internship and residency. The maternity leave didn't arrive in the best moment here but… chief resident was a two years nomination, Hunt would pick her anyway.

Alex sighed, he was truly worried for Meredith. He was sure she was lying to him. The sensation had grown certainty at the way she had acted in the morning during their breakfast together. All the times he had opened his mouth, she had held her breath. He wondered if Cristina knew something about this. She realized his hesitancy and grinned.

"What? Did my fawning left you without words?"

He rolled his eyes and they walked to the door together, Alex leaving her way out of chivalry.

"No… I'm just a little worried for Meredith, you know?"

"No, I don't. Why?"

"I find her pretty strange lately"

"She's badly pregnant if you haven't realized it"

"It's not that. I think the trial is affecting her"

"It surely has" she turned around to face him and he stared at her expectantly "She dropped Webber's trial to treat loony. What does this tell you?" she opened her arms and Alex couldn't control a little laugh "badly pregnant, screwed expectations, upset priorities. You'll need to talk to her sooner or later, she doesn't listen to me. But… as you're a kid savior now… she'd listen to you" she waved a hand to say hello and walked away.

Cristina didn't suspect anything about the trial. Another evidence. If Meredith had nothing to fear, she would complain with Cristina about him. She hadn't. Alex sighed and stroke his eyes, he had a really tiring day ahead: a lot of good cases, some endorsement, neuro surgery. It was the idea of working with Sheperd which worried him. It would keep his mind focused on the trial and the possible implications of Meredith's actions. But he didn't know what she had done and he needed to. He was going to have to corner her again.

* * *

Owen was sitting in a conference room, a load of papers spread in front of him on the table.

He was going through the residents' files for the tenth time if not more, he was trying to know everything possible on these guys to make the best possible choice.

And he was sure it wouldn't be easy, he was sure it would spend a lot of time and energy to have some complain anyway.

There were a lot of possible choice, each one was good and wrong at the same time.

Chief Webber had given him some tips about this matter and he had gone through the protocol several times. Only the protocol mentioned a lot of criteria but didn't sort them for importance and each candidate scored different marks in the list; after two weeks of deep thoughts he was still in high sea. He had a shortlist of four names out of five, not much of an improvement.

"_Hunt…"_

_Owen was drinking a coffee from the distributor. He had endured a long surgery and he was in need of a big dose of caffeine. The rich voice of the Chief reached him after the first sip of black liquid had pinched his tongue._

"_Chief…"_

_Richard sank his hands in his pants and snorted, he was probably trying to fish out coins but the research had been useless._

"_Damn it…"_

_Owen found some penny in his labcoat and inserted them in the machine gesturing to the Chief to help himself._

"_Thank you"_

_He pressed the hot chocolate button and Hunt frowned, Chief Webber didn't look like a man who loved to drink chocolate for late breakfast. Webber seemed to read his curiosity and shrugged. _

"_I need some sugar"_

"_Of course…"_

_Richard took the fuming paper cup from the nozzle and took a sip, a wide smile spread on his lips._

"_This really betters my day…"_

_Owen took another sip of his coffee and nearly shivered. It was sugarless and bitter. He grimaced almost in disgust. Sheperd had really bad tastes._

"_So, how is the contest going?"_

"_Oh… I… I'm working on it"_

"_That means you have no idea of what to do"_

"_Not yet… I'm going through the protocol again and I'm very confident it will clear my mind"_

"_I'm not that sure about it"_

_Owen straightened up, his fist closed around the empty paper cup. He felt nervous. Chief Resident was an important figure, especially for the residents. It was the first authority they could embody, it was the first redemption after years of obedience and orders taken without blinking. It was just when they became attendings that they realized it meant nothing. But now the glove was in the air and he needed to make the best possible choice. And Webber wasn't really helping him by now._

"_I didn't mean to cheapen your reading, Hunt"_

"_It's fine. I thought knowing the rules was the first step to pick the right person"_

"_It surely is. But criteria and numbers don't always express the best candidate. I have never chosen a chief resident reading starting only from the protocol"_

"_I thought the choice needed to be objective"_

"_It will never be one hundred per cent objective. Each candidate has pros and cons. You need to figure out which could be the best according to your own expectations"_

"_That wouldn't be so difficult to do then…"_

_Webber arched a brow quizzically at him._

"_I mean… I would cut a couple of names then… and keep the others monitored till the end"_

"_That's a pretty good starting"_

_Webber patted Owen's shoulder and smiled to him._

"_I'll buy you the next one"_

_He walked away and left Owen with his dilemma._

Reed's file rested untouched in the corner of the desk. It was the first name Hunt had set aside. It was strange seeing she was her resident.

It was not like she wasn't good as she was, not perfect but good.

The problem was that she lost her nerve continuously and he had to keep her in line, push her, support her. She hadn't the potential of the boss, she hadn't the authority, the cockiness, the arrogance. She was going to be a good soldier but not a general. She wasn't meant to be chief resident.

The others… it was still of mix of sensations and impressions and he was finding it hard to place them in the right order.

He had sometimes put Cristina's file over Adamson's but then he had reconsidered it. She didn't deserve to be cut out just as she was his girlfriend. She deserved a chance. As lover he knew she would hate to be Chief Resident, the task would bring her out of the OR, the place she belonged to. But as surgeon he couldn't ignore she wanted it, she had the qualities to be it. He couldn't just forget her name.

Owen raked his hands in his hair, he really was in a dilemma. He pushed with his legs and the chair moved backwards, he pushed again and rounded on himself. The trip was meant to space his mind away, to take a break but it didn't work.

"What are you doing?"

Teddy's voice sounded, half amused and half curious, from the doorframe. Owen followed her voice and turned on his chair to face her. He smiled.

"I'm just trying to escape this…"

Teddy approached the table grinning.

"You mean the mess you always produce on your desk?"

"The mess won't kill me. This could do it"

She took up a paper and realized it was Cristina's personal file. She waved it and frowned.

"Cristina?"

"And Grey, Karev, Avery… everyone who is a possible candidate for Chief Resident"

"So it's true… Webber delegated it to you"

"Yeah…"

"I have never seen you like the Chief's right hand"

"I'm not his right hand. I'm just the guy he gave this puzzle to settle. And I've never liked puzzles"

"Don't look at me… Me either. And you know I have issues for choice making… "

"Yeah… you're too soft heart to let someone down. You'd split the tasks in four to give everyone a sop"

"Four?" She sat on the edge of the table right in front of Owen "This means you have already scratched a name. Can I know who?"

"If you promise you'll keep your mouth shut…"

"If it's not Cristina, tell me"

Owen's eyes locked with Teddy's. She was a friend, she was back to be a friend and he could ask her an opinion.

"Why would it be Cristina? Do you think I should ignore her?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said I can tell you if it's not Cristina. Why would you think she'd be the first one I cancel?"

"Don't know. As she would hate to be chief resident?"

"I think that too. But she doesn't so… I guess it's not enough to dismiss her"

"She would hate you forever"

"I know"

"Unless… she doesn't know you're the one to make the choice"

"She does. I told her"

"Oh…"

"I'm not gonna treat this like a secret or something out of legal. I will pick the person out of credit and Cristina deserves to be in the shortlist till the end"

"Impressing…"

Owen opened his mouth to speak but he really didn't know what to say. He had the strong feeling Teddy was making fun of him.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I am"

She burst out laughing and Owen opened his arms in disbelief.

"I'm sorry…. It's just you're being so professional and serious and…"

"What? I'm not serious usually?"

"You are. But you don't make papers, you don't prepare schedules and tables" she raised a paper where Owen had drawn a grid with qualities and defects of each candidate "have you hidden ambitions to become Chief sooner or later?"

Owen stood and took the paper out of Teddy's hand.

"I don't even know why I showed you this" he started to resettle his documents.

"So who did you scratch?"

"Teddy…"

"Come on… just say it. I won't tell anyone"

"Adamson…"

"She's your resident!"

"And she's too fragile to lead a pack of wolves"

"Ah ah…" Teddy stood and looked at Owen smiling "just relax. Nobody would think you'd choose Cristina for your story"

"I hope so"

"This isn't your main problem…"

"And what would that be?"

"None. If she doesn't dump you on the altar as you chose someone else of course"

* * *

Derek was leaning towards the handrail of the catwalk, a fuming cup of coffee in his hand.

He was supposed to meet Karev and his new patient in twenty minutes. Today it was free from trial's procedures and post ops. He just had to go through the patients' files, validate them all and then give start to the new wave.

Meredith was actually waiting for his approval to pick up the phone and call new people.

After that, they could concentrate on tests and results for one more week, the time needed for their patients to be scheduled and book a flight towards hope.

He was feeling a little bit nervous, he was always when they had to pick up the thread and make appraisals. He was always scared he would soon have the evidence the trial wasn't working. Till now he had been lucky, but each step had its risks and, despite the optimism he had expressed in the morning, he was full of fears and doubts.

He had grown a method to get rid of everything though. Better than quiet, better than the roof top, better than his weekly session with dr. Wyatt, better than a view of their new house and of his land.

His baby's scan.

When anxiety took the lead of his heart, he fished out of his pocket the ultrasound and peace invaded his soul.

His and Meredith's baby. In his hands, right under his croaked nose. Even if he could see, sometimes he didn't believe it.

He rolled the little picture in his hands and a small smile stretched on his lips.

Suddenly someone pulled the image out of his fingers and he turned around to protest.

"This is brand new! What didn't I see it?"

Derek sighed seeing Mark and Lexie behind him. He tore the scan off her hand and went back to his former position.

"Hey!"

"Calm down, Lex… That's his creature"

"I'm the aunt though. I have right to see it. And you shouldn't even have me ask you… you should show it yourself"

"I thought Meredith had…"

"She hasn't. And you have a new scan and I really…. really want to see it"

Derek looked to her from over his shoulder. She was making puppy eyes and he couldn't say no. Mark was looking at him meaningfully and pleadingly and Derek handled Lexie the scan. Her eyes grew immediately wide and Derek could also hear her brain working frantically. He smiled wider and waited for the usual, over repeated outburst.

"What stupid moron took this thing?"

"Dr. Fields herself"

"And why is it that you can't see anything?!"

Derek turned around, resting his back against the metal. He looked amused to Lexie and decided to play along.

"You're wrong…" he leant into her space and pointed to the photo "that's my baby… you see?"

Mark rolled his eyes.

"You wanna die here, Derek" he muttered before hiding his face.

"You smart ass…"

"Language, dr. Grey"

"I'm not dr. Grey, here. I'm just your sister in law… sister… little sister… and I'm dying to get to know this baby and buy stuff and…"

"… she can't as she doesn't know what will come out from Big Grey's…"

Derek burned him down with one look and Mark trailed off.

"belly…"

"Look Lexie… I know you care and I thank you for it. But we chose not to know the sex and it's something you need to respect"

"Even if I knew I wouldn't bubble it out"

"Maybe not, maybe someone would do"

He looked meaningfully to Mark who snorted.

"Come on… Shep. These are girls' stuff. Do you think I'd go ecstatic on a little crap producer?"

"The crap producer happens to be my baby… Meredith and I planned this… dreamt for this… we want this surprise and we're making sure nobody wastes it. You gonna live with that…"

He placed his hands on Lexie's shoulders and rubbed them. Little Grey rolled her eyes and tried to look away, to act haughty. But Derek was piercing her with his blue eyes, he was soothing her and being kind and he didn't deserve her to bitch around, especially on this.

"Fine" she gave him the scan back "You can tell dr. Fields to keep manipulating the scans for you, to place red spots on the baby's pelvis… can I just organize the baby shower or is this banned too?"

"Meredith isn't much for these things, you know it"

"She wasn't. Now she's head over feet, she's glowing with happiness and she'd be happy. It could be her goodbye to the hospital after all"

Lexie was looking expectantly to him and Derek couldn't find the strength to deny even this to her. Only they needed to be careful as Meredith could turn into a green monster. She didn't like surprise parties.

"Well… why don't we discuss this at lunch all together?"

"That would be great!" Lexie clapped her hands and jumped in excitement, hugging Derek tightly. He was taken by surprise by the gesture and hadn't time to recoil. He reciprocated the hug but broke it as soon as he realized they were getting strange looks from other doctors and nurses. They were in the middle of the catwalk after all…

"Ok… lunch then"

"We'll be there, right Mark?"

"Absolutely"

Derek had to control himself not to burst out laughing seeing the hollow expression hanging on Mark's face. He knew well enough his friend. He was in love with Lexie and he was happy for Derek and Meredith, but promoting a baby shower… well… it was further beyond his endurance limits.

They all got distracted by Lexie's pager beeping. She frowned reading the id.

"I guess it's better you go, dr. Grey"

"Yes… Dr. Sheperd… dr. Sloan"

She walked away quickly and Derek smacked Mark's shoulder noticing his eyes fixed on his girlfriend's ass.

"Hey…"

"We're in the middle of the hospital"

"We were even five minutes ago when you hugged her and she was purring into your ear funny ideas of parties and baby showers"

"What are you, jealous?"

"I don't get jealous"

"Are you sure?"

Derek's eyes twitched in curiosity and amusement and Mark leant against the railway, mimicking his position.

"I'm jealous of you…"

"Well, you should be of your girlfriend…"

Derek closed his arms in front of his chest, he frowned seeing Mark's expression. He thought they were cracking jokes but sensed his friend was being serious.

"Mark…"

"I feel like your life is sailing away"

"Excuse me?"

Mark swallowed and looked to Derek.

"You have a wife, you're going to have a baby. You're going to become Chief soon… you put to sea and I'm still nailed to the harbor. Sometimes I have the feeling we drove far from each other and… I know I screwed up several times but… I just… even if I deserved it… I feel…"

"Lonely?"

Mark looked at Derek and swallowed, his eyes resting again on the parking lot outside. His friend wasn't taking fun of him and his stupid romanticism, Derek was being cautious and caring. They had never talked like this before.

Their decades long friendship had lived different stages: from childhood to school years, from university to med school. Derek and Mark had grown this special link that allowed them to talk even without words, they understood each other, they didn't need to vocalize their state of mind. It had been the same also after their most shocking experiences. After Derek's father got shot Mark never asked him anything about that afternoon, he never popped a question, never pressed him on anything. The answers he may have wanted were written on Derek's face, carved in his eyes and Sloan did his best to protect Sheperd from the rest of the world, curious and morbid people who found this topic juicy and of good interest. All Mark knew about that day, was the result of Amelia's and the police reconstruction. He never tried to get a word out of Derek directly. After years, he wondered if this line had paid or had been the right one. After Derek's aggression, Mark had felt powerless and the world around him had crumbled down, his certainties had disappeared and his relationship with Derek had entered a way which had led to this state of mind.

"Yeah…"

"I don't hold grudges against you… and I'm not going anywhere. I'm still the boy you used to drag in every possible mess around. And, despite everything, I still care about you"

"It's just because you always take in desperate cases"

"I do… you're right"

Mark laughed and Derek patted his shoulder.

"You know why you feel like this?"

"Just tell me…"

"You're in love. Grey awakened the family man inside of you. Meredith told me this once"

"What? That Lexie dragged out my family me?"

Derek rolled his eyes, trying to make a serious speech with Mark proved to be really hard.

"No, that being scared is normal when you can lose someone you love. It's easier to close up and bottle up and pretend nothing can get to you. If you surrender to love… it can hurt but it can also put the world in your hand"

"Very interesting…"

"It is. You risked to lose me and you risked to lose Lexie. Your eyes are wide open now… you're more focused on others and you don't care just for yourself like you did"

"I have never been selfish…"

"No, of course not. Screwing around for years was an act of generosity. Not to mention worse things"

"Like what?"

"Like the sexual relationships I sensed you established with my sisters… how many and when… really… I don't know if I want to know. You're a better guy now, Mark. And even if sometimes you've the impression I'm not here, I am…" Derek's pager beeped and he looked at it "Work calls now"

"This conversation isn't over though"

"I'll see you around"

* * *

"I didn't think these children would have a proxy here…" Bailey muttered to the Chief while walking down the hallway.

"Just some of them have. And the Association made sure they could come too"

"So… are we going to meet the mother?"

"No, Manuel doesn't have parents. There's his brother here"

"And how old is he?"

"18 for what I remember…"

"And how are we going to communicate with him?"

Richard looked to her oddly.

"Speaking?"

"Do you speak Malawi language among the rest?" she scoffed turning the corner.

"No, I don't. But the brother does speak English so… we're going to understand each other"

They arrived out of the room and Richard let her go in first.

"Good morning… I'm doctor Bailey"

She smiled and the older boy smiled back.

"… and this is dr. Webber"

"We met already this morning" the Chief smiled to both guys "how are you feeling?"

"We're good, thank you. Everyone is so kind here. And Manuel had a really long nap, we got over the travel and the jet lag"

"The miracles of youth…"

"Will you have to cut my belly?" Manuel's tiny voice sounded in the room and Bailey sat on his bed.

"You're a smart boy… my son doesn't speak English as good as you do"

"We practiced… together. When we were told there was a chance to come here"

"You're serious. Not everybody gets prepared like you do"

"So… will Manuel get the first surgery?"

"Yeah… we scheduled it for this afternoon and that's the reason dr. Webber and I came here to talk to you. Like you know, Manuel's spleen isn't located in the abdomen but, for some reason we don't know, it located and settled in his chest. So our main and primary concern here, is moving it to the place it was meant to be"

"And how can you be sure it won't move back? I mean… could it do it?"

"No, during surgery we'll insert a net in Manuel's cavity, it will hold spleen and kidneys in the right position so that we won't have to worry about it anymore"

"In a couple of days your brother here will have to track you down in the hospital, the recovery will be pretty quick"

"So I won't have these pains anymore?"

"We hope not"

"It sounds…. How do you say? Cool…"

Both Bailey and Richard laughed.

"We're pretty cool people down here" she stood up "so… if there's anything you want to ask or know, just get us paged and we will be back anytime you want. Unfortunately, you won't be allowed to eat or drink in the next 24 hours"

"He will make up later…"

"He lets me eat sweets when I'm sick"

"And yesterday he had four puddings"

"Well… appetite is the first step to recovery"

"You see? Dr. Bailey thinks that too"

"I don't think that was the full meaning but…. Ok, you'll have your puddings after surgery"

"Ok then… we will be back in a couple of hours to prepare you and fill the last papers. Just call if you need"

"Thank you"

Richard nodded and they both left the room.

"We can't botch this one"

"How long is it since we last failed together?"

"I don't know… I don't remember it. But I don't want it to be today. These guys are too good to fail them"

"Yes. They are really bound. And young. They are going to have a very long life to spend together"

"It's something I've always blamed my parents for, you know… Being an only child. I always assumed it would have been great to have a brother or a sister to grow with…"

"I don't know. I don't have any myself. But Adele always complain about hers so… I guess we always want what we haven't"

"Or we do not appreciate what we do have. It's kind of worse"

"Yeah… so what's your deal today?"

"I have no deal, sir"

"Are you sure? As you look a little weird. And dr. Warren looked like a truck ran over him this morning in the OR I supervised. And some bird chirped me you ran over him in a hallway"

Bailey stopped in her tracks, hands on her hips and Richard turned around.

"You're the chief, sir. And it's unprofessional from you to hear to birds singing or… whatever"

"I only care for my staff. This thing is affecting you and I wanted to help. If you don't need it, that's better, isn't it?"

He turned around and walked away by Miranda's voice stopped him.

"Did you think I would have given up on my career when I told you I was pregnant?"

"Excuse me?"

"Did you think I would… I should have given away my career when I told you I was having a baby?"

"Not at all. Why do you ask?"

Bailey shrugged, she dropped her hands in her pockets and looked beyond Webber's shoulders.

"As apparently everyone is criticizing me as a mother lately and… I just don't know what to do"

"Maybe there's nothing you have to do. You're self critical enough. Do you feel like you're missing something?"

"No. But Tucker slammed it into my face. And I didn't pay attention as we were getting a rough divorce and he was pissed I was moving on too so… I didn't value his opinion that much. Then there's my mother who always asks me how I can raise a child and still work my full schedule. And I answer to myself that she has never worked and she can't know how you manage the both things together. She couldn't even manage one I guess. And this morning Tuck's teacher gave me a lesson of listening to my baby's wishes and messages. And this time it hit me. What if I'm fooling myself believing I'm a good mum and I really can't see it?"

"But we do see it. Tuck is a smart boy, he's happy and got through your divorce without a scar… no more that he was supposed to get anyway"

"That's comforting"

"Divorce is stressful, Bailey. The same fact that parents don't live under the same roof anymore is not something kids understand easily. But you're a careful mother, you're always there when your child needs it. But unfortunately, you can't always be there"

"I could if I didn't work"

"And reverse your frustration on him every day? So much of a service… Look… I don't have kids and maybe I'm not the best person to give you advice on this but… I've never thought you would have given up your career. Not when you told me you were pregnant, not when you told me you were getting a divorce. If you remember… there was only one thing I was afraid of…"

"Yeah… that I was getting better offers from other hospitals"

"That's right"

"This says something on us both"

"Probably… let's go and operate this kid, ok?"

"After you, Chief"

They started walking again.

"And you could also go and say hi to Ben"

"So that you can be the first one to chirp around? I don't think so"

* * *

Alex looked at his clock for the third time in five minutes.

Dr. Sheperd was late and that was pretty strange.

He was always timely and quick to answer his pages. Unless he was with Meredith and, in this case, he could need some more minute.

This wasn't the case though. Meredith was standing in front of the nurses station, filling some chart. Alex decided to go and wait with her.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She didn't look up and Alex felt awkward, she looked to be still pissed.

"Don't you even look at me now?"

"I'm trying to work here"

"And I'm trying to help you not to screw your life up, Mer"

She raised her head and Alex almost squirmed under her cold gaze.

"That's the last time I tell you, Alex. I didn't do anything and it's better you stop implying I did"

Her gaze traveled behind his shoulders and she straightened up seeing Derek approaching. He was smiling to her and she didn't want any suspect to enter his mind. She welcomed him with a smile.

"Hey"

"Hey… are you done?"

"Almost… I have three more patients to call and then we're ready"

"Good… I'm half way with my files. Within this evening I will be able to declare the first wave over. We'll start with the second"

"Can't wait"

"I'll see you later, then. You're beautiful" he leant to kiss her cheek and walked away leaving Meredith all smiley. The happiness dropped when she met Alex's face.

"Mer, what's going on? Does he know what you did?"

" What did I do?"

"I saw you with the clinical trial envelope. You were hiding it under your lab coat. Look, if you messed with this trial somehow, this could be bad for you... like, really bad"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Whatever you did, no matter how minor, it invalidates the entire project"

"Alex..."

"You could get into real trouble here, Mer. It's illegal to mess around with a blind trial"

"I didn't do anything! "

"You switched files, didn't you?"

She rolled her eyes and tried to walk away but Alex took her arm and pulled her into a conference room.

"When I saw you coming out of that room, you had just switched some files… is this what you did?"

"Alex…"

"Meredith…"

"Look, that's none of your business, ok? If I did something, it's nothing you need to care about, it's nothing which Derek needs to know as it doesn't change anything"

"But the life of the patient who was supposed to get the drug and didn't as you changed his assignation"

Meredith kept silent and Alex got he had hit a nerve.

"Look, Mer, this is greater than you and Derek and your trial. This is about our hospital. What do you think would happen if the FDA knew what you did? They would stop any relationship with us, we would be banned and this affects me as well as you"

"So this is about your career?"

"It's about everyone's career. Yours and Derek's too. For Christ sake, Meredith, he is sitting on a ticking bomb and he doesn't even know"

"He won't know if you keep your mouth shut"

"That's more complicated than that and you know it. If someone checks the original matches between patients and files, this will come out. Have you thought about it? I know you may not see it, but I'm trying to help here"

"You want to help, stay out of this" she hissed through gritted teeth and left the room. Alex breathed out, it was like bouncing against a rubber wall. He looked to his clock and sighed. He was late on top of everything and he needed to join Sheperd in their patient's room. He jogged down the hallway and reached him right when he was entering the room. To his surprise, he saw Karen was there too, they shared a quick smile and she spoke.

"Hi, I'm Karen"

"Dr. Sheperd, nice to meet you" he shook her hand and his eyes rested on the other woman in the room. She was holding a baby girl, 9 months old like he read in her file. "And you must me Makena, nice to meet you"

"Me too, dr. Sheperd. And this is Zola"

He got closer and took a careful glance to the little girl. She was crying, her eyes were red and puffy and they collided with his brown skin. She was chubby and gorgeous. Derek couldn't control a smile.

"Hey, Zola"

New tears spilled out and her whimpers filled the room. Derek felt his heart squeezing, it was the same feeling he always experienced when a baby was going to test his scalpel. He just hoped he could adjust this girl's problem.

"So… Makena asked me to be here to help, I hope it doesn't bother you"

"Not at all. Dr. Karev here told me great things about you and your foundation. It's thank to you too this is possible. So… from what I read Zola was diagnosed with spina bifida. And sometimes… babies with spina bifida can develop Chiari malformation. It causes fluid build-up in the brain. It could be pretty uncomfortable"

Zola was still crying desperately despite Makena's attempts to soothe her. Derek extended his arms and the woman passed him the baby. She was light and even more beautiful than he had noticed. She pierced him with her deep, chocolate eyes. He changed her position in his arms and she seemed to relax. "But sometimes, if you adjust the patient's head position... It helps relieve the pressure"

He smiled seeing the baby had stopped crying, she extended her tiny hand to touch his chin and Derek let her.

"Let me see this. Let me see this face"

The baby caressed his cheek and his was projected in his near future; in a few months what he was experiencing would be waiting for him every day, every evening. His heart swelled and his eyes got brighter, he was openly smiling and Karev was looking at him suspiciously. The tender moment wasn't even broken by Makena's assessment.

"We've had her at the orphanage since she was 2 months old. This is the first time she's stopped crying since I can remember"

Orphanage, crying… this baby had lived a crappy life till that moment. If he was right, they could do a lot for her. He tickled her chin and Zola giggled.

"Let's just run an M.R.I. and check to see if she has a Chiari malformation or hydrocephalus. If it's positive,

we're gonna have to do a shunt, drain the fluid. It's gonna postpone the spinal surgery, but I think it's gonna be worth it"

Makena nodded, closing her arms against her chest. She had been like a mother for these children for months. Derek felt for her too. It had to be hard, seeing sick kids all day and not being able to give them any care for lack of funds. Thanks to Alex and Karen, they had got a shot and at least the medical problem could be solved. He lowered his eyes to Zola again, she had succeeded in fishing a penlight from his front pocket and was looking at it curiously, rolling it in her tiny fingers and tugging at Derek's coat in the while, producing all kinds of lovely sounds which had Derek wrapped around her finger. Everyone expected dr. Sheperd to give the baby back to the two women but he was procrastinating, probably enjoying the contact and the tenderness of this encounter. Alex voiced it for everyone.

"I think she likes you"

Derek looked at him and smiled. He sensed it was time to part from this special one and handled her to Makena, the penlight still in her hands.

"She can keep that lamplight. I have plenty"

He sent a lost longing look to the girl and left sighing.

Alex took the chance to stop longer.

"He's the best of the country. She won't have better care"

"I know… and he looks to love babies so… I guess we just have to cross our fingers" Karen stroked Makena's shoulders and Alex nodded, leaving the room.

* * *

Cristina was sitting in the cafeteria with Owen, they were consuming their lunch.

She was scanning the room, the fork resting midair while she was energetically chewing a potato.

"Are you ok?"

Owen's voice brought her back to their table.

"Sure…"

"You look distracted"

"I was just taking a look around"

"You could go and sit with Meredith"

"Why should I?"

"As you always do. And you've been watching in that direction since you came here so… I won't get offended if you just stand and go"

"If I wanted to sit there, I would be there"

"Uhm uhm"

"Sheperd told me Lexie wants to tell Meredith about the baby shower. That's the lunch's topic"

"Oh… so you ran away and honored me with your presence. It makes me feel good, Cristina, thank you"

"Don't be so over dramatic. I had already decided to have lunch with you. This just gave me a further push"

"Really?"

Owen's brows ruffled in a way she found adorable. She loved how he needed to be reassured over her feelings.

"Yeah… we're engaged, aren't we?"

"Yes"

"So… how is your day going?"

"Nothing special. I had no case so… I took the chance to go on with… other stuff"

He mumbled his last words and Cristina got he was talking about the Chief resident.

"You don't need to feel awkward to talk about it. You were working on the Chief Resident nomination?"

"Yes… but I can't talk to you about that"

"I know and I don't want you to"

Hunt breathed out in relief.

"Even because your silence means that I'm still in the mix"

Owen's jaw dropped open. Cristina was really ten steps in front of him. She could read his words and mind better than anyone else. And apparently she knew the rules better than him. He just shook his head and Cristina smiled, she took his hand stretched over the table in hers.

"It's good to know it"

"Cristina…"

"No, don't say anything. That's good and that's enough. I mean… you didn't scratch me as I'm your girlfriend and this means a lot to me"

"Even if, for some reason, I won't pick you?"

Cristina stopped eating, Hunt could see the surprise and indecision on her face. She lowered her eyes on the plate and dropped the fork. Owen started to fear the answer.

"I would live with that. As now I know you took your decision just basing on professional stuff. A lot of people tell me I wouldn't want to be Chief Resident, I don't know if they're right. I mean… how can I? I have never been or had one so… it escapes me. I guess I value it as I like competition and I like to win. And it would burn if Meredith or Alex won and I didn't but… that's life, isn't it? One wins, the others lose"

"And where does all this wisdom come from?"

"That's me. I'm wise" Owen raised a brow to her direction. "Well… over competition and arrogance maybe hide it but I'm wise when I want"

"I just have to find the button then"

"You have to look for it, yes"

She gave him a mischievous look and they both burst out laughing.

"That sounded a little dirty…"

"I wanted it to be dirty"

"So we passed from baby showers to porn proposals?"

"It's improvement, right?"

"I don't know" Owen sent a look towards Meredith's and Derek's table. Cristina's friend looked a little pale, apparently the idea didn't appeal her so much. "Meredith might need something to drink soon. She looks like she's going to throw up"

"What did you expect? Her sister is going to drag her into a party with diapers and baby clothes. This makes her think of the delivery. And she's freaking out about it"

"I guess it's not something women like to think of"

"I guess not. And look to Mark, he's really enjoying the show…"

* * *

"You can't be serious on this"

Meredith loved her sister, but right now all she wanted was to crack her neck. Since she had dropped this fool idea of a baby shower in the hospital, she was acting all irrational and what pissed her more was that Derek looked to know it. The lunch had been an ambush and she didn't know how to get out of it.

She felt someone squeezing her hand and looked down, it was Derek's and she locked eyes with him.

"It won't be that bad, Mer"

"You did know about this, didn't you?"

"I have told him this morning. After I knew you had another scan and you didn't even mention it to me. Come on, Mer. We're all excited about this. It's just a party. Fun, food, drinks"

"Not for everyone. I hate this stuff"

"My sisters loved them. And I grew to have quite an experience. Fourteen between nieces and nephews, remember?"

"We always ended up drank before they were over" Mark muttered before taking a sip of his coffee. He jumped when Lexie's hand collided with his ribs under the table.

"It's going to be an event, Meredith. Soon you'll take your leave and the hospital is willing to show the both of you their happiness and involvement. This is the McBaby… the McBaby"

"Well… I guess it's useless I keep saying no. You'll do it anyway, won't you?"

"Yeah"

Lexie's face opened in a wide smile and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Fine. And when would you do it?"

"Today, 7 p.m."

This time it was Derek's turn to choke on his water. He nearly spitted it on the table.

"What are you doing… Dying?"

Mark handled him a paper towel and Derek cleaned his mouth. Meredith was still stunned, her lips nearly parted.

"What is this, Lexie, a joke?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"I told you could talk to her about this but…. Seriously… tonight? What was this?"

"My last resort. I've been telling him for weeks to inform you but it was never the right moment"

"You wanted to feed me to wolves, Lexie"

"Mark…" Derek said in a warning voice but Meredith had already changed color.

"Are you comparing me to an animal?"

"Calm down, Big Grey. You were a difficult person even before and now we have to deal with your hormonal version"

"You really don't want to know how hormonal I can be"

Derek came to her rescue and leant his hand on her forearm, he felt Meredith immediately relaxing.

"Ok… fine… you did this thing and it's useless we try to undo it now. How many people did you invite?"

"Well… the surgical team. And all the voluntaries from the clinic"

"Half hospital actually"

"It took me two weeks to organize everything. I wanted it to be perfect for you"

Meredith was playing with her paper towel nervously, she realized she had been awful to Lexie and se was sorry. She had really worked her ass for this and she didn't deserve this behavior. Only she was scared. She was going to be in the center of the scene and she wasn't ready. She doubted she would ever be but… like this she was unprepared and she couldn't decide if it was better or not. A sudden thought crossed her mind and her head whipped up.

"Wait… who did know about this?"

"Just us… I did everything by myself"

"But you invited people"

"Sure"

"And why in hell didn't Cristina tell me anything about this?"

"Oh, that's simple. Altman threatened her out of the OR for a month if she had opened her big mouth"

"You little…"

"Mer… stop there. They cornered us and we can't back off right now"

"Lucky you we can't"

Her pager went off and she stood.

"I'll see you later"

Meredith walked away and Derek burst out laughing when she saw her hitting Cristina's nape with her knuckles.

"Well… we survived…" Mark stretched his arms over his head.

"It appears we did" Lexie said following her sister's form leaving the cafeteria.

"I would have preferred you told me…"

"You would have said no. And what the hell is wrong with her?"

"She's just having a bad time"

"Watch out for the boys then… She could even think you don't need them anymore" Mark's eyes twitched mischievously and Derek rolled his eyes.

"Mark…"

"Fine… you're going for the worst torture anyway"

"We'll talk about this tonight"

"Yeah… I won't do speeches anyway… in case you want to know"

Derek giggled and stood.

"I wouldn't allow you to speak anyway"

He finished his coffee and settled the cup on the table. He stroked Lexie's shoulders and left.

"It went good, didn't it?"

Lexie stood up.

"I need to go adjusting the last details. I'll see you upstairs then"

* * *

Bailey had been searching the floor for ten minutes but she hadn't found any sign of Ben.

Not on the board, not in the lounge, not in the cafeteria, anywhere.

His shift wasn't over though, of this she was quite sure.

She crossed the hallway but stood in her tracks when she took a glimpse of a familiar figure entering an on call room. She headed in that direction and quietly opened the door.

Ben was changing his scrub top, the stranger who opened the door surprised him bare-chested. He covered himself out of instinct and sighed when he realized who it was.

"Hey"

Miranda closed the door behind her back, it was clear Ben was still mad at her but she wanted to apologize for before.

"Hey… I thought you would be still operating"

"I haven't started yet. The procedure is scheduled for this afternoon…. Late afternoon"

"Oh…" he played with his shirt and wore it, pulling the hem to straighten it. "So I guess I have to go and pick Tuck up"

"I didn't come for this. I wanted to apologize for before. I was mad and… you were right. I chose you to get it out"

"No problem"

"No… it is a problem. I was awful but it had nothing to do with you"

"Well… it's difficult to believe it since it always happens only with me" Ben sat on the lower bunk bed and then splayed on his back. "I have never wanted to impose myself on you… on your son"

"And you never did"

"But it's how you make me feel. And it confuses me. And it scares me"

Bailey took a deep breath and sat on the bed too.

"I know I'm a complicated woman… I know I let you think wrong things…"

"That's because I wanted to believe those things… I wanted to believe you cared about me… I wanted to believe we could have a future"

"And we can…"

"But you've just said you let me believe wrong things… Look, Bailey. I'm a grown up. I can take a break up"

"But it's not what I meant, you idiot"

"So now I'm even an idiot?"

"Yes, you are. As you assumed the contrary of what I meant. I care about you"

"You do?"

"Yes, I love you" Ben's eyes widened in surprise and Bailey almost recoiled. She had never admitted her feelings and now she had busted them. "I… love you. And I'm sorry I'm so bad to prove it… I've been living a bad period and… I lost it. And I counted on you. I count on you but I have a crappy way to let you know it"

"As this morning bitching would be your leaning on me?"

"Yeah…" Ben tried to control the laughter that was bubbling in his throat, but after some second he lost his battle and a loud sound erupted from his lips. Bailey laughed too.

"Well… I'm really a lucky man. I wonder what will happen when you really want to bitch around"

Bailey patted his thigh, a heavy stone fell from her stomach.

"So… you'd love me"

"Ben…"

"Please… I thought you were going to break up with me, call me names, yell at me… Don't I deserve some cuddle?"

Miranda stroked his cheek.

"You do. But this is not the place"

"Why not?" He straightened up brushing her lips with his "We're alone…"

"Everybody saw me coming in"

She tried to recoil but Ben kissed her again.

"That's why nobody will come in"

"Ben… please" she pushed him away, but her voice didn't hide her desire "I want this but becoming the last gossip in the hospital…"

"… isn't what you need, ok…"

"Thank you" she kissed him again and then stood, straightening her coat. "So… I have a tough surgery today"

"In the late afternoon…"

"Yes, and you don't need to take Tuck home. There's baby Sheperd's party and we could go all together"

"Like you and me and Tuck?"

"Like all together"

"It sounds nice…"

"I know… so it's better I go and do my job now so that we can have this perfect schedule respected"

Ben resettled on the bed and smirked propping his head on his palms.

"And I can take my nap. Have a good day, Bailey"

"You too, Warren"

She gave him a last smile and left the room, closing the door behind her back. She made two steps down the hallway but Webber's rich voice reached her.

"Dr. Bailey…" she turned around to face him.

"Yes sir?"

"I assume you fixed it"

"Fixed what sir?"

Richard looked around. A lot of nurses and doctors were following their conversation pretending to do other.

"The arrangement I asked you to agree with dr. Warren urgently"

Miranda's brows quirked but then she read Webber's expression. He was giving her a chance to make her private moment with Ben look professional.

"Of course, sir. Sorry… I thought you were talking about our surgery"

"So will he use another anesthetic?"

"We settled it right now"

"Good… so let's go and see our patient now"

He circled her shoulders and they walked away.

"You owe me, Bailey" he whispered into her ear.

* * *

Meredith entered the lounge snorting; it had been a quiet day, too quiet without the trial and she had gotten bored. The only highlight had been Alex's continual and persistent attempt to ruin her life. She had lost her patience before and she had kicked her ass mentally for admitting to him her faults. Her pissed mood had turned into rage when Lexie had popped the news of the baby shower.

All along the afternoon, she had been getting smiles and cheerings. In a couple of hours, she had to go upstairs and plaster a smile on her face, to celebrate with coworkers and strangers. She liked the idea… it was nice after all and it was for their baby. But the fact that everyone had kept this from her unnerved her.

Speaking of whom… Cristina was sitting on the bench changing into her street clothes. Apparently her day hadn't been any better.

"Hey…"

"Hey…"

"Getting ready for the party?"

Meredith popped the question non chalantly and Cristina looked up, frowning.

"Do you know about it?"

"Yeah… Lexie told me today. Thanks for telling by the way"

"I couldn't. She blackmailing me"

"Yes… one month out of the OR rather than revealing to me the great plan. Thank you for valuing my friendship so much"

Cristina giggled and Meredith looked at her more pissed than ever.

"Come on… are you serious?"

After a moment of seriousness and silence, Meredith burst out laughing too.

"Thank God, Mer… I was really thinking you were mad at me" She tied her shoes and then produced a little bag out of her purse "that's from me and Owen by the way"

"Did you buy me a present? Seriously?"

"Not to you, to Mc Peanut… or Mc Baby if I have to follow the fashion"

She launched her the gift and Meredith took it.

"Right…"

"Do you know you count zero in all this, right?"

"What do you mean?"

Grey was examining the packet to get where to start from, a pout on her face.

"First of all you'd be supposed to wait for Derek to undo it"

Meredith raised her eyes, arching her brows.

"Really?"

"That's what baby showers are for…"

"What would it be?"

"Parents, Mer. Mother and father. You don't get to open presents without him"

"Well… but I'm going to take the dirty job popping him or her out so… I can as well open some by myself"

She unwrapped the little packet and gripped something soft, a baby cloth she supposed. She pulled out a green pajamas and her brows arched in surprise, she grinned reading the quip and seeing the image on it. She reversed it towards Cristina.

"Seriously?"

The little garment showed a baby with curly wild hair and the sentence: My power is in my hair.

"That's pertinent, don't you think?"

"So, after all, you're one of those who hope the baby will look like Derek"

"Well… not everything… just some trademarks. Hair could be good, eyes would be good. It all ends here though"

"Cristina…" she said in a patronizing voice. "I would sign right now to be sure the baby would look like Derek…"

"Still Mc Infatuated, uhm?"

"Just realistic. No one in this hospital wants it to look like me"

"That's just for the show and the legend, Mer. You have nothing to envy to Derek when it comes to beauty"

Cristina was rummaging in her bag and wasn't paying attention to the stunned expression which had painted her friend's face.

"What was that, a compliment?"

Yang rolled her eyes.

"You can be such a moron sometimes…"

"Well… we're back at the usual you…"

"Why do you think Derek laid his eyes on you at Joe's? Why do you think he always looks at you like he wants to eat you?"

"As he loves me?"

"Well… I assume it. But as you're a very pretty woman, you lacked a bit upstairs but now we have compensated" Cristina waved her hand towards Meredith's grown boobs. Grey looked down and cupped them over her coat.

"Do you think they'll go, right? I mean… I have asked Lucy several times but she just smiles and doesn't answer… I can't have these stuff forever…"

"They'd protect you from rear-endings…"

"Just shut up"

"And I guess Mc Dreamy would like some smoothness…"

"He liked me even before. And I liked myself before"

"But now you're glowing. And you can even do the baby shower thing without freaking out. You've changed" she stood adjusting her coat "and looking at you I start to think I could change too"

Meredith smiled to her, she was happy Cristina was moving from her old and rooted certainties about work and family, Owen was a good guy, they deserved to be happy together. And Meredith had learnt on her skin that it was true… what they had always told her about kids. They gave you a new perspective, they opened new doors.

Cristina was walking out of the room and Meredith stopped her.

"I'm happy to hear that…"

Cristina smirked.

"Apart from the boobs and the nymphomaniac attitude"

"I'm not a nympho!" spat Meredith. Her eyes narrowed in surprise seeing Avery coming into the room, he quirked his browns and smiled while Cristina patted his shoulder.

"Watch out, Avery"

Yang left and Jackson smiled to Meredith. She lost her patience.

"Get that grin out of your face… You'd so want me to jump you"

* * *

Derek was standing in front of Zola's lying figure, splayed on the surgical table.

The procedure had started from almost an hour and he had prepared the baby for the fluid decompression making two little holes in her tiny skull.

It was impressing how children's bones felt under the drill.

Despite his long and successful career, despite the fact Derek could count on one hand the kids he had lost along all these years, he had never overcome the anxiety he felt while operating a baby, the awkwardness which invaded his arms and limbs when he pushed and pulled and used surgical instruments inside a tiny cavity.

Children weren't supposed to get surgery, children weren't supposed to suffer.

His breath hitched in his throat thinking at his own baby, sick and in need of an extreme operation.

As this what surgery was after all. Extreme. Doctors and Derek himself often used the term "routine". But there was nothing routine in opening up a person and rummaging inside organs to fix things.

The word expressed the uncountable number of times surgeons had gone through the same surgery, the minimal risk of complications, but Derek was sure it was meaningless to patients and their families. As they cared for that one surgery and didn't give a crap for the hundreds of times it had gone smoothly before and would go in the future. It just took a little mistake and a routine procedure could turn into a tragic event. Jenn's case had taught him this and it was a lesson he had never forgotten, would never forget.

Meredith could be her now.

A pregnant woman with an aneurism, brought in for a simple procedure and never come out.

It was something he had never recovered from.

Despite the awards, despite the praises, despite the success.

On the contrary, all this just made it worse.

Derek sighed behind his mask and Alex looked up to him from the other side of the table.

"Dr. Sheperd?"

He had been pretty silent all over the procedure and it wasn't Sheperd's attitude. He was famous to talk and ramble to others and himself all over his surgeries. It was how he taught and residents and interns had learnt to appreciate it.

Alex wondered if it was because of the baby lying on the table, Sheperd looked to like Zola a lot. He had proved it during the visit in her room, he had proved it insisting to run personally all the preliminary operations. And the little girl seemed to like him back.

Meredith had told it several times and now Alex had touched it directly; there was no more doubt, Derek would make a wonderful father.

"I'm ready"

Derek set the scalpel down and looked up, meeting Alex's stare.

"How do we proceed, dr. Karev?"

"We should ligate the bleeding vessel"

"Good" he took a tool and handled it to Alex. The resident focused on the patient and started to work. "The trick is to go in very slowly until you feel a little give, and then you should see some fluid"

When Alex pushed a little bit further, two little drops fell out.

"Got it"

"Very nice"

Alex gave the instrument to the scrub nurse, he could see her smiling under her mask. Sheperd was checking everything was fine.

"You know, I wasn't exactly pleased when you decided to bow out of the trial. But the work you're doing with the kids is really impressive"

Derek looked up and Alex swallowed. He was getting a lot of compliments in the last days. But one thing was getting them in a lonely hallway, another was being appreciated like this in the middle of the Or, in the middle of a surgery by an attending, soon to be chief, whom recently he had technically pissed.

"Thank you"

"And you were right about Meredith being the right person for the Alzheimer's trial all along"

Alex shivered, Meredith's actions had been constantly in his thoughts. He had a high opinion of her as a doctor and as a person and he didn't get how she could have possibly fallen in this mistake. A huge one, potentially catastrophic.

The effects on Derek's trial would be devastating and Alex at this point wasn't even sure of what he could do… had to do.

He just nodded staring at the last phases of the procedure.

* * *

Bailey was ready in her navy scrubs, her surgical cap already on her head, she left the attending lounge where she had refreshed before surgery.

Webber would surely be already in the scrub room.

She turned the left corner leading to the restricted area and her pace slowed noticing a curled figure on the floor, she took some step forward and when the person looked up she recognized Manuel's brother.

"Souleymane?"

The boy's head whipped in her direction and he made everything to delete the signs of tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Doctor Bailey…" he sniffled stroking his mouth with the back of his hand "I thought you would be already in".

Miranda set a hand on the boy's knee and sat near him, adjusting her back against the wall and trying to find the better position on the cold floor.

"There's still a little bit of time… What happened?" she tried to soothe Souleymane stroking his shoulders.

"Nothing" he met Miranda's brown and warm eyes, she didn't say anything and let him space to talk or not to. "It's just it all happened so fast… the journey and now surgery… I'm just a little bit dazed"

"It's normal to be… and it's also normal to be scared"

"I'm not scared"

Bailey gave him a little, knowing smile. It was enough to let him feel not judged but understood.

"Well… I am. He's all I have left and… since I was told he was sick I've been dreaming of this and… feared this. He could die, couldn't he?"

Bailey swallowed, she wanted to say this guy everything was going to be fine but she couldn't. The procedure, so simple for its purposes, was actually complicated and it was the kind of surgery which could end up presenting bad surprises. They had to move the spleen back into its original and meant to be position, but they could find difficulties when opened the patient up. The CT and scans didn't and couldn't say anything on veins, nerves, arteries. Everything could be a mass inside, they could find a messy bundle of organs very hard to dismantle. She was confident though, she had always to be. Entering the OR being sure to fail or being scared to fail was the first way to actually fail.

"There's a chance, I can't deny it. Your brother's status is pretty abnormal. His body grew freely for eight years, we don't know what we'll find till we do not intervene. But his vitals are good, his labs were good and he's strong"

"I just wish we could avoid this…"

"We can't and you know it. It was a miracle your brother survived till now. Leaving him like this is just like leaving him to die. Your brother is going to grow, Souleymane, his spleen would crush if we left it there, he would hemorrhage and die. Unless his liver doesn't fail first. I know these are a lot of things all together, I know it's scary. It would be scary even if you had your parents with you, if you were home. But you're here in a foreign country with people you don't know who are bubbling things to you"

"You're nice people"

"Thank you, you're too. And I can't promise you it will be fine, I can't promise you things which don't depend just on me. But I can promise you we'll give your brother the best possible care and I promise you this is the best chance he's got. The rest… let's just work and pray, ok?"

"Ok…"

"Is there anything else you want to know?"

"I…" he opened his mouth to talk and then stopped, Bailey smiled to him. "I don't want to look ungrateful or… anything but… is this worth is Manuel can't get a new liver?"

"No, it wouldn't be. But he'll get a new liver. He's already in the list and I'm very confident that, if everything today goes as it has to, in a few months your brother will be perfectly fine"

"I don't know if we will be allowed to stay for so long"

"You will. Karen and dr. Karev made sure of that. Your brother will stay here and Makena has found an accommodation for you. But, Souleymane, these are really not the things you need to be worried about, not now. Let's focus on this surgery, your brother is going to need you"

Her pager beeped and she looked at it. It was Webber, apparently she had spent there more time than she thought and she had run late.

"And my college needs me. Let's go"

She stood, her knees screaming in protest.

"Ouch… I'm too old to sit like this… Come on"

"I'm gonna stay here during surgery…"

"Sitting there?"

"Yes, I'm used to sit and sleep on the floor"

"But there are so better chances here… go and sit in the waiting area, I'll come to look for you"

"Really? I don't want to bother you"

Bailey stretched her hand and Souleymane took it, she pulled him upright.

"No bother, son. Just go now"

The boy nodded and walked away, Bailey adjusted her scrub cap on her head and pushed the surgical area door open.

* * *

"Mark! I told you not to put that there!"

Mark rolled his eyes for Lexie's nth scold, she was taking this baby shower thing horridly seriously. He was indeed standing on a chair, a big colored banner in his hands. He had tried to hang it twice already but apparently the damned thing wasn't supposed to be over the table either.

"Right… so where I'm going to put it?"

He came off the chair and waited for instructions, taking note of the ironic look he was getting from Cristina.

"Are you looking for something, Yang?"

"Yeah… I was looking for your balls actually. They were supposed to be there but it looks like you lost them somewhere. Might find them when you finally hang you funny banner"

She put a sandwich in her mouth grinning and Mark looked to Owen.

"How can you stand her?"

"She's funny. And she's not so wrong. Do you want me to help?"

"I don't need help. I just need to know where I'm supposed to hang this stuff. Lexie?"

"I told you half an hour ago it goes over the window down there"

"Fine"

He ignored Yang's mouthing to him about his balls and went towards the window, Owen following him.

"I told you I can do that by myself"

"I know, but we can do it faster together"

Mark grunted something but handled one extremity to Owen, they both raised their hands over their heads and fixed the sign to the window.

"It looks fine to me"

"Let's go before Lexie says it's not. Let's grab a beer"

They walked to a corner of the room and approached a little table, there were beers and chips and Mark took a handful and slammed them in his mouth. Hunt raised his brows.

"Hungry?"

"You'd be too. I didn't have lunch"

"But you were in the cafeteria"

"Yes… but my stomach closed when Lexie told her sister about this. I didn't think we would have survived Big Grey this time"

"Cristina says she's happy about this"

"Well… if she was, she hid it good" he took a look around and snorted "I hate this stuff"

"Why? It looks nice"

"If you had endured twenty Sheperd's baby showers you wouldn't talk like that. Not to talk of what I'll have to stand when Derek's sisters know we did this and didn't invite them"

Mark drank half beer in one sip and Owen looked at him carefully.

"Are you sure you're fine? You look… strange. And it doesn't look like it's for this"

"Ah… save it, Hunt. I'm just overthinking a couple of things and… I suck when I do it"

They helped again with snacks.

"So how does it feel to make Webber's job?"

"Excuse me?"

"The Chief Resident. Webber told you'll choose it"

"And why did he tell?"

"I went to his office to deliver my report and he said I should give it to you"

"I expected that report ten days ago"

"I had stuff to do and we weren't talking about that now. How did you end up doing it?"

"He asked and said yes, no big deal"

"Uhm uhm"

"Just sum up your assessments. I'm ahead in the choice and I don't want to go through your report"

"It took me time to write it"

"And it'd take me time to read it. Come on… give me the short version. Would be Karev suitable for you?"

"He would… before for sure"

"What does it mean?"

"Don't know. I had the feeling he was really into this before these kids thing. Now… I don't know"

"Maybe he just wanted to taste something new… and it's something really big. Does this change something in your opinion on him?"

"Nope… Karev is an ass. Just a sensitive one. He has feelings where you are supposed to find them but he doesn't let them lead him. He wants to be the first one as he has been an underdog all his life, but he doesn't make tricks. He could be a good chief resident" he raised his glass and Owen did the same "it just bothers me he prefers crap to my art. He'll feel good here"

He waved his hand pointing to the room, cribs and bears everywhere.

"Lexie is a great planner…"

"You'll tell me after nannies and all the crap she has prepared… and after this is over… we'll need a round or two at Joe's"

"Mark!"

Sloan turned and saw Lexie behind him, hands on her hips and a pissed expression all over her face.

"I didn't ask you here to eat and drink everything! Move… there are other banners to adjust and Meredith and Derek are going to be here in a while. And the catering hasn't brought stuff yet. And Joe hasn't delivered cocktails. And I had asked people to bring their gifts before so that we could place them in the cribs. And nobody showed up to try songs and choreographies"

"Choreography?" Owen muttered in disbelief.

"Hope Joe won't empty his stock…"

* * *

_Fortuity places people on your way._

_From strangers they become main pieces, something you can't live without._

* * *

Derek was filling Zola's chart in her room, she hadn't woken up yet after surgery.

He raised his eyes and looked at her sleeping form.

She looked like an angel and, despite the tiredness of the day, she brought a smile to his face.

He hoped his and Meredith's baby would look like this, with chubby cheeks and a little dimple which painted when she smiled.

A nurse entered the room and stopped his daydreaming.

"Excuse me, dr. Sheperd. Mrs. Makena is outside, she'd want to know news about the patient"

"Of course, let her in please"

He smiled to Alicia, one of the older nurses of the area, and resumed his writing.

The procedure had gone smoothly, Zola was supposed to have a quick recovery and, more than that, a normal life ahead.

Normal… what does this meant for a baby like this… abandoned God knows were, parentless and with no one home to wait for her?

He sighed pushing these thoughts away, Karen had been very clear on emotional involvement with these kids and Derek had underestimated the issue. He had never thought he could get attached to a patient, not anymore, not after what had happened with Jen. But Zola… she had stolen his heart the first time she had leant her soft and tiny palm on his stubby cheek. It had felt so natural and careless and… perfect.

"Dr. Sheperd?"

He turned on his heels and saw Makena waiting for him.

She was deadly tired, she had been in the hospital for days. She was the proxy of most these kids and many of them didn't speak English so… her presence had been constant and precious.

"Makena… come in"

"Is she awake?"

"Not yet, but she should be in a while. Everything went good, she had a Chiari and we corrected it. She should be fine"

"No more crying?"

"Not for the pain at least"

"My God… thank you, dr. Sheperd"

She closed the distance with the bed and stroke Zola's forehead.

"You don't need to thank me"

"Yes, instead. You don't know what it means to see and hear a baby crying all day, all days and not understand how to help"

"I'm sorry she went through this"

"Me too. But she'll be fine, right?"

"Yes…"

A sudden thought crossed Derek's mind and he couldn't help but ask.

"Will all these babies go back to Malawi?"

"I think so"

"Karen said there could be a chance of adoption for some of them"

"Technically there is. But it's really difficult. Adoption rules are very strict. It's possible for parentless babies and we should find a family till we're here and… Karen is doing what she can but… it's not so easy people want to adopt babies with health problems"

Derek's heart squeezed, he had never thought to adopt a baby as he had always hoped Meredith and him would have one sooner or later. Only he realized now things weren't alternative, there were a lot of kids who needed a family and few who were available to greet them. Usually people resorted to adoption after years of attempts to procreate a child, the iter was long, it took years and this ended up discouraging people and taking away the last hope of normalcy these unlucky creatures had.

Makena sighed, tiredness creeping out from every pore.

"Makena… Zola is going to wake up soon. There is a nurse here all time. Just go and rest. We'll take good care of her"

"Thank you but… she'll be scared if she wakes up and she's alone"

Derek approached her and rubbed her shoulder. Even from this contact he could feel the stiffness and tension in her muscles.

"She won't be alone, I promise. I'm on call tonight. I'll stop by and see how she's doing. Nurses will do the rest. Just go. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok… thank you"

She left the room and Derek checked Zola's Iv, it was fine.

A little bit closer, he realized she was snoring quietly, her pink tongue poking out of her lips.

He sank his hands in his pockets, a smile lightening up his face.

"Derek…"

He turned around, Meredith was standing on the doorframe, bright and beautiful.

"Hey… I'm late, I know. I just needed to check her before coming"

Their eyes locked and she smiled too, she got closer and laid her eyes on Zola.

"Look… she's snoring…"

"Now you know how you look like"

"Am I so adorable?"

"Not so much but yes… you are" his eyes twitched and he leant in her space to kiss her. Meredith giggled.

"How did surgery go?"

"Fine, we relieved the pressure caused by the liquid and I think she's gonna be fine"

His stare set back on Zola and he sighed.

"Why are you so sad then?"

He tilted his head to the side and smiled to her. He stretched his hand and captured hers, locking their fingers together.

"Nothing… it's just that knowing these realities you get how lucky we are, how lucky our baby will be. I relieved her pain, Mer. But she'll go home and be lonely anyway. How can we just be so egoistic and ignore this?"

Meredith looked at him with concern, she had never heard him talking like this. He looked upset and she had the feeling it wasn't just this case, it was something deeper. And there was a special light in his eyes while he was staring to Zola, a warmness that spread in her heart as this would be the way he'd always cherish her and their baby for the rest of their life. Derek had gotten attached to this patient, he really cared. Only she was meant to leave and go back to nowhere.

"Because we face problems just when we meet them personally. We all know there is poorness and misery, Derek. But it's when we find them right in front of us that we start to realize"

He looked down to her, his eyes resting on her hand, on her belly.

"Our baby will be the most loved, Mer. I swear it to you"

"I know… I know… Let's go now or we'll be late for his or her very first party"

"The first of a never ending list"

"Let's don't think to the prom now… It upsets me"

Their hands laced and they walked out of the room together.

* * *

_Meetings, encounters…_

_Our destinies cross and crash and collide._

_For job, for family stuff._

_Ways are endless._

* * *

"Aren't all these people meant to be waiting for Meredith and Derek before filling their belly?"

Cristina took a look around. The room was full and everyone was eating and drinking. But Meredith and Derek hadn't showed up yet.

"It's the end of the shift and we're hungry" Alex said before sticking a canape in his mouth. Owen joined them and handled Cristina a glass of champagne. "And it looks like you helped yourself already"

"I have a right to do it. I'm the Godmother"

Alex giggled before sipping from his glass.

"I had forgotten this… It will be more fun"

He looked around scanning the room, Cristina got he was looking for someone.

"Isn't your Karen here"

"Why would she?"

"You didn't invite her?"

"This was a private party. Unlike you, I don't make invitations myself"

"Oh… drop it, Karev. You turned your room in Mer's house into a hostel. I'm surprised Sheperd didn't kick you out yet"

"Maybe he enjoys my guests"

Owen saw Derek and Meredith joining the room and spoke to stop the spat.

"I guess he doesn't, Karev. But now shut up, they're here"

Everyone turned into their direction and Lexie started an applause.

Cristina giggled when she saw Meredith almost recoiling for the welcome. But Derek circled her waist with an arm and whispered something into her ear, she looked to relax and they reached the center of the room. Lexie got closer, a funny cap on her head.

"Good evening everybody"

The room went silent and Meredith really wanted to sink in the floor.

"I thank everyone for being here and for the help in the organization. I see you have already found food and drinks and… good… I don't need to help you in that. Before we let Meredith and Derek open their gifts, which I settle there" Lexie pointed to a table in the corner of the room, Meredith followed her finger and swayed on her legs. There were two cribs overflowing with packages and a table full of them "I just want to leave them a second to tell us something"

She turned to face her sister smiling brightly but Meredith wasn't smiling at all. Derek came to her rescue and cleared his throat.

"Thank you, Lexie… I… I really want to thank you for all this, it's more than we have never expected. I want to thank all people who are here and all those who took the bother to buy us a gift. You really didn't need to do it"

"Just wait and see what we bought you" Mark voice sounded loud in the room and everyone laughed.

"Thank you, Mark. I was sure I could count on you… Being serious, Meredith and I… we really want to thank you. This gives us the final evidence of how much you care about us and… it's more than we deserve, really. I've been here for some year now and… I felt home from the very beginning. Even during hard times… I felt like I belonged here. And I know this isn't probably the right place, this is a happy occasion but… I've never had the chance to thank you for the support you gave me and my wife after… recently… so I do it now. Let's drop the serious speech now and have some fun"

He looked down to Meredith and kissed her, eliciting claps from the crowd.

"Not so much fun, Shep"

Derek rolled his eyes for Mark's futile comment, he circled Meredith's shoulders and they headed to the cribs. Meredith's eyes narrowed in chock.

"Holy crap…"

"You won't drag me into shopping, Mer. We'll find here more than necessary"

Cristina, Owen, Mark and Lexie joined them.

"Show him mine, Mer"

Meredith rolled her eyes and Derek looked at her curiously.

"Are you already hiding gifts from me?"

"No, I have just left it in my locker. She bought something celebrating your hair by the way"

"Cute"

"I hope someone chose something even for me here"

Meredith was looking cautiously between packs and gifts, biting her lower lip.

"Derek has surely something for you, Mer"

Grey swatted Yang's arm, her insinuation raising laughers from everyone.

"I don't even know how I can still be friend with you"

"As you know I'm right deep down. Let's go and get you an orange juice"

The women left Derek, Mark and Owen alone.

Sheperd realized Mark was smirking at him.

"What?"

"You didn't tell me Grey grew more demanding"

Owen nearly choked on his drink and Derek rolled his eyes.

"It's none of your business, Mark"

"Look how she's looking at you. Keep up your pants, she'll drop them by her dirty mind"

Derek found Meredith in the crowd, she was actually looking at him. But her gaze didn't mean what Mark had implied.

"She's just scared by all this mess. She needs to be supported"

"And isn't it a good form of support? You used to be good at it"

Owen couldn't help but laugh, Sloan was really a desperate case. He could be an amazing professional and an incredibly amazing sixteen. No one would crack dirty jokes at a baby shower, especially not on the going to be mother with her husband.

"I'm still good but I told you it's none of your business"

"We used to share…"

"You used to share, I've never done it"

Derek picked up his glass again and spotted Meredith in a corner, she was talking with the Chief and Bailey, she looked relaxed.

"I slept with Nancy"

Derek turned to look at Mark, his mouth opening and then closing in shock.

"You asked and… I guess it was time to tell you" Mark swallowed seeing Derek's expression "it was years ago though. Before she got married"

Derek drank his wine, shivering and shaking his head both for the savor and the images filling his brain.

"And I slept with Amy too… I thought you should know"

Derek raised his hands looking away.

"I told you I didn't want to know. It was better doubting it than knowing"

"Well… now you know"

"I go to catch Meredith"

Derek left and Mark followed him with his gaze. Owen raised his brows.

"What did just happen?"

"Nothing"

"Who are these women?"

"Nobody"

"Nurses?"

"His sisters…"

It was Hunt's turn to open his mouth and close it speechless.

"I should feel better as I told him. It was not like he didn't know. Or probably I should feel bad as I omitted one"

"Well… if you want to live, it's better you keep your mouth shut"

* * *

_And sometimes you defense yourself from the world and don't see the inner danger._

* * *

"It was a pity Derek was on call…"

The party had moved to Joe's and Cristina and Meredith were sitting at the counter.

"Yes, it was. Luckily he helped me putting all that stuff in the car"

"It's better you leave it there and wait for him"

"Yeah… I don't want to go in labor for overdoing"

Meredith took a sip of her juice and rolled the glass in her fingers. Cristina noticed she was silent.

"Are you ok, Mer? Did this stress you too much?"

"No… I'm fine. And it was pretty funny after all. Overcrowded, but funny"

"You look strange"

"I'm not, just a little bit tired or whatever. It was Derek who was strange.. when I found him in his patient's room… I don't know. I guess he's taking these kids stuff seriously"

"Well, it's normal. Yours could come into this world in days, Meredith. Maybe Derek is just thinking about that and having sick kids all around must not be easy. Even Bailey was shaken"

"Did her patient survive?"

"Yes. I heard scrub nurses and the anaesthetist. It was a difficult one and the boy is packed up but he survived. He's on the transplant list now"

"I so would like to have a tequila now"

"I'll take you one in the delivery room. I promise…"

"Thank you"

* * *

_Bad judgment is sneaky and unpredictable._

_You don't see wrong even if it dances in front of your eyes._

_As it's difficult to accept to do mistakes, to admit to be where you shouldn't._

_It's difficult to admit to be egoistic and uncaring when you were sure you had devoted your life to others._

* * *

Karen entered Zola's room silently. The baby was sleeping. But she wasn't alone: in the dim light she recognized dr. Sheperd asleep too on the chair. Holding the baby.

She had cuddled on his chest and was resting quietly, perfectly relaxed.

The male doctor had circled her back with his arm, creating a natural cradle.

It looked a perfect family draw.

Karen smiled and approached the chair, touching dr. Sheperd's shoulder and awakening him.

The years of on call nights had turned him into a light sleeper.

His eyes fluttered open and scanned the room, it took him a while to get where he was.

The weight on his chest reminded him he wasn't alone, he smiled before realizing he wasn't alone in the room.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I thought you would be sore if you slept there all night"

"Thank you" Derek tightened his grip on Zola and stood, holding her and taking her back into her bed. He tucked her, pulling the sheet up and setting her favorite puppet near her. He lingered admiring her features before baking off.

"I stopped by and she was crying. A bad dream I guess. The nurse wasn't here, I sent Makena home so I held her"

"I knew Makena was having a nap and that's why I came here, to see if everything was fine. And you don't need to explain me. On the contrary… I'm admired. Men aren't so easy around babies usually"

"I have a truck of nephews and nieces… I have experience in baby sitting"

"I see… but it's not just that" Her eyes met his and he felt under scrutiny. "You like her… you have a special feeling with her. It's mutual"

"She's my patient"

"She's more than that. Since the moment you were holding her today… it was so clear"

"I didn't mean to upset you or her. I just wanted to help"

"Dr. Sheperd… Derek… " he nodded giving her permission to call him by his first name "there's no way you upset me. You did nothing wrong. There's no fault in getting attached to a patient, especially when she's a kid. And you didn't upset her either. Zola probably never experienced a paternal figure, a contact of affection with a male figure. You're just giving her something she has never had"

"And probably never will"

Derek sighed, this girl was really getting to him and his head was filling with strange ideas, impossible ideas, freaking Meredith out ideas. It was wrong and he needed to stop. Someone patted his shoulder and he turned around.

"Hope is the only thing these kids have. We can't take it away from them. And denying them affection so that they won't miss it… Let's just flow them with it till we can. And let providence do the rest. Good night, dr. Sheperd"

"Good night"

* * *

_Realization hits you like a full truck of bricks._

_You never forget the moment you become a parent, the moment you start feeling like one, the moment you start making impossible plans._

* * *

"Joe, another one"

Dr. Brad's voice reached Owen's, sitting on a stool near Karev.

"Brad, I thought you were gone"

"To your misfortune tomorrow is my last day. Cheers"

He raised his glass and Owen did the same, for the opposite reason probably. Nobody at Seattle Grace was going to regret Greg Brad.

"So, did you make your choice?"

Owen was pretty nauseous to listen to this question. He heard it ten times each day. And above all it wasn't pertinent there, in a bar, and with one of the candidates right near him.

"Not yet"

"Really? I thought it would be a pretty easy choice. Grey is the best"

"Each attending tells me this about his own resident. You about Grey, Sloan about Karev here, Altman about Yang, Bailey is a fan of Avery. I guess I'll have to decide without their opinion"

"Maybe… sorry Karev if I didn't support your candidacy"

"It's not a problem"

His voice sounded a little bit slurred.

"What are you, drunk?"

"I've just survived a baby shower. I needed something strong"

"Oh… I forgot the big party for the perfect family… "

Owen tried to ignore the sneaky tone in Brad's voice. He was going to leave after all. Fortunately for him, Greg stood and started to wear his jacket.

"I'd find it unfair if Grey didn't get it because of her pregnancy"

"It looks a little hypocrite from you. You didn't look to value her pregnancy that much and you didn't even respect her or her marriage. So why are you so concerned about her getting Chief Resident?"

"As Yang is your wife, Adamson is a moron and Avery has a pretty face and a great Grandpa. The contest is between Grey and Karev maybe. But the choice is on you"

"Yes, it is"

Owen sipped his beer and hoped this guy would leave soon. He saw Brad calling Joe's attention from the corner of the counter.

"Cheers! He is finally going back to where he belonged"

Alex read through Owen's mind and uttered what he was thinking.

"Cheers"

It had been an unpleasant conversation and Owen was sorry Karev, a resident, had witnessed it. He silenced trying to relax a bit, it had been a stressful day.

"So… for what it counts… it's unfair you exclude Cristina from the contest"

Owen set his glass down. He was really starting to get mad.

"I didn't say I would and you're too stoned to have this conversation with me, Karev. So… baby shower or not, I'm still your attending and it's better we finish this off"

"Ok… I didn't mean to be disrespectful. It's just that everyone here is siding with Meredith and I don't find it fair… I mean… she messed with Sheperd's Alzheimer trial… switched stuff or whatever. You shouldn't take Cristina off just as she's your wife"

* * *

_And you never forget the moment your ambition to be better leads you to hell._

* * *

Alex set his glass down and stood, he swayed on his legs.

"It's better I go now. Have a nice evening, sir"

He walked away.

Owen was stunned.

Had he said the truth?

Was he blabbing out of wine?

Hunt turned around but Karev was gone.

Brad was standing in the same spot, still waiting for Joe.

He didn't show signs of overhearing.

But that wasn't the point after all.

* * *

_And bring people you love down with it._

* * *

_So... the trial's bomb is up._

_And Zola is in the picture._

_I won't fool you: Derek won't take it better in my fic._

_On the contrary, another bomb is to come._

_But be patient: it will turn into a Roman Candle._

_Just read and review!_


	45. I FELT THE EARTH MOVE

Here we go...

This chapter has been ready for a long time...

I just took a bit to make it better... the best I could.

And even if I love it and hate it at the same time, I hope you'll appreciate it.

I wait for your reviews, they give me strenght and reasons to go on.

See you at the end for comments.

* * *

_When you are a kid there are a lot of things which scare you._

_Animals, dogs, darkness, strangers…_

_Everything is big blur of unknown and danger…_

_Then you grow up, you learn and nothing looks so scary anymore._

_But what you can't control._

_Diseases… accidents… _

_And above all the destructive power of nature. _

_Typhoons, twisters, seas storms, earthquakes._

_It's really impressing when the ground itself shakes._

_There's that noise in the background, a trembling mess, a roar… silent and powerful at the same time._

_Have you ever felt it?_

* * *

Meredith yawned in front of the nurses station.

She was still sleepy despite the long rest she had enjoyed during the night.

Derek had waken her up with a kiss , ten minutes after the alarm time. But it hadn't been the only surprise.

When she had finally said goodbye to his lips and left her warm cocoon, she had found a warm and bubbly bath waiting for her.

The right temperature, the right fragrance.

The tube had been a wonderful solace for her legs and back, tiredness had slipped away and she had dressed and prepared with a new, reinforced energy.

The day was going to be demanding.

She was going to meet the new trial's patient in ten minute, a young man with two very young kids. These were the worst cases, when she had in front of families on the verge of disappearing and she wasn't sure they could help.

She closed the chart and set the pen in the front pocket of her labcaot sighing, she leant against the desk waiting for Derek. They had parted once off the elevator, not before he had showered her face with sweet kisses.

During their way in and the ride on the elevator, they had got smiles and congratulations from everyone, Lexie's baby shower had been a real success, everybody had had a lot of fun and it was going to be something which would remain in the Seattle Grace chronicles.

He had been full of attentions to her; apart from the bath, he had prepared her breakfast, arranged a snack to pick up, insisted to drive her to work even if he was supposed to start an hour later.

He said he would take a shower in the attending lounge.

Strange thing…. Derek never took showers at work unless it was really necessary.

Like the time Mark reversed on him a cup of coffee, like the time a patient threw up on him.

All nurses had run to him to help, caring and attentive.

Meredith was going to throw up too then.

Those women hadn't self-respect, they threw themselves on him like she wasn't there, like she wasn't his wife. But she was and she had to admit the situation had bettered considerably lately, they recognized her status, more than that, they respected it. Mc Dreamy was still Mc Dreamy but she hadn't to shut up her ears not to hear spicy comments on her husband's ass.

His ass… Derek would be under the shower now, alone and naked.

Meredith had to slap her face lightly not to get involved in steamy thoughts. She needed to focus, she needed to be concentrated and she had to if she wanted to understand what was going with him.

She had tried to ask but he had dismissed her, his mouth proving to be an incredible distraction, he had spent the whole night in the hospital and he had come back home just to wake her and bring her in town. She could let it go for now.

And there he was, handsome and shining like a knight.

She smiled taking in his appearance, he was dashing sexy, his hair had dried freely and was wild and unruly. She felt the urge to pass her hand in it, to feel the silky curls under her palm.

"Hey…"

"Hey…"

"How was the lonely shower?"

"Not as good as your bath but nice. I needed to wake up a bit"

"I'm sorry…"

"What for?"

"I've spent the whole night sleeping… probably snoring. And you were here by yourself and lost time coming home to pick me. You could have rested a bit"

"Mer… we're surgeons. I do night shifts since I am 20. I can survive it"

"I'm just sorry"

"Well… don't be" he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and took a look to the room in front of them.

"Is Mr. Hobarts already here?"

"Yeah… with his family… wife and kids"

Her gaze went towards the room and she sighed. Derek brushed her arm and smiled.

"These are the tough case, Meredith. I get it sucks"

"I forgot it was them today. It always bums me out when we have an Alzheimer's patient with young kids"

"Well, there's no shame in sitting this one out. Why don't you just go and take a coffee? I can do the labs and pre ops by myself" She looked at him carefully and Derek thought she needed another push "I can do the intake"

Bad move. She loved his attentions, she loved his care. But now he was overdoing. They weren't home here and she didn't want to get advantages from being his wife.

"Stop treating me like I'm your wife. On the trial, I'm a colleague. I'm allowed to say it bums me out. Doesn't mean you have to feed me warm milk and run a bath. Treat me like a doctor"

She picked up the chart and Derek got she meant it.

"Right. Okay… Go do the intake, colleague"

He watched her go into the room and shake hand with the patient and his wife.

He turned on his heels and found Hunt in front of him.

"Hey…"

"Hey…"

"You ok?" Owen looked a little pale, the dark signs around his eyes contrasted his skin.

"You got a minute?"

"Sure"

Hunt gestured to a near conference room and Derek frowned.

What the hell was wrong with everyone today?

He had already had a disappointing and unpleasant encounter with Brad, his irony had upset him.

And now Owen looked like he had experienced a tough night with Cristina.

"Did Cristina kick your ass again?"

Derek turned around smiling, his hands sank in his pockets.

Owen diverted his eyes, he hated what he was doing, what he was going to do. But he had no other choice. He had spent the whole night thinking about it and there was no other possible way.

"_Owen?"_

_Cristina had woken up and stretched her arm to find Owen's warm figure._

_But the mattress was cold and empty._

_She straightened up taking a look around, the bathroom was silent and dark, she adjusted her hair and stood, being careful not to crash into anything in the poor light the moon was providing. She opened the door leading to the living room and saw Owen in the darkness, sitting on the couch. He heard her bare feet patting on the floor and smiled to her._

"_Morning"_

"_Hey… what are you doing here?"_

_She sat near him, stroking his thigh, her eyes narrowed seeing he was still wearing his jeans._

"_I couldn't sleep…"_

"_Didn't you come to bed?"_

"_No, I didn't want to bother you"_

"_Is everything fine?"_

"_Yes… just too much coffee I guess"_

_He stretched his neck, massaging his stiffened muscles._

"_Well… I was going to make some. I guess you'll pass"_

_Cristina stood, heading to the kitchen. She turned on the coffee machine and started to assess cups and mugs. _

_Owen closed his eyes._

_The night had been long but useless._

_He had relived the scene in the bar hundreds of time and hadn't been able to fade all doubts._

_Was Karev talking seriously? Had Meredith really done this?_

_None of these questions had an answer._

_Alex was clearly drank, he had spitted a sentence and Owen didn't know if he had to believe him or not. The consequences could be devastating and he didn't know what to do._

_If the situation hadn't been so dramatic, he'd have laughed._

_Derek had once asked him suggestion when he didn't know if doing the right thing or not._

_Time had settled all the pieces of the puzzle and, in hindsight, Hunt had understood he meant if reporting Webber for his drinking habits or not._

_He had. And Owen's forecast had proved to be right, awfully right._

_Derek had done what everyone expected from him, what he wanted to do, what he had to do. But Webber had reacted forcefully, Meredith had too. And in the battle, Sheperd had got killed, metaphorically. Other doctors had fought his promotion, had discussed and rejected his authority. He hadn't gained a medal but an attempted murder. And finally, even if he had done the public interest and more people had earned, he had personally lost._

_Now it was not the same thing. But the result would be the same. Reporting Meredith meant to kill Sheperd's trial, his career, potentially his marriage. There was going to be one only corpse on the ground, Derek's, and Owen was really feeling this pressure. _

_The general interest was far from being recognized. Everyone was going to lose. But Owen couldn't forget._

_He couldn't just pretend to have misheard._

_And then there was Brad's dark horse. Had he heard? Had he not?_

_This didn't change the result of his reflections, it only imposed him to act quickly._

_He had to warn Derek of the chance Meredith had really committed something stupid, he owned him this as coworker._

_Only this would put him in a really awkward and difficult position: talk to Meredith and eventually report her to Webber. Hunt was sure he would do it if necessary and if the violation proved to be real._

_He sighed passing a hand on his eyes._

"_Are you sure you don't want anything?"_

_Cristina called him from the kitchen and he shook his head._

"_I think I'm just going to get a shower"_

_He stood and headed towards their room, closing the door behind his back._

_He hated to behave like this with Cristina, but he needed time and space to arrange a speech._

_He had even considered to face Meredith directly but it would be a horrible mistake._

_This mess had to stay within Seattle Grace walls._

_It was work related and he wasn't her attending, her boss, her referent, he wasn't anything._

_His task was reporting what he had heard to the person in charge, Sheperd._

_Owen Hunt talking to Meredith Grey would be breaking medical privacy, compromising a possible investigation, messing up things even more._

_No, he wasn't supposed to do that._

_He just had to brace his courage, look Sheperd in the eyes and destroy his perfect castle._

_Hoping he wouldn't be caught under it._

"Hunt?"

Owen snapped back to reality, Derek was still smiling at him.

"Come on… spit it out. I'm starting to get worried here. Did she break up with you?"

"No… no"

"So what?"

Hunt sat on a chair, reeling one back so that even Derek could sit.

"Look… if you decided not to give Meredith the Chief Resident, you don't need to warn me in advance"

"It has nothing to do with it" Owen raised his eyes and swallowed "I need to talk to you about your trial"

"Oh" Derek relaxed against the backrest. He leant his palm on the table and stood. "Uhm... well, I should get Meredith. I just got a lecture on the failure to extend professional courtesy to one's spouse" he smiled but Owen gripped his arm and Sheperd looked down to him frowning.

"I think it's better you don't get Meredith"

Derek sat, his instinct was screaming bad sensations to him. Owen wasn't a man who liked to make dramas and unnecessary scenes. Something was really bothering him.

"I…" he waved his hand but words failed him. He locked eyes with Sheperd and pushed the stone out of his stomach "Karev told me Meredith tempered with your trial"

"Excuse me?"

"Karev told me…"

"I got what you said" Derek shook his head in disbelief "It just… what did he say exactly?"

"Not much, Derek. He was a bit high. He just told me she messed up with your patients, switched placebo and drugs but… nothing more"

Derek hid his face in both hands.

"Since when do you know this?"

"Yesterday… yesterday evening. I didn't say it to anyone, not Meredith, not Webber. I thought I had to inform you and let you… run the necessary checks"

"Thank you"

"Maybe Karev was too stoned and lied, Derek. But I couldn't keep this silent"

"I know…" Derek stood, he headed towards the door slowly.

Owen had seen a happy and cocksure man just five minutes before, the guy in front of him was curled under an invisible weight.

"Sheperd…"

"Yes?" he didn't even take the bother to raise his eyes and look to him.

"Brad could have overheard it"

Derek just sighed shaking his head silently.

Everything made sense now. He breathed out confirming Owen's suspect.

"He has"

"Did he say something to you?"

"No. But now I know why that bastard was gloating this morning"

_Derek shivered under his bath robe. The attending lounge was cold, Webber had really cut all the possible expenses. He went back to the locker room and turned on the light. There wasn't anybody yet. He stroked his hair to dry it, to brush water away. He went standing in front of the mirror and put the hat down, his curls had rebelled to the faucet and the primitive drying, they stack at impossible angles, twisted and ruffled. Derek passed his hand in them and went back sitting on the bench. He took a pair of white terry soaks and unrolled them, putting on first one and then proceeding with the other. He wore his boxers and then took off the bathrobe. His navy scrubs were ready and smelled of lavender. He took the pants and smiled sensing Meredith's scent on them. They felt soft and good on his skin. His wife, knowing the devotion he had for her conditioner, had recently found a powder smelling like it and used it profusely. It was infant and naïf, but Derek felt her closer like this. It was like wearing her, being surrounded by her. His heart felt warmer. He put on his t-shirt and then his scrub top. The door opened and he raised his eyes, still busy in putting in the sleeves. With little enthusiasm he acknowledged Brad's presence in the room._

_Since the fight in the parking lot, their relationship had been minimal, almost not existing._

_Derek had come back to full force in his role and Brad had instantly retired in one corner, taking care of minor cases, doing easy procedures that, unbelievably, he had succeeded to often mess up. He never delivered Derek his reports personally, he always sent nurses or intern, with which, Sheperd had been informed, he entertained very confidential and intimate relationships. Derek had never caught him in inappropriate situations, he had never received complains or anything so, whether he did or not, was none of his business. What mattered was that he had forgotten Meredith existed, he had never tried any other approach or connection. Apparently he did value his miserable life._

_Today it was his last at Seattle Grace._

_Derek wasn't feeling the satisfaction he would have expected. _

_Finally Brad was inoffensive and alienated, Sheperd wanted him out but, even now they were sharing a room together by themselves, he didn't feel the urge to say him anything._

_Greg did instead._

"_Good morning"_

_His voice was unpleasantly cheerful. Derek answered out of kindness._

"_Morning…"_

_He heard a locker opening and then noises of stuff filling a bag. He turned around and saw Greg collecting his personal belongings. Brad caught him in the act._

"_It's my last day. I think you remember…"_

"_I do"_

_For some reason Derek didn't understand, Greg laughed._

"_And I guess you will remember this day for a long time …" he hissed and Derek stared at him._

"_I'm sorry?"_

_Brad closed his locker and set his bag on one shoulder._

"_You know what, Sheperd… Life is circular"_

"_Is this your brand philosophy on life?"_

"_Kind of… I came here and you climbed on the throne, won awards, put up a fancy trial. Today… today life changes for everyone"_

"_Yes, it does. As you're gonna sneak back to your hole and nobody is going to regret you here"_

"_You think?"_

_Derek didn't like his face and tone, he had the impression Brad had spared some trick for his last day of work._

"_Relax… I've my flight booked for the night. At the moment I have nothing left here. I've tasted everything I could… good and bad flavors. I've enjoyed the pretty family party yesterday. Good times, Sheperd… I hope good memories will keep you up… Say hi to Meredith from my part… I'm not sure I'm gonna meet her today. It looks like the both of you will have a pretty busy schedule"_

Brad was perfectly aware of the bomb ticking in the neuro department.

Derek left the room quickly, he had a very important conversation to sort out.

* * *

Alex's head pounded, he squinted his eyes but the hummer in his brain didn't subside.

He didn't remember last time he had drank so much, maybe after Izzie had dumped him… maybe after.

A great professional achievement and a baby shower had been enough to settle him off.

Last thing he remembered was falling on his bed and closing his eyes, completely dressed and his new boots still on. He had woken up tired and exhausted, every part of his body aching. He had needed a whole pint of coffee to give a start to his fuzzy brain.

He had somehow succeeded in getting to Seattle Grace without crushing around.

He only hoped his breath didn't smell of alcohol.

Visiting kids like that wouldn't be good advertising for his project and the hospital.

He arrived out of Zola's room and picked up the chart the nurse handled him.

He stepped in and, only then, he realized Karen was there too.

"Hey"

She smiled widely and stood up, closing the distance between the two of them and kissing him on the cheek.

"Someone didn't have time to shave this morning. Watch out… kids don't like scratchy beard"

"I didn't plan to go around seeding kisses…"

Karen raised her brows.

"And someone woke up with the wrong foot too"

"I'm sorry… I've just a bad head ache"

"It happens…"

"You say so?"

"Yeah… usually when I overdo with scotch and beer, these are the effects even for me"

"Are you implying I was drank?"

"No… I actually did see you drank"

"No way"

"Alex… did you forget I drove you home?"

Alex stopped writing and looked up to her.

Now that Karen did tell him, he didn't remember ever getting into his car and driving home. Everything was a blur.

"You're kidding…"

"No, I'm not. I came to Joe's and found you half asleep and splayed on the counter. Dr. Hunt didn't look so much better than you, your friends had just left. I really couldn't let you go home by yourself. Not if I didn't want Warren's project to become Warren's and Karev's project"

"I wasn't that stoned"

"You so were. You were so stoned that you sang all the way home and gave me some speech about a contest going on in here… "

Karev chuckled. Karen didn't look bothered or anything. She looked amused and there was no more sense for him to deny anything.

"So you tucked me to bed…"

"Actually I did throw you in the first free room we met"

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely"

"As I happen to remember a damn thing about yesterday night"

He was smirking and Karen played along his game.

"To your misfortune there is nothing to remember. But I'm sure dr. Yang will freshen up your brain a little bit"

"Cristina?"

"Yeah… she helped me dragging you to bed. She looked pretty enthusiastic of your state of mind"

"Crap… she's going to kick my ass with this forever"

"She looks nice"

"She's not"

He took a look to Zola who was awake and was drinking milk from her bottle.

"You came in here early"

"I just wanted to check on her. I thought Makena would still be resting and Dr. Sheperd… well… he could not stay here all night"

"Was he here?"

"Yeah… I stopped by yesterday after driving you home and he had fallen asleep here"

"Sheperd?" Alex raised his brows, his boss' behavior had been a little weird around Zola.

"Holding her"

"Are you sure it was him?"

"Contrary from you, I didn't drink my ass off. I talked to him, of course I'm sure"

"Just checking. He doesn't rock patients usually"

"It's what he told me too. But I think our little girl here has him around her little finger" she approached the bed and tickled Zola's cheek.

"She looks good"

"Well… she is. I was used to hear her crying night and day. It was a nightmare… the journey and the two days we spent together. Now she's so quite … it doesn't look real"

"I told you Sheperd was a good one"

"He's more than that… can I ask you something personal?"

"To me?"

"On him… I know he's your boss and everything… well… fine, I shouldn't ask you"

"No, just do it. I won't tell anything if it's too personal"

"Ok… is he married?"

Karev looked at her for some moment and then burst out laughing, Karen looked to him stunned "What?"

"Nothing… I didn't expect you to fall for him too"

"I didn't fall for him"

"And why do you care about his marital status?"

"I wanted to know if he has a family… a wife… kids"

"To draw a strategy?" he asked smirking at her. Karen rolled her eyes.

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

She started marching out of the room but Alex stopped her.

"Hey… calm down. I was just mocking you. He does have a wife. Meredith Grey… do you remember my friend… thin…"

"The pregnant one?"

"Yeah… and this also answers your question about kids. He's gonna have one soon. And I need to find another room if I want to try to sleep one night out of five"

"Do you live with them?"

"Yep"

"So you're a big baby…" it was her turn to smirk.

"Take that back"

"Bye… big baby"

"I live with my friends not with my parents"

"It's not that different. I will write you a note, dr. Karev"

She smiled to him and left, Alex breathed out and stroked his eyes.

They were going to pop out his skull if his brain didn't stop throb like that.

He took a look at his clock and sighed, he had a time for another dose of caffeine.

* * *

"Hey"

Meredith was walking down the hallway, Cristina reached her from another corridor. They walked together side by side.

"Hey… what are you eating?" Meredith eyed Cristina's mouth and hands, she was chewing something eagerly.

"I stole a biscuit from the nurses desk" she licked her fingers and Meredith looked to her disgusted. "Don't give me that look… You'd like one I guess"

"Actually…"

"But I have none left"

"You're an egoistic bitch" she stroked her belly and Cristina noticed the movement "Don't worry, McBaby… Aunt Cristina will better her behavior once she gets to know you. She'll be a passable Godmother for you"

Cristina laughed rolling her eyes.

"What the hell was that?"

"Me telling my creature not to worry as I entrusted you with her or his future if I died"

"McBaby would be in sure ground, you know that"

"Apart for getting breakfast…"

"I would prepare delicious dishes all mornings… Derek's pancakes would become a far memory in a few days"

"Are you attending a cooking school? As last time I happened to prove your skills, I suffered for stomach ache for a week"

"That's because I burnt my cake and you were so hungry to eat it anyway… Breathe, Mer. I would give McPeanut decent priorities"

"As I wouldn't"

"Don't know. You look a bit confused lately"

"Everything is crystal clear in my head"

"Really? So just rattle me off your priorities"

Meredith snorted and looked up.

"Surgery. That's the first thing I would teach McPeanut"

"It's a beginning… Then what?"

"It depends if it will be a her or a him."

"It's recognized to be an offense to discriminate between boys and girls. Your education should overlook this"

"I won't teach my baby girl to be a whore…"

"As you would teach your boy to be a man whore?"

"It doesn't make the same impression on me…"

"Well, it should"

"Cristina… one day my kid will ask me how I met Derek. I will have to say that we jumped each other like dogs in heat. Not such a fairy tale"

"Why and when did you become so unromantic? You could always tell about the prom…"

"As it would be an improvement in your opinion? I just have to shut up on this if I don't want my child to hate me from the beginning"

"You're anyway the parents. McBaby won't hate the two of you for this"

"Indeed, McBaby will hate just me. As Derek is dreamy and perfect and chatty and will numb… everything. I'll start to ramble and mess up with the story. I'll be the dark and twisty and whore mother"

"Don't get upset for this. You might as well die before. And, as Godmother, I'd draw an idyllic picture of you… the beautiful and brave and talented Meredith Grey"

"Like you think this…"

They arrived in the atrium and stopped in front of the OR board.

"Quite board… Has Karev finished his kids?"

"I don't know. But I didn't have the chance to take care of any so… I'm not so informed about it. Why? Are you looking for other babies to godmother?"

"McPeanut will be the one and only to have this privilege"

"When you say a born lucky baby…"

"Speaking of whom… I overheard Alex and his friend talking this morning"

"Did you hide behind a corner?"

"Nope. I was just checking if Karev was still alive"

"Why wouldn't he?"

"He drank yesterday night. The girl had to drive him home. You missed it though. You were out stoned too"

"I was tired…"

"Me too. But I had to go and drag his ass in his room, all this why he was mumbling his speech as Chief Resident. I deserved to bitch this morning"

"Right, you did. But what were they saying to each other that you found so interesting?"

"They were talking about Derek"

Meredith looked at her surprised.

"And the fact that he was sleeping in his patient's room, holding her and whispering sweet words to her ear. Is he doing experience?"

Her friend didn't answer but just looked away, silent. Cristina frowned.

"Mer… are you ok?"

"Yeah… yeah… I got the impression he was all over her. I guess her story struck. I don't know…"

"So what?

"Nothing… I guess it's time for me to face the topic, talk to him. He might be oversensitive as the moment gets closer"

"Maybe… but watch out as Alex's friend pulled her clutches out"

Meredith arched her brows.

"She asked if Derek was married and stuff like that" Mer's eyes grew wider "She denied to have a crush on him but… watch out… just to be sure"

Meredith nodded and looked to the OR board again.

"Mc Sought after is coming…"

Grey looked to Cristina who raised her brows to the opposite direction. She turned around and saw Derek walking towards them.

"_Have you a minute, Meredith?"_

How could such a short sentence have devastating implications… Meredith couldn't really understand.

She had followed Derek expecting a coming out on Zola and his strange behavior.

What waited for her was an earthquake.

And the ground hadn't stopped trembling yet.

Derek was apparently calm, but it was a matter of seconds for him to really get mad.

Meredith was acting like a deer caught in the middle of the road by two big, powerful, blinding lights.

She hadn't expect this… she really hadn't.

_Derek had invited her to an empty conference room._

_He had moved his hand to lean it in her small back but, before it could make contact, he had pulled it back._

_Meredith had thought it was because of the public place and the people openly staring at them and their affection. She had entered the dark room and Derek had closed the door behind his back, his eyes never leaving the floor._

_He had closed the blinds and she had smiled, the memories of the "I-am-the-Chief-Slave" scene still vivid in her heart. And mind… core… everything._

_But he hadn't dragged her in here for this… for a quickie or some cuddle._

_He was clearly avoiding her eyes and she got closer._

_She touched his chest but the gesture didn't have the usual, soothing, effect._

_Derek moved back, his blue eyes met Meredith's for the first time and he walked away._

"_Are you ok?" her voice sounded concerned. Derek never avoided her touch, especially where there was a blind between them and the world outside._

"_No…" he raked a hand in his hair and Meredith sat in a chair, studying his features carefully._

_She had been thinking of this all night long, Derek's words had entered her brain and she was sure he hadn't uttered them just out of pity or frustration._

_Egoism of neglecting poor and sick kids had assumed a different meaning to him. And it had for her too._

_Just things were complicated now, as they were having a child on their own._

_Meredith wasn't sure what kind of mother she was going to become… having one kid was already a big step… two at the same time… only the thought freaked her out._

_And Zola was not a normal baby. She was a stranger, she came from a very far and different country, a place where kids didn't get anything but misery and diseases. She didn't get a word of what Derek and any other person said to her. Raising her… would be a mountain to climb day after day._

_This ignoring her health problems which were far from being solved and the long and winding iter they had to take to be able to finally adopt her._

_She had overheard once Callie and Arizona talking to Joe about that._

_They had already endured four interviews and the real procedure hadn't started yet._

_Meredith wanted to think this was absolutely normal and it hadn't anything to do with their sexual orientation. They were all good people, they could all be good parents, heterosexual or not._

_Strangely, Derek was still pacing in the remote corner of the room, his fingers were drawing circles on the table and he hadn't found the courage to look at her or say anything to her yet._

_Meredith swallowed and talked first._

"_Derek… I know how you're feeling"_

"_Do you?" he looked straight to the wall in front of him, his hands resting across his chest. There was a wrinkle on his forehead… he looked… mad. She noticed it even from the grimace appearing on his face. She was starting to get pissed too. It was not her fault the world was a total and screwed mess._

"_Yeah… this affects me too. I didn't think this would hit you so hard…"_

_Derek chuckled and Meredith frowned. She stood up, leaning against the desk._

"_What the hell is wrong with you? I'm here trying to be understanding…"_

"_Understanding?" he spat to her, an incredulous and defying look shining in his eyes. His blue irises contracted in thin slits._

"… _and giving to you support. I've been thinking about this all night… I came in here ready for you to ask me to adopt Zola and all you can do is yelling at me and giving me that look?"_

_Derek recoiled against the wall, he covered his mouth with his hand like he was going to gag, his back rested against the hard surface and Meredith read surprise in his eyes._

"_Oh yeah… I might be a nympho and lunatic but I can still read you. That girl stole your heart… I got it from the moment I saw the two of you together. And it's fine… I'm not jealous… She's cuddly and nice… and you've always loved kids so… it's normal you want to do something for her and I'm ready if we want to do this together"_

"_You what?"_

"_Only I'm scared. I tell you, Derek, as I'm very scared… like horribly scared"_

_Her eyes narrowed and her lower lip quivered. She sniffled and Derek sighed._

_If he thought he was suffering before, it was nothing compared to the stabbing feeling he was proving now._

_How Meredith could say this to him? How could she say this to him and be the same person who had probably destroyed his project and professional dream?_

_He shook his head and walked towards her, his own eyes threatening to spill tears. He took her shoulders with both his hands and pierced her with his blue gaze._

_And Meredith saw it._

_Incredulity, hurt, betrayal, the storm raising in his heart._

"_Derek?"_

_He walked away giving his back to her._

"_I didn't call you for this"_

"_Oh… what then?"_

"_Don't you want to tell me by yourself?"_

_He turned around and the coldness radiating from his face almost knocked her down._

"_I…" Alex's face appeared forcefully in her head. She shook her head slightly "if Alex told something to you…"_

"_He didn't. Hunt did. What the hell did you do, Meredith?"_

The following minutes had been a chess game.

Meredith's lips were sealed and Derek was really trying to keep his calm.

He didn't want this to become a giant problem.

But his wife wasn't making it possible, she had just barricaded behind a wall of "I can't tell you", "I don't know". She hadn't showed any kind of repentance or regret.

"Meredith, tell me exactly what you did"

Meredith was playing with the palm of her end, pressing it with her fingertips. Her face was enigmatic but resolute at the same time. She didn't look to feel the pressure of all this chaotic situation.

"I can't tell you"

"We can still fix this, but I need to know what you did"

Derek tried to create a contact touching her shoulders again. But Meredith shrugged them away.

"If I tell you, it'll make it worse"

"It's worse already. Meredith…"

"Listen, I-I... I love you" she raised her hands to keep the distance between the two of them and Derek's face fell. "And I'm sorry. But I can't tell you anything"

Their eyes locked and he sighed.

This put an end to his effort to recompose things, to solve the matter inside the department. Dr. Grey wasn't leaving him any space, any room. She had violated his… their protocol and there was nothing he could do.

But delivering the problem to someone higher than him.

"You don't give me another choice, dr. Grey. Do you get that?"

She looked away, closing her arms in front of her chest and Derek got the conversation was over. He opened the door resolutely and stood there, waiting for her to leave. She walked out, slowing down for a second when she found herself within his personal space. Derek wasn't looking at her, he just pulled the door and headed to the next exam room inviting her to follow him.

When he opened the door, Meredith's pace slowed.

The Chief was there.

Derek sighed again, his shoulder brushed hers and he talked to her.

"You wanted to be treated like a colleague? I'm gonna treat you like a colleague"

His voice had been so low and hollow she was sure the Chief hadn't even realized Derek had said something.

But he hadn't meant this to be private, his throat had been under the impossibility to talk. His chest was empty, his diaphragm hadn't found any air to push out and turn into speech.

Derek felt like the day Addison had showed out, taking all his hope and happiness away.

He cleared his throat and Webber turned on his heels, a small smile painting his face.

Derek sank both hands in his pockets and proceeded, his head low.

"Alex Karev informed Dr. Hunt that Dr. Grey…" he shook his head still in disbelief, Meredith's surname tasting awfully on his tongue for the first time in years "tampered with my clinical trial. She switched around the placebos and the drugs, probably invalidating... my trial" Sheperd looked finally up, his Adam apple rolled in his throat swallowing deception and hurt down.

Meredith wanted this to be professional, he could be a harsh professional.

Derek Sheperd had learnt many things in his long and brilliant career. Among these, he had learnt to deal with insubordinate coworkers and incapable residents. It hurt just to think to treat his Meredith like one of those, but the game was up and anger was bubbling inside his heart, reversing all his feelings onto her.

It looked like he wasn't the one in denial though.

Webber's shock was as evident and strong.

"Is this true?"

"Nothing I did has any effect…"

"Tell me exactly what happened"

Richard barked against Meredith, cutting her off.

She swallowed to get her strength and courage back. She needed to shut up if she wanted the trial to be safe.

"I can't do that"

Webber was going to speak again but Derek's booming voice arrived first.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? You think the F.D.A. will get anywhere near this hospital ever again?"

Meredith hadn't really thought about this matter, neither when Alex had suggested it. She looked down to her feet, her belly coming in the mid.

"Meredith, look at me"

Richard's voice sounded much softer this time, he had got that threatening her wasn't going to produce anything. If they wanted to know what had happened and save the situation, he needed to let Meredith feel safe, understood. Sheperd didn't look to be willing to go down this way, he was pacing in the room like a lion in a cage. But Richard knew that Derek had probably already tried this, with no appreciable result.

He closed the distance between himself and dr. Grey.

"If this is wrong, if there is something going on, if Karev is exaggerating, this is the part where you have to tell me. This is the part where you have to deny the charges"

Meredith looked to him. She had already lied enough. She wasn't going to get out of troubles seeding other falsehoods around. What she had done had been necessary, it hadn't changed anything. If she had to go down, she would do it alone.

"Kick me off the study" Derek snorted audibly "There's nothing wrong with the study. Nothing I did changes anything"

"But you're not denying it?"

That was the final question. Meredith shook her head slightly and looked down again.

"I'm gonna have to investigate what's going on here, but it looks to me like you just lost your job"

Derek sighed again, looking up and then stroking his eyes tiredly.

He felt like Webber had just punched him in the stomach.

Meredith was fired, she had done working with him, in Seattle Grace, she had done being his resident.

There was nothing he wanted more than hugging, comforting her.

But his brain was stopping his movements and heart.

She had chosen this.

And Derek was sure worse things were going to come soon, for everyone.

Meredith needed to talk or the consequences of this senseless, reckless sabotage would spot their reputation forever.

Sheperd followed Webber down the hallway and Meredith didn't know how… but suddenly she realized she was in the exam room on her own.

* * *

"I think that I'm gonna stay here after my residency" Cristina smiled stopping writing on her chart.

"Well… it depends if they want you to stay here…"

Alex's assessment raised Avery's and Reed's laughter.

"That's rather implied, Evil Spawn. Altman gave me three solos this week. What does this suggest you? That I'm someone she doesn't want here?"

"Well she could… she knows you'd stab her in the back to have her job"

"I wouldn't. I'd conquer it fairly"

"Yeah… sure" he closed his chart and looked to her defiantly. "Things will change when we get to the final year, Yang"

"How?"

"The way they'll see us. Now we're just pets to raise and babysit. In two years we'll become competitors, rivals. Altman will never leave you a solo then. We'll officially enter the savannah zone"

"And what would that be?" Reed's shaky voice came into the conversation.

"You live, I die. It's simple" Cristina giggled and rolled her eyes.

"You have pretty screwed ideas of how stuff works in a hospital, Karev"

"Have I?"

"Of course. As attendings are raising us to stay, to become surgeons. If Sloan did make you understand this… well… maybe it's because he doesn't want you anymore" Alex snorted and Avery laughed.

"Well… it's quite understandable. You dumped him to go back to peds"

"I'm not back in peds. I…"

"You just have a thing for the African zoo keeper… right"

"She's not…"

"Bad luck she has already laid her eyes on someone else. Don't cry, Alex. If Meredith doesn't kill her you'll get a second chance" Cristina sipped her coffee grinning at Alex.

"Just shut up"

"Come on… you'd be grateful I haven't said anything of your unfortunate after baby shower"

"Why? What did he do?" Avery leant to the desk smiling, earning a jab from Karev.

"Nothing… just ended up drank at Joe's. And the zoo keeper drove him home. Where I was. And had to take him to his lonely bed"

"Could have made me company, Yang. You wouldn't be so bitter now. Didn't Hunt make his job?"

It was Alex's turn to smile wickedly and Cristina got serious.

"Oh… I may have touched a nerve there…"

Cristina approached him grinning, she laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Touch nerves, Karev. It's pretty evident you don't have anything better to handle lately"

"Uhh…" both Avery and Reed laughed.

"And, to say it all, if you're waiting for Chief Resident to cheer you up, you could get deceived even there. I'm not out"

"Uh… talking about that… why is Meredith closed up in a room with Sheperd from half an hour?" Avery whispered leaning against the desk. Both Alex and Cristina raised a brow to him.

"You want a draw, Avery, or Mommy did tell you children don't come out from cabbages?"

Reed laughed and Avery rolled his eyes.

"With Sheperd and Webber… do you think they're making a threesome or he'll be delivering her the good news?"

"Avery… the only thing Meredith Grey can deliver is a peeing ball. The Chief has nothing to do with the nominee anyway"

Avery hadn't the time to answer back that Reed straightened her neck.

"What don't we just ask her?"

Everyone turned around to see Meredith approaching. She looked horribly mad.

"No good news for sure" muttered Cristina seeing her person getting closer. Meredith didn't stop by her side though, she arrived in front of Alex.

"So they're probably gonna fire me. Are you happy?"

Alex's face went from doubt to astonishment.

The memory exploded in his head… the image of Hunt's incredulous expression and the glass of scotch in front of him. He tried to mutter something but the shock was too much even for him.

"Oh, come on. They're not gonna…"

"I want your crap out of my house by the end of the day"

Meredith marched away, leaving her fellow residents in the awkwardness of the moment, in the dismay and absolute surprise. Cristina had still her pen mid-air. She looked blankly to Karev.

"What the hell was that?"

"I… just fuck" he speeded away too.

* * *

The elevator, his elevator, looked meaningless for the first time in years.

That was the place he had first kissed Meredith, that was the place he had used to communicate with her during the endless months of Addison's stay in their life, that was the place he had proposed, that was the place he had almost died in. All these images were running in Derek's brain, whirling and disappearing faster than they came. He was heading to the conference room downstairs, Webber had paged him and Meredith there.

He didn't know what he had to hope for down there. He was broken in two.

One half was furious to his resident, she had joked him around, used the confidence he had accorded to her to mess things up. Derek felt this failure heavily on his shoulders. He was responsible for the trial and the people he had involved in it, he was responsible for the patients to whom he had promised a try, a chance. That chance had disappeared that morning and one of the first and worse things had been going into Mr. Hobarts' room and deliver him the news.

He had let to Meredith the burden to do it, he had just stood on the doorframe, listening and feeling for this family and the dozens of people Meredith had deceived by doing what she had done.

"_So it's possible that we'll never... that we just... we just won't get the treatment?"_

_Mrs. Hobart had stammered on her own words. Dr. Grey had done pre-ops, labs, she had explained them the procedure and the whole protocol again. And now how could she be standing there with a hollow and guilty face destroying their last hope?_

"_It's a possibility, yes"_

"_Oh, my God. This isn't right" she took her husband's hand and squeezed it. The man was more shocked than her and Meredith couldn't really find the nerve to meet their children's stare. "We're so close. He needs this. Can you just..."_

_Meredith got where she was going and shook her head._

"_Is it killing people?"_

"_No."_

"_So give it to him anyway"_

"_I wish we could"_

"_No. Don't give me that. You can and you're choosing not to" her voice raised and mr. Hobart tried to slow her down._

"_Audrey…"_

"_No. They say there's nothing they can do. There's a drug in a box in this hospital and you were on the schedule. My children's father is disappearing. Give him the damn drug!"_

_Meredith flinched and Derek looked down. He hated this. He hated letting these people down. He hated it was Meredith's fault. He hated she was in trouble and he couldn't help, he didn't want to help. She had dig this whole and now it was up to her to come out of it._

"_I'm sorry" was everything came out of Meredith's mouth before she left the room._

He had hoped this would have awakened her conscience or anything but, even after this, Meredith had refused to talk to him.

Now the mechanism had been started and Derek knew it would end bad.

And what hurt him more was Meredith's refusal to embrace reality.

She kept acting like a sort of tragic heroine, like what she had done was perfectly fine and didn't involve people and patients. She hadn't understood or didn't want to understand the gravity of this situation.

And this tore Derek's other half in two.

She was his wife, his pregnant wife.

He just couldn't stand there and watch her push the self destruction button without blinking.

Meredith loved her job, she loved it here.

He couldn't imagine her life out of this hospital, he couldn't imagine his either.

And this led to another big, enormous problem.

The implications of this mess in their relationship.

Derek couldn't believe Meredith had done this to him.

It was a screaming hole in his heart, a pain difficult to bear.

He knew himself quite enough to get it was something he wouldn't forget so easily, especially if Meredith kept acting so senseless and didn't show any kind of repentance.

The doors dinged open and he raised his eyes. It wasn't his floor yet. But to his bad luck, it was Brad's floor. He came in with a smug face and gave his back to Derek. The elevator moved down in the complete silence of his occupiers. But Greg Brad wasn't a man to let things fall, especially when he was gloating and drooling like a vulture on a corpse.

"So… I guess now you get my metaphor about the circle of life, uhm?"

Derek gritted his teeth, he didn't want to give any satisfaction to this ass.

"Yeah… I just didn't understand how you could come out with it. A circle implies a bottom up and a bottom down… Where was your moment of glory, Brad? Peter confirmed me you were a failure all along your career… always someone over you, always someone better than you. I would expect you to tell me life is a downhill…"

"Well… it depends on what you want, Sheperd. I know it pretty good… Better I thought I knew. Then I tried it and got it was worthless. Don't you think the same about her now Grey screwed you for good? I guess I have to thank you for that wake up in the parking lot. I was really into her. You saved me a big bother after all" He turned around and smiled seeing Derek leaning against the wall, his hands tightly closed around the railing, his eyes down. "From stars to misery, Sheperd. I'm so looking forward to read the press in the next days"

"You won't have much more to do, I guess" Derek raised his eyes and met Brad's sneaky stare "It's what your life is like… you just wait for others to fail or retire or die. As this is the only way you can get some scrap to eat"

"I could as well send my candidature to Webber again…"

"You could… but if you think he'd pick you to do more than clinic, you really fool yourself"

"If you say so…"

"I do…."

"From how cocky you keep behaving, I could start thinking Webber hid this… Did Daddy cover your ass again?"

"For your knowledge, Richard never got my ass, it was the contrary actually. But loyalty and friendship are words which escape your miserable vocabulary. And I'm going to meet him now. Don't worry, Brad. You'll get your press in the next days and that will be your bottom up. For what comes to me… I'll build my reputation back. Keep your ears open"

The elevator opened and Derek walked out, bumping into Greg's shoulder. Hunt witnessed the scene from the desk and looked to Derek with concern. Getting he was not going to stop and taking they were alone in the hallway, he talked to him.

"Are you ok?"

"No…"

Owen stepped in the mid of the way and Derek had to stop not to bump into him.

"Owen…"

"Did he bitch?"

"He was waiting for my failure since he got here. And now Meredith served him my head on a silver plate"

"Sheperd…"

"Look, Hunt. I appreciate what you're trying to do here and I don't want to be rude to you. But I don't need you to tell me everything is going fine. It won't. As my wife just doesn't get what she did and I can't do anything for her if she keeps acting like this. I can't and some part of me doesn't even want to do anything" Sheperd raked a hand in his hair and Hunt patted his shoulder.

"Maybe it's not that bad…"

"The fact that she isn't saying anything makes it bad" he snorted seeing Alex getting closer "I need to go now"

He stormed away ignoring Karev calling after him.

"Dr. Sheperd… I…"

Derek disappeared behind a corner and Alex sighed, approaching Hunt.

"Dr. Hunt, I had way too many drinks before I told you that. I… I didn't mean for…"

Owen closed his chart violently sending Alex a strict look.

"Not now, Karev"

Owen moved down the corridor but Alex followed him.

"Look, I told you that because I didn't think she should be chief resident, not that she should be fired"

Owen stopped and Karev felt little under his scrutiny.

"If you didn't think this through, then you are as dumb as she is"

The attending walked away and Alex sank in a chair, breathing out.

He hadn't meant any of this.

Meredith had made a mistake but he didn't want to sell her like this.

Now her job was at stake, Derek's job was at stake, their marriage was on the line. And he was homeless. Meredith hadn't joked when she told him to move out. How could she? He had probably jeopardized her career and life.

He picked up the receiver and dialed the number of the hotel he had spent his first months in Seattle in.

"Hi… I'm dr. Karev. I wanted to know if you have a free room… a single room… No, I plan a long stay. Ok, thank you. I'll check in at 11 p.m. Thank you"

He raised his eyes and found Karen looking to him curiously.

"Hey… did you take my big baby definition too seriously?"

"No… I've just ruined Meredith's life and she kicked me out. I needed a place to sleep"

He stood and Karen followed him.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. Look… I know you think I'm some kind of hero but I'm not. I'm an ass and this is the further evidence. I'm not able to rule relationships and friends. I always end up screwing everything up. As I just can't care for myself"

"It doesn't look to me like…"

"It doesn't but I do. I need to check on my patients now. Did you need anything?"

"I was looking for dr. Sheperd to talk to him about Zola"

"Dr. Sheperd is busy now and will be for long. I screwed up his life too so… if it's not any personal information you need, I can help. Otherwise sit and wait. But you're gonna wait for long"

* * *

Cristina was anxious.

Since she had witnessed Meredith's and Alex's fight, she hadn't been able to focus on anything else.

At first she had thought her person was exaggerating, but then she had overheard nurses and saw all the trial's procedures had been canceled.

Meredith was nowhere to be found and the last person who had seen Derek had reported to stay the hell away from him.

Cristina rounded the corner leading to the residents lounge and opened the door, putting her head in to take a look.

Nothing, Meredith wasn't there either.

She walked down the hallway looking left and right, spying into all the conference rooms she could. Finally she spotted Owen. He was an attending, he had to know what was going on.

She approached him right when he was dismissing an intern and fired her question.

"What happened with Meredith?"

Owen looked to her and sighed.

"Cristina, I can't…"

"Owen…"

She touched his arm and he couldn't resist her pleading eyes. It was not like he was breaking any professional secret or anything. The news was going to be public anyway.

"She tampered with Shepherd's study. Invalidated the results. She destroyed the whole thing" His pager beeped and he look at it. "I have to go now"

He left and Cristina stood there, almost in trance.

She shook her head several times before recollecting from the knock.

If Meredith had really done this, she'd need help someone to hold on too. Derek wouldn't be that person and Cristina couldn't really blame him right now. She just hoped the situation wasn't that bad as it looked.

She took the elevator and rode to the first floor, she heard voices coming from the last conference room and stopped seeing Meredith in with Derek and Chief Webber.

Sheperd looked out of himself and her friend kept shaking her head, Meredith raised her eyes and saw Cristina from the glass. She shook her head again and Cristina got she had to back off and wait.

"This is an extremely serious accusation, Meredith"

"I… I can't. I-I'm sorry"

Meredith's stubbornness was driving Derek crazy.

Not only she had made a complete mess, she also refused to talk, to explain, like she could control the bomb she had armed with her own hands.

Webber was trying to be the patient one, but he was failing.

After half an hour spent uselessly, he was going nuts too.

"How many patients are we talking about here? Did this happen more than once?"

"I can't say that either"

"She can't say anything"

Derek really wanted to punch something… someone. All the pressure of the day was weighting down on him now. He had hoped all this was going to reveal a fight between residents, he had hoped Meredith would cooperate after been caught. Nothing. All what left her lips was "nothing", "I can't", "I'm sorry". At this point he knew she was everything but sorry. She was trying to wrap the whole thing, despite Richard's attempts to get her reason, to scare her, to crash her defenses.

"We're gonna unwind this, Meredith. Karev is figuring out what cases he was on when he saw you, he'll narrow down the dates, we'll know which patients…"

"Nothing I did changed the trial" she silenced Webber, raising her voice and eliciting a groan from Derek. Look, fire me. Do whatever you have to do"

Derek couldn't take it anymore.

He had been even too patient now.

With someone else, the entire hospital would have heard him screaming and yelling.

Meredith was playing on their soft spots and this was going to end from his part.

"Look, you don't get to choose, okay? You don't get to decide who gets the drug or the placebo. You don't get to decide what information the trial gets"

He sat down locking eyes with her.

Meredith had never seen him so furious. And for the first time she felt scared. She was used to hear Derek's sweet voice, his lovely words, to see love shining in his eyes. This moment she got that maybe she had understimated the effect of her action on him, she got that, if she thought she had seen him pissed before, she was wrong. All the outbursts, the scenes he had done in the past, all the roasting he had given to interns and residents were nothing if compared with this. It was like she was in front of someone else, someone she didn't know.

Her bravery faded and she talked calmly this time.

Engaging a screaming battle with Derek was pointless now.

And she would lose anyway.

"Anything I tell you affects the trial. If you don't know what I did, the trial stays blind"

Someone knocked to the door and Meredith saw Alex handling an envelope to Webber. The Chief opened it and searched in his notes. But it was Derek's choice of words which caught her attention.

"The trial is over. You screwed me. You screwed this hospital. And you screwed yourself. This is your disease we're trying to cure… or Lou Gehrig's disease, but I did this for you"

For the first time she felt her eyes moistening.

Derek had broken her defenses as well as she had broken his.

Now Derek didn't sound like a pissed attending, he sounded like a broken man.

But before he could go on in his miserable journey, Webber dropped the news Meredith hoped would change everything and display them her reasons.

"Derek, it was Adele…"

Meredith saw Derek's face jerk towards Richard, he recoiled a bit in his chair and stroke his mouth.

The expression on his face had to be of complete confusion as Richard looked to him and felt the urge to confirm what he had just said.

"It was Adele…"

A pregnant silence fell in the room, Derek's hands fell on the table like he had no strength left to keep them upright.

"What are you gonna do?"

It wasn't the kind of words Meredith expected from Derek.

Apparently the big reveal hadn't been enough to take her out of the doghouse.

Richard looked softer now though.

"I don't know"

"Well, the protocol is fairly clear"

The protocol said layoff and Meredith's eyes narrowed in disbelief.

"Are you encouraging him to fire me?"

Derek sighed, apparently Meredith was still in denial. He couldn't meet her eyes, he couldn't lay his eyes on her. Webber felt the tension between the two of them and, for the first time, he felt guilty.

He had been pressuring the both of them to admit Adele in the trial, he had been breathing down their neck to push the procedure, to know how it had gone, to know if she had gotten the drug or not. Meredith had just smiled to him and now he got why. She had made sure Adele got the drug. He should be mad at her, he should be furious. Like Chief of Surgery, he should. But he couldn't.

All the rage he had felt when Derek had reported her had faded away.

All the worry for the future of the trial had disappeared.

The trial would have been meaningless for Adele if Meredith hadn't cheated for her.

Why couldn't he feel bad about that?

As he had wanted this, he had pushed her to do this and now he couldn't just leave her alone to face Derek's blind rage.

"Look, Derek, I basically pressured her to do it" Derek's eyes narrowed in disbelief. He had somehow expected this, but hearing it wasn't less painful and frustrating "You'd have to fire us both"

Sheperd stood up, snorting. He couldn't take this crap, not anymore. He stormed out bumping into Richard's shoulder and not even stopping to apologize. Meredith followed his form with pleading eyes, trying not to surrender to the panic which was invading her.

For Richard the matter was almost solved, buried.

Derek… he would be another story.

Meredith locked eyes with the Chief, he was browsing his report carefully.

"I'm gonna have to suspend you so it doesn't look so bad. The study..." he stopped realizing for the first time he could save Meredith maybe, he could forgive her, but the trial wasn't in his hands. There was a high chance the FDA would shut it down "I need to turn the whole mess over to the F.D.A., let them figure out what to do with it"

Meredith lowered her eyes, she didn't know why, but the trial didn't look so important anymore. She kept seeing Derek's disgusted face, to feel the distance in his words and voice. He had walked away from her and she knew he was hurt, like really hurt. Like move across the country hurt.

To Derek this trial was almost everything now, professionally… it was everything.

After what had happened to him, he had changed.

He was less for surgeries and impossible savings, he had climbed in this research and worked his ass off to win skepticism, to get funds, to pull up a plausible organization, to wrote a protocol, to finds patients.

And she had blown this away in a blink.

But she was sure he wasn't acting like this just for his job, he was hurt as she had lied to him, she had kept the truth hidden and buried until she hadn't been able to control it anymore. And he had known the truth from someone else.

This was, from a certain point of view, worse than cheating.

She had professionally cheated on her husband, destroyed his plans and future perspectives.

Her certainties shook under this knowledge and she rubbed her belly to relax.

* * *

_Feeling the earth move… there's nothing scarier in the world._

_As the ground is supposed to be steady under your feet, it's supposed to keep you upright._

_It's like family and friends…_

_They're someone you never expect to betray you._

* * *

Cristina entered a supply closet.

She had given up waiting for Meredith.

Altman had caught her and sent her making post ops.

And now Mrs. Black, a boring woman in her 50s, needed a central line to be changed.

Nurses weren't available apparently and Yang had been obliged to do the dirty job on her own.

She took a basin from the shelf and started to set in stuff she needed: gloves, needles, disinfectants. She stretched her arm and took gauze from the medium shelf. The new empty space let her see though the treatments staffed and she took a glimpse of Karev, sitting on the floor.

He was stroking his eyes, his arm propped on one knee.

He looked exhausted but somehow she couldn't go and comfort him.

"Being a sneaky spy drains you out apparently"

Alex's head whipped up and he looked to Cristina.

"I wasn't a spy"

"So telling Meredith off… how would you call that?" He sighed and fidgeted with his clock. "Spy… that's it. Did you really think this would get you Chief Resident?"

"I didn't do it for Chief Resident…"

"Did you really think killing rivals is the best way to win? I'm a top agonizer, Karev. But I never meant it like this"

"And I didn't either!" his voice overcame her this time and Cristina silenced. "I was drank and it rolled out of my mouth. I didn't mean to ruin her!"

"That's pretty hard to believe seeing how it worked out" Cristina snorted and put the basin down violently, the plastic collided with steel and a dull thud echoed in the room "How long did you know?"

"Ten days… more or less"

"Has it never come to your limited brain that reporting her wasn't the best way to deal with it?"

"I've tried all possible ways to deal with it but she always turned me down"

"Oh… poor boy…"

"You have to believe me, I've tried dozens of times to talk to her but she always denied everything" Cristina snorted again. Despite her rage, she trusted Alex.

"Do you know what gave me the certainty she had actually messed up with Sheperd and the trial?"

"Enlighten me…"

"She didn't tell you I was stalking her, pressuring her, prodding her. She didn't tell you anything"

"So Meredith not whining with me was a sign of guiltiness?"

"Yeah… she always comes crying to you when I piss her off. This time she didn't. It was clear there was something she wanted to hide. I tried to have her reason, Cristina. I tried… really. But every time I started the conversation she shut me up as Derek was there, someone was there. I told her this was going to turn into a disaster but she always dismissed me. And then yesterday she admitted everything and yelled at me. It wasn't my point to ruin her career. It wasn't my point to ruin everything. But I'm not gonna take all the blame on me"

"Nobody is giving you the blame"

"She is… Ok… I messed up… I was drank and I didn't control my tongue, that's it. But I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't choose to do it. She chose on her own to cheat on the protocol and mess up a study. I won't take the blame on that" He pushed with his hands and stood coursing. Cristina was leaning against the shelf, arms across her chest. "What do you think will happen now?"

"I don't know. I guess it depends on what Meredith will say… on who she favored in the trial" her cell beeped and she took it. Her eyes narrowed reading the message. "Shit…"

"What?"

"Meredith switched the Chief's wife's file"

"She gave Adele Webber the drug?"

"Yep…"

"That's good, isn't it?" Cristina looked to him doubtful "the Chief won't punish her for this"

"The problem is not what the Chief will do or not, Karev. There's the FDA here. They won't be so indulgent and understanding like you are. There's going to be an investigation, this trial was under thousands of eyes"

She diverted her eyes and saw a familiar figure walking down the hallway, towards the residents lounge.

"It's Meredith"

She walked to the door and opened it, she made a step out of the closet and then turned to look to Alex.

"Just go. It's too early for us to talk about this"

Cristina sped down the corridor and reached Meredith.

"Mer…"

"Not now"

"How did it go?"

They were walking side by side down the desert hallway.

"Derek's A.W.O.L. He's not even speaking to me"

"So it's true?"

Meredith's silence was enough to confirm Cristina's suspects. "What… what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that the chief's wife was about to have saline injected in her brain instead of a drug that could stop her from being a gorked-out lump. Derek's head almost exploded" she sighed and Cristina felt for her. It was clear the situation had crumbled on her and Meredith didn't know how to handle this.

"Are they gonna fire you? "

"I'm suspended. The chief backed way off when he found out it was Adele"

Grey locked eyes with Cristina and read her hesitation and disappointment.

"I did what I had to do"

"Meredith…"

"And I couldn't live with myself if I'd done anything different"

They reached the door and Meredith took the doorknob.

"Now, if you excuse me, I'm deadly tired and I just need to take off my shoes"

"Ok…"

Cristina gave her a reassuring smile and brushed her arm before walking down the hallway.

* * *

_And when it happens… you really don't know where to get grip and find a new balance._

* * *

Meredith entered the room, desert and quiet, and sat on the bench. Her back relaxed immediately and she breathed out looking up. She hadn't even realized how tired she was till her ass touched the wooden surface. Her belly grumbled and she stroke it.

"I know, baby. I'm hungry too"

She took off her coat and checked her cell for messages.

Nothing.

Derek hadn't looked for her, texted her, anything.

She took off her shoes and messaged her ankles, they were swollen and in need of a warm bath.

In these moments Derek would have opened the door and, once realized nobody was in, he would have stepped up and practiced a perfect, relaxing treatment to her feet. He would have whispered sweet words to their baby and Mac Peanut would have stopped kicking her.

But today this wasn't going to happen, today he had closed somewhere to mope on his own.

The silence was killing her.

She wanted Derek to show up, she wanted him to yell at her and call her names.

They'd fight and then make peace and their life would start from the place the communications had stopped. It had to go like that… she needed it to go like that.

* * *

_It's difficult to realize you're not safe anymore._

* * *

Work was always a good way to forget.

When he had a scrub cap on, Derek could forget about everything.

He had visited the ER just in time to welcome a patient, 24 years old, bad skull fracture due to car crash. The nurses had insisted to wait for Brad but Derek had used all his power and persuasion and had finally dragged him into the OR.

The situation was compromised, the guy had suffered a pretty bad bleed and the fracture was compressing his frontal lobe.

"Arachnoid knife, please"

He stretched his hand and took the instrument from the scrub nurse.

The doors hissed and someone stepped in. Derek looked up, taking Brad's presence in the room.

The guy had the power to be everywhere he wasn't welcomed.

"Dr. Brad… I'm sorry they paged you. I took this one"

"I know. But I was the surgeon on call"

"Well… don't worry. We'll your split your daily salary"

"I thought you'd be busy elsewhere"

"You thought wrong. I was available and the patient needed surgery urgently"

"Well I can step in now"

"Let's work together. Just scrub in, we won't fight on the bone right?"

Sheperd kept working and Brad got closer the table.

"I don't think it's necessary"

"Like you want… there's free space in the gallery if you want to be more comfortable. Enjoy your last day here, Greg"

All the people in the OR looked between the two of them curiously. The bitterness between dr. Sheperd and dr. Brad was of public interest and knowledge. And also the fuse was public. The hospital had taken Dr. Sheperd's side and anybody had ever witnessed clear fights. But now… now the temperature was really high in the OR.

Brad stepped behind Sheperd's back, taking a look to the operating table. It was a calm moment and Brad took the chance to speak again.

"Maybe I didn't explain efficiently. I'm ready to work and I'm here. The patient was mine"

"Really? Last time I read my contract the assignation of patients was my duty. I took surgery and I'm fine with it"

"Sheperd…"

"I'm sorry you won't be here to see my failure Brad. As I can promise you… it won't be this surgery. Now you can go to the other side of the table and help me if I need it or go out. It's on you"

Brad felt blood raise in his brain but decided to let it go. He snorted and rounded the table.

"Fine…"

"Good… a pair of hands is always appreciated"

Greg looked to the patient and realized surgery was going to be pretty complicated.

"The bone is pressing down the brain…"

"That's why I'm trying to pull it up"

"With an arachnoid knife?"

"Why not?" Derek looked to him and Brad met his gaze "It looks done on purpose to go under flat fragments"

"It's never been done… The test books says…" he stopped realizing Sheperd was smirking behind his mask.

"What does it say, doctor Brad?"

"To take a tweezers and take it out"

"True. Unfortunately for Jason here, I would kill his Broca's area and it would be bad for a 24 years old to get aphasia" Derek locked eyes with Brad again "Have you never improvised in the OR?"

"No…"

"That's so bad. Sometimes you find abilities you wouldn't expect to have. And rewrite the story of surgery. Nurse Emily here…" he tilted his head indicating an Asian nurse, a woman Brad had often had in his own Or "really hated me at first. She would never admit it now…" the nurse looked to blush and the other people in the room were smiling "but she really hated me. She always prepared her good instruments… all cleaned and sterilized… she was ready to handle me the tenth blade and I asked her the fifteenth… textbook said arachnoid knife and I wanted a forceps. I kind of ruined her plans and confused her knowledge"

"It was worth saving some patient though"

It was the first time Brad heard the nurse talking. She could have been mute from what he knew.

"Thank you, Emily. Now just handle the knife to dr. Brad, please. We're gonna give him a souvenir of this one"

He raised his bloody gloves from the operating field and looked to Greg. He didn't look mad or revengeful though. Brad took the instrument, rolling it through his fingers carefully.

"What should I do?"

"What you said before. It was the right thing to do. Relieve the bone and take it out"

"It's sank in the material"

"That's why something not sharp is suitable here. Just go under, gently"

"Sheperd, I…" Brad took his eyes off the microscope but Derek was still looking into his, calm and relaxed.

"You're doing good. Take the time you need"

Greg snorted.

"That's my last day… I shouldn't been operating…"

"Well… you have nothing to lose… What the Chief could do if you botch it… Fire you?"

Some nurse giggled and Brad looked to Derek.

He had felt the urge to laugh himself

"Very funny…"

"Well if it worked to relax you, it was worth. You're putting too much pressure"

"How am I supposed to go under if I don't push?"

"I thought you had learnt something from our first surgery together… Arteries use to roll if stressed. Just use the foil and not the sword. Peter never told you this?"

"I've never entered the circle of his favorites"

"So bad… an hour spent with him is like a month a round o'clock in the OR. Sometimes you need to master your ego if you don't want it to blind you"

"Are you talking about me or about yourself?"

"I always speak for myself… you should know if this applies to you too or not. I can have my opinion but it doesn't count on this"

Brad giggled maneuvering the instrument.

"What a gentleman I have here… You gave me your crap for three months and now you're all nice…"

"We could argue on who put crap on who but… I don't think anyone here is concerned about it"

"Do you say so? I guess they're drooling to know"

"So just scratch the itch, Brad. You've been a pain in the ass since you got here. No wonder you want to be it even the last day"

Nurses and interns looked between each other. The whole hospital knew these two weren't properly in good terms, but the fact that Brad had openly faced Sheperd, in an OR, was really unusual. The tone of the conversation was calm, yet hissing, the tension could be touched.

"That's where you go wrong, Sheperd. I was just living my life and you felt disturbed about that"

"I felt disturbed as you hit on my wife and imposed yourself on her. If I had to let this go… you seriously have a lot of problems. Unless you want to discuss my marriage again"

"Do you know what I was told when I was a kid?"

"So you were told something… this is already big news"

"I was told that you don't have to leave room to doubts if you can't manage them"

"Anybody here had doubts but you. You've just tried to seed crap to get advantage, both on work and out of it. Apparently you knew pretty well you had no good arrows in your bow"

"Don't worry about my arrows, Sheperd. Yours came back and hit you square in the chest" Murmurs and whispers filled the room and Brad looked up, trying to meet Derek's gaze which was on the contrary focused on the patient "I take everything is still kept silenced"

"You take wrong. Nothing in this hospital stays put. Whether the Chief did something to spread the news or someone overheard… it does not make any difference. I will take my responsibility. I'm not scared of it"

"You should. Do you know what happens to people who screw an official medical trial?"

"No, I don't"

"That's why you're still so full of yourself. We will talk more next week. In the while… I've booked a relaxing vacation in Barbados. Our balls will grill… for different reasons though. I'm done"

"I see…"

"Any complain on my work?"

"No, if I had seen something I would have told you before. You got the technique… a bit of it. I hope you'll still remember it after the seaside"

"Relaxing is a good way to let things melt and settle"

"I hope it will be inspiring too …"

"Don't worry, Sheperd. I'll choose my muse better than you did" Brad settled down the instruments and took his gloves off "I guess you'll let someone else close him"

"Of course… Dr. Hastings… your honor"

Derek stepped back and a brown intern stepped closer, alert and excited at the same time.

"Thank you, sir"

"It's a full teaching day…" he grabbed the instruments from the scrub nurse and handled it to the guy "take your time, I'll be back in a few minutes"

Derek put off his gloves and exited the OR, entering the scrub room. He started to wash his hands never losing sight of the intern and the patient. The sliding door hissed and Brad got in.

"Are you sure he can do it… out of all interns?"

"Perfectly"

"You seem to love pity cases, you know? Hastings is a loss of time"

"I happen to disagree. You should make an effort to see beyond the appearance sometimes…"

"Do you still believe it… even after your wife screwed you so good… in front of everyone?" Greg giggled "what are you…. Stupid or numb?" Derek stopped the water and dried his hands.

"None of two, Brad. You came in here just to set me off. It's what intrigues you, it's what makes your day. But you're wrong if you thought I would waste my hands to punch you again. It wasn't worth the first time and it wouldn't be the second. Do you think you hurt me or scored a point in there? You've just pointed out the granted, what Meredith did bothers me… it does a lot. There will probably be heavy consequences for everyone… for the hospital too. I will face all of it. But only a vulture would insist on that, only someone meaningless like you are. That's the only way everybody noticed you were in that OR. Your surgical skills… Hastings will be a lot better than you in a few time. Send us a card from your grilling beach"

Derek walked away, entering the OR again.

* * *

_As the tremors follow you wherever you are, wherever you go, wherever you try to find repair. It's a shocking realization…_

_Your legs start to give out… your heart fills with fear…fear that you won't survive this… that when you'll look outside the window… the world won't be the same anymore._

* * *

Richard switched off the light of his office, his bag and coat under the armpit.

He opened the door and nearly bumped against Bailey, snorting and looking at her from upside down.

"Bailey… you gave me a stroke"

She recoiled and Webber closed the door.

"I'm sorry… I've been looking for you all day"

"I'm sorry… I've been… busy"

He sighed and started to walk down the corridor, Miranda followed him.

"Are the rumors true, sir?"

"It depends on what rumors you're talking about… New cuts rumors… new attending rumors… the end of the world rumors?"

"Sheperd's trial rumors, sir"

Her voice hardly hid her stupor and disbelief and the sorrow for her colleague. Richard stopped and breathed out.

"How did you know?"

"The hospital isn't talking about anything more, chief. So I give nurses are not exaggerating…"

"No"

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. And I don't want to think about it right now. Adele's waiting for me"

"Chief…"

"Have a nice evening, Bailey. Say hi to Tuck from me"

He walked towards the elevator, leaving Miranda standing in the hallway.

* * *

_Roads will be full of debris… ruins._

_The landscape will look so different that you'll hardly recognize it._

_And survivors… survivors will look the shadows of the persons they used to be._

* * *

Derek looked at his cell and pager, they were both blank.

Nobody had looked for him while he was in surgery.

Webber had told him everything was frozen till the following day, he had already informed the FDA and soon they were going to receive their visit.

Sheperd had already got a signal the reprimand machine had started: he had received an e-mail. The trial was suspended to date to define, he had been warned not to run any further operation, visit, surgery connected to the study. Otherwise, a charge would be waiting for him.

He really didn't know what to expect from this.

Brad was right, messing up with a blind trial was an awful spot.

Derek didn't want to imagine what would happen if Adele's name came out of this trouble. Right now… he didn't know what to expect at all, Adele or not.

Meredith seemed to be disappeared out of thin air.

A ting of pain crossed Derek's heart at the mere thought of her.

He hadn't even bothered to ask if she had been fired finally.

He stopped in the mid of the corridor and looked left, straight to the residents lounge.

Meredith could be there…. She could be and the need to know, to try to explain himself and get explanations from her as things settles down was too great to resist.

Before he could realize it, Derek's hands had gripped the doorknob and pushed the door open. In the darkness, he spotted Meredith sitting on the bench. She was undoing her shoe lazily. Her face raised when she sensed a presence in the room but no reaction painted her face.

No surprise, no pain, no sorrow, no happiness seeing Derek there for her.

This lack of empathy shook him too and everything sank in, the deception, the hurt… the bitter feeling Meredith had really betrayed him in the worst possible way.

He breathed out and addressed to her cautiously.

"Are you leaving?"

"No, I didn't get fired" Meredith's voice sounded far more proud of what the situation required "I know that's disappointing to you"

Derek sighed.

"My trial is about to disappear. You really want to act like I'm the bad guy here?"

His bitter assessment hit Meredith and she shook her head.

"No, I don't"

"I know the fact that it is Adele changes things for Richard, but it doesn't for me"

"Oh, I understand that"

Derek snapped. He was trying to let her know his point of view, but it looked like climbing a mountain without ropes; Meredith was blind to his feelings, she was blind to the implications of this act on everything he had worked for the last two months. She acted like everything was granted, his understanding… his forgiveness. Worse… she didn't even think to need forgiveness, she hadn't lived this like a wrong.

And instead Derek felt it was all, utterly wrong. For him as a man, as her husband, as her attending, as a doctor. From every side he looked at this, he really couldn't swallow the morsel.

He sighed again, if he didn't want to yell at her, it was better he focused on work and the project she had so carelessly destroyed.

"You couldn't possibly understand that" spat Derek frustrated and heated up "If you were focused on the millions of people with Alzheimer's whose lives could've been different… would've been better because of this drug, there's no way in hell you would've pulled this stunt".

He shook his head in disbelief, just this last thing he had said was almost unforgivable. Meredith had destroyed hope for dozens now… possibly thousands of people tomorrow. She had put her… one person's interest before everyone. She had broken the first obligation… oath a doctor made. Never discriminating between patients, never losing neutrality and the big picture ahead.

This little fact was so damned clear in Derek's brain that he didn't conceive how Meredith could not get it.

"How is it that you don't know the difference between right and wrong?"

The answer flowed on him. Apparently his thoughts were not so linear and coherent after all.

"Because I don't think that things are simply right or wrong. Things are more complicated than that. This was more complicated than that. It's complicated that it was Adele and Richard. It's complicated that

we have a drug in a box that could help her. There's nothing simple about that"

Derek almost recoiled after hearing Meredith's outburst. Her thoughts hadn't changed during the horrible day. She realized she had surprised him in a bad way and, at least, gave him something. Her voice shook and her eyes risked to spill out tears.

"I am very sorry that I messed everything up. But I would do it again"

But it wasn't enough, it couldn't be enough.

For Derek morality was something simple: you had it or not. And it hurt much to say this, but Meredith hadn't or, at least, had forgotten it on this case.

Switching secret files was wrong, no matter for who or why you did it, putting friends before strangers couldn't exist in the medical world.

As tomorrow the stranger could become a parent, a relative, a son.

Would Meredith cover their kid if he or she armed someone else? Would she tolerate if he or she cheated at school? Derek could do many things, but not this.

He didn't put himself on a pedestal, he had done a lot of mistakes in his life.

But his mind and heart had always been clean, he hadn't meant to do wrongs, he hadn't meant to harm.

Sometimes it happened, but life was a matter of intentions, results could not be that good, but the primary essence had to be fair.

He could not really accept, not today, not after what he had endured and was going to endure because of Meredith's choice, to bypass this elementary idea. And it didn't feel elementary at all seeing that Meredith was going to deliver their baby in a few days.

This little person was going to depend on the two of them and it was vital that Meredith had clear his vision of the world. As it wasn't negotiable. And Sheperd felt defenseless and defeated as ever.

"I don't know how to raise a child with someone who doesn't understand that there's a... a right and a wrong in the world"

Meredith's eyes narrowed in shock, these words felt like a sword in her heart.

As their implication was wide… so wide that the ground shook again, more violently than before.

* * *

_When you survive an earthquake everything becomes arguable._

_As piers went down and you need others to prop up your life with._

_Only these new ones can erase certainties and hopes you had grown to have._

* * *

"So now I'm gonna be a bad mother. That's where we're going with this?"

Derek had really hurt her by this, Meredith's face had changed.

She had never given the impression to suffer his pressure and rage, now she was on the verge of crying. And Derek felt bad. He had fought for years to convince her she could be a mother, they could do this together, she hadn't to be the heir of Ellis Grey; he had succeeded to open her heart and now had stabbed it personally. His stomach made an unpleasant jolt, he fought the urge to go and hug her. He felt like doing but surprised himself not wanting it. Meredith had broken him in two and his worse side was showing up now, in that room.

The part that screamed him to run away, to isolate, to close somewhere to be alone.

A part that found impossible now to stay there and talk to her.

He pushed all the regret away and just shrugged.

"You've been saying it for weeks. Maybe you're right"

Meredith had hoped in something different, she had hoped for Derek to eat his last words. She had nothing to do that swallow this last blow.

"Okay"

"Maybe you're right… I just need some time to think. I just... I just need some space"

* * *

_And before you're done building back, another shock arrives._

_And you really feel the earth move._

* * *

Ok... so it happened even here. I told you Derek wouldn't take it better in my fic.

Next chapter we'll dig in consequences (which won't be any better) both on work and life.

Zola is in the mix too.

Derek was really surprised and astonished when Meredith told him she would be ready to adopt her.

This situation is going to develop along others...

Hang on and you'll see!

N.B. I guess I don't have to point out I totally took and take Derek's side in this thing...

Review please!


	46. LONELINESS

Hey!

Let's go through this mess.

Hope you'll spend one minute to tell me your feelings!

* * *

_Loneliness is a sneaky feeling._

_We all know how to help someone when he has nobody… _

_The situation is so damned clear that we don't need to be shrinks or whatever to give a hand… to fill the solitude._

_Different topic when people apparently run a normal life, when they have relatives and family under the same roof._

_But they don't communicate, they don't talk._

_They just share a space but not a cohabitation._

_And this is the worst loneliness you can experience._

_Seeing a loved one every morning, but being ignored._

_Feeling your life is drifting away in the living room, and not being able to catch it._

_Living this misery without being able to fix it._

_You don't need to be alone to be lonely._

* * *

Meredith woke up when a car's horn invaded her room.

She snorted rolling on the other side of the bed.

It was not 7 o'clock yet and some ass honked not thinking people wanted to have a good sleep. She caught Derek's pillow and hid her face under it to prevent new noises to bother her. And realization hit her. Derek's pillow… it was free… abandoned… not used. It was the second night they didn't share the same bed, the same room. After the trial's bomb had upset their professional lives, Derek had kept his word. He had taken space. From her. He had come home that night, but he had slept on the couch and left once realized she had woken up. He had done the same the evening before. And now he was probably downstairs, splayed on her old sofa, suffering for the uncomfortable position and of backache while his spot was free and available. But not usable as she was there. And Derek had made it pretty clear by now… he couldn't stand her sight. Meredith sighed and shivered under the covers. The awareness brought her sleepiness away.

Their life had crumbled down… her house had crumbled down.

Alex was gone, he had taken her invitation seriously and cleaned his room. His clothes, books… all his stuff had disappeared. Lexie had found it better not to show up. Only Cristina dared to come and visit her, dared to walk into the lion cage. After all… Derek didn't hate her, he just hated Meredith.

The situation was border line, not only within their domestic walls but also on work.

Today was the day. She had a meeting with the chief at 10.00, a meeting where he was supposed to tell her what the Board had proposed for her, what could be her punishment. And then there was the mess with the FDA and there the solution was far to come. The trial had been suspended, Derek's position was under investigation, Seattle Grace was under the reflectors and not for good.

Sleep had drifted away definitely and Meredith decided to stand up. It was fifteen minutes before her alarm but it was useless to stay there. She launched her legs outside the bed and pushed herself sitting on the edge. Moving was becoming day after day more and more difficult, she felt like a whale on the beach. And everything was worse as Derek wasn't there to help her.

She took her nightgown and closed the belt across her round waist, the silken tissue slipped on her body and she opened the door to the corridor. Everything was silent, nobody was around. She moved downstairs and the smell of coffee invaded her nostrils. She took a furtive glance to the living room, the couch was a dishevelled bundle, some pillow had fallen on the floor, a blanket was pooled in a corner. But Derek wasn't there. She heard shutters closing in the kitchen but her attention was caught by the door opening. Cristina came in, drops of water falling from her head and coat.

"It's pouring outside…"

She abandoned her umbrella outside and looked to her person, who was really surprised to see her there.

"What?"

Before Meredith had the chance to answer, Derek appeared on the kitchen door, already dressed up to leave. He didn't consider his wife worthy of a word, a look. He just nodded to Cristina and left. Yang's heart clenched for her friend, two days had gone and the situation was still frozen… better gelid. They were separated at home and there weren't signs of close improvement. Meredith rolled her eyes and sighed. She gave her friend and small, sad smile. She couldn't start her day crying.

"Mc Peanut and I are gonna get something to eat… You come?"

Cristina stayed there, for the first time this mess had started, she felt the urge of doing something.

"Just go… I forgot my cell in the car. I go and take it, ok? I'll be right back"

Cristina opened the door and, through the unrelenting rain, she saw Derek opening his car. She ran after him, neglecting the water soaking her clothes and hair. Derek hadn't thought to take the umbrella either, his hair was stuck to his scalp when Cristina joined him. He opened the car door and sank on the seat.

"Derek…"

He turned his eyes noticing Cristina for the first time. The rain was investing her but she didn't look to be bothered by it.

"Go inside, Cristina. You're gonna get something"

"She's gonna get something if you don't talk to her" Derek sighed trying to close the door but Cristina stopped it "Look… I know you're mad and you have every right to be. And you also think that this turnover we're doing is good enough but it's not. Meredith needs you"

"I can't… I'm sorry"

She recoiled a bit and this little space gave Derek the chance to close and turn the engine on. The car moved and Cristina watched it disappearing behind the corner. She sighed and ran into Meredith's house again. As soon as she was inside, she dropped her coat and headed to the kitchen where her friend was, sitting at the counter and having her healthy breakfast.

"You didn't need to try"

Cristina sat on a stool, not even bothering to deny her real purpose. Meredith pushed a cup of coffee towards her.

"It's been two days and apparently I'm not even worth yelling…"

"I just think he doesn't want to yell at you… that's why he's avoiding"

"Ignoring… he's ignoring me. Not avoiding. I come in… he goes into the living room. I wake up, he goes to sleep. You arrive… he leaves" Meredith brought the cup to her lips but stopped mid-air noticing Cristina's guilty look "Wait… this isn't a coincidence. Every time you come here, Derek leaves. Why is it?"

"What?"

"Don't fool me, Cristina. I didn't realize before but now I do. Did he ask you to check on me?"

"He just doesn't want you to be alone, Mer"

Meredith rolled her eyes and stood, taking her cup to the sink.

"How noble from him"

"He just cares"

"He doesn't give a crap of me, he's just worried for the baby"

"That's not true and you know it" Cristina set her cup down and sighed "Look Mer… I know you're feeling bad about this. It's all screwed up… but last thing you need is cornering him. Derek needs to cool down, he needs to let feelings sink. If he talked to you now… it would be bad. You know him…"

"Yeah… I do know him. But I can't help thinking …" she passed a hand on her belly and started to cry when she felt a kick. Cristina hurried to her side, taking her hand and stroking her back "Our baby is going to come into this world and my husband hates me… he hates me. And he should be here telling our baby corny stories, he should be here feeling this" another kick pushed against their joined hands and Meredith brushed new tears away "I destroyed everything, Cristina. And my baby is going to pay for it"

"It's not going like this, Mer. Push out the crap. Derek is going to collect himself and you'll be the perfect family again. You love each other too much to break up for something like this…"

"I just… hurt him"

"I know… I know"

Despite Cristina's strict rules of showing affection, Meredith really needed some comfort now and her friend hugged her, soothing her back.

"And now I know I screwed up for good… as you're hugging me"

"Just shut up… it's your stupid hormones which are infecting me"

* * *

Derek had finally reached the hospital.

The drive through the desert town had been a blur.

The rain shower had awakened his numb senses, his back had sent him a warning: no more couch or I'm gonna punish you. But pain had been the last worry for him. After he had closed the door and crossed SG doors, reality had invested him like a hurricane.

Even if he had tried to ignore it all, he had been perfectly aware of the pitiful looks he was getting, doctors were whispering everywhere and it didn't take a genius to know what they were talking about. The legend of Meredith and Derek had enriched of a new, juicy, still to be written chapter. Derek sighed as this was unfair… and incorrect. Right now they weren't Derek and Meredith, they were just dr. Sheperd and Dr. Grey and this was almost enough to have him vomit on the floor.

The stabbing feeling he had proved two days early hadn't passed yet. His heart was pounding in his chest… or it was not beating and this caused the weight he felt maybe… Derek couldn't decide. But what he knew for sure was that he felt empty, everything hurt, it was like Meredith had broken up with him, cheated on him, dumped him. Everything at the same moment. He knew it was irrational to think like this, it had been a work issue after all. But it felt different, he felt differently. And it was not because of the consequences this affaire could have on his career and reputation, it was something deeper. The feeling Meredith was always careless when it came to his feelings, his hopes, his expectations. She did and gave everything for granted, take or leave. And Derek had pursued her for so long that he had always taken, a few at the beginning, more after. Their relationship had been steady for a long time now, they had survived a lot of things, metaphorically and physically, they had moved on, got married, soon becoming parents. He would have expected this stunt months ago… not now. Now it hurt much more as Derek had lowered his defenses, he had been in complete trust and confidence. He hadn't seen this coming.

He felt disoriented. The more he thought about this, the less he understood what Meredith had possibly meant to do. Better… it was clear. She had made a choice and acted hoping no one would never notice. Alex had screwed her plans and she had got caught under her lies. Everybody had. And now everything was on the plate. His trial, his reputation, her job, the bases of their marriage.

A couple lived on trust and, by now, there was none left from his side.

That's why he had preferred to avoid her, ignore her, minimize the contacts. And it was a torture. As neglecting Meredith, he was even neglecting their baby. It had been three days since he had last felt Little Sheperd kicking and rolling. It was a void which strangled him. But he knew he just couldn't touch her to touch their baby. Everything came as a pack and he needed to clear his head and heart. Only he didn't expect this to be so hard, he didn't expect his pressure to raise again after a couple of days. He couldn't even look at her right now and it was a feeling which upset him, torment him.

The split his soul had experienced after this mess had been revealed was still far from being composed. Brain and heart were fighting, each one prevailing alternately. When his head did, Meredith became someone his eyes refused to tune. It was like they were blind to her, his brain sent a message of danger all over his body, he froze and looked away. Ignore her. Wait for it to pass.

When his feelings took the lead, his heart scream for the need of her. She was his wife, the love of his life, he couldn't picture themselves apart. He was hurting her and himself in the process. And it was unbearable. Raise your eyes and look at her. She's beautiful and yours.

He raked a hand in his hair and sighed, he was much in advance and fortunately he would have time to adjust his appearance in the attending lounge.

Showing up soaked and dishevelled on the floor wasn't really going to ease the situation.

Today was going to be a tough day.

He had a meeting with Webber in the early morning. The Chief was going to announce the preliminary decisions of the Board. They weren't going to be definitive but these indications would be the indication of the upcoming matters. If the Board went light, it meant they had accepted Webber's version of this mess and everything was going to solve smoothly. It could be the case as Richard felt guilty after all and knew which strings to pull when it was necessary. But in the end this scandal had concerned even the FDA, the hospital image. Bad endorsement meant less sponsors, less sponsors meant less money and the Board had always been very sensitive to this kind of things. They could also decide to wait and see what the FDA meant to do with them, SG as authorized center. In this case there would be more await… one day at least. The meeting with the official committee of the federation had been arranged for Friday morning, 10 a.m. Another day for strong hearts.

Derek forced himself to calm down and breath out. One thing at a time, it was useless to let his mind run freely. Nothing depended on him now. But his marriage. And this was already enough.

He pushed the door of the lounge open, everything was silent and dark. Thanks God Brad had left and, at least, poor consolation, Sheperd wouldn't meet his ugly face and his sharp tongue. He dropped his briefcase on the bench and took off his coat. Even his sweater was soaked.

"Hey"

A voice startled him from a corner. Derek's eyes tightened in thin slits to try to enter the darkness of the room. He couldn't see anything, but Owen's voice was pretty recognizable. He had to be splayed on a couch in the reading zone.

"Hey"

Derek went on taking his wet clothes off.

"I take it's still raining"

"Cats and dogs"

"Good… I hadn't time to water the garden yesterday… Cristina would get mad if our plants died"

Usually an ironic and biting sentence would have left Derek's mouth. He liked how Cristina kept Owen in line. It was kind of funny and charming. But in the last days he hadn't the strength to be ironic anymore. Everything looked flat and irrelevant. He felt like he was observing someone's else life from behind a pair of glasses.

Hunt got Sheperd had let his humour fall. He had meant to establish some kind of conversation with Derek, they were friends after all and he wanted to help. But his colleague looked quite unresponsive and Owen surprised himself to miss his cockiness and arrogance.

"How are you?"

Maybe being blunt and true could earn something better.

Derek sighed, he had done changing into his scrubs and was now placing his coat on.

"Do you know what I like about you?"

Sheperd's voice came out so flat and emotionless that Owen knew his attempt had failed. Derek wasn't going to tell him anything. And by now Hunt wasn't even so sure if he wanted to know what Sheperd liked about him. This had sounded like a tricky question. But after all he had been the one to destroy his world, they were friends and Owen could take his harshness if this could help.

"No…"

"That you're a man who doesn't make questions"

He closed his locker with a thud and left.

His behavior had been more meaningful than any answer.

* * *

"What do you think it's going to happen?"

Mark rolled his eyes. Lexie had already popped this question twenty times and, like the previous nineteen, he had no good answer, no bad answer, no answer at all.

He entered the elevator and pressed the button hoping she would drop the topic. He knew she was worried and he was too but keeping speculating on what was going to happen was useless. Nobody knew, it was better to bury the discussion and let water calm down. It was better like this.

"The elevator will reach the damned floor and we're gonna work. Thanks God"

Lexie smacked his arm and Mark flinched. He turned to meet her furious look.

"How can you be so careless?! It's my sister and your brother. And they could both lose their job"

"I'm well aware of that, Lexie. And the fact that you repeat it every ten seconds just doesn't change it"

"So just avoid, ok. Live in your little world where everything is fine"

"Anything is fine, ok? I know that… but Derek didn't answer my phone calls, I found him in his land with the contractor and he refused to talk to me"

"He went up there?"

"To settle some detail… he's not staying there. He had a free day"

"He took a day of leave after this crap?"

"Lex… are you listening to me or not? He had a free day, he had planned it for weeks, he didn't ask for it on purpose. You get it?"

"I'm not stupid…"

"Well… good. As sometimes you ramble and don't even care to wait for my answers"

"Right… so he was in the mountains to play the carpenter and then?"

"Then nothing. He did what he had to do and then grunted something about going home. He ditched me there. It's better we back off, Lexie"

"I can't back off. My sister's life is adrift. We need to do something"

"The more we do, the worse it is. I know Derek quite enough to tell you this"

"And don't you think about her?"

"It's better I don't. Big Grey deceived me a lot this time"

"This doesn't take away we love her!"

"We do… but making flags to support her is not the better choice. We would only piss people worse"

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. They both stepped out and Mark leant forward to kiss her but Lexie diverted his face with her hand. Sloan looked to her frowning.

"What?"

"No kissing on work, dr. Sloan. We would piss people worse"

She walked away and Mark opened his arms in disbelief, snorting and rolling his eyes. He locked eyes with Bailey who was staring at him oddly, her chart closed against her chest.

"Anything you want to say, Bailey?"

"No… It was not my intention to overhear but… I did"

"Good… so now she pushed me away. Glad enough?"

"No… I'm not. I found it pretty childish to tell the truth"

Mark stroke his eyes. He couldn't blame Miranda after all.

"That's the perks of dating a baby…"

"Or a Grey… it's a category on its own"

"Probably… any news from the Head Quarters?"

"Nothing… Webber is closed up in his office from yesterday and Patricia told me the phone is burning. Derek arrived one hour ago or so"

"Did you stalk him?"

"Not personally… but I had good spies around. And they didn't report good things"

"I can imagine that… There was no need of this mess right now"

"No"

His pager beeped and he looked at it snorting.

"It's the ER. I need to go now"

"Ok…"

"Let me know when there are news"

"Of course… and Sloan…"

He turned around and walked backwards not to lose contact with her.

"Keep your baby on leash. If we make a crusade out of this story, it's gonna be much worse"

* * *

Derek looked at his clock absent mindedly. He was finishing scribbling on Zola's chart and he had ten minutes before his meeting with Webber.

The little girl was doing surprisingly good. Her stats were fine, her labs were good. More revelatory that that, her appearance had bettered considerably. Her cheeks had turned pinker, her skin smoother. She always smiled and made those little sounds which elicited tenderness from everyone. She was alone in her bed right now, Derek had found Karev's notes and the previous day had been fine. Makena and Karen had stopped by several times to take her company, Zola was one of the few babies who didn't have anyone, so she needed extra care and extra company.

Derek set the chart down and approached the baby. She smiled widely to him and stretched her puffy hand to handle him something. He sat on the mattress and opened his palm, Zola let something fall in it… it was an animal… a lion. A fluffy king of the forest. He smiled back, feeling his heart swelling.

"Is this your friend?"

"Rrrr"

"Yeah, it's a lion… Good girl"

Zola crept on the bed towards him and cradled on his lap, gripping the little animal still in Derek's hand. She brought it to her mouth and bit it.

"Looks like the lion has to fear you, Zola"

The baby turned towards him and pushed the animal against his face. She simulated a roar and Derek giggled realizing she was trying to scare him. He backed away lightly faking an escape and Zola tugged his labcoat using it as support. She turned around to face him and used her little hands to grip the tissue and stand, leaning against Derek's chest for support and threatening him with her puppet.

Derek laughed again and Zola finally handled him the lion, it was wet with her saliva but Derek didn't care. He was too taken feeling her hands on his cheeks. She was… exploring his face, her little palms patting his forehead and nose.

"Yeah… dr. Sheperd has a big nose. Yours is little and round instead, just like a little potato" he approached his index and middle finger to her face, squeezing her nose in the middle and pretended to pull. Zola smiled and brought her hands to her face when she noticed something poking out between Derek's fingers. It was his thumb but she couldn't know. Right now she thought he had stolen her nose. She started to giggle and jump on her little legs, Derek holding her. He then touched her face again and Zola smiled touching her nose.

"It's back to its place now…" he smiled and placed her back onto the mattress, setting toys and puppets all around her. He stood and raised the barriers around the bed to prevent her from falling. When he was done, Zola was staring at him with wide, calm eyes. She was chewing a little rabbit's… ear… nose. She looked fine and Derek smiled to her again.

"Just stay here with your friends. Makena and Karen are going to see you soon" he traced her face with his fingers and kissed the top of her head "See you later, Lady Zola"

He sent a last glance to her and left, closing the see through door behind his back. He sighed taking a last look on the girl playing. When he turned around he nearly bumped against Karen.

"Dr. Sheperd…"

"Karen… good morning. She's doing great" he approached the nurses station and gave the chart back to the nurse.

"I know… Alex told me…"

Derek's face tensed hearing Karev's name. He tried to mask his discomfort busying himself with his pockets.

"She's recovering completely and quickly. That's the magic of kids…"

"Yes, it's pretty amazing… I looked for you yesterday…"

"I'm sorry… I had the day off… Was something wrong with her?"

"No, you said it yourself… Zola is doing great. It was something… private"

Derek's jaw clenched and he sighed. The gesture didn't go unnoticed to Karen. She didn't prod him though, she just looked at him while he fidgeted with his clock.

"I have a meeting to attend now… Maybe we can catch up later?"

"Of course… I'm gonna stay here the whole day so… I'll be around when you're available"

"Ok… have a nice morning"

"You too"

* * *

Bailey looked to her clock nervously. She hated when people were late. And the residents were late right now. They were supposed to meet there at eight o'clock and now it was one minute past eight. Those stupid morons thought they could be late and mind their own business now they weren't interns anymore. Bad move. Miranda snorted and her nostrils almost flared; Altman and Torres approached her frowning.

"Good morning, Bailey"

"It's not good"

Callie grimaced and Teddy's lips stretched in a smile.

"What ruffled your fevers already?"

"The residents are late… those useless brainless doctors are late. And they're gonna regret it"

The door of the residents lounge opened and the objects of Bailey's anger came out, one after the other. Bailey's eyes instinctively settled on Meredith. She looked awful and, aware of her stare, she diverted her eyes, busying her hands in adjusting the pen in the front pocket of her labcoat.

"What time is it?"

The residents looked one to the other, Cristina raised her sleeve showing the lack of clock, Reed shrugged. It was Alex who found the answer.

"It's eight in the morning"

"No, it's two past eight and this means you're late. If you think I can't bitch anymore as you have new bosses now… well… you're fooling yourselves. Just do this again and it will be my fun to keep you out of the Ors for two weeks. Clear?"

"Yes, sir…"

The residents all mumbled at the same time, their eyes down on the floor. Callie had to put a hand in front of her mouth not to laugh openly. It was unbelievable how they all still feared Bailey.

"So… now we stated the obvious… I've here your assignments. Today Yang, Avery and Reed will follow the African Kids program. Karev… you're in the pit"

"What?"

"Pit. It's three letters. Do you want me to spell it for you?"

"No… I… I thought I would be following their surgeries today"

"And you're not. Get over it and go where I told you to be"

Alex rolled his eyes, he expected cheers and mockeries from the others but nobody dared to speak. It was a heavy day.

"And Grey… go to the clinic and oversee it. That's all. Move"

The young doctors took different directions and Bailey stood there observing them. Her eyes stuck to Meredith's back, retrieving down the hallway. She knew she had a meeting with the Chief later and this was the reason why she had been relegated to the clinic. She couldn't face surgeries today, not when she had a pretty busy schedule and not when her mind was supposed to be elsewhere. Her husband was reporting to the Chief in this very moment and this awareness was enough to mess her head. The clinic was a good place to spend the morning. No hard cases, time to think. And Grey looked like she really needed to make order in her head right now. Bailey picked up her notes and realized Altman and Torres were still there.

"So… you have your residents… don't you?"

"Yes, and a pretty cool surgery waiting for me" Callie's eyes sparkled in excitement and Bailey looked at her coldly.

"So why are you sucking up my oxygen then? Go"

Torres rolled her eyes and left snorting. She was too old and mature to take the Nazi's bitching. Teddy giggled and Miranda looked to her threateningly. Altman raised her hands in surrender.

"Don't spank me, Bailey. I'm here to talk to you about Manuel"

"Is he ready?"

"Yeah… he can be" she set the chart on the desk and opened it "all labs came out good, the heart is strong, he can be ready for the transplant"

"If we find a liver…"

"If we find a liver, yes" she closed the chart and smiled to her. "You won't blame me about this too, will you?"

"Of course I won't"

"Good. As we're all a bit shaken and nervous today. We just can't jump at each other's throats"

"I didn't jump at anyone"

Bailey's voice came out harsh and she almost got scared herself. Teddy smiled collecting her chart.

"If you say so… Just page me if there are news on your patient. I can scrub in and assist if you want"

"Thank you"

"Bye, Bailey"

* * *

"What have we got?"

Mark entered the visit room pulling gloves on. There were paramedics and nurses and the little room was overcrowded. He approached the table and saw a woman lying on it. She had a really bad laceration to her face.

"Samantha Rennings, 28. Deep laceration to the forehead and cheekbone. Possible glass fragments under the skin"

Sloan got closer, the paramedic's description really fitted the situation. He could see glass shards poking out of the woman's dermis and underneath it. Her eyes were darting in the room, she looked scared and Mark touched her arm.

"Samantha… I'm dr. Sloan. Can you hear me?"

"Where's Sean?"

"Who is he? Was he with you?"

"He's my son…"

Sloan locked eyes with the paramedic and she talked to him.

"They were shopping at the trade center. The kid was running around and didn't see a shop window. He knocked it down and they both got caught under it"

"Where is he now?"

"On the ambulance on his way here" she leant into his space to whisper in his ear "it's bad"

Mark nodded and the girl left the room, he put on a stethoscope and approached the patient again.

"Ok, Samantha… Your son is going to get here soon. I'll keep you posted. But now I need you to relax and stay still"

"I… My face…"

"I know… you have a nasty cut but I'm gonna work on it. 1 mg of morphine please"

The nurse behind him filled a syringe and handled it to him.

"Ok… now you're gonna feel a little jab… Hold on, it will go away immediately"

He inserted the needle under her skin and the woman flinched.

"Stay still… this will numb your face and I'll suture it"

"I feel glass… everywhere"

"I actually need to check every inch of your skin. If there are shards inside, we need to get them out before they get infected"

The woman started to cry and Mark squeezed her hand.

"I know it's difficult, Samantha. But I'm the best and you need to keep still"

"I just want to know about my baby…"

"As soon as he gets here, I'll tell you. Now if you want to help him, just let me do my work"

The woman closed his eyes and Mark flashed a pen on her face, he traced his fingertips on the woman's face and felt foreign presences under it.

"I need to book an OR right away"

"Sure dr. Sloan" The nurse picked up the phone and dialed the surgical floor number, Mark heard her mumbling something into the receiver and then she spoke to him "We have one right now or you'll have to wait till noon"

"We take it now"

He was taking a fragment out with a tweezers and the patient looked up to him.

"I need to know how my baby is"

"You need to be taken care of, Samantha. Some pieces are really deeply jabbed in your skin. Every minute which goes, the more they go down. We need to take them out before they damage something for good. Your kid is on his way here, my colleagues will take good care of him. Where is your husband?"

"In Europe… working… He's…. a fancy manager and he's always around the world"

"Have you someone I could call?"

"My mother in law… she lives here"

"Ok… just give Nurse Janet the number, she'll call her. Now just try to relax a bit. I'll see you in the OR"

He took his gloves off and left, leaning at the nurses station and picking up a phone. Another nurse approached him and he covered the receiver with his hand.

"Have you paged dr. Hunt?"

"Yes, he's on his way here"

"Ok… I'm gonna take her upstairs now. If we don't track him down first, send him in OR 2"

"Sure, Dr. Sloan"

"Thank you"

* * *

Derek knocked to Richard's door and was invited to go in.

Finally he had succeeded to be five minutes late but the Chief didn't look bothered, not for this at least. He gestured Derek to sit and Sheperd obliged, crossing his leg on the other and adjusting his coat.

Richard looked uncomfortable, he took his glasses off his nose and cleared his throat to speak.

"So… to tell the truth there's not much I can tell you. The Board decided to instruct an internal commission and to take its time to figure this out. I've already delivered my report and it's up to them to decide now… I guess they also want to wait for the FDA decision and … eventual actions against the hospital. Everything is suspended right now…"

"Am I too?"

Webber looked surprised by Sheperd's question.

"Of course not, why would you be?"

"As I was the Responsible of a trial which turned out to be a trick. That's why…"

"Derek… My report explained exactly what happened, that you were unaware of everything…"

"So who's going to take the fault for this, dr. Grey?"

There was something destabilizing in the way Derek uttered his wife's surname, something which rang a bell into the Chief's head. But he let it go as this wasn't the moment to move this conversation to other topics.

"In my report I didn't mention names, Derek. I've just explained what happened"

"I guess it won't be enough, Richard. As there were violations… bad violations to a protocol which was issued on purpose to avoid this kind of stuff. Do you really think the FDA will accept some general and blurry exposition of facts?"

"I'm just trying to minimize the damages. But you don't look to be doing the same"

"I'm just being realistic. Anything else?"

"No… not until Friday morning at least. And not if there is anything you want to suggest or ask me"

"I have told you already what I thought about this. The decision was on you and you have certainly already made it so… for the moment that's all for me"

Derek stood and started to walk to the door. He had already his hand on the doorknob when Richard called him back.

"Don't you even want to know what is gonna be of your wife?"

Guiltiness stabbed his heart and he sighed, but it lasted a moment and then emptiness took the lead again.

"I'd stick to professional by now. And my resident will inform me anyway" Sheperd's pager beeped and he took it off his belt. "It's the ER… I need to go"

He closed the door behind his back and Webber saw him walking down the catwalk. His pager beeped too and he was surprised to read the same indication Derek had found on his own. ER. 911. It had to be a tough case if they had been paged both. He stood and wore his coat, heading to the elevator. The door were closing and he called for the occupier to wait.

"Hold the door, please"

He sneaked his hand inside and his eyes focused on Derek. Apparently he hadn't been that much forward. Sheperd backed against the wall and Richard pressed the button.

"I was paged downstairs too… Do you know what's about?"

"No"

End of the conversation. Derek was clearly mad at him too and Richard couldn't blame him after all. This story had mixed their lives again, professional had melted into private and a giant mess had come out of the pot.

Now everything was at risk and maybe Derek was right, he was just being realistic.

As this could turn out to dissolve like a soap bubble. Richard hoped it would but he also knew that it was daring too much. Or it could mess up their lives in a destructive way. Derek looked like the one who was risking much more than others. He was the attending responsible of the trial, his name had been recently acclaimed for the Harper Avery. If the FDA wanted to give a model admonition, here was the perfect case. And the resident who had messed up with the protocol was his wife. Rationally speaking, there were all the conditions to compromise his reputation.

Only Richard felt in a deadlock. He couldn't feed Meredith to sharks, he couldn't just abandon her to her destiny. Not knowing she had done all this for Adele. So what? Professionally speaking Sheperd had every right to be mad at them both, but paradoxically this wasn't what concerned Webber more now. Their marriage was. Derek was a great guy, but once he got on the white horse it was impossible for him to take a step back. He had already showed this leaving New York in a blink. Now things were different. He truly loved Meredith and they were having a baby together. He couldn't just ignore her forever. But now he was doing that, Richard was sure. And he felt responsible.

The elevator reached the floor and Richard sighed seeing Meredith standing on front of the doors. Her eyes settled immediately on Derek who, on the contrary, hadn't seen her or was pretending not to see her. He straightened up and walked out of the lift, passing side by side with her.

"Derek…" her soft and shaky voice wasn't enough to move him. He walked away without even looking at her. Her face followed him, her eyes moistening and betraying the pain all this situation was causing her. Richard's doubts got confirm in the worst way. And he still had to deliver her bad professional news.

* * *

Alex was working like a dog to keep this baby alive.

He had seen his mother minutes before but Sloan had taken control of the case and told him to wait for this one. And medically speaking, it was a once in a life case.

This little boy had a been pierced by a sheet of glass, it had entered from his neck and ended God knew where. From the entrance wound, it looked huge. And if you thought that this baby was three feet high, it really could end everywhere. Organs could have been pierced, the spine could have been severed. The bleeding was massive and the baby had already coded twice.

"Give me 1mg of adrenaline"

The door opened violently and Alex saw, in the corner of his eyes, Sheperd and Webber coming in, already dressed and ready for the emergency.

"What have we got?"

Sheperd's authoritative voice sounded so close that Alex flinched. He turned around and noticed he was standing right beside him, ready to visit the patient.

"Shean Miller, 3 years old. He knocked a window down. Shard of glass jabbed in the neck. He coded once during the way here and once here. Pressure is low, 45 to 60"

"Has he ever been conscious?"

"Not here. The paramedic said they lost him after the first coding"

Both Sheperd and Webber were visiting the child. The Chief was checking the heart rate and lungs, Sheperd was flashing a penlight in the baby's pupils.

"What do you tell me, Karev?" Alex looked to Webber, who was still using his stethoscope.

"Heart and lungs sound fine but we don't know where that thing is stuck"

"So what do we do?"

"CT, stat"

"Good…" Webber abandoned the instrument he was using and patted his shoulder. "You did a good job in keeping him alive… Shep…"

"Pupils are responsive. I want to check the mobility before taking him down to the CT"

Derek took a needle and pricked the baby's palm. He waited for a reaction, a natural movement of closure to happen but the kid's fingers stayed still.

"Come on, Sean… come on" he took the baby's tiny hand in his and pricked the other one, sighing noticing no reaction at all.

"Do you think it has damaged the spine?"

"Seeing the angle and the size of that thing… it could have"

Derek moved to the bottom of the gurney, he lifted the sheet covering the little patient. His heart squeezed seeing Sean was still wearing his funny, Mickey Mouse soaks. He pulled one away gently and stimulated the sole. Webber waited like all the present for a sign, but nothing happened. Derek set the needle apart and took off his yellow coat.

"I need your help to stabilize him on the gurney"

"Ok… what do you want to do?"

Derek approached the right side of the stretcher and looked down , quickly focusing on what he wanted to do.

"I want to make sure he doesn't move an inch"

"He's unconscious…"

Alex regretted the sentence when it was still lingering in the air. Sheperd sent him a deathly glare and kept doing what he was busy to do. Karev expected him to kick him out or bury him of names, but he didn't.

"A minimal movement could kill or maim him. We need to make sure he lays perfectly still…"

Derek pulled ties on the baby's chest, he immobilized his arms, shoulders and feet. Anyone dared to speak in front of the pitiful scene displaying in that room. Alex didn't know if he was still influenced by Karen's words and the way Derek had acted around Zola, but he could swear there was a tenderness and delicacy he had never noticed before in his gestures and movements.

"We can go now"

Webber opened the door and held it open while Sheperd and nurses pushed the gurney out. He watched them walking down the hallway and then stared to Alex, still standing in the room.

"Don't you come?"

"I…"

Webber read through his fears and doubts.

"You took the case and you're still on it. The rest doesn't matter now. Pull yourself together, Karev"

* * *

Meredith's morning had been the last thing she needed. A boring, empty morning in the clinic with nothing to busy her head with. But the image of Derek ignoring her again.

Her friends were probably engaged in some kick ass surgery, Meredith had heard of the tough case of the mother and kid caught under a window. She sighed thinking she should have been by Derek's side in that one, she was the neuro resident. Or not anymore?

Of course Webber had decided to take her off Derek's service. They couldn't work together, not when they weren't even in speaking terms. Or was this Derek's idea? Judging from what had happened in the elevator, it was more plausible the second.

Her husband was a man capable of extreme feelings. She had experienced the good side of it… and now she was getting to know the bad one. Only Derek wasn't a man who insulted, aggressed verbally… he just ignored people. And this was really worse.

After the shock she had experienced the day Alex had sold her out and the consequential denial and refusal to tell the truth, Meredith had reasoned on what had happened. She had got a lot of time to think about it and understanding Derek's point of view. Which was a lot Derek – like. And perfectly coherent to tell the truth.

He was not scared of the possible consequences of this mess on his career and there their feelings already parted. As she was. Very much. She had lived the roaring days of the Sheperd Method, the trucks of ink the medical press had spent on him, for him. The same press which had sang his glory when he had been awarded with Harper Avery. Now all these guys would be ready to destroy his name and reputation. There was nothing better than the story of a God falling. And medically speaking Derek was worldwide known as a neuro God. Plus the fact he had been screwed in his own hospital by his own wife made the news even more juicy and potentially sheer. His name could end dead after this. The FDA had already opened an official inquiry and Meredith didn't know which could be the consequences if the mal practice had been verified. The trial closing up was the least which could happen. The worse… she didn't know. Then there was the inner side of the problem. The Board's reaction. Derek was the designed heir to Chief of Surgery, Webber was just keeping the chair warm for him and this thing could bust everything up. She didn't know… had never known if Derek really wanted this or not. But turning down the job was one thing, being dismissed for the trial failure was another.

The two branches of the disciplinary matters could be connected or not, but nothing good was going to come out of this and Meredith felt responsible. She also felt egoistically concerned as hurt Derek forgiving her was already a long way to go, hurt Derek suspended or fired was a mountain she was sure she couldn't climb.

She didn't know if it was better waiting for the sentence to be pronounced or trying to fix things before. As the bigger wrong she had done to her husband was certainly personal. She had betrayed his trust and destroyed something he meant to spend his life on. Everything the hospital and FDA could decide wouldn't match the damage she had done herself.

She sighed closing the last visit room she had checked. The clinic was completely desert and she decided to go and grab a tea, she had ten minutes before the meeting with the Chief. She pushed the doors open and bumped them into dr. Bailey.

"Oh… sorry. I didn't see you"

"It's fine"

"Do you need something? The clinic is empty and I was heading to the Chief's office"

"To tell the truth, the Chief sent me here to delay your meeting"

"Oh…"

"He is in a tough case with D… Dr. Sheperd. It's gonna take a lot of time"

"Ok… do I have to stay here anyway or will you assign me to something else?" Bailey looked away and Meredith sensed she was biting her tongue not to spat back "Right… I'm gonna stay here. But if you want to tell me something, just do it. Don't care about my sensitivity. I've been hearing harsh comments all around this morning when people thought I wasn't paying attention. Yours won't make it any worse"

"For the first time in my life, Grey, I don't have anything to tell you. You should have an idea on your own right now"

"The problem is that my idea is different from others'. I'm not repented of what I did, dr. Bailey. And I'm almost surprised that you, out of all people, blame me too"

"Why in hell wouldn't I blame you?"

"You worked on her… you saw her…"

"And I know she was very sick. But this doesn't change you were working on something bigger than that, you had dozens of patients, Grey, and you were supposed to treat them all the same way"

"They aren't all the same…"

"They do are. And I could accept this when you were stupid interns cutting wires out of love, not now. Didn't you learn anything in all these years?"

"I did but…"

"Becoming good surgeons doesn't mean only mastering a good technique. It means making good choices, it means being responsible"

"So now after bad mother I'm going to be also a bad surgeon… that's what you're going to say?"

Bailey's eyes narrowed in shock, Meredith's lower lip quivered and she sniffled not to cry. Miranda looked at her softly and her voice became friendly.

"I'm not telling you this, Grey. I didn't think it and I don't. You made a mistake, a big one. You should restart from there. We all make mistakes, I did too… Remember when I entered Sheperd's OR and begged him to let the serial killer die? I lost it too there. For my fortune I met someone who pulled me back on earth and we limited the damages. You did all by yourself here, you should have asked advice or help when you started to feel uncomfortable around Adele. Do you think it was less difficult to Derek? He grew up with the Webbers. The Chief… did put the both of you under a lot of pressure and this story proved to be tough from the beginning. The mistake, Meredith, was that you stopped thinking like a doctor. If you had kept doing that…"

"I wouldn't have pulled this stunt…" she brushed a tear away sniffling "it's what Derek said too"

Bailey sensed they were getting to the core of the matter. She hadn't talked to Sheperd personally after the bomb had exploded, but she knew they weren't in good terms right now. She sighed taking Grey's hand.

"Derek is a good guy, Grey. He may have said things but…"

"He thinks those things. He thinks I can't get the different between right and wrong. And he's right. As even after what you told me, I keep thinking I would do it again. That's who I am. And if I'm gonna be a bad mother for it… well… maybe it's the final evidence I wasn't supposed to have kids"

"You're talking non sense now. I was here to try to support you and I did it. I told you everyone can make a mistake as I believe it. But we all make treasure from our failures, Grey. And the first teaching we get is to admit the mistake loud. If you don't get what you did is wrong… I guess you're going to have hard times in front of you. I wait for you in half an hour out of room 2455. Show up, I'm gonna teach you something"

* * *

Derek and Webber were in the CT control room, waiting for Karev to finish preparing Sean to have his exam. Alex finally raised his hand and the baby disappeared in the machine. The resident came into the room too and they all waited in silence for the images to appear.

"How was his pressure?" Derek asked, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"45 to 60"

"Still low… We need to take him to the OR straight away after this"

"Let's just see which side to face the problem first"

A beep filled the room and the first images appeared on the screen. Derek bent forward and Webber put his glasses on. He cleared his throat.

"It looks like it has missed everything"

"All organs look intact"

Alex's voice was almost incredulous. The shard was three spans long, it had pierced the baby's neck and sank till his liver without rupturing anything.

"God put his hand on this kid's head"

"Maybe not completely…" Derek touched the screen and another image tuned. From this angle Webber saw what Derek meant.

"Damn it…" he muttered under his breath. The shard had moved a vertebra aside and was pushing the whole spine on the left. Richard looked to Sheperd.

"Do you think he's quadriplegic?"

"I don't know. There was no response before but… it could be a lot of things"

"There's anything you can do to be sure?"

"No… not if he's unconscious. And I can't certainly run an electro miography while he has a piece of glass inside his body" Derek stroked his eyes thinking. The kid was going to drain the circle soon because of blood loss. They needed to operate. "I'm gonna take it out and fuse the vertebras hoping nothing is damaged yet"

"A spinal fusion?"

"The shard moved D3. The spine won't hold the weight like this… we need to anchor and steady it"

"This area is full of pulmonary vessels and arteries…"

"I didn't say it would be easy… or quick. It's going to be a marathon and I'm gonna need help"

"Do you want me to page Torres?"

"No… I need a general surgeon or cardio… There won't be much room to work and I want to make sure not to damage anything while moving that stuff"

"I can scrub in if you want"

Webber saw Derek sighing. They had just endured a civil conversation and Richard had thought the ice had melted or… whatever. It was just an illusion. Sheperd had been professional on a case, the perspective of spending a whole day with him in the OR didn't appeal him, not more than before. He stood switching off the monitors.

"Your choice, Chief. I'll be in OR3"

He stormed out of the room and Richard saw him appearing near the CT, he waited personally for the stretcher to be out and checked the stripes he had fixed before. A nurse was beside him, trying to help and Richard saw Derek giving her instructions. They lifted the stretcher gently and set it back on its wheels. Sheperd took a last glance to the wound of entry and flashed his penlight again in the baby's pupils before pushing the gurney out. Alex looked at his back till he disappeared behind the corner and breathed out loudly. Webber looked up to him frowning.

"You're fine, Karev?"

"Yes, sir. I just don't think it's a good idea for me to scrub in"

"Why? Are you too involved in this case?"

"No… I guess I'm too involved in his…" he waved his hand and Webber got he meant Derek. "Maybe it's better I step down from this"

"I thought you were a surgeon, Karev"

"I am. But he's not even looking at me… How can we work together like this?"

"First of all you shouldn't be working together. We'd work, you'd assist. And it's a pretty good case. Second, I don't know which is your problem with dr. Sheperd but I suggest you to try to solve it"

"You perfectly know what's my problem…better his problem with me. I reported Meredith and now they both hate me"

"As I told you already, dr. Karev, I'd try to solve your personal matters as soon as possible. See you in the OR"

* * *

"I thought glass of new generation didn't crumble like this"

Mark was taking fragments out of the woman's face while Owen was working on her leg. His eyes were focused on Samantha's cheeks, he was sitting right next her face.

"I didn't either. I was told it breaks but stays all together"

"That's the crap the glazier sold me too but… apparently it's not always like that. There are splinters everywhere…"

"Here too. We should make a CT later to check we took them all. Some are like thin hair" Owen pulled out a new fragment holding it in front of his eyes with the forceps before throwing it in the basin.

"Needles… they are thin and pointed like needles. And they have entered flesh like a knife in the butter"

"How many to go?"

"I should be almost done. Luckily this scan located them all and now I'm just following a path and take them out one by one"

"The magic of technology, uhm? Being doctors is much easier like this"

"True… but you need to be able to work without big eye… be able to follow your instinct a and use your skills. Our kids trust machines too much"

"It's all the medicine they know. Cristina narrows her eyes when I tell her we didn't have CTs in every hospital till five years ago"

"Now you make me feel old, Hunt"

"You're not old. You're an old doctor"

"Watch out…"

"And I'm too. We were taught to run exams trusting our hands and symptoms more than anything else. Now they just push a button and the answer is there, in black and white in front of you"

"It's a little bit sad, don't you think?"

"I don't know"

"It's everything less exiting and more boring"

"But we can cure much more cases and be successful most of the times. It's easier to win the battle if you know where the enemy stands and who the enemy is"

"Right… but the enemy doesn't go down by himself. You need to know where to attack and how"

"And that's why those old doctors will keep the lead for a long time again. Strategy is a difficult subject to learn"

"Crap…"

Owen raised his eyes from the surgical field and looked to Sloan.

"Sloan?"

"I can't find one"

"What?"

"One fragment… it should be here and it's not"

"Maybe you've already taken it out"

"I followed a path not to do this mistake, the strategy plan was perfect and I'm sure I didn't take it out"

"Dr. Sloan…" the anesthesiologist addressed to the surgeon quietly.

"What?"

"She's losing blood from her mouth"

Both Mark and Owen abandoned their instruments on the tray and rounded the table, the intubation tube was read in blood and it also trickled out of the woman's open mouth.

"It can't be, right?"

"Sink like a knife in the butter. Your fragment sank into her cheek and is moving down her neck. We need to open her up"

"Blindly?"

"If it tears the carotid she's going to bleed out before we have the chance to come back here. Let's move the table and prepare her"

Mark nodded and lowered the gown covering Samantha's throat and upper chest. An idea popped in his mind and he spoke right before Hunt made the first cut.

"Why don't we insert a little camera in her mouth?"

"Excuse me?"

"You can't open her whole neck, Owen. And it's like we're looking for a needle in the haystack. It could be everywhere" Mark took a probe from the tray and showed it to his colleague. "Why don't we put this into the oral cavity and see where the blood comes from?"

"And cut when we find it. Good idea, Mark"

He put the scalpel down and Mark handled him the little wire. Owen leant on the patient's face but stopped.

"What?"

"It's better we go in from the nose"

He resumed his working and finally images appeared on the screen.

"We're in"

"Ok…" Owen took the commander in his hands and guided the micro camera down the nasal cavity. He proceeded slowly when he arrived into the mouth, careful to avoid the intubation kit. He went down the throat and Mark snorted.

"We missed it…"

"What?"

"We're almost in the esophagus. It's impossible it went that far"

"It did instead…" Owen stopped and Mark's eyes settled on the screen. The images showed a little tip piercing the wall of the esophagus. "Ok… now we know where it is and we can take it out. Scalpel please"

The nurses handled him the instrument and Owen got ready while Mark took the camera out.

"Do you want me to page Bailey?"

"No, you'll assist me"

"Fine…"

Owen made the cut and prepared the field.

"Retractor, please"

"Is it fine, dr. Hunt?"

Owen sensed the irony in Mark's voice. He wasn't pissed to play the nurse in this one, he was smirking behind the mask.

"Very good, dr. Sloan. I'll do the same for you when you close her up"

"Very nice…"

Nurses giggled and Owen looked around frowning.

"What?"

"Nothing… we're lucky we both have a steady relationship going on… Someone could think we were flirting…"

"Excuse me?"

"Relax… I've already faded once gossips about my presumed love story with Derek… And secondly… I'd choose a younger horse eventually"

"We've just established we're not old…"

"Not old doesn't mean fresh and young"

* * *

Cristina raised her pace when she spotted Meredith standing at the nurses station.

"Hey"

Grey nearly jumped on her feet, startled by her friend. She leant against the desk relaxing.

"Hey"

"So… how did it go?"

"It didn't go. Webber got caught with a tough case with Derek and he delayed out meeting. I'm still hanging around"

"And what are you doing here?"

"The probation in the clinic ended. Bailey involved me in her case… I'm waiting for her and her new preach"

"Preach?"

"Yeah… she means to show me where I went wrong with the trial and that's why I'm here. It's the Grey's abuse day"

"Mer…"

"Just don't. I'm tired of people who want to teach me stuff. I know what I did and what I have to do. I just want to fix things with Derek…"

"And you'll do. But, Meredith, if you don't get off your pedestal it's going to be hard to do it"

"I know… it just sucks that everyone feels the need to stick his tongue in this so… please… don't do it too"

"Ok…"

"Good… what about you? Did your surgery go fine?"

"Smoothly. I've just reported to that woman… Makena… and now I'm free to go through galleries and pick good procedures"

"Something special?"

"Apparently I lost a nice show between Owen and Sloan… Avery told me they looked like two old maids claiming their last conquests" Meredith giggled "and there was also some flirting"

"I'd have wanted to see that"

"Me too… I think I'll have to content with Sheperd's epic save going on in OR 3"

"Epic?" Cristina looked to Meredith. The happiness of seconds before had disappeared at the mention of her husband's name. Yang slapped herself mentally for her insensibility.

"He's got a three years old stabbed by a shard of glass. Alex told me it shifted his spine and they hope to save him from quadriplegia. If he's not quadriplegic already"

"What?"

"He was unconscious and they couldn't establish if the damage is done or not. They're gonna make this 15 hour long surgery and then maybe realizing he was done already…"

Meredith sighed. The thought of Derek doing all this without her was almost choking. She was supposed to be there to support him, make him laugh and relax. These long surgeries used to wear him out and he loved to have her by his side. Plus now she knew the Chief was going to be busy for long, their meeting would probably be delayed to the following day and Derek had a real reason not to come home. Not till late at least. She sighed and locked eyes with Cristina.

"So I guess I'll see you home later"

"Are you inviting me for dinner?"

"At this point… you'll be there anyway so… let's do things straight"

Her eyes traveled over Cristina's shoulder and she saw Bailey and Robbins coming closer. Meredith straightened up and her friend realized she needed to go.

"I'll be in the gallery if you get free"

"Ok"

Yang walked away and Bailey greeted her, Arizona getting into the room.

"Ok… Robbins and I are working on this case for… two years. The patient is a nine years old diagnosed with MRC"

"Is he on the transplant list?"

"No"

"I don't understand…"

"Geremy is not in the transplant list as dialysis is enough… has always been enough up to now to clean his system"

"So he has been coming here for two years?"

"Three times each weak. I'm surprised you didn't meet him before. Looks like it's going to happen now"

Bailey walked into the room and Meredith followed her, surprised to see the mother's patient hugging Arizona tightly. She knew the ped surgeon was bright and smiley, she worked with kids and had a rare quality to make them and their families feel at home immediately. Only this show of affection was a bit out of line for her too and Meredith started to feel uncomfortable. The contact between the woman and the doctor ended and the patient spoke.

"Mum… she won't treat me anymore if you crush her like that each time"

"Sweetie… Aunt Arizona knows I'm pretty emotional. And she wasn't here last time we came. And even missed our dinner last Monday so… I had every right to hug her. Even if she's working. And her colleagues know me by now so… I hope they'll forgive me"

"Don't be silly, Amanda. I'm not going to get fired for a hug in work time. And dr. Bailey and Grey know I'm a loud person so… no problem. So… everything is ready downstairs. Unfortunately I can't stay with you the whole time but dr. Grey here is going to take good care of you"

"Arizona… I hoped we could spend some time together…"

"I hoped too… but I have a surgery in two hours and I need to get ready"

"African kids?"

"Yeah…"

"She told you about our program?" Miranda arched her brows and Robbins rolled her eyes. Her cousin bumper her hip with hers and giggled.

"Of course… it's all that she talks about lately. But better like this I say… It's better Africa comes here rather than she leaves again"

"All right… thank you Amy, I really needed that"

"What did I say? I just stated the truth"

"Relax, Aunt. You know she always thinks she's right…"

"She does… Now I know why you always want to spend time with me"

"Yes… as your home is land of freedom… like never-never land or whatever"

"Callie and I give rules when he stops by. We're just less oppressive"

"Oppressive?"

Arizona kissed her cousin's cheek and walked to the door.

"I'll see you later guys"

She disappeared down the hallway and Amanda snorted talking to her son.

"Am I oppressive?"

"A little bit"

"Well… that's what mothers are for…" she sat on the chair near the bed and eyed Meredith and Bailey. Miranda got she was waiting for instructions.

"Right… so… we'll do the usual labs and exams and, if everything is fine, dr. Grey will take you down to dialysis in half an hour"

"Thank you"

Bailey eyed Meredith and they both left the room. The resident was surprised, bringing patients to dialysis was not a task usually surgery took care of. She looked to her boss waiting for explanations.

"Geremy has developed over years tenderness of veins and arteries. He needs a surgical assistance once hooked up to the machine"

"Ok…"

"You're going to run the labs and take him down if everything is fine"

Bailey closed the chart and handled it to Meredith.

"What should I learn from this?"

"I expect you to tell me by the end of the day, Grey"

* * *

"How is the heart rate?"

Derek had made a deep incision from Sean's neck down to the mid of his back. The shard was still in and, patient open, they were appreciating the damages the child's body had suffered. Sheperd was staring down the operating field, trying to get what was the best way to approach and remove the fragment.

Karev was sitting at the monitors, he had been checking pressure and heart frequency from when the surgery had started, a couple of hours by now.

"70 to 85, sir"

"It's low"

"The prone position is not helping, Derek"

"I know… but it was the only way to have access to the spine and heart at the same time"

He moved flesh and organs inside to get better view and sighed.

"The glass has torn nerves down here. I can't take it out without doing more damage"

"But we need to take it out"

"I know… We should just have the chance to do it gradually… and fix stuff in the process"

"What do you mean?"

"If we pull this out, we'll have to face a massive bleeder and, before we can take care of the spinal infraction, the damage will be permanent. I'm just trying to think and get if we can cut this thing and remove it, piece by piece"

"We'd need a pincer"

Webber's suggestion wasn't the right one, but it helped Derek to have an idea. Good or not… he didn't know.

"Not a pincer… A laser"

"What?"

"Handle me a laser, please"

"Derek…"

"I've seen my contractor doing this" he turned the instrument on and a red beam came out. Sheperd pointed it to the edge of the shard, not jabbed in Sean's body. The glass started to squeak "The heat is going to cut the glass. I've seen workers doing it. Just hold the base, please. I don't want it to fall on his face"

Webber approached hesitantly the point Derek was working on. He didn't like the idea to keep his hand two inches from a 2000 watt laser. Sheperd seemed to read through his mind.

"I won't flinch, I promise. But we can switch if you prefer"

"No, it's fine like this"

Webber gripped the glass and felt it starting to move.

"I'm almost done"

With a last crack the fragment gave out and Webber found himself holding a free piece. He rolled it in his fingers, contemplating for the first time the thickness of that glass.

"It works"

Derek raised his eyes from the operating field and breathed out.

"I wasn't that sure it would. Ok… now I go on and cut another one. This time we're really inside so… if anyone wants to say something… it's better you do it now and then shut up. I'm not comfortable with this stuff working in my hands. Anyone?"

Nurses and doctors shared a tensed look but nobody dared to speak. Derek was about to resume his working but Richard talked.

"Derek… if the laser touches him…"

"I know… let's do it"

The red light came out again and Richard saw it tracing a perfect line through the glass. He heard the material cracking and Derek stopped when he saw blood seeping through the chink the laser had created. He handled the instrument to someone behind him and gripped the fragment, taking it out. Immediately blood poured out and Webber started to suck it out.

"Suction… more suction, please"

Derek helped him but the bleeder looked too huge.

"Karev… drop the control and come here, there's a rupture in the pleura"

Alex obliged and ran to Derek's side. Sheperd held him the sucker and went to the other side of the table.

"I don't see anything, Derek" Richard was working frantically but he couldn't see anything.

"It's there"

Derek picked up a clamp and inserted his hand in the cavity. The hemorrhage stopped and Webber looked to him surprised.

"I saw it from the other side of the table. It's going to need a fix"

Richard's eyes focused on the damage and he nodded.

"You're right. Good catch, Shep. I can do it"

Derek retrieved and headed to the scrub room taking off his gloves.

"Where are you going?"

"I need new gloves and to scrub in again. The glass tore the ones I was wearing"

"Are you fine? Did you cut your hand?"

"No, I'm good. I'll be right back"

* * *

"We're gonna fill the chronicles with this one"

Owen rolled his eyes seeing Mark smirking. He hated that smugness in his voice. They were walking towards the OR board, side by side. Samantha was in her room, still asleep, her proxy hadn't arrived yet and they had finished to visit her and assigned her post op to an intern. Everything was meant to be fine, the complication of the laceration of the esophagus had been brilliantly faced and solved. She was going to have a long recovery ahead, months of artificial nutrition but her worries wouldn't be there for sure. Owen had known about her son, who was currently in OR 3, and his excitement about his save had dropped considerably. That's why he was finding Sloan's humor and cockiness pretty upsetting.

"Maybe… but I hope Sheperd will do even better with her son"

"Right… he's still in OR 3 apparently"

"And I'm going to take a look, you come?"

"Why not"

They turned around and were faced by a charming and unknown lady. She looked to be lost and was looking around frowning. Hunt addressed to her politely.

"Can I help you, madam?"

"Oh… yes. Thank you. I was looking for Chief Webber actually. A nurse gave me indications to his office but… I think I got lost"

"Yeah… we're in the surgical area here; his office is down that corridor but… you won't find him as he's in surgery"

"Oh…"

"Did you have an appointment?"

"Actually not. I needed to talk to him and run some… enquiry we had agreed. I can do it anyway… it's not necessary I meet him now"

"Ok… can I help you somehow or take you somewhere?"

"No… I was thinking I could go to the gallery… so… I think it's that way"

She walked towards the stairs and Mark eyed Owen curiously. They both shrugged and took the same way. They entered the gallery which was full and saw the unknown lady sitting in a corner by herself, Owen sat in the last row while Mark's eyes were fixed on the screen.

"What the hell is he doing?"

Hunt saw what Mark meant, he took his arm and pulled him down sitting. Whatever Sheperd was doing was borderline and was keeping everyone stuck in that place, holding breath.

"He's cutting glass into a kid's body… and Webber is down with him"

Mark's eyes wandered in the room and settled on the red clock showing 5 hours 43 minutes of surgery. There were fellow attendings in the gallery, interns taking notes. It looked like Derek was trying to write a new epic surgery.

"I wasn't told the kid was that bad"

"Me either… I think it's better I go and sit with his mum in half an hour. She's gonna ask when she wakes up and I don't want some stupid intern to upset her"

"Yeah… it's better she knows from you"

Mark stood and pressed the interphone button, Derek and the others hadn't their hands in the child so he could interrupt now.

"Derek… how is the situation?"

"Touch and go, Mark. We're taking it out piece after piece to repair the damages. And I'll have to make a spinal fusion in the end"

"Why?"

"The shard has shifted the spine on the left and there's a lesion to D3. I need to try this if I want to prevent him from being quadriplegic. How's the mother?"

"Fine. A fragment pierced the esophagus but we were able to fix it. I'm gonna wait with her in a few"

"Ok… It will take hours here, Mark"

"I know the drill, don't worry"

Sloan went back to his place and closed his arms around his chest snorting. Owen looked to him curiously.

"What?"

"Nothing…"

Mark's eyes were fixed on Derek using the laser. He snorted again.

"Sloan…"

"I watch him doing this crazy thing and I can't help thinking they can't take him away from this"

"What do you mean?"

"He can't lose everything for the trial's thing… It's not fair"

"We just need to wait and have faith…"

"It's what he used to do and look how it ended… The thing which bothers me more is that I can't even be mad… I can't… yell like I'd like to do as Grey is… she's… Big Grey. And Lexie would kill me if I dared to tell her anything"

"The situation is complicated, Mark. It's better we all stay out of it"

"But we shouldn't, Hunt. She's a resident and she messed up. And we're attendings and we'd have any right to yell at her. But everything is screwed up because of the Chief and Derek and… it's not fair if he paid for all this. He had nothing to do with it. Others have. And I should stay here shutting up and watch this happen without moving one finger?"

"Sloan…"

"I won't… I won't. I was sitting in the gallery for the first solo he made. Many years ago… too many years ago. And one thing Derek has always made clear to interns and residents and coworkers is ethic, how we treat patients, how we do manage cases, how we need to respect rules even if we don't like them. And you can't even imagine how many people he had to let go during his career as they were Jehovah witnesses or members or some screwed sect who refused surgery and brain open procedures. He made a must of protocols and he shouldn't pay for someone who carelessly broke them"

"Mark… we're attendings and when a resident messes up it's our face on the line. You should know that. But Sheperd is a respected professional and the circumstances were messed up on their own. They will take this into consideration, I'm sure. You don't need to be so pessimist"

"I have a strange feeling about this, Hunt. And things were not messed up… they were so simple and clear that someone could even want to mix them up now to screw better…"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing… I mean it's time to go and sit with Samantha in case she woke up"

"Do you want me to go?"

"No… I need to catch some air… Just stay and learn. I've seen a bunch of miracles but I didn't learn anyway"

He stood and left the room. Owen raked a hand in his hair. When he turned around he noticed the mysterious lady had left her spot.

* * *

Meredith closed the door of the dialyses area. She sent a last glare to Geremy and then approached his mother, sitting on a chair in the waiting area.

"Everything is fine… he'll be done in half an hour"

"Thank you, dr. Grey. It must be a bother for you to attend this but… thank you"

"It's not a bother, madam. Geremy needs special care and it's my job to do it"

They shared a quick smile and Meredith scribbled some note on the report.

"How far are you?"

"I'm entering the eighth month"

"And you're still working? Congratulations"

"I had a smooth pregnancy for my luck. And job helps keeping the spirit up"

"Yeah… you're right. I thought the same too. But then Geremy got sick and I had to leave it. No boss wants an employee who can't spend two days straight doing her job so… now I work from home and it's not the same"

Meredith sat near the woman, they had to wait till the end of the treatment and she could as well do some kind of conversation.

"I'm not looking forward staying home myself but… I guess I'm gonna be pretty busy"

"Oh yeah… you'll be. But remember those moments as later it will be worse. Teen agers suck… just not only sick ones"

They laughed and Meredith looked up, she felt more relaxed now, this woman was really kind and easy to talk too.

"So you and Dr. Robbins are relatives…"

"Yes… cousins… my mother and his father are sister and brother so… from what I know about families and parenthood we should be cousins. But she's more than that. We've always had a special bound and she helped me a lot through Geremy's disease"

"She is a very good doctor"

"I know… also to pains in the ass like me. She's right when she says I'm oppressive"

"You care about your child and he's sick. It's normal to be worried"

"It's not just that… I've got used to this… you know. The treatments and the await… there was a time I was very mad for this but… not anymore. I'm more upset that today Geremy's class went to a school trip to the city zoo and he couldn't go. Not today as not last month. And last year either so… it's what bothers me more. He can't do what other kids do, he can't go where other kids go. All this crap bothers me now as his friends are good children but… they're children and children can be harsh without even knowing. And I don't see a way out so… Geremy will never have a normal life… it's much to take sometimes"

"Mrs. Amanda …"

"Yeah, I know what you're going to say and you're right. Arizona tells me too. We are still lucky as he can have dialyses and is not bound to spend his entire life inside the hospital. I should be grateful and I am… it's just that sometimes I screw up and overthink and this isn't fair. This isn't fair for kids who don't have this chance… who are much worse than him. And I think you see a lot of them too"

"I do. But we all know there are a lot of healthy people in the world. And it's not bad to regret our loved ones can't have this luck"

"No, it's not. But to our fortune and yours too you have all your protocols to set rules and decide who and when has to get treatments. Parents at a certain point just see their own problems… those of their families so… we need someone to put boundaries back on the court. I thought Geremy's condition was desperate… I felt the world crumble down when Arizona told me his diagnose. But then I saw all his little mates die along these months… as they couldn't get a transplant… as they got it but it didn't work. And he's still here and the illness hasn't progressed so… I feel lucky now. I just feel the weight of the life I haven't anymore… of the things I loved and used to do and now I can't do. Sometimes this feeling comes and I melt down… by myself of course… and in front of people who think I'm totally out of it"

She rolled her eyes producing a handkerchief from her purse and Meredith smiled to her.

"I don't think you're out of it. But you should know my nickname is dark and twisty… so… probably my opinion doesn't count after all"

"So that's the loony group club …"

"I guess it is"

* * *

"I'm done here, Derek"

Webber squinted his eyes and looked up, he had repaired the damage to the liver and now the shard was all out, except for the fragment compressing the vertebra.

"You're all right, Chief?"

Derek was focused on the spine. His voice, despite the concern of the question, had sounded flat and cold. Or maybe it was just quiet and Richard was really too drained out to play the shrink right now.

"Yes… maybe just tired. It's a long time I didn't spend ten hours straight in the OR"

"I'm sorry… I told you it would be a marathon"

"And I was perfectly fine with it so… don't worry about me"

"Ok… now we're starting the second phase" he raised his eyes and looked to the red clock "and it could last as long as the first so… if you're tired maybe you should page me someone else"

"I've already told Bailey to come here when she was done on the floor. Half an hour and she's going to be here"

"Good… now I can get started. Please erase that counter…" the nurse pressed a button behind the clock and the count restarted from zero "do you know why, dr. Karev?"

"To check for how much time you stop the blood supply to the chord?"

"Exactly… but before we get to that point, we need to take this last piece out"

"And it doesn't look like it's going to be that easy"

"I guess no but… we have to get started eventually. Keep the sucker ready"

"It is"

"And my tray… I need to act on that vertebra immediately"

"Everything is ready, dr. Sheperd"

Derek looked up and snorted, it was clear he was feeling the pressure. They were at good point, the bleed was under control and they had repaired the damages. But nothing would be enough if this kid had lost the chance to run around, play around, grab objects, write, play music.

"Do you need one minute, Derek?"

"No… I was just trying to relax a bit before taking the plunge. But I'm ready now. Everybody is?"

"Yes, dr. Sheperd"

"Good"

He fixed the paddles on Sean's hands and feet, checked the monitors one last time by himself and stretched his fingers. Along with his trademark sentence, it was the sign he was going to attack the table once again. He bent forward and his hand gripped the last fragment, sticking out from the cord, he pulled gently and Webber held his breath seeing the glass coming out, long and sharp. Derek threw it in a basin, along with all the other pieces, and picked up his tools, tamponing the wound and assessing the situation for the last time.

"I just can't get how this could happen… In thirty years I have never seen something like this"

"It happened to my niece too … only she was far more lucky. She was hopping in the hallway of a trade center and saw my sister inside a shop. She ran to her and didn't realize there was a glass in the mid. It's the kind of scene we laugh at when we watch candid cameras… the window broke but it stayed up. She got some cut and scratch but nothing else. They were still discussing if calling 911 or not when the whole thing came down… If she had been in the same place… I don't know what would have happened"

"It's just scary how children can hurt themselves in a blink… They find danger where everything looks safe"

"It's safe for us… as we know better not to run against glasses or stick our fingers in some socket. They do not. And you just can't lose contact for one second"

Silence stretched in the room, Webber focused on Derek's hands, working meticulously and quickly. Suddenly he chuckled and Alex looked to him.

"Last time I went downtown I saw parents holding their babies with some kind of…. leash. I remember I found it gross and… out of place. I don't know if I think the same now. Maybe it's not a bad idea"

"I'm not so experienced of dogs and… I'm not experienced of babies at all but… I think you can't keep someone at leash forever. You loosen the tie… the dog does worse… and it's not like it can learn anything if it can't choose"

"You're right, Karev. Choosing means growing. And we never stop doing it, don't we?"

Alex looked to Derek sensing the sharpness of his sentence; the surgeon was working, his eyes fixed on the microscope and Karev swallowed dropping the topic. This wasn't surely the place he wanted to face Derek, he wasn't even so sure he wanted to face him at all but there… in the OR… it would be inappropriate.

"Clamp please…"

* * *

Bailey approached Meredith, standing in front of the nurses station.

"Did you page, Grey?"

"Yeah… we're done here. Everything went fine" she pushed the chart towards the attending and Miranda flipped some page, reading through the notes Meredith had written "Geremy will come back on Friday for the next session"

"No clot… no complication?"

"Nothing… all smoothly"

"Good" Miranda gave the chart back to Meredith, who was staring at her quizzically. "What?"

"Nothing… you said you were going to teach something to me but…" her voice died seeing Bailey's strict expression. The Nazi closed her arms in front of her chest at looked at her meaningfully.

"And you haven't?"

"Excuse me?"

"Haven't you learnt anything?"

"About dialyses and central lines? No, I haven't"

"I see. And it looks like you've also forgotten the first thing I taught you during your internship"

"Excuse me?"

"When you're called to work on a case you didn't start on your own, first thing you get to do is reading the chart" she opened Geremy's chart and Meredith flinched "Why do we waste time doing charts if not for giving information to doctors who work after us?"

Meredith sighed and started to read. She hadn't done it before as Robbins and Bailey had explained her the case, what she had to do. There had been no complication so she had skipped the first information on the patient. Her eyes grew wide when she reached the third line of the patient's history.

"He's not in the transplant list as he scored nine out of ten in the NITP test?"

"Apparently… but the learning part is who valued him like this"

Meredith's inside jolted sensing the answer, she flipped all pages till she got to the end of the folder where old tests and medical history were usually relegated. She recognized the NTIP test format and started to read. She sighed reading the surgeon who had subscribed the score and confined this baby to have continuous dialyses instead of the chance to have a transplant. Despite the astonishment, she went through the test and surprised herself not willing to change any of the evaluations Robbins had done two years before. Perfectly objective and rational.

"So… you see, Grey? We can love our patients and be willing to give the world to them without losing what makes of us doctors"

"Dr. Bailey…"

"Aunt Arizona wouldn't wish anything more than giving a normal life to his nephew. But dr. Robbins knows better that there were and are kids who need a transplant more urgently than Geremy. Do you know how easy it could have been to give him one more point and get him into the list? Damned easy. As Robbins is a respectful professional and everybody here values her judgment, even for this… As everyone knows kids are in good hands with her Grey… as she wouldn't screw lists and anyone's chance for her own benefit. And one day… if your baby got sick, you'd like to have a doctor like her to guarantee your baby's rights. Wouldn't you?"

"I…"

"Or would you prefer to meet someone who manages cases according to his personal judgment… who gives opinions not medically and scientifically oriented and manipulates reality? You'd prefer this?"

"No… of course not"

"That's what I thought, Grey. As you know… we're Gods in this hospital. We think we can bind rules and make them on our own… but the world doesn't stop within these walls. There are other hospitals… and everyone has its own Gods. We'd be nothing outside of here. And I wish I'll meet Arizona Robbins if I ever need something"

Bailey's pager beeped and she looked at it. She sighed and walked away, leaving Meredith in her thoughts. Grey startled when she heard Robbins' sweet voice echoing in her ears.

"Where did Bailey go?"

"Oh… I don't know. She got paged"

"I thought I heard her saying she needed something from me…"

"No… she didn't. We were just… talking"

Meredith gave her a smile and Arizona smiled back.

"Thank you, Grey. Amanda told me you are the nicest doctor she has ever met here so… thank you"

"It was a pleasure"

"I'm gonna say hi now… excuse me"

* * *

Owen and Cristina were walking towards the elevator hand in hand, already in their street clothes.

"I'll miss you tonight"

"Me too"

Owen leant forward to kiss her lips but parted when he realized someone was standing behind Cristina. He cleared his throat noticing an embarrassed Webber.

"Chief…"

"Doctors…"

"How did the surgery go?"

"Derek isn't done yet. I think it's gonna take some more hour. The mother?"

"She's fine. I stopped by before leaving and Sloan was with her. He's trying to keep her calm till he gets news. Do we have to be optimist?"

"I don't know. The child doesn't run mortal danger anymore but… I don't know if Derek will be able to save his mobility"

Hunt sighed, it had been a pretty tough case. Cristina squeezed his hand and he collected himself.

"Have you met the woman who was waiting for you?"

"Woman?"

"Yes… I don't know who she is. I've never seen her before around. She was looking for you for some kind of enquiry she had to do… she spent some time in the gallery and then left…. Better… I think she left as I didn't meet her anymore"

"As I've been busy doing my job"

The mysterious lady appeared behind Richard and they all looked to her. She smiled to the group and stretched her hand towards the Chief.

"Amelia Fane, FDA"

Webber swallowed and shook her hand, Cristina's eyes narrowed and she looked to Owen. He squeezed her hand and she silenced, staring at the wall in front of him.

"I didn't know you were coming today"

"It wasn't planned indeed. But tomorrow I had other appointments scheduled and I wanted to take a look to the papers and documents you prepared me"

"Did you find them?"

"Yes… your secretary… Patricia, right? She was very efficient and helpful. I took everything I need and also got the chance to take a look around. I hope you don't mind"

"Not at all"

"I've seen you were pretty busy actually. A stream surgery. How did it go? It looked a pretty bad one"

"It was and it's not over yet. Dr. Sheperd is still in the OR"

"Oh… anyway… I hope you won't be disappointed if I did everything without you. The meeting is Friday and I want to have the time to study things carefully"

"Of course… why don't we go to my office? We can talk if you need anything else"

"It's not necessary, thank you. I just need time to read papers on myself. I'll let you know if there's something which needs to be cleared" the elevator arrived on the floor and she stepped in, smiling to everyone. "Good night… I'll see you in a couple of days" the doors closed and she disappeared, leaving everyone thoughtful. Owen arched his brows.

"We didn't know she was the FDA inspector"

"I didn't know her either…" muttered Richard. Cristina's mind awoke suddenly and she pointed out something nobody was considering.

"She went to see Sheperd operating?"

"Yes"

"And nobody was making comments on the trial thing, right?"

Owen shook his head lightly, not understanding her concern. But then he remembered Mark's outburst and the conversation they had made during their stay in the gallery.

"Mark was pretty upset and… he did say something"

Cristina raked a hand in her hair in disbelief.

"He can't just keep his big mouth shut…"

"I don't think some stupid gossip is going to change anything, dr. Yang… Anyway… have you seen dr. Grey?"

"Her shift ended an hour ago, sir. I'm going to her place if you want me to deliver her a message"

"No… it's… it's not necessary. Good night"

Webber walked away leaving the couple standing in front of the elevator. Cristina looked to Owen and swallowed before pressing the button. He took her wrist and pulled her towards him.

"Hey… are you ok?"

"Yeah"

"Cristina…"

"I'm fine, Owen… It's just…" she breathed in trying to collect herself.

"What?"

"I don't know if Meredith and Derek will survive this if the FDA goes harsh. They're not even talking to each other and… I really don't know what to tell her"

"You just have to try to be her friend and keep her up"

"Like it's easy. We can't even get drunk"

"That's for sure"

* * *

_Being separated from people we love it's the worst feeling in the world._

_Not knowing where they are… not knowing if they're fine._

* * *

Mark closed the door of the patient's room and sat on a chair in the corridor. He leant his head against the wall closing his eyes.

"Hey…"

He didn't know how and when, but Lexie was sitting beside him.

"Hey… you're still here?"

"Yeah… my post op took longer than expected and then I volunteered to make charts. I knew you were still here" Mark smiled to her and Lexie took his hand "you're ready to go?"

"I don't think I'm coming home tonight, Lex. Samantha's son is still in and I promised her I would stay here to update her"

"I can stay too if you want"

"No… just go home and rest. I'll be fine"

"You sure?"

"Yeah" he leant into her space to kiss her and this time she didn't reject him.

"I'm sorry for this morning. I was mean to you and you didn't do anything"

"It's fine. You're worried for your sister and I had to be more sensitive. Just go now… I'll be home in some hour"

"Ok"

* * *

_Sometimes people are so noisy and petulant that we underestimate the effect of solitude._

_Which is pretty upsetting._

_We're so used to go home and share opinions and emotions that we give it for granted._

_And then it's over._

* * *

Derek and Bailey were scrubbing out, washing their hands. Sheperd flinched and Miranda looked to him.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah… I just cut my hand with that glass"

"You operated with a broken glove?"

"Of course not. It's just my hand and I'll take care of it, don't worry"

"I do not… I didn't think you could make it with this one"

"I wasn't that sure myself but it worked"

"You make it sound like you were lucky"

"I was. You always need a good part of chance to win these procedures"

"Maybe… but you can be as lucky as you want but if you don't have brain and hands… things don't fix by themselves"

Derek dried his hands and took off his cap, he adjusted his hair as best as he could. Miranda looked at him curiously.

"Did you even lose your arrogance now?"

"I'm too tired for it right now. And I still have to go to his mother and check on him so… I have a long way ahead"

"Does Grey know you'll be so late?"

"She's home with Cristina so… she'll be fine. Thank you for the cooperation Bailey… I'll see you around"

He pushed the door open and left picking up his labcoat. He wore it marching down the hallway, adjusting the collar and fixing his scrub top. He entered in the department, silent and quiet due to the late hour and spotted Mark sitting on a chair. He patted his shoulder to wake him, taking a furtive glance into the woman's room.

"What?"

"It's me. The surgery is over. Do I have to go and wake her?"

Mark opened his eyes and stretched on the chair.

"What time is it?"

"Almost three"

"She fell asleep a couple of hours ago. I wouldn't wake her for now…"

"Ok… I'm going downstairs to see Sean now. Page me if she wakes up"

"What if it's really late?"

"I'm gonna stay all night… Just page"

He walked away before Mark had the chance to pop the question Derek had seen on his tongue. He was tired to give explanations why he wasn't going home, he was tired of people who thought he was an ass for leaving his pregnant wife home by herself. She wasn't by herself, he had made sure of that. And even if Cristina had told him her presence wasn't enough, it was the best idea he had had and the best way he could deal with the problem right now. He entered Sean's room and the nurse gave him the chart immediately. They had just finished to settle him in the room. The monitors were beeping quietly and the baby's chest was rising and falling calmly, like he was sleeping. Derek approached the bed and shone the penlight in his eyes, the reaction was better this time and he smiled thinking Sean was going to wake up soon. He took a look to the bandage and nodded noticing everything was fine.

He opened the child's palm and scratched it with his pinkie, the fingers curled this time and Sheperd breathed out in relief. He made the same text on the other hand and then pricked the left foot. The toes flexed and Derek put the sheet down. He set the chart at the bottom of the bed and gestured a nurse to come in.

"Yes Dr. Sheperd?"

"I'd like one of you to stay here with him. He's gonna wake up soon and he'll be scared seeing an unknown place and all the stuff hanging around"

"Ok. I'll sit here"

"Thank you. And page me as soon as he opens his eyes"

"Of course, dr. Sheperd"

* * *

_We suddenly realize we're alone. _

* * *

Meredith rolled in the bed, she stretched her hand and opened her eyes sensing the coldness of the free mattress.

* * *

_Known and friendly places become strangers and enemies._

* * *

Derek was lying in an on call room, his hand on his eyes. Despite the tiredness he couldn't fall asleep. He stood up snorting, leaving the room.

* * *

_And we can't stand the sense of loneliness flowing our veins, icing our blood._

Sheperd arrived in front of Zola's room and saw she was awake, crying. A nurse was trying to calm her but without success. He opened the door frowning.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know, she woke up crying and I can't make her stop"

Derek approached the couple and his heart squeezed when Zola stretched her tiny arms towards him. The nurse looked to him quizzically and he nodded, taking the baby from her arms. He pressed Zola's head in the crock of his neck and rocked her, the baby relaxing almost immediately.

* * *

_So we look for company._

* * *

Meredith touched her belly, a small smile stretched on her lips.

* * *

_Because it's difficult to accept to be lonely if you can choose differently._

* * *

Ok... next chapter I'll deal with consequences...

Wait for your suggestions!


	47. IT'S HARD TO STOP BELIEVING

Here I am...

Another chapter... another step.

See you in the end for my comments.

* * *

_There are several grades of failure and each of them unleashes different and powerful feelings._

_Nobody accepts easily to declare default…_

_People just try to hide … disguise… minimize it._

_We try to keep up appearances, to save what we hope can still be saved._

_But that's because we don't understand the real meaning of failure… we don't get its proportions… we don't get its limits and extent. _

_We try to set boundaries to something which has none. _

_We look for reasons outside… and we don't realize that we're the reason, flesh and blood_

* * *

The judgment day had finally arrived and Meredith, paradoxically, felt relieved.

In a few hours they would know everything and speculations would die.

The only topic of the previous days in SGMWH had concerned her and her husband: what will FDA do? What will the Board decide?

She knew she had to be worried and she was, but she couldn't help to see the upcoming meeting as a relief.

Innocent or guilty, employed or out of work, married or divorced.

There were a lot of things on the plate today, so many that her head felt light and spinning at the mere thought.

The previous day she had seen her husband twice from a security distance.

After his long and complicated surgery, two evenings before, he hadn't come back home. He had spent the whole night at his patient's bedside, he had visited and updated the mother.

Once at the hospital, Meredith had spotted him once in Zola's room and the second while he was entering the attending lounge. He hadn't looked for her, he hadn't communicated with her in any way.

Now he was in the house, upstairs to take a shower and get ready.

He had returned home in the late evening, taken his place on the couch and slept completely dressed.

And Meredith had decided she needed to do something.

She had kicked Cristina out in the morning and was now waiting for the unavoidable meeting, she had made sure it was such. She had materially taken Derek's car keys out of his coat. If he wanted to go to work, he had to enter the damned kitchen and take them from the counter and there she was, determined and ready.

She had even prepared coffee and some cracker on the plate but this was daring too much.

The chances Derek could go from ignoring her completely to having breakfast with her were slim… very slim. Almost unreal. And this wasn't even her purpose. Talking now would be useless as Meredith knew that the meeting they were going to face could shift the borders of the problem too meaningfully. Arguing now would be premature and counter-productive, they needed quiet, they needed to be focused on the FDA, they needed to be lucid and a bloody fight at home wouldn't of course serve this purpose.

She sighed hearing footsteps coming down of the stairs and took a furtive glance to the corridor. Derek was there, putting on his wristwatch. His hair was still humid from the shower but he looked handsome. And awfully hollow. In other circumstances she would go to him, hug him, kiss him, she would try to better his mood and finally be rewarded by his beautiful smile. But this morning things couldn't go this way and she was probably the reason of his wrinkles. With a skipped heartbeat she realized he had worn his coat and taken his briefcase, ready to leave without even showing up. Right before the door he stuck his hands in the pockets and realized his keys weren't there. He patted his jeans and sighed putting the briefcase down. Meredith heard him searching the living room and the den and she prepared for his imminent arrival. She got ground into a corner, leaving him room to enter.

This was ridiculous and tragic at the same time. They were husband and wife and she had to use these stupid tricks to spend two minutes with him.

His back appeared in the room and he marched quickly to the counter, snorting seeing his keys. He lingered there a moment realizing she wasn't in the room. His wife had left a cup of coffee for him and he took advantage, the bitter liquid awaking him completely. He cleared his throat putting the mug down and Meredith got it was the moment.

She hadn't done this stupid thing to talk to him, she hadn't done this to engage in a fight, she hadn't done this to find a contact. She had done this for him and their baby.

Mc Peanut had sensed the lack of daddy's hands in the last days, the baby had been strangely quiet but now was feeling the presence, kicking and rolling in her belly.

She walked slowly and silently towards Derek and stopped when her belly touched his back. He tensed and straightened up immediately, recognizing the source of the contact.

Meredith could see his breathing pace had changed and he was fighting an inner battle. He couldn't find the nerve to look at her, not yet, the hurt was still too much and too alive, but there was his baby too and it had been too much since he had last experienced this feeling.

Meredith knew what this forced separation had meant to him. Apart from her, Derek was madly in love with the creature living inside of her.

He had flowed Mc Peanut with love and attention from the very beginning, even where he was still forced into a hospital bed. The tenderness had grown constantly and exponentially all over the months; he told stories to the baby, his hands rested on her belly during the sleep and maybe she was naïve and corny but she had the feeling the baby answered to those attentions. And now had realized their absence. She had tried to make up, compensate but she wasn't that good, she wasn't that lovely and natural. Derek was the fairy, dream parent, not her. She was working hard not to be crappy and, apparently, she had already failed.

This moment was dad to baby and she was ready to disappear from earth if this meant to make it happen.

"I know you're mad at me. But this is not about me. Do you feel it?" she felt the baby kicking and she was sure Derek was feeling it too. "I'm gonna close my eyes and you're gonna turn around and enjoy it like you used to. Forget about me"

She sighed and closed her eyes, uncertain if Derek would accept the invitation or if he would just walk away. After some second, when she started to fear Derek would finally disappear out of thin air, she sensed his hands on her belly.

At first the touch was shy, like he felt an intruder. Meredith knew this had to feel strange and forced. But she also knew it would feel great.

Derek had leant both his palms on her and was mapping her bump to follow Mc Peanut's movements. In her head she could picture his expression: his lips always stretched in a wide smile while he did this, his eyes shone with a special, bright light; his hands were delicate and warm and she had to fight the instinct to grab them, she needed a contact, she needed to touch him.

She forced herself not to and sighed when his hands patted her belly and then stopped, she heard him sighing too.

"Thank you" His voice was a whisper, shaky and unsteady.

Meredith felt the pressure attenuate and got he was preparing to leave. She raised her hand and put it over his, she felt a little indecision but didn't give up. Her voice sounded as weak as his.

"You can do this whenever you want… Don't stay away from the baby for me, Derek. Don't do this to yourself and don't do this to him or her"

Derek felt ice filling his veins. Meredith had voiced his guilt and tight knots strangled his throat. She was right, he had neglected his baby but he hadn't felt the boldness to go to her just to live moments like this. Meredith wasn't an incubator, he couldn't use her like that.

He wiggled his hand out of hers and walked out.

Meredith didn't open her eyes, she just heard the keys tickling in his fingers and his scent fading away.

The door closed behind his back and she messaged her bump tenderly.

* * *

Webber was sitting at his desk, papers spread all over the top.

Someone knocked and the door opened, Bailey appearing on the doorframe.

"Morning Chief… I got your page"

"Yes, come in, please"

Miranda closed the door and sat in front of Richard, waiting for the explanation of this early meeting. It had to be something delicate as she could sense his nervousness and awkwardness. Webber took his glasses down and looked at her sighing.

"Chief?"

"I want you to take the lead of my trial"

Surprise painted all over her face and she nearly gulped.

"Excuse me?"

"You got it Bailey. I want you to take over the diabetes trial"

"But it's yours"

"And I want to give it to you. You should be flattered by this"

"And I am maybe. But I want to know why"

"Bailey…"

"Chief…"

Her voice sounded much more confident and resolute than Richard's and he got she wouldn't let him back off so simply. She was piercing him with her deep, brown eyes and this meant she wasn't going to take lame explanations. He needed to be true.

"If the FDA is going to blackmail me, I want this trial to be safe. I want it to continue. It's a good plan, it's a great project and I don't want to lose it"

"So do you think that giving it to me the FDA will authorize it?"

"They will. In the papers I registered there was not the responsible name. I was the one appointed to ask permissions for what they know. I had to give them the reference in these days"

Bailey backed against the chair, suddenly uncomfortable.

This would be of course a great chance for her and her career, Richard hadn't exaggerated. The project was potentially medicine changing. But it was the reason which upset her. She hadn't asked anything about the upcoming meeting with the FDA. She knew Webber had tried to repair and minimize the damages but the fact he was doing this now meant he had failed, it meant there were good chances the FDA closed SGMWH as trial center, there were good chances Sheperd's and the Chief's reputation would be dead and destroyed after this. And, God forgave her, if Derek had done nothing to deserve it, Webber had made something to let it happen and now she was having the feeling he wanted to save his lifeboat and let the ship sink.

"With all due respect, sir, what do you think will happen today?"

It was Richard's turn to back in his chair, Bailey's question had taken him unprepared.

"What does this have to do with my proposal?"

"You are offering it to me as you think you'll be blackmailed…"

"There's a chance…"

"What if you won't be? Will you want it back?"

"No. I'm giving it to you and I've thought about it. I don't have time for a trial, Bailey"

"You had when you organized it"

"My wife didn't have advanced Alzheimer when I drew this plan" Richard sucked in a breath, his voice had been harsh and he hadn't meant it "Look Bailey… I didn't give up on it easily, I was really into this project and I'm happy if you could go on with it. If you can't… I'll find someone else"

"I'd like to see the papers before"

Richard had expected this request and had prepared a folder on his desk. He took it and handled it to Bailey. She kept looking at him and he got there was something else.

"Is there something else?"

"What do you think will happen to Sheperd's trial?"

Richard breathed out, he wanted to have this answer but, for now, hypothesis were the only thing his mind had produced. And, to tell the truth, none of them was good.

"I don't know, Bailey. The violation was serious. I think the FDA will shut it down… or divert it to some other hospital. I'm not too optimist about it"

"And you didn't do much to save it like you did with yours"

"There was not much I could do, Miranda. The situation is complicated"

"I know most of it so you could try to explain the rest"

"I don't have to explain you anything. I asked you to take over my trial and you can do it or not. All the rest doesn't concern you for now".

This time Bailey had really touched a nerve and incurred in Webber's strong reaction.

He was tired to try to explain this, he was tired and out of ideas. He knew this mess was his fault but, for the first time in years, Richard didn't know how to come out of it. Better, there was a way but it would mean to scarify Meredith and he couldn't. The truth would save Derek, his reputation and maybe his trial, but it would crucify Grey and jeopardize her career. It was a price he was not ready to pay and this realization doubled his discomfort as he was aware he was instead available to stay there and watch Sheperd's name crumble down. He felt a coward and he didn't know what to do. A part of him, the most simple, hoped the FDA would accept his report without investigating forward, he hoped they would consider this a misunderstanding and not a malice on Derek's record. Otherwise… he had a B project ready, only it was premature to consider it as it needed to be refined and discussed at higher levels. And blurting it out to Bailey wasn't surely the best idea, even if she was pissed and royally offended.

She stood sending him a strict look, the folder close to her chest.

"Always the Chief…"

She walked away and Richard looked out of the window. It was only 9.00 am and he already needed another black coffee.

* * *

Alex was sitting on the chairs at the lobby.

His briefcase was abandoned besides him and he was still wearing his jacket.

His eyes were fixed in front of him and he was playing a speech in his mind for the tenth time.

Since the moment he had remembered the big betrayal, his life had turned into a high hurdles. Meredith had cut him out of her life and she would need time before they could talk, his fellow residents looked at him with disappointment. Hunt was right, he had destroyed one of the few people everybody loved unconditionally in there. And now he was waiting for the second.

Giving Meredith away hadn't ruined just her. Like he had tried to explain her, it had affected also Derek, his career, his reputation. The trial was going to close and he felt responsible on many levels. But most of all he couldn't stand to have ruined two people he felt related to, his Seattle family.

Derek had been reluctant to his presence at home and Alex had to recognize he wasn't really a fairy roommate. He always brought strangers home, he wasn't that ordinate and private, he always skipped his round to make grocery and laundry. But finally Meredith and Derek had accepted him, made him feel home and welcomed. Sheperd was an easy guy, he was funny at home, casual; even if he had gained a position and a lot of money he was simple and pragmatic. The last of Alex's intentions had been upsetting their lives and, even if it was difficult and probably too late, he wanted to clear things out with him.

He knew today the FDA and the Board would communicate their decision but this matter for him was first of all personal and he meant to put this weight out of his stomach as soon as possible.

The sliding door hissed and he looked up, it wasn't Sheperd but Cristina and Hunt. She gave him a curious look and stopped in front of him.

"What are you doing here, Evil Spawn?"

"Waiting"

"For what?"

"I have to do something"

Cristina didn't budge or say anything and Alex looked up to her. He snorted sensing her curiosity.

"Have you nothing to do, Yang? No hot cases to take over?"

Cristina's face contorted in a grimace and Hunt looked to Karev too. He looked agitated and over nervous. Alex realized he had been rude and raked a hand in his hair sighing.

"I'm sorry. I just need to do something and it will be sort of suicidal so… I didn't mean to snap at you"

The door hissed again and they all saw Derek entering the hospital. He gave them all a quick nod and headed to the elevator. Alex stood and took his stuff and Cristina realized what was the important thing he wanted to do.

"It's not a good idea"

"It won't be good but I need to do it"

He walked away and they saw him entering the elevator just before the doors closed.

Derek was surprised to see Alex enter the elevator out of breath and, above all, he sensed it wasn't casual. Karev had been sitting at the entrance when he arrived, so Derek had assumed he was waiting for someone and, seeing he had followed him, he had to be that someone. Their eyes met but none of them said anything. The elevator moved up and Derek sank his free hand in the pocket.

All Alex's swagger had stayed downstairs. Now he had the chance to talk, he had forgotten all his perfect speech and couldn't even find the courage to look atDerek. But he was on the field now and he needed to fight. He cleared his throat and looked up.

"Sheperd… we need to talk"

"About what?"

"You know about what… I'm sorry for what happened with Meredith. And above all I'm sorry as I didn't mean to cause any of this"

"Right…"

"You need to believe me. I didn't talk on purpose, I didn't make it as I wanted Chief resident. I was drunk and blurted it out. I care about Meredith… you know that. And even if you all think I'm an ass, I wouldn't do that to her"

"I know"

Alex was almost taken aback by Derek's statement. Sheperd raised his eyes and looked to him for a brief moment, it was enough for Karev to see he meant what he had just said.

"You can yell at me if you want… call me names and even punch me"

"Why would I do that?"

"As you're mad at me and you have every right to be. I know you didn't want me in your OR two days ago, you could kick me off the case. You are my boss and you could do that"

"Is your job your concern? Is it why are you talking to me?"

Alex saw anger flash in the neuro surgeon's eyes and hunched in his shoulders. Sheperd had the power to let anyone feel like dirt and, right now, he was perfectly achieving his purpose.

"No… I'm not scared for my job. But you're part of it and we should clear it out"

"There's nothing I feel to tell you. Professionally… there's nothing you did wrong"

Derek's blue eyes met Alex's and Karev felt out of words. He didn't understand, he was confused. Sheperd had almost verbally assaulted him thirty seconds ago and now was saying he didn't hold grudge towards him, not on work at least. Only he had sensed differently last time he had been on his service. Alex shook his head and Derek got he needed to explain himself better than that. He pressed the emergency button and the elevator stopped.

"You did what you had to do. You discovered a violation and reported it. Maybe the way wasn't orthodox, maybe the timing was bad. But the essence was flawless. As your boss, I wouldn't have done anything differently"

"But?"

Alex saw Sheperd contemplating his chances. He knew there was something wrong, something he resented him from. But for some reason he was keeping it inside. Maybe he didn't think this was the right place to discuss it, maybe he didn't think it was the right moment, but Karev had cornered him and wanted an answer.

Derek cleared his throat and then looked to him in the eye. The superiority that he usually emanated like an aura was gone. In there they were roommate to roommate.

"But as a friend I have to fight the urge to kick your ass. How could you do that to her?"

"It wasn't intentional"

"Don't give me that crap, Karev. You don't spit things casually. Maybe you didn't want to betray her, but the matter was in your top list if you spilled it out so easily. Like friend, you failed. To her and even to me" Derek raked a hand through his hair sighing, Alex had never seen him so beaten up except after Jen's death, when he had spent days drank and smelly on the couch in some kind of emotional coma. But his remark had touched Alex's heart as, deep down, Karev knew he was right.

"For how long did you know it?"

"Two or three weeks. I saw her exiting the restricted area with an envelope under her coat"

Derek looked up to him shaking his head in disbelief.

"So all the strange looks you shared in the kitchen while we talked about my trial were for this?"

Alex didn't find the strength to look at him in the eye.

"Yes… I didn't think you had noticed…"

"I have, I'm not stupid. I just thought you were still arguing about the fact I had chosen you at first. I still can't believe you didn't try to make her change her mind"

"I tried. As soon as I realized what she had done, I tried to have her reason. I tried to explain her the consequences for her, for you, for the whole hospital. But she wouldn't listen. I tried… you have to believe me"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Derek's blue eyes pierced him and Alex shook his head, he hadn't really thought of informing Derek as roommate of this mess.

"I… I thought trying to solve things with her would be better than involving you"

"Why?"

"I don't…"

"The moment you realized Meredith was refusing the truth you had to talk to me" Derek left the corner of the elevator and approached him "When I needed help, I relied on you. Do you remember?"

"Yes"

"But you couldn't return me the favor"

"I'm sorry"

"I don't need you to be sorry. I need you all to grow up, to take your responsibilities, to act like adults and not kids. You live your life like you're still in college… but you're not. You're men and women and life won't wait for you forever. I can believe when you say you didn't do it for opportunism… I believe when you say that you care for Meredith. But this doesn't change the fact that you did a big mistake and… right now… I'm too disappointed and tired to face all this mess…"

Sheperd sighed and pushed the button, the elevator started to move again. He stayed there, curved under an invisible weight. Now Alex knew he didn't resent him, he was mad but it was pretty normal. The problem had grown exponentially though. Today he could lose his job and his name could be covered in mud, but this wasn't the threat Alex feared more.

The problem was personal: Karev couldn't live knowing he had fired up the fuse of the bomb which could bust Derek's and Meredith's marriage.

"I can't live with messing up your marriage"

"It's not on you"

"No… it is on me. You're gonna have a baby and Karen thought you…" the cold glare Derek sent him killed the rest of the sentence. The guy Alex had in front of him was another person, broken and resigned. Alex didn't remember to have seen Sheperd in such a state before, neither after Clark's affaire. He hoped apologizing would help Derek breaking through, would have him react, but it hadn't happened.

"My life in none of your business, Karev. There was a moment I thought we could find some contact, I helped you when I thought you needed it and I don't regret I did. You helped me too and I'm grateful but… stop right there. What's going on between my wife and me doesn't concern you. It doesn't concern anyone but the two of us. And I'm sick of people who want to urge me into fixing things"

He stormed out of the elevator ignoring the crowd of people standing there. Alex had been too involved into the conversation to realize their journey was over and the doors had opened. Embarrassed, he sent a furtive glance around spotting Cristina looking openly at him.

He tried to ignore everyone and marched towards the locker room, slamming the door behind his back. But the closure never happened as Cristina stopped the door. Alex sighed seeing her, he threw his bag on the bench.

"If you came here to tell me "I told you" just save it"

Cristina opened her locker without saying anything. She started to change into her scrubs and Alex was doing the same. Only she proved to be much quicker, she took her stethoscope and set in around her neck. She walked to the exit and stopped right before going out.

"I didn't come here to tell you "I told you" but I did tell you. I know you wanted to explain yourself but maybe you should give them more time"

"We're out of time. And now I really feel like an ass"

* * *

Owen spotted Mark leaning against the nurses station. The plastic surgeon was sending furtive looks inside the conference room, pretending to be filling a chart. Hunt approached him, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Morning"

"She's already inside"

Sloan's voice sounded monotone and Owen's brows arched quizzically. He tried to see who Mark was referring to but the blinds were already down and prevented him to see anything.

"She?"

"The FDA inspector… the one who misled us in the gallery"

"Oh… is Webber inside too?"

"No… not yet. She's in there by herself. Studying her useless and nasty notes"

"We don't know if they're nasty, Sloan" Owen took a deep breath. Despite his words, he was worried too. Cristina had spent the previous evening painting catastrophic pictures. Sheperd's face hadn't been a poster of optimism in the morning and it hadn't improved after the encounter with Karev in the elevator. The guy had guts, he deserved that at least. Facing Derek in a confined space required a certain amount of bravery and recklessness, or probably Alex didn't think he had anything to lose anymore.

Owen had thought to join Sheperd in the attending lounge but then he had given up the idea.

Maybe he needed quiet, he needed to breathe and think without a bunch of people breathing down his neck. That was the meaning of the sickness he had disclosed before.

Hunt knew for sure Cristina had made an attempt on Meredith's behalf, Grey herself could have tried something by now. Leaving his colleague room was probably the best way to let him process stuff. Up to the upcoming meeting. Then… he would probably need help and a lot of support and Owen was ready to act like Derek's bodyguard.

He looked down to his clock, it was 9.52 and that meant the meeting was going to start in eight minutes. And, to confirm the closeness of the scheduled time, Webber and Jennings appeared down the hallway. Both Hunt and Sloan straightened up, busying themselves in improvised activities. Webber noticed them and their clumsy attempt to pretend they were working but didn't say anything, he just entered the room and disappeared behind the blinds.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?"

Bailey's voice roared behind their backs and Mark and Owen nearly jumped up, surprised. Mark closed his eyes raking a hand in his hair.

"Bailey… you scared me"

"Don't you have patients to care?"

"No, I haven't"

"And you're going to stay here overhearing?"

"No, I'm gonna stay here waiting for Derek in case he needs me"

Owen saw Meredith approaching with Jackson and Cristina by her side.

Yang patted her shoulder and Meredith knocked to the closed door.

"And they're gonna wait here too"

Miranda acknowledged Yang and Avery's presence. Cristina read her mind and beat her to the draw.

"And it's not negotiable"

* * *

Meredith entered the room. The Chief and Jennings were sitting at the table, at the opposite side there was a woman she didn't know. There were two chairs at the head of the desk, she supposed they were for her and Derek, the two charged.

She cleared her throat and the woman looked up.

"I guess you're Doctor Grey"

"Yes…"

That was all, the woman didn't like her, that was for sure. Webber came in help to break the pregnant silence.

"Take a sit, dr. Grey. We're waiting for Dr. Sheperd. I guess he'll be here soon"

Meredith sat trying to find a comfortable position. She started to fidget with her clock to busy her time and hands. Someone knocked and opened the door, she looked up and saw Derek entering the room.

"Good morning"

Differently from what she had done, he stretched his hand towards the woman.

"Derek Sheperd"

"Amelia Fane… Sit, please. I guess we're ready to start"

Derek rounded the table and sat at the only available spot, near Meredith. He didn't give her any look, smile, sign, anything. He just sat and looked straight to the inspector who immediately started to talk, a lot of papers in front of her.

"So… I guess we all know why we're here. The FDA approved dr. Sheperd's trial and, some day ago, dr. Sheperd himself reported a grave violation to the protocol. The Committee sent me here to get what happened and, to my misfortune, I have to say I didn't find a lot of cooperation from your side"

"I wrote you a detailed report, mrs. Fane" Richard tried to argue. The woman sent him a piercing look.

"Oh yes… it was so detailed there was no indication of names and dates. You've just admitted the violation without explaining anything"

"Would the names make any difference?"

Amelia looked to Derek, who had just spoken. She swallowed trying to find words.

"No, they wouldn't. Just to make clear, this case needs to be faced on two levels and it looks like you messed up even here. The first level, the one I'm concerned with, involves the Agency, the hospital and Dr. Sheperd, the person we relied on for this trial. The second level, which I'm not interested in, involves the internal consequences of this mess. I guess Dr. Grey is here for this reason as, otherwise, I don't see any reason why she should be here"

Meredith opened her mouth to speak, not getting the meaning of Fane's words.

"I don't…"

Amelia cut her off.

"So, now we have made clear the regulations, let's go deep in the problem. As I told before, I had a really hard time in getting what happened here. Dr. Sheperd had written a very strict and severe protocol and, seriously, I can't get how this was possible. Were all the measures respected and set up?"

"Yes, we started the trial only when everything was ready and functioning according to the protocol I signed and sent to you"

"According to it, just a nurse had to know the security codes…"

"That's correct"

"But you changed this aspect without informing us…"

"I didn't. Things had to work like that"

"But they didn't. Why?"

Meredith saw Derek shifting his weight on the chair, squirming under the woman's persistence. He breathed out covering his mouth with his fist and Richard tried to come to help.

"Mrs. Fane…"

"Don't say it. You want to remark that everything I need to know is written on paper in your report. Just to be clear… is there anything you want to add, dr. Sheperd?"

"No"

"I give you another two minutes to think about it. Otherwise this meeting can be considered over and I can communicate you the official decisions of the Agency"

A thick silence filled the room, Meredith could see Derek staring at his lap, quiet and mute. The Chief from his side shared a quick look to Jennings and then sighed. He had the strong feeling this wasn't going to end good. Mrs. Fane was patting her fingertips on the table, waiting for something. When nothing happened, she cleared her throat.

"Good… I guess we can go… Dr. Grey… you're free to go"

Meredith's eyes jumped up, she took a look around searching for explanations but Derek was rubbing his eyes ignoring her.

"Dr. Grey…"

"I don't understand…"

"What is it that you don't understand?"

"There won't be any consequence for me?"

"Who are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"From what I read here, you're a first year resident. You aren't a surgeon. FDA deals with real surgeons and you're not. So no, for what concerns me, you're free to go. Your Chief will decide if there will be consequences for you. If you ask me my opinion, there should be as I have the strong feeling the picture you drew me is utterly and completely incomplete. But that's my opinion"

"It's not right. I messed…"

"Dr. Grey…" Derek's voice boomed in her ear and Meredith silenced immediately. She looked at him but it wasn't mutual. "Mrs. Fane told this has nothing to do with you anymore. You can go"

Meredith shook her head in disbelief and, when Webber didn't show any sign of disagreement, she stood and left. As soon as she closed the door behind her back Cristina ran to her side.

"So?"

Meredith looked catatonic, she was walking without saying anything.

"Meredith…"

"She kicked me out"

"Out of the program?"

Hunt and Bailey shared a worried look, Grey explained them everything leaning against the nurses station.

"Out of the room. The FDA doesn't want anything from me"

"So you're safe?"

"For what concerns them… I am"

"And what about Derek?"

"I don't know"

* * *

"So… I guess we can continue… dr. Sheperd?"

"It's ok"

Richard thought he didn't look ok at all, Derek looked like a man on the scaffold, he looked haunted and tortured and Mrs. Fane hadn't even talked yet. But he was faking calm and lucidity waiting for the judgment.

"I have to say I regret what I'm going to do" mrs. Fane closed her folders and looked straight to Sheperd, who reciprocated her stare "it doesn't happen to me a lot of times to be sorry for a decision. This time I am… The moment we reached your request of approval, our expectations went immediately to the top. Your report was exhaustive… rich of good medical stuff… great potentialities. We thought you could do great things with Alzheimer, dr. Sheperd. You had all the means, technical and personal, to engage in this fight. Then you won Harper Avery and the expectations grew even more… You can't imagine how hard it was to read about this… how disappointing. A lot of people pressed and are pressing to erase your name from the boards… to ask your license… they say you pulled this stunt as you felt untouchable and over rules. I don't think that. On the contrary… I came here two days ago and saw you practicing one of the most incredible and difficult surgeries I've seen in my entire life. You stayed in the OR almost twenty hours, fought and won an impossible battle and I can't believe you're the same guy who destroyed this with his own hands. So… I got to believe you're not the same guy and that's the reason why I'm really sorry of doing what I'm going to do"

"Don't do anything if you feel bad about it"

Richard's words sounded in the room and Amelia looked at him strictly.

"I'm sorry dr. Webber. This inquiry needs a guilty part. And I share your worry and disappointment as I have the clear feeling I'm charging and punishing the wrong person. But you left me no choice. The FDA decided, effective immediately, that this trial is irrevocably suspended here in SGH. Recognizing the medical effectiveness and the scientific premises supporting it, we'll give Dr. Sheperd the chance to pass it to someone else, at two conditions: the new facility taking over needs to be at least 300 miles from here and dr. Sheperd will never interfere, ask information or take part to any activity related to the trial ever again"

"What will be of my patients?"

"I think it's a little bit late to care about their destiny… but the experimentation for them is over. The new doctor will admit new patients. But like I said, any of this will be none of your business anymore. For what concerns you, you're blackmailed for five years starting from now. No trials, neither as leading doctor nor as assistant. Your position will be reevaluated at the end of this period, which is no reducible. There will be a permanent note on your record and we'll pass it to the national register too" She looked for any sign of reaction on Derek's face but she didn't find any. Amelia addressed to Richard "Thanks to your cover-up, we weren't able to establish if and how the hospital was responsible for this so, for now, that's all. Don't you be happy about this though… a big waste occurred here today" she looked meaningfully to Derek and stood, collecting all her stuff.

"You know where to find me if you remember something meaningful"

She left the room and marched towards the elevator, walking in front of Meredith and all the others waiting.

Grey watched her disappearing in the elevator and then looked to the room where, apparently, the meeting wasn't over yet.

Derek was stroking his eyes tiredly.

The FDA resolution was flawless and exemplary, yet it was a punch in the stomach.

He had built his future professional life on the trial and now it was officially, relentlessly over. Derek had never fooled himself the FDA would go light, but, as the said goes, hope was the last to die. Now even hope was dead. He was blackmailed, interdicted to trials, research, the core itself of medicine. The realization had knocked all the air out of his lungs and he was sitting there, numb and in shock.

There was nothing wrong in this decision. He was the head of the department, head of the trial, it was his mistake if he had relied on the wrong person.

Credit and blame were two sides of the same coin and this time he was up for the bad endorsement.

Derek heard someone clear his throat, Richard he supposed.

He didn't want to listen to apologies or useless words, but the Chief felt differently.

"Derek… we're gonna appeal against this… We need to wait for the water to settle… let the rumors fade and then we're gonna appeal…"

"Why?"

Sheperd's question took Richard out of guard. Webber recoiled against the chair, stunned and Derek continued, his eyes still hidden behind his hand.

"What's wrong in that decision, Richard? Why should I appeal? As she blackmailed me? She could even do worse than that. I know what you think, but you also know what I think and I don't find anything wrong in what mrs. Fane told me today"

"Right…" Richard clenched his jaw looking around. He felt Derek was right in the end. A big mistake was made and someone had to pay for it. He had been a fool deluding nobody would. "So I guess it's all"

"I don't think so" Derek looked up, his eyes resting on Jennings. The man had been silent all over the meeting but Sheperd suspected his presence wasn't just for the show. "I think mr. Jennings needs to tell me something too".

The board man looked embarrassed and felt out of place. He sensed Webber's stare on his neck but he did have a message to deliver too and, just like as Mrs. Fane, he didn't feel good about it.

"Actually… the Board is a bit… worried about this situation. And irritated…"

"And you think that my promotion to Chief should be reviewed… or you already have so… it's fine"

Jennings noticed with astonishment that Sheperd didn't look bothered by this, he was aware of what he risked unlike Webber, who had suspected nothing.

"You're not disappointed about the perspective?"

"I am. But I'm totally aware that I put discredit on the hospital, scared sponsors away. I had personally looked for an found investors… now I'm gonna call them and tell their money was wasted and dishonored. I perfectly understand if you don't want me to take the lead of the hospital. I would do that too so… you don't need to explain me anything if this was your decision"

"No decision was made yet. But Mrs. Fane was right. We still have to deal with the internal side of this mess. We're gonna meet at noon to discuss and vote and… we're gonna judge on the little things we know"

"I'll see you later then…"

Derek stood and left the room, he pushed the door closed behind his back but it didn't go all the way back. Meredith and all the others saw him walking away, head down, ignoring everybody and a new wave of worry took Grey's heart. She couldn't wait anymore and headed to the space Derek had just left. She nearly bumped into Jennings and then entered the room, finding Webber still sitting and silent. She approached the desk, her hands deep in her pockets until he looked up and noticed her. Yet he didn't talk and she lost her patience.

"What happened?"

Webber looked at her and then diverted her eyes.

"Chief… please"

"The trial is over. We're going to transfer it to another state… erase all that Derek did till now… admit new patients… forget the old ones".

Meredith swallowed. This was already bad but she didn't know about Derek yet.

"What about Derek?"

"It went bad, Meredith"

"How bad?"

"Five years of interdiction from trials and research… and the board wants to reconsider the Chief thing"

Meredith covered her mouth as Richard stood, collecting his stuff.

"We're gonna meet today and see what to do. I'll try to protect you, Meredith… the both of you. But Derek is really upset now, I think it's better we leave him alone"

He left the room silently and Meredith sank on a chair.

She felt like she was suffocating and before, she could realize, she started to iperventilate and cry.

Cristina and Owen appeared on the doorframe and her person's eyes narrowed in shock taking in Meredith's state.

"Oh Mer…" Yang knelt beside her, rubbing her back and trying to sooth her.

Owen's heart squeezed in his chest, he sank his hands in his pockets looking away, guarding the corridor and the door, preventing people to take a look to a woman breaking down.

Apparently the meeting had led to negative consequences and Grey had melted down, despite Cristina's attempt to calm her.

"Meredith… you need to calm down"

Grey tried to speak but the sobs were too violent and no sound came out when she opened her mouth.

"Meredith… come on. Breathe… breathe…"

Cristina drew circled on her back and Meredith seemed to calm down a bit. She took a handkerchief from her coat and blew her nose.

"My marriage is over"

"What?" Cristina sent a shocked look to Owen. "You haven't talked to Derek yet… Did he leave a message for you?"

"No. But his career is set off… that's my fault and he's never going to forgive me"

"Mer… what are you talking about?"

"The trial will move to another hospital, Derek is blackmailed from everything which is not surgery. And the Board is questioning the opportunity he becomes Chief so… I destroyed everything he worked for. How do you think he's going to forgive me?"

"As he loves you"

Owen's voice was so soft and gentle that Meredith looked to him stunned, she had believed in what he had said. But Hunt didn't know how stubborn and proud Derek could be.

"I killed everything"

"No. You messed up and did something wrong. But everybody makes mistakes. You just need to let him time to digest what happened"

"It just looks… too much. Derek felt this trial like a mission and I… I took it away from him"

Something clicked in Cristina's brain, a knowledge which had been lingering in her head for long but that now had taken suddenly shape. She straightened up almost struck and Owen looked to her quizzically. She patted Meredith's shoulder gently.

"I need to go now… We'll catch up later, Mer"

She marched out of the door but Owen took her elbow, talking in her ear.

"Cristina…"

"Let me go, Owen"

"I don't think…"

"Everything is clear now. And you were right… I was numb not to get it before"

Everything she was talking about, it was clear her fiancé was completely in the blue.

"What?"

"Just stay with her… and trust me, ok?"

* * *

Derek had found shelter on the roof top, a place his colleagues didn't know or like to attend.

Fortunately.

He needed to breathe, to feel air on his face as, after mrs. Fane had uttered her sentence, he had started to feel like drowning.

The proportions of this mess had become so great that he didn't know how to handle the situation.

Professionally speaking after today he was ruined.

This story was going to become public soon and medical press would dive into it and drag his name into dark places. Derek had been published several times, his name was world known and, along with fame, came also envy and grudge. Brad was a living example. Now all these people were going to have good reasons to gloat and spit on his reputation.

This was Derek's last worry though.

His dream was over, he had built everything on it and now he needed to find new perspectives, new directions, a new balance. It felt hard, it felt almost impossible to do as the regret was still too much.

And he felt lonely. Usually he would search advice from Meredith or Richard, this time they were both out of league, for different reasons.

He missed his wife, he missed the woman he loved but he knew they needed to talk, to discuss and he wasn't ready yet, there was too much resentment now, too much unsaid pain. Last thing he wanted was to hurt Meredith again, like the day in the locker room when he had vomited on her that stupid sentence about being a bad mother. The remorse was eating him alive but there was something really wrong with him if he couldn't force himself to apologize, at least for that. He did think Meredith had made a huge mistake, but this didn't mean she wasn't still the same person, the girl who would give everything for her friends and family. This generosity had betrayed her this time, it had clouded her judgment. But Derek knew she was an honest woman, respectful and trustworthy, she didn't deserve to be called a bad example.

That morning she had proved him once again that she wasn't. Her gesture had been tender and sweat and she had made it for him.

It had taken all Derek's self-control not to take advantage of her closed eyes, take her cheeks in his hands and kiss her. He missed her too much… her touch, her lips, her voice. In the last days he had rarely seen her in the hospital, Bailey had diverted her to the clinic and he had been constantly in the OR. At home he had retired in the living room, to live like a tramp on the couch. And, too shameful to admit, he had sneaked into their room to watch her sleep, to make sure she was fine and their baby was fine too.

Why couldn't he just put this story behind his back and move on?

Why couldn't he just voice these feelings?

He knew why… only Meredith couldn't…

All this story revolved on that… he was lying to her.

"Meredith has Alzheimer's gene"

Cristina's voice sounded behind his back and he turned around, he hadn't heard the door opening.

She was three steps from him, her arms closed around her shoulders. It was cold up there, the wind was slapping their faces and ruffling their hair.

Derek was wordless, he didn't know what to say so he just gave his back to her and took another look to the city below. Cristina didn't yield against Sheperd's silence, she joined him against the railing, appreciating the panorama and respecting his space for some second.

"So this was the reason why you hated me when I backed off from the trial…" she looked to Derek, who was making his best to ignore her "you took the results. So you know now and Meredith doesn't. But you know that the fact she has the gene means nothing, Derek"

"It means a lot instead. And it's the reason why I didn't want to know and didn't want her to know eventually"

"Why did you pick them up then?"

"I didn't. They arrived by mail"

"And you go through Meredith's mail now?"

"She told me to open the damned letter… It was on the table for days and… she told me to see what they wanted. She didn't think it was… that"

"How long ago?"

Derek was stroking his eyes, he sighed looking up.

"Three… four months"

"So you put up the trial thing…"

"I just couldn't wait for her to get sick without doing anything… I just…"

Derek hid his face in both hands, resting his elbows on the handrail.

"And now I can't tell her the reason why I'm so mad and frustrated… I can't tell her the truth but… I feel empty. Why do we become doctors if we can't help the people we love?"

Cristina looked away, she didn't have the answer to this question. She had experienced the same feeling years ago and the wave had brought her into medicine. Derek had suffered the same shock, they were more similar than he suspected. Only she had never told him.

"My father died too on my watch… and I decided to become a surgeon… I know how it feels to be powerless… and I know that now you feel like that but… just try to forget about the stupid test, Derek"

"It's hard to do… I had a chance in my hands and Meredith blew it away"

"Even if she had known about the gene, she would have made the same thing… she would have made the same choice… she really wanted to help Adele Webber and… I know we think differently but she's Meredith… she's Meredith and she thinks with her heart. We can't change that, Derek. We need to accept it"

"It just hurts too much now… and I don't want to say awful things to her… I've done already. I need time, Cristina"

"How much time?"

"I don't know"

"You've been avoiding her for days now… it's time you pull yourself together, Sheperd. Do you want to break up with her?"

Derek recoiled in shock, his mouth agape.

"What?"

"Do you want to break up with her?"

"No"

"So if I were you… I would waste five minutes of your precious time to tell your wife this little thing… and then take all the time you need"

She walked away, leaving him in deep thoughts.

Cristina was right. He had sent really negative signs to Meredith, they had discussed, he had told her bad things and then disappeared. She was really questioning the chance he could break up with her. And this was impossible as his feelings, strained and crushed, were crystal clear on that. He loved his wife, every day more and it was not just about their baby. It was a great just… but it wasn't the reason. Meredith was in his blood, in his veins, he had chosen to devote his entire life to make her happy, to let her feel safe and loved. He had dreamt to help her to feel healthy too but… even if this was gone it didn't mean all the rest had too. He just had to find the way to win the awful sadness and impotence he felt now, he had to get over his rage towards her and Richard. It was a lot of stuff to come to terms with but he needed to start and face problems.

* * *

"What are you trying to say?"

Richard's voice sounded incredulous, he was sitting in his office with Jennings and others two Board members. Officially their meeting was to discuss the trial failure but, apparently, they had arrived to his office already decided.

"We need to show there are still rules in here, dr. Webber" Mrs. Gaynor said. She was member of the Board for decades, a petulant woman who had never managed anything but budgets and financial resources.

"And we will. But what you're proposing is excessive"

"We all know dr. Grey was the person who invalidated the trial. What she did was bad, it put the hospital in an awkward position, her actions will discredit us and we need to give a message of firmness. Indulgence doesn't produce anything, Webber, but anarchy and revolt"

"There are things you still don't know about what happened"

"This point I suppose we never will. The FDA came here and everybody kept the mouth shut. I expected that from dr. Sheperd. After all she's his wife, but… you didn't do anything better. I suspect you reported the minimal part of the violation"

"That isn't true. I reported everything. Nothing more happened, I think it's enough like that"

Richard felt insulted by mrs. Gaynor's assessment, his voice grew a little high and Jennings stopped the conversation before it could slip out of control.

"Nobody here wants to criticize or doubt your actions, Richard. Greta misspoke, I'm sure about that. But what we're trying to say is that we have bigger responsibilities now… We have responsibilities to the people we involved in the trial, who grew expectations and hope and now will be excluded, we have responsibilities towards Sheperd too. I know it's difficult to think this or agree with me but… she destroyed his project and reputation. The fact that dr. Grey is his wife doesn't change that. As resident, she disobeyed every protocol and regulation of the hospital. What kind of message would we give if she stayed here like nothing happened?"

"I'm just asking you to take a little bit more of time"

"We don't need more time. If what I heard this morning and read here is what happened, I'm sorry but the decision is made. Waiting won't change it. I let you inform dr. Grey. Besides… I asked Patricia to page her when we got here"

Richard looked out through the window and, actually, saw Meredith on the catwalk. He clenched his jaw figuring out what he was going to do. He heard chairs scraping the floor and looked to the people now standing in front of him.

"I'm sorry, Richard. It was something we needed to do. The Board will meet again tomorrow to define Sheperd's situation. 10,00 a.m. in the headquarters downtown. Don't be late"

The three people walked out and Webber messaged his temples, drawing circles to relax.

"Chief?"

Meredith's gentle voice took him back to reality. He sighed seeing her standing on the doorframe.

"Come in"

She obliged, sitting in front of him, her hand resting on her belly.

Richard tried to avoid looking at it, it made everything difficult.

He was developing plans for the following day, but tomorrow would be tomorrow and now he needed to do something which really upset him, on every level.

"Chief…" Meredith looked at him confused, Webber was making everything not to look at her and she was starting to get nervous. She didn't know if he had met Derek after the meeting, she hadn't. Apparently something had happened and her mind went immediately to her daily assignment, the pit again. She hadn't paid attention before, she hadn't given importance. She had just thought Bailey was taking her out of the OR to let her focus on the solution of the problems. Maybe… maybe it was not like that.

"Derek's refusing to work with me, isn't he?"

Richard swallowed, the reality was even worse than that but Meredith had opened another window on the current relationship between her and Derek. Things hadn't bettered in the last two days, he had sensed it previously in the conference room when Sheperd had walked in and totally ignored her. He thought he had been for diplomacy, for the formality of the situation, but obviously it was not just that. They were still fighting and Richard felt a wave of anger raising in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he needed to face his stubborn and arrogant surgeon after all. But now he had to deliver this news and it hurt his tongue to utter it.

"The board met this morning" Richard saw Meredith recoiling on the chair slightly. "And then came here to… confront with me. They feel that a suspension would send the wrong message. They feel that what you did disgraced the hospital... the profession"

Meredith shook her head, denial or disbelief… she didn't know.

"I'm sorry, I... I did everything I could"

"So what are you saying?"

"You're fired, effective immediately. You're no longer a doctor at Seattle Grace"

Richard looked down to his desk, he felt guilty and he couldn't say anything more. All that he had in mind could produce nothing and the last thing he wanted to do was giving Meredith false hope to get her job back. Webber didn't even have the courage to look at her realizing she was leaving. The door slammed shut and Meredith walked down the catwalk almost in trance. She came across interns along her way, some probably greeted her but she didn't answer back, she was determined to arrive into the locker room. Suddenly a figure appeared in front of her, she tried to wiggle out but the person moved aside, blocking her way again. Meredith raised her eyes and tuned Cristina's face in front of her.

"Are you fine, Mer?"

Cristina was smiling, probably amused by her distraction. The hilarity died when she noticed how lost and hollow her friend looked.

"Mer…"

"I'm fired"

"What?"

A grimace of astonishment had painted on Yang's face, Meredith looked at her and then walked away.

"Meredith…"

Cristina didn't follow her, she was too shaken by the news to be able to give any kind of support. She stood at the beginning of the catwalk, almost paralyzed.

"Were you waiting for me?"

She turned around and saw Owen, a chart closed to his chest, smiling to her.

"No"

Hunt breathed out, usually Cristina played along his jokes and flatteries. Something was bothering her, since the moment she had disappeared from the conference room, presumably to talk to Derek.

He touched her arm and she finally looked to him.

"Hey… I know you're worried. But we need to let them the time to sort things… They'll do it, I'm sure"

"Meredith got fired"

Surprise painted on Owen's face too and Cristina raked a hand through her hair.

"I had finally understood the core of the matter… I had understood why Derek is so shaken and… got he has a point… a big one. And I knew it would take time but… everything was going to be fine. But now… now it's over, Owen… I can't get how the Chief could feed her to sharks like that… the both of them"

"I'm sure Webber has a plan…"

"Which plan? Fire her to bury the secret?"

Her voice raised and Hunt saw faces turning to their direction.

"Cristina… calm down… "

"I just can't calm down. I'm going to find her"

* * *

Derek was almost at the end of this hellish day. Incredibly, none of his friends had tried to approach him, talk to him, support him. Mark had stayed away, Hunt had stayed away, Bailey had too. In some way, he had hoped they would, in another he had suffered to stay by himself and his thoughts. Cristina had discovered his secret and he felt relieved, it was not a weight he would carry by himself anymore and she had finally understood his reasons; she had also rang a bell, she had delivered a message he needed to listen to carefully. Enough with the isolation and the running, he needed to put order in his head and take the plunge… talk with Meredith soon.

He entered the department and his eyes rested immediately on Zola, she always brought a smile to his face. She was on her bed, playing with puppets and big, colored sponge cubes.

He took her chart, all labs and exams were good, she could be discharged in a few days. He noticed there was no tick on the afternoon neuro check, surely it was an oversight, Karev was always accurate and caring but he decided to run it by himself. He entered the room and smiled to the baby girl, who reciprocated the gesture.

"Good morning, Zola. How are you today?"

She giggled and jumped on the bed and Derek took it as a fine. He sat near her and produced a penlight out of his pocket.

"I'm gonna check you, ok?"

He raised the penlight but smiled seeing Zola crawling towards him, she tried to catch his hand and Derek laughed.

"I have to visit you, first. Then we can play. Come here"

He was sure she could get mostly none of his words, but he opened his arms and she cradled in his lap. He stroke her cheek and bent her to the side, rocking her and positioning her head so that he could check her eyes. He flashed the penlight in her irises and she squirmed in protest; when he was done, Derek left her take his equipment, it was the tenth pen she stole from him but it didn't matter. He loved the way she rolled that simple thing in her puffy fingers, he drank every expression, wrinkle, sound she produced. He placed Zola on his knees and stayed there, contemplating the magic of this baby, how she could make everything disappear. It was unacceptable someone had brought her into the world just to forget she existed then. And it was unbelievable how this little girl looked happy and joyful despite everything. She was there… enjoying to play with a stupid object, something Derek's nieces wouldn't even deign of a look. After surgery he had never heard her cry anymore, she was always smiley and cuddly, all nurses were crazy about her.

"I hoped I could find you here"

Derek turned his head to the source of the voice, a sound he had recognized anyway. Karen was standing leaning against the doorframe, her arms closed in front of her chest. He doubted she was there for some time from the look she was giving him, but she didn't say anything and he didn't ask either.

"I'm sorry… I was very busy in the last days"

"I know …"

He heard her footsteps approaching, too taken in tapping his knees to simulate a horse for Zola. He saw her sitting in front of him, her eyes fixed on his figure and the baby he was entertaining.

"There was something I wanted to discuss with you"

"I'm free now. We can go outside if you want"

He sighed taking Zola from her armpits, ready to lift her, but Karen stopped him.

"We can stay here, it's not a problem"

He looked to her doubtful and the young woman smiled to him.

"Actually I came here to give Zola her bottle. It was my turn tonight and… that's why I'm here. The nurse should be on her way. We can talk here, she won't mind"

"Ok"

Derek resettled the baby on his knees, relieved and tormented at the same time. He felt awkward staying in that room and talking in front of Zola, even if she probably didn't understand anything they were saying.

"It just feels strange to stay here and talk… in front of her. It must be annoying hearing people saying stuff and getting any of it"

"Oh… she gets something" Karen stretched her hand and caressed Zola's cheek "she gets when people love her and spend time with her. Maybe she doesn't understand words, but she understands affection"

Derek met Karen's eyes quickly and then looked away, he swallowed getting where the conversation was going. He was too confused to face it openly, but Karen was decided to capitalize this meeting. She had been waiting for him for days and now it was time to speak openly and frankly. It could sound rude but it couldn't be any other way.

"Dr. Sheperd… Derek… can I call you Derek?"

"Sure"

"I perfectly know what I'm gonna do and say is inappropriate and probably intrusive. It's the first time I act like this… probably the last. But if I do, it's because I know you've been thinking about it yourself"

"About what?"

Karen recoiled against the chair, surprised by Derek's reaction. She collected her thoughts and took strength back.

"Adopting her"

The word slapped Derek's face. It was the second time someone got him a cold shower today. All those feelings… Meredith… Zola had been lingering in the air while had had disappeared, eclipsed by his own problems. The ridiculous was that he had given Karev a preach without realizing it fit for him too: life didn't wait, life couldn't wait. He had retired in passive aggressiveness after using active aggressiveness. And the results had been miserable anyway. He had fooled himself believing hiding could help, running was never a solution to problems. It had been once years ago but now everything was different as he didn't want to run anymore. He was hurt, he was shaken, he was suffering. But Meredith was still the center of his world and the space he had taken had been worth to realize this a bit more. This said… everything was still messy and the road to walk through was still long and windy. What had happened between Meredith and him needed a deep analyses, it deserved attention and confrontation. Love wasn't an issue, but sometimes love wasn't enough and couldn't be enough. If there were dark spots, and he felt there were many in this story, they needed to be filled to move on. And this operation would bring him and Meredith a lot of pain. Adding an adoption to this… it felt impossible now and his heart was bleeding just thinking about letting Zola go back to Malawi.

"Karen… I know what you mean and I… I can't deny what I feel for her. I can't even deny the thought has crossed my mind"

"But?"

"But my life is too screwed right now and I don't know if I could give her what she needs"

"You're doing it already"

Derek looked to her, disoriented and speechless.

"You're giving her time and attention. I know you think it's not much, but to her it is…. It's everything. She has never had any of this"

"Giving a baby five minutes a day is not much… it's nothing. The fact she never had anything doesn't mean we should feel good if we spend scraps of time with her"

"Of course not… I want the best for these babies, Derek"

"And this should put me out of the picture"

Karen silenced and stared to the scene in front of her. Something had changed in Sheperd's behavior, she felt it, she sensed it. And she wasn't deaf. She heard what was going on in the hospital and his life. Only she had thought he wouldn't jeopardize Zola's chance to happiness for a temporary situation. Unless he didn't think it was temporary.

She didn't blame him. Karev had told her about the awful seven months he had lived: the aggression… the medical problems… the rehab. He was living the high of becoming father for the first time and it had to be difficult to think to adopt a baby in that very moment. But Karen was there to make the interest of Zola and all the other kids, she needed to explore this field to make sure this road was really impracticable.

"Is it why you're having a baby of your own?"

"No. I'm not a selfish who considered adoption just when he thought he couldn't have his own kids"

"I didn't mean that. I mean that having a baby is already a big step. The timing may not be good"

"It's not that… or… yes, maybe it's that again. But…" he sighed looking to her "you've spent here the last two weeks, Karen. You're not stupid and you don't need to pretend you know nothing of what's going on here. My life is a mess right now. It's three days I don't talk to my wife… we live under the same roof but we're not even on speaking terms. I would be insane if I thought to bring a kid in this"

"I'm sorry… I… I know…. I heard… Alex told me… and I also know that he feels really bad about this situation"

"We talked this morning. It's not Karev my problem right now"

"And he also says that you love each other… that you'll sort things out"

"I'd like to be that optimist too"

A thick silence fell in the room and Karen looked to her clock. It was Zola's dinner time and, indeed, the baby's stomach started to produce noisy gurgles bringing a smile to Derek's face.

"It looks like our lady here is hungry… Are you hungry, Zola?"

He rolled his hands on her chest and she giggled. Karen stood smiling too.

"I'm gonna see if the nurse is ready"

She left the room and Derek sighed, alone. There was truth in Karen's words, he knew. He knew he was crazy about this baby, from the first moment he had laid his eyes on her he had felt something… a warmth… a spark. It wasn't the fact they were having a baby that scared him… it did but not as much as the fact that the "they" was not so assumed anymore. Meredith and him would need time to build their relationship back, they had already to handle their first born… another one… he was afraid it would be too much and it felt bad, it felt egoistical. He really wanted to make something for Zola but he couldn't be so full of himself to forget problems, deny them. But he also knew that, if he let her go and fix things with Meredith, the regret would haunt him for the rest of his life.

The door hissed open and he saw Karen approaching with a bottle of milk.

"Here we go, Zola"

She handled him the bottle and he took it, hesitant.

He lowered Zola's head on his elbow and held her while she avidly drank her milk.

"You're good with kids. I have a niece and my boyfriend has never given her a bottle… He acts like she could bite"

"I have a little horde of nieces and nephews… I liked to babysit when I lived in New York…"

Zola had almost finished her milk and Derek changed the angle, smiling seeing her gloating, satisfied. He put it down when she was done and straightened her up.

"We've got a little wolf here"

He started patting her back and after some second was rewarded by a noisy burp; he burst out laughing and leant Zola's head in the crock of his neck, rocking her.

Some chord made its way out of his lips and the baby relaxed in his hug.

Derek didn't know how much time had passed, but suddenly he realized Zola was asleep. He stood and laid her down on the bed, tucking her in and switching off the light. He stayed there, staring at her face while she was sleeping like an angel and sighed, sadness suddenly squeezing his heart.

"I couldn't live with myself if I let her go"

"So don't"

Derek turned around, his eyes down, his hands buried in the pockets of the labcoat, he marched out of the room and Karen followed him. She didn't like to intrude in other's lives and this wasn't even her job, but she felt dr. Sheperd needed someone to talk to, someone to support him.

She had got used to meet him in the last days, she didn't know him personally but she had sensed a change in his behavior, in his mood and even in his aspect. Now the rumors had made sure everybody knew the reasons of it, he was living a pretty hard situation, thorny as it had mixed professional to personal. It had to be confusing fighting with your loved one on work and taking the results inside the domestic walls.

"I know this is none of my business, I know I don't even know you and this is pretty strange to me as this is not even my job. I don't classify people… I'm not a shrink but I can see. And what I see here is beautiful. This doesn't mean I want to push you to adopt a baby Derek, I know you're having one and I know it would be a life changing decision, something you need to agree and discuss with your wife. What I want to tell you is that time is not by your side here, the moment Zola leaves the hospital she'll go back home. And I don't want you to regret you could have done something and you didn't when it's too late"

She walked away and Derek stayed there, in the middle of the corridor, unaware of doctors running up and down the corridor.

His shift was over and, for the first time in years, he was feeling a big wish to leave this place and find a little bit of quiet in his land.

He walked down the corridor and opened the door, stopping abruptly when he realized the Chief was there. He ignored him and opened his locker, starting to undress.

Webber saw labcoat and scrub top pooling on the bench, his eyes rested a moment on Derek's body, the scars still evident after months. Richard cleared his throat, waving a folder in his hands.

"I'm sorry to bother you here, Shep. I've been looking for you everywhere. You've got a minute?"

"Sure"

Derek put his shirt on, he started to button it up and Richard cleared his throat again.

"Karev gave me the weekly report on the Africa project. Some are yours and I needed to know when you plan to discharge them"

Richard handled him the folder and Derek took it.

Zola's name was the first.

"Chiari's malformation post up ran smoothly. I need a couple of days more to make a final CT and then she'll be free. Neuro compression… Torres will remove the cast next Monday I guess… for me it's ok but you need to talk to her" Derek scrolled the page and gave the papers back to Richard "It's all I guess"

He sat on the bench and put on one shoe, Richard sighed looking away. Derek wasn't really inviting him to engage a civil discussion, his words were as dry as his movements, but Webber knew he wouldn't get anything else and decided to face him anyway.

"Have you seen Meredith?"

"No"

"Do you plan to?"

"With all due respect, Chief, it's none of your business"

"Derek…"

"No" Sheperd stood and put his coat on, he locked eyes with Richard and Webber got he was trying to control his anger "If you have nothing work related to discuss with me, that's all"

Richard's jaw clenched, he knew Derek was in defense mode and he knew that driving him out would bring to a big fight, but there was no way he could leave things like that.

"This isn't all"

Sheperd sent him an angry look and took his briefcase, ready to leave but Richard was quicker and rounded him, blocking the way out.

"If you don't want to talk, I'll do it and you'll listen to me"

"Why would I listen to you? Everything you needed to tell me is crystal clear. My life doesn't concern you"

"It does… and Meredith's too"

"Maybe you had to worry before setting her up for this… She did a huge mistake but you should thank yourself for it"

"I have never asked her to do anything"

"Oh no… you were smart enough not to do it directly so that she did the dirty job and you'll come out of this fresh and clean. My congratulations, Chief, you know how to get what you want"

"Don't you dare to talk to me like that. I perfectly know I didn't act professionally but I have never used Meredith, I've never forced her to..."

Derek put his briefcase down violently and Richard silenced.

"Let's put things straight here … since the moment Adele's diagnoses was made you've started to breathe on my neck. You wanted her in the trial no matter what and I had to use all my balance and understanding not to send you to hell. You had no right to aggress me like that"

"I didn't…"

"You did. You came and went from my office barking me orders and trying to let me feel guilty as it was Adele and I wasn't available to break rules for her. Well… I have to clear you a point, Richard: I love Adele, I do love her. And I'm sorry she had to go through this and I'm sorry you had too. But I knew that, if I wanted to help, I needed to stay focused and be completely honest and fair, I needed to keep this trial alive as it was her last chance to be treated. But you couldn't accept it. You pressed down on me constantly, you pressured me in every way, fair and unfair, to get where you wanted. You went proud when you did your first trial surgery without authorization and shoved it to my face like a trophy. Is what makes you proud now?"

"No, it doesn't. I feel ashamed about it. And I owe you an apology"

"I don't care… and you should apologize for the hundreds of times you acted like this in the past. And I could even accept your apology if this time you hadn't taken advantage of Meredith… as it's what you did. I could take your rage and abuses and grudge if this could help you dealing with Adele's condition. But you got it didn't work on me and put all the weight on her. And that's what we have now…"

Derek walked away raking a hand in his hair, leaving a speechless Richard behind. Webber felt ashamed, Derek's reconstruction was watertight, somewhere along his desperate need to get Adele into the trial he had lost conscience of fair play; maybe he hadn't asked Meredith to do it, but he had implied it and now he could not get away blameless.

"You're right… I pressed too much and she… but that's on me, Derek. She was punished too much and she needs you"

"What she needs and I need is out of your field, Richard. This was first of all about work but it's also personal to me. It's a great personal matter that my wife altered my trial and lied to me for weeks"

"She didn't mean to hurt you"

"But she did. I had built my career on this trial and she destroyed everything and she's not even sorry about it. If I think to all the patients who had believed in me I feel sick"

"It's not your fault"

"It was. I trusted someone with something which was bigger than her, I blamed myself as I cut her out at the beginning but I have to blame myself as I changed my mind"

Derek stroke his eyes tiredly shaking his head, he was reversing his feelings on Richard and, after all, he felt better. He sensed his presence near him and looked up.

"I can't do anything for your trial, Derek. It's gone and you can perfectly understand that this upsets me as much as it upsets you"

"I don't think so"

Richard closed his arms around his chest and looked down to him irritated.

"Adele was part of your trial, it was her last chance. Don't you think I feel bad she lost it?"

"I know you do. But I also know you're grateful to Meredith for what she did and you shouldn't"

"She did it for me"

"And what a great result she got… Adele's out of the trial. Did you really feel good she got the placebo at someone's else's place?"

Richard looked away, he felt bad but he had felt good when he had known.

Adele's problem was current, there was no time and space to wait for eventual improvements. Egoistically speaking, the trial would have been useless for her if she hadn't got the active agent. Placebo and invalidated trial were the same thing for her and it was why Meredith had acted so promptly and recklessly.

He felt ashamed, but as husband and man, Grey had done the only thing which could help his wife and he couldn't bring himself, as Chief, to support the Board in its decisions. It was an evident hiatus… a rift difficult to settle and Derek got exactly what Richard was thinking, it was pointless to deny it.

"I'm sorry, Derek"

"You're not and you should feel bad for it. And you should feel bad as now we're gonna…."

Derek stopped, swallowing his own saliva, he looked away collecting himself but Richard had caught his allusion and the way he had stopped abruptly, Webber sensed there was something more behind his young colleague's rage, something which went beyond the professional failure.

"We're gonna do what?"

"Nothing"

Sheperd tried to walk away but Richard gripped his elbow and stopped him, raising an expression of impatience from the neuro surgeon.

"Why is this so personal to you?"

Derek kept refusing to look at him and Richard was growing impatient.

"I thought you felt betrayed and disappointed for the implications this thing could have on your career. But now… now I feel there's something much bigger which is upsetting you. Meredith didn't make this to damage you… she didn't make this against you"

"The moment she decided to break the rules she did something against me. She jeopardized my project and she well knows it was much more than work to me. If any of this had ever meant something to her… she had to stop outside that damned office… but she didn't. She just hoped the truth would stay put and destroyed something I had done for her… You can't understand what I feel now"

Derek started to pace in the room again and Richard sensed he had opened a breach in his defenses. He was closed to tell his unsaid fears, to disclose the torments which were torturing him.

"I could if you told me"

Derek leant against the wall looking up, he shook his head slightly.

"I told you once, Richard, and you dismissed me"

"Excuse me?"

"I came to you with an early project to set up an Alzheimer's trial. You look to all the papers and rejected it"

"I didn't think that was a mature plan… Derek. And you proved me I was wrong"

"No, things didn't go like that… this isn't the point. After what happened… after Gary Clark and Harper Avery… I stopped a moment and realized I wanted something more from my job. I still wanted impossible surgeries, the high… challenges… but it wasn't enough anymore. I wanted to do something tangible for me, for my life, for my family… as my family is the most important thing for me… Meredith and…" words died in his throat and Sheperd cleared it "Alzheimer's had ruined… has ruined Meredith's life. I couldn't fight against her familiar problems… I couldn't take his father back in his life… give her a better mother… but I could fight the disease which changed Ellis forever and whose ghost was affecting my wife. That was what that purpose meant to me and you said no"

"I said no as you came to me expressing a remote fear, Derek. Meredith isn't Ellis… Setting up a trial to exorcise your fears wouldn't have turned me into a better chief. I knew she got bothered by a patient and got the test for the gene… but I also know she gave up the idea to collect…"

A doubt winded suddenly in his mind, Webber recoiled a bit, hands on his hips and looked to Derek strictly.

"Did she finally pick up the result?"

Derek looked away and Richard prompted him.

"You picked up the result, didn't you?"

"Yeah"

Webber's brain produced two strong, opposite images. The first was painful as it figured Meredith affected with Alzheimer's, the second painted Derek collecting a test his wife hadn't meant to know and share.

"You had no right to do that…"

Derek looked up to him astonished, this wasn't sure the reaction he was expecting.

"Excuse me?"

"You had no right to break her privacy and pick up a result she didn't want to know and she probably didn't want you to know"

Derek couldn't control a nervous chuckle.

"You're unbelievable…" he pushed himself upright and faced Richard, rage coming back at full force. "First of all I didn't pick up a damned thing. Our extra petulant and eager lab took the bother to send the results home despite her wish to collect them personally. Meredith got an envelope and didn't know what it was about. She asked me to open it…"

"So you recommended me a trial?"

"No, I recommended you a trial before. After you denied it to me, I was setting the idea aside. But this test gave me new motivations. I worked like a dog to find resources, to find sponsors, to write a decent protocol. I had considered every case, every scenario… I wanted this attempt to work, I wanted to feel active and ready. You have no idea how I feel now… I feel empty… Meredith screwed herself… her only chance and she doesn't even know"

"I'm sorry"

"I don't know what to do of your sorrow… Your wife has Alzheimer, my wife is a serious candidate to develop it… All we're gonna do now is waiting for them to get worse or sick… That's what is left to us. And this knowledge is choking me… it makes me anguished, it makes me furious… I can't control it. And it doesn't matter if Meredith is the love of my life, the hurt is still too much to get over it. And for what comes to you… it's the only thing I'll never be able to forgive you"

Derek walked away, leaving Richard stunned in the middle of the room. He opened the door and the bright lights invading the hallway hurt his eyes. He headed to the elevator and pressed the button nervously. He breathed in and out sometimes to catch his breath, calm down, bottle up his feelings. He was so angry and upset that his hands were sweating. He passed his free palm on his jeans and passed the briefcase to the other hand, snorting as the elevator didn't want to come. Finally the doors opened and he stepped in, grateful the cabin was unoccupied. He pushed the button to the ground floor and, while the doors were already closing up, he saw a hand stopping them, Meredith looking at him.

"I… I've paged you before"

"I was busy"

She saw him lingering on her hand, holding the doors open. It was clear he didn't want to stay there and that he was just waiting for her to back off and let him go.

"I got fired"

Derek's head recoiled slightly, his mouth opened a bit and for a second Meredith was sure she had detected a glimpse of sorrow and sympathy on his face. He hadn't expected this and was upset. But as quickly as the regret had come, it went away. Derek's face hardened and his eyes became cold and almost blank.

"What did you think was gonna happen?"

* * *

_You failed and you feel failed._

_It's when this revolves on itself that we lose control_

* * *

Meredith felt like she had been slapped. She let go of the doors out of shock and Derek disappeared behind them.

* * *

_Causes and effects mix dangerously, you know you should stop and pick up the pieces but it hurts too much._

_Your work infects your life…_

_Professional aggresses personal and before you know you're left empty-handed._

* * *

Derek leant heavily against the wall, he didn't know where this had come from.

* * *

_With nobody to blame._

_As the person you want to blame for your failure is the same person you wanted to succeed for._

_And there's no worse and bitter conviction than this._

* * *

Great things happened here.

Derek's career suffered a great damage because of Meredith's actions, works are still in progress and you'll know more in next chapter.

I can tell the same for Meredith's and Richard's.

I think the strong point of this chapter was Derek's knowledge about Alzheimer's gene: I needed something to make his rage to Meredith not only professional. Seeing I couldn't use Zola as we are not in the adoption process (yet... will we get to it? Don't know...), I set this up. It's really appropriate to justify his anger and I always felt Shonda dropped the topic too quickly.

It gave me also the chance to write a very intense scene between Derek and Richard: connected in their wives' fate with opposite feelings. I wanted Derek to sweat resignation and emptiness with every pore in this chapter and I hope I made it. He's torn between the love for his wife, which is absolute, and the sorrow for the trial which is gone; he feels betrayed and desperate but can't tell her why without revealing the gene's thing. I still have to decide how he'll manage this.

And Zola's affaire... it's still there to be discussed.

I don't know how many of you are still reading this fic... I'd like to know. Just send me a review to let me know you're here!

And, of course, to let me know your feelings and impressions!

I'll write a new chapter of WHSAT now... just give me some time and I'll be back!


	48. PHOENIX

_Hey... here I am, putting more sault in the wound. _

_I'm very happy about this chapter and I wait you in the end for the usual comments._

_See you!_

* * *

_Phoenix is a mythological bird._

_Everybody knows it and its horrific and awesome conviction._

_It is beautiful, sacred, with amazing feathers, golden neck, red body and blue tail with pink plumes; wings gold and crimson painted, a long shaped beak, long paws; two long feathers, one rose and one azure, slipping down its head and three pending from its tail, rose, azure and fire-red._

_A perfect animal…a consuming beauty._

_Consumed by its own fate._

_Dying at the peak of its glory, burning because of its blinding light and warmth._

_And then raising again, as magnificent as ever, from its own ashes._

_Striking story._

* * *

Derek woke up when a violent gush of air invested the sleeping bag he was lying in.

He shivered, all his bones frozen after the night stay in the open air.

It was early morning, he could get that from the colors painting the sky.

It was still dark but the first rays of light were brightening the day, it was some minute before the sunrise and his heart warmed up despite the temperature.

He stroked his eyes, the sleep completely gone. Derek straightened up, a grimace painting on his face when his back scream at him. He had slept on his wooden deck, hard and inhospitable and his body was sending him a last warning: first the couch, now this, you're not young anymore to lay everywhere you want.

Derek sighed, closing his eyes, the beauty of the view had clouded for a moment the reason he was there, in his land, taking in that perfect place, instead of being in his pretty finished new house or, better, with Meredith in her old one.

He sat up, closing his knees into a tight hug, adjusting his jacket.

He was tired despite the supposed rest.

His night had been full of thoughts and ghosts, he hadn't been able to push everything out and let his brain have a break. Meredith, trial, Meredith, the trial. Everything had been a blur and he felt like he had been working for three days straight. He needed to stop for a moment, only he couldn't.

The previous day had given many answers: his project was dead and he had to start thinking to someone who could take it and lead it at his place. The simple knowledge hurt. His head was blank, he really hadn't a name. Many of his colleagues were very good but also not devoted to research and chronic diseases. Too much work, too much risk, few visibility. Peter had opened his eyes on that. Derek had always lived in some kind of fairy kingdom, he gave everything for his patients and assumed all the others did the same. Now he knew it wasn't like that. Some of his noble fellows turned surgeries down if the risk of failure was too high, if the person to cure was too famous and could raise bad advertising. It was a jungle and, right now, he wasn't ready to pick a name. Hoping the said name would be available to inherit a hot potato like this one.

So later, since he hadn't any surgery scheduled, he had to go to his den and collect stuff, material, years of researches to close into a box and give it to someone else.

It felt like giving away his own life, Meredith's, Adele's…

It was the one thing he hadn't been able to process and elaborate yet. It was like a bite stuck in his throat, he couldn't throw it up and he couldn't just swallow it down. Derek felt in a limbo, he felt like in front of a mirror, looking his life slipping away through the glass without being able to do anything. It wasn't something he was capable of handling right now, it wasn't something he could understand and let go. It just felt too much.

All these feelings were overflowing. He had tried to control them, he had tried to silence them but it had been useless. Regret and bitterness had always found a way out, especially when he had talked to Meredith. He had confessed Cristina he felt ashamed for the words he had thrown at her the day everything had happened, but this hadn't stopped him to do worse the day before when Meredith had delivered him the news of her layoff. Sheperd closed his eyes rubbing his temples, he couldn't believe the words that had spilled out of his mouth. He was supposed to say different things, he was supposed to act differently, but, once again, the worse part of him had taken the lead and he couldn't understand why. Derek felt sorry for Meredith, truly sorry. She had ingenuously and superficially jeopardized her own career. Her failure had been his and Richard's, he knew how much she loved her job and all he wanted was to go and hold her, whisper her sweat, reassuring words. Only he had been incapable of doing it. Frustration was speaking for him and had done many damages up to now. The topic needed to be discussed and he was sure he had good reasons to complain, but burying Meredith with nasty and bitter remarks was pointless and completely unnecessary.

Derek took his cell out of his pocket, he noticed two missed calls and sighed when he realized they came from Cristina, the previous evening. He had asked her to spent the night with Meredith and Yang had probably found her desperate about Richard's decision and his cold behavior.

He looked to his clock, it was 3.45 a.m. and they were certainly sleeping.

He typed a message quickly and stood, his eyes darting to their new house.

It was finished, it was ready and Meredith hadn't seen it yet. Hours before, when he had reached his land in the darkness and had sensed the freezing temperature outside, he had sent a longing look to the warm, comfortable walls he had built. But the thought of going to sleep there had died even before shaping. He wanted his first night there to be with Meredith, it had to be special, for the both of them and he didn't want to waste the occasion. So he had splayed his bag on the floor and taken a nap under the stars, among nails and beams.

His shift was going to start in some hour, he needed to find a place to take a shower. He couldn't go to his trailer, he had forgotten to turn on the boiler and a cold shower was the last thing he wanted to force his body into. So he had two chances in front of him: the hospital or Meredith's. His heart was telling him to go home and show up, he had given his wife negative signs on their future and maybe it was time to loosen the pressure, let her feel he still loved her despite everything, despite their many mistakes. It would be appropriate. Derek stood and entered his car before something could make him change his mind.

* * *

Owen was sitting at the table, in his dark and silent living room.

Cristina was not there and he had taken the chance to stay up and work all night long.

Today it was the day… it was the day he was going to reveal to the world the next Chief Resident.

It wasn't big deal, it wasn't supposed to become a big deal but it had as last events had messed up his plans, totally, and now he didn't really know what to do.

Meredith Grey was out of the picture, definitely. Not only he couldn't appoint her but she had also lost her job. Alex Karev had scratched himself from the contest. Hunt was sure he hadn't been nasty and calculator but the results of his outburst had been catastrophic. Right now he was the most unpopular doctor in Seattle Grace, he had to work a lot to gain trust back, to get respect back, to win his fellow's benevolence back. The promotion was out of his league now. This narrowed the choice to three names: Avery, Reed and Yang. And there was no one which totally satisfied him.

Better, Cristina would be perfect for the job, but she would be wasted.

Her wish to become Chief resident was her wish to win, always and no matter what, even if the stakes weren't worth the effort or matched her talents.

Cristina Yang was an animal for the OR, she lived for surgery, she lived for procedures. Filling her time with schedules and bureaucratic stuff looked useless and expensive. Owen was sure she would thank him one day, probably not this, probably not tomorrow, but one day she would thank him for sparing her this bother.

The problem was that, right now, the hospital would need her. Among the three candidates, she was the best without any kind of doubt.

Dr. Yang was tough, authoritative. She could lead her fellow residents and impose her ideas. Owen was sure of that, some kind of too aware of that. Cristina didn't know where to place the boundary. She pressed and pulled to get what she wanted and didn't value others' opinion and wishes. She was egoistic and that wasn't a flaw as surgeon, as Chief Resident it could be the worst flaw, it could turn her into a mindless oppressor. Hunt knew her girlfriend had very sharp opinions about her colleagues: she respected Meredith, she respected Karev, she had grown to stand Avery, she didn't consider Reed at all. She looked her upside down and, even if medically there was an abyss between the two of them, even if Cristina was far more talented, her attitude wasn't fair. That was what made her finally unsuitable for the position.

Avery had told several times he wasn't interested in becoming the focus of others, he wanted to live his residency out of reflectors his name had naturally concentrated on him. Owen respected this wish; he didn't think Jackson was running from his responsibilities, he was just trying to deal with something bigger than him. Right now, being Harper Avery's nephew was a burden enough to curve his back and crash him. He just wanted to take his time to grow, to make his own experiences, to build his name by himself. It was a good objective and Hunt didn't feel to waste his plans.

This led to Reed, the weaker in his shortlist.

Technically she wasn't the best, Owen sensed her blanks day by day. She was ten steps behind the others and had a really hard time to make up; but, to her value, he had to recognize she was aware about that and kept a very low profile. She was good with patients, accurate, careful. His main concern was temperamental: Cristina would eat her alive, Karev would have a really hard time to take her seriously. Avery would support her but Hunt didn't know if this could be enough. Choosing her could have a double, opposite effect: feeding and raising her self-respect and make her a better doctor, ditching her forever. He didn't know if he had the courage to do this.

Owen dropped the pen on the table and raked a hand in his hair, frustrated. It was 4.30 and he had no idea of what to do. He didn't expect this to be so difficult, he had contemplated possible personal fallouts, not having embarrassment to pick a name. Right now… 4 hours from the big reveal, he felt like that: embarrassed and insecure.

Chief Webber had untrusted him with his task and he didn't know how to handle it. Richard would know, he was far more experienced, he could easily comprehend his staff expectations and mood. This choice could close the crisis, give new direction to the residents and interns or, if badly judged, open another wound. Owen wasn't ready to deal with all this stuff. He had spent the previous years in the desert in a tent where there was no space for ambition, power and competition. It was the first time since he had started his adventure in Seattle Grace that he felt out of place, inadequate and he was in a dilemma. He wasn't born for this kind of matters. Suddenly an idea popped in his mind, maybe it wasn't the best ever. Actually it could be the worst, but the decision he had to make was a chiefly decision and, in that moment, there were two heads in Seattle Grace: the historical leader who had delegated him this task and the follower, who happened to be his friend. Probably this wasn't the best moment to pull Sheperd in the mix but Hunt felt it could be also a good expedient to approach him and talk to him. He looked to his wristwatch snorting. It was almost five and Derek could be awake… Owen pictured him awake wandering in his land and picked up his cell, typing a message. He left the phone on the table and headed to the kitchen, pouring a glass of water. He was sipping it when his cell vibrated and caught his attention. He put the glass in the sink and went back to the living room, reading the message. A little smile stretched his lips, he hadn't been wrong on Sheperd. He was awake but going home to take a shower. Owen took all his notes and papers and left, leaving the dark and silent house behind his back.

* * *

"What are you doing today?"

Meredith's question sounded in the dark of the room and Cristina rubbed her eyes tiredly. She squinted trying to adjust her sight and then looked to her friend. Meredith has lying on her back, stroking her belly, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Working…"

"Any surgery in particular?"

"I don't know"

Meredith looked to Cristina, frowning.

"You always know your schedule. You don't need to hide things from me… sweeten my pill… Even if I don't work anymore I still want to know your stuff"

"Mer…"

Cristina straightened up, throwing the conditioner away and standing. Meredith followed her frame astonished. She opened her arms quizzically.

"What?"

"Are you seriously going to do this?"

"Doing what? I'm just trying to do some kind of conversation with you. It's what friends are supposed to do… Sharing and talking"

Cristina was putting her jeans on, avoiding to meet Meredith's eyes.

"Not on this, Mer. Not today"

"Why not?"

"As you're making me feeling guilty"

"Excuse me?"

Their eyes locked and Cristina sighed, she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat.

"Meredith… you've just lost your job and you're here asking me about my day like we used to do. Don't you get it makes me uncomfortable?"

"We need to get used to it. What are we gonna do? Ever talking of medicine again?"

"We will, eventually. But not today"

"Reality may not change for a while, Cristina. It may not change forever"

"It's something I don't even want to consider"

"Well I did, instead. And I've lost my husband, I've lost my job and I can't really stand to lose my best friend on top of that"

"You're not losing me, Meredith. And you haven't lost Derek either"

"It's pretty hard to believe it, Cristina"

Some tear rolled down her friend's cheek and Yang sighed. She hated to see Meredith like that. She knelt on the bed approaching her friend and her voice softened.

"I talked with Derek yesterday and I know for sure nothing changed for him"

"Yeah… you're right. He still hates me like he hated me two days ago and yesterday. I think it's time I start to consider my marriage is over"

"That's crap, Meredith and you need to stop thinking like that"

Cristina's watch beeped and she looked at it. It was her alarm, she had to be at the hospital in half an hour. She sighed realizing Meredith was still crying. She hated to leave her like that but she needed to go. She touched Grey's knee through the covers and smiled to her.

"Just try to relax and rest, Meredith. Enjoy your short holiday as I'm pretty sure it won't last long. I'll call you at lunch time, ok?"

"Ok"

Meredith felt down on the matrass, almost disappearing under the covers and Cristina left the room. The whole house was silent and desert, she trotted down the stairs but stopped on the last step noticing Derek entering the door. Their eyes met and he greeted her.

"Hey"

She didn't return the courtesy. Cristina marched into the kitchen ignoring Sheperd, she started to prepare coffee. Yang felt his presence in the room and looked up. Her sight hadn't misled her. He looked dishevelled and shabby, the nickname was going to turn into Mc Sloppy he didn't pull himself together quickly. But, definitely, his appearance was her last concern, now as ever.

If Derek was bothered by her attitude, he hid it well. He sat on the stool dropping his briefcase, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Cristina was busy with the pot and didn't consider him worthy of any attention.

"How is she?"

The question slipped out of his mouth, for a moment Cristina thought her brain had imagined it seeing how weak and hollow his voice had sounded.

"Why do you care?"

Derek's face jumped up, surprised by her harshness.

"What?"

"Why do you care?"

Yang didn't hear an answer back, she turned around, taking in Derek's total lack of words.

"It didn't look like you cared when you shoved your rage on her face again… yesterday. I thought you were going to talk to her, I thought we had agreed you had to. But Mc Ass had to climb on his golden pedestal again…"

"I didn't mean to…"

Cristina's deathly glare was enough to shut him up. Derek sighed, guilt taking control of his heart again.

"I hadn't planned to snap at her… It just" he shook his head, defeated.

"Oh yes… it just rolled out. As that's what you do. When you screw up people have to forgive you, to give you credit. When it's Meredith to do it you have to dig her in crap for days"

"It's not like that"

"It is. Remember what you called her a whore? It was the same thing. She had to watch you kiss your wife all day, every day. But when she tried to build her life back or just have some fun you turned green and called her a whore. What a real gentleman…"

"I apologized for that"

"And you also apologized when you beat her ring in the woods and called her a lemon?" Derek's eyes cast down and Cristina nodded "I thought you hadn't. But she forgave you. And now you can't even give her two words without hurting her more each time"

Derek rubbed his eyes tiredly. Cristina's words hurt, they hurt really much as they were true.

"And I called you twice yesterday and didn't even pick up the damned phone. She could be delivering or she could be in need, you didn't give a crap"

"I'm sorry"

"Just save it"

Cristina took the pot off the stove, she poured two cups of coffee and laid one down roughly in front of Derek. He rolled the item in his fingers without saying anything crushed by his thoughts and feelings. Yang looked to him and sighed, masking the act and pretending she was blowing on her breakfast. Even if Derek had acted like an ass towards Meredith, she felt for him and this showed her she was really turning light. They were both hurting and this acted like a barrier to any trial of communication. Usually Sheperd was supposed to be the one to make the first step, he was the man after all, he was the one who had more experience and sensitivity. This time the knock had been really hard to recover from and he was showing all his weaknesses and fragility. He was Meredith's rock but not a rock overall.

Cristina took the last sip of coffee and set the cup in the sink, she turned around and Sheperd was still in the same position, she leant against the kitchen closing her arms in front of her chest. This was tiring for her too.

"Look… I know you didn't mean to hurt her but you did. And now she's upstairs crying on you and her marriage. I know she messed up but you need to set a boundary to this fight because she really starts to lose hope. She has doubts on everything and I tried to rock her to the ground but I couldn't. You're the one who can. So stop crying on your ass and show you balls. This is the last warn I give you, Mc Dreamy"

She walked out and Derek stayed there, deep in thoughts.

He didn't know how much it passed but, suddenly, he heard someone clearing his throat from the doorframe. He turned around and saw Hunt standing in the door. Owen gestured to the door squirming under his colleague's blank face.

"I'm sorry… the door was open and I came in"

"And heard your girlfriend kicking my ass… It's fine. I think I deserved it"

Derek turned on his stool, giving his back to the trauma surgeon. Hunt stepped into the room and approached him. He sat near Derek, patting his shoulder.

"You know Cristina… She always takes Meredith's side and… she's just worried she might have problems with the baby. But she's worried for you too"

"It's not Cristina's blame that upsets me but the fact she's right, on the whole line. I really… I don't know… I have never felt like this before. I can't find a way out and… I'm hurting her"

"The situation is complicated"

"It is… but every time I open my mouth I do worse. It's like I can't command my tongue anymore and I have been mean… I have been awful. And I feel bad and I know I let her feel bad. But I just can't get this feeling out of my chest"

"Maybe you need some more time, Sheperd. Everything spun out of control and a lot of stuff mixed together. Your job, your career, your marriage… It's enough to upset everybody"

Derek rubbed his eyes, the day has just begun but the premises didn't look too good. He picked up the cup and sipped the coffee.

"What is it that takes you out of bed at 5 o' clock in the morning?"

Owen sighed, after seeing Derek's mood he wasn't so sure his idea had been good. But now he was there and it was useless to step off.

"I… well it's kind of stupid and maybe it wasn't a great idea to call you"

"You're here. And right now I'm in no position to judge you so… just talk"

"It's work related"

Derek arched his brows and walked to the sink, Hunt took it as an invitation to go on.

"Today I have to make the announcement of the Chief Resident and… really… I don't know what to do. Everything is so messed up"

"I know"

"The people I had chosen or… at least I was going to choose in are gone and… I need to find a solution"

"And why do you think I can help?"

"As you're going to be the next chief. And this stuff is really political now. It's out of my league"

"You're the best person to make the choice instead... Your head is clean"

"I would define it anyway but clean" Owen rubbed his eyes tiredly and then looked to Derek. "I know this stuff looks stupid to you, especially now... I just thought... you could help"

Derek went back to the counter and sat near Hunt.

"Tell me what you want me to do"

Owen smiled in relief, he picked up his notes and displayed them on the table.

"Just listen to me and tell me what you think... I have these three names..." Derek looked down to the paper sheet and swallowed realizing Meredith's name missing. It was something he hadn't come to terms with yet. "And my reflections are pushing me towards the less capable... medically"

"You're cutting Cristina out?"

Owen and Derek's eyes met and Hunt got the question was more personal than professional.

"I don't think she would like to have the position. She wants it but she wouldn't like it. And her personality has stuff to smoother to become a good leader"

"It's true. But you make it sound like she agrees with this analyses and the Cristina I know... is not so reasonable when it comes to power"

"So I should name her to avoid an argument?"

"No. But you should be aware there will be one. You sound like you're fooling yourself she'll get your reasons. And maybe she will but... It won't be immediate"

"Are you still talking about me now? I have the feeling this concerns you too"

"It did. But I was too blinded to get what Meredith's and mine different opinion could bring to. It blew on my face and I just want to tell you that what is crystal clear for us is not for them. I know your intentions are of best quality and you're totally fair and peaceful with your decision... But she won't let you walk away without a last word"

"I know"

"So... Adamson is your horse?"

"I don't know, there are pros and cons and... I can't decide. I perfectly know she's the weakest candidate on many levels but... It could also be the sign of a change... A message that sometimes being the less talented is not the end of the world... Not if you're ready to admit, not if you're ready to work on it, not if you work hard and fairly"

Derek's lips stretched in a weak smile, something Owen hadn't seen for days. He frowned and looked down.

"And now you think I'm a moron..."

"No. I think what you have just said is the reason why Richard put the choice on you. And I also think you'll make a perfect Chief someday"

Derek patted his shoulder and sighed.

"I should go upstairs and say something civil to my wife... For the first time in days"

"Are you ready?"

"I have to be"

"Good luck"

"You too"

* * *

Cristina entered the locker room in a hurry. It was two minutes before the beginning of her shift and in five years she had never been so late.

She dropped her bag on the bench and pulled her coat out. Only closing the shutter she realized all her fellow residents were there, silent. Reed was tying her shoe, her knee bent to reduce efforts. She raised her eyes and smiled to Cristina but the Asian doctor ignored her. She couldn't bring herself to be friendly and polite to Adamson. Avery was sitting playing with his smartphone and Alex was just observing the tiles under his nose. It was the first day without Meredith and he had to feel like a thief.

She adjusted the labcoat on her shoulders with an enormous sulk on her face, she couldn't stand that funeral after the evening she had spent with Meredith.

"Digging yourself a hole in that floor won't change what happened to Meredith"

She sent Alex a strict look and watched him raising his head. His face confirmed her she had identified the problem.

"How is she?"

"What do you think? She feels like crap like it's normal she does" she arranged her hair in a ponytail sighing, Meredith's face appearing in her brain "I left her this morning later I could. I didn't want to leave her alone"

"What is she gonna do?"

"Don't know. Eating… reading… watching tv"

"I don't mean that. Is she going to appeal? Is she going to fight the provision?"

"Why? If anyone changes the version, Mer is screwed"

Cristina saw Reed and Avery exchanging meaningful looks. She opened her locker and closed it violently, all the present flinched. Her patience died on Adamson's face.

"If you have anything to say, just do it"

"I don't…"

"You've been sharing pitiful looks since I got here. You wanna say something? Don't be shy and coward, Reed. Just talk"

"I'm sorry for what happened to Meredith"

"I see"

"No, I am, it's true. But we can't say she didn't look for it"

"Go ahead… it's your moment of glory. Does it make you feel strong? Shooting someone who is lying on the floor?

Adamson opened her mouth in shock and Jackson entered the conversation.

"This isn't fair, Yang"

"No, it's not. But it's true" She pointed her finger against the westerns, rage written all over her face. Cristina felt she needed to push this rock out of her chest. She had been burying her feelings too much lately. Meredith had leant on her and she had to play the strong and wise friend, she couldn't tell her about her fears and worries as they were the same and this would give her the last knock. Derek was in pieces too and, against all the odds, Cristina wasn't mad at him, she didn't resent him. He was on his knees, professionally and humanly. She had tried to wake him up the previous day and in the morning but she perfectly understood his state of mind. He was confused, his nerves were flip flopping, he didn't know where to start his brand new life as he needed one. Meredith and the baby were two firm points in his future but they were behind a curtain and Sheperd didn't know how to tear it without hurting his wife again. And these morons were gloating on her friend's misery and she felt more than annoyed, she felt outraged. "You haven't said a word since this came out and now you're here… smug and happy you got rid of a rival to be feared… better, two rivals. You worked with her… you've been working with her for a while now and you weren't able to say anything but she did look for it. What a good people you are… Siding with people when they're at the top and turn your back when they fall in disgrace. I guess grampy is proud every day"

"You don't get to judge me… or her. Do you think we're really happy about this?"

"You don't make it look like you are not"

"To you… I thought… we thought you were having hard times managing this stuff and we didn't want to bother you. It looks like you're not able to perceive our sensibility… So bad…"

Jackson sent her a cold look and left, followed by Reed. Cristina sighed, rolling her eyes. She hadn't meant to turn her outburst into an argument but she had probably exaggerated. She knew Avery cared about Meredith. They were both jockey and, above all, they both came from a theatrical family. This had made them close, they had confronted their experiences and emotions about that.

Cristina rubbed her eyes, she had been unfair.

She looked up and saw Alex staring at her.

"I screw it up, I know. I lost it for a second"

"How is Meredith?"

Cristina breathed out, she was tired to answer to this question and the truth was that she didn't know the answer. She dropped on the bench near Alex.

"I don't know. She took the firing thing even too good. I don't think she gets what it means… what that would mean. I guess she was too shocked about the FDA decision and is still in apnoea. She feels guilty for Sheperd and is not thinking for herself… She'll go nuts when she stops a second and process the little thing she doesn't work here anymore"

"Is Sheperd at least talking to her?"

"What do you think?"

Cristina shrugged her shoulders.

"He's still running through the hills and insulting her. I tried to ring the bell even this morning but… I don't know if it's good to push him right now. Maybe it's better we let them take their time and discuss things privately"

"I think that too… I talked to Sheperd last day and I thought he was going to kick my ass. He acted all reasonable instead. I didn't expect that from him"

"What do you mean?"

There was no malice and bitterness in Cristina's voice and Alex felt relieved.

"I expected him to kill me, punch me, maltreat me. He just made me feel like shit staring down at me and then…. Basically told me to mind my own business"

"You wanted him to spank you?"

"I wanted him to break down for a second… We kept control and… I don't want Meredith to take even my part of crap"

Their eyes locked and Cristina's lips stretched in a weak smile.

Suddenly she arched her brow and Alex shrugged.

"What?"

"I'm going to take a part of your crap too. Aren't you sorry for me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"One of those two suckers is going to get Chief Resident. I'll have to obey to a western and that's because of you. I want a piece of your ass, Karev"

* * *

Derek had finally pushed his body upstairs.

He had dragged his feet up one step after the other, sighing like he was going to face a jury and not the woman he loved more than life itself.

The corridor was dark and silent, everything was silent.

He had wanted Meredith's roommates out for ages and now they were… everything felt sad and out of place.

Normally this hour the house would be bursting with action. He stopped leaning his hand on the rail, almost expecting Alex's sleepy figure to come out of his room disheveled and heading to the bathroom like a zombie. He looked to a closed door, the stairwell leading upstairs, to Lexie's and Mark's love nest. His mood had succeeded in scaring his decades best friend away.

His eyes drifted to his bedroom.

Every morning he was welcomed by Meredith's giggle and her hot requests to cherish the new day with a quickie.

Where was this life now?

He rolled his eyes sighing when the answer fell on his head like a brick.

It was right where it used to be, behind that door, curled under silky sheets and nightgown.

Only he was stubbornly refusing to stretch his hand and take it back. Or, more accurately, he was not refusing, he couldn't and this what he had to explain Meredith in that moment, without screwing up more.

He took a deep breath and stopped for a moment, his hand already on the doorknob.

His mind was clear on what he had to do and he pushed the door open quietly.

His eyes rested immediately on Meredith, lying under the covers. She was resting on one side but shifted hearing someone entering her private world uninvited.

"Cristina?"

Her voice was hoarse, not sleepy, Derek felt a stab of guiltiness in his chest and closed the door sighing.

"It's me"

He made some step towards the bed and then stopped, his eyes meeting Meredith's for the first time in days.

She was clearly surprised to see him here and Derek himself felt wild feelings invading his body.

He was touched to see her sleepless and shaken in the early morning, he was sorry as he knew his behavior had added a lot to this unhappiness, but he also discovered himself having difficulties to hold her stare. The wound was still wide open.

He rubbed his nose and walked to her side of the bed, realizing Meredith had dropped her head on the pillow again. Probably she thought he just needed clothes or a warm shower but she flinched when she felt the mattress giving out under an added weight. She sent him a questioning look over her shoulder and she rolled on her back, presenting Derek her belly.

He watched mesmerized how round and perfect it was, his eyes lost on the bumps deforming Meredith's belly.

She misled his intentions and closed her eyes, ready to reply the previous day scene. Seconds passed but nothing happened.

Derek was devouring her with his eyes. She was beautiful. The silk gown let her neck and cleavage naked and he had to slow his breath in front of such a beauty show. Her skin was flushed and her lips were calling him. Her round breasts pushed the fabric up and down. Derek had to fight for the second time the unending desire he felt for this woman. He swallowed and cleared his throat.

"I'm not here for this"

His voice sounded a bit strangled and Meredith opened her eyes, panic filling her.

"Oh…"

She leant a hand on her chest, feeling it beating wildly, waiting for the words which were going to shred her life forever.

"I… I came to talk to you"

Meredith felt her eyes moistening and Derek noticed. His heart squeezed and Meredith sniffled. She watched him squirming and diverting his eyes swallowing and rage, mixed to despair, made her snap.

"Just say it, Derek. Let's put an end to our misery"

Cristina was right, he had led this situation too far and Meredith was expecting him to break up with her. Despite the weight still oppressing his chest, he needed to fix it… try at least.

He wasn't sure he could say it… he wasn't sure he was allowed to say it after what he had put Meredith through, the words he had spitted on her face. He wasn't sure he could but it was the only thing he knew for sure.

"I love you"

Meredith kept silent and Derek lowered his gaze. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and looked up shaking his head. He swallowed the knot in his throat and went on.

"I love you and I'm sorry for the awful things I said to you… I… I'm sorry"

Their eyes locked and Derek shivered seeing Meredith crying. He took in a deep breath.

"You hurt me, Mer. You hurt me in a way I can't…" he shook his head and Meredith saw through his eyes, in his bare soul he meant what he was saying "I can't forget it… I couldn't till now. But this doesn't take away I had no right to offend you like I did… it doesn't take away that I love you… and love our baby. But I need to come to terms with everything and I couldn't find the way up to now"

Another tear rolled down her cheek and Meredith brushed it away.

Derek still loved her and probably still wanted her, but he was still mad and hurting. She could read it on his face and get it from his voice. It sounded husky and empty and horribly cold. But he still loved her and that was something she needed to hang on to.

"Do you want to forgive me?"

The question Meredith had popped was simple, almost childish. Derek looked away. Sometimes good will wasn't enough to band wounds. That was the only thing he had learnt from Addison and Mark's affaire. He sighed and Meredith's hope dropped in her stomach.

"I want… but…" he sighed again, his fingers playing with the conditioner.

"You don't know if you can"

"It's not that simple, Meredith. You broke something here" he touched his chest, his voice broken "I know you didn't mean to damage me but it happened… and now… now I need time"

"How much time?"

Derek hadn't an answer to this one and stood, pacing in the room. Meredith saw him raking a hand in his hair and decided to take the plunge. She needed to know and, unlike Derek, time wasn't her alley.

"It's been a week and you took your space"

"I know"

"If you're just here for the baby and don't want me anymore, say it Derek. I'll survive"

Derek's heart skipped a bit and he looked to his wife speechless, hands on his hips.

"I've already told you I came here for you…"

His pager chose that moment to beep frantically and Derek sighed, reading the little screen. He needed to go and all that he wanted was staying there.

"So what now? I'll see you in some day?"

Meredith was still scared he wouldn't show up anymore and he couldn't really blame her. He had disappeared for some day and, when they had met, he hadn't been that kind to her. They had started a conversation but just scratched the surface of what they needed to say to each other.

"We need to talk, Meredith"

"So you know where to find me"

She dropped back into the bed giving her back to him.

Derek heard her sniffling and swallowed, closing the door behind his back.

* * *

Cristina kept squinting but her eyes always showed the same result.

"Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital – Chief Resident – DR. Reed Adamson"

"What the hell was your boyfriend thinking?"

Alex voiced her own doubt and Cristina breathed out.

"I don't know"

"Did you close your legs or gave him some bad one?"

Cristina rolled her eyes sending him a strict look. She didn't need Karev's irony right now. Conforming to Reed's directives for the next two years was already depressing, Alex's sense of humor… too much. She caught in the corner of her eye two people coming closer.

Nobody else than the Westerns.

She sighed preparing for the shower of humility which was waiting for her.

A shoulder brushed hers and she waited for the second round.

Revenge was a dish best served cold.

"Oh my God…"

Adamson's pitched voice bounced in the little space, Yang turned to look at her and swallowed, she had covered her mouth with both hands, her eyes wide in surprise.

Big surprise.

Avery smiled sincerely to her friend patting her shoulder.

"Congratulations"

"Do you think this is serious? Isn't it a joke?"

"Of course it's not. You're the Chief Resident. Remember I'm your friend"

He smirked walking away and Alex himself mumbled a muffled "congratulations" before disappearing. Reed and Cristina stood in silence in front of the board, ignoring each other. Yang had a cheering on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't force her mouth to open and let it out. She cleared her throat and sank both hands in her pockets. She could play with her cell while during this… squeezing the plastic to win the strong feeling she had to choke that stupid boyfriend of hers. She put a good face on and smiled to Reed.

"Congratulations"

She walked away before uttering anything else.

She needed a good surgery, a bloody surgery to survive this day.

She pushed the button of the elevator hoping it would get soon and possibly empty.

Karma didn't love her.

The doors opened and Owen stepped out, already in his coat.

He smiled and leant ahead to kiss her but Cristina put a hand on his chest stopping him. He raised his brows quizzically.

"What?"

"I just had to suicide myself professionally because of you"

His forehead furrowed and he made a step back.

"What do you mean?"

"Adamson? Seriously?"

Owen got the object of their speech and turned serious. He was sure Cristina would argue about his decision, but not there, in the mid of a crowded hallway where everybody could hear.

"Yes, dr. Yang. She was my choice"

"I can't believe it"

"Well you should. Make a reason of it"

He walked away and Cristina snorted opening her arms.

She needed a very bloody surgery.

* * *

Webber was sitting in a conference room, his fingers lazily drumming on the crystal table.

He heard footsteps and voices in the hallway and adjusted the knot of his tie, he wanted to look perfect for this meeting.

The door opened and Jennings and other members of the Board stepped in, greeting him and shaking his hand.

Richard sat again clearing his throat, the folder of Sheper's trial jam in front of him.

Jennings opened his own file, setting glasses on his nose, and everybody in the room silenced.

"So… I sent everybody of you a memo to organize this meeting. I informed you about the… end of Sheperd's trial and the decisions the FDA took against him. Fortunately, these consequences didn't reverse on the hospital but… dr. Webber has already fired dr. Grey and today we're here to close the matter definitely. I've already pointed out our disappointment about this story. SGMW is a big hospital… a reference for the West Coast… a place investors need to trust to put their money into… This incident puts a big shadow on everything. Especially if we consider that the responsible is the future Chief of Surgery…"

"Had to be the future Chief"

Richard sighed in front of Mrs. Gaynor's correction. He shifted on the sit and cleared his throat.

"Before we keep discussing… I guess there's something you should know" his eyes locked with Jennings' and he saw the man straightening up against the backrest. "Something you didn't know yesterday. And I guess that it could change your perspective on the whole thing"

"What are you talking about, Webber?"

"Something awfully simple: you took measures and acted against the wrong person… and you risk to do it again. I guess the events invested me and I was too confused to stop you yesterday but… it all ends here"

Webber sighed, realizing the end of this mess would put a closure to his experience and story as Chief of Surgery as well, but after all, he had spent enough time making a reason of it and he was ready.

"Dr. Grey didn't mess up the files of Sheperd's trial, I did"

"Excuse me?"

Webber ignored the absolute incredulity painting on Jennings' face and went on.

"That's the truth and I think you should withdraw the disciplinary action against her"

"Do you think this is going to be enough?" Mrs. Gaynor's unpleasant and nasal voice sounded in the room and Webber looked to her "You had all the time to come out, Webber, and you kept silent. Why all this wish to point out the truth comes out just now?"

"I don't want other people to pay for me"

"Well… from what I was told, you didn't budge a finger yesterday when the FDA blackmailed one of the most promising surgeon of our country. Where was your conscience then?"

"Right where it's now. I just thought that… the consequences would have been less heavy. And since what I did has very personal reasons… as I told you I was a bit confused and overcome by events"

A thick silence fell in the room and Jennings sent a questioning look to all the other members. Fortunately, they looked much more available than Mrs. Gaynor.

"Webber… Richard… you know that we all respect you and are grateful to you for all that you did along these years for the hospital… but if you really did what you've just assessed you did, I need something more. And I need it now"

"I know. My wife… was diagnosed with Alzheimer two months ago. Sheperd diagnosed her. I couldn't accept it but the evidences of the tests were too clear to be neglected"

"I'm sorry"

Webber nodded, he knew Henry Jennings was sincere.

"I tried to have Sheperd admit her in the trial but she didn't fit all criteria. He asked for a derogation and he got it. But my wife's situation was progressing too fast and I couldn't wait… I couldn't risk she would get the placebo and not the active agent. So… after the one and only patient of Derek's trial died, I offered to put the files in order at his place. I followed the nurse, the one and only nurse who had the security codes, and stole them. The dead patient had been appointed to get the drug and I switched his file with Adele's. That's how things worked"

"And why would Dr. Grey take the fault for you?"

"She discovered me… She knew all the situation and decided to keep my secret. But then Dr. Sheperd got to know and reported her. And everything spin out of control"

Webber diverted his eyes and sighed. The Board members were all silent and he tried to push the discussion a little bit further.

"You fired… you told me to fire Meredith Grey but I was the one who deserved that. So now… if you're willing to resettle the truth… if you're willing to respect the principles you wanted to protect… I expect you'll reinstate her, effect immediate"

"So nobody is going to pay for this?"

Mrs. Gaynor pierced him with her thin, cold eyes.

"I'm the one who has to pay. Fire me. Unless making a hasty justice is what you want to do"

"We want to know how this happened, Richard" Jennings added out of breath "and you told us. I'm sorry for your wife"

Webber breathed out. He felt relieved.

"So… what now?"

"We need to discuss about the new progression… decide about your position… Grey's and Sheperd's. Is there anything you want to add?"

"No"

Mrs. Gaynor cleared her throat and Jennings looked to her strictly. This woman was really unpleasant and the only feeling everyone shared in that room was right that.

"Greta?"

"I just want to be sure I got the new facts straight. Dr. Webber… are you really trying to let us think that you did this… and Dr. Sheperd, after he asked for a derogation to force your wife into his trial… didn't know anything?"

"I'm not trying to let you think, I'm telling you he didn't"

"And we should trust your version?"

Webber opened his mouth to speak but Jennings beat him.

"Why shouldn't we?"

Mrs. Gaynor sent him a pitiful look and Webber perceived that, probably, this wasn't the first time the Board discussed of the surgery department and its internal dynamics.

"As our meetings are full of episodes of Webber's permissiveness over these two. They broke rules several times and we've always closed an eye as they brought light to the hospital. I think this last stunt should push us to change our politics. And suggest us to be careful as his bonds with dr. Sheperd and Grey could cloud his idea of truth"

Jennings shifted uncomfortably on his chair expecting a violent reaction from Webber. But it didn't come.

"How I decided to manage my personal relationships has nothing to do with you as it never affected my acting within the hospital. I have a special bound with dr. Sheperd and I have never hidden I do. It's written everywhere and it was why he decided to accept our offer instead of the dozens better he got some years ago. But now it's not this you have to consider… not my relationships but yours. I told you what happened and you should start from there as it's the truth. And remember you have some outstanding balance with Sheperd… Don't drag him in the mess I made with my own hands"

Webber stood and, to his surprise, many of the members did the same. He left that conference room and headed to Seattle Grace.

* * *

"Micro forceps, please"

Derek stretched his hand, his eyes never leaving the patient on the table.

The page he had received in the early morning had sucked him directly into the OR, engulfing his morning and schedule. Or no schedule.

The procedure was going to be tough and Derek sighed.

Another young man on his table, another motorcycle crash.

He had given up himself that means of transport as it was too dangerous; too dangerous the people riding bikes like they were racing, too dangerous the drivers distracted by chaotic lives.

The road was the first killer of the country, it was relentless and nonstop.

Sheperd raised his eyes from the operating field, the light was bothering him and he looked to his trusted nurse.

"Would you please move that light, please? It's blinding me"

He closed his eyelids for a second and the present shared a worried look. Dr. Sheperd was always careful to prepare his OR, he settled lights before not to waste time or take unnecessary risks. Today he looked much more sensitive than ever.

The nurse obliged.

"Of course, dr. Sheperd"

She took the lamp and turned it till Derek got his perfect visualization and optimal conditions.

"Thank you… I'm sorry… We rushed into the OR and I didn't take care of it myself"

"It's not a problem, sir"

"It is…"

Derek looked over his shoulder to interns assisting to the surgery. They were busy in scribbling notes on their pads and he had given them a negative example.

"Who can tell me which are the first things to check into an OR?"

The young doctors looked to each other raising brows, Lexie's voice merged from the mumbles.

"Equipment…"

"Right… but don't say it to nurses"

"Environmental conditions…"

"You make it sound like we're going to the seaside and we need to check the weather"

The other interns laughed and the noise overcame the sound of the door hissing open.

"I meant… temperature, ventilation and lights"

"Why is temperature so important, dr. Miller?"

The young doctor stopped laughing and cleared his throat.

"Uhm… to work in comfortable conditions?"

"Yeah… right… ask a nurse for a fruity cocktail to make you more comfortable"

A laughter filled the room and the intern blushed.

Mark's voice boomed into the OR.

"You used to ask more to get comfortable, Shep"

Derek raised his eyes from the table, sighing. Mark Sloan had the power to turn everything in dirty. Nurses and interns were doing their best to keep it together and Mark got his gaffe.

"I meant… your favorite cap and crappy music… I wasn't meaning… that"

"Right… Let's go back working, doctors. I had popped a question to let you know this morning I made a mistake" his mind drifted to his speech with Meredith and he sighed, shaking his head. Mark got he was thinking to everything but the OR "I forgot to check the staging of my OR. It shouldn't happen"

"A lot of things shouldn't happen, Derek"

Mark's rich voice sounded in front of Sheperd, he looked up and saw his friend standing in front of the table, hands closed in front of his chest. He sighed, looking down.

"Yeah… you're right. It shouldn't happen that this guy got rammed by a teenager and flew into the other line. A car crashed him and his sciatic nerve is severed. He may not walk again"

"If there's a chance he can do it again… you're gonna do it"

Derek laughed, his eyes wandering in the room.

"I like it when someone trusts me so blindly… It makes me feel invincible. Which I'm not. The nerve can't be saved. We'll need to try a reconstruction later. How do we proceed?"

"We fix the nerve to a tendon and close him up"

"Perfect…" he worked in silence for some second and then looked up, shortly meeting Mar's stare "You needed something?"

"No. Torres wanted to know how much you're going to be in here and she sent me. Do you mind if I stay?"

"No… I was starting to wonder when you were going to show up"

"I've always been here"

"Confidential and respectful of my space… The world really crumbled down"

Derek sent a quick look to his friend shifting his weight. Mark was looking at him.

"I was told cornering people is not the best solution sometimes…"

"Probably. I use to find shelter in open spaces so… black boxes don't fit me" he pulled a string with the severed nerve and looked for a moment to his work "I fell asleep looking to the sky… I woke up under the sky"

"I've never known how many starts peppered the sky since we moved down here"

"But… it's not the place you are… it's more like you feel"

There's was a melancholic note in Derek's voice and Mark decided to warm up the room.

"You look way too cleaned up for someone who slept on the grass"

"Fortunately there are showers, Mark"

"I don't know if it's a fortune if you mean that bag peeing water which is hanging to that tree near your trailer. How can you enjoy that?"

"It's awfully relaxing. It's you and the nature and nothing else"

"And a flu waiting for you. If a bear doesn't bite your ass before"

"My ass is just fine, thanks for your concern…" He sighed taking gauzes out of the wound. "I'm done. Please close up, dr. Keller"

Derek stepped back from the table and pulled his helmet down, he marched towards the exit of the OR pulling gloves off. Mark arched a brow towards Lexie and then followed Derek, finding him in front of the sink to scrub out. He pulled his mask down.

"You ok?"

"Yeah"

Sheperd was washing his hands energetically and Sloan got he was ruminating on something.

"So… open air night means you didn't go home" Derek kept his eyes down on the sink and sighed.

"I didn't… till this morning. I needed to talk to Meredith"

"I heard about the firing. How is she?"

"What do you think? This whole mess fell on her head and I did mine to make it worse"

"But you cleared it, right?"

"Not yet… I need to go now. Tell Jordan's parents their son will be stuck on a wheel chair for a long time"

"You need help?"

"No… I'm gonna do it"

Derek left, the door swung open and then closed and Mark pulled the mask away, throwing it in the bin. The door leading to the OR hissed and he saw Lexie entering the scrub room.

"Hey"

He got closer but she pushed him away, snorting.

"What's wrong?"

"You just can't control your tongue, can you?"

"What?"

Mark opened his arms in disbelief, frowning. Lexie threw her mask in the bin, furious and Sloan got closer, trying to touch her arm. She stepped back.

"Seriously, Lex… what's your problem?"

"My problem is that you can't keep your mouth shut and behave. Was that really necessary?"

"What?"

"You coming into that OR and seed malice all around"

"I didn't"

"You did! And I'm tired my friends look at me like I'm your sex slave"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Everybody in that room got you were talking about blowjobs and other dirty stuff"

Sloan's eyes grew wide and Lexie rolled her eyes.

"And don't even try to deny it!"

"Lexie, slow down. I didn't mean that at all. It was a New York thing and I just wanted to cheer Derek up. I got it sounded dirty but it was not my intention"

"Sure"

"Can you just give me the benefit of the doubt?"

"I could if you tried to respect me here. I can be whatever you want in the close of our house but here… here I'm a doctor and a woman and I don't want people to treat me like a slut"

She stormed out and Mark tried to call her back. Lexie just ignored him and Sloan watched her walking away.

* * *

"Is mrs. Jenkins good?"

Owen approached Reed in the ER, it had been a busy day and he had delegated her the trauma patients. Adamson looked up and nodded smiling.

"Yes, it was just a contusion. The CT came back clean. I'll keep her monitored for some more hour and then let her go home"

"Good"

"Yeah… possibly before her favorite program starts tonight… it looks like missing it is her only concern"

"Good this way" Owen relaxed, sinking his hands in the labcoat pockets "it means you made her sure enough to worry about this program and not her health. I go back to the floor since everything is ok here".

He turned to leave and Reed swallowed, clearing her throat.

"Dr. Hunt…"

"Yes?" He turned on his heels looking to her.

"I just wanted to thank you for the nominee" Owen nodded smiling "I really appreciate your trust and… I hope I won't deceive you"

"It's not me you need to make proud, Reed"

"I know… but you believed in me and I thank you. I know there were candidates better than me… they all were probably better than me"

"It takes a lot of things to be a good Chief Resident, Reed. Maybe others have better medical skills now but I chose you and that means something. It should mean something even to you"

"Thank you, sir"

"So just take the hold and let me know if you need anything. Things are pretty messed up right now and we need to put things in order as soon as we can"

"I'll do my best"

"I know"

He smiled to her and walked away, pushing the door open and almost bumping into Cristina.

"Hey"

"Hi" her voice was cold and Hunt frowned. He arched a brow quizzically noticing she was looking beyond his shoulders. She breathed out and looked to him "Now you became her hero… she can't take her eyes out of you"

"What?"

Cristina raised her brow and Hunt followed her gaze, Reed was still looking at him.

"See? You made your own Frankenstein today"

She tried to walk away but Owen grabbed her elbow and she turned to look at him.

"Can we talk about this?"

"I don't think there's anything to discuss. You made your decision and I hope you'll be good with it"

"I'm very good with it but it looks like you're not. I was ready for it but I didn't think you would openly question me in the hallways. So, now…" he took her shoulders and turned her, pushing her down the corridor "you're gonna come with me for five minutes"

Cristina snorted rolling her eyes and gulped when Hunt changed suddenly direction and they found in front of an On Call Room. He opened the door and pushed her inside, closing the door.

"I won't accept sex as apology"

Owen chuckled for her arrogance and set both hands on his hips.

"Who said I wanted to apologize?"

Cristina's face painted in surprise and incredulity. She leant her back against the bunk bed snorting and Owen got closer.

"I thought I had already told you I wasn't going to pick you"

"Oh yes… but that was before Alex screwed Meredith and himself along with it"

"You thought this could change facts and my choice?"

"Obliging you to pick me among Reed and Avery? Yes, I thought that"

"I didn't scratch you as we're together and I didn't scratch you as I thought Grey or Karev were better doctors… you know those weren't the motivations"

"Oh I know… the motivation was that I would hate the job and you wanted to protect me"

"Yes… in part"

Cristina looked to him arching her brows.

"And what would be the other part?"

Owen looked away sighing. If Cristina had taken bad his choice, she was going to take even worse the reasons of it. He shook his head looking to her and she giggled.

"What is it, Owen? Can't you even explain it to me?"

"I don't want to fight on this"

"Why should we fight? If you took your decision fairly I may be not happy about it but I can live with it"

"I'm not that sure"

"Try me"

"Ok…" he sat on the bed rubbing his temples "I wasn't going to pick you before. I had planned to give it to Karev. Then I was left with three names on the table and I started to think. As surgeon… there's nobody like you. But you're too aware of it and, temperamentally, it makes you unsuitable to be a good Chief Resident"

He looked up, sighing when he realized the hurt painted on Cristina's face.

"Let's point things straight…. You didn't choose me as I'm too arrogant and self-confident?"

"No… I didn't choose you as your arrogance cuts people out and, when you don't respect people, you can't manage them"

"Oh…" Cristina paced in the room, her hand on her sides, Owen saw she was fuming and ready to explode. She leant against the door and locked eyes with him "so… I guess a fearful and weak person like Reed can do it instead…"

"I don't know if she can… but I know her well enough to be sure she'll try. She'll respect you and…"

"She'll respect me as hell, Owen. She doesn't know half things I do"

"You see? That's the reason I couldn't give it to you"

Cristina shook her head in disbelief and Owen stood, approaching her.

"Being the best is a great responsibility, Cristina. You shouldn't use it against others but make it a resource"

"I'm a hospital resource"

"It's not enough. You should be a resource to anyone, including Reed and colleagues less talented than you. How could I choose you if you don't even consider her?"

"I do consider her but I don't consider her a good doctor. Do I have to feel bad about it?"

"Now… no. But that's the reason you'll have hard times to get responsibilities in the future"

"What does it mean?"

"In your career you'll work with a lot of people, Cristina. And many of those people will be less prepared than you, less good. You need to learn to respect them and work with them in the same you'd work with me. Otherwise… you'll have hard times in front of you. I hoped your fight with Teddy had taught something to you"

"It has, but I don't see how it fits here. Reed Adamson is inaccurate, do you really think she can manage our team properly?"

"She will if you all help her. And I think it will make good for her personality too"

"So this is a sort of training?"

"Call it like that if it makes you feel better"

Cristina laughed and took the doorknob, ready to leave.

"Right now nothing can make me feel better. Especially the fact that you think I'm nothing but an arrogant, full of herself bitch… I hoped you looked beyond appearances"

She opened the door and left, Owen raked a hand in his hair and sank on the bed. He laid down, rubbing his eyes and switching the light off. He stayed there in silence, feeling a knot in his throat. He had meant to tell Cristina these things, not to spit them on her face. He had meant to make this useful for her future, it had revolved against him. The door opened and hope filled his heart. He heard the door closing and breathed out. He had to be the first to say something.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to say it like that but… I'm just trying to help"

"Hunt?"

Owen straightened up and switched on the light, he had recognized Derek from the voice and he had been right. Sheperd was standing in front of the door, he was looking to him concerned.

"I'm sorry… I thought you were… don't mind"

He sighed falling back on the mattress and Derek sat on the opposite bed raking a hand in his hair.

"I guess Cristina didn't take it good"

"At all. She's been triggering me since the news went public. I tried to talk to her but it all came back on me"

"Just let her time to digest it. Cristina is competitive but she'll make a reason of it"

"It's what I thought too. Now I'm not that sure" he rubbed his face tiredly sighing. "Why women have to be so complicated?"

"I don't know"

Derek gave him a weak smile and then breathed out. Owen felt guilty, he knew Sheperd was having another rough day at work.

"I heard you had a pretty tough case"

"I did… my patient lost the use of the left leg. 16 years old… I've just talked to the family"

"I'm sorry. Is it permanent?"

"We'll try with a reconstructive surgery but… it will take months"

"Crap… and how did it go with Meredith?"

"I have no idea…" Derek shook his head and Owen let him time to go ahead if he wanted "I think she was really expecting me to break up with her… she thought I was there just for the baby"

"But you proved her differently"

"I tried. But when I tell her I need time…she doesn't get it"

"I'm sorry… I'd like to tell you something wise but… I'm not the right person"

"It's fine… I'm gonna see her after work… I need to fix this"

"You'll find a way, Derek. I know you'll do"

"And you'll sort things out with Cristina"

They shared a look and Owen chuckled.

"This looks like a self-convincing session"

"And maybe it is"

Derek sighed when his pager beeped.

"Your patient?"

"The Chief… he had a meeting with the board this morning"

Sheperd straightened up and wore his labcoat.

"Maybe he found a way to get Meredith back"

"Maybe… or maybe he's going to tell me the Board retired my promotion"

"What?"

"Jennings wasn't very happy about the bad endorsement I bought the hospital" Derek met Owen's eyes and raked a hand in his hair "I don't know why but… I'm not so disappointed about the perspective"

"You have a lot on your plate, Sheperd. Don't rush into sudden conclusions"

"It's not sudden. This Chief thing is going on for too much now… I wanted it… There was a moment I wanted it… but it was long time ago and now the feeling is gone. I want to know my baby… that's all I want"

"Well… remember this when you talk to Meredith and everything is going to be fine"

"Thank you. Good luck to you too. Let me know if you need anything… I have a spare sleeping bag in my land"

Owen resettled on the pillow while the door closed. He turned off the light sighing.

* * *

"Hey Chief… how are things going?"

Reed smiled hearing Avery's voice behind her, she stopped and waited for him.

"Good… I had a good morning. Hunt gave me the ER and I didn't kill anyone so… it went fine"

"So this was your best expectation?"

Reed got serious and looked around, spotting dr. Bailey leaning at the nurses station filling a chart. She sent a quick look to Jackson and then approached her former boss.

"No… it was a joke, dr. Bailey"

"I hope it was. As, if you didn't realize it, you've got greater responsibilities now"

"I'm perfectly aware of it"

"Good… as anybody here will be waiting for you to fall on your face and it's better you get prepared"

"Why are you telling me this?"

Miranda shrugged.

"Just a warning. I guess not all of your friends took the news good"

"Except for him… nobody did"

"And you'd be a fool if you expected differently. The hospital is a zoo, Adamson. There is competition and fights… every day we fight to survive… you need to show your teeth or they'll eat you alive"

"Ok…"

Bailey laughed and went back to her chart and Avery and Reed walked away.

"Were you trying to scare her?"

Miranda raised her eye and then looked back to her papers, Webber's figure towering her.

"No. Just straightening things up… She expects honors and will get slaps instead. I just wanted her to know"

"I guess Hunt explained her profusely what she has to do"

"If you say so…"

Webber frowned closing his arms in front of his chest.

"Are you criticizing Hunt's decision, Bailey?"

"Won't you?"

"No… I gave him total freedom and independence to choose. And I have to say I was surprised… in a good way"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. It was a courageous decision, out of schemes and…"

"General common sense"

Webber looked to her strictly and sighed.

"Previsions… You should know better than anyone else that sometimes people appointed to make choices have further motivations"

"If you're referring to the choice you made on Torres over me, I do know better than anyone else sometimes these choices turn out to be wrong…"

"Only time will say it"

"And we'll be here to wait and see"

"Bailey…"

"Why do you care so much if I disagree? It's my right, isn't it?"

"It is. But this department is already shaking and I don't need people who row against"

"I'm not rowing"

"But you're just standing there waiting for Adamson to fail. It's not an encouragement"

Bailey shifted her weight and narrowed her eyes, clearing her throat. She started to talk with her very Bailey-knows-everything tone.

"Chief… You know me and you know I won't do anything like that. If Hunt chose that, I'll respect it. But I can't say I would have done the same choice"

"What would have you done?"

"I…" she stopped, her mouth half open and rolled her eyes "I…"

"You don't know, do you?" Bailey sighed and Webber smiled to her "It's far more difficult to build than destroy. Hunt had a very tough situation to unravel. If he decided to choose Adamson over his girlfriend, I think you should at least try to understand why he did it. He dissected the whole thing and decided very maturely. I'm happy I delegated this to him"

Bailey saw something on the Chief's face and she got serious.

"What is it?"

"Excuse me?"

"What is that smug face of yours?"

"I don't understand…."

"You may it sound like you put Hunt under some kind of test…"

"No…"

"You did…"

"No… I have just delegated him this choice as I trusted him. I didn't need to test anything"

"Ok…" Bailey set the chart back and Richard got she was not convinced.

"Bailey…"

"If you say it wasn't a test I trust you"

"You don't"

"It's just…" Webber straightened up, crossing his arms across his chest and Bailey swallowed.

"Go ahead, please"

"You said it yourself… this department is already crumbling down and we've got a surprise today. We wouldn't need another one"

"What is this supposed to mean?"

"Right what I told you and I guess you got the message straight, Chief. Is anything else you need from me?"

"I just wanted to know if you've decided about the trial. It's been two days and you didn't give me an answer"

"That's because you didn't get blackmailed and the hospital didn't either. I assumed we were beyond this argument"

"Did I tell you I had withdrawn my offer?"

"No… but…" it was Bailey's turn to straighten up, her eyes narrowing in disbelief. She chuckled and shook her head. "I was not wrong about surprises apparently"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm gonna take over your trial if you don't want it anymore. And, with all due respect, I hope you know what you're up for, Chief"

She walked away and Richard saw her disappear behind a corner.

* * *

Cristina had found solace on a bench outside the hospital.

It was far beyond lunch time and she was sitting alone, enjoying the sun and the fresh breeze, chewing a rubber sandwich she had bought from a vending machine.

She closed her eyes for a moment to relax but snorted when she realized it was impossible.

Her fight with Owen was still alive in her head.

She had been unfair, she knew it, but something had snapped when Owen had explainer her his reasons. His perfect good and well-advised reasons.

She was really like that, she couldn't deny it.

She was so proud and sure of herself that doctors like Adamson were delegated to second row, inferior class, nothing to learn from. And she got it was a mistake.

Medicine wasn't a closed circus, not at her stage at least.

She had still a long way to go and the fact she was ahead in comparison to Reed and other people didn't mean things would be the same at the end of the journey.

She felt they would but it was just out of presumption.

Owen had meant to give a lesson to this side of her personality, he had meant to make her understand and grow better but she had rejected the advice and reacted senselessly. He had cut her in bare flesh and she had felt hurt.

The same hurt she had read in his eyes as he hadn't expected her to criticize his choice publicly, not when he had profusely explained her a part of his reasons.

She sighed and raked a hand in her curly hair. It was a bad period and she had probably been over sensitive. She was highly strung and aggressed everybody who dared to talk to her.

Adamson and Avery had paid duty in the morning, Owen in the afternoon.

Meredith's absence was really hitting her; Cristina felt lonely, orphan. She had underestimated this problem on her skin, she had tried to focus on her friend's situation and neglected the consequences on herself. Working in Seattle Grace without her person was a half pleasure, Meredith was the only one she wanted to tell of her surgeries, of her achievements, of her day. She felt incomplete knowing she wouldn't be there for her anymore.

Out of instinct she grabbed her phone and composed Meredith's number.

One ring, two, three.

"Hallo?"

"Hey… how is it going?"

"Good"

Cristina frowned when she heard Meredith panting in the phone.

"Are you doing housework? As if I didn't know you… I'd say you have post sex breathing"

Cristina set a fry in her mouth and Meredith snorted in her ear.

"This is not post sex breathing… it's walking breathing"

"Oh… are you jogging in the garden?"

"No. I went downtown… I just couldn't stay home the whole day watching stupid talk shows and soaps"

"You did good. It's a beautiful day" she stretched her legs in front of the bench "I'm having my late lunch outside and it feels good"

"You're outside? Everything is ok?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You never leave the hospital… I had to drag you out when I wanted to eat outside and I did it twice in five years so… I assumed something could be wrong"

"Actually I had a fight with Owen…"

"About what?"

"Hospital stuff…" Cristina ate another fry and chewed it "He gave Chief Resident to Adamson"

"No way!"

"He did… and I got pissed as he told me I was too arrogant to be appointed…"

"Jackass…"

"You know what? The worst thing is that I think he's right…"

"What?"

"He is. I would hand down judgments and not be a good Chief… I guess I got mad as he shoved it into my face"

"You're growing soft… you know?"

Cristina rolled her eyes hearing Meredith giggling.

"Whatever… so where are you?"

"I don't think you want to know it…"

"Why?"

"As it's kind of pathetic and it was casual…"

"Really Mer… where are you?"

"Here"

Meredith's voice didn't come through the receiver and Cristina looked up, surprised. Meredith switched off her cell and sat near her snorting, her eyes darting towards the entrance.

"What are you doing here?"

"I went to the shop to check if our nursery had been delivered…" she crinkled her nose grimacing "do you think it's pathetic?"

Cristina's face softened and she smiled.

"No… if I had to stay home I would go nuts too" she patted Meredith's thigh "so… did the furniture arrive?"

"Yes" her person's face opened in a wide smile "and it's perfect. I didn't pick it up as it's a lot of stuff and I wouldn't be able to put it together. I'll tell Derek to go…" she locked eyes with Cristina and then looked away "if he ever speaks to me again…"

"Didn't McAss talk to you this morning?"

"He did… but I snapped and scared him away"

"He'll drag his sorry ass home, you'll see. Just don't be too harsh…"

"I know. I guess I was expecting bad things and lost my nerve as compensation… I ate his head…"

"You did some step forward anyway… Everything is going to be fine"

"Don't know. I have the feeling Derek is keeping something from me"

"Just don't cross the bridge before coming to it… Listen and judge"

"You're really growing soft…"

They both giggled and Meredith looked away.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing…"

"Really? Ok… listen to that…" Cristina straightened on the bench and cleared her throat, talking with a deep and solemn voice "Mer… just hold his balls and squeeze harder…"

They both burst out laughing and Cristina relaxed completely, it was much easier now Meredith was there with her. The moment of hilarity faded and Meredith got serious.

"That sounded great… but I guess if I squeezed tighter I could kill this time… and he doesn't deserve it so… I'll keep the squashing for Mc Peanut's birth"

"How is my kid behaving?"

Cristina splayed her palm on Meredith's belly and felt movements.

"Agitated. It didn't like shopping"

"I feel that… Now I get while you were panting in the phone. Your belly grew huge, Mer"

"Don't I know it… I had to go and buy new pants. I feel like I'm busting"

She stood and Cristina did too, looking at her again. She raised her brows and smirked.

"You could afford a new blouse too, Mer. Watch your buttons before they turn into lethal weapons"

"Bitch"

"I'm just saying… Your boobs are like hot-air balloons"

"I'm sore" Meredith cupped her breasts snorting. "I think I'm going to Joe's for a snack"

"Mer…"

"What? Mc peanut is hungry… and I need to eat. I'm depressed and a big hamburger is going to make me feel better"

"Ok… just one, ok?"

"I promise"

Cristina's pager beeped and she looked at it. She sighed and looked up to Meredith, a guilty expression painting on her face.

"Go save lives"

"Ok… go feed my creature… I'll call you later, ok?"

"Ok"

* * *

Derek entered into a conference room out of breath.

He stopped on the door seeing Jennigs sitting at the table.

He checked his pager and frowned realizing he hadn't misunderstood the place of the meeting.

"Dr. Sheperd…"

"Mr. Jennings… I was paged here but…"

"Yeah… I paged you. Just come in"

The man straightened in his chair and Derek closed the door, he made some step forward waiting for instructions, his hand deep in his pockets. Mr. Jennings looked up and arched his brows.

"Sit please…"

Sheperd sat in front of him, nervousness raising in the pit of his stomach.

"So… as you probably remember we had a meeting this morning. We wanted to define your trial and solve the pending situations with you and Dr. Grey". Derek nodded silently. "I have to say the situation changed completely from a couple of days ago and yesterday"

"Excuse me?"

"We came to know new details…"

"I don't understand"

Jennings opened his mouth to speak again but he stopped when someone knocked. Sheperd raised his eyes and saw Richard entering the room.

"Sorry, I'm late"

"We've just got started"

Webber sat near Jennings and Derek looked at him worried. The bad sensation raised when he noticed Richard was avoiding his stare. Henry cleared his throat and Derek focused on him.

"I was reminding dr. Sheperd about the meeting and informed him about the change of picture… We based our decisions on the belief dr. Grey had switched files and made everything on her own. Now we know things didn't go like that"

"What?"

Jennings breathed out in front of Sheperd's reaction. He didn't know how to manage this story, probably getting to the core of it quickly could be the best solution.

"Apparently dr. Grey was covering someone else"

"No… she did all by herself"

"So we were told at first but…" his eyes lingered for a moment on Webber and he breathed out preparing to the big reveal "she was covering dr. Webber"

Astonishment painted on Derek's face. He shook his head and his gaze moved on Richard. The Chief looked up and sighed.

"I'm sorry I messed up your trial, Derek"

Sheperd couldn't believe his ears and, above all, he hadn't a clue of what was going on in that room. Jennings broke the silence, he cleared his throat.

"So… we evaluated the whole situation all over again… this changes something, but not everything. To tell the truth the Board expressed doubts and still has some reservation on this new draw"

"What kind of reservation? I answered all your questions profusely this morning"

Derek could get Richard was bothered, probably he hadn't foreseen the Board wouldn't drink his new version of facts. Jennings didn't look impressed or intimidated though. He held his stare and talked again.

"You did. But some member was still…uncertain on your disclosures"

"If Mrs. Gaynor…"

"It's not just about her" Jennings cut Richard before he could go on with his argument. He cleared his throat again and both Sheperd and Webber got he didn't like himself what he was going to say.

"We met and discussed and the concerns came from more than one side. I have to tell you this for intellectual honesty"

"What did you conclude?"

"We're ready to accept your explanation. Your wife's situation is enough to push you to break rules and do something like that… but we can't accept neither dr. Sheperd nor Grey did anything to stop you"

"He didn't do anything as he didn't know"

"Ok… but his wife did. And it's our strong opinion she was a party to your actions for two reasons. She cared for Adele as the two of you have a personal story behind your back. She thought she could dare to break protocols like that as her husband would allow her to"

"This isn't true" spat Richard but Derek got the decision had been made and it was senseless to argue against Jennings. The man was embarrassed enough and it was useless to put more strain on him.

"Richard… just let him finish"

"No, I can't. The premises of these decisions are wrong and nothing which will come out of this will be correct"

"Anything in this mess is correct, Webber. You let things go too far. The FDA came here and they have already pronounced. You can't expect we neglect everything has been done till now" Jennings breathed out and looked to Derek "The Board can't let the both of you go away with no consequence, dr. Sheperd"

"So you are going to propose me a trade"

Jennings looked down on his note and then nodded.

"We are ready to reinstate your wife in her job, but we can't give you Chief"

"This is a non-sense, Jennings"

Richard almost barked in his ears but Henry ignored him.

"Otherwise… seeing we don't know which are your actual relationship with dr. Grey… we can confirm her removal and proceed like plans to your promotion"

Webber backed against his chair, Sheperd could see he was furious.

"You're blackmailing him for the second time and it's totally inappropriate"

"I'm sorry, Webber. It's the best trade I got. And I worked really hard to achieve it. We had invested a lot on you, dr. Sheperd, we still will do it and this eventual delay in your career wouldn't change anything. I just thought kicking your wife away wasn't probably the best way to root you here. Job mixed to personal here… and it's a land I'm not very willing to explore. I'll let you choose… and I hope you'll understand I proposed and forced this trade just for you. If, like I wish you, your personal life survived this earthquake, you'll know how to decide. If it didn't, you'll know it anyway. The Board proved to be very flexible on this occasion and, just to be clear, we did it as we had an obligation towards you… for what had happened with dr. Kepner. Let me know your decision by the end of the day"

He picked up his documents and left the room, closing the door behind his back.

Richard sighed when his eyes focused on Derek.

His former student had buried his face in both hands and, once again, looked completely crushed by the situation.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean things to go like that"

He waited for an explosion of anger but, surprisingly, Sheperd laughed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"How did you mean them?"

There was a strong tone of reproach and astonishment in his voice and Richard breathed out without answering. Derek lowered his hand and their eyes locked. He was calm apparently, but Webber knew him enough to get he was forcing himself to keep calm.

"How did you think they were going?" he slammed his hand on the table and stood, fuming. "You lied, Richard. You lied to everyone!"

"I had to do that!"

"Why?"

"I couldn't let Meredith take the blame for this"

"She has the blame for this!"

"She was just trying to help me and Adele. When will you stop punishing her for that?"

"That's none of your business…"

"It is instead. What is it that you want, Derek?"

Sheperd sent Richard a strict look and then started to pace in the room, hands on his hips. He was trying to cool down and think straight but Richard harassing him with questions was just getting on his nerves.

"You aggressed me verbally as I used Meredith and got away unarmed and now I proved you it wasn't what I wanted to do. I took the fault to give her the job back. I hadn't planned the Board would ask you something in change… I hadn't and I'm sorry you got damaged in this game"

"That's not my concern, Richard"

"So what is your concern as I have great problems in getting what the hell this is about"

"This is about my life and the fact that I'm tossed around from lie to lie. Everybody here is choosing for me and I'm dazed. For one minute I was even thinking it was really your doing. But then I looked to you and reality came back to full force. And I feel sick this happened, I feel sick Meredith lost her job, I feel sick I lost my reputation and now I feel sick as you're ready to destroy your career. When is this going to end, Richard?"

"It ends here, Derek. It ends here"

"The price we paid was too high… every of us… and it's not fair"

"It is instead. You were right. I pulled all my weight down on her and she made a big mistake. The price I'm going to pay in here is nothing, Derek. It's what expects me home that scares me and nobody can take it away"

Derek closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in and out to calm his heart down.

Jennings had surprised him and bad and good feelings were fighting in his gut.

Meredith could be saved.

Maybe professionally she didn't deserve it but Jennings was right.

Derek wanted to put all his strength to support and then reinforce his marriage; his future couldn't be in Seattle if hers wasn't. The Board had been farsighted and awfully smart in this decision. And now it was on him. His head and heart were impressively clear on this choice: he had made it already, he had made it years ago and confirming it was easier than Sheperd thought. The problem was that he was used to pick decisions for himself and that was all. Now a chain reaction was going to be activated.

Richard was going to abdicate soon… sooner he had expected and with an indelible spot on his brilliant career. Derek felt bad for him. It was the first time he had ever had a moment of weakness and he didn't deserve to be set aside in this way.

All their spats and fights had clouded the respect and the affection Derek felt for Richard.

Their rapprochement years ago had been based on the perspective that Sheperd would inherit his legacy one day. That day had never come, was not going to come soon. This was the moment of surrenders and sacrifices and Derek felt he had to share something with his mentor.

He opened his eyes and leant his back against the table.

"What's going to happen to you?"

Richard sighed and looked to Derek, the tension had fallen suddenly and even Webber felt the air had changed. They weren't contenders anymore, just friends.

"Nothing… I'll step down as I had been meaning to do for years… and months. I'll take care of my wife"

"Will they fire you?"

Richard smiled, he sensed Derek was very concerned about him and it felt good.

"I don't think so. Jennings was very sympathetic about Adele's disease. They will go easy on me"

"This isn't fair anyway… I know I said you forced Meredith to do something but it's not true… not completely"

"It doesn't matter anymore, Derek. I just want this blood feud to end. You and me… you and Meredith… I just can't live with all of that"

"I can't either…"

"So what will be your decision?"

"There's no decision to take, Richard. You perfectly know it… A lot of things changed after Gary Clark and… I thought it would hurt but it doesn't"

"I really wanted you to take my place"

"I wanted it too before… now it's not so important anymore…" Derek rubbed his cheeks tiredly and Richard read something new on his face.

"You're going to start new… I hope you'll do it here"

"This is my house, Richard. I won't go anywhere but… yes… I need to rebuild myself professionally but I'm too confused to look for new targets right now… I just have to breathe a moment and put this mess behind my back… welcome my son or daughter. Feel enthusiastic like I was two months ago. It's a lot of stuff to deal with but I'll find a way. And anything you or Adele may need… I'm here"

"I know… and I thank you. I just feel guilty. Everybody wanted you as Chief and I feel like I took it away"

"Gary Clark took it away. And you have very competent doctors around… it won't be difficult to find someone else… You have probably already found someone who can take good decisions despite wars"

Webber frowned crossing his arms across his chest.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing… he passed your test Richard… No hard feelings" Derek patted Webber's shoulder and stopped in front of the door "I'll text Jennings my decision. I have to go and talk to Meredith now".

Sheperd opened the door but Webber called him back.

"Derek…"

Derek turned around and Webber smiled to him.

"Nothing… I'll see you tomorrow"

* * *

_The reason I love this myth is that I need to believe it's real… it can be real._

_I mean… who has never failed in life? Who has never dreamt to start new? Who has never thought of rebuilding one's own personality?_

* * *

Mark opened the door of his apartment, everything was dark and silent and he sighed. Apparently Lexie was still mad at him and had decided to face her rabid sister rather than spending time with him. He leant his keys on the table and took his jacket off, he needed a cold beer and a hot shower before begging for her forgiveness.

He made some step towards the kitchen but he stopped abruptly, catching sight of a slender and sexy silhouette leaning at his bedroom's doorframe, hidden in the dim light. His throat went immediately dry when he realized Lexie was wearing just her underwear.

"Holy mother…"

"Shut up…" her voice came out authoritative and commending and Mark felt even more turned on "You've been nasty today"

Mark forgot about his beer and closed the distance between his tensing body and his gorgeous girlfriend. Adrenaline and excitement took definitely control of his body and mind when he realized Lexie was wearing a very sexy bra and lace panties. She was giving him a strict look and he felt like a student in front of a very demanding teacher.

"You've been distracting me with dirty thoughts on work and that's bad"

Sloan stretched his hand to touch her but Lexie slapped his hand violently, getting a moan in response.

"And you're doing that again… growling and making sexy noises in front of me"

"You hurt me"

"Poor thing…"

"I didn't mean to sound dirty today"

His voice was hoarse and Lexie shivered sensing his hot breath on her neck. She gathered all her self control and walked away. Mark stood on the doorframe astonished.

"Lexie?"

"Well… if you didn't want to allude anything… I misunderstood and this sex show was out of place"

She wore a shirt and Mark swallowed. Was Lexie really playing with him?

"I dreamt all day about games and sex and stuff… apparently I misread you"

She turned around to face him and her innocent eyes brought Mark over the edge. He got closer and grabbed her nape, pulling her head backwards forcefully. He attacked her lips and neck furiously and Lexie gasped in surprise and pleasure.

"You didn't" he growled in to her ear and Lexie closed her eyes, losing in the sensation "I was really thinking of your hot mouth… your skin…" his hands moved on her body and she shivered "your body…"

He rubbed his hips against hers to let her feel how turned on he was and then pushed her on the bed, immediately pinning her with his weight.

"Yes…"

"Let the others enjoy cocktails and music… I know what makes me relax…"

He kissed her hard and then rolled on his back, dragging a giggling Lexie on top of him. He locked eyes with her and smirked, playing with his jeans zip. Her fingers stopped his and she smiled.

"That's my duty, dr. Sloan…"

"Oh yes… dr. Grey…" he closed his eyes losing in the sensation of Lexie's fingers on his body.

"Your wish is order for me in here, sir… But remember… just in here"

"Ok…"

He gripped the covers when he felt Lexie's hot mouth on him.

* * *

_Well… maybe not everybody… _

_Or maybe this desire appears and then goes away… floating._

_It's scary to look for a change, to admit weaknesses, to admit flaws._

* * *

Cristina entered home, she closed the door and saw Owen laying on the couch, a glass of water in his hand.

She put her bag and sweater on the backrest and sat near him.

His eyes focused lazily on her and he greeted her with a quite imperceptible smile.

She shifted her weight uncomfortably on the couch and returned the smile. Her fingers moved cautiously on his forearm, petting the hairs peppering his soft skin.

Before Owen could think she was up for a sexual aggression, she cleared her throat, rolling her eyes like she couldn't brace herself to say what she wanted looking at him.

"I'm an arrogant… full of shit bitch" Owen arched his brows in surprise and Cristina got he wasn't expecting this. "But I won't repeat it again". She breathed out and her face relaxed. She backed against the cushion and Hunt looked to her smirking.

"Competitive…" he added with a low voice and Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Yeah…"

Owen looked up to the ceiling, stroking his chin.

"Stubborn"

"Yeah"

"Haughty"

"Is that all?"

"I forgot about bossy"

"And what again?"

She spread her arms in disbelief rolling her eyes but Owen got she was in a good mood. He smiled, leaning the glass on the little table and sneaked his arm behind her back, his other hand on her knee.

"Awfully beautiful when you're pissed"

She was still pouting, her arms across her chest but Owen leant in her space, kissing her. Cristina surrendered to the sweet invasion, her lips parted and Hunt deepened the kiss. He moved back before the situation could sleep out of control. He caressed Cristina's forehead and smiled seeing her quiet expression.

"What?"

She giggled seeing him lost contemplating her face

"Nothing… I'm happy we fixed this…" she took his hand and squeezed it. Cristina had clearly moved forward but Owen needed to say something. "And I'm sorry I was so harsh today… I didn't mean to hurt you"

"Oh, you didn't. Just a shower of reality falling on my head I guess… And I made her my congratulations"

"You did?"

"Yep"

"I'm so proud of you"

"Me too"

This time it was Cristina's hand to push Owen's towards her lips.

* * *

_But once you do it… you feel brand new and ready to upgrade to a new level._

_Maybe the ultimate… a state of grace that raises you towards professional and personal success._

* * *

Derek opened the door, the rumors of tv immediately reaching his ears.

He walked down the corridor and saw Meredith curled on the couch, a huge box of pop corn in her hands.

He took off his coat and hang it, breathing out, and then proceeded to the living room.

Meredith saw him on the doorframe and her hand stilled midway, Derek saw her gulping and then her eyes focused on the screen again.

He walked in the room quietly and sat near her, his elbows propped on his knees.

There was a strand of hair which had escaped the tight knot of her ponytail and Derek adjusted it, out of habit. Meredith flinched for the sudden contact and stared at him, astonished.

Derek backed against the pillow, surprise painted on his own face.

"I'm sorry… it was there and I… didn't think this could bother you… I'm sorry"

He cleared his throat and stood, walking to the cabinet in the corner. He pulled out a glass and poured scotch in it. His face stretched in a grimace when the liquid burn his vocal cords. Meredith switched off the tv and leant her dinner on the table.

"It didn't bother me… It was quite… unexpected" she mumbled looking down to her knees.

Derek rolled the glass in his fingers, all his attention focused on the liquid swinging and waving. He was trying to make order in his head.

His break up with Meredith had been both professional and personal.

His main concern and worry was on his marriage of course, but maybe the work issue could be easier to fix, there was a path there and maybe delivering a good news could untie their tongues and melt the tension lingering in the air. He looked up and his eyes met his wife's. He rounded an armchair and sank into it, clearing his throat.

"The Board met this morning" he stopped for a moment seeing Meredith's shifting uncomfortably on the couch. "They decided to reinstate you, effect immediate".

Meredith's jaw fell and she shook her head in disbelief. Searching her green eyes Derek knew he had to expect a third degree and the first, simple yet complicated, question arrived immediately.

"Why?"

Only it wasn't what he had imagined.

"Excuse me?"

"What happened to get them change their mind?"

Derek looked down to the glass, he had hoped they would come to this much later. He nodded quietly and swallowed, getting straight to the point.

"Richard took the fault for you"

"What?"

"He retracted his version… he said he switched those files himself"

"Why?"

"As he didn't want you to lose your job, Meredith. He got you did that for him and Adele… he just wanted to return you the favor"

"I can't let him do that"

"Everything is set and done"

"I'll talk to him"

"No"

"I will dismantle this version with the Board"

"You won't"

"I just can't stay here and watch him…"

"You'll let him protect you"

His voice raised in tone and force and Meredith backed against the pillow, her face hardening almost immediately. She shook her head in disbelief.

"Right… so I should go back to work tomorrow and do anything… watch his career and name fall in the mud…" hissed Meredith through gritted teeth. She was tormenting her pants, crumpling the fabric and squeezing her hands into tight fists. Derek ignored her attitude and tried to talk calmly and soothingly.

"You should… and you will"

"So we will kill two birds with one stone… won't we?"

It was Derek's turn to straighten up, surprised. The feeling gave place to something else though when he really got the full meaning of her assumption. His eyes widened and his voice shook a bit.

"What would this mean?"

"Don't pretend you don't know it… I should let Richard walk away with all the blame and took my job back. He would step down and you'll be right there waiting…"

Derek shook his head. This time disbelief was all on his back, crushing him and knocking all the air out of him. He had thought they were beyond this argument, he had thought Meredith had clear his priorities and the loyalty that bound him to Webber.

Apparently it wasn't like that.

Their road was far longer than he expected and tiredness flowed through him like a river in flood. He was exhausted, he was nauseous to have to explain himself. Especially to the person who was supposed to know him better than anyone else, who perfectly had to know malice and unfairness weren't part of his DNA. A great sadness coming from failure, disappointment and bitterness gripped his heart and he stood, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He set the glass down with a thud and sighed, getting it wasn't the moment to go further in the conversation. He made some step towards the kitchen but Meredith's voice froze him.

"Are you walking away?"

He turned to face her, Meredith had moved into aggressive mode and Derek felt unarmed and speechless.

"Right now I think it's better this way…"

"No… it's not. Were you seriously thinking I was going to be happy about this?"

"No. But I assumed you weren't going to dig up the Chief thing all over again. I thought we had cleared that and I thought you know how much I care about Richard"

"Apparently not enough"

Derek tilted his head to the side, cashing this last slap. He had to use all his strength and self-control to be faithful to his original intents, not to vomit on Meredith the truth on the daily events. He wasn't going to excuse himself, justify himself, reinforce his position and acts forcing her opinion on him. She thought he was a profiteer, she had thought it months before, she had thought he had somehow deserved Kepner's behavior. There were too many things to clear and the trial was just the peak of the iceberg.

"So we're back to this point"

"We are…" Derek nodded and walked to the couch, sinking in it and raking a hand in frustration "if there's something I learnt about this mess is that we need to be responsible for the choices we make. And ponder if we are really prepared to take the consequences"

"You're right"

Derek looked up, his eyes met Meredith's and he felt they were miles away. She was expecting him to say something but he had nothing left in him right now. It had been a fool believing he could solve this situation starting from the hospital. Meredith shrugged, her arms enveloped on her chest.

"So that's it?

"What else do you want me to say, Meredith? Before I came here I was positive we could talk about this civilly, I was positive we could confront each other on our mistakes. I was ready to sincerely apologize for mine as I respect you, as I love you. But when you say stuff like this I just… I don't know anything anymore. I feel like you don't know me, I feel like you consider me a piece of ass and this scares me… I would like to argue with you but I'm afraid I would say something worse and I don't want to do it. This mess is going too far already. And to answer your question and share your teaching… all I've been doing today was pondering the consequences of my decisions and now… now you're making me questioning if I did the right move. And this hurts me more than everything…"

He breathed out and lied on the couch, his arm on his eyes to shield them from light.

Meredith got the conversation was over and walked away, switching the light off leaving the room.

* * *

_And once you get to the top, to the climax of glory and happiness, you're designed to destroy yourself. _

_Too much perfection leads to oblivion, everything turns into nothing..._

_Shadows and dust._

_You need to be really strong to raise from your own ashes more beautiful than before._

* * *

Derek's cell lit up in the darkness and he took it sleepily. He sighed reading the text Jennings had just sent him.

* * *

_You need to be humble and desperate enough to cry._

* * *

Meredith rolled on the bed, brushing tears away from her cheeks.

* * *

_Phoenix's tears had healing qualities._

_They could save from any kind of injury._

_And sometimes that's all you need to believe in._

_Cry and then raise again._

* * *

So... if we're expecting me to solve the problems between Meredith and Derek, you'll be decieved.

I know this end sounds hopeless and breaking, but I'll make up, I swear.

Next chapter Meredith will be back to Seattle Grace and... you'll see!

I plan to put Zola back in the mix too, you won't get bored in these last chapters, I swear.

I thank everybody who spent two minutes sending me a review, they warmed my heart and I hope you'll do this time too.

Hope I'll get to read about some new follower too.

See you soon!


	49. IS LOVE REALLY ENOUGH?

Hi guys!

I was too excited by the last episodes of season 9 and I took my time to update.

See you at the end of the chapter!

* * *

_Love is enough… isn't it?_

_We say this when we meet difficult challenges… when we have hard times in front of us._

_We shape our life around it, build new expectations and lives._

_We give up our dreams and look for new ones._

_As the feeling we share with our special one look to be strong enough to feed us, to satisfy our thirst, to drop our claims; it feels strong enough to humiliate ourselves and our principles, to fly over doubts and wrongs._

_But is it really enough? Or is this a cruel and empty illusion we serve to ourselves?_

* * *

Mark entered the conference room, a very crowded conference room, and sat near Derek.

"Early urgent meeting? My shift was supposed to start in two hours"

He looked to his friend who was looking at the program snorting and took a Danish from the table.

"Do you know what this is about, Shep?"

"I'm reading it… Department reassessment… new policies… a lot of stuff"

Mark eyed him suspiciously, there was something off in Derek's demeanor.

"Are you ok?"

"Sure"

"Anything you need to tell me"

"No"

His face said differently but Mark let it go. He turned to the other side and smirked to Callie. She shrugged.

"What?"

"Good morning"

"You too… What are you so smug about?"

"Nothing… it's just a good day… and this Danish is awesome"

He chewed the brioche and Arizona, sitting near Callie, elbowed her. Torres looked down to her arching her brow.

"He's into the rebound"

"What?"

"I'm not" Mark smirked taking another bite. Arizona smiled widely and whispered in Callie's ear.

"He made a very dirty comment in the OR yesterday and Lexie spanked him in the scrub room…"

"You really pissed her…"

Callie took a sip of her coffee arching her brows and Derek cut sternly into the conversation.

"And me too. I'd like you not to blatantly allude to blowjobs in my Or… especially now you're with Little Grey"

"Why so?"

Mark's face was the image of arrogance and Derek looked to him sighing.

"As I care for her. And it must be difficult to live with both you and your past within these walls"

"Uhm"

"And, finally… I just don't want to think of you and Meredith's little sister doing… whatever… it's private. And private stays at home"

"You didn't look so shy when you and Big Grey were fornicating everywhere in your house"

"You said it right… in our house"

"Where other people live and caught you with balls open air"

"Too bad for them… it could be time to move somewhere else if they're bothered…"

"You would be a wonderful bailiff… scaring defaulting people out of their homes… showing the boys…"

Arizona and Callie giggled and Derek giggled too.

"You're just worried Lexie would notice you're lacking in the lower department…"

"I am not" Mark scanned each word nervously, male pride hurt.

"You say so…"

"I know so. I became famous as I have skills and the equipment works fine. And the equipment is significant. Stop implying the contrary"

"You're touchy, Markie"

"I just don't like people spreading false news. And for the record" he bent forward lowering his voice so that just Derek could hear him "Lexie wasn't pissed at all… just awfully turned on" Derek looked to him frowning and Mark felt the urge to be completely sincere "ok… well… maybe a little bit pissed but still turned on. We made wonders"

Derek scrunched his nose snorting and put the program down on the table. There was definitely something wrong with him and Mark gave it another try.

"Did you talk to Meredith yesterday?"

"No comment"

Sloan didn't miss the sigh escaping Derek's lips but gave up as the door opened and Webber and Hunt entered the room.

"Morning everyone"

Richard's rich voice greeted everyone and the Chief walked to the head of the table, setting a folder on the surface and giving them all a quick look. Mark noticed his eyes rested for a moment on Derek, something was going on. He cleared his throat and everybody looked up.

"Well… I'm sorry for the short notice but the meeting was very urgent. I have some big news to deliver you so… no need of introduction… effective 9:00 A.M. this morning, I have resigned as chief of surgery of Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital. I will stay on the surgical staff. I will turn this meeting over to the new chief of surgery"

Murmurs and grumbles filled the room, the surgeons exchanging surprised looks. Richard raised his voice.

"Please greet dr. Owen Hunt"

Only now Mark and the others realized Hunt was elegantly dressed, a shirt appearing beneath his coat. Owen shook Richard's hand and stood near him, quickly realizing the atmosphere couldn't be more strained and cold than that. He cleared his throat, giving the present a small smile.

"Thanks, Dr. Webber. I know this comes as a surprise to all of you, too. And I appreciate, over the next couple of days, your help and your patience. Um, so now I have your call schedules…" he went through his papers but looked up when Bailey voiced the question which was lingering in the air.

"Wait. What happened?"

Everybody was looking at Derek, who was trying his best to keep his eyes on the table. Owen sighed, Webber had explained him the borders of the agreement Shepherd had signed with the board and he had also made crystal clear nobody except them had to know. So now he was standing there, taking their questions without standing the chance to tell the truth, to thank both people he needed to thank for this unexpected and sudden promotion.

"_I don't understand, Chief"_

_Webber sighed. Doctor Hunt was making things much more complicated than expected. _

"_There's nothing to understand, dr. Hunt. I resigned from Chief of Surgery and the Board unanimously accepted your name as successor"_

"_I thought Shepherd was going to be your successor…"_

"_Actually not if I'm proposing this to you"_

"_And I'm grateful and flattered but…" he swallowed, trying to find a way to utter the concept without being disrespectful. He shook his head when words failed him but Richard voiced his doubts._

"_You don't want to act unfair to Derek. Is it this?"_

"_Yes" Owen breathed out, he felt relieved Webber had got his point. He locked eyes with him and saw understanding, regret and… guilt?_

"_Dr. Shepherd knows I'm asking you this… I'm offering you Chief"_

"_How?"_

_The Chief shifted uncomfortably on the chair and looked to the trauma surgeon._

"_We talked about it together. Derek got I trusted you… I had appointed you to choose Chief resident and you surprised us… in a good way. Yours was a wise choice… a brave one"_

"_Something Derek helped me with"_

_Richard nodded. He had sensed it was a topic those two had treated somewhere…. somehow._

"_I'm fully aware Shepherd would have made a perfect chief. But, unfortunately, the conditions don't subside anymore"_

"_Why?" _

_Richard swallowed, Hunt was relentless in asking him reasons and questions he didn't want to face._

"_Dr. Hunt…"_

"_No. With all due respect, sir, you're asking me to take this position and I'm honored. But everybody was waiting for Derek to climb on that step. I was too. He's loved and respected and you must give me something more here before you send me to the public scaffold"_

_Owen was right. The news Shepherd was not going to be the next Chief would raise questions and rumors, something which could shake Hunt's sit, his authority and his level of liking and acceptance. He could get burned in this situation and the least Webber could do was to be frank and true to him._

"_Derek retired from the promotion"_

"_Did he retire or did someone get him to retire?"_

"_Both things I guess…" Richard's voice was soft and concerned "I think he didn't want it anymore… anyway. So the choice turned out to be much more simpler"_

"_Which choice?"_

_Despite Derek and him had sorted things out, Richard felt his throat in knots. This felt unfair, this felt big, he just hoped it would be worth and useful._

"_Taking Chief and making Meredith's layoff definitive or giving up the promotion and having her reinstated"_

"_What?"_

_Owen was astonished to say it easy and Webber couldn't blame him but now he needed to arrive to the end of this meeting._

"_You heard fine and I didn't like it either. But now Derek made his choice and you have to make yours. I know it's sudden and unexpected but I think you're ready and you'll have all the support you need to take the job and do it fine. Do you feel for the heat, Hunt?"_

_There was a lot of confusion in Owen's head right now. Saying it was unexpected was playing it easy. He had never imagined he would get to this, not in the future and surely not now. Derek had told him he would have made a wonderful chief someday… did he already suspect this? Maybe not, maybe he just thought the Board would retire his promotion, he had said it straight to his face. But now this was real and Owen felt dazed. Despite Webber's confidence, he didn't feel that good. Financial and administrative stuff were really not his field, he hated it all. Richard seemed to be able to read his doubts and smiled to him._

"_You'll survive through paperwork. I didn't know anything myself, Hunt, and I learnt it. You'll be in awkward position to have two ex chiefs breathing down your neck… I may look arrogant and presumptious but… both these guys were loved and are still loved… it won't be easy. But they'll be even there to help you and advise you if you'll need it"_

"_It's not your loyalty I doubt… your availability… this is just a big mess"_

"_I know. I get if it's too much to put on your shoulders"_

_Owen breathed in and out several times. He tried to clear his head. He wasn't a quitter, he wasn't a lightweight. He could do this._

"_It's not too much. If you were mad enough to consider me, I'll be mad enough to take it"_

_Richard's face opened in a smile and he stood, stretching his hand towards Hunt. Owen did the same and accepted the hold. _

"_We'll make the official announcement to all the attendings in the morning. The general will be done in the late afternoon. I'd appreciate if you could keep it quiet till then"_

_Owen read clearly an allusion to Cristina and nodded. Dropping the news to her would surely be one of the hardest moment. _

"_I'll see you tomorrow and…" Richard gestured to the room "I'll see myself and my stuff out as soon as possible"_

"_No problem, Chief" Richard arched his brows and Owen giggled getting the meaning of his expression. "Right… I guess I might get used to others calling me chief…."_

"_Yes… Chief… Have a good night sleep"_

"_Thank… sir" He turned around and reached the door but Webber called him back._

"_Hunt…"_

_He turned around and sensed seriousness had come back in full force on Webber's face._

"_Yes?"_

"_I count on your discretion concerning Derek's… matter. He doesn't want this to come out…" Richard sensed Owen's doubts and hesitation "for Meredith. Her reinstatement will raise complains all around and he doesn't want her to get the blame even for this"_

"_Ok…" _

_He closed the door behind his back sighing._

Owen woke up from his mental journey when another question echoed in the room. He hadn't even answered the first….

"Why did it happen?"

Torres had been the one to pop it but Owen felt out of place as he realized he wasn't the one to be questioned, but Webber. He cleared his throat and tried to sound confident.

"I don't think…"

"Is this the board? Are they forcing you to step down?"

Bailey cut Hunt off, her arguments growing more and more embarrassing and sharp. Derek was stroking his eyes tiredly, he didn't want to take part to the conversation but he had to feel his skin burning under the stares his colleagues were investing him with.

"I don't think I need to explain you my decisions"

Webber's voice sounded as authoritative and definitive as ever and Bailey recoiled on her seat. A pregnant silence fell in the room and Owen felt in a hole infested by wolves. He had been… they all had been fools assuming everybody would have taken the decision without batting an eyelid. Someone cleared its throat and Owen prepared for another unpleasant sentence.

"Hunt…"

Tu quoque, Teddy?

He sighed and raised his eyes to meet her friend's. Unexpectedly she was smiling to him.

"You're the new chief of surgery"

He didn't know how and why seeing the heaviness of the moment, but he couldn't help but reciprocate the smile.

* * *

Cristina, Avery, Reed and Karev were all sitting on the couch in the residents lounge. They were waiting for their shift to start, each one enjoying the last moments of calm and quietness.

Maybe not all of them…

Adamson was scribbling notes in a folder, consulting schedules and OR boards in the while. Jackson was looking at her amused, Alex and Cristina were playing with their cells.

Karev couldn't control his curiosity anymore and popped Cristina the question he was dying to make.

"Do you know what the early meeting is about?"

"Meeting?"

She raised her eyes and brows frowning and Alex shrugged.

"I saw all the attendings down in a conference room before… I thought you could know what this was about"

"I have no idea. Owen was paged early this morning and I haven't heard or seen him. He didn't mention to have a meeting though"

"That's what I mean… It looked like last minute, urgent stuff…"

Cristina went back to her phone and Alex stroked his eyes tiredly. They all looked to Reed when she sighed loudly.

"Oh my God…"

"What?"

Adamson had paled, it was like something was stuck in her throat and she couldn't talk. Cristina's lips twitched upwards.

"Have you already screwed up our schedules?"

Reed rolled her eyes and stood, leaving her documents on the couch.

"No… but…"

"But?" prompted her Avery.

"What if they're discussing about my position?"

"Excuse me?" Jackson shared a quick, puzzled look with Cristina and Alex.

"What if they questioned Hunt's choice?"

"Have you already gone in super egocentric bitch mode?" Cristina's harsh remark made Alex laugh despite himself "You're not so important to set up an early, full management meeting"

"Do you think so?"

"I know so… and it's not because your name is above discussion… but for the early morning bother…"

"Thank you" spat Reed mockingly.

"You're welcome…" Cristina went back to her cell and it was Alex's turn to speculate on the reasons of the secret reunion.

"Maybe they're discussing about my project… the first patients should be dismissed today or… tomorrow"

"You're just giving yourself too much credit…"

"Fine…"

Alex stood snorting and went to the fridge, taking out a bottle of water and drinking some sip. Reed turned towards him casually and her eyes narrowed.

"That would be mine…"

"I'm sorry… I thought I left some yesterday"

He threw the empty in the bin and Reed opened her arms in disbelief.

"It must be difficult finding something you never leave…"

"Relax, Adamson… I'm gonna buy you coffee. But it looks like you had too much already"

He fished some coin out of his pockets and headed to the door. He opened it grinning to his friends but stopped stunned seeing Meredith right in front of him. He froze on the spot, sharing an intense look with her. It was the first time they found face to face after she had kicked him out. He had taken her warning promptly and cleaned his room… her room actually… without looking for further confrontation. There were a lot of things which needed to be said and cleared, Alex cared for Meredith and he knew she cared about him too. They just had to wait for things to cool off. He took a step aside and let her in, mumbling a shy and uncertain hi and then disappearing down the hallway. Cristina stood too, surprised to see Meredith there.

"Hey… did you come to take your stuff?"

Yang had realized the evening before Meredith's belongings were still in the locker. Maybe she hadn't had the nerve to collect them yet, maybe it had been just about lack of time. It looked weird she had chosen that hour to come and accomplish that "pitiful" task, but she probably wanted to say hi to the others too, Avery and Adamson at least… Karev… it was another story. The Westerns had stood too and they were all close to Meredith.

Grey didn't look sad or pathetic, something Yang would be if she had to clear her closet and say goodbye to those walls… she looked… happy?

"Mer…"

Cristina prompted her and Meredith smiled.

"Actually I need to get changed if I don't want to be late for my shift"

She walked to her spot leaving a stunned but ecstatic Cristina behind her back.

"What?"

Meredith giggled sensing the excitement and surprise in Cristina's voice. She turned around smiling but, looking more carefully to her, Yang noticed there was a shadow in her expression, something which would need some explanation later.

"I have been reinstated… you didn't get rid of me even this time"

Meredith realized the awkwardness of her joke and quickly corrected it.

"I didn't get rid of myself even this time"

Cristina dismissed her waving her hands.

"Enough of this crap… Why didn't you call me to drop the news? You know I was sick worried about you"

"It was everything quick and surprising and… I preferred the surprise here. So… congratulations"

She smiled to Reed and Adamson reciprocated, taking the chance to observe Meredith's belly more carefully.

"Thank you. I'm glad to have you back. Even if you've just screwed the plan I've just finished to make"

"That's crap" Meredith rolled her eyes for Cristina's remark "I would be worried she's going to deliver McBaby on our shoes"

"I'm not!"

"Won't you take a leave at all?"

"Next week probably… Me getting my job back came unexpected. I didn't feel to argue about union rights now…"

"And then pregnancy isn't illness, right?" Avery smirked and hugged her quickly. His pager beeped in that moment and he looked at it. "Bailey pages me. The top secret briefing is over. See you later, madams"

He marched towards the exit and Reed's voice followed him till and beyond the door.

"We have to meet for your duties, Avery"

He waved his hand without turning back and Adamson snorted.

"I hate them! I hate men! They just can't take orders and accomplish without retorting and complaining"

"Calm down. You've got the power now. Don't waste it yelling. Just command smiling"

"Right"

Adamson walked away too and Meredith and Cristina were left alone.

Yang watched her person changing into her coat without popping questions, she was too happy the nightmare was over. Meredith turned around putting post its and pens in her pockets and locked eyes with her. She got Cristina was dying to question her.

"What do you want to know?"

"Come on, Mer… How did it happen?"

"Webber took the fault for me"

"I shouldn't be saying it… but it was about time he did something to stop all this situation"

"Cristina…" Meredith shook her head and Yang stopped. Her person didn't want to go deeper into the subject now and she shut her mouth nodding.

"Ok… you don't want to talk about it right now… fine"

"Thank you"

"News about you and Mc Dreamy instead?"

Meredith looked away sighing and Cristina got the two matters were somehow related.

"Anything good… He came to give me the good news and I aggressed him"

Grey tried to look to her feet, her big belly preventing her to do it.

"What's wrong with you guys, lately?"

Meredith looked up but this time Cristina didn't stop.

"How is it that you can't talk anymore? What happened?"

"Nothing…"

"If it was nothing, you'd not be sulking here"

Meredith kicked the air, suddenly what she had told Derek sounded totally out of place, stupid.

"Derek came to tell me I got my job back but… I wasn't happy to know Richard did this for me"

"That's quite understandable… not for me, but for you… it's understandable. And why did Mc Ass have to complain about that?"

"He didn't complain but…" Meredith locked eyes with Cristina and then diverted her stare, preparing for the verbal abuse she was surely going to get and, probably, deserve. "I implied… well… I shoved into his face he's an opportunist as now he will get chief"

Meredith shivered when she saw Cristina's mouth agape. She deserved to be spanked, right now she also thought she deserved to be dumped. Her road with Derek was full of bumps, she had set the first and now her nerves were making everything to mess up again and load new ones.

"Meredith… what are you trying to do here? As really… I need hints now. One day you're depressed and despaired and crying on your marriage but you look like you're doing everything to bother Derek now. And he's doing the same. I suggest you to stop and clear your heads on what you want before you get to a fatal breaking point"

"I don't want to get there but…" she sighed looking Cristina staring at her concerned "every time he talks to me all I perceive is disappointment, hurt. And the feeling he looks for me just for the baby fills me up and I lose it. I don't want my husband to stay with me just for Mc Baby. And yesterday he came to me telling I needed to accept Webber's protection, I needed to do this, I needed to do that… he set up this package and decided for me"

"Well… it's what you did too, right?" Meredith gave her a puzzled look and Cristina's face sobered up. "They took his trial away from him, Meredith. They took trials away for him for five years and he didn't blink, he didn't try to sneak out selling you out. He took also your responsibilities and the Chief knows it too. You should stop speculating and just hear him out"

"I hate when you're all reasonable"

"Well… get used. I even admitted to Owen I'm an arrogant bitch so… wisdom finally filled me up"

"And flooded from your ears…"

"And now came over you… I'd never thought I would be your and Mc Dreamy's peacemaker…"

"Me either…"

Meredith's pager beeped and she looked to it.

"It's the ER… 911"

"Welcome back to the game, Mer. See you around"

* * *

Owen had finally made it through the meeting. The doctors were walking out the conference room, greeting him and then sharing their impressions about this unexpected turn. Owen exchanged a wide smile with Teddy and shook several hands before realizing the person he wanted to talk to was going to leave quietly.

"Shepherd…"

Derek stopped and turned locking eyes with Owen, they waited for all the surgeons to leave.

"Yes… chief?"

He chuckled uttering this word and Owen shook his head.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Nope… chief is not a nickname… it's your job now and I respect that"

Hunt saw and felt complete honesty and clearness from Derek's side and smiled, picking up his documents and casting his eyes down. Now all his colleagues, or subordinates like he should call them, had walked away, he was starting to feel adrenaline drop and doubts and hesitations were taking the lead again.

Shepherd felt his discomfort and cleared his throat.

"You did good…"

"It was a complete disaster…"

"No… it wasn't that bad"

"This was really a bad idea… they're gonna hate me"

"Hunt…"

"I took Chief from you and Webber and I'm not even prepared for the job"

"You are… and stop the rambling. You're sounding like a menstruated woman…"

Owen chuckled, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"You took nothing from me and you have the perfect right to be where you are. I get it's uncomfortable now… I felt the same when I took Richard's place. And now you have two people breathing down your neck but… we're gonna help if you need it. And people like you so… there was nothing dark and fuzzy in this transition"

"There is instead…"

Hunt looked to him meaningfully and Derek sighed.

"Hunt… I'm perfectly fine with this and everybody here will get it. I won't hold it against you, I won't jump to your throat. Anybody will. And in a couple of days nobody will remember I was going to be chief"

"You make it sound like it will be smooth"

"From my side it will…"

Hunt nodded and read also beyond Derek's statement. Many people weren't going to make it this simple. This shift hadn't been natural and planned. Webber had explained him the confines of Derek's trade with the board but had carefully omitted to explain why he had stepped down himself. Owen was not a stupid though, he had understood it had something to do with Meredith and the trial and this was probably the point Derek predicted problems. Despite what Grey had meant to do, her behavior had turned out to be intolerable and a lot of people would put her thought fire hoops now she was back. Speaking of what… technically she was still a neuro resident assigned to nobody else but Shepherd. Thin ice…

"Are you going to work with Meredith?"

Derek backed his head slightly, sinking both hands in his pockets. The topic was not harmless yet, his meeting with Cristina had apparently produced better results than Derek's with Meredith.

Shepherd sighed, he hadn't thought about this. Now he did, the perspective didn't sound any good. He and Meredith weren't able to exchange two words without spatting and fighting, he didn't fool himself it could be different on work, he didn't fool himself her words hadn't cut deep in his heart.

But this was their job: maybe they couldn't be reasonable people, but they could be reliable surgeons and work together professionally.

"I don't have any surgery scheduled by now. But if I have to, I will"

"It doesn't look really promising, you know?" Derek lowered his eyes, he was perfectly aware himself "I assume things didn't go too good"

"Is this the Chief talking?"

"It's Owen who double dated for Valentine's day talking"

Derek smiled remembering the same speech he had given Owen months before. Hunt had given him a true and honest answer then, he could do that too.

"It went awfully bad. But I can manage to work with her"

"I don't know why but… I'm more concerned on her not managing to work with you"

Meredith Grey had proved to be totally unpredictable and last think they needed were fireworks on her first day back.

"It's fine, Hunt. We'll get through the day. Then… the news has to stay put till tonight and you can't go around seeding orders. Thanks for your concern though"

His pager beeped and he looked at it.

"911… I need to go. Enjoy your first day, Hunt…"

Shepherd walked out of the room and Owen chuckled.

So much of a first day…

* * *

Alex walked down the hallway, still upset by the close encounter with Meredith.

It was the first time he met her since the trial's bomb and it had hit him.

They needed to talk , he knew that, but he hadn't found the nerve to tell anything.

Not a greeting, not an apology. Nothing.

Everything he had meant to say was buzzing in his head now and he hoped a good case would take the confusion away.

Robbins had paged him, apparently their top secret meeting was over.

He rounded the corner and saw her, leaning at the nurses station and patting her foot impatiently.

Kick ass day…

"Hey… you paged?"

Arizona sent him a dashing smile.

"Yep… I've just got a page from a nurse. There's something wrong with the Chiari's patient"

"Zola?"

Robbins opened her notes and took a glance inside, spotting the baby's name and smiling.

"Yes, that's it. I'm impressed, Karev. Do you remember the name of all these little patients?"

"Of course I do. I studied all their cases before they got here"

"Wow… you grew a heart finally… Who would say that?"

Alex snorted, it felt bad hearing those things, especially from Robbins. She used to like him. Well… maybe she liked him before Meredith's jam.

"Thank you. I thought you liked me"

"I did. Before you cheated on me with Sloan and screwed your humanity reporting one of your closest friends"

"My only friend…"

Arizona frowned at him and Alex rolled his eyes.

"Meredith was my only friend… so you know. Yang… she does not really care about me"

"So you're a lonely duck now"

"And called for it… That's what you were saying… isn't it?"

"No" Karev met Robbins' eyes and saw something different in her eyes. Respect? "You screwed up but you're not that bad. You just need to suffer a little bit more to get trust back"

"You don't need to sugarcoat my pill" they walked some second in silence and then Alex cleared his throat "so… what's wrong with Zola and why were you paged? She's Shepherd's patient"

"She was… but apparently the problem is not her head anymore"

"What does it mean?"

"She woke up sore and the daily labs went crazy"

"So?"

"So now you're taking her down for a CT and a full track of exams"

They rounded the last corner and Alex saw Karen in Zola's room. She was holding the baby but the little girl was crying desperately, her screams filling the hallway. Karev swallowed, it had to be bad. Zola had never cried like that. Arizona eyed him suspiciously.

"Are you ok?"

"Sure"

"Are you upset to hear babies crying?"

"No… just this baby"

He walked into the room quickly without waiting for Robbins' comment. His eyes locked with Karen's and he read worry on her face too.

"Hey… what's wrong?"

"I don't know. She's been crying since this morning…"

Alex took her chart, reading the tests Robbins had talked about. His brow arched and his face darkened raising Karen's worry.

"Alex…"

"Labs are not ok. I need to take her down for a CT"

Zola was crying desperately despite the young woman's attempts to rock her and calm her down. Karev considered for a moment to take the baby down himself but immediately abandoned it. He wasn't ready for this and Arizona eyed him strangely. She gestured a nurse to step in.

"Nurse Nora will take Zola down with dr. Karev"

Her voice was sweet and she was smiling but Alex got Robbins was not going to change her mind about that. He nodded to Karen and she passed the baby to the nurse.

"I'll keep you posted"

He left the room following Zola and Robbins turned on her heels, calling him back.

"Karev…"

"Yes?"

"Is there anything I should know about this case?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I feel there is something you're hiding from me"

Alex shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, sinking both hands in his pockets. Robbins had read through his mind. He didn't know why, but he felt somewhere he should page Shepherd.

"It's nothing. Just personal stuff"

"With you and that woman?"

"No, with that baby and someone who was thinking to adopt her before I screwed the whole world up. It's better I go now"

He turned around and left, leaving Arizona talking to his retrieving back.

"Just page when you have the scans!"

* * *

Derek finally arrived in the ER.

He followed the indications of his pager and pushed the door of a visit room open.

His breathing slowed down when he saw Meredith standing in the room, a yellow emergency coat on, busy in visiting the patient. She was giving orders to nurses and had just dismissed the paramedics.

Derek cleared his throat and put gloves on.

"What have we got?"

The nurse answered him while he approached the gurney, taking the opposite side Meredith was working on.

"Male, 35, brought in with the chopper. A couple found him in the woods, he was probably looking for mushrooms and slipped"

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith had just flashed a light in his pupils and straightened up.

"Right pupil is blown. We should run a MRI stat"

"Ok. Push 3 mg of mannitole and book the MRI"

Meredith turned around to prep the needle and rolled her eyes seeing Derek repeating the exam she had just made. He set the pen back in his pocket and examined the guy's body.

"Has he ever been conscious?"

"No"

"Airways and lungs?"

"Still working. Paramedics didn't intubate him"

Shepherd touched the man's head, feeling his skull .

"It looks like there is a small fracture here"

Meredith was still holding the receiver, waiting for instructions from the other side of the line.

"MRI should be available in minutes"

A voice reached Meredith and she nodded, hanging up.

"They're ready for us"

Derek didn't look to be willing to move. He was visiting the patient, listening to his heart. Meredith looked to him, not understanding what he was doing.

"Dr. Shepherd…"

"Just one minute, please"

He took his hands off the patient and threw gloves away.

"Have you already ordered blood tests?"

He scribbled something on the chart, checking the few details Meredith had shared with him.

"Yes, they're already down in the lab"

Meredith was three steps from him, probably irritated by his behavior and the way he was leading this case. But the last of Derek's worry was ignoring or maltreating her. He set the papers down and prepared to move the patient when something caught his attention. A rattle filled the room and the guy laying on the gurney started to shake violently.

"He's seizing…"

Derek rolled the man on the side and tried to keep his head and arm steady. He had to apply force to hold him down.

"Push diazepam, dr. Grey"

Meredith found a vein and pushed the treatment, her eyes settled on the froth coming out of the patient's mouth. She took a gauze and approached it, cleaning and trying to free the airways. The shakes didn't look to slow down thought and Derek looked to her.

"How much did you push?"

"5 mg"

"He has been seizing for too much… Push 2 more"

Meredith obliged and the man's body finally stilled. Derek rolled him back on his back and made sure he was breathing.

"It's better we bring him down before he seizes again"

"Let's go"

Derek took the gurney from the rear and pushed it out while Meredith kept the door open for him. They started to walk down the corridor and stopped in front of the elevator. He pushed the button and sighed, taking in the pregnant silence lingering between Meredith and himself. She was sending him furtive glances and suddenly cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry for yesterday evening"

"No need to be"

Derek's voice sounded hollow and a little bit empty, he was looking straight to the wall separating them from the elevator. Meredith didn't lose confidence though.

"I didn't mean to say that thing"

"No, you did. And I know you even meant it"

Her husband locked eyes with her and Meredith shivered reading the hurt in his eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but Derek talked first.

"It's something we need to discuss… not here though"

"Where then?"

The lift dinged and the doors slid open, Derek maneuvered the gurney in and pressed the button to move downstairs. Silence fell again like he had forgotten her previous question. Meredith felt deflated. She didn't want to press Derek into an argument if he didn't feel for it, she didn't want to push the topic. It only felt awkward to be in the same, confined space after days and barely look to each other.

She sighed and felt tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"I love you"

Her words came out like a whisper, strong enough for Derek to catch them. His face turned slowly towards her and he swallowed.

It was good to hear her say that after days of tension and spats, it was good… but, for the first time, it didn't produce the same, soothing, exciting sensation.

They needed to talk, they needed to put on the plate a lot of things before going back to their life. And the previous night Derek had realized a lot of problems did not depend on the trial thing, they were rooted in the farther past, topics they had avoided and buried after Gary Clark and the load of pain he had brought on their lives.

The place they were now was Derek's fault too. He had closed up and excluded Meredith from a lot of decisions, a lot of sensations which were the key to the man he had become after someone had almost killed him. The trial had just messed everything up and revealed the big picture.

Their relationship had changed as they both had.

Derek for the dreadful experience he had lived, the new leaf he had meant to start.

Meredith as she had dealt for the first time with a needy and insecure husband, in the same moment one of her bigger fears was becoming true: being a mom.

Only nobody had said a word and now they were here, in an elevator… their elevator… the place their love had blossomed and become legend, almost scared to share a look and two words.

Meredith had shared more than two. She had shared three, the most important.

Derek hadn't the time to say it back as the doors opened and he met a group of nurses and doctors waiting to step in. They all sent Meredith a curious look they both tried to ignore. She pulled the gurney out and they walked down the hallway towards the CT.

* * *

Cristina finally spotted Owen.

He was leaning against the railway on the catwalk, looking down in the hall absent minded. A strange smirk was stretching his lips and Cristina approached him silently. He noticed her presence when her elbow and shoulder brushed his.

"Hey…"

"Hey"

The grin became a smile and Cristina reciprocated, her brows arching quizzically.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes… it's a wonderful day"

He waved his hand and Cristina looked out. He wasn't surely referring to the weather. Seattle was gracing them with another rainy and dark day, not something which gave you the energy to jump out of bed cheerful and hilarious.

"Is it?" she looked at him chuckling and Owen rolled his eyes.

"I didn't mean… that. It's just a good day in general"

"How?"

Owen retreated against the railway and silenced, in evident lack of words. Cristina laughed at his clumsiness.

"So good you can't even explain it…"

She leant against the metal looking down herself. Smiling herself. It was a good day, Meredith was back and this topic gave her the pretext to investigate about the super secret meeting.

"Meredith is back… I met her in the locker room. Coat and everything"

She looked to Owen quickly and got he already knew that. And he was sincerely happy about it. But he wasn't saying anything, which meant he also knew other stuff she didn't.

"But you know it…"

"I do"

"The whole floor is talking about the urgent morning meeting. Had it something to do with her?"

_Oh yes, Webber gave up his position and Shepherd did too to save her ass. And I'm the new Chief of surgery._

"Nope… Just boring financial stuff…"

Hunt went back looking to the people hurrying downstairs, relaxed.

"You really suck at lying, you know?"

Owen chuckled and looked to Cristina, she was smiling too.

"I am not lying"

"You so are…" she took his cheek in her fingers and squeezed it. "and you're even blushing… I need to give you lessons about this…"

"Cristina…"

"Yeah… I know you think I don't lie but I do. I just do it so good you don't even realize"

"I do realize. And I was not going to say that…"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

Owen smiled and Cristina circled his waist with both hands, a mischievous smirk stretching on her face.

"So I should let you be a naïf, simple, take advantage of me guy?"

"Nobody is going to take advantage of me…"

"You think so?" she pulled him towards herself and Owen laughed feeling her fingertips tickling his sides through the fabric of his shirt "you're vulnerable and slow…"

"Slow?"

He arched his brow grinning. Cristina got the dirty expression darkening his face and the malice creeping through his words. She didn't say anything though and played along his game.

"Some predatory can come and grab you… taking you away… telling you sweet words…"

"Well… that would be actually a good news… I'm not used to hear sweet words…"

Cristina's nails tickled his ribs and Owen winced.

"Ouch…"

"What? I thought you were ready for vultures to pick you up. I was just giving you an anticipation of how it feels…" her voice lowered and Owen smiled sensing her hands on his back "having claws squeezing you…"

"It really feels great"

He closed his arms around her neck and leant in to steal a kiss. Their lips had just broken the contact when his pager beeped and he sighed.

"And this feels like mine…"

Owen retrieved his arms and looked at it, frowning.

"A good case?"

"No… just papers I need to fill"

Cristina looked to him up and down, noticing he was wearing a shirt instead of the usual navy blue scrubs and a pair of elegant pants.

"Paper works and fancy clothes… Have you a hot manager to impress?"

Owen chuckled, jealous Cristina made him proud. Jealous Cristina made him happy and awoke his male pride.

"No, my hands are full with my hot surgeon…" he kissed her cheek quickly "and I would be happy to continue this conversation later… maybe in an on call room"

"Maybe… we'll see… If you behave"

"I will… let's go now"

Owen turned on his heels and walked down the catwalk towards the department. Cristina called after him.

"Why the shirt anyway?"

Hunt waved his hand without turning back. He was smiling imagining Cristina's face in front of the upcoming announcement.

* * *

Alex's stomach had dropped in his stomach seeing the results of the scan he had just run on Zola. He hoped he had wrongly interpreted the images displaying on the little screen. He hoped… but he knew it was rather difficult.

He had seen too much of this stuff to get it wrong.

A full vision could maybe better the situation a little bit or worsen it.

Any case Zola was going to need another surgery and this was already bad.

What made it worse was the strong need he felt to inform Shepherd about this bump. He wasn't family technically, he wasn't even her doctor anymore. But he would want to know and explain why to Robbins was going to be horrible and complicated.

Alex had paged the peds surgeon but she had answered she was stuck in the pit for half an hour at least, she had said to him to check the scans quietly and then post her. So he was heading to a laboratory to get a better view of the exams, deep wrinkled on his face and a humor which suggested anybody to stay the hell away.

Karev spotted Bailey and Webber at the end of the hallway and sighed.

Maybe it was better to have a better opinion on his case before jumping to conclusions.

He approached Bailey and cleared his throat, apparently she hadn't seen him or, even if he didn't want to think about it, was trying to ignore his presence.

Alex looked not to be the only one mad at the world.

"Dr. Bailey…."

"Yes?"

"Could you give me a consult on my case, please?"

"Do I work in human restyling, Karev?" spat Bailey without even looking up from her chart. Richard eyes her suspiciously from under his glasses.

"It's not plastics. It's general… It's one of my kids"

"And I don't work in peds either. Page dr. Robbins"

"I did but she's busy and I suspect a pretty messy obstruction"

"Clear your suspects and then report to her. And if you need help in the while… that's the reason there's a Chief of surgery in here"

She closed her chart and staffed her pen in the front pocket of her labcoat. Alex rolled his eyes and walked away, not understanding why Bailey had dismissed him so unceremoniously.

"If you're mad at me, just say it Miranda" Webber's voice reached her ear and Bailey shook her head chuckling.

"I'm not mad at you"

"You are. But I don't get why. I needed more time to take care of Adele and I stepped down. That's it"

"No…" Miranda shook her head "that's not it. If you needed more time you could take it without problems… schedule your work days better and efficiently. The fact Hunt became chief over Shepherd suggests me something else happened here. And this doubt turned into certainty when I spotted Meredith Grey's ponytail half an hour ago in the MRI. Is she back?"

"She is"

"Oh… so what is this? Free screw month of the year?"

"Bailey…" Richard spoke with a warning tone. He didn't mean to explain his decisions to anybody, Bailey included.

"No, don't Bailey me. That woman… that doctor made something utterly wrong and apparently she's not going to pay for it. You are. And I won't accept it"

She took her papers and stormed away, nearly bumping into Meredith herself. Despite the collision she didn't stop to apologize or anything and Grey looked to her sighing.

"How much of our conversation did you hear?"

Meredith looked to Richard and sank both hands in her pockets.

"Enough to know she hates me"

"She doesn't… she's just being emotional"

"No. She does hate me and I hate myself too. You hadn't to do that for me"

"I didn't do it just for you. I did it for me and my wife too. And I did it for my reputation. I couldn't go around here… head high … it was a long time I couldn't and it was time to fix it. I'm just sorry for all that came along with it and pissed… for Derek"

"I am too"

Her pager beeped and she looked to it sighing.

"Derek's paging me"

"How are things between the two of you?"

"Fine… just fine"

Meredith gave Webber a small smile and walked away but the gesture didn't produce the effect she wanted. Richard knew her enough to know that "fine" meant bad. Probably they needed more time and probably he would need to intervene later.

"Freaking hell…"

Alex's worst hypothesis got real when he read the scans hanging to the illuminated wall. He didn't need Bailey or Webber or Robbins or anyone to confirm it. It was right there.

He turned around when he heard the door opening and swallowed seeing Shepherd walking in the room, a big yellow envelop in his hands.

The neuro surgeon threw a quick glance to Alex's scans and shook his head.

"It's a pretty nasty bowel obstruction. Are you on your own with that?"

He set his exams on the wall waiting for Alex's answer.

"No. Robbins"

"Good…"

No, it was not good. As this was the part where Alex was supposed to go on and tell him the truth but he couldn't. He needed to talk to Robbins first. He took his pager and sent her a message. The door opened again and Meredith stepped in.

"You paged?"

Grey looked quickly to Alex and then diverted her eyes on her husband.

This room had never looked so little as now.

Meredith didn't talk to Alex, she barely was on speaking terms with her husband, Karev feared Derek would spank him sooner or later. Not now.

"These are mr. Hugh's scans. What do you see?"

He was standing in front of the wall, arms closed around his chest and Meredith approached cautiously. She focused on the image and pointed to the man's brain.

"There's a tiny bleed…"

"Really tiny"

Meredith got Derek was thinking on the case, but, to her, everything looked pretty clear right now.

"Apparently big enough to grill his brain and cause him seizures"

"It doesn't look like big enough" added Shepherd sharply. "Are the labs back?"

"I don't know. I should go down and check"

"Do it. I'll see you in OR2"

Derek marched out of the room without adding anything and Meredith rolled her eyes taking the images down and switching off the light. She proceeded to the door ignoring Alex but he called her back.

"Meredith"

"I'm in a hurry. You heard my boss"

"I did" sighed Karev. This little conversation had been enough to reveal Meredith and Derek had not solved their fight yet. "There's something I'd like to tell Shepherd but I don't know if doing it"

"And why am I in the equation? As you probably realized, I'm not in his graces right now. If you need to speak to him, I can't do that for you"

She opened the door and light invested them both. Alex sensed it was now or never.

"These are Zola's scans"

Meredith stopped and turned around swallowing. She hadn't said a word and pretended not to see, but she had. Alex's case was a rough one and now everything made sense. An Africa's kid was the owner of that crumbled bowel, it was the reason Karev was not in plastics but working in general. And the kid in object was nobody else than Derek's favorite girl.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know yet. Probably the shunt stopped working correctly. She'll need a surgery to fix this mess"

"And Arizona doesn't want you to tell Derek?"

"I may have to explain her why I want to tell him"

"Well… do it. And send me updates"

She closed the door behind her back and Alex snorted. He decided to go and look for Robbins himself.

* * *

Arizona, Callie and Teddy were sitting on the couch in the attending lounge. They were eating their lunch and looking curiously to Bailey. Miranda had entered the room seconds before, a scold on her face, making sure to inform them all she didn't want to be bothered or involved in any conversation.

So they were doing the conversation themselves and the topic was, of course, the big change happened or, better, going to happen, in the evening.

"Do you think this has something to do with Shepherd's trial?" asked Teddy chewing a carrot.

"Of course it has. Webber left his job, Shepherd was passed and Grey reappeared in the hospital. It doesn't take a mathematician to solve this calculation"

They all looked to Bailey, who was apparently ignoring their rambling.

"Ok but… ok for Shepherd… but how does the Chief come in all this situation?" asked Arizona arching her brows.

"I don't know that. But I do know one thing. Webber and Grey share a never ending story and it's useless we try to understand it"

"Why so?"

"Human relationships are complicated and…"

"No…" Teddy stopped Callie and looked to her apologetically "I didn't mean that. Why is Webber always willing to protect her… break rules for her? What's his deal with her?"

"Nobody does know. But it must be something important to screw up his reputation like that"

They silenced and just the noise of cutlery ticking in their bowls filled the room. The door opened again and nobody else that Owen Hunt stepped in snorting.

"Hey" he closed the door behind his back and approached the table, pouring a cup of coffee. He turned around and saw the stunned face of the three women on the couch.

"What?"

"Nothing…" chuckled Callie "it looks like you've entered the wrong office, Chief"

Owen saw hilarity on his colleagues' faces and chuckled himself. He was going to miss these casual meetings in the lounge, the conversations, the jokes. He sat near them and sipped his coffee.

"This is still my place. You need to say it straight to my face if you don't want me anymore"

He lifted the cup to bring it to his mouth but stopped when Bailey's cold and sharp voice reached him.

"We don't want you"

Owen's face fell, he looked to Bailey and heard someone nearly choking out of surprise. He frowned looking at the general surgeon. She was deep in her reading, ignoring him. Owen tried to put the topic on a funny level.

"I'm flattered. Usually who despises loves"

"I don't love you. Not with my heart and not with my mouth. And I wasn't joking. I don't want you"

"Bailey…" Callie's careful voice sounded in the room but Hunt silenced her.

"No… it's fine. I'm concerned by your feelings, Miranda"

"I've never given you the permission to call me Miranda"

"Right… so what's your problem, Bailey?"

"I don't have problems. But someone does. Someone who appointed you for a job you're not ready to do. And you have problems too if you think you are suitable. And I'm just telling you something others don't have the courage to express straight to your face"

"And I thank you for that and I hope you'll change your mind"

"I don't think so"

"But I also think that this resentment is far beyond you thinking I'm not ready to get chief. You're mad at me"

"I'm not"

"You are. You think I cheated on someone but I didn't do anything like that. Everything was already decided when I was asked to step up"

"Hence you had no problem in doing it"

Owen breathed out. He didn't want to raise an argument with Bailey, the beating heart of Seattle Grace, but he couldn't let this message carve in her head. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and decided for the diplomatic and emotional version.

"I know you all are pissed Shepherd didn't get chief, I was too. I am too. But you can't put that on me. And you can't put on me the fact Webber stepped down either. If you have problems about that, talk to him. And if you want to know why Derek didn't get the promotion, ask him. None of these things can come out of my mouth"

"But there are reasons… that's what you're saying?"

Arizona pressed quietly and Owen sighed. It didn't make sense to deny it.

"You're all smart people and you've already understood there are reasons. There is always a reason. But I suggest you to come to terms with it before my nominee becomes official. I share your concerns and disappointment but… the Board gave me this task and I mean to do everything to deserve it. I won't let you hold me grudge for something I didn't do, I won't let you hold grudge to anyone belonging to this staff and hospital"

Owen saw sparkles in Bailey's eyes and he got what she was thinking. She blamed dr. Grey for this situation but it wasn't her place to do that. She just had to accept the decisions others had made and work with them. He cleared his throat to clear that point beyond any doubt.

"Decisions were made. Embrace them and behave as a consequence"

He marched out of the room leaving them breathless.

"Wow…" Teddy was staring blankly at the wall in front of her. She had been stunned by Hunt's words. He was a nice guy but Bailey had apparently bothered him and he had reacted as a leader, the figure the Board wanted him to be.

"He has already taken the role" added Callie.

"He has… but he's right"

Both Callie and Teddy turned to look to Arizona.

"We don't know how we ended up here and it's none of our business. Webber stepped down and Shepherd gave up chief. We may like it or not but it went like this. They had probably very good reasons and it's not our business to share or agree with them"

Bailey snorted and stood, slamming her medical review on the table and making them all flinch.

"Fine… Play the good girls till you like, I won't do it"

"Bailey…"

"No. I won't let Meredith Grey mess up with our lives. What she did is wrong and, if these are the results, I won't shut up and smile to her like nothing happened"

She walked away slamming the door behind her back and the three surgeons shut up. Arizona cleared her throat.

"Well… I don't envy dr. Grey right now"

"Me either… This is going to be even worse than fire hoops. She's on war path again" Callie settled her empty plate on the table and stood. "It's better I go and warn Shepherd"

"What?! Why?"

"As last thing he needs is Bailey making pulp of his wife… unless he didn't give her this task himself. In this case… Grey is going to need a doctor soon"

"Well… my patient needs one now so…" Arizona stood and planted a kiss on Callie's cheek "see you later. I'll be around if you want to update me".

Robbins left the room and smiled seeing Karev waiting for her near the nurses station.

"Were you waiting for me?"

"Of course I was. I paged you a hundred time. I thought you got it was rather urgent"

"Oh I did… but it was my lunch time and, more than that, I wanted to see if you were able to manage the case by yourself. This said… I'm still an attending and it's better you keep control of your manners, dr. Karev" added Robbins firmly. Alex swallowed and nodded.

"I'm sorry… but this baby needs surgery. Like now"

"I know. That's why I booked an OR where everything is ready for us"

"You what?"

Arizona rolled her eyes and started to walk down the hallway.

"A nurse was so kind to bring me a copy of the scans"

"So you left me running left and right and you already knew everything?"

"I did" she turned around and looked to Alex smiling "You just need to have someone sign the consent for surgery now"

"I've called Karen. She's going to be here in a few minutes"

"Good. I'll see you in the OR then"

Arizona made some step backwards but Alex stopped her.

"Just wait…"

"Why?"

"Shouldn't we inform Shepherd about this?"

"Why? Zola is not his patient anymore and we don't know if it was the shunt which did this"

Alex stroked his eyes, Arizona was right but he couldn't come to terms with this.

"No, we're not. But he has been following her since day one and…" he stopped seeing Robbins arching her brows, speech failing him.

"And?"

"He should know"

"No, he shouldn't. And as Zola's doctor you can't go around seeding medical information to people not involved in the case"

"He's not people"

"He is…" Robbins stretched her words and Alex sensed something definitive in her voice "Look… I feel there is something you're not telling me but it wouldn't change anything. Karen has the legal custody of these kids and she'll sign the papers. Any other person here is unnecessary, doctors or not doctors. Let's just keep them out, ok?"

Alex breathed out and Arizona took it as an acceptance.

"Join me in the OR with the papers, Alex"

* * *

Webber was in the gallery staring down to Shepherd's OR. He knew this was none of his business but the temptation had been too big.

He wanted to know what was going on between Meredith and Derek as something was. Despite her attempt to minimize things and sound normal and perfectly confident, Richard was sure they hadn't made up yet. He could see it, he had seen it. He knew them as a couple for too long not to catch the lack of affection, tension, flirting. Their interaction was reduced to the minimal levels and that was enough to scream problem.

Richard had fooled himself things could go back to normal quickly, he had fooled giving Meredith her job back could be enough to establish the balance they had lost. Derek had sounded confident himself the previous evening but, apparently, things hadn't gone so smoothly and Webber felt the guilt on his skin.

He breathed out, closing his arms across his chest, staring at Derek running an apparent easy surgery completely in silence. That scream problems as well. Shepherd was a chatty guy, he liked to teach like that and he loved to talk to Meredith while operating. He had clearly admitted it relaxed him, it linked useful to likable and it was something he never renounced to. But today he was and that meant there was nothing he wanted to discuss with his wife.

Richard sensed a presence behind his back and turned around, spotting Owen on the doorframe.

"How is it going?"

"Pretty smoothly… Derek has already controlled the bleeding"

Hunt sat near Webber and looked down. The interphone was on but no noise reached their ears.

"Shepherd is strangely silent today…"

"He is…"

Owe got perfectly the meaning of it but decided to let it go. He had already enough problems to deal with, something Richard wanted probably to know.

"So… Bailey ate my face today…"

Richard looked to him swallowing and Owen felt he didn't find the news unexpected. Unpleasant but not unexpected.

"She said I'm not ready to take your place and I'm a fool if I think to do it"

"It's not you she's mad at"

"I know. But she makes it look like she's…"

"I'll talk to her"

"I didn't say it so that you'll talk to her. I said it to you as I think it's your face she wants to eat and I wanted to warn you"

Webber chuckled and sent a quick, amused look to Hunt.

"Don't worry about me, Hunt. Bailey has already scorned me but I held the ground. I kind of feared she was going to face you too but you're alive so… I'm done worrying"

"Lucky you as I'm not"

"Miranda is making a matter of principle out of this. I guess she has it on Meredith. And me. The fact she faced you today doesn't mean she won't respect you or your authority"

"I don't know what she wants. But I made clear I won't tolerate unilateral ventures and personal retaliations"

"You're already marking the territory…"

Webber gave him a smile and patted his shoulder.

"Good, Hunt. People need to feel the leadership and the control. You put your foot down and now they know you're doing seriously"

Owen sighed, he wasn't so confident as Webber but he was dancing now and he wouldn't stop. He took a look to his clock. It was late afternoon and it was almost time for the big news. He cleared his throat standing.

"I need to go and check on my patient"

"Just go. It won't be easy to move around when the news will spread around"

"Are you staying here?"

"Yes… they're almost done and I need to talk to Meredith"

"I'll see you around then"

Owen left and Webber focused on the OR again. Something was going on, at least Derek had started to talk again.

"This can't be the reason of the seizures. It's minimal and peripheral"

"It's the only injury he has. And his history doesn't mention anything about epilepsy. You surely don't go around wandering in the woods if you may have a grand mal seizure any minute"

"There must be something else…"

"Like what?"

Meredith realized her tone had been harsh, she was a resident and she really couldn't respond to her superior like that. She waited for a stern remark which never came. She raised her eyes from her microscope and met Derek's stare. He hadn't rewarded her with a scold, just a cold look.

"I'm sorry dr. Shepherd. But we've analyzed his scans like a hundred times and there was nothing else"

"Maybe we're just looking in the wrong place"

She sighed and focused on the exposed brain again. This surgery was torture. Medically speaking there was a truth in what Derek was assessing. Both the bleed and the fracture were small and usually she would agree with him. But there was nothing else apparently.

"Aren't the labs ready yet?"

"I don't know. We started the procedure and I didn't check if they came up"

"Do it, please"

"Now?"

"Now, dr. Grey"

Meredith stepped back from the table and pulled gloves off. She lowered her mask and picked up the phone, dialing the lab connection.

"It's dr. Grey here. I brought you a sample a couple of hours ago and I didn't get the results back. Ok… I wait" she took a look to the OR in the while. Nurses and doctors were all silent. They had sensed the tension apparently and nobody was cracking jokes or making comments. Meredith looked up and noticed some doctor in the gallery. Her eyes rested on Webber and she squirmed. He was piercing her with a deep stare, her fake calm with Derek had been unwrapped and she was sure she would get a preach later. A voice sounded in the receiver and she focused on that.

"Yes… that's it. What?"

Derek's face moved to her direction and she realized her face had to express deep astonishment. Right what she felt.

"Are you sure? And why in hell didn't you call me immediately? No, I'll send a nurse to pick them up"

She hang off violently and reached Derek's back.

"What's wrong dr. Grey?"

"The lab found traces of a poison in the blood"

"They found what?"

Derek looked to her and it was his turn to be stunned. Meredith swallowed, ready to reveal the worst part.

"The lab identified it as snake venom… a pit viper or something like that. It's highly neuro toxic"

"Hence the seizures. Look for the bite"

"What?"

"If there's venom there's gonna be a bite. Look for it. We need to get where it entered in circle and how much it has spread around"

Meredith lifted the gown covering the patient and Derek saw her eyes searching his body, her hands touched and rolled the man's legs and then she adjusted the cloth back.

"There's nothing here"

"Keep searching… it must be somewhere"

"Somewhere where? Snakes don't fly"

Derek looked up from the microscope; despite Meredith freaking out was getting on his nerves, she was right and he was confused too. But there was a reason he was a neuro God after all. His brain worked efficiently and coldly and quickly.

"You're right… Snakes don't fly but men bend. He was going looking for mushrooms… Look at his hands"

Shepherd went back operating and Meredith approached the guy's arms. She lifted the garment and saw it immediately. A little hole right between his thumb and index. It wasn't even bleeding, it was just reddened.

"Here it is…" she moved the hand cautiously and inspected it. It was almost impossible believing such a little wound could make so much damage.

"Ok… now I need someone to go down to the lab, pick up those results and run to find a serum. This guy hasn't much time left"

"I'll go, dr. Shepherd"

A nurse marched out of the OR and Derek looked back to the patient's skull. The procedure was over, it had been a standard procedure and he had been right. The problem was not the fracture or the minimal bleed coming from it, it was a silent killer acting from inside. This knowledge didn't make things any better though.

He started to close the patient when a beep filled the room, disturbing him.

"What is it?"

"A cell, sir" a nurse informed him.

"Not mine… Dr. Grey?"

Meredith knew it was hers, she had recognized the melody, she had just received a text. It was useless to ignore it, Derek was closing up and she couldn't help anyway, she needed to scrub in and it would be worthless seeing the procedure was over. She approached the table and picked up the phone, she pressed on the little envelope in the corner and her eyes narrowed reading the content.

"Something important?"

Derek's irritated voice reached her ear and she put the cell in her pocket.

"No, sir"

"I've finished here" he retrieved from the operating table and took off the lamp on his head "Just bring him to the ICU, I'll be there in a few minutes"

"Ok, dr. Shepherd"

The nurses started to prepare everything to move the patient away and Derek walked out, in the scrub room. Meredith stood there, not knowing not to do. Zola was in surgery, Zola was sick and Derek loved Zola. She didn't know if he had continued his plan to adopt her, she didn't know if he had given up due to their problems and the mess which had invested their and his life. The only thing she knew was that Derek loved that baby and he needed to know. She took a deep breath and entered the little room, Derek was still washing his hands. He sent her a quick look before taking a towel and drying his forearms.

"You can go if you want… we have still twenty minutes before mr. Hugh is ready for the first visit"

"I don't need to go anywhere"

Her cell thought differently. Another beep announced news and she took it snorting. It was Alex again.

"I'll see you later"

Derek took the doorknob and was ready to leave when Meredith's voice paralyzed him.

"Zola is in surgery"

He turned around, shock and astonishment evident on his face.

"What?"

"Alex has just texted me… She's in surgery"

"Why?"

"Bowel obstruction… It was her scans… this morning"

Derek took off his scrub cap and stormed out of the room, almost crushing against Richard. Meredith stood there and sighed seeing Webber coming in.

"Everything is ok?"

"Absolutely"

Richard looked to her and closed his arms across his chest, a small smile on his face.

"You said you and Derek were fine. That looked everything but fine"

"Indeed… it wasn't. He hates me and we shouldn't be working together"

The Chief felt almost slapped by Meredith's assessment. Derek was impetuous and sharp when he was mad, but there was no way Meredith could doubt his love, especially after all he had done to give her her job back.

"Derek doesn't hate you. What's going on between the two of you? I thought everything was going to be fine after yesterday"

Meredith sent him an incredulous look and rolled her eyes.

"You talk like him. Do you think that the fact you took the blame for me and gave me my job back solves everything?"

"No, but I think and thought it would help. And I think that what Derek did would too"

"What did he do?" Meredith's eyes sparkled in anger and Webber frowned "Oh yes… he let you take the fault and you made some kind of freaked agreement. I'm sorry for the both of you if I don't feel good with it like you do"

"Derek and I didn't make anything, Meredith. I took my decisions and he took his. And from what you're telling me, I get that you don't know what he decided"

Meredith's face went blank. Now the Chief said this, she realized she didn't. She had just assumed what was going to happen but she didn't know for sure. Derek's hurt face reappeared in her head and she shivered.

"What would that be?"

Both their cells beeped and Richard took his. The announcement. Now Meredith was going to know.

"You just need to check your phone to know it. And then I suggest you to go and talk to your husband"

He opened the door and turned back, seeing Meredith petrified, her cell in front of her face.

"And so you know… if someone needs to apologize here, it's me, not him"

Webber disappeared in the corridor and Meredith sighed.

She really needed to find Derek.

* * *

Cristina entered the resident lounge and saw Avery and Reed sitting on the couch, their cells in front of their eyes.

"Are you sending texts to each other?"

She opened her locker and took an apple, sitting on a chair in front of them.

"We're just waiting…" added Jackson with a lazy voice.

"Waiting what? For an invitation for dinner?"

"For an official announcement which should arrive in minutes"

Cristina arched her brows and looked to Reed amused.

"So are they really going to downgrade you?"

"Just shut up…"

All their cells produced a shriek sound and Cristina took her out of the labcoat.

"Oh my God…"

Jackson searched their faces to read a reaction. Reed's mouth was agape while Cristina was still arguing with her phone, chewing her fruit.

"Richard Webber is not the Chief of Surgery anymore" said Jackson looking straight to Cristina. Yang raised her eyes, puzzled and shocked. He was trying to read her face and wanted to look straight in her eyes while commenting the next, more upsetting news.

"Owen Hunt is the new Chief of Surgery"

"Who?"

Cristina couldn't control her surprise, she opened the text herself and froze. Her eyes darted in the room while her brain processed the information.

"Yang…"

"Just shut up, Avery"

She stood and started to pace in the room. Now it all made sense. The shirt, the pants, the moment Owen had taken for himself. Everything had probably happened so fast… Meredith was expecting Derek to become chief… Was Shepherd expecting it too?

There was no sense in assuming and cracking her mind in thoughts.

Owen was her fiancé, she had right to go and congratulate him.

"Cristina… didn't you really know it?"

"Do I look like I knew it?"

She opened her arms and sent Avery a penetrating look.

"I'm sorry… Usually these things don't arrive so sudden…"

"Well… this time it did. I knew Webber was going to step down…"

"How?"

Cristina was measuring the room with nervous steps, tormenting her hair in the while.

"Meredith told me… I just thought Shepherd was going to become Chief"

"Apparently not… apparently the earthquake was stronger…"

"What do you mean?"

Jackson swallowed, taken aback by the quick reaction in Cristina's voice. He didn't want to start a new argument on Meredith's acting and position. The Asian doctor read his hesitancy and prodded him.

"Come on, Avery. I won't kick your ass, I promise"

"I don't think it's a coincidence"

"What?"

"Meredith coming back here… Webber stepping down… Shepherd beaten on the finish line… and you didn't know anything. I guess your boyfriend would tell you if he received such an offer…"

"He would… if he knew he was going to get it. And you're right. This wasn't a coincidence and that's why I need to go and do something" she marched out of the room but reappeared seconds later, smirking, just her head poking in the room. Jackson raised his brows and Cristina chuckled.

"Nothing… I just thought that Adamson might want to change my weekly assignment since I'm officially miss chief now"

"Get the hell out of here"

He hadn't finished the sentence that the door was already shut closed and Cristina was walking down the corridors looking for Owen.

She spotted him at the end of the hallway, shaking hands with some doctor she didn't know. She approached him smiling and Owen smiled back, taking in a deep breath.

"I guess you heard…"

"I did… so… congratulations"

She extended her hand and Owen took it, stroking the back with his thumb.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before…"

"It's fine… when did you know?"

"I was asked yesterday evening and… I don't know if I did good or wrong but… I accepted"

"You did great. You're gonna be a good chief, Owen"

"Thank you"

"And I'll be the best miss chief ever"

Owen chuckled and let go of Cristina's hand.

"I know you will…"

"So…" Cristina got closer repeating the morning's posture, circling his waist with her hands "this is the reason of your elegant clothing… Are you trying to impress your subordinates?"

"No, just to look professional. But apparently I've already impressed someone…" he lowered his voice whispering in her ear "the only one I'm interested in"

"Good to know… So… can we celebrate in an On Call room?"

She gave him a mischievous look and Owen blushed.

"I don't think I should lock up in rooms with my gorgeous girlfriend from now on"

"Why?"

"As I'm the Chief. And I should be example for everyone"

"And you'll be. Everyone will know love and sex can make wonders"

"Cristina…"

"Come on, Owen… you're chief now but it's still you and me and we have right to cuddle somewhere without you dishonor your position"

"I know. Just not the first day, ok?"

"Whatever…" she looked around snorting and Owen's face contracted in a smile, he chuckled and Cristina looked to him pissed. "What?"

"You're beautiful, you know?"

"Cut the crap and don't try to wrap me up with corny things. I'm growing a headache"

"So no cuddling and celebration tonight at home?"

"No way. You turned me down and you'll be banned till I decide you're worth"

"You've got to be kidding me…"

"You'll see… Bye, Chief"

Hunt watched Yang walking away, his eyes attracted magnetically by her hips. He nearly jumped on his feet when he sensed a hot breath on his neck.

"Chief shouldn't undress subordinates with one look"

Owen rolled his eyes and saw Mark standing near him smirking.

"Sloan… I wasn't…"

"You were" he chuckled "dirty on your face, Hunt"

The trauma surgeon sighed, he couldn't really deny it. Sloan grinned and decided to move the game forward.

"Don't worry. You're the Chief now. You can order everyone to drop pants, Yang included"

Owen looked to him stunned.

"I'm not using Chief to get sexual favors"

"What a waste…"

"And I don't need them either. Go do your job, Sloan"

* * *

Derek was walking quickly and almost blindly down the corridor. A nurse had paged and stopped him in the patient's room and he hadn't stood the chance to go and see what was wrong with Zola. The thought had never left his mind and he had found awfully difficult to focus on his case and the questions the nurse was popping. Now he had finally adjusted everything and he was heading to the OR. He took his scrub cap out of his pocket and adjusted it on his head, securing the ties. He opened the door of the scrub room and his heart fell to his stomach seeing Zola's little body splayed on the table. He couldn't see her face as the gown was covering it but he could see her little feet and this was enough to break his heart. He took in a deep breath and started to wash his hands. The door opened behind his back and he turned around, seeing Meredith looking to him concerned. He diverted his eyes and raised his hands in front of his face, ready to take the plunge.

"You shouldn't go in there, Derek"

He ignored her and stepped in. The door hissing announced his arrival and Robbins raised her eyes, incredulous and stunned to see him there.

"Shepherd…"

"What's wrong with her?"

He approached the table but didn't stop to look to the operating field, he stopped near the baby's head, sucking in a deep breath when he saw Zola unconscious and with a tube down her throat.

"You shouldn't be here, Derek"

"What's wrong with her?"

His voice sounded unpleasant and harsh, Derek felt it too, but he couldn't control it.

"Well… you already know it since you are here. There was a bowel obstruction and we're trying to figure it out"

"Was it my shunt?"

"I don't know yet. What I know is that I need to focus now and your presence here is not helping"

"I just want to help"

"Then go. We're wasting time and you have no reason to stay here, dr. Shepherd"

She looked back to the patient and Derek stood there, almost paralyzed. He stroked his eyes tiredly and he thought he was dreaming when someone touched his side.

"Let's go, Derek"

Meredith's soft voice rocked him and her green orbs were staring deep into his. He felt his defenses drop to his feet and his voice shook.

"What is your plan on fixing this?"

Robbins felt the hollowness in Derek's voice and looked up. She had taken a first look to the situation and she knew more now, she could try to reassure him to get him out.

"It's just kinked. Once I get in I'll remove the adhesions. And I fix the obstruction, the shunt will be fine"

"If it's not? What if it's disconnected or broken?"

"Then I convert to a V.A shunt. Derek, I can do this"

Shepherd couldn't force himself to walk away. A hand touched his shoulder and Meredith talked to him again, soothingly.

"Let her do this. Arizona is a great surgeon and she can do this. Let's let her work"

She pressed on his shoulder blades and sighed realizing he was finally moving. They got to the scrub room but Derek didn't stop. He walked out in the corridor and Meredith followed him.

"Derek…"

"Not now, Meredith"

He had hidden his face in both hands and her heart squeezed. He was really feeling bad and she wanted to help. Her hands touched his sides and he turned around quickly, shocked. She didn't back off though. Her eyes locked with his and she took a deep breath.

"Let's go wait somewhere quiet. Alex is going to come and look for us once they're done"

She touched his forearm and they started walking down the corridor. Meredith felt like she was accompanying a sick or lost child. Derek was speechless and unresponsive, she set a hand in the small of his back and led him into a conference room, turning on the light and closing the door behind their backs. She put the blinds down and looked to Derek worried, he had sank on a chair and was raking a hand in his hair. He looked hurt and hopeless. She sat near him and soothed his back in circling motions.

"Zola is going to be fine"

"I know" their eyes locked for a moment and Derek breathed out "you can go. I'll be fine"

"I don't want to go. I'm done doing this, Derek"

"Doing what?"

"Hurting you… and myself… and our baby"

Her husband swallowed and she took his hand, splayed on the table. She led it on her belly and kept it in place, covering his fingers with hers.

"I'm sorry for what I told you yesterday"

"You thought that"

"No, I didn't. I was just pissed and I said the first thing which came to my mind"

"You thought that, Meredith. You thought that an year ago and you think that now"

"No…"

"We're not going anywhere if we keep lying to each other"

He saw her face dropping and forced words out of his mouth.

"We've always fought, Meredith. We've said awful things to each other… but we talked. We've always talked"

"And we're talking even now. I don't think you let Richard take the fault for me as you wanted to get Chief"

Derek read in Meredith's eyes she meant it. But somehow he needed a further prove.

"It's much easier to say this now you know I didn't get it"

"You're right, it is. And I'm sorry I was blind and deaf yesterday. I was just pissed as I felt you and Richard decided for me and I lost it. But I trust you Derek in this… I trust you… and I'd like to hear from you how things went"

Derek pulled his hand out of her grasp and stroke his eyes.

"It doesn't matter now, Meredith"

"It does matter. You stepped down for me, didn't you?"

He looked away and she felt tears in the corner of her eyes.

"You had to choose… having me back or taking Chief"

He sighed and it was more than an admittance.

"You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to ruin your career for me"

"My career is already set back, Meredith. This wasn't even a choice" he met her eyes briefly and then looked away.

"Chief was your professional dream"

"It was… before Clark it was. Then everything changed, I changed. And I think that was the moment we started to lose touch. And it was my fault"

"Derek…"

"I was scared to let you know how weak and scared I felt and I closed you out. I have pretended for months to be the usual me but the truth is that the person I was died in that elevator. And I was too coward to admit it. You were pregnant and I didn't want to weight on you. And then things started to mess up and you said things and I…" he waved his hand and let it fall on the table. His eyes were glassy and Meredith felt a tear on her own cheek "I started to think I had become a pitiful case"

"Don't say this… Don't you ever say this"

"We keep hurting each other, Meredith. You say things and you do things and I answer worse. I can't breathe if I think to what I said to you"

"I can't either. And this only shows that you love me and I love you. We can put an end to everything and start new. It's what I want, Derek. You just need to think and feel if you want it yourself"

Derek's eyes were low on the table and Meredith squeezed his hand, she shivered when she didn't feel anything back. She let go of his fingers, feeling suddenly cold and scared. Tears were streaming down her face and she wiped them away, clearing her throat.

She stood and looked down to the man she loved, to the man she had married. His silence was carving a hole in her chest and she couldn't take it anymore.

"I'll be back when Alex calls…"

* * *

_The moment you realize everything changed…_

_The moment you realize somehow you were left behind…_

_This moment… when you can't change things anymore but things start to change you… is the moment you learn that love, sometimes, is really not enough._

* * *

Ok... don't rush into conclusions. I know this finale doesn't leave room to hope but, in next chapter, everything will be revealed.

As in the real GA, Zola will bring Derek and Meredith back together.

They just need to talk and Derek opened a full track of stuff they need to face.

Guilt... angst... regret. But a deep love which, I swear, will be more than enough.

I recieve daily alerts of people who are following my fics. I hope you'll spend some second to write a review!

I wait!


	50. FAMILIES

Hey...

This chapter is a stream of consciousness.

I loved writing and I hope you'll love reading it.

It's all about MerDer.

Bad moments, tough moments.

And in the end...

* * *

_Family…_

_Noun, feminine, singular._

_One thing…_

_But is it really one and only thing?_

_As it looks to me like it defines multiple people, multiple heads, multiple hearts._

_Therefore… it's also true that if you take a piece out of it… everything dissolves out of thin air._

_So I guess it's better not to linger on grammatical analyses and just get to the point: the family is a whole. _

_If you try to devise pieces, you kill all the rest._

_You take an element… you take everything._

_It's like an open heart… complicated surgery_

* * *

Meredith got to the door almost blindly.

The lack of response from Derek's side had dig a hole under her feet and she needed to get out of there.

She took the doorknob and pulled but the door didn't open. She didn't remember locking it but she tried the lock anyway. It was open. She pulled again but the damned thing was stuck and she looked up. Her eyes narrowed seeing a palm splayed against the wooden surface, her breath hitched in her throat when Derek's hot breath caressed her neck.

"Of course I want to be with you, Meredith"

She turned around and swallowed seeing him hovering, his face two inches from hers.

She wiped tears away and her voice shook.

"I thought…"

"I love you. I do love you"

It was the first time in days Derek's voice sounded firm and reassuring. And more than that, Meredith got lost in his eyes, his blue orbs which were telling her about never ending addiction and commitment.

His look, their look was there.

Probably veiled by days of suffering and pain, of doubt and regret. But it was there and Meredith closed her eyes right before Derek pulled her against his strong chest.

It was like being home again.

The tiredness and sadness she had been feeling for days drained away as she lost herself in the sweet moment, her husband was hugging her, holding her, stroking her back tenderly and she reciprocated the gesture. Her arms circled his trimmed waist and then slid up, to his shoulder blades. Her cheek leant against his heart out of habit and she felt his stubby cheek scraping her forehead. Hot fingers rubbed her face and she looked up, Derek was looking at her intensely, he loved her but this didn't take away the horrible things they had said to each other, the misunderstandings, the miscommunications, the superficial mistake she had made and which had cost him his name and reputation.

"We need to talk, Derek"

"We do"

He sighed and walked away, raking a hand in his hair. There were so many things to discuss Meredith didn't know where to start from. Derek had raised topics far in time, very complicated, maybe it was more cautious approaching stuff starting from now.

And the last wrong she had made him was related to the trial.

Even if Derek had admitted the Board had pressed him into a hard decision, she wanted to know more about it, everything about it. She took in a deep breath and sat. She tried to express the question in a good way, she didn't want to corner him or make a false step.

The trial failure had really destroyed and set back both Derek's personal and professional life. They were trying to fix the first now, but this couldn't be made if they didn't talk and solve even the second part. Meredith felt in two ways about it. She was sorry for her husband, she hadn't meant for any of this to happen, she hadn't meant to destroy everything he had created with years of work and effort. But, despite everything, she couldn't say she regretted her choice fully. She regretted the consequences, not the reasons which had led her to act like that.

Derek was not going to like it, but she needed to be true to him.

"I'm very sorry about the job, Derek"

"It's fine"

"No… it's not. Why did you let them corner you?"

Shepherd turned around, sighing, his hands on his hips.

"What was I supposed to do, Meredith? I got from the very beginning the board wasn't going to overlook this mess"

"What do you mean?"

"Jennings made it pretty clear right after mrs. Fane announced me the black listing. He was embarrassed… he was confused… but he implied the position was going to be discussed. And I had nothing to object"

"So that was it? They just came to you and said it was over?"

"No. I guess Richard tried to force their hand. He admitted to be the one cheating on my trial, he said you were covering him. He hoped to save both of us but it wasn't enough"

"Why?"

Derek sat and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Meredith felt he was forcing himself to say things he didn't want her to know. But this wasn't attending to resident, it was husband to wife and he was flowing her with information.

"The Board didn't buy the picture he drew them. They said you and I… one of us had to know"

"And I did know"

"But they thought I knew too. Or at least they thought I wouldn't tell you out if I had. It was about our relationship, Meredith. And the bound we both share with Richard… They took his version, but they didn't recognize our non-involvement in the matter. Richard…. He wasn't expecting this…"

Derek raised his eyes and Meredith swallowed. The conversations Derek was referring her had probably lasted hours, endless moments of awkwardness and bitterness. He had been put through the ringer, his career and curriculum had been inspected and turned upside down like a glove. The Board had pressed him, enquired and criticized his teaching methods, the way he managed his department and residents. Only now Meredith was understanding the proportions of the mess she had dragged Derek into.

He was an honest man, he was a great doctor. And he had been humiliated. Her throat closed up imagining his cocky, arrogant, proud husband being questioned like an undisciplined boy.

She had put him in the condition to take critics, to take remarks, to take judgments. Usually Derek didn't take this stuff passively, for her sake… he had.

She swallowed, her eyes prickling, and addressed him quietly.

"So they offered you a trade?"

"Yes"

"You shouldn't have accepted"

"Why? Do you think I had a better pick?"

She opened her mouth to talk but nothing came out. She tried again.

"You could go on with your plans and let me face the consequences of my actions"

"You've never been able to accept consequences, Meredith. Not before… not this time… never in your life"

"This is not true"

"Since the moment you switched those files you haven't suffered one bit. While the others around you lost their job and lost their reputation… you were busy playing the heroine and keeping high your spirit about what you did"

"I tried to take the blame but nobody listened to me" she said through gritted teeth but Derek shook his head.

"You don't get it, do you?"

Her face recoiled a bit and she licked her lips, preparing for a new reproach.

"Get what?" she whispered.

"Nobody listened to you as you're nothing… in the medical world… you're still nothing… You're just a new resident and you should act like that. Do what you're allowed to do, do what you're suggested to do, do what you're ordered to do and take the responsibilities you can put on your shoulders. There was no blame for you here"

"This is not fair. I did…"

"And it was my fault!" Derek slammed his hand on the table and Meredith flinched, silencing. "I had to understand something was going on with you, I shouldn't have trusted you like that. But I did and it's my responsibility. Haven't you stopped for one second and thought about the little fact mrs. Fane didn't even want you in that room?"

Meredith looked away and then her eyes settled on her hands, on the table. Derek went on, relentless.

"Or did you think Richard had screwed the documents so well she didn't get it was your doing?" he paused to catch his breath and went on "she knew it was… she knew but she didn't give a crap. And she said it straight to your face"

"You knew things were going to end like that?"

Derek closed his lids for some second, his fingertips drawing soothing circles.

"Of course I did. Everybody did. I screwed up a national, blind trial, Meredith. I was lucky they didn't take my license" he stood and raked a hand in his hair, leaving it tousled and disheveled. He rounded the table and stopped, leaning heavily on a chair, his arms tensed, his eyes cast down "Haven't you stopped to think about this before doing it?"

He locked eyes with her and she swallowed, her eyes blank, her face unexpressive. Derek read the answer and pronounced it for her.

"You hoped nothing was going to come out… that's what you thought. And when Karev warned you about the possible consequences, you decided to shut him up, to shut his conscience up. You were superficial and over confident. And too arrogant to ponder things. I can see the same look even now"

"What look?"

"The one you have when you think the world is pissing you off and doesn't get you. The same look you had that morning in the conference room when the FDA inspector kicked you out and you didn't want to go"

"I just wanted to help you" said Meredith, her voice almost exasperated, scanning each word firmly.

"And you couldn't. That was on me"

Meredith rolled her eyes and stood, rubbing a hand on her belly to calm herself down. When she turned to face Derek, he got she had something to tell him, something to clear, something to spit out of her stomach.

"What is it, Meredith?"

"Nothing…"

"We're talking… just say it"

"I think this attending thing is a load of crap. I think you just wanted to protect me"

Derek's face hardened and he sighed, nodding.

"You're right. I wanted to protect you from yourself, from your blindness, from your professional immaturity. But that's it. I didn't shut up to save your ass, Meredith. I shut up as talking couldn't make any difference and I didn't want to make myself more ridiculous than that. I did it for me. I did it as it was far more useful to sound like the screwed attending than the screwed husband. And finally… you're a woman who doesn't need protection… you can face everything but yourself. And I can't protect you from yourself"

"So why did you stand up for me and didn't get chief?"

Derek sighed, his Adam apple rolled in his throat before he could whisper Meredith something which opened her eyes definitively.

"As I didn't think being Chief in a hospital you don't work in anymore could be constructive for our marriage"

Meredith's eyes moistened and her nose wrinkled. All the time she had spent crying on their relationship, Derek had been busy planning their future.

He had avoided her, he hadn't talked to her, he hadn't met her.

But he had been ready to bet on their future and refuse a promotion he had fully deserved and earned on the field.

"I could live with that… I could have worked things out"

"Really? How?"

He sent a defying look and Meredith realized she was out of words.

"Maybe you could for some week, Meredith, for some month. You would have enjoyed your leave and motherhood and then what? You're a doctor… you're a surgeon… you've been studying all your life to get where you are. Would you really give up like that?"

She sank both hands in her pockets and looked down, ashamed.

She had been sloppy and a little bit liar. She wasn't ready to give up her job, she loved it too much.

"You once said you wouldn't love me if I gave up being a surgeon… if I gave up my talent. I didn't get it when you said it, Meredith. But now I do and probably I wouldn't love you either. But, more than that, I couldn't live with myself if I let you make that choice. So… when Jennings asked me to choose… it wasn't difficult at all. It was like he was asking me to leave or stay and I decided to stay. I'd not have a future in Seattle without you. I could not get up and go to work and leave you home. I can't imagine you anywhere but here… I couldn't ask you to build yourself another life, I couldn't ask you to look for another job. My life and career are here as long as yours is too. Besides… this is your home much more than it is mine".

He sank back in the chair, rubbing his face tiredly.

Meredith felt touched by his words and, above all, by his gesture.

Another man would dump her, another man would let her alone in front of her own disaster. But Derek wasn't that man, he had never been and he kept not being despite everything.

Was there any love greater than this?

Probably not. Only she felt it was shaking this time, she felt she had dared and done too much and she didn't want Derek to resent her.

"You can't imagine how much I appreciate what you did, Derek. But I don't want you to run to conclusions and resent me one day"

He frowned and looked to her and Meredith got she had to explain better than that.

"What you did hurt you… what I told you yesterday hurt you… there would be no shame in changing your mind…"

Derek shook his head, a little incredulous smile stretching his lips. He looked down, propping his arms on his knees, and cleared his throat.

"It was not what I did which hurt me, Meredith. It's what you did. And the knowledge your opinion didn't change at all. You still think what you did is right… don't you?"

"I explained you my reasons…"

"And I told you they weren't enough to do what you did. Have you at least got that?" Meredith looked down and then shook her head. "Then we shouldn't be working together…"

Her eyes jumped up and her mouth stretched to a thin line.

She had lost the thread apparently, she thought they were talking about their private and Derek had shoved job on her face again.

"I thought we were talking about us now"

"No… I have never talked about us till now… I am still trying to unwrap the professional issue and we're far from doing it if you didn't reconsider your acting as doctor"

"I did reconsider it… in part…"

"Which part?"

"The part when I thought this was an irrelevant manipulation of your trial… the part where I didn't stop and think of possible consequences… the part when I deceived all your patients"

"That's it?"

"Is it not enough?"

"No… not really. The mistake was much before this… the mistake was when you decided to change the future of one of our patients… when you decided to take the drug away from him or her to give it to Adele. Do you really don't get that?"

"I do… I do get that. I know it was… it could feel wrong"

"It was wrong… and if you don't get that nobody here will be available to work with you"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I need to trust the people I work with, all doctors need to trust each other, I need to know we speak the same language when it comes to medicine and cases… I need to trust you"

"You were doing everything but trusting me today…"

Derek closed his arms across his chest. He hadn't meant to be harsh or rude to her during their case, but it was true, he hadn't trusted her the way he used to. He hadn't left her any space, any initiative. He had checked everything she had made, everything she had written, every drug she had prescribed. It was like he had fought her too, like he had been asking the whole day if she was acting text book or was leading the case according to her own beliefs. He shook his head and Meredith misread him.

"It was crystal clear, Derek. You questioned me continuously. You didn't trust me"

"Why should I trust you?"

The question had been so quick that Meredith was taken aback. But there was else which was upsetting her. Derek was mad, for the first time since they had started the conversation, he was mad. He hadn't been when he had explained her the Chief thing, when they had talked about the FDA. He was now. His eyes were flashing and he stood, pacing in the room.

"Why should I ever trust you?" his hand slammed against the wall and the frames hanging shook, just like his voice "You ended my trial, you set back my career, you nearly ended your own, you destroyed Richard's. I have no reason to trust you"

"Why do you want me back here then? Better… why are you with me?"

Derek approached her, hands in his pockets, and then slammed one on the table.

"Because of that"

When he backed off, Meredith was astonished seeing their post it lying on the table. He was looking at her and a lot of feelings were mixing in his blue gaze, making it stormy and cloudy.

"Because I meant that…" he breathed out, backing against the wall but never breaking eye contact with her.

"I promised I wouldn't run. I promised I would love you"

"Even when you hate me"

"Even when I hate you. I am trying, Meredith. I am trying, but you make it so damn hard"

He started to pace in the room again and Meredith took the little paper in her fingers. It was days she didn't see it, from the moment Derek had taken the little wooden frame and said he was going to hang it in their brand new bedroom. She know it was stupid, she know they were really and legally married now, but that post it meant more to them than their official marriage certificate. And it wasn't a coincidence if Derek had been going around with his hand written promises in his pants. It meant he had thought about it, he had constantly reflected on their situation. And he had finally understood that everything he wanted was right on that minuscular piece of paper, that he still wanted it no matter what.

But it did matter to her.

This wasn't supposed to be tears and blood, it wasn't supposed to be sacrifice. It was their marriage and last thing she wanted was to strangle him in a relationship he didn't believe in anymore. She wasn't that woman and she couldn't do it to anyone, especially Derek. She had seen how much Addison had obtained playing with his sense of duty and obligations. She had tethered him for months and price they all had paid had been enormous. They had been all miserable. She didn't want him to be miserable, she didn't want to be miserable herself. And she didn't want to make their child miserable.

If things were supposed to end, she wasn't the one to insist on keeping them alive.

She set the post it down and when the sentence she wanted to utter formed in her mind her throat closed, refusing to let it out. She had to swallow before doing it.

"I understand. And I don't want you to keep the promise, not if you don't want to, and not if you can't trust me with our daughter or son"

Her words, shaky and trembling, touched Derek's core.

She had hurt him but he had hurt her back even more strongly.

She was ready to let him go, to make a step back and this time it was not for her own behalf, for her fear to commit. He had really undermined her confidence as future mother and he needed to fix that.

"I do. I trust you with our baby"

"Well, you said I won't probably be able to teach manners or morals or whatever ..."

"It's not what I said" he breathed out, shame spreading in his heart "anyway… I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that and I don't think it"

"You made it sound like you did think it"

Meredith lowered her eyes, her fingers caressed her belly and she closed her eyes trying to collect herself. Even if she was perfectly aware Derek was mad days ago, she hadn't let that sentence go. It had entered her brain sneaking and raised fears and doubts she had overcome… at least she had thought she had… Derek had ripped wounds open and now she was two years back, where making kids was taboo and the ghost of her mother's failure was lingering in the air like a warning.

She opened her eyes when she felt a warm and soft hand on top of hers. Derek was sitting in front of her, his eyes clear and concerned.

"I know that you altered the trial for Adele and for Richard"

His fingers interlocked with hers.

"You faced hard times for me… you faced Kepner and you would have faced a court … I know why you do all of it… It's what I love about you"

"And what you hate about me"

Their eyes locked and he nodded, sighing. Meredith looked down and pushed her voice out. It was weak and low.

"I know I'm a difficult person to deal with… You've done too much already"

"Nothing is too much when you love someone… And you did the same for me too, Meredith. This is not a race"

He took the chance to savor the feeling of their baby moving and kicking. It had been a long time… too much and his face relaxed, joy pouring out from every pore. He looked like a kid in the candy store and Meredith ate his face, his features; she watched mesmerized his eyes getting bluer… sparkling in excitement, she watched fascinated the little wrinkles carving his forehead while he smiled, his cheeks opening to reveal the most perfect smile ever.

Derek was going to be the best daddy and she hadn't to be worried about that anymore. Her efforts had to be invested elsewhere and, even if this moment had been perfect and corny, they needed to go back discussing their issues. As she had no doubt… she wanted to fall asleep with Derek's hands on her belly that night and wake up in his strong arms the following morning.

* * *

"Suction, please"

Robbins' dry voice sounded in the room and Alex obliged. It was one of the few things Arizona had said after Derek and Meredith had left. It wasn't a coincidence.

Apparently he had the gift to piss the world lately.

This time it had been worth though.

He kept his eyes on the table, the bowel was still occluded and the attending was trying to work it out. They hadn't found the cause yet but it was a matter of time.

"So…" Arizona's voice echoed in the room, cold and detached. Karev looked to her but she wasn't doing the same. Her eyes were fixed on the baby's organs. "Care to explain what the hell were you thinking?"

"Nothing. I just passed them the information"

"After I told you not to. I repeat… what the hell were you thinking?"

Her voice sounded colder and sharper if possible and Alex shivered.

"Nothing… Shepherd had worked on Zola since she got here. He had the right to know something was going on"

"And he would know… that's what charts are for, Alex. Don't you know?"

"These are not information you want to get from charts"

"Oh really? Because, unless someone here doesn't have a special spot for you and texts you every time there's a change in the patient's draw, charts are the only way medical information run around. Written… clear… worldwide understandable. You want to break rules, Karev? Fine… Grow a pair and do it till the end. Don't look for lame excuses"

"I'm not. You're just asking things I'm not comfortable discussing here"

Arizona chuckled and Alex looked to her speechless. She didn't behave like that usually.

"Forgive me, but I think it's too late for that. You can be deaf but I'm not. All these people are speculating on the reason why Shepherd lost it when he got to know"

Their eyes locked and Karev felt all her reproach weighting down on him.

"So, do us all a favor, and confirm the daily gossip flying across the hospital"

"What would that be?"

"The world is talking about an adoption… is that right?"

Her blue eyes met his and Karev looked down, an awkward silence falling in the room. He cleared his throat, careful to the cutting and sewing Robbins was making.

"I don't know"

"Oh come on… The world saw your friend Karen cornering Derek a few evenings ago. Cut the crap, Karev. It's too late to seal your big mouth"

"I really don't know. I was sure they would try… but now I don't know"

"What does it mean?"

"That I'm not on speaking terms with Meredith if you haven't noticed. And Shepherd… I'm not his hero either right now"

"And you decided to win points using this case…"

"No"

"Selling them information"

"No"

"Informing them that Zola is sick so that they'll look elsewhere"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"People don't queue to adopt ruined babies, Alex"

"You don't know what you're talking about"

"Oh… I do"

"You don't!" he hissed and all the present flinched, looking astonished from Robbins to Alex. Arizona was piercing him with blue, strict eyes but he didn't back off. "Maybe I didn't have to tell him… you want to suspend me… blackmail me… right… just do it. But don't you dare to say they won't adopt this baby because she's sick as this would mean you don't know a damn about your colleagues"

"Oh, really?"

"Really. If they backed off it would be because of me, because I screwed their life so much I don't know if they're gonna make up. You are all pissed with Meredith… that's the second gossip of the day… her being back here… but this doesn't give you the right to insult her like that or insult Shepherd like that"

"And why would you care?"

"I'm still friends with them… they're probably not with me but I am the way back. And I don't let people seeding crap on my friends when I'm in the same room"

He snorted and looked down, steaming off. He saw Robbins' hands start to work again but didn't say anything, a thick silence had fallen in the room and it was surreal. Suddenly Arizona cleared her throat and spoke, her voice a little bit more cheerful.

"You heard that, Spalding?"

Alex looked up and saw the young intern squirming in the back rows. If he had answered, nobody had heard and Arizona didn't let it go.

"I asked if you heard that, dr. Spalding…"

"I did, sir" came the shy and frightened answer.

"Good… so now you learnt what you had to… there are those rectal inspections I told you about"

Karev saw the intern snorting and preparing to leave.

"And…" added Robbins with a milky voice, freezing the unfortunate guy on the door "remember your patients are little people… I would be crossed if I heard complains about your skills… I could decide to devote your hands to that specialty for weeks…" She looked up and smiled to Alex from under her mask "I think we're clear… Spalding"

"Yes, sir"

Before Robbins could add something even more unpleasant, the young doctor trampled out of the door, his fellows laughing for the lesson the attending had just given him. Arizona went back working and Alex looked to her, his brow arched in curiosity.

"Dr. Spalding overheard a conversation today and he spent his working time badmouthing about a couple who had decided to give up an adoption because the child turned out to be sick. And when I questioned him, he started to shake like a coward and said it was your telling. He proved to be a totally useless guy. We gave him a good teaching, Karev, well done"

Alex looked around and saw nurses and doctors smiling to each other. He sighed looking back to the patient and Arizona sensed his discomfort.

"Are you all right, Karev?"

"Yeah… I just don't get where was my teaching. I'm not properly a model of behavior lately… and it's not like I was in the past"

"You're wrong"

Robbins voice sounded warm and light and Alex looked to her. She felt his gaze and went on, calm and gentle.

"You proved to care, today. Even if others look not to do the same about you. You were ready to stand up and fight. And even if I didn't share your feelings and needs about Zola and her case… you stood your ground and showed you didn't spend useless time in here"

Alex looked down just in time to see her cut out a little piece of the baby's bowel. It was dark and dead, probably the point everything had stopped and caused the occlusion. He searched for other problems but didn't detect any.

"Is the shunt working?"

"It appears it is… We'll keep it checked while we close her up"

She stretched her hand over the table handling him a tool. Alex looked to her, hesitant.

"You want to perform the anastomoses, dr. Karev?"

She popped the question lightly and Alex took the iron she was offering him. He swallowed looking down and starting to unite Zola's healthy intestine. His hand was shaking lightly and Robbins raised her eyes, looking to him strictly and with incredulity.

"Did you have a cup of coffee before scrubbing in, Alex?"

He breathed out and looked up, passing the tool in the other hand and stretching his fingers to win the tremors and numbness he was feeling.

"Of course not"

"Fine… as I didn't offer you the final part of this surgery so that you could mess it up"

"Sorry… I'm just feeling the pressure"

"Surgery is pressure"

"It's more when you're operating on a kid who could become your roommate in a few weeks"

"And that's why I gave it to you"

"Excuse me?"

"I thought you would skyrocket with Shepherd and Grey if you saved their want-to-be baby"

"Oh… I would… if I don't screw it up and they kill me first"

"Just relax…"

"It's much easier to say than doing it"

"Your life is not on the line…"

"Thank you for your optimism and trust"

"It's nothing about trust… I just know that if you mess this up I will kick your ass. Badly. And that's the reason you shouldn't be worried about the Shepherds"

"As you would kill me with your own hands?"

"Just because I like you"

Her brows twitched upwards and Alex rolled his eyes.

He focused back on the procedure and this time his hand was firm and steady.

Maybe this thing could really work after all.

* * *

The baby had stopped moving and Meredith took Derek's wrists, pushing his hands away.

He got what she meant to do and nodded.

"So you can't trust me at work?"

The conversation had been suspended for a few seconds and they had lived a perfect family moment. Now they were back in difficult topics again and Shepherd sighed, preparing his answer.

"No, I can't"

The sentence sounded as a break up and Meredith's heart filled with sorrow, loss. She had deserved that and it made sense. The Board and FDA had taken most everything away from Derek, she could deal with losing something herself. The idea popped in her mind almost naturally.

"Well, that's easy, then. We just don't work together"

Derek frowned, backing against the chair.

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm off your service. That's my consequence. We just can't work together"

"It's not that simple, Meredith"

"It is. I'll ask the Chief to change my specialty. You know I can do that"

"It wouldn't solve the problem anyway. You broke my trust… mine but everybody's too. You just can't switch specialty and think this will go away"

"So what? Am I banished forever?"

"No… but you need to think carefully of what happened. As if you do it, we'll be sure you wouldn't do that again. And we'll be ready to trust you the same way we used to"

"So you want me to say I'm sorry?"

"I want you to be sorry"

He stood, taking some nervous step in the room. This conversation was tough and Zola's image on the table was crossing his mind. It was exhausting and Meredith was sending him mixed signals. One minute it looked like she had repented, the following she was barricading all over again.

One step forward, two back.

He turned around and she was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Of course I'm sorry… I have never meant for any of this to happen. I just… took that decision without thinking it over… But I've never taken anything away from other patients, Derek"

He tilted his head to the side and his brows furrowed, his arms closing across his chest. Meredith stopped talking, it was the first time she was opening up and revealing details about the big bluff. She had entrenched behind a wall of silence and denial and she had refused to do this conversation even if propped and encouraged. Now the defenses had crumbled down, she owned Derek an explanation.

"I switched Adele's file. But I didn't take another patient's. Mr. Thomas… the man who died before surgery… it was his drug I gave her"

"Meredith…"

She saw disbelief in his eyes and decided to say the whole story.

"That's true… I offered up to take his file back in the lab and you allowed me. Everything was fine then… The idea hadn't entered my brain… I had no reason to think to do something like that"

"What happened then?" he added out of breath. Meredith sighed and looked down, when she glared to Derek again her eyes were lucid and she was fighting tears.

"I crossed the hallway and spotted Adele. She was sitting in the waiting area and there was something wrong with her. She looked… absent. Then she told me to get closer and I did but… She was not her… She was a bitter and nasty woman and she attacked me… She thought I was my mother, Derek, and she thought I was pregnant with Richard's baby" Tears were streaming down her face now and Derek felt sorry for her, he really could picture what had happened. Meredith brushed tears away and went on, sniffling "I tried to root her, I said this was your baby and she got even more mad… She insulted me… she said I could be your mother and you had just got married and I…" she swallowed through tears and forced herself to go on "I finally made her understand I was Meredith and then I left. You can't imagine what I was thinking, Derek, you can't imagine how I felt having her reversing on me the hatred she had proved for my mother. I entered the department and Marcia was there. She came with me holding the new patient's file and it didn't take much to get whose file that was. In the mid of the operations she was paged and left me there by myself. I know it was wrong… I know the trial had to stay blind but I couldn't resist and checked Adele's assignment. Placebo…"

There was rage in the way she uttered that word and Derek flinched, his head shaking. Meredith didn't stop though. She had started to talk and she needed to get till the end.

"Placebo… My mother had destroyed her life, she had blatantly messed up a marriage and probably never realized it. I did realize it and I decided I could at least try to give Adele and Richard more time… That's why I switched that file… but I've never damaged anyone doing it" her voice broke and Meredith abandoned to inconsolable and copious tears. She hid her face in both hands, probably realizing this wasn't true anymore. Derek sighed and closed the distance between the two of them. He got down on his knees to hug her tightly, rocking her, feeling his scrub top wetting with his wife's tears.

"Sshhh"

He felt her relaxing in his arms but the sobs didn't go away. He held her all the time she cried, his heart aching at the same time and way.

He couldn't stand to see her so desperate and broken.

Now he had got everything, finally, and sorrow and regret were swelling in his gut.

Meredith was not a bad person, at all, she wasn't careless and sloppy. She was just too sensitive and she had meant to make up for mistakes which didn't belong to her. She had got caught under this and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. He tightened his grip even more, pressing her face on his chest, trying to let her feel safe and loved, trying to push pain away, trying to get her calm down. And it worked. The tremors slowly decreased and Meredith sniffled, straightening up. Her face was still tears stricken and Derek wiped everything away with his thumbs, soft and delicate. Their eyes met and Meredith sucked in a deep breath, she pushed Derek back and stood, pacing in the room and trying to collect herself.

"I didn't take anything away from anyone"

"Ok…"

He sat on the chair Meredith had occupied till moments before and looked to her, propped on his elbows.

"You need to believe me"

"I do believe you… I do believe you, Meredith. And I'm sorry…" she breathed in and out, trying to catch her breath. She had taken a big stone out of her stomach and she was starting to feel better, she felt free for the first time in weeks. Her eyes met Derek's and she saw compassion, understanding. He was shaking his head lightly, affected by her telling. He stood and walked to her, rubbing her arms and sides gently. "I'm sorry you had to go through that"

"Aren't you mad?"

He lingered a moment answering her and she stopped his hands, tilting her head to the side.

"Of course I'm mad. This thing was bigger than us from the very beginning and we let it slip out of control. I'm mad to everybody… myself included" he raked a hand in his hair and walked away, his hands on his hips, his posture screaming tiredness and defeat "I had to see it coming… Richard was too involved in it. He pressed on me from the very beginning, he lost his lucidity, he lost perspective. He went from denial to aggressiveness and I overestimated his strength. I thought it was just the initial shock, I thought he needed to let off steam with someone… I thought he would react but he didn't"

"You can't resent him, Derek"

"I don't… I feel for him. He was desperate and I didn't help him enough. I tried but I did wrong. I gave him stuff he didn't need and I wasn't able to judge things in the right perspective. I kept treating him like my boss and not a friend, a man whose wife was affected by a bad disease. He needed support and all that I was able to give him were procedures and protocols… I failed, Meredith"

"You didn't, Derek. Things sometimes are too complicated and we can't set them in the right order. Richard is… Webber… the chief. He always says the right thing and does the right thing. Until he screws up. He did this time and probably you gave him too much credit, you thought he could keep it together"

"No… it wasn't that" Derek sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly "I saw how tired and shaken up he was. I saw all these things. But I didn't get how much seeing someone you love disappearing in front of you could change who you are. It changes who you are, Meredith. It changed you when it was your mother and it changed Richard when it was Adele. And I…" he diverted his eyes seeing her pained expression, shutting up instantly. But Meredith ended the sentence for him.

"It would change you too"

"How could it not?"

He buried his face in both hands and Meredith approached him, caressing his forearm.

"Derek…"

"This was the reason I set up this trial, Meredith"

He looked up and saw her swallowing. Bitterness was detectable in his voice and Derek was sure he didn't look Mc Dreamy right now, he looked like a hopeless guy, someone whose targets had been sucked away irreparably.

"I'm sorry I freaked you out with the Alzheimer's gene, Derek"

"You didn't. I had started working on it much before. And I kept doing it even after we agreed not to pick up the damned test. It was part of my change, Meredith"

"What does it mean?"

Derek sighed and stood, measuring the room. He felt they hadn't sorted out the trial issue yet and Meredith was bringing up another, a bigger one. Something he didn't know where to start from.

"It's complicated, Meredith. And it's not I don't want to tell you but… I'd like to close this argument before plunging in something else"

"Ok…"

He breathed out, relieved. He needed time to clear his mind about Gary Clark and the things he wanted to explain her.

The trial had been faced and he just needed to find the appropriate closure.

"You know I had been working on Alzheimer for years… even before coming to Seattle. I had settled the idea away as I hadn't found good starting points and ideas. When I admitted your mother… it was just a haze of assumptions and tests not connected one to the other. But there it clicked. I started to feel it like a need. She had died but she had risked to take you away with her and I… I really wanted to go on and develop things. Then we broke up and we set up the glioma trial. I got distracted by hot surgeries and impossible cases. Gary Clark put my life back in perspective and I knew I couldn't live one more day as a doctor without studying Alzheimer, without fighting it. Then you came out with the idea of the test and I proposed Webber to support me with a trial. He said no. I worked harder, I found founds and I made this one"

"I'm sorry I blew it up"

"But you don't get the reason I felt and feel like this, Meredith… do you?"

She swallowed realizing there was something awfully calm in Derek's voice. And no, to tell the truth she hadn't reflected on the reasons why he had taken it so badly. Better… she had assumed it was for his job, his reputation, his career. It would be enough but now… now she felt it wasn't for that. She hunched her shoulders seeing her husband approaching her, his gaze nailed on her face, it was like he was reading through her soul and she squirmed. His hands landed on her shoulders and her heart nearly stopped when she locked eyes with him. His orbs were pools of crystal clear water and all she could see was pain and love.

"It's not for my job, Meredith. It's not for my reputation and the poor figure this failure will imply… I'm bothered but I don't care. I've been a perfect no one for years and I've lived perfectly fine with it. I don't need prizes and awards to feel good about what I do, to feel good with myself. I guess it's part of my arrogance. I know my skills and that's enough. I don't plan to go around the world seeding knowledge and claiming my superiority. I'm a good surgeon… a great one maybe… but this makes me feel good as I can save patients, I can save their life, nothing else. I built my name on a few qualities and they are still right there. Time will take this disgrace and dishonor away and… in the while…. I'll be the same guy. I'll fight the same odds and I'll do it in the same way and my name will shine again… you don't have to worry about that"

"So what?"

Her voice shook as she read it on his face.

The answer had been there the whole time but she needed him to tell her, to show her once again what love meant to him. It was an immense force which pushed him further and further, never letting her down despite the bumps and mistakes she kept notching. Derek never judged her, he was disappointed, he got mad, but he would give his life for her. And it was what he had meant to do even in the hospital before she had taken and destroyed everything.

"I'm your husband, Meredith. I'm your husband and your worst fear is getting sick, is forgetting about me and our baby, is a disease which eats the brain and the brain is what I know better. I couldn't just go on and waiting for you to eventually get sick under my very eyes. I needed to do something, I needed to fight for you with medicine… I needed to do that for me. As I couldn't live with myself if I spent my professional life chasing impossible tumors not giving a crap about the beast which could take you away from me"

"Derek…"

"I know it sounds crazy… I know the project was ambitious and probably utopic… but with the things I had found and discovered I could really try to do something. And in thirty years I could have found… if not a cure… a way to slow it down. And if you had grown sick… I would have known what to do. Or at least I would have held no regret, I would have taken care of you with my conscience clear"

"I took this away from you"

Meredith's voice shook and a tear slipped down her cheek. Derek brushed it away, his hands resting on her face, rubbing her cheeks gently.

"It's this knowledge which has been killing me, Meredith. You tried to help Adele and Richard but everything ended. There won't be any trial… any cure… anything. I'll have to live my life helping everybody but you and this awareness choked me, it made me a worse person, it made me mad and mean and I… I had to fight the feeling of emptiness and powerlessness which strangled me. And I'm not over it yet"

"Derek…" she put her hand on his, still leaning on her face.

"I just wanted to help, Meredith, I wanted to devote my career to this, to you. My whole life turns around you… our family. I just can't accept to let time go and stay idle hands to wait for you to get sick… I wanted to do something and now… now I don't know where to go… what to do. But it has never been about you, it has never been about what I feel for you. I love you, Meredith… I love you"

Her eyes spilled more tears and she pulled him in a tight hug, her face resting in the crock of his neck.

This ultimate declaration of unconditional love and loyalty had torn her heart, swelled it. She didn't deserve that. In front of such words… such speech everything she could say… everything she could think to say sounded almost childish. Meredith was not good with words, she had grown better but she wasn't good and she regretted it. As never like now she wanted to find a way to show Derek she didn't feel less than him, she loved him in the same, total, upsetting way.

She backed off lightly and their eyes met, she passed a hand on his face and he relaxed in her touch, she passed it in his hair before whispering a shy and uncertain sentence.

"I love you too"

Derek's glare was piercing her and her knees went weak. Maybe it was too much daring for it… it was too much wanting it… after all these days… was it too much?

Derek was feeling the same apparently, he closed his eyes too and leant forward, his thumb still rubbing her cheek, his hot breath warmed her face and her lips parted in anticipation. She had to repress a moan when Derek's lips touched hers and they both got lost in their kiss, a reunion too long waited and expected. They were being unusually shy and chaste with each other but it felt good, it felt perfect and anybody dared to apply more pressure or to deepen the contact, their tongues stayed in the confines of their own mouths but Meredith, the woman who usually wanted to devour her man, her husband, her Derek, discovered herself liking this kiss and she parted when lust started to get control of her messed up hormones.

Derek felt the detachment too and took her hand, their fingers lacing and playing with each other. He brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles, his gesture almost devoted.

Even if the cuddling had clouded her mind and she wanted nothing but more, Meredith felt there was a lot more to discuss and that was the moment, they had waited for too much and now they couldn't push it back any longer.

Meredith sat, still holding Derek's hand, and he sat in front of her.

He detected the change of atmosphere in the air and sighed. Usually it was him who forced conversations and explanations, this time it was Meredith who wanted to explore all of his feelings and emotions. Maybe it was out of guilt, maybe it was they had avoided the subject too much, maybe it was all of this mixed and mangled… This was the moment to bare his deepest secrets and fears and time hadn't helped to process them. Meredith looked to be well aware of this, her eyes were full of concern when she talked quietly.

"You know you can tell me everything, Derek. I want to be here for you… I want to support you… and I had the impression you didn't let me… I know I am not that good in this stuff but…"

"It was not about you"

His stare was full of vulnerability and her heart ached.

"It was about me, Meredith. It was all about me"

He raked a hand in his hair and stroked his forehead. Meredith hadn't seen him in such a state from the first session in dr. Wyatt's room, when he had told her about his father, his sister, her drowning, the elevator and the tape she had never seen. She had sat on a chair that day and taken everything without stepping in, without commenting. Today it was different, today she could try to lead this conversation, guide him as she felt he needed that. She drew soothing circles on his knee and cleared her throat.

"Why do you say the trial thing was part of your change?"

Derek kept his eyes cast down and Meredith let him time, her fingers still rubbing his leg, to let him feel she was there and he could take all the time he needed.

"I needed to become a new doctor… I needed to turn leaf"

"Why?"

"As the me I was before had failed, completely"

"This is not true"

"I know you all think I am a good doctor, but I stopped believing it"

He breathed out and Meredith shivered, a bad feeling was spreading in her gut and she couldn't place it.

"Derek… what happened to you was enough to shake your certainties, I get that. But you said it yourself… you're a great surgeon"

"But not a good doctor"

Their eyes met and Meredith froze, her discomfort raised by the fact that Derek stood, breaking the contact which was making her feel safe and brave. She swallowed and followed him with her eyes.

"Well… these things come as a pack, Derek"

"No, they don't. I thought too they did but… then I realized it wasn't true. One can be a genius of procedures and be a good surgeon but lack in all the rest. Mastery doesn't make you a good doctor"

"Ok… but you have no blanks, Derek, anywhere in those two fields"

"I do, instead. Everybody here loves me, everybody here idealizes me as I'm Mc Dreamy of whatever but… Gary Clark brought me back on earth, Mer. He put me in front of a mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I had grown to be an arrogant, self-confident man who didn't listen to nothing but his own voice"

"It's not true"

"I put myself on a pedestal and judged everybody… my colleagues… Richard… all people who didn't fit my own made principles"

"Derek…"

"And I felt so self-assured and full of myself that I gave that man the idea that pulling the plug out of his wife was like a walk in the park"

"Stop it…" she jumped on her feet and her eyes narrowed in disbelief "We had already talked about this and I thought dr. Wyatt would take this stupid idea out of your head"

"She tried… she tried and she probably made it. But it's a sensation I can't forget, Meredith. I just… can't" he closed his eyes for a second and walked away, his hand on his stomach like he was feeling sick at the mere memory of this. Meredith walked silently to him and brushed his shoulder, he tensed sensing the contact but she didn't stop.

"It was something he said to you?"

Her husband turned around, his expression was stressed and worn out and she didn't feel good facing that topic again. Derek had mentioned it during the first meeting with dr. Wyatt and Meredith had never touched it again. If he had been a coward, she was a bigger one.

The violence Gary Clark had made on him was beyond any imagination and probably Meredith had underestimated the psychological side of it. The results on his person and body had been so impressing that everything had drifted in the background. Derek had told her to let him space and she had done, hoping dr. Wyatt would be enough to build back his self-respect and confidence. But things hadn't ruled out as planned and Derek was still suffering about it or, probably, hadn't healed in the way she supposed he had.

Derek backed against the wall, his eyes down, an attitude which scream self-defense but Meredith didn't want to let things go this time.

She approached him quietly and took his chin, raising it up. She repeated the question gently.

"Was it something he said to you?"

"It was both things, Meredith… What he said and the way he hurt me… not even an animal deserved that… but he did it to me"

"As he was sick, Derek"

"No… he wasn't. He was a perfect good man till a few days earlier… I took that out of him" he sighed closing his eyes and Meredith waited for him to talk again. "I couldn't establish a contact… I couldn't find the way to explain him why we had to honor his wife's wish. I wasn't a good doctor, Meredith"

He tried to walk away but she stopped him, her hands gentle but firm.

"You were… But doctors sometimes have to deliver horrible news, have to destroy your hopes. This thing doesn't make of us bad doctors, Derek. I wasn't in that room but Lexie told me… Richard told me… you tried to do all the things you said but mr. Clark didn't let you. He was disturbed and in denial… anything you could say would change what he felt. He was a ticking bomb"

Her palm found his cheek and she caressed it, hoping to take tension away. Derek breathed in deeply and then out. His eyes focused on the door, far from Meredith's face.

"He said we cut into her like she was an animal and he did the same with me…" Meredith's skin erupted in goose bumps but she kept her face straight "He said I killed his wife… I broke his heart and he wanted to make me feel the same… This took away the idea I had of myself as a doctor, Meredith… this took it away"

He walked away and this time she left him, she heard him sniffling and touching his face, probably to wipe a tear away. A thick silence fell in the room until he cleared his throat.

"I worked to get over this… this feeling. Dr. Wyatt helped me a lot but… even if I could put aside the attack… the rest was still in the same spot. I opened my eyes and what I saw didn't make me feel proud. There were a lot of colleagues who didn't like me, who thought I deserved what I got, who felt I had betrayed Richard, you thought that yourself"

"As we didn't know things, Derek, we didn't know things"

"Nothing could satisfy me anymore… nothing could give me peace… no surgery, no procedure… nothing anymore. I helped Peter and I felt good about it but after a couple of days… the same agitation invaded me again. I just felt good when I was with you at home, I felt safe. You saved me again… but then things changed"

He sank on the chair and Meredith took in a deep breath. Her resistance was going to fail soon, she couldn't see Derek so broken and helpless. And she felt on her skin where they were heading: Brad, their spats and the stupid sentence she had knocked him up with the morning the trial started.

He looked up and his lip quivered, he closed his eyes and started again, a train of feelings and emotions.

"I started to think I wasn't enough for you"

"How could you think this, Derek? Nobody has ever loved me like you do"

Meredith saw him recoiling, the rage and decision she had uttered this sentence with had surprised him. In a good way. But her husband was too battered and was nursing these feelings for too long to let them slip away so simply.

"We got distant… we said stuff… The more I wanted you the more I pushed you away. And you didn't make anything to fix our fights… you looked to have found new challenges here… you were all taken in Brad and the new department asset…"

"And you started to think I was with you just out of pity…"

Derek nodded, hiding his face in both hands and Meredith felt the need to vomit. She felt horribly. She had treated Derek like usual, thinking he was the same guy she had known, seeing him strong and balanced. But he was nothing of these things. He had been weak and vulnerable and she hadn't had any touch and delicacy. She had hurt him all over again, for Addison, for Brad, on work. The list of her mistakes was endless and she hadn't even realized. She knelt in front of him, sighing.

"Look at me…"

No reaction

"Derek, please, look at me"

This time he raised his eyes and Meredith took his hand.

"Every day… every hour of my life all I want is to be with you. Can't you see that?"

Her emerald eyes were burning his pupils and he could see she meant it. But his stomach churned realizing what his brain was suggesting him to say. Words spilled out as whispers.

"I do, Meredith. But I also know you enough to feel it wasn't always like this" he diverted his eyes and then looked to her again. "You felt lonely…" There wasn't rage, reproach, just the need to understand and Meredith forced herself to speak.

"I just didn't know how to act around you, Derek. You had closed up behind a wall of silence and didn't want me to know about how you felt. You pretended to be good and I did it myself. But I was scared… I was scared as I felt you were far away and I couldn't help. And I was pregnant and scared for all what was going on in my life. I didn't want to bother you and drowned myself in work. And I was so weak to feel flattered as I had other men looking at me… flattered and oblivious my behavior could be misread"

"I had to stand by your side…"

"I had too. And I had to open my eyes and realize Brad just wanted to hurt me and hurt you. But you need to believe me, Derek, I have never felt attracted by him. I have never thought of letting things go further. I love you and I would never cheat on you… Even if I acted like a careless bitch, I'm not one"

"I've never thought you were, Meredith. I love you, you're the most perfect woman on earth for me and I trust you. The fact that you felt flattered by him just got me to know I was neglecting you… I wasn't giving you enough in one of the moments you needed it more"

"The problems were mutual, Derek. I guess it was too much for the both of us. I don't want you to feel guilty about it, to put everything on you. I had my part in it, a big one. You needed me for the first time and I wasn't strong enough. I felt the tension, I felt the bitterness… but I have never thought this could change and cheapen your self-consciousness so much"

Derek chuckled and stood, walking away. Meredith followed him stunned.

"Derek…"

"A man almost killed me, Meredith. A man looked me in the eye and tried to kill me. I nearly lost my life, I nearly lost you. I lost the respect my coworkers had for me, I lost my dignity"

"This isn't true"

"I lost control of my body and emotions. Everybody touched me even if I didn't want, everybody saw me naked, everybody saw me crying. Do you still think they watch me in the same way?"

"They would be morons if they didn't"

"You say this as you're my wife, Meredith"

"No, I say this as I'm a doctor and I perfectly know how these things look like. But it didn't depend on you, it wasn't something you could control and it's something which didn't change at all what I think of you. You're a man, Derek, an incredibly strong and brave man who survived something most wouldn't. And I'm not talking just of Gary Clark. I'm talking about your father, your sister, Mark and Addison, what I did to you. It's a load of stuff and you survived and how you did survive. You're an amazing person, you're a miracle and that's the reason why everybody loves you"

"Meredith…"

He shook his head but she approached and took it in her hands.

"You're compassionate, funny, kind… You love your job as you love to save people as this makes of you the best of all doctors. Can't you see how people look at you when you step in a room?" Derek rolled his eyes snorting and Meredith's grip grew stronger. His eyes found hers again "It's not the Mc Dreamy crap, it's not as we idealize you. It's right what you are. You always find the right word, the right sentence. You are sympathetic when you need to be, impetuous when it's needed. You raise your voice and everybody shuts up. This is much more than respect, Derek. You think you lost something in the late months but I feel different. I feel the opposite and I wouldn't change anything of you"

"I…" he swallowed and looked away, his eyes glistered and Meredith saw him pushing back tears. He took another moment and then locked eyes with her. His soul was staring at her through misty, fearful eyes and Meredith prodded him.

"Derek…"

"You said it yourself, Mer… If I had been focused on my job, if I had been focused on that case, if I had really understood the people in front of me, I wouldn't have found myself in a court for attempted murder"

She opened her mouth to answer back but she found nothing to say. Her lips quivered and she felt bad realizing she had really uttered this horrible sentence.

She had almost forgotten about it, Derek had let her forget. When she had wanted to face the topic, he had begged her not to. And the wound had stayed there, open under his skin, bleeding all this time, infecting every certainty he owned. No wonder her husband had groped in this draining circle of guilt and self-deprecation. She had triggered the fuse herself, she had fed it and Derek had drowned, unable to shake it off his shoulders.

The apparent normality they had found had fooled her.

The matter was still alive, those words had hurt him as much as the bad mother thing had hurt her.

The only difference was that his offence was near in time and she had accepted his apology, Derek was been ruminating and beating himself up for hers for too much.

"It was one of the most stupid things I have ever said in my life, Derek. I thought you had forgotten about it"

"I tried… I did. But then I put things all together and I started to think they weren't disconnected"

"What does it mean?"

"You said that thing… and you took it back. Then you freaked out for Addison and we fixed it. And then came Brad and we cleared it out. Finally the trial thing… and you called me an opportunist, insensitive jerk. I thought…" he swallowed shaking his head and Meredith got it was something huge, something which had really destabilized him. Her brain started to work, trying to get what he meant to say and then reality exploded in her head. She recoiled, shocked, and her lip quivered.

"You thought I was punishing you?"

"Yeah"

There was so much misery in his eyes that Meredith had to choke back a sob. He looked down, ashamed and crushed, and seconds stretched like hours. When Derek looked up, he was fighting his own tears.

"I was confused, Meredith. It looked like my life had spin out of control. Every day a new issue came up and I knew I wasn't the usual me in our relationship. Dr. Wyatt kept suggesting me to talk to you but we just couldn't. And then…" he raked a hand in his hair in frustration, she prompted him.

"Then what?"

"She asked me if I really had reasons to doubt you were hurting me deliberately…"

"And you had?"

"Mer… I don't know what you told her during your sessions but we perfectly know I'm not the perfect guy you think I am. I did horrible things to you, I was careless of your feelings and trampled them… I broke your heart, more than once"

"I hurt you back, Derek"

"It was different. I destroyed every trust you had in me and you were just scared. You didn't choose to hurt me… it just happened"

"It doesn't make it any better, Derek. And you don't know how much it makes me feel bad you thought I hurt you on purpose"

"I didn't think that" he whispered , his eyes down.

"You have just said it!" she yelled, causing him to flinch.

"No… I said you had good reasons to do it… in my head… you had. But I don't think you would. I only sensed you could resent me, blame me. And this Meredith would be enough to start doubting my feelings, my loyalty. I didn't let you feel how much I loved you, how much you were important to me… and you started looking for it somewhere else… from someone else. And when Addison showed up you assumed I was going to go back to her as it was what I had already done, when Kepner went obsessive on me, you thought I had encouraged her. I know how this stuff can mess heads up, Meredith"

He walked away breathing out but Meredith gripped his elbow, obliging him to face her.

"What happened in the beginning of our story is buried in the past, Derek. You hurt me, that's true, I suffered, that's true. But you also know that I got what you did, I accepted your choice. It wasn't easy but I did as trying to work your marriage out… honor your obligations is part of who you are. And I love who you are. I have never resented you for that. It shook the ground under my feet and I lost trust in you… in us. That's true. But once we got back together, these thoughts never crossed my mind again"

"So what was it about? When Addison showed up… what was it about?"

"It was about her being able to talk to you and support you better than I could. It was about her being a better wife I'll ever be"

"You're talking non sense… you're the best partner I could wish to have. If I didn't lean on you, it wasn't because you were not able to take it"

"What was it for?"

Derek leant both his palms on her belly and locked eyes with her.

"You were pregnant, Meredith… you are pregnant. It wasn't planned and you had to face the first part of it without me. Dragging me around and wiping my tears away wasn't the best way to help you through it… I tried to protect you the same way you tried to do with me. I guess we ended up hurting each other more… raising misunderstandings and setting them aside without a word"

"Dr. Wyatt would be mad with both of us" she raised her hand and stroked his cheek, giving him a small smile. Derek kissed her forehead and chuckled.

"She would…"

Meredith closed her eyes, inhaling his scent.

"She would be proud now, though" she added in a whisper.

"She would"

His voice reverberated through her body. Her ear was pressed against his throat and she abandoned in the sweet, male sound. Derek circled her shoulders with both arms and pressed her again his chest how far her belly allowed him to. Meredith felt him sighing and looked up, searching his eyes.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Meredith"

"Me too"

His thumb drew soothing circles on her cheek and he smiled to her.

"Promise you won't keep stuff from me ever again…"

"I won't"

"Not at home… not here"

"I won't"

"Even if you feel I wouldn't agree with you. Even if you feel I wouldn't support you"

"Ok…"

This time her voice was a little bit shaky and shy and Derek breathed out.

"I wish you had talked to me about Adele, Meredith"

She didn't say anything and Derek went on, his voice calm and reassuring.

"I wish you had shared your concerns with me"

"I couldn't, Derek"

"Why not?" he breathed out.

She batted her eyelashes sometimes, trying to put stuff in the right way.

"What I did was against every regulation and law, Derek. I didn't want to involve you"

"It's not just that"

"It was my main concern" she walked away, rubbing her forehead. Derek saw her leaning on a chair and walked to her, his hands landing on her shoulders. He heard her sniffling and called her gently.

"Meredith…"

"You are my boss, Derek" she turned around and faced him "you're my attending. I couldn't come home and just say to you I had altered your trial. What would you have done?"

Derek swallowed, out of words, and Meredith took his silence as a confirm.

"I would have caused you troubles… I would have backed you into a corner… like I did when it was about Richard. I couldn't say it to you"

"Maybe you could tell me before…"

"It wasn't planned, Derek. And it wouldn't change anything. You're not a guy who screws up protocols, you are not the guy who would give advantages to anyone… You're not that guy. But I am… I am… and I couldn't force you to accept my mistakes silently"

She sat on the chair and stretched her back, it was killing her. She looked to the clock and sighed realizing a couple of hours had passed and Alex hadn't called yet.

When she raised her eyes, Derek was still looking to her.

"What?" she snapped, regretting the tone almost immediately.

"You're right, Meredith. We are different people. But I'm not better than you are. The fact I wouldn't tamper a trial to help a friend doesn't make me a good guy. It doesn't… But the point here is different…"

"What is the point?"

"The point is that we can't split work from being husband and wife, you get that?"

"I do get that"

"So… if you do… you should understand that you can't keep stuff from me hoping things will sort out just fine. I want you to trust me. I want you to confide in me. You didn't… and what I blame Karev for is that he didn't either"

"How does this concern him?"

"He had to tell me… you had to tell me. We could have managed this differently. You cornered me anyway, Meredith. You left me no choice than reporting you. Do you think I felt good about it?"

"No"

"And you're right. As I felt horribly. I felt powerless. Richard yelled and he fired you in front of me. I wish you had given me a chance to help"

A tear rolled down her face and she wiped it away sniffling.

"You said it right, Derek. I was too involved in this to think straight. I just wanted to keep you and the trial safe. That's the only reason I sealed my lips" she looked away, breathing in "I got my lesson. I got it and I'll never do something like this again"

"Ok…"

"If you forgive me"

His eyes narrowed and he sighed, taking Meredith in his arms again.

"I've already forgotten you, Meredith. I hope you will too"

"I have nothing to forgive you"

She closed her eyes, tears wetting her face. Her chin was pressed against Derek's clavicle and she relaxed. This conversation had been living hell for the both of them but it had cleared the field once and for all. Her heart was if possible more intoxicated by him and was beating out of her chest.

She felt Derek moving and sighed when he pulled back, looking to her in pure adoration.

"I just want to make you happy, Mer"

"Me too. And I'm already happy"

He brushed some tear away and smiled.

"It's hard to believe it with all the tears I made you cry today"

Derek caressed her nose tenderly and Meredith chuckled.

"They were worth if you will come home with me tonight"

"There's nowhere else I want to be, Meredith"

He kissed her and pulled back, their eyes locked glistering with emotion. Mc Peanut decided to break their tender moment kicking her belly and Meredith flinched.

"Ouch…"

"What?" Derek looked to her concerned and she smiled, bringing his hand on a bump on her side.

"I guess it's getting a bit tight in there"

She grimaced and watched mesmerized when Derek, his eyes twitching in excitement and happiness, bent forward, brushing her belly with his lips. He leant both palms on the place their baby was resting and started to talk with the most calm and sweet voice Meredith had ever heard.

"Hey, baby. It's Daddy here. I know you didn't hear my voice in the last days but it's time you do. And this is the first telling off I give you" Meredith chuckled and rolled her eyes, not stopping Derek from going on "We're happy you're fine and we don't look forward meeting you. But you need to stop kicking mommy. You can make yourself noticed in other ways… Besides… we already thing you're the most beautiful baby ever"

Unexpectedly, the inner movement stopped and Derek looked up, his face radiant and smug as ever. Meredith looked to him with wide eyes, pointing down to her belly with her stretched index.

"How did you do that?"

"My secret… love"

He kissed the baby bump and then her lips, so quickly Meredith moaned in protest.

"So that's it? Mc Peanut gets more cuddles than me?"

"Just now… when you let me out of the doghouse, there will be seas of cuddles for you"

Meredith smiled and her heart melted, they were fine and she couldn't help touching her husband. She grinned and her lips twitched up in a mischievous expression. Derek frowned, amused.

"What?"

"I missed you"

"I missed you too"

He leant in for another kiss and Meredith licked his lips, making Derek groan and break the contact before they could lose control. She giggled for his embarrassment and he rolled his eyes.

"You're evil, Meredith"

"I am not. I just want to kiss you"

"And I want it too. But you're awfully gorgeous and I want to behave"

"Ok… let's tune it down then"

She circled his neck with both arms and started to play with the curls on his nape, slowly pulling him towards her.

"Meredith…" he said in a warning voice, his eyes sparkling though.

"Just one more"

Derek took in a deep breath and then angled his head, his lips meeting hers and touching heaven. Her mouth was soft and amazing, it was silky and hot and he felt his heart hammering even more frantically. As promised, Meredith backed off, her face flushed in excitement.

* * *

_There's not such a thing as feeling committed and bound by the holy and sacred feelings keeping up a family._

_It may not be easy sometimes… but every word, every wound, every memory make it all worth._

_People are attracted by this magnetic and powerful pole of love…_

_Some kind of magic…_

_As you approach it by yourself and are magically connected to another person._

_Your family._

_And then this incredible strength starts to increase and multiplies for n-times… and you create new people._

* * *

"I love you, Meredith"

"Me too"

"We'll be wonderful parents…"

"I know… well… you already are"

"You are too" he touched her abdomen and she read all adoration and love right on his face. He really believed it. "This baby couldn't have a better, mom, Meredith. He… she… will be lucky. And I promise I will never let you down… I will never leave you. We'll walk through this together"

"I know…"

She smiled and Derek tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek with his thumb. When he met her eyes again, her face was still peaceful but she had turned more serious.

"What?"

Meredith touched his face and cleared her throat, Derek could see she was forcing words out through a tight knot.

"You're really an amazing dad, Derek… you already are"

"I became a father the moment you told me about Mc Peanut and I couldn't even stand. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. But my heart was flying and swelled… it swelled so much I was scared it would bust. But you did the same, Meredith. I haven't seen you so beautiful and wonderful like now… You shine with your own light… you were born to carry my baby"

A tear rolled down her cheek and Derek kissed it away. She sniffled and more tears spilled out. He looked to her, concerned.

"Meredith…"

"I thank you, Derek. But it's not what I meant" she wiped more tears away and looked down to him, swallowing seeing him clueless. "I know you have always loved our baby… a part of me thinks you survived for it…"

"I survived for you"

"Pregnancy gave you a reason to fight when you were about to give in… I know that and I get that… I didn't take part to the trial as it was your wish but I saw you… I read your chart and when I close my eyes I can't get how you could hold on and survive all of that… that's why I say you're an amazing person and man… and I know you love me and I saw your eyes when I told you about the baby. You really couldn't do anything but breathing… your face was stressed and tensed… it was painful just to look at you… but there was a light… a spark… and I knew you wouldn't give up without a fight. You became a dad in that room and you made me a mother too. You told me the right things and you made me believe I could do that"

"Of course you can, Meredith. You're passionate and full of love… I've never doubted you would be an amazing mother…"

"I did. And you took my hand and brought me somewhere I never thought I could get… We're happy, we're married, we're having a kid"

"We deserve that"

"But I feel there's something which could make it more perfect"

* * *

_You embrace new people_

* * *

Derek's mouth shut closed and he shivered. Meredith could feel his heart skipping a bit and she nodded, lacing her fingers with his.

"I know you think I've been avoiding you till now… you think you were a stalker as you came into our bedroom to check if I was fine… I sensed you were there, Derek. But I stalked you too, I watched you falling for the person who brought us here together today, that little girl who reunited us… That day… in the conference room… I really meant what I said before you dropped the trial bomb. I don't know if I will be a good mother… I don't know if I won't freak out… but I see that you love Zola, you love her like your own child. And this makes her my daughter too"

Meredith sniffled but wasn't able to choke back tears anymore. She was crying, she was crying as Derek was crying too. She had left him speechless and overwhelmed, unable to do or say anything. She smiled of their embarrassment and sniffled again, rubbing her nose.

"Just say something, Derek"

He shook his head and pulled her in a bear hug, almost crushing her. His voice was still broken with emotion when he talked.

"Meredith… I… I don't know what to say…"

"Say you want to do this with me"

"Of course I want… but I don't want to press you into anything…"

"You are not" she backed away and their eyes met, she smiled to him. "I'm scared, Derek. But in our family there's love enough to welcome another baby"

Derek could die right there, he didn't know what he had done to deserve to meet and be loved by such a woman. He took in a deep breath to calm his heart down. He felt like it was going to explode.

"Another baby" he said in wonder.

"Yeah…"

"Other babies…" he arched his brows suggestively and Meredith smiled back.

"Don't fly too high, now. Let's just start with one or two and see how it goes"

Derek burst out laughing recognizing his own line and Meredith laughed too, he squeezed her against his chest and she breathed out. Despite she had reflected and decided she could do that… giving birth to their baby and adopting Zola, she was terrified and just Derek's presence could give her strength, courage, the foolishness necessary to take a step like that. Which didn't make sure they would finally be granted with her custody. Meredith had made researches in the last days, she had made some phone calls and the premises weren't good. Zola was a stranger baby, her file was under the International Adopting Agency and that complicated things. She wondered if Derek had made further steps during their separation. She sighed and Derek noticed.

"What's wrong, Meredith?"

"Have you already started the legal process?"

He backed off, eyeing her quietly.

"No…"

"I thought you had"

"It was something we needed to discuss together, Meredith. I wouldn't go for something so important without your agreement and support"

She bit her lip and Derek tried to read through her thoughts.

"What is it?" he asked out of breath and she lowered her eyes, ashamed.

"Nothing… it's just we weren't together in the last days… I thought you would go for it even without me"

"Meredith… adopting a baby is something big… awfully big. I would be a stupid if I thought to do it by myself"

"You would be extraordinary anyway"

"It's not true… Someone told me we needed to be together to be… Differently we would just be ordinary"

"Well… I guess that was referred to me"

They chuckled and Derek touched her face. Now he could, he really couldn't help it. His eyes got lost in hers and he brushed his nose against hers.

"You don't understand how great you are, Meredith, don't you?" he backed away lightly and their eyelids touched, ephemeral like butterflies. He saw her irises dilating in surprise, to tell the truth all he could see were her eyes and he breathed in, love hammering his chest "it was my fault if I didn't let you know… but it's something I want to fix from now on"

He leant forward and this time his lips found hers, a static crossed his body where Meredith's mouth opened, letting him in. He moaned and touched the sky when she touched his neck, pulling him closer and torturing him with slow and skillful mastery.

Her breast pressed against his chest and he felt lust rushing in his veins.

She sensed it too but decided to ignore it. Her hand caressed his neck, one of her favorite spots, one of his sexiest spots, and then moved down to his heart. All his muscles were tensed and they felt great under her touch. It took all her self-control to break the kiss and pull away.

Derek was disappointed but aware of the fact she was right. They couldn't go on like that, they couldn't. Their desire was growing second by second and it was like playing with fire. He took in a deep breath and pulled her towards him.

"Derek…" she said in a warning voice, stretching her hand to keep the distance.

"I just want to hold you, ok?"

"No funny business?"

"Nope… I just want to hold you… the both of you"

She smiled and surrendered to his grip. Derek pulled her to sit on his lap and Meredith took the chance to lean her face on his chest. Her eyes closed and she relaxed completely, their hands joined on her belly.

Time looked to stop, every noise but his heart beat disappeared and they lost track of everything, lost in the contact and the happiness to be finally together.

* * *

_The whole consolidates, your family proliferates._

* * *

"You survived"

Arizona smiled looking to Alex. They were scrubbing out, the procedure had gone smoothly, Zola was already back in her room and she expected a full and quick recovery.

Karev chuckled and glanced at her.

"I would never give you the satisfaction to kick my ass…" he dried his hands and breathed out "besides… it's gonna be more fun seeing Shepherd doing it"

Robbins rolled her eyes and trashed the hand paper in the bin.

"It's starting to get on my nerves, you know?"

"What?"

"This self pity attitude you're developing"

"I am not"

"You are. I'm poor doctor Karev, I screwed it up, spank me if you want"

She used a low voice which was meant to mimic his and Alex laughed despite himself. He took the scrub cap out of his head and leant to the sink, thoughtful. He looked up when he sensed Robbins' presence in front of him.

"Come on… that was your chance, Alex"

"What?"

She chuckled rolling her eyes.

"You were smarter when you worked with me… faster... alert. You look like a zombie now… Wake up!"

"I am awake"

"Oh really? So what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you to dismiss me"

He crossed his arms across his chest and looked to her. Arizona smiled in disbelief.

"Right… you're free to go, Karev. Have a nice evening"

She walked out of the room and he followed her, snorting.

"Just wait"

Arizona turned around and looked to him, he diverted his eyes on the floor, shifting his weight uncomfortably. She raised her brows.

"What? Have you lost your tongue again?"

"No… I just wanted to know how long did you know about Zola and…" he waved his hand trying to remember how Robbins had defined them "the Shepherds".

He scrunched his face uttering that surname and Arizona eyed him curiously. Alex breathed out and answered before she could ask.

"I haven't got used to the idea they are married now"

"Well… according to the rumors you should" Alex arched his brows quizzically and Arizona smiled, sinking both hands in her pockets "apparently you complain about the small sleep you can get under the same roof"

"Seriously?"

"No. I was kidding you. I've already been involved once in your domestic sex life. Yours… and the Shepherds'…"

"Yeah… I remember…" he chuckled as the memory of that scene popped in his mind. He didn't know Robbins for long then, he didn't know she was into women, she just came up with the Mc Dreamy line triggering a discussion on newlyweds. And Derek humiliated him… elegantly, classy… smiling. He shoved on his face the amount of sex he was having with Meredith… all kind of sex. Glorious, acrobatic, dirty… not properly the kind of stuff Alex wanted to imagine her dear friend and his boss in. Months had passed and everything had changed. Well… but all the sex of course. Izzie wasn't in his life anymore and he was starting to grow up. Paradoxically a divorce hadn't served the purpose, the dishonor he had brought on himself, yes. He felt fine with the African kids project, he felt in peace with himself. He just needed to fix his friendship with Meredith and start new, which brought him back to Robbins and the conversation he had suspended to travel back in time. He raised his eyes and the attending was still looking at him, her brows arched. She had witnessed his mental journey and was waiting for him to come back in the room.

"So…" Alex cleared his throat "how long did you know about the adoption?"

"From this morning…" Alex's face fell "when Zola was crying desperately and the nurse suggested to page Derek. I thought she was assuming I needed a consult, I told her I didn't, she insisted anyway. She said he had the magical power to calm her down and I got suspicious"

"And I guess the chatty nurses were drooling to talk about Mc Dreamy doing magic with kids" Alex rolled his eyes, the man was the living poster of the hot family man.

"Oh yes… they were" Arizona smiled and closed her arms in front of her chest "They told me everything… how he had spent the previous nights watching over her… how he liked to stop by and play, how he liked to give her the bottle. They also said something about a very serious speech he had with your friend Karen and…" she tilted her head to the side, smiling wickedly and Alex squirmed, shrugging his shoulders.

"What?"

She closed her eyes to thin slits and gave him an angelic smile.

"I guess you don't want to know…"

She shook her head grinning and Alex rolled his eyes. They had probably gossiped on him and the program counselor… but who cared.

"Fine… so now you know everything… what should I do?"

"About Karen?"

Alex grimaced, his boss looked almost excited to give him tips about his sentimental life. It was not what he meant, though.

"About Zola and Shepherd… you weren't very happy I included him in the process today"

"No, I wasn't. But now I know you didn't do it to kiss his ass, to gain his grace back. You really feel for the patient and the patient could need him so… fine. I forgive you"

"Thank you…"

Arizona kept smiling at him and Alex snorted and took some step towards the door.

"Where are you going, Karev?"

He stopped and turned to look at her, stunned.

"To inform Meredith and Derek?" he breathed out.

Arizona raised her index and tilted it left and right, in denial.

"No way"

"You've just said…"

He stopped when she approached him sternly.

"Yes, Karev?"

He swallowed, Robbins was playing with him but he needed to be careful. Pissing her off was the fast track to get an extra round and he didn't want to spend the night in the pit, on call.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I assumed you had agreed I could go and talk to them"

"Nope… I'm going to go and you'll come with me"

"Oh…"

She made a step forward and stopped, shoulder to shoulder with him, lowering her voice to a whisper.

"It's the part when I'm going to chant your bravery and skill in that OR, Karev. Or… popularly said… I'll raise your liking at the Shepherd's…" she got even closer and Alex had to strain his ear to get what she was saying "Nurses are tired of lost puppy Karev… they said this too" she grimaced and opened the door for him, marching out. They met Webber in the mid of the corridor and he greeted them.

"How did it go?"

"Very good, Karev rocked"

"Well done, doctor"

Richard laughed and Alex looked to him frowning, he then turned his attention to Robbins.

"Are you really going to sponsor me like that?"

"I've just said the truth"

"I did nothing in that OR"

"Maybe not… but you brought that kid from the other side of the world and this makes of you my hero"

She smiled and spotted the conference room Meredith and Derek should be waiting for them. She slowed down hearing no noise from inside, her face getting serious. Alex eyes her curiously.

"What's wrong?"

"Do you think they're fine in there?"

She raised her brows suggestively and Alex smirked.

"What are you… scared?"

"No… I just thought we would hear yelling and fighting… it's all silent"

"Silence is good. Come on… don't be shy"

Arizona shrugged her shoulders and approached the door. She opened it and stopped gulping seeing Meredith and Derek engaged in a fear kiss.

"Oh… sorry"

She turned around and Alex arched his brows. When Arizona moved aside, he took in the scene in front of him and grinned, tilting his head to whisper in her ear.

"You won't joke about this anymore, will you?"

She rolled her eyes and produced the best smile to the couple in the room. They had jumped on their feet and approached them. Arizona smiled seeing their fingers interlocked. Maybe this mess would serve someone.

"How is she?" Derek breathed out.

The ped surgeon looked to him and felt like she was talking to the baby's father already. He was anxious, scared. The procedure Zola had gone through was routine, yet Derek Shepherd, mr. Impossible, was in front of her, his eyes full of concern and worry.

"Everything went fine, Karev did everything perfectly"

She saw Alex blushing beside her, Derek's and Meredith's eyes moved on him and he almost squirmed before pulling his courage together. He cleared his throat and locked eyes with his roommates.

"We were able to fix the obstruction, we needed to resect a little part of intestine but everything went smoothly. The shunt is fine… she's gonna be fine"

"Thank you"

Derek's voice was a whisper, like if he had been holding his breath for the whole time of Alex's description. Which was probably true. Meredith was stroking her husband's arm and smiled to Alex once he was done.

"Can we go see her, later?"

"Yeah… of course. She's back in her room… I guess you know the way" he looked down and cleared his throat. "It's all I guess"

He turned around to leave but Meredith's shaky voice stopped him.

"Alex…"

He turned around and saw Robbins eyeing him meaningfully. She walked away brushing his shoulder and leaving the three of them alone. Alex's eyes raised slowly from the floor and finally met Meredith's.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for today…"

"It was nothing"

"No… it was everything. And you weren't compelled to do any of this… so… thank you"

"You're welcome, Mer"

He greeted them nodding and walked away, a wide smile stretching on his face.

* * *

_And the good thing is that the door is always open to welcome prodigal sons back._

* * *

So?

It's hard times down here, guys. I need to know you're still here.

What was your favourite part? What was your favourite moment and sentence?

Let me know!

So Zola gave Derek and Meredith the chance to stop and talk.

It was difficult, it was painful but I hope you felt love everywhere as this is what I feel when Meredith and Derek are together: endless love.

I plan to write some more chapter: we'll know about Mc Baby, about Zola, about Meredith's hard times at work.

There's one thing Meredith has never asked to Derek: what happened in the elevator.

Let me know if you want them to face this topic.

I wait for your reviews!


	51. THIRD DEGREES

Hi guys!

Holidays are over, for now...

I update this fic and then I plunge to write a new chapter of WHYSAN.

I hope to get your opinion, it's important to know you're here.

I say it everytime ... hope for more luck this time.

See you in the end for my comments...

* * *

_Third degrees are tough experiences to deal with._

_Even if you studied, if you jumped out of college and university and med school… even if you're trained to give people impossible news… there's not such a thing that baring your soul to people._

_Explaining reasons… going from fact to assumption… _

_Juggling between truth and secrets you're not willing to tell…_

_It's a thin… unsteady thread._

* * *

Alex had disappeared down the corridor for a good five minutes.

Meredith had expected Derek would fly to Zola's room immediately but she had been wrong.

After their colleagues had left them, he had dropped on a chair, exhausted and deep in thought.

He was messaging his scalp lazily, like he was trying to push a mass of ideas out of his head.

The last couple of hours had been a real, total rollercoaster.

From the moment Meredith had led him out of the OR and to the desert conference room, a stream of feelings and emotions had upset their lives. Even if the result had been good, Meredith felt drained herself. She was trying anyway to support Derek, soothing his back and giving him time.

She was perfectly aware the conversation they had endured had been much worse for him than for her. Derek had bared her his soul once again, he had shown her his heart, taken it out of his chest and presented it to her like a gift. It had been upsetting and mesmerizing, but also incredibly tiring. The hardness and consistency of the conversation they had sustained had added to the worry he had been feeling for Zola.

Meredith was also sure Derek had been so true to her as he was in a condition of particular vulnerability.

He was weak and hurt and this had translated in a complete confession, something now she was starting to feel guilty for.

Derek looked to be without energy, empty.

Probably adrenaline had kept him upright. Now the stress of their mutual confessions was over and he knew Zola was fine, tiredness and weariness were winning their game.

Meredith sat near him and patted his leg, trying to startle him.

"Hey…" her voice came out gentle and sweet and Derek looked up, his features softening immediately. Meredith touched his cheek and cleared her throat. "Why don't we go to say hi to Zola and then go home? You must be dead tired"

Derek fidgeted with his clock and sighed before answering.

"I just needed a minute, Mer. I'm fine"

She smiled, her heart filling with warmth and emotion hearing him calling her sweet names again. He had just shortened her name but it felt heavenly, passionate and caring. Meredith had missed this so much that tears built up in her eyes before she could realize. She swallowed trying to push the knot down and Derek straightened up, worried to see her on the verge of tears. He brushed her face tenderly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" she brushed her tears away and chuckled of her own over sensitivity "I'm just an idiot whose hormones are taking the lead again" Derek pushed some of her hair behind her ear and brushed her nose smiling. "I've just melt when you called me Mer. I suck… I know I do" she rolled her eyes when Derek chuckled and leant forward to place a soft kiss on her lips.

"My pregnant moody wife… how are your nightly cravings going?"

"Oh… so bad. Can't you see it?"

She pointed to her body but all Derek could see was just perfection.

"You're gorgeous, Meredith"

"I'm not. I'm fat…"

She pouted and Derek smiled brightly, male proud spreading all over his face. His eyes traveled down her neck and imagined her forms hidden under the labcoat. Meredith almost shivered under his scrutiny and slapped his arm.

"Eyes up, there!" she hissed, a grin stretching her lips though. She felt beautiful when Derek looked to her like that, like she was the only woman on earth, like she was sexy and desirable. He was the only one who set her skin on fire, even after all these years, after the endless nights they had spent to pleasure each other, each time felt like the first. Her body was aching for him and she craved for their reunion. It was not going to happen right then though. She stood and pulled Derek up too.

"Let's go to see Zola now"

Derek nodded to her words and followed her out of the room.

The lights and noises of the hospital invested them like a typhoon. They had almost forgotten where they were, the conference room had been so silent and muffled that they had fooled themselves to be home. Now the cocoon had be broken, doctors and nurses were running around them and both Meredith and Derek were aware of the curious looks they were receiving. Their joined hands were receiving. They had spent the last days openly fighting on work, clearly ignoring each other, they had entered a room like strangers and now they were walking down the hallway like husband and wife again. Usually their nosey colleagues placed bets on juicy topics and Derek was sure they had even this time, probably trying to guess how long and how much this fight could affect their relationship. Screw them… Meredith and him were fine and he didn't care of nothing else.

He stretched his arm and pushed the door open for Meredith, waiting for her to step in. Apparently even being a gentleman raised suspicions around. Derek was well aware of Cristina's thunderstruck look, of her jaw falling almost to the ground when she saw them walking together towards Zola's room. They both ignored her and Yang's hands fell down her sides.

"I'm ready"

Owen's cheerful voice reached her from behind and Cristina looked to him.

He had changed into street clothes, into sportswear. His elegant trousers had left place to faded grey jeans, his perfectly flat ironed shirt had disappeared in advantage of a long sleeve tee shirt which highlighted his sculptured body. Cristina would make a dirty comment usually but in that moment she was too shocked of what she had just seen. Hunt, unaware of her bewilderment, chuckled and kissed her quickly.

"So hot you didn't recognize me?"

He pulled back lightly grinning and Cristina answered him drily.

"No… it's not that" her eyes moved down the hallway and Owen frowned, surprised by her unresponsiveness to his charm. They had been flirting the whole day, carelessly and sometimes openly, and he hadn't expected Cristina to drop the tension so quickly. Before he could pop other questions, she turned to look at him and spoke.

"Have you seen them?"

Owen followed the direction her stretched finger was supposed to point but saw nothing and, above all, nobody. He looked down to her arching his brows and shook his head, trying to get if she was taking fun of him or had really seen something strange.

"Who?"

"Meredith and Derek…"

Surprise was painted on her face but it was not just that. Owen had the feeling it was a good surprise, he stretched his neck and took another look with no better luck. The corridor was perfectly empty.

"There's nobody here, Cristina" her eyes bored into hers and he placed a hand on her forehead "are you sure you're feeling good?"

She snorted and slapped his hand, outrage spreading on her face.

"Of course I'm fine, you idiot… I'm not hallucinating" she turned around and gripped his hand, pulling him behind her down the hallway.

"Where are we going?" said Owen out of breath, surprised of how Cristina, who was half his size, could drag him everywhere with no apparent effort.

"To see what the hell is going on"

She turned the corner and stopped abruptly, causing Owen to bump against her back. She was shoved forward a couple of steps and turned around, visibly crossed. Hunt raised his hands in surrender and sent her an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry… you stopped and I…"

Cristina rolled her eyes. She had been too captured by the scene displaying behind the glass to warn her stupid and clumsy fiancé of her movements. She snorted and dismissed him waving her hand, her attention caught again by the strange scene displaying in front of her. Owen chuckled for her behavior but silenced once his own pupils focused what was going on in the patient room. An African kid room, he guessed.

He hadn't stood the chance to deepen his knowledge about these cases. All these children suffered from chronicle diseases, nothing his skills as trauma surgeon could help with. Now he had become chief he would have to study the whole file, he clearly remembered the full-bodied folder resting on his desk. From what he had heard, Karev had hit the jackpot and skyrocketed on everyone's favor with this project. It had been utopic and a little bit fool but, like sometimes happened, it had turned out to be a crystal success and SGH had earned a lot of good advertising for it, so much that Hunt knew there was a plan to turn it into a steady program and not a once in a lifetime one.

Almost twenty kids had arrived from the far and underdeveloped Africa, a continent Hunt had known and read about for the bloody and violent wars tearing to pieces its countries and mowing down the population. This, added to the prohibitive weather and sanitary conditions, to the massive level of corruption, had turned the area in the first place for mortality under 25 years old; people had a very low life expectancy, the lower if the world.

Despite what waited for these children once back home, what Karev had achieved had been special and worth the praises he had gained.

This said… the reason why Shepherd and Grey were both in that room, close to a bed a little girl was sleeping in, was some kind of mystery.

Derek looked moved. He was sitting in a chair, holding the kid's hand and Meredith was standing behind him, soothing his back and smiling herself. His colleague's lips were moving and Hunt couldn't get what he was saying, what he could be saying to a child who, very likely, couldn't get anything he was saying.

Owen patted Cristina's shoulder and looked down to her, arching his brows and pointing to the room.

"What's going on?"

"I have no idea"

"Who's that baby?"

"Shepherd's want to be baby apparently"

She looked back into the room, mesmerized by the family draw.

Her breath hitched in her throat and Owen realized, even if standing behind her back, that Cristina was touched by what she was seeing, and not just because Meredith and Derek had apparently solved their fight. His hands circled her waist and he smiled sensing her relaxing in his hug. She leaned backward against his chest and covered his hand, resting on her stomach, with hers. Owen's chin stroked her collarbone, his nose tickling her neck and he whispered in her ear.

"Derek wants to adopt that baby?"

His voice was soft and warm and Cristina shivered, both for feeling his hot breath on her skin and for the topic which could come out of this speech. She sighed getting she couldn't turn him down even this time.

"I don't know. I got this feeling before the whole trial jam… Meredith just said he was head over feet about her and…" she shrugged "knowing Derek he could do that…"

Owen scrunched his nose sensing Cristina's disappointment.

"Knowing Derek? What is it… a not so much subtle criticism?"

"Not at all" she breathed out "he's just so enthusiastic about the idea of having a family… having hordes of kids running around and messing everything up… He could think of adopting a baby while Meredith is delivering their first… he would be… fool and affectionate enough to do it"

"And Meredith wouldn't?"

Cristina felt cuddled in Owen's embrace, he was talking sweetly to her, not rushing her, not judging her. He hadn't expressed his idea of the matter till now and she hadn't the impression he was waiting for hers to corner her or whatever. They were just having a conversation about a couple of friends and she liked it. Children were not taboo anymore, they still had very different opinions and expectations but they could talk about it.

Cristina hadn't faced the topic with Meredith yet. Her friend had been trapped under all her problems and the idea of adoption had of course slipped out of her mind and, probably, Shepherd's too. The fact they were both in that room now could mean a lot of things. The child had clearly just had surgery, Meredith and Derek were probably just visiting her, all the rest was just hospital speculation.

"You're really the chief now…"

"What?" chuckled Owen, surprised by Cristina's change of subject. She giggled and turned around, facing him, her hands closing around his neck.

"You're the Chief, doctor Hunt" she gave him a mischievous look and he frowned.

"And?"

"Doctors and nurses and residents and interns watch out when you're around. That's the reason why you didn't hear anything about this last gossip"

He quirked his brow, following Cristina's speech was proving to be difficult. He cleared his throat and tried to guess right.

"The hospital was speculating about the adoption?"

"About an adoption. Now I put stuff together but… you didn't as you were oblivious"

He laughed of her evident amusement and rolled his eyes. He gripped her arms, locking them even more tightly around his neck. He leant forward and kissed her, their lips were still brushing when he talked.

"Lucky me that you'll be my ears"

"No way"

She shook her head and Owen kissed her again, not caring of the people staring openly at them.

"My eyes?"

"No way"

Cristina's voice was hoarse and Owen smiled, pushing her hold away.

"So… I'll have to find a new, available spy to serve me"

He straightened his collar shirt and bent to pick up his briefcase, leaving his girlfriend breathless and stunned.

"What?" blurted out Cristina. Hunt smiled and adjusted her clothes too.

"I happened to have a very long and interesting discussion with Patricia, today"

"Patricia? As in the old witch who manages condoms twice in five years?"

Owen snorted and laughed, rolling his eyes. Cristina could really be funny when she wanted. Luckily nobody had heard her inconvenient comment on the reliable and long serving Chief's secretary. He decided to overlook and go on with his rambling.

"And she told me some little secret about managing this place…"

"Like what?"

"Like secrets" he kissed her cheek and straightened up gloating "if you won't be my source I won't be yours. Shall we celebrate my promotion?"

He sent her a dashing smile and Cristina rolled her eyes, adjusting the purse on her shoulder.

"Patricia was not available?"

"I guess she was but… I decided to give you another shot"

"Oh thank you…" Cristina stretched her words smiling wickedly. "I won't handle condoms for you though"

"You've never had…" he raised his elbow and Cristina hooked her hand under it, smiling. They sent a last look into the room and Owen breathed out before whispering in her ear.

"Let's go. We'll talk with them tomorrow"

* * *

Zola's tiny hand was closed in his big palm and the world looked to have disappeared.

There was just him and the three people in the world who made his family.

Meredith, their baby and, hopefully, Zola.

She had woken up briefly after surgery and the nurse had informed him she had been groggy, which was really comprehensible. Robbins had left little wires connected to her puffy arms and legs and Zola had to feel uncomfortable. Now she was sleeping peacefully and Derek was waiting for Karen to show up.

The nurse had said she had headed home to refresh a bit and she would be back in a short time.

The conversation they were going to face was simple yet complicated.

Karen had tried to rouse Derek some day before about the chance he could go for the adoption. And now he was ready, with Meredith by his side, he was more than ready.

His wife was standing behind him, soothing his tensed and aching shoulders. She had left Derek room and space to cuddle Zola and, with a pang of guilt, she had felt jealous.

Not for the attentions the baby was getting, the clear devotion Derek had for her, just for the feeling they already shared, the complicity, the bond they had created which was impressive and outstanding. Derek acted so sure around Zola that Meredith, as a contrast, felt more than ever inadequate and awkward. She moved like an elephant in a glass store while her husband looked to be totally natural and in control. It was not just about the load of nieces and nephews Derek had in New York. Meredith had been really impressed by the relationship he had with Morgan, even after years of separation. It was like he had never left. They were conspiratorial, they played, had fun, had their rituals. But… once again… it was not just that. It was not just the habit to have kids around and love to have them around. It was more an instinct Derek possessed. The instinct to drop the right joke, to find the right way to communicate even with a baby who didn't understand their language, the instinct to know what to say, which game to push. It didn't take a genius to understand how much Derek loved kids, how much he had longed to become a father and how much, in these years the dream hadn't come true yet, he had kept cultivating his skills and qualities. He had worked to get in that room all his life and Meredith felt fear gripping her throat. The same doubt sneaked in her chest and she fought to keep her breathing steady.

What if she turned out to be a horrible mother?

What if Derek understood she was such and walked away taking their kids away?

He had promised he wouldn't, he had repeated it no later than an hour before.

But words were words and Derek, being Derek, couldn't love a woman uncaring of her own children. He would walk away, disgusted and horrified.

Meredith tried to push this awful idea out of her head and heart. Instinctively her hands stopped and she sighed, causing Derek to turn around and look at her. He was smiling and gripped her hand.

"Hey… are you ok?"

"Yeah…" breathed out Meredith, giving him a small smile and trying to sound more self confident than she was. Derek frowned and stood, leaving Zola's hand from the first time they had entered the room. He approached Meredith and took her cheeks in his palms, rubbing it quietly with his thumb.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and Meredith almost shivered.

"What for?"

"As you have had a hard day of work, you're eight and a half months pregnant and you must be dead tired. And I'm keeping you around"

"I'm fine, Derek. Really…" her eyes moved to the baby resting in the bed and Derek followed her gaze. He pushed Meredith tenderly sitting on the chair he had just left and it was his turn to practice a relaxing massage to her aching back. His lips twitched upwards noticing Meredith had taken Zola's hand and was rubbing it soothingly.

"Just stay there and I'll take care of you"

Meredith closed her eyes and moaned when Derek's magic and skillful fingers started to work on her abused back. His fingertips pressed into her shoulder blades and she groaned, half in relief and half in pain. She felt Derek giggling behind her, his voice reached her ears, warm and soft like a caress.

"You're in knots, Meredith"

"I try to compensate the fore weight standing more straight than usual… and in the evening I pay it all"

"You'd need a warm bath and some good rest"

"I would… but I won't have it. My shift starts at 6.30 in the morning and…" she breathed out opening her eyes and tuning her wrist watch "I just have a few hours ahead"

"Why don't you go home?"

She turned around and locked eyes with Derek, he was smiling to her but she frowned.

"What about you?"

"I'm on call tonight. And Ferris asked me to stick around in case they'd need more help with the mushrooms seeker… I have to stay here, Mer. Just go home…"

"No" she relaxed sensing her body relaxing under her husband's massage "I'll stay with you".

Her fingers stroked Zola's backhand and she closed her eyes, feeling Mc Baby kicking.

Derek was about to speak again, to try to convince her to go home and have some rest when the door behind them hissed and they both were startled.

Karen was on the door, clearly surprised to see them in there.

Derek noticed her hair was still damp, gathered in a messy ponytail. She was wearing a multi colored tunic and blue jeans, she looked much younger than he had never noticed. She dropped her bag on the floor and her eyes shifted on Zola, lingering a moment on Meredith's hand, closed around hers. She cleared her throat and Derek smiled to her.

"Karen… I stopped by to see how she was doing…"

The young woman nodded, confused, and Derek went on.

"I didn't know about the complication… I was informed after she was brought in surgery and… I hope you don't mind I came here"

Karen sensed how emotional Derek was. His voice was vibrating with worry and affection and she was touched. She liked him and she was very happy to see he had probably solved his marital problems. Her eyes drifted out of instinct on Meredith and Derek noticed, realizing they probably didn't know each other. He opened his mouth to speak again.

"This is my wife… Meredith… I don't think you ever met before"

Meredith stood and set Zola's hand on the bed gently, she made a step towards Karen and stretched her hand.

"Nice to meet you"

"It's my pleasure, Meredith"

She gave her a sincere smile and then an awkward silence fell in the room. Meredith felt maybe they needed to talk a moment by themselves, after all Karen and Derek had worked with Zola from the very beginning, maybe thy had touched the adoption topic. If her husband needed to give some explanation, it was better he did that without her there. She took Derek's hand and cleared her throat.

"I go to refresh up a bit… I'll be back in a few minutes"

She smiled to him and Karen and left the room, closing the door behind her back. Derek followed her frame through the glass and watched her disappear behind the corner. When he focused back on the room, Karen was looking at him cautiously and he felt the need to justify his presence in there.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion"

"You're her doctor, dr. Shepherd"

Derek felt she was acting very carefully around him and realized their last conversation was probably still lingering in the air. Plus she had probably been surprised, and not in a good way, for his absence in the morning, when Zola's conditions had rapidly and badly worsened. Even if neither Karev nor Robbins had warned him, Derek felt guilty. Zola had surely been scared and in pain and he hadn't been by her side. He had the feeling Karen was mad at him for that reason and was trying to read through his behavior. He decided to be clear and true to her.

"I'm not here as his doctor, Karen. I wouldn't be allowed to be in here as doctor"

"So why are you in here, dr. Shepherd?"

"As I care about her, you know I do" he breathed out, sinking his hands in his pockets, his eyes falling on the floor. "After I was told she was brought into the OR…" Derek looked up, worry and pain filling his heart at the mere memory "I've spent my whole day thinking about her and… trying to survive the await. Meredith helped me… a lot… and we sorted things out…"

"I'm glad to hear that" said Karen, closing her arms across her chest and waiting for him to go on.

"We discussed our problems… our issues. And I can't deny there were many things on the plate"

Derek took a deep breath and the woman could sense his weariness and tiredness. Dr. Shepherd was getting emotional with her and Karen didn't think she was the right person to receive these confidences. She raised her palm to stop him.

"Dr. Shepherd…"

"I'm not going to involve you in my personal life" he cut her off "and I don't talk about my stuff with people I don't know usually… but you got me into a very personal conversation a couple of days ago and it struck me"

Karen was taken aback by Derek's speech, he could tell. She was a little bit dazed and overwhelmed. She had been attending the hospital for almost ten days now, she had known a lot of doctors and nurses and had developed the idea Seattle Grace was a big family, a place where people worked but, above all, devoted their talents and skills to persons in need. Everybody had been caring and professional, every surgeon she and Makena had met had been extremely kind and passionate. The program Alex and her had put up had awaken the sympathy of everyone. But the spark she had seen set off in this guy's eyes… it had been special. And now she started to wonder if the words she had uttered him hadn't been forced and out of place. They surely had been out of place.

Karen cared a lot about this program, she cared about these kids, Africa had been her job and passion since she was a teen ager. Helping them was one thing, trying to find them a family was one thing, openly inviting a doctor to adopt one… it was another and she had overstepped, breaking the line between professionalism and sentimentalism.

Dr. Shepherd had been extremely vulnerable when she had cornered him, Alex had told her everything about his last year's life, definitely not a good one. Triggering him on such an important and delicate step hadn't really been a wise move. He could be overwhelmed and still confused on many things and she had crossed the line.

"Dr. Shepherd…"

"Derek…" he cut her off again, firm but gentle, and she swallowed, giving him a small smile.

"Derek… I'm sorry if I backed you into a corner. Like I've already told you, I had never faced someone so directly and openly before"

"It was the right thing to do and I thank you"

"It was not, instead. I had no right to press you and lever on you like that. It was not appropriate from my side"

"You care for these children and you did something you felt to do. You slapped me… I was brooding in my self commiseration and you woke me up. Nothing you said was wrong or out of line. This happened just in the wrong moment… and I'm not talking about my first born"

Karen saw Derek's eyes moving to Zola's sleeping form; she didn't know him, but she could clearly see something change in his gaze. It softened and became warmer. But the meaning of this… the meaning of his presence in the room… the meaning of the bad timing… she really couldn't get what he was willing to do.

"So what now?" she blurted out and Derek looked to her, breathing in. Before he could talk, he realized Meredith had come back and was leaning against the nurses station. She was leaving them room to discuss but the explanation was over, all Derek wanted to do now was communicating Karen the borders of their decision. And being their decision and not just his, he walked to the door and opened it, inviting Meredith to come back in. She obliged, smiling when Derek leant his hand in the small of her back. He closed the door and stood beside his wife, their fingers interlocking.

Derek inhaled deeply and tried to calm his heart down. He knew Karen had nothing to do with the adoption procedures and iter, but saying her what they wanted to do felt big and wonderful at the same time.

"When we talked you were right, Karen… As soon as I laid my eyes on Zola I felt something special about her. I don't know what that was… Probably the way she looked at me… the way she touched my face… the way she tugged at my labcoat… I don't know. During my first visit I was holding her and she was crying, and then she stopped. And I've held a lot of babies. I've fixed a lot of babies, but I looked down at Zola... I don't know what it was. I just... I just couldn't imagine her being with any other parent or any other family. All I've ever wanted in my life was a big family… we're starting a family, and she needs one. And I'm sure she would get all the love she needs as Meredith… she will be a great mother and she had perfectly understood my feelings even before I voiced them. We got caught under other problems then but…" he swallowed and locked eyes with her wife, they both had tears threatening to spill out "I still remember the moment she said she was ready to welcome Zola in our family" his voice broke for the emotion and he swallowed to collect himself. "We're ready to go for it, Karen. If it's not too late… we'd like to start the process to make Zola our daughter"

He hadn't even the time to finish that felt Karen pulling him in a tight hug, something which really surprised him. Meredith giggled by his side and for his awkwardness and Karen left him, realizing how rigid Derek had behaved during her show affection.

"Oh God… I'm sorry… that was totally inappropriate…"

She covered her mouth with both hands in shame and Meredith giggled again, circling Derek's waist with one arm.

"Don't worry, Karen. Nobody can resist him when he turns into Mc Dreamy mode and says stuff like that"

Meredith smiled happily to Derek and saw him rolling his eyes. He snorted and felt the need to justify his rigidity: he was used to patients and patients' family to show him gratitude and affection but Karen had caught him out of guard.

"To tell the truth I have acted more like Mc Ass lately but… I think I'm going to find my way back now. Thank you, Karen. Of heart"

The young woman was on the verge of crying herself and sniffled loudly, raising more of Meredith's amusement.

"Well… ok… that's it now. I'm going to contact a social worker I know. I called her a couple of weeks ago to issue a protocol in case we found a family to some of these kids and she was really kind to me. I don't want to fool you, though. It won't be an easy way"

She saw Derek's face hardening a bit but Meredith cut in.

"We know it, Karen. I've collected some information myself and I know we'll have to go through tests and interviews and shrinks. But we're ready for it"

She raised her eyes and met Derek's, he was looking at her with pure adoration and Meredith felt desire bobbling in her chest. Apparently the tension was palpable even to others as Karen cleared her throat, gaining back the couple's attention.

"So… I'm gonna call Janet and give her your numbers. I'll schedule a first meeting as soon as she can"

"Thank you" said Derek smiling "now it's better I take my wife to have a nap. I'll be back in a while"

He opened the door for Meredith and waited while the two women exchanged their greeting.

"Good night, Karen. And thank you"

"Thanks to you, Meredith. Alex…" she stopped abruptly realizing Karev was probably not their hero by now. But Meredith was still smiling and she didn't seem to be bothered for hearing his name. She was still thinking how finishing her sentence, but Meredith did it for her.

"Alex did a great job today. And he's a good friend. I think it's time we have a serious speech together"

"I have already given him a serious speech" said Derek cautiously and Meredith arched her brow at him, surprised.

"You did?"

"I did" he kissed her cheek quickly "and you should make up for this story. You won't believe it but… I missed him in these days at home"

Meredith giggled freely and rolled her eyes.

"I'll remind you this in a couple of weeks, Derek" her eyes moved to Karen "he hates Alex's chaotic way to live our house… Anyway… Alex says you're great too, Karen"

The young woman blushed and watched Derek and Meredith leaving the room. Their hands joined and Derek bent to kiss Meredith's cheek again.

"Are you trying to get Alex a new girlfriend?" he whispered into her ear and she laughed.

"No…"

"As you said to her I hate his chaotic way to live our house but… this was not really accurate"

"What did I have to tell her? That you hate he brings a new girl every night?"

"Well… if you thought they are only friends… you'd have. But you were trying to sweeten her the pill so… I guess Karen will by our guest soon"

"Can't look forward"

They walked silently down the hallway and then Meredith cleared her throat.

"I don't want to go home by myself" she stopped in front of an On Call Room and opened the door. Even in the darkness, she realized the room was empty. "Can you lay down with me for a while?"

Derek caressed her face tenderly and then his lips caught hers, light and loving.

"There's nowhere else I'd like to be"

Meredith walked into the room and Derek closed the door behind his back, locking it. Even if they didn't have lusty intentions, he wanted to savor this moment in private and intimacy. He joined Meredith on the lower bed.

He smiled realizing how his feelings towards On Call Rooms had changed in the last years. During his internship he considered them a shelter, mirage, a place to crave and long for. As, as all the young doctors in the hospital, he had never got to have a good night sleep in there. Some emergency or lazy attending always bothered him for a chart, an urgent exam, a routine to take care of. OC rooms were just for arrived surgeons, who were allowed to squeeze their subordinates and rest quietly on uncomfortable beds and scratching sheets. Here came the second part of his relationship with on call rooms… the years he had been married to Addison who, being a Montgomery Forbes, hated to rest her precious body on rigid mattresses. Derek had felt natural, while they were together, to propose her to sneak in every time and then to enjoy some time together, a nap, a quickie but she had almost always adamantly refused. Addison was sophisticated and snob and Derek had been upset to know she had a room in the hotel in front of the hospital permanently booked for her night shifts. His wife never spent on call nights in the hospital, she retired in the confines of a fancy and elegant suite and waited there in case she was needed. He hadn't discovered that immediately. It had been just a couple of years after their marriage. He had been paged in the middle of the night for an emergency and ran to the hospital without calling her. After he had visited his patient, he had started to look for her everywhere: ORs, attending lounge, cafeteria… everywhere. He had started to feel worried when a nurse had told her Addison was in Four Seasons across the street if he needed her. His jaw had nearly dropped on the floor and he had walked out of the doors, crossed the street and asked the concierge for her room number. He had taken an elevator and knocked to the door, waiting for her to show up. Addison sleepy figure had opened the door seconds later, surprised to see him there. Derek hadn't been mad for her little secret, they had just laughed for her choosiness and enjoyed the comfort of the expensive suite.

Derek had felt guilty years later thinking to the waste of money.

And, deep down, he liked these inhospitable and messy on call rooms. They were part of the hospital itself, a place where all doctors were finally the same and held the same privileges. And , in the end, with Meredith he had discovered they could be incredibly romantic and homey.

They liked to cuddle on some bunk bed to share confidences and sweet words. They even like to close up and share intimacies, make love like nothing existed outside. They had to be quiet, there wasn't much space but, definitely, they had grown to be great sneakers and there wasn't an on call room they hadn't lived and experienced their passion.

All this mental rambling disappeared when he heard the bed give up under Meredith's weight. The springs squeaked and he smiled. She had lied down and he crawled behind her, spooning her body and circling her form with both arms. Their hands found each other in the darkness and they laced their fingers, resting on her belly. Meredith pushed her body against her husband's, enjoying the feeling of his chest and shoulders against her back. She closed her eyes when his hot breath fanned her neck and she relaxed completely.

"I missed this so much" she mumbled.

"I missed this too. And I missed you too" she shivered feeling Derek's lips petting her neck quickly "Sleep now"

"I can't…" she closed her eyes and her voice was low and tired. Derek tightened the grip around her side, pressing his body more into her.

"Why not?"

"I'm just…" she pinched her nose with her fingers and sighed, suddenly overwhelmed by the day events. Derek kissed her cheek quietly and left her space to speak. "The day was just full…"

"I know… and that's why you need to rest"

"Tomorrow could be even more chaotic…"

"Why so?"

A thick silence stretched in the room, disturbed just by the noise of their breaths. Meredith rolled on her back, her eyes tuning Derek's face in the darkness. His eyes were closed but they slowly fluttered open when she quietly touched his cheeks.

"What if the first meeting is tomorrow?"

Derek's lids opened and he kissed Meredith's lips.

"We'll get to know this social worker and she'll explain us the procedure"

"What if she doesn't like me?"

Her husband's eyes searched her face and she swallowed, her breath suddenly heated up. Derek brushed her cheek with his thumb tenderly.

"Of course she'll like you, Meredith… You just have to be relaxed and be yourself… You're a great woman and everybody will easily see that"

His eyes drifted closed, his finger always drawing soothing circles on her face. Despite Derek's attempt to reassure her and let her feel confident and the true confidence he had in her, Meredith didn't feel the same way. She swallowed and breathed out and Derek opened his eyes again. "Meredith…"

"What if we don't get the custody? What if the Agency doesn't think we're suitable to raise a child, Derek?"

Their eyes met and Derek straightened up, propping his body on an elbow and looking down to her. When he spoke his voice was much firmer and awake than before.

"They would be fools, Meredith. But we have to stop to think like this or we'll go crazy even before this starts. We need to be patient, we need to be confident. We'll have to go through all our life an tell our stuff to other people… I don't like the idea but we'll do it. We'll make everything we can and we'll speak with our hearts and… if this proved not to be enough… well… we won't have regrets, Meredith"

He gave her a small, sad smile. It was clear than the mere thought the adoption could go wrong caused him pain and Meredith felt responsibility weighting down more heavily on her. She took in a deep breath and whispered.

"This is just so important… I don't want to fail you…"

Derek read all her fears in her green eyes and lowered his head to capture her lips in his.

"You'll never fail me, Mer. You never did and you never will. We can back off if you don't feel for it…"

Meredith passed a hand in his hair, her eyes devouring his face.

Derek loved Zola, he loved her very much. Yet he was willing to let her go not to upset his wife. Her heart swelled and tears built up in her eyes. She closed her hands behind his neck and pulled him down to kiss him.

"I'm in, Derek. I might me scared and worried but… I just don't want to screw this up. I want Zola in our family… I want her… and I'll do everything we need to do to have her"

"I love you"

Derek lowered his mouth on hers and this time passion sparkled when their lips met. Derek's hot palms stroke Meredith's cheeks and her hands closed firmly behind his neck, pulling him closer and playing with the hair on his nape. Her tongue stroke his lower lip and he moaned, pulling back to catch air. Meredith smiled seeing his eyes dark in passion, his hair tousled for her fingers. His breath had quickened and she felt desire bubbling up in her body. No tiredness could shut down the attraction she felt for this man and she was gloating realizing Derek felt the same. He cleared his throat but his voice came out hoarse and vibrant.

"You don't know how much I want you right now, Mer… how much I'd like to make love to you"

"Why don't we make something about it, then?"

Meredith's fingers traced Derek's chest and his whole body tightened. Her voice had been so low that it took all Derek self control to stop her hand and set it down on the bed. He placed a quick kiss on her lips and looked down to her, trying to catch his breath.

"Not now… I want it to be special and… you need to sleep now"

He kissed her cheek and then collapsed back on his side, circling her side and pushing his nose into her hair. He inhaled her scent and closed his eyes, succumbing to tiredness himself.

* * *

Derek opened his eyes, the room was still dark and he smiled hearing Meredith's light snoring echoing in the room. She was still in the same position she had fallen asleep, her fingers tightly closed around his, their hands joined on her belly.

He quietly straightened up, careful not to wake her, and slipped out of bed. His smile stretched even more when his eyes settled on his wife's face and he couldn't resist to kneel in front of her.

Her hair was splayed on the pillow, her features relaxed and beautiful. Her lips were slightly parted, full, rosy, calling for a kiss. But Derek resisted the temptation and just leant in to place a soft kiss on her forehead, his fingertips brushing her cheek quietly.

After the days of forced separation and furtive glances stolen like a crazy stalker, he savored that moment, his heart swelling at the mere thought they had solved their problems and a perfect life was going to wait for them.

He took a look at his clock, it was 5 a.m. He hadn't slept that much and he felt everything in his muscles. His neck was stiffened and his back sore. He had promised Karen to go back to Zola's room but, before, he needed to visit the department and, above all, he needed a good cup of coffee to wash tiredness and slumber away.

He smiled taking a last look to his gorgeous wife and then stood, leaving the room. He squinted when the lights invested his eyes, shielding his face with one hand and yawning in his own palm.

"I hope you readjusted the bed, Shepherd. It's my nap time"

Derek followed the source of the voice and tuned Bailey in front of him. He gave her a quick smirk rubbing his face.

"I slept on one bed, Bailey. There are three more you can comfortably use"

"So I take you didn't…"

"No, but I was in a real impossibility to do it…" he smiled and Miranda frowned, closing her arms across her chest.

"Why? You're not in a hurry, I see"

"No" Derek squirmed under her scrutiny. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet and felt a little bit stupid. It was not like he was back to five years ago when Bailey caught him with Meredith in her driveway. They were married, they were having a baby and it was perfectly fine for them to share a bedroom, even in the hospital. Probably she already knew they had made up. "I wasn't alone in there so… I didn't want to wake anybody up"

"Oh…" Bailey quirked her brow at him and Derek thanked his beeping pager. He took it off his belt and showed it to Bailey.

"I need to go now"

"I see"

He sprinted down the corridor and she followed his retrieving back puzzled. She snorted and opened the door quietly. Even in the darkness of the room she had noticed a figure splayed on the lower bed. Meredith Grey. Apparently Shepherd had taken the chance to spy her while she was asleep. Poor man… that woman was driving him crazy and messing his life more than he deserved. She sent her former intern a strict look and sat on the opposite bed, closing her tired eyes. The sheets felt smooth under her fingertips and she opened her lids, focusing on the conditioner. It was perfectly flat and in order, nobody had slept in there, not recently. She stood and took a quick look to the upper mattresses. They were untouched. Her eyes focused back on dr. Grey and truth sneaked in her brain slowly. Derek had been awkward before, her mind had travelled back in time when his relationship with Meredith was secretive and she used to take an eye on them. She had assumed he had just taken the chance to stalk his wife and be sure she was fine but… now she was not so sure about that.

Derek looked like he had slept. Or maybe he hadn't. He had just sat on the floor and that was the reason he looked like crap.

Bailey chuckled when she acknowledged the reason of her mental rambling and sat on the bed again.

Unexpectedly the thought Derek and Meredith had made up bothered her and she knew it was stupid. She had to feel good about it, they were friends and they had already experienced a long list of problems and trials. But, deep in her heart, she was mad at the girl and this was clouding everything, on many levels.

She sank on the mattress and closed her eyes, trying to push bad thoughts out of her head, trying to get Meredith Grey out of her head.

* * *

Cristina and Owen walked through the door hand in hand, smiling.

A couple of doctors greeted Hunt, calling him Chief, and, when they stopped in front of the elevator, Cristina was smiling brightly, catching her boyfriend's attention.

"What?"

"Nothing… it just feels good when others call you Chief" she leant forward and kissed him "it makes me feel proud"

"Really?" Owen tried to sound casual but he felt proud himself and it was something he had never considered. Obviously the promotion had satisfied him, pleasured him, but it had been just about the job and the responsibility which came with it. Despite he was a surgeon from years now, he felt a rookie in Seattle Grace and Webber's proposal had surprised him, in a good way. More than that, he had been positively impressed realizing all his colleagues appreciated him and respected him. It was a good sensation, enough to fill him with happiness and confidence things could really go smoothly. And then there was this gloating part he hadn't expected. Vain… yet pleasant and Cristina apparently was his first sponsor and fan. The only one he cared for. He placed a quick kiss on her lips smiling but he straightened up quickly when a booming voice sounded right behind him.

"Chief! Good morning"

Mark's smirk came into his view and Owen sighed, the guy didn't really know when to shut up and not interrupt. More intrusively and coarsely, Sloan patted his shoulder energetically, making Owen and Lexie rolling their eyes in complete disapproval. Hunt pushed the button of the elevator and tried to sound polite.

"Good morning, dr. Sloan. Dr. Grey…"

"Chief…" smiled Lexie politely. Cristina was trying her best not to burst out laughing, something Owen realized and prayed for her to succeed. He knew Sloan was loud and inoffensive, but usually he would shut him up with a witty and sharp remark. It was a habit he knew he would have to change as he was the Chief now and also Mark needed to act properly, at least in front of an audience like the one they were having. The doors opened and they all stepped in, a thick silence falling in the confined space.

Sloan eyed everybody suspiciously and then talked.

"Is everything ok?"

"Sure" Owen cut him off and Cristina had to bite her tongue not to laugh. Her demeanor didn't go unnoticed this time and Mark looked to her, arching his brows.

"Your girlfriend looks in a very good mood, Hunt"

Hunt cleared his throat to talk but Yang did first.

"As I am" she gave him a wide grin and Mark rubbed his face; the Asian doctor was strangely cheerful but Sloan was more concerned about Owen's behavior. Usually he didn't take his jokes bad.

"Are you pissed at me?"

Sloan faced Hunt directly and this time he couldn't ignore him. He sent him a quick glance and shook his head in disapproval before scolding him.

"It's just you're inappropriate, Sloan"

"Excuse me?"

Mark grimaced, offended, his hands sank in his pockets and Owen sighed.

"You realize you shouldn't address to me like that in the hallway, do you?"

Sloan made a step back and his eyes narrowed, his face contracted in an incredulous grimace.

"Are you kidding, Hunt?"

"Do I look like I am?" scorned the trauma surgeon and Cristina wasn't able to choke down a laughter. Her boyfriend sent her a cold stare and then went back scolding the plastic surgeon "I know we know each other from a long time and I know we were kind of friends… but you should learn to split personal from professional, Sloan. What you did downstairs was disrespectful"

"I did nothing!" complained Mark and Owen rolled his eyes, searching comfort in Lexie but finding a look of disapproval. He chuckled nervously, shrugging "Are you serious?"

"Of course I am. As much as we like to have a drink together, you should behave properly within these walls, especially in the hall and in crowded places"

"And this proper behavior manual doesn't include greeting you?"

"No, it does" breathed out Owen, also exasperated by his colleague's childish attitude "possibly not knocking out my teeth and not making dirty comments on my girlfriend"

Owen pushed the button to the floor nervously but saw with the corner of his eyes Cristina sending Mark a cold and quizzical look.

"You talk dirty on me, Sloan?"

"To your misfortune I don't, Yang" Mark looked up to the ceiling and Cristina giggled, adjusting her purse.

"This is going to be much more fun than I thought" she sent an amused look to Owen and stepped out when the doors opened, followed by Lexie. "This is my floor, have a good day, gentlemen…"

Hunt looked to her walking away till the elevator closed and he was brought back to the confined space he was sharing with Sloan; Owen hated to snap. But he had experienced hard times standing his colleague's manners even when they were just colleagues, now he was Chief he couldn't tolerate his liberties. He sent him a furtive glance, Mark was deliberately avoiding and ignoring him.

"Sloan…"

"What, Chief?"

"Oh, come on… You know I'm right. I'm already having a hard time having people accept me. Last thing I need is having you talking dirty of me, making comments on Cristina's ass and our… habits"

"I just don't do it to offend you, Hunt. It's just joking…"

"And I get that and I can take it outside but, please, not here"

"Right…" he took in a deep breath and then sighed "Derek was much more funny Chief than you"

Owen chuckled and rolled his eyes, some picture of the time they spent together in Shepherd's office flashing in his eyes.

"That's for sure… I still remember when we were achieving our successes and you smashed on his face you slept with your patient's daughter"

"That was old Sloan… now I'm brand new" Mark sank both hands in the pockets of his black leather coat. He was looking to Hunt expectantly, hoping he would recognize his change.

"If you say so…"

"Try me… " Owen's brows arched and Mark got the double meaning of his sentence. He cleared his throat "my new leaf… I mean" he stammered on his words "get me in the club and I won't disappoint you"

"Which club?"

"Chief's club"

"There's none, Mark"

"For now… but you'll be selling cards soon and I'd like to be there… if you let me" Owen saw Mark swallowing, like he wanted to say something else and he waited, patient, for him to talk. Which he did. "I know I was an ass… I know a few people think I'm just a liability. But I changed and I'd like to establish adult relationships to people… have new friends… not just Derek…"

Their eyes met curtly and Owen saw a flash of tiredness and sadness in his fellow's eyes. Mark was being true to him and he felt to be the same.

"Mark… our relationship outside these walls won't change a bit. It's just your behavior in work time you need to check. And I'm not going to create a secret society… I know you and I know Shepherd… it's not I have people queuing to become friend with me…"

"It's not true. People trust and respect you"

"And they do the same with you"

"No. Derek is the only reliable friend I have. He's my family… my only family"

"And I'm not trying to step in the mid of you two"

Mark eyed him arching his brows and then shook his head.

"I'm not jealous"

Owen chuckled and smiled as the doors opened.

"I guess you are"

"I don't go jealous to Derek"

"If you say so…"

Owen walked away smiling, genuinely impressed by Mark's sensitivity. Sloan was not a bad guy. He was probably just a little bit immature and insecure despite the mask he wore every morning. The relationship, durable and steady, with a woman had awakened his emotional side and Hunt found it cute. He made mental note to involve Mark in his free time schedule and headed to his office, first time his exclusive property.

* * *

Cristina was anxious to meet Meredith and get the juicy news about her previous evening with Derek.

Owen had tried his best to distract her during the night, they had celebrated with a good dinner in a steak house and then continued their private party home later.

They had enjoyed some good time together, played doctors to each other, played Chief and assistant… all kind of sex… and then had spent the night in each other arms, naked, safe and sated.

She was truthfully happy for Owen and his promotion. Despite the way he had come to get it, well aware of the problems he was going to face due to Shepherd's step back, Cristina was sincerely happy and proud.

Hunt was a great surgeon, an honorable guy. He had worked his ass off for Seattle Grace and deserved everything he had.

He was probably out of every model of doctor Cristina had known and got used to in these last years. Even if he was respectful of rules and protocols, Owen looked like a loose cannon. He didn't belong to associations, circles. He was virgin and Cristina was sure this was one of the main qualities Webber had chosen him for.

Hunt was going to have a hard climb in front of him and she meant to stand by his side and help him, especially as girlfriend.

She knew she had to change her attitude at work, but, above all, she needed to learn to be sympathetic and understanding, she needed to provide Owen a shoulder to rely on, to give him listening and support. A load of things. But she was ready for it.

She felt more mature, wiser.

The moments spent to protect Burke and lie for him were far in space and time. Cristina wouldn't do that again and, of course, not because she didn't love Owen enough, the opposite. She really did love him and, for this reason, she would never encourage him to be dishonest and lose the integrity which made of him one out of hundred men.

Their future was bright if they could handle what life was giving them. It was up to the two of them and it was scary but reassuring at the same time.

The only cloudy point of their relationship was probably their different vision and idea of family. Which was a great point but, for the first time in her life, Cristina was ready to discuss about it and even argue about it. One thing she had learnt from Meredith and Derek's story was that everything could change, in better and worse, in a split second. It was useless to raise walls and profess undying principles: life could change, people could change and, against all the odds, Cristina knew priorities could change too.

Dark and twisty sisters were getting married, well…. Meredith had already. And she was having a baby and probably caressing the crazy idea to adopt one.

Cristina didn't need anything more to really believe that nothing was impossible.

Included going from almost separated to happily married in less than a couple of hours.

Meredith's face had crossed her head more than once before falling asleep.

She was really concerned and curious to know what she had said or done to win Derek's trust back so quickly. But, more than that, Cristina was concerned and curious to know what Derek had said to her, if he had confessed his wife something about the torturous knowledge of her positive gene.

Apparently all her mental was going to find an explanation soon as Yang saw Meredith coming out of an On Call Room, disheveled and a little bit tired.

Her friend yawned in her face and Cristina smirked.

"Dirty On Call Room?"

"Uncomfortable On Call Room" she mattered stretching her back and setting both her hands on her kidneys.

"Well… you're no more flexible, Mer. You should take time and space to do the nasty"

"I didn't do anything…" breathed out Meredith, indignant, showing Cristina her tongue.

"Please… I saw you and Derek together yesterday evening. I'm sure he didn't lose time to get into your panties" Yang patted her shoulder smirking and Meredith rolled her eyes. She decided to give her friend a lesson.

"Well… you're right" breathed out Meredith sweetly, eyeing the On Call Room quietly. Cristina followed her gaze and grinned.

"You left Mc Dreamy in there to rest a bit by himself?"

"Yeah… he needed that"

"Worn him out?"

"Probably…"

"Derek is really out of training"

"Don't tease him, please… Male proud hurt" Meredith made puppy eyes to her and Cristina giggled, marching towards the On Call Room resolutely. She bumped the door open, turning on the light, anticipating Derek's astonishment and embarrassment but her cheerfulness died as soon as Bailey's stern voice invested her.

"What the hell, Yang! Don't you know On Call Rooms are meant to let doctors sleep?" Cristina paled seeing Bailey shielding her eyes with both hands, visibly pissed for her rude intrusion "What do you want?"

"Nothing… sir. I was told…. Nothing"

Cristina quickly switched off the lamp and backed off the room, closing the door and breathing in to get her composure back. She turned around and fumed seeing Meredith laughing openly at her.

"Little tease!"

"What the fuck, Mer… Are you crazy?"

"You really deserved that, Cristina"

Meredith straightened up and her person rolled her eyes, trying to walk down the corridor.

"Bailey already hates me… I really didn't need that"

"Oh, Bailey doesn't hate you. She hates me"

"She hates everybody, Owen included"

"So that doesn't concern you… mrs. Chief"

"Meredith…" breathed out Cristina. She was really worried about the Nazi's behavior. Owen had told her about the scene in the attending lounge and she knew her former mentor enough to know she wouldn't steam off so quickly. "Bailey gave Hunt a scene. Last thing he needs now is an unsubordinate girlfriend messing with attendings"

"Owen can take her, don't worry" she added sinking both hands in her pockets as they turned around the corner. "And congratulate him. Yesterday I didn't quite have the time to do it personally"

"Why so?" said Cristina non chalantly. She wanted to know stuff from Meredith but she didn't want to urge her into conversation if she didn't feel for it.

"I had a bad case with Derek… tough case"

"You worked together?"

"Tried to. He snapped at me all the time and we ended up jumping at each other's throat"

"You looked fine in the evening" pointed out Cristina stopping in front of the vending machine and inserting a coin. A bottle of regular coke rolled down and she took it, locking eyes with Meredith. Her friend looked calm and happy, something she hadn't seen in days and she wanted to know everything. Meredith pulled her out of her misery.

"We were instead… A miracle happened… a good thing after an awful thing" Cristina arched her brows sipping her beverage and Meredith cleared her throat. "Zola got sick and we took the chance to talk while we were waiting for news"

"And?"

"And we're fine. We had a lot of stuff to deal with but we did, we laid all our cards and issues on the table and… we survived"

"Finally" smiled Cristina and Meredith smiled back.

"Finally"

"You look tired, Mer. Which brings us back to Derek getting into your pants"

"We did not" hissed her friend stealing the bottle from Cristina's hands and taking a sip herself. She cleaned her mouth with the back of her hand and placed the beverage back in Yang's possession "one of the issues we discussed was adopting Zola"

Cristina nodded and Meredith went on.

"I knew Derek was thinking about it before I messed everything up and… I decided to go for it, Cristina"

Her person was like a sphinx, an unreadable expression on her face and Meredith started to fear her reaction and comment. She swallowed and looked to her feet.

"You don't think I can do it, right?"

"No"

Meredith's eyes jumped up in shock. She felt bad hearing her doubts voiced out and confirmed by someone else. But strangely Cristina's face opened in a smile. "I think you're perfect for it, Meredith. I'm proud of you"

"Really?"

"Really. I just hope you decided freely and Derek didn't pressure you into it"

"He didn't"

"You didn't feel backed into it to win him back…."

"No"

"I can kick his ass if he did" Cristina arched her brows suggestively and Meredith giggled.

"I know you'd love to but no… he was just perfect, Cristina" Meredith took a deep breath and her friend saw tears bubbling up in her eyes.

"Meredith…"

"I'm fine" she sniffled "I've only realized I hurt him… very much. Not just with the trial thing but also before…" she wiped away some tear and looked up to collect herself.

"You both hurt each other, Mer. I guess it's part of the relationship thing… You do things, you say things. But the important is that you cleared it out and now you're back together. I'm happy for you"

Cristina smiled and Meredith felt a stone fall from her back. She had been scared of her judgment and opinion and now she felt relieved and ready to face everything, everyone.

"Thank you. I'm worried, you know?"

"About what?"

"About here" she sent a furtive glance around and Cristina got she meant the hospital, the rumors, the clamor Derek's step back had fostered.

"People will forget about it in a couple of days, Meredith"

"Not everybody, I fear"

"Let Shepherd deal with it"

"It's my fault, Cristina"

"But you made up with him and everyone has to respect it"

"You said it yourself…. Bailey is fuming"

"And Hunt will deal with her. It's not our place to do it"

Meredith kicked the air, her eyes down on the floor. Cristina got there was something else occupying her brain but her pager called her back to duty, breaking their moment.

"It's Altman…"

"Go… I'll see you later"

"Any good case?"

"Nope. But I have important stuff to do today"

Cristina arched her brow quizzically and Meredith snorted.

"Apart that making Derek out in the closet"

"Geez, Mer. Relax… I was not thinking about that… but do it as you look obsessed about it"

"You'd be too after two weeks of celibacy…"

"Probably… but… what about this important stuff?"

Meredith shrugged, a chill went down her spine thinking of the chance to meet the social services for Zola.

She pulled herself together and smiled.

"I decided to talk to Alex and pull him out of his doghouse"

"Quite about time… even if I have to say I enjoyed the spank moments"

Meredith giggled and looked to her, curious. Cristina rolled her eyes and made a step back.

"Mer… I have to stand Reed as Chief Resident. I had to lash out on someone"

"And you chose him?"

"Alex is made to be trumped over"

* * *

Derek entered Zola's room quietly.

Robbins was there to visit the baby and he didn't want to intrude.

He couldn't help but smile thought when he noticed the girl's face lightening up in a smile.

Shepherd approached the bed and stopped, sending a quick glance around and feeling surprised and astonished at the same time.

The room had totally changed face in the last few hours.

There were puppets and dolls scattered on the chairs and nightstand, colored friends to keep Zola company. Probably the volunteers had stopped by now she was awake and cheered her room a bit.

Derek smiled and his eyes focused back on Arizona and her little patient, his arms closed around his chest. Her colleague giggled when Zola stole her stethoscope and Shepherd did too.

"No, Zola" Arizona said gently, pulling the medical tool away from her "this nice stuff is useful to dr. Robbins to visit other babies" she stepped away and opened the chart, giving Derek a sympathetic smile.

"She slept through the night" she eyed him quickly and sighed seeing no reaction on his face "which you obviously know since you're not surprised"

Derek stiffened at the comment. He felt embarrassed to sneak in and out of her room like a stalker.

"I stopped by some time…" he said in a shy tone and Robbins shook her head, smiling.

"She's recovering perfectly, labs came back clear this morning and I'm very confident, Derek"

"I'm happy…" his eyes sparkled and he cleared his throat "I wanted to apologize about yesterday, Robbins"

"No reason"

"No… I made a scene in your OR and I had no right to do that. I'm sorry if I put you in an awkward position"

"You didn't" she turned around to face him, placing her pen in the front pocket of her labcoat. She smiled but got serious when he saw how tensed Derek looked "well… I don't like fellow surgeons to burst in my OR uninvited but… I get you were worried. It's not big deal, Shepherd"

"Anyway I acted carelessly and I'm sorry"

He looked down to his feet and Arizona arched her brows. Derek Shepherd was acting all humble and sheepish and she had the feeling to be a strict teacher in front of a naughty student. The feeling was really strange though. The doctor she knew was everything but that and, despite all her assumptions, it was affecting her to see him like this. She tucked a strand of air behind her ear and smiled, trying to release the pressure. She hadn't much confidence with Derek but they were colleagues, they worked together, they had shared drinks sometimes and she had no reason to round the topic any longer.

"So… I hope you don't mind if I ask you if the rumors are true…"

"Which rumors?" his back stiffened and he gave her a piercing look. Even if Robbins was smiling, he didn't like to know the whole hospital was buzzing and people were sticking their nose in his family. Meredith was facing a difficult step, he was too. Last thing he needed was gossip messing around their heads.

"You tell me…." Arizona's face tilted to the side and Derek felt his patience leave. He knew everybody had probably witnessed his reunion with Meredith but usually his coworkers preferred to talk behind his back rather than to his face. And, in that moment, he realized he probably was more comfortable with the first one.

"As you probably know there are many around me right now" he said quietly, bitterness lingering in every word.

"I do know. But nothing of that crap concerns me. But the fact that you're willing to do a great gesture and welcome this baby in your family… Are you?"

Derek breathed out, nodding, tension bubbling up in his stomach.

He was crystal sure about his intentions and purposes, but the previous evening Karen and Meredith had opened a window his mind hadn't even considered. The chance someone wouldn't consider them reliable parents. And now, facing a co worker, he felt for the first time the feeling not to be in control.

Robbins read straight through his fears and patted his shoulder.

"I know what it means to be turned upside down by social services and shrinks, Shepherd. I know I'm not better expert than you in this but… let me know if I can help someway"

"Thank you"

"Anytime" Robbins gave him a wide smile and then opened the door to leave. Derek called her back.

"Robbins?"

"Mmh?"

"Thanks for calling my life and career a load of crap"

"You're welcome"

He chuckled and she disappeared down the corridor. Derek breathed out and decided to go to the lounge and have a cup of coffee. Zola had fallen asleep during their speech and was now resting peacefully in her bed. He tucked the covers over her and left quietly, walking resolutely and head down towards his destination.

There were conceited voices in the room and he snorted. The thought of going and serve himself at a vending machine crossed his mind but he wasn't quick enough. Before he realized, his hand pushed the door opened and magically the buzzing stopped.

Altman and Torres looked up, a guilty look spreading over their faces as they quickly looked down, their beverages suddenly interesting.

It didn't take much to get what they were talking about and Shepherd felt sick. He just hoped the gossip would stick to professional and that his fellow attendings would spare this treatment to Meredith. He didn't even pretend to be friendly and nice. His features hardened as he poured himself a generous and hot cup of coffee before storming to the door.

"Please go back… act as I wasn't here…" he hissed before pushing down the doorknob. He turned around briefly to send a stern look to the two women but before he could realize, he bumped into Bailey, black liquid reversing on his immaculate and newly ironed coat. He made a step back when warmth bit his skin and he waved his fingers to wipe coffee away, coursing under his breath.

"What the hell… Shepherd… where were you looking?"

Derek sent Miranda a strict look and then turned around, pissed to be still in the room.

Teddy and Callie were sharing furtive glances and Bailey got something was going on. She watched carefully as her colleague picked up some paper towels and went back to the door, bending his knees to clean up the mess on the floor. Even Hunt had noticed the strange interaction from the corridor and peaked his head in the room.

"What's going on?" he asked Derek quietly.

"Nothing" spat Shepherd curtly, straightening up and throwing the soaked and dirty paper away. He rubbed his hands nervously and headed to the door. Owen was going to let it go and give him room but Callie's voice froze them all.

"I'm sorry, Derek"

"You're not" he muttered without even looking back, waiting for Hun to step aside and let him walk the hell away. When he realized the Chief wasn't going to budge, he raised his eyes and glared at him coldly.

"Chief…" he gestured to the door with his head "please". He took a step aside to round Owen but Hunt stopped him.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. The whole hospital is talking about me. I just thought they would have the decency to do it out of my ears" he tried to walk out but Hunt stopped him again, raising his friend's and surgeon's impatience. Derek turned around raking a hand in his hair and Torres took the chance to approach him again.

"We weren't badmouthing about you, Shepherd" Derek chuckled in disbelief but Callie didn't lose courage. "We were just speculating on what happened… as something did… right?"

Her voice was gentle and calm but it wasn't enough to cool Derek off.

"Even if something happened, it's none of your business, Torres"

"It's not true" cut in Bailey, flooring both Derek and Owen "it affected the whole hospital and you can't pretend not to know it"

"This is ridiculous…" he turned around but stopped when Bailey gripped his elbow tightly, raising a loud sigh from her colleague. "Let me go, Bailey. I have stuff to do"

"What? Sniffling Grey in an On Call Room?"

Derek turned around furious and Owen stepped in the room, closing the door behind his back and placing himself between Shepherd and Bailey. He raised his hands to tune the discussion down but Miranda's assessment still stung on Derek's skin and the neuro surgeon addressed her sternly.

"I don't know what the hell is your problem, Bailey, but anything I do with my wife needs your approval"

"And actually I don't care!" she snapped back.

"It looks like you do"

Bailey shut up for a moment, taking in the hurt painted on Derek's face. She hated to face him on this, she hated to hurt him. But she had waited even too long to raise the argument. She cleared her throat and spoke quietly.

"You did something, Shepherd… something which changed the face of this place. And the least you can do is give us an explanation"

Derek chuckled and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"I don't owe you nothing, Bailey. Really nothing. There was a disciplinary action against me and I was asked to withdraw my candidature. What's your deal with it?"

"My deal is that this reconstruction is not true… we all know it"

Derek snorted pacing in the room and Bailey ignored Hunt's almost pleading eyes. She turned and her heels and faced Shepherd again.

"Do you really think nobody here noticed your…" she stopped and swallowed "dr. Grey got fired and was hired back the same day Webber announced Hunt taking his place?"

"So?"

The neuro surgeon looked to her defiantly but Miranda didn't stop, too determined to let her opinion known and clear.

"Do you know how this makes us feel?"

"Your feelings on how I feel to manage my career are not really my priority, Bailey. To be frank… I don't give a crap on how you feel and you shouldn't even have feelings on it"

"It's where you go wrong. As I do have… they all have" she pointed to Torres and Altman who were present, but Derek knew she was probably referring to the whole freaking hospital "And even if I don't have a voice on you, I can't accept Webber gave up his job… his life to cover a senseless and brainless doctor who happens to be your wife"

"This is not how things went"

"And how did they go?" asked Bailey raising her voice. She shook her head almost in disbelief in front of Derek's stubbornness and closure. "I know you, Shepherd… I do know you. You're an arrogant, full of shit neuro guy. But you're fair and I can't really believe you decided to silence all this"

"I didn't silence a damned thing!" hissed Derek through gritted teeth "And you don't know what the hell you're talking about!"

"I do know, instead" answered Miranda, calm despite her colleague's storming attitude "I do know that you reported her, I do know this… but somewhere…" she shook her head and Derek felt her demeanor change. "What happened, Derek?" her eyes bore into his and he felt this was not just about Meredith, it was about a broken promise and a responsibility he was supposed to take and he had not, failing his colleagues.

"I made a mistake, Bailey. That's what happened" he sighed and his eyes travelled across the room, not setting anywhere "I'm an arrogant, full of shit person but… you said it right. I'm fair. And I couldn't hide or deny this mess was my fault too… probably totally mine…"

"How can you say that? It was not you who tempered the trial"

"No, it wasn't me. But it was me who chose the wrong person, who didn't realize who much the pressure was rising on Meredith and Richard. I was the doctor responsible of all this project and let things go to hell. That's just on me"

"You can't confuse things like this, Derek. Maybe you misjudged, maybe you didn't catch up the signs… but you weren't the one to screw the files"

Shepherd sank on the couch, his face buried in his hands. He raked a hand through his hair again, leaving it tousled and disheveled. Even if he got Bailey's point of view, he didn't see the point of this conversation. He sighed and locked eyes with her.

"What is the sense of this, Miranda? What do you want me to say?"

"Shepherd…"

"What did you want me to do?" he stood, taking a couple of steps in the room. "Do you want me to tell you Meredith did a huge mistake? Fine… she did. Are you happy, now?"

"I'm not"

"So tell me what the hell you want so that we can close this pathetic discussion and go on with our life"

"We can't just go on as everything will never be as it used to. Can't you really see that?"

"And you want to charge my wife about this?"

"Who else?" shouted Bailey. "She messed up with a trial, she seeded destruction on her way and yet… I have to listen to her snoring in the on call room as she came out of this smelling like a fucking rose?" she opened her arms in disbelief and Derek flinched. He was starting to feel like three days before, constantly sick to his stomach, and he tried to push the feeling away. "What am I gonna teach my new interns? What am I gonna say when they ask me why she's still here and you and Richard lost almost everything?"

Derek took all his courage and raised his eyes, trying to ignore Hunt's contrite face and focusing back on Miranda. He set both hands on his sides just to busy them, his body was aching for the need of moving and he was starting to feel claustrophobic. He cleared his throat and tried to sound normal, to win the knot strangling him.

"You're gonna say them the truth. You're gonna say them that this is a teaching hospital and dr. Grey made a horrible mistake. But, as all people who do that, she deserved a second chance as the fault was not just hers. It was mine and Webber's as well. It was mainly ours and it was right we took the biggest blame"

Miranda shook her head chuckling.

"Is this enough for you?"

Derek feared Miranda's temper and conclusion even before stating his own idea.

"It is. It has to be for you too"

Bailey's face hardened almost immediately and sparkles of anger appeared in her stare.

"You really don't know me, Shepherd, if you think I'll let your wife walk away like this"

"This is totally inappropriate, Bailey" cut it Hunt.

Owen had let the two surgeons scorn and fight but he had decided to intervene as, clearly, their discussion was leading to nothing. Bailey was acting more like friend than doctor. As, as professional she was and he respected, she had no voice and say in that matter. What Derek and Richard had done to protect Meredith was none of her business. It was more than clear than someone had allowed them to arrange the problem like that and nobody, Bailey included, could interfere and nose in it. If she had meant to give an opinion on the subject she had, more than profusely, now it was time to put her back to place.

Something apparently she wasn't willing to do.

"This conversation doesn't concern you, Chief"

"It does instead. It does as you're threatening to retaliate to a resident who is not even on your service. Don't you think this topic is of my concern?"

"Oh yes, it is. But I think you should be more concerned in wanting her out of here"

"So we're talking about this now?"

Derek's eyes flashed in disbelief. He really couldn't believe that Bailey, out of all people, was throwing these darts at Meredith. "This is about you wanting Meredith fired?"

His voice sounded outraged and Bailey got that she had lost touch with the conversation. She pinched her nose and took a deep breath.

"No, I don't want her fired"

"What do you want then?" She lingered a moment before answering and Derek raised his voice, repeating his question "What is it that you want?"

"I want her to be sorry, Shepherd. I want her to pay"

"I assure you she paid enough already" muttered Derek quietly.

"Really? How?"

Her relentless obstinacy set Derek on again.

"We all paid enough already" he affirmed sternly.

"It's not…"

"I lost every reliability I had in the medical world" cut Derek off "my name tumbled down. I am a doctor to hide right now, I will not be able to run trials in the next five years" he stretched every word to clear Bailey the picture.

"I was not talking…"

"Richard gave up his position" interrupted Derek again "he's the father of this place, our mentor, our guide and he gave up his job without even looking back"

"And who do we have to thank about that?" snapped Bailey. Derek swallowed and looked to her in disbelief.

"I guess the disease which is going to kill his wife… better… the disease which is going to swallow his wife…" Derek locked eyes with Miranda and she flinched. "What kind of person do you think I am, Bailey?"

"What?"

"Look me in the eye…" he approached her and leant both palms on her shoulders, his irises meeting hers "I know you all love Richard and I do too. I felt for him, I feel for him. But I also know that things are much more complicated here and everybody is to blame. Fingering Meredith… I did it myself for two weeks, Bailey. Then I took my head out of my ass and I realized it wasn't fair. We all made mistakes, we all did wrong. And Meredith will pay for this… more than everybody else. What she did was beyond my patients, beyond my trial, beyond me and Richard and you and them. It has nothing to do with the hospital. It's everything but that and I know it may sound unreasonable and not understandable to you … but I did what I felt to do. Richard did what he felt. And you would be stupid if you held it against Meredith" he took in a deep breath and broke the contact with Miranda. Torres and Teddy were looking at him and he almost squirmed. "You're everything but stupid"

He poured himself a glass of water and swallowed it in a gulp.

Bailey's voice broke the solace the cold liquid was providing him.

"What if I want to be stupid?"

Shepherd turned to look at her. He ignored Owen's sighing. Hunt probably knew things the others didn't, the others couldn't know. At this point the matter was difficult to solve and it was not in his hands anymore.

"I have no more arguments to spent on this, Bailey. I did my choices and I'm perfectly fine with it. I would be a liar if I said my personal life didn't help in clearing my mind. It did. But I can't force you to think my same way. I chose to act like I did to save my marriage and I perfectly understand it doesn't matter to you the same way it does to me… Richard took the same decision. The Board accepted our apologies and cleared us. If you have some problem about it… your Chief is here now. You should discuss your concerns with him, possibly without me in the same room"

He made some step towards the exit but Hunt stopped him.

"Shepherd…"

"No, Hunt" Derek cut him off "I'm being perfectly honest with you. I know it's not necessary as you know the whole thing. I'm answering the question you won't ask me. If your staff is concerned about Dr. Grey's presence in the hospital, you should deal with it. We'll stick to your decision and be ready to leave. Jennings actually asked me the same thing… he asked me to save my job or my marriage and I confirm my choice even to you"

Shepherd finally rounded Owen and left the room.

He saw nurses pretending to be busy and he realized their fight had probably reached everybody's ear.

His pager beeped and he read the message, freezing on the spot: "Zola. Social service"

He took in a deep breath to slow his heart.

He was going to face one of the most important interviews of his life.

The rest could go to hell right now.

* * *

_Having a net under your feet is what makes the difference between real acrobats and rookies._

_The knowledge you can't make a mistake, you can't distract your attention._

_As, if you do, you could lose everything._

_Love, family, job, respect._

_Life._

_There's a reason they call it third degree._

_Liars can pretend through the first two._

_Then… it all goes back to who you really are._

* * *

Ok, don't be mad to Bailey...

You know her. She'll get to know the real, big picture in the next chapter.

I plan to make it a little lighter than this one.

Meredith will face Alex, Derek will have some bad surprise... but I'd like to focus more on Zola and MC Baby.

How many people still reading this?


	52. TURNING PAGE

Hey!

I know it's a long time but it's summer and I'm on Holiday.

Plus I had a little problem and had to endure a little surgery, nothing bad but my pc wasn't allowed in my room.

Now I'm back and I hope I'll be ready with next chapter soonish next time.

Read and review!

* * *

_When I was a kid I loved reading…_

_Mostly fairytales._

_Then there was the period of novels, adventures and epic stories lived and told at the boundaries of the world._

_Witches, fairies, pirates… wild nature and far cities._

_Everything flowed through those pages: the lives of the main characters, their loves, their victories, their defeats. _

_I wondered if those people really existed, each character had a name and I even put a face on it._

_Then I grew up… and my life became the story._

_I went through every chapter and wondered if the next one would be happier or more exciting._

_And, at a certain point, the change happened._

* * *

Meredith was already in the conference room when Derek arrived.

He smiled brightly seeing her and bent forward to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked tapping her nose mockingly and gently.

"I did..." she answered amused "but I woke up when I realized you left me alone"

"I had to check on a patient" Derek said dropping on a chair near her, rubbing his eyes.

The awkward and unexpected conversation he had endured in the attending lounge still echoed in his ears, but it was not something he wanted to share with her. Better... He didn't want Meredith to worry about it or feel guilty. Probably she was going to know anyway but, in that moment, right before their first interview with the social worker, he didn't want to bother her.

Derek looked up, reminding himself to smile and look relaxed, when Meredith cleared her throat.

"So..." she said fidgeting with her clock "Cristina knows we're out of the woods finally"

She squirmed under his blue gaze and gave him a smile, a smile that Derek reciprocated. He had understood she was nervous from the way she was tormenting her wrist, but he had also understood it was a good thing she was going to say. Meredith had the habit to chew her lower lip when she was about to say something which amused her, only Derek didn't know why this particular event was supposed to be funny. "And I took the chance to grill her a bit"

Hence the fun.

Derek took her hand and squeezed it, curious to know what this was about.

"I wish I was there to mock her too"

"Oh... It was better you were not... Trust me"

"Why?" he frowned and Meredith giggled, interlocking her fingers with his.

"Well... She saw me sneaking out of the On Call Room and... She had seen us yesterday evening with Zola" she rolled her eyes, imagining Derek could make two and two, but he didn't. He kept staring at her, his brows arched quizzically. Meredith took a deep breath.

"She assumed we had been busy in hot sex in the OC Room"

"Oh..."

"And that I had worn you out..."

Derek scrunched his nose in disapproval "that hurts..." he muttered through gritted teeth, raising a giggle from his wife. "Cristina underestimates my skills..."

"I told her"

"Thank you, wife" he said, his eyes sparkling.

"Not a problem. You know I'm Little Derek's first fan"

"And only fan" he bent forward to kiss her light on the lips "actually you've got the only card of the club. But..." he stopped creating a cliff hanger and Meredith looked to him arching her brows "all the rest of my body is pretty upset you don't consider it at all"

"Oh... I do" breathed out Meredith, taking a full glance to his gorgeous husband. Her eyes lingered a moment on his chest. The labcoat and navy scrub he was wearing weren't tailored suits but Derek looked wonderful and sexy in them. His muscles, defined but not bulging, were hidden and waiting for her under the soft material. The mere thought was enough to make her wish she could close the door and rip them off his body. She focused elsewhere to try to get her composure back. His fingers were lazily toying with each other, the way they usually toyed with her body. Derek had very skillful hands, not just medically speaking, and she had to repress a sob imagining those hands trailing down her body gently and possessively. She almost moaned and her eyes narrowed taking in the amused and wicked expression painted on Derek's face "I was just trying to minimize the topic not to jump you right here..." she added biting her lip again, low and shy like a kid caught hands in the marmalade.

After a moment of silence they both giggled and then Meredith cleared her throat.

"So... Cristina kept saying I had left you passed out in the bunk bed and I played along with it. I said it was true and she barged in to take fun of you"

"Oh..." Derek's brows arched. He clearly remembered Bailey going in for a nap after he had left. He wondered what happened then and Meredith answered his question.

"Imagine her surprise when she switched on the light and found Bailey trying to rest" Meredith's lips stretched in a smile and Derek flinched. He was a light sleeper and it had happened a lot of times people barged into the OC room he was sleeping in and woke him up. Only usually it was the noise coming from outside the source of the disturb, not a flashing light shot directly on his face. It had to be hell, especially for surgeons who strained their sight and body over endless procedures. Last thing they needed was a broken sleep which, usually, left a growing headache and a bad mood.

Other days he would laugh about this, probably he would go to Miranda and shove the little incident on her face to crack a joke. Today... Today that was not going to happen. For a short moment a hopeful, optimist thought crossed his mind. Bailey could have shot that charade as she was pissed to Meredith for that little tease. but the idea died right there. Miranda was too smart to mix stuff like that, she was too balanced to raise serious topics against innocent hospital fluff. She had been brooding her outburst from days and was really crossed and upset with Meredith. Derek sighed, his brain focusing on his wife who had resumed her telling.

"It's useless to say she got pissed... Royally pissed but... Screw me... Christina's face was worth the scorn" she showed Derek her tongue and he smiled. But there was something off in that expression and Meredith sensed it, her cheerfulness dropped but she tried to ignore the feeling.

"So you got her spanked by Bailey..."

"Yes... And Cristina didn't like it. And above all she didn't like the idea. Apparently Bailey is after Hunt's blood and Cristina is worried too"

Even if Meredith had overstepped the sensation of Derek's shifting mood, she couldn't pretend anymore when she saw him lowering his eyes to the floor. Something had happened and he looked concerned, worried... tired?

"Are you ok, Derek?" she took his hand and squeezed, gaining his attention. Her husband graced her with a smile, but it didn't light up his features as usual and she waited for him to be ready to talk.

"Yes..."

"Your face changed when I mentioned Bailey being on war path again"

He shook his head to deny, but his eyes hadn't been engineered to do it, they were crystal and see through and Meredith could detect he knew more than he was ready to say.

"You know her, Mer" he breathed out, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb "the hospital is her house and family. She doesn't like the change that much. Especially when it was sudden and unexpected"

"So she's blaming Owen?" she asked in disbelief, feeling like there was something, some important detail she was missing. Derek smiled to her, breathing out, trying to put into words an explanation, something true and plausible but not the heavy reality hanging on their heads.

"I guess she has it on Hunt who took the job, on me who gave up the job, on Webber who retired without asking her permission or, simply, telling her first. She's mad to the world but... We know her... She just needs some time to tune her mind on the new frequency and then she'll be fine. Bailey is a good woman... we just need to let her set the time and she won't hold grudge"

He gave her a reassuring smile but Meredith looked thoughtful. She was processing Derek's words in her brain and something was screaming in her head there was something missing in that draw. It looked true, everything Derek had said was true. Bailey had a special relationship with the Chief, it was something built with respect and also affection. They didn't have a personal story outside Seattle Grace walls, no family meeting, no leisure to cultivate together. Their bond had grown in the hospital and Bailey was kind of Richard's pet, one of his pets. But, differently from all the others, Derek included, she somehow thought the Chief had to warn her beforehand on his decisions, ask her consent or, at least, assure she would be fine with it. What had happened with Hunt's promotion was mostly like this. And the fact she probably didn't like the idea everyone had paid but Meredith. The light turned on in her head and Meredith sucked in a deep breath.

"She's mad at me... Isn't she?" she said quietly, trying to approach the thorny topic without getting a total closure as response. But Derek, despite her delicacy, didn't look happy to answer the question and, most likely, to dig into a matter which was probably bigger than that.

"It's more complicated than that, Mer" he breathed out, his eyes darting in the room.

"I'm not that simple minded, Derek"

"I know... I know... and I'm not avoiding the topic, really. I just hoped we could discuss this later, maybe after the interview with the social worker" he smiled, taking her hand and squeezing it.

"As you think it would upset me, don't you?"

Derek sighed. He felt like he was slamming against a rubber wall. Actually knowing the real subject of the issue with Bailey, and knowing it was not just Miranda's issue, would bother her. She didn't need it right now and, more than that, Derek himself was trying to wrap his mind around it, cool off and think rationally. Engaging in a cold war with his colleagues was the last thing he wanted, both for himself and Meredith. He squeezed her hand again and talked quietly.

"It could upset you as it upset me. The problem concerns me too, Meredith. I really don't think this is the right place and moment to do it" his eyes travelled behind her back and she saw Karen approaching with another woman. They were walking down the corridor and almost the door, it was the right chance to delay this confrontation with Meredith "besides... Karen is here"

"Where?" choked out Meredith, almost jumping on the chair. She turned her head and her eyes narrowed seeing two women five steps from the conference room. She felt Derek rubbing her hand and looked to him, taking a deep breath.

"Relax, Mer... We'll be fine and she'll love us"

She closed her eyes right before Karen and the social worker came in, trying to remember the hints Izzie had given her to look bright and shiny.

* * *

After 24 hours hour of kingdom, Owen had turned Richard's office in a complete mess. Webber had been of words and removed his stuff top speed.

That morning, opening the door, Hunt had frozen realizing the Chief's ... well ex Chief's personal belongings were gone. They had become part of the furniture in his imagination and the new effect felt strange and quite uncomfortable.

Owen was sitting behind the desk, hands behind his nape, trying to make a first appraisal of gone and missing objects. It wasn't supposed to be difficult, he was a good observer and his pupils were scanning the room to detect blank spaces.

Starting from the proximity, there was a ruined spot on the desk, like something had been recently removed. Something which had stayed there long enough to ruin the wood, to make it clearer and more opaque than the surrounding area. Owen closed his eyes for a second to focus the room like it used to be. And it clicked. The little, bronze, statue Richard had under his nose the whole day for a lot of years was gone. Apparently it belonged to his personal collection and he had taken it home. Hunt had been so taken by the events and the chaos that hadn't even considered to offer Richard a small office somewhere in the department. It wasn't the modus operandi, but Webber had been chief for decades and, after all, he deserved some exception to the rules. Owen made mental note to ask him later and focused on the table again. All the papers and the protocols the Board had asked him to study had been piled up in a corner, a castle, unsteady and ready to crumble down any second. How they could still be standing in that precarious balance was an offense to the gravity laws, something Owen wasn't ready to face yet. He had made that mess himself the previous evening before going home, a childish attempt to make the desk look less chaotic and full of unaccomplished work. Hunt knew he had to start sooner rather than later and he had sworn himself he would do after the meeting he had organized in a few minutes.

He backed against the chair and the leather squeaked under his weight. His attention was caught by the little library against the opposite wall. It was half empty. The shelves held a few books and Owen squinted to read the titles from his location: economics, financial budgets, medical reports. All the good, fancy surgical manuals he remembered flipping through the pages while waiting for Webber had disappeared and Owen felt bad as he didn't have many at home to replace them. And all he had was old and in bad conditions. He had never been a fan of books, he used them to study, he used them full stop. All the restless and sleepless nights he had spent in the dim light curled on those pages had marked both his person and the manuals, like violating their perfect white and shiny appearance could be a vengeance for the hard time they were providing him. Hunt had been an awful student. Smart, quick, yet awful. He didn't relinquish and worship books like sanctuaries and this had signed a gap with all his fellows students. He had soon become a lonely duck, relegated by himself, and his habits had grown even worse if possible. He took manuals in the bathroom to read while he was in the tube, he opened them on the table while he was eating. That meant many were dirty in food he had accidentally reversed and splashed, many pages looked faded and words almost deleted for the liquids he had spilled and left to dry naturally. Not something which could be suitable for the chief of surgery private library. Cristina could have some but... Owen knew her enough to sense she would kill rather than lending them. He had to plan a shopping session to buy some good edition and she could be interested in that activity.

Being Chief was proving tiring also for this stuff.

Appearance, protocol, image...

The Board had given him the power and now Hunt had to deal also with endorsement and looking like a professional bookworm.

Jennings had even mentioned something about a personal protocol, nothing too bad or strict he had said. After all, the rumors of his adventure with the tropical fish stuck in his urethra and the secretary who had turned out to be his mistress were still vivid in the hospital. Cristina had told him the story the first time they had spotted the man together. Owen would have preferred not to know about it but it was too late. He thanked God he wasn't in the medical staff at the time. Talking to him and arguing about budgets would be a lot more difficult after removing a fish from his penis. How could Richard and Derek possibly do that?

He shivered thinking about it and swiveled with his chair, looking instinctively for the beverages making the office private bar. A lot of things had changed there too. Alcoholics were gone, probably after Webber's probation period. Only a couple of bottles stood on the steel tray, half empty. Fizzy drink and sparkling water. Shepherd had apparently left more signs of his passage than he thought. Staring carefully to the little supplies corner, Hunt realized there was something else missing. The little frame which used to impale the drinks. Mrs. Webber's picture. Of course Richard had dismantled the little sanctuary made of his wife's photos and, now that Hunt observed better, also the greetings and rewards hanging on the walls were gone. Many rewards judging from the haloes left on the walls. The painting was still perfect in places protected by pictures and draws and the whole room would need a freshening. Hunt didn't have stuff to hang to cover that. He sighed realizing he didn't have pictures to frame either. A sudden thought crossed his mind and he chuckled, raking a hand in his short and tawny hair. He wondered what Cristina would do or think if he placed her photo in his office. Would she be happy? It would sound like a very serious commitment but, finally, she had agreed to marry him. It would be strange if he didn't even consider to have something reminding him of her in there. But, knowing Cristina, she would be embarrassed, her friends would mock her forever for that. Not to consider the mocking he was going to receive himself. She would make him pay for something like that... Make him pay in ways he wasn't allowed to focus on while he was sitting in his office, trying to be the leading figure of the whole hell of freaking hospital.

He stroked his face forcefully to push steamy thoughts out of his head and snorted. He needed to pull himself together and start producing something. The several and heavy protocols were out of his league at the moment, he would attack them later. He took a paper and started to scribble things he needed to give a presentable appearance to the office.

Books.

Diploma

Citations ?

Drinks

Photos

He tapped his fingers on the table nervously and then pinched his nose, trying to figure out other stuff which could make this place more personal and less neglected. He was still deep in thought when he heard someone knocking and, after a few seconds, Webber's face appeared on the doorframe.

The older surgeon smiled at him and Hunt got the impression he looked much more relaxed and in control than he remembered. Of course he did, he had saddled all the problems on someone else's shoulders and was now enjoying the core of medicine. A second youth. Owen reciprocated the smile and invited him to step in.

"Dr. Webber... Please come in"

Richard chuckled and sat in front of Hunt, his eyes moving around quickly. Something changed in his eyes, Owen detected a lot of feelings flashing for a second. Regret, nostalgia, memories... Good and bad. It was kind of natural and the was no shame in admitting it.

"It looks a lot different... Doesn't it?" he asked gently, Richard's gaze moving towards his figure.

"It does" he muttered softly, nodding.

"Much more bare and impersonal, I guess. I didn't think you would move everything out so quickly"

"It's not my office anymore, Hunt. I didn't want to bother you with my stuff any longer. I guess you have yours to places around"

"You guess wrong..." Owen said looking down, grazing the paper he had just written. The paper was rough under his fingertips but something else caught his attention. A lot of scratches and marks he had never noticed on the desk. He traced his hand on them quietly, realizing the table looked like a real battle field.

"The department can afford a new table, Hunt" Richard smiled when their eyes locked "I was not very meticulous in preserving the hospital furniture"

Owen arched his brows, surprised, He didn't know why, but he had always held a very different opinion about this. Webber looked like a perfect general, caring, accurate. He had never given him the idea of a guy who cut notches on the table leg not to miss meetings. Richard tilted his head to the side getting his astonishment.

"You thought I was an over petulant guy, didn't you?" he asked, amusement evident in his voice.

"I kind of did, sir" muttered Owen quietly, raising Richard's laughter. The man was really relaxed, it was not just an impression. Webber choke back his hilarity and cleared his throat.

"You're a very funny guy, Hunt. Another one would be here dreading protocols and building up strategies. Instead... You are here worrying on ruining hospital property and making this place look presentable. I knew I was in a strongbox with you..."

Owen arched his brows quizzically and Richard went on.

"You'll realize the first time Patricia brings you a report while the desk is in such a state. The Board thinks every paper must be protected from I don't know who and they seal the envelopes with so much glue it was a fight every time. I ended up stabbing the wood with the scissors most of the time"

"Oh..."

"Lucky me I've never severed my hands" Webber ended smiling "Don't worry about decoration, Owen. The first years of my Chief this place was completely naked. It was Adele who insisted to give it a spirit when my contract was renewed. She said this place looked like a prison and not an office. I needed a feminine help and she did the whole thing"

Owen had to choke back a laughter thinking of Cristina doing the same. Richard eyed him quizzically but he waved his hand, dropping the topic. It was time for more serious stuff. He had enjoyed the chat, Webber had promised to help and he was acting following his word. Shepherd was too. Owen tried to relax. Probably Richard was right. Freaking out on the furniture was a good thing after all, it meant everything else was going smoothly. Almost everything... Which brought him straight to the topic he had asked Webber to meet him for.

He felt a little bit embarrassed, he was the man in the storm now but was going to ask help, openly and clearly. The truth was that the situation was much more personal than professional and it was a field Owen couldn't walk safely on. Not when all his surgeons were openly rebelling to the new department asset.

Webber's reign needed a closure and he was going to explore the chances to organize it. Richard was looking at him, calm but insistently, and Owen cleared his throat.

"You're probably wondering why I asked you to come here"

Richard shifted on the sit and smiled, deciding to play it light.

"I thought you wanted some chief gossiping"

Owen chuckled and shook his head.

"Despite how much I appreciate it, Webber, it was not for that" it was his turn to move on the chair and the leather squeaked. "Have you heard about this morning?"

Richard frowned and turned serious.

"No... What was I supposed to hear?"

Owen tapped his fingers on the table, pondering for a brief moment if going ahead or try to solve the problem by himself.

"Hunt?" Richard prodded him and Owen decided to take the plunge.

"I witnessed a very awkward accident in the attending lounge... It was an accident at first and then degenerated in a very unpleasant conversation"

"With who?" asked Richard firmly. Hunt felt for a moment like he was still the trauma attending, like he was sitting in front of the chief to report and not the other way around.

"Torres, Altman and Shepherd at first. That was the awkward accident part. Then Bailey stepped in and it turned out to be a huge fight"

"About what?" Richard's jaw tightened and Owen got the feeling he had already understood the subject, the old and usual subject feeding the hospital gossip in the last days.

"You know it... You and Shepherd stepping down. But the thing went further this time. Bailey said crystal clear she doesn't want to have anything to do with Grey, she doesn't want her here. She suggested I should fire her"

"And you will?" shot Richard.

The question took Owen off guard, it wasn't the reaction he was expecting. It took him some moment to pull himself together.

"Of course not. Why are you asking?"

"As I don't see the reason why we are discussing this over again. So I assumed there was something new on the plate"

"There is something new, Webber" cut in Owen, it was Richard's turn to be surprised. "I think I have finally understood what's their deal with all this... what could put an end to this situation"

"And what would it be?"

Hunt swallowed, trying to prepare to put thoughts into words. He was going to ask something big to Webber, something for sure he had never done in his professional career.

Explaining himself and his reasons.

"Telling them the truth"

"Excuse me?" blurted out Richard, tilting his head to the side. Owen could see he was fuming to the mere idea but he didn't back off.

"Webber..." he tried to reason only to be cut off again.

"No" he said firmly, silence falling in the room "This wasn't the plan, Hunt. All this comedy had to stay put and this is not going to change as Bailey freaks out"

"It's not about her freaking out, Webber. It's not about that"

"Oh no... It's about people nosing in stuff they shouldn't be concerned with. Nothing of what happened is their business"

"I know but..."

"No but!" Richard interrupted roughly again, he stood to force his words even more "I'm not going to justify myself on this, Hunt. The attendings can't blackmail you or me or anybody. A choice was made and they have to deal with it. And you have to manage it" he said sternly before catching his breath "Now if you excuse me, I have patients to visit. And I promised Adele we would have lunch together" he added more quietly before leaving the room, slamming the door behind his back.

Owen sank in the chair even more, following Webber's form as he walked down the catwalk. This was not how he had planned this speech. Webber was right, he knew he was, Owen just wished Richard had given him the time to explain his idea profusely. Instead he had jumped like a spring and dismissed him. And they were in a black alley. He hoped he would think about this calmly, he hoped he would sensing the tension lingering in the department. Last thing they needed was an intestine feud right now. He looked to the bottles in the corner of the room and sighed, picking up the pen. He added another item to his office wish list.

Scotch.

* * *

"So I take you're..." the black woman paused a moment to check the names on her notebook "Meredith and Derek Shepherd, right?" she raised her eyes smiling to the couple but Meredith didn't feel relieved at all, and either at ease. On the contrary, she squirmed under her brown, inquisitor gaze and Derek sensed it. He squeezed her hand to give her some comfort and answered for the both of them.

"Yes..." he smiled softly and the woman smiled back. Lucky them, at least Derek looked to be in her graces. How could he not? Chatty and charming Mc Dreamy versus dark and twisty Grey. Things did never change apparently.

Meredith studied the woman's frame again. She was mid thirty, with a high forehead and big, expressive, piercing eyes. Her nose was thin and straight and had something masculine, her cheek bones were pronounced and gave her face a severe and austere appearance. Her hair was gathered in typical tresses and Meredith had to say her face was really beautiful. Her body was not that bad either. Her skirt, finishing right over her knee, revealed long and muscular legs, her waist was thin; her white shirt, a couple of buttons open to show her cleavage, contrasted with her bronze skin tone. Janet looked like a career girl, smart and prepared, and Meredith hoped all the papers she was holding didn't contain rivers of questions to answer.

She focused when Derek squeezed her hand again and looked up, hoping her mental rambling hadn't brought her to fly away and, possibly, to miss questions and the thread.

Her eyes met his and he tilted his head, like he was waiting for her to speak.

Apparently she had just made a fool of herself.

"I'm sorry..." she breathed out, taking a furtive glance to Janet. She kind of expected the woman to stand up and leave the room or... whatever... scold her for her lack of attention. She didn't do anything of that, she just stared at her smiling, waiting for an explanation she wouldn't get as Meredith hadn't heard her request. Derek came in help, addressing to her patiently and gently.

"Janet just asked to know something about us... I'm gonna start... I'm the chatty one after all" he smiled to his wife and Meredith heard Karen giggle. She thanked Derek in her head.

"Well... I'm from New York but I moved here almost six years ago and I plan to stay for long" he tapped his fingers on his knee and Meredith got she was not the only one feeling anxious, Derek was too but, finally, he was a better actor. "I'm a neuro surgeon... The chief of neurosurgery actually..." he said proudly but Meredith flinched beside him. If it was not for her stupidity, he would add the Chief of Surgery by now, but it was a position he wouldn't achieve thanks to her.

"That's great" said Janet enthusiastically, after scribbling something on her pad. Meredith wondered if she got that Derek's dry and synthetic biography was a little understatement. His being a neurosurgeon didn't pay him justice, he was one of the best. And, most of all, it assured him a six zeros income per year. But the woman didn't look quite interested in analyzing this topic, she was more interested in personal stuff.

"What about your family?" Derek backed against the chair frowning and she smiled, explaining herself "apart from Meredith and your baby..." she smiled widely and pointed to Meredith's belly "is it a boy or a girl anyway?"

Husband and wife shared a conspiratorial glare and smiled to each other, their fingers interlocking. They spoke at the same time.

"We didn't want to know the sex" said Derek, enthusiasm sparkling in his eyes.

"We kind of wanted the surprise" added Meredith softly, blushing under the adoring look Derek was giving her.

"That's wonderful" said Janet joining their little paradise "so... I was saying... What about your parents, Derek? Do they live here? Do you have brothers and sisters?"

"Well..." he paused sensing Meredith shivering beside him. He got her concern immediately, she was fearing to answer the same question later "my father died years ago. My mother still lives in New York... I have four sisters, all living in Connecticut, and a little army of nephews and nieces"

"Seriously?" Janet asked arching her brows, her eyes never leaving her papers "And what bout you Meredith?"

"I..." she muttered just to shut up immediately, swallowing with effort. She really didn't know where to start from "well... , my mother died a couple of years ago and my father... He walked out of my life much before. I have one step sister... Two step sisters..." she squirmed when Janet looked to her confused "I have relationships just with one... They are... from my father's side"

"Ok..." no judgment, no disapproval in the social worker's eyes, but Meredith couldn't choke back the feeling she hadn't given a good impression of herself. She had just admitted her family was totally screwed, that she didn't consider Molly family. Janet would be a fool not to place a big warning sign on her pad.

"As you probably know this is just a preliminary speech, organized to know each other and explain you what's going to happen now" Janet said scanning each word clearly and slowly. She was waving her hands to match her words and Meredith felt almost offended. She looked like she was talking to two kids and it was enervating her. "I'll leave you this questionnaire to fill" she stretched handling Derek a heavy dossier, Meredith's eyes narrowed at the size of it "it's divided in three parts. You're supposed to fill the first together, the second is for Meredith and the last for Derek. There are aptitude questions, personal questions... A lot of stuff and I beg you to answer truthfully and sincerely. There are not right or wrong answers, we just want to know you... Understand who you are... How you're like. We'll discuss your answers together next time. Anything you want to ask?"

Derek and Meredith shared a quick look and then shrugged.

"No"

"Good..." Janet said standing and they did the same "I've taken note of your numbers. I'll call you in a couple of days if it works for you... to schedule our next meeting. I'll talk to you separately"

"Ok..." said Meredith smiling, relief washing over her sensing this torture was almost over. But when she looked to Derek, her cheerfulness dropped to her knees. He was serious, deadly serious, and his forehead was crinkled like when he was worried. He was squeezing the papers tightly and Meredith got he was fighting the urge to say something. "Derek..." she prodded him quietly, her fingers brushing his arm to focus him. Even Janet had realized there was something going on in his head and was waiting patiently for him to talk. Finally he cleared his throat, his voice came out shaky and raspy.

"Janet..."

"Yes?" she asked smiling. Derek looked to relax a bit and Meredith slapped herself mentally. That woman was a shrink after all, she had endured years of training to deal with want to be parents; she had to meet them, analyze them, get the kind of persons they were, judge if they were suitable or not to raise a small little person. Big responsibility. Meredith had though she had a big one. Being a surgeon... It was something great, holding people's life under your hands, heal them... Now she wondered if Janet's life was any easier, how she felt like when she scratched a couple from the magic list, when she had to crush their dream. It had to be awful. Yet she looked like a balanced woman, someone who would never hurt anybody on purpose, who would not waste a baby's chance to have a real family. Unexpectedly... Meredith's heart filled with optimism and faith.

"I was wondering..." Derek said with a broken voice "where will Zola go when we clear her?" he swallowed trying to get composure back "before you evaluate whether we are or not suitable to adopt her... Where will she stay once she leaves the hospital?"

Janet and Karen shared a quick look and the social worker got serious.

"I understand your concern, Derek. Actually... It's something we still need to define. Karen said it will take some more day before Zola is ready to be dismissed" she paused and Meredith got the feeling she was addressing to them as doctors now.

"Yes" she confirmed "three of four at least"

"Right... in this lapse of time I'll go through your dossier and make a first appraisal of the situation and psychological draw. We had settled a special protocol with Karen... and I'm pretty confident we will be able to respect the deadlines we had decided together. That said... it's evident we won't perfect anything in such a short time. I'll need to find Zola a temporary location... We have many possible options... I'm not worried about that" she smiled courtly and stretched her hand, greeting Derek immediately accepted. "You'll hear of me soon, I promise"

"Thank you" answered Derek politely.

"Meredith..."

They shook hands too and then Janet left the room. Derek and Meredith waited while the social worker and Karen discussed something outside.

Grey couldn't help but remark Derek's changed mood. He looked... sad?

"Hey..." she squeezed his hand gently to get his attention, smiling to him softly "are you ok?"

"Yes" he breathed out, but Meredith got it wasn't utterly true. She tilted her head to the side and her husband took a deep breath "I know it's stupid but... with the perspective of Zola being out of here soon... I..." the words died in his throat and he raked a hand in his hair, sighing.

"You're worried they're going to settle her with some other family she might be not comfortable with" she finished for him and he nodded. "Derek... I get the feeling... But they are professionals, they care for these kids, we just have to trust the system"

Derek looked to her strangely and Meredith squirmed.

"What?" she asked sinking both hands in her pockets. Derek was piercing her with his gaze and she was starting to feel naked and exposed like she always did when he stared at her like that.

"When did you become so wise and reasonable?" he asked, astonishment, pride and amusement playing in his words and on his face. He looked a bit more relaxed and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Well... I guess when you assured me I could do this... I don't know why but... I kind of believed you"

Derek closed the distance between the two of them, his lips twitched upwards. He brushed Meredith's cheek gently with his thumb.

"You amaze me, Mer... Always... You're more ready than I am for this stuff... And it's not me who support you, but the other way around. Thank you" he angled his head and placed a quick kiss on her forehead. Before Meredith could realize, she found herself wrapped in his firm, warm, strong arms. She melted in the embrace, resting her head in the crock of his neck, inhaling his scent and feeling his heart beating. The world seemed to stop and she lost herself in the sweet sensation.

Hours... Minutes... Seconds... she didn't know how much time passed, but suddenly someone was demanding her attention. She giggled when Mc Peanut started to roll and stretch in her belly.

"Someone feels ignored down here..." she muttered, her hot breath fanning her husband's neck. Derek pulled back, smiling and his eyes moved automatically on her bump. He patted it with his fingers, moving following their child's movements.

"We need to take special care of this baby..." he raised his eyes to meet Meredith's "and of this special mummy... What time are you off tonight?"

"At 7... Why?"

"I have a special plan for us..." he leant forward to brush her lips lightly. When they parted, Meredith was looking at him frowning.

"Derek..."

"A very special one... Something I wanted to do for a long time"

"What would this be?"

"A surprise" smirked Derek "you need to wait to know"

"I don't like surprises" pouted Meredith, trying to move Derek into spilling something to her. But her husband knew the drill far too good and just smiled, petting her cheek again.

"You'll enjoy this..." he said, his voice betraying nervousness though.

"Well... I hope there will be some sex involved"

"Maybe... I guess this depends if you'll like my surprise or not"

"So I'll make love to you or I'll spank you?" she arched her brow quizzically.

"The both sound promising when you use that sexy voice..." mocked her Derek and Meredith rolled her eyes. She took her pager and checked it.

"Well... It's better I go back to work now... My pause ended ten minutes ago"

"Mine too"

"See you later then"

Meredith left the room and Derek watched her walking away. He sighed, anxious and enthusiastic about what he was going to do in the evening. He had been dreaming for this moment and dreading it at the same. He took in a deep breath and headed down the hallway himself. Working was the perfect way to kill the time.

* * *

Cristina was sitting at the cafeteria by herself, chewing her salad lazily. Her eyes were moving through the area, registering every movement and face. She had spotted some of her stupid interns laughing and joking at a table. Their faces had immediately changed when her cold stare had landed on their necks and she had gloated: the stupid morons feared her and that was a good starting point. At the moment there was no sign of Avery or Reed around. Jackson had been involved in a tough case in the morning and Adamson...

She was skipping lunches too taken in her new role, trying to arrange schedules and rotations, and, bad to admit, up to now Cristina had to say she hadn't screwed around that much. She had to run, she had to work extra hours every day to keep the pace, but she was keeping the whole thing in control and that was to her merit.

Yang spotted Alex entering the room. He looked pissed and used a nasty, dirty look to skip the queue, moving forward a couple of first year interns. He threw a sandwich and a banana on his tray and then sailing through the tables to find a free one. When he was about to sit by himself in a corner, Cristina waved her hand and he joined her, sinking in the plastic chair snorting.

"Hey" he acknowledged her presence while his fingers popped the lunch packet open.

"Rough morning?" she asked, not really interested in the answer. Owen had just entered the cafeteria but, to her disappointment, had moved directly into a corner, ignoring her.

"Flat one" he said chewing his tuna sandwich "some pit work and nothing else"

"I had a calm day myself" she said stabbing a tomato.

"I was told differently" Alex added smirking and Cristina looked at him "nurses were laughing their ass off as apparently Bailey scorned you"

"Stupid stuff... Meredith and I were joking... She was pissed but nothing bad. She didn't even bitch that much" Cristina's eyes searched Hunt, he was eating, alone and confined. Alex followed her gaze and nodded.

"He had a rough morning too"

Yang's eyes went back to Alex's face. She had been busy in the morning. Routine, morning stuff but enough to keep her busy and unaware of the hospital gossip.

"Good case?" she asked nonchalantly.

"No" Alex said swallowing "maybe Bailey spared you. But she didn't with him" Cristina froze, the topic suddenly getting all her attention.

"Owen fought with her?"

Karev shrugged, taking another bite of his paper sandwich.

"No. He cut in to pacify a fight in the attending lounge. Nurses were whispering Bailey jumped at Shepherd's throat" Cristina was looking at him with her cold, stone made face. Alex swallowed and lowered both eyes and voice "Apparently she still has it for the trial thing"

Cristina stopped chewing for a second and then resumed chewing, the fork drawing small circles in front of her mouth. She tried to use a distant tone, something suitable to hide the worry she had been feeling for days.

"Why would she bother about Alzheimer's trial? She should be happy… Webber dropped her his trial before the FDA sealed it. She earned something half hospital is craving"

"Apparently not that much…" Alex lowered his eyes, eating his sandwich with few enthusiasm. Maybe he was expecting Cristina to tell something, to add some detail to the gossip. But she had nothing to say about it, Owen hadn't made any confidence to her and she perfectly understood why. Meredith was involved too and Hunt would never reveal Cristina stuff she couldn't voice freely.

"So Bailey is leading the Fronde …" she stated quietly, locking eyes with Alex.

"I just want this crappy situation to end… that's all I want" his eyes moved across the room and Cristina felt the urge to share a good news with him, at least one.

"Meredith and Derek finally made up… if this can make you feel a little bit better" she staffed cheese in her mouth and frowned, sensing the news didn't sound quite unexpected to Alex.

"I know… I met them yesterday evening after Zola's surgery…" he squirmed under Cristina's almond shaped eyes "I know…" he shut up and Yang didn't feel to prod him again. Something else had caught her attention, better, someone else. This was really going to pull Alex out of his misery and, at the same time. to explain a lot of things.

"Can I eat with you?"

Meredith's sweet voice echoed behind Alex's head and he turned around, shocked and surprised. By the time he had realized what had happened and mentally formulated an answer, Meredith was already sitting by his side. Her tray was embarrassingly loaded of food. A sandwich, a salad, fruits, a cheesecake. Cristina eyed the content grinning and couldn't avoid to utter a sharp remark.

"Is the whole department eating with us, Mer? You tray could feed a dozen people"

Her person looked up, indignant, searching comfort in Alex. Karev was too mesmerized to say anything though. He just giggled of Yang's comment and kept his mouth shut. Meredith defended herself.

"That's just my lunch, you bitch" she stabbed a carrot violently "I don't know why I insist to have my lunches with you"

"Well…" smiled Cristina, a devilish smile painting on her face "I guess there are many reasons actually"

"Oh really… Like what?" triggered her Meredith.

"First of all there are not so many people who would queue to be seen with you right now"

Cristina's remark stung on Meredith's face and also Alex looked up in protest. It was probably true but only Cristina would shove it on Grey's face. That was the bad and the good about Cristina Yang. She always said the truth. In way and moments you'd want her to lie. But she never did. She was pragmatic and brutal and she never felt sorry about it. She arched her brows reading astonishment on her friends faces, but, as nobody dared to speak loud, she went on.

"Secondly you were looking for an excuse to approach our little deep throat here so… many reasons"

Cristina looked down to her plate gloating and Meredith exchanged a short look with Alex, both embarrassed. She finally cleared her throat, toying with some salad.

"Fine… I wanted to talk to Alex"

Meredith didn't raise her eyes, Alex and Cristina did and she didn't lose the chance to feel smug. Grey went on before her person could add anything sneaky.

"I just wanted to thank you again for last night…"

"Last night?" cut in Cristina, her brows arching quizzically and maliciously. Alex rolled his eyes and ignored her.

"It was nothing, Meredith"

"No…" she stated firmly, her green eyes locking with his "it was important… you can't even know how much. And I was acting like a bitch to you so… you weren't even supposed to tell me… Thank you"

Karev nodded and silence fell on the table again. Cristina looked to them both smirking and then cleared her throat.

"You know, Mer… It's not I'm not happy you sound ready to forgive him as I am but… I have the strong feeling Alex perfectly knew information on Zola could earn him some point and grace…"

Meredith nearly dropped her fork on the table and Alex rolled his eyes.

"Am I right, Karev?" Cristina asked sweetly, enjoying torturing the male resident some more. She knew Alex had really suffered for his break up with Meredith, but the fight had also provided her the chance to mock him mercilessly, to drag him through jokes and mockeries. She was going to miss that all and having a little more of fun didn't sound that bad.

"Cristina…" Meredith scolded her, trying to break the awkward moment.

"No, it's fine, Meredith" spoke Alex quietly "She thinks she can keep me from the balls but that moment is over. I let her abuse me for too long. She's right… I knew Zola was important for you but I didn't try to flatter you or Shepherd… I know what I did was quite unforgivable"

"Bullshit" Meredith stopped him firmly, causing Alex to look at her both for the choice of words and the imperative timbre of her voice "I made a huge mistake and it was far more simple to lash out on you. Anything happened was your fault, Alex. Actually… I had to listen to you much earlier"

"Really?" he asked out of breath, a big weight falling off his shoulders.

"Really" smiled Meredith. "I understood my mistakes. Lying to Derek was a great mistake, betraying his trust and the hospital was too… I was too much into things to understand it and… even if I don't deny everything… I know I didn't act so fair. And it was not your fault"

"Ok…" swallowed Alex, relief washing over him "I'm very sorry for the way it happened. I was drunk, Meredith. I didn't mean to sell you out like that. It happened and…" he shrugged, trying to find the right words "I'm not proud of what I did"

"Don't worry" smiled Meredith "I perfectly know what a fuzz mind can produce. I used to be drunk a lot if you remember"

"Oh yes…" cut in Cristina "those were definitely fond memories… I miss that period, Mer. You were much more fun"

They all ate for a moment in silence and, for the first time in days, it was not embarrassing and awkward. It was just perfect, like the way it used to be before.

Cristina searched Owen's frame in the cafeteria and sighed realizing he was gone. Her eyes focused back on the table, a grin painting on her face realizing Meredith's chin was covered in a green and thick sauce. She arched her brow and then burst out laughing, Alex joining her almost immediately.

"What?" asked Meredith innocently, her mouth half full of cheese and bread.

"Your face is covered in yellow crap, Meredith" said Alex amused.

"And I think she likes it…" said Cristina while her friend tried to wipe away the mayonnaise with a towel "it's part of the live in the crap training… she's gonna get that a lot in the next months"

Meredith rolled her eyes, biting her sandwich again, the laughers fainted and her brain was crossed by a sudden thought.

"Where are you living?" she fired to Alex, curious and worried at the same time. She knew for experience residency wasn't known for money wealth; being Ellis Grey's daughter had been a human hell but, at least, Meredith had a house and she hadn't a 5 zeros debt to pay back for her studies, unlike many of her friends, Alex included. Kicking him out had probably caused him also financial problems and it was something she meant to fix.

"I found an apartment…" he said courtly, avoiding to give any other detail or description.

"A flophouse" Cristina cleared on his behalf.

"It's not a flophouse" spat Alex annoyed. "It's small but comfortable. And I spend a few hours home so… it's everything I need"

"Do your porny friends like it?" asked Cristina sweetly, malice creeping in her words.

"I don't have porny friends" answered Alex mimicking her tone "I didn't bring anyone there"

"Well… that's because either is a flophouse or you have the hots for the Africa girl" pointed out Cristina.

"Karen and I are just friends. And since when are you so concerned about my life?"

"Since when I was the last one caring about you… Now Meredith forgave you I can stop it… thank God"

"Thank God… really"

Meredith giggled for their exchange, she really could picture Cristina poor attempts to be there for Alex, trying to be friendly and spank him whenever possible.

"Anyway…" she added, turning serious "you can move back in, Alex"

"Oh…" he frowned, surprised.

"I would be happy if you did and… Derek suggested it too so… your room is ready"

Alex cleaned his mouth, his eyes down.

"Thank you, Meredith. I'll think about it, ok?"

Grey was a little bit disappointed, Cristina could tell. She tried to push the topic further, making humour .

"Shepherd discovered he can't live without you, Karev"

Alex giggled, taking a sip of his coke. Before he could answer, Cristina's pager went off and she read the display, jumping on her feet.

"Altman's calling. I'll see you later guys"

She took the tray from the table and stormed away, leaving Meredith and Alex alone.

Embarrassment fell down like a blanket again and Meredith tried to break it.

"I really meant it, Alex. The apology and the invitation to have you back. I know I suck at doing this but… I'm true… and Derek is too"

Alex smiled and then giggled again, raising Meredith's puzzlement.

"No offense, Mer. I believe you, I really do. It's just difficult to imagine Derek is missing me too"

Meredith looked at him and then giggled herself, Alex soon joining her.

"Ok… maybe that was a little bit exaggerated but… he wants you back. The house feels empty without you all and… Derek has never been mad at you"

"I know… we kind of talked and… I thought he was going to punch me but… he didn't so… we sorted things out a lot of time ago"

"And I hope we'll do the same…"

"Me too…" the smiled briefly to each other and then Meredith cleared her throat.

"Did Karen tell you about the adoption?"

"Not recently… she told me she hoped you would consider it weeks ago but… then things happened and she didn't mention it anymore. But there were rumors in the corridors lately…"

"Well I guess the rumors are over now. Derek and I had the first meeting with the social worker this morning"

"How did it go?"

"What do you think?" Meredith shrugged "Derek is the perfect guy with the perfect family and I don't even know how many step sisters I have. Not so much of a first encounter…"

"The fact you didn't have the perfect family means nothing, Mer. On the contrary… it makes you even better wanting to adopt a baby. Karen feels good about you…"

"And how do you feel about her?" asked Meredith nonchalantly, a small smile curling her lips.

"We're friends"

"Uhm uhm… two friends who really like each other… She talked to me about you yesterday…"

"About what?" grimaced Alex blushing.

"About the fact you're a nice guy. And she looks good too"

"So I should ask her out?"

Meredith shrugged and Alex breathed in.

"Are you promoting me, Meredith?" asked Alex smirking.

"Only if you need it… Do you need it?"

"Hell, I hope not"

"It's what Derek thinks too…"

"The man is smart… Does he really miss me?"

"It feels strange to arrive home and find it empty. And I think he's kind of ready with the house in the woods so… my mother's house is yours too… you're welcome there, Alex"

"Well… if things stand like that… I'll move my stuff back in a couple of days"

"Good"

"I'm gonna check on my patients now. See you around, Meredith"

"Bye, Alex"

* * *

The attending lounge was empty at that hour of the day.

His colleagues were probably having lunch in the cafeteria, some were stuck in the Ors, and Derek had relied on that solitude when he had decided to pick up his salad and consume it there. Everything was silent and dark, the couch was soft and comfortable under his weight. The leather looked to lull and cuddle him in its warm embrace. It was relaxing and definitely what he needed after the tough morning he had experienced.

Shepherd was sure the fight with Bailey and the others would haunt him for the rest of the day but he had been wrong. Till then… he had been. The meeting with the social worker and the concerns on Zola's future had quickly overcome his job issues. And the consult he had been paged for had erased everything else. A woman had dragged his 13 years old son to Seattle to present Derek his case, a rare and mortal spinal tumor Shepherd had only studied on books up to now.

Better, he had seen it once or twice but never so advanced, never so aggressive.

Never in a young patient.

Harris Dawson had a few months to live. With or without surgery. The cancer had attached the supply system and the boy was paralyzed.

His mother had read about Shepherd on the medical reviews, she had read about the magical surgery on Isaac, she had read about Harper Avery. Derek wondered if she had also read his last press.

Probably yes… but despair was the most powerful deterrent and this woman was on the cliff.

This was what diseases made to people, to their families. They broke common sense, they raised limits, they turned housewives into specialized surgery journals addicted.

Mrs. Dawson was a young widow, a waitress who spent her free time reading stuff she probably didn't understand. But she had understood what was enough to drive to Seattle: there was just one surgeon crazy enough to try something on her son, whose reputation was strong enough to survive a failure.

To her misfortune this curriculum was true till last month. Now Derek wasn't so sure he could go away with killing that kid. The FDA and the national Boards were watching him like hawks. One wrong move, his license could really be revoked.

He took a deep breath and brought the fork to his lips. It was useless to jump to conclusions now. He had ordered a complete set of scans and exams for Harris. He would face the problem with all elements at disposal.

He had set a boundary for trying or not the procedure and only a complete draw of the case could give him all answers. Derek would let his instinct guide him. It was what he had always done, what he always did and, not to be arrogant, but his instinct rarely failed.

He had to close out the recent fears, pressures and focus on medicine and surgery. He was still a in the vanguard and, despite the halo lingering on his name for the trial thing, his colleagues still appreciated him and many hospitals would be ready to welcome him.

It was unbelievable how the medical world could split in two: a half was blaming him, his behavior, his way to manage trials and protocols. Another half considered him a modern hero, a professional whose reputation could not be affected by an only mistake.

Derek had been surprised to receive Avery's grandfather's phone call.

At first he had believed it was just a diversion. The Foundation needed to defense his last winner, the ceremony was still vivid in everyone's memory and dump Shepherd could bring shadows on the award. The Derek had understood the support had been sincere. Peter had called from New York too and joked about the chance the prodigal son could go back home now Seattle had ditched him. Shepherd had laughed but, truth to be said, the thought had crossed his mind and was still floating there.

He needed to have a serious speech with Hunt.

Owen was the Chief now and, even if Derek and him were friends, the hospital interest came first.

If Meredith's and Derek's presence weren't well accepted, Shepherd wouldn't have problems in moving away. It would be sad, it would be painful, it would be heart breaking, but he was ready to do it.

A part of him knew… hoped it wouldn't be necessary.

Honestly all the last events had made him dizzy too. And he had been one of the actors, he knew everything. Trying to imagine himself in others' shoes, probably he wouldn't do any differently.

This was the place where reason had stopped guts.

Hearing those words from Bailey had been a hard knock; his pride wanted to argue, to fight back. But then his brain had taken the lead and recognized they had perhaps been too optimist or arrogant believing a simple lie could cover everything.

There was need of something more, something that, at this moment, wasn't in his power or control.

And Derek could only wait and see what others would decide.

It wasn't easy, it wasn't simple. Not when Meredith was going to deliver their baby, not when they had decided to try to adopt another baby, not when he was about to do something which scared and thrilled him at the same time: show his wife their brand new house. That was the place where Derek was going to take Meredith in the evening, after their shift. Works were done, the constructor had moved away almost everything. He had handled Derek the key and a pat on the shoulder wishing him good luck.

Mrs. Shepherd's reaction was something everybody wanted to know.

Mr. Shepherd wanted to know.

But excitement melted with worry.

He wanted Meredith to like the house but he was scared she wouldn't. He wanted her to make comments but he was afraid he couldn't take them. He loved the result of their effort, he loved everything of the mansion he had built. He couldn't look forward moving up there and start a new phase of their life, their real family life.

Himself, Meredith, their kids.

He just hoped she would like it too and that things, at work, would adjust.

Selling the house would equal to sell an organ and Derek wasn't really ready for it.

* * *

Meredith sighed entering the department.

Picking up a word here and a sentence there she had reconstructed the lines of the fight Derek wouldn't tell her about.

Saying Bailey was on war path was an understatement.

She was riding a panzer and all the others had asked her head as well.

And Meredith was worried she could be pissed for the little joke they had cracked her in the morning.

She almost laughed thinking back at it.

Damn… if she had to sink, at least Cristina's horrified expression would be a fond memory.

Meredith rounded the corner and saw the object of her mental rambling right there, in front of the nurses station. The Nazi looked busy, she was scribbling on a chart; the morning had been slow for everyone, Grey included. She had been relegated to the pit in these last days before her leave and, Karma hated her, Bailey was the attending covering the wing.

Meredith was supposed to deliver her the scheduled report, a boring nothing made of cuts, scratches and a flu. She took a deep breath and approached Miranda, leaning her folder on the desk.

"Dr. Bailey…"

"Grey…"

She didn't raise her eyes and Meredith cleared her throat. She wasn't going to let the Nazi intimidate her. For her knowledge there was nothing, no problems, no complain, anything. If Bailey wanted to face her, she needed to take out the topic.

"I just wanted to brief you about the activity in the pit"

"Was there any?" asked Miranda ironically.

"Actually none… just some routine case"

Meredith watched Bailey adjust her pen in the labcoat pocket and shift her gaze to meet hers. The attending narrowed her pupils, waiting for more and Meredith squirmed, against her own will.

"Right… a couple of kids with scratches… some suture… that's all"

Miranda opened the folder anyway and checked personally Meredith's notes.

"A calm day…"

"Totally"

"And why do you look so tired, Grey?"

Meredith flinched, brushing her cheek with her palm quickly to rub sweat again.

Bailey was right, she looked like crap. She had made a stop at the toilet before reaching the floor, she had refreshed a bit but the result had been poor. Spending the night in the OC room hadn't been a great idea. Despite the hours of sleep she had enjoyed, she felt tired, she was tired. Her back ached, her legs ached. It was like waking up after a night of rough sex… without the benefits of the dirty sex though. She tried to straighten up a bit, the small of her back pulsing with effort, to look normal. Last thing she wanted and needed was Bailey patronizing her.

"I'm not tired, just heavy. I feel like I don't walk anymore, just roll here and there"

"I remember the feeling…" said Bailey and Meredith felt almost relieved sensing understanding and sympathy in her voice. But the sensation died before blossoming completely "but I also remember having a good night sleep is the first rule to survive hard days of work. And you didn't look so exhausted when you schemed that stupid scene this morning. Unlike you, Grey, I give great value to my naps" Miranda hissed, giving her a strict look, her brown eyes hitching hers.

"It was just a joke, dr. Bailey" stammered Meredith, shrugging in her shoulders.

"Oh… I guess for you and your friend it was. But, just to be clear, I'm not your buddy here, Grey. I'm still your boss. And I expect you to respect that"

Meredith took a deep inhale of air not to snap back. Bailey was making her a scene in the hallway and she didn't deserve it, she felt she didn't. But retorting was the last thing in her mind now, she needed to bite her tongue and shut up. Let her face the topic if she's bothered. Let her steam off.

"I do respect that, dr. Bailey. I'm sorry if I offended you. It was just a stupid joke and I didn't mean it any different"

Bailey opened her mouth to answer but their pagers went off simultaneously.

911 in the pit. Meredith thanked her good star and locked eyes with her.

The general surgeon just sighed and headed to the ER without even asking her to follow; Meredith was still in charge though and marched behind her.

They bumped the doors open and approached the visit room, wearing yellow coats and gloves.

Webber was already in with the paramedics and send them both a quick look.

"Male, 58, suspected rupture of the spleen" he informed them quickly, feeling the man's abdomen.

"What?" the patient muttered, lying on the stretcher, his eyes barely open.

"What's your name, sir?" Meredith enquired, scribbling his personal data on the chart.

"Adam Jings"

"Were you in a car crash?" Bailey asked him joining them at the side of the gurney.

"Hell… no… a cart crash" Adam added closing his eyes, a wave of nausea suddenly hitting him. Meredith looked at him stunned and then locked eyes with the Chief. She thought she had misheard, but apparently not, since Webber and Bailey wore the same incredulous expression.

"Has he just said…" she asked, looking quickly from the patient to her bosses.

"Apparently yes, Grey" cut her off Bailey, getting closer to the man's head. Her voice calmed and gentled when she talked to him. "What happened?"

"I was at the supermarket with my wife… A kid ran into me with a cart… I was fine at first… then I started to feel dizzy going home and passed out…" he coughed and Meredith's eyes narrowed seeing blood seeping out of his lips. She took a towel and wiped his mouth.

"We need to run a CT, stat…" she said firmly catching Bailey's and Webber's attention. They noticed what she meant and both nodded.

"Go and check the CT is available and ready, Grey" Bailey commended without even looking at her and Meredith obliged, pulling off her gloves and coat and running out of the room. Richard looked at her retrieving form and then to Bailey, clearing his throat.

"Everything fine, Bailey?"

"Absolutely, dr. Webber"

She was adjusting the gurney to move the patient and Richard didn't comment the tone she used to utter the word doctor. It had almost sounded like an insult.

He chose to ignore her mood and nodded briefly to the nurse, who started to push the gurney out of the room.

As soon as they were in the corridor a woman rushed to their side, gasping seeing the pale man lying on the stretcher.

"Oh my God… Adam" her hands found his and she squeezed it, tears forming in her eyes "what's wrong with him?" she asked the doctors pleadingly. Bailey touched her shoulder gently.

"Are you his wife?"

"Yes…" answered the woman, her lower lip trembling.

"Let's find a quiet place… I'll brief you, ok?" said Bailey calmly, pulling the woman towards the waiting room. Webber nodded to her.

"I'll see you at the CT, Bailey"

He walked away with the nurse and the patient and Miranda led miss Jings to a recess, inviting her to sit.

"Mrs. Jings… your husband probably suffered a ruptured spleen… we're taking him down to the CT for confirm now"

"Oh my God…" the woman sucked in a sharp breath, her hand covering her mouth "how is it possible? I mean… we were just making grocery and…" her voice trembled and Bailey touched her leg.

"It was unusual but… a hard hit can cause this kind of injury. We just need to run the CT and check the situation. It's probable he'll need surgery and we'll try to save the whole organ. I know it sounds scary but… it's a routine procedure"

"Even doing errands is routine stuff and look how it ended…" she sighed, her eyes hollow. Miranda smiled to her to give her strength.

"Just wait here, mrs. Jings. I'll let you know something as soon as possible, ok?"

"Ok…"

Bailey patted her thigh and stood, giving her a last smile.

"Dr. Bailey…" the woman added with a pleading voice.

"Yes?"

"Please, take good care of him"

"We will…"

* * *

Meredith checked the CT for the last time. Everything was ready. Except the patient wasn't here yet and the other residents she had skipped waving an urgent case were starting to get nervous in the corridor. She looked to her clock sighing and then moved out, her eyes darting down the hallway, beyond doctors and gurneys and wheel chaired people waiting impatiently against the wall. She breathed out in relief when she spotted Webber pushing mr. Jings towards her. Double relief Bailey was not with them. Which was good as, her temper plus her crazy hormones, she really couldn't hold on much longer before snapping at her boss.

She made some step towards him and helped maneuvering the stretcher inside.

"Everything is ready, sir" she informed Richard.

"Good" he answered politely "Dr. Bailey is informing Mr. Jings' wife, she should be here soon"

Meredith nodded, her eyes resting on the patient, whose eyes were closed.

"You can go and wait in the control room. I'll move him in the CT"

"No way" said Richard quietly, smiling to Meredith when she raised her eyes at him "you're not supposed to make those kind of efforts, dr. Grey" he eyes her belly meaningfully "besides… I don't want to be the one to inform Derek your waters broke lifting a man twice your size"

"I'm perfectly fine, sir" she insisted stubbornly, raising Richard's amusement "well… maybe not so agile but I can do my job"

"I know you do… but humor me on this… Get in the control room and wait there"

Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes, making crystal clear she was obeying a sort of order and not accepting to be a half invalid. She marched into the control room and sank on a chair, her back silently thanking her. She saw Bailey approaching and pressed the interphone button "I'm ready here, sir. Seated and comfortable"

She saw Webber chuckling in the room and Miranda just eyed her strangely.

Their attention focused back on the case when the CT showed the first images.

"Happy and safe errands to everyone" muttered Meredith, her brain traducing what her eyes were seeing. Unbelievably Mr. Jings' spleen was ruptured, kind of busted to tell the truth, and the bleeding was already huge in his abdomen.

"So?" Webber's voice reached from through the microphone.

"Straight in, sir" answered Meredith, realizing Bailey was not so willing to talk. They both stood and reached Richard, who was proceeding to move the stretcher out of the machine.

"I'm gonna call and book an OR" Meredith offered.

"Don't waste time, dr. Grey" said Bailey "I've already done it on my way"

Webber chuckled gripping the railing of the stretcher "Always a step forward, Miranda"

"Just doing my job, sir" she answered drily, dropping the humor and flatter Richard had tried to raise.

He cleared his throat and patted the patient's shoulder.

"We're going to take you to the OR, Adam. Right now"

"How bad is it?" asked the man hoarsely. His face had turned paler and paler in the last minutes.

"We'll try to perform a partial splenectomy. This means dr. Bailey and Grey will try to save part of the organ. I leave you in the best possible hands" he smiled reassuringly.

"Dr. Webber?" Bailey inquired him, her brows arched quizzically. Richard got what she meant and cleared his throat.

"I pass you this, Bailey. I'm supposed to meet Adele in an hour and you and Grey will perfectly be fine with this procedure"

"Dr. Grey is assigned to the pit, sir" argued Miranda stubbornly, the idea of spending a three hours procedure with Meredith Grey not appealing her at all.

"And that's where the patient comes from. Plus… if I remember good… pregnant women are not interdicted in the OR as you surely remember yourself…"

Miranda's eyes narrowed like if Richard had slapped her and Meredith feared her reaction. She looked to the general surgeon worried but, surprisingly, Bailey cashed Richard's suggestion without retorting.

"Fine" she gritted, disappointment evident in her tone "can you just inform his wife in the while, please?"

"Of course. I'll see you in post op, Adam"

Richard patted the patient's shoulder again and walked away, leaving the two female doctors by themselves. Meredith moved towards the head of the gurney and started to push it cautiously, her eyes searching Bailey's face for a short moment. She was sure the calm was just temporary and fake. Her boss was not going to drop the silent fight like this.

* * *

Derek was sitting in the OR gallery reading Harris' medical story.

The mother had traveled through the country with three folders full of exams, labs, scans, bad diagnoses, superficialities. It had taken seven months for a doctor to read the real meaning of those mad stats, of the decreasing white blood cells, of the leucocytes picks. Some lousy surgeon had defined the boy's discomfort as growth problems, but the answer had been right there from the very beginning, hidden under a very thin surface. Mrs. Dawson had almost justified the negligence of the first hospitals which had taken care of his son. She had said they had misjudged the situation, probably thinking she was overdoing symptoms, still shaken by her husband's sudden loss. But she hadn't. Like every mum, she was feeling her child was sick and was doing everything to earn him a cure. Unfortunately the answer had been awful, cruel, breath taking. Spinal tumor.

Only a miracle could save this boy and Derek wasn't even sure he had the right to try it.

Harris could have a few months ahead and, maybe, both him and his mother needed them. It was the same deadlock he had experienced during his trial with Meredith, where people gave up their remaining time to try their luck with him and his virus. Thirteen people had thrown the bad dice, they had never woken up from the anesthesia and their families had left Seattle Grace with a coffin and the regret not to have waited for the disease to make its progress. Only Beth had survived and she was doing great. She sent Meredith and him postcards and greetings every Christmas, every journey she made across the country and the world and Derek felt good about it. She held a very special spot in his heart. Her successful surgery had signed the beginning of his new life with Meredith, their reunion, the moment even his current wife had understood how much he really and truly loved her.

A milestone in his life, both professional and personal.

Unfortunately the second trial had marked opposite results.

Shepherd was in the storm center and, shame to admit it, he didn't feel so free to take decisions on Harris' case like he would have a couple of months before. His self-consideration had been undermined, his certainties had too and he meant to take all the time to ponder if taking the case or not.

He dropped the medical file on the free chair next to him rubbing his eyes. Meredith was down in the OR performing a surgery, something routinely, but he had taken the chance to spy her.

First of all he kept avoiding the attending lounge, a place he didn't feel so welcome lately. He knew it was a stupid sensation, almost childish. His coworkers didn't hold him grudge, on the contrary, but his stomach churned anyway and he preferred to keep the distance. More than that, this was probably one of the last chances to see Meredith operating before her leave. He had been surprised when she had tested him she was going to perform a splenectomy, with Bailey on top of everything, and Derek had taken the chance to admire her in her habitat. And there she was, gloriously pregnant.

A proud smile curled his lips when Derek realized nobody would notice her state from behind. Her legs were still lean and gorgeous, her waist thin. But when she turned around… the world became round and perfect and she was beautiful. She was standing across Miranda now, her hand holding the retractor and Derek had to take a deep breathe, worry overwhelming all his senses. She was overdoing, he felt that, he knew that, but trying to convince her meant to engage in a fight. She kept insisting she was pregnant and not sick and he knew it was true, but part of him wanted her home, on the couch, eating pop corns and resting and not stressing her body out in the OR.

He heard someone stepping into the gallery and looked up, tuning Altman, Hunt and Yang on the doorframe. He acknowledged their presence nodding and focused back on the OR.

He had scattered folders, notes all over the chairs next to him to keep them unoccupied. He wanted loneliness and, not to be harsh or disrespectful, but Bailey's and Meredith's procedure served that aim too. It wasn't meant to lure the general medical interest and Derek was almost surprised the Chief, a fellow attending and Yang were following it. His eyes cast down on the file Janet had delivered them in the morning and he picked it up, tracing his fingertips on it. He had taken the chance to take a look inside and glance to the questions. They were many and various. From their background to their tastes, from their families to their hopes, from their fears to their dreams, passing along stressing and shocking experiences they had lived.

Derek had never felt unprepared towards this kind of stuff before. He simply lied, hid what he considered inconvenient. His father, Amelia… After dr. Wyatt's sessions and the rehab he had been forced into, he felt unable to do it. The conversation he had entertained with Meredith the previous day proved it all over again. He wasn't able to cash feelings anymore, he just needed to push them out, like Gary Clark had sliced his soul and made it less spacious. A single thought was haunting him, had been haunting him from the previous day. The fight was solved, he had explained Meredith all his concerns and she had understood, solving the doubts still living in his heart. But he felt like what had happened in that damned elevator needed a closure, something which had never happened as he had adamantly avoided to tell her everything, as he had prevented her from participating to the trial. A part of him knew that Meredith wanted to know, needed to know. The other was scared to let her in and now… now he was probably going to be forced to mention the attack to Janet, the dilemma had awakened in his heart all over again.

He was broken in two and he felt alone in this choice. Which was not just about him. It was also about his desire not to freak her out now the baby was coming, the adoption process was beginning. It was the well known desire to protect her, at the expense of his own needs. Meredith didn't look like the woman who would ask him to stop if things became too hard on her, she was not the woman who would lean on him if she got he was still suffering for the aftermath of what had happened.

The person she would lean on was right behind him.

Cristina Yang.

The words escaped his mouth before he could stop them.

"Do you think Meredith is happy?"

Teddy and Owen were sitting and chatting in the last row and Derek hoped they hadn't heard his voice. For a brief moment he thought Cristina hadn't either. She kept her full composure, an unreadable expression on her face.

"She looks like she is… and Bailey hasn't killed her yet so… good day for dr. Grey"

"I didn't mean that… this" he gestured to the OR, taking a deep breath. "I mean in general… do you think she's happy?"

"The reconciliation helped, for sure. I'm happy you finally started to reason with your big head" she added sharply, causing Derek to smile despite himself.

"Is she ok with the baby coming?"

Cristina eyed him strangely, her eyes never leaving the OR.

"What is it… questioning day?" she asked keeping her voice light. Derek sighed, breathing out.

"It's just we didn't talk much lately and… she'd never talk of this stuff with me"

"Do I look like the rugrats counselor to you?"

"No… but it's Meredith and you care about her, even if it's about the rugrats. So… how is she?"

"Freaking out about the delivery and the fear to lose her vagina. Not to mention the dread to poop on the table"

"The dread of what?" Derek asked turning around, astonishment written all over his face. Cristina dismissed his surprise waving her hand.

"Forget it…it happens all the time and that's the reason why I won't waste the idea I have of Meredith being with her in the delivery room"

Shepherd looked at her stunned and she shrugged.

"I have the feeling it's you she wants there"

"So you get the honors and fun and I get the troubles? I don't think so…"

"Cristina…"

"Let her decide what to do. Meredith does know it"

Her brown eyes met his and they were much more soft and warm this time. She spotted all the documents scattered around and pointed them.

"Are you studying, Shepherd?"

"No" he rubbed his cheeks tiredly, glancing at Meredith downstairs. The procedure was strangely silent "I have a tough case and I'm trying to figure out if I can do something"

"Did you meet mrs. Dawson, Derek?" Owen's voice cut into the conversation and Shepherd nodded, wondering how much of his talk with Cristina he had overheard.

"Yes. I prescribed new scans, MRI, everything… They should be down filming right now"

"It's a big one…" Owen added quietly and Derek couldn't detect his sensations. His tone had be careful, cautious, not judging. He decided to follow him on neutrality for now.

"It could be. If you don't mind I want to see all the papers before making up my mind. I'll keep you posted and talk to you before making any decision, ok?"

"Ok…"

Silence fell in the gallery, broken by a rustle and the noise of flipping pages. Derek's eyes narrowed seeing Cristina going through the adoption papers.

"Cristina…" Owen's voice sounded incredulous, Derek saw him shaking his head, almost ashamed of his girlfriend's roughness.

"What?" she asked innocently, meeting Hunt's eyes. She looked to him and then back to Derek, dropping the folder on the chair. "Sorry. I didn't think those documents were covered by national secret"

"They are personal documents" Owen scolded her but Derek dropped the argument.

"It's fine, Owen. It's not a problem" Shepherd readjusted on his chair, feeling a little bit more uncomfortable than before. "It's a standard protocol and there is nothing inside"

"So why are you so touchy about it, Shepherd?" Cristina inquired, her words rough but her voice gentle. Derek shifted on the chair, he didn't like to have this conversation there, not with Altman present. He was ok with Cristina, he was more than ok with Owen, but Teddy, despite saving his life, was not very close.

Yang stared at him carefully and Derek almost felt her gaze entering his skull and getting to his brain.

"Meredith can deal with it, Derek… she can" she said quietly "she accepted the idea to adopt Zola and she's enthusiastic about it. She knows there are going to be questions and interviews and she could freak out but… she's ready. Are you?" the question sounded almost pitiless and Owen looked to Cristina thunderstruck. He had lost the thread of the discussion apparently. Before he could say anything, someone cleared his throat from the doorway and they all turned around, tuning Richard and Adele right there.

Cristina, Owen and Teddy greeted them politely but curtly. Derek stood, a wide smile stretching his lips taking in Webber's wife. It was days he didn't see her, the last time the day he had dismissed her. She looked fine, elegant like she always was.

"Adele…" he said happily, approaching her and kissing her cheek gently. She smiled, almost blushing for his attention, and giggled.

"Derek… dear… how are you?"

"I'm good, thank you. And you look awesome as ever" he added flirty and Cristina rolled her eyes.

Richard was following the interaction smiling, his hand protectively set on his wife's back.

"She wanted to see you. We've been looking for you everywhere" he explained softly, stroking her shoulders.

"But Derek is a difficult man to track down. Aren't you, sweetheart?" she asked battling her eyelashes, her typical inquisitor behavior. Derek smiled, sincerely amused by the way Adele always scolded him.

"I've just come here to read some paper quietly. And to enjoy the view"

Adele frowned but Richard smiled, realizing Meredith and Bailey were the surgeons downstairs. He decided to quickly check the procedure. The patient was also his finally and he could go to give an update to the wife on his back to the department. He approached the wall and pressed the interphone button, the noises of the OR suddenly filling the gallery.

"How is it going?" he asked in the microphone.

"Pretty good" answered Bailey quietly "I've removed part of the spleen but the rest should hold on"

"Good… any idea of how much it will take?"

"An hour at least. Are you in a hurry, Webber?"

Richard roller his eyes, he wasn't used to be treated like a pair from his surgeons.

"Of course not, Bailey. Just checking. Do you want me to talk to mrs. Jings?"

"If you have time, sir…"

Derek tilted his head to the side looking at Richard. Webber just shrugged and sat on a chair, leaving the viva voice on.

"Are you really ok, Derek? You look tired…" Adele said, her voice laced with motherly concern. She stroked his arm and looked to him.

"I'm good, Adele. Thank you. I've just spent the night here and probably I need extra sleep"

"The conceited life of surgeons… I know the drill… And how is your wife?"

Derek's face lit up at the mention of Meredith and his gaze moved out of instinct to her.

"She's fine… tired, but fine. Take a look yourself" he smiled widely, circling Adele's waist with his arm, moving her gaze downstairs. Meredith was walking in the OR, Bailey had asked her to join the other side of the table and there she was, moving flawlessly through the room, her belly prominent under her gown.

"Isn't she perfect?" Derek stated more than asking, his voice mesmerized and his eyes sparkling in excitement. Adele looked to him strangely but Derek didn't notice, too lost scanning Meredith's figure.

"Could you clamp that, dr. Grey?" Bailey's voice reached them through the interphone, metallic and distorted by the mask covering her mouth.

Adele's eyes closed in thin slits, her pupils fixed on the doctors in the OR. Richard realized something snapped in her. She backed away from Derek, her arm leaving his waist, and she looked at him in disbelief.

"What are you doing, Derek?" she asked, reproach and disappointment written all over her face.

Derek looked down to her, sucked away roughly by his daydreaming. He frowned, taking in her changed expression. She looked pissed, mad, deceived. Lost and far.

"Adele…" he said quietly, trying to get where her concerns came from. He stretched his hand to touch her but she avoided him, hurt painted across her face.

"Don't you dare to touch me" she hissed, looking him up and down as if it was the first time she saw him. Richard stood, touching her shoulders and trying to root her.

"Honey…"

"Leave me alone!" she snapped at him too, catching also Bailey and Meredith's attention downstairs. Cristina and Owen exchanged a worried look, not knowing what the hell was going on.

"How do you dare?" she addressed Derek and then Richard indignant "drag me here and make me look at her like nothing ever happened…" she said in disbelief, her eyes searching Meredith's form downstairs.

"Adele…" tried to reason Derek, his voice gentle and a little bit shaking. Now he knew how Meredith had felt that day, when Adele had confused her with Ellis and reversed all her hater on her. He was feeling the same way now, lost and distraught. And unable to do anything to take Adele back to present days before she could go on with this scene. He was well aware of Altman's, Hunt's, Yang's incredulous expression. And also of the nurses and doctors in the OR looking up at them, the interphone making all of that conversation public. He swallowed, trying to gain composure back. Adele was sick, she had Alzheimer and Alzheimer patients needed facts and certainties. "Adele… look at me" he stretched his arms and cupped her shoulders, soothing and trying to focus her.

"Oh… I'm looking at you, but those blue eyes of yours won't take you out of trouble this time" she spat angrily, her voice firm and sharp like shattered glass.

"Adele, honey…" Richard cut in, taking her hand and locking eyes with her "it's Derek… we are at Seattle Grace"

She pulled her hand out of his grasp and snorted.

"I perfectly know where I am. And the proper question is not who is he… I think it's rather whose baby is that! Is it yours, Richard? Or is it his?" she asked with contempt "do you even share the same whore now?"

Webber's mouth fell agape and Derek took in a deep breath, his eyes searching Meredith's downstairs. His stomach was churning and he was feeling bad for her, all over again.

Adele read their expressions as a guilt confession and went on, relentless.

"You don't even know, do you? You promised me you were done, Richard, but you lied, again" she scanned angrily before looking at Derek "and you…" she shook her head, shame sparkling in her eyes.

"The baby is mine, Adele" Derek said quietly, his throat closing up, strangled by a mixture of pain and hurt. He saw her eyes narrowing, her nostrils almost flaring. His fingers were still touching her shoulder blades but she felt rigid and tensed under his hands. He took in a deep breath, trying to find the right words to explain the situation, the big bluff. His brain couldn't really process how they had ended up here, rushed back in decades and into another world. It had experienced the same feeling with Ellis when she had aggressed him verbally. He was a doctor, he was an expert, but having harsh women throwing tantrums at him, confusing reality and gone events of their lives was upsetting him, shaking the ground under his feet. Derek had to close his eyes for a moment, pushing away the sight of an enraged Meredith snapping at him in twenty years. He opened his eyes again, his irises focused on Adele, whose expressions hadn't changed a bit. The silence was total, both in the gallery and in the OR. He cleared his throat, his fingertips digging into Adele's shoulders.

"She's my wife, Adele" he said quietly but firmly, shivering feeling Adele tensing a little more. "Meredith…" _is my wife._

The sentence got stuck in his throat when Adele slapped him across the face, suddenly and violently. His skin stung for the impact and he brought his hand on his cheek out of instinct, flinching.

He heard the present gasp and saw Cristina standing in the corner of his eye.

He didn't budge though, too shocked to do anything.

"You disgust me" hissed Adele furious, picking up her purse and storming out of the room. Richard followed her with his eyes, apparently unable to move himself.

He locked eyes with Derek, swallowing and shaking his head.

"Derek…" he muttered quietly, not really knowing what to say.

"Just go with her" answered Derek, his fingers still on his cheek. He sank on a chair, his hand raking his hair wildly, then resting on his forehead. His headache was getting worse and he didn't have the courage to look up and meet his colleagues' faces, to look down and meet Meredith's face. He rubbed his lids tiredly, trying to pull himself together.

"Shepherd…" Owen's voice sounded close and concerned, he brushed his shoulder weightlessly, not to startle him. But Derek didn't want this now, didn't need this now.

"Leave me alone, please" he almost pleaded, his eyes down.

"Shepherd…"

This time it was Teddy and something in Derek clicked. He bolted on his feet, raking his hair again.

"What?" he snapped, anger bubbling in his chest. He saw Teddy recoiling a bit, surprised by his reaction. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She swallowed and tried again. "I…" she stammered, suddenly at loss of words. "I'm sorry…" she finally breathed out. Derek shook his head, trying to cool down. He didn't want to fight with her, it wasn't fair, it would not be fair. Yet he needed it… he couldn't bottle his feelings anymore, the hurt, the deception.

"I don't need your sorrow… I don't need anything… I just need you to decide what you all want. And leave me and my wife the fuck alone in the while" he spat glaring at her furiously. He picked up all his papers and stormed out of the room, almost bumping against Owen.

Cristina's eyes moved down and locked with Meredith's, who was petrified in the OR. Her choice had been wrong but… now… it started to make sense after all. Had Adele Webber played the same stunt on her? Had Derek changed his mind for this? Probably… probably he had. But now it didn't matter anymore. Everything had changed in that gallery, Cristina felt it, she saw it on Teddy's face, she could read it even on Bailey's face. The Nazi was shocked and frozen. She liked Meredith and Derek and, if she had screwed up in the workplace, it was not because of lack of affection. She was simply like that. Take or leave. And now she was probably feeling for the both of them and Webber too.

"Grey…" Miranda's voice sounded awfully weak and hoarse through the microphone "I'm done here. You can go if you want… I guess you're needed elsewhere"

Meredith didn't need a further invitation, she took glasses and light helmet off her head and left the OR top speed.

* * *

_Great writers keep us wrapped around their books as nothing is granted, nothing is given as expected._

_There are dramatic turn of events, surprises, changes._

_Our life… is far more simple to a certain extent._

_If we're lucky we get to know the true love, we get to have success in our job, we get the chance to make dreams. If these dreams come true or not… well… that's a different story._

_But what always strikes me about life… it's the incredible power to drag us back, hundred pages behind the present line. _

_The plot tangles, old mistakes mix with new ones. _

_A cruel flashback you can't control._

_And you can't even protect the people you love and prevent them to be caught under it._

* * *

Don't hate me...

I just needed a partial closure for the trial thing and this allowed me to do it.

I have to think if doing something I had in mind or not...

Anyway... next chapter is almost finished and, I promise, no bad stuff there.

VERY GOOD STUFF!

Wait for your comments... bye!


	53. A ROOM WITH A VIEW

Where are you guys?

I hope on Holiday as, last update, I got three reviews. Pretty frustrating...

Hope to hear your voice soon, especially as some good stuff is waiting for you.

* * *

_Have you ever wished to observe your life from outside?_

_Floating in the space and watch yourself doing stuff, saying things, living?_

_I guess it would be a dreadful experience…_

_When you feel this need, when things start to fall apart, when life messes with you, it's better to stop and close into a room, open a big window on the world and stare._

* * *

"That was…" Cristina mumbled, searching a word in her head which could define what they had just seen.

"Blood curling..." Owen offered, taking a quick look to Teddy, who was walking beside him, lost and in deep thought. Apparently Derek's stern remark had hit her hard.

"I just can't get how that was possible… I mean… she was talking and cooing with Shepherd quietly and then…" she waver her hands, mimicking a bubble of soap taking off and then dissolving in the air.

"She disappeared in front of us. Right there" Owen said quietly, taking in a deep breath "I think I should go and look for the Chief… see how he's doing"

"He probably went home, Owen" suggested Teddy, uttering the first words since they left the gallery "he drove her home…"

"Yeah… you're right" he said, patting her shoulder to comfort her, his lips stretching in a weak smile. Teddy rolled her eyes.

"Don't give me that look, Owen. I'm fine"

"You don't really look like you are…" he pointed out gently.

"I totally deserved that… this morning we buried him in good principles but… God… I had no idea how this could feel…"

"You could not have, Teddy. And Derek knows Meredith did wrong finally. I guess that's the reason why he accepted all this without blinking"

"The public pillory, you mean?"

"Right that… I don't think it was easy for him to accept what she did. It was wrong on so many levels… but he tried to go beyond the medical problem… and seeing what happened before, I have to say I understand why he did it"

"Now I do too… and I feel horribly…"

"It's useless now, Teddy. I think we just have to stop and let things cool off. And you need to consider if you want me to go ahead with what you asked this morning or if I have to let it go"

Owen shook his head lightly to shut Cristina up. She was going to talk and last thing he needed was her questioning him about the morning events.

"For me the topic is done, Owen. And even Bailey… I think what she witnessed shifted her judgment a lot. I'll talk to her anyway"

"Good. Let me know. I talked with the Chief this morning. He wants a closure too. But he doesn't want to be involved in it"

"Understandable" they stopped in front of the attending lounge and Teddy sighed. "All right… I think I'll go home now. Henry is waiting for me" she smiled seeing Owen's curious expression at the mere mention of her boyfriend… husband… whatever.

"How is he?" he asked concerned.

"Fine. Webber's…" Teddy trailed off "well… Bailey's clinical trial was postponed so… we're waiting for her to call us but… at the moment he's fine. Gardening… adjusting stuff at home"

"Keeping oneself busy is a good way to spend the day" Owen chuckled.

"You wouldn't say that if you saw how he reduced my perfect and gorgeous geraniums".

"Not a green thumb?"

"At all…" she smiled, gripping the doorknob "All right… I'm better going now. See you tomorrow, guys"

"Bye, Teddy"

She disappeared behind the door and Owen and Cristina resumed walking down the corridor. He searched her fingers and interlocked them with his, giving her a small smile. After seeing a woman… someone's wife… disappearing right in front of him, it felt good to make body contact with her fiancé and, despite the public place, Cristina didn't comment.

"Are you ok?" he finally asked, squeezing her hand gently.

"Yeah…" she smiled, sensing Owen wasn't really believing her. "I just feel I'm growing soft"

She rolled her eyes and Owen looked to her upside down, his brows furrowing.

"What?"

"I feel for Derek, you know? And I'm not supposed to…"

"Why so?" Owen asked, amused by Cristina's behavior. He found cute how she thought showing sympathy could make her weak.

"As I hated his guts… I used to… whatever…" she waved her free hand and looked to him "It was kind of our trademark… pretending to hate each other"

"You found it funny?" he grimaced.

"Oh yes…" she said grinning "Mc Dreamy was far an easy target for me. I could push his nerves like a consumed director…"

"What a good way to spend the day…" Owen said ironically and Cristina swatted his arm playfully.

"You just said gardening is good. Why not spanking Shepherd?" she asked innocently raising Owen's snort "Ok… fine" she conceited "anyway I don't feel the same satisfaction anymore. After what happened… it lost its appeal"

"Well… I think it's kind of natural, you know?"

"You think?" she arched her brows "I don't know" she said defeated "I guess it's also the knowledge it's kind of abuse Shepherd day… It's not fun anymore when everybody else does it too"

"That's quiet an explanation… " Owen chuckled. Turning serious immediately though "I feel the same too, though, I'm sorry for him"

They made some step and Owen could hear Cristina's heavy intake of air.

"Did Bailey really ask you to fire Meredith?" she asked, calm and detached. Owen sighed himself. Being Chief in a hospital where even walls had ears was proving to be testing for him.

"I don't think that was her purpose, Cristina"

"So she asked you to fire her not to have her fired? That's pretty coherent" she muttered.

"I just think things are complicated but I'll sort it out, ok?"

"Ok, Chief" she smiled to him and Owen felt there was no mockery in that surname.

"So…" he started gently "will you stop your part of Shepherd abuse?"

"I was very kind to him today…" she defended herself, ignoring Owen's look.

"You call that being kind?"

"Why?" she shrugged "I didn't say anything…"

Owen looked away, almost resigned.

"That's right the point, Cristina. He was asking for your help and you dismissed him"

"I didn't"

"You did…" he cut her off, stopping in the mid of the corridor, hands on his hips. Cristina closed her arms across her chest, looking to him defiantly. Owen didn't want to fight, but he felt to explain her something about male psychology. "Do you think it was easy on him to rely on you like that?"

"What?" Cristina's eyes grew wider.

"Shepherd is a man, Cristina. He's proud and honorable and honest. And he knows you better than you think. Do you think it was easy for him to ask you if his wife is fine?"

"I…" Cristina started but stopped, suddenly not knowing what to say.

"Right… he was admitting to be in a difficult place… not knowing how to face Meredith on some topics and you blew it"

Cristina looked down, shame filling her heart. She hadn't been sensitive enough to perceive that and Owen took her hand.

"Derek values your opinion and trusts you, Cristina. I know you probably didn't want to turn him down but… you did. Men don't often ask for help like that"

"You're right. I'm sorry" she looked up, her eyes laced with concern "it's just sometimes he scares me with all this sentimental crap… he talks his heart open and… I don't know what to say. I'm afraid what I might say can hurt him and I don't want to. I'm not a jerk, Owen. I just don't know how to tell him what I think"

He smiled to her, squeezing both her hands. He lifted his palm and caressed her cheek, feeling her relaxing in his touch.

"I know you're not a jerk, Cristina. On the contrary, you're caring and passionate and Derek wouldn't come to you if he didn't think the same. But he also knows you are direct and almost cruel sometimes. I think it's also the reason why he comes to you. Maybe he needs that"

"What? Me… spanking him?" Owen chuckled, shaking his head. Cristina was kidding, the light grim curling her lips proved that.

"You being friend to him. Your legend of mutual hate would survive anyway, Cristina, trust me"

"I do… and ok… I'll talk to him"

"Good… that's my girl"

He brushed her cheek tenderly and then chuckled.

"What?" frowned Cristina.

"Were you serious about your… hesitations to be in the delivery room with Meredith?"

"Hell, yes. She's my person but there are boundaries to friendship, Owen"

"Cristina…" he smiled compliantly and she turned serious.

"I'll be there if she wants me. And if Derek agrees. I'm just playing it light. I don't want to impose myself. Meredith is already freaking out enough about the moment"

"So she is… freaking out?"

"What do you think? We weren't talking about your sex performances a couple of evenings ago. She was whining and complaining about her OBG. Do I look like a person to complain about that?" she asked indignant and Owen smiled, a laughter bubbling up his throat.

"No… at all"

"Right what I said… And I don't want to be in the same room of Meredith, Derek and another man sticking his hands in her pussy till the elbow"

Owen grimaced, the image knotting his stomach. She looked to him pleased to have finally expressed her concerns.

"You think that too, Owen. I was sure about that"

She walked away patting his ass mockingly and he watched her disappearing behind the corner, an amused grin on his face.

* * *

Derek thanked his lucky star. Nobody was in the attending lounge when he sought refuge in it. The place was silent and dark and he stripped from his labcoat and scrubs, the urgent need to feel cold water running down his body.

He pulled off his sneakers and socks and, just in his boxers, stood in front of his locker, opening the door and taking out the little bag containing shampoo, gel shower and a comb. He had left his bathrobe in the bathroom the previous week so walked in, sighing in relief acknowledging even the showers were unoccupied. He turned the water on, sensing the temperature with his opened palm. The flow was freezing and he waited patiently till it warmed a bit. When it reached the desired level, he stepped under the faucet, a rain investing his body. He leant both arms against the wall and lowered his face, relaxing feeling rivers flowing down his hair, his forehead, his nose. Water was dripping down his chin over his chest and down, washing away everything. His brain cleared from every thought, his mind went blank and Derek felt his cells regenerating under his skin. It was a wonderful sensation and he enjoyed it for several moments. He was startled when he heard the door of the lounge opening. Probably somebody was having his same idea and he activated his tired muscles. His hand squashed the bottle of shower gel and a little soap reversed on his palm. Derek splayed it on his thighs, he rummaged his belly and chest, massaged his sides and arms. He almost flinched while massaging his own neck. He was feeling a crick developing from his vertebras and sighed, he was going to be sore in the evening and he didn't need that. He had great plans and he needed all his strength, all his energies. He was going to take Meredith to their new house, he had ordered a catering service a romantic dinner and he wanted it to be perfect. He rinsed his body carefully, feeling a little bit better second by second. He spilled some shampoo on his scalp and started to message it energetically. The action was more to let the headache drift away than for the cleaning purpose. His curly hair was stuck to his forehead when he finished and he passed both hands on his face, to rinse the remaining water away. He turned off the water and took the towel, adjusting it around his hips. With another he dried his legs and torso, feeling his own skin fresh and perfumed. He stopped a moment in front of the mirror, fogged by the steam the hot shower had generated, and adjusted his hair out of his eyes. He reversed his favorite cologne on his hand and tapped his cheeks and neck, the familiar musky scent tickling his nostrils in a pleasant way. He tilted his head to the side, admiring the result and then walked out of the bathroom. His imagination had probably fooled him as nobody was in the room. Nothing really surprisingly. With Hunt being Chief, the number of people using that place was close to zero. Everybody had his or her private office and this common area just served for coffee, gossip and bonding time. And there was not so much bonding lately.

He sat on the bench, dropping wet toiletries on the floor. He had left a dry and clean and lavender smelling towel there waiting for him and passed it on his face, on the column of his neck and then down. His arms felt slick and shivery, his black hairs sticking up. Derek dried his chest carefully, his eyes moving on his scars without hesitation. He had got used to the show, after all this time, he had. The view had bettered a bit lately, the skin and sutures had changed color and they didn't stand at attention as much as before. But Derek felt them, he felt the roughness of his skin in places he was just supposed to meet softness. His coarse and dark hairs had peppered his stomach and belly again, covering the ugly signs surgeries had left on his body, and that had probably marked the moment he had found a sort of acceptance. He had woken up after the procedures, scared and confused and in so much pain to feel dizzy the whole day. When lucidity had lightened up his brain again and strength had assisted him in the most elementary and daily duties, Derek hadn't felt a man anymore. Just a tiny, defenseless newborn. Squab and hairless. Meredith was right all along her line. Men sucked. A lot. With their primordial pride and ego, with their stupid and self-made ideas of manhood and virility which didn't contemplate to be shaved, neither if it was for medical needs. The moment Derek had passed a palm on his torso and found it naked and smooth, he had felt as naked and exposed as ever. He sighed at the memory, passing a hand on his lower chest, feeling thin and curly hairs tickling his arm. It was reassuring and pleasant and he enjoyed the sensation for a moment. He repeated the gesture moments later with a lotion he had been ordered to use after surgeries to mellow his skin. He hated this, he hated to use toiletries like women. Meredith found it funny and the only reason Derek agreed with her was that the operation turned to be hot when it was her hand to splay the cream on his body, lazily and languidly. Now it was just a bother and he felt dirty all over again when the lotion pasted his hairs, making them sticky and ruffled. He adjusted the top and set the tube in the bag. He stood and fished his boxers out of the pile of clothes he had left on the bench. He got both legs into the loops and pulled up, dropping the towel when he was covered. He straightened his black, faded jeans and stepped in, leaving the button and zip open. He turned around to look for the clean t shirt he kept in the locker as change and unfolded it on his legs. The door opened and he looked up, raising the tissue to cover his chest. Even if he lived in hospitals for decades and was used to the promiscuity of lockers and OC rooms, he didn't like to display his body to female coworkers. It was a kind of modesty his father had taught him to survive in a house staffed of women.

He lowered his hands realizing it was Webber, who slowly closed the door behind his back.

"Richard…" greeted him Derek, somehow surprised he was still in the hospital and not home with his wife. "I thought you went home" he added quietly, his eyes casting down, picking up his socks and wearing them.

"No… Adele refused to go and I didn't want to upset her more…" he paused, his hands moving on his hips and his eyes travelling on Derek. "She's fine now, Derek"

"I'm glad…" Derek looked up, smiling "I'm glad to hear that, Richard"

Shepherd bent down to recover his boots and forced his foot in one of them.

"I came to apologize, Derek… from her side. Adele is… she is…" he swallowed not finding any adjective suitable to express both his and her wife's feelings. He silenced and Derek looked to him, standing up.

"There's no need, Richard, really" he gave his friend a small smile and patted his shoulder, lowering his hand to pick up his clothes.

"She's mortified, Derek, and I'm too. Last thing I thought was that she could do something like that…" Richard moved his head and his chin pointed to Shepherd's face, implicitly looking for the place Adele had slapped him.

"It's fine, Richard, really. She lost touch of things and I was there to take her rage. You don't need to worry about me" Derek said calmly, his head disappearing into the t shirt and merging seconds later from the neck hole.

"I'm not worried, Derek. I'm ashamed. And I don't get how she could confuse Meredith with Ellis and… God" he shook his head and turned around, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

Derek finished with his underwear and sat on the bench.

"Alzheimer's patients live in the past, Richard. They remember decades ago like if it was yesterday but they don't remember half an hour ago. It's part of the disease… They pick out far memories and relive pains and emotions long gone…"

"And Adele is living my affair with Ellis all over again" Richard muttered quietly, lowering his eyes on the floor. Derek felt for him and sighed, standing and approaching him. He patted his shoulder gently and Webber locked eyes with him.

"I'm sorry, Richard. There's nothing we can do about it. When these episodes come… you just need to try to root her here, give her a rock to hold on too. I know it's scary and painful… for you too. You don't deserve to live this all over again"

Webber met Derek's eyes and smiled, reading sincerity and sympathy in the blue eyes staring at him.

"I don't need compassion for myself, Derek. Never as now I realize what I put my wife through and I deserve the hatred, I deserve her rage. I just feel sorry as she lashed out on you. And Meredith… I can't take her eyes out of my head"

Richard sank on the bench, raking his hand in his short and grey hair. Derek followed him, his Adam apple bobbling in is throat at the thought of revealing Richard the big truth. He took a deep breath and talked, looking to his mentor with concern and affection.

"Meredith is strong, Richard. And it's not the first time Adele saw Ellis in her…"

Webber's eyes jumped on his face and Derek swallowed.

"What?" he choked out, anxious and worried to get the real meaning of what Derek was saying.

"Adele had already confused Meredith with Ellis…" Shepherd explained quietly.

"When?" Richard shot almost angrily.

"A couple of weeks ago… Meredith saw her sitting in the lobby and stopped to say hi…"

"What did she say to her?"

"Richard…" Derek breathed out, not so sure Webber needed to know even this.

"What did she say to her?" Richard repeated, fuming. Derek looked away for a moment, closing his eyes and trying to remember what Meredith had told him.

"She thought Meredith was carrying your baby" Richard closed his eyes "when she said it was my child… Adele got even madder… she accused her to sleep with a man half her age… newly married. Meredith was really upset, Richard"

Their eyes met, sorrow lingering evidently in both their stares. Something clicked in Richard's brain and he straightened up.

"Was this before or after she switched the files, Derek?"

The neuro surgeon almost flinched under Richard's gaze. His throat went dry and he felt like an intern all over again. Questioned and not being able to answer. Only this time it felt worse. As the answer he was going to utter, despite being correct, was not going to produce any relief, to anyone.

"Derek…" Richard prodded him.

"Ten minutes before Meredith decided to screw my trial"

"Damn it" Richard hissed standing up, measuring the room like a lion in the cage. He stopped facing the door, closing his eyes for a moment and building his composure back. "Did you know?"

"She told me yesterday… I didn't know before then"

Derek bent forward, his elbows propped on his knees, his stare down. Richard looked to him and the guilt he had felt for the trial affaire doubled and swelled in his heart.

If before he thought he had pushed Meredith to do something wrong and felt bad as Derek had paid for it, now he felt like a truck had ran over him. His life, his mistakes had destroyed everything, hurt everybody, his wife first in the line. He shook his head to push back tears.

"I'm sorry, Derek" he whispered.

"It's not your fault, Richard, you need to stop blaming yourself" he raked a hand in his hair and then looked up, Webber didn't feel so convinced of his own innocence. Derek stood and went to face him. "You did mistakes, it's true. You messed up your life, it's true. But Adele forgave you. She took you back, you told me that yourself" Derek patted his shoulder, swallowing the lump in his throat "this is not her, Richard. She's bringing up random memories she can't control and you can't feel bad about that"

Richard sighed, nodding and made a step towards the door. He turned around and faced Derek again.

"You need to take care of her, Derek" Richard saw the disorientation on the young man's face and cleared "you need to take care of Meredith"

"I plan to do it, Richard. I hope I'll be good enough" he added in a breath.

"You are. You're the best thing who ever happened to her. She's happy and bright… you need to keep that light in her eyes, Derek, you need to do that" Richard said, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"And you need to support your wife, Richard. I know sometimes you could not feel suitable to do it but… you're the only one Adele needs… we both need to support our wives"

"Yeah…" Webber breathed out, a small smile playing on his lips "and I need to prevent mine from slapping you again"

Derek chuckled, caressing his cheek.

"I lacked with that… I can trace a great sign under that box now"

"I'm sure Adele will cringe…" Richard paused, swallowing, realizing he had chosen the wrong verbal mode. "would cringe if she remembered what she did, Derek"

"I guess she would find a good reason to do that again instead. I don't have her around my finger anymore, Richard"

"Quite about time" Richards said narrowing his eyes, his fingers lowering the knob and opening the door. "Say hi to Meredith…"

"I will… before she kicks my ass too" Derek chuckled and read astonishment on Richard's face. "I'm going to take her to the house tonight"

"Oh… are you done over there?"

"Yeah… and she is visiting the site for the first time so… you know women when it comes to walls and furniture"

"Oh… I do. Good luck with it"

Richard disappeared behind the door and Derek put his dirty scrubs and underwear in the sport bag he had brought from home. He set his toiletries back in the locker and shifted the bench, readjusting it to its original position. His light blue shirt was still folded neatly and he wore it, buttoning from bottom to neck. He put on his black sweater and looked at his watch. He was perfectly on time for his meeting with Meredith. He set the strap on his shoulder and lifted his leather briefcase, heading to the exit. He pulled out his cell and checked eventual miss called and texts, finding any.

He pushed the door open and stopped, meeting Bailey on the frame.

Their eyes met briefly and Derek nodded to her, letting her space to step in.

"Good night" he muttered pushing his cell back in the rear pocket of his pants.

Bailey's lips moved but Derek didn't hear anything. And he didn't either wait to eventually hear something. He walked away, excited and nervous like for a first date.

* * *

Meredith was waiting for Derek in the lobby, wrapped closely in her light cream jacket. It was May, late spring in Seattle, but the air was still chilly and sparkling. She kicked the air, sitting on a plastic chair near the entrance, waiting for her husband, chewing her lower lip nervously.

Bailey had freed her before the end of the procedure to go and find Derek but the research had been vane. He had probably retired in the confined and off limits space of the attending lounge and Meredith had decided to let him time to cool off and relax.

She knew Derek would be upset and, to tell the truth, she was too.

It was the second time Adele chose her as target and Meredith had never felt so embarrassed in her life. The Chief's wife was washing her dirty linen, dragging her mother's affair with the Chief into the light and Meredith was really uncomfortable. There were few people who knew before. Tirade after tirade the juicy gossip was spreading in the hospital and it didn't matter if the topic was far in space and time. Richard being here and Meredith being here, Ellis and Webber's liaison was one of the hottest news of the moment.

Meredith could see curios looks on her skin all the time and, right now, she was sure it was not just for the trial thing and Zola and all the circus she had brought on herself. People were pointing at her like the daughter of the ex chief's mistress. She hoped anyone would never dare to suggest she could be Webber's hidden and secret daughter.

She shivered and sighed at the mere thought.

The elevator's doors opened and Derek stepped out, elegant and gorgeous like some hot GQ model. His jeans folded his lean and muscular legs but, when he quickly turned around to greet a doctor passing by, Meredith licked her lips at the sight of his ass. His black boots gave him the aspect of a bad guy and his sweater hugged his broad shoulders, highlighting the flat plan of his chest and stomach.

A little wrinkle crossed his forehead, his hair was a little bit disheveled, and all this, linked to the little beard peppering his cheeks and throat, made him dark and intense. He smiled when he spotted her and Meredith stood, adjusting her purse, feeling like an ugly duckling in the presence of a swan.

"Hey" he said quietly, lowering his face and brushing her lips with his. Meredith's brain went fuzzy, lost in his cologne and the sensation of his mouth petting hers.

"Hey" she answered pulling away, her eyes locking with his. Her hand moved cautiously on his cheek and she caressed it, concern evident in her green orbs. "Are you ok?" she asked quietly, searching Derek's eyes. He put his hand on top of hers, still resting on his face and nodded.

"I'm fine, Mer, really"

His voice was a little bit weak and Meredith squirmed. She rubbed his cheek, brushing his lips with her pinkie in the process, and stared at him gently.

"You had a bad day, Derek. Why don't we just go home?"

"No" he cut her off firmly but gently "I planned this evening for a long time and it will be perfect"

"Der…" Meredith offered but he stopped her, his finger touching her lips softly.

"No, Mer. We'll talk about this tomorrow or whenever you want but… tonight is just for us" he smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear "You and me. I want to take care of you… spend time with you…" his eyes bored into hers, sending shivers down her spine "Will you let me?" he asked, placing a new, soft kiss on her lips and offering her his elbow in the while.

Meredith felt her knees going week and just smiled, eager, despite everything, to spend some time with her husband. She hooked her arm in his and smiled back.

"Let's go"

They walked out the hospital doors together, hand in hand, and then to the parking lot in deep silence, just enjoying each other's closeness and proximity. They reached Derek's Chayenne and he opened the door for her in a gesture of ancient chivalry.

"After you, mrs. Shepherd" he said, stretching his hand to help her in. His Porsche was glamour and comfortable but high as hell and Meredith had to climb into it snorting, rubbing her belly in comfort. Derek turned around the car and stepped in, adjusting in his seat and fastening his seat belt.

"Where are you taking me, mr. Shepherd?" she asked smiling, fastening her own special seat belt. To her surprise and delight, four months pregnant, when her bump had started to show, Derek had found shopping this magic stuffed belt. It was especially made for pregnant women, to allow them to drive and travel safely not squeezing and compressing their precious passenger. Derek turned on the car, leaning in to kiss her nose.

"Wait and see, wife" he said, smiling to her.

He drove out of the parking, following the traffic heading outside the city.

Meredith relaxed completely, her nape resting against the soft, leather headrest, her lids half closed, her hands resting on her belly.

"Are you ok?" Derek asked quietly, smiling at her.

"Just relaxing…" she turned to him and smiled "so… tell me where are we going now?" she asked again, oblivious of the line Derek had just entered.

"Take a look yourself" he said, taking advantage of the boarding procedures to pull a hand off the steering wheel to caress her. Meredith looked to him frowning and then outside, her eyes narrowing in surprise.

"Are we taking the ferry?" she asked confused.

"Yeah…"

"Are we going to your land?" she shot, her eyes wide in surprise. Derek smiled, squeezing her hand.

"No… mrs. Shepherd. We're going to our new house"

Seconds later he stopped the car on the deck, in the spot the yellow-jersey-wearing guy pointed him. He relaxed himself in his seat, stretching his legs and turning to face Meredith, one hand stroking her knee and the other playing with her hair.

"Are you nervous?" he asked, his own voice thick with emotion.

"A bit" she answered biting her lips.

"Let's make you calm down a bit then" he said hoarsely, his hand moving behind her neck, the other cupping Meredith's cheek. He pulled her towards himself and kissed her. The contact was heaven, his lips making love to hers. His tongue brushed Meredith's mouth lightly and she opened it, letting him in. There was no urgency in the way Derek was kissing his wife. It was slow and tender but incredibly hot and Meredith found herself wanting for more. She sighed when he pulled away, his eyes glistening with love and excitement, her lips swollen and warm.

"Are you trying to sex me up, dr. Shepherd?" she asked out of breath.

"No… just to corrupt you, dr. Grey…" he whispered adjusting her hair. Meredith giggled.

"Why would you need to do that?"

"Don't know… to fog your brain… melt your heart… give you some fine memory in case you hate the house and my guts as well" said Derek, tracing her face with his fingertip as it was the first time he touched her. Meredith stopped his hand, her face getting immediately serious.

"I'm gonna love it, Derek"

"I hope you do"

He kissed her quickly again and readjusted on his seat feeling the ferryboat slowing down. They drove out of it and Derek took the road leading to his land.

He slowed down the car's pace when ground and dust took the place of perfectly flat concrete. The Porsche swung and jerked through the holes and Meredith flinched sometimes, holding tightly on the handle over the window.

"This road seems to be made to make me deliver right now…" she said amused and Derek smiled too.

"We're almost there… and I asked my contractor to pave it once the works are done"

"Up to the cliff?" Meredith asked astonished "it will cost you a fortune, Derek"

"I can afford it, Mer, don't worry. Besides… I don't want the kids to throw up every time we come back home"

He drove the car through the last turn on the left and they ended up on the plane in front of Derek's trailer. He stopped the engine and jumped off, walking to the other side and helping Meredith out.

"Is your trailer still here?" she asked in disbelief, excitement creeping through her words, her eyes moving left and right to take a glance of their house. Derek gripped her elbow and pulled her against his chest.

"Don't cheat, Meredith… eyes on me, please" he smiled and she pouted.

"I can't wait, Derek…" she breathed out and he smiled, stroking her cheek.

"I was thinking to leave my trailer here…"

"Really?" she asked in excitement.

"Yes… the kids will love to play in there and… it can come handful when we fight and you kick me out of the house" they both giggled and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Always a step forward, Derek" she said, her eyes shining.

"Just foreseeing…" he leant in and kissed her, his breath fanning her neck and making her head spin. "Are you ready, Meredith?" he asked, an inch from her ear.

"Absolutely" she answered, her eyes closed, her face still buried in the crock of his neck. Derek pulled away and smiled, offering her his stretched hand.

"Let's go"

Meredith interlocked her fingers with his and they both walked into the grass. They walked over a little climb and Meredith's mouth fell agape taking in the sight of their house, ready and finished. She tucked some hair behind her ear, the breeze moving it, her cheeks flushed for the little walk.

She was devouring the wooden mansion in front of her while Derek was devouring her face, his heart swelling by the second. He gripped her hand and squeezed her fingers gently.

"How does it look?" he asked quietly, his eyes searching hers.

"It's wonderful!" shrieked Meredith, walking towards the house and pulling Derek by her side. They crossed the garden in front of the house and Meredith trotted up the three steps leading to the entrance. She stopped and turned on her heels to admire the porch. It was wide and it had an amazing view on Seatte's bay. It ran all along the length of the building and wide French doors separated the outdoor from the inside and Meredith smiled remembering the plan she had drawn years before with the candles. She already could imagine her family having breakfast in that perfect space, trees and birds chirping the only thing around.

She leant against one of the pillars and her bump pressed against the barrier, taking a deep breath and letting her eyes move into Derek's property.

Derek's hands circled her waist from behind and Meredith felt his stubby cheek scraping her face.

"Are you ok?" he asked quietly, his voice low, almost scared to break the perfect silence.

"Totally" she answered turning around, a wide smile stretching her lips.

"Are you ready to discover our house?"

"Yes… let's go"

She walked towards the front door, Derek's hand tight into her fingers and waited for him to find the key. He opened the lock and breathed in, setting the bundle into his jeans pocket. His eyes met Meredith's quickly and a mischievous smile twitched his lips.

"What?" asked Meredith confused. Without uttering one world, Derek lifted her in his arms, one hand in the crock of her knees and the other behind her shoulders "what are you doing?" shrieked Meredith, half surprised and half amused.

"Bringing my wife into our brand new house like tradition calls…"

"Derek…" tried to reason Meredith but he shook his head and silenced her.

"Use your free hands to open the door, Mrs. Shepherd"

He tilted to the side angling his body so that Meredith could have access to the door knob and she snorted, pushing the door open. Derek entered the house giving the back to the room and looked to his wife, grinning.

"Ready for the big reveal?"

"I am… Spin…"

He obliged, turning on his heels and facing the living room. He watched her mouth open again in wonder and he slowly set her down on her feet, his hand resting in the small of her back.

The room was an open space and could comfortably welcome fifty people. In the furthest wall the kitchen was already assembled and its style matched perfectly with the style of the house. All the walls were wooden, the floor was a styled and elegant parquet, wide windows and French doors opened on all the four sides. In a corner there was a big fireplace, so big Meredith could almost step inside standing in her full height.

"Wow" she whispered, incapable to express any further comment.

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful, Derek" she smiled to him walking across the room. She perfectly remembered that kitchen: she had chosen it personally from a catalogue and made some sketch of how it could turn out. She didn't know Derek had started and purchased it but she remembered their free days spent at the furniture seller arguing about materials and finishing. When the final draft had been approved she had removed the thought, waiting for the constructor to finish the works and ready to plunge into furniture hunting later. Derek had lifted a big weight from her shoulders and, more than anything, the result went beyond her best expectations. She approached to take a better look and leant against the counter, she frowned realizing there were pots and many alimentary boxes on the surface of the kitchen cabinet.

"What is that?" she asked pointing to all the stuff.

"I asked a catering service to bring in something to eat" answered Derek rounding the counter and approaching the boxes. He started to take tops off, smelling the content "so we have olive chicken… roasted potato and…" he paused fishing a small box out of a plastic bag "some cheese cake"

"Wow" breathed out Meredith, genuinely surprised "you prepared everything in detail"

"I just wanted this to be perfect…" Derek said softly, rubbing his hands. "So…" he muttered "dinner and sightseeing or sightseeing and dinner?"

"I would go for dinner and sightseeing…" she pouted "I'm really hungry and I think the tour will take long so… I want to enjoy every of it"

"Good… just sit then and wait. I'll warm this up and we'll have our very first dinner here"

He turned around and picked up two plates out of the highest shutter. He set them on the counter, right in front of Meredith and then did the same with pieces of cutlery and glasses. He turned on the stool and set the pot on, adjusting the right flame. He went to the fridge and took a bottle of wine and water, quirking a brow to Meredith.

"Will you toast with me?" he asked suggestively and Meredith giggled.

"I'd like to but… I don't want to turn Mc Baby high" she raised her glass and stretched her hand towards him "I'll go with the water, Der. You can drink by yourself though"

"So sad…" he said grinning, pouring a glass of water for his wife "Drinking by myself makes me sad… really"

"You'll survive… besides…. I want you to take me wine and jam in the delivery room. The self restraint lasted so long and I need to wash my body with alcohol right after the baby is born"

Derek smiled, sipping his wine. He sat the glass on the table and stirred the content of the boiling pot. The smell was good and he sank a spoon in the broth to taste it.

"Uhm… it tastes good. Try it, Mer… you'll tell me if adding some salt or not"

He rounded the counter holding the spoon, a brown liquid waving in the little piece of cutlery, a hand cupped under it to prevent the sauce to drip onto the floor. He approached the spoon to Meredith's lips but she refused to open her mouth.

"Mer?"

"I guess I have a better way to taste this…" she said quietly, jumping off the stool. She took Derek's wrist and addressed the spoon in his own mouth. He was surprised but didn't resist. His brain had no time to process what was happening that Meredith's mouth was on his, her tongue brushing his lips slowly but demanding. He tasted of chicken and she purred against him, sensing the rich aroma in the wet of his mouth. Meredith moaned quietly and pulled back, licking her own lips.

"You taste good…" she added amused.

"Me or the chicken?" Derek offered arching his brow.

"The both I guess" Meredith played along his joke "you're a great couple"

Derek shook his head grinning and rounded the counter again.

"So… more sault?" he asked.

"No, it's just perfect…"

"Good"

Derek took the pot off the stool using two hot pads and started to prepare two heavy portions of chicken and potato. He set the food on the plate elegantly, taking care the meat was covered by its sauce and the potato were flavored by some rosemary. Once done, he took the two plates and went sitting aside Meredith, on one of the high stool at the counter.

"Here we go" he said setting the plate in front of her nose "Bon appetit"

"Thank you… you too"

They ate in silence and Derek watched, surprised once again, Meredith devouring her dinner. She looked like she hadn't eaten in days, like she knew she wasn't going to eat in days. Every time she brought the fork to her mouth, she aggressed the food with such a voracity that Derek giggled, raising her curiosity.

"What?" she asked chewing some chicken, a rivulet of broth tripping down her chin making her skin slick in drippings.

"Nothing… you're gorgeous when you eat like that" he stretched his hand, holding his own towel, and brushed the sauce away.

"I'm just hungry" she said almost pouting.

"Enjoy your dinner, Mer. We have all the time"

He leaned against his stool and got lost observing her, his plate empty. Meredith realized she was observed and looked into his plate and then to him.

"Are you done?" she asked, her mouth full.

"Yes… I hadn't a big appetite. I'm fine" he said rubbing her back. His face looked relaxed but Meredith couldn't help to think of Adele's accident. She swallowed her bite and cleared her throat.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" she asked quietly, noticing Derek's features and body tensing immediately.

"I'd rather not" he said smiling, his hand still on her shoulder. "I want this to be just about us. No problems, no work, nothing… just you and me. We have next days to discuss about it profusely, Mer. Now eat so that we can finish our tour and engage in more interesting activities"

"What would that be?" asked Meredith innocently, her eyes twitching with a mischievous light. Derek smiled, he liked when Meredith played the numb blonde. It was right the opposite of what she was in reality. Smart, clever, quick. He cleared his throat and closed both arms across his chest.

"You're playing with fire, miss" he said grinning, his eyes travelling down her body.

"Am I?" she asked lightly, bringing the fork to her mouth again, looking at Derek with wide eyes.

"Yes. You drove me crazy with that kiss before"

His eyes had turned a shade bluer, smoky with passion and desire and Meredith's throat closed a bit, risking to choke her. She swallowed with difficulty and their eyes locked.

"I'm sorry…" she muttered quietly, in trouble herself. Derek chuckled and leant forward to kiss her.

"Don't be. We have plenty of time to celebrate"

He stood and rounded the counter, starting to set dirty plates into the sink. He adjusted empty boxes into the plastic bags and cleaned everything, deleting all traces of their passage. Meredith swallowed the last piece of chicken and set her fork down with a dull thud, relaxing against the backrest of the stool.

"It was delicious… Everything"

"Good…" he looked up to her briefly and smiled, cleaning the marble top with a wet cloth.

Meredith turned on the stool and observed the room again.

"Are we going to place a table somewhere?" she asked, tapping her fingers.

"Yes, I thought it would be useful. We can eat here when we're just us but… if we had guests, it would be complicated"

"Mm…" Meredith nodded rubbing her chin, examining the room carefully. "We could place the couches over there and the tv in that corner"

"Yeah… I agree, it's actually what I had thought myself" he smiled rounding the counter and offering Meredith his hand "Now let's go seeing the rest. We can think of furniture later, ok?"

"Ok… lead me"

Derek placed a tender kiss on her cheek and leant both hands on Meredith's sides, pushing her gently and addressing her towards a door in the corner of the room.

"So… here we have a bathroom…" he said opening the door and ushering Meredith in. The bathroom was upholstered with blue ceramic tiles, it was wide and provided with a double size shower.

"No tube here?" asked Meredith.

"Mer… this is just the guest bathroom. I hope people won't come to visit us to get a bath"

"Who can say that? People are so screwed…" she said shrugging, leaving the room. Derek took her hand and led her through a long corridor leading to the stairs.

"There are also some service local on the ground floor. Laundry, another little toilet, tools room, a large pantry. I thought they weren't really interesting for a first visit… you'll get to see them next time. Now I want you to see the first floor" he said when they were already half way. He stopped when they got to the last step and turned to face Meredith, taking her shoulders in his hands.

"Meredith…" he said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to promise me something before we go on, ok?"

"Ok… what is it?"

"I want you to promise me you'll tell me if something doesn't satisfy you, if you want to change something. There's still time and I want you to feel part of this as you are… this is your home and I want you to be perfectly happy with it. Deal?"

"Ok…" she muttered quietly and Derek smiled.

"All right then… let's go" he pulled Meredith towards the first room and opened the door, switching the light on.

"So this is the first of the guests room…" he said, pushing her in, rubbing her shoulders from behind. Meredith's breath hitched in her throat.

"Cristina's room…" she whispered.

"What?" asked Derek arching a brow, quizzically. Meredith turned to face him.

"I… I told Cristina she was going to have a room up here… in case she fought with Owen or whatever"

"Oh… so I ran from the city but still have Cristina Yang barging in our room in the middle of the night?" he asked amused.

"I'm afraid of yes…" Meredith giggled, caressing his cheek. "Are you mad?"

"No" he giggled "I count she'll run for the hills first night Mc Peanut will keep her up weeping…"

Meredith swatted his arm playfully.

"This was mean…"

"I had to cohabit in the same bed with you and her for four years, Mer. Just protecting myself here…" he smiled, walking across the room and opening the window. There was a wonderful view on the yard and his little lake and he breathed in. He turned around and leant his back against the bulwark. "The room has a private bathroom… with tube" he added smirking and Meredith rolled her eyes, opening the door and taking a look inside "and a private walk in closet. I was thinking to place a king size bed in here. What do you think?"

"I think it's great" Meredith said, her eyes sparkling, measuring the room with quick steps. She stopped admiring the floor. It was parquet too, but different from the one covering the ground floor. She looked to Derek and he tilted his head.

"I wanted to give each room its own personality and taste. That's why you won't find the same floor in two rooms. I always changed something… draw… width of the slats… I hope you like it"

"I do…" she smiled brightly, taking his hand and walking outside in the corridor again. "Where next?" she looked eagerly and curious to all the doors opening on the hallway and Derek took both her cheeks in his hands.

"To a very special one…" he kissed her and opened another door. "Welcome to our baby's nursery, Meredith" he stepped in and ushered her inside. His wife's eyes went immediately moist observing the room. All the furniture they had chosen to welcome the baby was already settled. A swinging, old fashion style crib, a changing table, a little closet, a little bed. They were all clear, a creamy color, with little bears hand painted. The pattern was simple but had caught their eyes immediately. Visiting the shop apart, Meredith and Derek had chosen the same set. She giggled remembering the moment they had realized it.

"_Meredith?" Derek called out hanging his coat. The kitchen and living room were silent but Meredith had to be home. She had the day off and she was supposed to go looking for nursery furniture. It was her turn today, Derek had done the same thing last Monday and he had found his dream set. He was eager to know what his wife had found and eventually chosen._

"_Upstairs… in the bedroom…" her voice reached him and Derek smiled, jogging up the stairs and finding her lying on the bed._

"_Hey…" he greeted her stepping in, a wide smile stretching his lips. He sat on the bed and kissed her "Tired?"_

"_Yeah… this baby shopping thing worn me out. My feet are killing me…" she pouted, resting the magazine she was reading on her chest. Derek smiled even wider and lifted her legs from the mattress, adjusting them on his knees. "Derek…"_

"_Foot scrub" he said simply, starting to message her ankles and toes. Meredith relaxed, her eyes closing. "So… was the fatigue at least worth?" he asked quietly, looking at her._

"_Oh yes…" she moaned and Derek giggled, causing Meredith to open her eyes frowning "What?"_

"_Was the yes for my message skills or for a successful day of shopping?" he smirked amused and his wife hit his shoulder._

"_It was for the shopping, smartass…" she grimaced, dropping the magazine on the conditioner._

"_Little tease…" he leant in to kiss her "so shoot… I'm all ears"_

_Meredith relaxed against the headboard, crossing her arms across her chest. Some second passed and Derek looked to her, still silent._

"_Mer?"_

"_You said you had found the perfect set a couple of days ago…" she muttered and he nodded enthusiastically._

"_I did… according to my tastes. But you needed to go and see for yourself, without my interference"_

"_You had a bad influence on me…" she said grinning and Derek rolled his eyes._

"_That's why we decided to go apart… so that I could take a look around and you could do the same… But it's time to compare our choices now…"_

"_You won't get me out of mine"_

"_Oh really?" he asked amused, locking eyes with hers "I happen to have good means of dissuasion with you" he added, his voice low and gritty, sparkles in his eyes. _

"_I do know that" she spat, retrieving her legs from his grasp and stretching them on the bed out of his hands "that's why no body contact is allowed when we discuss this" she stated firmly, raising a laughter from Derek's side._

"_Bossy…"_

"_Shut up!"_

"_Ok" Derek smiled, raising his hands in fake surrender "you first"_

"_Right…" she said, adjusting on the bed and clearing her throat "so… I saw this set…" she said quietly, a new light shining in her eyes, something which warmed Derek's heart. Then he knew… He liked it or not, he couldn't force himself to deny her anything when she was so enthusiastic about it "nothing fancy. It's really simple. It's not white… more cream I'd say… with little bears painted…"_

_Derek had to repress a smile, it was his choice too. He decided to grill her a bit._

"_That's all?" he asked her and Meredith's face dropped._

"_Well… the bears are doing stuff… sports… bicycling… it's really cute. It's bisex… it's not for girl or boy, it's very neutral. I don't want extravagant stuff for our baby…" she said rubbing her belly. "What had you picked instead?" she asked but Derek cut her off._

"_Wait… you finish first… Have you asked the price or delivery time?"_

"_Well… I haven't really asked economic stuff actually…" she said almost blushing "I'm not a very pragmatic woman as you know"_

"_And do they have it on stock?"_

"_They had but… the store clerk told me a guy booked the last they have. A daddy going for shopping by himself and falling head over hills for it… Usually they don't do the reservation thing but… crap… this time they did. If we want it, we need to order it already. The stuff comes from England and it takes time. What about you?"_

_Derek shrugged, locking eyes with her._

"_It doesn't matter anymore, Mer"_

"_What? Why?" she protested._

"_You have chosen what you want and you're so happy when you talk about it that I couldn't force you into anything different" he said smiling. Meredith giggled and hugged him tightly._

"_I love you!"_

"_Me too…"_

_Meredith pulled away and took the telephone on her nightstand._

"_So I guess I should call the shop…" she dialed a couple of numbers and then Derek stopped her hand, taking the receiver away from her. Meredith frowned. "Derek…"_

"_There's no need to call them"_

"_Yes" she retorted "I don't want Mc Peanut to sleep on the couch as we didn't buy a crib" she stretched her hand to take the phone but Derek budged, preventing her. "Derek…"_

"_The set is ours, Mer" he said, a wide smile stretching his lips._

"_What?" she choked, arching her brows._

"_I was the daddy shopping and falling head over hills for it"_

"_You were?" she asked, her mouth agape, surprise and happiness lightening up her face._

"_I was… I saw it and I knew it was it. I wanted to show you but I didn't want to ruin your mother shopping day. So I asked the sales girl to keep it in stand by for a week, waiting for you to go and watch yourself. When you told me about the little bears… I understood we were talking about the same stuff and I toyed with you"_

_Meredith shook her head in disbelief, joy written all across her face._

"_So we went shopping and picked the same set out of the hundred we were presented?"_

"_Apparently we did" Derek kissed her lips gently "we're really twin souls, Meredith"_

"Mer… are you still here?"

"Definitely…"

"I didn't choose any color for the walls. I wanted to do it with you"

"Great… but I'm not very creative with this stuff so… you suggest, I say yes or no"

"Ok…" he circled her waist with both hands "we could go on with plain color… light green or yellow"

She arched her brow, taking a look around, trying to picture the result in her head.

"I don't know… I don't want this room to look like a candy… What else?"

"We could use a couple of colors… The lower part orange… then a decorative belt and a light yellow on top?" he suggested, his nose tickling her neck.

"It sounds great"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…"

"Good… so I'll call the painter and ask him to stop by to make some samples for us"

"You have all answers, dr. Shepherd" added Meredith in a skittish tone, relaxing in his body and touch. She swung on her feet and then sighed. "It's all silent, here…. I wonder how things will be in a month from now"

"They'll be better" said Derek quietly, his mouth on her ear "Our baby will peacefully sleep here. And if he doesn't, Mc Peanut and daddy will go downstairs on the couch and let mummy rest"

"Are you offering up for night shifts, dr. Shepherd?"

"Of course, dr. Grey. You're going to make my dream true. The least I can do is help you… I can't look forward helping you"

Meredith straightened up and turned around, tears glistening her eyes for the beautiful words Derek had just uttered. She caressed his cheeks and their eyes locked.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"Don't know" Derek answered cockily.

"Where did I find you?"

"Joe's… Joe's just serves the best things in town" he said mockingly raising Meredith's giggle. "Let's go… We have far more rooms to visit"

They left the nursery and Meredith didn't wait for any invitation. She opened the opposite door and she gulped on the doorframe. The room was full of toys, puppets, music boxes.

"That's the room our kids will play" said Derek behind her, his voice hoarse and deep. Meredith turned around and smiled to him and then proceeded to take a look around. She touched dolls and constructions, wooden toys and a little train.

"You really enjoyed the single daddy shopping" she said amused. Derek was leaning against the doorframe, staring at her.

"To tell the truth none of this is new, Meredith"

"What do you mean?" she asked confused, touching a horse of a little blue carousel. The carillon started to work, a relaxing, joyful jingle filling the air.

"These are my toys"

"What?" she asked, her mouth agape.

"I was a very watchful kid. I loved my toys and never wasted them. My mother packed everything and stored them away for me… for my kids. She mailed them to me as soon as I was ok… That's my first surprise and I hope you don't mind"

"Why would I?" she asked smiling, looking to the toys around with a double interest. It was like she had opened a curtain on Derek's childhood. What he liked to play with, the way he used to play. Most part of these objects had more than 30 years. Yet… they were perfect. Little Derek was already a perfectionist apparently. Her eyes grew wide and she shrieked picking up a robot.

"That's Daytan… I have always wished to have one!" she rolled the toy in her hands, her face lit up in joy.

"It was one on my favorite. Kind of Anatomy Jane for you"

"Oh yes…" she giggled "I'll go through my boxes but, unlike you, I wasn't that respectful. I broke everything"

"Well… I guess there's enough here. Not to talk of all the things I've already chosen"

"What are you talking about?" she enquired setting the robot down and approaching Derek.

"I have to tell you a little secret, wife" said Derek relinquishing her with a stormy glare, his arms closed across his chest.

"I'm all ears"

"I have a thing for toys…" Meredith arched her brows frowning and Derek cleared his throat "I love toys. And with all my nieces and nephews… it's an addiction I've fed all along years. I know everything and it takes me hours to choose the right thing when I need to make a gift. My kid will be lucky with this"

"I know… and I'll be too. I kind of don't know where to start with these things. When I casually arrive in the toys aisle… I get lost with all that stuff"

"I'll teach you… and you'll get to love it yourself" he gave her a Mc Dreamy smile and Meredith blushed, giggling.

"I don't think so but… it's kind of right. I'll drag you through fashion boutiques and you'll pay me back with toys shopping…"

Derek took her hand and pulled her against his body, circling her back with both hands.

"I don't think my revenge will be that smooth but… for now you'll go away with it"

He leant in to kiss her and Meredith's hands went to his hair out of instinct. She pressed his neck against her face. Their lips met and pulled away several times, petting each other, flowing their bodies with sweet and powerful emotions.

"It's better we stop" whispered Meredith backing off, her lips rosy and full.

"What if I don't want to stop?" said Derek hoarsely, attacking her mouth with new strength. Meredith moaned in his touch, but passion came to an alt when a powerful kick hit her belly and made them part.

"What is it? Your personal defender?" chuckled Derek, his hand tenderly stroking her bump.

"Mc Peanut is kind of mummy jealous…"

She joined his hand and leant into his chest, her cheek pressing against his heart.

"Our child won this time… but it's better it cools off later as I have all the intentions to spend some good time with you"

Meredith giggled, patting Derek's abdomen.

"I like when you fight for me…"

She raised her eyes and they kissed again light.

"Let's continue"

They closed the door and walked down the corridor. Meredith was about to open a room when Derek stopped her.

"This at last, Meredith" he took her hand and led her to another bathroom, then another guestroom, even this one with private bathroom and wardrobe.

Meredith was starting to feel tired. She was overwhelmed by the happiness and emotion. Still her body was sending her warning messages. Her ankles were swollen and her back ached. She whimpered when she opened a window to admire the view and Derek rushed by her side.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes, just sore" she stretched her back trying to ease the weight and tension in her muscles. Derek massaged her shoulder blades while Meredith focused back on the panorama. "You know… I'd have never imagined this would be so perfect, Derek" she whispered, her pupils drinking the surrounding nature. The woods had painted with faded colors, leaves going from yellow to orange, green and brown. "Your land is kind of magic… I knew it already but now… it just feels like it's too much"

"Nothing is too much for our family and for you, Meredith. The moment I arrived in Seattle I fell in love with it" he said quietly, pushing his nose into her hair. "I needed a change, I needed to revitalize my soul. And this was the place. I feel the owner of the world up here"

"I know…" Meredith added softly.

"And this house just makes it perfect. Before… I was just a tramp living in a smelly trailer"

"Your trailer is not smelly!" protested Meredith, her mind filling with sweet memories of the time they had spent there together. "It's just you and your trout fishes…" she giggled.

"Thank you…" said Derek kissing her cheek "You made me happy, Meredith. You made me a husband and a daddy. Everything up here is just thanks to you"

Meredith turned around sensing Derek's moved voice. Their eyes locked and she brushed his cheek.

"It's not true, Derek. This land is just you… all about you"

"Mer…" he protested but she cut him off.

"You kept attached to it even when people wanted you to move away" she argued, her thumb still grazing his skin.

"I kept attached as it reminded me of you, Meredith. Of how you made me feel. I couldn't force myself to let it go as much as I couldn't force myself to let you go" said Derek, emotion pulsing through each word.

"You wanted to sell it…" she added in a whisper and Derek shivered, sensing the hurt lingering in those words.

"You were out of my life, Meredith. I couldn't imagine living here without you… by myself… with another woman. You were the only one who belonged here… everything was meaningless without you. This was our land, our house. I made blueprints when we were together… it never changed" he smiled, hugging her. Meredith relaxed in his hold and leant her cheek on his chest. Derek took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I asked mr. Wat to arrange me some papers"

Meredith straightened up, frowning.

"Mr. Who?" she enquired, surprised.

"Mr. Wat … my lawyer"

"Ohh…" muttered Meredith, at lack of words.

"I asked him to prepare the papers to add your name on the property"

"What?" choked out Meredith, her mouth opened in shock.

"You're my wife. This place belongs to you as much as it belongs to me"

"Derek…" she protested "my rights are more than protected. I can't accept it" she said shaking her head.

"You will. This was meant to be my marriage gift. Things got messed up but I've never forgotten what I wanted to do. Everything is ready. I just have to tell Wat when we have an hour to show up and sign"

"Derek…" she shook her head again "Let me at least share the costs… something"

"Don't be silly, Meredith. Besides… I guess I owe you some arrears… year rents… I have been bedding down at your place for years"

"Oh… you paid for that…" she arched her brows mischievously and giggled, causing Derek's lips to twitch up in amusement.

"So wasn't that making love but paying my grasping house owner in kind?"

"It was… but the account is still open…"

"When will I be done with this heavy obligation?"

"Don't know… it depends on how much effort you put on it… I could make allowance to you"

"I don't want a reduction" he said hoarsely, his lips descending on hers. A static ran down Meredith's spine and her husband seemed to perceive it. He pulled her even closer, deepening the kiss and then let her go, catching his breath "Let's go, my lady. It's time I show you the place I'm going to serve you from now on"

Derek turned on his heels and gripped Meredith's hand, pulling her behind him. He stopped when he arrived out of the last door. Differently from the others, it wasn't located on one side of the corridor, but it opened at the end of it. Meredith took a look around, frowning, as if she had noticed just then a particular she had missed before.

"What?" asked her Derek.

"Nothing…" she muttered, her eyes darting along the corridor "It's just… I don't know" she shook her head and shrugged, raising Derek's amusement.

"Okay… I don't know what you wanted to say but I don't care now"

"Thank you" said Meredith narrowing her eyes and swatting his arm playfully.

"Let me introduce you to our kingdom, Meredith" he breathed out and, before Meredith could react, he lifted her from the ground.

"Derek!" she shrieked, hugging his neck to stabilize her body.

"Old traditions… just open the door now" he said gently, his eyes locked with hers. Meredith took a deep breath and then pushed the doorknob down. The door opened as well as her mouth.

"Holy mother…" she mumbled astonished. The missing particular went to place magically. Meredith had stopped before realizing the ground floor looked much more wide than the first. Despite the dimensions of the rooms, she had felt the perception there was a big part of space missing. Now she had found it. Their bedroom was a little apartment inside the house and overlooked three sides. To maximize her surprise, the room was already furnished and a happy flame was sparkling in the fireplace. A king size bed rested against the wall, dominated by their post it and the draw Derek had painted in Meredith's bedroom.

"How did you get that?" she asked in disbelief.

"I asked the contractor to go and take it" Derek answered simply.

"Wait…" said Meredith pissed "you asked a team of half naked men to step into my house and knock down my wall?" she asked indignant.

"I did. And Lexie was very helpful. Relax, Mer. Your bedroom is still standing" he said grinning and Meredith snorted, her bad mood drifting away immediately. She pushed against Derek's chest and he put her down on her feet. Meredith moved across the room like a child in a candy store. She was observing every detail, her mouth opening and closing in wonder. She touched the sheets Derek had used to make the bed and frowned.

"Silk?" she grimaced looking at him.

"I chose the tissue which felt like your skin" he said quietly, sitting on the armchair he had set in a small recess. The corner looked like a reading or relaxing area. There were three green recliners and a little table serving them, covered by medical reviews and design magazines. Derek watched Meredith moving with a wolfish grin. "We can change everything you want though… I just wanted to place something here… It would have been sad bringing you here without nothing"

"It would have been perfect anyway" Meredith said smiling, tracing her fingers on the curtains. She moved them aside and opened the French door, stepping on a wide and wonderful covered terrace. "I can't believe this is what I'm going to see every morning" she whispered quietly. She spent some moment outside and then the chilling breeze suggested her to go back in. Derek was still sitting in the same spot, leaving her space and letting her choose the time of her visit. Meredith scanned the room again, a small smile stretching her lips. The furniture was simple yet elegant, a mixture of modern and traditional style. The room allowed the presence of many pieces but Derek hadn't exaggerated. It was far more than necessary anyway. Suddenly a realization hit her and Meredith gulped, awakening Derek's curiousness.

"What?"

"Where are the closets?" she asked, a panicked tone in her voice. Derek giggled standing and approaching her. He touched her shoulders lightly and whispered in her ear.

"The door on the left, Meredith"

She started to move when she felt a little pressure behind her back. The door slid open under her touch and Meredith froze there.

"You got me that walk in closet?" she asked, turning on her heels with a wide smile on her face.

"You liked it too much. I couldn't deny it to you" Derek answered smiling. Meredith giggled, entering the space and observing everything mesmerized. She opened some drawer and shutter, the wood still smelled of new and she inhaled deeply. "Are you happy?"

"Delighted, Derek… thank you" her eyes moved on the wall unit and Derek noticed a shadow of indecision in her eyes.

"What's wrong, Meredith? We had a deal… remember?"

"Nothing is wrong" she shot too quickly, turning to face him. She bit her lip, arching her brow. "I'm not very good in hiding stuff…"

"You're not. What's wrong?"

"Nothing… it's just it looks a little small. How can all our clothes fit in here?"

"They won't" he answered quietly, raising Meredith's astonishment.

"Ok…" she muttered "then what? Is that a hint I need to reduce my wardrobe?"

"At all" chuckled Derek "this room is just for you, Meredith. I have my own, private one"

"You have?" her eyes grew wider in surprise and Derek smiled.

"Door on the right" he answered simply. Meredith stormed out of the room and headed to the twin space on the other side of the bed. Derek hadn't lied, there was an equal door there and she opened it. The furniture was the same, just some detail was different. Derek had a wide space to hang his ties, more drawers for his tailor shirts. Meredith smirked, facing him, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I thought you hated this solution…" she said tapping her foot on the floor.

"I did. But you were so enthusiastic about it that I took some information. And realized it was not so bad after all. Spaces just needed to be managed and I did it. I hope you're happy about the result"

"Definitely… and now I look forward visiting our bathroom…" she said smiling. She walked out and opened the last door in the room.

Bathroom was a reducing word to describe it.

It was huge, big, fancy and endowed with all the possible comforts.

A wide Jacuzzi occupied the left corner and it was more a swimming pool than a tube. Meredith remembered seeing it on a magazine. She had read all the technical qualities and, even if she wasn't very good in domestic stuff, she had understood filling that thing took a sea of water. Now it was there, in her bathroom, with a wide frame surrounding its whole length which seemed made on purpose to set candles and glasses of champagne. She rounded it appreciating its elegance and style and giggled realizing Derek had placed double bathroom fixtures: two toilets, two sinks, two bidets, two mirrors.

"So you won't complain I always keep the bathroom busy" Derek whispered behind her ear.

"It wasn't necessary, Derek"

"Don't worry… we had plenty of space"

He smiled and she smiled back, finishing her journey in front of the shower stall.

"Are you planning groupy showers, Derek?" she asked realizing the size of the crystal box. There were three springs and hydro massage columns, everything assembled on marble plates. A thin thread of steel ran horizontally through the wall giving a modern touch to the upholstery. The appearance was really nice and Meredith turned to look at her husband, who was expecting her reaction and opinion anxious.

"So?" he asked arching his brows.

"This is a dream, Derek. It's far more I ever wished" she said, her voice shaking. Derek reciprocated the smile and took her hand, bringing her back into their room. He walked towards the armchairs and sat on one, bringing Meredith down into his lap. He lifted her legs on the little table and messaged her calves through the fabric of her jeans.

"Better?" he asked quietly, locking eyes with her. Meredith nodded, resting her head in the crock oh his neck and playing with the curly hair of his nape.

"Heavenly…" she took a quick glance to the room and sighed. "When did you do all this?"

"I asked the chef to lighten the fire. He was more than available to do it for an extra tip"

"And what about the rest?"

"It was ready for days, Meredith. I was just waiting for the right timing" he whispered into her ear, kissing her hair.

"Is the bed as comfortable as it looks like?" she asked giggling.

"I guess there's no way to know but try it…"

"Well… you already did so… I trust your judgment on that, Derek"

"I didn't" he muttered and Meredith raised her head to look at him. She tilted her face astonished and Derek got the reason of her puzzlement. "I have never slept here"

"I thought…" she paused, not able to finish the sentence. The mere memory of Derek sleeping out of her house, away from her, was still painful and Meredith's mouth refused to turn the idea into speech. She swallowed and cleared her throat. "I thought you had slept here in the last nights…"

"No…" it was Derek's turn to swallow "I couldn't spend my first night here by myself. I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to be with you"

"So did you stay in your trailer?" she asked, surprised and amused at the same time.

"No… I just slept outside… on my deck… in a sleeping bag"

"Derek…" Meredith said getting serious. "I thought you stopped doing that the moment you realized there are bears up here"

"Don't worry" he chuckled "I guess Alex scared the only one away. And then you know I love star watching. And I even realized the deck wasn't on level. I overestimated my skills as carpenter"

"You didn't. Everything is just perfect" she smiled kissing his lips "and I need to pee" she added standing up. "Time to inaugurate my half of the bathroom" she said starting to unzipping her jeans.

"Romantic way to do it. I really had something better in mind" he joked and Meredith showed him her tongue before disappearing into the room. Derek took the chance to stand and look out to the balcony. The sun was dying behind his hill painting the ground and trees with beautiful colors. From there he could even spot a corner of his lake and even the water reflection was playing its magic with that special light. Derek closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, letting the pure and fresh oxygen clean his lungs and wash worries away. It was regenerating, but a hundred time more powerful than the shower he had enjoyed hours before. He heard the door of the toilet closing and stepped back in, facing a smiling Meredith in the mid of the room.

"Do you want your cheesecake?" he asked, staffing his hands in the rear pockets of his jeans. Meredith approached him smiling and leant a hand on his chest, softly.

"Sounds like a good idea. But I want to thank you properly before" she said raising on her tiptoes to kiss him. Her hands closed behind his back and Derek's arm snaked around her waist, locking their bodies close together. They parted for a second and Meredith shivered reading the passion sparkling in her husband's eyes. "I love you" she whispered.

"I love you too"

Her fingers walked on Derek's chest and then trailed lower, teasing his body through the soft cotton of his shirt. Her hand touched the denim of his jeans and stopped on his zip, making Meredith really aware of Derek's arousal.

"Meredith…" he purred in her ear, his eyes closed, his hands stroking her arms up and down.

"I want you" she said, her own voice broken. She cupped him through his jeans and a sound, gritty and guttural, similar to a roar, left Derek's lips. He tilted his head to the side and kissed her deeply, proceeding to push her backwards towards the bed. Meredith's knees hit the mattress and she fell sitting on it. Derek joined her soon. He cupped her cheeks with both hands and kissed her deeply, leaving her breathless and excited.

"I'm scared to hurt you or the baby" he said gently, rubbing her cheek.

"You won't hurt me, Derek" she tried to reassure him. "And Mc Peanut will be perfectly fine with it"

"Are you sure?" his voice shaking and concerned.

"Absolutely. Dr. Milton confirmed me there's no contraindications to have sex… Please…" she added, her fingers trying to undo the buttons of his shirt. Derek let her do and Meredith got rid of a couple of them, finally touching her husband's smooth and soft skin. They both shivered for the sensation. She went on, opening the front completely and stroking his sides, his chest, her lips never parting from his. It had been a long time her fingertips didn't trace his defined body and Meredith couldn't stop, enjoying the familiar and sweet sensation. When her nails grazed his nipples Derek broke the kiss, his face nuzzled in the crock of her neck and he stroke his face against hers.

"Are you purring?" giggled Meredith, whose fingers were pitilessly petting his naked chest.

"Trying to resist this cruel torture…" he whispered, his voice deep and throaty. "I want you so much it hurts…"

"Let's get you stop hurting then…" answered Meredith kissing his throat. A growl left Derek's mouth and he stopped being passive and patient. His hands cupped his wife's bump gently and he moved up, slowly and measuring every inch of her body. He stopped when he reached her breasts and cupped them in his palms, causing Meredith to moan in his mouth. She stopped touching him and unbuttoned her blouse, to ease his task. As soon as Derek felt naked skin under his fingers, his hands moved under the tissue and he quickly reached her cleavage and neck, his mouth moving to tease the column and earlobe.

"I missed you so much…" he said hoarsely, causing Meredith to shiver. His thumbs hooked Meredith's collar shirt and he pushed the material off her body, leaving her exposed in her silk black bra. His fingers moved to her shoulder blades and then down following her spine, they insinuated under her pants and panties to touch the small of her back and ass. Derek caressed her hips and broke the kiss, locking eyes with her. He smiled standing and pulling her up. Meredith leant both palms on his chest and Derek kissed her again, his fingers unbuttoning her jeans. He pushed them down and helped her stepping out of them.

"You're beautiful…" he whispered gripping her chin and moving it upwards. Their eyes met and Derek angled his head to kiss her again. He was painfully aware of her hands slipping down his chest, fumbling to unfasten his belt. Meredith popped his jeans open and lowered his zip, her fingers touched the soft material of his boxers and Derek tensed, all his body tightening in desire. It was his turn to abandon his clothes on the floor and he smiled to Meredith lifting her in his arms. He kissed her lips again, carrying her around the bed and then knelt on the mattress, laying her down. Meredith fell on the smooth sheets, her hair splaying on the pillow and Derek hovered over her, caressing her cheek. "I want our baby to look like you" he kissed her again, this time more passionately, their tongues playing and engaging in a lusty match. When he pulled back, Meredith touched his shoulders and pushed his shirt off, circling his neck and pulling his face towards her. She kissed him hard, her teeth marking their territory, her knee teased his groin and Derek growled, parting from her mouth and nuzzling her earlobe.

"Still playing with fire, Mrs. Grey…" he whispered, propping his weight on both elbows not to crush her. His hand trailed down her chest and he unclasped her bra with a click, he left it in place and moved down. His pinkie hooked the hem of her panties on her hip and slid down till he reached the inner part of her thigh, he touched her and Meredith squirmed, her back arched, exposing her body even more.

"I want to pleasure you…" said Derek hoarsely before kissing her again "I want to love you" he added staring down at her.

"Love me…"

There was a hint of prayer in Meredith's voice, a hint of urgency and need and Derek sensed this evening wasn't meant for lust and teasing, it was meant to be pure love, to seal their union and reunion completely. Their bodies longed to be together, their skins were on fire, their hands couldn't stay off each other. And he hadn't the self-control to deny all of them what they wanted the most. He kissed his wife again, passionately and deeply and positioned himself for their ultimate intimacy.

"Meredith…" he whispered raining her face with soft kisses. It was a plea, the request of final permission, the expression of the burning desire he felt. All his body was ready to explode, his loins were aching, his arousal almost unbearable. Yet he wanted to be sure Meredith was really fine with it.

"Derek…" she mumbled, her fingers stroked his shoulder and bicep and he knew.

He took her hand and kissed the back of it, he interlocked their fingers and leant them on the pillow, over her head.

There was nothing frantic and hasty in their love making, they took all the time they needed to pleasure each other and feel each other. Their hands were restless in exploring all muscles, every inch of skin. Derek was very careful not to crush Meredith's belly, their baby. Even if they were more in control and less acrobatic than usual, they were both sated and satisfied when he collapsed on the mattress beside her.

"Wow…" he mumbled, curled on one side, his fingers playing with Meredith's hair.

"Double wow" she answered, her face turned to look at him and, when their eyes met, she giggled.

"What?" asked Derek, propping his face on one hand and staring down at her. Her skin burnt under his gaze and Meredith felt exposed and naked as ever.

"Nothing…" she said quietly, her hand moving on her chest to cover her breasts. Derek caught the movement and frowned "I'm just ugly and fat…" she muttered. Derek took her hand and moved it apart, discovering her to his sight.

"You're beautiful, Mer" he leant in to kiss her "and sexy as hell. I've been exercising my self control so much lately…" he said grinning, his hand caressing her cheek. She was smiling, probably relaxed, and he took the chance to go on. "But you weren't thinking about that… what is it?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing…" she said, amusement evident in her voice, though. Derek arched his brow quizzically and she bit her lip. "Fine… but you're going to think I'm a pervert"

"I know you are…" he said, grinning and raising her indignation. Meredith swatted his hand away.

"I'm not!" she scoffed, pouting. "And anyway no less than you are…" she protested and rolled on the other side, giving her back to him and pulling up the conditioner to cover her body. Derek smiled for her childish behavior and touched her shoulder.

"Meredith… I was just taking fun of you. You know I'm a dirty mind myself" he kissed her shoulder blade and stroke her side through the sheets. "But I loved this… it was amazing and mind blowing and we don't need to do crazy things to enjoy our love making. Actually… I think it has never been as good as now"

He heard her breathing out and smiled, she felt the same too only she was playing the mad girl, he needed to sweeten her a little bit again. "We'll go back to experiencing, I promise. But… the bendy thing… it's just out of our league now… you were thinking about doing it, weren't you?" he asked, keeping massaging her. After some second Meredith turned around, falling on her back and looking to him, a small smile stretching her lips.

"I was just imagining how we could do that with that huge paunch of mine…" she admitted rolling her eyes and Derek smiled, finding her adorable.

"We would risk to get stuck somewhere in the process…" he giggled.

"And go to the ER to get them untangle us" she said grimacing, remembering the couple she had treated years before, stuck in an awkward position while making secret and forbidden sex together.

"Our careers would end there…. Even if it would be a great way to say goodbye" he added laughing, kissing her forehead.

"Yeah… like if we hadn't our asses in the public display too much already…"

"Not to piss you off again but… it was mostly yours. And your panties" he added amused and Meredith sighed.

"Well… I will give more show in some days… who cares" she said yawning and Derek smiled, stroking her hair.

"Do you want me to go downstairs to take your cheesecake?" he offered.

"No… I'm fine, thank you. Do you think we can sleep here?" she asked biting her lip.

"Of course, that's our house, Mer. You'll have your cake for breakfast"

"Sounds good…" she mumbled yawning again.

"Sleep now"

Derek leant in to kiss her quickly but Meredith kept him in place and deepened the contact, her tongue stroking his mouth sensually. They parted and Derek smiled, locking eyes with her. "What was that for?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"It's for I love you" she said smiling "and you made this perfect thing for me and our family" she waved her hand towards the room, enlightened by the dim light provided by the moon "and you make me feel special even when you make love to me and I can do nothing but take" she muttered shyly, her hand caressing his side and moving down to stop on his hip, her fingers grazing his ass. "I want to do something for you too"

"You can do that…" Derek said gently, his eyes sparkling and Meredith misread his words. Her hand moved slowly across his waist but, when her fingers tickled the coarse hairs on his belly and Derek got her intentions, he stopped her, bringing her hand on his heart "I didn't meant that"

"No?" she asked, confused and surprised. Derek never refused her attentions, especially when she wanted to please him and bring him into a parallel world.

"I love when you touch me, I love when you make love to me" he said, kissing her "but you already did, Meredith. I really meant it when I said it was mind blowing. You caressed me, you touched me, you hugged me. I felt home and it felt… amazing" he stroke her chin smiling and felt her relaxing in his touch. "There's just one thing I want now…"

"What is it?" she asked, playing with the hair on his chest absent minded. Derek didn't answer, he just smiled and rolled on his back, fumbling in the dark to look for something on his nightstand. "Derek?" Meredith asked confused but he didn't say anything. A quick red light pulsed in the darkness and a muffled buzz caught Meredith's attention. She looked around to get the source of the noise but she didn't find it. Derek's fingers made her face turn into his direction.

"Look up, Mer… that's our window on the sky"

She had her private sky right in front of her. She had never decided who won that battle: sky or sea? Which of these two infinite elements was more worthy… deserved better to describe Derek's eyes? The sky sounded more peaceful, it was everywhere, like a big bell to protect you from everything. It could be utterly blue, it could be stormy, but it was there. Night and day, every season, every day, every breath. The ocean looked a bit more frightful to her, after it had risked to swallow her, after she had allowed it to almost swallow her. But Derek had been stronger than her, than the ocean itself. He had the same force, the same strength, the same deepness. But no… thinking of it, the sky was definitely the best pick. She got lost into it and she was rewarded by light blue gazing at her, her heart skipped a beat and she smiled, following his strange request. She rolled on her back and her mouth fell agape.

"Derek…" she murmured, her eyes tuning bright stars shining in the darkness. A part of the roof had retrieved and upon their heads, their bed, there was a giant window, allowing them to see the marvel of the universe.

"Now hug me…" Derek's low and sweet voice murmured her "that's what you can do for me… from now on"

Meredith rolled on her side, facing him. Her hand moved to his cheek, drawing soothing circles. Derek moved his body closer, their legs mangled and his hands landed on her belly. "Are you comfortable?" he asked, his eyes closed, his voice already altered by sleep claiming him.

"Perfectly…" she kissed his forehead and smiled seeing his lips twitching up. His breath evened and Meredith realized he had fallen asleep, worn out. She sent a last glare to the sky and smiled herself.

This was definitely her land and house too.

* * *

_It's amazing what a little space can show you._

_A wish, a dream, a path to follow._

_A light to lead you home._

_You close your eyes and there you go… _

_Everything comes back to its place._

_You feel motivated, confident, a part of something._

_Not in a black alley anymore… but in a magnificent room with a view._

* * *

I hope you liked it as I do... very much.

It was exciting to put bad stuff behind my back and writing this wonderful and totally MerDer experience.

I hope you appreciated their interaction, the lightness, the teasing, the intimacy.

I'm not good in describing hot scenes but I did my best.

Wait for reviews (even if short, even if two words... just send it!)


	54. THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP

I know I had you wait too much.

I've just been thinking a lot lately, about my fics.

A lot of people look at them, a lot of people read. But almost nobody is reviewing.

So, first, I want to thank my (few) loyal followers. You always spend two minutes to send me an opinion, a critique and I really appreciate it.

For the others... I want to share this teaching.

Last day of college, my philosophy teacher gave us a wonderful speech. Here's the recap:

No matter what you'll do in your life, no matter which job you'll choose or you'll be able to do; what really matters is that you put your heart in it, that you put people first. Be generous with yourself.

So guys, that's what I want to say.

Almost 500 people are reading this but I get 5 reviews (and the same with WHYSAN).

Be generous with your opinions and let me know what you think!

I write as I like it, but I share to have comments, bad and good.

* * *

_Friendship is like a yo-yo._

_It brings you as close to another person as you can be. _

_But it can push you far away, in a blink._

_That's because we put higher expectations in the people we love._

_We don't accept failures, we don't accept mistakes._

_And when it happens we go in denial, we put everything in discussion._

_We watch the disks slip down the string… and we don't know if we want it to wind up._

* * *

Meredith opened her eyes, her arm stretched lazily upon her head on the pillow. For a moment she felt confused, not recognizing the surrounding room and house.

Then it all came back to her.

This was her house, their house; she smiled remembering the previous evening: the dinner, the visit, the romance, the cuddling under their brand new covers. She rolled on her side to look for Derek and frowned realizing his side of the bed was empty. She propped herself up on one elbow and looked around, stroking her scalp and yawning.

"Derek" she called out.

Nobody answered and her voice pealed through the house. She snorted and pushed her legs out of the bed "you're better not to be out fishing somewhere..." she muttered under her breath, wearing her nightgown and entering the bathroom.

The window was open and the air chilly. She closed it, admiring the view through the glass, her nose touching the cold surface.

"You're up" Derek's voice sounded behind her back and she turned around, seeing him leaning against the doorframe. He was wearing just his black jeans, his hair was still tousled, sign he hadn't woken up much before. He was barefoot and shirtless, a light beard peppered his cheeks and Meredith smiled to him.

"Yeah... I opened my eyes and realized you were gone" she pouted and Derek giggled, closing the space between the two of them. He took her face in his hands and caressed her tenderly.

"I'm sorry... I just wanted to let you sleep" he said quietly, his breath fanning her face and flushing her skin. Meredith got almost lost in his blue hypnotic eyes. "And I wanted to cook you a royal breakfast"

"Really?" she asked, biting her lip, her eyes sparkling in excitement.

"Yes" he smirked " and I see the topic appeals you more than your half naked husband"

"I'm just hungry" she mumbled innocently and her stomach chose that moment to protest and confirm her assessment. Derek looked down to her belly arching his brow and Meredith smiled "see?"

"Ok" he nodded, kissing the top of her head "you do what you needed to do and I'll go downstairs to collect our food, ok?"

"Ok"

Derek patted her bump and left, providing Meredith a full look of his amazing back side. She snorted and waved her hands in front of her face to produce an artificial wind, she really needed to cool down.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed, feeling her face flushing. Her whole body was boiling and she opened the window, trying to catch some fresh air. She closed her eyes, the noise of the wind rushing and moving the top of the trees relaxed her and she felt better.

"Meredith?"

"Still in the bathroom..." she answered. She heard a thud when the tray landed on a nightstand and then feet patting on the floor. She was still trying to catch her breath when a warm arm sneaked around her waist and Derek pulled her back against his chest.

"Are you ok?" he whispered in her ear, his voice soft and concerned.

"I think I'm going to menopause"

"What?" he asked giggling and flipping her to face him "you're pregnant, Mer. You can't be in menopause"

"How do you explain this then?" she spat, hitting his chest and pointing to her cleavage, still red and blushed.

"Well..." Derek trailed off, giving her body an appreciative look "your pressure is probably a bit high, Mer. It's normal"

"No, it's not" she scorned, storming out of the room, trying to close her gown in front of her chest "I feel like I'm busting" she breathed out, collapsing onto the bed.

"Hey..." Derek said gently, sitting beside her and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear "take it easy, Mer" she rolled her eyes but he continued "you're due in a couple of weeks and your body is preparing to the big event. I know it can be uncomfortable but... There's nothing wrong with you"

"I just feel..." she stopped and looked away, ashamed of what she was going to say. Derek took her chin and turned her face gently, their eyes locking, his fingers petting her cheeks delicately.

"I feel the same, Mer. And I'm not nine months pregnant" he whispered, his nose and forehead touching hers.

"Really?" she asked shyly, reading the answer in his gaze but needing to hear those words said out loud.

"Really..." he said. "Call it passion... Call it you're too damned sexy... Call it we lost a lot of time lately... I just want to kiss you all the time"

"Kiss me..." she repeated, her eyes closed, her mouth searching his.

"Kiss you" he mumbled. His palm slipped behind her neck and he pulled her closer. His lips found hers and a little moan of pleasure left her body. Meredith's hands circled his waist and she melted in the feeling of his naked, warm skin under her fingertips. Derek pulled back and smiled to her "kiss you and a lot of other stuff, Mer"

"I love the other stuff" she said caressing his shoulders, her eyes focusing on his hair "and I really love the sex hair"

"Sex hair?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in surprise "I thought I had arranged it this morning"

"Probably you did but..." she chuckled, her fingers moving in his curls "it was not enough"

"I'll deal with it later... Now I just want to take care of you and be sure you're fine"

"I'm now" she breathed out "the hot flush passed... I'm good"

Derek stood and approached her nightstand, picking up a small tube of pills and shaking it. Meredith's face fell as he looked to her in disappointment.

"According to your gyn's prescription... this should be over, Mer"

"Well I guess I forgot to take it some morning" she said rolling her eyes and adjusting her back against the headboard. She settled the pillows and sank against them, avoiding Derek's stare.

"And this could be probably the reason why you're so tired. And why your hormones are dancing all day" he said quietly, sitting beside her. Meredith was stubbornly avoiding his eyes and Derek smiled, tilting his head to the side "I know you don't want me to hover"

"So don't do it" she spat, her eyes down on her lap.

"I just want you to feel good and relaxed, Meredith. And I'm just scared you're stressing yourself too much"

"I'm fine" she said, finally looking up. "I forgot my vitamins twice... It's not the end of the world"

"Ok" he acknowledged smiling. He stood and rounded the bed, picking up the tray and lying beside her. "I hope this didn't turn cold" he said, itching his finger in the pancake and sucking the marmalade off it. He looked up and saw Meredith looking thunderstruck to him. "What?" he asked innocently.

"You're an ass" she said bitterly, closing her arms across her chest and trying to focus on the furniture, her temperature starting to raise all over again.

"What?" Derek asked, his mouth agape. "What's wrong with you?" he added, amused by her temperamental behavior.

"You're trying to sex me up all over again" she muttered quietly, starting to bite her lower lip at the end of the sentence "so much of relaxing me…"

"Mer… I didn't. I just wanted to check our breakfast!" he protested, trying to control his hilarity.

"Yes… sticking your finger in it and licking it all in the sexiest way ever…" she pouted, moving ahead and stripping down to her silk slip. "Why is it so hot in here?" she mumbled, trying to get rid of the garment which had entangled around her wrist.

"As you're stressed out …" he said helping her out of the sleeve. "And I didn't mean to turn you on…"

"Lucky me… imagine if you did want to turn me on. I'd be on fire right now" she said, blowing some hair away from her mouth. "So… can I still eat that?" she asked, pointing to the rich plate Derek had prepared for her.

"Of course" he said pushing the tray towards her "Choose whatever you want. I'll go with the rest"

"Ok" she said, stroking her chin thoughtfully. Derek couldn't help but smile seeing the cute expression on her face. Meredith was really living a dilemma in front of the variety of food he had set on the tray: pancakes, cheesecake, milk, cereals, cheese, fruit. He could almost hear her brain working to make the choice.

"Mer…" he prodded her.

"I just don't know where to start from…" she pouted, unable to decide.

"Ok…" Derek smiled, picking up a strawberry and placing it into his mouth. Meredith's eyes narrowed at the sight of his jaw moving and chewing the sappy fruit "not so bad" he stated, grabbing another strawberry and swallowing it. "You know… I found this fruit seller three blocks from the hospital… he always has fresh stuff… it's amazing"

"I see" she said with poor enthusiasm while Derek continued serving himself.

"I was thinking to settle a vegetable garden somewhere…"

"A what?" Meredith almost yelled, looking down to her husband.

"A vegetable garden…" he repeated, smiling "you know apple… pear trees… tomatoes, salad … My mother used to have one behind our house in Manhattan and… I learnt to manage it… to grow trees and everything. What do you think?" he asked winking.

"I think you're going crazy with this land owner thing..." she said rolling her eyes and finally picking up a pancake "we're going to have a baby, Derek. Probably two babies. Sleepless nights and exhausting days... Do you really think you can grow stuff in the garden?"

"Well... It could be fun" he smiled, looking up to her.

"Like you want" she breathed out, chewing her breakfast "but just to be clear... I don't even want to know when you place that stuff"

"Ok..."

"And I won't accept tiredness as an excuse not to have sex with me" she stated firmly, pointing a finger to his chest.

"When did it happen that I didn't want to have sex with you?" he asked amused, watching her eating.

"Well... I don't remember. But there's gonna be a first time to everything so... Just to be clear... I tell you" she said licking her fingers and attacking an apple.

"Ok..." he smiled, straightening up and kissing her cheek. "It's better I dress up now"

He stood and Meredith watched him marching into his closet. He came out seconds later wearing a shirt, a pair of socks in his fingers. "What time are you on?" he asked, adjusting his clothes.

"2 p.m. ... It's my last day" she said breathing out and Derek got she was worried and nervous about the idea. He sat by her side on the bed and brushed her cheek quietly.

"We'll make it special, ok?" he muttered, locking eyes with her.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing" he shrugged "I'll put you on my service and we'll have surgery together"

"Really?" she inquired, her eyes narrowing in hope and excitement.

"Really..." he kissed her cheek "I have nothing scheduled so... I can't promise you anything fancy but... We'll find something"

"Ok" she breathed out, thankful. The idea not to spend the whole day in the pit or in the clinic appealed her a lot.

"Then I'll wait for you and we'll drive home together..." he whispered close to her ear.

"Mmm"

"I'll cook you dinner and there will be a lot of cuddling" his nose touched her neck and Meredith shivered.

"Is that all?" she prodded him, her voice low and sensual. Her eyes met his gaze and she saw the mischievous spark, his Adam's apple rolled in his throat and Meredith got lost in his perfect features.

"We'll see" he said, a promise lingering in his tone. His cell beeped and they both straightened up. Derek took it out of his back pocket and scrolled to read the message. There was no reaction on his face and Meredith prodded him.

"Our shiny case?" she asked, careful to his reaction.

"No..." he breathed out to collect himself and then gave her a small smile "Janet asked me an appointment in the late morning to discuss my papers"

"Oh" Meredith backed against the bed, worry raising in the pit of her stomach. "Just you?" she asked. Derek took her hand and their fingers interlocked.

"Yeah... She said she wanted to meet us separately, you remember?"

"I do..."

Derek leant in and kissed her.

"It's going to be fine, Mer" he said caressing her cheek. "See you at the hospital after lunch?"

"Ok" she smiled. Her face was tensed thought, Derek could see the news of his interview had clouded her spirit. He wanted to stop and reassure her, but the truth was that he was nervous himself. He didn't know how deep Janet would dig into his life and he was feeling the pressure.

"It's fine to be nervous, Mer. I'm too" he offered, smiling seeing her relaxing a bit.

"You'll do great..." she tapped his face "Now go... I'll eat my ass off before coming" she said picking up a sandwich and biting it. Derek giggled and stood.

"I'll call you in an hour or so..." he said picking up his briefcase from the floor "just in case you fall asleep on that five people breakfast"

"This is just a snack, Derek" she purred, chewing a slice of bread energetically.

"Enjoy it... I love you" he added before leaving.

* * *

Owen was sitting at his desk, his messy and overwhelmed with papers desk. Someone knocked and he gave his permission to come in without even asking who the visitor, or the disturber seeing the choice of timing, was.

"Chief Hunt..."

He chuckled recognizing Cristina's voice and straightened up against the backrest of his chair.

"Good morning" he greeted her standing and rounding the desk to hug her "Did you sleep well?" he asked, circling her waist with both hands.

"More or less" she muttered, locking eyes with him. Owen frowned and Cristina rolled her eyes. "You talked all night long..."

"I don't talk in my sleep" he protested, tilting his head to the side.

"You do" she insisted. "I didn't get much of your speech as I was too groggy but... You were mumbling something about budgets and financial crap"

"You're taking fun of me" Owen offered, silently hoping the stress he had been feeling in the last days hadn't really affected his sleep.

"I'm not" Cristina argued back, smiling noticing Owen's awkwardness. "I had to kick you several times to shut you up"

"Kick me?" he asked, his lips twitching upwards.

"Kick you... Very hard" she added winking "I'd be surprised if I didn't leave any sign on your calf" she arched her brows quizzically and Owen read her request.

"Well... I was actually a little bit sore this morning and... found a bruise right over my ankle but..." he stuttered, trying to order his ideas "I just thought it was the long surgery I had performed in the morning"

"To give you bruises?" Cristina giggled "To be a trauma guy you have considerable confusion about traumatic injuries and muscular stress" Owen giggled, massaging his neck, and Cristina went on teasing him. "Unless..." she trailed off, licking her lip and smiling, pausing to create the proper suspense.

"What?"

"Unless some hot nurse played footsie with you during surgery..." she winked, snaking her arm around his waist and patting his abdomen "and you thought you knew what the bruise was about" she looked up to him mischievously and Owen grinned "so... Getting the perks of being chief already?"

"No" he tilted his head and kissed her lips quickly "I have no mistress around the hospital, don't worry"

"I'm not worried"

"And you're too much to handle already..." he added smiling.

"Light weight..." she joked, hitting his chest playfully and taking a careful look to his desk "You know... I get the reason of your nightmares now" she said sinking her hands in the lab-coat pockets and circling the desk to get a better view "you're drowning in papers here"

"Yeah" he breathed out, stroking his eyes tiredly "I just don't know where to start from to read this crap and... The more I wait the worse it gets"

"I see" she muttered, her eyes narrowing reading something about safety procedures and federal sanitarian protocols "you're building yourself a culture here"

"I'm surely working on it..." Owen rounded the table and sat on the edge, placing himself between Cristina and the papers. She was standing between his legs and he pulled her towards him "So am I forgiven for the rough night?"

"You're... Just as I would go nuts if I had to read this stuff instead of cutting... It must be hard"

"I'll come to terms with it..." he said breathing out "I guess it's just the beginning... Then it will go better"

"We'll see" she said, passing her palm in his scalp "Your hair is getting long"

"I know... I just couldn't find the time to go and cut it off" he said stroking his cheeks "I barely shaved this morning..."

"You look good anyway" she said smirking, sensing short and bristly hairs beneath her fingertips "you're a hot Chief"

"Thank you but... I don't think the Board hired me to look hot... and this brings me back to my duties" he muttered sitting in his chair and looking down to make order in the documents. "Have you some good case?"

"No" she breathed out, circling the table and standing in front of him "Altman waits for me in a couple of hours but... till then I'm on post ops" she shrugged, picking her cell out of her scrub pants and taping a message.

"This is Meredith's last day, isn't it?" Owen asked looking at her.

"It is" Cristina confirmed "and this is her..." she added, her eyes never leaving the screen and the little keyboard.

"Everything is ok?" he asked concerned, perfectly remembering Derek and the way the previous day had finished.

"Heavenly apparently..." Cristina said putting her phone back in place "Shepherd show her the new house in the woods and she's enthusiastic"

"Really?" Owen asked arching his brow "Have you ever been there?"

"No... Not yet. But Meredith says I have my own room" she added smirking, leaving Owen stunned.

"Your what?" he frowned.

"My room..." she said smugly, leaning across his desk and teasing his nose "with a private bathroom and a private closet"

"Stunning" Owen remarked, relaxing on his seat.

"And a two size bed just for me..."

"Uhm"

"No nasty boyfriends to keep me awake in the middle of the night chatting" she suggested, tracing her finger on his mouth.

"No boyfriend at all..." Owen answered grinning "and a newborn soon as roommate"

Cristina straightened up, stroking her chin absent minded.

"I hadn't considered that..." she muttered under her breath.

"See?" Owen said relaxing in his chair "this boyfriend has still his perks..." he added smugly but Cristina froze him.

"I wasn't talking about that!"

"Excuse me?" Owen stammered, amused.

"I need to make sure Shepherd sound proved the walls" she said turning on her heels "and I think I'm doing it now" she said waving her hand to greet him and disappearing. Owen chuckled when the door shut closed, he followed her silhouette while she crossed the catwalk walking like a leopard in the jungle. Flawless, in control, confident, her head high.

With this image still in his brain, he tried to focus on his documents but the peace and quiet were short lived as someone else had thought to pay him a visit.

"What now..." he coursed under his breath rubbing his temples "Come in" he called out raising his head and welcoming Richard into the office.

"Hunt..." Richard greeted him closing the door behind his back.

"Webber... What can I do for you?" Owen asked, sighing pushing the papers aside. There was no way he could go through all that stuff by the end of the day. Richard sat in front of him, his fingers playing with the hem of his coat nervously.

"Well…" he started, his eyes darting across the room "I think I cut our conversation prematurely yesterday…" his eyes bored into Owen's and Webber cleared his throat "I think you were right about the idea of doing something. Even if I don't know what you were talking about" he offered.

"I had nothing prepared, Richard. Really…" he answered, rolling his fingers lazily "I just thought we could deal with it in some way… I don't know which but… something" he added, reading confusion on the former Chief's face. "Ok… I probably wasn't that clear…" he stuttered.

"Not really" Richard smiled, waiting for Hunt to take the lead of the conversation.

"Well…" Owen started, fumbling with the papers on his desk and moving folders aside "I read somewhere that… when a violation occurs or we have to deal with a case which raises problems or complains, you used to organize a meeting… a conference"

"That's correct… that's what the inner protocol suggests" he confirmed, moving his chin and pointing to a big, orange dossier resting on the corner of the desk, buried under a pile of surgical reports. Owen pulled it out snorting and noticed a little colored bookmark poking out of the pages. He flipped the folder open and read what had caught his attention.

"We could organize one…" Hunt's eyes moved up, focusing on Richard "let Shepherd explain what happened. Let him give his reasons and explications, let you give yours, let the others understand Meredith's position. Especially after what happened yesterday" he offered softly, perfectly knowing what he was suggesting would difficultly meet his agreement and approval.

"So you're basically asking me to spread news about my private life… is it correct?" Webber asked, his eyes boring into his.

Hunt sighed, he had to admit the perspective didn't look so appealing. But Webber's recap had been inaccurate and his last purpose was to dig into the private lives of his co-workers.

"It's not really that, Webber" he said, shifting his weight on the chair "but we can't deny something happened and this something changed everything in here. Now… I don't know how we can deal with your wife's disease, if we can deal with it, but I think we have to explain what happened to Shepherd's trial, why he was blackmailed, why he stepped down, why Meredith came back. Not to everybody… just the heads of the departments"

"The people who were fighting Derek and Meredith" Richard finished for him.

"Mostly…" Owen admitted, taking a deep breath.

"What does Derek think about this?" Richard asked.

"I haven't really told him yet, Webber" he admitted truthfully. "I just wanted to know what you thought about this before telling him… He lived rough days… this is a delicate situation and I don't want to stress things more"

"I understand but… I'm not so sure he'll go with this" he said frankly. "Anyway you're right… we need to do something…"

"And I'm ready to accept suggestions if you have any…" Owen said opening his arms. "I know it's a mess and… I just want to find the best way to deal with it"

"We all do" Richard mumbled, looking out of the window.

"How is your wife by the way?" Hunt asked quietly. He wasn't that close to Richard but the scene he had witnessed allowed him to make that question, gave him the chance to be concerned without being nosy or impudent.

"Fine… she doesn't remember anything of what she said or did and…" he breathed out "I just don't know if she ever will"

"Maybe it's better like this" Owen offered, realizing she would be ashamed to say it mild.

"Probably… I'm just scared she would repeat the same scene all over again" he admitted smiling bitterly. "And last thing I want is to expose her and others to this eventuality" he muttered lowering his eyes.

Owen took in a deep breath sensing Webber's awkwardness. This situation had really changed and crushed the man he had learnt to know in the last year. It felt bad, it was painful, and he was sure the hospital staff could be much more supportive if given the chance.

"You know, Webber…" he said straightening up, his forearm splayed on the desk and his fingers started to play with a pen, abandoned there "Adele is sick and that's the only thing you need to worry about. The rest… the people working here, even Derek and Meredith, shouldn't be of your concern right now. They love you, they respect you. Nothing will never change this. On the contrary… I know it's difficult but you have to start to consider your wife as a sick woman, who sometimes loses control, who sometimes loses touch of reality. Nobody will blame her or you for this. You shouldn't do either"

"I don't, actually" he said breathing out, raising his eyes "it's just that everything happened so fast… I wasn't ready. I let emotions slip in and I made a mess. I let others pay for me, I let others risk for me. And you're right… it's time everybody knows that"

"I don't want you to make public amend, Webber. This is not really my purpose" Owen said gently "Nobody here is in the position to judge"

Richard silenced briefly, his eyes darted across the room and then he chuckled, raising Owen's curiousness.

"Do you remember the lecture Derek organized me?" Webber asked, a small smile stretching on his lips.

"Of course I do" Owen admitted, a strong emotion and warmth spreading in his heart at the memory "it was one of the most touching thing I've ever witnessed and…" he trailed off "it's still ringing in my head"

"It's what Derek wanted, you know" Richard said smiling, breathing out. "I was going to leave and he found the only way to stop me. He made me feel part of this hospital again, he made me feel wanted and important and… I just couldn't leave"

Owen swallowed, getting another piece of the strange and complicated relationship that bound these two men. Father to son, friend to friend, boss to employee, sometimes enemy to enemy. All in once. All overwhelming and powerful. They really knew each other and their destinies seemed to melt and crush in impossible ways.

Derek had pushed Richard off the cliff reporting him. It had taken away his career and job but, now Hunt really understood, ambition hadn't been the force arming his hand. Not the primary force, anyway. It was a mix of feelings, the need to do something after several trials had failed. And after the spats, the fights, the upsetting and difficult situation he had put himself into, appearing as the usurper, after the rage and regret Richard had reversed on him, Derek had found the way to show him the target, to show him the affection and sympathy he could earn back.

"It was amazing, Webber. I'm not very fond of words and speeches but… it really struck me"

"That was the purpose, I guess" he nodded thoughtful "and in the end we all renewed the oath" he looked up, a flash of sadness crossing her features "I betrayed that judgment" he said casting his yes down.

"Excuse me?" Owen inquired, frowning.

A bad feeling spread in his chest when Webber looked at him, a bad sensation. The former chief looked pretty upset.

"Last time I told you about an extraordinary case… I found myself facing a new, horrible disease I didn't know how to treat, how to face, I didn't even know how to call it. But I had taken an oath and I wanted to honor it. This time things went in the opposite way and I should be ashamed to talk to other doctors"

"Webber…" Owen tried to stop him but Richard cut him off.

"This time I knew what I was facing, I knew the rules… I helped to make those rules myself so… I think I disregarded everything I had tried to defense in my life …"

"I think you're being too harsh with yourself. And I also think that people here don't want to make justice or punish you for what happened. They just want to know… and we should satisfy this desire… It would help everyone I guess…"

"Mmm…" Richard mumbled, backing against his chair, his fingers playing in his lap "I'm not that sure Derek will accept to explain himself and his choices in front of everyone… and I'm not so sure we should go behind his back with this" Webber added knowingly.

"I'll talk to him, Richard. No surprises here. I want to give this a proper closure not to bother someone…"

"Right…" Richard nodded and stood, giving Hunt a small smile "Let me know when you get it covered"

"I will" Owen smiled, his eyes moving down on his abandoned papers, a sigh escaping his mouth.

"I leave you to your documents and… that stays between the two of us… I don't miss it a bit" he winked at Owen and the younger doctor chuckled.

"Yeah… see you in half an hour at the morning briefing?" Owen asked, straightening his tie.

"Of course, chief"

* * *

It was time Derek didn't use his private office as locker room.

Several months, actually.

It was one of Dr. Wyatt's prescriptions.

"_So what do you think I should do?" he asked, rubbing his temples to relieve the pressure in his brain. _

"_I don't have all answers, Derek" the shrink answered, playing with a frame on her desk. "And the answers I feed to most of my patients could not be recommended for you"_

"_I think I can take that risk…" he muttered, opening his eyes and staring at the rain falling profusely. He pinched his nose, trying to relax, but it didn't help. Somehow Dr. Wyatt always reduced him into an emotional wreck. _

"_But I can't, Derek" she retorted quickly, piercing him with a sharp gaze which almost had him flinch on the couch. "Your stress is developing in unexpected ways. And I'm not a wizard or a cheap doctor who will offer you a placebo not to get involved in the great mess. I think you wouldn't appreciate me if I did. Would you?"_

"_No" Derek admitted quietly, feeling nauseous at the perspective of the new, incessant questioning dr. Wyatt was going to invest him with. _

"_Fine… since we agree… I want you to tell me which are your concerns about going back doing your job" she asked, her voice calm and firm. _

_Unfortunately Derek wasn't nursing the same feelings at the moment. He had agreed to go in therapy, he liked Dr. Wyatt, he had survived a lot of sessions up to now, but he really couldn't get rid of the sense of violation, violence, constriction which was flowing in his veins even now. He sighed, opening his eyes and observing the minimal furniture adorning the shrink's study. It had probably been organized not to distract the patient, not to give the patient reasons of distraction. If you had accepted to go counseling, you needed to answer, no matter how hard and complicated the question was._

_He heard a dull noise coming from the corner of the room and his gaze moved there. Dr. Wyatt was tapping her fingers on the desk, looking at him, cautiously but intensely. It was the last warning and Derek braced himself to reveal her more of his fears._

"_What if I can't stand the sight of blood anymore?" he asked, more to himself that to her. His fingertips rubbed his lips lazily and then he closes his eyes, trying to fight a wave of nausea._

"_Good point… actually I can't really understand how you can do your job without throwing up every time… but… you said you wouldn't be facing hard cases at the beginning. Just paper work… teaching"_

"_What if they need a consult in the pit or in the OR?" he said, locking eyes with her "What if I freak out?"_

"_Then you'll know" dr. Wyatt added softly, getting his worries "You know, Derek, unfortunately there is no safety, no certainty after the trauma you experienced. You could be bothered or you could not, you could be scared all the time and you could not. We can't know if you don't leap"_

"_That's not really relaxing, don't you think?" he mumbled, shifting on the couch._

"_At all" Dr. Wyatt asserted, standing and approaching him "but it's what we've got and what we need to work on" she sat beside him and Derek looked up when the pillows gave in under her weight "I can't give you answers… unfortunately I can't. I just can try to give you tools to process your emotions, to hold them in control, to let you understand when it's better to let them slip in. But there's no plot here, Derek. You need to be true to me and I'm happy you are… even if it means you're questioning the possibility to go back to your life and profession"_

"_It wouldn't make sense if I came here and lied to you… or just hid stuff" Derek admitted almost helplessly. He hated being in therapy, but he had agreed to it and there was no point in shuffling the cards._

"_I'm happy to hear that... you know, there was a time I wouldn't have given this as assumed"_

"_Excuse me?" Derek asked stunned. Somehow he had fooled himself he could hide and dissimulate better than this._

"_It was clear, Derek. You only started to trust me a couple of sessions ago" he looked away, ashamed, but Dr. Wyatt didn't look bothered, at all "It's fine. You needed to weight me and, more than that, you needed to really acquire the awareness you need this. Now you know… it won't be easier but it will feel more natural and less awkward"_

"_If you say so" he breathed out, massaging his thighs in order to busy his hands._

"_I do… So now… let's go ahead. There are a lot of things you need to face blindly, Derek. Will you be scared of blood? I don't know. Let's try it. But there must be others things we can work on…" she offered. Derek felt her eyes burning his skin and snorted. _

"_I'm scared when I have a lot of people around… I feel trapped and… I don't know" he sighed and waited for the shrink's medicine._

"_Is it when you're among strangers or it happens even if you know the people around you?"_

_Derek opened his mouth to answer, but he stopped realizing the sentence he was going to utter was not completely accurate. He didn't know what to say actually. He had never tried to isolate the two eventualities. _

"_I just… I've never analyzed the two things separately" he admitted quietly._

"_Why not?"_

"_Well… I work in a hospital. People come and go everywhere. I was… I'm scared, that's all"_

"_What if you are in a room with your colleagues? Are you scared?" she asked and Derek surprised himself not knowing the answer. _

"_I don't know. It has never happened up to now"_

"_Where do you change in the morning?" Dr. Wyatt enquired, locking eyes with him._

"_In my office. It's… it's just me there" _

"_Oh… you have a fancy, private office. I didn't know that…" she said, trying to lighten the mood and Derek chuckled._

"_It's everything but fancy. It's a four square meters room with a private bathroom. No windows"_

_The shrink flinched at his description, a grimace of disgust painted her face._

"_And how can you use it without being claustrophobic?" she asked, arching her brows._

"_I like the quiet, the privacy. If you had seen the attending lounge, you wouldn't be surprised I prefer my little office" he chuckled._

"_Probably… but… since we're trying to understand how you react to people and crowded places, I think you should leave your warm cocoon and jump into the lounge again" she suggested. Derek squirmed on the leather but she didn't bail. "See how you feel in a known place, with friendly people surrounding you"_

_Derek didn't say anything, his eyes rested on her and Dr. Wyatt got he was trying to find his way out of that. _

"_It's a training, Derek. See how you feel. Sometimes you just need to re-educate yourself to be a social animal… Share spaces, share rooms. Being on your own won't help you to feel comfortable among others again"_

_She smiled to him and stood, circling her desk and sitting behind it. She put on her glasses and scribbled something on his file, leaving Derek in his own thoughts. Usually this was the sign of the end of the session. And Derek didn't lose time to say hi and disappear, but this time it was different, it was like he was fearing the homework she had assigned him. She set her pen down and looked to him from above her glasses._

"_Everything is fine?" _

"_Yeah" he breathed out, standing. He straightened and adjusted his jeans, his demeanor didn't express calmness though. _

"_I know leaving an airy and bright office for a petty one can be hard sometimes…" she joked, raising Derek's amusement. She watched the smile fading from his face and got serious herself. Maybe she had pushed him too much. "Take your time with this, Derek. If you're not ready today, it will be tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow"_

"_Or the day after or the after after again" he muttered, raising his eyes to meet hers. There was something strange and new in his look. Dr. Wyatt saw it flickering briefly and then disappearing. For the first time, she had difficulties to place the feeling, to classify it. It was a mixture of a lot of things. Usually dr. Shepherd's eyes were more eloquent than his tongue, this time they hadn't been her alleys completely. _

"_Rushing you into things could make more damage than good in this moment" the shrink explained gently._

"_I know… but we need to find a compromise between my never and your now" he breathed out, walking towards the exit. He gripped the knob and pulled the door open. The noises and lights of the hospital hallway invested him and he flinched, surprised in an unpleasant way. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. _

"_I think I'll make this my office when I become Chief" he said, his lids still closed, his forehead leaning against the wooden surface._

"_That would be mean…" Wyatt commented. "My fishes would die without light" she eyed her bubbly fish tank, arching her brows._

"_I'll keep the fishes… Might even put some trout in there" he said closing the door behind his back._

The plunge into the promiscuous and overcrowded lounge had been rough. Derek remembered he had spent the first days flinching at every little noise, hiss, squeak. Then the awkwardness had disappeared and he had found it natural to keep dressing and undressing there. Till today.

It was not for the aftermath of the fight with his colleagues. It was more to avoid curious glances and embarrassing questions about Adele and her outburst. If they wanted to know, they had at least to find the nerve and ask him openly.

He tossed his sweater and shirt on the chair in the corner of his office. He pulled up his pants and socks, scattered on the floor, and hang them on the backrest. That wasn't a rack but it was better than leaving everything on the ground. A sudden thought crossed his mind and he sighed. Janet was supposed to meet him in the cafeteria but, seriously, he couldn't think they would talk and discuss an adoption there. What if she wanted to retire in the private of his office? He took a look around. It was seriously not an option. His desk was covered in papers and documents. All the three chairs were swamped with stuff. Books, clothes, magazines. He really needed to use an hour or so to make order in that mess. That wasn't the moment but he needed to find a spot in his busy schedule. He had never been that disordered before. He raked a hand in his hair and picked up the folder Janet had given him. He left the room before the guilt prevailed and he started to fix the confusion. He looked down to his wristwatch quickly, he still had fifteen minutes before the attending meeting with Hunt. There was no time to head to the cafeteria, at this time it was overcrowded with doctors who wanted to have a proper breakfast after the night shift. The attending lounge was off limits for the same reasons he had avoided it before. He rounded the corner and breathed out realizing the vending machine was desert and so was the surrounding area. He fished a coin out of his labcoat and inserted it, pressing on the black coffee selection. After some second a whistle warned him his drink was ready and fuming. Derek picked it up and sank in the most remote arm chair, careful to hide from the passing by doctors and nurses. He smelled the fragrance and relaxed, opening the folder on his knees. His legs stretched lazily under the little table. It wasn't a put together position but he didn't care. The steamy night with Meredith had left signs and remnants in his body. His muscles ached, his back ached, but his lips twitched upwards reliving the moments they had spent together and the funny moments of their breakfast. Meredith had liked the house, he was sure. She had been positively impressed and surprised and a heavy weight had been relieved from his stomach. Probably she would suggest some change but the general impression had been good and Derek couldn't wait to move all their stuff there. Unfortunately, he knew it was probably wiser to wait after the baby was born. The house was too far from the civil world and Meredith couldn't wait there to go in labor, it would get too much time to reach the hospital. The problem was that Derek hadn't told her yet, the reveal would probably take place in the evening, after their shift, so he had all the day to prepare her and sweeten the pill.

He took a sip of his coffee and his eyes focused on the questions he had answered the day before. Janet was right, it was a mix of everything a person would want to know to get in touch with you. Spacing from general stuff to very personal and private information. His pen had stopped abruptly on the lines he was supposed to talk, better write, about his aggression. His mind had first refused to do it, had suggested him to ignore the event and skip it. But then he had thought better and set the idea aside. He didn't know how much Karen had told about them and he didn't want to run the risk of hiding stuff.

How much saying and if revealing had been a recurrent topic in the last two days. In his head, it had been. The heart to heart speech he had entertained with Meredith had awakened the same problem in his brain all over again. They had poured their hearts out, they had been totally sincere, even on themes and episodes not so easy to deal with. Yet, Derek hadn't been able to talk to her about those minutes in the elevator. And he was sure it had nothing to do with her anymore. It was just about him and the fears and hesitations he had been nursing and was nursing despite the months passing by.

They were still there, alert. Ready to explode if triggered.

And Derek had spent months to understand it, he had taken weeks to admit it, but now everything looked painfully clear. And he felt embarrassed. Ashamed, that was the right word. He had discovered where his flashbacks came from, he had understood when the bad memories jumped out of the closet and gripped his heart. Only this same discovery was painful. And the mere thought to disclose them to dr. Wyatt, to let her know this… it made him sick to his stomach.

To be true, he knew she had perceived something. He had read it in her strict and enquiring look. But she hadn't asked for the same reason he hadn't talked. This wasn't something she could prod him to share. It was on him and he had delayed the feeling till it had been possible. Now it was time. Nine months after the trauma, it was time to talk out one of the most delicate side of it. He needed to process it, he needed to get over it. He needed to say it out loud to make it real and, possibly, eradicate it then.

* * *

"Ladies…"

Mark greeted his colleagues entering the conference room. It was almost desert even if the minute hands showed five minutes to the meeting time. He poured himself a generous cup of coffee and turned around, meeting Teddy's and Callie's look.

"Do you want some, girls?" a wide smile stretched his lips and Teddy arched her brow.

"Not for me, thank you" she answered politely.

"Yes, please" Callie said enthusiastically "with a spot of milk and two sugar cubes" she smirked. Mark set the two cups on a tray and sat beside her, serving her the hot drink.

"Here you go, Torres"

"Thank you, Sloan"

They raised their cups simultaneously and toasted, raising Teddy's puzzlement.

"How are you always so happy, guys?" she inquired, toying with her cell phone.

"Love lifts me, Altman" Mark said smugly, causing Callie to choke on her coffee. He patted her back and she set the cup down , coughing.

"I'm fine, now. Really…" she mumbled, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Good… where's your wife?"

"She's coming, I guess. She had to check on her patients" Callie took a little mirror out of her pocket and started to inspect her looks. She spotted a flaw of her makeup and snorted, she picked up a towel and tried to adjust it.

"I didn't remember you're so vain, Torres" Mark said taking a croissant from the tray.

"I'm not. But I hate looking shabby. And the mascara melting on my cheek isn't glamorous"

"Probably not… but I admire how women sacrifice their time to look gorgeous and impeccable even in the morning" he smirked. "Robbins must be proud…"

"She hates this" Callie said drily, raising Mark's astonishment "she hates makeup and everything which is artificial"

"Why?" Teddy asked, not raising her eyes from the screen.

"As she's naturally beautiful and thinks we can all be like that" she muttered, fixing her eyelashes.

"I'd be out of work if she was right" Mark said grinning "but I think she's right. You're sexy even without a layer of war paint on your face"

"That's because you don't see me in the morning, Mark"

"Well… not lately but…." He arched his brow suggestively and Torres sent him a deathly glare.

"Are you seriously bringing this up now?" she scorned, hiding the mirror in her labcoat.

"No… just remembering the good times" he said smugly.

"I'm not sure they were so good" Callie spat back, raising Teddy's laughter and Mark's pout.

"Oh come on… we never regret our past, Callie" Mark said bitterly.

"Sometimes I think we should" Mark sighed and rolled his eyes and Torres patted his arm "we just go through so many moments in our lives, Mark. I didn't regret what I did but… that doesn't mean I would do it again"

"Of course…" he admitted quietly "I was just cracking jokes and I wanted to let you know you're still a sexy bomb"

"Thank you" Callie smiled this time. She waved her head and her black and thick hair spread on her shoulders.

"Did you dye your hair?" Teddy asked her, noticing a red reflection she hadn't noticed before.

"Yes" Torres smiled brightly "I felt all gloomy and I wanted to brighten my appearance a bit"

"It suits you…"

"Thank you"

"Dark and blond. You and Robbins break the bank" Mark mumbled, polishing the sugar off his hands.

"I know… Even if I think her beaming face adds more than my Spanish and Latin one" she said altering her voice to make it deep and equal to her native dialect.

"What is that?" Teddy asked grimacing.

"Her natural speech" Mark smirked "she uses that a lot when she freaks out"

"I rarely freak out" she said hitting his arm playfully. A noise caught their attention and Callie turned around, smiling brightly seeing Arizona entering the room.

"Hey" she greeted them.

"Hey"

"Didn't you spare me a sit?" Robbins asked her girlfriend.

"Oh yes… Mark was about to shift his ass" Callie said pushing him away.

"Ok…" he said standing and changing sit "Is here ok or do I have to go outside?" he joked.

"Do whatever you like" Callie dismissed him, her eyes locked with Arizona "everything ok in the department?"

"Totally" Arizona confirmed, her eyes bright. "And I met the others on my way in. They should arrive soon"

"Good…" Teddy breathed out staffing her cell in the front pocket of her labcoat "I hate these morning meetings"

"Well… so you hate your job. We spend half of our time in meetings, Teddy" Mark pointed out, silencing when Owen, Webber and Bailey arrived.

"Good morning everybody" Hunt said dropping heavy folders on the desk. The others took place around the table and Owen took a look around, checking his watch. "We have to wait a couple of minutes more, I guess" he clapped his hands and sat, consulting the plan of the assembly.

"Sorry, I'm late" Derek said out of breath, appearing on the doorframe. "Shall I close?"

"Yes, Shep" Mark grinned "you're the last but not the least. Come on… drop your ass here. Females drew a line this morning"

"Which line?" Derek asked, amused, raising his eyebrows.

"Don't care, Derek" Callie cut in "he's just pissed I wanted my girlfriend close and not him"

"Oh… poor Mark… he dropped off the podium" he joked, causing Mark to roll his eyes.

"Ok, people" Owen said, raising his voice "we're ready to go" He stood and cancelled the writing from the blackboard, polishing his hands after. "First thing I'd like to check with you the progress of the Africa project" he muttered, taking a furtive glance to his notes "I want to know the development of your cases and…" he trailed off, biting his tongue "how everything is going" he finished quietly, raising Teddy's curiosity. Their eyes met and Hunt pleaded her silently to shut up. "Bailey?" he inquired, his eyes moving from Miranda to Webber. "Or Webber… anyone… please"

"Well… we treated and fixed five or six minor cases up to now. They were reported to have complicated situations but I guess it was just about malnutrition. Surgeries went fine and we were able to dismiss them. We're still dealing with the liver transplant… a case I treated with cardio and which went smoothly. Post op is running normally, slowly but normally. Manuel should stay here a couple of weeks again… Makena and Karen are already dealing with the supplementary authorizations and… they should get them in a while"

"Sounds good" Owen smiled.

"It is… and after we discharge him we're done with the first pack… waiting for others… eventually" she said, arcing her brows quizzically towards Hunt. The new Chief avoided the answer, taking time.

"We'll discuss this later" he mumbled "Ortho?"

"Well… I checked yesterday evening on my last patient… the neuro and bone reconstruction. Shepherd had already cleared him and I'm going to do it this morning… hopefully"

"Robbins?" Owen addressed Arizona, abandoning the order he had defined on his agenda and just following the chair round.

"I assisted most of these surgeries…" she squirmed, suddenly invested by everybody's attention.

"I kind of know that" Owen chuckled, amused by her embarrassment "but I wanted to know about your last patient… bowel obstruction" he added closing his arms across his chest. His eyes flashed on Shepherd's figure for a millisecond and then he went back glaring at Arizona.

"She's fine. She's recovering good. I've planned new tests for the end of the week and a last check to her shunt. Then she'll be ready to go" she said happily.

"Ok… nothing else?" Owen asked, taking a quick glance to the whole room. All the surgeons looked silent and he turned the page of his folder, moving to the following topic.

"You didn't answer my question" Bailey's voice reached him and he looked up, frowning.

"Which question?"

"Is this project going to end here or will it go on?" she enquired, her fingers playing nervously on the table.

"We hope we'll be able to continue and propose it again. But… we need to dismiss the first group of patients, we need to answer a lot of questions, we need to fulfill the agency requirements before and it's gonna take a lot of time" he breathed out.

"Who will take care of these kids once they go home? I mean… some cases were simple and don't need post op but… others went through complicated surgeries… Manuel and Robbins' patient. What will be of them?"

"The Agency agreed to a special protocol for them. Your patient will be accommodated into a family and stay there, along with his brother, for all the time you'll consider necessary to his full recovery"

"Why didn't I know anything about this?" she retorted, opening her arms in disbelief.

"As these measures have just been settled. We didn't know how long these kids were supposed to stay here. Now we do the system has activated and I'm telling you. It's not necessary I point out that the agency wishes this period will be determined just according to medical needs. No extra time unless essential, Bailey"

"That's pretty clear" Bailey nodded "I know Manuel and Souleymane have a family. And why aren't you telling her too by the way?" she retorted, gesturing towards Arizona. Robbins opened her mouth to speak but Owen did it first.

"As her case is different" he explained quietly.

"My patient doesn't have a family, Miranda" Robbins said sweetly.

"So you can keep her around all the time you want?" despite the harsh sentence the tone was gentle and Arizona smiled.

"No, of course not. But a family offered to adopt her so… we'll follow another protocol"

"Oh…" all the doctors cheered hearing the news. A wave of tenderness and sympathy spread in the room and Owen chuckled too.

"Yes… that's good news…" he mumbled.

"So it's better you don't screw it up, Robbins" Mark said, breaking the silence of the room. Derek rolled his eyes and Callie hit his arm.

"You can't just be serious, Sloan, can you?" she hissed to him.

"I am serious!" he protested, opening his arms in defense.

"All right" Robbins cut in to ease the situation "I'm perfectly aware of the responsibility I have, Mark, don't worry. But my role is minor in this thing. There are social services involved and I just have to be sure the baby is fine"

"And to explain her case to the applied parents…" Bailey added "trust me… you have no idea how difficult it was with Manuel… to explain his brother what was wrong with him with the language problem. And I guess your patient is much younger and her health problems were important… I hope these people understand what they are putting themselves into"

"We do"

Derek looked up and met Bailey's eyes, swallowing. He tried to ignore the multitude of eyes moving on his persona. He was perfectly fine with his choice and didn't need to explain anything to anyone.

"Meredith and I perfectly know the importance of the step we're taking. And we perfectly know Zola was very sick. We'll take good care of her if the social services will grant us with her custody"

He looked down to his paper sheet. He had been scribbling and drawing all along the meeting and the result was a mass of unreadable chicken tracks. The noise of his pen tracing new casual lines echoed in the room till Bailey broke the silence.

"You and Grey offered up to adopt a baby?" she asked, unable to hide her astonishment.

"We did" he answered flatly "but I don't think this concerns you in any way" he raised his eyes and his cold stare suggested Owen to go ahead with his schedule. He cleared his throat, turning the page.

"Good. I guess everybody found a folder in his office this morning" he half stated, half asked. Nobody answered but Hunt saw all the material spread on the table. "I went through the protocols of every department and found points and aspects we could and probably should improve"

He had to choke a smile seeing Sloan's forehead crinkling noticing the amount of notes popping out of his file.

"I'd like every of you to go through it… see if what I underlined is strictly necessary or if we can deal with it differently. It's not meant to be a critic, of course, just a confrontation. I hope you'll take it in the right way"

"No problem, Chief" Teddy said breathing out.

"I was sure I could count on you all. I expect your impressions on my desk by the end of the week" he added, closing his agenda and looking to them all. "I'm done by now. I went through your reports on the daily activity in the early morning and I didn't see anything strange so… we'll go back to the usual schedule next time" his lips stretched into a satisfied expression and he clapped his hands. "If there's nothing you want to know…"

Mark stood, stretching his legs and back, picking up his folder. Derek and Callie kicked back their chairs ready to stand but Bailey's voice stopped them all.

"Actually there would be something" she said, her voice shaking. Owen frowned but raised his hand, inviting her to go on. "Well… I think you remember some of us raised complains about the return of dr. Grey in the department" she said, finally looking up and meeting Derek's stare. He had sank back in his chair, sighing, probably waiting for an another argument.

"I do remember, Bailey" Owen added, embarrassed. "And if you remember correctly, I let you take some time to decide what you wanted to do about your concerns" he prodded her quietly, eyeing all the others at the same time. Nobody dared to speak and Derek snorted, suddenly out of patience.

"I can wait out, I think it's better" he muttered, collecting his folder and standing, ready to leave.

"No, I think it's better you sit your ass on that chair and listen to what I have to tell you" Miranda retorted, gaining a deep sigh in protest. Derek obliged, buckling under her not so kind request.

"Fine" he hissed through gritted teeth "we'll put an end to this sooner rather than later" he raised his eyes and met hers. He couldn't help but noticing Richard's strained face. "So?" he prodded her.

"Dr. Hunt asked me about my concerns and I'm going to tell him"

"We're waiting" he scorned, not able to dissimulate his mood. Mark patted his thigh under the table to calm him down. There was already too much electricity in the air.

* * *

_But there's something magic in yo-yo, you know?_

* * *

"I think…" Bailey started and then stopped, adjusting the rim of her labcoat "I think I owe you an apology" she said quietly, finally locking eyes with him.

"We owe you an apology" Teddy corrected her.

"A big one" Callie breathed out.

"What for?" Derek enquired. His voice was rough and dry but his face was relaxing, relief washing over him in waves.

"For judging a situation we didn't know. And we probably hadn't the means to know" Bailey explained, her eyes darting from Derek to Webber to Owen.

"We shouldn't have told those things to you, Shepherd" Callie cut in "it was unfair"

"And inappropriate" Teddy added.

"There are procedures in the hospital, procedures and rules" Miranda went on "if the Board decided to arrange things like it did, we had and have no place to argue about it"

She sent a meaningful look to Hunt and Owen got the apology was meant to be for him too. His lips stretched in a small smile and he looked to Derek.

* * *

_Something which fascinated me since I was a kid._

_The disks always come up, out of gravity._

_No matter if you tug or not, it's just meant to go back into your hand._

* * *

"Shepherd…" he prodded him, trying to understand how he was living this confrontation.

"Chief?" Derek looked a little bit dazed and confused. He didn't know what he was supposed to say in this situation.

"Do you think this can close the argument?" he asked gently, hoping Derek wouldn't revamp the issue. The neuro surgeon close his lids, soothing his eyes to calm himself down. He took a deep breath before talking.

"I've never meant to raise an argument out of this, Hunt. I didn't want to do it before and I don't want to do it now" he breathed out, straightening up "I just wanted to be able to make my choices and be respected for it. Even if I know that many of you didn't understand or didn't share my conclusions"

"But you were right…" Bailey said gently "it wasn't our place to comment any of it"

"You did comment as everything happened too fast" Richard cut in, his voice calm but firm "and I gave you wrong signals. I mixed the cards and we all got caught under it"

"Richard…" Derek tried to interrupt him, shaking his head, getting where the discussion was heading.

"It's fine, Derek. We were trying to find a way to compose this fracture. And I guess it didn't happen casually that this clarification comes after what Adele did" he swallowed, looking to the wall in front of him "I guess it's time we talk out this mess. Names and dates… like you suggested from the very beginning" he stood, closing the blinds of the conference room to gain them some privacy. He turned around, breathing out, hands on his hips. Everybody was staring at him but Derek, the tension was palpable. "What I'm going to tell you is highly confidential. And you'll be told just as I know that you have a personal relationship with me and Derek… and I think that's the reason why you acted so violently and recklessly. I prefer to think people lost control out of affection rather than out of some stupid need of revenge and retaliation" his eyes bored into Bailey's and she looked away "I didn't act fair towards the Alzheimer's trial, I didn't act fairly from the very beginning. From the moment dr. Grey suggested me Adele could have neurological problems. Everything spin out of control and I used every pressure to get her into the trial. Even if she didn't fit into the protocol" he admitted, ashamed of himself. "Derek asked a derogation and we got it. We had considered everything then… everything but the fog oppressing her brain, the same confusion which led her to slap him yesterday had led her to aggress Meredith weeks ago. This was the reason why Dr. Grey switched those filed. Adele had confused her with Ellis… a patient appointed to get the drug had just died and Meredith switched their envelopes. That's how things went"

He turned around facing the clouded window, earing whispers and sighs behind his back.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Miranda asked, realizing from Derek's reaction her question was probably out of place.

"Tell you what, Bailey?" Shepherd asked in disbelief.

"This…" she snapped, her eyes narrowing in frustration.

"I didn't know the whole story when all this mess took place. I just knew she had switched the files, nothing else"

"And she let you take the blame with the FDA and everybody else?" Mark asked, voicing a doubt Lexie had shut up in the last few days. Derek looked to him briefly, surprised by his participation to the discussion. Mark had never asked him anything, told him anything, not to support him and not to blame him. He had assisted to all this situation a step back, leaving him space and not breaking his privacy, probably understanding the wound was much more than work related.

"The FDA wasn't interested in punishing a resident, Mark. I was the head of the trial. The responsibility was all on me" he sighed, tired to go through the same topics all over again.

"It's what you said to the board too?" Callie asked, sensing the gravity of the situation for the first time.

"No" Derek breathed out "Richard tried to relieve Meredith's position after she got fired" he looked up, locking eyes with Webber, the same emotion he had proved days ago invading his heart all over again "But they just couldn't accept to have her back here and me as chief"

"So you chose" Bailey finished for him.

"I chose… and I chose my marriage and the chance to build it back. It had nothing to do with my job and… Richard's job"

"At that point I had presented my resignation by myself" Webber confirmed, closing his arms across his chest.

* * *

_Close, safe._

_Just as a friend can make you feel._

* * *

"Wow…" Callie breathed out, closing her hands across her cheeks "this sounds like a spy story"

"Yes… but we didn't get the naked romance in the end…" Mark mumbled. Derek turned aside to look at him, raising his brow while Bailey rolled her eyes and Teddy chuckled. "What?" Sloan asked.

"You really know how to drop the tension in a serious conversation, Mark" Derek scolded him.

"I didn't say anything…" he protested, rolling her eyes.

"Whatever" Callie snorted standing up, getting the meeting was definitely over.

"Right…" he breathed out, pushing his chair under the table. He made two steps behind Derek's back, following him towards the door. "And now you point that out, you're right. I was inaccurate. You got the naked romance after all this crazy mess"

"What?" Derek stopped, causing Mark to almost crush into him.

"Don't get mad. Meredith texted Lexie about the new house and all the romantic stuff you put up yesterday. I guess some hot cuddle was included" he winked, making Derek blush.

"Whatever…" he scoffed, walking away with his papers in the crock of his elbow.

"I was thinking I could involve you in my studies now the FDA blackmailed you!" Mark shouted behind his back, getting no answer. "Right" he muttered, going back into the room and picking up his folder.

"Sloan…" Hunt called him.

"What?"

Owen approached him and patted his shoulder grinning.

"You should be careful, you know?"

"About what?"

"About what you say. Now Brad left I guess we are all looking for faces to punch. And you really call for it when you behave like you just did"

"Have you just threatened me, chief?"

"No" Owen shrugged "I would call that a warning, Sloan… not a threat" he grinned.

"Are you serious?" Mark asked, watching him walk away.

"Believe it or not" Owen answered without looking back.

* * *

_But watch out… as if you throw your yo-yo too fast… it could go back and knock your teeth out._

* * *

**Surprise me!**


	55. SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

Hey... I'm sorry it took so long.

I made this chapter a mix of serious and funny things.

Hope you'll enjoy (and, why not, review!)

I plan a couple of chapters before the end...

The next chapter of WHYSAN has been ready for a while... I'll post it within the end of the week.

* * *

_Reasons... causes... _

_We define the sources of our doing in a lot of ways._

_Sometimes it's just rationality that determines our decisions, logic... _

_People try to put us in tight schemes, but we just escape them._

_As feelings can't be bridled, they can't be classified, they can't be foreseen , they can't be delayed to better moments._

_You just have to surrender… and hope they are of the best quality._

* * *

Derek entered the cafeteria, his eyes resting immediately on a lonely woman in a remote corner of the room.

Janet.

Apparently he had succeeded in being late for their meeting.

He breathed out and closed the distance between the two of them with hurried steps.

He brushed her shoulder before sitting in front of her.

"Janet… sorry, I'm late" he apologized, giving her a polite smile. "I got caught in a meeting with the Chief…"

"Don't worry" Janet answered as gently "you were kind to accept to meet me with such a short notice"

"It was not a problem, really" Derek muttered, caressing the cover of his folder. The woman in front of him caught his nervousness and smiled, trying to put him at ease.

"So… Dr. Shepherd… did you have troubles filling that?" she asked, her eyes falling on the folder Derek was nursing.

"No" he said smiling, pushing it towards her "even if, I have to admit, some questions were really personal"

"I know... But it's a psychological draw we're trying to compose here..." she explained, flipping the pages open "we need to go personal"

"Of course" he acknowledged, shifting on his chair and looking to her carefully. "Are we staying here?" he asked, noticing heads pointed in their direction.

"No..." she smiled "I was going to ask you if we could move somewhere else actually"

"I think we can find a conference room" he said, standing up and observing her doing the same. He stretched his arm to give her room first and they walked together out of the cafeteria. The hallways were crowded at that time of the day and Derek greeted nurses and doctors passing by before spotting a free room. He opened the door and switched the light on, letting Janet walk in first.

"You know a lot of people here..." she offered, smiling at him.

"I've been working here for five years... This is a small hospital" he shrugged, his lips twitching up.

"Modest..." she added, looking down to his answers.

"Not really one of my best qualities... Really" he joked and Janet smiled.

"Just try to relax, dr. Shepherd. I know it may feel awkward but I'm not here to judge you... Just to know you"

"Ok" he breathed out, adjusting his labcoat and trying to follow the suggestion.

"So... You come from a big family..." she prodded him.

"Yes... I have four sisters... They're all married and with a little army of kids"

"Do you like it?" she asked nonchalantly, raising her eyes to meet his.

"Yeah..." Derek chuckled "it can be messy and loud but... I've grown up in a very large family... Each of us wanted to build one the same way... So..." he shrugged "I'd like to start mine too"

"What does Meredith think of this?" she shot, her brown eyes piercing his.

"Well... Her feelings changed a lot in the last years..." he cleared his voice "Meredith wasn't very lucky with her family and she was scared before. But now she's ready..."

Janet looked to him carefully, straightening up on her chair. Her fingers played with each other and she cleared her throat.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked, gently. Derek recoiled against his backrest, taken by surprise, and Janet read his astonishment. "I'm just trying to know you as a couple, dr. Shepherd..." she explained softly, realizing the doctor wasn't used to be questioned on his private life and was going defensive.

"Now I am..." he muttered shyly, relaxing. "There was a moment I was scared she had accepted to have kids just as I wanted but... now I feel she is as enthusiastic as I am" he added smiling.

"And you feel relieved?" she enquired. Derek stiffened again, this looked a lot like his sessions with dr. Wyatt and there was no doubt left here... He didn't like answering questions, no matter where they came from.

"Well..." he started truthfully "having kids or not is a big topic... A marriage or a relationship can end on this argument. It was not our case but..." he trailed off "I had come to terms with Meredith not wanting to expand our family"

"And why did she change her mind in your opinion?"

There was something gentle in the way Janet was posing him these burdensome questions. It was evident she dealt with this kind of things every day, it was even evident she wasn't trying to question his choices, she just wanted to know stuff about him and his wife. And Derek, unexpectedly, relaxed.

"I guess she felt more confident in our relationship... She opened up to feelings and sensations she had closed out for years... She grew up and, at some point, it became natural for her to talk about possible kids" he shrugged. Shepherd realized he had summarized and simplified a very difficult issue in a few words. But, truth to be said, it had been so easy after all. Meredith had been scared to become a mother for the failing experience of her parents, she had been scared to commit with him, she had been scared not to be able to donate love and affection to a child. Once their relationship had stabilized, she had understood nothing was impossible with the right person, she had fought and pushed herself beyond self-made limits.

"Do you think your... accident helped with this choice?"

Her voice shook when she pronounced the word "accident" and Derek looked down to the table.

His hands joined in his lap and he took a deep breath.

"Meredith was already pregnant when I was attacked..." he looked up, it was clear reminiscing this was causing him pain. "But something certainly changed in our relationship"

"Something you can tell me?" she asked, her voice gentle.

"She started to look at me in a different way. She felt overburdened... I guess facing the first stage of her pregnancy without me made her stronger... It was a very difficult period... For the both of us"

"Do you think what happened affected you and your wife in the choice to start the adoption?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning.

"Do you think all what you went through made you more impulsive on things?"

"No" Derek answered firmly "I pondered this choice... I did. I know it's a big step and I know last year was full of stressing situations, in good and bad... But I'm perfectly aware of what I'm putting myself into"

"Ok..." she nodded, looking down to Derek's answers and flipping some page. "I see you went in therapy..." she muttered, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Yes... I still am..." he admitted, tapping his finger on the table top.

"How would you define this experience?"

"Awful" he blurted out, sighing "It's not easy to remember... To explain what happened in those minutes"

"Have you talked to your psychologist about the wish to adopt a baby?" she asked, making Derek nervous.

"No... I haven't" he admitted, feeling for the first time Janet's disappointment.

"Why not?" she asked "Are you scared she would turn you down?"

"Absolutely..." he assured "we simply had more pressing topics to discuss, Janet… we still have" he breathed out. Derek remembered he had asked an appointment to dr. Wyatt in the afternoon and, suddenly, he felt tired and exhausted.

"I'm sorry…" she apologized "I didn't mean to upset you… My question… probably I had to pop it in a different way"

"It's fine… This topic is painful anyway, Janet. And I'm sure I'm not the perfect candidate to adopt a child since I'm in therapy…" he rubbed his eyes tiredly and the social worker smiled to him.

"I think you just went through something difficult to forget…" she offered.

"Impossible…" Derek blurted out "it's impossible to forget"

"And I think you're a very strong man to put yourself and your life on the line like this…" she smiled, backing against her chair "asking for help is not a weakness here, it's a sign of great maturity and balance"

"I thought you would scratch our request just for this" he stuttered, taking a deep breath. The woman's face was painted in astonishment and Derek squirmed. "I had a really hard time to write those few lines … I just…" he shook his head not knowing what to say more. The sentence died midair and Derek shrugged, hiding his face in both hands.

"I'm sorry if I backed you into a corner, dr. Shepherd. But the aim of these sheets was to know you… and, unfortunately, what happened to you could have changed the big picture meaningfully. I'm happy it didn't" she finished, closing the folder and her arms across her chest. "I'll go through the rest of it by myself… just tell me something about you now" she said, cocking her head to the side "something about your personality…"

"Well…" Derek trailed off, massaging his neck and not really knowing where to start from "I love outdoors… I've just finished to build our new house off town"

Janet scrunched her nose and opened the folder again, looking for something she was sure she had read before.

"You said you're living in Queen Ann …"

"Yes, that's Meredith's house…" he explained "I own a few acres of land on the cliff and I built a house. We're going to move there after the baby is born" he said, his eyes sparkling in excitement. Something Janet's scrutinizing stare didn't miss.

"It sounds great"

"Oh it is…" he giggled "there's plenty of space where the kids could play… I have a lake where I fish in the morning… you just have to get used to wake up a bit earlier to arrive to work on time"

"I think the sacrifice is worth…" she nodded "no more neighbors…"

"No more roommates…" Derek smiled "it really sounds like another life"

"Maybe as it is…" she smiled "how would you describe your married life?"

"Normal, I'd say…" Derek smiled "we both have a demanding job and… we like to spend time home together… we don't have a very active social life outside the hospital. Most of our friends work here as well so… we're not very socialite"

"Just golf and basket… isn't it?" she asked, remembering Derek's leisure written somewhere.

"Yes" he smiled "even if they're hospital related after all"

"How?" she asked, arching her brow.

"Well…" Derek trailed off, smirking "I play basket with the surgery team… we challenge radiology guys or anybody who's fool enough to do it…"

"I know how this stuff goes" Janet chuckled "there are teams in my office too… and what about golf? Do you play with colleagues?"

"Yes… we have a fancy green on the rooftop…"

"Excuse me?" she blurted out, cocking her head to the side.

"I think I said enough already" he mumbled, amused. And Janet shook her head.

"Maybe you're right… I prefer not to know doctors hit balls left and right from the hospital roof"

"It's better" he chuckled, relaxing on the chair.

"What do you feel about Zola, dr. Shepherd?" she shot, out of nowhere. Her eyes raised from the table and set on Derek's face. His expression was still the same, the smile their exchange had produced was still there, twitching his lips upwards. His body language didn't betray him this time, he wasn't nervous about this question.

"I love her…" he shrugged, breathing out "it's simple"

"Do you love her like your own daughter?" she insisted, reading every message he was sending her.

"I don't have my own kids, Janet, not yet. But when I see Zola… yes… it's the same feeling I have when our baby moves in Meredith's belly"

"How would you explain that?" she breathed out "I mean… I guess you've treated a lot of kids during your career… why her? Why Zola?"

"I don't know" he admitted "I've just felt something special from the first moment we met…" he said simply, not finding other words to describe his feelings. "And it grew day by day… even if I knew it could be negative"

"Negative?" she asked, arching her brows.

"Yes… we should always keep a distance between ourselves and our patients… not let emotions slip in… keep them at bay… as we need to make choices and we need to be lucid and objective holding people's life in our hands…"

"What happened here?"

"I don't know… I just held her and… she relaxed in my hug…" he smiled, remembering the touch of Zola's cheek on his neck "it felt natural… it felt like home"

"Do you feel ready to raise a baby, Derek… two babies at the same time?" Janet enquired, her eyes bored into his.

"I don't know if there's a moment when you become ready to become a parent… I don't know… the only thing I know is that I'll love these children with all my heart… I will… and that's the only thing I can tell you"

Janet looked at him carefully and then sighed, standing and picking up the folder and the rest of her papers.

"I will call your wife in the next couple of days, dr. Shepherd" she added, stretching her hand. Derek stood and shook it, nervousness coming back to full force.

"Thank you" he stuttered, not knowing where this conversation left their hopes. Janet walked towards the door and then turned on her heels, her hand already on the doorknob.

"I respect you, dr. Shepherd… if this adoption doesn't go as you hope… it won't be as you're in therapy or for what you went through… it won't be for that"

She walked out and Derek sank back in the chair, raking his hand in his hair tiredly. He didn't know how to read Janet's last sentence.

* * *

Meredith was wandering down the surgical floor, trying to spot Derek.

She meant to thank him for the wonderful surprise of the previous day and the delicious breakfast he had prepared her and, along with that, she really counted on his promise to spent her last day together.

Unfortunately he was nowhere to be found.

She was at her third passage now but she had found no trace of his name, not in the department, not on the board, not in the cafeteria.

She snorted leaning her back against the nurses station, her elbow stretched lazily on the counter and she took a last glance around.

She was going to miss the chaos, the adrenaline, her colleagues, her friends, her job. Meredith had never imagined her life outside the hospital, now the day had come and she wasn't prepared.

Nine months were supposed to lead you to this moment, to set your mind about the great change, but she had ignored every of it.

Her brain had been busy in a lot of other things… Derek, the trial, the baby… months had melted away and now it was time.

"Feeling contractions?"

Cristina's cheerful voice reached Meredith and she giggled, seeing her person flopping a chart open on the desk.

"Nope… just hanging around" she breathed out, sinking both hands in her pockets and fishing out a granola bar. She unwrapped it carefully and took a bite, an appreciative sound left her lips. "I'm on scout"

"It's your last day here, Meredith… Take it easy"

"I just wanted to cut someone… say goodbye in I'm-a-surgeon-way" she shrugged.

"Maybe you'll find something…" Cristina added, more to encourage her than really believing it.

"You don't believe it yourself" Meredith rolled her eyes "Derek had promised to keep me on his service but he has disappeared… I've looked for him everywhere…" she snorted. Her eyes moved down the hallway and her person got the search was not over yet.

"Relax, Mer… Mc Dreamy is not locked up in some on call room…"

"I hope for him he's not" Meredith hissed, aggressing her snack vehemently.

"Actually I've seen him with the social service lady…" Cristina looked up, giving her a small smile "they were downstairs… in a conference room"

"I knew Derek was supposed to meet her in the late morning…" she breathed out, feeling a knot to her stomach "how did it go?"

"No idea" Cristina shrugged "the door was closed and I haven't seen him later…"

"But how it looked it was going?" Meredith insisted, urge raising in her voice.

"What?" Cristina frowned, staffing her pen in her labcoat.

"The interview, Cristina…" Meredith added exasperated "did they look relaxed or mad or… tensed?"

"I'm not a face reader, Mer… Calm down" she muttered flatly, making her friend roll her eyes.

"Yeah… calm down…" she mumbled, squeezing the remains of her energetic bar. Cristina eyed her carefully and grinned, giving the chart back to the nurse.

"Have you eaten, Meredith?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

"I've been eating all morning. Derek prepared me an imperial breakfast and now this…" she said eyeing the empty wrap, throwing it in the bin "and, screw me, I'm still hungry" she added hopeless.

"Come on…" Cristina said rubbing her shoulder and pushing her to move "I'll buy you lunch"

"You've never bought me lunch" Meredith stuttered, eyeing her suspiciously.

"It's your last day and the situation calls for it… Just two courses though… I've forgotten to pick up some money…" Meredith rolled her eyes and they walked together towards the cafeteria.

"Where's Owen by the way?" Grey asked after a few minutes.

"Playing the chief somewhere… but he'll join us later…" Cristina smiled.

"Maybe I should go and find Derek" Meredith said stopping abruptly in the middle of the corridor. Cristina nearly bumped into her "I don't want to be on your way…"

"Don't be stupid, Mer…" she pushed her forward "besides… I want to know all the details of the travel in Shepherd's Never land…"

"Shepherd's what?" Meredith asked grimacing.

"Never land… the house, Mer… Big house in the woods… Never Land" she shrugged, causing Meredith to giggle. "Let's grab something to crunch before"

They queued and picked up their meal. Luckily there was not much crowd at that time and they sat at their favorite table.

"Thank God" Meredith breathed out when her ass touched the chair.

"Tired?" Cristina offered.

"Yeah… and I did nothing at all… maybe it's really time for me to stay home…"

"I guess it is" Cristina confirmed, starting to cut her meat in small pieces. "So…" she started "details…"

"It was just perfect" Meredith smiled, a shiver of happiness and excitement running down her spine at the memory "we took the ferry and drove up there after our shift… Derek was so nervous…"

"I'm sure he was… he didn't have quite a wonderful end of the day yesterday…" Cristina remarked.

"I wasn't talking about that…" Meredith cleaned her chin with a paper towel "he was just worried I would hate the house of whatever…"

"But you liked it…"

"Beyond any expectation…" Meredith smiled, her eyes sparkling.

"And how was the after dinner?" Cristina asked mischievously, a grin spreading on her lips sensing Meredith's awkwardness "Oh right… beyond any expectation…"

"You're a bitch" Meredith hissed in front of her friend ironic smile.

"Oh come on, Mer… Derek needed some distraction…"

"This was planned even before Adele slapped him…" she pointed out, her eyes casting down to her plate. Cristina got the topic had pinched a nerve and her gaze softened.

"Hey… I didn't want to upset you…"

"Upset me?" Meredith chuckled, a hint of irony clear in her voice "Adele Webber called me and my mother whores in an OR… This upset me…"

"I'm sorry…" Cristina said truthfully. "But maybe it was worth something…"

"Oh yes…" Meredith blurted out "now the whole freaking hospital knows Webber and Ellis Grey had an affair…"

"Now the whole hospital knows how sick she is…" Cristina muttered quietly, her eyes locking with her friend's "and even if what you did is still wrong… it's a little bit less… everybody will go easier on you and Derek now…"

"I don't think so…" Meredith said arching her brows "and anyway I don't care… I've more urgent things to fear right now" she breathed out. Cristina's enquiring eyes were fixed on her face and Meredith sighed "the delivery, Cristina. It felt so good four month ago going natural and without epidural… now I don't know what the hell was going through my brain" she snorted, sipping her water.

"You're a strong woman, Meredith. If someone can pop a basketball without anesthesia… that's you" Cristina said softly, her eyes shifting towards the entrance when Owen and Derek had just walked in together. "Our men are coming…" she mumbled. Meredith turned around and her face lit up when she spotted her husband. She turned to face Cristina adjusting her ponytail.

"Ok… enough with the delivery room gossip"

"Why?" Cristina asked, realizing Derek and Owen were probably waiting for their lunch.

"What?" Meredith asked frowning.

"Why stopping discussing this? I guess Derek wants to know…"

"Derek doesn't need to know I'm freaking out, here" Grey said shaking her head.

"Mer… he'll be with you the whole time… And don't you think he's freaking out as well?"

"Derek doesn't freak out" Meredith urged to say.

"He does… but doesn't want you to know… He asked me stuff yesterday before the whole Adele's thing" Cristina said softly.

"What kind of stuff?"

"About you being happy… relaxed… ready… He's worrying, Mer. You should talk about this"

"I…" she trailed off, not knowing what to say. Cristina had opened a curtain she had not been aware of. She had fooled herself to avoid these topics, but it was pretty clear she had underestimated Derek and his hovering mood. She looked down to the table, taking a deep breath. A warm hand enveloped hers and she looked up, tuning Cristina's hand on top of hers.

"Derek loves you. You can face everything together, Meredith"

"I know…" she breathed out, catching with the corner of her eye Derek getting closer "not here anyway"

"Ok…" Cristina released her fingers and smiled seeing Owen's face in front of her. "Hey…" she greeted him.

"Hey… can we sit?" he asked, his hand already pulling back the chair. Cristina smiled when Derek kissed Meredith's cheek.

"Of course… it's an honor to have the chief at our humble table…isn't it, dr. Grey?"

"Oh yes…" she giggled "Derek never graced us with his presence when he was chief…"

"That's because I know you use to gossip while eating…" he smiled, opening the box containing his salad and pouring some oil on it "I wouldn't waste it for you…"

Meredith showed him her tongue and Owen laughed, taking a look around.

"So we interrupted you…" Hunt offered, smiling.

"Oh yes…" Cristina said flatly "but we can continue later, don't worry…"

"If I didn't know you good, Cristina, I'd say you were badmouthing about me" Derek said smiling, making Meredith choke on her coffee.

"Oh… that's where you don't know me, Mc Dreamy…" she challenged him.

"Really?"

"Really… as I would go on without second thought. You know I don't have problems to insult you" she grinned.

"Oh yes… I know…" he arched his brows, amused "so am I safe here?"

"At the moment… you are. Just because your pregnant wife needs to eat peacefully... And my Godkid needs too"

"Godkid..." Derek asked chuckling "it sounds awful"

"It is awful. Thanks to you... and your need to be surprised..." Cristina said taking a look around "so... hardcore cases today?" she inquired.

"Don't look at me" Owen said raising his palms in surrender "all I got were meetings... Papers... Phone calls..."

"And I got meetings... Interviews..."Derek said breathing out "I hope today will go better"

Meredith looked to him carefully, her hand landed on his thigh and she squeezed it.

"How did it go with Janet?" she asked, ignoring Cristina's and Owen's presence.

"I don't know" he answered truthfully "she's a difficult person to read" his fingers enveloped Meredith's and he gave her a small smile "she asked a lot of stuff..."

"We want to adopt a baby, Derek... I guess this allows her to ask us anything"

He smiled sighing, his palm cupped her face and his thumb caressed her cheek.

"I love you when you're so wise" he mumbled, making Cristina roll her eyes.

"You always love her, Mc Dreamy. Wise or not" Cristina spat.

"I do..." he said, his eyes sparkling in full adoration.

"And now I feel sick..." Yang snorted "Was he like this from the beginning?"

"Oh yes..." Meredith chuckled.

"Romantic... sweet... sexy..." Derek whispered.

"Humble..." Meredith joked.

"Definitely..." Derek nodded.

"She was taking fun of you!" Cristina snapped "as seriously... Humble... In love or not I would define you anyway but humble"

"Oh... I know..." Derek chuckled "you defined me in so many ways I had to expand my vocabulary" he joked grinning.

"Keep your grin for the social service lady, Mc Dreamy. I'm not a maid to charm" Cristina retorted ironically.

"You're not a maid at all..." Derek added, seeing the amused expression on Hunt's face "you acted like a dragon to me"

"Yes... To keep you from hurting the princess... And watch out, Shepherd... I still can blow fire and burn your ass"

"I'll keep that in mind..." he mumbled, playing with the remaining food in his plate. "especially since you apparently have a room in our new house"

"I have..." Cristina added smugly.

"But she doesn't plan to use it often" Owen offered, raising his brow expectantly.

"Oh I do, instead..." she rebut "you can invite him if you feel lonely" she pointed to Derek with her head.

"Kicked me out of my house already?" Derek arched his brows.

"You know she loves you deep down" Meredith tried to comfort him.

"Yeah" Cristina confirmed wickedly "so deep I have to search my hidden soul..."

"Lucky me..."

"Better than who professes to love you and then slaps your face" she pointed out, not really realizing it. Owen kicked her leg from under the table and Meredith looked to her thunderstruck "Sorry... I didn't... I didn't think before saying this..."

"Not a problem" Derek accepted her apology swallowing. "Anyway... Bailey and all the others apologized this morning, Mer. The war should be over"

"Really?" she asked relieved, more for him than for herself.

"Yes... I'm just sorry this is your last day and you won't be able to enjoy it" Derek said rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand.

"It doesn't matter" she smiled, stretching her legs under the table "I'm happy this is the last day... I've done nothing and I'm already dead tired. Now I get why Bailey was over nazy her last days before Tuck was born..."

"I just hope you won't break your water on my shoes as well" Cristina said grimacing.

"You'll be there anyway, Cristina..." Meredith smiled to her "they break home or here... You'll assist me so... Deal with it"

"Sure" she said disgusted "Will I have the honor to cut the umbilical cord?" she asked, enthusiasm spreading on her face.

"That should be me" Derek muttered, amused.

"Come on, Shepherd, we all know you'll be crying all the time. What if you maim the baby?"

"Maim the baby?" Derek asked in shock "I just have to cut the cord, not to practice plastic surgery"

"Well it's important to do it in the right way. The navel is a very important part of the body" she said sharply.

"Why so?" Owen asked frowning.

"As if Mc Baby is a girl she might want to do a piercing there when she grows up..."

"Definitely not" Derek urged to say, shaking his head and shivering at the mere thought.

"And if it's a boy you'd ruin his abs so... We need a professional, not a butcher blinded by his own tears" Cristina argued waving her hands excitedly. Meredith giggled looking at Derek and he sighed, resigned and used to Cristina's irony.

"We'll decide in the delivery room, Cristina, ok?" Derek smiled "If I'm too messed up to cut you'll do it..."

"Right" she nodded, satisfied.

"So I take you finally decided to be in..." Derek offed, looking between Meredith and Cristina.

"If she wants me I'll be" Yang said, serious this time.

"Thank you" Meredith mumbled "but you better not to fight all the time" she nearly yelled.

"We won't, Mer" Cristina said smugly "but, just to be clear... I won't hold your hand in the process..."

She looked to Owen, who was staring at her, mouth agape.

"I can't have my precious surgeon hands squeezed and bruised" she defended herself "and then... He went with the fun and now he deserves to be up for the worst part..."

"Right" Derek said, almost blushing.

His hand found Meredith's under the table and he squeezed it.

* * *

Derek and Meredith were hurrying down the corridor. He was marching with long and quick steps and she was trying to keep up his pace.

Before entering the ER Derek stop to wait for her, his lips twitched upwards seeing her flushed cheeks.

"Are you ok? You look like you just ran a marathon" he said smiling.

"I did..." she breathed out, taking a deep breath.

"Are you fine with this, Mer? You could just..."

"I'm ok" she cut him off marching through the door and towards the nurse who had paged them.

"Right" Derek muttered following her "what have we got?" he asked.

"The ambulance just brought in a young woman with a bed concussion..." the nurse explained, handling him the papers. Derek took the folder and walked into the trauma room, Meredith following him.

A young woman, apparently in her early 30, was lying on the stretcher, a collar was keeping her neck still and she was talking conceitedly on the phone. Derek stopped near the stretcher and looked to her sternly.

"Miss..." he peered to the papers "Fraser... cell phones are not allowed in here. Please shut it down and let me check you"

She smiled to him but raised her hand, meaning to let her finish the conversation. Derek rolled his eyes and wore gloves, bending on the woman's face and starting to examine her.

"Sam... I told you I needed to purchase those shares and... Ouch!" she complained when Derek touched her head.

"I'm sorry mrs. Fraser" Meredith said firmly, stretching her hand "but I need you to give me your cell and let dr. Shepherd visit you"

"Fine" the woman snorted taking a glance to both Meredith and Derek "I need to hang off now... Let dr. shepherd visit me. I'll call you back later" she closed her phone and relaxed on the pillow, flinching when Derek's penlight flashed in her pupils. "This sucks..." she muttered.

"You need to lay still, mrs. Fraser" Derek suggested her quietly, still bound over her "it looks like you hit your head pretty hard. Do you remember what happened?"

"Of course..." she breathed out "I was texting Sam and a moron was cleaning the stairs. They were wet and there was no sign. I slipped and bounced down a flight..."

"Other pains apart your head?" Meredith asked, the woman's folder opened under her nose.

"No... My arm a bit but... I think it's just a bruise" she stuttered, flinching.

"The left pupil looks constricted..." Derek explained straightening "are you taking meds?"

"Just the pill..." the patient admitted.

"Do you want me to call someone?" Meredith asked, noticing the emergency contact was missing on the papers.

"No... It's not necessary..."

"We need to run a MRI, mrs. Fraser..." Derek explained her.

"Then what?" the patient asked groggily.

"We could need to keep you monitored for the next 24 hours in the best case" Meredith explained, locking eyes with Derek "we might need an emergency contact"

"I don't have a husband or a boyfriend if that's what you're thinking" the woman spat bitterly.

"Mrs. Fraser…" Derek warned her, foreseeing the reason of her bad mood.

"No… the moment I said I was taking the pill she asked me a next of kin. I'm sorry but it doesn't take a genius to get what she's thinking" she retorted.

"I wasn't really thinking that" Meredith protested, searching comfort in Derek, who shook his head.

"Fine" the patient acknowledged "I have an active sexual life and I don't have a man. You can call my mother if you really need it. Her number is in my wallet"

Meredith opened her mouth to speak again but Derek squeezed her arm and stopped her.

"Call the MRI and check if it's free, dr. Grey" he asked politely.

"Ok, dr. Shepherd" Meredith breathed out, leaving the room. Derek took off his gloves and checked the monitors connected to the patient's body.

"I'm sorry dr. Shepherd but I can't stand hypocrisy" mrs. Fraser told out of nothing.

"Excuse me?" he asked, frowning.

"I'm sick of people judging me as I'm a woman in career who wants to have fun without commitment. Doctor Grey should understand not all women want what she wants. And got" she added, grimacing when a sudden pain knifed behind her eyes.

"Doctor Grey was doing everything but judging you, mrs. Fraser" he said gently, approaching the bed "trust me… she didn't ask you that contact for the reason you assume"

"Really?"

"Really" he smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Like a hit my head on a step" she snorted. "And I hurt everywhere"

"I'll give you some more painkiller, ok?" he offered "just not too much as they can cloud the scan I need to run"

He turned around to grab the treatments but stopped dead in his track when he felt a pressure on his ass. He froze for a moment when the contact became more harassing, the clear sensation of a palm massaging his buttocks. He turned around frowning, a vial in his hand. Mrs. Fraser had her eyes closed and her hand was hanging loose outside the stretcher.

"Mrs. Fraser…" he called her, alarmed by her posture.

"Mmm" she mumbled.

"You need to stay awake" he urged her, pressing a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm trying…" she stuttered, her lids opening lazily "I'm dizzy"

Derek pushed the treatment in her IV and then checked her pupils again.

"You need to stay here… come on… tell me something about you… What do you do for a living?" he asked, picking up the phone and dialing the lab connection.

"I'm a broker… a kick ass broker" she mumbled.

"Good… I have some savings to invest… What do you suggest?"

"New economy shares… clean energy…" she listed.

"Too risky… I'd prefer something safe" Derek joked.

"You need to plunge to get what you want dr. Shepherd" Fraser told him "I use to take what I want…"

"Well… that's because you know the ice you're moving on. I prefer a cautious approach though"

"No disposed to adventure…"

"Not on this…" he smiled, hearing Meredith from the other side of the line talking to him. He hanged off and gestured a nurse to step in to help him "they're ready for us. How are you?" he asked, disconnecting the IV and leaning bags onto the mattress.

"Tired" the woman admitted.

"If talking bothers you, just try to move your fingers and toes. This will keep you awake anyway" he said, squeezing her hand.

"Ok…" she breathed out.

Derek adjusted the sides of the bed and looked to the nurse, inviting her to come closer.

His breath stopped when he felt someone touching him. His eyes cast down and he saw Mrs. Fraser's fingertips grazing the front of his scrub pants. Her eyes were still closed and Derek jerked his groin back, biting his lower lip.

"Everything is fine, dr. Shepherd?" the nurse asked him.

"Yes…" he breathed out, taking a last glance to the patient "let's go"

He took a deep breath and tried to stifle the bad feelings raising in his gut.

Mrs. Fraser had touched him, twice. Both of them in awkward positions.

This could not be casual, this hadn't been casual.

Derek was mad, he didn't like women taking initiatives so openly, especially when he was working and they took advantage of the situation.

He needed to set borders with this patient, she needed to be reminded what she could do and what she could not.

He sighed pushing the button of the elevator, the nurse was eyeing him cautiously and he just diverted his eyes. The doors luckily opened quickly and he dragged the stretcher in.

Maybe it was the place, maybe it was what had just happened, the unpleasant sensation of someone touching him without his consent, but suddenly Derek felt trapped. His body tightened at the memories infesting that confined space and he closed his eyes, trying to ease his breathing. His lids flickered open when a warm and gentle palm made contact with his forearm.

"Are you ok, dr. Shepherd?" the nurse asked gently, concern written all over her face.

"Yes… I've just a headache" he muttered, trying to hide his real feelings. The doors slid open and he maneuvered the patient out. Meredith was already waiting for them outside the MRI. She smiled when their eyes met and Derek tried to do the same.

"Ready?" he asked rhetorically, pushing the gurney into the room.

"Yeah… how is she?" she asked, seeing the patient's eyes fluttering open.

"Groggy and uncoordinated" he mumbled, lowering the sides of the bed.

"Uncoordinated?" she enquired, arching her brow at his strange behavior. She was about to ask him something when Derek took out his penlight to run another test on the patient. He bent over mrs. Fraser and checked her pupils. The woman lifted her hand and leant her palm on his chest, her thumb moving on the fabric and making Derek tense immediately.

"Mrs. Fraser" he said in a warning voice, straightening up and pushing her touch away "you need to stop doing this"

"Doing what?" Meredith asked, watching between the two of them. Derek sighed, looking to the floor.

"Nothing…" mrs. Fraser snorted "I was just trying to know him but he's shy, apparently"

"Know him?" Meredith repeated, thunderstruck, glaring at Derek.

"He's hot and I'm single. I was just trying to save the day"

"You're in a hospital!" Meredith snapped, shaking her head and feeling her blood boiling "and you're a serious candidate for a brain bleeding. How can you think to hit on dr. Shepherd?"

"Dr. Grey… it's fine" Derek cut her off, slightly amused by her reaction. "We're clear now… let's just run this MRI" he sent a last glare to the patient and walked to the control room. He sank on the chair and took a deep breath, trying to clear his head. Leaving the two women by themselves wasn't probably the wisest move but he felt suddenly worn out.

The sensations mrs. Fraser's behavior had awakened were the last evidence he really needed to face dr. Wyatt on his deepest wounds. He sighed and peered over the glass, Meredith was almost done preparing the patient.

"Just try to relax, mrs. Fraser. We'll be done in a few minutes" she explained, her tone flat and revealing the fit of rage she had experienced.

"Fine… you're pissed" she mumbled, earning another dirty look from Meredith.

"I'm not…" she denied, hoping her body language didn't show her real state of mind.

"Pregnancy can mess you up… another proof I'm not suitable for it" she giggled, looking left and right when the stretcher started to move. "I didn't think he would get so mad… he looks like the kind of man who drops women dead with those eyes" she mumbled, making Meredith roll her eyes.

"Just because dr. Shepherd is an attractive man doesn't mean he wants to be harassed by his patients…" Meredith hissed.

"Does it happen often?" mrs. Fraser asked, amused.

"No… as usually the wedding ring he wears is enough to keep admirers at bay" Meredith scoffed, closing her arms across her chest.

"I haven't even noticed…" mrs. Fraser shrugged.

"You look like you don't want to notice, mrs. Fraser" she scolded her "now stay still…"

The stretcher disappeared into the machinery and Meredith joined Derek into the control room.

"Are you ok?" she asked him gently.

"Yeah…" he breathed out, his eyes fixed on the screen. He bend forward when the first images appeared. "Damn it" he said pointing to the scan "she's hemorrhaging… we need to take her straight to the ER"

He jumped on his feet and rushed to the patient, leaving Meredith mouth agape.

* * *

"Suction please" Derek asked, his pupils fixed into the Carl Zeiss microscope.

Meredith was standing at the other side of the table, herself completely focused on Mrs. Fraser's brain. She pushed liquid into the open skull and took a furtive glance at Derek. Apparently he had forgotten about the incidents and the patient's aggressive behavior.

Yet, he looked pissed… or deflated. He wasn't his usual self and she was disappointed. This was her last surgery and she wanted it to be perfect.

Was he worried she was mad at him for what had happened? She hadn't been present but she was sure he had never encouraged mrs. Fraser to be bold. Maybe she needed to joke about it, break the ice… whatever. She took in a deep breath and stared at him for a brief moment, clearing her throat.

"What do you plan to do, dr. Shepherd?" she asked, not losing any of his movements.

"Stopping the bleeding… dr. Grey…" he said cauterizing a vessel and moving material aside to check the situation. "and once I'm done… I'll let you check the area and close"

"Really?" she asked, not able to hide her excitement.

"Really… it's your last day here and I promised you fun so… totally serious here" he added, setting the arachnoid knife down and taking a look at the operating field "penfield four, please"

Meredith watched as the nurse handled him the instrument and Derek went back looking into the lens. She loved when he did it… he was so focused and concentrated and intense and his eyes were just perfect. They were hypnotizing.

A shiver went down her spine remembering the first time she had experienced this view.

Katie Bryce's surgery.

It was her first day, her first surgery and the hot attending had turned out to be her crazy sex sleepover.

He had been gorgeous with his black faded jeans and red shirt. With blue scrubs… he was sex on legs. With a light blue gown and the ferry boat scrub cap… he was dreamy.

His eyes had sparkled once the brain had been revealed to his sight, a special twinkle had appeared.

And never left.

She could see it every morning, she was cherished by it every day.

How could a man simply look into a microscope and be so damned sexy?

She took in a deep breath and shook her head slightly, trying to focus back.

Mrs. Fraser was a bitch, a dead hand, but she couldn't just kill her, she needed to be perfectly in the know here.

"How is it going?" she enquired. There was a lot of blood in the skull now and she truthfully didn't know if Derek could control it or not.

"I just can't stop this…" he muttered, tamponing the damaged area with a white cotton "it looks like she hit her head pretty hard" he sighed.

"Maybe she smashed it against the wall rolling down…" Meredith offered, remembering the way the woman had hurt herself.

"Probably… all to text a client about an unbeatable offer…" he raised his eyes for a moment and looked to her "she does the same thing you do…"

"What would this be?"

"Looking at the cell instead of the steps… it can be extremely dangerous"

Meredith snorted, sending him an annoyed look.

"If this woman is going to die today, it's probably as I want to punish her for grabbing your ass and God knows what else" she hissed, a hint of jealousy clear in her voice. Some nurses giggled behind their masks and Derek tensed, looking around.

"She was probably confused for the concussion…" he tried to cool Meredith off.

"But she aimed at the right places… and complained as you were too shy…" she retorted, rolling her eyes. "I've never judged her as she was single and wanted to enjoy life" she tried to explain to Derek.

"I know… you don't need to convince me" he said, his fingers moving nimbly.

"And I didn't even get mad as she fondled you…"

"Can we stop talking about this, please?" Derek snapped, looking to her. Despite the sentence had been harsh, Meredith detected a pleading gaze and decided to drop the topic. Usually Derek didn't get upset on this, he joked and turned into cocky mode when a woman flattered him. But this was before Kepner and Brad, maybe things had changed… maybe he had changed and she respected his wish, at least in that public place.

She focused back on the operating field, marveling how, in that short lapse of time and while chatting with her, he had succeeded to control and minimize the damage. The area looked clean and the suture he had practiced with unique mastery was holding.

"Did you fix her?" she asked, a hint of surprise made her voice high-pitched and Derek looked to her. Meredith could see he was smiling behind the mask.

"Why are you so surprised, dr. Grey? I thought you knew I'm not so bad after all" he joked cockily "besides… she's not a television… I don't like the word fix…" he said, putting down the instrument and raising his hands in front of his torso. "Let's see what you've got now…" he teased her.

"Fine" she smiled, eyeing the scrub nurse. The woman pushed the cart to the other side of the table to serve her the instruments.

Meredith stretched her fingers and neck, her whole body felt sore and McBaby was clearly not cooperating, seeing the rolling and twisting in her belly.

She sighed and picked up a retractor, starting to inspect the cavity. She found a little bleed and looked up, realizing Derek had probably omitted it on purpose.

"You left me a small hemorrhage to cauterize…" she smiled.

"Did I?" he joked, looking into the microscope. Nurses and doctors smiled at the flirting and Meredith rolled her eyes, stretching her hand to get some gauze to tampon.

The fix proved pretty easy to make, ma Meredith felt her body relax, her brain focused completely on the surgery and, for a bunch of minutes, all the tiredness, the weariness disappeared out of thin air.

It was just her and the table and the patient, the smell of burned tissue, of human fluids, the beeping of monitors, a sensation she hadn't proved in days, result of her state and the silent punishment Bailey had given her.

She breathed out once done and smiled, realizing Derek was looking at her proudly.

"I think I can close now…" she said confidently, locking eyes with him.

"You can, dr. Grey" he took a couple of steps backward and the assisting nurse took off his head lights "and I'll start to scrub out in the while"

"Won't you stay here?" she asked, already busy in putting the flap skull back.

"I'm not needed here…" he muttered. Without Meredith realized, he had rounded the table and was standing behind her "there's already plenty of Shepherds…" he joked, making Meredith roll her eyes.

He walked out, stopping at the sinks and glaring at her through the glass.

He started to scrub his hands, his eyes fixed on his wife.

A wave of pride filled him and he smiled, shaking his head.

He stopped the water and dried his arms carefully, leaning against the wall and waiting for Meredith to finish.

It wouldn't take much, she was quick and he could detect from the movements in the OR the anesthetist was already preparing to move the patient down to the ICU.

Derek heard Meredith instructing the nurses and interns through the interphone and then she stepped out, her gown now open on the front, a wide smile stretching her lips.

"I needed this" she giggled when the sliding door hissed closed. She approached and kissed his cheek tenderly "thank you"

"It was a pleasure…" he offered, closing his arms across his chest.

"I didn't think this could turn out to be so complicated…" she sighed "she didn't look in so bad shape this morning…"

"Head traumas can degenerate quickly, Mer… Mrs. Fraser had a bad concussion… we were lucky to control the bleeding"

"You were good, Derek, not lucky" she said closing the faucet and drying her hands "You don't get lucky in the OR"

"That's just so sad…" he joked, playing with the double meaning of Meredith's words. He closed the space between the two of them and rubbed her arms. "It could be the perfect ending of your last day here" his voice lowered to a throaty sound and Meredith shivered. Despite the sensations which were flooding her body, she didn't fall in his temptations though.

"Mrs. Fraser turned you on finally…" she smirked, stroking his sides through the thin fabric of his scrub top and inhaling his cologne.

"She just pissed me off" Derek urged to say, breaking contact between the two of them. He raked a hand in his hair and then looked to his clock absent minded, sighing realizing it was much later than he had assumed. "I need to go now…" he blurted out, taking the door knob, ready to leave.

"Where?" Meredith hurried to ask, surprised by the sudden change of mood.

"To check on Mrs. Fraser first… then I have an appointment…" he said, not digging into details he was not ready to explain yet.

"Will I see you home then?" she asked, a bit disappointed.

"Yeah… yeah, don't wait for me"

Meredith closed the distance between the two of them and raised on her tiptoes, brushing his lips with hers.

"I'll wait for you, Derek… I turned down the porn OR but I'm totally up for later…"

"I love you" he said caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"Me too… thank you for today"

"It was a pleasure to work with you, dr. Grey" he smiled, stretching his hand. Meredith took it and they both squeezed.

"It was a pleasure to work with you, dr. Shepherd"

* * *

Meredith walked out of the elevator, changed into comfortable street clothes.

She fumbled into her purse for the card keys and fished them out before crossing the sliding doors leading outside.

"Meredith!" Cristina's voice echoed behind her back and she turned around, smiling welcoming her person. "Ready to leave?"

"Yeah… I'm longing for a good dinner and a hot bath"

"Sounds like a good plan" Yang smirked hiding both hands in her labcoat "especially after you rocked in the OR today"

"I did" Meredith smiled proudly "well… it was a routine check-up and closure but… much better of what I got in the last few weeks so… now I'm officially on leave" she smiled, adjusting the black leather shoulder strap.

"Is Derek in the parking lot waiting for you?" Cristina asked taking a furtive glance outside in search of Shepherd's Chayenne.

"No… actually he'll be late… I'll have dinner with Alex"

"And bath by yourself I hope…" Meredith rolled her eyes at the comment "I wouldn't go for the bath, Mer, if I have to be true. You could end up stuck somewhere and it could be embarrassing calling Karev in help" she smirked.

"I'll be fine, Cristina, thank you for your concern. I need that bath…" she sighed, smelling herself. But Cristina got she had something else in mind from the glittering of her eyes.

"The dirty in your eyes reveal you need soft and velvet skin, baby…" she joked, knowingly.

"Fine… what is wrong if I want to have sex with my husband?" she snapped, regretting the loud voice when a couple of heads turned into her direction.

"Nothing…" Cristina giggled touching her arm "thanking him for the good day… the surgery… sex is the best reward ever… Derek will be delighted"

"A woman grabbed his ass today" Meredith mumbled, her eyes on the floor "our patient actually"

"And you saved her?" Cristina shot, frowning "I'm surprised of your self-control, Grey"

"I am too… anyway I wasn't even pissed" she admitted blushing.

"Just turned on… the dirty threesome…" Cristina smirked "not so bad for a lovely mommy, Mer" she joked her.

"You're hopeless" Meredith hissed.

"So you are… just go now… make the man happy and…" she trailed off, getting serious and Meredith frowned looking at her "then maybe talk to him about the delivery"

"I'm not up for important speeches tonight" Meredith shook her head.

"Why not? Blow his brain off and then talk… Derek won't deny you anything after a good round of sex" she nodded knowingly.

"That if I don't fall asleep in the aftermath…" she sighed.

"Meredith…"

"Look… I'll face the topic, ok? I just don't think tonight is the best moment. We both need distraction, we both need time together… that's the priority tonight"

"Ok…" Cristina patted her shoulder "I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok" Meredith breathed out, contemplating for the first time she wouldn't see Cristina daily. "I'll miss you…"

"I'll come for dinner, ok?" Yang offered too quickly, raising Meredith's suspicion.

"You prepared it…"

"What?" Cristina shrugged.

"The kind offer" Meredith laughed.

"No!"

"You did… you're gonna miss me too…" Meredith said knowingly, enjoying Cristina's embarrassment.

"Nope" Yang tried to deny.

"Just hug me" Meredith took a step towards her but Cristina recoiled.

"Never" she said, disappearing behind the corner.

* * *

Derek knocked to dr. Wyatt's office. He was five minutes after the time she had accorded him.

"Come in" her gentle voice sounded behind the wooden door and Derek opened it.

"Good afternoon…" he greeted her.

"Dr. Shepherd…" she smiled "I'm sorry you had to wait till now but I had a full schedule today"

"Not a problem" he stood in the middle of the room, not really knowing what to do with his hands. He staffed them into his pickets and dr. Wyatt quirked her brow.

"How is dr. Grey?" she asked, trying to introduce a topic which would relax him. Doctor Shepherd seemed to walk on tenterhooks. Her instinct was suggesting her the reason why he was there, but she didn't dare to hope so much.

"Fine… it was her last day… we performed a surgery together" Derek smiled proudly, his eyes darting nervously across the room.

"Good…" dr. Wyatt nodded, interlacing her fingers "what do I owe the pleasure, dr. Shepherd?" she inquired calmly, willing to push but approaching him gently.

"You've never given me my file back" Derek muttered, his arms closing across his chest. His eyes settled on dr. Wyatt's face. She was calm, her expression hadn't changed a bit, but her glare… she looked like a cat playing with her favorite mouse.

"It's here" she said, pushing a yellow paper binder towards him. "You can take it whenever you want… if you feel ready"

Derek sighed, pacing around the room. He walked around the fish tank and stopped behind the couch, leaning his hands on the soft leather cushions.

"Do you feel ready, Derek?" she prodded him.

"No" he breathed out, resigned, sharing a quick glance with her.

"We've made giant steps during your sessions… you've earned your life back, your profession, your job. You're able to stay in crowded places without freaking out… I'm pretty satisfied of your path"

"But I'm not healed…" he recognized, forcing his voice out of his throat. "There are still things I haven't sorted out"

"Which things?" she inquired, staring at him intensely.

"I…" he swallowed, feeling awkwardness tying his vocal cords "I'm not really comfortable talking about this" he breathed out, rounding the sofa and sinking on it.

"I'm a big girl, Derek, you should know it by now… there are a few things which impress me"

"And I have the feeling you've been waiting to see my bluff up to now" he said, looking up.

"Your bluff?" she quirked her brow, inviting him to go on.

"You've always known there was something bothering me… you probably knew it before I did"

"True" she stood, rounding her desk "but I also knew pushing you would be useless. I had the feeling it was something big… it is something big…"

"So you didn't ask…" he breathed out.

"The same way you didn't talk… I just wanted to give you time to weight this topic, to understand it… You know, Derek suffering a trauma is like breaking into pieces. It takes time to settle everything back to place and I didn't want to force your issues"

"But you did know I had one… with…" he stopped, words refusing to leave his mouth. He just shook his head and looked away.

"With your intimacy… with sex? Yes, I suspected you would develop this kind of disorder" she stated firmly.

"Why?" Derek blurted out, irritated.

"As a man touched you and forced himself on you. Not to have sex, of course, but he violated your body in places just a lover is supposed to touch. Has Meredith never realized anything?" she asked gently.

"No… not after the panic attack I had the first time" he said raking a hand in his hair.

"Do you control yourself?"

"I've just avoided situations I wasn't ready to face…" he stuttered weakly.

"But sometimes when she touches you… you need to close your eyes and take a deep breath"

Derek nodded defeated and a little bit ashamed.

"It's totally normal, Derek. You don't need to feel bad about it" she tried to comfort him but got any reaction "What does Meredith know about the elevator?"

"Nothing" he snapped, standing and measuring the room with quick steps. "I want to tell her… I wanted but… I never find the nerve to do it"

"It would help, Derek. Don't you think?"

"I'm not that sure"

"I'm telling you… trust me… it would help" she looked to him carefully and letting him time to calm down, to process her words "will you talk to me at least?"

"I thought I was already doing it…" he mumbled, hopelessly.

"This is just a preview… you came here to see my cards and I asked you to show yours, we've talked about nothing up to now" Derek turned to face her and opened his mouth to talk but dr. Wyatt raised her hand to stop him "and we won't do it now…"

"When then?" Derek asked, knowing she wanted to analyze him and his feelings.

"Let's say tomorrow at noon?" she offered, taking a look to her agenda.

"Ok" he nodded, looking at his watch and walking towards the door.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she called him back.

"Yeah?"

"You made a great step today. And I'm proud"

* * *

Derek pushed the front door open.

The foyer was dark and silent and he dropped his brief case onto the floor.

"Meredith…" he called out, noticing the dim light in the living room.

"It's me" Alex's lazy voice echoed in the corridor and Derek peered into the room. Karev was lying on the couch, his feet on the little wooden table. He was eating pop corns from a big bowl while watching the football game. He noticed Derek was looking at him and grimaced "we're five points down"

"You're five points down…" Derek smirked "we've five up"

"Still supporting the New York guys?" Alex asked in disbelief "you should be forced to leave the rain city"

Derek chuckled, leaning his shoulder on the doorframe.

"Where's Meredith?"

"Upstairs… she went up to have a bath… I told her to call if she needed help but… no news" he said pointing to his cell phone, abandoned on the cushions near him. "I left you some chicken if you want… it's in the oven"

"Thank you…"

Derek straightened up and walked up the stairs.

Everything was dark around and he assumed Meredith was done with her bath.

In the last months of pregnancy, when she was alone, she preferred to use the guest bathroom as the tube was more comfortable and easier to access. The room was dark and he headed into their private love nest.

He opened the door quietly, in case she was sleeping, and walked in.

There was no sight of Meredith in the bed, he could see that even in the darkness of the room.

"Looking for someone?"

He smiled hearing her voice behind his back, the smile grew wider when her arms circled his waist and he felt her bump against his loin.

"Just my gorgeous wife…"

"And the gorgeous wife was waiting for her desirable and hot husband" she mumbled, caressing his abdomen. She gripped his shirt and invited him to spin around, smiling when their eyes locked. Derek whistled noticing the silk pink gown she was wearing.

"What a welcome…" he joked, kissing her lips.

"And that's just the beginning" she added hoarsely, her palm opening on his chest and teasing him through the fabric of his shirt. She batted her long lashes and Derek caressed her hair.

"It smells like flowers…"

"I remember you like it…"

"I do…" he angled his mouth for another kiss, sending Meredith's pressure to the peak. She pushed him hard against the wall and Derek groaned for the impact, more out of surprise. Her hands messaged his stomach while her lips found his neck.

For a brief moment Derek felt the earth crumbling under his feet.

_Everything had become a blur in a second. The pain radiating from his back had dulled his sight, a stranger hand slammed his body against the elevator wall. His skull collided with hardness and Derek closed his eyes. A strong palm was pressing on his neck, keeping his head up and he felt like vomiting when someone touched his chest._

Meredith's caring fingers brushed his sides and Derek took a deep breath, his heart beat out of his chest when her eyes locked with his.

"Am I too aggressive?" she asked, kissing his lips. Her tongue brushed his mouth and he opened it, hoping the good sensation would take the bad memories away. Meredith pressed all her body against his, her hands pressing his shoulders against the wall and panic started to raise from the pit of his stomach in waves. He tried to swallow it down but, apparently, his body was betraying him.

"Are you ok?" Meredith asked, parting and looking at him worriedly.

"Don't stop" he pleaded her, circling her waist and pulling her closer. Meredith's hands closed around the nape of his neck but her eyes saw through his fears.

"Derek..." she started, cocking her head to the side and brushing his cheek.

"Please..." he begged, leaning in to kiss her cleavage. She shivered for the sensation but didn't forget the feeling she was proving.

"I scared you..." she muttered, trying to keep her brain straight while Derek petted her neck pitilessly.

"Please..." he mumbled, his nose tickling her hair "I don't want..." he trailed off, raking her hair into a mess, his eyes locking with hers.

"You don't want?" Meredith prodded him, taking his cheeks in her hands.

_I don't want to see him anymore, _his brain screamed silently.

_I don't want to feel his hands on me anymore._

_I want you on top of me without thinking of him touching my skin._

"Please, Mer... Just love me" he kissed her deep, pushing her towards the bed, taking control of the situation. They fell on the bed in a crumbled mess and Derek covered her body with his, propping on both arms not to crush her. His lips made contact with every part of her face, sending her to paradise.

"Derek..." she kept his face still for a second, a question lingered in the air but she didn't ask, waiting for him to talk.

"Just love me" he whispered and Meredith gave up every form of resistance or doubt.

She kissed and held him for dear life.

Because for the first time in years, she felt Derek needed this more than she did.

* * *

_Let it go._

_Live._

_Feel the pain._

_Cure it with the most powerful medicine of the world: love_

* * *

Write me your impressions!


End file.
